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Jake's POV:

I'm sitting in a bar in the middle of the night waiting for my best friend Ryan to show up. I'm not really sure how I wound up here. Falling for my best friend was never part of the plan. It all happened very quickly and unexpectedly and I blame it on various occasions that have taken place over the last few weeks. We've been friends for a few years now, and we've always been really close, but I never thought of him in that way. Until one night a few weeks ago when everything changed. We were at a friends party, drunk and stoned off our asses. I was drunk but Ryan was completely shit-faced, I always make fun of him for being such a lightweight. We were all playing truth or dare and it started off innocently enough. But with each dare it got dirtier and dirtier and by the time Ryan was dared, things got intense. Our friends dared Ryan to suck my dick and he did it. Ryan claimed he's never done something like this before - something with a guy he means. But there he was, on his knees in front of all of our friends deep-throating me and giving me the best blow job of my life. He says he's never given a blow job before but he's fucking amazing at it. I desperately clutched the back of his neck and moaned his name along with a string of profanities as I came in his mouth, and he didn't fuss. It had been a long time since I had come that hard and that quickly and I knew I was in trouble. Ever since that night I haven't been able to look at him in the same way. He went from my best friend Ryan, the guy I would grab a beer with and go to sporting events with and talk about girls with to the guy who sucked my dick and now I can't stop thinking about him.

Ryan was so fucking drunk that night that he has no memory of anything that happened at the party. Or at least he claims he can't remember, and part of me hopes it's true that he can't remember and he's not just saying he can't because he's ashamed of what happened. Now every time I see him, I feel this tugging in my chest, like this urgency to be near him. We went to the gym a week ago to go boxing like we normally do, and I couldn't take my eyes off him. I helped him wrap his gloves around his fists, having to re-do it when I fucked it up cause I was staring at his chiseled chest. We went a few rounds in the ring - him throwing punches and me blocking them. The way his arms would flex with his punches was distracting me, and the sweat glistening on his chest. He accidentally hit me in the head a few times because all I could concentrate on was not getting an erection. When it was my turn to throw punches I felt relieved and it felt good to let off some steam. He blocked every single one, and he kept mocking me which was pissing me off and turning me on at the same time.

Ryan finally walks into the bar and sits on the stool beside me, ordering himself a beer. "Sorry I'm late dude," he slaps my back and my whole body tenses. Ever since that fucking party my dick reacts when he walks in the room. He's a force of nature and his presence fills the whole room. He smells so fucking good and his white collared shirt is buttoned down low enough that I can see his collar bone.

"It's cool," I say, taking a sip of my fifth beer of the night. I know that I'm drinking too much but I'm trying to drown out the part of my brain that wants him. I thought it would be easier to be around him if I was drunk but it honestly just makes me more horny - my senses even more heightened.

"I haven't seen you in like a week Jake, where have you been?" he asks.

Hiding from you, I think. "I've been busy," I lie and I feel terrible.

"Too busy for your best friend? I'm offended," he says, taking a sip from his beer. The way his lips are wrapped around that beer bottle remind me of the way his lips wrapped around my-- I stop myself right there as I feel a stirring in my pants. This can't keep happening around him, it's humiliating.

"Ryan, I need to ask you something," I say in a serious voice.

"Okay," he says, his blue eyes burning through mine. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine.. It's just," I stop. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Where do I even start? "Are you attracted to me?" I ask and it's like the world just stopped spinning. The look on Ryan's face says it all.

"What?" he asks, completely taken off guard.

"Ahh, fuck forget I even said anything. I'm drunk that's all," I spit out as fast as I can.

"Jake what's going on?" he asks.

"That fucking party," I slur the words, the alcohol hitting me now.

"What party?" he asks. He really doesn't remember.

"Michelle's fucking party. You sucked my dick and now I can't stop thinking about it," I say, looking away from him.

"Jake...." he says but I can't look at him. I can feel his stare and I feel so ashamed for even bringing it up.

"I'm sorry, I just made it awkward and I shouldn't have said anything," I say, humiliated. "I'm just gonna leave now and we can pretend this never happened okay?"

"Jake come on," he says but I am already making my way towards the door. The hot summer air hits me as soon as I step outside and I rush back to my apartment as quickly as possible. I feel so embarrassed and I don't know why I ever thought he would feel the same way. I'm such a fucking idiot. I climb into my bed, tossing off my clothes and snuggling into the covers. I fall asleep within minutes.




I'm sleeping when I suddenly hear the sheets around me rustling, and feel an amazing, hot sensation in between his legs. I look down and see Ryan's head bobbing up and down over my erect dick and I gasp.

"What the hell Ryan?" I ask, and Ryan moans in response, the vibrations turning me on more. He greedily licks up and down my shaft and my hips shoot up off the bed, thrusting into his mouth. Ryan grinds against my leg and I can feel his erection through his pants pressing into my bare thigh and it's driving me fucking crazy. I spread my legs wider, grabbing the back of Ryan's head and threading my fingers through his soft, short hair. I can't believe this is happening. My heart feels like it's going to burst. I want to ask him what he's doing here, or if this means he is attracted to me but I'm too afraid to speak and frankly I don't want him to stop.

He's barely sucking the tip in and out of his mouth and the sensation is driving me crazy. "Deeper Ryan," I say, my voice sounding raspy and full of lust. Ryan moans and sucks my entire length into his mouth.

"Jesus," I say, bucking my hips into his mouth, knowing I can't hold on much longer. "Ryan, I'm gonna....fuck," I moan as I shoot into Ryan's mouth. Ryan finishes sucking then rolls onto his back and starts stroking himself through his pants. The sight of it sends a pulse of ecstasy straight to my cock. "Let me," I say and he finally looks at me, his blue eyes dark with lust and he licks his lips. I reach for his hips and quickly tug his pants and boxer briefs down.

Ryan's erection juts out in between us and my mouth waters. His cock is fucking huge and he's hard for me and I've been fantasizing about this for so long. "Please touch me," Ryan begs, stroking himself and that's all I need to hear. Within seconds I swallow his thick cock and Ryan moans loud enough to wake the dead.

Ryan bucks his hips into my mouth and mumbles a string of profanities. "Sweet Jesus Jake," he moans and I can feel myself getting hard again hearing the praise. I put one hand on his firm abs, exploring the ridges of his muscles. I put the other hand around the base of Ryan's cock and I pump him once.

"Fuck," Ryan cries as he grabs the back of my neck and thrusts into my mouth, his cock pushing deeper into my throat. I move my hand from Ryan's abs down to my own pulsing cock and start rubbing myself. I'm so hard it's nearly painful. Seeing Ryan vulnerable beneath me is something I never thought I would see, but I always fantasized about, and this is better than any fantasy I could have ever imagined. "Jake if you don't stop," he warns, panting.

"Do it," I moan around him, encouraging him.

With one final thrust he moans out a strangled "Coming," and Ryan comes so hard he shakes the mattress.

"God fucking damn," Ryan says panting, and rolling onto his side, away from me.

"That was fucking amazing," I agree, still sitting upright. We sit there in silence for a moment before he finally speaks.

"I remember," he says suddenly, and all the air leaves my lungs. "The party. Of course I remember."

I'm too stunned to say anything so I stay quiet and stare at his back, waiting for him to turn around and look at me.

"I was embarrassed because when I sucked your dick I got really turned on and I didn't know why, and I thought I embarrassed you so I didn't want to bring it up again. I actually thought you forgot," he says. "I've been trying to get you and your fucking dick out of my head for weeks," he says, finally turning to look up at me. His big blue eyes dance across my face, waiting for a response.

"Are you fucking with me?" I ask, smiling.

"I wish I was," he says, smiling.

"Why didn't you say anything at the bar?" I ask.

"Because you caught me off guard and I wasn't expecting you to bring it up." he says, and then leans closer to me. "And it's not exactly something I felt comfortable discussing in public."

"Fuck, Ryan," I say, my heart beating loudly in my chest. "What does this mean?"

"I don't fucking know I thought you would tell me," he says.

I laugh and I lay down on my stomach beside him. He flips over and lays on his stomach, putting his arms under his pillow, and flexing his biceps. His scent is intoxicating and his eyes are full of curiosity as he looks over at me. "I don't know what this means, but I know that I want you," I whisper and his lips curve into a smile. I can feel my semi-hard dick painfully pressing against the mattress and Ryan's eyelids start to flutter and I can tell he's falling asleep. He looks so peaceful and his normally perfectly gelled hair is falling in his face a little, his back subtly rising and falling as he breathes. He's so fucking handsome, even when he's sleeping. All I can think is: I'm so fucked.

Chapter Text


I wake up the next morning with sunlight from the window streaming in my face. It takes me a moment to figure out where the hell I am, and then I turn to my side and see Jake sleeping peacefully beside me. Holy fuck, last night rushes back to me in a few seconds. Did I really leave the bar and show up at his place announced and start sucking his cock? What the fuck has gotten into me? I feel my pulse racing as I think about what he did to me last night, and more importantly what I did to him. I wasn't even that drunk and I shudder as I remember the way I begged him to touch me.

I glance over at Jake who is still completely passed out, lying on his back. His hair is matted down on his forehead and he smells like pine trees and sex. The sheets are tangled around his hips and he has a dark line of hair trailing all the way down to his--- what the fuck am I doing? Am I checking him out? I groan as I feel my erection I wasn't even aware I had pressing against the mattress. Clearly last nights events kept me horny all night long. I peak over at Jake and see him tenting the sheets as well. Jesus Christ, I think.

I step out of the bed as quietly as possible and find my jeans and boxer briefs spread across the bedroom floor. I quickly shove my briefs and jeans up my legs as quietly as I can, and grab my white collared shirt off the floor, my phone lying next to it. I tap my lock screen and it says 9:05am. I rub my forehead and slip my phone in my jeans pocket and head for the door. I see my shoes lying next to the front door and grab those on the way out. I'm quickly buttoning my shirt as I walk down the hallway to the elevator.



Hours later, I get a text from Jake.

Why did you leave so soon? I wanted to make breakfast, it reads.

I panic for some reason. I left because whatever happened last night can't happen again. I left because I'm not into guys. I've been having sex with women for nearly twenty years now, and I never even imagined having sex with a guy. I'm not homophobic but the thought of having sex with a guy is completely foreign to me, and it forces me to question things about myself that I never even considered before.

I had somewhere I needed to be, I quickly reply.

Are you freaking out?, he replies.

A little. I just need some time, I reply.

Okay, we can talk later, he replies.

I can't tell if he's upset or not. He's so vague over text. I wonder if he's freaking out like I am or if it's just me. I wonder if he's been with a guy before? These are all things I should have asked before I darted out of there this morning but I couldn't face him completely sober and in broad daylight. I hate feeling vulnerable and I was more vulnerable last night than I have been in years.



Later that night I head to the club. I know it sounds awful, but maybe if I have sex with a woman then I'll be able to get Jake out of my head and this whole situation will blow over. I walk into the club just after nine o'clock, and the night is alive. The club is pulsing with music and the dance floor is crowded with women.

I down a couple of shots and start flirting with a pretty blonde with blue eyes and an amazing body, and I finally feel like myself again. She asks me to dance and I happily agree, falling into place behind her as our bodies bump and grind to the beat of the song. She has an incredible ass and it feels fucking amazing when she grinds on me.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see movement at the bar, and that's when I spot Jake, sitting at a stool and drinking. Fuck, I think and for some reason I start to panic. Has he seen me? How long has he been sitting there? Does he think I'm avoiding him? Is he upset I'm dancing with a girl? Wait-- why do I care? I'm not in a relationship with him. We just hooked up last night, that's all. It didn't mean anything... did it? I'm scared thinking of all the ways this might affect our friendship.

My head is spinning and while I'm asking myself a million questions I see him glance in my direction and our eyes meet. He looks upset but not surprised. I feel a pang of guilt in my chest, and he turns his head back to his drink and gulps it down with one swig. The blonde girl, I can't even remember her name, is grinding on my fucking dick and I can't take my eyes off Jake at the bar. He's sitting all alone and he looks so depressed and defeated. I wish I didn't care but I do, and I hope he doesn't look that way because of me but he most likely does.

I'm considering ditching this chick and walking over to him when a few moments later a brunette with huge tits walks over to him and starts flirting with him. I stare at him with new curiosity, wondering what the hell she's doing. The girl leans into Jake, whispering in his ear, her tits all up in his face no doubt and I feel my blood boiling. Why am I reacting this way? Fuck.

The blonde girl in front of me turns around and asks me what's wrong. I'm confused but I realize I have stopped moving as I was watching Jake and the mystery brunette and I feel embarrassed. "I'm going to use the restroom," I yell over the music and quickly make my way to the men's room. I can't stand to be in this room watching Jake flirting with that girl. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me or why I am feeling this way. I feel a knot in my stomach and I feel like I'm going to get sick, so I turn on the sink and start splashing water on my face. Calm down, I tell myself but my pulse only speeds up.

The bathroom door bursts open and Jake walks in, raising his eyebrows at me. Fuck, I forgot he is also a male and is therefore allowed to be in the men's restroom. I can't escape him.

"What's going on Ryan?" he asks, laughing a little.

"Who is that girl you were with at the bar?" I ask, feeling pathetic for even asking.

"Are you serious right now? Just some girl, I don't know. Who was the girl with you on the dance floor?" he asks.

I shake my head. "I don't know."

"Exactly," he says, stepping closer to me. "Are you jealous?"

"Pff," I spit out, even though I feel heat crawling up the back of my neck. "I'm not jealous."

"Sure you're not," Jake says, his voice thick with sarcasm.

"How are you so casual about this anyway? I'm going crazy over here," I say.

"So casual about what? Us?" he asks.

"Yes, us. Whatever this is," I say, using my fidgety hands to gesture in between us.

"Look, I don't know what this is either okay?" Jake says, looking confused. "It's not like I planned for this either."

"Planned for what?" I ask.

"Falling for you," Jake says, and looks down, unable to meet my stare.

"Falling for me? Jesus Christ Jake," I say, splashing more water on my face.

"Don't give me that shit. I can't be the only one feeling this way," he says, getting angry now.

"Whatever happened last night was fucking great and it was erotic and it took me by surprise - not only because you're a guy but also because you're my best friend and I have no idea what this means for our friendship," I pause and look over at Jake who still won't look me in the eyes. "But falling for me is completely different than just a drunken hookup."

"You weren't even drunk," he says, looking up at me, anger in his eyes.

"Whatever, you know what I mean. Are you falling for me Jake?" I ask.

"I don't know what the fuck I'm feeling but I don't appreciate the way you're making me feel about it. I'm trying to figure this out too Ryan, Jesus" he says, walking past me and pacing in front of the stalls.

"I'm sorry," I say. I know I'm not being fair to him. I'm being a dick.

"No, I'm sorry this is so hard for you. This is why I never wanted to bring up that night. I knew you would freak the fuck out," he says.

"What the fuck?" I say, as a reflex.

"What? You're literally freaking the fuck out right now," Jake says.

"I'm just taken off guard that's all," I say.

"Well I was pretty taken off guard last night when I woke up and you were sucking my dick," he says, his eyes glazing over with lust. I feel a stirring in my pants just thinking about last night, and the way he's looking at me right now isn't helping.

I'm not sure how to respond to that so instead I bite my lip, searching for the words. "I don't know what to say."

"You wanted me last night, that's why you showed up at my place and sucked my dick down your throat," he says, stepping closer to me. I feel a little intimidated in this moment, which is an unfamiliar feeling. I rarely ever feel intimidated because I'm used to being the intimidating one. "And it's obvious you want me now," he says, looking down at the erection that's beginning to tent my pants. My heart beats wildly in my chest as he steps closer to me again. I hate feeling so out of control like this. He glances down at my crotch again and licks his lips. "Just take what you want Ryan," he says, looking back up at me as I crash my mouth onto his.

Jake stumbles backwards, not expecting this and I slam him into the opposite wall, my mouth still hungrily on his. Jake moans against my mouth and I feel a twitch in my pants, becoming hornier by the second. I want his dick in my mouth again. It's a startling realization. As I press him into the wall, he wraps his arms around my back and his tongue pushes into my mouth. His kisses are frantic and our heads move in rhythm, my teeth catching on his chin. His erection is pressing hard into my right thigh and I reach down and rub him over his pants. "Fuck," he gasps in between breaths. He reaches for his belt and starts fumbling with the buckle and I help him, sliding it through and throwing it on the ground. He quickly unbuttons his pants and pulls them down, his erection springing out in between us. I take in the sight of him, his rosy cheeks and messy hair and his thick, pulsing cock hanging between us. I feel my mouth watering and lower myself to my knees.

"Ryan," he cries as I take him in my mouth. I grab onto the base of his cock as I quickly pump him into my mouth. "Fucking hell," Jake moans and grabs the back of my head, pushing his cock further into my mouth.

"Ryan you're way too good at this," he says. I moan in response, feeling the tightness in my pants. I fumble with the button on my pants and unlatch it as quickly as possible, my dick soaking in my hands.

I focus on Jake, grabbing his ass and pulling him as close to me as I possibly can. I swirl his dick in my mouth and rub my own erection at the same time. "I'm close," Jake spits out as he bucks his hips into my mouth. I reach up and cup his ass in between his legs, feeling his balls and gently rubbing them. "Aghh, fuck," Jake moans as his entire body shakes with his climax, his hand gripping the back of my neck firmly. I lick him clean and then stand slowly, looking up at him as he leans against the wall, completely spent.

He pulls up his pants and looks up at me, smiling. "Are you sure you've never given a blow job before that party? Because you are sensational at giving blow jobs," he says, looping his belt back in.

"I've been told I'm sensational in bed, period." I say, my eyes dark with lust.

Jake stares at me for a few seconds before he smiles widely. Then he looks down at my erection and steps toward me. As his hand wraps around my cock, the bathroom door flies open and I shove him off of me so quickly, an instant reflex.

Some random dude walks in and stops at a urinal, curiously glancing over at us. I quickly tuck my erection into my pants and Jake goes into a stall. I walk over to the sink to wash my hands and the guy finishes up. He looks at me oddly one more time before he swings the door open and walks out. "He's gone," I say. "That scared the shit out of me," I say, my pulse racing.

"What's the matter with you?" Jake asks.

"We have to be careful Jake, we're in public. Did you forget who we are?" I asks, panic flooding my chest.

"So what?" he asks.

"Do you have any idea what this would do to our careers?" I ask.

"I don't give a shit about that," he says. Of course he doesn't.

"I need to go," I say.

"Wait, let me take care of that," he says, stepping towards me and rubbing his hand over my erection.

"I'll take a rain check," I say and turn my back on him and quickly run out of the bathroom.

I hail a taxi and before I know it I'm back in my cold, empty apartment. I regret freaking out and leaving like that but I can't deal with this right now. I need to figure out what I'm feeling before I hurt someone I care about. I need to figure out what this means for me. Am I gay? No, I love women. Women are soft and cuddly and smell nice all the time. So I'm bisexual? I ponder this idea. Before that fucking party I never even considered putting a dick in my mouth let alone enjoying the experience.

I feel flustered and unsure about myself as I crawl into my bed. I quickly remove my clothes and grab my pulsing hard-on. I think about Jake's mouth on my cock last night, so hot and wet and knowing. He knew exactly what he was doing when he was sucking my dick. I quickly pump my dick several times, imagining Jake's mouth and his broad shoulders and his bright blue eyes and his thick, huge cock. I come all over my chest and my entire body shakes the mattress violently.

There are a few things that are suddenly clear to me: 1) I just masturbated for the first time in a long time like an embarrassing pre-teen and I imagined my best friend while I was doing it. 2) Something about Jake turns me on and gets under my skin and I'm not sure what I'm feeling, whether it's love or lust and curiosity. And 3) I'm completely fucked.

Chapter Text


It has been two weeks since I've heard from Ryan. I've tried reaching out to him several times and he won't return my phone calls or respond to my texts and it's pissing me off. I understand that he's freaking out and he doesn't know what he's feeling but I wasn't expecting him to shut me out completely like this. I really don't want this to fuck up our friendship. He's my closest friend and he knows everything about me. My fears, my dreams, my regrets, everything. I can't risk losing him as a friend. I apologize over text and say I'm sorry I made things awkward and that I'd like to see him and hang out again just as friends. He still doesn't respond.

Today I'm going on a weekend trip to the lake with all my boys. Every July, all of my friends and I rent out a cabin at the lake and spend the weekend there, and it's the highlight of my summer every year. Ryan and I usually share a room at the cabin, but now I'm wondering if he's even going to show up. My friends Jamie, Leo, Blake, Chris and I are all piled in the back of Jamie's suburban as we head up. We still have a few more guys to meet up with once we get to the cabin, and I'm worried whether or not Ryan will show up. I'm nervous that he will but I'm even more nervous that he won't. Ryan and I have had some amazing memories at this lake and it would be sad if he didn't show up because of me.

Jamie finally pulls up on the gravel road just outside of the cabin and we all jump out of the car.

"Fucking finally I've been waiting for this all year," Jamie says, stretching his arms.

"Me too," I say, making my way inside the cabin and heading towards my usual room.

I swing the door open and see Ryan standing shirtless beside one of the twin beds, unpacking his backpack. My breath catches in my throat when he glances up at me.

"Hey," he says casually, as if nothing weird has been happening between us.

"I didn't think you were coming," I say, throwing my backpack on the opposite twin bed.

"Of course I'm coming. You think I'm gonna miss out on the lake just because of what happened with us? The lake is the highlight of the summer, you know that," he says.

"Yeah I know that," I say, feeling irritated. "You haven't returned any of my texts or calls..."

"I know I'm sorry, can we talk some other time and just have fun this weekend?," he asks, stopping what he's doing and looking up at me.

My heart sinks in my stomach. "Yeah, whatever. I was going to suggest the same thing," I say, trying to sound casual.

"Great," he says, looking relieved. "I'm gonna go say hi to everyone," he says, leaving the room.

I feel like I've just been punched in the gut. I understand that he'd rather not talk about it now and just enjoy the weekend without there being awkward tension, but I can't help being attracted to him. It's annoying that he can just flip a switch when it comes to his feelings for me, if he even has any feelings at all. My head is spinning as I walk out into the yard and try and enjoy myself.




Within the hour we start barbecuing burgers and hot dogs and drinking beers and throwing the football and jumping in the lake. I'm shoving food down my throat and chugging a beer as I watch Ryan tossing a football with Jamie. I'm trying to pay attention to the conversation I'm having with Leo and Chris but I keep looking over at Ryan and Jamie playing football. Ryan is still shirtless and he's only wearing his swim trunks. His swim trunks are navy blue and they hang dangerously low on his hips. His body is so chiseled it makes me jealous and turned on all at once. Ryan's always been the type of guy who shaves every inch of his body, and he doesn't have hair anywhere on his chest (and now I know he doesn't have pubic hair either.) He's the definition of clean cut and perfectly shaven. There's no hair on his body to hide his rigid muscles. He's completely opposite from me in that way, I always feel more manly when I have facial hair and chest hair. Not to mention my facial hair grows back way too fucking fast for me to keep up with it everyday.

Ryan runs backwards and catches the football, spiking it into the ground as he does. He's so tall and athletic and mesmerizing. I take a long sip from my beer as I watch him running around the grass. I could watch him all day.

"You seeing anybody Jake?" Leo asks and my head snaps back into attention.

"No I'm not," I say, putting my beer down on the grass and rubbing my hands over my face.

"Michelle says she can set you up, she knows this really nice girl who would love to meet you," he says, nudging my leg.

"Tell Michelle to quit playing match maker," I joke. "I'm not looking for a relationship right now anyway."

"That's my boy," Chris says. "New pussy every night is the best way to live."

"Sure, like that's happening," I say, shaking my head laughing as I glance back at Ryan.

"Are you and Ryan fighting or something?" Leo asks.

"What? No?" I say, caught off guard at the mention of Ryan's name.

"You guys are usually tied at the hip and it seems like he's avoiding you," Leo says.

"We just had an argument earlier but we're fine," I say, drinking more of my beer.

"What did you fuck the same girl or something?" Chris asks, laughing.

I stifle an awkward laugh. "Not exactly."

"Well if you want to trade rooms with me I would be more than willing. Jamie snores loud enough to wake the dead," Leo says.

"As appealing as that sounds I think I'll just stay with Ryan," I say, finishing my beer. "I'm going to grab another beer, you guys need anything?"

"No thanks dude," Chris says.

I stand and walk over to the cooler, grabbing another beer and twisting the cap off. I glance over at Ryan and Jamie who are still playing football. Ryan's back arches as he throws a perfect spiral at Jamie, and Jamie catches it and see's me watching them.

"Jake," he says, before tossing the football at me. I almost drop my beer but I catch the football, and Ryan looks over at me, smirking and licking his lips.

I toss the football back at Ryan and he catches it, effortlessly and tosses it back to Jamie, his biceps bulging as he does. I turn and head back over to Leo and Chris. I start chugging my beer, desperately trying to forget how awkward it is between us.





Hours later the sun is starting to set and I've been swimming in the water all afternoon. It feels so good, like bath water. Leo starts a bon-fire on the dirt area beside the water and we all crowd around it. I grab my first beer of the day and start downing it. It finally feels like summer and the sun feels good on my skin. I glance up and see Jake staring at me from across the fire pit. He's been staring at me all day and it's making me feel uneasy. I'm not sure what's going on in his head and I'm not sure I want to know, to be honest.

After the sun has completely set most of the guys head inside and crash on the couch. It's late in the night when I finally decide to head back to my room. When I walk into the room I see Jake sitting on his bed, drinking a beer.

"What are you doing sulking in here all alone?" I ask.

"I'm not sulking," he says, his words slurring a little.

"Are you drunk?" I ask.

"No," he says, but his glassy eyes say otherwise.

"Are you okay?" I ask, taking my towel from around my neck and laying it on the bed.

"No I'm not fucking okay," he says, taking another sip from his beer.

"How many beers did you drink today?" I ask, concerned.

"Like you give a fuck," he says, coldly.

"Hey, I care," I say, grabbing his leg and he flinches under my touch. "I'm sorry I've been distant."

"Distant?" he laughs. "You've hardly even talked to me."

"I know," I say, feeling guilt. "I'm sorry Jake... It's just... Being around you makes me nervous."

"Nervous? What are you nervous about?" he asks, his cheeks rosy from all the alcohol.

"The way I feel about you makes me nervous."

"And how exactly do you feel about me Ryan? Cause I sure as fuck don't know," he says, taking another sip of his drink.

"I don't know Jake. I'm sorry if this is hard for you, but I don't know how I feel yet. It's scary for me. Being attracted to you," I say, walking on eggshells.

"Yeah cause you're so obsessed with what everyone thinks about you," he spits out, rubbing his head.

"That's not true," I say, even though I know it is.

"Yes it is. That's why you shoved me off of you in the bathroom a few weeks ago. You would freak the fuck out if any of our friends here found out what happened between us," he says.

"I'm sorry Jake," I say, feeling terrible.

"Fuck your sorry," he stands, grabbing the door and slamming it as he leaves. I sigh and hesitate for a moment before I follow him out.

By now it's past one in the morning and almost every one of our friends has passed out on the couch or in their rooms. Jake angrily walks past the sliding glass door and makes his way down to the lake.

"Jake," I call after him but he won't stop. He walks along the water for a while, until we are out of sight from the cabin. I watch as he starts stripping out of his clothes.

"Jake, what are you doing?" I ask.

"Swimming obviously. I haven't gone fucking swimming once today," he says, tugging his shirt off his head. I try not to notice the way his biceps flex as he does.

"You're drunk and it's dark, this is dangerous," I say.

"Then stop me," he says, looking up at me. I stare back at him for a minute, glancing down at his broad chest. "That's what I thought," he says and pulls his pants and boxer briefs down. My pulse quickens at the sight of his cock, and I look over my shoulder in the direction of the cabin but I don't see anyone or anything.

"You didn't think to wear swim trunks?" I ask quietly, not trusting myself to speak any louder.

"I'm sorry is this bothering you?" he motions his hands toward his cock and arches his eyebrows as he looks up at me.

"No," I say, and watch as he walks into the water. I can't see anything but his naked body glimmering in the moonlight. I feel a tightness in my crotch and gulp.

"Are you coming in?" Jake asks, wading into the water. I can only see his head bobbing above the surface.

I start to walk into the water when Jake yells, "Take off your trunks, pussy."

I stop walking and glare at him. "I'm not a fucking pussy," I say. "I was just smart enough to wear trunks."

"Whatever, pussy," he says, turning his head away from me and swimming out farther.

The back of my neck feels warm and I can feel anger bubbling inside my chest. This is so stupid. I quickly slide my trunks off my hips and then dive into the water, not wanting to overthink it.

"Look who decided to show up," Jake says.

"Shut up Jake," I say splashing him. The water feels amazing and I haven't skinny dipped in years. It feels good letting everything float naturally in the water.

"Remember last summer when I jumped from that cliff and I scraped my arm really bad in the water and I had to get stitches?" Jake says, wading closer to me in the water.

"Yeah I remember your drunk stupid ass," I say laughing. "Which is why I was nervous about you going in the water again while you're drunk."

"You worry too much," he says, swimming close to me. His face is inches from mine now.

"Maybe, but at least I'm careful," I say, looking from his eyes to his lips.

"Sometimes when you're too careful you miss out on a lot," he says, moving impossibly close. He smells like sun tan lotion and summertime. His blue eyes dance across my face. He grips the back of my neck as he brings his warm mouth onto mine. I can taste the beer on his tongue, and I reach up and pull his neck closer, feeling the stubble of his facial hair beneath my fingers. "Want me to take you up on that rain check now?" he asks, bringing his hand to my cock under the water.

I instantly harden under his touch and my breath hitches in my throat. He smiles at me, his blue eyes dark with lust. He likes having this control over me. He pumps me once under the water and I have a death grip on his shoulder. I feel his erection pressing into my leg under water and I reach down and stroke him as he's pumping me and he moans loudly, his voice echoing off the water.

"Shh, not so loud," I say pumping him slowly.

"Fuck," Jake says, thrusting his hips into my hand as he continues to jerk me off. He's so vocal during sex it's erotic and hilarious at the same time.

I bring my mouth down to his neck and suck on it as we continue touching each other and he moans loudly again, pumping me faster. "Come on Ryan," he says and hearing him say my name turns me on even more. I start pumping him faster and he starts bucking his hips wildly against me, and I know he's close.

"Fucking hell," Jake grunts, on the brink of orgasm. I feel myself getting close too, all the tension in my body building in my crotch.

"I'm close," I say, and his fingers readjust their grip on my cock, and tug even faster. "Jesus Christ," I cry as I come.

I jerk him a few more times before he's right there with me. "Fuck Ryan," he moans loudly, his body shaking as he comes, thrashing in the water.

I quickly glance over my shoulder in the direction of the cabin and don't see anyone. It's peacefully quiet and it's nice knowing we are completely alone out here. "Are you scared someone will see us?" he asks when he sees me checking our surroundings.

"Aren't you?" I ask.

"No.. Like I said earlier you worry too much," he says.

"Maybe you don't worry enough," I say.

"What are you so worried about? It wouldn't change anything for them. They're our friends, they would support us," he says.

"What do you mean this wouldn't change anything?" I ask, bewildered. "This would change everything Jake. And we don't even know what this is yet so I'd like to figure that out before we get other people involved."

I start swimming back to shore and climb out of the water, grabbing my swim trunks off the ground.

"Your ass looks great in this moonlight," Jake says from the water, as I'm sliding up my trunks.

"My ass looks great in any light," I say, and Jake laughs as he climbs out of the water behind me.

Chapter Text


I wake up in the morning with a really bad hangover and a killer migraine. I know I drank way too much last night. Flashbacks of last night flash into my mind: arguing with Ryan in this room, and then skinny dipping in the lake. My head pulses as I remember giving him a hand job under the water - and him returning the favor. I groan and shift my hips on the mattress, my morning wood pressing firmly against my shorts. I glance across the room where Ryan's twin bed is and see that it's empty. I wonder how late in the afternoon it is.

I make my way downstairs and grab a cup of coffee. "Look who's finally awake," Jamie says, reaching over and slapping my back.

"What time is it?" I ask, squinting because the sun is so bright.

"It's 3pm dude have you been sleeping this whole time?" he asks.

"Yeah I have. I had way too much to drink last night," I say, my head still throbbing.

"Dude it's summer, and we're at the lake. There's no such thing as drinking too much," he says, laughing.

"Yeah I guess," I say, taking a sip from my coffee. "Where is everyone?"

"They're all firing up the jet-skis, we should head out there," he says.

"Yeah I think I will," I say, and quickly head up to my room to change into my trunks. I put on my life vest and head out to the lake, where I see the guys crowding around a beach area with the cooler open and already drinking beers.

"Finally Jake! We were getting concerned," Leo says as I walk up. Ryan looks over his shoulder at me and smiles. He's only wearing his navy blue trunks and his life vest. His eyes travel up and down my body before meeting my stare again and then he turns back around to the water. I wish I knew what he was thinking.

"Alright we only have these jet-skis rented for a few hours so to make the most of it we have to pair up," Leo says and everyone groans. "Sorry but I was only able to get three. I just figured Chris and I would get one. Jamie and Blake would get one and Jake and Ryan would take the last one," he says.

"Fine but I'm driving," Chris says, and Leo sighs.

I look over at Ryan and he's staring out at the water. He's awkward again for some reason. Leo and Chris hop on their jetski and take off, with Jamie and Blake following shortly after. Then it's just me and him. "I can drive if you want me to," I say, trying to break the tension.

"Are you sober enough to drive?" he asks, glancing over at me.

"Yes," I spit out. "Are you?"

"It's fine, you can drive," he says, raising his hands in surrender.

"Okay then," I say, climbing on the jetski. Ryan follows me and climbs onto the jetski and slides in behind me. He's sitting inches away from me though, and instead of hanging on to me, he chooses to hang on to the back seat.

"You can hang on to me if you want," I say, glancing back at him. "I'm going to be going really fast."

"I'm good back here," Ryan says, uncomfortably.

"Suit yourself," I say, starting the gas and pulling away from the dock. "Don't be mad when you go flying off the back and I don't stop because I can't feel you fall off," I laugh and head for the wake zone.

We wade through the 15 mph zone, the jetski rocking back and forth in the water, Ryan still sitting inches away from me. "Why are you so quiet?" I ask.

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"You're so fucking quiet it's awkward. You've barely said a word to me today," I say.

"Sorry I guess I just don't know what to talk about with you anymore," he says.

"Ouch," I say, hurt by that.

"I didn't mean for that to be offensive, I just don't," he says.

"We're still best friends Ryan," I say.

"I don't know what we are anymore," he says.

I feel bile rising in my throat and anger bubbling inside my chest. His indecisiveness about us is starting to piss me off and I'm getting sick of being tugged along like a dog on a leash. As soon as we leave the 15 mph area, I push down on the gas so hard and we go soaring across the water.

"Fuck," I hear Ryan curse as he struggles to hang on. Part of me wishes he would fall off and part of me feels bad for thinking that.

We hit a wake and the jetski lifts into the air for a few seconds before crashing back onto the water, and I feel Ryan slide close to me, and wrap his arms around my life vest. So he changed his mind after all. What I wasn't expecting was the feeling of his hard cock pressed into my lower back. I had no idea he was even horny and I wonder what made him get so hard in the first place and I'm thinking about his dick and I can't concentrate on driving properly. The wind is whipping in our faces as the jetski speeds over the surface of the water at an alarming speed. I look down at the speedometer and it goes up from 60 to 65 to 70. We hit a bumpy wave and Ryan's hips shift and crash hard against my back and I feel myself harden in my trunks. Fuck, I can't think clearly when his hips are grinding into my back like this.

We hit a huge wake going 70 mph and it's like it happens in slow motion as we both fly off the jetski and crash hard into the water. We both flip on the surface of the water a few times before finally stopping and it feels like the world is spinning too fast. I burst through the surface of the water completely disoriented and try to catch my breath. I look over at Ryan who is also in the water just a few feet away from me. "Are you okay?" I ask, struggling to catch my breath.

"Yeah I'm fine," Ryan says, slicking his wet hair back and swimming closer to me. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, just whip-lashed that's all," I say, wincing.

"What were you thinking you stupid fuck? Haven't you ever driven a jetski before?" he asks, suddenly furious.

"Yes I've driven a fucking jetski before," I say, fuming.

"We could've seriously gotten hurt, Jesus Christ Jake," he says.

"I'm sorry but I was a little distracted when I felt your fucking erection rubbing against my back," I say and he squints his eyes at me, surprised before looking away embarrassed.

"I'm fucking driving," Ryan says, still furious and starts swimming away from me and towards the jetski.

"What made you so horny in the first place? Just out of curiosity?" I ask, licking my lips and Ryan's cheeks flush bright red.

"It was nothing. Just an adrenaline rush, that's all," he says, as we make our way back to the jetski.

"Really? An 'adrenaline rush'?" I ask. "You really think I'd believe that shit?"

"Shut the fuck up Jake," he says, splashing me. He puts his arms on the end of the jetski and lifts his body onto it, his biceps bulging as he lifts his entire weight out of the water. His body is so chiseled and carved to perfection. After gawking at him from the water I climb onto the jetski and slide into place just behind him. He shifts his hips uncomfortably and my cock sits firmly against his lower back. Now he'll know what it's like to feel distracted.

He starts the gas up and I slide my arms around his life vest. He cranks up the gas and we start speeding across the water once again. The wind feels so good against my wet skin, but not nearly as good as it feels to have my dick pressed into his lower back. Every time we hit a slightly bumpy wave, which is often, our hips bounce and my cock rubs on his back and the sensation is fucking incredible. I am getting harder by the second, so I slide one of my hands under his life vest and feel his rock hard abs. Ryan's spine straightens and he gulps as my hand explores his chiseled muscles. I stare at the back of his head, with his perfectly clipped wet blonde hair, and I want to suck on the nape of his neck. His abs feel wet and slippery under my fingertips, since we fell in the water, and I wonder if he's still hard. Using my other hand, I reach down and rub him over his trunks, and yes he's definitely still hard.

"Jake," he grunts, and it sounds like a warning. A don't-fucking-touch-me-right-now warning.

We hit another big wake and my hips slam into his lower back again, causing me to moan loudly.

"Jake, get your shit together," Ryan says, his voice clipped and angry.

"Why is it distracting you?" I ask. "Cause your dick sure as fuck distracts me," I say, my hands gripping his damp hips.

"Stop grinding into my back and touching me or I'm gonna crash this thing," he says and I feel relieved. He's not really mad, he just doesn't like being teased.

"Crash it Ryan," I say, reaching my hand down and stroking his cock again.

"Fucking hell Jake," his hoarse voice says, sounding equally angry as he does turned on.

"I'm sorry," I say. I drop my hands down to his hips and Ryan heads back in the direction of the cabin. We don't say another word as Ryan pulls the jetski back up to the dock and jumps off. "I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable," I say, as he's tying the jetski down to the dock.

"Can we not do this now?" he asks, standing and looking back up at me. He pulls off his life vest and reveals his perfectly chiseled, smooth abs and I force myself to look away. He runs his fingers through his wet hair, and then looks at me, his blue eyes brighter than the sky around us. "Can we talk later tonight is what I'm asking?" and he sounds sincere.

"Yeah," I say, quickly. "Yeah sure we can talk later."

"Great," he says, turning and walking back towards the cabin. I try not to stare at his perfect, round ass and his long, athletic legs as he walks away. I rub my forehead, wishing things were different. Part of me wishes I never told him how I felt.



Later that night I'm sitting in our room at the cabin, waiting for Ryan to come up. I'm hoping now will be the time we can finally talk about what this is between us. It makes me feel nervous for some reason and I wonder if he's really going to open up.

I hear the door click open and close and Ryan walks in, shirtless and wearing his favorite sweats. They are grey sweats and they hang dangerously low on his hips. His sun-kissed skin glistens even in the dim lighting in this room, and he smells amazing, like he just stepped out of the shower. He's so fucking attractive it's hard to look him in the eyes.

"Hey," he says, casually laying on his bed, putting his arms behind his head.

"You shaved," I say, surprising myself. I'm not really sure why I say it but I notice his face looks really smooth, and not slightly scruffy like it did a few hours ago.

"I did," he says, seeming surprised that I would even notice or care. "Did I miss a spot or something?" he asks, when I continue staring at him.

"No, sorry - I just," I struggle to find words. "You really don't like facial hair do you? Or any body hair for that matter?" I don't know why I ask him about this. He's always been that way.

"I don't mind it, I just prefer not having any. I hate working out with body hair and facial hair cause the sweat sticks to the hair and it makes me feel so gross. And the feeling of being in the water and swimming without any body hair is so nice. My body glides through the water easier and feels so much lighter," he says. "I know that sounds stupid."

"It doesn't sound stupid," I say. "I mean it makes sense, but I obviously wouldn't know," I say, gesturing to my beard.

"Well you should keep the beard," he says. "It's a good look on you," his eyes smile as he looks over at me.

I feel like my chest is going to burst. He actually admitted that he likes the way I look with a beard? Guess who's never shaving ever again? This guy. "Well you look good without a beard," I say, "it really shows off your jawline when you don't have any facial hair."

He laughs at this, shaking his head and staring at the ceiling. "Can I ask you something personal?" he asks suddenly, sitting up on his arm and looking at me.

"Anything," I say, probably too quickly.

"Have you ever been with a guy before?" he asks, and my throat dries up.

I hesitate before I finally answer. "Yeah I have," I say, looking away from his burning stare.

"Who?" he asks, curious.

"Heath," I say, wincing. It's still hard to say his name out loud. "Heath Ledger," I say, looking over at Ryan as realization crosses over his face. He had always known Heath and I were close before he died, but he never knew how close. I considered Heath my best friend and I never planned on falling for him, it just happened.

"Oh," Ryan says, considering this.

"Heath was a lot like you actually. He would push me away and claim he wasn't into guys, and then come back to me when he felt weak. He was my best friend and honestly I think he's the only person I ever loved," I say, a knot forming in my throat.

"I'm sorry Jake," Ryan says, and I shake my head.

"The only person I ever loved overdosed and it was probably my fault," I say, sadness building in my chest, feeling like it's going to choke me.

"That's not true Jake, it was an accident," Ryan says, walking over to my twin bed and rubbing my shoulder.

"That's what the tabloids say, but who knows if it was an accident or not," I say, my eyes blurry with tears. "I don't think he could handle his feelings for me and it really scared him - the idea of being with a guy - and I honestly think he would rather die than be seen with me romantically in public, so he killed himself," I say, my voice quivering now.

"Jesus Jake, that's not true. It can't be," Ryan says, looking into my eyes. "I'm sure Heath loved you too."

"If he really loved me he wouldn't have killed himself," I say, wiping my eyes and pulling my knees against my chest.

"What was he like?" Ryan asks. "I mean what did you like about him?"

"He was everything. He was the funniest person I've ever met, and his sense of humor was just as weird as mine is. His smile was so bright and he had so many tattoos all over his body. His Australian accent was so light but got thicker when he was drunk, which was often. We were best friends for years before anything actually happened between us and even after it did, he wouldn't be able to look at me for days after we hooked up. He would only ever show up at my place when he was really drunk or really high and he would tell me he loved me but he didn't know what to do about it. The way he felt about me really scared him and he couldn't be with me romantically unless he was really drunk. I fell so hard for him I didn't even care. He didn't know how to love me when he was sober. He turned into a different person when he was drunk, but I loved him anyway..." I say, finally looking up at Ryan. His eyes look sad and he stares from my eyes, down to my lips. "I loved him a lot," I say, biting my lip and feeling a tear stream down my cheek.

"It's okay," Ryan says, grabbing my head and pulling me into a tight embrace. I shudder out a sob as Ryan holds me, and he keeps his grip tightly around me. "Shhh, it's okay," he says against my ear and I shake as I try and calm down.

"Why didn't you ever tell me about this?" he asks, as he rubs the back of my head against his shoulder.

"I don't know.... I didn't want you to think of me differently," I say, pulling away from his grip and looking into his eyes.

"Think of you differently? I'm an open-minded person Jake I would not have thought of you any differently," he says, and I almost believe him.

"Well you say that now but look at the way you've been acting about us," I say, shoving his arm off me. "How was I supposed to know you would have had such a positive reaction to me and Heath when you aren't even reacting well to us."

"Give me a break Jake, it's completely different accepting the fact that you were with Heath. That had nothing to do with me. But this is all new to me and I'm just adjusting to the idea of it," he says, pissed.

"Well while you're 'adjusting' to it you string me along. You only want me when it's convenient for you," I say.

"I'm still trying to figure this out Jake. Unlike you I've never fooled around with a guy before so I'm still figuring out what I want and what it means if I want you," he says, using his arms as he talks.

"And do you? Want me?" I ask, staring into his piercing blue eyes. I can see the answer on his face.

"Yes," he says, looking away. "I don't want to, but I do."

"Why don't you want to?" I ask, trying to catch his eye but he won't look at me. He's embarrassed.

"Because I'm a coward. I'm fucking scared of being judged. I'm scared that this means my whole life is a lie and I don't really know who I am. I'm scared what this would do to my career if anyone ever found out about us. I'm scared my family would disown me if they found out, as if my relationship with my Dad isn't complicated enough," he says, finally looking into my eyes.

"Ryan, you worry too much. This isn't that big of a deal. We're just two people who are into each other, gender doesn't matter," I say.

"But it does. You know it does, Jake. It thought I knew who I was and I never imagined myself with a guy ever," he says, and my heart sinks into my stomach.

"People change all the time. And just because you like one guy doesn't mean your whole life is a lie. You're probably just bi-sexual. Just because you might like me doesn't mean you don't like women anymore," I say and he shakes his head.

"I know but this is all a shocking revelation to me," he says.

"Well.. we don't even have to be public. I don't care about that I just want to be with you. I understand if you want to keep our relationship private," I say.

"If we had a relationship, I would need it to be 100% between me and you and nobody else could ever know about it and I can't ask that of you. You deserve better than that," he says, running his hands through his damp hair.

"I like the idea of having a secret relationship with you. Nobody has to know, I just want you for myself," I say. "I don't care if I deserve better, I want you."

"Why?" he asks, smiling and holding his arms up. "What is so great about me that you can't find in someone else?"

"Come on Ryan," I say, shaking my head and looking away.

"No seriously, why do you want me when you can have anyone you want?" he asks.

I hesitate and then I start. "Because you're my best friend. When something happens to me you're the first person I want to tell. I love the sound of your laugh, it sounds like a smokers laugh even though you don't smoke. Your eyes are the perfect shade of blue and they shine so bright when they are looking at me. I love that when you drink tequila you get drunk way too fast because you're such a lightweight. We share the same passions in our careers and our lives. We both love acting and boxing and sports. I love how riled up you get when you watch hockey games, you yell at the tv as if they can hear you. We're both oddly similar because we're only a month apart in age, we both have one older sister, we both have shitty Fathers and great Mothers, and we both have blue eyes, mine are just a little darker than yours," I say and look up at Ryan. If only I could capture the look on his face right now. His hand is covering his huge smile and the smile reaches all the way to his eyes. I don't think I've ever seen him look happier than he does in this moment. "Also, you've got incredible abs and a really big cock so that's a bonus," I say and he falls on his back laughing.

"You just had to ruin the moment didn't you?" he asks, and I lay on my back next to him. We both stare at the ceiling.

"You're pretty hot for a Canadian," I say and Ryan laughs so hard he shakes the bed. We lay there, staring at the ceiling for a while before he finally says something.

"You've been feeling this way since long before that party," he says, not a question, just a realization.

"I guess I have," I say, turning my head and looking at him. My heart is beating so loudly I can hardly hear myself thinking.

Seconds later, the door to the bedroom bursts open, startling us both and Jamie comes stumbling in, clearly drunk.

"This isn't my room," Jamie says, words slurring. I don't think he noticed me and Ryan sitting on the same bed. Ryan stands quickly and walks over to him.

"One door down to the left," Ryan says, grabbing Jamie's shoulders and helping him down the hallway. He walks back in and closes the door behind him. "Jamie is such a fucking idiot," he laughs to himself.

I smile and watch him walk over to his bed and sit down. "Thank you for telling me everything you did tonight. I know it couldn't have been easy for you," he says, the lamp's light washing over his skin.

"It wasn't easy but I'm glad I told you," I say. "Now you know how I feel and what I want, and you can decide if you want the same thing."

"I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted," he says, pulling back the covers and flicking off the lamp. "Flying off that jetski today was so fucking painful I'm gonna be sore for days," he complains and I laugh.

"Sorry about that, my bad. My neck is killing me too," I say, rubbing the back of my neck.

"I wouldn't expect anything less from your stupid ass," he says, laughing.

"I wouldn't have crashed if you weren't grinding your cock into my back, but hey I'm not complaining," I say, smiling in the dark.

"Don't start with that shit now or we'll never stop," he says.

I sit up and pull my shirt off my back, then lift my hips and slide my sweats off my hips.

"What are you doing?" Ryan asks, curious.

"It's fucking hot in here. I hardly ever sleep wearing clothes in the summertime," I say, moving the sheets so they only wrap around my waist, my chest exposed.

"I didn't realize," he says, his voice really quiet and tired. I look over at him, his chest glowing in the moonlight that's spilling through the window. He's subconsciously rubbing his fingers over his chest, as he looks out the window at the lake. I can still smell his aftershave from his shower when he shaved lingering on my bed, and his sweats are so low on his hips. His hips look so strong with a defined "v" shape below his belly button. Looking over at him makes my mouth water and I feel a tightness in my briefs.

I try and control my breathing, that's getting noticeably louder, and I barely pull down my briefs, allowing my cock to breathe. "Jake?" I hear Ryan say.

"Hmm?" I ask, rolling my head back into the pillow and biting my lip.

"Whatcha doing over there?" he asks, smirking at me through the dark.

I bring my hand to my pulsing cock and pump myself once. The relief is immense, and my whole body lights up with electricity. I pump myself over and over again, my hand sliding up and down my cock as quickly as I can manage. I bite my lip and stifle a moan.

"Jake?" Ryan asks again and I moan in response. I love hearing him say my name. I pull my briefs all the way down my legs and throw them at him as I continue to stroke myself.

"Jesus Christ," Ryan says when my briefs hit his face. "You're savage," he laughs.

I touch myself to the sound of his sleepy voice, so hoarse and so sexy. "Keep talking," I say.

"What do you mean?" he asks, glancing over at me.

"Your voice is so fucking sexy, please keep talking," I say, still stroking myself.

"I don't know what to say," he says, confused.

"Fucking hell Ryan just talk. Tell me what you want me to do to you," I say, and I feel the energy change in the room.

"I want you to deep throat my cock," he says, his voice deep and husky. I moan when he says it and I can feel myself getting close as I pump myself as fast as I can. "I want your hands on me, feelings my abs like you did on the jetski today."

I thrust my hips against the sheets as he talks. "I was so hard on the jetski today it was painful. I wanted to throw you in the water and repeat what we did the night before, giving each other amazing hand jobs under the water," he says and I moan loudly.

"Keep your voice down, Jesus," Ryan says, laughing.

"I'm almost there," I say, bucking my hips wildly as I pump myself. I feel my toes curling and my spine tingling and I come hard, shooting all over my chest. I grab a tissue off the night stand and wipe my sperm off my chest. "You're too much for me," I say, smiling.

Ryan throws my briefs back at me and rolls onto his stomach. "Goodnight Jake," he says.

Chapter Text


It's the last night at the lake, and everyone is getting riled up. Earlier in the day, I woke up to an empty room again (who knew Ryan was such an early riser?) and I didn't even leave the room till after noon. Last night was intense for me, admitting things about my past to Ryan and admitting that I want him - and have wanted him for a long time. It scares me being this vulnerable about my feelings with someone.

Around three in the afternoon we all went swimming again, jumping off the side of the cliff into the lake. Me and Ryan raced like we always do, swimming from one side of the lake to the other. He beat me again like he always does and I blamed my chest hair for slowing me down, my body doesn't glide through the water as easily as his does. But he says I'm full of shit and he thinks it's pathetic that he can beat me at swimming when I'm from California. I guess that's true. I didn't tell him that I was distracted by how sexy his body looks gliding through the water.

Now the sun has gone down and everyone is inside, blasting music and smoking weed. They all have the lights dim and the TV on and all the guys are spread out on the couches and in the kitchen, sitting on counters. Jamie pulls out a bottle of tequila and Ryan is the first one to take a shot. Great, I think, knowing he'll be drunk within minutes.

Ryan is wearing a black tank top that shows off the tattoos on his left arm. He's also still wearing his navy blue swim trunks that cup his ass so perfectly. I changed into my black sweats and a grey polo shirt, and my hair is still damp from showering.

I walk over to the couch and sit next to Blake, who is lighting a joint. "Seriously though dude, you should've seen the tits on this chick though," Blake says to Leo, as he puffs on his joint.

I glance up at Ryan as all the guys laugh and argue over which chicks they are hooking up with are hotter. "Ryan, you're seeing that one girl right? The one with the great ass and big tits? What's her name?" Jamie asks and I perk my head up, looking at Ryan.

"We were never a couple," Ryan says, "I just hooked up with her a few times."

"I'm so jealous dude, that girl is one of the hottest girls I've ever seen," Jamie says and I feel my stomach sinking.

"Yeah she was pretty hot," Ryan says, and I stare at him but he won't look at me. I know it's stupid, but I can feel myself burning with jealousy. I know Ryan was hooking up with this girl long before the party and before anything happened between us, but I still feel sick to my stomach even thinking about him hooking up with someone else.

I glance up at Ryan as he grabs the bottle of tequila and pours himself another shot. He glances up at me before he quickly downs the shot and starts pouring another. "Whoa slow down there Ryan," Leo says. "We all know how quickly tequila hits you."

"It's our last night here give me a break," Ryan says, before downing another shot.

"Yeah fuck off Leo," Blake says. "Take out your tampon and take a hit," he says, passing him the joint.

I'm still sipping my beer, and I lean back against the couch and look up at Ryan. He's sitting directly across from me, on the other side of the glass table in between us. He takes one more shot of tequila before wincing and grabbing a lime and sucking down hard on it. He looks up at me as he sucks on the lime, and I smile.

Ryan leans back on the couch, his cheeks flushed. Our friends carry on their conversation around us, and I chime in from time to time but all of my attention is focused solely on Ryan. He keeps licking his lips as he's looking over at me, and his eyes are seductive. His eyes are practically glued to me, and he won't look away even for a second, even when I do. His stare is so fucking intense and intimidating. He reaches down and tugs on the ends of his swim trunks, readjusting himself in his shorts, and I notice his thick erection pressing against his swim trunks. The lights are so low in this room that I don't think anyone else notices, but I feel my heart beating like crazy in my chest at the thought of Ryan being so horny in front of everyone.

"Jake what are you doing next weekend?" Jamie asks, snapping me back into reality.

"Uhh.. I'm not sure why?" I ask.

"I have an extra ticket to a baseball game if you want to come? I know you're one of the only guys in this group who loves baseball as much as I do," he laughs.

"Yeah that sounds great," I say, looking back over at Ryan who's still staring at me. His shifts his hips on the couch and licks his lips again, resting his head against the couch cushion. I can tell his erection is starting to bother him. I want nothing more than to walk over there and straddle him and take him in my mouth, but I can't. Ryan would freak out if I did.

Ryan's still looking at me when he reaches down and rubs himself through his shorts. He bites his lip when he does it, holding back a moan I'm sure and I can't take my eyes off him. My mouth waters as he gently thrusts his hips into his hand. The music in the room is blasting so loud, I can't hear his soft moans, and neither can our friends thankfully.

The look in his eyes is wild. He reaches for the bottle of tequila and doesn't bother pouring a shot glass this time, he just sucks on the bottle. The way his lips are wrapped around that bottle sends a shiver down my spine. "Ryan, Jesus," Leo says, finally acknowledging him. "Save some for the rest of us will you?"

Ryan sets the bottle down and grunts. "I think I'm gonna call it a night guys," he says, his words slurring a little.

"Dude it's so early," Blake complains.

"It's almost 1am," Ryan says, rubbing his head.

"Exactly," Blake says.

"I'm going to go lay down," Ryan says, and he nods his head at me when he walks past me. Is that some sort of signal that he wants me to follow him into the bedroom? I feel my heart hammering in my chest and look around at the other guys, still chatting and smoking weed and minding their own business. The music is thumping so loud, I'm sure they wouldn't even hear anything from upstairs. I wait a few minutes before I excuse myself and say I'm exhausted. They all groan and say "Not you too Jake," but I insist, faking exhaustion.

I quickly make my way up the stairs and down the hallway to our shared bedroom. As soon as I open the door, I notice all the lights are off and I look around the room, trying to find Ryan. Before I know it, he slams me into the wall, his mouth attacking me and his body aggressively pressing against mine. "Mmm," I moan into his mouth, completely taken off guard and loving every second of it. He's more drunk than I thought he was.

I can taste the tequila on his lips and smell the aftershave on his smooth jawline. I notice he's shirtless as his warm chest pushes hard against mine. He pins me to the wall, his erection pressed firmly against my inner thigh. I reach up to grab the back of his neck, but he grabs my hands and pushes them against the wall too. He sucks my bottom lip into his mouth, and he moans as he thrusts his hips against mine. I try to move my hands to touch him but he's so fucking strong. I know he likes being in control, and I can feel my cock harden in my pants. In one quick motion he pulls my shirt up and over my head and throws it on the floor.

I finally push him off me and flip our position, pushing him roughly against the wall. He closes his eyes and moans, rubbing his hand over his cock. "I'm so horny," he grunts and my heart slams against my rib cage.

"What do you want Ryan?" I ask, and his eyes look into mine, hazy and unfocused.

"I want to feel your beard on my cock," he says, licking his lips, his blue eyes dark with lust.

Fuck, I'm a goner. I immediately drop to my knees and yank down his swim trunks, something I've been wanting to do all weekend. His erection juts out in front of me and he grabs the back of my head and pulls me close to him. "Not so fast Ryan," I say, my breath fanning over his cock, which I know drives him crazy because that shit drives me crazy. I pull his ass close to me, and lick the skin on his inner thighs. Ryan starts bucking his hips, and I nip at the skin just beside his dick.

"Jesus," Ryan says, gripping tightly onto the back of my head. I can feel the anticipation killing him. He's desperately grinding his dick against my neck and I smile. For once, I'm in control and his nerves of steel are no more. I'm learning that a desperate and drunk Ryan is a fun Ryan. I roll my neck on his dick as I still suck on the skin surrounding his dick and rub my beard against every inch of his shaft.

"Fuck, Jake just suck it already," he moans, coming undone. I barely suck the tip of him into my mouth before pulling it out again and licking his inner thigh again. He lets out a strangled moan, "You're killing me Gyllenhaal," he says, and I feel a shot of electricity down my spine. He rarely ever says my last name and it sound so sexy coming out of his mouth. His voice is raw and hoarse and so fucking sexy.

I finally take his cock in my mouth and pump him with my hands. Ryan gives a horny shiver, and grips the back of my head as I bob up and down. "More, Jake," Ryan grunts. "Take more, deeper."

I moan and take him deeper into my mouth, loving his filthy commands. He never talks dirty in bed (unless he's drunk apparently) and I'm loving every second of it. I release him and then glide my tongue all the way down his length, and back up to the tip. Ryan desperately rocks his hips against my mouth. "Jesus fucking Christ," he groans. I reach up and feel his abs clenching as I suck him dry. He's so alive and solid and warm under my fingertips. I start thrusting my own hips because I'm so horny. "Faster," he mumbles.

Ryan rolls his head back against the wall as I suck his entire length down my throat, trying to impress him. "I want to be inside of you so badly right now," he says and my whole body stills for a second. We've never talked about having actual sex before, and I feel weak in the knees, thinking of him being inside of me. I look up at him and his eyes are still closed. He's probably only saying this because he's drunk. "I would be the best sex you've ever had," he says, biting his bottom lip.

I feel my cock getting impossibly hard in my sweats and I moan as I suck around his length. I have absolutely no doubt that he would be the best sex I've ever had. I want him so bad it hurts. My heart's desire is completely vulnerable against this wall, begging me to suck his cock - I couldn't be happier. I cup his balls, gently rubbing them and Ryan lets out a cry. "I'm close," he says. He doesn't seem to care how loud we are being. I can still hear the music from downstairs thumping through the walls so chances are they can't hear anything, but I'm used to Ryan being so paranoid, so it's nice to see the alcohol loosening him up.

I rub his balls gently as I take all of him in my mouth when his entire body shakes with an orgasm. "Fuck," he chokes out as he shoots down my throat.

"You should drink tequila more often," I say and he laughs. "It turns you into a fucking animal."

"That felt so fucking good. That was the best blow job I've ever received in my life," he says, slurring his words. I don't even care if he's only saying this because he's drunk, I feel warmth in my chest from the praise. Lord knows he's received so many blow jobs in his life, I mean he's Ryan fucking Gosling, and for him to say that this one I gave him was the best makes me feel like I'm floating.

He crashes onto his mattress with a hard thud, and he glances up at me, his eyes sparkling through the dark. "Come here," he says, patting his bed. I make my way across the dark room and climb onto his tiny twin bed. I crawl on top of him and bring my lips down to his. I can still taste the tequila on his tongue, and I'm sure he can taste his come in my moth but he doesn't seem to care.

As I'm hoovering over him he pulls my sweats down, and my cock springs out in between us, spiking against his chest. He grabs the base of my cock and pumps me once, and my entire body shivers. "I'm so fucking hard Ryan," I moan.

"God, your cock is so fucking huge," Ryan mumbles as he strokes me. I feel a rush of excitement from that compliment, and begin rocking my hips against him faster. "Come on Jake, I want to hear you fucking scream my name," he groans and his hand starts flying up and down my cock.

"Fucking hell," I moan loudly and thrust my hips into his warm, large hands. "I'm so close," I choke out, embarrassed that I'm already ready to come. The power this man has over me is fucking terrifying.

"I want you to come all over me," Ryan says, looking up at me, his eyes dark with lust as he continues to pump me. All this dirty talk is really doing it for me, and I gasp as I come so hard, shooting all over his smooth abs and screaming his name as requested.

"Fuck," I say, struggling to catch my breath.

"You're so sexy," Ryan says, grabbing the back of my neck and pulling me into a kiss. My whole body feels like it's on fire. I know he's only being this talkative and honest because of the alcohol but to hear him say these things out loud to me is something I never thought would happen. I grab a tissue off the nightstand and clean my mess off his chest, before laying my head down on his chest. He gently starts stroking my back and I can feel his heart beating rapidly inside his chest. This position feels surprisingly comfortable, like we've been doing this our whole lives.

We lay like that for a few minutes before I hear his breathing slow down, and his hands stop stroking my back. He falls asleep underneath me, and I hold him as close to me as I can in that moment, and gently kiss his pecs. I fall asleep lying on top of him, listening to the thump of his heart beat.

Chapter Text


I wake in the middle of the night and Jake is laying on top of me, his erection spiking me in the chest. The room is dark and his warm chest is pressed against mine, my swim trunks wrapped around my ankles. I attempt to roll him off of me, but he's so heavy. "Jake," I whisper, nudging his shoulder gently.

"Mmmm," he shifts his hips slightly and groans softly into my neck. I don't mind him sleeping on top of me, but his hard cock is painfully pressing into my lower chest. I gently grab both of his shoulders and manage to roll him onto his side.

His eyes remain closed as he instinctively reaches for me, his arms wrapping around the front of my chest. His cheeks are rosy and his hair is messy and he's fucking adorable. I never thought I would use that word to describe my best friend. I roll over and we both fall asleep, him spooning me from behind.


Hours later, the sun is streaming in through the window, right into my eyes. I groan and stretch my arms above my head, turning to look back at Jake who is still sleeping peacefully beside me. He's laying on his side, but his shoulders still look so broad and big - in a good way. I have a pulsing headache from drinking too much alcohol last night, but the sight of Jake naked and sleeping next to me this early in the morning is making me feel so alive. I turn my body to face his and I lift myself over him, bringing my lips down to his scruffy neck.

I start gently sucking on his neck, and he groans and rocks his hips, his eyes still closed. "Morning Jake," I whisper as I suck on his neck.

Jake's eyes flutter open, his striking blue eyes soft and sleepy as he adjusts to the brightness. "Morning," he replies.

"I thought you said you weren't a morning person," I say, wrapping my hand around his stiff cock.

"I'm not," he laughs, and licks his lips, closing his eyes again.

"So it's just your cock then?" I ask. Jake hardens even more under my touch and he looks back up at me and smirks. My heart feels like it's in my throat. I wonder if he's always been this attractive and adorable and sexy and why I'm just now noticing it. His sun-kissed Californian skin is glistening in the morning light, and his brown hair is pushed in every direction, messy from sleep. I can honestly say I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world right now than right here with him.

I bring my mouth down on his, his eyes closing and his hand falling into place on the back of my head. Jake rotates his hips against my lower chest and I wrap my fingers around his shaft. He softly moans into the kiss, his tongue pushing into my mouth as I gently stroke him. I can see goosebumps forming on his arms.

A second later the door to our room bursts open. "Almost time to go guys---" Jamie stops in mid-sentence and I jump off Jake's bed so fast, I crash onto the floor. Within seconds I jump up and grab the blanket off my bed to cover my naked body and Jake scrambles to cover his erection with the blanket. Jake and I both stare horrified at Jamie. Jamie stares at us awkwardly for a minute before quickly closing the door without saying a word.

"Fuck," I say grabbing my swim trunks from around my ankles and throwing them in my backpack. I immediately grab a pair of briefs and jeans and start getting dressed as quickly as I possibly can.

"It's fine, Ryan. Just calm down," Jake says from the bed.

"No it's not fine, did you see his face?" I ask, throwing a shirt over my head as fast as I can. "I'm going to go talk to him," I say, rushing out of the room and down the stairs.

I walk into the kitchen and all the guys are drinking coffee and complaining about how hungover they are. Jamie is pouring himself a cup of coffee when I walk over to him. "Can we talk real quick?" I ask, pouring myself a cup of coffee.

"Sure, let's talk," Jamie says and steps outside, walking down to the lake.

I sip my hot cup of coffee as we both walk down to the side of the lake. My heart is beating so loud, I can hear it in my ears. I don't even know what to say to him. I feel humiliated and embarrassed and I completely forgot we agreed we were leaving early this morning. I shouldn't have slept in the same bed as Jake.

"No need to freak out Ryan, I won't tell anybody," Jamie says and I wince.

"Jamie, I'm really sorry you walked in on that. Jake and I... I don't even know what's going on honestly," I start to ramble but Jamie cuts me off.

"Hey, it's cool. It's none of my business. I'm just sorry I didn't knock," he says, sipping his coffee. "It's not all that surprising actually."

"Why do you say that?" I ask curiously.

"Well for one, I saw you two in the lake the other night skinny dipping," he says and my entire body goes cold.

"You saw us?" I ask, panic showing on my face.

"Dude, it's fine. I ran outside because I heard you both yelling and I thought something was wrong, but you weren't yelling at all. You were moaning, and I was embarrassed to intrude on such a private moment, so I went back in the cabin," he says.

"Fuck," I say, my heart rate speeding up even more.

"But even if I didn't see you the other night, I would still know. The way he's been looking at you lately like you're the reason the sun comes up every morning. I think it would be obvious to anyone who was paying attention," he says, and sips his coffee.

I feel the knot in my stomach start to dissolve, and I inhale deeply, looking out over the water at the beautiful sunrise. How long had Jake been looking at me this way? How am I just now noticing all of this? Have I really been that oblivious in our friendship?

"I didn't realize it was so obvious," I say and Jamie laughs.

"You think I didn't notice the way you were looking at Jake last night either? I certainly didn't buy the whole 'going to bed early' excuse. And then Jake following shortly behind you. I wasn't that drunk and I'm not an idiot," Jamie says as I sip my coffee.

"Well fuck," I say, slightly embarrassed. "Well, will you please do me a favor and keep this to yourself for now? We're still trying to figure out how we feel and we don't want anyone knowing about us until we figure that out..."

"Of course, as I said, it's none of my business anyways. I'm not going to tell anybody," he says, then he nudges my shoulder. "But you guys do make one hell of a couple."

I laugh awkwardly. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"You guys look good together, that's all I'm trying to say. And the sexual tension between you two is so thick I could cut it with a knife," he adds and I laugh again, nervously. "I can see the look on your face and it seems like you're freaking out, but there's really no need for it. Jake is a great guy, and he really cares about you - as I'm sure you already know. I mean you are his best friend after all."

"I know," I say and glance back at the cabin. I see Jake step onto the back patio, holding a cup of coffee and curiously watching us. I nod my head at him and he nods back. Jamie smirks at me and I shove him. "Shut up Jamie," I say as we start walking back towards the cabin.

"I didn't say anything," Jamie protests and I can't wipe the smile off my face. Jake is wearing a navy blue flannel buttoned up to his neck and dark-wash blue jeans, with a thin black belt holding everything in place.

Jamie squeezes Jake's shoulder as he walks past him and goes back into the cabin, sliding the glass door shut behind him.

"What did he say?" Jake asks, his voice panicked as he looks up at me.

"He said he won't tell anyone," I say, shoving my hands in my pockets.

"And?" he asks, his big blue eyes frantically searching mine.

"And he saw us skinny dipping in the lake the other night," I say and he scratches his head.

"Fuck really?' he asks, looking down at the ground.

"Yeah cause you were moaning so fucking loud," I tease and he grins.

"Are you okay though?" he asks, his piercing blue eyes burning a hole through me.

"Yeah I'm fine," I say. "It's just Jamie."

"You know what I mean," Jake says, taking a sip from his coffee. I do know what he means. Am I okay with someone else knowing I'm falling for him? Or more specifically: am I okay that someone else knows I'm into a guy? Am I still okay with being with a guy?

"I'm okay, Jake," I reassure him and the sliding glass door opens and Blake sticks his head out.

"Hey ladies, whenever you're ready it's time to go," Blake says. We both make our way back to the cabin and grab our backpacks and load them into the back of my car. I drove my car up myself, but I'm driving back with Jake and Leo.

Jake climbs into the passenger seat and Leo climbs into the backseat. "Why do you get to sit in the front?" Leo pouts like a child.

"Because I called shot gun," Jake says, sliding sunglasses over his eyes and plugging his phone in my aux cord.

"Alright children settle down," I joke, pulling out of the driveway and turning down the street.

We drive for forty-five minutes without talking, just the sound of Jake's favorite kind of music, hip hop and rap playing through the speakers. I tease him for being such a cliche - a California boy who mainly only listens to rap, but he doesn't care.

"I think he's asleep," Jake says, glancing over his shoulder at Leo, who's snoring softly in the back seat.

I peer in my rear view mirror and see Leo slumped against the door, mouth hanging open as he slept. "He's definitely asleep. Maybe even dead, you should check for a pulse," I joke and Jake laughs.

"He's just a deep sleeper. So am I," he says.

"I know, you snore like a demon," I say and he gasps.

"I don't snore," he insists.

"How would you even know? You're asleep" I say.

"I see your point, but I think I would know if I snored," he says.

"Next time I'll film you then," I say.

He grins. "At least I don't talk in my sleep," and I glance over at him.

"I don't talk in my sleep," I say and he laughs.

"HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?" he asks, mocking me and I smirk at him. "But seriously dude, you mumble so much shit when you're sleeping. I've shared a room with you for years, it drives me nuts."

"Seriously? Fuck, what do I even say?" I ask, embarrassed.

"Well last night you kept saying my name," he says, sliding his sunglasses off and tucking them into his shirt pocket.

"You're full of shit," I say.

"No I'm not, last night you kept groaning and saying my name in your sleep. You mumbled a ton of other incoherent shit I couldn't make out, but I definitely heard my name a few times," he says and I feel heat spread in my cheeks. "No need to be embarrassed, I thought it was sexy as fuck."

"I know you did, I felt that early this morning," I say and now he blushes. "I had to roll you off me at like four in the morning because your erection was pressing into my stomach."

"Sorry," he says, rubbing his face with both hands, his fingers grazing over his beard.

"Don't be sorry," I say, checking my rear view mirror to make sure Leo is still asleep. "It was actually kind of nice. You're pretty adorable in the early hours of the morning."

I feel him staring at me but I keep my eyes focused on the road. "Adorable huh?" he asks and I nod my head. "I was going for sexy."

"You're both of those things at once," I say, looking over at him and the smile on his face is so genuine.

"So what happens now?" he asks. The dreaded question we've both been putting off.

"I don't know Jake," I say, my heart sinking in my chest. "I want to be with you.. I just don't know if I'm ready to be public with you."

"That's fine. I told you the other night that I don't care if we are public or not," he says.

"I know, but you deserve better than that," I say.

"It's not like it's some terrible thing to have a secret relationship. Me and Heath had a secret relationship too. I've had a few before, it's really not that big of a deal," he says and I feel slightly better about it.

"I just don't want you to hate me for it, when we have to be secretive and sneak around and not tell anybody about us," I say.

"I could never hate you, and I'm agreeing to that now so I could never be mad at you for that," he says.

"Okay," I nod. "Looks like we're doing this then."

Jake smiles crookedly at me, then looks down at his phone to change the song. "Did anyone ever tell you you look really sexy in plaid?" I ask and Jake arches his eyebrows, surprised by my compliment. Before he can respond Leo stirs in the back seat and we both casually stare back out at the road.

"Are we almost there?" Leo asks, groggy.

"Yeah, almost," I say, and glance over at Jake who is smiling secretively at me. This is going to be fun.

Chapter Text


After returning home from the lake, Ryan and I are thrown back into our gruesome work schedules and we struggle to find time to see each other. We are secretly exclusive now though, which has been a lot of fun. In the past week alone I've stayed the night at his place twice. Falling asleep to the sound of his steady heartbeat has become a routine of mine. I could feel myself falling harder for Ryan every day, and he's becoming more and more comfortable being with me.

It's a warm August night, and I am on my way to Ryan's place. Thankfully we only live a few blocks apart, and it's a five minute drive to his place. I'm on the way back from a day of non-stop promotion, and I'm still wearing my suit. I'm not going to lie and say I haven't changed yet because I'm hoping the suit will impress Ryan.

I open Ryan's front door, he rarely ever keeps it locked when he knows I'm coming over. I shut it behind me and walk into the living room, all the lights are off. I search around his apartment, before I gently push open his bedroom door and see him curled up in his bed, asleep. "Ryan," I groan, closing the door behind me.

I crawl onto the bed, the mattress dipping with my weight, as I lift myself over Ryan's body. "I thought you said you would wait up for me," I mumble into his warm neck.

He shifts beneath me, "I'm sorry I was so tired," he groans, barely opening his eyes. "Are you wearing a suit?" he asks.

"Yes I'm in a suit," I say, glancing down at the tangled sheets around his waist, taking in his shirtless torso. God, I love how he's been sleeping naked in the summer lately.

"Take it off," Ryan says, tugging at my tie and loosening it enough to slide it off my neck.

"I thought you would like it," I say, pouting a little but I start to unbutton my white collared shirt anyway.

"I do, but I like you naked better," he says, and my skin tingles with excitement. I will never get tired of hearing his compliments. I start pulling off my jacket and shirt and Ryan reaches for my belt buckle, popping it open and shoving my zipper down.

"Whoa, slow down Albuquerque," I tease, as he continues pulling my pants down with such focus. A second later his hand dips under my briefs and he starts stroking my cock. "Fuck Ryan," I grunt, my whole body shivering with his touch.

"Jake," Ryan says, placing both of his hands on my shoulders and becoming very still all of a sudden.

"What?" I ask, concerned. "Are you okay?"

"I want you to fuck me," he says, his voice raspy and seductive.

"What?" I stutter, not expecting this and completely taken off guard.

"Fuck me, Jake," he says, reaching down and rubbing my cock again.

"Whoa, whoa hold up," I say, pulling away from him. "You want to have sex? Since when?"

"Yes. I want to have sex. I need to know what it feels like," he says.

"You want to know what it feels like when I'm inside of you?" I say, my head spinning.

"Well I figured you know what you are doing and you can show me the ropes, so yes. I want you to fuck me," he says, grabbing my briefs and yanking them down, my cock springing out in between us.

"Are you sure?" I ask, and he nods his head, his blonde hair falling onto his forehead. I hurriedly slide off the bed where he tossed my pants and find my wallet in the pocket. I grab a condom and a small packet of lube. I crawl back on the bed and Ryan's eyes are wide and he seems nervous. I pull the sheets down, bend my head and take his cock in my mouth. He gasps and arches his back, and his cock hardens in my mouth. I quickly lick up and down his shaft once, trying to calm him down. I release him from my mouth and lift my head to look him in the eyes.

"Have you ever been acquainted with your prostate?" I ask.

"No," he says nervously.

"Do you trust me?" I ask, his glassy eyes fixed on mine.

He gulps before nodding his head, and my heart floods with relief. I squeeze some of the lube on my fingers and I can feel him watching me, his nerves charging the air. I take his cock into my mouth again, distracting him, and he moans softly, the tension in his muscles relaxing a bit. I bring my fingers to his crease and his breathe hitches as soon as my fingers make contact.

I release his cock from my mouth and look up at him, his eyes are closed and his eyebrows are pinched. "Are you okay?" I ask, barely pushing my finger in and out.

"Yeah, it just feels weird," he says, and he clenches his abs.

"Can you take more?" I ask, knowing that if he says no I'll stop.

"Yeah," he says and I penetrate him, sliding my fingers a little further in. He's breathing heavily now, so I lick the tip of his cock. He rocks his hips into my mouth and I lick him and tease him as I slowly work my fingers toward his prostate. "Relax Ryan, it'll feel much better in a second," I say, then I deep throat his pulsing cock.

I finally reach his prostate with my finger and his thighs tremble beneath me. "Ohfuckohfuck," Ryan moans, as he shakes.

I continue to rub his prostate and take his cock in my mouth as deep as I can manage and Ryan bucks his hips wildly against my mouth. I notice he's also pushing his ass down on my finger, and I smirk knowing how much he's enjoying it.

"I.... Uhh.. I can't... My feet are tingling," Ryan says, flustered and I smile.

"That's a good thing," I say, feeling myself get hard at the sight of him sweaty and vulnerable beneath me.

"Jake," he grunts, opening his hazy eyes and staring into mine. "I need more. I want it all," he says and I feel my heart in my throat. I never thought I would see the day when Ryan Gosling is squirming beneath me and begging me to fuck him.

I grab the condom and rip it open with my teeth, sliding it on and adding more lube so the latex is extra slippery. "Are you sure?" I ask.

His eyes look so innocent but afraid at the same time. "Yes," he says, and I bring the head of my cock to his hole, but he clenches his muscles, denying my entrance.

"Ryan, please just relax for me," I say, sliding my hand up and down his massive erection. His body shivers, the tension releasing and I use the moment to slide the tip in.

"Fuckfuckfuck," Ryan arches his back and spreads his legs as my cock barely slides in. The pressure is insane and he's so hot and tight and I'm so fucking hard for him. I put my hands on his shoulders to steady myself as I slowly slide the tip in and out, letting him get used to the sensation. Ryan stares up at me, his cheeks flushed rosy pink and his chest rising and falling quickly. I've never seen him look so sexy and my dick gets impossibly hard inside of him.

I slowly push all the way inside of him and moan with relief. "You doing okay Ryan?" I ask.

"More than okay," he moans and I thrust my hips into him, slowly, savoring the feeling.

"Faster, Jake," he groans into my shoulder, and grips tightly onto my back with his fingers.

"I don't want to hurt you," I mumble into his neck.

"I need to come," he says, his hand snaking in between us, reaching for his cock. His neck and his cheeks are flushed with desire and he lazily strokes his cock as I thrust inside him.

"No, I got it," I bat his hand away and grope his wet, pulsing cock with my fingers. I re-position my hips so I'm sitting up higher on my knees and the change in the angle makes Ryan moan loudly. I can feel that he's close in the way he's urgently thrusting his hips and his breaths are becoming more jagged.

I thrust deep inside him one more time before my orgasm rips through me. "Fuck," I groan as all the tightness in my groin is released and I'm a trembling, sweaty mess on top of him.

I tug on Ryan a few more times before he's right there with me, shooting all over my chest and shaking the bed with his orgasm. "Jesus fuck," Ryan groans, and wipes his hands across his sweaty forehead.

"Seeing you come is the hottest thing I've ever seen," I say, leaning down and kissing his sweaty collar bone.

"That was fucking.... great. I didn't think I would enjoy it that much," Ryan admits and I hide my smirk.

"You're welcome," I say, collapsing on top of him, exhausted. I link our fingers together and look up at him, his strong jaw line shadowed with a hint of facial hair. "I don't know where that desire came from, but that was fucking amazing," I say.

"I've been wanting to do that for a while.. I've just been nervous about it," he admits.

"How did it feel? Are you okay?" I ask, staring at his perfect face.

"I'm fine. I feel great, I'll probably just be a little sore tomorrow," he says, blushing.

"Probably a lot sore," we both laugh and his body vibrates against mine.

"Only cause your cock is so big," he says and I smirk.

"How would you know? I thought my cock was the only one you've ever played with?" I tease him.

"It is," he blushes even harder. "You know what I mean you cocky shit."I laugh and I let my eyes roam over his body - his strong arms and broad shoulders and the tattoos on his arm. God, he's so sexy it kills me.

"So what do your tattoos mean anyway?" I ask, curiously.

"Which one?" Ryan asks.

"The weird bear paw thing on your elbow?" I ask, unlocking our fingers so I could graze his arm with my hand.

"Do you want the real story or the bull shit story I tell everyone else?" he asks, his eyes mischievous.

"The real story obviously," I say.

"The truth is I used to have a drug problem in my early twenties and I have absolutely no memory of getting that tattoo," he says.

"Really?" I ask, surprised by this. "I didn't know you had a drug problem."

"What did you expect? I grew up poor in Canada, dropped out of high school and moved to LA. I didn't get my first real acting gig until I was almost twenty five, so the first few years in LA were pretty rough," he says, his hand circling my back as he talks.

"I didn't realize life was so hard for you," I said, feeling sad. "I mean I knew you had it rough in Canada, growing up in a trailer park and all but I never realized it was still so rough once you moved to LA."

"My mom was really concerned about me after I left Canada. My Dad has had a drug problem since long before I was born so I think she assumed he would pass his addiction on to me, and unfortunately she was right," he says, sighing a little.

"But you're better now right?" I ask, looking up into his striking blue eyes.

"Yes, I'm better now. I haven't done serious drugs in years Jake, I swear," he says.

"I'm not judging you. But I'm proud of you for getting better... and for trusting me enough to tell me," I say, bending my head down and kissing his collar bone.

"So you've never done any hard drugs?" Ryan asks.

"No, I've only ever smoked weed but who hasn't?" I ask, and Ryan nods his head.

"That's good," he says, looking up at the ceiling.

"So what about this tattoo?" I circle the huge tattoo on his left shoulder.

"It's the giving tree. You know, the children's book," he says and I roll my eyes.

"I know what it is, I just meant why did you get it? What does it mean to you?" I ask.

"It's about giving and sacrifice and that's how I want to be in a relationship. I want to be able to give them my all, but obviously I struggle with that sometimes," he spits out quickly, seeming frustrated.

"Struggle with what sometimes?" I ask.

"Opening up," he says. "I don't like talking about my past. My childhood was shit and my early adulthood was even worse, and things seem to finally be working out for me, so I don't like bringing up the past."

"That makes perfect sense to me," I say, stroking his arm. "I'm not a huge fan of the past either so I get it."

"I know. I know you're not close with your Dad either," he says, closing his eyes and rubbing his fingers over them.

"Ryan, my Dad used to hit me," I say, and he stills beneath me, then opens his eyes and looks into mine confused.

"What?" he asks, shocked.

"Yeah my childhood wasn't exactly a walk in the park either," I say and he scoffs.

"What do you mean he used to hit you?" he asks, a concerned look in his eyes.

"My Dad is an abusive asshole. He used to hit me for the stupidest shit. If he had a bad day he would take it out on me for not finishing my dinner at the table or not getting good grades in school. He would never hit my Mom or my sister because 'hitting women is wrong', but in his mind it was completely okay for him to hit me. It was his idea of making me become a 'man' or making me 'tough'" I say, air-quoting.

"Jesus, Jake I had no idea," he said, sitting up on his elbows.

"How could you?" I ask. "My Dad is a piece of shit and I don't like talking about my past either. I get it Ryan. You don't have to talk about your shitty past until you want to. Until you're ready to tell me. I would never judge you," I say, taking his warm cheek in my hand.

Ryan's eyes were glassy and watery and I felt my heartbeat all the way to my fingertips. The way he looked at me with such concern, and sympathy, like I was broken and he wanted to fix me.

"Come here Jake," he said, wrapping his arms around me and pulling my head down to his chest. I breathed in the scent of his intoxicating cologne mixed with his sweat. I could feel his heart thumping loudly in his chest, and his fingers gently massaged my upper back as I fell asleep on top of him for the third time this week.

Chapter Text


I'm sitting at a restaurant with Jamie and Leo having lunch and we're all impatiently waiting for Ryan to show up. I left Ryan's apartment a few hours earlier when Jamie and Leo called asking to hang out. We all agreed to meet at our favorite restaurant in Los Angeles. We are sitting by a window that looks over the city street and I see Ryan's black challenger pull up just outside. He has the hottest fucking car and he looks so fucking sexy when he drives it. The paparazzi go nuts when he steps out of the car, their cameras flashing like crazy. He's wearing a black muscle shirt that shows off his tattoos, his dog tags are dangling around his neck and he's sliding sunglasses over his eyes. My pulse quickens at the sight of him, he's so attractive I can't tear my eyes away from him.

"Ryan's always fucking late," Leo complains, sipping his beer.

Ryan finally walks up to our table, extending his arm to Jamie and pulling him into a bro hug. "Hey guys, sorry I'm late," he says, walking around to hug Leo.

"As usual," Leo says, and slaps Ryan's back as they hug.

Ryan walks around to my side of the table, and smirks at me. "Hey Jake," he says as if he didn't see me just a few hours ago, and he pulls me into the same bro hug he gave to them. The smell of his cologne hits me and his muscles bulge as they wrap around me.

"Hey," I say softly in his ear, tickling the skin, and he pulls out of the hug and takes a seat in the empty spot next to me in the booth.

We make small talk at the table, talking about our jobs and girls that Jamie and Leo are fucking and reminiscing over the years of our friendship. Ryan talks about the premiere he has coming up later this week and how he's excited and nervous about it. Jamie eyes me and Ryan suspiciously, probably trying to figure out if we are still secretly seeing each other. "Are you fucking anyone lately?" Leo asks Ryan out of the blue and Ryan shrugs as he sips his beer.

"No, I'm not actually," he says and I stifle a laugh because technically it's true. Ryan hasn't fucked me yet. "That's going to change soon though," he says confidently and a shiver runs down my spine.

I glance over at him and smirk just as Leo goes "That's my boy!" Ryan glances at me, his eyes blazing.

"What about you Jake?" he asks.

"Oh you know," I say, shaking my head. "Once in a while."

"Damn, son," Leo says, slapping his leg.

"Why do we still talk about this shit like we're eighteen years old?" I ask.

"Talk about what? Fucking?" Leo asks.

"Not so much fucking, but gossiping about who we are fucking. It just feels so juvenile. Like we're all approaching our forties---"

"Shut the fuck up Jake," Leo cuts me off. "Please don't remind me how old we are getting."

"I'm just busting your balls Leo," I say. "But seriously aren't we getting too old for this shit?"

"I don't think so. We should talk about the girls we are fucking until we are married or dead," Leo says, sipping his beer.

"Agreed," Jamie says, clinking his beer bottle with Leo's.

"Well I have to take off guys," Leo says, finishing the last of his beer.

"What the hell man? Where are you going?" Ryan asks.

"I have to get back to work. I'll see you ladies later," Leo says, patting Ryan's back again as he leaves.

We sit there in silence for a minute, sipping our drinks before Jamie smirks and looks down at the table.

"What?" I ask Jamie and he shakes his head, still smiling.

"How are you two doing?" he asks, using his finger to point back and forth between us.

Ryan blushes and it's one of the most adorable things I've ever seen. "We're doing good," Ryan says, and smiles in my direction.

"Really good," I say, and bite my lip to hide my grin. Ryan reaches under the table and places his hand on my upper thigh and strokes his fingertips up my jeans. My breath hitches in my throat and my leg flexes under his touch.

"That's good, I'm happy for you guys," Jamie says and looks back and forth between the two of us, smiling.

"Thanks man," I say.

"Well, I will leave you two alone," Jamie says, standing from the table. "See you guys later."

"Bye Jamie," we both call out our goodbyes as he leaves the restaurant.

"So," Ryan turns to me, arching an eyebrow and moving his hand further up my thigh.

"Ryan," I shift my hips, and give him a look of warning. "We're still in public. People are staring," I say, looking over his shoulder at two young girls that are looking over at us, most likely recognizing one of us.

"That's weird because I can't stop staring at you either," he says, biting his lip as he burns through me with his intense stare.

"Damn somebody's in a mood," I say, arching my eyebrow at him, and he smiles at me.

"I can't stop thinking about last night," he says, sliding his hand up and down my thigh.

"Fuck Ryan, please don't get me hard in public," I say, closing my eyes and concentrating on not getting an erection.

"But you're adorable when you're sexually frustrated," he says.

I smile sideways at him before I ask "Are you okay? After last night?"

"Yeah. I mean I'm sore as fuck and I can hardly walk straight but yeah I'm fine," he says and I laugh.

"You can hardly walk straight? Jesus," I say.

"Yeah because your massive cock--"

"Shhh, Jesus," I say putting my hand over his mouth. "You're so loud."

Ryan smirks against my fingers and one of the young girls who was staring in our direction starts walking over to us. "Shh, someone's coming," I say, pulling my hand away from him and sitting up straight, and Ryan pulls his hand off my thigh.

"Hi," the teenage girl says, her wide eyes staring at us. "Oh my god, can I take a picture with you? I'm a huge fan," she says to Ryan and he smiles at her.

"Sure," he stands and takes a selfie with her.

"Thank you so much," she gushes and runs back over to her friend.

"Wow you just made her day," I say and Ryan shrugs.

"Can I come over later?" he asks suddenly, and then he looks up at me, his blue eyes wild.

"Of course," I say without even thinking about it. "You don't have to ask, you know. We're dating now. You can come over whenever you want."

"I'll take care of that tonight," he says, looking down at the erection that's forming in my jeans. Fuck, he's going to kill me with how quickly my heart races whenever he says shit like this. I guess I forget to speak and I just stare at him because he laughs quietly and then he pinches my nose with his fingers. "Quit looking at me with that adorable, dazed expression or I'll take you right here in this restaurant," he says, before sipping the last of his beer.

"Don't tease me with a fantasy of mine if you're not going to follow through with it," I say and he squints his eyes at me.

"A fantasy of yours? Really? In a restaurant?" he asks.

"Yeah sure," I say. "Anywhere with you."

"I have a fantasy that involves my car," he says, and licks his lips.

"So do I, fuck. Your car is almost as hot as you are," I say and he raises his eyebrows at me.

"Hilarious," he says, standing. "I'll see you tonight okay?"

"Okay," I say, and he stands there awkwardly for a minute before I stand and we share an awkward hug because we're in public and he turns to leave. The paparazzi go crazy as soon as he walks through the door and he slides his sunglasses back on as he walks through the crowd of people and back to his car. I re-adjust the erection in my jeans, take a few deep breaths and finish the last of my beer before leaving the restaurant.




Hours later, and it's after seven o'clock at night. I am just getting home from a run and I jump in the shower so I can be clean and smell decent by the time Ryan gets here. I can't stop thinking about last night, the strangled moans coming from Ryan all night long echo in my mind and has kept me horny all day.

I hear my front door open and close and figure he'd let himself in. "I'm in the shower," I yell out and I wait to hear something. Less than a minute later and he's opening the bathroom door, but the steam is fogging up the glass so I can't see him. I swipe my hand across the glass wall of the shower, and see him standing there.

"Great idea," Ryan says, pulling his black muscle shirt over his head.

"You coming in?" I ask, my pulse racing at the thought of it.

"Now I get to fulfill a fantasy of mine," he says, popping open his pants and dragging down his zipper. "Shower sex."

"Fuck," I draw in a ragged breath as he slides his pants and his briefs down his legs and steps out of them in one quick motion. His body is the epitome of masculinity with his sharp jawline and tan skin. He opens the door and steps into the shower beside me. He stands under the water and his hair falls into his eyes as the water rains down on him.

"I see you've been thinking about me," he opens his eyes and looks down at my half-erect dick.

I laugh a little awkwardly. "I have been, mostly about last night," I admit. He closes his eyes and slicks his wet hair back and out of his eyes, his right bicep flexing as he does.

"Why are you so nervous right now?" Ryan asks, stepping closer to me, beads of water trickling down his face.

"I'm not nervous," I say, backing into the wall of the shower.

"I can feel how nervous you are right now and it's fucking adorable," he says, his lips curving into a smug smile, knowing he has total control over me.

"You're just really intimidating okay? From the way you walk to the way you look at me... Your confidence is evident and I understand why, you're the most attractive person I've ever seen so, yes you make me nervous," I say, unable to meet his stare.

"Jake, do you have any idea how sexy you are?" he asks, cupping my cheek with his hand and I look up at him, my eyebrows raised. "Seriously. I get nervous around you too, I just hide it better. You're sexy and adorable and you have these huge dimples when you smile and it drives me fucking crazy," he says and I can feel my heart in my throat. I had no idea he had such strong feelings for me.

I smile at him appreciatively and grab my body wash from the shower ledge, squeezing some into my hands. "Turn around," I say and Ryan spins around so his back is facing me. I start rubbing my hands over his back and I can feel all of his taut muscles relaxing under my fingertips. His skin is smooth and his arms are roped with muscle and it's sexy as fuck. I move my hands to his wide shoulders and he feels so strong under my fingers. Then I move my fingers to his tight ass and gently rub the soap across his ass before slapping it hard, the sound echoing.

"Ahh," Ryan groans. "I'm still sore."

"Fuck, sorry I totally forgot," I say, bringing my hand back to the swollen spot and kneading it with my thumb.

"It's all good. It's kinky, I like it," he says and turns to face me.

"There's a lot more where that came from, trust me," I smirk at him and his eyes widen with curiosity. I grab more of the body wash and start rubbing it on his pecs, his nipples are hard under my fingers. He stares at me completely focused as I run my soapy fingers all over his rock hard abs and across his collar bone. I feel my mouth watering as I feel the tense muscles and I want to explore every inch of his body. Then I bring my hand to his cock and rub the soap in between his legs. His breath catches in his throat at the contact and his cock hardens in my hand.

"Can't forget to wash this guy," I say, running my soapy hand up and down his length over and over again, as he gets harder and harder under my fingers.

"Fuck," Ryan moans and he grabs my shoulder to steady himself.

I grab his swollen head and gently swirl my thumb over the tip, before sliding my fist all the way back down his length and Ryan shivers. "Jesus Christ do that again," he says, closing his eyes and gently thrusting his hips into my fist. I trail my wet fingers to the underside of his shaft and give him a firm tug, starting at the base and sliding my wet soapy hand back to the tip and Ryan's breathing is labored as I work him.

"I don't know if you're aware that you're also insanely adorable when you're sexually frustrated," I say, and he growls against my neck.

A moment later Ryan covers my mouth with his and slams me against the wall of the shower. His tongue urgently pushes into my mouth and his pelvis thrusts against mine. He puts his arms on either side of my head on the wall, commanding my full attention. His cock is stabbing into my chest so I reach down and tug on it again and Ryan whimpers in my mouth. He turns his head to my neck and sucks on the spot under my right ear, and I feel lust pulsing down my spine and building in my crotch.

As Ryan sucks and licks my neck, I desperately clutch his back, my slippery fingers sliding across his wet skin. Ryan moves his hands down to my ass and squeezes tightly, pulling me closer to him, before slamming me back into the wall and rocking his hips against mine. "Fuck," I groan, burying my face in his neck and nibbling on his ear lobe.

"Let's go to your room," Ryan says, his voice thick with lust. He pulls himself off me, shuts off the water and grabs by hand as he steps out of the shower. I grab a towel with my free hand as he pulls me out of the bathroom and into my bedroom. I pat myself down with the towel as much as I can and when we step into the room, Ryan takes the towel from my hands and quickly swipes the towel over his body, drying himself off, before pushing me back onto my bed. I can barely see anything in the dark room beside the outline of his body as he crawls on top of me, putting his arms on either side of my head.

"I've been looking forward to this all day," he says, and his arousal is stamped all over his features - with his plump lips and his messy, wet hair and dark, dilated eyes. Just looking at him hoovering over me is enough to turn me on. He grinds his hips against mine and our cocks graze against each other in a delicious slide and I roll my head back into the mattress and moan loudly. He snakes his hand in between us and takes both of our cocks in his hand and slides his hand from the base to the tip in one quick motion and I buck my hips wildly against him.

"Ryan," I moan breathlessly as he works us both with his warm, long fingers.

Suddenly there's a loud knock on my front door and we both freeze in our current position, with Ryan's fist still wrapped around our erections. Ryan looks down at me and whispers, "Who's at the door?"

"I don't know," I say, trying to rack my brain but finding it impossible to think clearly while Ryan's hand is wrapped around my dick.

"Should you get the door or should we continue?" he asks, biting his lip as he looks down at me.

"Umm we should continue. I don't want to answer the door with a boner anyways," I say, smiling.

"Okay," Ryan agrees, as he firmly tugs on both of us again and my hips shoot off the bed at the contact.

"That feels so fucking good," I groan.

"It would feel even better if I was inside of you," Ryan whispers. Holy shit, I whimper as I get desperately hard for him.

There's a loud knock on my front door again and I hear Maggie yell: "JAKE!"

"Fuck," I curse jumping off the bed.

"What is it?" he asks.

"It's my fucking sister, put some clothes on," I run out of the bedroom and back into the bathroom frantically picking up Ryan's clothes off the floor and throwing them at him.

"Fuck," Ryan says as he stumbles across the bathroom trying to step into his pants. I'm rushing to my closet and throwing clothes on my body as fast as I can.

"Jake!" I hear Maggie slamming her fists against my front door impatiently.

"Just a second!" I yell from my bedroom, throwing a shirt over my head.

I step out into the main living space and Ryan is pacing back and forth, no doubt trying to wish his erection away. I was doing the same thing. I look through the peep hole and see Maggie and my two nieces. "Fuck," I say softly and turn to Ryan. "I forgot I told Maggie I would watch the girls tonight," I say and Ryan laughs.

"You're suck a fucking idiot," he laughs at me.

"I know, I'm so sorry. You don't have to stay," I apologize, but Ryan grabs both of my shoulders.

"It's okay Jake. There's no where I would rather be than right here with you," he says and my heart melts inside my chest.

"JAKE!!" Maggie yells and I snap back into reality and walk over to the door, finally swinging it open.

"Hey, sorry I totally forgot I said I would watch the girls," I say reaching out to hug Maggie.

"Obviously," she says bitterly and hugs me, and that's when she notices Ryan standing behind me.

"Hey Maggie," Ryan says, holding his arm up in a small wave.

"Hey Ryan," she says, smiling at him. "Long time no see."

"Hi girls," I say, hugging both of my nieces.

Maggie looks back and forth between me and Ryan with a confused expression on her face. I try to figure out why she's looking at us like that when I realize both of our hair is noticeably wet and she's probably noticing that. Fuck.

The girls run past me to hug Ryan and as Ryan greets the girls, Maggie squints her eyes at me accusingly.

"What?" I ask innocently and Maggie just grins secretively at me.

"I'll be back in a few hours. Have fun," she says winking at me.

I shake my head as she walks away, and I close the door.

"What do you girls want to do?" Ryan asks.

"Frozen!" Gloria, the younger one squeals.

"Frozen what?" Ryan asks and I laugh.

"Frozen the movie. What planet are you living on?" I tease and he rolls his eyes at me.

"I haven't seen that one yet," he tells Gloria and her mouth drops open in disbelief.

"Come on we have to watch it," she says, grabbing his hand and dragging him over to the couch. I put my arm around Ramona, my older niece and walk with her towards the couch as well. Gloria struggles with the DVD player so I help her put the movie on and then Gloria runs back to the couch, snuggling against Ryan.

"You smell good," Gloria says to Ryan and he laughs, surprised by her compliment and smiles widely.

"You smell good too," he says, putting his arm around her and sniffing her hair. "Like flowers."

She giggles as she looks up at Ryan and is completely distracted from the movie she begged us to put on minutes ago. I can't blame her, Ryan is very distracting with his charm and his smile. Gloria snuggles her head against Ryan's side, with her tiny hand resting on his chest. He places his large hand over her tiny hand and I admire how gentle he is with her, and how he seems larger than life sitting next to her. Ramona places a pillow on my lap and lays her head down on it, spreading her body across my couch.

I gently rub my fingers through Ramona's hair as the movie plays on and she falls asleep within the first thirty minutes of the movie. My eyes lock with Ryan's and he smiles at me. I mouth 'I'm sorry' and Ryan shakes his head dismissively. I'm glad he's not upset with me, especially knowing this is our last night together in a while since he's flying to New York tomorrow to promote his movie.

It's not long before Gloria and Ryan both end up falling asleep snuggled against each other and my heart constricts at the sight of them. I knew he was good with children, but I had no idea he was this good with children, and how well children react to Ryan and his charm. It has me thinking about a future with Ryan and what it would be like to start a family with him one day. I know I'm in way over my head and I'm falling in love with him so quickly, it scares me. But I can't help it. I want a future with him and something in the way his eyes glow when they look at me tells me he wants a future with me too.

Chapter Text


The rest of the week I am busy promoting my new movie in New York. I was on various different talk shows and went to a press conference in Manhattan. Now I am currently on the flight back home from New York and the movie premiere is tonight in Los Angeles. I would say I'm nervous but that's just not the case for me anymore. I've been in this business for so long now, I don't get nervous before huge events like movie premieres anymore. I'm surprised that I'm more nervous about seeing Jake than I am about the movie premiere. I'm nervous about Jake going to the premiere with me tonight and I'm nervous to see what he's going to think about the movie. I don't know what it is about Jake that makes me so nervous, I mean we've been best friends for years. But suddenly I'm really attracted to him and now my heart beats so fast when I'm around him I can hardly hear my own thoughts. I'm not sure where these feelings came from, but I love being around him and when he's not around I'm always thinking about him.

After the plane lands, I make my way through the airport, my security guard fighting off the aggressive paparazzi as I walk through. The paparazzi are yelling: "Ryan! Look this way! What's your new movie about? Are you going out with Emma Stone?" They always ask me if I'm dating Emma Stone or whoever my most recent co-star is. They are obsessed with trying to figure out who I'm dating, which is exactly why I don't want them to find out about Jake. Not only because I'm not ready to come out publicly as bi-sexual, but because both of us would get harassed by paparazzi even more than we already do. If I think the paparazzi is bad now, I don't even want to know what it would be like if Jake and I came out as a couple.

I find my drivers car and within minutes we are driving away from the airport. I ask him to take me to Jake's apartment, and he doesn't even have to ask me how to get there. I guess that just goes to show how often he's been taking me there recently. It doesn't raise suspicion with them though since Jake and I have been best friends for years now.

Finally, I pull up in front of Jake's building and tell my driver thank you, and I'll see him again in less an hour when he drives us to the premiere. As I step out of the car, I am bombarded with more paparazzi who start yelling "What are you doing here at Jake's building? You here to see Jake? Are you and Jake really good friends?" even though I am sure plenty of other people live in this building, and it is pretty well known in Hollywood that me and Jake are good friends. And yet, every single time I step foot into this building the paparazzi harass me with a million questions about my friendship with Jake.

Within minutes I'm in and out of the elevator and finally knocking on Jake's door. I'm excited and nervous because I haven't seen him in a couple of days. He pulls open his door and I take in his appearance - I notice he's already started getting ready for my premiere. His hair is damp and combed, and he has a white tank top on and black slacks. I'm also just now realizing that I probably should've showered and changed before I came here because I'm only in jeans, a v-neck, and my jacket with my backpack hanging loosely on my shoulders. "Hey," he smiles as I step into the apartment.

"Hey yourself," I say, as he closes the door behind him. "I missed you."

"I missed you too," he says, putting his hands in his pockets.

"You look nice," I say, pulling off my sunglasses and eyeing him up and down.

"I'm not even finished getting ready---" he starts but I cut him off with a kiss. I back him up against the door and bring my mouth over his and his hands find my shoulders. I open his mouth with my tongue and grip the back of his damp hair and he moans into my mouth. I move my lips from his mouth to his neck and nibble on his ear lobe. "God, I missed you," he says and I smile as I'm trailing my lips down his neck.

"I'm glad you decided to come tonight," I say.

"Of course I'm coming. It's your movie premiere, that's a huge fucking deal. I'm just happy you invited me," he says.

"It's not that big of a deal, we have movie premieres all the time," I say, pulling away from his neck and looking at him and he sighs.

"You know what I mean. It's a big deal to me that you want me there okay?" he says and I smile.

"I know what you mean," I say, and look back down at his lips.

"Come on, we have to finish getting ready. You can't keep distracting me," Jake says, gently pushing me off him and I groan.

"But we have almost an hour and I haven't seen you in days," I whine.

"Actually, you have less than an hour and you still have to shower and shave. Did you even bring your suit?" he asks.

"Fuck," I say, only now realizing that the suit I wanted to wear to the premiere is still at my apartment.

"It's okay, you can wear one of mine," Jake says. "We're about the same size, it'll be fine."

"Okay, thanks," I say. "Mind if I use your shower?" I ask and he laughs.

"It wouldn't be the first time," he winks at me and I'm reminded of earlier this week when I joined him in the shower. I think about the way the water streamed down his broad shoulders and his wide back. I think about him washing my body with his hands and nearly having sex with him in his bedroom before his sister interrupted. "No I don't mind if you use my shower," he says, snapping me out of my fantasy.

"Okay," I say setting down my backpack on the floor and pulling out my razor. At least I remembered to bring something. I hop into Jake's steaming shower and I lather myself up in his body wash. There's something extremely comforting about smelling like him for some reason. I love the scent of his shampoo and his body wash and now it's all over my skin.

Minutes later I hop out of the shower and stand in front of his mirror. I grab his after shave off the counter and lather my face with it. Nothing is more intoxicating than the smell of his after shave. I shave as quickly as I can before washing the soap off my face and combing my hair. I put my black boxer briefs on and step out into the hallway, searching for Jake. I find him in his bedroom pulling out different suits and laying them on his bed. He see's me and he stops in his tracks and eyes me up and down, his eyes lingering on my chest for a moment.

"Hey, I was just pulling out a couple different suits so you have some options," he says. "Feel free to try any of them on, they should fit," he says, his eyes still going back and forth between my eyes and my chest.

"That's so thoughtful of you," I say, stepping towards him. His black button down shirt is rolled up at the sleeves, and he looks fucking edible.

"Even though I'm pretty sure me and every female in the world would prefer that you didn't wear anything at all," he says, winking at me and I laugh. "Hurry up and decide before I jump your bones," Jake jokes and I look down at the mattress and hold up a really nice navy blue suit. "That one is really nice. Tom Ford. Fits me like a glove," he says and I bite my lips as I look over at him.

"I bet you look really fucking sexy in it," I say, sliding on a white button down shirt.

Jake blushes and starts hanging the other suits back in his closet. I pull the navy blue slacks up my legs and I'm surprised that they fit really well. I start buttoning up the collard shirt, then I pull the navy blue coat over my shoulders and it fits perfectly. The cuffs are a little short, but other than that, I'm genuinely surprised by how well it fits.

Jake smirks as he looks over at me. "Damn, that suit might look good on me, but it looks fucking spectacular on you," he says, covering his mouth with his hand.

"I'm surprised it fits so well," I say.

"I'm not," Jake says. "We're pretty much the same height so it's not that surprising."

"Fuck, do you have shoes I can borrow?" I ask, realizing I didn't bring any besides my shoes from the airport.

"Yeah hold on," Jake says, disappearing into his closet and walking back out with black leather shoes.

"What size shoe are you?" I ask.

"Ten and a half," Jake says. "What are you?"

"Ten," I say, sliding my foot into the shoe. It's a little big but it will work. "Ten and a half really?" I ask and he smirks.

"I may have slightly bigger feet than you but don't worry, we're pretty much even where it counts," he winks at me and my skin is on fire. He turns back to his closet and I slide the other shoe on my foot.

"I don't know Jake, your cock is pretty fucking huge," I say and he laughs loudly, the sound echoing in his closet.

"Have you seen yourself?" he asks, stepping towards me. "You have the biggest cock I've ever seen."

I stand up and now we're eye-to-eye, our faces inches apart. "Besides yours, you mean," I smirk and he slams his mouth against mine. I am taken off guard and I stumble backwards but he grabs my biceps forcibly, keeping me in place.

"Fuck," I gasp into his mouth and he grabs the back of my head and licks my bottom lip as he kisses me. His mouth tastes like fresh mint and his tongue drags over mine and I feel a stirring in my pants. "Jake," I warn him, not wanting to get too carried away knowing my driver will be here soon.

"I know, you just look so fucking sexy right now in my suit," he says and he turns his mouth to my neck. "And there's something oddly sexy about you smelling like me," he smirks and I can feel his beard scratching against my neck.

"Trust me I want this just as badly as you do, but I don't feel like walking the red carpet with an erection," I say and he pulls away, smiling.

"Okay, okay. I will just have to control myself until the after party," he says. He walks over to his bed and grabs his black coat and puts it on.

"Can you help me with my tie?" I ask, struggling with it.

"You can't put on a tie?" he asks.

"I can... I just suck at tying ties. Usually someone helps me with it," I admit and he grabs my tie and starts expertly tying it.

"That's the saddest thing I've ever hard," he teases. "How have you gone thirty five years without knowing how to tie a tie?" I watch his beautiful face as he concentrates on tying my tie.

"I'm totally joking, I can do it, but I just love that concentrated look on your face right now while you tie it. It's sexy as hell," I say and he scrunches his nose and finishes tying my tie, then he grabs his own tie and starts looping it around his neck.

"Well I'm happy to help you tie your ties. And lend you suits and shoes and my shower and my after shave," he jokes.

I reach for his hand as he's tying his tie and he looks at me with a confused look on his face. "Thank you Jake. I really appreciate all the help," I say as seriously as I can manage.

"It's fine, I was teasing. You can ask for my help any time. That's what boyfriends are for," he says and goes back to tying his tie. My mind does a double take when he says the word boyfriend. We've never used that word before to describe each other and I don't know why I'm startled by it. I guess that is what we are to each other. We are in a relationship and it's exclusive. I don't want him to date anybody else and I know I don't want to date anyone else. So why does the word boyfriend throw me off so much? Maybe it's because I never thought there would come a day when I would have a boyfriend, let alone want one.

Jake must notice my confusion because he steps toward me and asks me what's wrong. "Nothing," I say, my throat dry suddenly.

"Sorry maybe I shouldn't have said the word boyfriend. I had a feeling that might freak you out," he says. "But that's what we are right? That's what I want to be."

"Yes. Of course it's what we are," I say, "Sorry I don't mean to freak out. I just never thought I would refer to you using that word. It's new for me, that's all."

"It's okay," Jake says. "I never thought I'd get to use that word for you either. I have the hottest boyfriend on the god damn planet," he smirks and pinches my nose like I've done to him multiple times. My heart floods with happiness as I look into his sparkling blue eyes. He's so confident in himself and he knows exactly what he wants and he's everything I want to be.

A second later my phone is ringing and the moment is gone. I know it's my driver calling so I answer and tell him we are on the way down. Me and Jake give each other a once over, making sure nothing is out of place from all the kissing and then we are out the door and into the car. Jake and I decided that I would walk the red carpet and he would sneak in the back. We didn't want to deal with all the attention and he's never come to any of my premieres before, so we didn't want to raise suspicion. (Well, technically he came to my Blue Valentine premiere in 2010 but that doesn't count. He came for my co-star Michelle Williams who is one of his best friends and that was when I was still getting to know him. Like I said, doesn't count.)

I hop out of the car and make my way towards the bright, crazy red carpet. I find my co-star Emma Stone, and I loop my hand behind her back as cameras flash at us from every direction. I whisper in her ear that she looks beautiful and she thanks me. Emma and I have always been close and I honestly think of her like my little sister, I'm extremely protective of her and I adore her. I find my director and he pulls me in for a quick hug before we also take pictures. Then they try and get most of the cast together and we all take group photos on the red carpet, the camera lights blinding me. It would be overwhelming if I wasn't so used to it. The whole red carpet fiasco lasts another twenty minutes or so before I'm finally making my way into the theater.

I'm searching around the room and I see Jake sitting in the front next to an empty seat where they want the cast to be sitting. I make my way over to him and sit down next to him. He looks over at me and smiles in the dimly lit room. "All good?" he asks.

"Yeah," I say, giving his hand the quickest squeeze before pulling away. I rub my hands up and down my thighs.

"You seem nervous," Jake says.

"I'm not nervous. I mean.. I'm only kind of nervous," I admit.

"What are you so nervous about?" he asks.

"I'm just nervous to know what you'll think. I'm really proud of this movie, I think it's one of my best and I'm nervous to see your reaction to it," I say and his face falls.

"Ryan, you know I'm going to love it," he says reassuringly. "There is absolutely no need to be nervous."

"I know," I say, knowing I'm acting crazy.

"Besides, you and I tend to gravitate towards the same roles so of course I'm going to love all the movies you do. Remember how I was supposed to be in Half Nelson?" he asks and I roll my eyes.

"Yes I remember how you were going to be in Half Nelson," I say, because he's reminded me of this a million times. "And I ended up getting an Oscar nomination for it and you were all pissed." I say and we both laugh. This all happened long before we met.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm just saying I love all of your movies. I love them all so much that I wish I was in them too," he says.

"Well thank you," I say, just as Emma comes and finds her seat on the opposite side of me.

"Emma, this is my---" I say, pausing as I look at Jake trying to find a word. I almost said boyfriend out loud and now my mind is reeling.

"You must be Jake," she says, extending her hand across me and reaching for Jake who takes her hand in his.

"And you must be Emma," he says. "I've heard so much about you."

"As I have you," she says. "That's really nice of you to come out to support Ryan tonight. You're a great friend," she says and my throat feels dry. If only she knew just how much he means to me.

"Anything for this guy," Jake says, roughly grabbing my shoulder. Emma is smiling at him widely and I start to panic, thinking maybe she can tell that we like each other. I try to calm my nerves and tell myself I'm being ridiculous.

But then the lights in the room go completely dim and I stop thinking about it. As the opening credits begin, I take a deep breath and relax as I watch my new movie sitting next to my boyfriend.




After the movie is over, Jake can't stop praising me as we make our way to the after party. He's gushing and gushing over how incredible the movie is and how phenomenal I am in this role. I smirk at him and say thank you over and over and it feels so good. He's so genuine about it and I can tell he really loved it.

At the after party the lighting in the room is dim and the music is loud. There are tons of people already there, dancing and talking and drinking and I can't spot any familiar faces besides those of the crew. We make our way to the bar and get two drinks.

Jake raises his glass in salute. "To an incredible movie that stars an incredibly attractive lead actor," he says, whispering that last part to me. "I wish you nothing but success with this movie as I'm sure you will easily achieve and I am so fucking proud of you Ryan," he says and I mouth 'thank you' to him as our glasses clink. I throw the drink back, feeling the liquor burn the whole way down my throat.

"Thank you Jake, I really appreciate it," I say and he just smiles.

Just then Emma walks up behind Jake and wraps her arm around his neck. "So Jake what did you think?" she asks him.

"Oh it was great. You and Ryan were both amazing in it," he says, shifting awkwardly, clearly uncomfortable with her arm around him.

"Good, I'm glad you liked it," she says, eyeing him up and down and shamelessly checking him out. "I love this suit, is it Tom Ford?" she asks, her hands move to his bicep and she strokes his arm seductively.

Jake blushes and looks down, "Yeah it is Tom Ford, thank you," he says. After an awkward pause he asks "What are you drinking?" and she tells him. He turns to the bar to get her a drink and Emma looks over at me with wide eyes and a huge smile.

"Why didn't you introduce him to me sooner? He's hot as fuck," she says and my stomach flips and I feel bile rising in my throat.

"Uhh, I didn't think he was your type," I say, trying to stall and think of anything to prevent this conversation from happening.

"Not my type? Fucking bull shit," she says. "He's an actor, he has a great smile, beautiful eyes, and he has strong biceps I could feel them through his jacket," she whispers to me and I groan.

"Oh my god, you're acting ridiculous," I say, and she stares at me, a questioning look on her face.

"What's the big deal if I'm into Jake? He's not married is he?" she asks.

"No," I say, even though I want to tell her he's not single I can't because then I would have to admit he's dating me and we're not ready to discuss our relationship with other people.

"Are you jealous?" she asks, her eyes widening. Oh god. She is reading this completely wrong. She thinks I'm jealous of him.

"No, god," I say, scrunching my nose at the thought, but her smiles just gets wider.

"Oh my god you are so jealous," she says, as if she's putting all the pieces together now.

"Emma, no offense, you know I love you like a sister, but I am not jealous," I say, but she's still not convinced. I sigh and take a sip of my drink, trying to think of a way to get out of this situation.

"I'll tell you what, maybe we can have a three way," she says and I nearly spit my drink when she says the word three way. "Me, you and Jake, it would be so much fun."

"Are you fucking crazy?" I ask just as Jake walks up with her drink in his hand. He hands Emma her drink and is looking back and forth between us when he asks what's going on.

"I just suggested that maybe it would be fun for me, you and Ryan to have a three way," she says to Jake and his eyes go wide and he looks at me when she says it.

I stare back at him with a look he knows means I'm frustrated and he bites his lip. "I don't know, that might not be the best idea," Jake says, trying to let her down easy.

"Come on," she whines. "I've never had one before and I'm dying to know what Jake looks like under his suit," she says, stroking his bicep again and he laughs uncomfortably. I feel rage bubbling inside my chest and I feel like I want to hit something.

"Emma please," Jake says, gently putting his hand over hers and trying to peel it off him.

"I thought all male best friends had a fantasy of having a three way with a girl," she whines and I drown the rest of my drink. I can't stand this awkward situation anymore. "If not a three way, then maybe just us?" she shout-whispers into Jake's ear because the music is so loud, as if maybe I can't hear her. I feel heat traveling up my spine and my heart feels like it might burst.

"I'm going to wait in the car, have fun," I say to Jake, and I walk past him, towards the exit.

"Ryan wait," he calls over his shoulder but I keep walking to the car. I need to get out of this room or I'm going to explode. I'm not sure if I've ever felt jealousy like that in my life, and it sucks knowing I couldn't do a single thing about it in front of all those people. I never considered that my female friends would be attracted to Jake, but of course they would. Jake is sexy as fuck and I'm not the only one who notices. I just never imagined I would be put in such an awkward situation like this.

I climb into the back seat of the car and my driver asks where we are headed. I tell him Jake's apartment, but we're still waiting for Jake. I don't know why I'm suddenly panicking and feeling like maybe he will hook up with Emma. Emma is a beautiful and attractive woman and she is throwing herself at him so I wouldn't be completely surprised if he goes home with her. My mind is reeling and my heart is beating so fast with rage and jealousy I don't even hear the car door click open. Jake slides into the back seat beside me.

I look over at him, surprised to see him and he looks at me with a questioning look on his face. "Are you really that surprised that I'm here?" he asks. My driver rolls up the window that separates the front from the back seat to give us privacy and starts heading towards Jake's apartment.

"I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to fuck Emma, she was all over you," I say, my voice thick with jealousy.

"Ryan don't be crazy. I'm loyal to you. Do you really think I'm that shallow? That I'm just going to fuck someone because they are showing interest in me?" he asks, sounding upset.

"No," I admit. "I'm sorry, I'm not usually this insecure. I just don't understand the rules of dating a guy and I don't know how this works," I say and Jake laughs.

"There are no different rules to dating a guy, Ryan. It's the same rules that apply in any other relationship. Being faithful is the only thing that matters to me. I would never be unfaithful to you," he says, his eyes dancing across my face as he says this.

"Well I would never be unfaithful to you either. Cheating is for suckers," I say and he smiles.

"Good, so we have nothing to worry about," he says. "Trust me though, I know what you're feeling. You don't even notice the way women look at you anymore. It's like they are undressing you with their eyes."

"That's exactly how Emma was looking at you," I say.

"Well every fucking woman looks at you that way. I am the jealous type too you know," he says, then looks down at my lips. "Who can blame them though? I mean look at you," he says, looking me up and down before looking back into my eyes. "Freshly shaved, and wearing one of my suits. God, Ryan you're killing me," he says, reaching his hand to my face and brushing it against my cheek. A shiver runs down my spine and he brings that same hand down to my lap and gently slides it up and down my thigh. I feel my pants tightening around my crotch and Jake looks down at the erection forming in my slacks and smirks.

I grab his collar and pull his warm mouth onto mine and his eyes fly open and look towards the driver. "It' fine, he signed a contract. He can't talk to the tabloids," I say as I trail my lips down Jake's neck.

"I'm surprised you're not more paranoid about this," he says.

"It's because I want you so badly right now," I say, sucking on his neck.

"I can see that," he teases, eyeing my crotch.

"You're such a cocky fucker," I say and reach my hand in between Jake's legs and cup him over his slacks.

"Oh fuck," Jake says, taken off guard and his cock hardens under my hand. I rub my palm over the rough material of his pants and he archs his hips against my hands. "Are you sure we should be doing this now?" he asks under his breath.

"Are you asking me to stop?" I ask and he grunts. "That's what I thought," I say, grabbing the bottom of his black shirt and un-tucking it out of his pants. I slide my hand into his boxer briefs and wrap my fist around his hard cock and pump him once.

"Jesus fucking christ," he moans.

"Close your eyes, and rest your head against the seat," I say and he does, getting lost in how good it feels.

I pull his cock out of his pants so it's easier for me to pump him faster, and he's already leaking all over my hand, making it easier to slide my hand up and down. I swirl my thumb over his swollen head and then slide my fist all the way to the base and back to the tip in one quick motion. Jake's breathing is ragged and he keeps panting his hot breath against my ear which is only turning me on more.

"Ryan, will you please fuck me when we get back to my apartment?" he asks, with his eyes still closed. I look up at him, his face and his neck are flushed red with desire and his adam's apple is exposed as well as his long neck.

"There is nothing else in the world I'd rather do tonight," I whisper in his ear and he shivers beneath me. I continue to pump Jake and he presses his own hand down on top of mine, rocking his hips against my fist. I can tell he's getting close because his breath is coming out in short puffs.

"Ryan... I don't want to get come all over this car," he pants and I laugh.

"You won't," I say, bending my head down and taking him in my mouth.

"Fuck," Jake cries, and the contact from my warm mouth has him shaking, and seconds later he shoots into my mouth as he grips the back of my head firmly. He's struggling to catch his breath as we get close to his building. "You're so fucking good at giving blow jobs," he says, putting his hand over his chest and trying to slow his breathing.

"Just wait till I get you in bed," I say and his eyes glaze over with so much lust it takes my breath away. I see a crowd of paparazzi standing outside of his building and curse.

"Put your dick back in your pants, the paparazzi are outside of your building again," I say and Jake curses and fumbles to get his pants back on. I re-adjust my erection and fix my hair and slick Jake's hair back into place. As soon as we come to a stop, a million blinding flashes start going off and it's hard to see anything. I want to grab Jake's hand and lead the way but there is no way I can grab his hand with all these cameras here so instead we both climb out separately and wave to the cameras as we walk into Jake's building. All the paparazzi are yelling questions at Jake and I, asking if Jake was at my premiere, and what did he think of my new movie?

We walk into Jake's building temporarily blind as our eyes adjust from the blinding flashes of the cameras. After a few awkwardly horny minutes in the elevator, we finally make our way into Jake's apartment. I waste no time and as soon as Jake closes the door I slam him against the door and grab both sides of his face and bring my lips to his. I love the feel of his soft beard under my finger tips, and his warm mouth that tastes slightly like alcohol. He reaches in between us and palms my massive erection through my slacks and I growl with desire.

"I want you so bad Jake," I groan and he smirks against my lips.

Then I don't hear anything but the sound of our belts jingling and zippers being unzipped as we anxiously try and undress each other. He's unbuttoning the buttons on my collared shirt as I pull off my coat. "Where's the lube and condoms?" I ask.

"The bedisde table in my room," he says as he unbuttons his shirt.

"Don't move," I say, running into his room and grabbing everything I need before running back to where he's leaning against the door. He looks so fucking sexy with his shirt hanging open around his exposed chest and his pants open and hanging loosely on his hips. "Turn around," I tell him and he turns to face the door as I squirt some of the lube onto my fingers. I shove his pants down to expose his round ass and I bring two fingers to his crease and he hisses when I push my finger inside of him. "Feel okay?" I ask.

"Yeah, it's just been a while since I've done this," he says, noticeably breathing harder.

"Well I've never done this before so tell me if it hurts or if I do something wrong," I say and he laughs.

"You could never hurt me Ryan," he says, so I slide my fingers further in, and slide them in and out at a quicker pace. Jake puts both his arms up against the door and arches his body towards me. I slide my fingers all the way in and Jake moans loudly, "Right there, fuck. Oh fuck that feels good," he moans so loudly the sound echoes in the room and I feel my cock twitch in response.

"Do you want my cock Jake?" I ask, wanting to hear him say it.

He thrusts his lower body onto my fingers, craving more. "Yes, god. Yes," he says.

I hit the spot he likes one more time and he nearly cries out in pleasure. "Please Ryan. I'm dying, give me your cock," he says and my cock twicthes again with pleasure. God, I love his dirty mouth.

I pull my fingers out and slide a condom over my very slick dick and add as much lube as I think is necessary before positioning my head at his entrance. "Come on, give it to me," he commands.

"You're a greedy little fucker aren't you?" I tease and he groans. "Okay, okay relax," I say, grabbing my cock and slowly sliding it into his entrance. He is insanely tight and hot and I can barely slide the tip in. "Jake, relax for me. Let me all the way in," I say and he takes a deep breath and I push in a little farther.

"Jesus your cock is huge," he moans and I feel a shiver run down my spine from the praise. I'm slowly pulling in and out trying to savor the feeling but Jake is getting impatient and he keeps trying to push his ass against me, craving more friction. "Faster Ryan, I can't take this pace," he groans.

"I don't want to hurt you, I can't even slide it in all the way right now," I complain.

"I don't want you to be gentle with me. Unleash on me, I can take it," he says.

"Alright, but don't come crying to me about a sore ass tomorrow," I tease and he laughs.

"I will anyway because your cock is so huge but that's besides the point. Fuck me like you mean it," he groans. "Fuck me like you own this ass."

"I do own this ass," I say, grabbing his hips to steady myself and sliding in and out faster.

"Yes, you do so please fuck me as hard as you can," he says and something inside of me snaps. I unleash on him with everything I have, slamming into him so hard he slams against the door. I'm worried he's going to tell me I'm bring too rough but he doesn't and instead he throws his ass back against me with an equal amount of force. I'm not used to being this aggresive when I have sex with women, but I like that I can be as rough as I want with Jake (and he actually prefers the roughness.)

I use one hand to grip the back of his shirt and the other hand to slap his perfect ass hard, the sound echoing in the room. I drill my hips against his as fast and as hard as I can manage and he removes one of his hands from the door and brings it to his own erection. I watch as his hand flys up and down his cock and I'm hypnotized with ecstasy. I feel my balls throbbing and my toes curling and I know I'm close.

"I'm gonna.." Jake starts but I cut him off with my loud moan as I come so hard my body shakes violently against his. "Ugh fuck," Jake moans as he shoots jets of come on his chest and against the door and everywhere. I can't see anything but black dots dancing across my vision and my head is spinning and I can't breathe. I don't even remember the last time I came so hard.

I pull my cock out and we both slump against the door, completely exhausted. I grab some tissues off the counter next to the door and start wiping Jake's chest.

"You were right," Jake says. I give him a questoning look and he continues. "At the lake you said you would be the best sex I've ever had. You were right," he says and I stifle a laugh.

"I said that?" I ask.

"Yeah you were pretty drunk," he laughs. "But you were still right."

"You're the best sex I've ever had too Jake," I say and his smile reaches all the way to his groegous blue eyes. "I didn't realize I would enjoy sex that rough but I fucking loved it."

"Yeah it's the best," Jake agrees.

We are both physically exhausted but we stay up talking all night, slumped against the door. I'm not sure where my body starts and where his ends but we lay there in a tangled mess of limbs for hours, talking the night away. It's like we are best friends, only we are so much more. And now I can't ever imagine going back to being just his friend, now that I know what it's like to be his boyfriend. Because being his boyfriend is the greatest feeling in the world.

Chapter Text



Three months pass by at an incredibly slow rate. I had to leave Los Angeles for two months to film a movie on location in London. Ryan has been filming a movie in New York, and being in completely different countries and time zones has been rough. I call him as often as I can, but we’re always busy. We managed to FaceTime a couple of nights, and it was nice to see his beautiful face on my phone screen. We had phone sex for the first time after an awfully long day of shooting and re-shooting this sex scene many times in a row. I was so horny all day and I was in the middle of jerking myself off when Ryan called. I answered the phone and jerked off to the sound of his voice telling me what he’d do to me if he was here. It was fucking amazing. Then he got horny and jerked himself off and the moaning sounds he made through the phone got me hard again in seconds. It was pure bliss.

We finally wrapped up our movies around the same time in early November, just before Ryan’s birthday. Ryan decided for his birthday this year he wants to go camping, so I’m meeting him in New York and then we are driving to the north side of the state where there are some beautiful camp grounds. He picks me up at the airport and he looks fucking flawless, as usual. His hair is perfectly clipped as always, and he’s wearing a thick navy blue winter jacket. “I missed you,” he says, as I walk towards him. I wrap my arms around his body in a bear hug and the smell of his cologne hits me like a whip and I feel dizzy.

“God, I missed you so much,” I say, turning my head into his neck and his body stiffens and I remember we’re in public. Hugging is okay but rubbing my face against his neck probably isn’t appropriate.

I pull out of the hug and he smiles widely at me. “How was London?” he asks.

“It was great, I’m happy to be here back in the states though,” I say.

“I’m also happy to have you back in the states,” he says and we start walking towards his car.

“Happy birthday Ryan,” I say and he scrunches his nose. He’s always hated birthdays for some reason, ever since I’ve known him.

“Thanks,” he says, shrugging.

“I know you’re not a huge fan of birthdays and shit but this birthday is going to be special,” I say.

“It’s going to be special because I’m spending it with you,” he says, his eyes lighting up as he glances at me.

“I know but it’ll be special for other reasons too,” I say arching my eyebrows and licking my lips.

Ryan laughs softly as we round a corner and paparazzi suddenly swarm around us, the flashing lights completely blinding both of us. Ryan pulls his sunglasses from his jacket and slides them over his eyes, while I squint against the light, trying to ignore the mob of screaming people. They are all yelling at both of us: “JAKE! DID YOU FINISH FILMING YOUR MOVIE IN LONDON? ARE YOU CELEBRATING RYAN’S BIRTHDAY TOGETHER? RYAN! LOOK THIS WAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY RYAN! WHERE ARE YOU GUYS HEADED?” and a million other questions that makes my head throb.

We eventually push our way past the crowds and find Ryan’s car. I nearly trip over paparazzi trying to block my path and I politely ask them to back up as I climb into the passenger seat. “Jesus Christ, is it just me or are the paparazzi getting worse by the day,” I say as Ryan climbs into the driver’s seat and slams his door shut behind him.

“It’s because it’s both of us at the same time, it’s not usually this bad when I’m alone,” he says and he grimaces. “Which is another reason we have to keep our relationship private. If we think this is bad, I don’t even want to know how crazy the paparazzi will be if they find out we’re a couple,” he says as he starts the car and starts backing up.

I know he’s right but it still sucks that we can’t just be together and we must consider our public image and our careers and how this might change things for us. I just want to be with him and never worry about who’s watching.

“Are you okay?” he asks and I realize I’ve been quiet and staring out the window, lost in thought for a couple of minutes.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” I say. “I just hope one day things are different for us.”

“Maybe one day they will be,” he says and we continue our drive to the campgrounds in silence. I fall asleep after fifteen minutes and by the time Ryan wakes me up, hours have passed and we are already at the campgrounds.

“Fuck, did I sleep the entire time?” I ask, blinking rapidly, letting my eyes adjust to the brightness of the afternoon sun.

“Yeah, you did. Snored a little too,” he teases as he parks the car.

“I did not!” I say and he smirks at me. “I’m sorry, I’m so jet lagged from being in London and I didn’t sleep at all on the plane,” I start to say and he stops me.
“It’s fine Jake,” he says. “I’m glad you got your sleep now because you won’t be getting any tonight,” he says, winking and stepping out of the car. I smile to myself, loving that Ryan is so comfortable with the dirty talk. Nothing turns me on more than the sound of Ryan’s voice and when he talks dirty he’s impossible to resist.

I hop out of the car and walk towards the trunk where Ryan packed the tent, a cooler, and our backpacks. I help him set up the tent (and by help, I mean mostly supervise.) I haven’t set up a tent in years and I struggle trying to figure it out but Ryan puts it together effortlessly within minutes. He teases me about being such a “city boy” and says I should try and get a fire started instead.

I attempt to get a fire started but I can’t even manage to do that before Ryan is done setting up the tent and walks over to help me start the fire. “I’m so fucking useless, this is just pathetic,” I say, frustrated and throw down the sticks I was holding.

“It’s okay, I can do it. Stop getting so frustrated it’s adorable,” he says and smirks as he looks up at me from the ground where he’s sitting on his knees, trying to start the fire. If anyone’s fucking adorable right now, it’s him. He focuses on what he’s doing and I go and grab the rest of our shit from the car and set everything up in the tent, with the sleeping bags and all that shit. It’s the least I could do.

The sun is starting to set as we pull up plastic chairs around the camp fire and Ryan grabs the frozen hot dogs and two beers out of the cooler. We put the hot dogs on sticks and roast them over the fire, and eat them so quickly we burn our tongues. The beer tastes so refreshing and it feels so great to finally be alone with him out in the middle of the trees.

“Camping like this reminds me of when I used to go camping as a kid,” Ryan says, before sipping his beer.

“Camping in Canada? What was that like?” I ask, curiously.

“It was the best. Me and my Dad used to go hunting sometimes. I never liked shooting the animals though. It was what we fought about actually because he would tell me to ‘be a man’ and just shoot the damn thing already. As if I’m supposed to know how to ‘be a man’ at nine years old. I don’t even know how to be a man now,” he says, thoughtfully.

“Society’s idea of being a man doesn’t have to be your idea of being a man. I think every man struggles with trying to figure that out,” I say.

“Yeah I guess. I miss being a kid sometimes. Everything was simpler back then. Back when me and my Dad’s relationship was civil and not so awkward,” he says, sighing and taking another sip of his beer.

“Is it really that bad now?” I ask, curiously. He rarely ever talks about his family.

“Yeah, we rarely ever speak now,” he says, with sadness in his voice. “I don’t even remember the last time I talked to him, to be honest. It’s been at least two years,” he says.

“Why not just call him?” I ask.

“Our relationship is so strained. He just has these ideas of what he wants me to be and I don’t fit his fantasy. And I’m the only one who ever calls him out on his shit, like his laziness and his drug problems. He doesn’t ever take anything seriously, and he acts like a fucking child sometimes. It was fun when I was a kid but now he’s impossible to deal with as an adult,” he says, rubbing his hands over his face.

“I’m sorry Ryan,” I say and he bites his lip and looks up at the stars. I don’t want him getting upset on his birthday so I quickly change the subject. “It’s fucking freezing out here.”

“Yeah, well now that the sun’s gone down it’s fucking cold,” he agrees. “Good thing I brought whiskey to warm us up.”

“You did?” I ask, excited. He pulls a bottle of whiskey out of his backpack and we both take turns sipping it. I blow hot air into my hands and rub my fingers together, desperately trying to warm up.

“Are you really that cold?” Ryan asks, eyeballing me as he takes another sip of the whiskey.

“Sometimes you forget that I’m from California, Ryan. I’m not used to weather below seventy degrees,” I say and he laughs so hard it startles me. The sound of his laughter makes me start laughing, and he’s clutching his stomach from laughing so hard. I’m shivering and laughing and my teeth are chattering.

“Do you remember… last year when we were smoking weed… on your balcony and we accidentally locked ourselves out?” Ryan asks taking breaks to laugh in between his words, he can hardly catch his breath.

“Yeah I do,” I say, smiling at the memory. It was last October at my apartment in California and we were sitting on my balcony smoking weed, wearing nothing but sweatpants and I accidentally locked the sliding glass door. I started panicking thinking we were going to freeze to death and Ryan was laughing so hard he couldn’t breathe. He said it was impossible to freeze to death in 68 degrees, but I panicked anyway. Two hours later my next-door neighbor stepped out onto her balcony and Ryan flirted with her for ten minutes before she agreed to let us hop onto her balcony and get back into my apartment.

“You were such a fucking idiot accidentally locking us outside,” he’s laughing so hard he’s wheezing.

“I was high what do you expect?” I ask, laughing now too. I feel the whiskey and the beer hitting my nearly empty stomach. My head is spinning and I feel so buzzed. I take another long sip of the whiskey, feeling the warmth all the way down to my stomach.

Ryan is leaning back holding his stomach and he falls out of his chair from laughing so hard. I bust up laughing at the sight of it, and then I tumble out of my chair, landing on the cold ground. We are both laying on our backs laughing so hard we can’t breathe. I turn on my stomach and push myself up to my knees and crawl over to him. He’s laughing so hard there’s tears streaming down his cheeks and he’s flat on his back with his hand resting on his chest. I crawl on top of him and bend down and kiss his salty tears, and his laughing stops as I drag my tongue down his neck. His breath catches in his throat as I lick and nibble on his warm neck and he groans into my shoulder: “Tent Jake, now.”



Jake’s eyes glaze over with lust as I say this and within seconds we are both scrambling to get up and get into the tent as quickly as possible. Once we are both inside, I lay on my back and glance up at him, admiring how fucking attractive he is in his thick green winter coat and dark-wash blue jeans. He’s rocking a perfect five o’clock shadow and his cheeks are rosy from the alcohol and I can tell by his movements that he’s a little drunk and fuck, so am I. I feel a slight buzzing in my head and in my chest and I feel great.

Jake crouches down and throws his legs on either side of me, then lowers himself to sit on top of me. He uses both his hands to grab my jacket to steady himself as he expertly starts grinding his hips against mine. My breath catches in my throat at the contact and I can feel his cock go rigid against his jeans as he roughly grinds his hips over mine. Within seconds I’m so hard for him it’s painful and I’m desperately trying to grind back against him, craving more friction.

“What does the birthday boy want?” he asks, biting his lips as he looks down at me.

“You,” I moan, reaching for his belt buckle and unfastening it and dragging his zipper down.

Jake laughs a throaty laugh that sends a shiver down my spine. “That’s not exactly what I meant. Do you want to give or do you want to receive?” he asks, arching his eyebrows. The most innocent, adorable expression crosses his face and I want him so badly I can feel the desire bubbling inside my chest.

“Give it to me Jake,” I say, which surprises him judging by the look on his face.

He reaches for my jeans and quickly gets my zipper undone and my pants down with a few effortless tugs. I reach for his waist to help him with his pants but he grabs my wrist. “No,” he says, placing my wrists over my head. He reaches back into his backpack and pulls out lube, condoms, and what looks like a black rope.

“What’s that?” I ask, my head nodding towards the rope.

“Is this okay?” he asks, holding up the rope and for a second I’m not sure what he’s asking. “I won’t tie it that tight,” he says, grabbing both of my wrists and wrapping the rope around them, restraining me.

“I’ve never been restrained before in bed,” I say.

“Really? Never?” he asks, surprised.

“I’ve always been the one to restrain someone else,” I admit.

“You’re going to fucking love it. I promise,” he says, kissing my palms as he places my knotted wrists over my head. I should feel nervous but I trust Jake with my life.
He sticks the bottle of lube between his teeth and uses both of his hands to slowly pull my boxer briefs down and my cock springs out between us, demanding attention. “Christ Ryan, look at you,” he says, grabbing the bottle out of his mouth and studying every inch of my body.

“Touch me Jake, please” I beg and Jake smirks.

He bends his head down in between us and takes my cock in his mouth and I let out a shuddering moan. I roll my head back against the sleeping bag and his warm mouth feels incredible as it slides up and down my cock. Jake pulls his mouth off me and I glance down at him, and see him squeezing the lube onto his fingers. His cold fingers slide against my crease and I shiver.

“Relax for me, Ryan,” Jake says, using his other hand to stroke my cock.

I moan softly as he slides his two fingers inside. He works his fingers slowly, allowing me to get used to the feeling. Not having the use of my hands is exciting and sexually frustrating at the same time. I want to run my fingers through his thick hair and feel the muscles in his back, but I can’t.

Jake finally hits that one spot and my body trembles beneath him. “Feel good?” he asks, smiling.

“Ugh.. Yes. God,” I spit out as he slams his fingers back inside, hitting that spot again. My cock is bobbing up against his jacket and the lack of friction is driving me crazy. I try to move my hands to touch myself and remember I can’t. “Please touch my cock Jake, I’m dying,” I moan.

Jake laughs quietly to himself before bringing his warm hand to my leaking cock and sliding his fist up and down my length. I cry out in pleasure and my entire body shakes.

“Fuck me Jake, I’m not going to last much longer,” I groan and Jake licks his lips as he’s staring down at me, his eyes hungry.

“Your wish is my command,” he says, quickly pushing his jeans and briefs down his legs and his huge cock juts out between us. My eyes widen and I can’t take my eyes off his cock. “You see something you like?” he smirks, stroking his cock and I blush. The need to touch him is immense.

He grabs my hips and positions himself over me, sliding his cock roughly over mine and he lets out the sexiest moan I’ve ever heard. He grabs both of us in his hand and jerks us both as he grinds his hips over me and the sensation is fucking incredible. “You like that Ryan?” he asks, and I groan and nod my head.

He pulls away suddenly and I struggle to catch my breath as I watch him tear open a condom with his teeth and roll it over his length, then he applies the lube all over the latex. He’s so fucking sexy and he knows exactly what he’s doing and exactly what I like. Jake holds the tip of his cock as he positions himself at my entrance and I’m in complete awe over how attractive he is.

“Ready?” he asks, his glassy eyes looking down and meeting mine.

I nod my head and he slides the tip inside of me and I instinctively clench my thighs, still not used to the feeling of being fucked. I take a deep breath and try to relax, knowing Jake isn’t going to be able to get any deeper if I keep clenching.

Jake snakes his hand in between us and cups my balls roughly and the sensation is so unexpected I moan loudly and he slides his cock further inside of me. “Fuck,” Jake moans, blindly reaching down with his hand and grabbing my jacket to steady himself.

He begins pounding his hips against mine and my cock is throbbing and dripping all over my chest. “Fuck, Jake,” I moan, my wrists desperately tugging at the ropes.
As if he’s reading my mind, he reaches between us and gropes my slippery cock as he’s fucking me. I gasp and feel a sensory overload as he’s tugging on me while hitting that sweet spot that makes me squirm in pleasure. My breathing is shallow and coming out in short puffs and he knows that I’m close so he slows his jerking motion down, and slides his hips in and out at a much slower pace.

“You fucking bastard,” I say and he laughs. He loves teasing me.

“I’ll pick up the speed, but only because it’s your birthday,” he says, having mercy on me and jerking me off quicker. His hand is flying up and down my cock and I feel his cock buried deep inside of me and I can’t put off my orgasm any longer.

“Jesus Christ,” I moan so loudly I surprise myself as I shudder in release, shooting streams of come all over my chest and Jake’s hand.

“Fuck,” Jake moans as he comes seconds later, his whole body shaking as he collapses on top of me. “God damn Ryan, you are so fucking sexy it kills me.”

“I am?” I ask, shocked. “You’re the one who just fucked my damn brains out. Fuck Jake, that was incredible,” I say, still trying to catch my breath.

“I had a feeling you might enjoy being tied up,” he says, pushing himself up so he can untie the ropes.

“I enjoyed that a lot more than I care to admit,” I say and Jake laughs again, the sound filling the tent and warming my chest. He kisses both of my wrists gently where there are little red marks and I’m amazed at how rough and how gentle he can be with me.

“Was it a good birthday?” he asks, his puppy dog eyes staring down at me as he throws the rope across the tent by his backpack.

“Are you kidding me?” I ask, pulling him down for a sloppy kiss. I run my fingers through his soft hair and lick his bottom lip as I kiss him. “This has been the best birthday ever.”

Chapter Text



I asked Ryan if he would like to spend Thanksgiving with my family and I this year. He has never joined us for Thanksgiving before, even though I’ve offered many times in the past, but this year is different. He’s my boyfriend now. Not that my family knows, but I want to spend the holidays with him. My family knows Ryan is my best friend and I plan to keep it that way. Ryan was hesitant to come at first but I told him I insist, especially since he wouldn’t be spending it with his family in Canada, because they celebrate Thanksgiving on a different day.

Ryan seems nervous as we drive to Maggie’s house. “Calm down, it’s going to be fine. My family loves you,” I assure him.

“I know but it’s different now, don’t you think? I know they don’t know we are a thing but I feel more obligated to impress them now,” he says.

“You do impress them. You always have. No need to be nervous,” I say. We come to a red stoplight and I squeeze his hand quickly, reassuring him everything will be fine. I think it’s sweet that he’s nervous about impressing my family.

Minutes later we pull up outside of Maggie’s house. Ryan steps out of the car and straightens his red plaid shirt, and pushes his clipped blonde hair back. He looks fucking adorable when he’s nervous and he knows I’m about to comment on it by the look on my face when he mumbles: “Shut the fuck up Jake,” under his breath.

Maggie swings open the door and pulls me into an embrace. “Hey Jake,” she says in my ear and I greet her back. “Ryan, long time no see,” she says, holding her arms out to hug hum.

“Hi Maggie, you look beautiful as always,” he says, pulling her into a tight hug. Just like every other female on the planet, my sister is easily charmed by Ryan.

“Thank you,” she blushes slightly and Ramona and Gloria come running around the corner screaming my name.

“Hey girls,” I say as Gloria jumps into my arms.

“Happy Thanksgiving Uncle Jake,” she squeaks with her cute little girly voice and my heart constricts. My nieces are precious and I’m so fucking lucky. “Ryan!” she screeches when she sees him standing next to Maggie.

“Hi Gloria,” Ryan says, reaching to hug her. He scoops her up in his arms and she wraps her legs around his chest and lays her head on his shoulder.

“Happy Thanksgiving sweetie,” my Mom walks into the room and kisses me on the cheek.

“Thanks Mom,” I say. “You remember Ryan?”

“Of course,” she says, leaning in to kiss Ryan’s cheek. “How’s your Mother Ryan?”

“She’s great, thank you for having me today Mrs. Gyllenhaal,” he says.

“Oh, please sweetheart, call me Naomi,” she insists.

My Father walks around the corner from the kitchen and awkwardly pats my shoulder when he walks past me. I immediately stiffen when his hand is on me. He doesn’t acknowledge Ryan as he walks past me toward the bathroom. Typical bull shit from my Father not to acknowledge our guests.

Gloria clings to Ryan as we take our seats around the dinner table. “Thank you for cooking Mom, everything looks great,” I say, my mouth watering over the turkey and mashed potatoes and yams.

“Gloria, Ryan needs to eat, come here honey,” Maggie says sweetly but Gloria pouts.

“Can I sit on his lap Momma? Please?” she begs and I resist the urge to make a joke about me wanting to sit on his lap instead.

“No sweetie, maybe after we’re finished eating okay?” Maggie says and Gloria slides off Ryan and plops down in a seat next to him. She can’t stop staring up at him as we start digging into our food. I can’t blame her, he’s fucking gorgeous and he looks edible when he’s wearing plaid.

“So, Ryan you had a pretty successful movie come out a few months ago, didn’t you?” my Mom starts grilling him with questions.

“I guess you could say that,” he says, humbly.

“Come on Ryan, yes it was a huge success,” I say, smiling at him. “He was great in it, as always. Why haven’t you guys seen it yet?” I ask.

“I haven’t had the time Jake,” my Mom says and I feel bad. I know she’s busy with work all the time.

“How has work been going? Okay?” Ryan asks my Mom.

“Oh, it’s great, I enjoy always having something to do,” my Mom says, stabbing into a piece of turkey.

“That’s good. Everything tastes amazing by the way, thank you Naomi,” Ryan says kindly.

“Of course, honey,” my Mom smiles widely, loving his manors. “I wish you would come by more often. It’s been so long since I’ve seen you.”

“I know, I’m sorry about that. I’ve been pretty busy too with work,” he says.

“I want to see you more too!” Gloria squeals from her chair and Ryan laughs and kisses the top of her head.

“What about you Stephen? Keeping busy?” Ryan asks my Dad and I nervously glance at my Dad. My Dad isn’t a people person and he’s not friendly and the tension is so thick every time he’s in the room.

“Please call me Mr. Gyllenhaal,” he says and Ryan apologizes and glances back down at his food and I feel anger bubbling inside my chest. I can tolerate my Dad being a dick to me but I will not tolerate him acting like a dick towards Ryan.

“Yes, I’ve been busy. Have you been hanging out with Jake a lot lately?” my Dad asks Ryan and I feel my spine stiffen. Every question feels like a trap.

“Yeah as often as we can. It’s difficult trying to find time to hang out when our schedules are so crazy,” Ryan says, taking a sip of his wine glass.

“Are you seeing anyone Ryan?” my Dad asks, and his curiosity is starting to make me feel uneasy, like he knows something that we don’t want him to.

“Not currently, no,” he says, his eyes glancing over at me for a second before glancing back down at his food.

“Why is that?” my Dad asks.

“Like I said I’ve been pretty busy. I don’t have time for a serious relationship right now,” he says without breaking my dad’s intense stare.

“Is it true that you grew up in a trailer park?” my Dad asks, and his bluntness embarrasses me.

“Dad come on,” I say but Ryan waves me off.

“Yeah, I grew up in a trailer park, in Canada,” he says, wiping his mouth with a napkin.

“Canada,” my Dad says this with such disgust in his tone it takes everything in me not to reach across the table and strangle him. Ryan glances over at me and I mouth ‘I’m sorry’ but he just shakes his head like it’s not a big deal.

“Canada is really nice this time of year, with snow all over the ground. It’s a bit colder than Los Angeles, but you might like it,” Ryan says, and I admire the fact that he’s really trying with my Dad.

My Dad actually laughs bitterly when Ryan says he might like Canada. I don’t know what on earth makes my Dad think this kind of behavior is okay but I feel like I’m going to explode.

“Stephen,” my Mom says, also embarrassed by his behavior.

“Jesus Christ I’m just asking a few questions Naomi,” my Dad starts fuming, getting unreasonably mad. “Is it true that you didn’t graduate high school?” he asks and I slam my fists on the table.

“Dad!” I yell, and both of my niece’s flinch and I immediately feel bad.

“Jake, it’s fine,” Ryan says.

“No, it’s not fine,” I say.

“Yeah, it’s true I didn’t graduate high school, it’s not that big of a deal,” Ryan says.

“I don’t care if you didn’t graduate high school, my Dad is being a fucking asshole and it’s not okay,” I say.

“Jake,” Maggie bugs her eyes out at me and glance at my nieces. “Language.”

“Sorry but this is bull shit,” I say and my Dad aggressively pushes his chair back, the sound of it scratching across the floor hurting my ears. He grabs his beer bottle and walks to the back door, slamming the screen door shut angrily. The awkward tension in the room is so thick it’s hard to breathe.

“Ryan I’m sorry,” I say and he just shakes his head like it’s not a big deal. “Hey,” I say reaching for his hand instinctively and squeezing it. He looks up at me with a warning in his eyes and I immediately pull my hand away, but my Mom and Maggie both look down at our connected hands for that split second and I feel nauseous. I’m not ready to have this conversation with my family yet.

“Please excuse me, I’m going to use the restroom,” Ryan stands awkwardly and excuses himself from the table. The awkward silence that fills the room after Ryan leaves the room is unbearable.

“Jake,” Maggie starts but I stand before she can question me. I know my Mom and my sister just witnessed me trying to comfort Ryan in a more than friendly way but I don’t want to deal with this right now.

I walk towards the bathroom and tap on the door. “Ryan, are you okay? I’m sorry about my Dad,” I say and he swings the door open. He looks like he just splashed water on his face, and he’s patting a towel on his jawline.

“Do they know?” he asks and for a second I’m confused. “Your Mom and your sister? Do they know about us now?” he asks, and the fear is obvious in his voice and on his face.

“Who cares if they know? It’s just my Mom and my sister,” I say, but he looks like he’s going to be sick. “Ryan come on, I’m sorry about holding your hand for a split second but you were upset and I needed to comfort you. I didn’t even think about it,” I say.

“I know you didn’t think about it, you did it right in front of them!” he says, leaning back against the sink and running his fingers through his hair.

“I don’t understand why you’re getting so upset, it’s not that big of a deal,” I say.

“Did your family know about you and Heath?” he asks and I’m completely thrown off guard at the mention of Heath’s name.

“No, they didn’t know but what does that have to do with anything?” I ask.

“Because they don’t know you’re bisexual Jake. It’s not like I’m just the next person you’re dating; to them it’s the first guy they’ve ever seen you with. How do we know they are going to be okay with it?” he asks, looking more nervous by the minute.

“Ryan, my Mom and my sister are open minded people, I’m positive they wouldn’t care, and even if they did I don’t care what they think,” I say, reaching for his cheek but he flinches when I touch him. It breaks my heart that he’s so afraid of being judged. “Besides if anyone will get judged it will be me, not you,” I assure him. “There’s no need to be afraid.”

“I don’t feel like getting kicked out on Thanksgiving, that’s all,” he says.

“They wouldn’t throw you out, Jesus. You watch too many movies. My family isn’t like that,” I say, laughing a little.

“Your Dad might be like that,” he says.

“Fuck my Dad. He’s been an asshole all night, he has no right to judge us,” I say but the fear is still in Ryan’s eyes. I want to wrap my arms around him and hug him as tightly as I can but I feel like at this moment he wouldn’t let me. “Let’s go back out there, they don’t know anything yet as far as I know, and my Mom and my sister wouldn’t push us to talk about it if they can tell we don’t want to.”

“Okay,” Ryan says, taking a deep breath.

I walk back into the kitchen and Maggie glances up at me with worry in her eyes as I find my seat at the table. “Ryan, pick me up!” Gloria runs to Ryan’s side and I’m grateful for her distraction.

“Gloria you’re so heavy,” he teases, lifting her slowly as if it’s a struggle for him. She giggles and grips his biceps.

My Mom stands and starts clearing plates and I offer to help but she tells me no and insists that I sit. Maggie is eyeballing me from across the table and I am avoiding her stare like my life depends on it. Gloria begs Ryan to go upstairs so she can show her his room and he agrees, nodding in my direction before walking up the stairs holding Gloria’s tiny hand.

“Jake,” Maggie says and I finally meet her stare. She is hiding back a smirk and I can feel my heart beat in my ears. She nods her head in the direction of the living room and I follow her out of the kitchen, away from my nosy parents. “What’s going on with you and Ryan?” she whispers.

“Nothing,” I try to say casually but I can’t help but grin.

“Oh my god,” she says, her eyes widening. “I’m so fucking jealous.”

“Maggie,” I teasingly warn her.

“Are you fucking Ryan?” she asks and I gasp and laugh nervously.

“Are you serious Maggie?” I ask.

“Is he fucking you?” she asks and my eyes nearly bug out of my head.

“Oh my god,” I cover my face with my hands, embarrassed.

“Holy shit I knew it. When I came by your apartment to drop off the girls and you both had wet hair, I fucking knew it. You fucked him in the shower, didn’t you?” she asks, her eyes going wide with curiosity.

“Maggie, Jesus Christ please stop,” I laugh.

“Well you’re not denying it so…” she stares at me until I finally feel confident enough to look her in the eyes. “I’m happy for you.”

“Thank you,” I say, nodding my head.

“Even though I’m really fucking jealous. I mean Ryan Gosling? Damn,” she says, fanning herself with her hand.

“He’s pretty fucking great,” I say, blushing a little.

“I never thought I’d have to compete against you for male attention,” she jokes.

“You don’t,” I say. “I only want his attention.”

She smiles at me and her eyes get glassy. “I’m proud of you and I’m happy for you and we can talk more about this later okay?” she says, squeezing my shoulder.

“Okay,” I say, relieved. I knew Maggie would take this well but I never imagined her being excited for me.

Minutes later and Ryan is walking back down the stairs still holding Gloria’s hand with Ramona riding on his shoulders. Damn, my nieces really can’t keep their hands off him. Maggie knowingly smirks at Ryan as he rounds the corner and spots us and he looks back and forth between Maggie and I, a confused adorable expression on his face.

“Everything okay?” my Mom walks up behind me and hugs me from behind.

“Everything is fine Mom,” I say, tuning and pulling her into a hug. “Dinner was great Mom, thank you.”

“Anything for my babies,” she says. She glances up at me and whispers: “Are you okay Jake?”

“Yeah Mom, I’m okay,” I say and she nods her head like that’s all she needed to hear and squeezes me tightly. My Mom is incredibly sweet and caring and she knows not to push (even though I have no doubt she’s going to force my sister to gossip about whatever she discovered later tonight.)

“We should probably get going,” I say and Ryan and I say our goodbyes to my Mom and my sister and the girls. Maggie has to physically pull Gloria off of Ryan as we make our way to the front door. My Dad is still sitting on the back porch sipping his beer without a care in the world, but I decided I no longer give a fuck and I’m not going to play nice with him just because it’s Thanksgiving.

“Bye, love you!” I wave my goodbyes to them as Ryan and I step into my car and make our way back to my apartment.

“That wasn’t so bad,” I say and Ryan laughs.

“I’m guessing Maggie knows?” he asks and I nod my head.

“Maggie is really happy for us,” I say and Ryan raises his eyebrows.

“Really?” he asks, surprised.

“Yeah, and she said she’s really jealous,” I say and Ryan laughs and my chest floods with relief. He’s okay with this. My sister knows we are together and everything is right in the world.




Hours later and I’m just getting out of the shower when I walk into my living room and see Ryan passed out on the couch in front of the tv. The light from the tv glows across his bare chest and he holds the remote limply in one hand and his other hand rests gently on his chest. He looks so fucking precious when he’s sleeping and I can feel my heart in my throat. I slowly crawl on top of him, not wanting to wake him but wanting to snuggle.

He stirs a little as I lay my head against his chest, and I breathe in his scent that has become so familiar to me now. “Your hair is wet, it’s cold,” he complains softly, absently running his fingers through my damp hair.

“Move in with me Ryan,” I say suddenly. I didn’t realize I wanted this until now but now that I’ve said it out loud I realize I want it more than anything.

“What? You know we can’t do that,” Ryan says. “The press would have a fucking field day,” he says.

“It would make sense for us though, you’re here all the time. We rarely ever sleep apart unless we are filming or out on the road, but we’re always staying at each other’s places, we should just move in together,” I say.

“Jake, don’t be ridiculous. We’re in a secret relationship, we can’t move in together,” he says and for some reason my heart feels a little broken. I know he’s right. Of course we can’t move in together.

“You’re right,” I say, in defeat. I start to stand up but Ryan grabs my wrist.

“Jake come on, I’m sorry. You know I wish things were different for us,” he says and the light in his eyes has my heart soaring.

“I know. I do too,” I say, loosening his grip on my wrist and turning towards my bedroom. I don’t know why the reality of our situation is suddenly hitting me now. I just want to be able to do normal relationship things with him without worrying about the press and the media and our families.

As I’m walking back to my room, Ryan grabs my shoulders and slams me into the wall next to my room. My back hits the wall with a hard thud and I’m taken off guard when Ryan’s warm mouth covers mine with such urgency it takes my breath away.

He pushes his tongue into my mouth and snakes his hand in between us, roughly palming my cock through my sweatpants. I groan into his mouth and grip his hair as his tongue tangles with mine and I get harder against his hand. I want him with every fiber in my being and the need to make him happy is so overwhelming it makes me nervous that I’m getting so attached.

I slide my hand in between us and dip my hand inside his sweatpants and stroke his long erection. Ryan audibly moans and rocks his hips against me. I slide my fist up and down his cock as fast as I can and Ryan keeps one hand on my shoulder and one hand on the center of my chest. I wonder if he can feel how fast my heart is beating.

I squeeze the tip of his cock gently before sliding my fist back down to the base. Ryan’s subconsciously thrusting his hips against my hand and pinching his eyes closed in pleasure. His cock slides quickly in between my tight grip and I can hear his breathing getting ragged.

“Jesus Christ,” he rasps and his thrusting becomes unsteady and I can tell he’s close.

“Not yet,” I say, pumping him slower. “Put your hands against the wall.”

He slaps his hands on the wall on either side of my head and struggles to breathe normally. I sink down to my knees and pull his ass close to me and take the tip of his cock in my mouth.

“Oh God,” he moans, a shudder racking his body as he thrusts his hips into my mouth. I wrap my lips around his cock and slide it down my throat as far as I can manage and Ryan pants loudly and removes his hand from the wall and grips the back of my neck.

“Jake if you don’t stop…” he warns me but I want him to, so I pull his ass close to me and cup his balls roughly. “Fuck,” he curses as his body trembles above me, losing himself in his orgasm. I lick him clean and then lean back against the wall, looking up at the sight above me, a naked Ryan Gosling out of breath and leaning against the wall, looking down at me.

“Fucking hell Jake,” Ryan says. “Is it going to be this great with you every time?” he asks, teasing.

“Yes, yes it will be,” I say, smirking. My erection is starting to become painful when Ryan’s cell phone rings. I look up at him but he doesn’t move.

“It’s probably nothing,” he says, looking down at me, still panting. “Besides, I’m busy,” he says, pulling me up and pushing me back into my room. I smirk as I lay down on the bed and he crawls on top of me. He pushes down my sweats and my erection springs out in between us and he gropes me roughly.

“Fucking hell,” I groan and he slides his warm hand up and down my cock.

Ryan’s phone continues to ring three more times and he’s trying to ignore it but I can tell it’s bothering him. “Go check it, maybe it’s important,” I say, even though I desperately want him to continue what he’s doing.

“No it’s fine,” he says as the buzzing sound of his phone finally stops. He slowly starts stroking my cock again when his phone goes off again and he sighs loudly, getting annoyed.

“Ryan it’s okay, go check your phone,” I say and he climbs off me and walks back into the living room. I pull up my sweats and stand in the doorway of my room, watching him. He checks the collar ID and looks up at me with worry in his eyes.

“Fuck, it’s my Mom,” he says. “Why would she be calling at two in the morning?” he asks.

I shrug nervously and he answers the phone.

“Mom, what? Slow down I can’t….. What? Oh god. Okay, I love you. I’ll be there as soon as I can,” he says and he hangs up the phone. He glances over at me and his face is so pale he looks like he’s seen a ghost.

“What’s wrong?” I ask, concerned.

“My Dad died,” he says.

Chapter Text



Ryan looks pale as we get off the airplane. He hasn’t said much since early this morning when we found out his Father passed away. We booked a flight as soon as possible and now it’s late afternoon on the Friday after Thanksgiving and the airport is impossibly crowded. He said he didn’t need me to come but he looks completely broken and there’s no way I was going to let him deal with this alone. I insisted I was coming and that was that. We boarded a plane to Canada a couple hours ago, and now here we are. Even though I’ve been friends with Ryan for years, I’ve never been to his hometown in Canada. He’s always been very private about his family.

We pull up in front of his Mom’s house and she opens the door as we are walking up and pulls Ryan into a tight embrace, cradling his head. She looks at me over Ryan’s shoulder as she hugs him and she looks surprised to see me. I guess he forgot to mention to her that I was coming.

“Hi Donna,” I say, holding out my arms for a hug after she’s finished hugging Ryan. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

“Thank you, Jake,” she says, wrapping her arms around me. “I wasn’t expecting you to be here for this.”

“I’m sorry, I just couldn’t let Ryan go through this alone. I’m his best friend and I want to be here for him,” I say, as a way of explaining myself.

“I understand. Thank you, you’re a good friend,” she says, and we both make our way into the house.

We find out his Dad went into cardiac arrest after he got high. His Dad was only 58 and he died before he even made it to the hospital. Ryan looks pale the entire time his Mom is explaining what happened to us and my heart hurts for him. I know he was never particularly fond of his Father but I can’t imagine what he’s going through right now. She mentions that she’s planning for the funeral that will be held in a few days and she would like Ryan to speak at the funeral. Ryan doesn’t say anything the entire time she talks, he’s just staring off into space like he can’t believe this is real.

After the long talk with his mother we are both exhausted and I’m laying blankets on the couch in the basement. I can hear muffled conversation coming from the kitchen, where Ryan is saying goodnight to his Mom, but I can’t make out any specific words. I move a little closer to the staircase as I’m putting on a pillow case and I hear his Mom ask: “does Jake really need to be here for this?” I feel my chest tighten and my heart beat quicken. She doesn’t want me here. I hear Ryan start to argue with her and tell her he needs me here and she says this is a family time and he should be spending more time with his family right now, and Ryan argues that I’m his best friend and he needs me around right now. He tells her to stop being selfish and consider what he needs. My heart constricts at the idea of Ryan needing me. I want to wrap my arms around him and never let go.

I hear footsteps walking towards the basement so I quickly walk back over to the couch and try to act casual as I lay down on all the blankets I laid out. Ryan walks down the stairs, wearing grey sweatpants and a black polo shirt and somehow manages to look so fucking sexy without even trying.

“Did you hear any of that?” he asks innocently as he sits on the end of the couch by my feet.

“Hear any of what?” I ask, feigning ignorance.

“Don’t bull shit a bull shitter Jake,” he says, smirking.

“Do you think I should leave? I just wanted to be here for you because I can’t imagine what you’re going through and I thought...”

“Of course, I want you here,” he says, cutting me off. “My Mom is just acting crazy.”

“Are you sure? I know you should be with your family right now and I don’t want to interfere with that or intrude,” I say.

“Jake I need you here. Please don’t leave,” he says, his eyes glassy.

“I won’t. I promise, I won’t,” I say, reaching down and placing my hand over his. It’s the smallest gesture I can show him with his Mom upstairs.

“I’m sorry you have to sleep on the couch,” he says.

“It’s completely okay. Are you okay Ryan? You haven’t said much all day, I’m worried about you,” I say, and he looks away, unable to meet my stare.

“I’m fine Jake,” he says, matter-of-factly.

“Ryan it’s okay to not be okay. Your Dad just died, nobody is expecting you to be okay. It’s okay to cry if you need to. I’m here for you,” I say but he still won’t look at me and he just keeps shaking his head back and forth. “Ryan,” I start to say but he stands up and sighs heavily, running his fingers through his hair.

“I’m fine Jake. Have a good sleep okay?” he says, as he walks towards the stair case.

“Ryan,” I say, but he keeps walking up the stairs until he is out of sight. I sigh and feel a heaviness in my chest. I should have known he would be this way. He hates showing any emotion ever, it makes him uncomfortable. But damn it his Dad just died and I know it’s killing him and it’s killing me that he won’t talk to me about it. Maybe he just needs time. If we weren’t in his Mom’s house right now I would run up the stairs and hold him in my arms all night but that’s just not the way things are for us right now. It makes me sad to think about.


The next day everything feels the same. Ryan and his Mom have awkward conversations where she mostly cries and he says absolutely nothing. I almost feel sorry for her, but I know Ryan just genuinely doesn’t know what to say. He holds her as she cries and I awkwardly watch them and I feel like I’m invading their privacy, but Ryan looks at me over his Mom’s shoulder as he hugs her and lets me know he wants me there.

After dinner that night his Mom lets us know that Ryan’s sister Mandy and her husband are flying out tonight and will be landing early tomorrow. I’ve only met Ryan’s sister once and it was a long time ago so I’m slightly nervous.

Ryan and I are down in the basement watching a movie without really paying attention and his Mom is upstairs cleaning the house repeatedly even though it’s spotless. I think she just needs something to keep her busy.

I keep glancing at Ryan but he’s staring at the TV with such focus and I know he’s avoiding my stare. “Ryan, please talk to me,” I say, but he still watches the TV without changing his facial expression as if he didn’t even hear me. “Ryan come on, I know you’re hurting right now and I know you need to talk about it, please,” I say, but he still won’t look at me.

I stand and walk over to the TV and shut it off and Ryan looks up at me with anger in his eyes. “What the fuck Jake?” he asks, his hand gesturing towards the TV.

“Would you just talk to me for the love of god? Stop shutting me out. You always shut me out whenever you’re going through some serious shit Ryan, just stop and let me in,” I say and his face crumbles.

“I… can’t,” he says, but he can’t finish his sentence before his entire body shakes in a desperate sob.

“Ryan, shhh it’s okay,” I say, crouching beside the couch and pulling his head into my shoulder, holding him as he cries.

“I… feel… awful,” he says, in between huge gulps of air as he tries to catch his breath. I run my fingers through his hair and kiss his forehead as he hiccups while he weeps. “I don’t even remember the last thing I said to him Jake. But it was probably something terrible, oh god,” he says, shuddering and losing it even more.

“It’s okay, your relationship with him was complicated. It was never your fault,” I say, kissing the top of his ears and tightening my embrace around his head, pulling him closer to my chest.

“I can’t… I can’t breathe,” Ryan says, panicking. He starts hiccuping and his breathing is shallow.

“It’s okay, try to calm down you’re probably having a panic attack,” I say.

His breathing becomes even more infrequent and he has this panicked look in his eyes. “Jake… I can’t…,” he places his hands on both of my shoulders and struggles to catch his breath.

“You’re okay, you’re okay,” I remind him. “Put your head down in between your legs,” I say but he starts shaking his head. “Ryan just put your head down, you’ll feel much better I promise.”

He finally agrees and he bends down letting his head hang between his legs as he hiccups and tears are streaming down his cheeks rapidly. I place my hand on his back, right over his spine and I can feel how tight the muscles in his back are clenched.

“Focus on my hand on your back, and don’t think about anything else. Just count to ten and try to take deep breaths,” I say and his body is still trembling slightly as he tries to catch his breath. “It’s okay Ryan. You’re okay,” I say as I keep my hand firmly placed on his back.

“I’m sorry,” Ryan slips out as he’s starting to catch his breath.

“Don’t be sorry Ryan. I’m sorry I forced you to talk about it and you clearly weren’t ready. I’m so sorry,” I say and I hear him quietly crying to himself.

“It’s not your fault. My Dad is dead and I’m just trying to figure out how to deal with it,” he says and I nod my head.

“I know, and I’m here to help you deal with it,” I say and he finally looks up at me, his eyes red from the tears.

“Do you feel a little better?” I ask and he nods his head a little even though his eyes still look so sad. “Do you want to lay down?” I ask and he nods and lays down on the couch. “Oh, I meant… Well I could go upstairs and sleep in the living room if you want.”

“Don’t leave me right now,” Ryan says, reaching for my arm and pulling me towards him. The look in his eyes is so desperate that my heart feels like it drops into my stomach. The need to comfort him is impossibly strong and I am no longer thinking rationally.

“Okay, I won’t,” I say, crawling beside him on the couch. He scoots to the side and I lay on my back next to him, and he flips over onto his stomach and lays on top of me, his head resting on my chest. “Are you sure this is okay?” I ask him, knowing his Mom is upstairs and could walk down at any minute.

“I don’t care anymore,” he says, snuggling his head into my chest and desperately clutching at both of my sides. My heart flip flops inside of my chest and I smile, wrapping my arms around him and inhaling his intoxicating scent. He means everything to me. Absolutely everything.




The next morning, we are eating breakfast waiting for Ryan’s sister to come. We both fell asleep intertwined on the couch without a care in the world if anyone walked in and it was one of the best feelings in the world. Ryan’s Mom keeps eyeing me and Ryan as we are eating, and she is looking back and forth between us curiously, as if she knows something. It wouldn’t surprise me if she walked in and saw us at some point during the night but she’s too embarrassed to talk about it with us.

Ryan’s sister Mandy finally arrives and relieves some of the awkward tension in the room. Mandy hugs both Ryan and her Mom, tears streaming down her face as she does and I walk up to her. “Hi Mandy, it’s nice to see you again,” I say, pulling her into a hug.

“Hi Jake, I’m sorry we’re seeing each other under such terrible circumstances,” she says, pouting a little and she rubs my back as she hugs me. She reminds me a lot of my older sister Maggie.

Mandy and her husband are finally settling in and Ryan offers to help carry their bags into the guest room and then it’s just me and Ryan’s Mom in the kitchen and the tension in the room is so thick I could cut it with a knife.

“Thank you for the breakfast Donna, everything tastes great,” I say and she narrows her eyes at me.

“Don’t think I don’t know what’s going on between you and my son,” she says, completely taking me off guard. I almost spit my drink when she says it.

“Excuse me?” I ask.

“Oh, don’t act all innocent. I saw you snugging with him on the couch last night, and I know you two are more than just friends,” she says, but it’ the way she says it that bothers me.

“Is there a problem with that?” I ask, nervously.

“Ryan’s Dad would not have approved,” she says and stares back down at her food. I stare at her in disbelief for a second.

“With all due respect, Ryan’s Dad isn’t here to judge us,” I say and she glares at me, her mouth hanging open in shock. “I’m more curious to know what you think about it,” I say.

She laughs bitterly before going back to eating her food. She doesn’t say anything else and she won’t look me in the eye. Gee, I wonder where Ryan gets it from. “Donna, I care a lot about your son,” I start to say but she cuts me off.

“I can’t do this right now,” she says, dropping her fork and pinching her eyebrows. “Not with Ryan’s Father dying a couple days ago, I can’t deal with this too,” she says, frustrated.

She says this like the idea of Ryan and I together is just as terrible as his Father dying. I try to hide my hurt expression, but fail to. Not that she would care anyway if she hurt my feelings.

I’m about to say something when Ryan and his sister walk back into the kitchen and I bite my tongue and decide we’ll pick up this conversation later.



On the morning of the funeral, I help Ryan tie his tie. He’s always sucked at tying his own ties and I usually tease him about it but today I tie it for him and I don’t tease him about it. His eyes are swollen red because he’s been crying so much in the last couple of days and his hair is disheveled. Just by looking at him you can tell he’s been through a lot of pain recently and it breaks my heart.

The sky is cloudy and the grass is muddy as we stand in a circle around his Father’s coffin and watch as they lower him into the ground. It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around the concept of death and it makes me feel nauseous thinking of all the bodies buried at this cemetery. It also reminds me of Heath and how he’s buried in the ground and the idea of his body rotting six feet underground makes my stomach turn.

After the funeral service, there is a small gathering at Donna’s house with mostly just family and friends. Ryan’s eyes are still red even though he hasn’t cried since the night before. I think it’s safe to say he’s gone completely numb by this point. Hours into the gathering, Ryan and I are sitting on the couch in the front room when Ryan hears a familiar voice in the kitchen with his Mom, and he perks his head up, with a confused look on his face.

“What’s wrong?” I ask.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” he says, looking panicked.

Just as he says this, Rachel McAdams, Ryan’s first love and famous ex, comes walking in to the room, his Mom following behind her.

“Hey Ryan,” she says when she’s close enough to us and Ryan stands immediately. “I’m sorry I missed the ceremony but I had to be here today. I can’t believe Thomas is gone,” she says, her face crumbling and a tear streaming down her face.

“Me neither,” he says, looking concerned and confused all at the same time. I glance over at Donna and she is smiling and looking back and forth between Ryan and Rachel with admiration. I can feel my stomach turning. This is what she wants. She wants Ryan to be with Rachel and not me. I get a bad feeling that she invited Rachel here to try to split us up.

“I’m sorry to just show up like this, but I couldn’t miss your Dad’s funeral, after everything,” she says, wiping her eyes.

“Of course, thank you for coming,” Ryan says, stepping toward her and pulling her into a hug. I know this moment isn’t about me but I can’t help the sharp pain I’m feeling inside of my chest seeing Ryan being friendly with his ex. Not just any ex. Rachel fucking McAdams. His wildly passionate first love. He used to tell me stories about how it took him years to get over her and how he doesn’t know if he could ever love another person as much as he loved her.

He steps out of the hug and glances back at me and I try to smile reassuringly at him, but I feel so insecure and awkward. “Rachel, this is Jake, my best friend,” he says, putting his hand on my shoulder. The word ‘best friend’ cuts me like a knife. I know we aren’t telling people we are a thing, but the fact that he seems like he especially doesn’t want her to know about us is getting under my skin.

“Hi Jake, I’ve heard so much about you,” she says, reaching for a hug.

“Hi, I’ve heard a lot about you too,” I say, wrapping my arms around her in a tight embrace. I look over her shoulder at Ryan while I hug her and he looks confused.

“Do you guys want to go downstairs? I’m feeling a little claustrophobic up here,” Ryan says and Rachel nods immediately.

Rachel and I follow Ryan down the basement steps and I already feel like this is a bad idea. I feel like the third wheel somehow with my boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend. And I can’t read his emotions. I can’t tell if he’s happy that Rachel’s here or if he’s just as annoyed as I am. Surely, he can see his Mom only invited her here to cause problems for us. Rachel sits on the couch and Ryan walks over to the cabinet on the side wall and starts digging for something. I awkwardly sit on the opposite side of the couch as Rachel.

A minute later Ryan walks back to the couch and sits in between us holding a lighter and a joint. “Sorry but I need this right now,” he says, lighting the joint and inhaling deeply.

“I think we could all use it right now,” Rachel jokes and I awkwardly stare back and forth between them as Ryan passes the joint to her and she takes a puff. “Doesn’t this remind you of the good old days? Me and you smoking weed late at night and talking about our future? God, it feels like it was just yesterday,” she says, reminiscing.

I know she doesn’t know that me and Ryan are together and she doesn’t realize how awkward this is but I feel my ears burning and jealousy burning in my chest. Rachel passes me the joint and I hurriedly take a puff, desperately wanting the weed to cloud my memory of this conversation.

“It does feel like it was only yesterday,” Ryan says, looking over at me, and there’s a look in his eyes I don’t recognize. For a split-second I think he’s trying to give me the signal to leave and let them be alone and I feel my heart sinking in my chest. “Rachel, there’s something you should know,” he says and my eyes nearly bug out, not expecting this.

“What’s wrong?” she asks, concerned.

“Nothing’s wrong, it’s just… I don’t want you to get the wrong idea and…” Ryan pauses and looks over at me. Holy shit, my heart is beating so fast. He’s going to tell her.

“Ryan, what’s going on?” she asks.

“Jake and I are together. I mean… He’s more than just my best friend. He’s my boyfriend,” he says and the look on her face has got to be one of the greatest reaction faces I’ve ever seen. Her mouth is hanging open slightly and she has this wide-eyed look of shock and she’s looking back and forth between Ryan and I so fast as if she’s trying to imagine what we would even be like together.

“Are you fucking with me?” she asks. “Ryan if you don’t want to re-connect with me and try and see if there’s something still here between us that’s fine, but don’t tell me lies. I can handle a simple rejection,” she says, frustrated.

“I’m not lying,” he says, reaching for my hand. My heart is beating so fast as his warm hand covers mine.

She’s looking back and forth between us, trying to figure out if we’re being serious, and she’s staring down at our interlocked hands as if she’s never seen anyone hold hands before.

“Ryan, you can’t be serious,” she says, in complete disbelief.

“What do I have to fuck him right here for you to believe me? Why is this so hard for you to understand?” he asks, getting upset.

“Jesus Christ, no I just don’t understand. You’re straight,” she says.

“Maybe not. I didn’t think it was possible for me to be attracted to a guy either but I am, and I’m being honest for the first time in my life,” Ryan says.

“Oh my god,” Rachel says.

“I would appreciate it if you didn’t judge me right now. I don’t need it from you too,” Ryan says, puffing on the joint again.

“I’m not judging you I’m just trying to wrap my mind around the fact that my first love is gay,” she says.

“I’m not gay, Jesus. Haven’t you ever heard of liking men and women?” he asks.

“Okay but Jake? Seriously?” she asks and I pinch my eyebrows and narrow my eyes at her.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Yes, Jake. Look at him. He’s fucking sexy and he’s my best friend and he’s always there for me, how could I not fall for him?” he asks, and hearing him defend me has me feeling like I’m floating.

“How long has this been going on?” she asks.

“A few months, not that it’s any of your business,” Ryan says, puffing on the joint again.

“Well, I’m happy you’re happy,” she says, even though it doesn’t sound genuine when she says it.

“Thank you,” Ryan says, passing me the joint.

“I never would’ve seen this coming in a million years,” she said. “Ryan dating a guy, holy shit.”

“Can you please stop saying it like that? Like it’s a bad thing?” he asks.

“I’m not, I’m just processing. Does your Mom know?” she asks.

“Probably. Why do you think she invited you? She’s trying to split us up,” Ryan says and Rachel’s mouth drops open in shock.

“Oh, so that’s the only reason I was invited tonight? Great,” she says, grabbing her purse and standing up.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that,” Ryan says and she walks to the bottom of the stairs and stops.

“Well Ryan, I truly hope you’re happy. From the bottom of my heart, really,” she says, sounding genuine for the first time all night.

“Thank you,” he says and she disappears up the stairs.

“Holy shit,” I say and he sighs dramatically.

“I’m sorry, I should’ve asked you first if it was okay to tell her,” he says.

“Are you kidding? I’m so happy you did. Thank you for defending me,” I say.

“She had no right to say that. She doesn’t even know you. She has no idea what she’s talking about,” he says, rubbing his hands over his eyes.

“Well, thank you. I still appreciate it. And I know it’s a really big deal that you told her, and I’m honored. That’s all I’m trying to say,” I say, and Ryan finally looks up to meet my eyes but he doesn’t say anything. “Being your boyfriend is the greatest honor in the world.”

His smile reaches his eyes for the first time in days. He leans into my side, resting his head on my shoulder and we spend the rest of the night smoking the rest of the joint.

Chapter Text



“Jesus Christ Jake,” Ryan grunts as he thrusts into me. His large hands are gripping my hips so tightly as he slams his hips roughly against mine. I cry out as he hits that spot that makes my entire body shiver. I feel him everywhere. In my heart, on my hips, all the way down to my toes.

I feel his hand slide down my back and move to my stomach, his fingers brush over my happy trail, and my breath hitches as his hand finds the base of my cock and strokes it. He pumps my cock to the rhythm of his hips and I feel like all my nerve endings are on fire. “Ry, I’m gonna come,” I moan, and thrust my hips back against him. He removes his hand from my hip and slides it all the way up my back until it’s resting on the back of my neck. His other hand is still pumping my cock at a mind-numbing speed.

“Come on Jake,” Ryan groans, and his raspy voice sends fucking chills down my spine. Ryan glides his hand down my back, feeling all the tiny goosebumps he just gave me I’m sure.

“Fuck,” I moan, coming in Ryan’s hand and all over my bed. Ryan follows shortly after me, cursing and shaking as he comes, fingers flexed as he grips my hips to steady himself on the mattress.

The last week has been kind of rough. We flew back to Los Angeles the day after the funeral, and he hasn’t really been the same since. I obviously understand why, I mean his Dad just died and I don’t expect him to be happy all the time. But I worry about Ryan. He makes me nervous sometimes. The day we landed in California, he found his “old stash” of cocaine in his apartment and he insisted I snort it with him. I told him I didn’t want to, I have never done any drug besides smoking weed every now and then, and I didn’t think it was a good idea for him to do that either. I know in Ryan’s past he had somewhat of a drug problem and I don’t want him falling back into bad habits with the death of his Dad and everything. I said I wouldn’t do it with him but he did it anyway, and I watched as he started acting crazy. I’ve never seen him under the influence of cocaine (at least I don’t think I have), and I didn’t like what I saw. He either becomes extremely hyper and aggressive and acts like a crazy person or he gets insanely depressed (even more than normal) and both extremes really scare me. I asked him not to use it anymore but he claims he’s got it “under control” and he’s not addicted anymore. I don’t know much about his drug addiction from when he was younger but I know it was hard for him to quit and get his life back to normal. Maybe I’m just not being as vocal about my concern as I should be.

Ryan flops down beside me on the mattress and peels off the condom he’s wearing, tossing it in the trash can beside my bed. “How are you feeling?” I ask him.

“I feel great,” he smirks, stretching his arms over his head and bringing them together behind his neck.

“Did you get high today?” I ask and he sighs.

“No, I didn’t get high today,” he says, with irritation in his voice.

“Don’t lie to me,” I say and he rolls onto his stomach, groaning.

“Would you please stop lecturing me all the time? Just get off my back,” he mumbles into the pillow.

“I’m sorry I fucking care. I don’t think it’s good for you to be doing that shit all the time,” I say.

“I’m not doing it all the time, only occasionally. I’ve got in under control,” he says.

“Yeah right, how many times have you gotten high since we’ve been back from Canada?” I say.

“I don’t know Jesus Christ stop questioning me,” he says, raising his voice.

"I’m just worried that’s all,” I say and the room is painfully silent after.

After a few minutes, I can hear his steady breathing getting slower and slower and before I know it he’s asleep. I sigh, looking at him all innocently curled up against his pillow, his broad back glowing in the moonlight shining in from the window. I don’t want to fight with him, but I don’t want him to have a drug problem either. I don’t know what to do.


A week passes by and I haven’t seen Ryan since the night we fought. I had to fly to New York to do some promotion for a movie I have coming out soon, and I’m so ready to finally be home. I swing by our favorite Chinese takeout place on the way home and hope that Ryan’s hungry.

I walk through my front door and don’t see Ryan in the front room or the kitchen. “Ry,” I yell. “I got food.”

I hear a rustling noise coming from my bedroom and Ryan walks out, shirtless and only wearing his black boxer briefs. I feel my pulse speed up at the sight of him, he fills out a pair of underwear like you wouldn’t believe.

“Hey, did I wake you?” I ask and he sits on a stool at the island in my kitchen, and rubs his hands over his face, yawning. I notice he has a five o’clock shadow, which is rare for him. He says he hates how prickly his face feels when he has facial hair. I guess he’s been too lazy to shave this week.

“I had a late night” he says, reaching into the plastic bag and pulling out a box of noodles.

“It’s six o’clock at night,” I say, glancing at the watch on my wrist.

“Are you judging me right now? Is that what’s happening?” he asks, grumpy and digging into the noodles with a plastic fork.

“No, I’m not judging you. What were you doing last night?” I ask, even though I’m scared to know.

“I couldn’t sleep, that’s all,” he says, averting my eyes and sniffling. The lighting is really dim in here but even from across the table I can see how red and blood shot his eyes are.

“Are you high right now?” I ask, and he groans loudly.

“For fucks sake, seriously?” he asks.

“Your eyes are red as hell and you keep sniffing with your nose, so yeah seriously,” I say and Ryan picks up his box of noodles and walks over to the couch. He turns on the TV and ignores me and I’m feeling more than irritated with him. “Ryan, come on,” I say, walking over to him and standing in front of the TV.

“Will you please just leave me alone?” he asks, his eyes burning with anger.

“Will you please just talk to me and tell me what’s wrong instead of just turning to fucking drugs? I’m here for you Ryan,” I say.

“I don’t want to fucking talk about it. My Dad’s fucking dead and I don’t know how to deal with it and I know it shouldn’t be a big deal because we weren’t exactly close but now I feel like I’ll never be able to make things right with him and it makes me want to vomit every time I think about it,” he says, spitting out the words as fast as he can.

“It’s okay to feel that way Ryan, it’s expected. You just lost your Dad. I just want you to talk to me about it instead of pushing me away and shutting me out,” I say, reaching forward to grab his hand but he jerks his hand away and continues digging into his box of noodles with his fork. I try to hide the pain he’s causing me but I guess I don’t do it very well.

“Stop looking at me like that,” he says.

“Like what?” I ask, my voice quiet. I don’t trust myself to speak any louder.

“Like you’re sorry for me. I can’t do this right now,” he says, standing and walking into my bedroom. I’m about to follow him when he walks out holding a tiny plastic bag with white powder.

“Ryan come on, Jesus, don’t do drugs right now,” I say but he’s already spooning some of it out and snorting it up his nose. “Ryan, stop.” I walk up behind him and attempt to take the bag from his hands but he jerks it away and spins around, shoving me out of his way and walking towards my bedroom.

I sigh as he slams my bedroom door. I can feel my ears burning because of how pissed I am. He’s snorting fucking cocaine in my apartment like it’s no big deal after I told him not to. I feel like my stomach is in knots and I remind myself to breathe. Ryan and I have never fought like this before and it’s scaring me. I decide to hop into the shower to try and calm down, because there’s no way I’m ready to face him right now.

Five minutes later and I’m toweling off in the bathroom. I wrap the towel around my waist and walk into my bedroom. The only light in the room is from the moonlight streaming in through the window, and I look at Ryan who’s lying in my bed in the dark. I can’t tell if he’s sleeping or not, but I walk over to my dresser, and drop my towel as I slip on a clean pair of boxer briefs.

I crawl onto my side of the bed and Ryan shifts on the mattress and exhales loudly. I turn my back to him and lay on my side, with one arm tucked under the pillow. I feel his warm hand slide on my hip as he pulls his body flush against mine. His hand travels up my bare back and I can feel his hard erection pressing firmly into my lower back. “Jake,” he wheezes. “You smell good.”

“Great,” I say, my voice thick with sarcasm.

“Jake, come on don’t be like that,” he says, rubbing my shoulders. He brushes his fingers up and down my bicep slowly and goosebumps spread across my whole body. He fucking knows that turns me on and even when I’m mad at him my body still wants him. He gently rocks his hips and his erection rubs against my ass and my breath catches in my throat. He snakes his hand around my waist and brushes his fingers over my hard on and I gasp at the unexpectedness of it. He smirks after I gasp and he whispers: “I knew you were hard.”

“Ryan, stop,” I say, turning toward him, but he turns me on my back and sits up on his knees, hovering over me, and staring down at me with this wild look in his eyes. He bends his head down and flicks his tongue over my nipple, as he rocks his hips over mine, his bulge rubbing against mine through our boxer briefs. My hips snap off the bed at the contact and I thrust against him, desire coursing through me.

“Please Jake,” he says, pushing down his briefs and groping his cock. He strokes his cock feverishly as he stares down at me, his glassy blue eyes burning a hole through me. I’m not even sure what he’s asking me to do. “Turn around,” he says, his voice raspy with need.

“Ryan,” I warn him, letting him know I’m still angry with him.

“Please,” he begs, and reaches into the bedside table and pulls out a bottle of lube. He starts rubbing it up and down his cock and the sight has my mouth watering, and I feel my cock twitch in my briefs. My body is a fucking traitor. He looks down at me and smirks, knowing how he affects me. In one swift movement, he pulls down my briefs and rubs his hand up and down my cock and I grab both of his biceps and bite my lip to hold back a moan. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction. I know he can tell how much he affects me though, it’s all over his face. He’s so fucking smug. I want to punch him in the face and take him deep inside me at the same time.

I lift myself off the mattress so I can turn around and Ryan aggressively grabs my hips and flips me over. He jams his lube-covered finger inside of me and my body jolts at his roughness. “Easy, Ryan,” I warn him but he’s so zeroed in on fucking that he sticks another finger in and ignores me. “Ahhh,” I exhale, biting my lip from the tightness. This is why I don’t like to have sex with him when he’s high on cocaine. He becomes more aggressive than usual and stops listening to me. I become his sex object instead of his boyfriend and I feel like I’m being used. His fingers hit my prostate and I nearly cry out in pleasure and pain, but my mind and my body are telling me two different things. “Ryan stop,” I say and he ignores me again, thrusting his fingers in and out at a faster pace and grunting.

He brings his cock to my entrance and barely pushes inside and I clench my muscles, denying him access. “Let me in Jake,” he says with irritation in his voice, trying again to thrust inside of me.

“I said stop,” I say, trying to turn around but he keeps a firm grip on my hips and my back, keeping me in place.

“Don’t do this now Jake. Come on, I know you want it too,” he says, reaching in between my legs and stroking my erection. My brain feels cloudy and his touch is electrifying but I can’t do this with him right now.

“Not now, not like this. Not when you’re high,” I say, and I try to move again but he still holds me in place, his fingernails digging into my skin. His grip is so tight on my hips now it’s almost painful.

“Please, I’ll be gentle I promise,” he says and now I’m getting pissed.

“I said no get off,” I say, attempting to flip over but his grip is so tight, so I forcefully flip myself around and I accidentally knee him in the stomach while trying to do so. He grunts and grabs his stomach, crawling to the edge of the bed and making a gagging sound. “Fuck, I’m sorry,” I say, reaching for him but he swats my hand away.

“Whatever,” he says, pushing off the bed and walking out of the bedroom and into the bathroom, his ass glowing in the moonlight as he does. I hear the sound of water running and I know that’s what he does when he jerks off, trying to drown out the noise. But it doesn’t work because I can still hear him panting and moaning and I feel my cock aching with need. Suddenly I feel terrible. I didn’t mean to hurt him. Maybe I’m being too rough on him. What is happening to us?



The next morning, I wake up and the sunlight is streaming in through the window, blinding me. I feel an arm hanging loosely around my waist and a hand pressing gently against my lower stomach. I twist around and see Ryan sleeping peacefully, spooning me like he usually does. Last night was a rough night, but god it feels good to wake up in his arms. I watch the steady rise and fall of his chest and his hair is messy from sleep.

After a few minutes of admiring his beauty, his eyes flutter open, and the sunlight illuminates the blue in his eyes. “Good morning,” I say, smiling at him.

“Morning,” he says, rubbing his hands over his eyes. “God that sun is so fucking bright.”

“It is and it’s especially bad for you because your eyes are so blood shot,” I say and he makes a frowning face.

“I have a really bad headache,” he complains.

“Yeah you hit it pretty hard last night,” I say and he groans. “I’ll get you some aspirin, stay here.”

I hope out of bed and walk into the kitchen, grabbing a water bottle out of the fridge and grabbing a couple of aspirin’s and head back to the bedroom. I hand them to him and he takes the pills and drinks half the bottle of water. “Thank you,” he says.

“Of course,” I say, studying him. “Maybe you should shower, it’ll make you feel better,” I suggest.

“I don’t feel like standing right now. I feel nauseous,” he says.

“I’ll help you, come on,” I say, holding out my hand to him. He raises his eyebrows at me, before agreeing and placing his hand in mine. I tug him out of the bed and walk him to the bathroom. I turn the faucet on hot, he likes it scalding hot like I do. He keeps squinting and I realize how bright the lights are in the bathroom, which won’t help with his headache, so I turn off the lights that hang just above the shower. I help him strip out of his boxer briefs and I try not to react to the sight of his gorgeous cock. I quickly peel out of my boxer briefs and follow him into the shower.

He sighs softly as the warm water sprays across his skin, and I squeeze soap into my hands and start rubbing it over his body. I’m reminded of the last time we took a shower together, when Maggie nearly caught us. That feels like it was a lifetime ago now. I spread the soap across all the rigid muscles of his chest and I can feel my mouth water just looking at him. He’s all slopes and angles and his chest feels so firm beneath my fingers. While I’m rubbing the soap on his body, he lathers up the shampoo and runs his hands through his hair and his biceps flex as he washes his hair. I bring my soapy hands down to his cock and stroke it once, and fondle his balls a little with the soap. His breath catches in his throat when I do, and his cock rises and gets impossibly hard. He opens his eyes and stares at me through the spray of the shower, his eyes burning with desire.

I bring my mouth down on his, hungry and urgent as I continue to stroke his cock, my soapy hand sliding up and down his length. He moans into my mouth as I lick his bottom lip, and Ryan opens his mouth, his tongue tangling with mine. I back him up against the wall of the shower and the spray from the faucet pours down over our heads. I thrust my hips against his and our cocks slide against each other, the friction making my whole body tremble. I snake my hand in between us and jerk us both off as our tongues battle for dominance. I tilt my head to the side and move my lips hungrily over his and he moans loudly and jerks his hips against mine. He’s rubbing his hand up and down my bicep the way he knows I like it, and goosebumps spread across my skin. I feel my balls tighten and I know I’m getting close, and I can tell he is too because his breathing becomes unsteady and shallow.

“Jake,” he moans my name softly and I nod my head, encouraging him. His hips snap against mine as he comes, spraying my hand and I come seconds later, cussing and thrusting my entire body against his. “Fuck, that was sexy,” Ryan says, trying to catch his breath.

I smirk at him as I wipe the sperm off both of our chests and the shower wall and everywhere else. I shut off the faucet and hand him a towel and he dries himself off. “Thank you, Jake,” he says, stepping out of the shower.

“You’re welcome,” I say, wrapping the towel around my waist. “If you want to sit down I can shave your face for you. I know you hate when it starts to grow out like this,” I say, brushing my fingers over his facial hair.

He smiles his gorgeous crooked smile at me, and he turns and flips the toilet seat down and sits on top of it. I lather up the aftershave in my hands and rub it all over his neck, jaw, and cheeks. He watches me with fascination as I take my razor and start shaving the left side of his face.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” I ask.

“I don’t deserve you,” he says. He says it so quietly, almost to himself. I don’t say anything as I continue to glide the razor blade over the left side of his jaw. “I’m really sorry about last night Jake. I’m so fucking sorry,” he says, and I can hear the genuine sadness in his voice.

“It’s okay,” I say, still concentrating on his face.

“It’s not okay. I was a fucking asshole. You’re so good to me. Look at you, shaving my fucking face because you know me so well. You know I hate having scratchy facial hair like this. I don’t think anyone knows me as well as you do,” he says, locking eyes with me at the last part. I lick my lips as I stare down into his bright blue eyes.

“Everyone has bad days okay? And I want to be here for you on your good days and on your bad days too,” I say, starting on the right side of his jaw.

“I don’t know how you put up with me sometimes,” he says, like he’s disgusted with himself. I pinch my eyebrows as I look down at him. “I don’t know why you put up with me? Why don’t you just leave me?” he asks, not in an accusing way but with general curiosity.

“Because I’m in love with you Ryan. I love you,” I blurt out, and he opens his mouth to say something but I stop him. “I can’t leave now. I don’t want to. I want you to be happy and I’ll do anything I can to make you happy. You’re all I think about. You’re my best friend, but you’re so much more. You’re everything,” I say and finally gain the courage to look into his eyes again. The look in his eyes is something I’m not sure I’ve ever seen before. He looks so happy, but his eyes are glassy with tears, and he’s looking at me with so much love in his eyes, like he just might feel the same way.

I never imagined that the first time I told Ryan I loved him would be in my bathroom under dim lights while I was shaving his face the morning after we had one of our worst fights yet, but life doesn’t always happen the way you expect it to. After one hell of a night, it couldn’t come at a better time. I’m more certain about loving him than I am about anything else in my life right now.

Chapter Text



          For the past two weeks, I’ve been working my ass off, flying from city to city promoting my latest movie. I haven’t heard much from Ryan since the night I told him I loved him. Even though he never said it back, I could tell by the look in his eyes that he felt it too. Maybe he just wasn’t ready to say it out loud yet. I’ve called him at least once a day while on the road, and I love hearing his gravelly voice over the phone. It makes me miss home. And for the first time in my life I understand what people mean when they say sometimes home is a person, not a place. Ryan is home to me.

          Ryan is still having drug problems, which isn’t that surprising. Drug problems don’t just go away overnight and even though he claims he’s clean over the phone, I never know for sure unless I’m looking in his eyes.

          Today I am more excited than I normally am to get home to him. Today is my 36th birthday. I’ve gotten phone calls from my Mom, my sister, and tons of friends but I haven’t heard anything from Ryan yet. I’m excited and nervous to see what he has planned for tonight.  

          I walk through my front door and sling my backpack off my shoulders and notice my apartment is completely dark. I walk into the main living area and see the glow of the TV. I’m confused, so I walk over to the TV and see Ryan passed out on the couch. He’s only wearing a white tank top and his black boxer briefs and there’s a small white piece of paper rolled up on the coffee table (no doubt what he used to snort cocaine with). I let out a sigh, feeling disappointed. I grab his bare bicep and shake him a little, and he groans and twists his body before barely squinting his eyes open.

          “Hey, I’m home,” I whisper. “How was your day?”

          “It was okay. How was Berlin?” he asks.

          “It was nice,” I say. “Are you hungry?”

          “No, I already ate,” he says and I feel a knot forming in my stomach.

          “Oh, okay,” I say, trying to hide the disappointment in my voice.

          “I have a headache so I think I’m just going to go to sleep, is that okay?” he asks, standing and stretching his arms behind his head. The knot in my stomach grows bigger.

          “Yeah that’s fine,” I say, crushed.

          “Ok,” he steps towards me and kisses me softly on the mouth. “I’m glad you made it home okay,” he says, before walking past me into the bedroom.

          I’m standing there frozen in disbelief. I was so fucking naïve and stupid to think he was planning something for tonight. He didn’t even remember that it was my birthday.  





          I asked Ryan to join my family for Christmas, but he said he wasn’t up for it and that it’s hard for him to be around a family right now. I told him he should go visit his Mom and his sister for Christmas and that they probably need him right now, but he brushed me off and said they weren’t celebrating this year because they were all mourning his Dad. I insisted he come and spend it with my family but he said after everything that happened at Thanksgiving he didn’t want them getting suspicious of us. I argued that my sister already knows about us and my nieces would love to see him, but he still refused. It kills me to know he’s spending Christmas alone, probably doing drugs in my apartment.

          I go to my Mom’s house for Christmas just like I do every year. But this year I feel this gaping hole in my chest. I fake smiles, and try to hide the sadness that I’m feeling but my sister knows me too well. After everyone has finished opening gifts, Maggie pulls me aside and questions me.

          “What’s wrong Jake? You’re not acting like yourself,” Maggie says.

          “I’m fine…” I start to say, but she stops me.

          “What happened? Are you and Ryan fighting? Why isn’t he here?” she asks.

          “Ryan just lost his Dad, Maggie. He’s going through a hard time,” I say.

          “I know… But he still should’ve come tonight, it would’ve been good for him,” she says.

          “I know, I tried to tell him that,” I say, flustered.

          “Okay, there’s obviously something more going on. Tell me,” she says.

          “It’s just… I know it sounds so dumb to get upset over something like this but he forgot my birthday,” I say, sounding pathetic and defeated.

          “Oh, Jake,” Maggie says, wearing a frown.

          “I know it’s stupid,” I say.

          “That’s not stupid. I would be pissed at Peter for weeks if he forgot my birthday,” she laughs.

          “Yeah, but you and Peter are married, that’s different,” I say.

          “It’s not that different. And as far as I remember Ryan has never forgotten your birthday when you were best friends,” she says and I nod my head.

          “We used to have a great time together on my birthday,” I say, sadly.

          “Did you tell him he forgot it? Give him the guilt trip?” she asks.

          “No… He’s already going through such a hard time, I don’t want to make him feel worse,” I say.

          “Jake, you’re a really great boyfriend and it’s very admirable, but you’re allowed to be upset about this. You don’t have to make excuses for him to act like a douche,” she says.

          “I’m not making excuses for him,” I say and she raises her eyebrows at me. “It was shitty of him to forget my birthday but he has a lot on his mind right now and I can’t be mad at him for that.”

          “Wow, when did you grow up?” she asks and I flip her off, smiling. “I just want him to treat you right because you’re my favorite brother and I don’t like to see you hurt.”

          “First of all, I’m your only brother so I better be your favorite. And second, I’m not hurt,” I lie.

          “Jake, you wear your heart on your sleeve. I can always tell when you’re hurt just by looking in your eyes,” she says and I shake my head.

          If I was that easy to read, then why couldn’t Ryan tell when I was hurting?





          I ask Ryan to go out to lunch with me in an attempt to get him out of that god damn apartment and get his mind off of everything. I pick one of his favorite places, and we get a booth near a window that overlooks the city. It’s been a little awkward between us since I told him I loved him. I’ve been busy with work and the holidays with my family, I haven’t got a chance to really talk to him in a long time. Not to mention we haven’t had sex in weeks.

          I glance up at him over my menu and he’s studying his menu with such intensity, it’s kind of sexy. He’s wearing a black sweater and dark wash blue jeans, and his blonde hair is wet and slicked back out of his face. I adore the fact that he made an effort to look good to come out to lunch with me. He looks up at me and smirks when he notices I’m staring at him.

          “What?” he asks shyly.

          “Nothing,” I say, shaking my head and looking back down at my menu. “I just missed seeing you smile, that’s all.”

          The waiter takes our orders and Ryan nervously sips on his water after he leaves. “What’s wrong?” I ask.

          “Nothing… I just haven’t left your apartment in almost a month. I feel like a fish out of water,” he says.

          “I know, that’s why I wanted to get you out of there and back into the world. This is good for you,” I say, reaching for his hand that’s resting on top of the table instinctively. He smiles and squeezes my hand back for a split second before awkwardly pulling his hand away and glancing around the restaurant, making sure no one saw. It’s so frustrating knowing we can’t just be ourselves in public.

          “I just… I feel so anxious lately, like I’m always on the edge of a nervous breakdown,” he says, and I look up at him cautiously. His eyes are looking everywhere but mine. It’s the first time he’s said something so brutally honest to me in a long time.

          “Is that why you’re doing drugs all the time?” I ask. If he’s choosing now to be brutally honest then I will be too. “To try and calm yourself down and prevent this nervous breakdown?’ I ask and his eyes finally meet mine. In this moment, he looks so much younger, like a little boy, with so much fear in his crystal blue eyes. My heart feels like it’s splitting in half. He bites his lip and gently nods his head, and I get the feeling he’s too afraid to speak right now without getting emotional.

“Ryan, I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through with losing your Father, but I want to be there for you. I hate it when you shut me out. I love you--” I say but he jerks away from the table so quickly it startles me.

“I can’t,” he says, quickly walking past me and into the bathroom.

“Ryan,” I say, standing and turning, debating if I should follow him in or give him his privacy.

I wait for about thirty seconds before I can’t stand it and I follow him into the men’s restroom. I see him standing at the sink, splashing water on his face, and I quickly glance around the room, and I don’t see anybody else in here with us.

“Hey, it’s okay,” I say, walking up behind him and wrapping my arms around him from behind. His body is shaking slightly under my fingers.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” he mumbles into my bicep, his voice wobbly and sounding like he’s on the verge of crying.

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” I say, cooing in his ear, trying to calm him down.

“It’s just… I can’t help but wonder what my Dad would think if he knew about us. He would never accept it. Fuck, my Mom doesn’t even accept it,” he says, trembling under my fingers.

“We don’t need anyone’s approval Ryan, we’re full grown adults. We can decide for ourselves,” I say and he shakes his head.

“This is just too much for me, Jake. My Dad’s fucking dead, and my Mom knows we are together and she doesn’t approve and I’m still trying to figure out how it’s possible that I fell in love with a man… I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore,” he says, gasping as tears start falling from his eyes.

“Don’t say it like that Ryan… you didn’t just fall for some guy, you fell for me,” I say, trying to lighten his mood but he’s completely broken in my arms.

“I’m sorry, I wish I was as confident as you are, but I’m not. I’m trying Jake,” he says.

“What the fuck? I thought you’ve gotten over this. Why is your Dad dying suddenly making you question everything? You’ve gotten over the fact that I’m a guy and you want me. So, what? What’s changed?” I ask, starting to get angry now.

“I don’t know,” he says.

“You’re afraid your Dad would’ve judged us but he isn’t even here to judge us anymore, so what is it?” I ask and he pulls away from me like I’ve just slapped him. “I’m sorry, but it’s true. What are you so afraid of? Why are you so afraid to love me?”

The look on his face is that of a wounded animal and the tears at coming down at full speed. His lip is quivering and he looks like he’s about to break so I step toward him and take him in my arms just as his knees give out and he collapses to the ground in a heap of emotion. “Ryan, it’s okay,” I say, squatting down to the floor and gripping him as tightly as I can as he breaks down and cries in my arms. I guess this is the nervous breakdown he was so afraid of.

His body shakes as he sobs into the front of my shirt and he has a death grip on my bicep. I keep running my fingers through his hair and saying “I’ve got you” and “it’s okay” in his ear over and over again.

“I miss him Jake,” he says in between gasps of air.

“I know,” I say, fighting back my own tears as I watch him unravel.

“I’ll never get the chance to make it right with him,” he says, his voice cracking before he loses it again, and he starts gasping for air so hard it scares me.

“It’s okay Ryan, just breathe,” I say as calmly as I can in his ear.

As I’m comforting him, the bathroom door swings open and another man steps in and walks past us, looking down at us curiously. Ryan either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care because he continues to cry softly into my chest, and holds on to my arm so tightly.

A minute later, the man walks out of the stall and washes his hands, continuing to glance over his shoulder at us, and it’s starting to piss me off, the way he’s looking at us. He walks past us and the moment he leaves he mumbles “fucking faggots” under his breath and I lose my shit. Without thinking, I stand up and grab the back of the bathroom door before it swings shut and follow him out into the restaurant.

“Excuse me?” I ask, harshly. “What did you call us?”

“Jake,” Ryan says with warning in his voice. He walks up behind me and I hold my hand back to him to stop him and let him know I’ve got this.

The guy stops and turns to face me, a smug smile on his face. “I called you a couple of fucking faggots,” he says, and I don’t even hesitate when I reach my hand back and punch him straight across the face. He stumbles backward for a second before he recoils and punches me across the face. I lose my balance and my vision is blurry, but I’m quick to recover, all those years of boxing are finally paying off.

“Fuck, Jake stop!” Ryan yells.

“Fucking piece of shit,” I shove him and he falls to the floor and I leap on top of him, punching him in the face again.

“Jake!” Ryan screams again, running to my side. The man desperately tries to get me off him, his body wriggling under me but it’s no use. My vision is blurry with rage and I can’t stop hitting him. My knuckles hurt like a bitch and there’s blood everywhere, I probably broke his nose.

Ryan grabs both of my biceps and yanks me off of him, dragging me in the opposite direction as the guy covers his nose, cursing. “Jake, are you fucking crazy?” Ryan asks, his eyes swollen and red from the crying. Everyone in the restaurant is looking at us in shock, and the waiters have rushed to the man’s side, someone yells that they are calling the police.

A few minutes later and I am being arrested. Apparently, there were a few cops having lunch on the other side of the restaurant. Fucking great.





          “Thank you, ma’am. I’m really sorry we caused such a scene,” I say to the old lady at the front desk at the police station. Jake actually got fucking arrested. I couldn’t believe it. I still can’t.

          “Your boyfriend has a bit of a temper,” she says casually and my hearts stills for a second.

          “Oh, we’re not… He’s not my boyfriend,” I say, smiling awkwardly.

          “Oh, please honey, men don’t fight like that and act that stupid unless they’re in love,” she says as if this is very obvious. I sit and ponder this for a minute. It’s obvious to this lady that Jake is my boyfriend and I’m surprised that I’m not freaking out about it. In fact, I kind of like that I can claim him as mine. It feels good not having to hide from someone for once. And I can’t deny it was ridiculously sexy to see him stand up for us like that and beat the shit out of that guy. Jake took that guy down to the floor with no problem at all. Hell, it was even sexy when they slapped those cuffs on his wrists and put him in the back of the police car. Of course, it was sexy in hindsight, because the moment it was happening I was freaking the fuck out. But Jake’s confidence in us and in himself is such a turn on.

          “Are they going to release him soon?” I ask and the lady nods her head.

          “Yes, they’re going to release him. He’s lucky, the other man isn’t pressing charges,” she says. Probably because he knows what he said was fucked up and he doesn’t want to get involved in a law suit.

          “Yeah, he’s really lucky,” I say. She stares at me for a minute and I feel awkward. “What?” I ask.

          “You guys make a really nice couple,” she says, smiling wide. Her eyes look huge behind her thick glasses.

          “Thank you,” I say, blushing slightly, obviously not expecting her to say that.

          “How old are you both? Early 30’s?” she asks curiously.

          “No, I’m 36 and Jake’s going to be…” I stop myself when I realize it’s late December and Jake is also 36. I fucking forgot his birthday.

          “Alright sir, you are good to go,” the police officer says, interrupting my thoughts and releases Jake out of the jail cell.

          “Thank you,” Jake says, rubbing his wrists. He walks toward me and I’m still standing in shock. I can’t believe I forgot his fucking birthday. I feel like I’ve just been hit by a train. I’m such an asshole. “I’m so sorry Ryan,” he says, misreading my facial expression. I guess I look pissed off. I’m only pissed off at myself.

          “It’s okay, let’s go,” I say, grabbing his arm and leaving the police department.

          “I know you’re mad ,and I know that probably wasn’t the best decision I’ve ever made, but I couldn’t just let him say that about us and walk away,” he rambles and I stop him.

          “I’m not mad. It was actually kind of sexy seeing you stand up for us like that,” I say while trying to flag down a cab.

 “What?” Jake asks, smiling so widely like he never expected me to say that.

I raise my eyebrows and smile at him and he bites his lip and raises his eyebrows back at me. He’s so fucking precious, and my heart breaks when I look at him, knowing that I hurt him. We drive back to his apartment in silence, as the sun sets, casting orange and pink hues across the sky.

It’s dark when we finally step through the front door of his apartment. He starts to walk toward the kitchen, but I grab his wrist. “Come here,” I say, pulling him toward the bedroom.

“What’s gotten into you?” he asks, his big blue eyes widening with curiosity and amusement as he follows me into the bedroom.

I gently push him back onto the mattress and crawl up his body. He’s breathless as he looks up at me, hovering above his body. “When we were at the police station I realized, I forgot your birthday,” I say.

He wrinkles his forehead and licks his lips. “It’s not a big deal Ryan, you’ve had a lot on your mind recently. I’m not mad,” he says.

“I am so fucking sorry,” I say. “I’m so mad at myself for forgetting your birthday. That is unacceptable.”

“Ryan don’t torture yourself, it’s really not a big deal,” he says but I stop him.

“On top of the way I’ve been behaving lately and all the shit you put up with for me, I can’t believe I forgot your birthday. I’ve been the shittiest boyfriend in the entire fucking world,” I say.

“Ryan, it’s okay,” he says.

“Jake, if you say it’s okay one more time I will kill you,” I say and we both laugh. “It’s not fucking okay. I fucking love you and I’ve been treating you like shit and you’re the greatest person ever and you’re always there for me and I don’t deserve you,” I say and his eyes widen and he smiles. “What?”

“You just said you love me,” he says, shyly. “You haven’t said it yet and you just said it.”

“I do. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize it, but I do. I fucking love you Jake. I love you so much,” I say and his blue eyes are glassy with tears. I reach my head down between us and take his bottom lip into my mouth, and tilt his head back as I push my tongue into his mouth. He moans softly and opens his mouth, sliding his tongue across my lip. I bring my hand to his scruffy chin and gently hold his cheek as I tilt my head to the side and kiss him more passionately. I lower my body down on his, so our entire body’s rub against each other, and I slide my hips over his. His erection rubs against mine and the friction is un-fucking-believable.

He reaches desperately for my hips, and rubs his palm over my erection. “No way birthday boy, tonight I’m pleasing you,” I say and pull my hips away from his reach. I feel him smirk against my lips, and I reach in between us and start zipping down his jeans. He helps me tug off his jeans and I pull his boxer briefs down with them and his huge cock juts out in between us.

My mouth waters at the sight of him, and I reach for his hips and position my head so it’s just above his cock. I look up at him and he’s staring down at me with so much lust in his eyes, it gives me goosebumps. I brush my thumb over the head of his cock and his hips snap off the bed at the contact. “Fuck,” he moans. I try and hide my smirk over how adorably easy he is.

I breathe hot air up and down his shaft and gently massage his balls until he’s panting. “Fucking tease, just suck it,” he complains, shifting his hips impatiently.

I laugh and decide to have mercy on him and take his pulsing cock into my mouth. I lick the tip before I swirl my tongue over his swollen head and his thighs shake and he whimpers under his breath. Jake is louder in bed than most women I’ve had sex with and I find it incredibly sexy.

I take as much of him in my mouth as I can and I can feel him pulsing in the back of my throat. I glide my tongue on the underside of his shaft, where his skin is extra sensitive. “Fuck, Ry,” he moans and my own cock twitches in my jeans. I love when he calls me Ry.

I release his cock for a second and take his balls into my mouth as I use my hand to pump his shaft. His cock is glistening with my saliva and I use the wetness to slide my fist up and down as quickly as I can while I explore his balls with my tongue. “Jesus Christ,” he groans and I can feel his balls seizing up and I know he’s close. My mouth finds the tip of his cock again and his body shudders in ecstasy.

I take him deep in my throat again and Jake comes hard, cursing a string of incoherent profanities that don’t make any sense as he thrusts his hips into my mouth and I feel him shooting down the back of my throat. “Fuck, Ryan that was fucking amazing,” he says, out of breath.

“That’s just one of many to show you how sorry I am,” I say and he smiles widely at me. “I’m going to be better for you. I promise.”

“I love you,” he says, panting as I rest my head against his chest. I can feel the rapid rhythm of his heart beat; his huge heart that I’ve grown to love.

“I love you too,” I say, and I mean it.

Chapter Text



          For New Year’s Eve, Jake and I decide to drive up to the cabin at the lake for the weekend. I’ve apologized a million times for forgetting his birthday and he keeps telling me it’s okay, but I still feel like shit. I want to make it up to him this weekend. We are driving in my car, and he’s playing his usual hip hop music through the stereo and rapping along to all the lyrics.

          I laugh and tease him and reach for his hand, bringing it to my mouth. He looks at me curiously as I kiss his knuckles, and smile at him. “You’re so affectionate lately, I’m not used to this,” he says.

          “Well, get used to it,” I say.

          It starts snowing while we drive, creating a gorgeous view but the roads are slick and I grip the wheel tighter. “Be careful around the curves in the road,” Jake says.

          “I’m from Canada Jake, I know how to drive in the snow,” I tease.

          We finally pull up to the cabin late in the afternoon and we hop out of my car and grab our backpacks, and head inside. “I love having this place all to ourselves. That’s new for us,” Jake says, slinging his backpack off his shoulder and heading toward the kitchen.

          “Me too,” I say, agreeing with him. I watch him curiously as he unloads the cooler and puts beers and water bottles in the fridge. “You know we’re only going to be here for the weekend, right?” I tease him.

          “I plan on drinking a lot of beer,” he says. “And a lot of water.”

          “I brought something a little stronger for us,” I say, pulling out bottles of grey goose.

          “You planning on getting me wasted Gosling? Is that the plan?” he asks, smirking.

          “Obviously. Completely trashed. You’re way more fun when you’re drunk,” I tease and he pretends to be offended.

          “Alright well I’m going to hop in the shower really quick. I feel sweaty and gross,” he says, pulling his shirt up and over his head. I take in his long, sexy torso and I bite my lip.

          “Well you don’t look sweaty and gross,” I say, and he walks toward me.

          “I’ll only be a few minutes,” he says, kissing me softly on the mouth before walking past me, into the bathroom.

          “I’ll start cooking dinner then,” I yell out and turn back towards the kitchen.




           After we finish eating dinner, I’m staring at Jake over the top of my glass as I sip down the bitter, strong taste of alcohol. He’s wearing a black t-shirt, and black boxer briefs and his hair is damp and slicked back out of his face and he smells absolutely fucking edible. I can smell him over the scent of the food.

          “Whatcha looking at Ry?” he asks, taking a sip of his drink too.

          “We should establish some rules for this weekend,” I say, raising my eyebrow at him.

          He raises his eyebrow back at me. “Like what?” he asks.

          “The most important rule is absolutely no clothes all weekend,” I say, pulling my shirt up and over my head and tossing it at him.  

          His eyes widen and he smirks as he looks down at my bare chest. “I like that rule,” he says, peeling his shirt off as well.

          The table is blocking his view as I start to pull down my jeans, and his eyes stay glued to mine as I tug my jeans down until they fall around my ankles. We both sit across the table in nothing but our briefs challenging each other to make the next move.

          “I have an idea,” Jake says, standing up and grabbing my wrist.

          “Uh-oh,” I tease and he laughs.

          He pulls me into the bedroom, the same bedroom we were in earlier this year in the summer, when Jamie walked in on us. “What is this great idea you have? I’m dying to know,” I say.

          “I just want to try something new,” he says, pushing me down on the mattress.

          “You’re getting bored with me already?” I ask.

          “Fuck no, but I thought it would be fun to try a new position,” he says, and I raise my eyebrows at him, intrigued.

          He lowers his head and crashes his mouth against mine, the taste of liquor on his tongue. He caresses my chin and tilts my head back as he pushes his tongue into my mouth, and I moan softly. Then, he reaches in between us and grabs the bottom of my briefs and tugs them down urgently, my stiff cock brushing against his knuckles as he does. I start tugging down his briefs as well, and take hold of his erection as soon as it’s in sight. “Fuck,” Jake grunts as I take both of our cocks in my fist and jerk up and down slowly.

          His body rocks over mine, and the feel of his hard cock up against my own still makes my head spin.

          “You’re distracting me from my idea,” he says, eyes closed.

          “Sorry,” I say, letting go of both of our cocks. “Please, proceed.”

          He smiles at me and then he flips around, so his ass is in my face and his erection is brushing against my upper chest. “What are you--“ I start to ask but I go silent when his warm tongue swirls around the head of my cock.

          “Oh,” I moan, and rock my hips into his mouth. Jake thrusts his hips against my chest, and his cock slides across my bare chest.

          “It’s called sixty-nine Ryan, ever heard of it?” he teases and I suck two of my fingers into my mouth.

          “Oh, I’ve heard of it alright,” I say, and then slide my wet fingers along the crack of his ass. His body stiffens above me and he curses.

          He takes my cock deep into his mouth and I can feel it hit the back of his throat and I’m finding it difficult to concentrate. He grinds his hips feverishly, craving the friction of my chest against his cock. I push two fingers inside of him and he moans around my cock, and the vibration is sensational. “Jake,” I moan when I feel his hand slide between my legs, caressing my balls while his mouth works me.

          I push my fingers in and out as fast as I can and when I hit his prostate his hips buck wildly and his cock leaks on my chest. “Jesus fucking Christ,” Jake says, pulling his mouth away from my cock for a second, trying to catch his breath.

          “Feel good?” I ask.

          “So fucking good, don’t stop,” he begs. He lazily drags his tongue down my shaft as I furiously pump my fingers inside of him and his body writhes on top of me. He grinds his hips back against my fingers, desperately wanting more. He pulls his mouth off my cock with an audible pop, before I feel his warm fist clench around me and pump me lazily.

          “Fuck,” I groan, trying to concentrate on my fingers.

          My cock is slick with his saliva and he uses it to easily slide his fist up and down my cock, and I can feel my balls seizing up and I know I’m close. But I’m determined to make him come first, it’s the competitive nature in me.

          I continue to finger his ass quickly, and with my other hand, I reach in between his legs and fondle his balls. “Ah, Ryan,” he groans, his voice hoarse, and then I reach for his dick, which is slick with pre-cum and begin to pump him in time with my fingers pushing in and out of his hole.

          “Oh god,” Jake moans, and I can feel his thighs start to tremble under my fingers.

          “Come for me Jake,” I growl, chasing his orgasm as I stroke his cock and my fingers slam against his prostate.

          Jake’s entire body shakes as he starts shooting jets across my chest and screaming my name, and I follow shortly behind him, coming in his large hands and cursing.

          He rolls onto his back and stares up at the ceiling as we both try to catch our breath. “I think that was the greatest idea you’ve ever had,” I say and we both laugh.

          “It wasn’t terrible,” he teases, and rolls onto his back, then he flips himself over so his head is beside mine and he lays his head on his pillow. Over the past few months we’ve been together I’ve seen Jake at many different times of day, and at many different angles, but this angle is still my favorite. His cheeks are flushed and his hair is messy and sticking to his forehead and he’s so fucking precious.

          “Jake, I love you,” I say.

          “I love you too,” he says, seeming surprised that I said it first.

          “I just wanted to remind you, and I’m sorry I don’t say it often but I do,” I say and he nods his head.

          “I know, Ry,” he smirks, and looks at the clock on the bedside table. “Fuck it’s 11:55 we almost missed it!”

          “Missed what?” I ask, confused.

          “Midnight… The new year, dumbass come on,” Jake teases and reaches for the TV remote.   

          “Oh, I didn’t think it was that big of a deal,” I admit.

          “It is a big fucking deal, we have to do the countdown and watch Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve, it’s fucking tradition,” he says, clicking through the channels until he finds it.

          “I didn’t know you enjoy New Year’s so much,” I say, admiring how adorable he is when he gets excited.

          “It’s my favorite holiday,” he says and I raise my eyebrows at him, not knowing this. “And now we’ll make it a tradition for you to kiss me every time the clock strikes midnight in the new year,” he blushes and my heart clenches in my chest.

          The countdown begins and we count down with the people on the TV, yelling “10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1… HAPPY NEW YEAR,” as soon as the time runs out Jake grabs the back of my head and crashes his mouth against mine with so much force we both go flying off the bed.

          “Fuck,” Jake says, laughing as his body lands on top of mine on the floor.

          “I was going to kiss you and I was not prepared for you to tackle me what the fuck,” I say, laughing so hard I’m wheezing.

          “I just got so excited I’m sorry,” Jake says, laughing on top of me.

          “Happy New Year Jake,” I say, holding his stare.

          He’s propped himself up on both arms and he smiles down at me, his blue eyes dancing across my face. “Happy New Year, Ry,” Jake says, biting his lip and staring down at my lips.

          “I promise to be better to you this year,” I say, leaning to my right and kissing the inside of his forearm.

          “You act like you treat me bad but you don’t. Every couple fights and has ups and downs, it’s fine Ryan. I’m happy with you,” he says, confidently.

          “I know. But I also know that you deserve better and I’m going to be better for you. You deserve nothing but the best,” I say. “You’re incredibly caring and patient with me, and I love you a lot Jake.”

          “This sounds like a marriage proposal,” he teases and I smile.

          “I just promise I’ll try harder okay?” I say.

          “Okay,” he says, nodding his head.




          We decided it would be fun to ring in the New Year with some shots of grey goose, and an hour later we are really starting to feel it. Jake can barely walk from the kitchen back to the bedroom without bumping into walls. We both can’t stop laughing our asses off, and I don’t remember a time where I felt this happy.

          We’ve been lazily taking shots while watching Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Years Eve, watching shitty performance after shitty performance, and Jake drunkenly sings along to any of the songs he knows.

          Jake is in the bathroom when I get the best idea. “Jake,” I call from the bed. I hear the sink running and the door click open.

          “What?” he asks, his voice echoing in the hallway.

          “Come here I got an idea!” I yell excitedly.

          “Oh, god,” Jake says, strutting back into the room still completely naked. My eyes roam over his lean muscles, his hairy chest, and his cock swinging between his legs. Just the sight of him has my cock rising beneath the blanket. “What is your idea?” he asks.

          “I thought of the perfect way to ring in the new year,” I say, with a mischievous look in my eye I’m sure. “Lie flat on your back for me,” I command and Jake raises his eyebrows and lays flat on his back.

          I reach into the backpack beside the bed and pull out the lube and squirt some onto my fingers. Jake is eyeballing me curiously when I bring my fingers down to his crack and start rubbing up and down. “Does your idea have something to do with my ass getting fucked?” Jake asks seductively, licking his lips.

          “Not exactly,” I say, sliding my finger inside him slowly.

          Jake’s eyebrows crease as his body gets used to the pressure from my finger. “Okay, now I’m curious. What are we doing Ry?” he asks, eyes closed.

          “I read this thing online a couple days ago that guys can have multiple orgasms, just like women can and I wanted to try it,” I say.

          Jake laughs awkwardly. “What? I don’t want you to get your hopes up because I’m pretty sure that’s impossible.”

          “Yeah well here’s the thing, it’s multiple prostate orgasms. So you really have to focus on what you’re feeling. Your dick isn’t even involved really,” I say and his eyebrows crease in confusion again.  

          “That just sounds like foreplay torture,” he says and I laugh.

          “Just try it maybe you’ll like it,” I say and he nods his head.

          “Alright, whatever gets you going Ry,” he smirks and I push my fingers deeper inside of him. He spreads his legs a little wider, giving me easier access and I drive my fingers as deep as I can and he hisses and bucks his hips against my fist.

          “Is that good Jake?” I ask and he closes his eyes and groans. “I’ll take that as a yes,” I say and continue penetrating him with my fingers. Jake’s cock rises and bumps against my chest, but I don’t want his cock getting any stimulation or this will be over very quickly, so I lift my body higher so his cock doesn’t reach me.

          Jake’s soft moans turn to gasps as my fingers curl and slam against his prostate over and over. He digs his fingers into my bicep and he arches his back as he experiences his first prostate orgasm. “Oh,” Jake moans loudly, his breathing heavy. “Fuck, I didn’t think…”

          “We’re not done,” I say, cutting him off. “Flip over,” I say, grabbing both of his hips and roughly flipping him onto his stomach.

          “Jesus,” Jake says, and flips over, sitting on his hands and knees. I smack his ass with one hand as hard as I can and he groans loudly as I thrust my fingers deep inside him, hitting his prostate again.

          Jake thrust his hips against me roughly, and I slam my fingers into him again and again, curling them and feeling deeper. “Oh, Christ, Ryan,” he moans, his thighs trembling. “I can’t,” he cries out.

          “Focus on what you’re feeling Jake,” I say, using my other hand to stroke all the way down from his upper back to his lower back, and goosebumps break out across his skin. He thrusts his hips back against me and his entire body shakes as he experiences his second prostate orgasm. “Fucking hell,” he moans.

          “One more,” I say, grabbing his hips and turning him back over onto his back.

          “Ry, I can’t,” he pants, his hair sticking to his sweaty forehead.

          I grab a condom from the backpack and coat it with lube as quickly as I can before sliding my cock easily into Jake’s crease.

          Jake rolls his head back against the pillows and moans, and I bend my head down and leave wet kisses up and down his neck as I thrust my hips against him. I fill him until I’m balls-deep and I reach down and stroke his impossibly hard erection.      

          Jake’s moans turn to hoarse screams as he digs his fingernails into my back and my bicep and whatever he can get ahold of.

          “Come for me Jake,” I say, rocking my hips against him as his body shakes violently underneath me.

          “Ah!” Jake yells as hot jets shoot across his chest and my chest and my hand and everywhere. I feel my own orgasm coming and I bury myself in him and let go, toes curling and body trembling.

          I collapse on top of him, out of breath and Jake is breathing so hard, his chest rising and falling rapidly. “Jesus fuck,” Jake whispers against my hair. I laugh softly and kiss both of his pecs.

          “I’m assuming you enjoyed that,” I say, smirking cockily.

          “I don’t think I’ve ever came that hard in my life,” he admits and we both laugh. “Now that was the greatest idea you’ve ever had.”

          “It wasn’t terrible,” I say, mocking him from earlier.

          “I didn’t even know prostate orgasms were possible,” he says.

          “Me neither. The world is full of surprises,” I say smiling.

          “That was the best way to start off the new year,” he says, kissing me softly on the lips.

          “I love you,” I repeat again, for the hundredth time tonight.

          “I love you too Ry,” he replies.

Chapter Text


          In January, our friends invite Ryan and I to a hockey game, and Ryan is extremely excited. Hockey is his thing. I tease him constantly about being such a cliché – a Canadian who loves hockey – but I can’t deny that hockey is pretty awesome. We both wear New York Rangers jerseys and black baseball caps (mine is on correctly, but Ryan is wearing his backwards), and we find our friends after we get our tickets.

          “Hey, there you guys are!” Jamie says, slapping us on the back as we approach the group. “I haven’t seen you guys in forever, how’ve you been?”

          “Great,” I say, glancing at Ryan who’s nodding his head.

          The rest of our friends: Leo, Chris, and Blake all greet us before we find our seats in the suite they rented out. “This is so fucking sweet,” Leo says. And he’s not wrong. The suite is so huge and there’s a full bar and nice leather couches to watch the game on.

          “Yes! Go big or go home baby!” Blake says, throwing his body onto the couch.

          Ryan and I exchange glances and smile at each other. Even though we are still currently keeping our relationship private, he gets more affectionate with me in public every day. He can’t keep his eyes off me, and I can feel his eyes on me all the time. I fucking love it.

          “What’s new with you dude?” Ryan asks Jamie, and Jamie smiles widely.

          “I actually have an announcement, guys,” Jamie says.

          “What? That you’re gay? We already know,” Leo teases and me and Ryan glance at each other as soon as he says the word gay, and I feel a knot in my stomach as I start to panic.

          “No, Jesus…” Jamie says. “I actually wanted to say I proposed to Stephanie. We’re getting married this summer!”

          “YOU DID WHAT?!” Leo yells.

          “Congratulations Jamie!” I say, reaching over to hug him and all the other guys follow behind me in congratulating him.

          “Am I going to be your best man? Please tell me I’m going to be your best man,” Leo begs.

          “I don’t know who’s going to be my best man yet,” Jamie admits.

          “Come on dude, you’re the only shot I have at being a best man! You know Blake and Chris will pick each other, and there’s no doubt Ryan and Jake will be each other’s best men,” he complains, and continues to ramble as Ryan and I exchange another glance. Ryan raises his eyebrows at me and nods his head upwards, and I bite my lip to try and hide my smirk. If only they knew… I don’t want Ryan to be my best man. I want him to be the one I’m marrying.



We start drinking beers, and before we know it the game is about to start. “Holy on, hold on we have to make bets!” Leo says, running behind the bar and grabbing shot glasses.

          “What are you talking about?” Jamie asks.

          “Whenever the Rangers get a goal, Jake, Jamie, and Blake have to take shots. Whenever the opposing team gets a goal, Ryan, Chris and I will take shots,” Leo says, setting down shot glasses in front of all of us.

          “What are we going to take shots of exactly?” Ryan asks, and Leo races behind the bar and pulls out a giant bottle of tequila.

          “Oh, Jesus,” I mutter under my breath, knowing Ryan will be drunk before the end of the first period if he’s mixing tequila with beer.

           Ryan smirks at me, with this adorable, wild look in his eyes. “It’s on, Gyllenhaal.”

          “Oh, it’s so on,” I say, loving when he gets competitive like this.


          Four goals (and four shots) later and Ryan is slurring all his words. He looks so fucking adorable with his rosy cheeks and his backwards baseball cap, and wide blue eyes. Ryan starts cheering any time a team scores a goal, he’s too drunk to know which team is which at this point, and his love for hockey is making him giddy like a little boy. He keeps bouncing his legs and he has so much energy. Just watching him watch the game makes my heart feel like it’s growing ten sizes.

The Rangers finally score a goal and the stadium erupts in cheers. Ryan screams: “FINALLY!” and points his fingers at me, as Leo starts pouring the shots.

“Alright, alright” I smile sideways at him before tipping the shot glass up and downing the bitter taste of tequila.

“Yesssss,” Ryan groans as I slam down the shot glass. It’s my first shot of the night, but he’s clearly had one too many. I remember the last time Ryan was this drunk in front of our friends at the cabin last summer, and I wonder if he’s going to let his guard down and flirt with me in front of our friends.

Ryan sits back down and bites his lip before he glances over at me. I wink at him and he subtly re-adjusts himself in his pants. All our friends are too focused on the game to notice, but I feel like I’m about to lose my mind if I don’t touch him. Maybe it’s the shot of tequila getting to me, but the look in his eyes is doing things to me.

“Jake, let’s go get nachos,” Ryan says, winking at me.

“Okay, we’ll be back” I say, and Ryan sways when he stands up. He grabs my shoulder when we’re walking so he doesn’t fall. “Are you okay?” I ask, once we’re out of hearing distance from our friends.

“I’m more than fucking okay,” Ryan says, sliding his hand down from my shoulder to my bicep, as we walk out into the crowded hall of Rangers fans. His fingers are so long and warm on my arm, it sends a shiver down my spine. “You’re so fucking strong did you know that?” Ryan asks, slurring his words heavily again.

I smirk sideways before turning to the left at the same time Ryan tries to turn to the right, and we stop. “Nachos are this way,” I say, pointing in the direction I was trying to pull us in.

“Oh come on, you know we didn’t come down here for nachos,” Ryan says, licking his lips and challenging me with his eyes. Fuck, he’s so hot when he gets like this.

“Now?” I ask, my voice probably going up an octave higher.

“Now,” he nods his head and I look around the area, but it’s like every inch of this place is crowded with hockey fans. They’re everywhere. And it’s not like we can go to the bathroom because there’s a long line for the men’s restroom and it’s not as if we could just walk into the same stall together…

While I’m thinking Ryan grabs my wrist and starts leading me down the hall. I guess he’s got an idea. We pass a ton of vendors and concession stands, before he finds a storage closet on the left side of the hall. The sign on the door says, “STAFF ONLY” in big, bold letters, but Ryan rarely ever follows the rules… or reads. He looks over both shoulders before he reaches for the door knob and turns it, and we’re surprised to find it’s unlocked. “Are you crazy? Someone could come back any minute,” I say, with a giant smile plastered on my face.

“Then we better be quick,” he says, pushing me inside and checking over both his shoulders to make sure no one is watching us, then he slams the door shut behind him. It’s pitch black in this closet, I can’t even see my own hands it’s so dark, the only light in the room is coming from under the door. “Fuck,” he says, reaching for my body to steady himself as he trips over something in the dark. “I think my foot is in a mop bucket,” he complains and I laugh.

I feel his fingers roaming my chest, trying to figure out exactly where I am, and then I feel his warm mouth trailing kisses on my neck. I reach my hand out and wrap my hand around the back of his neck, he’s so warm under my fingertips.

“Fuck, you smell so good,” he groans into my neck, shifting his entire body weight against me, as he pins me to the wall. He reaches for my baseball hat and flips it around so it’s backwards like his, and then he crashes his lips against mine. His mouth tastes like alcohol, and my body responds to his kiss immediately.

Our tongues make love to each other, and I’m glad Ryan seems to love kissing as much as I do. He’s so good with his mouth and his tongue. I reach in between us and brush my fingers over the hard erection straining against his jeans and he whimpers into my mouth. “Please, babe” he begs.

I freeze for a second because he’s never used the word “babe” with me before. He’s only ever called me Jake, and I know it’s stupid, but somehow, now I feel closer to him than I ever have. I feel so much love for him in this moment, I feel like my heart might burst out of my chest. I know he’s a bit drunk, which might be why he said it but I try not to think about that for now. For now, I’m just going to think about how far we’ve come. He used to be terrified of being romantic with me, and now he’s calling me babe.  

I unbuckle the front of his belt and zip down his pants as quickly as I can, and within seconds my fingers are wrapped around his pulsing cock. Ryan’s breathing is erratic as I pump him over and over, from base to tip. Ryan moves both of his hands so they are resting on my shoulders, still pinning me to the wall. I trail my thumb over his sensitive tip and squeeze ever so softly and he thrusts his hips against my hand, craving my touch.

It’s kind of a turn on that I can’t see him, because it forces me to think about how he feels, and how he sounds. I could get drunk off his soft, little moans. I could get off on the feel of his smooth cock, impossibly warm and hard beneath my fingers.

“Jake,” he groans with a warning in his voice and that’s how I know he’s close. After months of doing this, I’ve gotten to know his body so well, and I know exactly where he likes to be touched. It gives me a sense of power, knowing I have this control over him. Knowing he wants me just as badly as I want him.

I run my index finger along the pulsing vein on the underside of his shaft and his cock twitches in my hand. “Jesus fucking Christ,” he moans loudly as he comes hot and fast in my fist.

“Damn, Ry, any louder and the entire stadium would’ve heard,” I tease him and he starts laughing so hard, he starts wheezing. “Shh, someone is going to hear us,” I warn him but he continues to laugh hard, which causes me to start laughing too. I slide my left hand down to his hip and my right hand is still wrapped around his limp cock.

After his obnoxiously loud fit of laughter, he presses his lips against mine. It’s moments like this, I think, that I love him the most. Just after he’s had an orgasm, when his hair is messed up and his cheeks are flushed and the only thing I can concentrate on is how god damn beautiful he is. It’s too fucking dark in this closet to see him clearly, but I run my fingers across his chest and feel his rapid heartbeat and I fall in love just a little more.

“Well, it’s time to come out of the closet,” I say and we both erupt in another fit of laughter. Ryan has the most hilarious, adorable high-pitched laugh, it’s nearly impossible not to laugh with him. My head is still buzzing from the tequila, and laughing with him makes me feel warm all over my body.

Then, the closet door suddenly bursts open and Ryan and I both freeze and stare at an elderly woman dressed in an employee uniform. I immediately release Ryan’s cock and tuck it back into his jeans, and awkwardly clear my throat, but the old lady just rolls her eyes and closes the door on us.

“What just happened?” Ryan asks, and starts laughing again as our eyes start to re-adjust to the darkness of the closet.

“We just got busted, that’s what happened!” I pretend to be mad but I’m having such a great time with him I can’t be.

“She just stared at us and then closed the door,” Ryan says, and even though I can’t see him, just by the sound of his voice I know what his facial expression looks like right now. That confused, dazed, adorable look he gets, when his forehead crinkles.

“Maybe she recognized us and she’s calling TMZ right now,” I tease and Ryan laughs, but more out of fear this time.

“Don’t even say that, oh my god,” he says.

“I’m kidding, but she’s probably getting security so we should get out of here,” I say and I hear Ryan zipping his jeans, and buckling his pants. I reach around the closet and find a white rag to clean my hand with, since my hand is still covered in Ryan’s jizz. I wipe down the front of my jersey just in case and hope to god I didn’t miss any.

We push open the door, and I look down the hall to make sure no one is looking before we both step out. Ryan and I give each other the once-over, making sure nothing looks out of place on either of us, before we head back to our seats.

“Where the hell have you been? You missed the entire second period!” Leo says.

“The line for nachos was ridiculously long,” Ryan says, and I bite my tongue, trying to stop my laughter.

“Where are your nachos then?” Blake asks. Ryan glances at me quickly with a look of panic on his face.

“We ate them in the lounge downstairs, there’s a bar down there. That’s why we took so long,” I say, making it up on the spot.

 “Whatever,” Leo rolls his eyes and Jamie stares at me from across the room. Jamie is the only one of our friends who knows about me and Ryan. He smirks knowingly and winks at me, and I wink back at him.

I hope for a day when all our friends know the truth.

Chapter Text


“You’re adorable when you’re nervous,” I say.

“Shut the fuck up, I have to be awake in five hours,” Ryan groans, rolling onto his back. We’re both curled up on his bed, only wearing our boxer briefs. His broad chest is glowing in the moonlight spilling in from the window, it’s a gorgeous view.

“I don’t know why we can’t just stay awake, you have to be up at 5am, we might as well just sleep after,” I say.

“You know I won’t be able to sleep after they announce the Oscar nominations… I’m either going to be too depressed or too excited to sleep!” he says, his eyes shining like a little boy on Christmas Eve. And I guess that’s what tonight is like for us, as actors, the night before the academy reveals their nominations is even more nerve-wracking than Christmas Eve was as a kid.

“Yeah I guess that’s true,” I say.

“I just need a distraction, to get my mind off it for now and then I’ll be able to sleep,” Ryan says, rubbing his hands over his face and yawning.

“Well then, please, allow me to distract you,” I say, and he raises his eyebrows at me.

The bed creaks slightly as I push my body up with my arms, and lower my chest down to his. His skin is incredibly warm underneath my chest, and I wrap my lower body around his.

“Ahh, you’re cold. Why are you always so cold?” he winces when I bring a hand down to his warm hips.

“I’m cold because it’s fucking January and yet you insist on turning the air conditioner on, and I insist on not wearing any clothes when I’m here,” I say, my fingers tracing circles on his lower chest.

“Well fuck, I don’t want you to have to wear clothes, that would be ridiculous,” he says, his grin eating his face.

Ryan arches his back off the bed and lifts his hips up to meet mine in a delicious slide and my eyes roll to the back of my head. He roughly grips my hips with his long fingers, and flips me onto my back in one quick maneuver. My breath catches in my throat as his warm mouth covers mine, and the weight of his body presses into mine. His kissing is hungry and urgent and his tongue pushes into my mouth with need.

“Fuck,” I groan as Ryan thrusts his hips against mine. I reach for his biceps that are currently flexed from holding his weight, and he grabs my wrist and holds it firmly over my head. He uses his other hand to pull down my briefs, and I use my free hand to pull down his. His cock springs free and my mouth waters at the sight of him. Even after all this time, I’m so fucking impressed by him and his sheer beauty.

I reach for him with my free hand, and he grabs that wrist too and holds it over my head with the other. I smile nervously and Ryan bends his head down and sucks on my neck, his hands still firmly holding my wrists above my head. The warmth of his mouth and the swirl of his tongue on my neck is driving me wild and my cock swells, hitting him in his lower chest. I can feel the tip of his cock dripping pre-cum on my chest.

“Ughh,” I surprise myself by making the most ridiculous sound of need when his cock slides against mine and Ryan smirks.

“You like that Jake?” he asks, cockily.

“Shut the fuck up Ryan,” I say, smiling.

Ryan holds both of my wrists in one hand and brings his other hand in between us and gropes both of our cocks, sliding his hand from the base to the tip. I’m breathing heavy now and my body is wriggling with desire.

“I just want to hear you make that noise again Jake,” Ryan says, licking his lips and sliding his fist up and down our cocks at a faster pace.

“Jesus Christ,” I moan, and I feel like I’m getting close, with waves of pleasure coursing through my entire body.

“Come on, Jake,” Ryan says, his determination is only turning me on more. I look up at him; the veins in his arms are bulging, his forehead and chest are damp with sweat, and his hair is matted to his forehead. His left arm looks so sexy with his exposed tattoos, and his smooth chest is heaving as he nears his own climax.  

He looks down at me with so much lust swirling in his eyes, I swear I lose it right then and there. My entire body shakes as I lose myself in an orgasm, screaming his name and making that ridiculous bitch-ass noise he requested. He follows shortly behind me, and I feel his warm release spilling on my chest as he shakes and collapses on top of me.

I grab a towel off the nightstand and start wiping both of our chests before laying back down. “I love that sound,” Ryan says, laying his head on my chest.

“That is by far the most embarrassing noise I’ve made during sex this far,” I say and Ryan starts laughing so hard, he starts wheezing. “God, I love your laugh. It’s ridiculously sexy and adorable at the same time.”

He scrunches his eyebrows at me, and then lays his head back on my chest. Ryan is strangely uncomfortable with compliments and I don’t know why. I play with the wet hair that is matted down on his forehead, twirling it in between my fingers, as his breathing becomes slower.

“Get some sleep Ry, we have an early morning,” I say, gently rubbing his back. His skin is so warm and I can feel all the tight muscles in his back when I rub him like this.

“Okay, I’m sleeping,” he says, nestling closer to my chest and settling into a comfortable place in between my legs. I continue to gently rub his back until he starts snoring softly.




Five hours later and Ryan’s alarm blares and we both groan. Somehow I have ended up lying on my stomach, and Ryan is curled up against my left side. It’s amazing how much you move in your sleep. It’s still dark outside and it’s five in the fucking morning. But this morning is important, because today they are announcing the academy award nominations. I still think it’s ridiculous that they announce them this early in the morning, but that’s just my opinion.

Ryan pulls it up on his phone, and starts watching the live stream. I’m still blinking my eyes, trying to get used to the blindingly bright phone screen in my face. I’m still laying on my stomach and Ryan is on his back next to me, fidgeting with his phone volume, trying to turn it up all the way.

“Jake, get up,” Ryan nudges me and I groan. He sets his phone on his pillow and crawls onto my back.

“Ryan,” I groan, my voice sounding very raspy in the early hours on the morning.

“Wake up,” he whispers in my ear, his warm mouth planting wet kisses down my back. His warm hands find my hips, and his lips trail down my spine. We’re barely listening to the lady droning on and on about the academy and how “this year there were some truly incredible films” and yada-yada-yada as she prepares to announce the nominations. Ryan slides his hands up and down my back, which he knows turns me on, and I feel goosebumps break out across my skin as my cock stirs against the sheets.

“Are you trying to wake me up or are you trying to wake my dick up?” I ask and Ryan laughs.    

“Both,” he says, dropping his head by my ears. “Come on, please watch it with me,” he begs in his low, gravely morning voice, and holy fuck how could I say no to that?

“Okay, okay,” I turn around and sit up, and he sloppily kisses my forehead as he grabs his phone and smiles. We cuddle against the wall, Ryan holding his phone out in front of us as the lady begins to announce the nominations. They start with the smaller categories like best costume design, best score, best original song, and so on before they get to the acting nominations.

It's nearly an hour and a half into the live stream when she finally announces the category for best actor. We both sit up on the bed, nervous and excited. I feel my heart rate speeding up for Ryan, and I find myself praying to a God I don’t believe in that he gets nominated this year.

Then she says the words we’ve been waiting to hear all morning:

“Ryan Gosling for La La Land”

…and we go absolutely ape-shit.

“YESSSSSS” I scream at the top of my lungs and Ryan is giddy and vibrating beside me. “I fucking knew it Ryan, I knew they would nominate you, I’m so proud of you,” I say, cupping both of his stubbly cheeks with my hands and kissing him.   

“Thank God,” Ryan says, standing up on the bed and jumping up and down. It’s at that moment I notice he’s still naked, and I think he realizes it too because he stops and sits back down. “Sorry that was probably an unpleasant sight,” he says, blushing. He’s actually blushing. I don’t remember the last time I’ve seen him blush.

“You’re fucking adorable; you know that right?” I say and he rolls his eyes. “Like ten out of ten on the adorable scale today.”

“Oh geez,” he says, blushing an even deeper shade of red.

“Come here,” I say, reaching for him, and he scoots closer to me on the bed, the most vulnerable innocent look in his eyes.

I bring his forehead to mine and whisper: “I’m so fucking proud of you and I love you.”

He smiles and nods his head. “I love you too.”

We freak out again when she announces his movie is also nominated for best picture, the highest honor at the Oscar’s. I’m so fucking happy for him. He gets phone calls from his Mom and his sister congratulating him, and texts from our friends. Then, after all the buzz has died down, it’s nearly eight in the morning and we both fall asleep on the bed again.




That night, Maggie and Peter invite us out for drinks to celebrate Ryan’s nomination. It’s our first real night out with Maggie since she’s known about us, and I wonder if she’s told Peter… Most likely she has, they don’t keep secrets from each other. So I guess I’m going on a double date with my sister. I cringe just thinking about it.

Maggie picks a really fancy, popular club in downtown LA, so Ryan and I both put on suits. Ryan decides to wear a navy blue suit, which I honestly think is his best color, and I wear all black. We are heading towards the front door of Ryan’s apartment when he stops me. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen you in a suit, Gyllenhaal,” he says, licking his lips.

“Well, feast your eyes because it’ll be a while before you do again,” I tease, buttoning the cuff on my wrist.

“How am I supposed to keep my hands to myself tonight?” he asks, as he cracks open the front door.

“No one said you had to,” I say, winking at him and stepping past him into the hallway. I hear his breath catch in his throat before he locks the door and follows me down the hall.


We arrive at the club just after ten o’clock and spot Maggie and Peter as we walk in through the front door. “Jake!” she screams, and kisses my cheek and hugs me. It’s been a while since I’ve seen her.

“Hey, Maggie,” I kiss her on her cheek.

I shake Peter’s hand as Maggie pulls Ryan into a tight hug. When he pulls out of the hug she slaps him on the ass and he pinches his eyebrows at her. “If you’re dating my brother, then I am allowed to slap your ass,” she says, slurring her words.

“Jesus, Maggie keep your voice down,” I say but Ryan is just laughing.

“If you slap Jake’s ass, which I know you do,” she says, emphasizing the word ‘do’ and staring at him with her giant blue eyes that look so much like my own. “Then I get to slap your ass okay?”

“Okay, Maggie,” Ryan says, laughing and nodding his head.

“How much has she had to drink?” I ask Peter.

“We’ve been here for an hour and she’s already had two,” Peter says.

“Jesus,” I say, knowing how rowdy my sister gets when she’s drunk. “We’ve been here for five seconds and she’s already grabbing my boyfriend’s ass,” I say.

Peter smiles at me and I realize I just called him my boyfriend in front of him, which is new for us. He pats my shoulder and says “Yeah well, you know how she is. She loves ass almost as much as you do apparently,” he winks when he says that last part.

I feel the redness in my cheeks before I can stop it. I glance over at Ryan and he’s still talking to Maggie, but damn his ass really does look fucking great in those pants. I look away before I start sprouting wood in such a public place.

I walk up to the bar and get drinks for me and Ryan, before walking back over to Ryan and Maggie. She’s congratulating him on his nomination, and he’s thanking her, as I hand him his drink.

“Thanks, babe,” he whispers in my ear before taking a sip and my entire spine tingles. That’s the second time he’s called me that, not that I’m keeping track or anything. I fucking love it when he does that.

“What was it like working with Damien Chazelle?” Maggie asks. “I would kill to work with him!”

“It was amazing, he’s the best,” Ryan says.

“I bet,” she says, looking back and forth between Ryan and I, like she’s studying us. “So how is it going with you two?” she asks, raising her eyebrows and giggling.

“It’s great, he’s great,” Ryan says before I even have the chance to respond.

“He’s alright,” Maggie shrugs, and hits me softly in the shoulder.

“Alright?” I ask, pretending to be offended.

“Yeah I don’t want you getting cocky now just because you landed this hot piece of ass,” she says, slapping Ryan’s ass again. Ryan chokes on the drink he’s sipping, obviously not expecting my sister to get so handsy.

“Maggie, please stop-” I start but Ryan stops me.

“It’s okay, really,” he says, gently placing his hand on my arm. He’s so sweet for putting up with my drunk sister.

At that moment, Bad and Boujee comes on the speakers and Maggie loses her god damn mind. She starts screaming like those woo-girls you always hear about in the clubs and she grabs Ryan’s wrist. “You HAVE to dance with me to this song Ryan,” she screams over the loud thump of the bass.

He looks back at me with innocent, puppy dog eyes and I laugh. “Have fun,” I tell him as Maggie pulls him onto the dance floor. Ryan isn’t the type to dance in public in a club, but he’s trying to be close to my sister, and I love him for it.





Maggie’s grip is tight on my wrist as she pulls me onto the crowded dance floor. I hate dancing and I hate clubs, but I look over my shoulder at Jake, standing there with one hand in his pocket and one hand around his drink, and a smile eating his face as he watches us, and everything feels worth it to me.

Maggie faces me and throws her arms in the air, and starts swaying her hips. I’m awkwardly standing there, bumping my head to the beat, not sure if I should put my arms around her or if that would be awkward. Maggie is rapping along to the lyrics, and I can’t stop laughing, she reminds me so much of Jake in this moment, with this love for rap music and this wild look in her eyes.

“Loosen up, Gosling!” she says, squeezing my hips and I laugh awkwardly.

I sway my body to the beat, and hold my arm out for her to hold it and twirl. A few minutes later and the song comes to an end. Maggie grabs my wrist and pulls me toward the bar. She really does have a firm grip for a girl.

“What’s up Maggie?” I ask, as she takes a seat at the bar.

“Are you and Jake really doing good now?” she asks, concern in her eyes.

“Yes, why?” I ask.

“You didn’t come to my Christmas party last month and Jake was emo as fuck so I was worried that’s all,” she says.

“I’m sorry. I know I should’ve come for Christmas, but I was going through a hard time,” I say.

“I know, I’m really sorry about your Dad, Ryan. That’s terrible what happened,” she says reaching for my hand and squeezing it gently. I feel a knot forming in my throat, and I can’t swallow. The finality of him dying is still a fresh wound and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still thinking about it.

“Thank you,” I say, squeezing her hand back.

“But please, don’t hurt my brother Ryan, he loves you. I’ve never seen Jake look at anyone the way he looks at you, and I mean that,” she says, sounding more sober than she’s sounded all night.

“I won’t, I promise,” I say, squeezing her hand and not breaking eye contact with her. “I love him too.”

She smiles widely and tears well up in her eyes. “I’m so, so happy for you guys. I really am. And I hope one day you’ll love him enough to love him in front of the whole world,” she says, and it feels like a punch to the gut when she says that.

“It’s complicated right now, that’s all,” I say, trying to reason with her.

“Love is complicated Ryan, nobody said it was easy.”

“I know, but we have our careers to think about, and our families,” I say.

“If you haven’t noticed, the media and Hollywood has become pretty accepting within the last few years. It’s a better time to come out now than it ever has been,” she says.

“I know, but it’s not just that. I don’t think my family would accept it. I’m pretty sure my Mom figured it out, and the way she looks at me and Jake… it makes me sick to my stomach,” I say.

“Well that’s something you’ll have to deal with Ryan. Your Mom will either have to accept you the way you are or get over it right? If she really loves you she’ll come around,” she says, like it’s the simplest thing in the world.

“I’m terrified. She’s all I have left, since my Dad died. Mandy and I aren’t that close, I have no idea what she would think,” I say, the tightness in my chest keeps getting tighter.

“Ryan, you’re overthinking everything, everything is going to be fine. You need to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. Only worry about how Jake makes you feel. That should be the only thing that matters. Love is love,” she says, squeezing my hand again.

I feel my eyes starting to well up with tears and I stare at the ceiling to blink them away when Jake and Peter finally find their way back to us.

“Damn if I didn’t know you were boning Jake I would’ve thought you were trying to steal my wife,” Peter says and Maggie gasps.

“Peter!” she scolds him but Jake and I start laughing so hard I can’t breathe.

“Are you okay?” Jake walks up behind me and squeezes both of my shoulders.

“Yeah I’m okay,” I say, even though I know my eyes are probably still glassy.

“Ryan and I were just having some deep convo’s,” Maggie says.

“And now Ryan’s crying in the club,” Jake says, and we both crack up laughing again.

Jake’s thumbs dig circles into my back and it feels so fucking good, I had no idea how much stress I carry in my shoulders. Jake and Maggie carry on talking about something, but I’m so focused on not getting an errection that I don’t hear anything they are saying.   

Another one of Maggie’s favorite songs comes on and she squeals and tells Peter he has to dance with her, but I think she just wants to give Jake and I some alone time. Maggie and Peter both walk down to the dance floor, and Jake slides his hands down my back and grips my waist firmly from behind, digging his thumbs into my lower back. I shudder under his fingers, and feel my cock stirring in my pants, so I reach behind me to grab his wrist.

“Don’t,” I say, turning to face him and he’s smiling.

“Don’t what, Ry?” he asks, cockily.

“Not in public,” I say, looking to my right at the crowd of people who isn’t paying any attention to us anyway.

“Did you just get hard from my back rub?” Jake teases, glancing down at my crotch.

“Shut the fuck up, you would’ve too,” I say, hitting his shoulder softly.

“Remember that first night after we hooked up when we came to this club?” he asks, raising his eyebrows at me seductively.

“Of course I remember,” I say, and thinking about that night isn’t going to be any help for my errection.

He leans in close to me and whispers in my ear: “You sucked my cock in the bathroom.”

My body shudders again form his warm breath tickling my ear and my cock twitches in my pants. “Jake,” I say, with warning in my voice.

“Maybe we should make a repeat of that night huh?” he asks, biting his lip and looking down at my lips.

I push past him and walk straight towards the bathroom. I can feel him smirking and following closely behind me without even having to look. I open the door to the men’s restroom and look around as I walk in. It smells like ass but it’s private in here, which is all I care about.

“It reeks in here let’s just do it in the car--” I say but I’m cut off with Jake’s hungry kiss as he grabs the front of my suit. He pushes me against the wall on the other side of the door, never taking his mouth off mine. Suddenly I forget about everything, about where we are, about all the stress I’ve been carrying – and all I can think about is Jake, and his warm tongue in my mouth, and the delicious scent of him that’s so much stronger than the disgusting odor of this bathroom, and his hard cock pressed against my thigh.

“Maggie’s right about one thing, I fucking love this ass,” I say, slapping his ass, the sound echoing in the bathroom. Jake grunts and thrusts his hips against mine.

My hand slides in between us fumbling with his belt, and he slides one of his hands across my chest, dipping it under my suit jacket. I get his belt buckle undone and zip down his pants, as he’s un-buttoning the top three buttons of my shirt. I slide my hand under his boxer briefs and tug on his burning hot, hard cock. He grunts and bends his head down to my chest, licking one of my nipples. “Fuck, babe,” I say and his cock twitches in my hand.

“You want a repeat of last time?” I ask as I pull his cock out of his pants, and slide my fist up and down.

He nods his head as he moans loudly. I use my free hand to grab the front of his suit and flip our positions, so his back is against the wall. His back hits the wall with a thud, and I drop to my knees and lick the head of his cock. “Please, Ry, please,” he begs, running his hand through my hair.

I kiss the tip before I deep throat him, taking him as far as I can without gagging. His body trembles as I work him, using my hand to cover what my mouth can’t. I don’t believe in God, but I think I could worship Jake’s cock. Jake’s moaning loudly and cursing, the sounds echoing off the walls of the bathroom. That’s one thing I can always count on with him – he’s not going to hold back on the noise, he can’t help it - and I love how loud he is.

I loosen my jaw, and slide him further into my mouth, and I feel his cock jerk in my throat. “Jesus Christ,” he groans as I use my free hand to stroke his balls. He looks down at me and our eyes meet, and the look in his eyes is enough to kill me right there. His eyes are a dark blue, and there’s so much desire in his stare, I feel my own cock twitch in my pants.

“Uh, I’m gonna - Ry,” he pants against the wall and our eyes lock again and I nod my head.

He explodes in my mouth, a fiery hot jet stream, burning down my throat. I hold onto his trembling thighs as he loses himself in an orgasm. “Fuck,” Jake grunts.

Then, the bathroom door swings open and Peter walks in and we both stand quickly and Jake covers his dick. “Oh Jesus,” Peter says, walking past us to one of the urinals. “That is not something I ever needed to see.”

“Sorry,” Jake says, his voice raspy and throaty, reminding me that my cock is still aching.

“You guys are fucking animals,” Peter laughs. “This bathroom is disgusting,” he says.

“I’m not disagreeing with you on that one,” I say, and laugh awkwardly.

Jake nods his head towards the door, as if to say ‘let’s go’, so we both say bye to Peter and step out of the bathroom. Jake spots Maggie sitting at the bar, and we both say goodbye to her for the night.

I lean in to kiss Maggie on the cheek, and she squeezes my neck and says: “Be good to him,” and I nod my head and smile at her.

I will.