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I Don't Want To Think About You Anymore

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I don’t want to think about you anymore.

But I still remember what it was like. I remember that day clearly, more clearly than I remember anything else in my life. The memories still cling to me like a film I can’t wash away, every night when I try to sleep. Every single detail stands out in my mind, vivid as though I’d only experienced it seconds ago.

Watching you put it on robbed the very breath from my lungs. I did not feel worthy of being gifted with such a vision, and it touched my very core that you allowed me that privilege.

"This world belongs to Life Fibers,” that’s what you said. "You cannot stop the advent of the Starseed Coccoon Sphere.”

Your words sent electricity arcing up my spine.”Behold! Life Fiber Domination: Shinra-Kōketsu!”

I allowed myself to shed a tear. We stood upon the precipice of victory.

Harime spoke to me, “Time for the finishing touches, Hōōmaru.”

These were the last words I ever heard either of you speak.

I think my heart stopped beating during the span between hearing her words and when I responded.

I was ready.

It scarcely took a second, but every instant is frozen in my mind. The sensation of the Life Fibers as they encircled my body, it was like nothing I had experienced before. It was exquisite. I felt impossibly safe, I felt needed. More than that, I felt wanted. I felt wanted. By you.

The sky overhead was a rich Prussian blue as it slid by my stare. It’s funny, I don’t remember ever really looking at it before that moment. I look at it every day now.

I had expected the touch to burn, but it did not. My back was against you as I looked out over the crowd, but I felt that I had never seen you more clearly than in that moment.

Through the cloth, I felt the power of your pulse, stronger than any sensation I’d experienced prior, it was so loud and calming. It thundered against my spinal vertebrae, my shoulder blades, into my skull, until it was the only thing to fill my entire existence.

I was safe there. I never wanted anything else in that filthy world.

The warmth of your life was all-encompassing, and as I sensed your gaze upon me I mistook it for pride. There was only vindication there, I know this now, but for a moment, I thought that you were actually proud of my part in this. I certainly was. The honor of being the engine for Harime’s ultimate creation, the perfect outfit that would allow us to achieve our goals, was something beyond words, beyond my capacity to describe, something I never deserved to even dream about.

If I had never again seen the light of day I wouldn’t have minded.

It was the single greatest moment of my life, the culmination of everything I had ever dedicated myself to.

I was groomed to this end, and I was finally fulfilling my purpose.

And now it is gone, and I hate you for it.