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February 2008

 

"You nervous?" Jessica asked as she came to stand by Avery in front of the mirror that Avery was getting ready at and Avery felt herself blush as she looked at her sister who obviously looked way more put together than she was. But then again Jessica always looked better at times, always going out of her way to be little miss perfect in every way.

"Maybe," Avery shrugged as she looked down and away from the look Jessica was giving her in a mirror. "I mean it's just a date with Jeremy."

Jessica laughed softly as she put her arms around Avery which made Avery look back up at her sister, locking eyes with her in the mirror. "But it's your first official date with him," she said putting an emphasis on her words. "You guys are officially boyfriend and girlfriend and not best friends and it's Valentine's day and everything has to be daunting right now."

Avery fell silent at that because in the end Jessica did have a point. Everything was incredibly daunting right now. Because the idea of this date scared her and Avery was sure it wasn't just because of the fact that it was her first official date with Jeremy. It was probably because it was her first official date period and Cordelia and Juniper had both teased her relentlessly today when they had met up for lunch, mainly because both girls had found it funny she was even going on a date with a boy.

Because as Avery had found out, her two closest friends in the world had apparently thought she was like them and a lesbian. But of course Avery wasn't...she'd know if she was right?

Yeah maybe she hadn't entirely been into guys much or found boys all that appealing but she'd know if she wasn't attracted to them. Though deep down a part of her wasn't sure she was really attracted to Jeremy. But she had a deep love for him, one that came from being friends for so long and her love for him had to prove that she was straight.

She wasn't a lesbian regardless of what Cordelia or Juniper said to her. There was just no way that even her own internal gaydar was off about herself. Except that right now as she stood in front of the mirror with Jessica a part of her wasn't wishing or hoping that Jeremy would be the one coming to pick her up soon.

A part of her wanted Cordelia to be the one who was picking her up tonight..who she'd be spending this rather cliche fucking holiday with and it could have been Cordelia, since Juniper had a date with some girl who was in an art class she took.

Cordelia had even offered to come and pick Avery up and take her to her house so they could have some indie movie marathon but then Avery had mentioned her date as well as the fact that she and Jeremy had upped the stage in their relationship and those plans had been dashed and maybe she was wrong but she had thought she saw a look of disappointment pass Cordelia's face then but yeah, she was probably wrong just like Juniper and Cordelia were wrong about her.

"Avie?" Jessica questioned her voice bringing Avery out of her thoughts and Avery blushed because she realized she had totally zoned out on Jessica.

"Huh?" Avery questioned wondering what she had missed when she was zoned out.

Jessica laughed lightly as she pulled away from Avery, "Mom just hollered from downstairs," she revealed with a tiny smirk. "Jeremy's down here to pick you up for your date."

"Oh," Avery spoke though it came out as a whisper and she nodded softly as she did a once over of herself in the mirror before turning to leave her room and as she left the room, she felt nauseous and like she was going to physically be sick. But of course she had to keep reminding herself, that no, she wasn't.

This was just Jeremy and she knew him. Had known him for so long and they were just going to dinner and a movie so she wasn't going to be sick. She could get through this first date with her first boyfriend.


 

Sitting silently in Jeremy's car outside of her house a few hours later, Avery stared awkwardly out of the window not sure what happened now that the date was done and she was back home.

The date had went well even if the whole time Avery just felt like it was wrong to even call it a date. It was just hanging out with Jeremy. The boy who had been her friend for years now and it didn't feel any different even if it probably should have. Nor did she feel any different towards him.

He was still someone she loved deeply because he had been there for so long but she still couldn't quite shake the feeling that she would rather have spent Valentine's Day with Cordelia instead of with the boy who was now her boyfriend. The boy who had actually been sweet during the date.

He had pulled her chair out at the restaurant and he had tried to keep her engaged in conversation though Avery knew she probably hadn't been the best. Not when somehow something in the pit of her stomach just felt off and not when she was too busy thinking of a girl who she probably shouldn't have been because she wasn't a lesbian...couldn't be a lesbian.

"I had fun tonight Avie," Jeremy spoke and that brought Avery out of her thoughts as she turned to look at him. "I was so nervous tonight would be horrible but it wasn't so bad and I really had fun."

"Wasn't so bad?" Avery asked with a hint of a tease to her voice that surprised even her.

Jeremy shrugged his shoulders as he looked down and away from her gaze. "You just seemed off for a bit tonight but I think you came around by the time we were almost done eating and you definitely seemed okay at the movies."

Blushing at Jeremy's words Avery was rendered speechless because she hadn't realized just how obvious her discomfort had been at first. It was something that made her feel a bit guilty now. More so than she already did because hell she was probably the world's most horrible date or the worst that Jeremy had, had.

Which well Avery wasn't entirely sure how many dates he had before her to begin with. Even if they had been friends forever she had just never been interested in his dating life which was funny since she was now his girlfriend.

"I'm..." Avery started but watched as Jeremy shook his head no.

"Don't apologize okay," Jeremy smiled at her his blue eyes shining some. "It was your first date and of course you were nervous. I get it. It was mine too so I wasn't the best date either but there is always next time."

Nodding her head Avery kept repeating the words next time in her head and the sick feeling she had before the date came back. It was sad to admit but the thought of a next time was something she was already dreading.

Before she could reply back to him though Avery sat there frozen as she watched Jeremy inch closer and before she could even protest his lips were on hers in a kiss. A kiss she should have seen coming and not just because of him inching closer but because didn't most people kiss at the end of a date?

Though it was also a kiss that Avery felt no spark with. The sad reality was she felt nothing not even when she closed her eyes. Especially not with her eyes closed because then all she saw was images of Cordelia in her mind. A laughing happy ecstatic Cordelia and it just ruined the moment because Avery realized then and there that maybe she was attracted to Cordelia even if she was straight.

Maybe she was at least partly gay for her one of her girl best friends.

Pulling away from the kiss, Avery just stared at Jeremy before unbuckling in a hurry. "I should go," she muttered out not even looking at him as she quickly exited his car and ran inside.

She knew it probably wasn't the best idea. To just take off running like that but the realization that she was more than likely gay for Cordelia was again enough to make her stomach uneasy and she needed to get to the bathroom.

Making it there she shut the door in a hurry before bending over and losing the contents of whatever she had eaten last. Most likely the popcorn from the movie theater and after she had gotten sick she flushed the toilet though she stayed on the floor, feeling tears threatening to come out.

There was no way she could be attracted to Cordelia because that would mean at least being five percent gay and there was no way Avery could be any gay. She may have hung around two lesbians who were her best friends but she couldn't be...her family, her siblings and her parents...they'd never accept her if she were gay.