"Have sex with your padawan, you should."
Qui-Gon nearly tripped. "What?"
Master Yoda stopped, turning to look up at him. "Heard me, you did."
"I just could not believe you would suggest such a thing. He's a boy."
"Turn seventeen tomorrow he does. Of age, he will be."
"Barely. But his chronological age isn't the point and you know it. He'll still be my padawan."
"Very responsible, he is."
"Yes, but it is my job to teach him."
"My point, that was."
"Teach him to be a Jedi."
"Restless, he is. Needs grounding, he does."
"Restless energy can be worked off with activities other than sex."
Qui-Gon breathed a sigh of relief, perhaps his master was agreeing with him for once.
"But provide grounding lightsaber practice does not."
"And sex does?"
Qui-Gon sighed. "I'm sure there is someone among Obi-Wan's peers who can ground him, Master."
"When were you last on Coruscant?"
"Ten months ago." Qui-Gon grumbled, knowing exactly where his master was heading with this.
"When do you leave again?"
"When will you be back?"
"I don't know."
"Have time with his peers Obi-Wan does not. Need closeness, he does. Need intimacy. Only person who can provide it, you are."
"I'll think about it, Master." He said, more to appease his master than because he really intended to consider the idea.
"Don't think, Qui-Gon, act."
Qui-Gon watched his padawan pace. It was only their third day aboard the transport and already Obi-Wan's restlessness was making him crazy. "Will you sit down, Padawan?"
Obi-Wan dropped gracefully to the floor and sat.
Qui-Gon smiled his approval and returned his attention to the datapad in his hand. He could almost feel Obi-Wan twitching. He looked at his apprentice; the young man wasn't moving, but the control required to keep still was evident in every muscle. "Why don't you read something?"
"I finished my lessons for today."
"For pleasure, Obi-Wan. Why don't you read something for pleasure?"
Obi-Wan retrieved his datapad and settled back on the floor. Qui-Gon watched him for a moment before returning his attention to his own reading.
He was moving his lips. Qui-Gon tossed aside his own datapad. "Padawan."
"Would you like to have sex?"
"Ummm, yes, someday," Obi-Wan stammered.
"I meant now, with me."
"What?" Now he was shocked.
"Would you like to have sex with me?"
"I heard you. I just can't believe…"
"I didn't think you would." Qui-Gon picked up his datapad and resumed reading.
Obi-Wan resumed reading as well, and they sat in silence for several minutes. "I can't believe you would ask me like that, just 'would you like to have sex,' completely out of nowhere."
The master lowered his datapad, gazing at his apprentice. "How should I have asked you?"
"Not like that. I may be male and an adolescent, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't like a little romance."
"Romance? As in candlelight and soft music?"
"Nothing that elaborate. But would it have been to much of a bother to sit next to me, maybe touch my cheek, and tell me you care for me and find me desirable?"
"You are right, Obi-Wan. I'll do a better job of asking next time."
"Thank you." Obi-Wan resumed reading, his master did likewise. Several more minutes passed.
"Why did you ask me to have sex with you?"
"Yoda told me to." Qui-Gon continued his reading.
The outrage in his apprentice's voice caught his attention and Qui-Gon looked over at him. "Master Yoda suggested that I should consider having sex with you."
"Why?" Obi-Wan's voice sounded constricted, almost strangled.
"He thinks you are too restless."
"I see. Master Yoda thinks I'm restless and that you should have sex with me in order to cure this problem?" Obi-Wan's voice was dripping with sarcasm now, and Qui-Gon was becoming concerned. Sarcasm was frequently a sign of anger and every Jedi knows where anger leads.
"Basically." Qui-Gon kept his own voice calm, almost nonchalant. He had no wish to escalate the sudden conflict.
More strangling noises were coming from his apprentice's throat. "I. Cannot. Believe. You."
"Padawan." Qui-Gon put a hint of warning into his tone.
"You ask me to have sex for no more reason than because the little green troll told you to."
"Master Yoda is not a troll."
"What species is he?"
"I don't know. No one does, except Master Yaddle."
"Until he tells us his species I choose to refer to him as a troll."
"Obi-Wan, you are being petulant."
"You ask me to have sex because the troll tells you to and you wonder why I'm petulant?"
"I didn't wonder why you were being petulant. I simply observed that you were being petulant."
"And you are being annoying."
"Master!" Obi-Wan answered.
"If this is the reward I get for asking you to have sex with me, I won't be doing it again."
"What do you mean good?"
"Just that, good."
"Are you saying you don't want to have sex with me?"
"I don't want to have sex with anyone who does it only when his former master tells him to."
"I do not have sex only when Master Yoda tells me to."
"If you say so."
"I do." Qui-Gon picked up his datapad, read the same paragraph three times. "If Master Yoda hadn't told me to have sex with you, would you want to have sex with me then?"
Obi-Wan didn't look up from his datapad. "Maybe."
"It would depend on how you asked."
"Oh." A pause. "So you do find me desirable."
"I never said I didn't." Obi-Wan continued to look at his datapad.
"I find you desirable, Padawan."
"Nice? You think my desire for you is nice?"
Obi-Wan looked up at him, exasperated. "Fine. I am wildly flattered that a man as handsome, virile, and incredibly sexy as yourself would desire me."
"Who is the seducer here?"
"I am, I believe," Qui-Gon answered.
"You're the one who should be giving the compliments, then."
"I did compliment you. I told you I find you desirable."
"Fine. You complimented me." Obi-Wan resumed reading.
"You have a very fine ass."
"You have a very fine ass, Padawan."
"You call that a compliment?!"
"Well, yes. After all I told you something I find attractive."
"Has that line ever worked for you before?"
"I've never used it before."
"Good thing." Obi-Wan thought for a moment. "Master, have you ever actually had sex?"
"Ummm, well, no."
"Let me guess. Master Yoda never told you to before."
"I don't believe you. You disobey the Council all of the time, but you can't have sex unless the troll tells you to."
"I don't see why you're complaining. After all he told me to have sex with you."
Obi-Wan's expression turned thoughtful. "So he did, Master. So he did."
They both resumed their reading.
"Master, have I ever told you that your eyes are the most remarkable shade of blue?"