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The selfie affair

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The plan was simple. Sneak into refresher. Make it hard. Snap a picture of it. Send it anonymously to the resident Sith Lord. Return to the bridge after necessary stress relief and pretend that nothing happened, while expecting fun after shift in high oxygen environment. Captain Firmus Piett executed his plan perfectly, however, a certain step suffered unexpected complications. ImpAnonymousSnapChat application was glitching and his selfie made it to the galaxy and consequences were rather unexpected. The famous selfie from a certain angle became the source of wild speculations and legends among imperials and rebels alike. The only consolation was that only two people knew identity of the sender. Unfortunately, one of them was his nephew.


The excerpts from personal logs and official documents


Captain Sarkli Naval Intelligence (Piett’s nephew and a damn good spy):

  • Official log: The sender of dubious picture remained anonymous despite collective efforts of uncovering the loathsome pervert.
  • Personal log: Uncle shags the Sith and shaves. Size runs in family.


Admiral Kendal Ozzel (CO of the Death Squadron and well-known dick):

  • Official log: Whomever sent the indiscreet and offending photo of reproductive part of anatomy will be severely punished and shipped to a prison barge as cargo heading to the spice mines.
  • Personal log: That thing is a choking hazard. I will personally shoot that bastard.


Captain Lorth  Needa (CO of ISD Avenger, said to sleep with everything without particular preference for gender or species):

  • Official log: ISD Avenger holonet forum has now special section for posting intimate selfies. All personnel are discouraged from sending potentially offensive and not safe for work pictures via comlink.
  • Personal log: Must bang. Wait, I remember that “THING” from hmmm it was one hell of a party, could not sit for a week, but too drunk to remember identity of that man. Setting trap on Vengies forum and waiting.


General Maximilian Veers (CO of the SSD Executor’s ground forces, widower and family man liked by everybody except rebels and admiral Ozzel)

  • Official log: All personnel do not join Navy provocation no matter how big it is.
  • Personal log: To the anonymous sender “ I saw your dick pic and thought there goes last thread of my heterosexuality.”


Darth Vader (true commander of the Death Squadron, resident Sith lord of SSD Executor, fearsome dark presence which happens to date maker of the “that” selfie)

  • Official log not available. Lord Vader was above such things.
  • Personal log: I will deal with my little captain according old naval tradition - leash. However I suspect that he will like it, which will lead to another naval tradition and it won't be rum for sure. He shaved, that is cute.


Rebel base - The Hoth system


Rebel tech: The only thing we got from the probe droid before it self-destruct is this. We are trying to extract hidden pieces of code from it.


The holo of the selfie from a specific angle was showed to the rebel’s high command. The reactions were mixed.


Commander Han Solo: Look at the size of this thing!


Princess Leia Organa: Another show of Empire oppression and its statement is clear. The rule of terror!


Chewbaca ran to hide


Commander Luke Skywalker: Ben, why did you not tell me about that?


The rebel tech later wrote in his memoirs that it was just dick pic of some Imperial officer who put clear message to the rebellion about the results of the Battle of Hoth.


Hero of the New Republic  Zevulon Veers denied that it was selfies of his father, General Maximilian Veers, despite the almost correct size, which of course ran in the family. Plus, Veerses did not shave.