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Maidens and Stags

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Chapter 1 by ikkiM


Brienne lugged her suitcase to the waiting SUV, before climbing inside. She wondered how she had been talked into this. Her good friends, Sansa and Margaery had insisted that she audition with them for the “reality” show Maidens and Stags. While her friends were addicted to the show, even participating in discussion boards about it, Brienne had watched it once and found it ridiculous.

The set up was that a group of young, attractive, singles were taken to a remote resort where they would live together for thirty days. Every few days, there would be a coupling ceremony in which either the men or the women would choose mates by giving them personal tokens that symbolized their relationships, usually roses or stuffed toys. Anyone left unchosen would leave the resort and new guests were always being added. The apparent goal was to find “true love” and become engaged by the end of the thirty days. Brienne had snorted at the idea. As if people could fall in love in such a short time while having their every movement filmed.

When the three of them had auditioned, Brienne had been convinced she would not pass and that it was unlikely three friends would be chosen. Somehow, against all odds, they had been. Maybe it wasn’t completely against the odds. Margaery’s brother was in charge of casting. Still, Brienne knew what she looked like. No way would she fit in with the bikini-clad female contestants and the generally gorgeous, if dimwitted, men usually casted.

Still, Margaery had ensured Brienne that if she were sent off early, she would end up with a free vacation at another resort, free of cameras. Brienne could already tell she was going to hate the three days she’d be here before the first coupling ceremony. She had been split from her friends. They each had to arrive in a separate SUV and pretend they had not traveled to the Summer Isles together. 

As the car slowed down, she jammed the straw hat on her head, knowing that even ten minutes in direct sunlight would cause her to burn. She exited the car, ready to meet her fellow maidens and stags.

Jaime Lannister was annoyed already. He was definitely five, if not ten years older than the other contestants. And most of them were half drunk already. He looked over at his brother, who was fully drunk. Not that most people could tell. Tyrion held his liquor well. Jaime had no idea how he’d ended up on a reality show of all things. And a reality show with the goal of falling in love. Tyrion had said this was a perfect way to advertise their start up company. Jaime disagreed. He snorted again before looking over at the other contestants. He assessed each one.

One the male side, aside from himself and Tyrion, there were eight other men. A dark-haired broody guy named Jon, a red-head named Robb, a thin, reedy, frightened looking man called Theon, a psychotic looking hobbity guy called Ramsay, a sleazebag who was oiling his way around the room called Daario, a guy Jaime was certain was gay called Renly, a smarmy looking guy called Ron and an blandly attractive, innocuous guy whose name Jaime thought was Hyle. Gods, they were all fucking awful.

The women, at least the eight of them who had arrived, were at least pretty, though he had seen better. A dark-haired girl with a sly expression named Margaery, a pretty blue-eyed red-head named Sansa who might be the sister of one of the male contestants. Jaime tried not to think about that. Then there was an ethereal beauty with white blonde hair called Dany, a hard-drinking biker chick called Asha who again, seemed related to one of the male contestants, a girl who was already drunk who had tried to rub her boobs on him named Amy, an older woman who was fascinated with breasts called Lysa, a vaguely pretty small woman called Tysha and an exotic dark beauty called Missandei.

It was all weird and uncomfortable, but the alcohol was flowing. They were just waiting for the last woman to arrive. 

The SUV pulled up and the final contestant exited. At first Jaime thought it was another male, but then she took off her glasses and Jaime was confronted with the tallest, manliest, ugliest woman he had ever seen.



Chapter Text

Chapter 2 by Shareece


To say Brienne felt awkward and uncomfortable was an understatement. “Oh god.” She muttered to herself as she noticed most of the contestants were obviously drunk. She could already feel the many pairs of eyes on her as she exited the SUV. She pulled her luggage along with her, used to the stares and whispers. She quickly scanned the crowd for her two friends, hoping to catch a glimpse of Sansa’s fire red hair or Margery’s hot pink bikini. 

“I thought another woman was coming?” she heard someone comment. She gritted her teeth, turning her head to glare at the woman who insulted her and feeling pure satisfaction when the woman shrank back. She sighed as she spotted Sansa’s hair and moved to make a beeline for her friend, pausing in surprise as another camera was shoved into her face. 

“Brienne! Welcome to Maidens and Stags!” 

Gif by QuizzicalQuinnia


“Thank you” She murmured. 

“Are you ready to find your one true love?” 

She wanted to snort, but gave a mumbled ‘sure’. 

The cameraman sighed and moved onto someone more interesting. Brienne sighed in relief as Sansa sidled up beside her. 

“Brie!” She greeted with a tiny smile. “You made it. Isn’t it beautiful here?”

“It actually Is.” Brienne answered. “I’ll give you that.” 

Sansa nodded. “Wait until you see the guys.” She giggled and Brienne rolled her eyes. 

“You mean that odd fellow over there with all of the oil over his body is he the pick of the stags?” 

Sansa ignored her. “You know you don’t have to carry your own bags to your room right? Tormund can help you.” 

Brienne frowned. “Who?” Just as she said that, a tall meaty red headed fellow stopped in front of her. 

“This is Tormund.” Sansa said and Brienne shifted uncomfortably as all he did was stare at her. 

Brienne glanced at Sansa who started to giggle. “Tormund will help you with your bags.” 

Tormund blinked before he moved forward, grasping Brienne’s bags. He continued to stare at her, seemingly fascinated with Brienne in a way that had Brienne wanting to run away and hide. 


Jaime could keep his eyes off of the tall mannish woman and he watched with amusement as she clumsily made her way across the boardwalk. He has never seen anyone like her and he found himself moving closer to get another look. He tilted his head to the side, feeling his interest peaked for the first time since coming to this damned show. 

“Well,” Tyrion said. “Is that a-“ 

“Yes.” Jaime cut in, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “Perhaps I’ll be provided with some amusement after all.” 

Tyrion merely rolled his eyes as he held up a coconut. “You should really loosen up dear brother. These coconut drinks are quite interesting. Here take this one and I’ll grab me another.” 

Jaime took the offered drink and watched as Tyrion made his way back toward the bar. He was beginning to believe this had nothing to do with their start up. 



Chapter Text

Chapter 3 by Furious_Winter


Sansa asked in her soft, caring way, “Do you need a drink?” 

“No,” Brienne replied shortly. 

Her friend kept on, “Because you look like you need a drink.”

Brienne shook her head, scanning the group of ‘eligible’ bachelors again and wondering if any of them would take the slightest interest in her. The first three were hardly even men. Starting from the left, the one on the very end was alright-looking. He had northern features, but he was so short- nevermind that he was likely prettier than she. The man next to the pretty one was not much taller, and also a ginger. While he held an almost regal composure, she couldn’t help but take him for something of an idiot and wrote him off as one of the dumb ones. The next boy- man, she corrected herself- appeared almost nervous. Gaunt and bug-eyed, she genuinely wondered if he was addicted to meth. She glazed over the rest, making judgments that were surely less severe than the ones they’d make about her, until her eyes arrived at the last two who were whispering to one another, and her heart stopped. 

Oh gods, she realized, he’s the one. 

“I’m about to head to the bar.” Sansa asked once again, “Are you sure you don’t want anything?”

“Vodka,” she managed, transfixed. 

“Okay,” Sansa nodded. “What kind? A Bloody Mary? Cosmopolitan?” She searched for another. “Screwdriver?”

“Just vodka.” 

“Right.” Sansa blinked. “A shot? Or-”


Giving a confused grin, Sansa assured her, “I’ll be right back.”

Alone with her thoughts and a nagging camera that always seemed to be coming back to her like a mosquito that never got its fill, Brienne began to fully embrace her regret. It’s him, she reminded herself lest she had forgotten as she stared, he’s the reason I’m on this show.She’d never before believed in gods or fate or any kind of fairy tale, and this was no exception. Fuck me, the producers want me to get with the dwarf. 


“Go talk to her.”

“You go talk to her.”

“I’m afraid I’d strain my neck.”

“Then talk to her knees.”

“What if she takes offense?”

“Are you scared of her?”

“Aren’t you?”

No, Jaime wasn’t scared of her; perhaps intimidated, but only in a healthy way. “I just wouldn’t want her to get the wrong idea. Plus, the cameras would love it, don’t you think? The dwarf and the giant finding love?”

Tyrion seemed to ponder this for a moment before brushing it off. “Nonsense. Besides, she’s staring at you.”

Jaime stifled a laugh. “No, she’s not.”

“If she was looking at me she’d be looking down, even at this distance.” He grabbed a shot of bourbon from the bar behind them and downed it in a quick gulp. And then, with a smirk, he looked up to him and referenced the bullshit rumours that had plagued him throughout grade-school, “Don’t you think she bears a striking resemblance to our sister? Is that why you find her so fascinating?”

Jaime seethed, gripping his Jack & Coke. “She looks nothing like Cersei. Cersei is-” he stopped himself. Cersei was beautiful, but she was also a monster and he couldn’t bring himself to defend her. And while the monster across from them was surely hideous, he sensed something about her; something that he couldn’t quite delineate, but was nonetheless intriguing. “Fine.” He straightened his white-and-gold tux with his free hand. “I’ll go talk to her.” With that, he took the first step. 


Chapter Text

Chapter 4 by Sophie_Of_Tarth


He was walking towards her. The man with a body built for sin, and a face so beautiful she had to blink, once, twice, three times before she could get his image to focus properly.

She heard rather than saw him stop in front of her. 

There was a long pause as she continued to blink frantically, and then as the silence continued Brienne felt a flush start on her chest and crawl over her collarbone to swamp her face as she became aware of the fact he was studying her from the top of her stringy blonde topped head to the tip of her mansize feet.

“Got sand in your eyes? ” His voice was deep, fluid, and unexpectedly sexy, yet with a clear note of clever.

Who was he?

Ye gods. Brienne closed her eyes and tried to ignore the lurch in the area of her stomach that usually meant trouble, “If you want to talk to my friend she’s gone to get a drink from the bar.” She replied abruptly, clearing her throat with a cough as she finished her sentence, aware that huskiness had crept in that would give the kind of signals that would embarrass both of them.

“Your friend?”

Yes, my friend. Brienne sighed, resignation flattening out the unexpected lurch of something, disappointment maybe, that moved somewhere between her stomach and her heart. It’s always my friends men like you are interested in. Always. Meanwhile the producers will be expecting me to make awkward conversation with your friend.

As if on cue, the handsome short man at the bar raised his glass to her.

She could feel the cursed sweep of red start to spread over her cheeks yet again.

Puce, always a great colour to be seen in during introductions, Brienne thought bitterly.

“I can introduce you to her if you want,” She felt the words tumble out of her mouth before she could stop them, “you’ll like Sansa she really is… one of those girls that are… nice.”

Pathetic, Brienne groaned silently to herself. What was it about this man that left her fumbling for the right words within two minutes of meeting him?

His gasp of dry laughter made her start.

“You are really not the kind of woman I expected to meet on a programme like Maidens and Stags,” he observed mildly, his wildfire green gaze scanning her from head to toe once more.

The path of his eyes on her skin making it feel as if every cell had been marked by a laser.

“Why, what kind of women were you expecting?” Brienne snapped back, supremely uncomfortable at being subjected to such close study and already annoyed at whatever conclusion he had come to about her.

“Ones that have their eye on the prize,” the infernal man replied, “ones that are, camera ready maybe.”

Camera ready? 

“Like yourself maybe?” Brienne could see Sansa weaving her way back from the bar, side-stepping two assistant directors and almost cannoning into the director himself, Oberyn Martell, as she balanced an umbrella spiked drink in each hand. “I bet you consider yourself very camera ready,” she screwed up her courage into a hard knot in order to look him straight in the eye as she said, “if, maybe, a little old.”

Brienne stood her ground, heart racing. This was the kind of thing she was simply no good at. This kind of social warfare was just not her thing.

The god of good looks and no charm gave a twisted grin at her observation of his advanced years.

“Why are you here? Something to prove to yourself? Or maybe to someone else? Trying to discover if you actually like men? It’s no crime to prefer women.” He was suddenly sympathetic and it was almost her undoing, “Or is it that you don’t want daddy to find out?”

“No!” Brienne was indignant, floored by his assumption and that he had the front to voice it, “Of course not… I mean,” She scowled, taking a step back in an effort to regain her well-practiced poise. “I don’t have to explain myself to anyone, most of all you.”

“Ah,” he smirked, “A nerve. What is it? If not a woman, then maybe a man…maybe a man you can’t have? Maybe a man who doesn't even see you as a woman?"

“I don’t…”

“Maybe this is a way of showing him that you are a real woman?”


“Maybe you intimidate him, have you thought of that?” The sarcastic moue that accompanied his response should never have made him look even more attractive, “Maybe you need to make the first move, hold him down, show him…”

“There is no..! Of course I’ve… not that I haven’t ever, you know…” Brienne spluttered desperately.


“So you have done it?”

“No… I mean yes,” She glared at him furiously. What was it about this man? He was supposed to be as unsure as she was on a first meeting. Not tying her in verbal knots.

He’s deliberately humiliating me!

“It couldn’t have been that good.” He observed with a sly smile.

Deep breaths, she told herself.
“It was perfectly adequate, thank you.” She replied in freezing accents.

How dare he!

His effort at laughter, genuine laughter, made her jump.


Manip by the lovely Lena_G!

Chapter Text

Chapter 5 by ikkiM


“Adequate? That’s certainly not how I describe sex,” the golden god informed her, licking his lips seductively.

She felt her skin blistering from the heat and the embarrassment. 

There was a discreet cough beside them. They looked as one over to the camera man. “Could you introduce yourselves? Add a few details too?”

Brienne looked at the young camera man with relief, wanting to thank him for saving her. She smiled at him and held out her hand. “Hello, I’m Brienne.”

The boy shook his head furiously. “Not to me. To each other. And I’m Pod.”

The golden man chuckled at her error. “Let’s do this the right way.” He took her hand in his. “Jaime. My name is Jaime. And you are?”

His skin was warm and perfect and her palm was sweaty and gross. She knew it. “I’m Brienne.” She choked out.

He brushed his lips across her fingers just as Sansa arrived.

Brienne jerked her hand away and took a glass from her friend. 

Sansa smiled and flipped her hair. “Hello, I’m Sansa. I’m friends with Brienne and my brother Robb is here as well.” She waved vaguely to the better looking ginger.

Jaime smiled and shook her hand. He signaled to the dwarf to join them. “I’m Jaime and this is my brother, Tyrion.”

The dwarf slid from his chair and walked over to them. Introductions followed. The dwarf looked up at Brienne with his mismatched eyes and asked, “Do you think we’ll have much to talk about?”

She gurgled out something incoherent and gulped down her drink, not vodka as she’d asked, but something horrific and fruity.

Tyrion continued, “The difficulty in finding pants. The horrors of kitchen cabinetry.”

Jaime laughed. “Now Tyrion, our resident giantess won’t know how to handle the likes of you. She likes a different kind of man, or...woman?” He turned back to her with a question in his eyes.

Brienne thought there was not enough alcohol in the world. “I am not a lesbian,” she ground out.

Sansa laughed awkwardly. “But uhm...there’s nothing wrong with experimenting, right?” The two men and the cameraman focused on her.

The moment was broken by the sound of hands clapping. They turned to the host and producer, Oberyn Martell who began to speak. “Welcome all you Stags and Maidens! These first few days are a chance to get to know one another and establish connections, deep, romantic, loving connections.”

The assembled crowd laughed awkwardly.

“There are enough single beds for all until the first coupling ceremony which ll be on the third day when one of you stags will have to leave us. So why don’t you all go unpack, put on your swimsuits and head down on the beach for a little swimming, volleyball and food.”

Brienne was thrilled to escape and grabbed Sansa and Margaery and headed off to find her luggage.


Gif linked byWackyGoofball!

Chapter Text

Chapter 6 by WackyGoofball


Brienne only stopped pulling her friends along once they reached the luxurious rooms where they were to reside for the next few days.

Welcome to Hell in Paradise.

“What is the matter?” Margaery asked, tilting her head. “Aren’t you enjoying yourself?”

“No, I am not enjoying myself. I want to go home. Right now.”

“What?! No, you can’t leave. You just arrived!”

“And I’ve had enough already. This is… I never should have come.”

“But you and Jaime seemed to get along well?” Sansa argued innocently.

“We didn’t get along at all. I don’t need public humiliation to put on top of my daily dose of ridicule.”


“You are aware that the only reason they chose me is that I am a giantess which would make great if teamed up with the one dwarf of the bachelors, right?”

“Now, that is unkind,” Sansa replied in a mild tone. “Tyrion seemed nice.”

“It’s nothing against him, it’s about how they will cut all of this together,” she glared over to one of the cameras, suppressing any urge to just rip it out by the cord. “And Jaime seems to make a sport of it to humiliate me. To him, I’m probably a lesbian butch who doesn’t know of her luck yet.”

“You signed a contract,” Marge reminded her.


“You cannot leave on your own. You have to be eliminated from the challenge to terminate the contract.”

Brienne groaned. This was going to bite her in the ass, she knew it the moment the girls kept pushing her into signing up. She could still smack herself for not reading the fine print, as she usually would have done, if Marge and Sansa had not already done it, which made her certain that they knew that nothing shady was hidden between the lines.

So much to that.

Don’t trust anyone, Brienne, when will you finally learn that lesson?

“You are serious.”


“What if I just leave?”

“Unless you swim back to shore, you won’t get off the island until you are eliminated, or after the finale.”

I am a good swimmer, so maybe

“It just takes some getting used to,” Sansa added. “Maybe some time at the beach will cheer you up?”

Right, in a swimsuit the men will instantly realize my inner values,” Brienne snorted, but then bit her lip, contemplating.

So she cannot go until Day 3, granted she is eliminated that very day to get off that Hell in Paradise. And the host said that there would be a volleyball game down by the beach.

If so

While she was certain that she’d have best chances of being eliminated because the dull and the ugly always go first, there was no opposition to pushing her luck a bit, right?

She in a swimsuit would already do half the work. Plus, if Brienne knew one thing, then it was that men hated losing.

So a volleyball match after years of doing all kinds of sports back in High School came in very handy.

She wouldn’t stay here for long.

A smile formed on Brienne’s lips before announcing in a cheery voice that they should go to the beach, to which her friends readily agreed.



Gif also by the lovely WackyGoofball!

Chapter Text

Chapter 7 by bearsofair


After unpacking, the girls slipped into into their bathing suits. Brienne glanced over at Sansa and Margarery who were giggling as they touched up their makeup. They were the kind of girls who were made to be on this show. She looked at her own reflection in the vanity and examined herself in a blue bikini. There would be no hiding her flat-chested, broad and freckled body in this. Not to mention, it was very impractical for volleyball.

“Ready, Brienne?” asked Margaery.

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” Brienne answered. Just a few more days she told herself.

Down on the beach Asha and Dany were already warming up, bouncing a volleyball back and forth between them. On the other side of the net Theon, Robb, Jon, Daario, and Ron we all preoccupied in a conversation with Amy. And it was easy to see why. Her extremely skimpy bathing suit left very little to the imagination.

Sansa, Margaery, and Brienne joined Dany and Asha.

“I’m telling you,” Asha whispered to Dany, “That Amy really thinks she’s really something with her big—oh, hi, ladies!” She broke off, “Come to join us for some volleyball?”

“Of course!” Sansa replied.

“You boys ready?” called Dany to the other side of the net?

“What?” said Jon, shaken out of his trance, “Oh. Oh, right! Yeah, we just need one more guy. Jaime! You up for some volleyball?”

No, not him! Anyone but him! Brienne thought.

Jaime got up from his seat next to Tyrion at the tiki bar, sauntering towards them, bare-chested, golden and arrogant.

“Of course,” he said as he surveyed both sides of the net with a cutting smile. “But it looks as if this is the side that’s short a player, he said jogging through the sand to join the ladies.” “Besides,” he said glancing over at Brienne who towered over all the players, “I’d wager we have a good chance of scoring on this side.” Brinne couldn’t help but shift awkwardly under his gaze.

“Ok, sounds good,” called Jon. “You can serve first.”

Jaime picked up a volleyball and forcefully tossed it towards Brienne. She snatched it out of the air and scowled at him. “Your serve. Let’s see what you’ve got.”

This was not how this was supposed to happen, Brienne thought to herself. They all got into their positions. Brienne took a deep breath and served the ball, letting it sail over the net with ease. The other team scrambled, and managed to return it. It was heading back towards Brienne.

“I got it!” she called, but Jaime threw himself into her path colliding with her and causing the ball to fall to the sand.

“What the hell was that?” she demanded as the other team cheered. Jaime only shrugged.

“You’re serving seems decent…but your returns? Not so much.”

“You didn’t even give me a chance!”

“Easy, Brienne,” said Sansa, “It was only an accident. I'm sure it won’t happen again.”

But it did happen again. Every time the ball came near her, there was Jaime getting in the way, and needling her with his insults.

After the two of them landed in a heap for the fourth time, she had lost all patience. He made a move to get up, but much to the horror of the contestants and the camera crew, she tackled his ankles, straddled him, and proceeded to grind his smug face into the sand.

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Chapter 8 by Mgsmurf


Jaime had meant to provoke the large woman. He'd seen her in the blue bikini. While all the other women were slight and petite, Brienne was all muscle. Long arms and legs as toned as most men. The rest was more womanly than he'd thought. She had narrow hips, not much breast, but her waist was shapely enough, her abs slightly visible under a thin layer of soft flesh. He wasn't sure what he'd found so attract about the large woman, but he meant to see how far he could push her.

So, he made sure to intercept her every try to volley. He hadn't expected her anger to show so quickly, and certainly hadn't expected to be straddled and shoved into the sand. He sputtered and tried to chuckle despite the sand coating his mouth and nose.

Two could play this game. Jaime smirked and used his strength to roll them. He straddled Brienne, a triumph smile on his face. He leaned over her scowl and said, “It is just you want a man strong enough to best you? I'm strong enough.”

Then, Jaime realized how close they were, his hips above hers, their legs tangled, his bare chest against hers, only her her bikini and his swim shorts between them. He made an effort to not glance at the cameras, more than one, angled down at the provocative positioning of their bodies. 

He was going to get off her, apologize for everything. Then, she punched him. Her fist connected with his chin, hard. It force him to the side. She shoved him off with both arms, maybe a leg, he couldn't tell, the world had gone a bit wuzzy.

Jaime ended up on his back in the sand looking up at the brilliant blue sky. Brienne leaned down to fill his vision. “Strong enough or not,” she said, face flushed from exercise and anger, “do not touch me again.” A deep scowl covered her face and he decided it did nothing for what little looks she had. But her eyes, he realized, were the same brilliant blue of the sky above, the most glorious eyes he had ever seen before.

Brienne stormed off. Jaime sat up and sighed. He was covered in sand from head to toe. It coated his sweaty chest and back, filled his mouth, covered his face, spilled from his golden hair. Asha came over to help him back to his feet. Instead of brushing himself off, Jaime looked at Brienne, red, flushed, sweaty and just as sandy. He gave her a half smile and she deepened her scowl.

Then, Jaime caught sight of the cameras again. Oh, Tyrion was probably right. The producers had at least thought about the oddity of the large Brienne pairing off with the dwarf. After that roll in the sand they were gonna have a camera on him and Brienne ever damn moment they were together.


Chapter Text

Chapter 9 by Shareece


“I can’t believe you hit him!” Sansa hissed as Brienne stalked across the sand. 

“I’ll hit him again if he touches me.” Brienne hissed back, glaring at her friend.  How could her plan fall apart that way?  She glanced over her shoulder, her scowl deepening as she spotted Jaime’s smug face, seemingly unbothered by what just occurred. She clenched her fist as she realized he’d riled her up on purpose.

“I’ve never seen anyone get underneath your skin this way,” Sansa said, her gaze strangely observant. “It’s interesting the shade of red you turn whenever Jaime says something that irritates you.”

Brienne glared at Jaime again, watching as he easily continued to dust himself off. He was the most irritating, smug, arrogant, asshole she has ever met. “I hate him!” she growled and Sansa rolled her eyes.  She said the words with such vehemence, she hardly noticed the camera zooming in on her face.

Sansa, on the other hand was quite aware of what was happening.  She already knew how the television show was going to make her friend look.  She grabbed her Brienne’s arm. “Let’s get you another drink.”

Brienne didn’t argue with this, simply followed Sansa back toward the bar area. She tried to breathe, trying to calm her pounding heart.

“This is going to be great television!” she heard one of the producers say and she glared hard at him.



“Are you trying to get murdered before we can market our brand?” Tyrion asked idly as Jaime sat beside him.

Jaime shrugged. “I wanted to see how angry I could get her and succeeded.”

Tyrion snorted. “You wanted to feel the giantess soft body against yours.” He said teasingly. “I know you big brother.”

“What?” Jaime spluttered. “You’re—NO that’s not what is happening.” He glanced over his shoulder, glaring at the camera that was trained on the two of them.

Tyrion grunted. “You’re like a little boy on a playground, pulling the pig tails of your crush. You’re so retarded when it comes to romancing a woman.”

Jaime rolled his eyes. “I haven’t a clue you’re speaking of.” He glanced over at Brienne again, a strange stirring occurring in his stomach. He rolled his eyes and glared at his brother. “This is stupid. This whole idea is the stupidest situation I’ve ever let you put me in.”

Tyrion simply patted his brother’s hand. “It’s alright brother. Here have another drink.” He handed Jaime another coconut.

Jaime snatched the drink out of his brother’s hands, tensing as two female contestants made their way over toward him. 

“Hi, I’m Lysa.” One of them said, sidling up to Jaime. She had a wild look in her eyes that made his skin crawl.

“Jaime.” He greeted, glancing over at Tyrion who was now busy talking up the pretty exotic looking girl Tysha.

Lysa’s smile widened as she placed her claws into his bicep. “You handled that….woman quite well.”

Jaime gazed over his shoulder at Brienne, frowning when he realized Hyle Hunt was sitting next to her.


Chapter Text

Chapter 10 by WackyGoofball


Brienne sucked hard on the bunch of colorful straws in her over-decorated drink. She really had to teach Sansa the lesson that if she meant vodka, she meant vodka, and not an explosion of tropical flavors with fairy dust on top.

Speaking of… just where had she gone? Brienne whipped her head around, spotting the redhead busy in conversation with Dany. Brienne sighed, taking another long sip.

So much to her plan.

It was so, so good. Until they had to make him part of the team.

She would have beaten them all into the ground, with that friggin’ volleyball.

But then again… no matter the humiliation, that surely made her ridiculous enough so no one would come near her, Jaime included. And thank the Seven for that smug, arrogant Hercules in small to stay away.

She just had to count the days until elimination. If she kept it low from now on, she’d only be called what she was called ever since she can remember:  A Beast. Freak. That it would be live on television did nothing much to lift Brienne’s spirit, but anything was better than the prospect of having to stay in this Purgatory of Party People and Piña Colada.

“Is that seat taken?”

Brienne frowned as she glanced around to what was his name? Hyle?

“… I don’t own the chairs.”

The bulky man plopped down next to her, and Brienne couldn’t help but wonder if he purposely slouched in the seat with his legs very far apart as though he was waiting for a woman to just hop on his lap for a horizontal tango.

From the corner of her eye, Brienne could see the cameras approaching, like hyenas short before the attack.

“So… ugh, you got some mad skills. Didn’t think you’d beat that Golden Boy into the ground,” Hyle said, offering a lazy smile. “I like strong women.”

“Well, ugh… good for you.”

“Which means that you are just my type.”

Well, but you are not mine…

“Someone ugly who beats other people up is your type?”

“Well, it’s no secret that you ain’t the prettiest flower in the garden, but…”

“Way to make a compliment,” she snorted into her drink. 

“That came out odd, I’m sorry.”

“No worries, nothing new to me.”

“What I meant to say: I don’t care about the looks. I’m not the fanciest flower either, especially compared to the Golden Boy. As I like to say, once you put the lights out, we all look the same.”


“So, how about I treat you a drink and we get to know each other a little better?” he asked, and Brienne had to try hard not to jump from her seat when she felt his big hand on her thigh, squeezing with what he probably thought a sign of affection.

“The drinks are for free,” Brienne replied, keeping her voice leveled as she put her hand on his in an attempt to remove it more or less discretely.

So much to her good plan.

Hyle let out a throaty laugh.

“I would rather have you not…,” Brienne meant to say to remove Hyle’s hand (and Hyle), when suddenly a shadow rose behind them. Brienne turned her head slowly to… Jaime.

And the Gods know he looked pissed.


Chapter Text

Chapter 11 by ikkiM


Jaime crossed his arms and leaned against the door frame of the waiting room in which Brienne now sat. One of the ever present producers had informed him that they needed to have an intervention based on the incident on the volleyball court. They’d asked him to locate Brienne. And he had. At least that had gotten him away from that Lysa woman. She’d asked him if he liked milk of all things.

The wench was already working one of the contestants, Lyle, or something.  The man had his hand on her thigh. He’d probably interrupted just before they had a hot make-out session. He shook himself. Not that one could really have a hot make-out session with the cameras everywhere.

Gif by the lovely WackyGoofball!


Now she sat there, twisting her hands, face red, sunburnt, and slightly sweaty, still wearing her revealing little bikini but now with a gauzy shirt of some sort of it.

She looked up at him and sighed. “Do you think they’ll send me home?”

Before Jaime could even consider the idea, Oberyn Martell entered the room and instructed Jaime to sit next to Brienne. Microphones were adjusted, cameras were positioned and then Oberyn nodded. “Now Jaime, Brienne, you both need to understand that there can be no physical violence here in Paradise. Jaime, your behavior during the volleyball game was inappropriate, but that didn’t give you an excuse to punch him, Brienne.” Oberyn steepled his fingers like a teacher.

Jaime could feel the rage boiling up in him. How dare this sleazebag producer instruct him, Jaime Lannister, on how to behave.  Jaime snorted and crossed his arms.

Brienne turned her big blue eyes on him and snapped, “You can’t think what you did out there was all right? I mean, I know I shouldn’t have punched you, but you were practically asking for it.”

Jaime turned and unleashed his fury on her. “Like you didn’t come out there with the sole intention of showing all us men how much better you are. A big wench like you, all strong and muscular. You wanted to pound us into the dirt.”

Brienne rounded on him. “And I would have if you hadn’t purposefully screwed up. It’s all your fault.”

“My fault? My fault? Did you really think you were going to find love by beating a man at volleyball? Changed your tactics when we got back though. Letting that Vyle dude paw all over you.”

He could hear Brienne grinding her teeth. “I was not letting him paw me. I was just about to tell him to get his grubby hands off when you showed up. I would thank you for it if you weren’t such a raging asshole.”

“I am not an asshole.”

“And I am not a wench.”

They were shouting when Oberyn interrupted, slapping his hands together with glee. “In Paradise, everyone must get along. And to help you both learn that, I’m sending you on a solo date. Come back as friends or you both must leave.”


Chapter Text

Chapter 12 by bearsofair


“Come back as friends or you both must leave,” Oberyn had said. Well here was her way out. She certainly had no intention in befriending the arrogant asshole, and the sooner she could leave the better.

“If you think you can make me spend another second with him…absolutely out of the question,” she said.

“Uh, what exactly does this solo date entail?” Jaime asked skeptically. “Bungee jumping? Skydiving? The typical nonsense where you strap us together and push us to our deaths?”

“You can't possibly be even entertaining the idea! People like you and me? We don’t get along. And the sooner we’re away from each other, the better.”

“No, I’m genuinely curious. What would the solo date entail,” Jaime asked Oberyn.

“There’s a quaint little medieval themed fair going on in the next town over.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Jaime groaned.

“That’s the cheesiest thing I’ve ever heard,” Brienne agreed, rolling her eyes.

“No, no! Fans will love it! They eat this sort of thing up. There will be medieval themed games. Oh! They have a medieval themed mini golf course where you put-put your way through castles and the mouths of dragons!  And plays, and mock tourneys, and fools, and a huge feast! Oh, and the costumes. You two will look so great in your medieval costumes!”

“That’s not happening!” Brienne said springing to her feet and heading towards the door. “I’m done. I should never have come. Clearly this was a bad decision. I know you have a show to make…but this just isn’t for me. I’m sorry,” she said resignedly.

“Wait,” Jaime said grabbing her wrist. “I don’t know. Maybe…maybe it could be fun.”

She looked down at his warm hand on her wrist, as his green eyes looked at her imploringly. Her face felt hot, as she tried to form words.

“You…you can’t be serious,” she said.

“Well, It’s not going to be a picnic,”  he said hesitantly. But, I’d like to stay. For reasons. It’d be a shame to have to leave with nothing but sand in places I never knew I had thanks to you. And a weird encounter with that Lysa chick,” he said wryly.

“Yes, yes!” Oberyn clapped “That’s the Paradise spirit! I sense the magic happening already. You two will be fast friends in no time!”

Jaime and Brienne both turned to Oberyn and stared daggers at him.

“So, what do you say?” Jaime asked turning back to Brienne.


Chapter Text

Chapter 13 by Ellethom


Any words of contention melted into green pools, eyes reminiscent of the hills that covered her home island. “This is an insane idea.”

“You have no idea how good with insanity I can be.”  Jaime grinned. “If nothing else, it will be a chance for us to pretend at knights.”

Brienne turned toward Oberyn, “Will we be forced to wear a Get ALong SHirt of some sort?” she asked

“Seriously,” Jaime muttered low. “Don't give them any ideas, Wench.”

“And that’s another more calling me that name.  I have a perfectly good name.  Call me that.”

“The audience response to that has been quite remarkable,”  Brienne flashed the swarthy man a look that assured his quick and merciless death.  Oberyn cowered slightly. “But, we here at Paradise are aware that name calling can be...provocative.”

“Seriously?” Brienne growled.

“Atta girl.” Jaime added with a salacious grin. “You get ‘em Freckles.”

Brienne turned her ire toward Jaime. “You are not helping.”

Jaime assessed the situation, something he had always been good at.  It was an unofficial negotiation with parties ready to run, bolt, kill or maim. “All right, Brienne.  We will go on this date, we will learn to get along.”

“And you will behave yourself.” She accused.  Brienne wasn’t sure of the entire thing, but for some reason leaving that island was no longer high on her list of achievements. 

“I can behave.” Jaime assured her. “Scouts honor.”

“Were you ever even a scout?” she sneered.

“Sure, up until that incident with the Brownies.”

“Great!” Oberyn rubbed his hands together and smiled. “We will set the whole thing up.  The date will be tomorrow night at 7. Medieval fun.  You two will love it.” And, so will our audience.  Oberyn added though he kept that final thought to himself.  He could see Unresolved Sexual Tension from a mile away and these two exuded it.  Oberyn mentally made a checklist of things to add to the night’s activities that would ensure ratings gold.

He also made note to make sure the hot tub was clean and ready.  This was going to put his show into the forefront.  The flash ratings from the earlier display between these two had already made the rounds; getting them closer would ensure higher rating.

These two idiots were like playground children, fighting because they had no idea how to express feelings.  That fight had major sexual overtones, and Oberyn intended to capitalize on them for the rest of the time they were here.

Oberyn watched the two grumble off into separate directions after agreeing to be ready at 7 the following evening. He would make sure that everything was in order.



Chapter Text

Chapter 14 by justme


Brienne stomped all the way to the elevators. This was..actually she had no word for it. Horrible certainly wasn't strong enough to convey how she felt about having to go on a date with Jaime. Nothing good would come of this, she knew it already. She shouldn't even have agreed to the whole thing, but sitting in Oberyn's room had reminded her a lot of being ordered to go and see the principal, and some old, deeply hidden instinct of being a good student must've kicked in from back when she spent a lot of time in principal Tarly's office.

As if she and him would get along for longer than five minutes! Brienne wasn't stupid. She'd made note of him saying "I can behave", not "I will behave". He was probably going to do something obnoxious again and pin their subsequent date failure on her. Or come up with another mean nickname for her. The guy could not even control what came out of his mouth in front of the producer, for the Seven's sakes! Mayhaps he was on some sort of drugs? He had alluded to something with brownies as a boy scout, hadn't he? The only thing she could think of was the term special brownies. Which would actually explain a lot. He was probably some stoner with verbal diarrhea. Not that that gave him any right to treat her the way he'd done so far.

As she walked down the hallway to her room, Brienne decided on two things. First, she would not leave her four-walled sanctuary again for the rest of the evening, come what may. She'd been exposed to the craziness surrounding this show enough for one day. And second, on the date from the seventh hell tomorrow night she would try to make peace but take no crap from Jaime. And she would also subtly check him for any signs of being high.

She had just made it to her door, when Hyle came around the corner of the corridor. Great! She pretended she was looking for her key card, not seeing him, but of course it didn't work.

"Yo, Pia Anne! Wanna have another drink?"

"My name is Brienne. Bri-enne! Why is that so hard to remember for every guy here?"

Hyle held up his hands in mock surrender.

"You know, if you got your panties are in a twist, I know a remedy for that..", he positively leered at her.

"Bite me!"

"I can do that, if you're into it."

Seeing as she had no desire to be called back into Oberyn's office and even less desire to be forced on another date with this piece of work, Brienne chose to openly ignore him this time. She slid her card into the lock, slammed the door into his face, and leaned against it from the inside, taking a satisfied breath upon realizing she had the room to herself for now.

This had been one of the worst days of her life, and having grown up around playground bullies that meant something. The only solace Brienne had was that it couldn't get possibly worse from here.


Chapter Text

Chapter 15 by downlookingup


The next morning, Brienne went down to the breakfast gazebo. She stuck out like a sore thumb in bermuda shorts and a tank top. It wasn’t even noon and everyone else was in various states of undress and halfway drunk already. Hyle was in the pool with Amy trying to land ice cubes inside her bikini top. Jaime was nowhere to be seen, for which Brienne was immensely grateful.

Sansa and Margaery were chatting animatedly and drinking orange juice in champagne flutes. Mimosas, of course. Brienne didn’t understand the appeal of breakfast cocktails. Alcohol messed with her work out routine. Sansa squealed when she saw her. “Brienne! We heard you and Jaime are going on a date tonight!”

A camera was suddenly on her, watching her every move. Brienne felt her face grow hot. “Uh… yeah. We’re supposed to make friends or something. I doubt it will work.”

Margaery clicked her tongue. “The gods work in mysterious ways, Brienne.”

“Speaking of which,” said one of the producers, a woman with curly red hair. She handed Brienne a box wrapped in shiny blue paper. “It’s your outfit for the date.”

Brienne gulped. “Outfit?

Sansa clapped her hands gleefully. “Oh my gods! Open it!”

Brienne sat on the nearest chair and began peeling the paper away. The rest of the castmates gathered around to see what fresh hell was about to be unleashed on her, but it was Jaime’s voice that set her on edge.

“She gets an outfit?” And then he laughed, loudly.

Brienne shot him a glare before finally ripping the box open and pulling out the scrap of metallic gray fabric inside. “Seven fucking hells,” she groaned.

It was an extremely short dress with leg slits on either side. The mesh lamé was meant to imitate chain mail and the shoulder pads were shaped like pauldrons. There was a coat of arms on the chest, a gold lion on a red background. To complete the outfit, the box had a pair of high-heeled, thigh-high boots and a foam sword.

Manip by the lovely Wackygoofball!


“What do you think?” the producer asked.

“I…” She stared at the camera, speechless. She couldn’t believe this was happening to her.

“I love it!” Jaime declared.

The producer handed him another box. “Good, ‘cause here’s yours.”

He wasn’t nearly as careful with the wrapping as Brienne had been. He tore it away in one go and pulled out a pair of brown trousers that looked two sizes too small and a small vest. A pair of thigh-high boots and another foam sword fell out of the box. He stared at the scraps of fabric in his hand.

“Where’s the shirt?”

The redheaded producer smiled. “There isn’t one.”

It was Brienne’s turn to laugh.


Gif linked by the lovely justme!

Chapter Text

Chapter 16 by Shareece


Jaime glared at his brother who nearly had tears in his eyes he was laughing so hard. “I’m glad you find this amusing.”

“Oh, yes.” Tyrion nodded as he wiped at his eyes. “Oh yes. You look—“

Jaime rolled his eyes and crossed his arms in front of his chest, immediately dropping his arms as the material of the vest stretched uncomfortably across his chest.  “This is all your fault.” He repeated, but Tyrion’s laughter faded off as he nodded, a serious expression on his face.

“I take full responsibility of this dear sweet brother….” He trailed off as he bit his lip to keep from laughing.

Jaime glared at him. “Go on, laugh it up.”

That was all Tyrion needed to hear. He leaned forward, clutching his stomach. “The leather pants are so tight! The bulge!” He slapped his thigh. “You look like a Pentoshi rent boy past his prime!”

Jaime glared at him as he picked up the foam sword “I hope you choke on your laughter.”  He turned to go, keeping his head held high. The pants were uncomfortably tight and he nearly struggled to walk, but he’d be damned if he was going to let that wench see how uncomfortable he was.

Manip by the lovely Lena_G!

“It’s so…shiny.” Sansa said as she and Brienne stared at her figure in the mirror.

“Very shiny.” Margaery agreed.

Brienne could only stare in horror at how much skin she was showing.  “I can’t go out there like this.” She said, shaking her head. “The cameras…”

Sansa shook her head as she wrapped an arm around her friend. “You have to Brienne. Remember you signed a contract.”

Margaery nodded in agreement. “It won’t be that bad.” She said, biting her lip.

Brienne glared at the amused expressed in her friend’s eyes. “This isn’t funny Margaery!”

Margaery held up her hands. “You’re right I’m sorry!”

Sansa sighed. “Look, just try to have fun alright? It’s the only thing you can do with this..situation.”

Brienne pulled the skirt down which was useless because of the slits on the side.  “I look like a Braavosi hooker.”

Both girls agreed.

“But, your legs look hot as hell in those boots.”

Brienne sighed and grabbed the sword Sansa handed her. God knows how Jaime will insult her this time. She looked ridiculous. She turned to go, nearly stumbling due to the length of her heeled boots. This was going to be hell.

“It’s so…shiny.” Jaime commented for the third time.

Brienne shot him a glare, slapping his hand away as he picked at the mesh fabric of her dress. “Watch it! You’re fairing no better.”

“What?” Jaime scoffed. “I look great. At least I don’t look like I’m in a poorly made cosplay.”

Brienne raised an eyebrow. “Seriously?” Brienne shot back. “Did you look at yourself before you left your room? I won't be surprised if your pants split before the end of the night.”  She glared at him when she realized he was staring intently at her legs. “What?!”

Jaime blinked and looked away quickly. “Nothing at all.”


Manip by the lovely Lena_G!

Chapter Text

Chapter 17 by Mgsmurf


Art by the lovely downlookingup!


As horribly as they both were dressed, they oddly did not stand out too much at the Medieval Faire. Brienne wondered how these people could have any dignity. She had hoped all the extra flesh – Was that woman wearing only a bikini of chain mail? – would cause Jaime's gaze to roam to other women. He seemed to still be fixated on her thighs. Was he purposely walking a bit behind her to get a view of her rear? Brienne threw a glare over her shoulder at him.

Jaime shrugged at her glare. “Is it my fault Freckles you have such long legs?” He took extra steps to catch back up to her side. “I hear there's a joust.” His voice held the excitement of a ten-year old boy. Brienne let out a sigh. Did men ever grow up?

Jaime bent to study the provided map of the faire and then tugged on her arm and pointed her in direction of supposedly the joust. A joust? Much as she enjoyed horses, and history, she doubted any of this fake place could live up to such a word as a joust.

They wove their way through the crowd when two women in costume pulled to a stop in front of them. Brienne thought the women were actors in the faire from some washer woman show. They wore ragged period dresses that reveled much too much skin, although not as much as Brienne's dress still.

“Ooooh, look at these two.” The one woman scrunched up her face into a smile and leaned back almost drunkenly.

“I knoooow.” the second woman said, her eyes looking them both up and down. “The tall one's nice, but.... the other one.” She turned and leaned closer to Jaime.

Both women now surrounded Jaime. Brienne nicely side stepped to let them, her lips tightened to not smile. Jaime slid Brienne a worried look.

“Is he yours?” the first woman asked Brienne.

Brienne shook her head while Jaime glared over the woman's head. “No, he's still very available,” Brienne found herself saying with a chuckle.

“He's got such a nice... sword,” the second woman said, although it was not the foam sword in his hands the woman looked at. Instead, she slid her eyes down the small vest covering his sculpted chest to the very tight leather pants he wore. The first woman agreed and gave a wide, toothy smile. Her hand hovered just above the bulge in Jaime's pants. Jaime looked absolutely terrified the woman might stop just hovering.

Brienne couldn't help it, she burst into laughter. Jaime glared and Brienne covered her mouth with her hand, not that her laughter stopped.

“Ladies, I beg your pardons," Brienne said, still laughing, "but we have men with large swords on horses to watch, don't we ser?”

Jaime smiled politely at the two actors. He somehow sidestepped away from the women and their hovering hands without getting touched. Brienne grabbed his bare arm and had them weaving with haste away through the crowd.


Chapter Text

Chapter 18 by bearsofair


*Poke*, *poke*. “Ow!” Brienne paused in the middle of the bustling footpath to face Jaime. “Jaime would you please quit poking me in the ass with your sword?”

“Sorry, wench. I couldn’t resist.” Jaime said sheepishly. “Hey, thanks for saving me back there from those handsy women. That was very…gallant of you. I guess I could call you my knight in shining armor,” he said with a chuckle as he reached out to rub a strip of her shiny costume between two fingers.

Brienne took a step back from him. “Uh, yeah. No problem,” she said shyly. “But I told you not to stop with the mean nicknames!”

Jaime squared his broad shoulders and adopted a very serious expression. “My apologies. That was very unworthy of me…my lady,” he said bending over in an overly dramatic sweeping bow. He looked up at her with a smile that was all charm. "How's that? Better?" She couldn’t help but roll her eyes and smile back.

“Come on,” she said pulling him up, “We don’t want to miss the joust.” And with that they raced down the path, the camera crew at their heels.

They filed into the already packed stands. It was quite a spectacle, she had to admit. Brightly colored banners, merry music, and everybody was in such high spirits. As much as she hated to admit it, even Jaime hadn’t been completely awful so far.

The stands were filled to capacity now, as a man entered and announced, “Lords and ladies! Your attention please! I give you Ser Arthur of Dorne! A true knight, and a fiend with a lance!” A knight decked in some movie quality armor that put her own costume to shame galloped in to the cheers of of the crowd. “And on this side, Ser Galladon of Morne! An honorable knight of legends!” Another knight rode in from the opposite side as the crowd cheered him as well.

“Your height makes it quite difficult to see what's going on, my lady,” Jaime suddenly said, his breath warm in her ear and prickling goose bumps on the back of her neck. He was right there, mere inches away. The stands were packed with bodies surrounding her, but she was only aware of the body that was pressed up behind her. And then his hand was on her hip, as he steadied himself on his tiptoes. She was completely frozen, before something snapped her out of her shock.

“Jaime…” she hissed. “I told you to stop poking me in the ass with your sword!”

Jaime said nothing, remaining uncharacteristically silent.


Chapter Text

Chapter 19 by WackyGoofball


It took Jaime one glance down to know just what sword desperately begged to be unsheathed.

Damn that woman with her ridiculously short skirt and the even more ridiculously long legs.

“Ugh, sorry about that. Missed the hook on my belt.”

Jaime hoped that the camera didn’t catch that, given the hubbub of the joust.

“Well, then just keep it… in your sheath from now on…”

“I will most certainly try, my lady,” Jaime said, his voice coming out more strained than intended.

Brienne turned her attention back to the joust as the two knight prepared to ride, leaning forward for better view. Against all odds, Brienne found herself enjoying this, if only just a little bit.

Since she was certain to go during the first elimination, there was no opposition to at least enjoy the good parts of that whole Medieval Date Ordeal.

She tried her best to act natural, even though Jaime was only inches from her. Brienne could feel a strange heat spreading from her belly to the tips of her toes.

Without her notice, Jaime let out a low growl, swallowed by the uproar of the crowd as the knights started to ride ahead.

This had to be a joke.

Just like it had to be a joke that this woman had to lean forward to make matters worse, leaving nothing to imagination. At this point, there was perhaps a finger’s width before one could see the hem of her panties. Jaime smacked himself in the thigh, hard.

He tried to remind himself of her homely face, but once he did, he could only think of her big blue eyes.

“Everything okay?” Brienne called over her shoulder. That slap must have been louder than he thought.

“Perfect! Just smacked a mosquito so that my lady doesn't get bitten by this vicious creature,” Jaime brought out smooth enough for her to just nod and turn her attention back to the joust, looking way too sweet and innocent for a woman as ugly as her.

Another uproar went through the crowd as Galladon of Morne won the first round. Brienne found herself cheering along. The actual Galladon of Morne was a local legend on Tarth. She meant to turn around to point that out to Jaime, when some drunkard elbowed her in the side hard enough to make her lose balance on those stupid heels, tumbling to the ground. She reached out for the railing, but to her surprise, she was grasped by the hip with strong hands and straightened back up in one swift movement.

“Hey, watch where you’re going!” she heard Jaime yell behind her. It took Brienne a moment to realize that he had his arm slung around her waist, tightly pulled against him, as the man who just elbowed her staggered drunkenly past them where Brienne had stood moments ago.

“Everything alright?” he murmured, surprisingly concerned for her.

“It’s okay, you can just…,” she said, but then stopped. “Oh, Seven Hells, what did I tell you about that sword?!”

However, that was when she saw that Jaime’s foam sword had fallen to the ground when he caught her.

“That is… not your sword.”



“Yep. So whatever you want to do now, don’t move and act natural.”

Easier said than done, she thought.

Elimination couldn’t come soon enough.


Chapter Text

Chapter 20 by ikkiM


Oh gods. Brienne scanned the crowd and noticed a couple of busty medieval barmaids. Jaime must have seen them and he was...oh gods. If the camera people saw this, they’d think it was because of her, or cut the film to make it look that way. She had to distract him. What was the least sexual thing she could think of?

She blurted out the most disturbing thing about this whole trip, “Last night, in the women’s bathrooms, I think Lysa might have been pumping her breasts.”

“What?” Jaime hissed.

She turned her head to him, “I’m just saying, that I think Lysa, I don’t even know. There were weird noises and sucking sounds and she came out carrying a bottle of milk and she hadn’t taken one in. And then she added some Kahlua to it. It was creepy.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

Brienne shifted in his arms and breathed a sigh of relief. “It worked, didn’t it?”

Jaime furrowed his brow and then grinned. “That it did, aren’t you a clever wench.”

“Shut up,” she growled before turning back to watch the joust.

They stood there silently for ten minutes before one of the production assistants approached them. “So, uhm, it’s time to head back. Could you maybe hold hands and you know, kiss or something?”

Brienne reared back. “Most certainly not.”

Jaime shrugged. “We had a nice enough time. If it were a real date, I’d kiss her.”

“But it’s not a real date. It’s a reality show date and no.” She didn’t want to think about the fact that maybe she wanted to kiss Jaime. She wanted it very much. But she didn’t want to kiss him for show, and she certainly didn’t want to kiss him with cameras watching. Not to mention what people would think, the ugly girl panting after the hot guy.

After her adamant refusal, the date ended and they headed back to the resort. Jaime seemed about to hug her, but she stuck out her hand for a shake.

By the time she returned to her room, the other women were sleeping, and the room seemed littered with tiny umbrellas and smelled of fruit and liquor.

Brienne woke the next morning late, showered and pulled on a pair of cargo shorts and a t-shirt. As she approached the breakfast table, she heard screeching, “You bitch! You fucking bitch.”

Lysa approached her trembling with fury, “They showed me the film of you telling that lactation story just to humiliate me. Well, there’s nothing wrong with breast milk and perhaps if you were a real woman, you’d know that. You don’t even have any breasts. I don’t think any man here would accept a token from you at the coupling ceremony.”

Many thoughts went through Brienne’s head. The most terrifying one was when she realized there were more men on the island than women. She’d have to choose someone at the coupling ceremony and she would not be going home tomorrow.


Chapter Text

Chapter 21 by bergamot


Oberyn ordered everyone to the patio after breakfast. Brienne made a concerted effort to stay well away from Lysa while also avoiding Jaime. Thankfully, Sansa and Margaery, far too hung over from the previous night, didn’t put up much of a fight when Brienne led them to the back of the group.

The contestants waited while Oberyn spoke into the camera, recapping their first two days at the resort. He smiled winningly at them all, and then produced a gold envelope from his pocket. “I have the pleasure of announcing the first of many delightful group dates.”

Oberyn tore apart the envelope and smiled coyly at the camera. “The first group date shall be a zip line adventure in the jungle outside the resort! Today we will see our contestants fly, and tonight, at least one of them will fall.”

He winked with a final flourish, and the camera’s panned away.

The contestants dispersed to their rooms or the bar or the pool. Brienne, Margaery, and Sansa commandeered a covered table on the patio. Sansa and Margaery both opted for oversized sunglasses and strawberry daiquiris. Having finally manhandled one of the bartenders into leaving alcohol out of her beverages, Brienne sipped at a glass of pineapple juice.

“What do you think Oberyn meant by saying ‘at least one’ of us will fall?” Brienne asked.

“Maybe he means someone could fall zip lining?” Margaery answered. “I’m not sure how responsible it is to send a bunch of hungover people out zip lining in the woods.”

“I think he means one or more of us will be falling in love before the coupling ceremony tonight,” Sansa sighed.

Brienne and Margaery looked at each and rolled their eyes.

“Speaking of which,” Sansa sat up. “How was your date last night? Did Jaime crown you his Queen of Love and Beauty?”

Brienne choked on her pineapple juice. “Ugh, gods, no!” She tried not to imagine Jaime in his strangely erotic costume. The pale golden hair that dusted his chest and his abs… those leather pants. “NO,” said Brienne. “And I doubt anyone would consider being forced into a skimpy outfit only to be jostled by a bunch of loud, drunk people a good date.”

Margaery took a sip of her daiquiri and shrugged. “Sounds like a Saturday night out to me.”

“Zip lining.” Tyrion frowned at the series of minivans waiting for them in the driveway outside the resort. “Is there an opt out option that Oberyn didn’t tell us about?”

“Regretting your decision to sign us up for this ridiculous show already?” Jaime asked distractedly. He tracked Brienne as she climbed into one of the vans. The contestants were dressed in an assortment of athletic wear, and the short cargo shorts Brienne had chosen were doing nothing to help Jaime forget the night before.

“Certainly not,” said Tyrion, following Jaime’s gaze with an amused smile. Brienne caught them staring at her across the driveway and glared.


Chapter Text

Chapter 22 by ikkiM


Brienne stood on the platform with the dwarf and sighed as she watched the others ziplining. The dwarf bumped her leg with his shoulder and she looked down at him. He grinned. “Doesn’t look much fun anyway.”

Brienne watched Lysa, Ron, and Hyle all screaming hysterically while Asha called them cowards and assholes. Jaime was helping Tysha with her line, the rest were zipping all around.

Brienne responded, “Now that you mention it, it is a bit of a disaster. “ She sat down on the platform, noting that the camera had eased around to film their conversation. She felt her irritation rise. “You know they purposefully didn’t have enough harnesses of the right size, just to embarrass us. “

The dwarf, Tyrion, nodded. “So how was your date with my big brother?”

Brienne shuddered. “That costume.”

Tyrion threw his head back and laughed. “Now that was all for show. Those legs of yours were delectable in those boots. I’m sure Jaime noticed.”

Brienne felt a slight fall in her mood. All Jaime had really noticed was how shiny and ridiculous she looked. What he’d really noticed were the barmaids. She jutted her chin towards the zipliners. “He seems to have found a friend in Tysha. She’s nice.”

Tyrion’s mouth thinned into a line, “She is nice. And of course she’s interested in Jaime. All the women are interested in Jaime. You saw how he looked last night.”

Brienne nodded. “How could I not see?”

Tyrion turned to her, “So are you going to ask him to be your stag or whatever it is in the coupling ceremony?”

Brienne buried her face in her hands. “Oh gods. I thought I would get voted out first. I wanted to get voted out first.”

Tyrion threw his head back and laughed. “No my dear giantess. You’re not to be the first one out. I’m to be. Haven’t you noticed? One of these men is not like the others?”

She nodded.  “I figured they wanted to find a way to stick us together.”

He nodded. “Of course that’s what they want. The question is, are we going to give it to them?”

She turned to face him fully. “Are you saying I should choose you tonight?”

Tyrion shrugged. “I’m not sure anyone else will.” He looked wistful. “And I promise not to reject your token.”

“But won’t we have to…share a room and stuff then until the next ceremony?”

Tyrion nodded. “That we will, but I promise you, your honor is safe with me.”

Brienne stuck out her hand, “Deal?”

They shook on at as the zipliners returned to the platform.

They headed back to the resort.


Chapter Text

Chapter 23 by downlookingup


Tysha pressed her breasts against him and kissed him. Jaime put his arms on her waist and kissed her back. It was all very romantic. The room they’d put them in was lit almost exclusively by candles and decorated with gauzy curtains that made everything feel a little fuzzy and unreal. Well, that and the wine. He’d drunk so much wine. He tried to lose himself in Tysha, who was warm and soft and small in his arms, but—

“Tyrion, stop it!” he heard, followed by another bray of hysterical laughter.

He pulled away from Tysha’s mouth. “Wait, stop.”

The coupling ceremony had been a surprise, to say the least. Brienne had been first up with her token, a ziplining harness. Jaime had thought it was a strange choice; the foam sword would have been much more poetic. And then she’d said, “Tyrion, will you be my stag?”

When his brother had said yes, she’d given him a chaste kiss on the cheek. And all along, the camera’s circling like starving vultures. Jaime had even heard Oberyn crow, “The ratings this year are gonna be insane.” He couldn’t understand why they were playing into the producer’s hands. Why didn’t she pick me?

The rest of the ceremony had been equally perplexing. Brienne’s friends had picked Theon and Renly, Daenerys had picked Daario (at some point during the day, he’d dyed his hair blue, which made him look ridiculous), Missandei had picked Jon, Asha had picked Ron, Amy had picked Hyle, and Lysa had picked Ramsay.

In the end, somehow, it had been Jaime and Robb and Tysha. He should have been happy to be on the verge of being kicked off, but for some reason, he had looked at Brienne and Tyrion, who were whispering and giggling on one of the couches, and decided he wanted to stay just a few more days.

So he’d unbuttoned half his shirt and said some bullshit about “a magical connection” with Tysha, and she’d picked him. And, of course, she’d thought he meant it, because he kept trying to pull him onto their shared bed.

He should have let her, but his room was right next to the one Tyrion was currently sharing with Brienne, and the sounds coming from it were too distracting. She wouldn’t stop laughing.

Tysha sighed and slumped onto the bed. “What is it?”

“Listen,” he said, “you’re very pretty, but listening to my little brother having sex is kinda weird.” That sounds convincing, doesn’t it?

Tysha nodded, her shiny brown waves bobbing. “I understand. Maybe we can get them to give us a different room tomorrow.”

Jaime suppressed a groan and smiled. “I’m gonna take some fresh air. I’ll be back,” he said, and fled.

He glared at Tyrion and Brienne’s closed door as he passed and scowled at the ensuing burst of laughter coming from inside. A moonlit walk on the beach by himself would help him settle down.

The contestants so far:

Maidens Stags
Brienne Tyrion
Sansa Theon
Margaery Renly
Daenerys Daario
Asha Ron
Amy Hyle
Missandei Jon
Lysa Ramsay
Tysha Jaime
Out Robb


Chapter Text

Chapter 24 by SandwichesYumYum


“You have me at an unfair disadvantage, Brienne,” Tyrion stated, batting at her hand to move it away. She just stretched out her fingers, only to feel a tugging at her middle one, bending it backward. “Stop hogging the popcorn!” he moaned. “Having a handspan as big as a large bowl is -”

“I can’t help it!” Brienne whispered, her head flopping back onto the pillow. She was feeling decidedly squiffy. “What was that drink, by the way?”

Triumphantly, Tyrion stuffed a handful of the much fought over popcorn into his mouth, rendering his reply almost indecipherable. “Seggs un de”

“In the Common Tongue?”

A muffled groan was followed by the overly-laborious chewing she’d expect from a five-year old before Tyrion leaned over her, his face alight as if he were just about to impart the most important knowledge in the world. “It was a sex on the beach. Like mine.”

She looked at his nearly full glass on the bedside cabinet. “You mean your fourth.”

“Fifth, but what’s a little extra sex on the beach between friends?”

Despite herself, Brienne started snorting with laughter. “It was…it was better than I thought it would be,” she grinned up at him.

Tyrion snatched the bowl away and raised it like a trophy, spilling popcorn on the bedcovers. Brienne didn’t mind so much right then, but was sure she would by morning. She’d always hated crumbs. His victory celebration complete, Tyrion nodded wisely. “It was better than the real thing, I promise you. Blech. You get sand in places…where you didn’t know there were places.”

He snaffled another piece of popcorn and then poked her in her ribs. “How long do you think it’s been, Brienne?”

She rolled her head to the side and squinted and the too-bright numbers on the clock. “Five minutes more than when you last asked me?”

“That’s long enough, don’t you think?”

“Really, Tyrion? Half an hour?”

“I’m a machine, okay?” he frowned petulantly.

It was her turn to poke him in the ribs. “You like her, don’t you?”

Tyrion stood up on the bed, upending the bowl over Brienne in a manner that could only be described as purposeful and grabbing the headboard. “I think you like you better when you’re sober, roomie. Ready?”

Then, in his blue and white striped pyjamas, he started to jump up and down, shaking the headboard, his curls bouncing as he let out a load moan. After a few seconds he stopped for a moment, hissing down at Brienne, “Come on, Brienne! You have to help me out here. I can’t fly solo for this!”

“Okay! But I’m not jumping. Not right now.”

That earned her a thumbs up before the mattress started bouncing again. It didn’t do the best things for her head, but she participated in a minimal fashion nonetheless, the occasional, hearty slap of the wall and comical calls of Tyrion’s name seeming to suffice.

In truth, it was fun and, after a while, they ended up in a heap of giggles and popcorn on the bed. It was only then that an important thought occurred to Brienne. “How many times are we going to do this tonight, Tyrion?”

He picked up a stray bit of popcorn and popped it into his mouth with a wicked grin. “Oh. Loads. Brienne, you are in for a hell of a night!”


Chapter Text

Chapter 25 by Shareece


‘I won’t look over my shoulder.’ Jaime thought to himself as he walked away from the room he shared with Tysha. “Nope.” He muttered out loud. “Not looking.”  He looked. He paused midstride, staring at the closed door of Brienne and Tyrion, narrowing his eyes as his mind immediately began to conjure up the most salacious of scenarios. He knew his brother could be a man whore when it came to the ladies and gave little care for propriety, especially when alcohol involved.

Before he knew what he was doing he was quickly walking back across the sand toward Tyrion and Brienne’s room.  Ignoring the cameraman over his shoulder, pausing in front of a door. His eyes narrowed as he strained to hear what was going on inside. He frowned as he thought he heard a quiet moan.  Ignoring the cameraman beside him, he pressed his ear against the door.

“Yes!”  His eyes widened in shock as he heard his little brother growl. “Brienne!”

“Oh gods!” he heard Brienne stutter out. “Yes. So good!”

“Son of a bitch.” Jaime muttered as he heard soft laughter followed by another moan. He raised his fist and banged on the door twice before stomping away, glaring at the camera man as he stopped his way toward the bar.  “Whiskey.” He said, snatching the bottle out of the bartender’s hand.

“Hey!” The bartender called. “You can’t—“ He trailed off as Jaime waltzed away from the bar, not stopping until he was well away from Paradise.  He sat onto the sand with a groan, taking a swig of whiskey as he did.  “Fuck.” He said as the liquor burned a trail down his throat. He stared up at the moon, his thoughts turning maudlin the more he drank. He didn’t need Tyrion. He didn’t need Brienne either, the ugly pig headed cow.  All he needed was his whiskey.

Brienne and Tyrion froze as the loud bang sounded on their door.

“What was that?” Brienne asked in a hushed whisper.

“I haven’t a clue.” He hopped off of the bed and opened the door a crack, frowning as he caught sight of Jaime as he made his way across the beach toward the bar. “Oh dear.”

“It isn’t what you think.”

Jaime didn’t bother acknowledging his brother, merely sat with his arms crossed in front of his chest as he nursed the biggest hangover he has ever experienced in his life.  He gazed across the table at Brienne, watching as Oberyn showed her something on the tablet.  He frowned and looked away from her when she glanced in his direction.

Brienne flushed a deep red as she watched the footage from the night before; wincing as she heard her orchestrated moans and groans. She blinked in surprise as the scene switched to show Jaime with his ear pressed against the door of she and Tyrion’s room. She frowned in confusion from his shock then his outrage. So it was him who had banged on their door.  She glanced over at him, wondering why he would react in such a way.


Chapter Text

Chapter 26 by bearsofair


“Uh, thanks, Oberyn. I’ve seen enough.” said Brienne, pushing the ipad away, suddenly very self-conscious of what had happened (or rather didn’t happen) last night.

“Great television! Best season yet!” Oberyn muttered to himself as he packed the iPad away, and left.

“Good morning!” said Tyrion cheerily approaching the bar and pulling up a chair next to Brienne. “Big brother,” he called over to Jaime. You look like shit. You must have had quite a night!”

Brienne looked over at Jaime. Jaime must have told the bartender to just leave the bottle of whisky, because he was in the process of pouring himself another.

“Seems to me I wasn’t the only one who had ‘quite a night’ last night.”

Jaime was now glowering at Tyrion from his seat on the other side of the bar. He did look awful. Disheveled in the clothes he had been wearing last night. Dark circles under his eyes. A wild mess of golden bedhead begging for fingers to be run through it. A jawline prickled with fresh stubble begging for lips to be run along it. Fuck. Where had that come from?

Gif by the lovely Wackygoofball!


Tyrion ignored Jaime's sour disposition and implications. “Ah! I see you haven’t gotten your beauty sleep, big brother although the gods know I need mine more than you need yours. Have another drink and you’ll be fine. Hair of the dog! Am I right?”

“Would you just shut up?” Jaime said hottly.

“My, my. Aren’t we testy this morning?” Tyrion replied.

“Tyrion,” Brienne hissed, sensing a rising tension between the two brothers. “Please stop,” she said as she placed a hand on Tyrion’s shoulder.

“Ha!” Jaime scoffed. “That’s not what you said last night, Brienne. ‘Tyrion! Please don’t stop! Never stop!’ he mocked in a breathless falsetto. She was mortified and furious all at once.

“Jaime! I-- That wasn’t--“ she started to stammer.

“There you are, Jaime!” said Tysha suddenly appearing behind Jaime. “I was wondering where you had run off to last night. Good morning Brienne! Good morning Tyrion!” she said smiling sweetly.

Jaime lurched to his feet and slung an arm low around Tysha’s waste. “Come on. Let’s get out of here,” he said.

“What? Where are we going?” Tysha asked bewildered.


Chapter Text

Chapter 27 by Mgsmurf


Jaime's hand rested on Tysha's waist. She was a nice enough girl. Jaime sighed. His head pounded, his stomach felt worse, he was clearly too old for an all nighter. Oh, yeah, and he was also not at all the ladies’ man that everyone thought he was, that was Tryion.

They stumbled their way to the beach, well Jaime stumbled, Tysha daintily strolled. Damn he'd forgotten sunglasses, which made what would otherwise be a glorious morning of glittering sun on the ocean painful.

“It's so pretty here, isn't it?” Tysha said. Jaime mumbled something in response.

“Too bad that the room didn't work out last night.” Tysha said.

“Huhh,” Jaime managed.

They had stopped, alone in the middle of the beach except for a camera looming a few feet away. Tysha looked up at him with big eyes and a bright smile. She did seem like a sweet girl. It only made it harder that he planned to use her to get back at his womanizing brother, certainly getting back at his brother and not large Brienne and her long legs.

Linked by Lena_G


Jaime realized he was still staring and thus the silence had grown awkward. So, he leaned down and kissed her. Maybe the whiskey hid his unbrushed teeth. When they pulled apart Tysha still beamed up at him. He leaned down at kissed her again, a little deeper. He slid his hand up her petite back. The girl was certainly more sized to match Tyrion. He growled, upset he was thinking of his brother. Tysha seemed to get another impression though and slipped her tongue into his mouth.

The kiss was nice, sweet, like little Tysha, but Jaime found himself wanting to actually lean up to kiss a taller woman. He found himself thinking about long legs that never ended and firm muscles.

He pulled away again and made sure to give a small smile, all fake but Tysha and the cameras didn't seem to catch on. “Let's go wading,” Jaime suggested. He grabbed Tysha's small hand and walked her  to towards the rolling waves. “Or maybe swimming.”

Tysha giggled, following behind. “But you don't have a swim suit on silly.”

Jaime smirked and chuckled. “Who needs a suit?”  

Brienne was not watching from the large beachfront porch as Jaime and Tysha walked along the beach and headed for the ocean. She was at least trying to pay attention to Tyrion's joke, something about a jackass and a honeycomb. She also wasn't watching as Jaime splashed Tysha, or as he stripped down to just a pair of tight red underwear. Then he was swimming, and Brienne even at a distance, did not notice what a wonderful swimmer strong he was.

Tyrion was laughing. “See that's a good joke, wasn't it?” He grinned.

Brienne nodded and gave a short laugh. “Yes, very funny.” She had felt bad for Jaime this morning, but... maybe she hadn't needed to.


Chapter Text

Chapter 28 by justme

Banner by Effulgent!


"I mean who would think that a honeycomb would fit there, right?"

"Uh huh."

Tyrion sighed, shaking his head.

"You didn't pay one bit of attention, did you?"


"Brienne!" the dwarf whined, snapping her out of whatever weird trance she'd been in for the last minutes. She turned to her companion, shaking her head.

"I'm sorry, I..sorry. Tell it again?"

"Nah, the moment's gone now. Let's see just what managed to capture your full interest instead", Tyrion said, craning his neck into the direction Brienne had stared and narrowing his eyes as he saw Tysha and Jaime re-emerging from the waves, his arm yet again around her waist and the both of them laughing.

"Yeah, that will do it. A different kind of ass."

Under his breath he muttered something that sounded a lot like that rotten bastard.

"I'm's not like that. I--", Brienne tried to explain herself without even knowing what exactly it was she was trying to say. Before she could find the rest of the sentence somewhere in her head, Oberyn's assistant Ellaria came over to their table, cameraman in tow.

"Do you guys have time for some comments about last night we can cut in between the footage from the coupling ceremony before our new maiden arrives later today?"


"Excellent!” she grinned. "Let's start with you Brienne. We will do them by the rocks over there. Follow me?"

Throwing an apologetic glance at Tyrion, Brienne reluctantly got up and followed the perky production assistant. He didn't even react; he was still busy giving the stink eye in the direction of the beach. Wait. So Tyrion and Jaime both liked Tysha? Uh-oh.

The cool water had done a very good job clearing some of the fog from his brain. There was still some painful throbbing going on behind his temples, but all in all Jaime felt more like himself again. He even dared to shake his head like a wet dog to get rid of some of the water that was plastering his hair to his forehead, hitting Tysha with some droplets and making her giggle.

"We should've brought towels; this is not going to do the trick."

"The sun will dry us in no time."

To help make it go even faster, Jaime drew his hands down over his dripping torso and wiped his wet hands on the back of his underwear. When he looked up, he saw Tysha giving him a dazed look.

"What is it?"

"Huh? Oh, nothing. You know..I'm kinda cold. Will you warm me?"

"I..", before he could continue, the petite brunette had already walked right up to him, threw her arms around his middle and pressed herself close.

"..guess I could do that", Jaime finished.

Standing there with Tysha snuggling up to him, Jaime let his eyes wander. He couldn't see Brienne, but once he squinted his eyes, he could make out Tyrion's face in the distance and from what he could tell, his treacherous little brother looked halfway to murderous. Good.


Chapter Text

Chapter 29 by WackyGoofball


The interview was more of a rush. Ellaria and the crew went back to the beach, probably to either question Tyrion about his growing jealousy for Tysha, or simply to film what likely was a soft porn starring her and Jaime, with the title Sex on the Beach.

However, Brienne tried not to think of the hollow feeling in the pit of her stomach. She knew she shouldn’t have been surprised, after all, Tysha was… pretty and cute, sweet, probably also funny.

Everything I am not.

Brienne consoled herself with what Ellaria had said.

A new maiden would arrive later.

That meant the next ceremony might be her last and she could finally return to her old life, where mockery was not banned on camera. She already told Tyrion that she hoped to be eliminated, so she should just ask him not to choose her next time.

Tyrion could choose the new girl or even Tysha, if only to piss off Jaime, and Brienne… could leave Paradise Prison.

Though there was still the issue of “accepting the token”. If Tysha or the new girl didn’t… wouldn’t that mean that Tyrion had to go, too? She really should have read those rules more carefully.

Brienne shook her head. She’d just ask Tyrion later. He was so smart, he’d come up with a plan for sure. She glanced up the rather large stonebank, only to think of Tarth and the cliffs she used to climb as a girl, to hide from the world.

She made a mental note to burn her father’s televisions so he would never see his daughter in such a mess.

Before Brienne could think, she had her fingers digging into the stone and climbed up the bank, away from the world, if only for a few minutes.

From a distance, Jaime observed the wench as she started to scramble up that stonepile, Tysha still wrapped around him.

Just what was Brienne up to again? That woman had a head of her own, that was for sure.

“Seems like I still need a towel,” he heard Tysha say. “I’ll be right back.”

“Sure,” Jaime said absently.

She kissed him on the lips briefly before dancing her way to the main house.

Jaime saw Brienne reach the top of the stonebank, stretching out like a sunflower does towards the sun, only to plop down, daring to stretch her way too long legs in the air in a maddening way. Jaime was sure she did it only for show, only to draw his attention to her.

The big minx. How dare she?

He was obviously not going to give her the satisfaction to react to her tease.

No way.

Tysha made her way up the beach, shivering. She really needed to dry off.


She turned around to Tyrion sitting in a beach chair.

“Oh, hi!”

“May I offer you my towel? You seem to be freezing?” He hopped off the stool and gave her the towel he had sat on. “Unless you don’t want a towel that has dwarf on it.”

“Oh, no, please, you’re my lifesaver! That’s so sweet of you!”

She took it from him, rubbing herself dry quickly, offering the sweetest of smiles.

“If a maiden is in need, a stag has to come to the rescue, right? No matter how small the stag may be.”

The two smirked at each other, and Tyrion felt both happy and satisfied to piss off his brother a bit more. But once he glanced past Tysha… there was no one in the water.


Chapter Text

Chapter 30 by Nurdles


Brienne felt her muscles relax as she lay on the rock, the sun warming her like a large homely lizard. She must have drifted off, because the sound of someone coming up the rocks startled her awake and she sat up quickly.

Whoever it was now stood looking down at her, the dazzle of sunlight leaving their features in shadow. Not that Brienne needed to see his features; the handsome form of Jaime Lannister was etched in her memory.

He plunked himself down next to her unceremoniously. Brienne nearly gasped – he was not only shirtless, but wearing damp, clingy red boxer briefs. He should have looked ridiculous. She tried and failed not to stare. His cock was, thankfully, soft. Thankfully? Maybe not. A girl does like a little eye candy now and then, right?

"Wench," Jaime greeted her.

"Jaime." She really needed to come up with a good nickname for him.

"I saw you from the beach, flashing those long stems of yours. Couldn't decide if you were signaling the camera or me," Jaime picked up a small stone and bounced it in his palm, glancing up at her from his fringe of blond hair.

"Neither," Brienne said, annoyed. "It looks like you assumed it was for you, though."

"Wasn't it? Are they paying you something extra for the good TV? Teasing has to be worth something to them." Curiously, Jaime sounded just as aggrieved as she did.

"Do you see any cameras?" Brienne asked.

Jaime looked around. "Well, no. Not unless they've got us on satellite, which I doubt."

"So we're alone?" Brienne felt a little edge of excitement at this almost forbidden moment with her tormenter. Involuntarily she glanced at his underwear again. Still soft.

"We are," Jaime said in surprise.

"Then I think I should tell you that I believe you are a rotten brother," Brienne rushed to say, "How could you be so unkind as to steal the one woman that Tyrion is interested in?"

"Oh ho, then, have I stolen you somehow?" Jaime smirked at her, too pleased to look contrite.

"I didn't mean me!" Brienne scoffed, "I meant Tysha. He likes Tysha, and now you've gone and bedded her and taken her until the next ceremony."

"I… he likes Tysha? But you and he…?" Jaime looked baffled; she could almost hear the wheels cranking in his head.

"Duh. I think you should give the poor man his chance with her," Brienne said, "Let him have her in his room."

"Hm. And where would that leave you and me?"

"Oh," Brienne hadn't thought this through. "I guess I could sneak in and stay with you? We could just do like Tyrion and I did. Maybe that would work, do you think?"

Jaime actually blushed. "I think we might just manage that, Wench."

Brienne's eyes darted to his nether regions one more time. Huh. She wasn't expecting that response to the idea of a night of popcorn and jumping on the bed.


Gif by the lovely Wackygoofball!

Chapter Text

Chapter 31 by Ellethom


Jaime pulled at the absurdity around his neck and tugged one of the gaudy pieces free. “I cannot believe I am suffering the indignity of a Luau.”

Tyrion was little help; they had to whittle through this night on the beach with twelve other couples, all in various stages of in flagrante. The red headed friend of the wench was giggling madly with some smarmy looking Iron Islander that Jaime was certain he had seen on Westerosi Most Wanted. The Targaryen vixen was draped over BlueBeard, and Lysa and Ramsay...well some things could not be unseen, nor washed out with a gallon of bleach.

Tyrion patted his knee. “Just a few measly hours and we can play the old switcheroo.” His brother waggled his eyebrows at him over the rim of his fluorescent drink.

“I may be rendered blind by then.” Jaime muttered as squeals from an unknown couple reminded him to keep his eyes on the bonfire and not let them wander. “It's amazing what otherwise sane people will do in front of a camera.”

“Who says they are otherwise sane?” Tyrion laughed. “And anyway, it's all for show. You and your giant have been quite the fodder for camera antics.”

“That date was a disaster.” Jaime said.

“Oh? What did you do? Take Mr. Happy out for a breather?”

“What? NO!” But it was too late, Tyrion was nothing if not sharp.

“What did you do Jaime?”

“It's not...oh to hell with it.” Jaime grinned suddenly as the tall blond made her way over to their stretch of paradise.

Brienne looked as awkward as ever in her Hawaiian style dress that Jaime was certain had been fobbed onto her.

The camera zoomed in as Brienne sat next to Tyrion. Tysha joined the group to make a quartet. Jaime leaned over his brother. “Maybe we should give these two some privacy. “He stage whispered to Brienne.

“The cameras are on us, Jaime.” Brienne sing songed to him. “I’d hate to give a show when there is no show to see.”

“We could make one,” Jaime fired back. He scooted closer into Tyrion’s personal space. “In fact, we could give them a grand show.”

Tyrion spread his arms in an attempt to free himself from whatever unresolved sexual tension hell the too tall idiots were trying to trap him into. “Much as I would love to spend years in therapy over this, I think I shall take the shorter woman for a walk.” He rose to his feet and offered his hand to Tysha. “And as an added bonus, I will take the lovely cameraman with us.”

Pod squeaked at the order, but oddly followed the two as they made their way across the beach. “That was damn nice of him.” Jaime smiled. “Alone at last.”

“Your attention please!” Oberyn’s voice came from the other end of the grouping. “Yesterday we announced the arrival of a new maiden and we are pleased to bring her to you, now. She is sure to spice things up!”



Chapter Text

Chapter 32 by downlookingup


Tysha was confused. She was paired up with Jaime, but now Tyrion was leading her away for a walk down the beach so his brother could have alone time with Brienne. If she was being honest with herself, it was almost a relief: Jaime seemed strangely fixated with making out. Whenever she tried to talk to him or get to know him, he’d kiss her to shut her up. Maybe he’s a sex addict, she thought. Or perhaps he didn’t have anything interesting to say. It was, sadly, quite common with men as handsome as him.

Tyrion handed her a glass with a strong-smelling golden liquid. “What is this?”

“Firewine,” he said.

She took a sip, and it immediately opened up her sinuses and unclogged every pore. “Seven hells,” she gasped, and Tyrion burst out laughing.

“Hey, do you know why the Myrish invented firewine?”

“Why?” she wheezed.

“So ugly dwarves would have a chance at having sex,” he deadpanned.

Tysha wondered how to react for all of five seconds before she started laughing, and Tyrion joined in.

“I’ve got one,” she said. “What did the pirate say on his eightieth birthday?”


She covered one eye with her hand and growled, “Aye, matey.”

Tyrion hooted, clutching his stomach. Firewine spilled over his hand with every chortle.

“Okay, okay,” he said, “what’s the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants?”

“I have no idea, but I bet it’s a good one.”

“One’s a crusty bus station and the other one’s a busty crustacean.”

Tears were spilling from their eyes at this point. Tysha was suddenly aware of the camera shining a light on them. She smiled at it.

“What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?”

The camera man gasped. “You can’t say that on TV!”

“What?” Tyrion said.

“The man!”

They fell on the sand laughing, clutching at each other. Tysha hadn’t laughed so hard since… she couldn’t even remember. Certainly not with Jaime, the kiss-obsessed airhead. Tyrion, on the other hand… he wasn’t as handsome as his brother, even if she looked past the height thing. But he was definitely far more interesting.


Chapter Text

Chapter 33 by bearsofair


When the sun began to set, the maidens and stags began to make their way back to the luau where they could enjoy food and drinks by a fire pit. Jaime had been enjoying himself, chatting with Brienne, and making her laugh. There was just one problem. The producers were so kind as to provide everyone with grass skirts, flowered leis, and coconut bras for the ladies. Jaime was not enjoying his grass skirt.

“It’s itchy,” Jaime whined to Brienne.


Manip by the lovely Wackygoofball!


“You’re fine,” Brienne said exasperated. “This coconut bra isn’t too comfortable either.”

“I have grass in…places,” Jaime whined. “I have grass in my ass.”

“Seven, hells, Jaime! Tell me you have underwear on under there!”

“Nope!” he said proudly, “It's all me under here. My underwear was wet, remember?” He savored the way Brienne was looking at him in a way that suggested she was weirded out yet intrigued.

“Oh, Tyrion and Tysha are back from their walk!” she said changing the subject and nodding over his shoulder to where Oberyn was bestowing them with luau apparel. The disgusted look on Tyrion’s face upon receiving them was priceless. Jaime couldn’t help but laugh. He and Tyrion had had their differences while in Paradise, but his brother seemed genuinely happy with Tysha. And now that Brienne was free...

“Tyrion doesn’t look happy about his grass skirt either,” said Brienne.

“No, he doesn’t. These cocktail parties are always so cheesy.” replied Jaime. In truth, Jaime was eager to get the party over with. He was far more interested in seeing what would become of the new sleeping arrangements tonight.

“May I have your attention please!” said Oberyn clinking a glass. “It’s time for you all to say hello to Paradise’s new maiden!”

And with that, a petite, black haired girl with brown skin walked into the middle of the room. Jaime didn’t particularly find her attractive. In truth, she looked like an angry little boy. Maybe she had some sort of connection to the producers of the show.

“I am Tyene Sand,” said the girl smiling seductively. “There’s just one thing you should know about me. I’m up for anything,” she said smiling in Jaime’s direction. “And I mean anything,” she added. But then Jaime realized Tyenne wasn’t looking at him. She was looking past him. She was looking at Brienne.


Manip by the lovely Wackygoofball!



Chapter Text

Chapter 34 by bergamot


Crazy-Ass Wonder Gif made by bearsofair! from a manip by Wackygoofball


Alarm bells sounded in Jaime’s brain. He tried to move discreetly between the new girl and Brienne. He didn’t like the way Tyene Sand was looking at her—like a snake fixed on a snake charmer’s flute. Was she... was she even swaying slightly, too?

It would have been a smooth move, too—possessive, just the right mixture of manly yet respectful. He could imagine turning around at the end of the ceremony, giving Brienne an inviting look, one she couldn’t miss the meaning of, and then whisking her away to their shared room for the night.

If it hadn’t been for those damned luau skirts.

The grass from Jaime’s skirt caught in the grass of Brienne’s, and when he moved, the whole thing slid right off him. The skirts had only been tied together with a grass tie at the back—he shouldn’t have been surprised, this show had cheap production written all over it.

The grass slid down his legs, scratchy, humiliating.

Behind him, Brienne gasped. The cameras swiveled like big cyclops eyes. They panned down slowly. Jaime jumped and put his hands between his legs to block their view. Seven hells!

“Jaime!” Brienne hissed, “Your skirt!”

He gritted his teeth. “Yes, I know.”

There was no way out of this with his dignity intact. It had been an almost good day. He’d managed to wrangle Brienne away from his brother; Tyrion had found a woman he seemed to genuinely like. Jaime had even perfected the oft-disastrous method of lounging in the sun in damp underwear—a feat that could go terribly wrong if one had an inadequate set of anatomy.

Fortunately, Jaime didn’t have that problem. Brienne’s red-headed friend was staring at Jaime with renewed interest. Across the room, Tysha looked slightly annoyed. Oberyn’s face was a little boy on his birthday, and Tyrion? Well, Tyrion was bent over with silent laughter.

Perhaps he should let his hands drop and really give them a show? One look at Pod’s mortified, bright red face cured him of that notion. Instead, he turned around

“If you’ll excuse me, wench,” he said with as much poise as he could muster, “I seem to be in need of a new grass skirt.”

The remains of his skirt were still tangled in the front of hers, but Brienne didn’t seem to notice. She flicked her eyes down to Jaime’s hands. Jaime cleared his throat. “Oh,” whispered Brienne, at least having the decency not to laugh, “right.”

She stepped aside and allowed Jaime to pass. He flexed his buttocks, kept his hands firmly in place, and strode down the walkway toward the resort.

The image of Jaime’s perfect ass would be seared into her mind forever. If Brienne really was going home in a night or two, at least she’d always have that. She stared after him, when a warm hand caressed her elbow.

Brienne jumped and looked down to find Tyene Sand standing at her elbow. Tyene winked seductively. “Looks like you need a new partner.”



Chapter Text

Chapter 35 by FaerieChild


As Jaime walked away Brienne could almost feel the camera zooming in on her as the red blush rushed up her neck. “Just for the record I'm not...I mean not that there's anything wrong with...” Brienne cut herself off and turned around to stalk after Jaime. Walking stark naked all the way to his room without protection would probably get him arrested.

“Why are you following me, Wench?”

“So, we're back to Wench, are we?”

“You'll have to excuse me if I don't turn to face you to continue the argument.” Jaime glanced over his shoulder and stalked off into the darkness.

Lingering on the edge of the camera lights, Brienne could see that down on the beach the petite blonde with the power complex had come stalking forwards – Daeny, Brienne remembered – and introduced herself to Tyenne. Brienne knew should stay, maybe even spend a few moments with some of the other ladies, but Brienne wanted to grab some of her stuff before Tyrion got back to their room and she didn't want Jaime being so embarrassed that he locked himself in his room and she was stuck outside.

Really, Brienne was glad of the opportunity to fade into the background once more and decided to head further along the beach where it was darker and return to her room by the back approach. It seemed Jaime had the same idea, for she could see him in the distance trying to discreetly work out the quietest way to get back with some shred of dignity.

Up ahead, part of Jaime wanted Brienne to run and catch up with him, but a smaller voice reminded him they would attract less attention if she discreetly followed at a distance. Still, he found himself slowing his pace and Brienne soon caught up enough to hold a conversation while staying at a polite distance on account of his undress.

“I guess we've had quite the evening, huh?” Jaime observed.

“You might say that,” Brienne's unamused, impassive expression stayed but when she saw a glimmer of vulnerability in his eyes her shoulders relaxed. Marginally. “Come, this way. We can enter through the crew and production staff's area of the hotel.”

“Why would we go that way?”

“Because they're all working, Jaime, and it will be quieter.” It was awkward for him to walk while cupping his privates and he was so distracted with trying to maintain some shred of modesty that he wasn't paying attention and as they wound their way through the private 'crew' area of the hotel grounds, Jaime turned a corner to find himself crashing straight into Brienne's strong back.

“Hey!” Jaime protested.

Brienne ignored him and continued to stare into the distance. “Jaime, is that what I think it is?”

Slowly, Jaime peered around Brienne's shoulder and grinned. “Is that a hot tub?”

No one noticed the off-duty cameraman on his break nearby quietly pick up his camera and start rolling.



Chapter Text

Chapter 36 by Mgsmurf


A hot tub, Brienne almost frowned. Then she looked behind her shoulder to Jaime's wide grin, and she thought about him being naked, his amazing ass, and the joust.

Not that Brienne had a choice as Jaime was already sliding into the warm water.

“What about the cameras?” Brienne leaned and looked around. The light in here was dim, but she did not see any cameramen about.

“What cameras?” Jaime smirked and spread his arms out wide in invitation.

Manip by the lovely Wackygoofball!


Brienne sighed and gave the shadows a last look for cameramen. Then, she untied her skirt and let it fall to the ground. She still had on her bikini bottom, and the coconut shells. By the time she stepped into the water, Jaime had found the button for the jets and any glimpse she might have caught of him was obscured by bubbles.

Her heart pounded in her chest. Why was she so nervous? Jaime wanted his brother to be matched up with the woman Tyrion liked, but that meant nothing about Jaime being actually interested in her.

Brienne shifted from where she sat on the steps of the hottub to one of the seats with jets on the same side as Jaime. He smiled over at her, and she couldn't quite read what was in his green eyes. Brienne leaned back and let the jet at her back work out kinks. She sighed.

Then, she noticed her coconut top lift with the bubbles and float away. Brienne quickly covered her meager breasts with her arm. A blush rose on her cheeks.

Jaime looked at her chest. “Only fair you're almost as unclad as I am, right?” He smirked.

Brienne tilted her head. “However, you can't see your lack of clothing on... important places.”

Jaime shrugged and slid over a seat to the one beside her. The problem with a hot tub was that the seats were not really made for large people. There was some awkward moving of arms until Jaime just draped one over her shoulder, theirs sides flush. She could feel his clearly bare hip against hers.

Brienne turned to glare at him, but that put her nose rubbing against his. She sucked in a surprised breath, just before Jaime angled his face and kissed her. The kiss was tentative as if asking permission, not at all what she thought Jaime would be like. Brienne kissed him back, opened her mouth, ran her tongue along his lips.

Jaime removed her arm from her chest and then cupped one of her breasts. It seemed to fit perfectly in his palm. They both turned to better face each other. Jaime's hand slid down to her ass. Brienne found her hands traveling down Jaime's sculpted chest and resting on his muscled thighs. Jaime moaned and shifted, and one of Brienne's hands slipped between his legs to his...

Oh, my gods, she thought, to his cock, clearly hard and standing at attention. She sputtered and pulled out of the kiss, her cursed hand betraying her by remaining in place.


Chapter Text

Chapter 37 by Nurdles


Brienne desperately wanted to let go, to jerk her hand back like she'd touched something hot (which she had), but Jaime had slipped a hand down to cover hers, and he was slowly guiding it up and down as he leaned in to kiss her neck.

Brienne was panicked but frozen. Was he guiding her because he sensed her inexperience? What if someone walked in? Why couldn't they make hot tubs deeper so she could keep her tits beneath the surface?

The air was cool on her breasts and she was trying to slouch lower when she felt Jaime's warm lips close on one of her nipples. She made a noise that wasn't exactly a groan or a moan, but reminded her of one of those weird giggle sticks sold in novelty stores. Jaime chuckled and let her breast slide from his mouth.

"Was that you?" He asked before moving his lips toward the other side.

"I'm afraid so," she gasped as he captured the other nipple.

"Mmm, sexy," he said around a mouthful.

Brienne realized that his hand was no longer guiding hers under the water, but she was still pumping his throbbing cock. Should she stop?

Jaime groaned low in his throat, and whispered her name, "Brienne. I just knew you'd be good."

Where had his hand gone? One was up pinching her nipple the other was…was… "Um, Jaime –"


"I'm not sure this is appropriate here and now," Brienne said, trying to keep her voice low enough to be audible to humans.

Jaime looked up at her, a grin across his face like he'd won first prize in the science fair. "You know, if you want to sit on the edge of the tub I'd be happy to use my mouth on you first. Besides, lubrication is difficult in chlorinated water like this."

The thought of it made Brienne's head swim. If she'd only had more to drink… His fingers were stroking under her bikini bottom, lazy, coaxing little strokes. His eyes were avid, encouraging. "It is a little hot in here, I'll admit. Maybe being out of the water would make me feel less dizzy?"

"A fine idea, Wench. Give my cock a minute to calm down as well," he smirked.

Brienne abruptly released it, realizing with chagrin that she'd been holding it quite tightly and as she'd been stroking it his hips had begun moving and she'd sped up to accompany them. She scooted up onto the ledge.

"Bottoms off," Jaime told her, pulling on the leg band with one finger.

Well, she was already topless. She quickly shucked her knickers to join the coconut bra at the bottom of the tub. Jaime moved in and parted her thighs. "Gods," he sighed.

A rumbling groan came to Brienne's ears then. "Was that you?" She asked.

"I thought it was you."

It was only then that they noticed the formerly off-duty cameraman, his lens focused on them and his hand busily pumping his own exposed erection.



Chapter Text

Chapter 38 by downlookingup


Brienne froze, Jaime’s hand on her thigh. The cameraman’s face was hidden behind the camera, which was aimed between her legs. She snapped them shut, and the man’s hand stopped on his stubby pink prick. When he lowered the camera, she gasped. It was Tormund, the guy who had helped her with her bags the day she arrived. The way he’d stared at her had made her uncomfortable, but this was taking creepiness to another level.

Jaime jumped into action first, literally leaping out of the tub. “What the fuck, asshole?” he shouted, stalking naked across the deck to the camera man.

Brienne dove under the water to retrieve her bikini bottom and the stupid coconut bra. By the time she surfaced, Jaime had smashed the man’s camera and was holding him by the neck against the wall. Tormund was fairly taller than Jaime, but he wasn’t trying to get away.

When Brienne got closer, she realized why. Jaime had a vice-like grip on Tormund’s pillar and stones. Beneath his thick red beard, the man was grimacing. “That fucking hurts, man.”

Jaime shook him. “Does that footage get automatically uploaded somewhere?”

“No, it’s stored on a memory card. Come on, man.

“Tell her how to remove it,” Jaime ordered.

“Chill out, man, I’ll make you a copy if you want.”

Jaime twisted Tormund’s balls. The man yelped in pain. “I don’t want a copy. I want you to tell her how to get the memory card out.”

“There’s a slot on the right hand side,” Tormund whined, “next to the auxiliary port.”

Brienne picked up the remains of the camera and located the card slot.

Tormund continued: “Flip the door open and push on the card.”

She did as he said and the card popped out. She grabbed it and let the camera drop with a loud clang. Gods, she hoped they didn’t charge them for the camera.

“Is that it?” Jaime asked. “Do you have a backup?”

“No, man, I swear.”

“If you’re lying, I’ll personally find you wherever you are and make sure this—“ He clenched the man’s sack until his knuckles turned white. “—doesn’t work again. Is that clear?”

“Yes, yes! Just let go, please!”

Jaime released him, and Tormund fell on the ground like a heavy bag of potatoes. And for good measure, Jaime tugged his jeans off and put them on, leaving the pervert on the ground in his underwear.

She shouldn’t have been in the mood for anything other than crawling under a rock forever, but seeing Jaime go to town on that freak had done something to her. She never thought watching a man handle another man’s equipment would make her want to fuck the first man’s brains out. There’s a first time for everything, she thought.

When they finally reached Jaime’s room, though, all thoughts of sex left her mind. Margaery was waiting for her on the floor outside the room, her face streaked with tears.



Chapter Text

Chapter 39 by ikkiM


Banner by Effulgent!


Brienne went straight to Margaery and gave her an awkward hug. She looked at Jaime, who was softly banging his head against the doorframe and holding up Tormund’s jeans. Margaery leeched herself to Brienne and began wailing. Brienne caught Jaime’s eye and shrugged.

Brienne shuffled Margaery inside their room sitting her on the bed. Jaime grabbed a pair of pajama pants and went to change. Brienne slipped on a t-shirt and yoga pants and Margaery sobbed out her story.

Apparently, Margaery had been talked into auditioning for the show by her brother, casting director Loras Tyrell. Margaery had agreed only if Sansa and Brienne were contestants as well. Loras had asked Margaery to strike up a relationship with Renly. So she did. And Margaery liked Renly, really liked him, he made her feel like a Queen.

Margaery was in full wail when Jaime returned, now wearing a pair of pants that fit and carrying a tray of fruity beverages. Brienne rolled her eyes at him. The last thing she wanted was a drunk Margaery. Jaime waggled his brows and made a sleeping motion with his head and clasped hands. Brienne urged Margaery to go on.

The brown-haired girl continued through her tears, “And you know how important it is for me to have a man who makes me feel special, right? And Renly did that. He so did. I thought I’d found true love and he would propose and we could get married and we would be the King and Queen of the Maidens and Stags franchise, appearing on every season to give advice to the couples. But Briennnnneeee,” Margaery drew out the name, “I caught Renly making out with Loras on one of the snogging divans on the beach.” Margaery burst into sobs again.

Brienne tried hard not to look at Jaime who was working hard himself at not bursting into laughter. She gave him a disapproving look and he only grinned, taking a sip of his fruity drink before pointing at it and mouthing, Renly. Brienne shook her head emphatically. Margaery wailed even more.

Brienne reached out a comforting hand to pat Margaery on the shoulder. Her friend latched on, pulling Brienne into a hug.

“Well, Marg, I mean, you only met him four days ago. What do you even know about him?”

“But I wanted to be Quuuueeeeennn,” Margaery sobbed. “And I felt a real, deep, true, meaningful connection with him, Brienne. I know I did. I was falling in love.”

Brienne snorted at that. “You can’t fall in love in four days, Margaery.”

She looked up and met Jaime’s eyes, doubting the truth of her own words.



Chapter Text

Chapter 40 by Shareece


An hour later

He was never getting laid. 

Jaime sighed as he listened to Brienne try to console Margaery unsuccessfully.  He lifted his head from the back of the chair and glanced over at Brienne again, groaning himself as he caught sight of Brienne’s very long legs again.   He tilted his head, imagining in his mind’s eye what it would feel like to have them wrapped around his body as he was inside her. He bit his lip as he felt his cock come to life.  He clenched and unclenched his hands as he interrupted one of Margaery’s wails. “Just pretend.”

Both Margaery and Brienne turned their heads to look at him.  “What do you mean?” Margaery asked, wiping the tears away as she sniffled.

Jaime rolled his eyes. “You can still be queen. All you two have to do is pretend you’re falling in love with each other. He gets to stay close to your brother and you get your crown. Simple as that.”

Brienne gave him a disapproving frown. “Jaime, I don’t think that’s—“

“A wonderful Idea!” Margaery cut in, her previously sad eyes now shinning with happiness.

Brienne frowned. “Margaery, I don’t think—“  She trailed off as Margaery squealed and kissed Jaime on the cheek. 

“I’ll go tell Renly. I’m sure he’ll agree to this plan. I’m going to be queen!!”  With that she bounded out of the room.

“See how easy that was?” Jaime asked as Brienne continued to glare at him disapprovingly. “What?” He asked. “I got her to go didn’t I?”

Brienne sighed as she shook her head. “But lying—“

He raised an eyebrow. “And how different is it that we’ll be lying this very evening for Tysha and Tyrion.”

Brienne opened her mouth to reply, but closed it with a snap. He grinned triumphantly before standing up and making his way over toward her. “Now,” he said, pulling her up so that she was standing. She still had on the coconut bra and grass skirt. “Where were we?”

Brienne gave him a shy smile before pulling him to her for another heated kiss.

Jaime groaned and he tightened his arms about her to pull her closer.  He quickly opened his mouth to her own, sliding his tongue against hers in a fight for dominance. His hands quickly made work of the coconut bra, tossing I over his shoulder as she slid out of her grass skirt and bikini bottoms. He gently pushed her back against the bed with one hand, one unbuttoning his very uncomfortable jeans with the other. He slid them down his legs, lifting both legs as he fought to get them off, cursing as they tangled around his ankles.

“Ow!” Brienne shouted as he stumbled forward, knocking their heads together.  She rubbed her forehead, smiling in amusement as Jaime continued to struggle with his jeans.

Jaime hopped one footed as he finally pulled himself free. “I’ve made my pants yield—oh!”  He trailed off with a groan as Brienne pulled him down on top of her. 



Chapter Text

Chapter 41 by bearsofair


She savored the feel of his skin sliding against hers. The way his chest hair tickled her breasts. The way his mouth devoured hers. Finally being able to run her fingers through his thick golden hair. Finally being able to explore each other's bodies. It seemed ridiculous that she, Brienne, who had been such a cynic about the show, was lying in bed with a man she had met only days ago. But here she was, ready and willing. And with the way he looked down upon her with a heated gaze, boy was she ever ready and willing. It all seemed too good to be true.

*Bang, bang, bang.*

Their heads snapped up and they both looked towards the door where the insistent pounding was coming from.

“Jaime? Brienne? Open up! Now!”

“It’s Oberyn,” she whispered. “He sounds angry...he must have found out about the broken camera and that pervy cameraman. You shouldn’t have touched him! We have to go! Hand me my clothes.”

Jaime whimpered against her neck. He actually whimpered. It was the most desperate and needy sound she had ever heard fall from the lips of a grown man. He made no effort to get off of her, but he resolutely shifted his weight, pressing her even further into the soft mattress with purpose. He continued to kiss his way along her collarbone, dipping his head lower and lower.

“Jaime! Get up! We have to go!” she yelled slapping him across the back, but that only seemed to urge him on. His hips thrust against her thigh on their own accord.

“No,” he growled in a way that suggested that he was determined to have her. Oberyn be damned. “He’ll give up and go away. Just...please...I need--”

“Open the fucking door! I have security with me!” called Oberyn.

“Jaime, we can do this later. I promise. I want to as much as you do. But right now we really need to--ohhh.” She lost ability to form a coherent sentence and was reduced only to a long keening moan. Damn. Could Oberyn and his security crew hear her from the hall? It didn’t seem to matter. Jaime’s perfect lips had found her nipple, his tongue eagerly circling it, while his hand blazed a trail down her abdomen, finding its way to the wet heat between her thighs.

“You were saying?” he teased, “Something about wanting me to stop?”

“No, don’t stop. Please!” she said breathlessly. Now she sounded just as desperate and needy as him. She pulled his lips back down towards hers, unable to get enough of him.

She knew that they really should face Oberyn. She knew that she should be mortified that her moans were becoming entirely too loud. But beneath Jaime’s ministrations, she found that she couldn’t bring herself to care.

And then Jaime removed is hand, positioned himself between her thighs, and he was close. So close.

“Last warning!” bellowed Oberyn thumping on the door again, this time with much more force.



Chapter Text

Chapter 42 by justme


"Yeah, what he said...," Jaime whispered, a downright devilish smile on his face, "last warning."

The heated gaze he gave her made Brienne shiver. He was holding himself up above her, trembling, his ragged breath showing how desperate he was to move that final inch. And Gods, she wanted him to do just that, too. Swallowing hard, Brienne lifted her head to nod and give him permission.

Then the door burst open and Oberyn stood in the doorframe, rubbing his shoulder. Behind him a security guard who was trying to peek into the room.

"What the fuck?", Jaime yelled. He whipped his head around, but didn't move aside from that in order to shield Brienne from being seen any more than what couldn't be helped. Which was rather thoughtful of him, Brienne thought, considering she couldn't move out of sheer shock.

"An excellent question: What the fuck? What the fuck were you thinking assaulting a cameraman?"

"Oberyn, get the fuck out right now and take your lackey with you or else.."

He didn't finish his sentence but the growl in which he had spoken the beginning of it already implied the 'or else' would be painful at best. While the director turned around after a long last glance at Jaime's naked ass, shooing the security guard away, he didn't leave or close the door.

"I'm afraid we will have to talk about this now. Are you coming?"

Jaime groaned, his forehead falling onto her shoulder.

"Unfortunately not anytime soon", he muttered. Brienne finally found control over her limbs again and started pushing against him to get him off her. He hissed when her lower body bumped against his and the inside of her thigh came in contact with him. He was still...? Wow. Scrambling to the side, she covered herself with the sheet and sat up. Jaime was a lot slower to move and remained where he was a few moments more before grabbing the pillow to cover himself and sitting next to her.

"Talk", he commanded.

"Our camera guy is threatening to file a report with the authorities if no sanctions against you are imposed. Not to mention the camera you destroyed."

"He was filming us in the hottub", Brienne tried to explain.

"You were in a common area and filming you in those means doing his job."

Jaime sneered.

"As far as I know, pulling your own little pork while filming is not a job description for cameraman."

"That is of course unacceptable and will be dealt with too, but the fact that you bodily assaulted him remains. What I should do is kick you off this island immediately, but then we'd be short a stag and halting production until the substitute is flown in is costly. So, you tell me: What should I do with you?"

"I have no idea, but something tells me you do."

"You're right. Unfortunately for the production we seem to have a cast that doesn't really bring the drama reality tv needs. So, tomorrow, you two will create some drama for me. Do we have a deal?“



Chapter Text

Chapter 43 by FaerieChild


While Jaime had been speaking to Oberyn, Brienne raided Jaime's suitcase and pulled on a t-shirt and a pair of his boxers. With Oberyn's ultimatum Brienne stepped forwards, pulling Jaime behind her.

“Mister Martell, the events on this island take place because we have signed a contract, a contract consenting to be filmed. So, you can imagine my disquiet when we found a member of the crew exposing himself and masturbating in a manner that constitutes sexual harassment.”

“He was doing his job,” Oberyn stepped forwards threateningly.

“Tormund was on his break meaning his behaviour took place when he was not working and his sexual behaviour was not only non-consensual but actually constitutes a criminal offense. If Jaime was somewhat over-zealous in his attempts at self-defence, he does of course apologise.”

“No, I don't!”

“Yes,” Brienne ground out. “You do.”

Jaime whipped out his most sarcastic smile. “Right. I apologise.”

“So unless you want your programme mired in a sexual harassment lawsuit, I suggest we all promise not to let this ever happen again and we all go to bed.”

Something in Oberyn's demeanour shifted, but he wasn't prepared to give up quite yet. “It's your word against his.”

Jaime stepped forwards to stand at Brienne's side. “Well, I honestly can't blame him for getting the hots for me all naked-”

A voice in the background shouted, “Oi! Lannister! I am not fucking gay, alright? I was wanking to your bird's titties you fucking asshole!”

Jaime grinned smugly. “My work here is done.”

“This isn't over.”

Oberyn turned around and stormed back out of the room, his entourage following in his wake.

Brienne ground her teeth and stared at the closed door, her hand fisting so hard her knuckles turned white as Jaime turned to her with concern in his eyes. The moment they'd shared earlier was gone. Now he just felt exhausted. “Come on, lets get our beauty sleep.”

“I'm not tired.”

“Great, then I call first dibs on the bathroom!”

Brienne groaned, as Jaime rushed to the en suite with an evil cackle that almost certainly meant it would be a week before he emerged again.

When Brienne finally got her turn and crawled into bed some time later, Jaime had already turned out the light. He watched her from the bed, lying with his head propped up on one arm, admiring the way her hips fitted his boxers. It felt oddly domestic, seeing her like this. Watching her brush her teeth in the light of the bathroom doorway, seeing her wear his clothes to bed. She looked exhausted, Jaime noted and as she tentatively moved towards the bed Jaime tried to remember the last time he had looked forward to going to bed with someone and just sleeping.

Brienne sat on the edge of the bed, swung her feet in under the sheets and lay down. Every part of her was stiff and tense from Jaime's proximity, which was strange after what they'd nearly done earlier but somehow in the quiet of the room as Jaime's eyes lay on her she felt the intimacy of the moment hovering in the air.

She felt, more than heard Jaime. A shifting in the mattress, an arm around her waist. The softness of his breath on the back of her neck. “Is this ok?” Jaime whispered.

Brienne nodded stiffly. She lifted her head slightly, trying to see him and found his lips pressing a gentle kiss to her cheek. “Good night, Brienne.”

Brienne relaxed into his arms, “Good night, Jaime.”



Chapter Text

Chapter 1 by ikkiM


Jaime woke to an unfamiliar heaviness across his body and an odd snorty, breathing in his ear. He looked over and smiled, Brienne. He shifted beneath her, trying to regain feeling in his arm. She reached up, scratched her face and smacked her lips together. He felt his cock stir.

Before he could act on anything, the painful sound of that Rupert Holmes song blasted from the alarm clock at the side of the bed,

Do you like pina coladas
And getting caught in the rain

Brienne sat straight up and her hands smacked against the covers as if searching for a weapon or the snooze button. He reached over and turned off the alarm. She turned to him, her eyes blue and blinking. He rose to pull her into his arms and finally finish what they’d started the night before when the house phone rang. Brienne picked it up and said “Hello.”

Jaime could hear a squawking on the other end of the line followed by a stream of vague questions and affirmative responses from Brienne. She hung up and turned to him.

He smiled at her, lazy and inviting, beckoning her to lean back against him, greet him with a good morning kiss. Instead she sighed and rose from the bed.

“That was Sansa,” she said. “We are all supposed to meet for breakfast this morning so we can ‘talk through some issues’ that have arisen with the production.”

“You mean they are going to fire that ginger flasher?” Jaime asked as he watched her stretch, her arms rising to the sky and then she bent down to touch her toes.

She caught him and blushed. “I don’t know. It seems we weren’t the only drama last night. After the Margaery and Renly incident, it seems Amy and Hyle evaded their assigned camera person, Tyene threw some kind of fit, Dany got her hair caught in something and is demanding the show provide her with a wig and according to Sansa, Lysa and Ramsay are ‘creeping everyone out.’ She didn’t really explain and I’m not sure I want to know. We need to be in the big room off the tiki bar in thirty minutes.”

Jaime waggled his brows, “Thirty minutes?”

Brienne blushed to the roots of her hair and looked away.

Thirty minutes wasn’t nearly enough time for him even to explore her legs, let alone anything between them. He sighed. “We should shower then.”

She nodded.

They were the last to arrive and took their seats at the conference table.

“As there have been some issues here in Paradise, we have decided to speed things along. Normally there are three days between each coupling ceremony. However, we have decided that a more irregular schedule will force our Maidens and Stags to truly face their feelings. That being said, our next coupling ceremony will take place tonight.”

There was an audible gasp from the newest Maiden, Tyene.

Oberyn turned to her, “Do not fear that you’ll not have a chance to find love in Paradise. Since you have had so little time here, you are being awarded a date card, and not just any date card, you can take three Stags on a date with you today. The coupling ceremony will begin one hour after you return.”



Chapter Text

Chapter 45 by Nurdles


If anyone expected Tyene to be happy with this arrangement, they were sorely disappointed. She stood and walked up to Oberyn. Perhaps "walked" wasn't the right term. Slithered, slinked, and (Brienne thought) oozed might be more appropriate. Her hips swung and swiveled like the Zipper ride at the county fair.

"While I appreciate the attempt to make up for my inconvenience," she said in a voice so sultry even Oberyn shivered, "I'd like to protest my being allowed only three stags. Isn't it time to bring this contest into the current century?"

Oberyn, looking like the schoolteacher in a Sting song, cleared his throat. "Well, I thought we were actually pretty cutting edge –"

"No, that we are –" Tyene ran a long, lacquered fingernail along his cheek, "not."

"I -" Oberyn was blushing, though on his tanned skinned it actually looked fabulous.

"I want to have the three date cards, with my choice of Stags or Maidens," she laughed throatily, turning to the audience, "What do we say, Stags and Maidens?"

A ragged cheer went up, mostly among the men and perhaps Sansa. Dany was too busy combing her fingers through her wig, obviously spun from alpaca wool, and Brienne and Jaime just looked at each other in confusion.

"Do we have an 'Aye'?" Oberyn asked weakly, "Show of hands, please." With nearly all of the men voting 'aye' along with a few of the women, the motion was carried. Oberyn was now sweating freely, but it was anyone's guess whether it was due to titillation or being thoroughly out of his depth. "Carried," he announced. "Now, on to another little issue caused by some of our recalcitrant contestants – since we are stepping up the Mating Ceremony, we'll need a new Stag sooner rather than later."

"Already?" Brienne hissed to Jaime, who was so engrossed by his slow game of moving his hand up Brienne's thigh that he merely looked at her with dopey green eyes and a questioning smile.

"The new Stag, in order that we may avoid certain lawsuits – " Oberyn looked pointedly at Jaime and Brienne, "Will be our erstwhile cameraman, Tormund."

Tormund stepped out from behind an enormous habanero bush that had been hiding his distinctive hair and beard. His bushy orange eyebrows rose, and his smile was that of a very smug jack-o-lantern. He hitched up his pants and Brienne had to stifle a giggle as they hugged his bulge – a bulge she (accurately) suspected consisted of at least one pair of rolled-up tube socks. He bowed and took a seat next to Sansa, who leered up at him. She'd always had a thing for dudes with wild hair and beards.

"Of course, he doesn't begin until after our next elimination, and will continue his duties as cameraman until then," Oberyn said, looking almost apologetically at Brienne and Jaime, "Union rules, I'm afraid. Also, until the next elimination we're assigning him to our audience's number one couple, Jaime and Brienne."



Chapter Text

Chapter 46 by Mgsmurf


Brienne looked warily at the small tan Tyene. Lysa rambled on to Tyene about something, hopefully not milk related, all while Tyene smiled seductively at Brienne with “come fuck me eyes.” Ron sat on the other side of Tyene, obvious to her flirting. His hand ran up the inside of Tyene's thigh pulling her thin bikini coverup higher.

Brienne inched further away and tried not to blush worse. She made a point of not looking over her shoulder to where Jaime sat outside the house, laughing with Tyrion and Tysha.

Ron had his hand between Tyene's legs now, rubbing so enthusiastically it looked painful. Lysa had a tit out, and rolled the nipple between her fingers. Tyene kept looking at Brienne while they fondled her.

“I'm very sorry, Tyene that you wasted your selection on me,” Brienne said in a surprisingly solid voice, “but I am not, and have never been, interested in woman.”

Lysa scoffed. “A big butch woman like you?” The older woman shook her head. “Do you think pretty Jaime Lannister really fancies you?”

Brienne straightened her back and almost replied that he in fact did and she'd seen plenty of proof of it.

“There's room enough for many loves, right?” Tyene rose, shook off Ron and Lysa, then settled up against Brienne. Ron and Lysa looked at each other with surprise and wariness.

“Perhaps.” Brienne tried to ignore Tyene's dark needy eyes and small groping hands. “But, I am not interested.” Brienne stood up. “Sorry.” Not the first time she'd had this conversation but certainly the pushiest.

Ron stood then and tugged Tyene to her feet. “You still have love, my desert beauty.” He leered at her and dipped to give her a sloppy kiss. Lysa was beside Tyene now, rubbing whatever parts Ron wasn't touching.

Tyene somehow shrugged them both off despite being smaller. She took a step away. “Before we do the group orgy,” she said with a smirk, “I pick,” her hand pointed around in a circle at them all, “you first.” She stopped on Lysa.

Brienne let out a deep sigh she didn't know she'd been holding. Tyene practically jumped on Lysa, making the older woman trill and then giggle. Brienne rolled her eyes and made a point to not look at the two women.

Ron frowned, then leered, then turned to Brienne. He had to look up to her. “Just you and me now, baby.” His leer grew as Brienne's unease did. Ron reached out and cupped her ass. Then he pressed a much unwanted kiss to her lips. His other hand latched on to her breast.

Jaime wasn't around to save her, but by the Seven Brienne did not need Jaime to save her. “Get off,” she told Ron. He only tightened his hand on her ass and her breast and tried to slip his tongue down her throat.

Brienne reared back her hand and slapped Ron hard, perhaps too hard, across the cheek. He flew away from her with an umph.



Chapter Text

Chapter 47 by bearsofair


Ron lay in a crumpled heap on the floor. He touched his nose gingerly where a stream of blood was pouring profusely.

“Stupid, ugly bitch!” he yelled in a fury before spitting a glob of blood at her feet.

“You think I want you? You think any man wants you?

“Sounds like sour grapes to me,” Brienne retorted. “You seemed pretty content with groping me a moment ago.”

“You really think you're something just because that pretty golden boy has been giving you a little attention. We’re not so different, he and I. We’re both perfectly content with using you.”

“You’re nothing like Jaime,” she sneered.

“Oh, no? On day one he seemed pretty set against being here. But I overheard him and that dwarf brother of his yammering on about using the Paradise experience to market their brand. It’s his own stupidity that he decided you were the one he needed to fuck in order to stay. And don't try to deny it. Everyone could hear what was going on in your room last night.”

“Jaime would never…He and I…We never actually…” she stammered tears prickling her eyes.

“Oh, don’t tell me. He got a good look at you and his cock went limp. Face it. You’re wasting your time here. He doesn’t really want you.”

Jaime looked out the patio window, awaiting Brienne’s return from the group date. He knew he could trust Brienne, but he couldn’t help but feel uneasy about the whole situation. He didn’t like the idea of her being with anyone else but him, and he also feared that she might be feeling uncomfortable. Jaime decided he needed a drink.

He turned to head to the tiki bar, but ran into a hulking figure with a stupid red beard.

“I’d be more careful if I were you. You wouldn’t want to break another camera.”

“What the hell are you doing here?” asked Jaime snidely.

“Filming.” Said Tormund.

“Yes, I can see that. Go film somewhere else. The gods know it’s only a matter of time before you whip your cock out.”

“I don’t see the point when your lady friend isn’t even around. Besides, I’ve been assigned to film you. It’s you and me, buddy. And remember, you’re talking to Paradise’s next stag. Do you really want to give me another reason to steal your girl? So where were we? Oh, yes. I need to film another interview of you. So look into the camera and tell me what’s running through your head? How do you feel?” he said with a smirk.



Chapter Text

Chapter 48 by Ellethom


In truth, he had been counting the actual seconds that Brienne had been off on her ‘date.’ He had been sitting at the patio working his way through the bar specials. Gingerwank’s presence just served to agitate his already irritated mood. “Don’t you have somewhere else to be?” he asked the cameraman. “I bet Ramsay Bolton would love to talk on camera about his feelings.”

Gingerwank waved a piece of paper art Jaime with his free hand. “No way, Pretty Man. It says here that you and me are best buds for the day.” Gingerwank grinned a feral sort of thing that only made his face raunchier. “So, tell me what you are feeling.”

Jaime took another swig of his IPO beer and grimaced at the taste. Some people never knew where to stop with the hops. “I’m suddenly feeling like a nap.” He said. Jaime took another look out of the patio window; the wench was currently having some sort of animated discussion with her red haired friend while holding her hand gingerly.

What the fuck?

He stood up and pushed past Gingerwank who managed to step around, pivot and come following him outside. White hot anger brewed within his gut as he advanced upon the pair. The anger on her face was nothing like the the anger that lead her to deck him. This was something new, something different. “Brienne.”

She offered him a watery glare before mumbling something about a hundred showers. “Wait!” He called to her retreating form.

She turned then, with a shake of her head she hurried off with her friend. It was on his tongue to call out to her, but he knew an unattainable situation when he saw one. Besides, Gingerwank would have only followed them and he did not want whatever emotional outburst she was ready to have broadcasted.

They’d done that enough.

“OOO looks like the brave lass had quite the time with her harem.” Gingerwank taunted. “Maybe she isn't so into you after all.”

Jaime growled, rounded on the tall red haired man with his hand raised. “Jaime, why don't we go and have a drink.” Tyrion, the voice of reason, the voice of a thousand rational right shouldered angels had appeared as if sent by the Smith himself.

Jaime considered his brother’s determined and falsely cheery glare. “Jaime,” Tyrion tried again. “Come on, let’s drink.”

Brienne slammed into Sansa’s room and bolted for the bathroom. Her hand was throbbing but it was nothing matched to the throbbing in her head. Ron’s words were bitter, biting and blithe; yet they rolled around her head like her old nanny’s constant slander.

“Brienne, “ Sansa said from the door of the bathroom. “Your hand is a mess, let me help.”

Brienne allowed her friend to take charge of the situation; she was a nurse midwife after all. Sansa gingerly prodded her hand and winced at the torn flesh on the knuckles and the purplish swelling. “Did someone get fresh?”

Brienne laughed at her archaic phrasing. She knew Sansa enough to know her routine for calming patients; let them laugh and forget. “You could say that,” she said as Sansa removed items from the FIrst Aid kit.

“Tyene?” she asked.

Brienne shook her head again. She was ready to answer, to spill the awfulness, but the banging on the door to Sansa’s suite drowned out her thoughts and made her jerk with surprise.



Chapter Text

Chapter 49 by justme


Brienne's head whipped towards the door. What now? Her first thought was that the person on the other side of the door must be Jaime and for one traiterous moment her heart beat faster. But then she remembered that she did not want to see him. That manipulative bastard. If he was here only to promote himself and his surely stupid brand, well that was one thing. But to use other contestants, to use her to do it, to make her believe he genuinely liked her..that was callous and mean. That was probably what he and Tyrion had been laughing about out there. Their successful highlighting of their business and big, gullible Brienne. It seemed her first impression of him being an asshole had been spot on.

Her next thought was that it could be Ron, who surely was past the point of shock over getting punched by a woman now and must've been angry. She didn't want to see him either. For his own safety. Her right hand might be not up for another punch, but she still had her left. And two feet.

Lastly, she thought that it could be Oberyn again, with yet another security guard in tow and a plane ticket for her. After Jaime hitting Tormund by the hottub, the director's patience surely was at its end. And while she didn't want to see him either, getting kicked off the island sounded not like the worst thing that could happen at the moment.

There was another set of bangs against the door, and then, a quiet voice.

"Quickly! You girls have to let me in! I need asylum!"

"You can't let this ginger beardmonster get to you," Tyrion implored while setting down two cocktails on the table in front of Jaime, "he just wants to rile you up, and he's not important here. You know what is."

Brienne, Jaime thought. Brienne had become pretty damn important in little to no time. He sighed.

"Yeah, you're right. I know you're right. I can't get kicked out. If I'm off the island, he will try and steal her."

"Steal? What are you talking about?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Our business? You know, the reason we're here?"

"Oh. Yeah, there's that too."

"Yeah, there's that. We haven't really been doing much in terms of promoting our brand since we got here, you know? And I'll take a wild guess what you were referring to: A certain long-legged blonde?"

"Don't act like you're working hard and I'm the slacker. You and Tysha have been practically inseparable since the luau!"

"Well, I have been working hard when it comes to Tysha, but objection sustained. We've both been slackers when it comes to our daytime job."

"That's better. "

"You know what? Since we've been failing anyway, let's say fuck it! We'll promote ourselves in the aftermath of the show and enjoy our time on this island and with two particular maidens in the meantime."

"Speak for yourself. Something tells me my maiden's mad at me for some reason."

Tyrion shrugged, raising his glass.

"You wouldn't be you if you wouldn't be pissing off someone. It'll smooth over in no time, I'm sure. Cheers."


Gif by the lovely Wackygoofball!

Chapter Text

Chapter 50 by FaerieChild


Brienne peered through the keyhole and saw a frantic looking Jon, his eyes wide with terror and staring off to a spot to the side, out of sight.

Jon knocked on the door even harder. “Ramsey, put the knife down!”

Brienne's eyes widened and she whipped the door open. There, storming in the direction of her door was Ramsey Bolton holding some sort of blade and looking like he was about to commit bloody murder. “SNOW!”

Brienned grabbed Jon's arm and tugged him inside, slamming the door shut in Ramsey's face.

“Explain.” Brienne demanded, “Now.”

“He wants to skin me alive,” Jon shrugged. “I think he thinks I slept with Lysa.”

“Did you sleep with Lysa?”

Jon screwed up his face. “No! I was picking up some condoms from the hotel entrance when Lysa was trying to defend keeping her breast milk in the mini bar and Ramsey got the wrong idea.”

Brienne rolled her eyes. “So you thought you'd ask me for help?” Brienne pushed.

“You seem like the sort of person who can look after herself.”

Brienne wondered for a moment if she was now going to have to defend the honour of all the men on the show, but she didn't have time before the pounding on the door started again. Jon still had a roll of condoms in his hand and he was squeezing it so hard the packaging was squeaking. “Fine. I will protect your dainty honour from the terrifying Ramsey Bolton but in return, you will owe me.”

Jon sighed heavily, “Fine.”

Brienne nodded and then abruptly tugged the door open just as Ramsey ran full tilt towards the door. He tripped over the door sill and faceplanted on the floor where Brienne straddled him and put a knee in his back. In moments he was disarmed and the knife was out of his hand. “Brienne of Tarth. I don't believe we've had the pleasure.”

Ramsey struggled in her arms.

“It seems there has been some sort of misunderstanding.”

“Let me get him you ugly dyke!”

Brienne pressed her knee into Ramsey's kidneys eliciting a yelp of pain. “Insults,” Brienne observed. “How original. Are you going to leave peacefully or do I need to challenge you to a duel?”

At the bar, Jaime and Tyrion collected their latest round of drinks and began to make their way slowly make their way to their accomodation. Down on the beach Missandei and Daario seemed to be getting acquainted.

Tyrion noticed the direction of his gaze and looked over himself before quickly looking away. “Some things you just can't unsee, brother.”

“Tell me about it,” Jaime muttered under his breath.

The ginger wanker was still hovering, the mikes that they were required to wear picking up every piece of their conversation.

“So, you going to pick Brienne tonight then?” Tyrion asked.

Jaime shrugged. “I was thinking about it,” They were nearly at the doorway of the room Tyrion was technically still sharing with Brienne and as they approached an angry looking Ramsey stormed past them. Drawing nearer, Jaime couldn't help but notice the door was open and another man was in there with her. A camera man nearby told Jaime something was going on and Jaime's heart fell as he saw Jon Snow give Brienne a kiss on the cheek and pass a roll of condoms into her hand.


Banner by the lovely Wackygoofball!

Chapter Text

Chapter 51 by Nurdles


Jaime stood frozen, watching the short but broodingly handsome man leave Brienne's room. He was flushed, breathing hard and heading right in his direction.

As he passed Jaime stuck out his hand and stopped him with a hard grip on his shoulder. "Snow," he said, and Jon looked up. His dark puppy dog eyes and pouty mouth did not escape Jaime's notice. Shit, is this what the maidens want?

"Dude," Jon said, "What's up?"

"I uh, noticed you were just in with Brienne."

"Quite a woman, that one," Jon said, nodding. "I needed her bad, and damn, she delivered!" Jon gave a little chuckle. "She knows how to use that strength of hers in amazing ways, I can tell you!"

Jaime was torn between furious and hurt, stymied by his inability to choose whether to deck Jon, run to Brienne and demand or beg she take him back, or give up and go drink some more. "And Bolton? What did you fuckers do, have a threesome?"

"A…threesome? Are you mad? Ramsay wanted me, not Brienne. As if I wanted to drink someone's bodily fluids. I'd rather suckle a yak."

Jaime's face went livid red, "Are you calling my lady a yak?" he growled.

Gif by the lovely Wackygoofball!


"What? No! I told you: she saved me from Ramsay."

"You said you needed her."

"Yeah, Ramsay wanted to kill me. He came after me with a knife." Jon looked pointedly at Jaime's hand, "Now, could you let me go? I'm here to get shagged, and all I've had is grief so far. Anyway, your big girl was in there holding hands with the hot red-headed chick. How's a guy supposed to compete with that?"

Jaime took his hand away and Jon strode away. "Fuck," murmured Jaime before rounding on GingerWank, who was stomping his foot in glee as he continued filming.

"Looks like Mr. Square Jawline isn't exactly getting any, is he? I don't see anyone offering you a hand full of condoms."

"Shut the fuck up, hamster-dick. Tyrion, what the hell have you dragged me into?" Jaime glared at Tyrion, who was bouncing on the heels of his feet.

"I dunno Jaime – can you blame her? That Sansa does look pretty tasty and all. Wish I'd gotten the three-date card," Tyrion mused, "Though to be honest I thought it was three separate dates and not an orgy. I mean, I'm into Tysha, but who-wee, that's some titillating stuff right there."

"Son of a bitch," Jaime growled, "you never told me this place involved public orgies and knife play! I need to get the hell out of here."

"Well, there's your wench now, standing in the doorway and looking at you like she'd like to chew you up and spit you out. I'm sure petite penis here would love to help you figure out what's going on," Tyrion said, catching sight of Tysha off in the distance. "Maybe I should go with you and beg some condoms off of Brienne, if she has any left."



Chapter Text

Chapter 52 by Mgsmurf


Jaime gave Brienne a wane smile. She returned a glare. So, she did not shag Jon Snow. Jaime knew she wasn't into women. Gingerwank followed behind him and Jaime made sure not to glare at him. No need to give Oberyn yet more fuel.

“How did the triple date go?” he asked, trying to seem casual.

Brienne scowled. Jaime tilted his head. “That bad?”

She frowned and flexed her right hand. For a moment Jaime thought he might hit her. Then he noticed her red knuckles. She had hit someone. Who? He wanted to know what dick had pushed her far enough for her to hit him.

“Was it that ass Ron?” he asked. He'd gotten a slimy feeling about the guy.

“Nothing I couldn't handle.” Brienne straightened up.

“Good. That's my girl.” He smiled, and got another glare. “So what did I do?” More glaring. They still stood in the hallway and soon enough others would walk by. “Can we maybe go in and talk?” Jaimed tried to give her his charming smile, the one that usually had women willing to shed clothing he didn't want them to shed.

Brienne huffed and sighed and finally stepped back into the room to allow Jaime, and of course Gingerwank, to follow. Jaime waited a bit, gave another charming smile, cocked his eyebrows, finally asked again, “What did I do?”

She tightened her lips into a frown. “Are you and Tyrion only here to promote your new business?”

“Well....” Jaime's charming smiled turned into a frown. “We were....”

“So you have merely been using me and the attention that...,” Brienne said, pausing to let out a deep sigh, “being with me might have to.... what? Get yourself more attention?”

“Well...” Jaime shook his head. “No. It wasn't like that.”

Gif linked by Lena_G


“The hot attractive guy with the ugly... awkward girl...” Her chin quivered.

“It wasn't like that.” Jaime shook his head, raised his hand, Brienne stepped further away. Gingerwank chuckled and Jaime snapped his head to the other man to glare. “You were there Brienne, it wasn't...” He'd been hard for her, she had been there right? I mean they had almost, just about.... He had wanted to fuck her, he still wanted to fuck her.

Brienne shook her head and backed away further. Oh, she had been there, but men and their bodies couldn't really be trusted. Her heart certainly could not be trusted with such men. She should have known as soon as Jaime had shown any interest in her. She was not the kind of woman to make a man like him look her way, unless she was being used.

“So, so stupid,” she muttered. “Silly foolish girl.”

“No, Brienne.” Somehow Jaime had stepped up to her and placed a hand on her arm. Brienne jerked away as if burned.

“I am not a game, Jaime.” Her voice was harder than she'd meant and his face collapsed. “Get out.” She pointed at the door and he looked like she'd just kicked his puppy.



Chapter Text

Chapter 53 by bearsofair


Jaime was making his way to the door with Gingerwank right on his heels. As Gingerwank reached to close the door behind him, he opened his stupid mouth yet again.

“Brienne. Can I just say, I think it’s awful what he’s put you through? It’s inexcusable, really. Just know, that not all men are assholes. There are plenty of us who know how to treat a lady,” he said coyly.”

“You were jerking off while spying on me!” she screamed from the room.

“Because I know how to appreciate your glorious body. Not because I was using you for personal gain. Remember that,” he said with a wink before shutting the door behind him.

“Gods, help me!” snarled Jaime, “If you so much as—“

“I think Brienne is perfectly capable of making her own decisions. And she will soon enough. There’s another elimination ceremony tonight. Do you really think she’s going to pair off with you after learning about your little marketing ploy? I don’t think so. And then I’ll be introduced as the new stag right after, and will be there to pick up the pieces. And if you’ll excuse me, I need to go shower,” and with that Gingerwank turned and walked down the hall.

Jaime seethed. Wasn’t this what he had wanted? A way to get out of this blasted Paradise? He couldn’t leave Brienne behind. Not now. Not like this.

Brienne stifled another sob. How could Jaime have done this? She had gone into this experience convinced that finding love was impossible. Well, she had been right, hadn’t she? She wanted to go home to heal. To lick her wounds. But Jaime was still weighing heavily on his mind. She still wanted him. But she was being stupid. He had never really wanted her. What was she to do for the next coupling ceremony? She had assumed that she and Jaime would choose each other. She had been so excited about being able to pick someone she actually truly cared about. So excited for the passionate evening that would surely follow. But now…Tormund had a point didn’t he?

Jaime sat nervously on the sectional couch as the other stags and maidens slowly filtered in. Gingerwank hadn’t made his grand appearance as of yet. Jaime’s eyes stayed fixed on the doorway, eager to catch the first glimpse of Brienne. To plead with her one more time with eyes. To send some sort of telepathic message to let her know how sorry he was. How much he wanted her.

And then there she was. Face red and splotchy, eyes watery and puffy. But she didn’t bother looking him. She just kept her eyes downcast as she made her way to a seat on the opposite side of the room. He tried willing her to look at him, but she seemed to be purposely avoiding his gaze.

Oberyn busied himself by passing out glasses of champagne. Brienne snatched one off the gilded tray, tossed her head back, and downed the whole glass in a long deep gulp.

Oberyn then held up his own champagne glass, clinking it delicately. "Attention ladies and stags! The elimination ceremony is about to begin!"



Chapter Text

Chapter 54 by ikkiM


Jaime sat on the couch, desperate for just one moment alone with Brienne, but Oberyn had blocked him at every turn. Jaime would choose her, of course he would choose her, he couldn’t choose anyone else.

Tyrion went first and, with an apologetic look at Brienne, chose Tysha. Jaime was happy for his little brother. Although he’d found Tysha a little vapid, she and Tyrion seemed a perfect match. Hyle chose Amy. Or rather, Amy’s ample breasts. Jaime rolled his eyes. Renly chose Margaery. They seemed to have worked out an arrangement. Daario, with a grin at Dany chose Missandei. Theon chose Dany though she still seemed in shock from Daario’s betrayal and could barely see for the weird mop on her head. Ron chose Sansa, saying gingers needed to stick together. Sansa did not look pleased and neither did Podrick, the young cameraman filming her. Ramsay chose Asha and she accepted his token by yanking his hair back and planting a wholly revolting kiss on his mouth. Ramsay seemed enthralled. Only Jon and Jaime were left, with Tyene, Lysa and Brienne left on the couch.

Jon stood up and brooded a moment, staring off into the distance. He reached the podium and began to speak. “I initially came on Maidens and Stags really just to get laid. But the truth is, I knew nothing. And maybe I still know nothing. But I know that of the three women not yet chosen tonight, only one is worthy of my token.” He pulled out a bottle of hair gel and extended it towards the ladies. “Brienne, will you be my mate?”

No. Jaime’s brain screamed. No. Snow had assured him that nothing had happened between him and Brienne. He wanted to shout at her to refuse the token. To wait, wait for him. Wait for them. Instead, she stood, blushing, and took the gel from Jon. The short man put his arm around her thick waist awkwardly. This couldn’t be happening. It just couldn’t.

Oberyn called Jaime’s name. He walked to the podium, still in shock. He turned to face the two women on the couch, Lysa and Tyene. He rebelled at the thought of spending any time with either of them. He looked at Brienne. She glared at him and pressed an awkward kiss to the top of Snow’s stupid curly head.

He looked again at the couch. Tyene was staring at Brienne and licking her lips. Lysa was looking at her own cleavage. It was like a choice between two of the seven hells. He drew in his breath. Tyene slipped a hand between her own legs as she stared at Brienne. Lysa took a drink of milk. “I choose,” he choked on the word, “Lysa.”


Maidens Stags
Brienne Jon
Sansa Ron
Margaery Renly
Daenerys Theon
Asha Ramsay
Amy Hyle
Missandei Daario
Tysha Tyrion
Lysa Jaime
Out Tyene


Chapter Text

Chapter 55 by Ellethom


Jaime stood outside of the villa. His room was too close to the new couple that he didn't know whether to cringe, hide, or be grateful for the distraction. He had left Lysa pacing the room like a caged, half starved hyena in heat. The sounds of Ramsay and Asha were not helping their already taut mood.

He wanted a cigarette for the first time in years. Glancing down the strip of villas, he recalled the last time he was in her room and fretted over what was going on there now.

Ramsay was never one to shut his windows during sex. The entire island was far too familiar with his sexual predilections. The threats and mock violences pared with a menacingly quiet voice was all too familiar after only four nights on the island.

Tonight, however the sounds were much different than the island was used to.


Gif by Wackygoofball


“I’m only going to tell you this once,” the small woman slanted over the bed to the menacing form, her weapon angled toward the brunette in her clutches. “You chose me, which means you need to prove to me that you’re worth it.”

“That’s not how this works.” Ramsay said in a voice that, usually, alerted his prey to imminent danger. “Get on the bed, Asha, or you will regret it.”

Asha cocked her head and gave a half grin, all feral hellcat and crazed ex-girlfriend. “Maybe I already do.” Quick as a cat, she flung herself onto Ramsay. He was not accustomed to his prey fighting back; he had a type and had assumed that Asha would play along. But, for her part, since Kindergarten, Asha had been accused of not playing well with others.

She had him pinned on his stomach with his arm bent behind him. Both were naked from the moment they slid into the now shared villa. “You gonna sass me? Or do I hafta show you what we do with our thralls back home?” One arm held him in place, the other she used to hold his hair. “You got pretty hair.”

“I am no one’s thrall.” Ramsay hissed, but his words came garbled as she further mashed his face into the floor. The soft click followed by the metallic whine made him jump. She laughed at his discomfort and ran the humming instrument along his ass. “You like that Danger Boy?” she sanguined into his ear.

Ramsay was horrified to find a new discomfort; his cock seemed to enjoy the hum, “This would be so much more pleasurable for you if you let me go.” he muttered as his hips jerked along with her torture.

“Oh no, you’re like a stallion I I once had. Had to break him I did. Until then, I kept him nice and bound.” She jerked the vibrator around his rectum and smiled as his hips jerked forward and he moaned.

“Scared he would hurt you?” Ramsay sassed. In response, she brought the tip into his puckered opening only a little bit.

Just the tip.

“Nooooo,” Asha grinned as Ramsay howled in pleasure, shocking even himself. “I didn't want him to hurt himself. Then I woulda had to put ‘em down.” She brought the vibrator around his anus again, Ramsay moaned loud enough to wake the dead. “I let you go, Danger Boy, and you’ll hrt yourself, then I’d hafta put ya down.” Asha threw the vibrator out of her hand. It flew through the window and followed by a distant “Ow, what the fuck?”

That made her smile, damaging two men at the same time reminded her of her college days. Asha reached for the large plug near her hand, considered the size of the toy versus the size of what she had to work with.

She dove in.

Being topped, of all things, by this diminutive woman. Bolton’s don’t bottom.

And yet, here he was, being handled by a woman.

It was the best night of his life.



Chapter Text

Chapter 56 by godo


"Gods I can't believe I have to share a room with this woman," Jaime said to himself staring out in the villa. His mind wandered about Brienne and Jon. He felt betrayed and lied to, and the animalistic noises coming from the room next to them weren't helping his mood. It was enough to send Jaime back inside his own shared room with Lysa, which he had dreaded since it meant he'd have to face her, but he supposed that it was the lesser of two evils.

Jaime made his way into the room, and not two seconds in, was greeted by Lysa who was all over him, sucking and kissing on his neck. She reached down and grabbed his crotch with one hand.

"Woah woah. Slow down," Jaime said, startled and taking a couple of steps back, gently pushing Lysa off.

"Now now, no need to be shy boy," Lysa said, jolting her body forward and aiming her lips towards Jaimes.

Jaime saw her intentions, and quickly dodged her advances by moving aside. He grabbed the back of his head with one hand, massaging his scalp and trying to figure out how to get out of this hell he was now stuck in.

"Actually, I think I might go get a drink, and then maybe-"

"Oh how fun! We can both get-"

"No no, I meant by myself," Jaime interrupted. He realized how idiotic he sounded, and something told him he shouldn't make an enemy out of this crazy woman. An idea popped into his head.

"I shall bring us both drinks. Then, maybe we can talk," he said. He realized his face must've looked petrified, so he forced a little smile, trying to look as genuine as possible. She bought it.

"I shall wait for you here then," she responded, smiling seductively while stroking his chin with her index finger. She walked towards the foot of the bed, and sat there.

"But you know, I do have something you can drink," she says, patting the bed.

Jaime laughed uncomfortably. "I prefer alcohol tonight," he said heading out the door as fast as he could so that she couldn't get another word in. He would wait until it got really late to return, so that Lysa would eventually fall asleep. At least that's what he hoped for.

He made his way to the mini bar, and wondered how different Brienne's night was going. His mind instantly thought of her and Jon having sex. He shook his head trying to get rid of those thoughts, his heart beating faster. What if there was a way to take a little peek of what she was doing in there with Jon? No, no, that's too much, he thought. Maybe he could put his ear to the door? But then he'd look foolish. He tried forgetting about the idea all together. Maybe he'd feel more courageous after a few drinks to carry out this idea. Or perhaps he would just pass out on the floor, which would probably be better than returning back to his room anyway.


Gif by the lovely Lena_G!

Chapter Text

Chapter 57 by bearsofair


Jaime sat in the corner of the dark room, looking over at Lysa who had passed out on the bed. She had gotten drunk easily enough once Jaime had consented to doing several shots from glasses strategically placed between her breasts. There are some things you can’t unsee... His plan had the desired effect, but it had left him extremely drunk as well. And in need of a piss.

He heaved himself to his feet, and made his way to the door and out into the hall. He squinted into the light, staggering his way down the hall.

“If you like pina coladas…” he mumbled drunkenly. “Making love at midnight…”Gods, this song reminded me of Brienne, he thought passing her door. “YOU’RE THE LOVE THAT I’VE LOOKED FOR, COME WITH ME AND ESCAPE! Oh gods why, Brienne, whyyyyyy?” he bellowed collapsing into a heap in front of her door.

“What the fuck?!” said Jon swinging the bedroom door open.

“Brienne?” Jaime whispered looking up dumbly and Jon. “Bri-eeeennnne?”

“She’s not here. She said she needed some air. I wouldn’t go looking for her if I were you. I don’t think she’s too happy with you. And talking to her in your current state won’t help. Get some sleep, man,” said Jon closing his door.

Naturally Jaime decided looking for Brienne was an excellent idea. “I need to tell her how I feeeeel.” So he pissed in a potted plant, and headed outside. He looked for her on the patio and stumbled across the beach without any luck. Feeling dejected, he made his way to the tiki bar for another drink. And there she was. His heart skipped a beat. He knew her smile in an instant. He knew the curve of her face. It was his own lovely lady. And she was completely smashed, sipping a pina colada.

It might have been his inebriated state (or hers) but she seemed almost happy to see him.

“Brienne. I need to tell you. So Important. Never thought I’d feel so…it wasn’t about promoting the business after I met you…and to think I’d find love on this shitstorm of a show.” Was he even speaking coherently?

“I missed you, Jaime. Wait. You love me?” Brienne slurred. Apparently he was making perfect sense. He was only able to nod in reply.

“Because I...I…” she grabbed his face and pulled him into a sloppy passionate kiss, sweet with the taste of those damn pina coladas. She pulled away looking him in the eye. “I do too. With you. Love you, I mean.”

“Come on,” she said taking him by the hand and leading him down the beach. She brought him to one of the large, outdoor lounge beds, heaped high with plush pillows. She climbed on top, pulling him with her. And as he reacquainted himself with the taste of her lips and the feel of her skin, the stars shone down upon them and the waves rhythmically beat the shore.



Chapter Text

Chapter 58 by WackyGoofball


Seems that his sister was right for once in a lifetime: Everything’s better while drunk.

Brienne loomed above him, the moonlight illuminating her features just the right way.

In this light she could almost be…

She kissed him deeply, eager for him.

And Gods know he was eager for her.

Tonight was the night, he was sure of it now. He’d finally get to bury himself…

Jaime coughed, looking up to Brienne’s shape blurring before his eyes.

Suddenly, his mouth no longer tasted Piña Colada and Brienne, but… sand?


He loved how she said his name…

Jaime’s head lolled to the side, moaning. He realized that he was actually not lying on an outdoor bed wrapped around Brienne, but flat in the sand. He turned on his back, patting his chest.

“Brie…,” he croaked, but then let out a small squeal as something cold hit his feet. “My feet are wet.”

“Water is wet, yeah.”

Her voice was not as sweet as it was so long he had kissed her. Jaime liked the voice from before far better.

His cock agreed.

“You should get up. Tide is coming. You passed out by the beach.”

What? Noooooo. I was about to have sex with her! Not fair!

Jaime closed his eyes, trying to return to that reality, but only felt her nudging him in the side impatiently.

“Get up, or you’ll drown.”

“Just let me die.”

A life without her…

Brienne cursed, looking around for help she knew was not coming. After many drinks and tears, she wanted to return to her room with Jon. He was really sweet. Brienne was grateful that he had saved her from the humiliation of elimination after Jaime’s betrayal.

That was when she caught sight of Jaime swaying his way to the bar. A part of her felt sympathy for him for having ended up with MilkyWay, another part wanted him to feel bad. She watched as he approached one of the bar chairs and… started having conversation with it, loudly lulling. He even hugged it, before staggering down the beach and collapsing into the sand, moaning… as though he dreamed of fucking someone like Tysha, or of all the money he would make with this promotion farce for which he had utilized her.

“Can you stand?”

This is just unfair, she thought, but then bent down to help him up.

Apparently, she was now the not-so-shining knight for all the male contestants, constantly forced to save them.

“I wanted to talk… y’know? Is why I came to… bar.”

“Splendid idea to have conversation dead drunk.”

“Right?” he laughed.

The plan had been amazing until she stopped kissing him.

Brienne decided that she wouldn’t haul him all the way inside. She spotted the lounge beds nearby, figuring that she could leave him there to sleep.

“Y’got it… wrong… with… pr’motion. It’s…”

“Don’t want to hear it.”

“You were nicer to me before.”

Brienne frowned, but didn’t comment. She reached the lounge and unceremoniously dropped Jaime on the mattress with an oomph.

“My duty is done,” she proclaimed, turning away, but felt Jaime holding on to her shirt with an iron-like grip. “Stay. Please. Gotta… talk… n tell you ‘bout mah feels.”

“NO way.”

He didn’t get to keep her around only when it suited him.

She was done being used that way.

Never again.

“Just sleep and dream of promotion and hot girls.”

“Huh? I didn’t… I dreamed of you,” he blurted out, leaving Brienne blushing.

And she hated it.

She tried to pull away again, but then some of the plastic wrappers fell out of her pocket.

“You brought the equipment, sweet!”

“Shut up.”

Just why had she kept Jon’s condoms?


He had to kiss her until she believed him, he decided.


Brienne staggered when he pulled her back, dizzy from the drinks she had. She fell down on the lounge bed and his hand explored her midsection with feathery touches. It felt so good and so right, though Brienne knew it was all wrong.

Just why is this happening to me?

“Brienne,” he roared. “I lo…”

He didn’t get to finish as suddenly someone stood by the bed.

“Need some help, lady? I can rescue you.”

Jaime looked up.

A man with a condom wrapper between his fingers.

Jaime narrowed his eyes.

The new stag.


PSA by Lena_G!

Chapter Text

Chapter 59 by ikkiM


Jaime woke with his head burrowed into a chest and his arms around a waist. He snuggled closer, his mouth seeking out bare skin, only to kiss something that felt very unBrienne-like. Something that felt like…chest hair.. He sat straight up in bed and looked down. A very loud snore came from his very large, very smelly, very tied to the frame bedmate, Gingerwank.

Gif by Lena_G!


Jaime shook his head trying to remember, only to feel his stomach lurch. He turned to the side of the bed and emptied his stomach into the sand. Repeatedly.. A bottle of water was thrust into his hand, “Here,” someone said. Jaime rinsed his mouth and spit, and then drank the rest of the bottle. He turned to look at Pod, the young camera man.

Jaime nodded to the camera, now sitting on the ground, “Did you film that?”

Pod shook his head. “Nah. You seem like a pretty nice guy and Tormund is a total dick.”

Jaime rose from the bed, eager to get away from Gingerwank, and headed to the sea, thinkng he could swim off some hangover and clean any part of his skin that might have come into contact with the foul man. Pod followed, camera in tow. He turned to the younger man as he began stripping off his clothes. “What happened last night?”

Gif by Lena_G


Pod looked around, no other production staff was in sight. “If I tell you, will you put in a good word for me with Sansa?”

Jaime raised his brows. He hadn’t seen that coming. “Sure, why not? I’ll do what I can, but aren’t staff supposed to stay away from guests?”

Pod shrugged. “No one ever does. This is my third season of Maidens and Stags and the production staff, especially Oberyn, has sex with guests all the time. But I mean, I don’t want that with Sansa. Well. I do. But I like her.”

Jaime nodded and stepped into the ocean. Pod followed part way. “Okay Pod, tell me how I ended up in a bed on the beach cuddled with that asshole who seemed tied to the bed.”

And Pod told him the story of his drunken ramble to the beach, his imaginary conversation with a woman, Brienne finding him and attempting to put him to bed, Tormund finding them and asking for a threesome, Brienne being appalled but Tormund not taking No for an answer. Her agreeing to the threesome if Tormund agreed to some bondage. Then, after Brienne had tied him to the bed, she’d left the two men alone.

Jaime vomited one more time, his head aching. He felt like shit that she’d had to put up with him drunk and aggressive Gingerwank. He dunked in the water and washed himself. As he got back to the beach, Pod picked up the camera, pointed it at him and said, “So Jaime, can you tell me how you feel about having another coupling ceremony tonight? Have you made a real connection with Lysa?”


Gif by Lena_G!

Chapter Text

Chapter 60 by Shareece


Jaime held up his hand and turned away as vomited again for the fifth time, heaving a few more times at the thought of having a true connection with crazy Lysa.  He groaned as he clutched his sides, taking the water bottle Pod handed him. He rinsed his mouth out and spat onto the sand. “To answer your question honestly Pod, No.”  Jaime again wondered how things could be so royally fucked. Perhaps he should just go home because things could go any lower for him.

Pod lowered the camera with a small sigh. “I’ll give you a break.” He said, “In case you’re wondering, Brienne has asked me to at least make sure you don’t die.”

Gif by Wackygoofball


Jaime glanced up at that, his pained expression turning into one of interest. “She said that?” He said and Pod nodded.  That showed Brienne still cared for him at least a little bit.  Jaime stood up straighter, his hope renewed.  “Thanks for that.” He glanced over his shoulder at the ginger bastard. “Let’s keep him tied up for a bit more, yes?”

Pod gave him a small nod of agreement and Jaime slowly made his way back to his room,

Brienne sat with her arms crossed in front of her chest, a frown on her face as she halfway listening to Sansa drone on about her night.  Her thoughts, unfortunately, were on a certain golden headed ass hole who she wanted to punch, but admittedly kiss at the same time.

“….kind of strange, but romantic. Are you even listening to me?”

“Huh?” Brienne asked and Sansa rolled her eyes.

“You should just talk to him.”

“No.” Brienne said. “I’m finished talking. He can get eliminated for all I care.”

Sansa rolled her eyes. “Gods Brienne, things seemed to be going well with you two. The least you could do is be a little mature about this whole thing.”

She glared. “Mature? Do you see where we are? Do you see what has gone on here? This place is a freak show! Literally.”

Sansa sighed again. “You’re missing out on someone who clearly is in love with you. I mean—the way he looks at you—‘

“Stop it Sansa.” Brienne didn’t want to hear it. Today was the maiden’s choice to choose their stag and she was sticking with her decision.

“fine.” Sansa said standing. “Be stubborn if you want to. I won’t even warn you that the object of your affection is making his way over to you right now.” With that Sansa flounced off.

Brienne’s eyes widened as she glanced over her shoulder. Jaime was slowly making his way toward her.  Even hung over he looked amazing.

“Good then you can listen.” He said. “I know you hate me and do not plan on picking me for the coupling ceremony, but at least let me convince you otherwise. Please?” 

Brienne glanced at him, seeing the genuine expression on his face. She bit her lip feeling the hard shell she’d created begin to soften. Despite this, she crossed her arms in front of her chest as she glared at him. “And why should I?”

Jaime shrugged. “You shouldn’t, but I’d like the chance.”

Brienne sighed heavily, somehow knowing she was going to regret this. “Fine.”

Jaime’s face transformed as he grinned. “Meet me by the paddle boats at noon.” He stood up. “And wear sneakers.”



Chapter Text

Chapter 61 by Nurdles


Brienne watched Jaime walk away, his step jauntier than when he'd approached. Paddle boat, huh? What could possibly go wrong there? If they could figure things out, maybe the coupling ceremony wouldn't be such a clusterfuck tonight. Not that Jon wasn't nice, but she was getting tired of popcorn.

She decided a brisk walk to clear her head was in order. Brienne quickly changed into some shorts and a tank top and headed toward the beach. Her mind was full of questions: what had happened between Jaime and Lysa? What had happened when Jaime woke up next to Tormund? Wait – was something going on by the lounging chairs? Was Tormund still tied up?

As she got closer, Brienne saw that he was, in fact, still tied to the chair. From her angle she saw him feet first, then his balls, covered in wiry ginger hair, then his erect penis – someone had tied a pink ribbon around it. She wondered if they'd tied it when he was hard or soft, and tried not to gag at what she noticed next.

Lysa was on top of him, kneeling in miniscule shorts covered in little hearts. What on earth was she doing? Brienne knew she should give them a wide berth and perhaps even turn back the other way, but it really was like a car accident. You don't want to look, but sometimes you just can't help yourself.

The woman had one of her pendulous boobs exposed and Tormund was suckling it happily, milk running down his cheeks and chin. On the ground next to their makeshift bed of sin was a splatter of barf. Jaime's? Ha, not like he hadn't deserved it.

Gods, but he was with that woman last night. Had he drunk of her magical lactation potion as well? Perhaps gotten drunk on it? Breast milk consisted of whatever the, er, lactater had drunk as well, didn't it? Ew.

Brienne trotted past the pair, and they seemed not to notice her. She arrived on the beach and sat down in the sand, thinking about how she'd found Jaime the night before, drunk and incoherent. Maybe he wasn't so bad. He came here with a motive, sure, but so had she. All she'd wanted was a little vacation. It had never occurred to her that she'd end up finding someone she liked and having sex.

Almost having sex. Damn. The hottest man she'd ever seen, and they'd come so close. She was in a perpetual state of pissed off and aroused. It was a recipe for disaster. But maybe…she could bring the condoms on their paddle boat date. Would it be a big boat?

Brienne heard footsteps in the sand and looked up to see Pod with his camera. "Thanks for saving him, Pod. I owe you."

"Happy to help," Pod said. "I heard that Jaime was going to take you paddle boating? I think I should warn you about something…"

He pointed out to the lagoon, where Brienne could just discern swan-shaped paddle boats tied to the dock. "Yes?" she asked, her trepidation returning.

"They're five person boats. Oberyn is making everyone go out, four contestants and a cameraman in each boat."


Banner by Wackygoofball

Chapter Text

Chapter 62 by justme


Jaime was giving Oberyn the evilest evil eye in the history of I-hope-you-drop-dead glances.

That stupid ass director was messing everything up! He'd had the paddle boat idea first, dammit! And it had been such a good one, especially considering there was still some hangover going on in his head: Get Brienne with him onto the boat, paddle as far into the lagoon as possible and then, when she couldn't get away, finally talk and sort everything out. He'd even thought of sneaking into the hotel kitchen and sweet talk that big sous chef, Walda, into providing him with and filling a picknick basket just in case the talking took a while to commence and they needed provisions.

Unfortunately for him, that was when Oberyn had overheard them. If only he hadn't prioritized getting painkillers for his headache! He and Brienne could be already out there, there could even be kissing. And more. Gods, there could be more! Enough room when only two people occupy a 5-person boat after all. But no, now he had to stand around in line with the other stags and wait for his turn to draw a boat number from the stupid orange-green striped hat Oberyn was holding up. And for what? To not be alone with Brienne, to not be able to talk properly and to not be kissed. He narrowed his eyes at the director even more. It didn't make him really feel better, but at least it was something.

"Alright, guys! Before we have the next coupling ceremony tonight, since audience surveys have proven that our viewers like fun times almost as much as drama, time for some dates! Two couples per boat and make some magical television happen! Now, seeing as we have 18 contestants, one boat will only have one couple in it."

Jaime perked up upon hearing that. There might still be hope his cleverly thought up plan could be put into motion. He just had to go last and let the other boats fill up first.

"..that couple will take our new single stag, Tormund, with them.", Oberyn continued, smashing Jaime's hopes. Oh seven hells, no. That was not going to happen.

Banner by Wackygoofball


"Tyrion?", he hissed to his right side.


"I need your help."

"What is it?"

"Remember how you used to steal father's keys to the good booze from the man himself without ever getting caught?"

"Of course I do. I was the only freshman to know what a 50 year old vintage tastes like. But what does that have to do with anything?"

"In case I don't have any luck, which let's face it, would just be the continuation of my experiences on this island so far, I need you to switch my number with whoever draws the same number as Jon Snow. I need to get on one boat with Brienne."

"Uh...I'm flattered you still have so much trust in my pickpocket skills, but I'm kinda rusty and..well, father was always alone cause he has no friends. Here's people AND cameras."

"Don't worry, little brother. I'll create a distraction."

"Let's hope it doesn't come to that."

But of course it did. Jaime drew boat number 1, Jon boat number 3. And so did Ramsay Bolton.


Chapter Text

Chapter 63 by WackyGoofball


Tyrion was reluctant, fearing that Ramsay would kill him, though Jaime assured him that it was likely him who’d get murdered by the cold-eyed bastard.

The things you do for love…

Jaime’s plan was simple: Call out to Ramsay, have the crazy boy right in his face, and then ask:

“Are you a pillow biter? It’s just that I heard that you stalked Pretty Emo Boy over there and later a wild dildo flew out your window. I mean, each his own, was just wondering. You’re just the type of one of my gay friends, so…”

That was all it took for Ramsay to jump him and start to strangle him, while Tyrion acted as though he was trying to support his brother when in fact he exchanged the number tags. A security intervention later, and many bruises added, Jaime glanced down at his pass to Brienne.

Short time later, he had her scowling at him as they took their seats. Jaime just tried to ignore MilkyWay as she was yet again hypnotized by her own cleavage, if she didn’t stare over at Gingerwank, moaning. How that happened was beyond him.

Oberyn gave another grand speech, and off they paddled into the lagoon.

Glorious Manip by Nurdles


Jaime used a moment of distraction when Gingerilla started dancing around his boat, almost keeling over, Lysa giggling shrilly.

“Brienne,” Jaime whispered. She leaned over to him, hissing. “You don’t sincerely think that I will have personal conversation with you with all cameras on us… and with two other people in the boat, and her of all people. It’s enough that you made a faux scene to get into the boat by swapping numbers.”

“You caught that?”

“I spent years in summer camps with boys who made a sport of this, yeah I caught it.”

“You go, baby! Show us that body, wild and free!” Lysa yelled.

“Aren’t you a couple?” Jon frowned at Jaime.

“Not your business, asshole,” Lysa shrieked.

“So what exactly are we going to do?” Jon grimaced, looking confused… as always.

And that was actually the one million dragon question. How did Jaime get Brienne alone in all this mess?

“Oh, Seven Hells, Lysa, sit down!” Jaime ground out, once MilkyWay decided it was time to dance along to Gignerwank’s wild moves as Oberyn yelled over a megaphone for them to stop.

“Please leave your shirt on, please leave your shirt on…,” Jaime could hear Jon pray.

“Someone play some music! It’s getting hot in here…,” Lysa sang – badly out of tune.

“And don't take off your clothes,” Jaime hummed. He looked over to Brienne, holding on to the boat with both hands as Lysa was sent the swan swaying back and forth.

“Dude, I’ll get seasick,” Jon growled at Lysa.

“I am not a dude! I am a proud mother! A woman, a lady…”

“Crazy lady.”

“What was that?”

“Nothing. I know nothing.”

Lysa, unwavering, continued her fertility dance, until the inevitable happened. One moment Jaime saw Brienne with a worried facial expression, the next there was just blue water.

When Jaime resurfaced, he only heard Lysa screeching, “I am coming for you baby!”

Then Gingerwank jumped in, tossing out Hyle and Amy who were with him in the boat. Ron laughed so Hyle hauled himself into their swan to toss him out… and so on.

It was like watching dominoes until all were in the water, fighting, screaming, Oberyn on his ridiculous megaphone, or almost love-making in case of MilkyWay and Gingerwank.

Jaime searched for Brienne in all this mess, until he spotted her swimming further back – and Gods id she look graceful as she moved through the water, as though she was finally in her true element. He looked beyond her, over to the cliff of the lagoon, spotting a crevice there, big enough to… have some alone-time. Jaime picked up speed to catch up to her.

“Want to have a moment to ourselves?” he said, nodding at the crevice. Brienne looked at him, confused. “Probably our only chance today.”

Did she want to? His hand on her arm felt warm and comforting… and…

“Alright,” she said before she could think.

And so the two swam away from the lagoon party. Time for some heart-to-heart in the ocean.


Updated Glorious Manip of Glorious by Nurdles!


Chapter Text

Chapter 64 by mgsmurf


The crevice was just big enough to fit them both, and much tighter than Brienne would have liked. Jaime glanced once more for the cameras, but for now in the chaos they seem to be hidden and forgotten.

She still wore her sneakers and partially treading water to stay afloat wasn't the easiest, even if she was a gifted swimmer. It surprised her that Jaime seemed a good swimmer too, not that she was going to think about them sharing anything in common.

“I should start by saying I'm sorry.” Jaime frowned. “I don't remember much of last night, and I'm sure I made a fool of myself, said things I shouldn't have--”

“Tried to make out with sand and ended up sleeping in Tormund's arms.” Brienne cocked her head.

“Uhhh.” Jaime pinched his face into the silliest scowl. “Don't remind me about that last.” Brienne tried not to laugh.

“Look, Brienne,” he started again, “coming here to promote our business was Tyrion's idea.” He somehow managed to hold up and hand to stop her, his other clinging to the rock face to keep him from sinking. “But, I haven't really done any of it, neither has he. And you, me, us.” Jaime swept his hand between them. “I have never, ever felt this way about another woman, I swear, by the old gods and new.”

Brienne tilted her face, looked at his very serious expression and his heartfelt apology and explanation. And, burst out laughing, high-pitched and womanly. Jaime's face fell. “I'm sorry.” She reached out to him and couldn't keep from laughing more. It really was, all of it, just completely ridiculous. “You can't tell me Jaime this is not the most ridiculous thing you have never done. All of it.” She pointed to the chaos of the others, trying not to see who might be kissing who or punching who.

Jaime let out a sigh and finally smiled. “Okay, yes, it has been the oddest, weirdest few days of my life.”

Somehow as she had laughed, Brienne had not noticed how close they had gotten, half clinching to each other as they continued to hid themselves.

“Will you give me another chance, please, Brienne?”

She tilted her head. “Why? Why should I do that?” Jon was a nice enough guy, even if she felt nothing but companionship with him. And damn Jaime for looking so handsome, wet hair clinging to his forehead, chiseled muscles against her body as they kept afloat.

Jaime paused, bit at his lower lip. “Because I love you.”

Brienne let out an exasperated sigh. “You can't love me, Jaime, we barely know each other.”

Jaime shrugged a shoulder out of the water. “True, but I do actually think I love you, Brienne, truthfully.”

Brienne frowned, because she had to agree it was not such an insane thought, especially given the last few days. Somehow this man she had meet only days ago, who she did barely know, had come to mean a lot to her. And she was well aware it was not just physical attraction. There was something more there, something deeper.

Jaime angled his head, leaned closer. Then his lips were on her, kissing.


Chapter Text

Chapter 65 by Nurdles


The feel of his lips on hers, chilled and wet, had her melting in his arms. She held him tightly, feeling his firm body against hers. And boy, was it ever firm.

"I know you said that chlorinated water wasn't good for lubrication in the hot tub earlier," she said, breaking the kiss to whisper in his ear, "But this could be our only chance, Jaime."

"You're not afraid a quickie will ruin our budding relationship?" He wanted her badly, and hoped she'd take his concern for what it was – a lie.

"Quickie? We've tried to make love how many times now?" Brienne pushed one hand into his swim trunks, "I want you badly. I hope you don't think I'd do this with just anybody…"

"Gods, could this really be happening? No cameras, no witnesses? Let's do it. Can I brace you against the rock here?" Jaime maneuvered her to the wall rising at her back, his body flush against hers. His cock was rubbing against her bikini bottoms delightfully, and if he could just push it aside –

"Jaime," Brienne gasped as she felt the head of his cock nudging beneath her bottoms, "Did you bring any condoms?"

"Condoms? No. They were in the boat, remember? In the Emergency Kit?"

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuck…"

"I'm trying to, Wench!" Jaime cried in despair. "What if I just pulled out at the crucial moment?"

"Half of all pregnancies are attributed to pulling out. And zero STDs are prevented that way," Brienne said, almost weeping as she recited the facts.

"I'm clean, I swear it!"

"Everyone says that," the ever-pragmatic Brienne replied. "But look – look out at the lagoon!'

He turned to follow her gaze, where the couples and cameramen were still flailing and grappling. Oberyn was standing up in the sole upright swan with his megaphone. "Yes?" Jaime said, "Not much has changed that I can see."

"There are condoms floating everywhere!" Brienne pointed out, "Do you think we could sneak out there and get one or two?"

Her hand was still stroking him absently, and if he delayed any longer he'd be spending his seed in the water of the lagoon. Jaime figured he could live with that. She'd forgive him if he could manage to please her, too. Wouldn't she? "Brienne," he groaned, "We don't have to go all the way,"

"Attention Maidens and Stags! New contest! First Stag to catch and get a condom on will be granted immunity and first choice in tonight's ceremony!"

"How the hell does he plan to judge that?" Jaime scoffed, trying to get his fingers where they needed to be to make Brienne keen.

"Our special underwater cameramen are in place even now, and they inform me that nearly all of our stags are ready to participate. Renly – feel free to swim over near another couple if you need inspiration!" Oberyn grinned evilly, brandishing his megaphone, "Jaime, Brienne – stay where you are – we'll fling some condoms over there. The lighting is perfect."


Chapter Text

Chapter 66 by ikkiM


As condoms hit the water like raindrops around them, Brienne’s thighs clamped shut, keeping his fingers at bay, and Jaime’s cock began to deflate. The shouts and squeals from the other contestants continued. Jaime dropped his head to Brienne’s shoulder.

“I am never, never going to get to make love to you, am I?” he groaned.


Boning Data Analysis by Justme!


He could feel the heat of Brienne’s blush.

She tapped his shoulder, “We have to get back.”

She was all business now, and he didn’t blame her. As much as his body craved her, he didn’t want their sexytimes to be camera fodder for Oberyn’s sleazy show.

A roar rose from the lagoon as Tormund announced that he’d manage to put on a condom. Lysa was clinging to him. Jaime felt a little nauseated. A paddle boat containing Pod and a camera came to pick them up.

As they headed back to shore, Brienne slipped her fingers into his. She leaned over and whispered, “I’ll definitely choose you at the coupling ceremony tonight.”

Jaime grinned at her, pleased that he’d finally broken down her barriers. The thought of spending the night, a whole uninterrupted night, with her sounded like heaven.

As they reached the shore and exited the paddle boat, Pod shoved the camera in their faces. “Can you tell me what you’re feeling right now?”

Jaime groaned. It would be him, Brienne, and a room full of hidden microphones and cameras.

The contestants were sent off to shower and prepare for the coupling ceremony and Jaime was reminded that he owed young Pod a favor. He slipped away in search of Sansa. The pretty young redhead was already at the tiki bar, pounding back more drinks than Jaime thought someone of her size could handle.

“Sansa, hi, erm…” A camera was shoved in his face. Jaime scowled. “Have you found love here in paradise?” he asked.

Suddenly the young girl threw herself against his chest and began to wail. He patted her awkwardly.

“There’s no true love. This place is just full of guys who want to have sex. It’s not about love at all,” she sobbed and screeched sloppily.

Jaime rolled his eyes as the camera man grinned at him. “Well Sansa, did you really think you were going to find true love on a reality TV show? I mean, it’s all made up and staged. Haven’t you noticed? No one really finds love. This show is all about getting laid.”

The tiny girl drew back from him, her face a mask of horror. “It is not all made up, Jaime. My parents met on the second season of Westeros Gets Real and they’ve been together forever.”

Jaime laughed. He couldn’t help it. How delusional was this girl?

At his laugh, Sansa screamed, reared back and slapped him across the face. “You’re an asshole!” She shouted. “A total and complete asshole! You're just here to have sex. You don’t think people can find true love at all!”

Jaime had a sudden sinking feeling in his stomach. “Sansa一” he began.

“Shut up, Jaime. I’m going to go tell Brienne what you said!” And with that, she grabbed the cameraman and headed to Brienne’s room.

No. This couldn’t be happening.


Gif linked by Lena_G

Chapter Text

Chapter 67 by bearsofair


Sansa ran down the hall, rounded the corner and burst through Brienne’s room, Jaime and Pod the cameraman hot on their heels.

“Jaime said it’s impossible to find love on shows like this!” she screamed, whirling on him and pointing an accusatory finger in his face. “He’s only here to get laid!”

“Well, I’m not exactly succeeding!” he mumbled. He looked over at Brienne who’s eyes were wide with shock. “Brienne, that is not what I said!”

“Yes it is!” You—“

“NO. It is not. Look. Your parents met on a show like this and fell in love? Good for them! But it’s rare. Very rare. Fortunately for me I found someone I love on one of these stupid shows too.” He said, glancing over at a blushing Brienne. He looked back to Sansa whose face had softened.

“I guess I’m not meant to find love, then. Nothing feels right,” she said dismayed.

“Maybe the stags in Paradise just aren’t right for you. Maybe you’d have more luck with a cameraman in Paradise,” he said nodding to Pod who almost dropped his camera at the suggestion. “Let me introduce you to my friend Podrick.” Jaime said gesturing to Pod. “Maybe you two can get acquainted at the tikibar.”

“I’d like that,” said Sansa blushing sweetly.

“Really?” asked Pod.

“Yes,” said Sansa grabbing him by his arm and leading him out the door. Pod turned to Jaime and mouthed a silent, “Thank you.”

Jaime closed the door behind him and turned to Brienne.

“Wow, Jaime that was really sweet. You really—“

“We’ve got to get out of here!” he said with wild eyes.


“You heard me! This place is a mad house! Haven’t you noticed how we’re at the center of every major catastrophe that happens in Paradise? It’s a conspiracy I tell you! A conspiracy! They try to tear us apart just to push us back together! Over, and over, again! What if…what if it’s all a practical joke? Do you think Tyrion set me up on some prank show? Oh he’s really outdone himself this time!”

“Jaime, you’re talking nonsense!”

“Am I, Brienne? Am I? There are cameras and microphones watching our every move.” he picked up a hair brush on her vanity and tapped it, wondering if it was bugged. “They’re toying with us, Brienne,” he whispered. “I care about you too much to let the nonsense of this show get in the way again. We need to leave all this.”

“But Jaime! Our contracts!”

“Damn our contracts!”

“Oberyn will never let us just leave!”

“Then Oberyn can’t know. We need to ditch the next ceremony and get out of here.”

“Security will stop us! There’s checkpoints on both ends of the beach!”

“Meet me by the docks an hour before the next ceremony,” he said as he began slipping out the door. “By the paddle boats,” he whispered, closing the door behind him.

"He can't be serious!" he heard her hiss through the door. But he was.


Chapter Text

Chapter 68 by JustAGirl24


Jaime huddled behind one of the swan-shaped paddleboats, glancing around furtively every now and then. There was still no sign of microphones, cameras, or, unfortunately, Brienne. He sighed and glanced at his watch. He’d give her a few more minutes before he started to worry—gods knew it had taken him ages to shake his newly assigned cameraman. He’d ended up telling the man he had to use the bathroom, and then escaping from one of the small windows on the back of the building.

“Jaime?” Brienne’s voice, low and hoarse.

Jaime lifted his head, catching her gaze, beckoning her over. She rolled her eyes, but quickly made her way over to him, crouching behind the same paddleboat.

“So what’s this all about?” Brienne asked, amusement clear in her tone, blue eyes sparkling.

Jaime bit into his grin, humming a tune they both despised. “Come with me and escape.”

Brienne gaped. “Jaime—how?”

Jaime slid his gaze from Brienne’s to the paddleboat behind them and then back, cocking an eyebrow.

“The paddleboat? Really?” she asked skeptically.

“You know this isn’t really an island, right?” he reminded her. Brienne nodded slowly in response. “So…we paddle about a mile that way—“ Jaime beckoned towards the setting sun “—and we’re back in civilization in no time.”

Brienne smiled, all horsey teeth and happiness. “Yes,” she agreed emphatically.

“Well?” Jaime asked. “What are we waiting for?” He stood and wiped the sand from his palms, grabbing onto the swan’s neck as Brienne scrabbled to her feet. She hurried to the back of the boat, and together they pushed and pulled it into the ocean. Jaime hopped it and held out his hand to Brienne, only to find her already in the boat. They sat side by side, pedaling furiously into the sunset. Jaime couldn’t help but laugh at the picture they must make, like something from a movie. He turned his head to look at Brienne, her brow furrowed in concentration, and felt something in his chest shift almost painfully.

With no small amount of trepidation, he reached over to hook his pinkie finger over her own where it rested between them. She glanced over at him, the corners of her mouth softening as a blush spread over her face and neck. Jaime grinned, and with one swift move pulled her hand up to kiss her knuckles.

“You know what else they have in civilization?” he asked suggestively.

Brienne shook her head mutely, tongue darting out to run over her bottom lip.

“Hotel rooms,” he murmured, pulling the tip of her finger into his mouth and flicking it with his tongue.

Brienne swallowed thickly. “O-okay,” she breathed, clearly aroused.

Jaime felt his cock stiffen in response. “Okay,” he agreed, letting her hand fall gently back between them.

He turned his focus back to paddling. The sooner they got back to ‘civilization,’ the better.



Chapter Text

Chapter 69 by bergamot


Brienne took a break from paddling to stretch her legs, one after the other. Jaime watched them hungrily as she leaned back against the seat and stuck them into the air, over the plastic swan neck.

“You know,” Jaime huffed, straining to keep the paddleboat moving without the help of his partner, “there’s plenty of room in this boat if you don’t want to wait…”

She dropped her legs back into the boat, her feet hitting the bottom with a thunk. The boat swayed in the water. Jaime pumped his legs furiously. She was kind of hypnotized with the way his knees moved up and down. She glanced at the empty seats behind them.

“That is tempting,” she said. “As much as I’d like a comfortable bed…”

“I would have settled for that damn rock crevice,” Jaime growled, halting his legs on the paddles. The boat drifted in the water, spinning with the current until they faced the direction of the open sea. Somewhere out there was a reef and crashing waves, but the lagoon was fairly calm with the lightest sea breeze teasing Brienne’s hair.

“I would have settled with for the hot tub,” she grumbled.

Jaime’s eyes snapped to her. His mouth fell open. “You would have?”

She nodded. “I mean, if it weren’t for Tormund—”

“Gingerwank,” Jaime hissed.

They stared at each other. Jaime really did look golden. His hair was swept back, he had changed into a new pair of shorts and crisp linen shirt, unbuttoned at the neck to display the broad planes of his upper chest. He was embracing the Paradise vibe, clearly. A thought occurred to her. “Jaime, did you bring your wallet?”

He frowned. “My wallet? I—fuck. No. I don’t have my wallet. Do you have your wallet?”

She shook her head. “How are we supposed to pay for a hotel room without our wallets?”

Jaime was already banging his head against the side of the plastic swan.
Brienne looked around again at the boat. It wouldn’t be that uncomfortable. Not if they leveraged themselves the right way, avoided the seat backs, looked out for the swan’s beak… They could manage. Gods, they could manage it, couldn’t they!?

“What about—I mean—did you at least bring a condom?” She asked desperately.

Jaime paused. His eyes swung to hers. His face lit up. “Yes! Yes! I remembered the condom!” He sat up and fished in his pockets until his hands were spilling over with condom packets. There had to be at least fifty. “I brought all the condoms I could find!”

Jaime shoved the condoms back into his pocket, ignoring a few that dropped to the bottom of the paddle boat. There was time enough to pick those up later. He reached for her and kissed her hard. Brienne ran her hands down his arms and across his chest, under his shirt. His taut stomach was covered in a fine dusting of hair, and she skipped over it until she found the waistband of his shorts. “Brienne,” he groaned, pushing into her hand.

His groan continued indefinitely and Brienne jerked up. Jaime sat up, too, one hand at the nape of her neck, the other on her left breast. “What is that?”

They searched the moonlit ocean for the sound. It was the roar of a motor boat coming straight for them.



Chapter Text

Chapter 69 by WackyGoofball


“Megaphoberyn.” Jaime groaned.

He’d never get to make love to her.

“Fuck it. I’ll tell him we quit. What is he going to do? Call police?”

“… That is a police boat, so yeah.”

“Freeze! You have entered forbidden territory. This violation will be charged…,” Oberyn hollered.

“What can he do? Make me pay? My family’s stinking rich.”

“In case one of the contestants leaves before he or she is eliminated, the producers are free to sanction. This may include: Fees, exclusion from the program, or a prison stay – on the island’s prison, in case the contestant commits crimes that would also otherwise be charged with such, including murder, serious injury or substantial material damage, such as stealing equipment,” Brienne recited.


“… I spent that afternoon going over the contract… when I was still howling mad at you because of the promotion,” she said. “We hijacked… a swan… injuries happened… except for the murder charge, we are… done for.”

“Maybe we could…”

Just dive under, fake their deaths?!

He just wanted her, no, Jaime needed her. In his arms, in his bed...

“Listen. Once he comes, let me handle it. I will take the blame. I’ll tell him that I forced you into this.”

It was the only right thing to do, he knew.

“No," she protested.

Jaime whipped his head around once he saw her taking off her shoes, shorts, and top in record time, to leave nothing but the bikini, tossing them into the back of the boat.


He could be quick, but that was even too little time for a quickie for someone like Jaime.

Then there was a great splash. The swan swayed, and the seat beside him was empty.


He leaned over, only to see her in the water.

“What are you doing?” he hissed, meaning to pull her back in, but Brienne swam slightly away.

“Just play along.”

He frowned.

“You’re not the only one who can pull off a distraction,” was all she said before pushing away from the boat mightily, until she reemerged a few feet further away.

“Help! We’re over here! Help!”

She had better acting skills than he thought she would, as honest as she is.

They were momentarily blinded by the flashlights once the boat reached them, Oberyn standing on the bow.

“You two are in trouble, it’s…,” he meant to say, but then Brienne squealed, her head bobbing underwater.

“Hey, I think the woman’s drowning,” one of the men on the boat commented. Oberyn snapped his head around as Brienne resurfaced, gasping for air, sputtering water. Jaime, starting to get the idea, pedaled over to her.

“Take my hand,” he shouted. Brienne grabbed him and Jaime pulled her into the boat, into her lap, water soaking his shorts and linen shirt. She shivered against him from the cold of the water.

Seems that he got her wet after all. Ha.

“Someone explain this to me, now!” Oberyn demanded.

“I, I went for a swim,” Brienne said, shaking violently. “I swam out… I… I underestimated the current… then I had a cramp in my leg, so I couldn’t make it back… I was getting swept away. Jaime saw me, and he came after me, to save me.”

“And what devil possessed you not to call the lifeguards?” Oberyn demanded, not buying it.

“I am a lifeguard myself,” Jaime lied. “And I panicked, alright? A Maiden was in danger!”

“My cameraman said you shook him off.”

“Hey, if they can’t keep up with me, that’s hardly my fault,” Jaime argued. “C’mon, she’s totally cold, she needs warming up. Or else you’ll have to deal with being sued for letting her slip into hypothermia by interrogating us instead of helping.”

Oberyn grumbled, but then ordered the men to help the two over into their boat. He gave a quizzical look at the condoms, but gladly didn’t catch sight of Brienne’s clothes that Jaime had somehow managed to hide from his view once they switched boats.

“Must’ve fallen out of my pocket. I definitely didn’t plan on this,” Jaime said innocently.

They gave Brienne blankets. Jaime wrapped an arm around her, hiding her clothes in the folds of the blanket, glaring at Oberyn, who seemed to seriously feel guilty now because Brienne looked marvelously miserable.

Jaime pulled her head against his shoulder, and while he still ached for her, he couldn’t deny that it felt nice to have her so close to him.

If only I could…

“Seems like we failed,” he muttered, feeling her draw closer to him, and he loved it.

“At least no prison.”

“That whole program is prison, so…”

Oberyn came to them, leaning in close, “Listen, you better make something out of that shining knight rescues the maiden thing or consequences will follow."



Chapter Text

Chapter 71 by ikkiM


Oberyn didn’t even let them return to their rooms. Brienne was handed a bright pink flowered muumuu to wear over her bikini, which both pleased and disappointed Jaime. He certainly didn’t want Gingerwank leering at her, but the muumuu was hideous. It was clearly designed to make her look less of a woman. Idiots. She was more womanly in the strength of her big toe than Lysa was with her leaking tits.

Manip by Wackygoofball


After a brief explanation of their whereabouts, they were seated and told the coupling ceremony would begin. It would be Maiden’s choice. The look Oberyn gave Jaime was beady and bear-like. Jaime could just sense something up that sleazebag’s sleeve. He tingled all over. Gingerwank was looking at Brienne. Leering at her. Brienne barely noticed as Margaery murmured in her ear. Jaime looked at Oberyn, who was looking at Gingerwank, who was still leering at Brienne. Something was wrong. Very wrong. Then it hit Jaime. Gingerwank had won the condom competition and was safe from elimination. Oberyn was going to let him choose a Maiden. And Gingerwank was going to choose Brienne.

Just as Oberyn began to speak about the importance of the ceremony, Jaime jumped up from the couch, placing himself between Brienne and the furry Gingerwank and bear-eyed host. “I choose Brienne,” Jaime announced. Gingerwank growled and pawed himself. Oberyn made a roaring noise at his plan being foiled.

Brienne hissed at him, “Jaime, what are you doing?”

Jaime muttered, “Something stupid,” as he turned to the camera being held by young Podrick, and began speaking. “I know that tonight is Maiden’s choice and while I fully respect this show and it’s procedures and the contracts we signed, but I know that the real goal, the only true, meaningful real goal of this show is give singles like me and Brienne an opportunity to fall in love here in paradise.”

Jaime heard Sansa whisper, “So romantic.”

Jaime grinned at Pod. “That’s why I can’t go through with this ceremony tonight. I didn’t come on this show expecting to fall in love. But as my walls have started to come down, I have developed feelings, real, deep, connecting feelings of real connection that are true. These feelings are true because they are real. And the realness of true makes them special. That’s why I have to stand before you and choose Brienne.” He held his hand out to her and she took it. He pulled her to stand beside him. “And realness and trueness and falling walls are all that matter.” He kissed Brienne softly on the lips and then whisper-sang in her ear. “You’re the love that I’ve looked for. We’ll find some way to escape.”

Jaime noticed Pod tapping Sansa’s foot with his. The girl took the hint and stopped sobbing and started clapping. The rest of the contestants, except Gingerwank, followed suit. Oberyn glared but knew he’d been beaten.

The rest of the ceremony proceeded.

The contestants so far:

Maidens Stags
Brienne Jaime
Sansa Theon
Margaery Renly
Daenerys Daario
Asha Ron
Amy Hyle
Missandei Jon
Lysa Tormund
Tysha Tyrion
Out Ramsay

On the way back to their room his hand clasped in Brienne’s, Jaime turned to Gingerwank, pointed two fingers at him and then pointed at his own eyes, making sure the furry orange bastard knew he was being watched.

Jaime turned to cameraman Pod, who was following them. “So, how many cameras and microphones are secretly hidden in these rooms? Three? Four? I’m sure we can find them all and get real privacy.”

Pod shook his head. “I wouldn’t try it. There are seventeen cameras and mics in each room plus cameras outside each door and window.”

Brienne groaned. “Oh gods.”

Jaime knew he was going to have another night of just holding her. And as long as she was his Maiden, and no one else’s, that would be a perfect night.

Jaime was happily snuggled in bed, when the fire alarms began to blare.


Chapter Text

Chapter 72 by Ellethom


Ten minutes earlier……..

She’d tugged him into her room by his blue beard. She hated that thing but the rest of him was so sexy she could ignore it.

“What are you going to do to me tonight?” Daario asked, failing to hide any artifice or fear.

Dany grinned and shook her head free of the white wig. Underneath that was more white hair. “I am the blood of Old Valyria, whatever I do to you, you should be grateful to have done.”

The blue haired man smiled as she tugged at his shirt. The voice from across the room made both of them jerk. “That’s what I have been saying for years sweet sister.” Viserys stepped into the light of the candles set aflame around the room. “What in the name of Maraxis are you doing here, with him?”

Dany sighed. This was not the first time her brother had decided to show up and pretend to be doting big brother. “What are you doing here, Vis. You know this is supposed to be a secluded island.”

“I AM THE Dragon! He screamed suddenly and without warning. “It is not your place to tell me where to go and what to do!”

Daario stepped between the two siblings. Viserys eyed him with disdain, but Daario would not be thwarted. “Dude, this is seven shades of inappropriate. You know what goes on here, right?”

Dany rubbed her palm over her face. “Not to mention the mics and cameras…”

“Precisely! Viserys huffed. “Which is why I am here. I’ve come to take you home. You are shaming our family name.”

“You’ve beat me to that a hundred times over, Nis.” She turned to Daario. “I am so sorry about this. Ever since that fall he took as a kid trying to ride a stuffed animal out the second story window of our house, he hasn’t been….right.”

“You dare tell me I am damaged?” Viserys shouted. “And for your information, that was a DRAGON!”

“Dude, you seriously need to take a chill pill.” Daario shoved at the younger and thinner man.

“Vis, have you been taking your meds?” she asked. “You seem more...something than usual.”

Viserys towered to his meager height. “You, dear sister, haven’t been right since that ape like creature dumped you last year.”

Dany knew better than to agitate him, this wasn’t even top speed, this wasn't even eleven. But, he was working up to a full tare, and Dany searched the room for a way to contact security. “We both know Drogo died of that staff infection, Vis.” she tried soothingly.

Too late.

Viserys hurled himself at Daario. The blue haired man sidestepped the lanky man and shoved him away. Surprised that a commoner would dare touch him, Viserys flailed into the wall of candles, splaying flame and fire everywhere. “I’m on fire! I’m on fire!” he screamed, dancing around the room and spreading the flames.

Dany grabbed Daario’s hand. “We need to get outta here,” she dragged him to the door.


Manip by Wackygoofball!

Chapter Text

Chapter 73 by GumTree


Although the island seemed to be more like purgatory than paradise, Jaime had fallen asleep with a smile on his face, having foiled their malicious Overlord Oberyn, his henchman, the Gingerbeard, and helped Brienne out of that ridiculous muumuu and into bed. Her underclothes were no more revealing than that bikini of hers, and if the cameras were stopping them from taking full pleasure in one another, then the least Jaime could do was briefly show his maiden off after Oberyn had unjustly stuck her in such a hideous garment. His love's possessive arms around him was the last thing he remembered before The next he knew a strobe light was going off in their room, a klaxxon repeatedly sounding, and his arms held nothing but Brienne's overstuffed pillow. What? What!

"... the fuck..? Brienne? Fuck!"

Jaime shot to his feet in nothing but his boxer shorts, stricken to see smoke beginning to wisp down the hallway.

"Dude, the house is on fire!" someone shouted from the first floor, the sound carrying up the staircase, "Call the fire department, call the cops, he's fucking lost it!"

Jaime ran full speed ahead towards the danger, not knowing what to anticipate. Several doors flung open along the way. Theon burst through his and Sansa's door, clutching her hand. "If we need to jump, we jump together, right??"

"Don't be so dramatic!" the red-head squealed.

Renly and Margaery peeked around the corner before throwing caution to the wind and making a run for it. Hyle chased Amy out into the hallway, half hanging out of his own briefs, an image Jaime hoped to soon forget with a shudder.As for the others...

"Help! Help!" A woman's voice. Jaime rushed forward in a panic and ran face first into a furry auburn chest.

"Did you an' your brother plan this??" Gingerbeard asked angrily with breath that smelt of sour milk.

"Out of my way!" Jaime barreled past the man, uncaring to ask what the hell he was talking about. Through the over-sized windows of the mansion he could already see flashing lights."Brienne! I'm coming!"

"Jaime!" a soft voice cried and to his surprise it was Tysha that came out of the still-smoking room, tears streaking her face. "It's- it's Tyrion!"

Twenty minutes later, Jaime sat in the courtyard, wrapped in a blanket that was barely large enough to cover his shoulders, while Brienne tightly held his hand and tactfully recounted part of the story for the camera. The show was treating it like far more than idiot and some drapes had caught on fire. Queen Daenerys of the Alpaca-Hair had a deranged older brother. Overlord Oberyn had enough security to practically call the coast guard on him and Brienne but not enough to keep a deranged man that thought he was a "dragon" out of the fucking house. The Dragon had started shit and ultimately got burned, not too badly, just enough that he would definitely need some antiseptic and a new wig -- maybe he could ask his sister. Jaime's maiden had heard a strange man yelling in the night and left his arms to protect her stag's honor.

Tyrion, meanwhile, had taken full advantage of Paradise's unlimited bar; he'd always loved dragons as a child, had heard the commotion, went to investigate, and had been just sober enough to pull the fire alarm because, well, dragons caused fire. Jaime didn't know if Tyrion had been the one to extinguish the flaming moron, who stood fifty feet away, screaming in handcuffs, only that his brother had attempted to ride him. The damage to the house was minimal, but it was all being played up for ratings, of course, but Tysha's maidenly tears for concern were real, as she caressed Tyrion's sooty face, as he sat on the EMT stretcher. Just before they loaded him in the island ambulance "just for observation," Jaime saw his brother sneak him a thumbs-up and a shit-eating grin.

Knowing the little prick was fine, Jaime couldn't help but scowl. There would be no cameras allowed in the back of that truck, only medical staff and Tysha. Damn it, he wished he'd thought of that, first. Lucky bastard.



Chapter Text

Chapter 74 by december13



Gif by Wackygoofball


Jaime was feeling good for the first time in a very long time... well, in past two days, but he refused to count. 

Tyrion was unharmed. Yes, he did have a romp in ambulance car with Tysha for which he got a sprain ankle, but Jaime was ready to have his ankle (or other limb) severed just to be alone with Brienne with no hindrance in sight.

And though he took a little delight watching Tyrion be carried around bride style by Tysha, he decided to focus on other good things happening lately.

He let everyone know Brienne was one for him; stupid Gingerwank, stupid Oberyn, stupid audience, stupid Bri... she wasn't stupid, he chuckled to himself, just naive.

They spent very interesting two days together - Oberyn finally did something good, and let all of the participants free to choose how and with whom they'll spend their time, while production crew handled the aftermath of the fire. Or that was what was said to them.

Jaime took Brienne for a walk, they swam, and yes, there were stolen kisses as well. Sure, there was some groping, and what elders would call "the inappropriate touching", but good god it felt right.

Just a few days more, they would be of this idiotic show and idiotic island, and he would have his way with her.

So coming to the late afternoon meeting Oberyn called for, Jaime was sure nothing could go wrong... He was confident!

And he was right. The meeting was going well too. There was the awful moment when Lysa tried to hump Gingerbastard while also trying to trick Jon into drinking the coffee with her milk in it, but otherwise things were going smooth.

"And before I call the meeting of", Oberyn's voice cut through Jaime's inner musings, "I have very exciting things to share with you!"

Sansa and Marg gave a clap, while others looked with interest at him. Jaime noticed Tyrion's brows going down in contemplation, but he refused to believe that anything but best was in store for the end of a day.

"Any of you watched Ex On The Beach?"

Loud gasp coming from Sansa shut down any conversation going on. "You mean... you mean that show where exes come to the same place where participants are and try to... to..."


"Noooo", came from more than one person at the meeting.

"Calm yourself children, I wouldn't be that cruel to you", Oberyn gave a heartily laugh.

"Does that mean you'll be a bit cruel", delivered Renly.

"Don't worry, we wont have your exes here at the island", and just as the voices were going up in excitement, he added "We'll have them coming live from the studio!"

Jaime felt a dread washing all over him. This was bad, this was really bad.


Chapter Text

Chapter 75 by Shareece


“Jaime would you stop pacing,” Brienne asked tiredly, “You’re making me dizzy.”

Jaime stopped pacing as requested, sitting next to her with a sigh. “How can you be so calm about this?” He bit his lip, wishing his brother was here to calm him.

Brienne merely shrugged, glancing away from him with a sigh. “You know, nothing much surprises me anymore with this show. If they want to bring on my old stupid ex then so be it.”

Jaime reached for her hand and played with her fingers as she tried to think of ways to avoid this situation. He sighed. “Brienne, whatever you hear tonight—“ He was cut off by Brienne’s hand over his mouth.

Brienne shook her head. “Remember what we said to each other yesterday? No matter what happens, we’ll stick it through?” She removed her hand.

“Even if it’s weird?”

She frowned at him. “What could be—“ she trailed off with a shake of her head. “Jaime I don’t care. Now lets make out some more?”

He blinked in surprise and grinned. “You have the best ideas.”

Jaime placed his hand on Brienne’s thigh as Oberyn began to speak. He took a healthy drink from the sex on the beach he’d grabbed before this farce of a segment.

“Welcome all. Now it is time to hear spicy details from your exes. The goal of this segment is to test the close connection you all have found. Let’s see if you all have a true connection, or as the song goes, Old Love Never Dies.”

Both Brienne and Jaime rolled their eyes.

Oberyn turned in a circle. “Let’s see, who will go first—“ He stopped and pointed at Brienne. “Brienne, while we had a bit of trouble finding any of your exes, being that they are few and far between…”

Jaime glared as some of the contestants sniggered.

“We were able to find one, which is quite interesting I might add. Maidens and Staggs, I introduce to you, Brienne’s ex, Humfrey Wagstaff!”
“Oh gods.” Brienne groaned as Humfrey’s crinkled old face showed up on the projected screen.

“Hello?” Humfrey said, “Can anyone hear me?”

To say Humfrey was old was an understatement. He had a spotted bold head and a hawkish nose. He looked as though he were going to fall over and die at any minute.

Oberyn spread his arms wide as he grinned. “Welcome to our show Humfrey. Care to tell us how you came to date our lovely Brienne?”

Jaime’s mouth opened in shock.

Humfrey frowned in confusion. “Who? You mean the tall mannish bitch who broke my collarbone and two ribs?”

“Hey!” Jaime called under the ooos and ahhs of the rest of contestants.

Brienne glared at him. “I warned you not to try and force me into your bed Humfrey. You simply didn’t listen old man.”

Humfrey waved his first. “I was doing you a favor! Who else would have wanted you?”

“Don’t talk to her that way!” Jaime growled and Brienne placed a hand on his arm.

“I can defend myself thank you.” She glared at Humfrey. “I’d break the rest of your bones if I had the chance.”

“You need to be shown a proper woman’s place. I warn anyone who dares get close to this one. Watch out! She’ll break you faster than you can blink your eyes!” with that the screen turned blank and Jaime’s eyes turned to glance at her with a raised eyebrow.

“Given the fact that I’m nearly ten years your senior, I figured you liked older guys, but-“

“Jaime,” Brienne warned. “Don’t.”

“He’s practically a crypt keeper!” He crowed with laughter.

Brienne turned away from him. “I hate you.” She muttered turning away from him.

“Don’t laugh so fast Jaime.” Oberyn countered. “It’s your turn.”

Jaime quickly sobered. “Shit.”



Chapter Text

Chapter 76 by Ellethom


Fabness by Wackygoofball


He knew it would be her. Deep down in his bones, before they even called her name he kbnew. Of all the exes they could have found.

“Is this thing on?” The face from his past wafted onto the screen. “Is this thing on? Okay okay. You don't have to shout.” Melara turned her face to the camera. Jaime was struck how little she had changed in the 15 years since he had last seen her.

“Oh gods.” he said. Breinne‘s hand closed around his and squeezed. “Bad ex?” she asked. “Can’t be any worse than mine.”

“Oh, she wasn't so bad but.” He turned to Brienne while the woman on screen continued to fumble with her clip on mic. “Whatever you hear, it's going to be fine. I promise.”

“I don’t under--”

“Jaime freakin’ Lannister!” Melara shouted far too loudly. “Well look at you! Still hot as ever.”

“Nice to see you too, Mellie. How are you?”

Melara held up her arm to the camera. A long and ghastly scar worked around her otherwise porcelain skin. “How’s Cersei? SHe still crazy?”

“Who’s Cersei?” Brienne asked, wondering if there was another ex she had yet to hear about.

“Oh, you know.” Jaime said, trying to ignore the snickers from his little brother. “She’s the same.”

Melara nodded. “I bet she is. You know i spent like all night in that hole.”

“That was an accident.” Jaime said, withering into his seat.

“That’s not what she said, Jaime. And I quote ‘I will push your scrawny ass into another hole if you ever hurt my brother.’”

“Sister?” Brienne squeaked, looking at Jaime in horror.

“Twin.” Tyrion snickered. “And a bit over protective. She takes her older sibling duties a bit too far.”

Jaime continued to stare at the attractive woman he once considered marrying. “You know, that was sort of your fault. I did warn you not to go on that hiking trip with her.”

Melara’s features contorted into a mask of pure hatred. “She tried to run me over with her car too..”

“Also an unproven accident.” Jaime defended. Cersei was a terror to his girlfriends. Every single one of them. She once waited for one of his girlfriends outside of high school for two hours. With a bat. And a morgue bag. And an alibi.

It was just her way. She didn't want to see anyone she loved hurt. She was much worse with her kids now. She had recently terrorized the school psychiatrist who suggested that her oldest would benefit from therapy and a high level script.

His car being smashed in his parking garage was another coincidence altogether.

“Jaime,” Brienne spoke from his side, he glanced at her and took in her confused expression. “Should she be out in society?”

“That’s for the judge to decide.” Tyrion fired. “But really, you have nothing to worry about, Brienne. I’m sure you will pass muster.”

“Has anyone?” Brienne asked.

Jaime and Tyrion shared a look while the next in line was reacquainted with his failed lover. Brienne seemed ready to bolt and Tysha wasn’t looking any better.

“She’s not that bad,” Jaime tried. “She’s just, passionate.”



Chapter Text

Chapter 77 by December13


“She’s not that bad,” Jaime tried. “She’s just, passionate.”

Dany heard Jaime talking to someone, or, she thought it could be Jaime... She didn't particularly care for others around her.

She came to this god awful show to have some fun, see what's up in dating world, and to get laid. Now that she have Daario for the later, she didn't bother with learning names of her "teammates".

But now, she had pressing matters to handle. She was called by that fool Oberyn, as a next person to be reintroduced to her ex.

She wondered who could that be. But, nothing could prepare her to the face that came up on a screen.


"Hello, Jorah, it's... adequate to see you again."

Gif by Wackygoofball


"Not nice or great or maybe good?"

"Let's stick to the adequate."

"Sure, Dany, sure, whatever you say!"

"So, Jorah, what can you say about this girl that we haven't found out yet?", Oberyn cut in, thinking to himself about who to have fired after this disastrous segment - he couldn't believe that the only person the morons of his assistants managed to find to rill Dany up was this boring person.

"Oh, well, I'm not certain that I'll find the words to describe the amazingness of one and onl- "

"Try", added Oberyn dryly. Seriously, the heads will roll!

"She is pretty... She is smart... She owns a remarkable collection of wigs..."

"Yes, yes, we already know that, something else?!", Oh, but the heads will roll!!!

"Well... She has a gentle heart. She's not only to be respected and feared, but to be loved. Someone who can rule and should rule. Centuries come and go without a person like that coming into the world. There are times when I look at her, and I still can't believe she's real".


"You dated this one?!", Daario was staring at her like she sprouted another head.

"You are kind, Jorah", Dany was giving him exasperated look, then turning to Daario added in smaller voice, "Not dating... just... he was father's business partner, he was around... followed me like a lost puppy."

"And I wanted to say that I would die for you. I will never abandon you. I'm sworn to prote- "
"Yes, lovely, thank you Jorah", Oberyn was seething with barely contained rage, " I'm just being informed we don't have more time for you, we do have to tend to our other guests!"

The sound of furniture being broken, studio staff yelling, and other commotion could be heard coming from a screen. Then the bloody head of non other than Ramsey showed up, screaming into the camera: "Asha! Asha, I love you!!! You were the one to show me the best sex in my life! By overpowering me! By being the bigger man than me! You are the one..."

And the screen went black.



Chapter Text

Chapter 78 by FaerieChild


Later, as they sat on the beach together drinking mojitos, Brienne turned to Jaime and sighed.

“Come on!” Brienne nudged him. “You can't tell me you were shitting yourself that hard over your sister being mean.”

“Look, Brienne, there's something...I mean something you should know if...if we're going to do this.”

Brienne laughed loudly. “Worse than my father setting me up with every octogenarian this side of the Vale?”

“Hey! Now at least that has a little bit of sense. They die in a couple of years and you get all their money, right? Women do it all the time.”

“You're evading,” Brienne prodded.

“Look, we were close growing up, ok, and we were twins so our...connection...was a little bit closer than your standard brother-sister relationship.” Jaime reached into his back pocket and drew out his wallet. Inside it was a collection of three human faces and a bunch of cats. He handed it over. Nearby a beach blower began rearranging the sand to make the beach look more picturesque and the roar of the engine creating so much background noise it muffled their microphones giving Jaime a moment he couldn't pass up. “Look, Brienne, I'm shitting myself about you finding out the truth here and there are microphones everywhere. What I'm trying to tell you is, Cersei wasn't just jealous of Melaria as a sister, ok?” Then Jaime leaned over and whispered something in her ear.

All the air escaped from Brienne's lungs. She stared at Jaime as he pulled back, her eyes wide and unblinking.

Fab manip by Justme!


Jaime stared down at his mojito, he stared off at the horizon, anything to avoid meeting her eye.

“Jaime, look at me.”

He glanced in her direction, afraid to meet Brienne's eye.

“I can't pretend I'm not shocked, but I've spent my life being judged by others.”

“It ended,” Jaime insisted.

“I guessed that much. Who broke up with who?”

“I did. I always thought it was something special. Turns out Cersei thought it was something special with my cousin and her security guards and half the fucking entertainment staff as well. Even now every time I try to date she fucks it up for me.”

“That must have hurt. Do you see them?” Brienne asked softly.

“Not really. They don't know.” Jaime took another sip of his mojito.

The sand blower was moving past, their window of background noise passing and already Pod was marching towards them, camera in hand, Pod's face clearly telling Brienne that he wanted to know what was up. Brienne smiled at Jaime warmly and projected her voice as the background noise faded. “Well, nice try Jaime Lannister but I'm not letting you win the stakes of 'worst ex' that easily!”

He stared at her dumbfounded. In the background Jaime could see a camera approaching.

Brienne jerked her head in Pod's direction and give Jaime a meaningful look.

Finally, he cottoned on. “Oh come on!” Jaime threw his hands up, sloshing mojito everywhere, making a fuss for the cameras. “You can't leave that story there!”

Pod raced over to them, sensing a camera-worthy moment.

Brienne couldn't wait to get off this blasted 'paradise' and back to normality. “Well,” She hammed it up for the cameras, “The nightclub was next to the zoo and there was a misunderstanding about the meaning of the word 'bear'. How was I to know it was a gay night club?”

Jaime doubled over laughing. Brienne caught his giggles and while the camera men were distracted, Brienne discreetly slipped Jaime's wallet back in his pocket.



Chapter Text

Chapter 79 by ikkiM


Brienne was tired and all she wanted to do was go home and think. The new information Jaime had shared didn’t exactly scare her away, but she needed some time to process. Pod had led Jaime off to do some talking head interviews about feelings and connections as Brienne made her way to the tiki bar.

She sat down and ordered a drink, and of course the bartender gave her something sweet and fruity. She just didn’t care. It seemed that Maidens and Stags was an experience best enjoyed drunk.

Manip by Bearsofair!


The stool beside her scraped and someone climbed up to sit beside her. She turned to see Tyrion, Jaime’s brother. He knocked his drink against hers. “So, how’s my big brother?” He asked.

Brienne smiled, “Jaime is wonderful,” she hiccuped a little, “Your sister, not so much.”

Tyrion nodded, “I know, believe me I know.”

She looked him straight in the eye. “Do you?”

Tyrion sighed, “Seems you know too. And how do you feel about that?”

Brienne finished the fresh drink the bartender had placed before her, “Are you asking me to talk about my feelings?”

Tyrion threw his head back and laughed. “And about your connections, your walls and what’s real and true.”

She found she like Tyrion and wished she could have another night with him jumping on the bed and eating popcorn. She leaned over and whispered in the small man’s ear. “I think I’m in love with him.” She drew back and nodded sagely.

“For real and true or really?”

Brienne puckered her lips. “Really I think. And how is Tysha?”

He nodded twice, “Really.”

She knocked her head against his. “What are we going to do?”

The bartender, Belwas, leaned in as he placed fresh drinks before them, “Well,” he looked left and the right, “I’m not supposed to tell you this, but because of the fire and all of the other drama, Oberyn is speeding up the timeline. I think you’re all going to have to make the decision to break up or get married much sooner than you thought.” He leaned back and crossed his strong arms over his chest.

“Break up or get married? Why isn’t there a third choice to just keep dating and see where it goes?” Brienne asked as she sucked down another fruity concoction.

Tyrion patted her thigh. “Not enough drama. Now let’s get you back to my brother.”

Brienne found herself lurching towards the bungalow she’d been sharing with Jaime. Jaime. Wonderful golden Jaime with his secrets and his kisses and his magic finger hands. She felt Tyrion push her lightly through the doorway and she fell on the bed. She really should shower and put on some pajamas. But there was Jaime, hovering above her and asking her if she was well. She heard him arguing with Tyrion about Brienne not being able to hold liquor like a Lannister. She could hold her liquor all right. She didn’t need to be a Lannister to hold her liquor. She was holding some in her right hand right now. She took a sip. It was actually water.

Jaime was crawling in bed with her right now. She wrapped herself around him. She wanted to date him, get to know him, and not be pressured into more. He was always so warm and comfortable. Like a manly pillow of good-smelling skin. Just as she drifted off to sleep she whispered in his ear, “Jaime, I don’t want to marry you.”


Chapter Text

Chapter 80 by Nurdles


Brienne was still mostly asleep, that odd half-sleep when you're just beginning to sober up, your head spinning and your body humming with anticipation as your senses come back online. Every point of contact with Jaime felt infused with magic. He didn't seem to be angry about her opinion on marriage, though she remembered seeing the hurt in his eyes just as she'd passed out hours ago.

"Brienne, sweetling, we don't have to talk marriage," he was saying, "After all, no one actually goes through with it when the show ends." He kissed her neck, and the edge of her jaw, and she felt him put another water glass in her hand. "Drink this, Wench. It'll sober you up."

And then his warmth was gone and she shivered in the empty bed.

"I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long
Like a worn-out recording, of a favorite song

The odious words of the Pina Colada song thundered from the stereo and Brienne's eyes flew open. Was he trying to prove a point about relationships that aren't faithful? Worst relationship song ever. Jaime switched out the lights and crawled back in the bed with her.

"Do you remember how we were able to talk earlier when the beach equipment drowned out our microphones?"

"Yes..?" Brienne said.

"I put the music on a loop. I'm sorry to spoil the mood with this shitty song, but I thought…"

Brienne groaned. "You want to talk about what I said about marriage?"

"No!" Jaime said loudly, then lowered his voice seductively, "I want to make love to you."

"But the cameras…"

"We'll stay under the covers. They can have all the footage of that they want; I don't care at this point."

Brienne downed the glass of water and set it aside. Could this be it finally? Jaime was shucking off his pajama pants and she didn't need to be asked to shed her clothes and kick them out of the bed.

Yes, I like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain
I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne

Jaime moved to cover her with his body, pulling the blankets over their heads. Brienne wanted to do her share in the lovemaking department, but her man was all aggression as his lips moved down her body, grazing her hard nipples and nibbling down the soft swell of her belly. She put her hands in his hair as he nudged her thighs apart. She raised her knees, making a tent over him as his lips grazed between her legs and she tried not to wriggle, not to gasp aloud.

When he parted her folds with his fingers and his warm tongue found her sweet spot, she cried out and then froze in fear.

You're the lady I've looked for, come with me and escape the song wailed in the background. Jaime raised his head, "No one can hear you but me," he said, "and I really want to hear you, my lady."

He lowered his head again and she tightened her fingers in his soft hair, letting him draw sounds from her she'd never made before.

"Ah, now that's decent lubrication," Jaime sighed as she shuddered through her first climax.

"Jaime, I need you. Please, please – I want to feel you inside of me."

He kissed his way back up her body, pausing just long enough roll on a condom. Brienne reached down to guide him, though he seemed to know the way. She felt the head of his cock at her entrance and then he'd pushed inside and both of them groaned almost loud enough to be heard above the music as they began moving to a rhythm all their own.

"Brienne," Jaime sighed, "Say what you like, but I will marry you someday."


Gif linked by Quinn

Chapter Text

Chapter 81 by bearsofair


Brienne awoke as the first rays of morning light filtered through the bungalow, and warmed her bare freckled skin. She smiled to herself when she realized that Jaime's arm was draped possessively over her waste, his body coiled tightly behind hers, and his steady breathing lightly tickling the hairs at the nape of her neck. This felt so right.

Last night Jaime had told her, "Brienne, say what you like, but I will marry you someday." For a moment all she could do was stare at him wide-eyed and dumbstruck as he searched her face for any kind of reaction. But then the weight of everything caught up to her and she was overwhelmed by it. Her eyes moistened, her lips trembled, and all she could do was silently nod before she pulled him back to her mouth with one hand, while she used the other to urge his hips to resume their punishing rhythm once again. It didn’t take more that a few more thrusts before his body tensed, he shuttered his release, and collapsed heaving on top of her.

“You’ll have to forgive me for not making that last longer,” he panted through a chuckle. “But I’ve been waiting far too long to do that.”

Brienne had relished the weight of his body on hers, and wrapped her long arms around him as she kissed his temple. “It was perfect,” she said smiling, “And you’ll have time to make it up to me.” And oh, did he ever! Repeatedly in fact, and well into the night with that damn Pina Colada song looping over and over again. He had awakened something in her, and she didn’t think she’d ever be the same.

“Alright stags and maidens!” Bellowed Oberyn. Everyone had been instructed to meet that afternoon for news of the next date activity, although Brienne would have preferred spending the day in her bungalow with Jaime.

“I think you’ll really enjoy today’s date!” continued Oberyn. “Allow me to introduce you to Bronn, your surf instructor! He’ll be showing you the basics, and then you and your partner will be able to practice together!”

Everyone waded into the water where Bronn gave a demonstration and went over safety precautions. Meanwhile Oberyn plopped himself in a lounge chair on the beach with a drink in hand as he meticulously surveyed everyone in the water.

Jaime and Brienne were handed their surfboard and, and Brienne was testing her balance on it while Jaime held her hand and steadied her. Just then, Oberyn leaned over and switched on a boombox at his feet, and a familiar tune…a VERY familiar tune started playing. It took her by surprised, and she found herself loosing her balance and toppling off the surfboard and into the water, bringing Jaime down with her.

Bronn spotted the commotion and waded towards them. “And how are you kids doing over here?”

“Fine! Fine!” said Brienne embarrassed and red faced. But as she glanced over at Jaime who was smirking while water dripped from his stupid, sexy hair, she realized that he knew full well why the familiar song had her so frazzled. "Oh, shut up!" she said splashing water in his face. That only made him laugh harder.


Chapter Text

Chapter 82 by Shareece


Brienne straddled the surf board as Jaime floated beside her, whistling the tune from Escape, his hand gently caressing up and down her thigh as he did so. “You know I’ll never look at that song the same again.” She commented and Jaime’s grin widened.

“Me neither.” He said, still softly humming along to song Oberyn deemed to play. “I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face…” he ran his finger down the side of Brienne’s cheek.

“You’re very cheesy.” She commented.

“I know,” Jaime said. “It’s pathetic, but I don’t care.” The more the song played, the more his thoughts turned to the previous night of lovemaking they shared. “This can be our song.”

Brienne nodded in agreement. “Yes. I think it is our song.”

They took the time to stare sappily into each other’s eyes.

“Oh for fuck sakes!” Bronn said gruffly, as he paddled over to them. “Either surf or fuck or get the fuck out of the water.” He paddled away from them.

“Well,” Jaime said, raising his eyebrows up and down. “What do you say, my lady? Surf or fuck?”

Brienne blushed. “Jaime!” She glanced around, frowning when she noticed Tormund and Lysa floating by them. She lied on her board and began to paddle. “Let’s go.”

Brienne’s neck arched as Jaime’s lips kissed a trail down the side of her throat. “Why do you think Oberyn let us slide by so easily?” She asked, moaning low in her throat as his fingers expertly stroked between her legs. Their new favorite song blasted throughout the room.

“Don’t know,” Jaime lowered his lips over one taut nipple, “Don’t care.” He gently sucked, increased the pressure of his lips as her moans increased. He slipped two fingers inside of her. “Fuck, Brienne, so wet.” He murmured as his lips moved toward her other breast.

“Gods,” Brienne moaned as she spread her thighs wider. Her hips moved against his fingers. Sweat beaded on both of their skins. It would be much easier to breathe and move around if they hadn’t been underneath the sheet. “Jaime,” She reached for him as he moved his lips back to her own. His fingers continued their ministrations as their mouths moved hungrily against one another. The familiar pressure of her oncoming climax increased as he rubbed his thumb against her clit. “Oh!” she cried out and Jaime pulled away to watch her as she fell apart in his arms, trembling.

“I’ll never tire of seeing that.” Jaime murmured with a small chuckle.

Brienne gave him a shy smile. She reached up, moving his golden hair from his eyes. “If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of a cape.” She sang softly along, smiling as Jaime grinned down at her. He settled between her legs, sighing as she wrapped them around his waist.

“You’re the love that I’ve looked for come with me, and escape.” They both moaned and giggled, unaware of the carefully placed microphone directly beside them underneath the sheet that covered the bed.


Chapter Text

Chapter 83 by QuizzicalQuinnia


“Are you prepared, my dear?” Oberyn purred at her, his eyes pure sex and sleaze. He glanced at the tanned woman next to him. “Ellaria, don’t you think we should put her on the list?”

The woman scanned her head to toe. “Mmm, yes. Delicious.”

The newest Maiden crossed her arms defiantly. “I’m on no list, and you promised my artisanal paintballs would be used on a date!”

Oberyn slyly glanced away and straightened his bolero. “The opportunity has not presented itself, which is why we summoned you now.” He grinned widely again. “You’re our stealth Maiden! The group is not expecting anyone new today. Stir things up, take who you want. Whoever you want.”

Ellaria handed over a gold envelope with a stiff card inside. Stealth Maiden slid the card out and read, Chase a stag, or maybe some tail, combat on the beach will surely not fail!

Oh brother. Stealth Maiden sighed and meandered down through the grounds, the feel of two burning gazes singing her ass. Her faux fur bikini was already getting too hot.

She headed to the bar first, assuming most people would be gathered there. Only a few other Maidens were there sipping neon drinks. She ordered a straight vodka.

“Oh gods, you scared us!” a frail-looking ginger sister shouted.

“That’s a bit daft,” Stealth Maiden said, downing the vodka and absorbing the glare of another girl next to the frail one.

“Margaery,” the girl nodded her head like a douche.

“Nice,” said Stealth Maiden.

She moved on to the beach, passing through a passage of thick bamboo stalks. On one side, grunting noises made it sound like warthogs were fucking. She pushed some bamboo away to see two moderately attractive guys going at it, one wearing a crew shirt. Scandalous!

Not much further down, there was a platform with big bed on it. Some tiny girl with fake platinum hair had her feet resting in the lap of blue-bearded dude, receiving a half-assed massage while moaning. Stealth Maiden suspected the moans were as fake as the hair.

Down on the beach, a volleyball game was in swing. A pretty girl with dark skin and a pixie played on one side, and a giant ass (she could just tell), and a guy she thought she might know, all gingerbeard and gleaming sex eyes and no cock outline, were on the other side.

She walked right past them. There was a log nearby, and a cute little dwarf sat there watching the pixie.

“Hey,” she said.

The dwarf seemed to find her fur bikini amusing. He nodded and returned to his fixation.

A cloud of gross smoke swirled around. She spotted a skinny dude crouched on the sand, inhaling from what looked like a bong made of a dead crab and a plastic straw.

“What you smokin’?” she asked.

The skinny due had wild eyes and that annoying island accent. He blinked a lot. “Kelp.”


The guy nodded.

She turned her attention to the water where a super hot guy was messing around with another sort of cute dude in a bikini top. Wait, that was a woman! Weird. The hot one grabbed his partner around the waist and dunked her under. She pushed him down too, and when they came up, their tongues were battling like swords. They looked into it. Huh.

There was just no one to talk to!

She kept moving, towards some voices arguing. She ran into two women who were both topless and shouting at each other. The one with saggy tits kept poking the other one.

“My tits are not old lady tits! They produce the water of life! They nourish the world!”

“You’re old and gross! Stopping putting your gross old milk in everything!”

Saggy tits slapped a hand over the other one’s mouth. “I will push you off the roof, Amy, I swear! That’s a secret!!!!”

Stealth Maiden shuddered.

She was moving so far down the beach that she’d end up alone. More voices…did she even want to find out?

She shrugged to herself. On a secluded divan half-hidden by palms, a rough-looking chick was taking a tennis racket to some greasy-looking guy’s ass.

“That’s it, pony, you bad pony!” Smack.

“Asha, stop! Ow!” the dude squealed.

“Bad, bad pony!” the chick screamed. “Stop being lame, Hyle or no more fucking!”

“I can’t handle you!” he screamed.

“Oh, I know,” the crazy scary chick laughed.

Stealth Maiden was about ready to hightail it out of there. She could market her artisanal paintballs somewhere else.

And then, on the last stretch of beach, a sad looking guy with emo hair and emo eyes glanced up. He was tiny but hot. He licked his lips. She thought his tongue might do some interesting things.

“Hey,” she said. “I’m Ygritte.”

The lad stood and didn’t know what to do with his hands. “Jon,” he said. “Jon Snow.”

“Cool. So what’s going on here? Crazy stuff, right?”

“Uh, yeah. Sure. I just…stay out of the way.”

Ygritte shook her head and shoved the date card at him. “You know nothing, Jon Snow.”


Gif linked by Quinn

Chapter Text

Chapter 84 by justme


"Attention stags and maidens!" Oberyn began during breakfast, tapping his spoon against his glass of orange juice.

"Oh what fresh hell is it now? Our parents? I don't even know 50 percent of mine!" Jaime heard Jon Snow mutter at the table next to him and Brienne. Well, if it came to that, he would have nothing to worry about for once. His father would rather chew off his own arm than appear on reality tv. However, as tired as he was after that wonderful, amazing, fantastic night he shared with Brienne, he still gave his full attention to their director. You never knew with Oberyn.

"As you know we've been not following schedule after that unfortunate incident with the hotel room fire. It pleases me to say that the aftermath of that is now taken care of and we will resume activities today!"

"I'd rather resume our private activities again, the sooner the better." Jaime whispered to Brienne with a wink. She promptly turned beet red, making him smile. He loved how shy she was when it came to talking about certain things and how much..the opposite.. when it came to actually doing them. That contrast was very alluring.

"Later today, our new maiden will join in the fun and we will have a paintball competition. The winners get a selection of edible bodypaints, provided by our sponsors, and they also get a surprise."

Surprise was never a good word coming from Oberyn's mouth and the other contestants seemed to share that opinion since there were wary looks all around the room.

"What surprise?" Hyle yelled.

"If he told you that it wouldn't be much of a surprise, now would it? You'll just have to win the paintballing competition, Pony. I mean, Hyle." Theon snickered.

"How did you--Asha! You said you wouldn't tell!"

"I didn't," the aforementioned shrugged, "not my fault you whinny so loudly."

"Oh I saw part of the horse show on the dailies, I've made friends with the editing team." Theon continued. "I've gotten no action since I've been on this island, I gotta live vicariously through someone."

"That's really gross." Brienne spoke up.

"Relax, I'm not watching you guys. Not again. I like my porn with visuals and with you two it's just a moving blanket with 'Oh Brienne' and 'Yes Jaime, just like that'. Y'all are boring."

"But..." Her eyes became wide. They'd had that stupid Pina Colada song blasting at full volume every time! And still they could be heard? Now her father and everyone and their aunt would be listening to her and Jaime making love? Oh Gods. Her septa had been right: Nothing good came from having sex.

"It's gonna be okay.." Jaime tried to calm her down. As much as he loved her blushing, right now her skin had lost all color and that was not enticing. "What's done is done, right?"

"Right." Brienne managed to say after a pause. She couldn't, she wouldn't regret making love to Jaime. There had to be a way to get those tapes though and erase just that bit. Maybe they could sneak off during the paintballing or later tonight? Even editors had to sleep. Right?



Chapter Text

Chapter 85 by bearsofair


When the stags and maidens had assembled for the paintball tournament and had been decked from head to toe in paintball gear. He instructed them that both partners had to survive in order to qualify as the winner.

Then Oberyn introduced the maiden. A fiery, confident redhead, who immediately walked up to Jon and casually slung an arm over his shoulder, declaring him her paintball partner.

“Jaime,” Brienne whispered, her blue eyes peering out from her paintball goggles. “The cameras will be on us. How are we going to slip away without them noticing?”

“We’ll just have to keep our eyes peeled for an opportunity. And like you said, if we don’t get the chance, there’s always tonight.”

“Alright contests!” Oberyn yelled cheerily, “You will be escorted to your starting positions, and when you hear the air horn you may begin! May the best couple win!”

Jaime and Brienne were escorted to their starting point, and unfortunately a cameraman accompanied them as well.

The airhorn sounded and they took off running before crouching behind a course barrier.

“What’s the game plan?” Jaime asked as a purple paintball whizzed over his shoulder.

“Stay alert!” she said, pushing past him and shooting Lysa squarely in the chest, causing her to sink to her knees and wail dramatically.

“Nicely done!” Jaime said rather impressed.

“This way.” They shuffled to another barrier.

“Pssst. Jaime. Brienne.” whispered Tyrion “Form an alliance with Tysha and me.”

And as soon as Jaime agreed, a paintball hit Tyrion in his facemask.

“Nooo! Brother!” shrieked Jaime.

“Get ahold of yourself Jaime!” said Brienne.

“Yeah really,” said Tyrion as Tysha wiped the paint from his goggles.

Jaime peaked over the barrier and watched as Theon managed to take out Hyle, before getting hit by Dany, who was in turn hit by Ron. Jaime poked his head over the barrier and shot Ron. It was the least he could do for Brienne. The guy had been an ass to her after all.

“Should we make an escape?” asked Brienne.

“I think so,” replied Jaime.

“May I have your attention contestants?” called Oberyn over a megaphone. There are three couples remaining. Couples, please make your way into the inner arena so we can have a final showdown.”

“Now we can’t leave,” sighed Jaime.

In the inner arena they were faced with Margaery and Renly and Ygritte and Jon. The air horn blew and Ygritte quickly took down Margaery eliminating their team.

Brienne and Jaime stood back to back, Brienne and Jon aiming their guns at one another, and Jaime and Ygrrite aiming their guns at one another, in some sort of ridiculous standoff. Just one shot and the game would be over. In a split second decision, Jaime and Brienne had both made the decision to fire, causing Oberyn to declare them the winners over the megaphone.

He raced down to the arena to congratulate them. “And now for your surprise! Follow me!”

He led them to what looked to be a small beach house further down the beach. "You will be experiencing a night in our fantasy suite! Ta-daa! He said pushing the door open.”

“What the hell?! screamed Brienne. They gaped at the tacky room. Red carpet. Red walls. A disco ball circling lazily. A red gaudy heart-shaped bed in the middle of the room. A heart-shaped hot tub bubbling in the corner. Rose petals everywhere. Champagne chilling, and a selection of edible body paints on the nightstand alongside a heaping bowl of condoms.

“Awesome!” exclaimed Jaime running over to the bed and flinging himself on to it. Smiling over to where she stood speechless.

“I’ll leave you to it.” Oberyn winked. “Oh, and if you need anything, there’s a staff member in the bungalow just outside to accommodate you with room service or anything else you might need. Have fun!”

“Jaime! We were supposed to sneak out to get those tapes tonight. And now we can’t because we’re stuck in a room that looks like it could be a porno set! This is a setup!”

“But Brienne! Look! The bed vibrates!”


Banner by Quinn

Chapter Text

Chapter 86 by WackyGoofball


“Stop playing with the vibrating bed!” Brienne cried out as Jaime continued moving from one spot to the other by letting the vibration take him.

“I need one of these.”

“Jaime, focus!”

“I don’t care about what anyone else may think of us. Let them talk,” he said, grabbing her by the wrist to pull her down on the bed next to him, his glance much more sincere.

“… Turn off the vibrations, or else I won’t have serious conversation with you.”

He groaned, but obeyed anyway.

“Look, I want you to understand that… I am not ashamed of it or so. Never. It’s just that I don’t want this on television. It’s…,” she grasped his hand more tightly. “It should be just us.”

She flopped her upper body down on the bed. Jaime copied her movement, both their legs dangling over the edge.

“They will… show the tapes… And add in what will likely happen tonight and there you go with some awesome entertainment.” Jaime gestured.

At some point Jaime still considers to just fuck it… literally.

“… We can’t change it,” Brienne breathes, but then she turns her head to Jaime. He cocks an eyebrow at her, “Changed your mind about the Good Vibrations?”

“No,” she huffed, but then she leaned over to him, whispering in his ear, “There might be a way that we can… neutralize the tapes.”

She leaned in impossibly closer to whisper into Jaime’s ear, and his grin broadened with every second passing.


“Do you have a better idea?”

“Can’t harm to try, even if I hoped for more Good Vibrations.”

“You’ll get enough of that… once it’s time,” she promised. Jaime pulled her in for a kiss.

“Then let’s make for some awesome television,” Jaime said, mimicking Oberyn’s voice. Brienne snorted, flipping her head back down again.

Jaime leaned down to kiss down her neck a few more times with a grin.


Later that night, the two started their little game. The crewman assigned to them brought in whatever they ordered – and the two made sure to keep the man running for the most outrageous things. Pink popcorn, water guns, a sombrero…

“You said we’d get, I quote, ‘anything else we might need’, so… we need those things, desperately!” Jaime had said as the poor man almost crawled his way back to their room.

“It’s impressive that he finds these things,” Jaime commented, watching down on the collection of random clubber.

“Don’t let that distract you.”

The man came back in with a plush lion, a flashlight, and a boombox that looked like it came out of the last century.

“That would be all,” Jaime said with an overly nice grin. The man grunted, dragging himself back out of the room.

“That guy’s gonna sleep within minutes.”

Jaime saw the cameras shift in the room. Yeah, they were being watched carefully.

Over in the headquarters, Oberyn loomed over the screens.

“Just what are they up to? They should long since be… at it.”

“Yeah, no, those two are goofing around,” Ellaria noted.

And in fact they were. It started out with a water gun fight, followed by splattering each other with the body paint, though all modest in swimwear, eating, drinking, singing along to Pina Colada on the boombox…

“They have to be kidding me. I am so going to use the material from the previous nights,” Oberyn growled. “And add some saucy music.”

“Wait, they got on the bed.”

“They are… eating popcorn.”

Jaime leaned in for a lazy kiss, nibbling on her neck, “Hm, the paint’s not the almost bad.”

“Focus,” Brienne muttered under her breath, side-glancing the cameras. He pulled Brienne over to sit on his lap.

“Now, now!” Ellaria said.

“Want to get under the sheets, my lady?” Jaime said loudly.

“Oh, yes,” Brienne moaned enthusiastically. “But… it’s so hot in here. I don’t know if I can…”

“Well, then we can go without. Who cares, right?”

“Jackpot!” Oberyn called out, but then Brienne rolled back down from him… and started crying out for Jaime as though Jaime was going down on her right at this moment, when in fact he was eagerly eating popcorn, giggling like a teenager before joining in, letting the vibrations of the bed take him even further away from her.

“Oh, yes, Jaime!”

She started playing around with the blanket after all, kicking at it underneath.

“Come with me, Brienne!”

“This doesn’t grow old!” she called out loudly. “This is still so much fun!”

Tyrion shall be blessed.

“Fuck!” Oberyn threw his headset to the ground.

“What? We can still show it.”

“But since this was a big event, we’ll have to show footage of the surprise. There’s no way I can link that to the tapes we have of them.”

“That means…”

“They played us… for now.”

“… They are waving at the camera.”

Obeyn went on throwing a tantrum as Ellaria decided that she needed some pink popcorn.


Chapter Text

Chapter 87 by ikkiM


Brienne grinned at Jaime as he pulled the chunks of honeydew from her helping of breakfast fruit salad. She reached over and sorted out his grapes. In only a few days, they had learned so much about each other, had some much fun together. It was all so familiar and comfortable. It was hard to recall a time when all she could think about was getting off this island. A thought occurred to her. She turned to Jaime.

“Where do you live?” She asked him. It simply hadn’t occurred to her what would happen when they left the Summer Isles.

He swallowed his pineapple before answering. “I grew up in Lannisport, worked for years in King’s Landing and now Tyrion and I have our own startup. Why?”

She blinked at him. King’s Landing was awful. It was a city full of cutthroats and vipers and the crime rate was appalling. “Jaime, I live and work in Torrhen’s Square.”

He stared at her. “That’s eight hours north of King’s Landing and cold. Very cold.”

“Ten hours,” she corrected.

Jaime shrugged.

Brienne could feel everything falling apart. Then Jaime’s arms were around her and he was stroking her back. “Brienne, I can work from anywhere. It doesn’t matter. We’ll find a way to be together.”

She’d just looked up respond when a voice interrupted.

“So, big brother, Tysha manages an organic pig farm in White Harbor,” Tyrion said. “Father is so going to hate that. He may never eat bacon again.”

Jaime turned to him with a grin, “So you’re suggesting we move our base of operations north?”

Tyrion shoved a nearly black piece of bacon in his mouth and nodded.

Jaime squeezed her. “See, everything is working out. Nothing can go wrong now. We’ve managed to meet each other, fall in love, you’ve avoided the grubby paws of Gingerwank, I’m well away from Lysa. I’ll move to be closer to you. All we have to do is get through the rest of this show and then we can go home and be together.”

He was right. What more could go wrong? They’d avoided cameras and fires and sprays of breast milk. They could get through anything.

Oberyn clapped his hands, “Maidens and Stags, I have an announcement to make. As we are nearing the finale when you all must decide if you’ve found true love and wish to marry or if you’re ending your relationships, I’ve brought in a relationship counselor to speak with you all, as couples. May I announce the renowned Dr. Qyburn.”

A small, creepy looking man with tiny spectacles and weirdly small hands stood before them. “Maidens and Stags, I’ll be meeting with you, and taking this time to tear apart your psyches to see if you truly match. They will be a talk therapy session, but beforehand, each of you will be filling out these relationship questionnaires individually so you can see if your life goals and priorities are compatible. If I find a couple is not compatible, they may be forced to leave Paradise.”

Brienne felt a knot forming in her stomach.


Chapter Text

Chapter 88 by Nurdles


"Why do you look so scared, sweetling?" Jaime asked. Brienne's face had gone from red to white to greenish and back again in a cycle not unlike the cheaper variety of Winterfest lights.

"What if we fail, Jaime? What if he doesn't see that we're meant for each other?"

"Isn't that what we want," Jaime said reasonably, "We've been trying to get off this 'island' nearly the whole time we've been here. I'm more worried he'll pronounce us perfect together and we'll have to go through some more extreme mating ceremony."

Brienne looked horrified, "You mean there are worse things than heart-shaped vibrating beds and cameras?"

"Ever heard of a 'love hotel'? Picture beds behind bars, sex swings, bondage, even…" Jaime suggested. Brienne considered this. Pictured it. Was unable to come up with an expression that was as outraged as he probably expected. "With cameras," Jaime added.

"No, not the cameras!" Brienne cried. "So, we should skew the results? Try to get kicked off?"

"I think it's our only hope, my love," Jaime nuzzled her ear, "I bet we can play this Qyburn like a game of cyvasse."

"Okay, let's do it!" Brienne said, "We could be snug together in town miles away from intrusive cameras by tonight!"

"What are you two planning?" Pod said under his breath, handing them their relationship questionnaires, pens and clipboards.

"Nothing at all," Jaime said, his smirk giving away the lie.

"Uh huh," Pod said, "Wish I could play. I'm sure they'd say me and Sansa are meant to be together." He moved on to the next couple.

"Okay. First question," Brienne said, "'Would you like to be the supreme ruler of everyone on earth, yes or no?' What the actual fuck?"

"Dr. Qyburn, I think we might want to separate the couples lest they confer on the answers," Oberyn said from just behind her. "Men to the left, women to the right, please."

Since they were on the left, Brienne got up and went to sit with Margaery and Sansa. Jaime read the next question to himself.

"If you could kill all of the world's mosquitos in an instant, would you?" How about all the world's reality show producers, he mused.

"Would you and your ideal match eventually be comfortable farting around each other?" He supposed that could be an important one. But which answer would be opposite Brienne's?

"Imagine you come home to find your partner pouring wine all over a stranger's naked body and then licking it off. Which, if any, of the following would bother you the most?
The spilled wine
The cheating
The fact that I was not invited to join in
Actually, this would not bother me."

This was going to be more difficult that he'd thought. He went down the list with his pen, the questions varying wildly in complexity and absurdity.

"If someone were to chop off one of your hands, would you be okay with your partner cleaning your butt while you healed?"

"If all lips are meant for kissing, would you mind being a eunuch?"

"Roses are red, violets are blue. Which is most likely to get you a broken betrothal?"

"Butt plugs: with or without fuzzy tails attached?"

"Which is more concerning: People eating dogs or dogs eating people?"

"Your future father-in-law suggests you try whoring. How do you react?"

"Bodily fluids: Refrigerated or room temp?"

"You can only be the god of one, tits or wine. How do you choose?"

"Five more minutes!" Dr. Qyburn announced, "All questionnaires will be collected and results entered in my personal database, which will generate who you should be matched with. In the course of interviewing you as couples, if there is an ideal match for you other than the person you've chosen, you may be asked to switch partners in lieu of leaving."

Oberyn stepped up to the mic and twisted his mustaches, "Bwahahah," he said.


Chapter Text

Chapter 89 by justme


Brienne had a bad feeling about this.

She'd seen the questionnaire and immediately realized that there was no way to outplay Dr. Qyburn and Oberyn. Those questions were just too far out there to approach them with a system. Or logic. Or common sense. Besides, with the danger of having to switch partners dangling above them like the sword of Damocles, they had to nail this test and the interview and be at least an almost perfect match because every non-accordance in their answers could cut the proverbial hair which the sword was hanging from.

She felt like back in school, when after finishing a test, everyone would start asking each other what they'd answered to a particular question, to try and make themselves feel more secure and positive about passing.

"What did you put down for the mosquito question?" she whispered to Jaime as they were sitting in the tiki bar, waiting to be called into Dr. Qyburn's improvised office. Which was a small cellar room where the hotel stored all kinds of things during the off-season.

"Uh..I don't really remember..let them live? Yeah, that."

"Oh good. I wrote that too. What about--"

"Brienne, it doesn't matter. It's done. We can't go back and change the answers, the only thing you'll achieve right now is drive yourself crazy. It'll all be fine."

"But what if it won't?"

"Then we'll deal with it. Look, they've thrown all kinds of crap at us and we've still managed to fall and stay in love. That little questionnaire and Dr. Acula won't get us apart."

"His name is Qyburn."

"I know. And we obviously have to work on you getting more of my jokes, or else I'll often feel stupid."

He nudged her shoulder with his.


Brienne tried. She took a deep breath and when she looked at Jaime, a little smile appeared on her face.

"You are stupid. Sometimes. A little."

"There's my girl."

A giant man with a clipboard pressed against his massive chest stomped over to the bar. He didn't speak a word, only took a look at his board and then pointed first to Brienne, then Jaime and lastly the direction of the cellar.


They got up and followed the silent giant down the stairs and around a few corners. On the way they passed a crying Lysa who was hugging her breasts and kept muttering "lactose intolerance" while not acknowledging a dejected looking Tormund trotting next to her. Giant guy opened the door and made a hand gesture for them to enter.

"Thank you, Gregor. You may take a 30 minute break now, before I will see...Amy and Hyle." Dr. Qyburn said. "Brienne, Jaime. Please, take a seat. While your questionnaire results show that both of you have the same percentage of matches with each other which is good, they also tell me you have that same percentage with another contestant each, so we will begin with a few additional questions before we..cut deeper and try to make a decision."

He gave them a creepy grin while Gregor the giant disappeared and they took their seats.

"Alright: If you had to swap one of your body parts with your partner, which one would you pick and why? Brienne? Why don't you go first?"


Gif linked by Lena_G

Chapter Text

Chapter 90 by ikkiM


After the eighth question involving swapping body parts or being dismembered, Brienne had reached her limit. She was shaking with rage and disgust. Jaime was stroking her arm trying to calm her down.

“Jaime, if you had your penis removed and could no longer perform sexually, would you be willing to let Brienne find sexual gratification with another man?” Qyburn asked as he peered over his clipboard.

Jaime’s fingers dug into her arm.

Brienne rose from her chair, “I don’t know what kind of doctor you say you are, but this interview has been nothing but disgusting. This hasn’t been an exercise in seeing if Jaime and I are compatible but just a way for you to ask your super creepy questions. You’re gross and I’m done.”

Jaime stood beside her. “Brienne and I are totally compatible when it comes to our opinion of this,” he waved his hand around the cellar, “and you.” He linked his hand with hers.

They turned to walk out the door. The large man with the clipboard blocked them. Brienne went nose to nose with him. He was big and terrifying, but between them, she was sure she and Jaime could take him. “Move,” she growled.

“Brienne, Jaime, are you sure you wish to end this interview? Don’t you want to know the results of your compatibility questionnaire? And to see who else you might be compatible with?” Qyburn asked.

Jaime rounded on him as Brienne stared down the larger, mountain of a man.

Jaime shouted, “Compatibility questionnaires don’t account for love you disgusting pervert. It doesn’t matter who else your questionnaires match up, love is what matters.”

Brienne growled and the large assistant looked down at her. She narrowed her eyes. The man moved to the side. Brienne tugged at Jaime’s hand and they walked out the door together and up the stairs. Oberyn and a cameraman were waiting for them.

Brienne was in no mood. A microphone was stuck in her face.

“Brienne, how did you and Jaime deal with being put in a stressful situation?” Oberyn asked.

She could feel Jaime starting to lunge towards the host. She pulled him back and got up in Oberyn’s face. “Are you telling me that you just put us through that disgusting hell just to see how we would deal as a couple?” she snarled.

Oberyn took a small step back and mumbled, “Yes…”

Jaime moved to stand beside her. “You think we needed that,” he pointed towards Qyburn and his assistant who had emerged from the darkened cellar, “to determine how we would work under stress?” He waved his arm around while still gripping her hand. “This whole experience has been stressful. Wanking cameramen.”

“Men who think they’re dragons,” Brienne chimed in.

“Breast milk used like water guns,” Jaime added

“All the stupid, fake, improbable scenarios that you’ve designed have been putting us under stress,” Brienne said.

Jaime poked Oberyn in the chest. “And we’ve dealt just fine.”

Brienne tugged him back towards her before turning to Oberyn, “And right now, we are going back to our room, we are going to have a nice quiet dinner. We are going to spend time alone. And none of you,” she pointed at the production staff and camera crew, “are going to bother us.”

Jaime nodded, “Or else we’ll leave.”

Oberyn spoke then, “But your contracts—“

Brienne took a step forward, “And we’ll write a tell-all book,” she hissed.

The host took a step back and cleared a path for them.

Chapter Text

Chapter 91 by Shareece



Brienne smiled as Jaime poured her a glass of champagne, accepting the kiss he’d pressed to her cheek. “Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome.” He poured his own drink. “You know I don’t even think Qyburn was a real doctor?”

Brienne snorted. “You’re just now figuring that out? Trust me I know what a therapist looks like and that wasn’t one of them.”

Jaime raised an eyebrow. “You’ve been to therapy?” He asked and Brienne flushed as she nodded.

“While I was in college—“ She stuttered. “It helped.”

Jaime nodded. “No judgement. I’ve been seeing Dr. Tarly every other Thursday for six months now.”

Brienne’s eyes widened in surprise before she smiled at him. “What a pair we make.” They clinked their glasses together and began to tear into their dinner. “It was nice of Pod to set this up for us.” The cameraman had surprised by having a round table set up with a pretty white table cloth, candles, sushi for dinner and chocolate lava cake for dessert. “I’m surprised Oberyn hasn’t come banging on our door yet.”

Jaime nodded as he popped a bit of sushi into his mouth. “It’s because you scared him little miss bad ass.” He chuckled as Brienne flushed a bright red. “Turns me on when you go all bad ass. Eyes fierce. Do you know they turn an even more impossible shade of blue?”

Brienne bit her lip as she flushed an even deeper shade of red. “I never thought I’d meet someone when I came here. I was planning on getting eliminated the first ceremony. Now—“ Brienne bit her lip as she found herself getting emotional. She shook her head. “I’m so ready to get the hell off of this island.”

Jaime was so in love and while he knew that it was in that moment that he realized just how in love he was. He carefully placed his glass down and stood up. “We’re leaving here.”

Brienne frowned up at him. “What?” she asked. “Right now?” She glanced at the lava cake. “But the cake?”

“We’ll take it with us.” He reached for one of his duffle bags, placing his clothes into it. “We’re going to leave this hell hole tonight. We’ll go back to the resort and enjoy the rest of our time there.” He glanced over his shoulder. “What are you doing Brienne? Move it!”

Brienne bit her lip with indecision. “What if Oberyn really sues us? I mean we signed---“ She trailed off as he grasped her hands.

“Brienne, I’ll only say this one time, but I was raised by Tywin Lannister one of the scariest men in Westeros a lawsuit is nothing.” He nodded toward her suitcase. “Now move!”

Brienne scrambled, a wave of excitement overtaking her as she began to throw her things into a suitcase. The thought of spending uninterrupted time with Jaime in a beautiful resort sounding more and more wonderful with each passing moment. They were both finished packing in record time. “Okay.” She said. “How are we going to do this?”


Chapter Text

Chapter 92 by JustAGirl24


It didn’t take long for Brienne to realize that Jaime was leading them towards the paddleboats once more. She looked at him skeptically. “Again? Don’t you think they’re on to us now?”

Jaime scoffed. “They won’t be expecting us this time because it didn’t work last time.”

Brienne rolled her eyes, unwilling to argue. “You forgot the lava cake, too,” she muttered as they crept closer to the nearest swan-shaped boat.

“I didn't forget; there’s something else I’d rather eat,” he muttered back.

Brienne swallowed hard against a sudden stab of desire. Well…

They were nearly there when suddenly, Oberyn’s head popped up from behind the boat, startling both Jaime and Brienne. “Aha!” he shouted, waving his arms in delight. “I knew you’d try to leave again! Your contracts are very clear, and Brienne, I really thought you’d behave more honorably than—“

Brienne had heard enough, though. “Honorably? Honorably?” she exclaimed. “There is nothing honorable about this show whatsoever, and I refuse to be part of it any longer!” She imagined decking him in the jaw, or squeezing his skull hard enough to pop his eyeballs. She was about to say more when Jaime laid a soothing hand on her arm.

“Oberyn,” he said pleasantly, “we will be leaving in this boat, and you will let us leave. Find a way to spin it. Tell the world we couldn’t wait until the ceremony tomorrow and had to elope tonight to the Lotus Port. I don’t give a damn. Now,” Jaime grabbed Brienne’s hand and smiled at Oberyn, a thin, dangerous smile, “we are leaving, or you can deal with Tywin Lannister at a later date, and I promise, he will be far less pleasant.”

Oberyn scowled and backed away a few paces, muttering under his breath in angry-sounding Dornish.

Without another glance in the other man’s direction, Jaime pulled Brienne over to the paddleboat Oberyn had just been hiding behind. Together, they pushed it into the water and jumped in, pedaling furiously.

In less than an hour, when the sun had almost set, they reached the Lotus Port. Within minutes, the paddleboat was pulled up high on the beach, and the two were walking hand-in-hand along the brightly-lit streets of the bustling port town.

“Well, it’s no Mereenese 24-hour sept, but I’m sure we could find someone to marry us tomorrow if you like?” Jaime said teasingly, bumping Brienne’s shoulder with his own. Before she could do much more than stammer and sputter, her face and neck turning that delightful red he loved so much, they were stopped by a young man wearing a suit and aviator sunglasses.

“Mr. Lannister?”

Jaime looked at the other man suspiciously for a long moment, then relaxed. “Peck,” he said with a sigh, “I really shouldn’t be surprised.”

The younger man shrugged.

“How did you know we were here?” Jaime asked, almost sounding bored.

Peck smiled. “You didn’t really think your father let you and Tyrion on that show without some sort of supervision, did you?”

“Of course not,” Jaime agreed. “But who…? Ah, Pod, isn’t it?”

Peck nodded. “I think you’ll also be relieved to know he’s been instructed along the way to dispose of any…indiscreet video that might be in Oberyn’s hands.”

“Oh thank gods,” Brienne muttered, relieved to know that there was at least one awkward conversation she wouldn’t have to have with her father.

“So,” Peck continued, “the helicopter isn’t too far away; where shall we go?”



Chapter Text

Epilogue by ikkiM


“Fake,” Jaime whispered in her ear, “Totally and completely fake.”

Brienne and Jaime were sitting the green room of the WhisperTV Network studio, waiting for Oberyn to call them out for their appearance on Maidens and Stags 22: The Reunion. Margaery and Renly were on, describing how although they’d made a real connection on the show, it hadn’t held up in the real world, but they were still best friends. They two were planning to launch their own WTV fashion reality show, Is That a Cell Phone in Your Pocket?

First on had been Amy and Hyle, who were planning their wedding. Jon and Ygritte had been next, plugging their Assassination-Scenario Paintball Park. They were still together, and Ygritte called Jon her “favorite target.” Sansa and Pod were using the Park to film a new horror movie, written by her and directed by him. They were ridiculously happy.

Dany and Daario already had their own show, Dining in Essos which was supposed to be about the exotic foods of that continent. It was more commonly known as Dumping in Essos as each new meal seemed to result in new and more disgusting bowel trauma.

Lysa was apparently residing in the Moon Door Residential Facility, along with Ramsay and, surprisingly Tormund, who had developed a deep attachment to Jon Snow after they had departed the island. When those feelings were unrequited, he’d fallen into a massive depression.

The Greyjoy siblings were sailing around Westeros. The less said about Ron, the better and Missandei? Brienne could barely remember the beautiful woman who was now gracing every magazine cover as a hot new supermodel.

Tyrion and Tysha had made an appearance via satellite, happily ensconced in a pig farm in White Harbor. Tyrion had told her and Jaime that Jaime’s father only ever thought Tyrion was good for managing shit, now he really was.

Jaime’s father. Brienne shuddered. She’d met him twice now, once before the show aired and once after. She’d thought him cold and disapproving the first time, that was nothing in comparison to the second when he’d looked at her as if she were lower than Tyrion’s pig manure. Her father had been better first.

They had taken the helicopter away from the Summer Isles and straight to Tarth. Jaime was insistent on meeting him right away. Her father had been thrilled and welcomed Jaime with open arms. Three months later, after the show had aired, Selwyn had called Jaime threatening all manner of bodily harm. It had been no small feat to calm him down.

Oberyn was now explaining to the audience that this was the most chaotic season of the show ever, and how the show’s most popular couple, Jaime and Brienne, had been so in love they had decided to leave the island during a date.

“So fucking fake,” Jaime murmured.

It was fake. Lawsuits had been threatened on both sides. There had been scathing letters sent back and forth with a final compromise: Jaime and Brienne would film leaving on a helicopter date, Jaime would take over the controls and appear to fly them to a secluded island to propose. It would have looked as staged as it was if Jaime hadn’t actually dropped to one knee and pulled out a jewelry box. Brienne looked down at the stunning sapphire ring he had given her. She’d cried for the first, and she swore only, time on television. They’d also had to agree to appear on the reunion show. So here they were, waiting.

Oberyn was now showing a montage of Jaime and Brienne kissing. She could feel her skin heating up. Oh gods, they were showing them making out in the lagoon.

Jaime’s hand slid up her thigh. “Now that wasn’t fake,” he whispered in her ear and kissed her neck.

Belwas opened the door and grunted at them, pointing the way to the studio.

Brienne and Jaime walked out to a wildly cheering crowd of fans shouting, “JB, JB, JB 4 ever!” Then it started, they were singing the song.

If you like pina coladas
And getting caught in the rain
If you’re not into health food
If you have half a brain.

Brienne had not gotten over her body’s instant reaction to the tune, and from the way Jaime had placed her in front of him, hiding from the audience’s view, it seemed he hadn’t either.

Oberyn motioned for the audience to be silent as she and Jaime situated themselves on the couch.

Oberyn grinned at them, “Let’s catch up on what’s happening with you. Jaime, Brienne, what did you think about your experience on the show?”

Jaime turned to her and cupped his cheek in his hand, “I found the lady I looked for.”

She leaned in and whispered, “Can we plan our escape?”



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