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Man and Wife and Man

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Your name is Dave Strider and this is the greatest day of your life.

You thought the first time you touched a boob was the greatest day of your life. You thought the first time you nailed down a sick beat on the first try was also the greatest day of your life. But all this pales in comparison to the glory that is about to be yours. There are tears in your eyes. There is a smile on your face.

“I do,” you murmur, and bury your face in the soft, succulent breast of the steak burrito you just ordered. Cheese goes everywhere. There’s juice dripping down your chin. You chew and moan at the same time.

“David, don’t be crass,” Terezi says primly before fitting almost half of a Dorito taco in her mouth and crunching down. “It’f unfeemeh,” she continues, chewing with her mouth open while crumbs spray everywhere.

“Groth,” Sollux says quietly, stopping the crumbs about to spitball him in the face with a hastily-erected folder barricade. “You’re both completely dithguthting.”

“You know you love me,” you say before diving back into your burrito. You can’t be sure, given his glasses and your disinterest, but he probably rolls his eyes. His contempt is best expressed in ignoring you while nibbling on his nachos with determined politeness.

“I would marry this taco,” Terezi declares, contemplating the stack in front of her. “Every single taco.”

“I’d marry your face,” you say, as a reflex. The usual riposte goes “your mom” followed up by a devolving accusation of each party’s mothers and faces and other various family members and their faces, and at first, that is completely what you’re expecting. Terezi is silent, however, which you only notice after a prolonged period. You look up, for a second worried that she choked on her beloved taco, but she’s staring at you (or in your direction), lips puckered in a pensive expression.

“Okay,” she says, and you freeze. Sollux does, as well.


“I’ll marry your face, too,” she says, and returns to her taco. You put down your burrito. You fold your hands. You look at Sollux for support but he is still staring at Terezi with his jaw hanging loose. She finishes the half a taco with a slurp and grins. There are spices stuck in the crevices of her teeth. “In fact, I’ll do it right now. I will make both of you my bride, right here in this Taco Bell.”

You know your girl when she’s playing chicken. She’s the best there is. Nobody has the balls to beat her in a squaring off of wills. She simply has no limits, none at all (you mean, she has them, but they’re…oddly placed). Terezi is calm, starting in on her next taco, no trace of a laugh hiding anywhere in her face. You look at Sollux. Sollux looks at you.

“Given that we’re friendth, not actually dating,” Sollux says hesitantly, “why—”

“Because we need somebody who can do our taxes in this marriage,” Terezi says breezily, “and because we both know that we are basically platonically dating.”

Sollux colors but doesn’t object. You are still waiting for the punchline.

Terezi sends a text and returns to her tacos. You pick up your burrito and chew it much more slowly than before, thinking of something to fill this increasingly-awkward silence with. Before you get the chance, Roxy bursts in the door.

“I’m here!” she announces, adjusting the tear-away tuxedo front she has on over her pink sundress. “Where do you want me?”

“At the window, please,” Terezi says, fitting another half-taco in her mouth. Roxy winks and skips to the other end of the restaurant, where she whirls around and waves, giggling. You have a bad feeling about this.

“Roxy is still ordained, isn’t she,” you say. Terezi grins.

“Are we theriouthly doing thith?” Sollux says nervously. “Don’t we need a marriage lithenthe?”

“A detail we’ll take care of later,” Terezi says, standing. She grabs a napkin from the stack on the table, unfolds it, and tucks it into her ponytail. You recognize it for a veil as she gathers a fistful of plastic cutlery for a bouquet. “Well, come on!”

This is insane. This is nuts. This is Not A Good Idea ™.

You and Sollux look at each other, then walk each other down the makeshift aisle towards your mutual bride (groom? Since she said she’d make you two her brides? Who even cares, this is happening).

It’s a touching ceremony. Roxy drones eloquent about the values of friendship and soulmates when Terezi holds Sollux’s hand, then about romance and amazing sex when it’s your turn. There’s also some stuff about growing old together, sickness and health, jazzy stuff. For the second time today you say “I do” and this time your belly flutters.

When Terezi kisses you full on the mouth while high-fiving Sollux, the combined taste of steak and Doritos in your mouth assures you of one thing:

This is actually the best day of your life.