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ain't no rest for the wicked

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I'm not the sort of person who falls in and quickly out of love
But to you I gave my affection right from the start

I have a lover who loves me
How could I break such a heart?

Yet, still, you get my attention

 

Elena is a terrible person. She's that girl. The girl that is showered with affection and love, and just can't make up her flighty, silly little mind about who to keep. That girl that strings all the guys along because she can.

Except that Elena doesn't do it just because she can.

It's that she's weak.

She loves Stefan. Deeply. He's her best friend. She can talk to him about anything, he's always there for her, and he makes the butterflies in her belly flutter. He's considerate and kind, and he's a genuinely good person. Jenna liked him.

She thinks her parents would have liked him too.

But she loves Damon too.

It shouldn't have happened. Elena may be weak, but she's at least mustered the courage to face her own truth.

The truth is that she's loved Damon since she held him while his heart broke outside that empty tomb. He waited over two hundred years to be a hero for the first woman he loved, and that means something.

It's ironic that Elena fell in love with Damon for his steadfastness and loyalty given her own fickle heart.

Elena is the worst.

 

Why do you come here when you know I've got troubles enough?
Why do you call me when you know I can't answer the phone?
Why do you come here and pretend to be just passing by?

But I mean to see you, and I mean to hold you tightly

 

If Elena could love Damon in the deepest, darkest parts of her soul and keep it to herself, she could look at her own reflection without being too terribly disappointed. Everyone's got secrets, after all, and if she could keep hers all to herself and pretend they didn't exist -- well, it would really be best for everyone.

But she can't do that. Perhaps if she didn't have to see Damon all the time, didn't have to interact with him, didn't catch his long looks, didn't have to pretend she was ignorant to all the subtext in what he does for her, and what he says to her ...

She's so, so weak.

Damon loves his brother.

She can feel the burning looks he gives her sometimes, and sometimes he's right in she and Stefan's faces like he has a say in her life, but at the end of the day he would never try to woo her from Stefan outright. He chooses to be the bad brother, but underneath all of that is the man who spent over two hundred years trying to get back to the woman he loved. Underneath it all, Damon is the very best kind of living being to the ones he loves, and he loves his baby brother more than anything.

He loves his baby brother more than he loves Elena, even.

And that just makes her love him all the more, because she loves Stefan like that too. She'd die for him in an instant. He's worth it. Stefan is the best of them all.

Even if he's worth her life, he's apparently only worth half of her heart, because that's all he's got. Damon has the other half.

And even if she won't admit it to herself most the time, and definitely won't say it out loud, she's just no good at secrets and lies. The truth seeps from her skin like a swirling mist. Stefan knows. Damon knows. Elena knows.

She is a terrible person.

 

This old love has me bound, but the new love cuts deep

If I choose now, I'll lose out
One of you has to fall, and I need you and you

 

She chose Stefan.

She was steadfast when he lost his mind to bloodlust.

She was there when he was himself again. She fought for him with everything in her, and Damon helped her. It hurt Damon to help her find her lost love and win him back, but he did it anyway. Because he loves her, and he loves his little brother, and Damon is more selfless than he knows.

(These things make her love for him deeper than ever.)

Stefan came back to her. He came back because of her. And she was reunited with the first man who showed her what real love looked like, and she was happy. (And she hated herself just a little bit, too, because the love she felt for Damon still coated her skin like a metaphorical sheen of sweat. Everyone knew the truth.)

But she finally had the strength to make a decision. Be with Stefan. Set Damon free. Love him as much as he loved her.

 

Make me lie when I don't want to
And make someone else some kind of an unknowing fool

 

But then she died and everything changed.

Every feeling she had was bigger, stronger, so much harder to ignore. Her love, and her want, and her hunger came pouring out.

Stefan didn't recognize her. Elena didn't recognize herself.

But she does know one thing. Elena the vampire is the truth. Elena the vampire can't hide parts of herself that she doesn't like -- won't do it. Elena the vampire is undiluted, concentrated Elena. She is selfish and reckless and intense and hates herself more than a little bit. She is brave and passionate. She is utterly ruthless, because she is honest that no one is as important as the people she loves and she will do what must be done to protect them.

Elena the vampire and Stefan the vampire still love each other, and the raw connection that has always been there is still there. In fact, it's so intense that Elena can almost taste it. She wants Stefan in ways she never knew she could want him.

And it's just that, that makes everything fall apart.

Stefan loves Elena, and he wants vampire Elena just as much as vampire Elena wants him, but he hates that he wants her like that. Stefan hates vampire Stefan. And that is the truth that ultimately breaks them.

 

You make me stay when I should not
Are you so strong, or is all the weakness in me?

 

Elena is still the worst though.

Because vampire Elena and vampire Damon find out very quickly they fit together exactly right -- over and over and over again.

 

Feeling guilty, worried, waking from tormented sleep

 

When Elena sleeps twined with Damon, miles and miles of bare skin wrapped up together, she dreams of Stefan dying. When she wakes in Damon's arms and he nuzzles her neck (good morning, love of my life, mine, mine, mine) she tells him that she dreams of his brother. Of pain and death and fear.

She sees fear in Damon's eyes too, but for different reasons.

Elena is a terrible person.