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Happy Fucking Birthday, You Asshole

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         Nigel stomped up the steps to his apartment, mentally inflating as many red balloons as he could. The fucking barber had cut his hair too short and now he looked as old as he fucking was. And because he was in love with a goddamn angel, Nigel wasn’t allowed to punch people anymore.

         He stood at the door fussing with the cropped fringe. Adam would no doubt be inside, bubbly and warm and wanting to celebrate. Nigel just wanted to get blackout drunk and forget that 50 was a number. Still, He had to make an effort to be cheerful for his Cosmo.

         Nigel opened the apartment door and froze. There, in the middle of his living room, was a giant blue cake with white trim. The fucking thing must have been seven feet tall. How the hell did Cosmo even get it in the apartment?


         Adam popped out of the kitchen with a bright smile. “Happy birthday, do you like your present?”

         “You got me a giant fucking cake?” Adam hated shit like this. It didn’t even look like real food.

         “It’s not just a cake, it’s a stripper cake.” Adam corrected, moving to the side of the blue monstrosity. Nigel followed, mouth curling at the sides.

         "I think you’re supposed to be inside there, gorgeous.“ Nigel wrapped an arm around his darling, nuzzling into his sweet smelling hair.

         "Oh, I tried that,” said Adam, pursing his lips in displeasure. “I didn’t like it in there, it smelled awful. I couldn’t stay.”

         "That’s alright darling, fuck the cake, you can strip for me now.“ Nigel slipped his hands under Adam’s shirt. The day was finally looking up.

         "Wait! Stop that!” Adam slapped at his hands and Nigel heaved a mighty sigh. “There is a surprise.”

         Adam freed himself from Nigel’s still-wandering fingers and moved next to the cake. He positioned himself next to the cake and raised his arms like a game show presenter. Nigel held back a laugh, Cosmo had clearly been practicing his Vanna White moves.

         “Ta-da!” Adam exclaimed.


         Adam frowned at the cake like it betrayed him. He knocked on the side of it, and Nigel realized the confectionery nightmare was made of some type of wood.

         "I said Ta-da,“ Adam hissed at the cake.

         There was a shifting sound from the cake, and Nigel scrunched his brows together.

         Had Cosmo gotten him a stripper?

         “I don’t want to do this,” the cake said.

         Adam smacked the side of the cake again. “YOU PROMISED.”

         Nigel could swear he heard the cake sigh.

         With another thump the top tier of the cake flipped back, revealing Darko, wearing a suit, a sparkly blue party hat, and clutching two red balloons that a were shaped into the number 50. Nigel knew his mouth was open. He wasn’t sure whether to piss himself laughing or run in terror, lest Adam had actually talked his idiot friend into stripping.

         Darko caught Nigel’s eye and grimaced.

         "Happy fucking birthday, you asshole.”

         Nigel couldn’t take it anymore, he fell to his knees laughing. Huge honking cackles took all the air from his lungs as he watched Darko turn as red as the balloons.

         “Thank fuck you’re wearing fucking clothes,” Nigel gasped, taking out his phone and snapping some blurry pictures as his continued to guffaw.

         “Oh, I didn’t think it would be appropriate for Darko to be naked, so I told him to wear a suit,” Adam offered, taking a few pictures with his camera.

         “I was going to where clothes whether you told me to or not, Cosmo!” Darko huffed, struggling to get out of the cake.

         Nigel rolled on his back, still hysterical.

         “Get up you stupid old man,” Darko shoved his foot into Nigel’s ribs, but he had started laughing as well. “You mention this to anyone, I’ll fucking cut your nuts off.”

         Wiping tears from his eyes, Nigel fixed Darko with a serious look. “You’re a terrible fucking stripper.”

         “I’m not the one who fell off a pole in a strip club, nenorocitule,” Darko said, offering Nigel a hand. Nigel’s knees audibly cracked, fuck he was getting old.

         “I didn’t fucking fall, it was a dismount!”

         “Right into the fucking waitress,” Darko turned to Adam, smirking. “Knocked the tray out of her hands as he sprawled on the fucking ground. One more inch to the left and his fat ass would have probably crushed her.”

         “You were a pole dancer?” Adam cocked his head.

         “No, Cosmo, he was a high as fuck asshole at a strip club who decided to show the girls how it was done.”

         “I wasn’t bad until the end.” Nigel grumbled.

         “Oh you were fucking great” Darko started wildly gyrating his hips and flailing his arms like a rag doll. “I’m way sexier than these fucking bitches! Check me out, Darko!”

         Adam laughed. Nigel pouted.

         “Everyone does stupid things when they’re young, Nigel. It’s ok.”

         “Young?” Darko cackled. “That was three fucking years ago, Cosmo. We’re still banned from the Seventh Veil. Our pictures are in the fucking lobby.”

         “Oh,” Adam said, biting his lip. “That’s less excusable. Although I do like the idea of you pole dancing.”

         Nigel smirked at Darko, pressing a kiss to Adam’s cheek.

         “I fucking love the idea of you on a pole, gorgeous. Would you dance for me?” Nigel’s arm coiled around Adam’s side, brushing over his darling’s crotch. “You say the word and I have a pole put in our room.”

         “Make sure it’s reinforced if you’re going to be using it,” Darko taunted.

         “Get the fuck out!”

         Adam swatted Nigel, frowning. “Be nice, Darko made you a birthday cake!”

         “Yeah, Nigel, be nice!” Darko smirked. Nigel waited until Adam passed to flip his best friend off.

         Darko dramatically gripped his heart and feigned crying before following Adam into the kitchen. Nigel was still grumbling about getting no respect on his fucking birthday when he caught up to Adam and Darko.

         Nigel blinked. Darko was setting the final candle in a three-tiered blue cake with white trim.

         “It matches the fucking stripper cake.”

         “Well of course it matches the fucking stripper cake! It would look weird if it didn’t!” Darko plopped the cake on the table, grumbling.

         “It’s a beautiful cake, Darko.” Adam smiled and patted the big man’s shoulder. “Should we sing?”

         “No one wants to hear that,” Darko said. He handed Adam a frosted mug. “How about we just toast?”

         “Ok,” Adam frowned for a moment, thinking. Finally, he smiled and held his glass aloft. “To Nigel, you are a very good boyfriend, you keep me sexually satisfied, you don’t mind that I need schedules, and have an impressive refractory period for a 50-year-old man. I hope we can spend many more fucking years together, and that you don’t die prematurely because of all your years smoking.”

         Nigel smiled, raising his glass to Cosmo’s with a wink. “I hope to keep fucking you ‘til I die too, gorgeous.”

         Adam leaned over to peck a kiss on Nigel’s cheek, but the older man turned, catching Adam’s lips. The kiss quickly devolved into a sloppy make out session. Darko rolled his eyes and cleared his throat. When they didn’t part, he stuck his fingers in his beer and flicked suds at them. Adam sat back in his chair, giving Darko a frustrated little glare as he wiped his face.

         “Well, that toast is going to be hard to beat, but-” Darko lofted his glass. “To Nigel, you’re an annoying fuck and I don’t know why I put up with you…”

         Nigel held up his middle finger again.

         “-but I suppose I’m stuck with you now, and Cosmo too…” Darko bit his lip, his eyes crinkling in the corners. “I’ve had some of the best times of my life with you two, and I’m grateful to be with you both.”

         Nigel smiled at him, warm and genuine before cutting his eyes to Adam. “Told you he wanted a fucking three way.”

         "Nigel, we talked about this, I’m uncomfortable with the concept of a threesome,” Adam admonished. “But I wouldn’t mind watching you two have sex.“

         Darko’s mouth dropped open. He whipped his head frantically between Nigel and Adam. Finally, Adam’s serious face broke, a radiant smile curving his lips. Nigel, was leaning on his darling, laughing too hard to support himself.

         "YOU ARE NOT FUCKING FUNNY COSMO.” Darko glared at Adam who laughed delightedly. Darko turned, shoving a finger in Nigel’s face. “And you shouldn’t fucking encourage this shit. Fuck you both.”

         "The kid already said he was off the table, asshole, but if you need to get laid…“ Nigel waggled his eyebrows.

          A fistful of cake hit Nigel between the eyes.