THE NEW ADVENTURES OF HOWARD THE DUCK
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Howard is 20 years old and wears a jacket and jeans. Instead of cigars, he smokes cigarettes. And no, there aren’t any duck puns, attempted beastility or duck tits to be found in this story.
Let us begin:
In the planet of Duckworld, everyone is a 3 foot anthropomorphic duck. It’s just like Earth, only with no people to be found. Everything is all duck related. Movies and TV shows starring ducks and no meat whatsoever. Although bread is very popular.
On this planet, there lived a 20 year old white duck called………. Well y’know. Howard is a sleazy, lazy bastard who would rather sit on his feathered ass and watch TV and movies and smoke weed.
He is also known for being a stud and has his share of much female tail. Unfortunately, he would be in the middle of relationships and his habit of cheating would ruin them. He is basically a duck version of Scott Pilgrim.
He has no ambition in his life whatsoever.
But that’s about to change.
Today, Howard was having the worst day of his life.
And it wasn’t going to get any better.
In an alleyway, somewhere in New York, a porthole opened and what shot out of it, our feathered and sex crazed hero.
Howard landed on the ground all dazed.
He couldn’t believe what was happening to him today.
He looked around in fear. Everything was so big, the building, the people and even the food.
As he was about to leave the alleyway, 3 thugs arrived.
“Hey, little guy, escape from the zoo?”
Howard tried to run away, but the punks circled him and he was trapped.
“You’re a big bird, ain’t ya?” sneered another one of the punks.
“You’re gonna make us lots of dough,” sneered the third as he and the others grabbed Howard and held him up.
They were going to take him to the slaughter.
But just before they could leave, web came out of nowhere and hit one of the punks in the face.
They dropped Howard on the ground and another web shot out and attached onto Howard’s back.
The web brought him up to a wall where there was a massive spider’s web. Howard found himself stuck in it.
“Argh! Giant spiders!”
But fortunately for him, the web didn’t come from a spider, but a man dressed in red and blue.
Yep, it was Spidey.
Spidey shot out more web and wrapped the punks into a cocoon. After that, he climbed up the wall and up to Howard in the web.
“You okay, dude?” he asked him.
“Y-yeah,” answered a frightened Howard.
So Spidey grabbed Howard and web slinged back to his apartment.
When they got through the window, Spidey put Howard down on the sofa. Then Spidey took his mask off to reveal he was Peter.
“Where are you from?” he asked the duck.
So Howard showed Peter pictures on his Smartphone (yes, they have these in Duckworld, only smaller) and Peter saw pictures of his duck friends all hanging out. Howard also explained how he got here, which will be revealed later in a short while. Be patient, folks.
“I think I know one person who can help you,” said Peter as he began to dial his Smartphone.
15 minutes later, a guest arrived outside Peter’s window.
“Hello Peter Pants.”
It was Wade Wilson. Peter opened the window and let him in. Wade saw Howard and they both greeted each other.
“Wade, I need you to take Howard into the Mansion and have Dr Grey read his mind,” said Peter.
“Oh, dude,” whined Wade. “You know how I feel about those assholes. Okay, I’ll do it on condition that we can hang out more.”
“Deal,” said Peter.
So, Wade and Howard took a cab to the Mansion. The cab driver and the people on the street all stared at the duck. Howard got annoyed and rolled the window down.
“Yeah, I’m different from you all! What are you going to do about it?”
And he flipped them the bird (sorry, I couldn’t resist) and closed the window.
“Well, Howard, that’s New Yorkers for ya,” said Wade. “Something wrong, cabbie?”
The cab driver shook his head and continued to drive.
The cab arrived at the Mansion and Howard and Wade left the vehicle.
“Screw you very much,” said an annoyed Howard.
He and Wade made their way up to the Mansion. Wade knocked on the door and it opened to reveal Scott Summers.
“Hey, cool shades,” complimented Howard.
“Thanks man,” said a surprised Scott. “Do you have an appointment, Wade?”
“Well, let me put it like this, red eyes,” began Wade. “Either we come in, or I will have to kick you in the nuts so hard, your eyes will pop out.”
So Scott let them in. Wade explained that Howard needed Jean to read his mind. Jean accepted and allowed Howard into her classroom. Wade was about to follow him, but Jean stopped him.
“Just the duck,” she said sternly.
“Ever want to read my mind, sometime?” asked Wade.
“No, I would be too frightened,” answered Jean.
“Actually, I think you’d like it,” said Wade.
Jean closed the door and Wade was left standing in the corridor and the students walked past him.
“Deadpool!” cried a happy voice.
“Oh shit,” groaned Wade as he saw Colossus heading toward him with a happy grin on his face.
“Hello, Captain Planet on steroids,”
Howard sat down on a chair and Jean stood in front of him with her hands out.
“I should remind you, doc,” said Howard. “I never had my mind read before. This is my first time.”
“There’s a first time for everything, Howard,” said Jean as she slowly placed each hand on the sides of Howard’s head.
In Howard’s mind, she could see Duckworld. Everybody was all minding their business; shopping, working, ducklings going to school, etc.
And then, a silver naked bald man on a surfboard arrived from the sky and flew toward the ground at top speed. As he hit the ground, he created a massive explosion and left a massive crater. Then he flew out of the hole and stopped in mid-air.
He then looked at all the startled ducks and said “Enjoy this day, for it is your last.”
Then he flew off into space.
Jean then could see the next day. All the ducks on the planet were doing their usual activities, until, they could something blocking the sun.
An eclipse? No, it was a giant cyborg about 1000 feet tall. Every duck on that planet stood in fear as they saw this giant cyborg towering over them.
Every duck, including Howard were in fear. This was the end for them and Duckworld.
Until, a massive spaceship came out of the sky and landed on the ground.
Out of the ship came out five figures. A man with a red jacket and silver mask with red eyes who named himself “Star Lord”, a green woman with long black hair and dressed in black leather called Gamora, a bald muscular man that was grey all over with hints of red, a small anthropomorphic raccoon named Rocket, and a strange tree like creature who kept introducing himself over and over and over.
“I am Groot.”
The five of them were rescuers and they brought the terrified ducks onto the massive ship.
Since Duckworld was a very small planet, the ship was able to fit most of them in.
More ships arrived all over the planet to let every single duck in that country in.
In Howard’s are, he noticed that there was a terrified duckling who was too scared to move.
He ran over to the duckling and picked her up.
As he brought her over to the ship, there was no room left.
Howard made a choice.
He brought the girl into the ship and that was it. No more room left.
“Howard!” cried Howard’s girlfriend Gloria. “Howard!”
“No, Gloria!” cried Howard. “Besides, I’m sorry for what I did to you.”
Gloria looked at him in tears.
He then ran away from the ship and it took off and flew away from the planet. Gloria was crying her eyes out.
Star Lord had an idea.
As the planet began to explode and shake violently, Howard knew he had made the ultimate sacrifice.
“I love you all,” he said with tears in his eyes. “I’ve been a moron, but I won’t bother anyone, anymore.”
He stood there and closed his eyes. He awaited his doom.
Star Lord opened his window and threw out a sort of capsule. As it hit the ground, a strange orange sort of porthole appeared.
Howard decided to jump inside it, just in the nick of time.
As the ship flew out of the planet, Duckworld exploded.
All the ducks looked out of the window in despair.
Back in Jean’s classroom, she got out of Howard’s mind. The duck stared back at her in tears.
A teary eyed Jean looked back at him and gave him a huge hug.
After Howard has a very well deserved 5 minute bawl, Jean realised something.
“You saw the silver man?”
“Yeah,” said Howard with a sniff.
“There had been reports of that silver man around the world,” said Jean. “I know someone in an organization that can help you. You will be reunited with you friends and family, Howard. I promise.”
Howard wiped the tears from his eyes.
Later, Wade took Howard back to Peter’s apartment. On the taxi ride home, everyone in the other cars all stared at Howard, which irked him very much.
Stan Lee stuck his head out of his car window and looked at Howard.
"Hey, that's a duck."
Howard looked back at him and said "Hey, that's a zombie. Go back to your grave where you came from."
Insulted, Stan pulled his head back in.
All the other drivers kept on looking at Howard, until he couldn't take it anymore. He stuck his head out and looked at the onlookers.
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT?” he roared.
Everyone looked away. Howard pulled his head back in. He was really upset.
"Wade, do people get stoned on this planet?"
"Do we ever!" Wade answered.
So Howard and Wade spent the afternoon on the sofa, drinking beer, smoking weed and eating snacks.
Peter looked at them in disgust.
“You do know this is my apartment,” he said.
“Dude, you promised to let me hang out with you more,” corrected Wade.
“Yes, but not if you’re smoking illegal drugs and making the place a mess,” said Peter.
“If we were married, you’d be the typical worrying wife,” said Wade.
“At least I would be the sensible one,” replied Peter.
Then Wade let out a massive fart.
“Oh for……………,” groaned Peter. “At least the duck is more hygienic.”
But then Howard let out an even bigger and nastier sounding fart that would even put Mr Methane to shame.
Peter went over and opened the window.
Wade put two Pringles in his mouth to make him look like he had a beak.
"Hey, who am I?"
"A stupid asshole with Pringles in his mouth," answered Howard as he slapped his hand on Wade's mouth crushing the Pringles.
Just then there was a knock on the door.
“I’d like to get the door, but I can’t reach the door handle,” said Howard.
“You’ve been smoking too much weed,” replied Wade. “That’s why you’re so short.”
“Thank you, Puff pastry face,” said Howard.
Peter went over and opened the door. There were two agents, a man and a woman.
“Is Howard here?” asked the man.
Howard and Wade got off the sofa and walked in front of the agents. Howard got scared.
“Oh no. You’re from that Area 51 place. You’re gonna cut me open and experiment on me. Well…….. I’m not going without a fight.”
Howard was holding onto a beer bottle. He smashed it in half against a wall and pointed the sharp end at the agents.
“No, Howard,” said the woman. “We’re from a crime fighting organization called S.H.I.E.L.D. We got a call from the X Mansion saying that you know about the silver figure.”
“Okay,” said Howard giving the broken beer bottle to Peter. He almost gave him the sharp end, but Peter took the handle.
“If you like to follow us, Mr Duck,” said the man. “Director Fury would like to talk to you.”
“How is a movie director going to help me?” asked Howard.
Howard follow the man and woman out of the corridor. Wade was about to follow them, until the man held up his hand.
“Just Howard, Mr Wilson,” he said. “Also, open a window. Your farts are terrible.”
“That wasn’t me, that was the duck,” said Wade as he sadly went back into Peter’s apartment.
“Oh, if only I can become an Avenger,” sighed Wade.
“The only reason you want to become one is to hit on Agent Romanoff,” said Peter.
“But she’s so hot,” replied Wade. “I just realised that I have a thing for redheads; Miss Romanoff, Dr Jean Grey, Sonja and that blue naked chick. Plus Emma Stone.”
Howard got into the agent’s car and they drove him to an airport where there was a helicopter waiting for them.
They got into the helicopter and it took off.
Howard was excited. He had never been inside a helicopter before.
The helicopter took to the giant S.H.I.E.L.D aircraft carrier. As it landed, Howard couldn’t believe it. It was huge.
He and the agents went down the elevator and into the headquarters. All the Avengers were sitting around the desk; Tony Stark, Steve Rogers, Bruce Banner, Carol Danvers, Natasha Romanoff, Scott Lang, Thor, Clint Barton, Jennifer Walters and of course Director Nick Fury.
“Hello Howard,” greeted Fury. “Welcome to S.H.I.E.L.D.”
“Erm, hello,” said Howard as he got on a chair.
“Now, was the figure you’ve seen?” asked Fury as he pressed a button on a remote and a drawing of the silver surfer appeared on a screen.
“That’s him,” answered Howard.
“And this giant cyborg, did he look like this?” asked Fury as he pressed the button again. A drawing of Galactus appeared.
“Yeah, he destroyed my home,” said Howard, who then took his attention to Jennifer. Her entire skin was green. He then realised something.
“You were there.”
“What?” asked Jennifer.
“You were the one of the people who saved everyone on the planet,” answered Howard.
“No……….,” corrected Jennifer.
“Yes, you were,” said Howard. “And you were with that tree guy, the raccoon and the stupid dude who didn’t understand metaphors.
Then he looked at Scott.
“Star Lord?” asked Scott. “Sounds like a video game from the 80’s.”
Then Howard saw a photo of the Avengers on the wall, all of them were in their suits. Ant-Man was there in his silver mask and red eyes.
“Is that you in the mask?” asked Howard.
“Yeah, but…….” began Scott.
“You’re Star Lord,” said Howard. “We’re are my friends and family.”
“Howard,” began Fury. “I’m afraid those are not the ones who saved your kind.”
“But they……..” said Howard.
“I think you’re referring to these people.”
Fury pressed the button and a drawing of the Guardians of the Galaxy appeared.
“I never been into space before, Mr Duck,” said Scott.
“And I never wore leather before,” said Jennifer.
Howard was devastated.
“Did they send you here, Howard?” asked Fury.
So Howard told them the whole story.
“Well, we have reports of the silver figure seen around the world causing craters,” began Fury. “If we can catch this figure, we can interrogate him.”
“What if he doesn’t speak English?” asked Steve.
“If course they speak English,” said Tony. “They all do for some reason. Our duck friend can speak it………. For some reason.”
“Well, would you prefer if I spoke like this?” asked Howard as he let out a few quacks and gave Tony a dirty look. “Jerk.”
“That reminds me,” said Carol as she got up and made her way to the canteen.
“Get rid of it!” she cried to the chefs.
“Rid of it what?” one of them asked.
“That cooked duck!” cried Carol.
One of the chefs immediately lifted the duck from the fryers and took it outside with him.
“Oh, and I spent all day cooking it,” groaned another chef.
“And the eggs, them too! Get rid of them!” cried Carol.
One of the chefs lifted the tray of eggs out and took it out also.
Carol then went out and using the beams from hr hands, she blasted the cooked duck and eggs into oblivion.
Inside, Howard wanted to know what the noise was.
“What are they doing out there?” he asked.
“It’s Carol doing target practice,” answered Tony.
As Tony and Bruce brainstormed about how to catch the Silver Surfer, Howard told the others about his planet and how he was anxious about his friends and family.
“Couldn’t we send a message to this ‘Star Lord’?” asked Natasha.
“We could get in touch with Reed Richards,” answered Jennifer.
Natasha began to dail Reed on her Smartphone.
At the Baxter building, Reed got the name of the planet from Natasha.
“Duckworld?” he asked himself. “I wouldn’t know where to begin. But if you capture the silver figure, he might tell us where it is. Maybe then I could contact the Guardians as well.”
But at S.H.I.E.L.D, there was a news report on the TV about the silver figure flying around Mexico.
Tony and Bruce had gathered the whole team, including Howard around the desk.
“Now this is just us pulling this idea out of our asses,” began Tony. “But what if we separate the man from the board.”
“We have a notion that the surfboard might be the source for this figure’s power,” said Bruce. “Perhaps we could use Dr Jean Grey and Susan Storm to use their psychic abilities to help achieve this.”
“It’s worth a shot,” said Fury. “Thor, you’re going on this mission along with Dr Jean Grey and Susan Storm.”
So, a chopper was going to be sent to Mexico. Dr Jean Grey and Sue Storm had been asked and agreed to help. Using the Fantasticar, Sue flew up to the S.H.I.E.L.D aircraft carrier. She and Jean got into a chopper with Thor and other S.H.I.E.L.D soldiers and it took off.
Along the way, they could hear muffling coming from a large S.H.I.E.L.D box. It sounded like someone was inside.
Thor opened up the crate to reveal it was none other than…….
“Oh hey, Hulk Hogan. Nice to meet you.”
“Wade Wilson,” said Jean in disgust.
“Hello, ladies,” greeted Wade as he got out and walked over to sit between Jean and Sue. Jean was in her leather catsuit and Sue was in her dark blue suit. Wade put his arms around them.
“How the hell did you get on board?” asked Sue.
“Well, my sexy tight suit wearing sex bomb,” Wade began to answer. “I just bribed one of these guys to take me on board. Besides, I’m helping Howard. He’s my new best buddy. And since this silver bastard has destroyed his planet, I’m going to help, whether you people like it or not.”
There was a camera inside the chopper and the Avengers, plus Howard could see everything.
“Well, he could be used as a human shield,” said Tony.
The chopper arrived in Mexico City. Wade stepped out.
“Ah, Meh-hig-go,” he praised. “Home of my two favourite things; Chimichangas and Jessica Alba.”
“Jessica is not Mexican,” corrected Jean. “She’s from Mexican descent, but she’s American.”
“Ah shit!” groaned Wade. “Oh well, no-one’s perfect.”
So Wade suited up into Deadpool and he and the others made their way to the City. Deadpool walked between Jean and Sue and placed his hands on their asses. Using her psychic power, Jean manage to toss Deadpool away to a dumpster.
When they walked into the city center, everyone exclaimed over Deadpool’s outfit, since it reminded them of Mexican wrestling costumes.
Then Deadpool saw pinatas of Donald Trump being whacked.
That would make anyone happy.
Then something caught everyone’s eye. The Silver Surfer was flying across the sky. It looked like it was aiming for a field nearby.
All the S.H.I.E.L.D soldiers, plus Thor, Deadpool, Jean and Sue all ran out to the field.
They made it before the Surfer, as he was just flying above them.
One of the S.H.I.E.L.D soldiers had a i-pad and was filming everything live to the S.H.I.E.L.D aircraft carrier. The Avengers, plus Howard watched.
Thor stood in the middle of the field.
The Surfer flew down and faced him.
“Stranger, you are attempting to destroy this planet to please your master,” began Thor. “You destroyed a poor Duck’s home, but if you will ever want to destroy my planet, you’ll have to get past me.”
“Very well,” said the Surfer. “I’ll allow you to strike first.”
“Don’t mind if I do,” said Thor as he just hammered the Surfer in the face.
A blast came from the tip of the board and shot Thor across the field.
Deadpool pulled out his pistols and pointed them at the Surfer.
“No, you could kill him,” said Jean. “We need him alive to explain everything.”
“Ohhhhhhhhhhhh,” whinned Deadpool. “No fair.”
The Surfer was about to fire another blast, and as he did, Sue stood in front of him and using her force field, she made the blast stand in mid-air.
Jean held out her hand and used her telekinesis to try to lift the Surfer off the board.
But his feet would move off the board. Sue couldn’t hold on much longer, blood started to come out of her nose. So was Jean.
“Hey, T-1000,” began Deadpool. “I know exactly why you kill people. You have no penis. You suffer from Penis Envy.”
The Surfer looked at him in confusion.
“Tell me, dude, does this make you angry?” asked Deadpool as he pulled down his zipper and whipped it out.
The Surfer stood there in shock.
Thor jumped out from the Surfer and whacked him off the board.
The Surfer flew off and landed on the ground.
The soldiers grabbed the board and put it inside one of the crates. Thor lifted up the Surfer and another soldier put handcuffs on him.
Deadpool ran over to Sue and Jean who were both weakened by the strong power of their psychic abilities.
“You two okay?” he asked them.
“Yes, we’ll be fine in an hour,” said Jean.
“You can put it back in now,” said Sue.
Deadpool put it back in and pulled up the zipper.
“Well, what do you know?” said Fury. “He is useful. Just for the wrong reasons.”
“Hey, Howie Mandel,” Deadpool said to Howard on the ipad. “That’s twice you owe me.”
“How do I owe you twice?” asked Howard.
“Well, Warwick Davis, how about farting and putting the blame on me ,” answered Deadpool.
So, the S.H.I.E.L.D soldiers helped put the Surfer and the board into the chopper, and along with Deadpool, Jean, Sue and Thor, they headed back for the S.H.I.E.L.D aircraft carrier.