When Jimin is in this headspace, dancing is the only thing that matters. He doesn’t think about time passing by, doesn’t think about hunger, doesn’t think about rest – he only thinks about his moves, the music he tries to dance, the feelings he needs to get rid of.
College is hell. Exams are hell. Stress. His life has only been about stress lately and he really needed something to shake this of and let himself be… free. He needed to think about something else, to do what he knows will help him and free his worries and feelings.
He messed up – he feels like it. All his will and hours of work, all the things he learnt – this was spent for nothing. When he read the questions everything was gone. What was the event that happened during this or that date ? He didn’t know. The thing is : he knew but stress made him feel insecure. What if he got wrong ? What if he failed ? He’s sure he failed.
The music intensifies but he doesn’t hear it. There’s like a blank noise surrounding him – does he even feel something right now ? He moves but is eyes-closed, not wishing to see his reflection in the mirror. What kind of image would he see, huh ? What’s the point in looking at his pathetic self ? He can’t. He can’t do it. He can’t even think about looking at him or he’ll cry.
He wants to scream, to show people how much he’s frustrated, how much he worked. His teachers will think he didn’t do a thing. If he gets bad grades, they’ll think he doesn’t take his work seriously. They’ll think he takes studies for granted and doesn’t deserve to be given the chance to be there.
He wants to cry. Shout. Punch a wall. Hide somewhere dark. He needs to but he can’t – he knows it well. Cornered. He feels cornered in a sort of nightmare, the kind of reality where nothing goes the way you wanted to no matter how hard you tried to reach your goal. That’s why he dances : in moments like this, he feels like the only thing he can control is his own body (sometimes, when even this fails to comfort him, he goes home, watch some drama where characters die and cry, the death being his excuse to cry without hating himself more).
Somehow, he wanted to dance like this until he faints, escaping from harsh reality for a while and then coming back. He needed a break with life, college, stress and everything – but he didn’t want either. Sleeping isn’t an option for now, that’s why he needs to reach the point where his mind doesn’t work anymore, where he can’t think straight and is only able to go home and then sleep for as long as his body would need to.
He doesn’t care about his body aching – he has to dance. He doesn’t notice the sound of the door being opened. He doesn’t notice the music being stopped. He doesn’t notice short man walking over to him – not until he’s pulled into a back hug. It takes him several seconds before registering what just happened and who the man behind him is.
“Do you know how late it is, Park Jimin ?” Yoongi whispers softly in his ear, trying to make him calm down a little. “How long have you been dancing here ?”
“Don’t know” he responds, letting the back of his head rest on Yoongi’s shoulder. He tries to slow his breathing pace, really, but after hours of dancing like he did, it’s quite difficult.
“Do you feel a little better ?” he knows this isn’t the kind of questions Jimin wants to face right now and that it’ll – probably – make him cry but he knows as well that Jimin needs it.
“I… no. Actually I’m just… kind of empty. I don’t know. I feel lost and I can’t explain it, it’s like…”
“Feeling alone while triggered by everything ? In some dark and threatening place ?” he buries his face in the crook of Jimin’s neck, his breath tickling softly the other’s skin.
“The kind which make you think “I want to sleep until better days come” ?”
“I feel like this too sometimes. You’re just stressed and exhausted, dancing may help but why do you have to exhaust yourself like this ? One day you’ll –“
“Hyung, please. I know this already.”
“Sorry. Can I help you in some way, honey ?”
He closes his eyes. “Yeah. Maybe. I don’t know.”
“Leave this to me.”
They walk home slowly, holding hands and not saying a word. Yoongi knows why Jimin’s in this kind of state, he knows the amount of stress he’s been through these days – and to be honest, this happened more often to himself than Jimin. They don’t have the same stress, don’t have the same fears but still, they were here for each other. And for being together for a few years now, they know how to react to the other’s worries.
As they enter their small apartment, the younger one felt safer. Their house and the elder’s presence were enough to make him feel a little bit safer. He took his shoes off slowly and watched Yoongi busying himself in the kitchen, probably making something to eat – something like instant ramen, the best thing when he doesn’t feel well. Yoongi saw him watching in the corridor and opened his arms, a warm smile on his features. Jimin wondered what he did to deserve someone like that before going straight to his embrace, hugging him tightly. He lets out a sigh of comfort when he feels the elder stroking his hair, kindly rocking them back and forth.
“Can you play the piano for me ?”
Yoongi pulls back to watch Jimin’s face, kissing his forehead, and leads him to the small brown piano they have. They sit together in front of it and as Yoongi plays, his fingers caressing the black and white keys, Jimin rests his head on the elder’s lap. Being like this makes him feel surrounded, feeling the notes vibrating into the air as well as the elder’s warmth.
“Don’t you think you’ll be more comfortable on the couch ?” Yoongi asks, still pressing the keys while looking fondly at the dancer.
“Want to stay here with you.”
They smile at each other, Yoongi sometimes stopping playing to rub a thumb across Jimin’s cheeks – that’s how he finally dozes off : the soft notes Yoongi’s making, his warmth, his fond smile and little “I love you” whispered softly.
Jimin loves to dance when he doesn’t feel good, but what he really needs, what can help him the most is Yoongi – when he’s with him, he knows that the next day, maybe the day after that if he felt too bad, everything will be fine. Yoongi’s the one keeping him safe and sane.