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Agony of Memories

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Magnus stared; unsure if his life was trying to play a very vile joke on him.

“What did you just ask me?”

“Please, Magnus. I know I do not deserve this; I know I am kind of putting you in the spot right now; I even know that this, like every other thing I do, is greatly unfair to you. But please, just try and -”

“No! No, no, no way is this happening right now. Not to me. Not again. What are you thinking, Alec?” Magnus backed away from the couch, not trusting himself to be that close to Alec at that moment.

Alec took a step forward, not letting Magnus add to the distance between them. “I don’t know what I’m thinking anymore, Magnus. All I know is that I want another chance to make it work. Make us work,” he finished, running a desperate hand through his hair, messing it even more than it already was.

Magnus looked at his actions with a tingling feeling on his fingers, remembering a time when the hand running through that mop of hair would have been his. Alec’s hair had always been Magnus’ favorite guilty pleasure; the memory of how Alec softened under his hands not unlike his cat bringing a pang to his heart.

“How dare you?” Magnus whispered. He fell back onto the couch behind him, his hands holding his chest, trying to alleviate the pain stinging through his being. “How dare you do this to me, Alec? It has been two years! Two years, Alec! Not only did you leave without any kind of by-your-leave or explanation, but now after two years -"

"I know, Magnus! I do. By the gods, did you think I hadn't thought of all this myself? I know what this is doing to you. I know that this might simply reopen wounds that never actually healed in the first place. But we belong together, Magnus. I see that now. Finally, I see for myself how perfect we are for each other. Do you not see that anymore?"

Alec paused. Taking a deep breath, he took a step back. Magnus felt himself reaching forward, barely able to stop himself from falling back on their old roles. Biting his lips, he remained silent, watching Alec as he sat on the couch facing him.

"Magnus, I made a mistake. I thought I was doing the right thing but it was after I left you that I realized how grave a mistake it was. Even then, I stayed away, thinking - hoping? - that the pain I felt was temporary. That my decision could only benefit us both with enough time. But," Alec sighed, fiddling with his shirt.

It was then that Magnus noted that he was wearing only a silk robe with his legs exposed by the slit along its side. Standing abruptly, he walked towards his room, not saying a word. Halfway there, he's startled by the feeling of his hand being grabbed tight. Swallowing hard, he closed his eyes.

"Please let go, Alec. You're determined to stay here and I'm not appropriately enough dressed for this conversation. I'm going to change. It's my home - it's not like I am going to jump out the window just to escape from you. I- just- Just give me a minute." Not waiting for an answer, he yanked his hand away, walking into the room before locking the door behind him and leaning against it.

Magnus slowly slid down to the floor, holding in his sobs. The tears had started the moment he felt Alec's touch; a touch he had anticipated, enjoyed, cherished, then yearned for, before ending up cursing at the thought of. Alec's warmth, the softness under the calluses of his fingers, the gentleness that is conveyed even through the tightest of grips; things Magnus thought forever unavailable to him.

He cried silently, letting the tears fall as they would, his only thought the wild jumble of memories bursting through a vault he'd thought was already locked tight and rusted with no chance of reopening. But then, wasn't that exactly what Alec was so good at? Unlocking things that were not unlockable?