"This is Marie," said Dara, "and she's teaching my children Irish."
"This is Marie," said David, "and she's my self-defence instructor."
"This is Marie," said Charlie, "and she writes porn about me on the internet."
There was a moment of silence, then the audience burst out into raucous laughter, as did Lee's team.
"What?" Charlie demanded, mock-indignant. "What's so unbelievable about somebody finding me sufficiently sexually attractive to write pornography about me?"
"What kind of porn?" Lee finally managed to ask.
"Slash fiction," Charlie promptly responded. "Which, for the sake of the ignorant, is homoerotic fanfiction."
"So she writes gay porn about you on the internet," Lee said.
"Not always," Charlie said. "Sometimes I'm paired with a woman. But she's normally pegging me, so it probably doesn't count as entirely straight."
"Who does she write you having sex with?" Davina asked, leaning forward.
"All kinds of people," Charlie said.
"Come on, Brooker," Jimmy said. "Name names and stop evading the question."
"Bossy git," Charlie said. "Okay, Victoria Coren, Ben Goldacre, myself - time travelling or multiple versions of me or whatever. But mostly it's David."
Lee promptly choked on his glass of water. "No, sorry, that's the point where I draw the line. She looks sane. She can't possibly want to see you two having sex."
"Well, to be fair," Charlie said, "I don't know if she actually wants to see it. She just writes about it. And the sex is normally fairly crap."
"Which I find rather offensive," David said. "Just because we both have a public persona of being rather inept at the amorous arts, it doesn't mean we actually are."
"Aha!" Davina said. "Now you're saying Charlie's telling the truth!"
Lee pounced on that. "Yes! Exactly! What about your hard-working self-defence instructor?"
David paused. "I'm saying that, if Charlie were telling the truth, I would find my perceived lack of sexual prowess rather offensive."
"Really," Lee said, looking sceptical. "Tell us some more about Marie, Charlie. What does she do when she isn't writing porn about you two?"
"Um," Charlie said, "I think she's a librarian."
"Definitely a lie," Jimmy said. "Couldn't you have come up with a less stereotypical profession? Kinky librarians are done to death." He raised an eyebrow at the audience's laughter.
"Maybe it's a stereotype because it's true," Charlie pointed out.
"Does she have cats, too?" Lee asked.
"Yes," Charlie admitted. "Two."
"What are their names?"
"I don't know! It's not like we're close friends! She just writes porn about me!"
Lee rested his head in his hands until the audience's gale of laughter faded away. "That is something I never thought I'd hear Charlie Brooker say," he said.
"I know porn about Charlie is fascinating," Rob said, "but there are two other possibilities for you explore."
After discussing the possibility of Dara's kids being forced to learn Irish ("He'd just teach it himself," Lee decided. "'No Guinness for you until you ask for it in Irish!'" "More of your utterly ridiculous Irish stereotypes!") and David's fear of being mugged ("I can totally buy that he lives in fear," Jimmy said. "What I can't buy is that he's lived in London for years and he's only just doing anything about it."), Davina said, "I think it's the porn about Charlie."
"You do?" Lee said.
"There's no need to sound so completely incredulous about it!" Charlie objected.
"No," Jimmy said, face twisted into a mock-sympathetic expression, "there really is."
"I think there's something about Charlie," Davina said. "I think he could appeal to a certain type of woman."
"Thank you, Davina," Charlie said.
"Yeah, blind and deaf women," Lee said. "I think it's Dara."
"Fuck you, Mack!" Charlie said.
"Apparently you're too busy fucking David to fuck me," Lee responded, and Charlie failed to force back a smile as he looked away.
"I agree with Lee," Jimmy said. "I think she's an Irish teacher."
"Right. We're saying Dara is telling the truth," Lee said.
Rob cleared his throat. "Marie, would you tell the panellists who you are?"
The woman's blush was visible even through the TV make-up as she turned to the camera and said, "I'm Marie St. Clair, and I write porn about Charlie Brooker on the internet."
"NO!" Lee shouted over the audience's laughter, and slapped the desk. "That's bollocks. You're just lying now because you want David's team to win!"
"Really?" Jimmy said, leaning forward. "You really write porn about Charlie Brooker?"
"Yes," Marie said, with a rather bashful grin.
"So," Jimmy said. "Do, er, I ever make an appearance?"
"Sometimes," Marie admitted. "But just as a peripheral character."
"Great," Jimmy said to the audience. "I'm apparently less sexy than Charlie Brooker and David Mitchell combined. I might as well end my life now."
"Now, you look like a sensible woman," Lee said. "You've got to be fairly intelligent to be a librarian. So why the hell are you writing porn about those two? If you have to write porn - and I've got nothing against it, mind - why not somebody sexy?"
Marie shrugged. "I think they are sexy."
"I take it back," Lee said. "You're not sensible."
"Oh, look," Jimmy said. "They're blushing."
And Charlie and David were, indeed, both looking rather flushed.
"I'm sorry," Marie told them, "and I promise I'll stop if you ask me to."
"Don't apologise to them!" Lee demanded. "Apologise to us! You've given me the mental image of those two fucking and I don't think my brain'll ever be clean again!"
"Really?" Davina said. "You really want to see those two making out?"
"I think you should make her dreams come true," Davina said to the other team.
"Are you really suggesting," David said, "that Charlie and I should kiss for the pleasure of some weirdo off the internet?"
"Yes!" Davina said. "She won you a point, after all."
"Not to be a pedant," David said, "but it was actually Dara's excellent lying combined with your team's inability to spot a lie that won us the point."
"Who thinks," Rob interrupted, "that Charlie and David should kiss?"
Judging by the roar from the audience, the answer was, 'Pretty much everybody'.
"You're all sick," David said, but he turned to face Charlie. "Well?"
Charlie shrugged. "Why not?"
"Oh, god," Lee said, and covered his eyes as the two leaned closer together. But, as the audience got even more excited, he peeped through his fingers.
And, yes, David and Charlie were snogging.
And, around the country, a thousand tinhats grew extra specially shiny.