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Snapchats from Coruscant

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PHOTO @officialskywalker

 

[Description: found footage of the Battle of Geonosis. The frame is frozen on a disheveled Obi-Wan Kenobi, about to plunge his lightsaber into an enemy. It is captioned force choke me daddy kenobi ;) ;). Multiple love heart emojis are added to the picture.]

  

 

PHOTO @officialskywalker

 

Caption: i did not think this through apparently he follows me on here

[Description: Mace Windu with arms crossed, glaring at the camera.]

 

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VIDEO @officialskywalker

 

[Description: a dimly lit cave with a fire crackling in the middle, multiple Clone Troopers asleep. The camera is slowly zooming in on the face of a sleeping Obi-Wan Kenobi.]

 

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VIDEO @officialskywalker

 

[Description: Senator Padmé Amidala is working on something, typing and not looking at the camera.]

Anakin: Hey Padmé

Padmé: What?

Anakin: I really love Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Padmé [deadpan, not looking up from her work]: Really, I hadn’t noticed.

 

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VIDEO @officialskywalker

 

Anakin [zooming in on Obi-Wan’s face]: I love you

Obi-Wan [horrified]: ANAKIN!

 

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VIDEO @officialskywalker

 

[Description: The screen is completely black except for the timestamp, announcing 12:34a.m.]

Anakin: Hey Obi-Wan?

Obi-Wan [voice distant, irritated]: Yes, my padawan?

Anakin: Do you think pigeons have feelings?

[Description: silence, followed by Anakin screaming and a thump.]

 

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VIDEO @officialskywalker

 

[Description: slow zoom in from a distance of Senator Jar Jar Binks. Absolutely no idea what he’s doing, but it’s weird.]

Anakin [softly]: What the fuck is he doing???

 

 

VIDEO @officialskywalker

 

[Description: another video of Senator Binks, once again doing something strange by a buffet table. Still can’t figure out what it is.]

Anakin [softly]: Honestly what the fuck???

Padmé [off-screen]: We just don’t know.

 

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PHOTO @officialskywalker

 

Caption: 501st!!!!

[Description: A selfie of Anakin, with three Clone Troopers (Rex, Fives, unidentified trooper). All of them are grinning at the camera.]

 

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PHOTO @obiwankenobi3

 

[Description: A completely black screen.]

Caption: Why has my name been taken as a username? Is someone pretending to be me?

 

 

PHOTO @officialskywalker

 

[Description: Obi-Wan Kenobi is frowning down at his device.]

Caption: can people please release their obi-wan usernames temporarily so he can get one? he’s really bummed out

 

 

VIDEO @officialkenobi

 

Anakin [excitedly]: Obi-Wan! We have matching usernames! How do you feel?

Obi-Wan [confused and indifferent]: Alright?

Anakin [teasing, getting closer to Obi-Wan]: It’s like we have the same surname, like we’re married.

Obi-Wan: Sure.

 

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VIDEO @senatoramidala

 

[Description: a collection of various snapchat videos from Anakin cut together. The videos are all of Anakin looking at pictures of Obi-Wan Kenobi and screaming incredibly shrilly and incoherently.]

 

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VIDEO @officialskywalker

 

Caption: booty booty rockin everywhere

[Description: a slow zoom in of Obi-Wan Kenobi’s behind.]

 

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PHOTO @officialkenobi

 

[Description: a beautiful shot of some scenery, atop a high mountain with forest ranges extended out into the horizon.]

 

 

PHOTO @officialkenobi

 

[Description: a rather arty shot of the capital of Naboo, domed buildings and a clear blue sky.]

 

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PHOTO @officialkenobi (x8)

 

[Description: various uncaptioned photos of Anakin Skywalker, who has clearly stolen Obi-Wan’s device, taking selfies with various Clone Troopers. Mostly of him, Rex and Cody, pulling peace signs or bad faces.]

 

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VIDEO @officialskywalker

 

Caption: sjfksdhfjklas;f’afj

Anakin [barely in frame, camera shaking badly]: WE ARE CRASHING, ONCE AGAIN, JUST FOR A CHANGE

Obi-Wan [out of frame]: ANAKIN IS THIS REALLY THE TIME?

 

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VIDEO @senatoramidala

 

[Description: a video taken from inside a building, zooming in down at Senator Binks on the street, looking like he seems to be trying to dodge stepping on something on the ground though nothing is visible.]

Padmé [softly]: What is he doing???

 

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VIDEO @ahsokatano

 

Caption: does this qualify as casual misuse of the force?

[Description: a camera pointed at Obi-Wan Kenobi from an awkward angle, clearly trying to hide from him. Obi-Wan is practising his kata with his lightsaber. A hand, most likely Anakin’s, comes into view curled like he’s holding an invisible lightsaber. He moves his thumb, and Obi-Wan’s lightsaber turns off.]

Obi-Wan [confused]: What?

[Anakin and Ahsoka are muffling laughter.]

 

 

VIDEO @ahsokatano

 

Caption: the best use of the force

[Description: A continuation of the previous video. Obi-Wan has turned on his lightsaber and continues practising. Anakin’s hand appears again and he once again turns off Obi-Wan’s lightsaber. This time, Obi-Wan sees them.]

Anakin [yelling]: OH SHIT!

 

 

VIDEO @ahsokatano

 

Caption: sldkfsdklf;shelp

[Description: shaky video of Ahsoka and Anakin both laughing and screaming as they run. The camera turns briefly to look behind them.]

Obi-Wan [advancing quickly, lightsaber on]: ANAKIN!!!!

Anakin: RUN AHSOKA SAVE YOURSELF

 

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VIDEO @officialskywalker

 

Caption: new use of lightsabers

[Description: a hardcore techno song is playing; the room is dark though is periodically lit up in time to the beat by the blue and yellow-green light of Anakin and Ahsoka’s lightsabers. Clone Troopers Rex and Cody dance in the background.]

 

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VIDEO @officialskywalker

 

[Description: Senator Amidala is exiting her bedroom, clad in a nightgown, clearly just minutes after waking. Despite this, she is still literally perfect in every way, down to each individual curl and the soft glow of her skin.]

Anakin [softly]: What the fuck. Are you all seeing this? How does she look this good in the morning? What the fuck

 

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PHOTO @ct7567rex

 

Caption: front line boys

[Description: Four Clone Troopers dramatically posing. Rex has a leg up on a bench, hand shielding his eyes from the sun as he stares into the distance. Cody is squatting with double peace signs. Kix is lying on his side in front of them, one knee up and resting his head on his hand. Fives is staring solemnly into the camera, standing with his legs comically wide, almost doing the splits. They look rather like a boy band.]

 

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VIDEO @officialskywalker

 

[Description: a slow zoom in on Count Dooku.]

Anakin [whispering]: Hey dickhead

 

 

VIDEO @officialskywalker

 

[Description: zooming in on Count Dooku again, who is glaring at Anakin.]

Anakin: More like Count Dicku, am I right ladies? Where’s your shit bike?

[Camera pans over to a flaming, smouldering mess.]

Anakin [mocking]: Oh, right, there it is, WHERE IT BELONGS.

 

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PHOTO @ahsokatano

 

[Description: a zoom on a lone trash can.]

Caption: count dooku spotted on coruscant

 

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VIDEO @officialskywalker

 

[Description: the Coruscant skyline at night, stars winking in the distance.]

Anakin [yelling, slurring, most likely drunk]: SHOUT OUT TO THE SITH LORD FOR BEING A LITTLE BITCH!

 

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VIDEO @officialskywalker

 

[Description: Anakin is touching a plasma globe. Where his fingers touch the glass, neon threads like lightning emanate.]

Anakin [mockingly]: Oooh look at me I’m Darth Tyrannous and I use the dark side hooty hoo

 

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VIDEO @ahsokatano

 

[Description: Ahsoka holding the camera, chasing a laughing, stumbling Anakin Skywalker.]

Ahsoka [spraying silly string in his direction]: FEAR MY FORCE LIGHTNING, JEDI SCUM!

 

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VIDEO @officialskywalker

 

[Description: found footage of General Grievous in battle, with four lightsabers.]

Anakin [dramatically]: They call me… Johnny Four-Lightsabers… on account of my… four lightsabers…

 

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VIDEO @officialskywalker

 

[Description: Anakin has put his Jedi robe on Senator Binks, hood up.]

Anakin [laughing]: Hey guys look it’s Darth Binks

 

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VIDEO @senatoramidala

 

[Description: another series of videos cut together of past snapchat videos wherein Obi-Wan is frustratedly or exasperatedly yelling Anakin’s name. There are at least twenty instances within the ten second limit.]

 

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VIDEO @officialskywalker

 

[Description: an admittedly incredibly attractive photo of Obi-Wan Kenobi turning and smiling.]

Anakin [amongst incoherent screaming]: BITCH WHAT THE FUCK!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!

[Senator Amidala can be heard laughing in the background.]

 

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VIDEO @senatoramidala

 

[Description: Anakin is seated next to Padmé, filming the two of them side by side. They have near-literal heart eyes as they stare at something in the distance. The video then switches to what they are seeing – Obi-Wan has fallen asleep on the sofa opposite them.]

Caption: the negotiator in action

 

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VIDEO @ahsokatano

 

Caption: holy shit!!!!

Ahsoka [blurry footage, running up to Anakin’s bed]: SKYGUY WAKE UP GUESS WHAT

[Anakin immediately sits up, awake. Almost immediately, so does Obi-Wan Kenobi, next to him. They are both shirtless.]

Ahsoka [running away, giggling]: Shit sorry!

 

 

VIDEO @ahsokatano

 

[Description: continued footage of Ahsoka running out of the room.]

Obi-Wan [off-screen]: FOR THE FORCE’S SAKE AHSOKA DO NOT PUT THAT ON YOUR BLOODY SNAPCHAT

 

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VIDEO @officialskywalker

 

Caption: apology time for being a shit jedi

Anakin [turning a corner, approaching a meditating Mace Windu]: Hey Mace?

Mace [sighing deeply]: What, Skywalker?

Anakin [quiet voice, zooming in on Windu]: In my defence, have you seen Obi-Wan Kenobi? Like, at all?

Mace [visibly attempting to remain calm]: I don’t have time for your shit, Skywalker.

Anakin [quietly hopeful]: Does this mean I’m off the hook?

Mace [clenching jaw]: Fuck off and maybe I’ll consider it.

[Camera switches to Anakin, looking shocked and a little impressed.]

 

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VIDEO @ahsokatano

 

Caption: skyguy was on some pretty good meds

Anakin [slurring]: Do you ever see a dick so nice you just HAVE to suck it

Ahsoka [horrified]: OH MY GODS NO MASTER WHAT THE FUCK

 

 

VIDEO @ahsokatano

 

[Description: immediate continuation of the previous video.]

Anakin [still slurring]: Speaking of which hey Obi-Wan come here

Ahsoka [turning and power-walking out of the room]: Nope nope nope nope!

 

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VIDEO @officialskywalker

 

Caption: ;) ;)

[Description: Anakin approaching Obi-Wan, grinning, looking absolutely gorgeous with a choker around his neck.]

Anakin [smugly]: Hey Master, you like my new necklace?

Obi-Wan [sees the necklace and immediately makes a grab for the phone]: Turn that off right now immediately

 

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PHOTO @plokoon

 

[Description: a large rubbish pile.]

Caption: Count Dooku spotted on Felucia.

 

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VIDEO @ahsokatano

 

Caption: again?!

Ahsoka [approaching Anakin in bed]: HEY MASTER GUESS WHAT

Anakin [shooting upright]: WHAT

[Behind him, both Obi-Wan and Padmé startle awake and upright, both shirtless, though a sheet covers Padmé’s chest.]

 

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VIDEO @officialskywalker

 

Caption: apology pt.2

Anakin [approaching Mace Windu solemly]: Sorry Mace

Mace [exhaling heavily]: Just fuck off, Skywalker.

 

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PHOTO @officialskywalker

 

[Description: a photo of Obi-Wan Kenobi from behind, love heart emojis surrounding it, arrows pointing to his ass.]

 

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VIDEO @officialskywalker

 

Caption: the real reason to learn to hide your force presence

[Description: an awkward angle, zoomed in on Mace Windu and Yoda.]

Mace: I expected this of Skywalker, but not Kenobi. He’s on the Council for Force’s sake! He’s getting to be just as rebellious as Skywalker.

Yoda [seriously]: War time, this is. Allow them this attachment, we shall.

Mace [shocked]: What the f- [pauses] don’t tell me you follow them on snapchat.

[Yoda makes a noncommital hum.]

Mace: Oh my gods.

 

 

PHOTO @officialskywalker

 

[Description: Anakin taking a selfie with Yoda, sunglasses on himself and pulling a peace sign.]

Caption: shout out to my man yoda for being a real gc

 

 

PHOTO @officialskywalker

 

[Description: someone has taken a photo of Anakin squatting next to Yoda, hands in prayer position, while Yoda’s gimer stick is a blur of motion as it travels towards Anakin’s knee.]

Caption: the true mvp of coruscant

 

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VIDEO @ahsokatano

 

[Description: Anakin winking at the camera and then walking towards where Obi-Wan and Mace Windu are talking. He steps right up next to Obi-Wan, reaches over, and pinches his ass.]

Obi-Wan [jumps]: ANAKIN!

 

 

VIDEO @officialskywalker

 

[Description: Anakin running off and laughing, Mace yelling incoherently behind him.]

 

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PHOTO @officalskywalker

 

[Description: Anakin pulling an overdramatically horrified face.]

Caption: just found out dicku follows me on snapchat