You found out the truth about human sex when on your wedding night the human Colonel Sassacre he patiently explained it to you. That human males put that thing that looked like a bone bulge but most assurdely wasn't into the human female thing that looked like a seedflap but was instead some special orifice. The male used the female as a pail and from this a tiny human was implanted in her body. She would have to keep it inside her body for nine whole Earth months, almost an entire Earth year, until it was expelled from the same small orifice it came from. It was the most shocking thing you had heard about humans yet. It wasn't that you had never heard of this type of reproduction. There were creatures of that type of Alternia, though you had forgotten the taxonomy, and you must have conquered a million or so like them on other planets. However, you thought humans were different since they looked so similar to trolls. You assumed the humans had stashed away a Mother Grub of their own. You had no interest in seeing the humans' version after being forced to visit your Mother Grub thousands of times and act like it was an honor to be near a giant multi-orificed egg-shitting worm. In any case, you left reproduction to scienstiffs and cavern attendants. You'd never been that close to alien sex until now.
After telling you this, your new husband said that even if though there was no chance that their mating would bear fruit, perhaps it would be enjoyable anyway. Again, you were shocked by the humans. Trolls only had sex for reproduction. Otherwise, why would they do something so disgusting? That's why you made submitting pails a legal requirment since otherwise your subjects would just leave the duty to their fellow troll and where would the Empire be then? Some trolls did practice between spawnings and there were the rare perverts but otherwise trolls only had sex when needed. You turned your husband down flatly. He wisely never brought the subject up again.
You now noticed pregnant human females. You'd probably seen them before hundreds of times but assumed they were just fat. There weren't as many obviously pregnant women in the public spaces back in those more decorous decades but there were too many for you. You couldn't stand the sight of them. As the decades past, women started showing their swollen with spawn bellies and worse the people around them rubbed them as if they were good luck charms. For being stuck in this disgusting state was seen as a lucky thing, even a miracle as your favorite dead cult would call it. You didn't get it.
However, you would see your husband look at babies and give a lonely sigh. Though he didn't bring it up, you knew he wanted a Descendant of his own. He was too much of a gentleman worry you with it. You felt the slightest bit of pity for him, but not enough to actually do anything about it. Adoption was out because even if you didn't birth the little creatures you didn't want to be near them.
Decades past. Lucky for him, a meteor came with two babies, one male and one female. You had to adopt them. It was good PR at the very least. He named the spawn John and Jade since you had no interest in naming them. He put his energy into them as if they shared his genes. You didn't get it but you played along sometimes. You were surprised to find that when they got old enough to say "mama", you felt affection for them. Other than Sassacre, you hadn't had anyone worship you without the threat of death present. The spawn didn't have to love you but they did. You were their world. It was a great feeling of power you had never experienced before. You wouldn't say you loved them back but you felt attached to them. You were especially attached to the female one and taught her baking and business. Your husband died but you continued caring for the children.
That changed when the Jade human turned thirteen and came running to you with tears in her eyes and blood running down her legs. You took her to a human mediculler immediately. After examining her, he said it was just menstruation. You had heard that word before and you knew it meant a female had to fortify her underwear with padding but you didn't know it was because they expelled a substance almost exactly like blood. He explained menstruation to you in a patronizing tone and you could tell he probably thought you some sort of freak or idiot but was too professional to say it. This gross process tied into the grosser process of pregnancy. This act didn't just happen once but happened regularly for decades. Worst of all, this meant your adoptee could get pregnant at any time.
After that, she wasn't permitted to see any adult males and she was rarely granted the privilege of seeing you. John still lived free and with your affection until he started showing signs of virility. You kept him away from any female, even his adopted sister. Jade was ungrateful for the protection and wanted to go about freely even with the danger of pregnancy. By age fifteen, the brat embezelled enough money to escape and she did. She changed her last name to spite you and vanished for decades. John, as resentful as he was, waited it out until he was of majority and left. He cut ties with you but had enough respect for you to keep the name Crocker. His betrayal never hurt you as much as the female's did.
From then on, human children were out of your life. Yet at that point, you had less patience for pregnancy. You were not only disgusted by pregnancy but afraid of it. Your nightmares were all of you having an innocent handshake with a human male and his genetic material worming its way into you until your belly swelled with this stranger's spawn. When you would wake, you knew this was impossible but you couldn't get the idea out of your mind. You were already in the habit of wearing gloves, being that you were a fashionable lady, but now you wore them constantly. Even after gloves became unfashionable, you continued to wear them. You eventually switched to surgical gloves. Your excuse was that you were afraid to get sick and while humans looked askew when you said it, it wasn't as bad as saying you were afraid to get pregnant. At first you simply didn't touch males, but then you heard there were some females that secretly had the power to impregnate and you couldn't risk it. In any case, you had to become a recluse since you didn't look your human age.
After two decades, your adopted spawn suddenly came into the light. John could be ignored but Jade was a threat to you. She created a rival business and brandished that evil last name. Luckily, she had not given into pregnancy. You had imparted that much. Yet in 1996, a suspiciously similar spawn came to her on a strangely coincidental meteor. Your Jade adopted the ridiculous title of Grandma. She didn't get to raise the brat long. Though she thought she could hide on an island in the Pacific, you tracked her down and killed her. The poetic way to do it would have been to execute her with your 2x3dent but you couldn't bear the idea of seeing blood drip down her legs again. You decided a ray gun was just as poetic. You could have then hunted down her beloved son then but that would mean coming face to face with a spawn. Instead, you left him to die on his own in the jungle.
From John's side of the family came a spawn named Jane. You bypassed a generation to bestow on her the privilege of being your Heiress. She was a much better daughter than Jade. The poor fool didn't know you existed as a real person. When she got fertile, you terrorized her into staying home.
Meanwhile, you had gained control over the media. You realized that even though your psychic powers didn't work on humans, you could use subliminal messages. You used this ability not just to make people follow you but to make them stop reproducing. Then you slowly started making them not interested in any sex. By 2017, the average human preferred a night of binge-watching shows to having sex. Since you still needed the human race, you decided to produce more artificially. All it took was a quick cotton-swab. No one needed to get undressed. You could have stabbed yourself for not doing the same with your own species.
The humans still died by the masses. Eventually, you stopped caring and let them. You couldn't shake the fear that they'd pop up pregnant. You tried resurrecting your race but failed many times. It was a relief to have an empire of carapaces. Their bony surface held no genitals. The most they ever did was kiss.
Then came to Earth a human male and a human female. Though they lived hundreds of miles apart, separated by open ocean, you kept fearing they would met up. However, you couldn't kill them. You made their lives hell, but you let them live. Otherwise, they couldn't play the Game. The female you hated the most. The male seemed not to be interested in reproduction but the female had this lonely desperation that made you sick. If she had been born in another era, she would have become pregnant the minute she could. You wished the Rogue of Void wasn't so useful.
You thought your Heiress was above sex. Yet when you could control her, you found out how under her clean exterior she had dirty interior. You told her that she would reproduce with Jake and she believed that would mean sex instead of cloning. She was positively gleeful at the idea of taking Jake's body. To the pathetic Page's credit, he found this disgusting. You planned on explaining to Jane later what you meant, but then she betrayed you.
Your collision was epic. You were for once too angry to care about touching humans. After a long time, you had your filthy disappointing so-called heiress in your hand. Again, you refused to spear a Crocker female. You had other plans.
Then, you were stabbed. You don't know by whom. You just looked down and saw fuchsia liquid. It wasn't the red menses that your Jade had dripping down her legs eons ago but in your shock you thought that you had finally caught that human disease. You were finally human fertile. And on this last delusion, after millennia of delusions, you mercifully died.