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Crazy from the fur

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Crazy from the fur

by Monica

Rating: PG13

Categories: Humor

Sequel/Series: Part of my series "The Spirit Guides who came to dinner". The first story is "Strange Rescue". After that, the stories don't follow any particular order....yet.

Disclaimer: All things related to The Sentinel belong to PetFly and Paramount. This story is strictly for fun and not profit.

Thanks to Alex and DarkCherry for wonderful help and beta-reading. I could not have done it without you guys J Double thanks to Alex for kindly hosting my story on her webpage. Be sure to read her terrific stories! Her site address is http://www.squidge.org/~stageira/alex/index.html

This is for Alex, who requested a story with the Spirit Guides driving Jim crazy. Thanks for the challenge, hon. J Spirit Guide story challenges almost always cheerfully accepted <hint, hint>

Summary: The Sentinel needs to vent his feelings about the animals in his life.


Crazy from the fur
By Monica
Debland2@hotmail.com

"We're back. This is radio station KGCR and this is Pet Talk. I'm Veterinarian Doctor Steve, taking your calls about pet care. On the phone now we have Bob, who has one cat and one dog. Hello Bob. How can I help you today?"

"Yeah, Doc. It's the animals- they're making me crazy."

"Can you be more specific, Bob?"

"God, where do I start? They show up just to eat and cause trouble, they pick on me, and they never listen to me, but fall all over Bla-- my roommate, to make him happy."

"Well, Bob, so far it sounds like some discipline or training issues. Which one would you say is causing the most difficulty?"

"The cat. No doubt about it."

"Can you give me an example?"

"Shredding. He shreds only when I'm around, and only because he knows it bothers me. He never sheds any other time."

"Most cats do shed, especially indoor cats. Do you brush him?"

"Brush him? Hell, no. I tired once- I was trying to be nice- and he ate my sandwich."

"Err... your sandwich?"

"Tuna fish. He can smell it a mile away. He always shows up when I'm opening a can of tuna. Or when I get deli take out. Then he just sucks up long enough to steal it."

"You should just take it away from him, Bob. It's hardly good food for a cat."

"I'm not taking anything away from him without a gun in one hand. He was playing with my basketball once when I was going to shoot hoops, and he knocked me down and wrestled me for it. When I finally got it away from him, it was useless- he punctured it!"

"Your cat punctured a basketball?"

"That's not the only thing. He tried to take a bite out of my truck tires, scratched the Hell out of a bookcase, and just yesterday he climbed up the railing to the upstairs and left claw marks everywhere! Mangy cat is hyper or something."

"Cats do get very restless without proper stimulation. Do you play with him so he gets some exercise?"

"Exercise? Except for when he's trying to destroy something, he just sits around and watches TV. Cooking shows, mostly. And he drools whenever they're cooking fish. He only gets up to take something else out of the refrigerator."

"He takes something....out, of the refrigerator?"

"Yeah. Surprised the Hell out of me the first time. But I know for a fact that the kitchen counter was clear when I went to bed, and when I got up the next morning the milk carton was sitting on the counter beside two empty cans of tuna fish."

"Empty cans?"

"Right."

<pause>

"Okay, Bob. Let's talk about the dog now."

"Well, he's a little bit better, I guess. But annoying as Hell. Always jumping around, sticking his nose in places where it has no business. Which brings me to the worst thing he does."

"Which is?"

"Well, uh, whenever I'm getting...romantic, with, with someone special, you know, he...he. Christ. He watches! You have any idea what's it's like to be in the middle of kissing and look up and see that face looking at you? Damn thing is voyeur."

"Well, it's not unlike having children. Pets are a responsibility and sometimes they just get curious."

"Curious? He thinks I'm-I'm hurting Blair. Whines and growls and stares the whole time."

"Bob, I'm hearing a lot of issues and problems here. Let's try to narrow it down a bit. The main thing is discipline. You really need to establish boundaries and set limits on your pets."

"How, Doc?"

"Well, put the dog in a separate room as a signal it's quiet time. And you must be firm about the cat's diet and not give him snacks."

"But I don't! He steals the food."

"Then try another cat food brand. He's just not getting what he needs from his current diet."

"Well, I...Hey! Have you...Shit!"

"Bob? Is something wrong?"

"It's them, Doc. They were hiding! They've been listening to every word we've said!"

"Now, Bob-"

"Don't give me that look, you mangy cat! Damn, Doc. What can I do?"

"Bob, listen to me. Calm down. It's not as if they understood what you were saying."

"The Hell they didn't! Now-Hey! Give me that sandwich back, you damn thief. I'm telling you, don't even look at the refrigerator."

"Bob, I'm afraid that our time is up. But I would like to make a suggestion. After a few commercials, my colleague is up next and he is a psychiatrist. I'm sure that we can arrange for you to hold and-"

"Gotta go, Doc. Damn cat just opened the refrigerator again. Where did I put my gun? Sandburg!!"

<click and dial tone>

<pause>

Bob? Bob, are you there?"

<another pause>

"Well, now listeners. I am sure that Bob will adjust and seek the help that he so obviously needs. In the meantime, please remember to have your pets spayed or neutered. This is Veterinarian Doctor Steve, signing off. And thank God for that."

The End