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Hard To Say

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Hard To Say

Hard To Say

by Jennifer Lyon

"Jim...Oh, God, Jim, that's soooo good!" Blair moaned, clutching at the body writhing against his. His eyes squeezed shut, ecstasy scalding his senses, he couldn't see the sudden reaction from his lover. But he felt it an instant later, as the warm body pressed against him stiffened, froze, withdrawal etched in the abrupt chill of the flesh.

"Whaaa?" he moaned, still reluctant to open his eyes, still clutching at the source of such pleasure.

"You bastard!" The words rang in his ears, accompanied by a sharp ringing which he belatedly realized was related to the pain in his cheek. His eyes flew open, the nerves of his face blaring loudly.

"You slapped me!" he complained, struggling to focus his eyes on the face hovering over him. Long blond hair, green eyes, a lush mouth, she was a beautiful - and very angry - woman.

"Damn right I did!" Her hand hovered to repeat the strike, and he grabbed for her wrist, restraining her.

"Why? What did I do?" he questioned, even as the memory flooded him. He released her just as quickly as he had grabbed her, as embarrassment flooded his cheeks with a hot flush of blood. "Oh no," he whispered.

"Oh yeh," she hissed at him, green eyes sparking with fury.

"Sarah, please. I can explain..."

"Explain what? That you're sleeping with your roommate? What am I, a substitute when he's too busy to fuck you?"

"No, it's not like that?"

"Forget it, Blair. I don't play seconds, especially not to a man. And I don't mess with perverts either."

"I'm not a pervert."

She gave him a disgusted look over her shoulder as she scurried off the bed. He sat up, reaching out to her, but she refused to look back at him.

"Sarah, please..." he tried again.

"Queer bastard," she taunted in return, yanking her dress over her shoulder.

"Now wait a minute."

"No way, I'm gone. Why don't you wait for loverboy to get home. I'm sure he can meet your needs!" With that, she was gone, hurrying out through the kitchen to the front door. Stumbling, Blair managed to pull his boxers on, then followed her out. Just as she reached for the doorknob, it swung inward.

Jim came through the door, ending up face-to-face with a blond, emerald eyed fury.

"Get out of my way you damned pervert!" she yelled.

"SARAH!" Blair called out, skidding to a halt behind her. She spat at him, shoved an astonished Jim out of the way, then stalked out the door. Jim automatically closed it behind her before turning to Blair.

"What was *that* all about?" he asked mildly.

Blair took one look at his partner's surprised, but calm face, and felt the blush deepen on his cheeks. He opened his mouth, then shut it firmly.

"Nothing," he said weakly.

"What do you mean, nothing? And what did she mean by calling me a pervert? What have you been telling her, Chief?"

"I said it was nothing, now let it go!" Blair blurted out, abruptly and inexplicably angry. He knew deep down inside that he'd gotten himself into his own mess, but it was easier to yell at someone else.

"Ok, sure, whatever you say," Jim replied, throwing his hands up in the air in mock surrender. Walking past Blair into the kitchen, he grabbed a beer from the fridge then wandered into the living room and plopped down on the couch with a sigh.

Blair stood where he was for a while, his mind and body still trying to react to the abrupt changes they had suffered so rapidly. The worst wasn't even the loss of sexual satisfaction, it was the knowledge that he'd let something out of himself that he hadn't quite realized was there. He'd known that he cared about his partner, and had even indulged an occasional daydream, but he hadn't realized that it went this deep.

"Ouch!" he whispered to himself, forgetting for a moment just how sensitive Jim's hearing was.

The Sentinel was up and across the room in an instant. His blue eyes were bright with concern as he hovered over his smaller friend.

"Blair, are you all right?"

"Can't anyone have *any* privacy around here," Blair shouted, pushing past Jim to end up staring blindly out the window. He barely heard Jim move, gasping when a large hand closed down on his shoulder.

"Look, Blair. I know you're upset. And if you don't want to talk about it right now, that's OK. But don't take it out on me. It's not my fault you had a fight with Sarah."

"It is your fault!" Blair regretted the words the moment they erupted from his lips. He turned to find Jim staring down at him stunned.

"Oh, forget I said that, Jim. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. It's just...what a bloody mess!" Blair rambled, spurting out words almost faster than he could enunciate them properly. Running his hands though his hair, he scurried back over the couch, sat down, and buried his face in his hands.

"I'm such an IDIOT!"

Jim was slower to follow, but he soon joined Blair on the couch.

"I doubt that, Chief. Or at least, not more so than any man is when dealing with women. I think getting foolish around them is built into our biology."

Blair couldn't help smiling at that, he lifted his head long enough to flash a smile. Jim returned it, his large-boned face exuding sunny warmth and understanding. Blair felt a sudden urge to kiss him, but he fought it down, biting hard on his lower lip.

Jim saw the humor die in his partner's emotive eyes, and he frowned.

"Come on Chief, whatever it is, it can't be that bad."

"Oh, it's bad..." Blair contradicted.

"So tell me about it," Jim urged.

Blair shook his head, the very thought making his stomach turn over uneasily in his belly.

"Come on..." Jim insisted. "Can't be worse than some of the stuff that happened between me and Carolyn." He smiled wryly.

Blair shook his head.

"Nah, forget it man. The relationship's just over. Shit happens." Blair said, hoping Jim would let it go. But the man was in his full protective mode, a reaction as natural to him as breathing. He leaned closer to Blair, reaching out to wrap a long, bulky arm around his shoulders.

"Yeh, I know, Chief. But hey - give it a day or so, then bring her some roses and a poetic apology. Doesn't matter is you're in the wrong or not, say you're sorry anyway. She'll come around."

"No." Blair rubbed at his eyes, then laughed wryly. "Not this time, and I can't blame her. I managed to shove my own foot into my mouth all the way up to the knee this time and it won't come out."

"Ahh," Jim smiled with abrupt perception. "What did you do? Get her name wrong?"

Blair's head jerked up. He fixed Jim with wide, startled eyes.


Jim shook his head, chuckling lightly. "Given your tendency to date more than one woman at the same time, I'm surprised you never called one of them by another woman's name before now."

"I didn't call her by another *woman*'s name," Blair contradicted fiercely. "I am perfectly capable of remember who I'm with..." Then his mouth snapped shut as he realized that that was exactly what he *had* done. He froze.

Jim stared at him, confused. "If you didn't call her by someone else's name, then..."

"No," Blair sighed, the confession stealing loose from him. "I did call her by someone else's name. Just not another woman's."

Jim's brows knit in confusion, then crawled upward in surprise. "You called her by a man's name?"

Blair bit at his lower lip, nodding as he stared down at his hands.

Jim was silent for a moment, but he didn't pull away. Blair was sensitive to every motion of the big, warm body so close to his own. It stayed where it was.

"I didn't know you were bi," Jim finally commented softly.

Blair finally looked up at him, relief sharp and sweet when he saw nothing but simple understanding in his partner's expression.

"Neither did I," he replied honestly.

"Oh..." Jim responded, sympathy flaring in his eyes. He thought for a moment, then spoke slowly and carefully. "Well, I know discovering something like that can be a shock, but really, it's nothing to be upset about. I know this must have been a hard way to find out - not sure there is an easy way. But it's not very unusual. I'm bi myself, you know?"

"What?!" Blair exclaimed, turning to stare up at Jim as though he had suddenly shape-shifted into a little gray man from outer space.

Jim couldn't help it, he laughed aloud.

Irritation sparked in Blair's eyes.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he demanded.

Jim shrugged. "It never came up. I usually prefer women, in fact I haven't been with another man since I left the army."

"But still..." Blair protested.

"Still, it's no big deal," Jim insisted. "Look, it won't affect you and me, I promise. You should know that by now. I won't do anything to make you uncomfortable."

Blair shook his head, his mind tumbling. Too fast, this was all happening *way too fast*!

"No, it's not that, man," he replied, then he paused.

"So what is it?" Jim asked, concern again lighting his blue eyes with comforting warmth. Blair wanted to melt into that warmth, to be surrounded by it, to wallow in it. To bury himself in Jim completely, to draw Jim deeply into himself...

"Oh shit," he muttered under his breath.

"Blair, look, I'm sorry if this was the wrong time to tell you. And I'm sorry I didn't do so sooner. I guess I'm just not good at talking about things like this. But I'll do whatever you think is best. Just tell me what you need, I ...unh... I just don't want to lose you." There was a tight catch in Jim's throat, and the tell-tale muscle in his jaw pulsed. Blair felt his heart clench in his breast, a rush of emotion threatening to overwhelm him. It was rare for Jim to make such a clear statement of his feelings, and it made Blair feel badly about keeping his own secret.

"What if I want you to do something?" he blurted out, glancing quickly at Jim, then away. His eyes sought out and stuck to his hands, which he clasped tightly in his lap.

"What do you want me to do?" Jim responded, his breath so close now that it warmed Blair's cheek.

"I don't know," Blair moaned. "I mean, I do, but I don't... Damn it, I'm not used to this. I don't want to mess things up."

"Me neither," Jim said softly, tightening the arm that still encircled Blair's shoulders. "I'm not an expert on this either, Chief, but since when has that stopped us before? We've managed to figure out the Sentinel thing on our own so far, surely we can do the same with this."

"And what's *this*?" Blair questioned, realizing that they had to stop dancing around the issue, but nonetheless afraid to put it into words himself.

"What do you want it to be?" Jim countered, obviously finding it difficult to take the final plunge himself. They sat silent for a moment, then slowly Blair tilted his head so that he could look into Jim's eyes. They gazed at each other for a moment, then they moved together, lips seeking blindly to communicate by touch what couldn't yet be formed in words.

Blair drank in every sensation, first a faint pressure of flesh against flesh, heat shared, the taste of salt and the scent of male sweat. He felt as though he was tumbling into one of Jim's zone-outs, every nerve in his body tingled as their mouths caught, slid across each other, then came back for more. He gasped, his mouth instinctively opening in invitation, and Jim followed him with a hard thrust of his tongue. That slick, hot sensation sent a shock wave arrowing its way into Blair's groin. His hungry cock hardened with the new-old sensation of gut-wrenching desire. It had been denied release earlier, it wanted it now. He wanted it now.

That tongue was working magic now, possessing his mouth with fervor, stroking his teeth, sliding across the rough surface of his own tongue, sweeping into the crevices of his mouth. Need swelled, and he responded in kind, seeking out and exploring in return, finding hard enamel and wet flesh waiting for him, welcoming, inviting...

And then suddenly the kiss broke off, leaving him gasping for breath like a beached fish. He leaned into Jim's strength, his heart racing in his chest.

"What do you want, Blair?" Jim whispered hoarsely in his ear. Blair was too far gone to give anything but the truth.

"You, I want you," he moaned. "Please..."

"Oh yes...Chief, yes..." Jim murmured against Blair's neck, trailing hot kisses along the line of his jaw. Blair turned to seek another kiss, and they shared that one. Broke off only long enough to draw air into burning lungs, then began again.

Blair soon found himself cradled in Jim's arms, plastered against the other man's larger body. He wriggled, instinctively trying to bring his aching cock closer to that incredible source of heat and friction. His boxers and Jim's jeans were in the way, he groaned with frustration.

"Easy lover," Jim told him, moving swiftly to lower Blair back into the embrace of the couch. Blair settled back, clutching at Jim to bring him down also. But the big man had other ideas, and he quickly pulled back just long enough to divest Blair of his boxer shorts and himself of his own clothes. Once he realized Jim's purpose, Blair flew along with him, lifting his hips in compliance, and then watching with unsteady delight as Jim draped his own clothes over the back of the couch.

Those muscles gleamed in the soft lamplight, flesh rippling beneath satiny skin. Jim was as beautiful as the girl Blair had lost that night, only in a different way. He was totally masculine, heartstoppingly so, and Blair was stunned by just how deeply he desired that male strength. It wasn't something he had expected from himself, but it was real. Passionately so.

Then Jim was lowering himself down towards him, and any remnants of rational thought was lost in a firestorm on sensation. Blair had not anticipated what it would feel like to have his cock bathed in another man's mouth. The mouth of a man who knew exactly what buttons to press. It was as though Jim could read his mind, or interpret the random guttural emissions from Blair's mouth into clear language. It didn't matter, he took Blair's every wish and made it a reality, until Blair could no longer have kept from orgasm if his life had depended on it.

He screamed Jim's name aloud, clutching at his shoulders, his hips buckling upward as a stream of hot fluid boiled outward from him and into Jim's devouring mouth. Jim wrung it all from him, then they collapsed together onto the damp cushions, Blair cradling Jim's head against his belly.

After a moment, Jim shifted upwards, far enough to cover Blair's mouth in another, softer, kiss. Blair could taste himself on Jim's lips and tongue - it was odd, salty, musky, but not as unpleasant as he might have thought. Could he do that in return...oh yes, perhaps he could.

Wrapping his legs around Jim's body, he nudged his belly upward, gratified at the hardness he discovered pressing into his own softened groin. Jim moaned into his mouth, and Blair wriggled faster, encouraging the contact. The bigger man's arms convulsed around him, drawing him in tighter...they began to rock against each other. Sharing kisses they built a rhythm for a while, until a tortured gasp broke from Jim's lips.

"I want you, Blair..."

It took Blair a moment to realize what his partner meant, when he did, he froze. Jim instantly sensed the change in mood, and forced himself to slow down, the fingers that had begun a gently probe towards Blair's ass stopping short.

"Blair?" Concern struggled with heated desire in Jim's blue eyes, and the very attempt to hold back tilted Blair's mind. If he couldn't trust Jim, he couldn't trust anyone. And he wanted to meet his partner's needs...that was all he'd ever wanted. To take care of Jim.

"I'm OK," he panted. "I...don't we need..." he struggled for an explanation that made sense, discovering something he was stunned to have forgotten.

Jim understood instantly. His jaw tightened with the effort it took to pull back, but he did. He was on his feet in an instant, and across the room a moment later. He returned quickly, a small tube clutched in his hand.

Leaning down to give Blair another kiss, he whispered again.

"Blair, are you sure? We don't have to..."

"No," Blair smiled. "I want to. Teach me how to make love with you, Jim. Please!"

Jim returned the smile, but didn't hurry to complete the act. Instead, he took time to bring them both back to full arousal. He kissed his way down Blair's torso, sighing softly as Blair's hands sought him out in return. He found Blair's hardened nipples and tasted the small brown nubs, moaning into Blair's skin as Blair's own fingers matched the caresses. When they were both straining with need, blood pounding in their veins, only then did Jim urge Blair to turn over onto his stomach.

Blair went willingly, letting Jim position him, his body relaxed with ultimate trust. Jim rewarded him with loving caresses, working him towards consummation inch by inch. He tasted and stroked the small opening to Blair's body, until Blair was shaking with need, stunned by his own body's response to an unfamiliar kind of touch.

He gasped aloud, urging Jim to get on with it. Jim chuckled, but obeyed, rubbing hand-warmed lubricant into the small crevice, followed by one finger and then another. Blair tensed, uncertain what to expect, and Jim slowed instantly.

"Shh, you have to relax. Relax and trust me."

Blair went limp, and suddenly the slide of fingers within him was easier. It felt strange, flesh stretched unusually, but not uncomfortably. Jim probed him deeper, twisted his fingers, and something fiery sparked inside Blair.

"Oh God...Jim!" he moaned, arcing backwards to encourage more of the delightful new sensation. Jim gave him more, then abruptly withdrew, leaving Blair trembling with the loss.

And then he was back, covering Blair with his presence, a hard pressure working its way into Blair's body. It came gently, but it was so big...Blair felt for a moment like he was being split apart. It struck home, and pain swelled.

He cried out.

"Shhh...wait..." Jim breathed into his ear, stilling above Blair who gasped for breath. The moment hovered...endless and instantaneous, and then the pressure receded just enough to allow Blair to breathe. He relaxed slightly, and what had seemed like pain eased into a shock of pleasure. He moaned, and Jim finally began to move.

"Easy, easy, relax lover..." Jim encouraged in hoarse whisper, as he slowly pulled out, then slid back in. That same electric shock of pleasure broke loose from an internal bundle of nerves and Blair gasped, his body shivering with the need to feel that again.

The rhythm was rough at first, but they settled into a simpler motion in time, their bodies matching to each other. Then it was nothing but a sea of pleasure, ecstasy flowing along their veins, building to a crescendo in their ears, exploding into their groins and out in a mutual flood of release. Blair tumbled first, his body squeezing Jim's from him in response. They cried out in harmony, then collapsed, entwined.

Jim's exit from his body felt as though something was tearing loose from him. Blair felt abruptly empty, alone. He moaned, and was instantly gathered up into a tight embrace. Jim turned onto his side against the back of the couch, drawing Blair against him as he moved. Blair twisted around to bury his face in Jim's expansive chest, sighing as steel arms closed around him.

"You all right?" Jim asked, nuzzling the top of Blair's head.

"Mmmm hmmm," Blair murmured, already drifting off to sleep. All right didn't begin to cover it, but he was too exhausted to say so. Talking was for tomorrow, preferably after they'd done this at least one more time. And best of all, he didn't have to worry about whose name he had called out in the moment of ecstasy ... for this time he'd gotten it just right.

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