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Meditation, Or Otherwise

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You sit in the forest, alone. To an outside observer, you could be mistaken for undertaking some impromptu meditation. You hear them calling your name, "Dustin! Dustin!"

But you don't answer.

You don't answer.

You don't want to deal with them right now. Don't want to deal with anything right now. Can't deal with anything right now. Try to run through your steps as your doctor taught you: how you are feeling, what are you thinking, trying to think rationally on pro and con. But it's hard, harder than anybody could ever know.

You don't want to make things worse by speaking up, speaking out. You know that they probably hate you now, no matter what. You try not to care, but it doesn't work. You know you shouldn't avoid it, confess it, but it's hard. Normal people couldn't possibly understand how you feel, think you're strange, oh no he needs to go to a psychiatrist and take medications but that's just not how it is.

How you envy them their completeness. Their calmness. They don't make mistakes, they aren't dumb, you can't even pick up a computer without breaking it and inviting the wrath of Cam.

And despite everything, despite friendship and being teammates, you have never told them of what you are. It's the entire shame thing, the entire not wanting to be different, at least not different in a negative way. Too many people have what you have according to your doctor, and yet you know nobody.

You hide your worry, your nervousness, your strangeness behind a friendly facade. So that people like you. So that you don't stand out and don't reveal how stupid a person you are and how you sometimes don't feel you belong on Earth.

Sometimes you pull yourself back, but it's hard, because you kind of have to struggle alone. To reveal your weakness would invite Lothor tailor-making an attack for you, which would bring down the rest of the team. After all, who wants a loser on a Ranger team?

So you pull yourself together. You smile. You pretend to laugh. You pretend everything's all right. Everything's normal.

Nobody will know that it's not.