Spock could only stare at his captain. Yes, his captain. His Jim. His. And yet he was speaking of, he was saying…
“Spock?” Jim’s voice was whisper soft, barely there, and filled with a certain cadence that the Jim from the other universe did not have. He couldn’t explain it if he was tortured for the information.
And those eyes. The same blue, yes, but so much more expressive, so much more pain-filled, needy, wanting.
Spock looked down at the floor, unable to bear the scrutiny at the moment. “I…was intimate with him.”
Spock glanced at Jim, startled. It was obvious that Jim really did not know, and yet, Spock could barely believe in that truth.
“Because he was-he is James Kirk,” Spock finally got the words out. “I was sent into a nightmare of proportions I was very much unprepared for.”
“One where you were no longer alive. I have never…it was unimaginable. Even though it came very close to being the case here as well. Leonard brought you back to us.” Spock shook his head.
His heart hurt. It was hard to breathe. Here he was back in his universe, so why did he feel so much pain?
“Just when I had begun to-to imagine declaring my feelings, I was abducted from here and sent there.”
“Your feelings?” Jim frowned. “Wait. What? What feelings?”
Spock took a step backward. “That you imagine I do not want you is…I would die for you. I would kill for you. I would do anything for you. I would bring back the dead for you. To return to be by your side and no others. How can you not know that one moment with you is worth hundreds with him or anyone else?”
Jim stepped forward. He was wringing his hands. His eyes were shiny and his face rather battered looking. “But. But. But he’s sunny and happy and beautiful and joyous and so many things that I—”
“Perhaps he is all those things,” Spock agreed. “Perhaps he is.”
“But he is not you. He can never be you. You share the same name. The same face. The same incredible ass.”
At that Jim laughed, though it sounded rather like a cross between a laugh and a sob.
“He even sounds like you. Kind of. Not quite though. There is something you have that he lacks. And I need that. I need you. And the circumstances that you have lived with that have created you as you are. And those that have created me as I am. Those circumstances that worked to shape our lives together. All of that. I need that. I need you, James Tiberius Kirk. I do not want some golden copy of you. I want you. I love you. With everything I have and am. For as long as I live and beyond. Eternally.”
Jim blinked rapidly and then he looked down at the floor.
“Ashaya,” Spock whispered. “Please tell me that I am not wrong and that you love me as well.”
Jim shook his head and Spock suddenly felt weary and certain that the emotional pain of Jim’s rejection would be something he could not survive.
But then Jim looked up, his eyes full of tears. “God, I love you so fucking much I can’t breathe.”
There was a cry and it came from him.
Spock ran to Jim just as Jim ran to him and Jim flung himself into Spock’s arms and Spock’s mouth consumed him.
Jim was laughing and crying at the same time. Spock pulled him closer still, wrapping his arms around him, feeling his warmth, his energy, how alive he was. For him. For him.
“I-I thought,” Jim said. Stopped. Cleared his throat. Kissed Spock again with a wet face and mouth. “They were so happy to see him. And you and Bones, you were just, oh we’re back. And I wanted-for a moment-I wanted that enthusiasm.”
Spock closed his eyes and held Jim tightly. “My beautiful, beautiful James. We are not them and they are not us. Believe me when I say that Leonard and I could not have been more ecstatic to be home. Here. With you.”
“You feel so good,” Jim whispered against Spock’s throat. “So very good. So…right.”
“You are mine,” Spock told him. “You are my t’hy’la.”
“You’re amazing,” Jim whispered. “That you would do all that you must have to bring him back, so he could be with his Spock, so that you could be with me, I don’t even know what to say. I’m in awe.”
Spock picked him up then and carried him, without protest, toward the bed.
He laid them side by side, so they could look into each other’s eyes, kissing and touching, and just being together.
“I want you,” Jim said after a while. “I want to be intimate with you.”
“I want that as well,” Spock admitted. “I want to cover his scent with mine.”
“God, Spock.” He was suddenly frowning and looking sad again. “I’m sorry.”
“Our-our first time together, it should have been us. Not substitutes. And we can never get that back.”
Spock put his hand on Jim’s face, rubbing his thumb along Jim’s jawline, slightly roughened with stubble. “Our time together will be wonderful simply because I finally have you.”
At that Jim smiled. Spock realized then how very precious Jim’s smiles were. They touched him bone deep, katra deep perhaps, because when Jim did give them, and yes they were a gift, it was the most special thing. And that Spock could even think that or feel this way, he would never have believed.
Jim changed him.
This Jim. His.
He might not smile sunnily, freely, and often. But yes, Spock treasured them. Treasured Jim. More than anything.
“Yeah, you’re right,” Jim replied. “Whoever went before us, none of that matters. Only you do.”
Spock’s hands maybe shook a little as he prepared to undress his captain for the first time. Jim helped with the boots and then tugged off his own shirts, but Spock’s finger went to the fastenings of his trousers. Once he had the buttons undone, he slid the zipper down slowly.
“You seem a little nervous,” Jim said softly.
Spock shook his head in denial. “Not nervous. More like…the anticipation is killing me.”
A soft laugh. “That’s a very human thing to say, Mister Spock.”
“Yes,” he acknowledged. He slipped his hands into the waistband of Jim’s pants and began to pull them down. Jim rose up a little so it was easier to scoot them down off his rounded bottom. When Jim was left in nothing but his socks and boxer briefs, Spock rose up, bracing his arms against the mattress as he stared down at his t’hy’la. He sucked in a breath. “You are perfect.”
Jim laughed again, his skin flushing red. “Spock.”
“It is true,” he whispered, reverently. “That you would give yourself to me, that you would allow me this, I am at a loss for words except, Taluhk nash-veh k'dular. And yet they hardly seem enough.”
Jim stared at him with eyes so deeply, richly blue they seemed almost preternatural. “Your clothes.”
Reluctant to be parted from Jim even for a moment, Spock got up from the bed to rid himself of his own currently offending attire. He wanted skin on skin. Nothing separating them in any way. As soon as he was stripped, he was on the bed again, on Jim, fusing their lips together until neither of them could catch their breath.
They removed Jim’s briefs together and then slid their bare bodies together, across each other, over. Hot skin against hot skin.
He thought of lubricant and then realized his penis was secreting quite a generous amount of his own fluid. Still, he opened his mouth to ask Jim, when Jim seized his head and pulled him down for more kisses.
Jim groaned against his mouth. “Fuck me.”
“Now,” Jim cut him off. “It’ll be enough. Want you inside me. Now.”
Spock could not deny Jim and he found that he had no desire to deny himself. Lifting and parting Jim’s legs, Spock drove in to the tightness of Jim’s body. Jim framed his face and pulled him into another kiss, even as he bent his body near in half.
“Jim, Jim, Jim,” Spock moaned out, pulling back a little to slam into Jim hard and fast. Deep. Everywhere they touched there was a warm, almost electric buzzing, a thrilling pulse. His t’hy’la. This was how it should be, how it could be. Always.
He wrapped his fist around Jim’s phallus, unable to help his own grunt of satisfaction when Jim whined and keened at the touch. He used his other hand to grab one of Jim’s hands, threading them together, seeking any contact he could have.
Jim’s eyelids drifted half-closed and he panted heavily, the hand not held by Spock, smoothing over every inch of Spock he could touch, that thrilling pulse following wherever he did.
How had he ever survived without this, without him? Spock hoped he would never have to know again. Jim filled a void Spock hadn’t known existed.
Jim cried out, nearly mewling like a cat, as cum shot out of his cock and onto Spock’s fingers and all over Jim’s torso. “I love you, I love you.”
Spock released Jim’s hand to place his hand upon Jim’s face, spreading his fingers over the psi points there. “Jim?”
Jim nodded, his eyes glazed still, beads of sweat dotting his flushed skin.
Spock entered Jim’s mind just as he was within his body. Flashes of light and splashes of color alighted everything inside him, warmed him, embraced him, the brilliant, electric mind of his beloved.
Spock’s hips thrust frantically as he poured into Jim, his orgasm more intense than any he had ever felt, as he joined fully with his t’hy’la.
Spock felt a gently push on his shoulder sometime later. He tried to open his eyes.
“Babe, you’re squashing and roasting me.”
Spock forced himself to slide out of Jim and off of him to lay beside him, once more facing him, and looking into those nearly glowing blue eyes.
“Computer, lower temperature twenty degrees,” Jim called out, dazedly.
“I worship you,” Spock whispered, his hand going to the spot on Jim’s chest where his heart beat.
“The feeling is very mutual.” Jim groaned. “I should get up, shouldn’t I? We have guests.”
Spock shook his head. “There is no requirement at present to rise. Considering everything, and their own reunion, they will not mind.”
“Good. Because right now I don’t think I can move and anyway I just want to be with you. Like this.” Jim reached out his hand and placed it on Spock’s side where his heart beat. “I feel you. In my head. It’s not intrusive or anything. Just like a presence.” He smiled softly. “I feel safe.”
“You are always safe with me.”
Jim yawned then and laughed softly. “Sorry. I just haven’t had a lot of sleep and that really wiped me out. So intense.”
“Sleep, T’hy’la. I will watch over you. Over everything.”
Jim’s lips curved as his eyes closed.
Spock was home.