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Once More With Cheesemongers

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Answer All My Questions

(Polly:) Every single day, the same arrangement, I go out and wash the loos
Yet lately I have thought of bold investment, I've got a lot to gain, just as much to lose
I've been watching boys as they make noise, now I must make a choice
That might answer all my questions -
Dressing up this fall
And going out to find my brother Paul

I was always good and obeyed my parents, now I'm gonna misbehave
You might think I should just let someone else be the one to save--
(Soldier:) I beg, a decent grave (dies)
(Polly:) Perhaps I should just cave
(Boys:) She is watching us these days and thus we think we have a chance
(Polly:) But this might answer all my questions (Boys: Answer all our questions)
Following the drum
(Boy:) Hey can I buy a great big glass of - rum? (the other boys cheer)

(Polly:) Could I bring my brother back? Get away with just a smack?
(Boy:) What time are you off? (Polly:) You stay back! I just wanna be
Safe with all my questions
Answered perfectly
My captured brother saved, and I once more a maid
I'm following the drum
You'll see!

*


I'm In the Army

(Polly:) I'm in the army, I'm Ozzer Perks now, I'm a guy, yes, nothing odd to see here
(Tonker:) I'm in the army, I'm Tonker Halter, and I'm a tougher sod so Zlobs had better learn fear
(Shufti:) I'm in the army, I must learn to cuss
(All recruits:) We enlisted, hope that this is not the end of us

(Wazzer:) We must pray now, pray for solace, but not much solace cause the Good Book says we must have sorrow to be tempered, better people, and not too vain cause that would be a sin.
I'm in the army, for the Duchess
(uncomfortable silence)
(Jade:) I'm in the...
(Wazzer:) If the Duchess wants our lives then we'll be happy to die so
There will be peace and plenty and best yet, we will know
That ours has been a sacrifice that will live on in the lives of our people!
Duchess, Duchess we do it for the Duchess!

(Maladict:) Or maybe horsebread.

(Lofty:) I'm in the army, think I'm kinda stuck
(All:) We're in the army, now we know that we are out of luck

(Polly:) I'm in the army, got my reasons
Why think about a sad tomorrow?
Why dwell on misery and sorrow?
We'll sleep tonight on good dry hay
Eat well tonight, or at least okay
(All:) Why think about a sad tomorrow?
Why should we dwell on future sorrow?
We'll eat tonight, we'll sleep tonight
(Polly:) It's not like we
Can whine all night

(All:) Why think about a sad tomorrow? (Shufti: Why think about)
Why dwell on misery and sorrow? (Shufti: A sad tomorrow)
We'll face it when we're there
(Wazzer:) For the Duchess

*

I Have Heard My Call

(Wazzer:)
I lived my life in shadow
Never the sun on my face
I was so poor and so low
They told me this was my place
Now I'm bathed in light
I've never felt so right
I have heard my call
Duchess, this is true:
I will give my life to you
I'm happy as can be
Here in your army
Never felt so bold and free

You smiled at me until I
Finally looked up and saw
And now in your arms I lie
Your love fills me with awe
I was lost, I'm found
To you now I am bound
I have heard my call
Nothing I won't do
I commend my soul to you
Into your arms I'll fall
Flying joyfully
Defy all odds to be with you
You made me believe

There's no way to hide
I can feel you inside
I have heard my call
You have my loyalty
I bow to you so willingly
Summer spring and fall
You will comfort me
Winter might yet break me free
And bring my reprieve
You make me complete
You make me believe
You made me --

*

I Know Best

(Blouse:) This is the plan: see that man with the light-clacks?
He's the one that we'll need
But just for now we lay down, won't attack
Till he's done with this deed
Patience I command
Lay still and stay your anxious hand
You'll come to see it yet - I know this best

(Jackrum:) You're just a fool you're the government's tool untried in our ways
You have the rank but I think that the frank experience pays
I've seen so many wars
While you've been accounting the stores
You will come to admit - I know this best

(Both:) I know I know best

(B:) He lacks finesse (J:) I really must confess
I wouldn't trust his assess of an outhouse hole
(B:) He's obsessed with feces (J:) He doesn't know what war is
(B:) He simply fails to see that there's a greater whole
(Both:) You know this will get hairy
(J:) Blouse, you're only temporary
(B:) You think you're so damned scary
(J:) You know you're just a fucking Mary, and I really don't jest
(Both:) Goddamn I know I know best

(J:) When things get rough he'll just hide behind me, you'll see
(B:) Now look here, you will see the inside of a cell
(J:) Oh no, he's angry, he'll rough me up, how scary!
(B:) And what d'you mean "Mary"? (J:) Oh just wait and I'll tell!
It's-- (B:) Oh look here, I'm Jackrum! (waddles around and belches)

(J:) (nances about) Ooh dear I cut myself with my swooord!

(Both:) You know (J:) I will get you
(B:) Discharge you
(J:) You're the lousiest of ruperts you're the sorriest of losers
What this squad needs is your quick demise

(B:) He reeks (J:) He reads
(B:) I'll notice all his bad deeds
He'll see where it will lead, all this disrespect
(J:) I made some rules up, never thought he'd catch up
I never thought the little rat would know to suspect
I lied, okay, and so what? Defied the law to serve it the best
(B:) Is he looking to get rid of me?
(J:) He's gonna get us killed, just wait and see
(B:) Will the squad become the winner if I make him miss his dinner?
(J:) Will we even get to Kneck or will he find some way to kill me?
(B:) Am I clear now? (J:) All the clearer. (B:) Just don't step up any nearer.
(Both:) You know very well I hate you and I do not jest
By God I know I know best
You louse, I know I know best
(B:) My final word
(J:) I'll get you yet
(B:) Fixing you up one of these days
(Both:) I know this best

*


Give Me My Caffeine

(Maladict:)
I quit so many years ago
Now I lack the thing to make my craving go
How will I get through this now?
How can I keep my vow?

I'm scared, afraid of what I feel
I can tell that Igor knows, know she won't be genteel
A stake beneath her cloak she stands
A hammer in her hands

That's great, but I would rather live
I'm a ten-cup-a-day case, and now I'm down to nil
Smoking fags, but I know that I'm low on caffeine
Give me my caffeine

Give me my caffeine, and not too lean
Let me have a cup or you know that I'll turn kinda mean
It's bloodshed time if I don't get my midnight black Klatchi'n
So give me my caffeine

I know I just have to deal
But I can hear the planes above, and they ain't even real
I think I'm in a jungle now, got Charlie on my trail
Gods I need caffeine

The change will begin
But I hang on with all the strength I've left
There's a vampire's heart beneath this pin
Just aim your stake a little left
I can feel it rising deep within
My eye teeth are lengthening
Just please oh please

Get me my caffeine, and not too lean
Let me have a cup or you know that I'll turn kinda mean
It's bloodshed time if I don't get my midnight black Klatchi'n
So give me my caffeine
Why won't you get me my caffeine

*

What You Need

(Doves:) Come, don't run away, don't you like me, boy?
(Faith:) Why don't you come and play
I promise I am a nice soft toy
(Jackrum:) They insisted that their first pay
Should be well used to buy their first lay
So what do you say? Entertain us a while?

(Grace:) I'm the hottest thing (Comfort:) I'm the twist and shout
(Prudence:) When you got the itch, we just let it all hang out
(Faith:) You call us and we'll come running
For just your pay you'll get a right good loving
(Mrs Smother, on seeing the money:) Now we're partying, that's what it's all about

(Grace:) Cause I know what you need boy
(Comfort:) I know just what you need boy

(Prudence:) All this warfare, it will wear you down
You need to rest a while, you need to lose that frown
(Jackrum:) Here's the pay, now see to them, ladies
(Shufti:) (whispering) Please don't leave me with these sinful Sadies
(Jackrum:) Remember little lads, just grab every gown

(Grace:) You will be fine, I swear we'll be kind
How would you like to begin?
(Polly:) Perhaps if you two could pretend to be blind?
(Prudence:) Oh but that would be a sin!
Cause I know what you need boy
(Shufti:) That's not fair, please not there, oh my god, wait a minute
(Comfort:) I'll make it fair, boy
(Polly:) But you four, what's it for, hooking up, what is in it?
(Grace:) I can go and come when it's pleasing and husbands hardly give you one good shilling
(Polly:) Well that's great, but we're late, so please let me undress her
(Prudence:) That's my boy, I knew you would come 'round, soon we'll get to hear your big horn sound
(Shufti:) Just you two, you get nude, then I'll loosen my trousers

(Jackrum:) (leading Mrs Smother away) Now we're partying
That's what it's all about

*

It's My Fault

(Polly:) We were ready, we were positive
We all decided to come here and give
All we had just to get what we have lived
For...

Didn't think that we'd end like this
Didn't think, and that's just why we miss
I'm not sorry that I gave the Duchess a kiss
But I...

I wish I had got us through this
Instead it's gone to hell
Wish I had Paul safe
And Shufti's boy as well
Wish we could go
But we're locked here in this cell
And it's my fault, this is so

(Tonker:) I don't seem to know when to fight
It's all the time or when the time's not right
So I just got us captured good and tight
And I...

I wish I could be of use here
Find something to bash
Wish I could take it all back
Break this door in a flash
Wish we could go
Run away with a ton of cash
But that's a no go
It's my fault, I know

*

Wish We Could Go

(Wazzer:) I have heard my call
Duchess be with me
Duchess please take over me
I know I'm growing small
Melting into you
Dying to be part of you
You made me believe
(Igorina:) She isn't breathing well at all
(Igorina & Wazzer:) Her/My heartbeat's dropping and will fall
So we all know

(Igorina:) She will not last the night now, soon she'll be deceased
(Wazzer:) She will not wait because she needs me now and I will not waver
(Igorina:) She will not stand again, so we better find a priest
(Wazzer:) I can entrust my life to you and so I will wait before we go (Igorina: Wish we could go)
(Both:) Wish we could go
Wish we could go
Wish we could go
Wish we could go

*

We Built Up a Fire

(Lofty:) I saw the fire eating wood
I saw it opening our way
Burst like a flower
The flames the stone devoured
But still we're locked away

(Igorina:) Soon through the curtain she will be
She'll make her way across the shroud
(Tonker:) We saved the day
That's all that I can say
I'll shout it out loud

(Polly:) So we did build up a fire
Then what else could we do?
We did build up a fire
So maybe --

(Blouse:) These girls are soldiers through and through
If only I had led them well
Maybe then
I could've saved my men
For them I'd turn rebel

So they did build up a fire
And let all prisoners out
They have started this fire
And saved us

(Polly:) Heroism, who would think it
All comes down to choice of blanket
Whether it was once blue or pink
Breaking out is pointless now
We're bound by our soldier's vow
We can't fight our own, I don't think

(All:) We saw it through and won the fortress back too
And we did build up a fire

(Tonker:) So this is how they reward us
Shutting us in this damn pen (Shufti: Why think about)
(Lofty:) The fire burned
(Polly:) See how the world has turned (Shufti: A sad tomorrow)
Upside down again

(Shufti:) I just wanted back my lover (Wazzer: Soon through the curtain she will come)
(Polly:) I just came for my poor brother
(Tonker:) We're here cause we had no other chance (Polly: Answer all my questions)
(Igorina:) All I wanted was a good start
(Shufti:) Does no-one out there have a heart
(Polly:) I hear them sing and dance (Lofty: It only takes one spark)

(Shufti:) This is the muck, this way we know we're out of luck (Blouse: They are girls it's true)
(All:) And yes we did start this fire
(Polly:) We are why our side has won
And yes we did start this fire
And now we'll
(All:) Burn
Now we'll burn
Now we'll burn
Now we'll burn

(Clogston, entering:) Showtime!

*

Little Lads

(Jackrum, to the court:) Little lads, I have known you long
And you have come along
You grew up big and strong
I knew you when you just started out
Froc, old friend, don't doubt
I'm afraid to act the lout

All of you, my boys
Generals, your choice
Cumabund, Derbi
Now what will it be?
I know you all

Can you condemn these girls?
Do you dare in this harsh world
To take on me
To defy me

Am I lying, Janet?
Tell the truth now, Mildred

Little lads, I know you all too well
I know you lads can tell
I could put you all through hell
So my friends, this is my last stand
I hope you understand
I hold you in my hand

Fourteen miles, Mildred
There's a lot you said
Could say we bonded
Look where you've landed
Big man, big head

Now these girls deserve
Honour for how they have served
Or then the curve
Will check your nerve

(Wazzer/Duchess:) They took my kiss
Same as you all
They answered my call
Came to this
And now I demand
Turn out your hand
Please understand
Surrender
I want you to surrender

Thus soldiers all I command you!
You're soldiers all

(Froc:) I danced with you
(Duchess:) One night in june
When there wasn't a moon
(Froc:) My Duchess
(Duchess:) They did my will
And so if you still
Would treat them ill
You're banished
(Froc:) My doubt has vanished
Duchess, I'll remember

(Clogston:) I guess the court rules in your favour.

*

Bit of News (What You Need Reprise)

(Vimes:) Now the deal is done, you girls have done real well
But what you have begun, that we can't yet really tell
Ankh-Morpork is happy as long as
A noble prince is checked by just a wee lass
That's a good one, that's the bit of news that sells

*

The New Day's a Great Big Fish

(Blouse:) Where do we go from here?
Do I still have a career?
(Clogston:) The battle's done, and we kinda won
So we sound our victory cheer
Where do we go for a beer?

(Mal:) I want to make this clear
I'm a girl too, I fear
(Polly:) That's good dear, but what's that I hear?
I could have a bath at last
Real soap? Please show me where and fast!

(Jade:) Where does my boyfriend lurk? (Troll: Right here!)
(Shufti:) Where's my sixpence, you jerk?
(Lofty:) Give me a map back to Munz and then
I will burn the house of work
(Blouse:) I'll never again be a clerk

Polly: Sarge.
Jackrum: Well done, Perks. Want a bit of pork dripping? Delicious.
Polly: That's okay.
Jackrum: Soon as they work out the kinks there'll probably be a parade. White horses all the way to the capital, if we don't eat them first.
Polly: Your locket...
Jackrum: You've guessed, haven't you.

(Speed ahead to next spring...)

(Polly:) I'm a soldier through and through
(Maladicta:) I'm back
(Polly:) And I am glad to see you too
(Maladicta:) Thought I'd try again
(Polly:) We were a joke
(Maladicta:) I couldn't wear a gown
(Polly:) That I'll turn upside down

(Both:) The new day's a great big fish!