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To Kill the Monster Within

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I used to wonder, if I pretend for long enough that I’m ok, maybe I’ll believe it, too. Everyone else has already been fooled, so how much harder do I need to try to make it real? I used to wonder about that, wonder about it a lot. But not anymore. Now I know it doesn’t matter. Because everything is still inside of me, and it’s never going to go away. The guilt, the hatred.

The truth.

The monster.

I’ve fallen too far to be saved, to matter, to deserve having someone who’ll care, who’ll miss me when I’m gone. I’ve been a failure, a monster, a lie, a disappointment, to everyone who I love, and for that I know there are no words I can say, no action I can take to make up for what I have said and done. It’s too late to save what we had, I know that. My actions, my choices are unforgivable, and I know and accept that, no matter if they were done for the right reasons.

I know neither of you can forgive me, let alone forget who and what I am, nor should you. There’s no use in trying, not anymore. Both of you have made it clear just how much of an abomination my mere presence is. I’ve noticed the looks, the postures, the cut-off conversations when I come in, the way you bite your tongue so we don’t start yet another shouting match.

I know you both hate me, for what I am and for what I have done. For all the betrayal, choices, and pain I have caused you. I’m not trying to convince you to feel otherwise; keep on hating me. God knows I hate myself.

You, Dean, are only putting up with my presence because of the promise you gave dad, you precious mission. That, and you don’t trust me out on my own. In regards to the latter, I don’t blame you. I’ve made too many choices, good intentions or not, that have hurt you, hurt others. I’m sorry you still feel like you need to clean up after your baby brother, keep him on a leash to keep him out of trouble, like a dog who won’t learn to mind so has to be chained up so he doesn’t make a mess.

I’m sorry, Dean. Ruby, killing Lilith, everything… I was doing it all to either save or protect you. I know I shouldn’t have allowed myself to be fooled, but I was. I was stupid, and now there is nothing left to say, no way to fix what I broke, what I destroyed between us. Heaven… I don’t know what happened in Heaven, because while those were nice memories, they sure as Hell weren’t the best. I know you won’t believe that, you didn’t before and you won’t even now, but it’s the truth. After that voicemail you left, part of my hoped you would be the one to pull the trigger. But I guess it’ll be me, instead.
Thank you for being there, growing up. I know I wasn’t the best younger brother, but you sure as hell were the best big brother anyone could ever have asked for. I am so lucky to have had you, Dean.

Castiel, I know I’m just Dean’s little brother to you on a good day, and underneath that the Boy with the Demon Blood, Lucifer’s vessel. I’m tainted, I know that, I don’t need the angels to remind me of that fact, since it’s my fault for trusting Ruby, for drinking her blood and then killing Lilith and opening the Cage. But I still want apologize to you as well because you’ve helped us, and saved our asses more than once. I know Dean and I would have had a lot harder time getting out of several situations, angel related or not, without you backing us up, healing us, fighting along side of us. I know it must’ve been hard at times, and that Dean was your mission. Honestly I was surprised you were able to heal me at all, given what I am.

I heard you asking Dean about human love, and I heard my name. Why and how you picked that out of my head, I’ll never know. What I do know is how much worse things got between us after that day. I am so sorry, Castiel. I didn’t mean to. It just… happened. I knew at the beginning, when I first realized what was going on that nothing would come of it. It’d be a sin to you in the first place, but being a man who is also stained with demon blood, an abomination?

You were never supposed to find out. Ever.

Again, I’m so sorry.

Look after Dean, will you? He needs someone in his life whom he can trust, and I know that person is you. Don’t let him eat pie all of the time. And don’t let him keep teasing you about your lack of understanding of English phrases; I’m sure you could look some up that’ll trip him up.

It’s just… we were pretending everything’s ok when we all know it’s not; I was walking on broken glass around both of you. It was like if we didn’t acknowledge that there was a huge freaking monster named Sam in the room, it’d go away eventually. I tried to wait it out, but now, looking back, I know that it was pointless to try and wait it out. But now, at least you two can relax, and get back to normal, ‘cause the monster is gone.

Take care of each other.

Love you, Dean. Jerk.

Castiel, since I can say it here, and not see the disgust on your face. I love you, Castiel.


P.S. I mailed Bobby where to find my body. Dean, if you could, please, go there when he calls you, and burn my body. I don’t want to cause problems afterwards.