The weather was beginning to break. The scorching heat of the summer had been fading into the crisp air that brought the nip back to London. I had been donning my great coat more and more in the last few weeks, only needing to take it off during the hottest hours at midday. Wretched pumpkins with faces, scarecrows, bales of hay and pumpkin spice everything were popping up everywhere. It was dreadful, all except the ability to wear my coat and hide away from people better. Oh and John’s jumpers were making a comeback, that was always a good thing. Why couldn’t I wear my great coat all the time and John his jumpers? Why couldn’t everyone stay the same? I hated when it changed. I hated the change in John’s girlfriends, even a few boyfriends, every few months even more so. John being bisexual was nothing new to me, I had deduced it the very first night at Angelo’s, he was determined that he wasn’t though, he had this preconceived notion about himself, I assume that is why he always went with ‘I’m not gay’ and not ‘We’re not together’. Nearly two years had passed since Mary died at the hands of Sebastian Moran, who had also leaked the video of Moriarty that saved my life. The baby that she was caring was no more than padding, and a good act of a pregnant woman. She had been sterilised when she became an assassin, much like the red headed woman in those superhero movies John drags me to watch.
I never understood why John went back to dating after Mary died. I know he missed life in 221B. His first few dates were tolerable in that he was sticking with his straight persona, but after the first guy, Alex, I began to despair. I had every thought that if he gave up his façade of being completely straight, he would then turn to me. After all I had laid me feelings bare time and time again. I was simply waiting for him. When he brought Alex back to the flat for the first time, I couldn’t stand it. I had to flee, claiming Lestrade had called. John had asked if I needed him, I had told him no. When I returned a few hours later, they were upstairs and I could here every moan, bedspring creak, and John praising Alex’s name. I fled again, not returning until seven the next morning only to see the domesticity of John and Alex making breakfast together, they asked if I wanted to join, I had just pressed past them on the way to my room, not emerging until I heard John leave for work. I stretched out on the couch and retreated to my mind palace to see why John didn’t love me back. It wasn’t because of my anatomy; perhaps I was too much of a freak, maybe I was too annoying.
John had come home asking me if I had moved and informed me that since the next day was Saturday he would be spending the night at Alex’s and the next day. I was able to keep the tears at bay until he was gone. Mrs. Hudson had come to check on me later in the evening and was able to see the tears. She coo’d of course, saying that I was too good for John since he had decided to play with my heart the way that he did. She had said that anyone with a brain could have heard me telling John of my love at his wedding. She coaxed me out of the flat to take her out to dinner. That was the night I had decided to divorce myself from my feelings for John. Unfortunately it did not work. It only lasted as long as the weekend, because once John returned home on Sunday he announced that he and Alex weren’t seeing each other anymore.
If only it had stopped there. Soon he was on to the next man, woman, man, man, woman, woman. His last girlfriend Carol had shouted at John after he had taken her up, and quickly ran back down throwing her coat on. John refused to talk about it. I didn’t pry, I knew I hadn’t interfered so I didn’t bother. It had been a few weeks since she had left and John was getting antsy.
It was Friday and I knew he would be going out to find someone tonight; we had stayed in together last weekend, and decided that I would too. It had been years since I slept with anyone, and I knew people found me physically attractive. I was wasting my energy waiting for John, I knew I wouldn’t find love, but I could find release. I could bring someone back here and have them fuck me into the mattress.
When I got back to the flat John was on his way out, stating that he was going for a pint with Mike. When he left, I went to my room and decided to pull out my old jeans. They still fit like a glove showing off my ample arse. I chose my tightest black t-shirt and laid them both on my bed before heading into the bathroom for a shower and shave. I came out and dried my hair and styled it just right. I applied the black eyeliner I had picked up on the way home and dressed myself. I jogged down the stairs grabbing my wallet yelling at Mrs. Hudson that I would be late. I headed out into the crisp London air without my coat, knowing it would only get in the way when I had to take it off to dance and mingle, and hailed a taxi. I gave him the address of my favorite club and hoped that it hadn’t changed too much.
When the taxi stopped I climbed out paying the cabbie. I immediately recognized the bouncer, I was walking up to him, bypassing the line to get in, he shouted for me to come to the front and lifted the rope for me to get in. I walked in and my senses hit a wall. I could smell the alcohol, fruit mixers, and stale sweat, heard popular trendy music and so many voices, saw bodies intertwined together dancing in tandem, and felt the sweat start to bead on my skin. I walked to the bar to open my tab and order my first drink. I sat there sipping my mojito scanning the crowd. It was a popular gay club, so couples were as such. I saw men scanning me up and down, even some of the women. When I was finished I decided that I would just dance by myself and see who would come and help themselves.
I told Sherlock that I was going out for a pint with Mike and I did; only I left out that I would be going to a club afterwards. It had been weeks since I had sex further than a handjob. Most women shirked at the sight of my endowment. I had met few women that would actually let me go all the way, Mary had been one and even she only allowed it only a few times, the rest it was mutual oral and handjobs. Most had been content with using their mouths and hands to get me off, occasionally letting me thrust between their thighs. The men had been a little different. James had been the only man before Mary, and he always topped. When I started dating men after Mary died, I bottomed during penetrative sex, mainly sticking with frottage. Alex didn’t like that and told me that he had been a strict bottom all his life only topping the night I took him home, and I did top during the weekend I spent with him, but I could tell he didn’t enjoy it. I broke it off and tried to find someone else.
When Carol ran out a couple weeks ago yelling I wasn’t getting that monster of a cock anywhere near her, I was sort of relieved. I didn’t really like her, I just wanted to get my rocks off. I had decided that if I wanted to have sex tonight, it would have to be with a man and I would have to bottom, so I went to a popular gay club. I hadn’t been there before, but Harry recommended it. She asked me why I had wanted to know, after all I had a sexy beast for a flat mate who would probably love to fuck me. I had politely told her to fuck off and that he wasn’t interested in that sort of stuff. He didn’t give into the desires of the body and certainly didn’t want a relationship. I couldn’t have sex with the man I was desperately in love with and pretend that I didn’t love him for the sake of our friendship.
It was already starting to fill up as I arrived. The line was moving quickly though, the bouncer only letting a few random people skip the line. I saw him. I looked up and there was Sherlock bleeding Holmes stalking out of a cab and sauntering up to the bouncer looking like sex itself. He and the bouncer exchanged a smile and he went in. He must have been working a case. I followed the line until it was my turn to head in. I immediately knew why Harry had recommended it and why it was so popular. I started to scan the crowd looking for my flat mate. When my eyes finally found his form, my blood began to boil. He was dancing. With two other men. Grinding against them without abandon.
I was letting my body enjoy the music when two men approached. They were my type, muscular, ex military, and shorter than myself. The taller of the two came up behind me and placed his hands on my hips whispering ‘hello beautiful’ in my ear before grinding his pelvis into my arse and swaying with me. The other one came to my front and took my arms to rest on his shoulders and placed his hands just above the other pair our chest touching. We were moving in tandem, enjoying the music for a while before the one behind me stopped and pulled away with a mumble.
“I believe that you will find that this one is already taken.” Came a familiar voice.
“What do you mean taken, he was dancing by himself and certainly didn’t argue when we approached him.” The one to his front stated.
“Yes, well I hadn’t made my mind up yet. But I just have now please leave.” John replied.
The men went to argue but John’s face wasn’t one to mess with. They left me standing there, just looking at John. “What the hell John? Can I not dance?” I was beyond angry, how dare John try to show his dominance here? Why was he trying to control my life? “Now every guy worth a damn in this place saw that little display. Thanks ever so much.”
“Didn’t mean to interrupt your case, those guys were all over you. I was just trying to protect you.” John replied.
“What case?” What the hell had John been talking about? “And I can take care of myself.”
“Sherlock, Just come and sit, we can talk.”
“Sod that, I’m going home, I won’t get what I came here to get anyway.” I declared before heading to the bar and letting them know I was leaving and to charge the single drink to my card and left finding the first cab and giving my address. When the taxi arrived, I threw the fair at the cabbie and burst into the flat startling Mrs. Hudson who was dusting in the hall.
“I thought you would be out late.”
“Yea well, John decided that I wouldn’t.” I left it at that and ran upstairs to wash the smell of other bodies and the club off my skin, my cock as flaccid as ever.
Sherlock all but fled the club, stopping to settle his tab and flying out the door, I just stood there wanting to know what I had just witnessed. I decided that sex would have to wait, and followed Sherlock into the night. He was already gone, probably already in a cab. I found one quickly enough and gave him my address. When I arrived, Mrs. Hudson was in the main hall dusting. She walked up to me and smacked me across my face. I just stood there in shock, wondering what tonight had become.
“You Dr. Watson, should be ashamed of yourself. Parading date after date in front of the man that loves you above anything else in this world, who puts your happiness above his own, even above his own life. Yet when he decides that he going to try his foot in the dating scene, you have to go and mess it up.”
“I, what?” I didn’t even know where to begin, what was she saying, did Sherlock love me? Was he trying to get a date tonight? “Sherlock doesn’t do things like that.”
“Oh yes he does, he proclaimed his love for you at your wedding. The first night after you brought a guy home, I took him out for dinner, hoping that if I was with him, he wouldn’t leave and fall into bad habits. He told me how much it hurt just to see you with women after Mary, after everything, but when you brought the man, he was devastated. He knew then that you didn’t love him back. And then I watch you time after time, bringing someone new in, eating away at that man that died to protect us.”
“Died to protect us, Mrs. Hudson what are.”
“Shut up, you go upstairs and apologise to him, before he turns to the box under his bed.”
I nodded and climbed the steps. What had Mrs. Hudson been talking about?
I had gotten out of the shower and simply threw on some pajama bottoms and dressing gown and went to lay on the sofa when John came through the door. I promptly turned my back on him, I knew it was childish but he had been so at the club, trying to claim what he didn’t want. That had hurt the most, knowing John didn’t want him, but also didn’t want him to have a relationship either.
“I’ll just make some tea.” John had said. I simply replied with a grunt.
I heard him puttering around in the kitchen for a bit, then he came in and sat on the coffee table and place my mug down. “I think we need to talk.” He said.
“There is nothing to talk about John, you simply feel that I do not deserve happiness, not even sex. That’s fine maybe I don’t, but I’d appreciate if you didn’t interfere again. If you hadn’t noticed I stopped interfering with your dates.”
With that, pleading in his voice, I couldn’t stand it anymore, all the desires I had kept pent up, all the frustrations, all the hurt and pain I had endured for and at the hands of the man I loved, I snapped. “Please! Please what John? I don’t understand you. I lay down my life for you, I killed so you could be happy, I died for you twice. Twice John. The first time because there was a sniper trained on you if I didn’t jump, the second, because I refused to deduce that your wife was a psychopath so you could be happy. I proclaim my love for you time and time again. I was tortured and beaten in Serbia for you, I came back with fresh wounds and stitches on my back and I let you throw me on the my back to the ground because I felt like I deserved it. I had thought when you were finished mourning your late wife that you may actually come to me. Love me, choose me. But you began dating, it hurt, but not as much as when you started dating men. Then I knew it was simply me, not that I was a man. But you know what John, I am done. I have to let you go, because the emptiness is eating away at me. If I don’t let you go, then I will disappoint you.” I was breathless after my tirade. I looked at John; his face was pained, like I had actually hit him.
“I’m sorry Sherlock, I had no idea.”
“I had no idea, that you felt that way. I was and am utterly in love with you. I thought, you didn’t do things like that, love, relationships and sex. That’s why I was trying to protect you, so those men wouldn’t take advantage of you.”
“Say it again.” I couldn’t believe what he just said.
“What that I love you?” I nodded. “I love you, I am so sorry, I was blinded by thinking you didn’t feel the same.” He leaned in as I set up, our faces only centimeters apart.
“I had given up on love, I had been hurt so many times, until you limped into the lab that day. I had hoped, but you weren’t gay, I had deduced that you were bisexual, but I didn’t say anything for fear of you leaving. So that night I simply said I was married to my work just because I had expected you to be no different than anyone else I had ever met.” I explained. “And as to protecting me, I am no blushing virgin. It just has been a while.”
“I shouldn’t have projected myself as such, but my god, here we, together, knowing that we love each other. What shall we do with that?” John had lifted his hand and placed it in my curls.
“We kiss.” I said as I closed the gap between our lips and devoured his.