Chapter Text
"Sebastian, just wait! Please."
He could hear Alex's voice behind him, but he didn't dare to turn around. How could he ever face him after that? Sebastian was already on edge being home. Alex Mullner just always had to complicate things. Sebastian simply wanted a chance to take a breath, to get away from Demetrius's constant lectures and his mother's unreasonable crowding. He's only been home for a single day.
Sebastian's head was spinning as he made his way from the pier to the mountains. He made it home, ignoring the concerned look on his mother's face as he quickly bolted down the basement stairs to his room. He flopped onto his bed, not even bothering to kick off his shoes. He threw an arm over his eyes as memories flooded him. Memories that seemed to do nothing but prove where he went wrong and why this even happened to began with.
No one knew of Sebastian's sexuality except Sam, his best friend. Sebastian has known since high school who he truly was, but back then, he never let himself be free. Especially since the others from his small town went to school with him. He really didn't need everyone in town to know his business.
College was a completely different story. In college, Sebastian let himself explore the part of himself he kept hidden. He let himself be free. Random hookups and not-so-innocently texting the guys who found him hot weren't exactly what he thought he'd do with his newfound freedom, but who was going to stop him?
Sebastian squeezed his eyes shut, but it didn’t help. If anything, it made it worse. Because the second the darkness settled in, it all came rushing back. The noise. The lights. The heat of too many bodies packed into one place. The feeling of finally, just finally not being the quiet, weird kid from a tiny town. The night everything started to unravel before he even had a chance to realize.
~
The bass thumped through Sebastian’s chest before he even stepped fully inside the house. It was loud, obnoxiously loud, but in a way that felt… freeing. Someone had already shoved a red plastic cup into his hand. He didn’t even remember who. Not like he would truly care about that detail. The place smelled like cheap beer, cologne, and something vaguely burnt. Bodies moved everywhere, laughing, shouting, dancing as if nothing mattered.
Sebastian hovered near the wall for a second, fingers tightening around the cup. This wasn’t his scene. Not really. But that was kind of the point, wasn’t it? College meant no one knew him. No one expected anything from him. No one was watching him like he was some puzzle piece that didn’t quite fit. He could observe as much and as long as he needed. He exhaled slowly and took a sip.
“First frat party?”
Sebastian turned at the voice, caught off guard. The guy standing next to him looked almost relaxed in a way. That was the first thing Sebastian noticed. Like he belonged here in a way Sebastian couldn’t quite fake yet. Dark hair, a little messy. A half-smirk that suggested he found everything mildly amusing.
“Is it that obvious?” Sebastian asked, raising an eyebrow.
“A little,” The guy said, glancing at his untouched drink. “You’re doing the ‘stand by the wall and act invisible’ thing.”
Sebastian huffed out a laugh. "Well, obviously, the invisible thing isn't working out too well for me."
"Nope." The guy held out his hand. "I'm Jayden."
Sebastian hesitated for half a second before shaking it. “Sebastian.”
Jayden’s grip was warm, confident, but not overbearing. He didn’t let go immediately either, not in a weird way, just… a second longer than necessary. Sebastian noticed. And apparently, so did Jayden, judging by the slight curve of his mouth when he finally pulled away.
“So, Sebastian,” Jayden said, leaning one shoulder casually against the wall, “What dragged you here?”
Sebastian shrugged, glancing out at the crowd that had somehow gotten even more chaotic. “Curiosity. Bad decisions. A friend dared me, technically.”
Jayden snorted. “Yeah, classic.”
“What about you?” Sebastian asked.
Jayden tilted his cup slightly. “Same party, different level of regret.”
Sebastian smiled, genuinely this time.
It was easy. Talking to him. Easier than Sebastian expected. They fell into conversation as if they’d done it a hundred times before. Music, classes, terrible professors, the weirdness of dorm life, and how the walls seemed to be paper thin. Jayden had this way of talking, teasing without being mean, paying attention without making it feel intense. And then, gradually, the conversation shifted. It wasn’t sudden. Just subtle.
“You always this quiet?” Jayden asked at one point, studying him.
Sebastian shrugged. “Depends who I’m around.”
“And right now?”
Sebastian met his gaze, something flickering in his chest. “I’m deciding.”
Jayden smiled, his tone lowering just slightly. “Dangerous answer.”
“Why?”
“Because now I’m curious which way you’re gonna go.”
Sebastian took a small step closer without really thinking about it. The noise around them blurred a little.
“Maybe I like keeping people guessing.”
Jayden’s eyes flicked down, briefly, to Sebastian’s lips before coming back up.
“Yeah,” he said softly. “I’m getting that.”
There it was. That shift. That moment where something unspoken settled between them, clear as anything. Sebastian’s heart picked up, but not in a panicked way. In a way that felt electric. A feeling he never gave himself a chance to feel. It was new. Free.
Jayden leaned in just slightly, close enough that Sebastian could hear him without the music.
“So,” Jayden murmured, “are you actually gonna drink that, or is it just a prop?”
Sebastian glanced at the cup in his hand, then back at him. “Depends.”
“On?”
“Whether you’re worth staying for.”
Jayden laughed under his breath. “Wow. No pressure or anything.”
Sebastian gave a faint, teasing smile. “You started it.”
Jayden tilted his head, studying him again, more openly this time.
“I think I’m doing okay so far,” he said.
“Maybe,” Sebastian said, though he didn’t move away.
If anything, he leaned in just a fraction more. And for a moment, it felt like the entire party narrowed down to just the two of them. They slowly moved into each other more and more until they could feel each other's breath on their faces.
Sebastian wasn't entirely sure when their lips met, but god was it good. He's never been kissed like this before, with so much want, and he could see himself easily becoming addicted to it. He ended up with his back against the wall, and Jayden's hands quickly made their way to grip his waist. He couldn't remember when Jayden even put his drink down, but he soon realized his was missing from his hand, too.
When Jayden pulled away, Sebastian realized he was gripping tightly onto his shirt. Before he could even muster out a word or even lean in to steal another kiss, he froze. He heard the voice before he registered the face.
There, laughing among a small group, a group of people who looked like they belonged, was none other than Alex Mullner. Of all the people he could have seen in a place like this. It just had to be him. He turned his head slightly, and their eyes met. He could see Alex freeze, and that simple reaction made him realize he was still gripping tightly onto Jayden's shirt. All of a sudden, the noise came rushing back in full force
Jayden followed his gaze. “You know him?”
Sebastian exhaled slowly, dragging a hand through his hair. “Yeah.”
“Good ‘yeah’ or bad ‘yeah’?”
“…complicated ‘yeah.’”
Sebastian’s stomach twisted. This was exactly what he didn’t want. A piece of home, dropped right into the one place he was supposed to be free. How could he forget the detail of Alex going to the same college as him?
Jayden glanced between them, clearly picking up on the shift. “You want me to disappear?”
Sebastian hesitated. Part of him did. It would be easier. Less messy. But another part of him, the part that had walked into this party in the first place, pushed back.
“No,” Sebastian said quietly. “Stay.”
Jayden raised an eyebrow but nodded. “Alright.”
Throughout the night, Sebastian locked eyes with Alex multiple times. It was becoming too much and all at once. He couldn’t get a read, yet he was filled to the brim with anxiety. This was supposed to be his chance to find that freedom he’s been craving.
No. He wasn’t going to let Alex Mullner of all people ruin something he’s always wanted. Jayden was right in front of him, more than willing to help him in the right direction.
Sebastian drove into the distraction headfirst, and Jayden was there to ease him in every direction. Sebastian let himself be consumed with the mouth, the hands, and the warmth of the man in front of him. He knew he was still being watched, but kept telling himself he didn’t care or that he shouldn’t.
And that’s what he continued to tell himself at every party, and every alcoholic event he could get into. Even if he didn’t truly believe his own words, it was easy to distract himself with someone whom he wouldn’t even bother to remember the name of. Each time someone knew, and each time, Alex was always there. Sebastian could always feel his gaze and feel the anxiety course through him each time their eyes met.
The memory refused to stop there. It never did. Because the party hadn’t been the end of it, it had only been the beginning.
At first, Sebastian told himself it didn’t matter.
So what if Alex had seen him? So what if their eyes had locked across a crowded room while Sebastian had someone else’s hands on him, someone else’s mouth still lingering against his lips? College was supposed to be different. It was different. No one here knew him. No one here cared.
Except Alex did know him.
That was the problem. Alex knew him, and yet he didn’t look away.
Most people would have. Most people, if they accidentally stumbled into something that wasn’t meant for them, would’ve had the decency to pretend they hadn’t seen it. To turn their head, to laugh it off, to go back to their own conversation like nothing had happened.
Alex didn’t. He looked, like really looked.
At first, it had just been shock. Sebastian had seen it clear as day, even across the dim lights and moving bodies. The way Alex’s easy, confident expression had faltered. The way his posture had stiffened, like he didn’t quite know what to do with what he was seeing.
It wasn't disgust, not even judgment. Something quieter, something heavier. And that, more than anything, had unsettled Sebastian. Because he knew how to deal with disgust. He knew how to deal with whispers, with side-eyes, with people deciding things about him without saying it out loud. He’d spent most of his life bracing for that.
But this? This strange, unreadable intensity in Alex’s gaze? He had no idea what to do with that. So he did the only thing he could do. He ignored it. Or at least, he tried to; he told himself he could.
And for a while, he almost believed it.
College moved fast. Faster than anything in Pelican Town ever had. Days blurred into classes he half-paid attention to, nights into music and bodies and dim lighting where no one asked too many questions. It was easy to disappear into it, to become someone a little looser, a little less guarded. Or at least, that’s what he tried to be.
Because no matter how many times he told himself Alex didn’t matter here, he kept noticing him.
It wasn’t even intentional at first. Just small things. A familiar laugh cutting through the noise of a crowded room. The way people seemed to gravitate toward him without effort, like he carried some kind of natural gravity, Sebastian couldn’t understand. And every single time, without fail, Alex noticed him too.
Sebastian would be in the middle of something, talking, laughing, letting someone’s hand linger a little too long on his arm, and he’d feel it. That prickle at the back of his neck. That instinct that told him he was being watched.
And when he looked, there Alex would be. Not always close. Sometimes across the room, half-turned in conversation with someone else. Sometimes leaning against a wall, red cup in hand, looking like he belonged there in a way Sebastian still felt like he was faking. But his eyes would always find Sebastian.
If Alex had looked disgusted, Sebastian could’ve handled that. If he’d laughed, or whispered to someone next to him, or made it into a joke, Sebastian knew how to shut that down. He knew how to build walls against that kind of thing. But Alex didn’t do any of that. He just… watched.
Not constantly. Not in a way that would make anyone else notice. But enough. Enough that Sebastian started to feel it even when he couldn’t see him. It got under his skin. It made everything feel sharper. Louder. Harder to ignore.
So Sebastian did what he’d been doing since the night of that first party. He leaned harder into the distractions. More parties. More strangers. More moments where he didn’t have to think about anything beyond the here and now. It wasn’t about the people, not really. It was about the feeling. The freedom. The way he could lose himself in it for a little while.
And if Alex saw? Fine. Let him. That’s what Sebastian told himself, anyway.
Of course, it didn’t really work though. The breaking point came on a night that wasn’t supposed to be anything special. No big event. No crowded frat house packed shoulder to shoulder. Just a smaller party, tucked into an off-campus house where the music wasn’t quite as deafening and people actually had space to breathe.
Sebastian almost didn’t go. He had a project due. Sam had texted him about a new game they wanted to try over voice chat. It would’ve been easy to stay in, to slip back into something familiar. But something restless had been sitting in his chest all day, and he didn’t want to be alone with it.
He told himself it didn’t matter whether Alex would be there, that he wasn’t thinking about that at all. He was lying. Of course he was there.
Sebastian spotted him within minutes, standing in the kitchen this time, talking to a couple of guys Sebastian vaguely recognized from one of his classes. He looked relaxed, comfortable, like this was just another night for him.
Sebastian grabbed a drink he didn’t really want and hovered near the living room doorway, debating whether to stay or just leave before things got complicated.
“Still doing the wall thing, huh?”
Sebastian turned, startled despite himself.
Jayden, of course. He hadn’t seen him in a few weeks, but the familiarity of his half-smirk hit just as easily as it had that first night.
“Guess I’m consistent,” Sebastian said, recovering quickly.
Jayden’s eyes flicked over him, amused. “You’re a little less subtle about it now.”
Sebastian huffed. “Yeah? And what does that mean?”
“It means,” Jayden said, stepping a little closer, “you don’t actually look like you want to disappear anymore.”
Sebastian hesitated, because that wasn’t entirely wrong. Life was just complicated.
“I never wanted to disappear,” he said finally.
Jayden tilted his head. “Could’ve fooled me the first time.”
“People change.”
“Do they?”
Sebastian met his gaze, something sharper settling in his chest. “Yeah. They do.”
For a second, neither of them said anything.
Then Jayden smiled, softer this time. “Good. I liked you then, but I think I like you better now.”
Sebastian rolled his eyes lightly, but he felt the warmth of it anyway. “You say that to everyone?”
“Nope.” Jayden’s voice dipped just slightly. “Just the ones worth saying it to.”
It was easy, slipping back into it, too easy. Conversation flowed like it always had between them, picking up right where it left off. Teasing, light, just enough edge to keep it interesting. Jayden leaned in close when he talked, like the space between them didn’t exist unless Sebastian actively pushed it there.
He let it happen. He let himself relax into it, into the warmth and the familiarity and the distraction he’d been chasing for weeks now. But even as he laughed at something Jayden said, even as he felt that same spark flicker to life again, he was aware. Of the kitchen, of the line of sight, of the fact that if he turned his head just slightly, he’d see him.
Sebastian didn’t want to look. So of course, he did. Alex was watching, like he always did. Not pretending not to, not half-looking away. Just… watching. And something in Sebastian snapped. Not loudly. Not all at once. Just a quiet, sharp shift. Because suddenly, it didn’t feel like background noise anymore. It felt personal.
“Hey,” Jayden said, noticing the change immediately. “You good?”
Sebastian didn’t answer right away. His eyes were still locked across the room. Still caught.
“Yeah,” he said finally, though it came out a little too tight. “Yeah, I’m good.”
Jayden followed his gaze this time.
And understanding clicked almost instantly.
“Oh,” he said softly. “It’s him again.”
Sebastian exhaled sharply. “Yeah.”
Jayden was quiet for a moment, then, “You gonna tell me what the deal is there?”
Sebastian hesitated because how did he even explain it? How could he explain something he wasn't even sure he knew himself?
“He’s from my hometown,” he said eventually. “We grew up around the same people. Same… everything.”
Jayden nodded slowly. “And?”
“And he’s not supposed to be part of this,” Sebastian said, more sharply than he meant to. “This was supposed to be—” He cut himself off, frustrated.
“Different?” Jayden offered.
Sebastian laughed, but there was no humor in it. “Yeah. Something like that.”
Jayden glanced back toward the kitchen, then at Sebastian again. “You know he hasn’t looked away, right?”
“I know,” Sebastian said, jaw tightening.
“And you hate that.”
“I don’t—” Sebastian stopped, exhaling. “I don’t know what I hate.”
Jayden studied him for a second longer, then nodded like he’d come to a decision.
“Alright,” he said simply.
And then, before Sebastian could ask what that meant, Jayden closed the distance between them. It wasn't rushed or aggressive, just deliberate. His hand found Sebastian’s wrist first, grounding, giving him just enough time to pull away if he wanted to. Sebastian didn’t, so Jayden leaned in.
The kiss wasn’t as surprising as the first one had been, but it felt different. Because this time, Sebastian was aware of everything. The room, the noise, the weight of being seen. And he didn’t pull back. If anything, he leaned into it. Let himself feel it fully, without holding anything back.
Jayden’s hand slid from his wrist to his side, steady, warm. Sebastian’s fingers curled lightly into the fabric of his shirt, anchoring himself there for just a second longer than necessary. And for a moment, he didn’t think about Alex at all.
But moments don’t last. When they pulled apart, Sebastian didn’t mean to look but he did because for some reason he knew he would and Alex was still there and still watching. Only this time, there was something else in his expression, something tighter, something harder to ignore.
And suddenly, Sebastian was done. He didn’t say anything, didn’t explain. He just stepped back.
Jayden blinked, caught off guard. “Sebastian—?”
“I need some air,” Sebastian said quickly, already turning away. He walked out and didn't turn back.
~
He snapped right before having to come home for winter break. The last time he saw Alex was at that party. He knew Alex would come home too, but he didn't think he'd see him right away. Sebastian thought he had more time to think before having to face him. He didn't expect to see him on the pier when all he wanted was a moment to breathe and he didn't expect Alex to say something that made him want to run.
Sebastian's phone started buzzing in his pocket nonstop and that seemed to finally shake him from the memories that made everything complicated. He noticed some messages from Alex but ignored them, letting his mind play over the other notifications that guaranteed a distraction. One in particular was from a guy he would sext with often. That was something he could work with.
Sebastian was quick to start up the flirty text, his eyes struggling badly not to look at the notifications that he knew were from Alex. He needed to up the distraction, maybe send a photo to push thing where he needed. He stripped to just his boxers, positioned himself at an angle where he knew he looked good before taking the picture. Sebastian looked it over to make sure it was good before he sent it to his most recent conversation.
The realization didn't hit right away. Not until a new message from Alex popped up and this time he read it.
You pretty much reject me on the beach but still decide to send me a nude?