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Twenty Random Facts About Steve and Susan

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1. Steve would like to be able to say that he knew Susan was The One from the first moment he saw her. That, however, would be blatantly untrue, since he honestly doesn't remember much about the first time he saw Susan. She claims she tried to chat him up; he thinks this is yet another excellent excuse to call out a hit on Jane.


2. Steve also doesn't remember the first time he met Jeff. That, however, was not Jane's fault. It was the fault of a lovely girl named Alison, who had been doing the most exquisite thing with her tongue and his prick in a very shadowy corner of his college's examination hall. He's not sure how much he'd had to drink beforehand; she was certainly completely shitfaced and then some. Jeff still sometimes claims that the sight scarred him for life and made it impossible for him to sit an exam without developing an imperturbable stiffy.


3. Steve has no idea why Jeff attached himself to him after such an inauspicious meeting. He feels that in certain situations, ignorance is most definitely bliss.


4. Susan had her brief fling with Jeff during a period of her life that she calls the Randy Years and Sally darkly refers to as the And Of Course You've Met My More Attractive Best Friend decade. Met, in those days, was more or less synonymous with shagged when it came to men and Susan. Jeff was probably the only exception in all of the British Isles; Sally seriously considered chatting him up afterwards, just for the novelty of having a man who wasn't one of Susan's castoffs.


5. She'll never admit it to anyone, no matter how drunk she may be, but Susan honestly believes she was Cleopatra in a past life. It gives her a rather philosophical perspective on sex; after all, she's already had both Julius Caesar and Marc Antony, and you can't do much better than that. She's spent most of this life trying to top it, but never quite got there.


6. She's been having a hell of a lot of fun with the lesser men, all the same.


7. And, occasionally, women.


8. Steve sometimes fantasizes about Susan and Sally together, especially now that he's seen Sally naked. His fantasies generally involve lots of fluffy cushions and wrestling, possibly followed by a nice long shower. He would probably be disappointed by the reality, which had involved excessive amounts of alcohol and a recent breakup on Sally's part. Sally has no memory of the incident. But Susan remembers it with a fondly reminiscent smile that makes Steve very nervous.


9. A lot of things make Steve nervous, to be honest. Sally makes him nervous, as do her breasts and her bottom. Patrick's enormous, throbbing manhood makes him nervous. Lesbians intrigue him on video, but make him very nervous in person. Jane still occasionally makes him nervous - or, rather, Jane herself doesn't, but the thought of her lurking in doorways and taxis and foreign countries in wait for him makes him very nervous indeed. Susan sometimes makes him nervous, when she's not making him happy or angry or very, very horny. Susan's parents cross the line from making him nervous to absolutely terrifying him. In fact, the only person who doesn't make Steve nervous is Jeff, because Jeff lives every day of his life in a strange fantasy world far more disturbing than anything Steve could possibly imagine for himself.


10. Steve did love Jane, at one point. It faded quickly before he had a chance to tell her. But having loved her once, he can never quite bring himself to hate her now, no matter how much he may occasionally wish her dead. She's completely mad, self-centered, dangerously obsessive, and a thoroughly obnoxious human being, but he feels sorry for her all the same. Not that he'll ever tell her that; he doesn't want to encourage her.


11. Susan knows for a fact that Jane was lying when she said she'd never had an orgasm. Maybe men can't tell when a woman is faking it, but another woman always can, and Jane wasn't. Susan won't tell Oliver, though.


12. She won't tell Steve, either. Not because she's worried he'd be hurt, but because she knows he'd demand a threesome, and when she wants Jane, she wants Jane all to herself.


13. Steve is not the only person in the relationship with an avid interest in homosexual erotica. He's just the only one with a lesbian porn video collection. However, not to be pointing fingers, but a certain other person in the relationship who will not be named has a number of rather questionable websites bookmarked on her laptop, as he is now all too well aware. But he has sincerely learned his lesson and will never go poking about on other people's web browsers again for fear of accidentally having his eyes burned right out of their sockets. He could have happily gone to his grave without seeing exactly what five men and their cocks can do together.


14. It certainly didn't intrigue him or anything. At all.


15. Susan loves learning all the little quirks and erogenous zones of her lovers. Steve has a tiny birthmark behind his ear that is extremely sensitive to heat; the warmth of her breath or touch of her tongue there makes him squirm and tremble all over. He also loves foot massages, and likes Susan to run her hands through his hair when she kisses him. But he hates being touched on the underside of his knees; it makes him kick out indiscriminately, and the discovery earned her a painful bruise on her thigh.


16. As far as Steve can tell, Susan's entire body is one big erogenous zone. This is quite comforting; he can never go wrong.


17. Her nether freckling is quite cute, really, although he'll never tell her that for fear of castration.


18. Patrick is the last man on earth who would ever get married, and Sally is the last woman on earth who could ever ensnare a man like Patrick. So when Steve helps Patrick pick out the ring, he does so knowing that the world is coming to an end and he'd best begin preparations for the coming apocalypse. Oddly enough, it doesn't worry him at all.


19. One afternoon, while flipping idly through a magazine and thinking about nothing in particular, her unborn child gives a little kick inside her and Susan realizes with perfect clarity that Jeff is never coming back. The baby kicks again, and she wonders if that's why. Steve the Overgrown Child was Jeff's best friend, but Steve the Father has no room in his life for him. It's strangely comforting, this new change in the world; she wishes Jeff well, but doesn't miss him.


20. Steve really does intend to spend the rest of his life with Susan, but he knows he'll never marry her. He's afraid that making their relationship official will jinx it, somehow, and Susan means too much to him to risk it.