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Epic Rap Battles of History

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Yamcha!

Vs.

Renji Abarai!

BEGIN!

Yamcha:
I’m Yamcha the Bandit of the Desert Sand
When it comes to DB I’m the original man!
Why when it comes to DB I’m quite the O.G!
So when it comes to Shounen I’ve got lots of seniority!
I can easily take you down with my Wolf Fang Fist attack!
And you pine for a runt like Rukia, while my gal Bulma has quite the rack.

Renji Abarai:
I’m Renji, a Soul Reaper from the Soul Society.
You’ve got seniority? Yeah over how much can one fail in DBZ.
You really think you can beat me with your wolf fang fist?
Oh please, my Zabimaru can turn you into fine red mist.
Why in DBZ you’re one of the first guys to die.
While in my show I’m one of the first to show a Bankai!

Yamcha:
Really? That’s your comeback? Oh whoop-te-do!
Yeah you used your bankai, a lot of good that did you.
And yeah I know about Z but I remember back in my day.
I was so much better in DB which was a better show anyway.
Your cohort Chad has a better winning record on your show.
Not too mention a lot of fans ship Rukia with Ichigo.

Renji Abarai:
Oh yeah? Well IchiRuki maybe popular Fanon.
But you losing Bulma to Vegeta was flat-out Canon!
You love to think that you’re the original heart-throb.
But you’re just a scruffy loser who can barely hold down a job.
So sit down old man before my rhymes knock you down flat.
You should’ve stayed in the desert with your little blue cat.

Yamcha:
Oh this isn’t over yet, so don’t bother making any calls.
When it comes to energy control I’ve always got the bigger balls.
So you think you can still get Rukia? Well how would you know?
Kubo’s way too chicken to deal with the shippers who love your show.
So yeah I may’ve lost my chance to have Bulma for a wife.
But at least the folks in my show are allowed to have a love life.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Arthur Fonzarelli!

Vs.

John Bender!

Begin!

Fonzie:
Heeeeeey the Fonz is here, TV’s #1 Greaser Hunk.
Wasting his time with this sleazy 80s movie punk.
I’ve always got more class why I’m absolutely slick.
You on the other hand are just an absolute dick.
Hey Judd aren’t you a little old to be playing this role again?
Oh that’s right you were too old even back then!

Bender:
You really think that’s going to knock me out cold?
When your show ended you were almost 40 years old.
When it comes to being a bad boy you think you got game?
Oh please, compared to me you’re blatantly tame.
In fact over the course of the series you became such a “perfect” bore.
When you basically became ABC’s favorite man-whore.

Fonzie:
Oh please you’re a classic example of all bark and no bite.
Because unlike you I can actually win a fight.
I’m way more of a man than you so don’t doubt my beat.
Because I get way more booty than a toilet seat.
You’re a long-forgotten punk who smoked way too much pot.
Because when people think of Bender they think of the Futurama Robot.

Bender:
Oh you really think you got so much more purity?
And yet I’m lot less likely to have an STD.
When it comes to movie history I’ve certainly made my mark.
You on the other hand are known as Mr. “Jump the Shark”.
So yeah you may’ve had a lot more ladies that you would claim.
But how many of them can you actually name?

Fonzie:
Oh is that a little bit of jealously I detect?
Because unlike you I get a lot more respect?
But my life is not all fun I’ve done a lot of work.
My old mans no saint but that didn’t make me a complete jerk.
In fact your still way too hung up on your lousy family past.
Which is why your little fling with Claire is never going to last.

Bender:
Is that your best shot? Because that song really bites.
I want to grow up to be like you all I need is a lobotomy and some tights.
My movie gives me Claire as a potential future bride.
While a lot of my fans think I can get a little Basketcase by my side.
You think you’re better than me in everything that you do.
But that’s only because you’re such a God Mode Sue.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Princesses Peach & Daisy

Vs.

Emma the White Queen & Selene the Black Queen

BEGIN!

(Peach)
We are the Nintendo Princesses so you better run for cover!
(Daisy)
You two are so skanky, what’s next? You gonna make out with each other?
(Peach)
When it comes to royalty do you two even think you can compare?
(Daisy)
At least we don’t run around in our underwear.
(Peach)
You two more look like models from those Victoria’s Secret stores.
(Daisy)
More like High class society whores.
(Peach)
Seeing you two pose around in your undies does give us pause.
(Daisy)
Yeah over how much damage your doing to the feminist cause.

(Emma)
Oh you bratty little girls, we’re much more than our perfectly huge racks.
(Selene)
As we have far more powerful and deadlier attacks.
(Emma)
We are far much better at taking our opposition down hard.
(Selene)
So don’t bother playing that old feminist card
(Emma)
So you little brats is slut-shaming us truly a great and noble plan?
(Selene)
We can count your truly active roles with only one hand.
(Emma)
But then again your series’ storyline was never given much thought.
(Selene)
After all at least our fans are not afraid of a little thing called plot.

(Peach)
Hey! Your stories are not all that complex!
(Daisy)
The only kind of appeal you two go for is blatantly sex!
(Peach)
Especially you Emma ever since you keep trying to get in Cyclops’ business
(Daisy)
Mainly by trying to be his new #1 mistress
(Peach)
Your appearance and lifestyle is still rather obscene.
(Daisy)
Especially since you’re still with your old friends like Selene
(Peach)
In fact Emma why are you here with Selene, wouldn’t the X-Men get mad?
(Daisy)
Maybe Marvel finally realized she was better off staying bad.

(Emma)
Hey now I’m still maintaining my “Anti-Hero” status bub!
(Selene)
Besides she still has her roots with the Hellfire club!
(Emma)
When it comes to the Inner Circle I’m a tad bit more royal.
(Selene)
When it comes to the Hellfire Club I’m a tad bit more loyal.
(Emma)
Oh come on now Selene is this because I have a bigger role than you?
(Selene)
And yet a lot of the X-Men still think you’re a skanky shrew.
(Emma)
Hey now Selene we shouldn’t be too busy bringing up our past.
(Selene)
Your right Emma cause those two are going to go down fast!

(Peach)
Oh come now, we’re a lot better when it comes to royalty.
(Daisy)
And you both have a weak grasp of loyalty.
(Peach)
We know that you two have been feeling a lot of scorn.
(Daisy)
And that you both look like you’re from really sleazy porn.
(Peach)
Also unlike you two, Daisy and I are the best of Allies.
(Daisy)
And we are a lot more famous in our franchise.
(Peach)
So sorry you so-called queens your skanky corsets are far from all that.
(Daisy)
And what’s with the bickering are you two having a lovers spat?

(Emma)
Oh if I were you dear I wouldn’t be making that query!
(Selene)
Yeah you two are way more popular when it comes to Yuri.
(Emma)
Of course we know its jealousy because we are both easily a Double D.
(Selene)
When it comes to Cup Size you two would be lucky to at least be a B.
(Emma)
And you’re better royals than us Daisy? Are you that much of a Dunce?
(Selene)
We’ve seen you in your kingdom, like what? About once?
(Emma)
So don’t mess with us you brats, we’re the Queens of the Inner Circle.
(Selene)
Hey Peach, how often do you put out for that Plumber and Big Turtle?

WHO WON?!

WHO'S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Yusuke Urameshi!

Vs.

Ichigo Kurosaki!

BEGIN!

Yusuke:
Name’s Yusuke, the best Spirit Detective as you can see.
I’m battling you? Oh this will be way too easy.
When it comes to being a Japanese-styled punk I’m just too bad.
So why don’t you go back to bed with your boy-toy Chad.
I admit at first in your show you actually seemed to be kind of cool.
Until you became Soul Society’s favorite tool.
Face it I’m the Deadpool to your Deathstroke.
Except that you’re clearly the rip-off joke.
In fact I still wonder how did you came to be.
Especially since even Shounen Jump thought you were a rip-off of me.

Ichigo:
First of all if I were you I wouldn’t be so brash.
After all you have a longer history with Yaoi and slash.
My fame in the US and Japan is obviously greater.
After all your show didn’t arrive in the US until about a decade later.
I’m a pretty renowned Substitute Soul Reaper.
While your just a hot-headed violent little creeper.
In fact you’re just a little punk who only wants to fight.
It’s probably to compensate for your lack of height.
You think I’m a tool? Well isn’t that strange?
Coming from a guy who serves a boss that needs a diaper change.

Yusuke:
Really? With that sword of yours, you’re going to make cracks about compensation?
This is coming from a guy who’s too “small” to give a girl any penetration.
Oh I’m sorry were my lyrics a little too much?
How about that sexy cutie Orihime who you’d never touch?
What’s the matter “Itsygo” when it comes to girls are you too shy?
Since you and Orihime are like SJ’s Andy Bogard and Mai.
When it comes to how distant you are to her I won’t cut you any slack.
Especially since you’d never get your hands on Orihime’s really huge rack.
You are the main reason why Orihime would be better off doing Yuri.
Or are just saving yourself for your old pal Tatsuki?

Ichigo:
Hey! Keep these romantic issues to yourself bub!
What do you think this is the anime version of The Breakfast Club?
And lets not lose track here you horny little chump.
Let’s remember the true audience for Shounen Jump.
In fact guys like us have more important things to think about.
Even if it does make the shippers pout.
So get it through your head or is your head that thick?
Cause unlike you I’m not a sleazy little prick.
But before you continue to deem yourself a man-whore.
What about that girl Keiko who you’d often ignore?

Yusuke:
I do not! I mean yeah I know about the 1st 2 arcs but I’ve learned my lesson!
Bring that up again and I’ll blast you with my Spirit “Smith & Wesson”!
So your suppose to ignore women cause your in a shounen? Yeah that excuse will go far.
I’ll be sure to tell that to guys like Ken from Fist of the North Star.
Say what you want about how shippers can be far too rapid.
But saying that you’re a Shounen male lead as an excuse is far from valid.
I mean seriously man when it comes to being a Shounen star open your eyes!
You for the most part got replaced by some of Soul Society’s main guys.
One last thing your morals regarding women are slightly suspect.
Because ignoring their true feelings is hardly respect.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

RAPHAEL!

VS.

RAPHAEL!

Raphael (TMNT):
Oh great I get to deal with this fruity fop with moves like Jagger.
And this guy obviously has none of my swagger.
You think that sword is going to give my shell any penetration?
Oh please you more use that thing for compensation.
I’m easily one of the best Ninjas in my home town.
But even 80’s Toon Shredder can easily take you down.
So don’t bother going against me for I’m a master in witty verbal jabs.
And with these Sai I am also a master of lethal stabs.

Raphael (SC):
What on earth are you suppose to be? One of those Samurai Slugs?
Or have those CAS users been taking one too many drugs?
It’s such a shame that I must waste my time in one of these songs.
With this over-glorified “Frog with Salad Tongs”.
Your “witty verbal jabs” are awfully mild.
But what else would I expect from this petulant reptilian child?
I am truly the classiest swordsman that you will see.
Even beasts know when to give up. Wouldn’t you agree?

Raphael (TMNT):
Oh really? You think that with your fancy duds that you’re oh so chic?
With your many creepy habits you think that I’m the freak?
You were always nothing more than a Big Bad Wannabe.
Ever since for some reason you became a Vampire in Soul Calibur 3.
You know for such a swift swordsman you’re awfully slow.
You remind me of that prissy creep Walker who was never much of a foe.
You love to think of yourself as some refined aristocratic leader.
But with that little girl Amy you’re more of a pedophiliac creeper.

Raphael (SC):
Just for that I ought to give your soft-shelled hide quite the skewer.
You unholy abomination who reeks of manure.
However I can be a gambling man as I am willing to bet.
That my dear little Amy would love to have you and your brothers for a pet.
Are you angry that you would no longer have a female lizard for a mate?
Or would you prefer that Mask-wearing sociopath who’s awfully second-rate?
Are you envious of my regal lifestyle? Is that why you call me a creeper?
Or is it because unlike your brother Leo and I, you were never much of a leader.

Raphael (TMNT):
Oh you think your going to win this little rap bout?
Like that Kunoichi Taki I’m going to exorcize this demon out.
You are so obviously a Lolicon as it’s blatant to see.
Perhaps it’s a good thing your game series is rated T.
You finally became the new Nightmare in SC 5 right?
Then how come the Azure Knight isn’t here for this fight?
But hey judging from that monstrous knight’s past.
Trust me the idea of you being Nightmare’s new boy-toy wasn’t going to last.

WHO WON!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

ROY ROOSTER!

VS.

FOGHORN LEGHORN!

BEGIN!

Roy:
HEY KIDS! Roy here from U.S Acres as any 80’s kid would know
Was also in the classic Garfield & Friends TV Show
Watch me lay a verbal beat down on this old has-been bird.
Whose material is as fresh as an over 60 year old turd.
I can easily out-prank you any day of the week.
And any idiot can tell that I have the longer beak.
So c’mon you old hack I’ll show you how to rock.
I’ll show the world that I’m the bigger and better-looking cock.

Foghorn:
I say I say boy do sit down son.
Alright folks stick a fork in this turkey because he’s already done.
You’re calling me a has-been? Oh that’s rich, like your one to boast.
Your comic strip lasted like what? About 3 years at most?
Even amongst the other Looney Tunes I’m still quite the star.
If it weren’t for Garfield hardly anyone would know who you are.
I’m the Hens Hero as I’ve saved them from Hawks, Pumas and all the rest.
While everyone in your farm thinks you’re just a big pest.

Roy:
Hey I’ve done plenty of good deeds so don’t treat me like a crook.
You over-glorified loud mouthed schnook.
And you’re the hero of your farm? Oh that’s a laugh.
Of course I admit I’m speaking in the Barnyard Dawg’s behalf.
When it comes to attitude I can easily make you look like a sissy.
Besides the only Hen that wants you is little Miss Prissy.
When it comes to Toon Roosters its plain to see
That all your Hens would be better off with me

Foghorn:
Hey now boy Miss Priss maybe a little cluck.
While you would prefer to go with a Cowardly Duck
But don’t get me wrong boy I know there’s nothing wrong with that.
Why I’m sure you and Wade will get hitched in no time flat.
That’s a joke son, that’s a joke.
But hey its not like I’ve misspoke.
Son I’ve faced all sorts of cocky roosters like you in the past.
And trust me none of them ever did last.

Roy:
Oh man I can’t believe on how your rhymes are so flat.
And why do you pester that dog so much? Are you two having a spat?
So bring it on you rip off of Senator Claghorn.
After when I’m done with you, you’re going to feel a lot of scorn.
You are really old hat even back in my day.
This reminds me of the last thing I’m going to say
That it’s true that I’m often rude as can be.
But at least I’ve never sold out my kind to be in ads for KFC.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

RACHEL ALUCARD!

VS.

MARCELINE ABADEER!

Begin!

Rachel:
I am Rachel the head of House Alucard!
Rest assured discrediting you won’t be hard.
I am the ruler of my house with subjects who follow all my commands.
You call yourself a Queen yet you rarely ever govern your lands.
You suck “Red” instead of Blood, and you call yourself a Vampire?
And you call yourself Queen yet your father has yet to retire.
Face it you harlot you have the appearance of a teenage jailbait slut.
Who once had that hideously absurd Skrillex styled hair-cut.

Marceline:
Aw what’s the matter kid, jealous that I am more willing to play?
But don’t worry little girl I’m sure you will grow up someday.
You know maybe your efforts in fighting evil might not be so slow.
If you weren’t too busy abusing and confusing almost everyone you know.
It’s obvious to see how much of a prissy brat you can be.
When you make Princess Bubblegum look more like me.
Should I play with Ragna? Or perhaps I should aim a little lower.
Perhaps I can give a little nibble to that darling boy Carl Clover?

Rachel:
Look into my eyes you vulgar harlot witch!
Touch him and you’ll fear me more than the Lich!
But are you sure you are one to bring up young blond boys in this fight?
Or is it true that you prefer the taste of Bubblegum right?
You love to think that your figure is easier on the eyes.
And yet I’m the one who has a better history with guys.
So brag all you want about how you’re a lot more fun.
But at least I can be out and about in the sun.

Marceline:
Oh isn’t that cute, the little runt still thinks she has a prayer.
Even though she’s a weaker bratty Loli version of Slayer
Since when were you so proud to be a Vampire? I mean think about it.
There has only been like what, one guy that you have bit?
So sorry you little miss Siscon-Fetish.
Your chances in beating me are going to perish.
As I truly am the Queen of the Monster realm so don’t bother pulling any ranking.
So come here you little brat its time for a royal spanking.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

DEMITRI MAXIMOV!

Vs.

DRACULA! (Castlevania)

BEGIN!

Demitri:
I am Demitri Maximov the true Lord of the Night!
So this is the decrepit has-been that I must fight?
So Konami calls their main Vampire Dracula? Oh my, what an original name.
You give the rest of us Vampires nothing but shame.
You claim that you rule all the monsters upon your land.
Yet you’re constantly bested by a whip-wielding Leather Man.
The fact that you are constantly resurrected is undeniably true.
Even the Marvel Comics version of Dracula has a better track record than you.

Dracula:
Sit down you foolish boy this battle is far from done.
While you plot to be Ruler of the Night, I already am one!
I am the main villain of more Castlevania games than you can name.
While you became a secondary role after your first game
Some adaptations call you a villain and they are not quite wrong.
The only heroic thing you did was to fight the likes of Pyron.
You think you can become a true Vampire Ruler, oh please you petulant child.
Compared to me your demonic attacks are awfully mild.

Demitri:
Mild?! Who are you calling a child you so-called Vampire Lord?!
You would never last against my Demon Horde!
But trust me you arrogant old fool besting you won’t be too hard.
Don’t believe me? Ask you son Alucard.
And yes you are in a lot more games than I am that much I do know.
But that’s only because your series has a fairly strong status quo.
In fact I know the real reason why you keep your position as leader.
Because everyone knows you’re the boy-toy of the Grim Reaper.

Dracula:
Resulting to homophobic insults? Is that the best you can do?
Jealous that Morrigan would literally rather have some pussy than you?
You try to have sexual tension with that succubus Morrigan that much is true.
But she probably has more sex with beautiful maidens than you.
So you still want to pursue Morrigan Aensland then I suggest that in good health.
That you should go right ahead and “Midnight Bliss” yourself
You have a harem of beautiful maidens so lets talk about your son.
Oh that’s right, you have none!

Slayer:
Oh now now girls you both are pretty.
Too bad neither one of you fools are as witty.
I am Slayer of Guilty Gear fame. You both lack any sense of finesse.
When it comes to being a charismatically powerful Vampire I have a lot more success.
While you both try to rule with flames, demons and all sorts of nefarious plans.
I can defeat you both easily with only my hands.
I am the most powerful Vampire here as you can see.
When even Villain Sues like “That Man” would prefer to be civil to me

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Sub-Zero!

Vs.

Mr. Freeze!

BEGIN!

Sub Zero:
I’m Sub Zero the Grandmaster of the Lin Kuei!
My whole body is an ice weapon while you rely on an ice ray.
In fact is blasting people with an Ice Ray the only attack you can do?
Heh, no wonder why you didn’t show up in Injustice or MK vs. DCU
But trust me my rhymes will definitely knock you out cold.
So please spare us from the icy puns there Arnold.
But don’t worry; I remember what killed the Dinosaurs, the Ice Age!
But enough about that infamous magnet of Nerd Rage
But as for this battle it’s obvious to see…
That I am going to win this one with a…

MK Announcer:
FLAWLESS VICTORY!

Mr. Freeze:
So you are referring to “Batman & Robin”, is that the best you can do?
Yes I have been in a truly reviled movie in ‘97, so did you.
But I assure you that doubting my legacy is not all that smart.
For “Hearts of Ace” is widely known as a work of Saturday Morning Art!
Yes that Batman animated series episode has given me a lot of fame.
That show alone is far more renowned than what your series could ever claim.
But rest assured my powers can be quite chilling.
As ever since the 90s I am a truly famous Anti-Villain.
But yes it is true that you are the “Grand Master” of the Lin Kuei.
Well more like what's left of them anyway.

Sub Zero:
I so hate to ice rain on your old moment of Glory.
But you weren’t always known as the arctic Mr. Sob Story
In fact if I maybe so Brave and the Bold
That you were once just Batman’s version of Captain Cold
For such a “sympathetic villain” you hardly ever repent.
I’ve lost loved ones too but I don’t harm the innocent.
In fact you should seriously open your goggled eyes.
There’s a reason why unlike you I’m one of the good guys.
But tell me remember the time you spent on that Arkham City site?
So does anyone else think that Hugo Strange’s analysis was right?

Mr. Freeze:
You may think I am just a vile, cold-hearted stoic.
But glorified gory murder is hardly heroic.
Though I am aware that you are one of the good guys, that much is true
Yet I am far less likely to kill someone than you.
Oh but I understand that you are trying to atone from your old clan’s wrongs.
Even though they were nothing but over glorified pawns
Of course your series’ new storyline has made most of these points moot.
So keep that in mind you Tundra Brute.
So trust me I doubt that you are going to get that “flawless victory”.
But at least you stopped dressing like the Shredder from TMNT.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

SAILOR MARS!

VS.

AYANO KANNAGI!

Begin!

Sailor Mars:
I’m Sailor Mars the original Goddess of War!
Taking on this generic Tsundere Bore!
You have a whole bunch of issues like about a dozen.
Like your blatant sexual tension with your cousin.
I’m also a Shinto priestess, one of the finest in the land.
At least I’m more respected than you and your severely dysfunctional clan.
It’s such a shame that Miss Catherine McDonald isn’t here for this right?
At least she would put up a better fight.
But face it you whiny brat I am way more popular and famous than you.
I mean even the Otaku here are looking at ya going “Who?”

Ayano Kannagi:
Oh you did come from a famous show that much is indeed true.
At least it would be if this was 1992.
I’m a literally Red-Hot Fiery Red-Headed Chick!
While you rely on that little glowing red stick
And I do not have any sexual tension issues with Kazuma at all!
But I don’t know why you would bring up guys in this musical brawl.
I also have no idea why you would try to give Catherine any hype.
Oh is it because she is more your type?
I wouldn’t expect such naughty thoughts from such a refined Shinto Priestess.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself wanting to cheat on your wife, Sailor Venus.

Sailor Mars:
Oh Yuri jokes ah yeah that’s really clever.
But when it comes to Lesbian Subtext your not that much better
Especially with those two fan girls of yours who are constantly with ya, you know.
Oh I’m sure you three would make the finest threesome in your show.
And you like to show off more Firepower? A lot of good that’s done you so far…
When it comes to fire users you haven’t exactly raised the bar.
So you’re supposed to be the next heir to lead Japan’s Fire User clans?
Is your dad sure he wants to leave things to your so capable hands?
So tell me if your flame powers are suppose to leave me in awe.
Then how come you constantly need to be saved by Kazuma?

Ayano Kannagi:
Really? I’m getting a male-reliant lecture from one of the Sailor Scouts?!
And how many times Tuxedo Mask saved you all during your bouts?
Not too mention I have way more firepower with my blazing sword in hand.
So are you sure you still want to talk smack about my clan?
And don’t you dare bring my friends into this you Miko snob.
But then again looking down on others is practically your second job.
And I’m not a weakling! And Kazuma doesn’t make me useless!
At least when it comes to my friends I’m no Judas.
You are constantly mean to that poor girl Sailor Moon.
And you’re not exactly the most loyal soldier in her Sailor Platoon.

Sailor Mars:
First of all that’s an old English Dub issue on my show
I’m not exactly like that anymore in case if you didn’t know.
And you’re calling me a mean stuck up snob? Is that a part of your plan?
Considering all the stories about you and ESPECIALLY your arrogant clan?
And how many times Kazuma and your dad try to keep your ego in check?
When it comes to the people in your family your power is still just a speck.
Yeah you have a fiery sword that much I do know.
But with your skills it’s practically there just for show.
But when it comes to Magical Girl shows it’s obvious to see.
As to many folks I am the original Anime Fiery Beauty!

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

ANDY BOGARD!

VS.

LUIGI!

BEGIN!

Andy Bogard:
I am Andy Bogard of the Shiranui Clan.
My clan is easily one of the finest Ninja Clans in the Land.
I’m quite disciplined as a fighter, more so than most men.
As I have mastered the Shiranui Ninja Arts and Koppoken.
Within my battles I have shown my power.
While most of the time you’ve done nothing but cower!
You’re a weak-willed fool who’s lacking in spirit and mind.
As my skills are easily a lot more refined.
So beware of my might you buffoonish Italian Stereotype!
You and your brother were better off away from that pipe!

Luigi:
Its-a me Luigi! I’m a Number One!
My Video Game History is over 30 years strong!
I’m the king of Second Bananas from East to West.
You rank below Robert Garcia & Benimaru… at best.
Though I dunno why you want to bring up Brother Issues in your verse.
Since your issues with your brother are easily a whole lot worse.
I maybe in my brother’s shadow but I have proven myself as a Hero.
How many times have you saved the day? Oh that’s right, Zero!
So sorry you young Blond Ninja pretty boy for what I am saying is true.
I have had a whole year in games, what about you?

Andy Bogard:
You bring up that “Year of Luigi” are you that much of a Fool?
The only real difference is that you’ve become a marketing tool.
I’ve stayed by my brother’s side most of the time that much is true.
Mario has done plenty of adventures without you.
Still think you can defeat me? I wouldn’t be so resistant.
Since my powers and skills are a lot more consistent.
Oh I fear that this experience will end up making me feel dumber.
As I waste my time with this weak, inept plumber.
So of course I would win this fight as it would be a matter of principle.
I can easily defeat this pathetic bumbling imbecile.

Luigi:
Oh I’m pathetic? At least I would touch a woman you arrogant prick!
Because the way you treat that poor Ninja girl Mai makes me sick!
Over the years Mai Shiranui has loved you and wants to be your fiancée.
Yet you rarely ever give her the time of day.
Miss Mai Shiranui cares for you so much yet you never treated like her like a lover.
Why its one of the various reasons why almost everyone prefers your brother.
Oh I know it’s because you were never skilled enough to defeat Geese Howard.
You think that’s justifies being so distant to Mai? And he calls me a coward.
When it comes to these things Andy you haven’t been much of a Hero.
You have yet to save her from her Status Quo.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

KINGPIN!

VS.

LEX LUTHOR!

BEGIN!

Kingpin:
Greetings everyone I am the Kingpin of Crime.
Watch me prevail in this battle of rhyme.
I, Wilson Fisk, have been quite successful in my business.
Even though my methods can be a bit vicious
I practically have New York in the palm of my hand.
My power and influence is more than you can understand.
Though I know you would love to think you are wiser.
But before ’85 you were just a Mad Scientist Wannabe MacGyver.
After Infinite Crisis you became a bit more like me.
I’m touched, after all Imitation is the sincerest form of Flattery.

Lex Luthor:
Are you implying that I am a ripoff of you? Oh please.
For starters I am not morbidly obese.
My refined legacy could never be out-done.
For starters I was a “MacGyver” LONG before Richard Dean Anderson.
I’m a well known leader of the Legion of Doom so I have the right to boast.
The amount of super villains you lead are about 6 at most.
But perhaps I shouldn’t be too concerned about this grossly overweight poser
You’d probably die of a heart-attack when this song is over.
But I suppose I’ll admit you were once on my level.
Before you got demoted to be a foe of Daredevil

Kingpin:
Fat Jokes? Oh my Luthor what an original display of wit.
Despite the many claims to the contrary I am quite fit.
As I can assure you my body is far more muscle than fat.
Many heroes have doubted me but I’ve crushed them flat.
While it is true that you do lead the Legion of Doom
You often do it while wearing a garish costume.
Do you think that leading the Legion of Doom makes you the biggest foe in the land?
You only got that job from DC because you’re the #1 foe of Super Man.
While it’s true that Super Man is THE Super Hero that much I would know.
At least that seemed to be true about 2 decades ago.

Lex Luthor:
That clown and the Bat maybe more popular now, that much is true.
Mark my words you fat oaf, I still have a stronger legacy than you.
Even though when it comes to money we are both worth plenty.
It amuses me that you show such blatant petty envy.
You just can’t handle the truth that I have a stronger influence.
It’s sad to see a “Brilliant Kingpin” to show such impotence.
I have more than once been the President of the United States!
Can you say the same with a straight face?
Face it with my Exo-suit powered by Kryptonite.
There is no way I will lose this fight.

Kingpin:
Really Luthor? You still rely on those little green rocks?
For such a smart man you hardly ever think out of the box.
I suppose your political history could be something to commend.
Even though it was all for evil plans that have failed in the end.
You believe that in DC you’re the greatest human mind in the land.
I suppose that could be true, if it wasn’t for Batman.
But before you make anymore claims about your fame.
I have broken Excalibur with my back, can you say the same?
Like you I have fought various super heroes I hope that’s understood.
But unlike you I don’t need an Exo suit to fight the forces of good.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

VICE AND MATURE!

VS.!

REVY AND EDA!

BEGIN!

(Mature)
We are the first two ladies of Orochi.
(Vice)
What kind of losers do we have here? Oh lets see…
(Mature)
The Blonde one tries so hard to be a Naughty Nun
(Vice)
Trust us Blondie it’s already been done.
(Mature)
There’s Revy who thinks she is the baddest gunslinger in the land.
(Vice)
Yet she pines for that wimpy salary man.
(Mature)
It turns out Ms. Eda is really a part of the C.I.A
(Vice)
Like those losers would ever help in any way?
(Mature)
Then there’s Revy who thinks she is beyond amends.
(Vice)
And it’s all because she was some crooked cop’s sloppy seconds.

(Revy’s eyes were about to widen in anger until Eda placed her hand on Revy’s left shoulder with a devious smile on her face which Revy calmed down a bit after that.)

(Eda)
Well, well if it isn’t the 80’s Porn star and her pet Butch Ricki Lake
(Revy)
I wonder how many bones of theirs we get to break.
(Eda)
We’ve done our homework regarding the Hakkeshu.
(Revy)
Like how your leader didn’t give a shit about the both of you.
(Eda)
But to be fair they weren’t exactly loyal to him.
(Revy)
In which even he knew their chances of survival were getting slim.
(Eda)
Meanwhile there is the Rip-off Church and the Black Lagoon.
(Revy)
Both can wipe you bitches out like a fucking typhoon.
(Eda)
In fact we shall prove that we have been taking our notes.
(Revy)
Why are you two here? Didn’t Iori rip off your throats?

(Mature)
You think you know us so well? Well I’d hate to ruin your day.
(Vice)
But not even Death could keep us away.
(Mature)
My wind power alone could knock you both flat on your buns.
(Vice)
Not too mention we both have the bigger guns.
(Mature)
Trust us Revy, our leader alone could wipe out your little brigade.
(Revy)
Besides none of you losers could handle a certain maid.
(Mature)
Though Revy it’s awfully odd how your taste in men is so second-rate.
(Vice)
After all since when were you and Eda straight?
(Mature)
Indeed why would anyone think that Rock could be Revy’s lover?
(Vice)
Since its only a matter of time until these two would fuck each-other.

(Eda)
Oh how cute, Lesbian jokes. Isn’t that groovy?
(Revy)
Say Eda weren’t those two lovers in that live action KOF Movie?
(Eda)
But then again Mature did try to be Rugal’s favorite skank.
(Revy)
But as far as he is concerned you don’t even rank.
(Eda)
You think you can out-style us Vice? You sure that’s a smart plan?
(Revy)
If it weren’t for your huge rack you can easily be mistaken for a man.
(Eda)
Though I honestly don’t know why you two would hype up the Hakkeshu
(Revy)
Didn’t you assholes last like only about a game or two?
(Eda)
But hey since we have you two in our sight.
(Revy)
How about let’s end this stupid singing and start the real fight!

(As all 4 of them had devious smiles on their faces they begin their strike.)

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

SUPERMAN!

VS.!

CAPTAIN AMERICA!

BEGIN!

Superman:
So you’re going to be my opponent today?
Oh good for once I get to battle someone NOT from a Shounen Anime.
Trust me Cap I am not someone who you could easily beat.
As with my vision alone I can really turn up the heat.
My legacy can never be outdone.
As I’m one of the “World’s Strongest” thanks to the Sun!
Now bragging about my Super Strength maybe a bit brash,
But I’m also one of the fastest heroes just ask The Flash.
I know your all about American History so just so you know.
As I am the original Comic Book Super Hero!

Captain America:
Oh yes I remember your rap battles with Son Goku.
I’ve punched out Hitler I can easily handle you.
I’m World War 2’s #1 Hero with my mighty shield.
And remember all those who must oppose my shield must yield.
Now before I give you some Final Justice, I’ll show you my superior tactics!
My analytical skills are better than your “Super Mathematics”.
My recent movies remind folks that I’m the ultimate hero of the Red, White & Blue.
While you tried to regain relevancy since the end of the DCAU.
Though there is one question I’d like to ask you upon this day.
Whatever happened to “Truth, Justice and the American Way”?

Superman:
I uphold all of these values despite on how I hardly say that phrase anymore.
Besides I thought Blind Patriotism is something you’d abhor.
As far as the Army is concerned I know the real reason why you were employed.
Because you were a Lab Rat for their Super Soldier Serum, that over glorified steroid.
While it’s true that your recent movies maybe coming out on top.
But my ‘78 movie was a classic while your ‘90 movie was a complete flop.
Your sense of Patriotism may indeed be unshakeable.
But I’ll test to see if that Shield is really unbreakable.
Say what you want about my current movies but I’m still in my prime.
And with my breath you’ll be back in Ice in no time.

Captain America:
Oh you’ll put me on Ice, so that’s your plan I see.
I’m not surprised you were always famous for your Super-Dickery.
My Shield is styled with Star and Stripes.
And it’s strong enough to dent even your wind pipes.
My team is powerful enough to make you tremble.
As we can take you down faster then I can say “Avengers Assemble”!
Now the movie The Avengers was such a big hit in every way.
But hey I’m sure that Justice League movie will come out some day.
Though I can understand why you’d want to think about your old days of glory.
Like a Saiyan once said “How many times are they going to rewrite your story”?

Superman:
Wait your accusing me of constant retcons?! Well isn’t that nice…
How many times have you got out of that block of ice?
After all I’m faster than a speeding bullet and more powerful than a locomotive.
And trust me when it comes to justice I can be quite votive.
You think you’re a great hero? I’ll be sure to tell the X-Men that.
You’ve nearly crushed the Mutant Race’s hopes for a future down flat.
This is a bit odd considering what you did during the Civil War.
But hardly any comic book fans want to talk about that big mess anymore.
I doubt you have any more tricks up your sleeve.
As Chris Evans is no Christopher Reeve.

Captain America:
I’m not done with my rhymes yet in fact here are some more.
I’ve shown my penance for AvX and Civil War.
When it comes to “Hero has gone evil” stories are you showing Fatigue?
That’s funny; you’re the biggest reason why people question the Justice League.
I’ve always upheld the values of the Red, White and Blue.
This is more than what I can say about you.
Besides I don’t need my shield to clean your clock.
Now where did I put that certain green rock?
So don’t bother telling me you’re the Greatest Hero of the Land.
Why you are the Patron Saint of “Beware the Superman”.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

THE TEEN TITANS!

VS.!

THE BREAKFAST CLUB!

BEGIN!

Robin:
Teen Titans Go!
I’m the Leader in case if you didn’t already know.
I am much more than Batman’s Old Sidekick.
But I’ll be passing the Mic to my pal Cyborg, here you go Vic!
Cyborg:
Booyah! We’re the Teen Titans and we will always thrive!
While you guys have yet to escape 1985.
So trust me when it comes to this Rap Battle you losers won’t get very far.
But its time for me to pass the Mic along, here you go Star!
Starfire:
Oh yes is this the part where we “bring down the house”?
First I got to say I like your pink blouse.
When I fly up in the sky it makes me feel so glad.
Also I liked that little dance scene Allison and Bender had.
Raven:
Eh don’t mind Starfire folks she hasn’t quite understood this “Rap Battle” thing yet.
But to be fair with my spells alone you guys are not much of a threat.
Now who is up next on our side? Oh joy…
Alright here you go Beast Boy.
Beast Boy:
Thank you kindly Rae, ol’ Beast Boy is here!
My name is what all Super-Villians will fear!
We Teen Titans have beaten all sorts of nasties, baddies and crazies.
Besides we easily got the sexier ladies.

Andy:
Oh we maybe Normal High Schoolers that much is true.
None of us have any super powers Robin, neither do you.
I maybe a Jock but when it comes to Comics I’m not too slow.
Besides Young Justice was easily the better show.
Claire:
Okay I know you Comic Book Superheroes are all about kicking Bad Guy butts.
But why are the girls here dressed like sluts?
They both have huge boobs and the redhead is dressed like a Space Hooker.
But then again I am a much more natural looker.
Allison:
Oh don’t mind Claire folks she is kind of a prude.
As for me I can be a little Goth and quite crude.
Is bragging about your powers your best plan?
I can draw with my toes; I doubt any of you can!
Brian:
Wait we’re facing off against the Titans from that CN show from 2003?
Wouldn’t the “New Teen Titans” suit this battle better? Or is it just me?
Your show’s not bad but it tried a little too hard to emulate the anime style from Japan.
I liked you guys better with George Perez and Marv Wolfman.
Bender:
Seriously we’re facing the Teen Titans? What was Aqua Man too busy?
What's next is Beast Boy going to turn into a Grizzly?
The 5 of us are from one of the best High School flicks.
While you guys only got one TV movie in 2006.

Cyborg:
Oh please our comic book series’ legacy can never be outdone.
What's next is “Big Bri” going to whip out his Flare Gun?
But it doesn’t matter how many insults you guys have hurled.
Cause you guys are like the 80’s version of the Real World.
Starfire:
Uh… Guys? What exactly is a “Space Hooker”?
Is that something you steam up with a Rice Cooker?
Oh yes when we saw their movie I did want to know more.
Like what Bender meant when he said “I’ve seen you before you know”.

(We briefly see Andy & Claire glare at a cocky Bender while he smirks at them while Allison is looking away while nervously twiddling her thumbs.)

Raven:
Don’t mind her Star; Claire is a stuck-up brat that much is true.
Oh and by the way Claire, Slut-Shaming is never a virtue.
Oh yes and you think you’re the least bit gothic Allison? Well isn’t that Dandy.
Was that before or after you got dolled up for Andy?
Beast Boy:
Yeah I know that a lot of folks watched your movie with a lot of tissues.
As you guys whined about your petty family issues.
You guys maybe from one of John Hughes’ most famous works.
But you guys are still a bunch of whiny angry jerks!
Robin:
Yeah, especially you Bender since your one of the school’s biggest pests.
That reminds me after this your all due for some drug tests.
But trust me Andy you better not be thinking of doing any escaping.
Because I’ll make sure you don’t give anyone else’s butt a good taping.

Andy:
Hey you costumed pricks that only happened once alright?
Are you sure you want to bring up past issues in this musical fight?
I mean shouldn’t your stance on morality be a little more complex?
Isn’t that right Robin? Or shall I say Red X?
Allison:
So Rae you think your way above my level?
That’s only because your little miss Daughter of Trigon A.K.A The Devil.
Still that’s a lot of talk from someone who’s been looking rather Chibi lately.
Besides we all know that I am quite the crazy.
Claire:
And don’t talk to me about virtues Miss Pale-faced C-Cup.
You probably wanted to use your powers to burn us up.
Fact it you guys are only known by Comic Book Geeks.
Because you all are a bunch of stupid looking freaks!
Brian:
Uh guys maybe we shouldn’t be calling them dense.
The Teen Titans here are starting to look a little tense.
Yeah I know this a Rap Battle, but here is a thought.
These guys have Super Powers while we do not!
Bender:
Relax Bri, once again I’ve got a plan.
Because when it comes to dealing with trouble I can be quite the man!
In fact I know of a surefire way to end this bout.
Yo Roddy help a homeboy out!

(Then Hot Rod from 1986’s Transformers the Movie comes crashing in breaking down the Detention Room’s wall while ramming Robin, Cyborg and Beast Boy in the process. Meanwhile Raven & Starfire are floating in the air as they along with most of the Breakfast Club are shocked by this while Bender has another cocky smirk on his face.)

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

GRIFFITH!

VS.!

ALLEN SCHEZAR!

BEGIN!

Griffith:
I am Griffith; my exploits trump yours by several times more.
For starters I was the one who ended Midland’s 100 Year War.
Now you can watch me perform with flair, with my ever-so fabulous hair.
I hope that alone won’t leave you in despair.
But rest assured I won’t be leaving you bored.
I can be quite deadly with a sword.
My Band of the Hawk is well known for being quite invincible.
So defeating you is only a matter of principle.
My Band has risen up the ranks and became the #1 army in Midland.
So in other words your defeat has already been planned.

Allen Schezar:
You think you’re the superior man? I’m not sure if that’s true.
For starters I also have quite a fabulous head of hair too.
I too am quite a swordsman so I doubt you’d give me any cuts.
Besides don’t you normally leave that kind of work to Gutts?
I have lost my virginity to the most beautiful princess in the land.
While you lost yours to a depraved fat ugly old man.
Though yes, when it comes to Midland you did become quite a Rising Star.
All the more reason why it’s a shame you fell so far.
So as for Midland you could’ve become quite a Crown Jewel.
If only you didn’t ruin everything because you lost one duel.

Griffith:
Oh I am quite willing to show you why I am known as a Hawk.
Besides you are not exactly one to talk.
You think you are more noble and pure than me in every way.
Then how come you never spend time with Prince Chid on Father’s Day.
Oh but of course I am aware you’ve had Daddy Issues since you were a child.
But compared to people like Gutts, your issues are incredibly mild.
However it’s not the only thing about your Family Tree that’s a bit strange.
Such as your Sister who went through a bit of a change.
When it comes to the ladies you’d love to deem yourself a noble defender.
But in reality you’d make a fine sex offender.

Allen Schezar:
Oh so you say I shouldn’t treat young women like a disposable harlot?
Oh yes I’ll be sure to tell that to Caska and Princess Charlotte.
People blame Gutts’ resignation for driving you mad with grief that is true.
But that is only because Gutts grossly overestimated you.
After all if it wasn’t for your bruised ego you might’ve been crowned.
Oh if only you didn’t give the Princess a poorly planned Rebound.
But like it has been said you walked a path of Blood and Stones.
While you played your little Game of Thrones.
Though even in your Golden Age you weren’t much of a Hero.
Isn’t that right Griffith? Or shall I say Femto?

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

MARSHALL LEE!

VS.!

LORD RAPTOR!

Marshall Lee:
Yo folks, Marshall Lee is here!
The hottest smooth talking Vampire from the Nightosphere!
I’ve already got fine shapely honeys like Fiona in my show.
Perhaps I can make my move on that cute busty Jiangshi Hsien-Ko.
But hey with my moves and rhymes my style is quite slick.
You on other hand you’re an ugly old homicidal prick.
Seriously you got no style in fact you’re quite a mess.
You’re old and rusty while I am the new hotness.
I’ve got a job to do since your chances of winning are going down the tubes.
And it’s to “Party Harty” dudes.

Lord Raptor:
*sigh* You know folks, some days I just get no respect.
For starters why am I stuck with this vampire One Direction reject?
Trust me you little punk I’m the Ultimate Zombie Rock Star!
You’re just another pretty boy wannabe Crooner that’s below par.
You think you can score with Hsien-Ko? Just for that I ought to slice you in half.
But you think you can out-rock me? Oh that’s good for a laugh.
So Scream in Harmony with the Devil’s Choir!
Your chances of winning are already going to expire.
So long you little punk it has been fun.
Now why don’t you go outside and sparkle in the sun?

Marshall Lee:
Twilight jokes? Really? Is that your Master Plan?
Now why don’t you sit down before you hurt yourself old man?
I’m telling you man this rap battle is leaving me kind of bored.
You’re obviously not a Dino and you’re not much of a Lord.
Trust me you has-been Zombie when it comes to the ladies I am no Pretender.
Besides I remember Hsien-Ko deeming you to be an obnoxious sex offender.
In life you were a nasty psycho who went down in flames.
You may’ve been an Anti-Hero in the Anime but you were a loser lackey in the games.
Gonna be trouble? Baby I'm a trouble man! Want a fighter come on, don’t you understand?
I’ll give you double! Baby I’m the trouble man!

Lord Raptor:
Oh you just had to go there you little punk!
Just for that I ought to give you a little “dunk”!
I would so hate to stop all of your joy.
You future prison pale boy toy…
But when it comes to Demonic Rock I’m Number One!
So sit down boy and let me show you how it’s done!
You wanna Rumble? How about Tonight?
You want a War? I’ll just let you try alright.
Gonna be trouble? Baby I'm a trouble man! Want a fighter come on, don’t you understand?
I’ll give you double! Baby I’M the trouble man!

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

B. JENET!

VS.

NAMI & NICO ROBIN!

BEGIN!

B. Jenet:
I am B. Jenet the leader of the Lillien Knights!
My pirates are so famous our logo is up in lights!
With my wind attacks I can blow you both away with one Wind Gust!
As I have a more beautiful body such as my face, legs and of course enormous bust.
So bring it on then you noodle-armed tarts!
As I will defeat you both with my LK Arts!
But I am not such a bad girl I can be civil to you both as it would be a pleasure.
That is, before I relieve you all of your treasure.
After all getting rich stealing from criminals can be such a Joy.
As I am the Captain of my crew while you two follow a cute little rubbery boy.

(Nami)
Oh goody, well Robin it looks like we get to babysit this rich brat.
That is before our rhymes knock her down flat.
(Robin)
Oh come now Ms. Navigator we don’t need to be too aggressive.
After all I don’t know why she considers her wind powers to be all that impressive.
(Nami)
Ah yeah, after all I have my trusty Clima-Tact.
With it I have way more elemental powers than you and that is a fact!
(Robin)
Ah yes and of course there is the matter of my Devil Fruit.
And the powers I gained from it would make this discussion rather moot.
(Nami)
Oh yeah we easily have way more powerful and better attacks.
As we also have the sexier bodies and bigger racks.
(Robin)
Indeed, when it comes to piracy you think you’re a crown jeweled pearl.
But in reality you’re just a bored little Rich Girl.

B. Jenet:
Okay so I am in a really wealthy family so what that it’s true.
That doesn’t make me less of a pirate than either one of you.
Oh and Nami don’t bother trying to hype yourself up as some powerful chick.
Because all I have to do is break that gaudy looking stick.
And Robin before you can use your special limbs to knock me away.
I can use my wind to blow you into the sea, Miss All-Sunday.
As I have noticed how you close you two can be in your little Straw-Hat commune.
It is almost feels like I am up against Sailor Uranus and Neptune.
Oh I know you both had sad lives so filled with strife.
Gee Robin how about you go back to bed with your red-headed wife?

(Nami)
Hey! First of all my fair color is Orange you dumb Blond!
Besides you’ll never understand how Robin and I have a special bond.
(Robin)
Oh yes and I shall give you a little hint, Miss Young Lady with no Bra.
If you wish to arouse Nami you should wear glasses like Miss Kalifa.
(Nami)
Gee Robin what's the matter, jealous?
Uh but don’t get the wrong idea there fellas!
(Robin)
Oh calm down Nami I was having some fun and figuring out Miss Jenet isn’t too hard.
Sadly she seems so frustrated that she could never bed a certain Terry Bogard.
(Nami)
Ah yeah I guess that shouldn’t come as a big shock.
Why she does kind of remind me of a certain Ms. Hancock.
(Robin)
Indeed, but so sorry Miss Jenet I would so hate to see you crying.
You call Terry Bogard your first love? I’ll be sure to tell that to Miss Mary Ryan.

[Then suddenly a big pirate ship comes in as Ruby Heart from Marvel Vs. Capcom 2 comes out.]

Ruby Heart:
Alright its time that I put these sticks with Watermelons into some musical traction!
As its time for some Marvel Vs. Capcom 2 Action!
I once led the way into a New Age of Heroes!
Alas I am now stuck here with these Pilge-Rat Hoes.
Alright, I’m also a shapely beauty that much is true.
But I am still a far more Professional Pirate than any one of you.
Anyways do any of you still believe your any match for me, Ruby Heart?
Just as I figured none of you Sea Wenches were all that smart.
But I have one more question before I return to my ship.
Which one of you wenches want to be the first to taste my whip?

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

DOCTOR DOOM!

VS.

GENERAL ZOD!

Doctor Doom:
Arise for you are in the presence of Doctor Doom!
My powers and prowess shall send you all to your tomb!
I have magical powers and technology that are second to none!
As of course my Comic Book Legacy can never be outdone!
So you truly do have the same powers as Superman?
Then why are you constantly bested by him and his Super Clan?
I am the undisputed ruler of Latveria as I sit upon my throne.
While you are too busy being trapped in the Phantom Zone.
You call yourself a General yet you’re not fit to clean my cloak.
As ever since the 80s you’re nothing but a bombastic S&M Joke.

General Zod:
Ah yes Doctor Doom, a classic example of Delusions of Grandeur.
Looks like it time that I put this arrogant fool out to pasture.
You accuse Terence Stamp of being too hammy? Oh, like you are one to talk.
As for me, I am General Zod and I am Krpyton’s Greatest War Hawk!
You rule your land with some powerful armor that much is true.
And yet that was never truly good enough for you.
Oh I know the real reason why you act so bombastic.
It’s because you know you were never as smart as Mr. Fantastic.
Now accept your defeat you delusional sod!
AND KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!

Doctor Doom:
Fool! No one demands Doctor Doom to kneel!
All those who do will be crushed by Doom’s Vibranium Heel!
You accuse Doctor Doom of arrogance as if you are one to boast.
As for Superman’s adversaries you’re a C-Lister at most.
You have only had a few followers so we are far from equal.
While Doom has led the likes of the Syndicate and the Masters of Evil!
In fact Doom has appeared in more shows & games than the Fantastic Four.
You have appeared only a few times within Superman’s Lore.
Perhaps you shall keep some of your issues about your ego in check.
So please tell us all, Dear General, how’s your neck?

General Zod:
You accuse me of being too arrogant? Are you sure you have a case?
Then tell me, do you still blame Reed Richards about your face?
As some younger viewers would say you are so full of salt.
For your biggest flaw is that you’ll never think that it’s your fault.
We both know you have that problem that much is true.
It’s probably because you’ll never get to bed Reed’s beloved wife Sue.
You love to bring up my time in the Phantom Zone to give me chagrin.
Oh you don’t know what its like? I’ll be sure to tell that to Odin.
For I know a certain fact that will certainly make your eyes twitch.
That you’re the first villain to ever become Squirrel Girl’s Bit…

(Then suddenly both Doctor Doom and General Zod heard a loud rumble.)

General Zod: What in the…

Doctor Doom: Oh no…

(Then Doctor Doom immediately flew away from the scene while General Zod was getting trampled by a large army of Squirrels.)

General Zod: AAAAAAAAAAHH!

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

THE PENGUIN!

VS.

KING DEDEDE!

Penguin:
Greetings I am the Penguin and I have arrived on this show.
Watch me defeat this flightless witless bird from Nintendo.
When it comes to villainy I can be quite vile.
As I also clearly have way more style.
Oh yes and any fool can see that I have a far longer history.
I am the finest criminal within High Society.
While you’re a rather boorish bird that is fairly overweight.
Perhaps that is the reason why your so second rate.
When it comes to Bat-Man’s foes, I’m one of the best dressed.
But as far as Kirby is concerned your just a big squawking pest.

King Dedede:
You think I’m small time? Ha! Shows what you know ya long-nosed cad!
For when it comes to the Kirby Franchise I’m the original Big Bad!
With my Mighty Hammer I can easily knock you down flat!
Oh and by the way who are you to call anyone else fat?
Though I really don’t see why you would want to boast.
I mean when it comes to Batman’s villains you’re a C-Lister at most.
Besides when it comes to Dreamland I am the King!
You run a Casino and yet I’m the one who’s doing the Winning.
You think your little Umbrella is going to harm me?
Wait til you get a taste of my army!

Penguin:
Oh yes Dedede your army has made me so scared.
How I can deal with these cute cuddly creatures? Oh I hope my life will be spared.
But then again you’re not exactly much of a villain anymore.
When it comes to Villainous Credibility even Bowser has a higher score.
Oh yes I have recently aided the Batman as an Informant but as you can see.
If you’re going to aid the Hero of the story, at least do it with Dignity.
But while I know you love to see yourself as Dreamland’s ultimate Sinner.
I sometimes wonder if Kirby would have you for a Roast Dinner.
I run the Iceberg Nightclub and Casino so I still know a thing or two about Sins.
Besides as the old saying about Casinos go “The House Always Wins”.

King Dedede:
Ah man your raps are so lousy they are practically a mess.
As I liked you better when you were played by the late great Burgess.
You love to think that you’re classy but you’re just a freak show.
Don’t believe me? Just ask Tim Burton and Danny DeVito.
So you still think when it comes to crime you’re a lot more fly?
Heh, big talk coming from someone who got a broken bottle shoved up his eye.
Oh so sorry about reminding you that Mr. Cobblepot.
Is the truth here leaving you rather distraught?
But as a matter of fact I have one more surprise.
I’ve hired some help to aid me here, come on out guys!

(Then the Penguins of Madagascar come out in which Skipper, Kowalski and Private, are now performing a synchronized dance.)

(Penguins of Madasgar)
We’re the Penguins of Madagascar!
We’ll make sure you won’t get very far.
(Private)
Heh heh, when it comes to Batman’s foes your not so scary.
As you try to look so fancy with your little bottle of Sherry.
(Kowalski)
Ah yes while you’ve been relegated to tending your ice themed bars.
We are still some of Dreamwork’s biggest stars.
(Skipper)
Right on boys now let’s show this has-been that we are too much to handle.
Alright Rico now let’s light this candle!

(Then Rico excitedly squawks as he sets off a bunch of fireworks and the Penguins are now dancing to the Chaos they just caused.)

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

Theme Song Guy:
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

SHREK!

VS.!

EMPEROR KUZCO!

BEGIN!

Shrek:
Hey there folks here comes Shrek!
I’m here to keep this pampered punk’s ego in check!
I’m one of the strongest Ogres ever as I can make your bones crunch.
As I can easily knock your head off with one punch.
But perhaps that’s not a fair comparison as you’re a skinny little wimp.
Who is also an arrogant pompous little simp.
I am one of the Founding Fathers of Dreamwork’s Animated Fame.
I am use to putting you Disney has-beens to shame.
Now who starred in the first animated Oscar winner in History?
Oh that’s right, me.

Kuzco:
Ah man your raps are so the worst.
First of all Greenie, when it comes to Snarky Animated Comedy, I was here first.
You brag about your Oscar, but should that matter in the least?
Oh yes I’ll be sure to tell that to the Beauty and the Beast.
So bring it on you big fat wannabe Scottish Hulk.
I am living my life in royalty while you constantly sulk.
Your franchise was big but you’re no longer Dreamwork’s biggest star.
You’ve been pretty much replaced by Po and the Penguins of Madagascar.
But hey I suppose I should give you some credit where it’s due.
You did help Mike Myers out after The Cat in the Hat and The Love Guru.

Shrek:
You think that’s going to leave me dismayed?
Oh yes like I would get career advice from someone played by David Spade.
My Franchise was easily bigger than yours by far.
You got one DTV movie and your TV series quickly fell under the Radar.
It’s a shame that Pacha and Kronk are not here for this fight.
They would be a better match to come up against my might.
But then again even my kids and Pacha’s tykes are manlier than you.
Here is one final thought before I bid you adieu.
Blame Yzma all you want but it’s easy to surmise.
At the first part of your movie you were one of the bad guys.

Kuzco:
Wait your giving me a lecture? Did you hear that Ladies & Gentlemen?
What was that “Layers” lesson about again?
You are an Anti-Social Creep who can be a big fat ball of rage.
You have a family yet you still look for an excuse to go on a rampage.
Your franchise is bigger? Face it you big gas-bag you’re so out of touch.
Sure Shrek 2 was a big hit but everything else? Not so much.
When it comes to Merchandising your pretty much “Old Hat”.
Thanks to Netflix you rely on that Spanish-Accented Cat.
But hey at least I am willing to try to live the life of Royalty.
A shame you didn’t feel the same way otherwise we wouldn’t have Shrek 3.

Theme Song Guy:
WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

YAMCHA & BULMA

VS.!

TUXEDO MASK & SAILOR MOON!

(Yamcha)
Alright Bulma we are so going to win this musical brawl.
With this Magical Skipper and her Masked Ken Doll.
(Bulma)
That’s so true Yamcha but that’s obvious to see.
After all we were known as the original “Power Couple” of DB History.
(Yamcha)
With my Wolf fang Fist attack I can defeat plenty of foes.
Oh is Tuxedo Mask angry at me? Oh I hope he doesn’t throw a rose.
(Bulma)
When it comes to “Magical Girl Anime” this brat is suppose to be one of the Heavy Hitters?
Yet most of the other Sailor Scouts seem to be her Babysitters.
(Yamcha)
Yeah there was something I always wondered about that Masked Mister.
Such as why is he dating someone who could pass for his kid sister?
(Bulma)
When it comes to comparisons the other Sailor Scouts so leave you in the dust.
Namely, for reasons such as Brains, Skill and Power… not to mention Bust.

(Sailor Moon)
Hey! That is such a low blow you nasty old hag!
But then again your love life was never something to brag.
(Tuxedo Mask)
Indeed Sailor Moon but we shouldn’t let their words cause us any trouble.
After all even in the original DB they weren’t exactly a “Power Couple”.
(Sailor Moon)
That’s so true Tuxedo Mask though it’s obvious to see.
Yamcha and Bulma have been “on and off” long before DBZ.
(Tuxedo Mask)
Yeah and Yamcha likes to think of himself as a Cocky Desert Bandit Bruiser.
But Yamcha is well known as DB’s Biggest Loser.
(Sailor Moon)
And I become Queen Serenity as I will rule a world full of bliss.
Bulma’s only roles are to show off gadgets… and fanservice.
(Tuxedo Mask)
Yes and I am starting to remember Yamcha’s fight history such as the Saibamen.
Now remind me, how did that battle go again?

(Yamcha)
Oh great I’m still never going to live that one down, that much is true.
Yet I still have a better win/lose record than you.
(Bulma)
Aw what’s the matter little girl, sore that you’re as flat as these grassy plains?
Not only do I have a more womanly body but I easily have a lot more brains.
(Yamcha)
And don’t bother trying to talk tough Tuxedo Mask, how many times have you been floored?
Besides while you rely on a Rose and a Stick, I still got my old sword.
(Bulma)
Oh yes and when it comes to romance Sailor Moon, you’re still just a child that’s rather dense.
Not to mention while Mamoru maybe a Bishounen but he has a god awful fashion sense.
(Yamcha)
Yeah Ol’ Tuxie tries to be the hero yet he often needs to be saved during their bouts.
Besides, there are also the rumors that he has been screwing around with the other Sailor Scouts.
(Bulma)
Good point there Yamcha, there is no telling what he has done with the other girls in her little Platoon.
Not to mention considering how close he can be with little Miss Sailor Mini-Moon.

(Sailor Moon)
Oh for the last time people! Tuxedo Mask is so not a cheater!
Besides isn’t it obvious to see that I am quite the keeper?
(Tuxedo Mask)
Say Yamcha why are you bringing up Adultery in this musical battle of rhymes?
Isn’t that the exact reason why Bulma has dumped you how many times?
(Sailor Moon)
Yeah Bulma you think I’m clueless about love? Is that your best plan?
How long did it take for you to finally settle down with a man?
(Tuxedo Mask)
Oh and Yamcha you talk about our “records” as if you were being witty.
But the only times you come out on top is when TOEi shows you some pity.
(Sailor Moon)
Oh Bulma I do question your love life so I’ll say that again.
Besides even when you hooked up with a Prince, you still have a weak taste in men.
(Tuxedo Mask)
Ah yes that reminds me I may not be a DBZ expert just so we’re clear.
But shouldn’t Vegeta be the one with Bulma here?

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

THE WRECKING CREW!

VS.!

WRECK-IT RALPH!

BEGIN!

(Wrecker)
Step up! You’re going up against the Wrecking Crew!
And it’s obvious that the 4 of us can easily handle you.
(Thunderball)
Yeah Wrecker, we’re more than a Match for the Asgardian God of Thunder.
We can easily handle this Disney One-Hit Wonder.
(Piledriver)
Face it I got the better big hands you chump!
Now why don’t you go back to your rotten little stump?
(Bulldozer)
Yeah we all can easily crush a chump like you dead.
When we’re through with you, you’ll be a greasy smear on my shiny head.

Ralph:
Oh I’m sorry guys, was I suppose to be scared?
What can I say? I did come here prepared.
You guys are the most 2nd-rate thugs that Thor has ever fought.
Except for Bulldozer, he’s more like a 3rd rate Juggernaut.
I’m a big hit with Disney in fact I am an Annie Award winning Star.
While you guys’ chances of being in a MCU Movie, are rather below par.
I may be treated like a criminal, but you 4 are the real bad guys.
Of course that shouldn’t be any big surprise.
You see this ground here? You all better check it!
Cause in a manner of moments I’m GONNA WRECK IT!

(Wrecker)
Oh really? So you think you’re such a big award-winning star?
Oh sure, if you ignore a certain Princess from Pixar.
(Thunderball)
Yeah and we may be known villains, but you should open your eyes.
There is a very good reason why you are one of the Bad Guys.
(Piledriver)
Ah yeah I mean smashing buildings with so many innocent people inside?
And you wonder why those Nicelanders hate your hairy old hide?
(Bulldozer)
Face it Ralph, deep down you know everything we said is true.
If you weren’t so soft you might have a shot with the Wrecking Crew.

Ralph:
Nice try guys, but I will admit I have my fair share of regrets.
But you guys are easily the bigger threats.
Besides I doubt that you clowns would last at all in Hero’s Glory.
I am one of the biggest and toughest men in my world’s story.
Also since when have you guys ever really beaten the Mighty Thor?
There’s also Spider-Man, the Thing and the Avengers and I’m sure there is a whole bunch more.
What can I say? I sometimes like to make sure no details have been spared.
Like I said before I did come here prepared.
After all you guys may think that I am standing here on my own.
But I assure you all that I am not alone.

(Then Ralph snaps his fingers in which almost all the Agents of S.M.A.S.H namely Hulk, Red Hulk, She-Hulk and A Bomb come smashing in through the wall.)

(A Bomb)
Hey there Hulksters, the A-Bomb is here and this battle is about to go Boom!
We are so going to party-hearty here in this room.
(She-Hulk)
You clowns think you can beat us? Well isn’t that rich?
Shame Titania is not here. I got a score to settle with that nasty Bit…
(Hulk)
Eh easy there Jen let’s not be too rash.
After all its time to give these guys a good SMASH!
(Red Hulk)
Well said Greenie, we’ve all had our musical fun.
Now with my fiery fists I’ll make sure these creeps are well done!

(Now we see The Leader locked up in a hidden containment cell watching this rap battle from a computer screen in front of his cell.)

The Leader:
Oh I must admit it can be entertaining to watch this little battle of Kongs.
I can so understand why Loki loves to use the Wrecking Crew as Pawns.
While I may not have the strength to lift cars, trains and planes.
I am easily one of the World’s Smartest Brains.
Those brutish Hulks only use their Gamma Power to smash things harder.
But Gamma Power has increased my Brain’s size, making me a whole lot smarter.
Oh, what's that? If I’m so smart then why am I here you ask? Isn’t that right Reader?
Trust me I have my plans out of here after all I am the Leader.
Now I shall show those boorish fools that I am the Greatest Genius here by far.
Hey wait a minute there’s only 4 Hulks out there, where’s…

(Then we see Skaar standing nearby the Leader waving at him.)

Skaar: Hello there Leader.

The Leader: Oh… Hello there Skaar…

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

LOIS LANE!

VS.!

APRIL O’NEIL!

BEGIN!

Lois Lane:
Lois Lane here, I’m the Daily Planet’s #1 Reporter Star!
My legacy is easily far longer than yours by far.
I hope that little fact doesn’t leave you in scorn.
I have been a strong comic book heroine since long before Eastman and Laird were born.
My cinematic history is better than yours in every way.
I got Margot Kidder with Richard Donner while you got Megan Fox thanks to Michael Bay.
Why I have Beauty, Brains and I have quite a tenacious sense of Journalistic Talent.
Like I said before I’m the Daily Planet’s best. Don’t believe me? Ask Clark Kent.
So face it you can never match up to me as I have several decades of Comic Book History.
As I am the Original Greatest Heroine in all of DC!

April O’Neil:
So you’re the original DC Heroine there Lois? Is that what you meant?
Gee Wonder Woman you sure do look a little different.
Are you sure you want to talk about Movies? Have you thought this through?
I mean the last good live action Superman Movie was from 1980 namely Superman II.
Though to be fair when it comes to Journalism I do understand your views.
I was once rather prominent with Channel 6 News.
You love to talk about how strong you are but I don’t know why you want to brag.
Since Superman constantly saves you despite how you’re such a stuck-up nag.
Besides Clark Kent would be better off with Lana Lang or Dinah Prince.
Oh I’m sorry Ms. Lane did I just make you wince?

Lois Lane:
Oh what's the matter, are you feeling jealous there Miss O’Neil?
Is it because you got a Hockey Mask Thug while I got the Man of Steel?
I’m Superman’s First and #1 Love so I’ll always win even if push comes to shove.
Besides Lana Lang is just a part of Ol’ Smallville’s past who is at best Puppy Love.
I’m not sure why you want to bring Wonder Woman in this Musical Melee.
Besides she’d probably rather get in bed with me than Clark anyway.
Of course that maybe a rumor, but there are rumors about you and the TMNT.
About whether if your open to engage in a little bestiality.
I don’t know why you’re looking at me like that, after all it’s not like I’m wrong.
Don’t believe me? Why don’t you ask Mikey or Don?

April O’Neil:
Yes Lois we all know that when it comes to Superman’s Love Interests you were seen first.
But compared to Lana and Wonder Woman? You’re clearly the worst.
You think you are so beloved but I’m not sure if you’re keeping score.
Oh yeah and I think Wonder Woman likes Power Girl a bit more.
For such a strong woman, Superman’s frequent rescues are why you’re not in traction.
Oh sure I’m known for getting saved, but I also often like to get in on the action.
You try to bring up your long comic book history to make me feel weepy.
But a lot of things you and Superman did in the Silver Age were kind of bizarre and often creepy.
However I shall end this rap battle by giving you some advice this day.
That perhaps you should read up on a certain Larry Niven 1969 Essay.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

PRINCESS ALLURA!

VS.!

PRINCESS ZELDA!

BEGIN!

(Allura)
Hello people, I am Allura and I am here on the scene.
I am the Princess of Planet Arus and its future Queen.
Whether if I am in a Dress or a Jumpsuit, I am looking fine…
As I have been “Pretty with a Pistol” long before Faye Valentine.
I can assure you this laser blaster is so not just for show.
And in Voltron Force even I can rock the bow.
I liked you better in Skyward Sword that Zelda was much cuter and had more personality.
Speaking of which, I can’t help but question a certain something about your history.
You keep changing your look and back-story every so often.
Which version of you am I talking to again?

(Zelda)
Well, well if isn’t Princess Allura the “Token Female” of Voltron.
Or shall I say Princess Fala of Golion? Heh I guess either way I am not wrong.
Oh I know you feel so proud to be in the Voltron Force with all those young men.
But that’s only because your show killed off Shirogane… or shall I say injured Sven?
Oh but I know why your considered so appealing, just by a smidge.
You’ve helped a lot of young boys go through puberty, just ask that kid Pidge.
I’m easily one of the most famous Heroines from Nintendo.
You’re mildly popular in the US, but hardly anyone in Japan remembers your show.
We all know you’ll be passed around by the Voltron Force and Lotor later.
Besides my man Link, the Hero of Time is obviously greater.

(Allura)
Here is a little food for thought upon this musical battle of rhyme.
I have been in on the action long before Ocarina of Time.
You never got in on the action until you started to dress a bit more “Sheik”.
Which has also raised some awkward questions about your… *ahem* “physique”.
I admit I doubt I could pull off the “Sheik” look that much is true.
But sadly that’s because I am not as flat as you.
Yes it is true that the US has given my Franchise a lot more fame.
But for years we have often wondered if your Franchise would say the same?
Although I am a little surprised you’d mention your love of Link in this Musical Brawl.
As for years we often wonder if you two even have a thing at all.

(Zelda)
So you think I need to be in drag in order to fight? Well isn’t that a bit brash.
Just for that I ought to give you a “Super Smash”!
My rhymes are so cool they practically put you on ice!
So get out of here you one-hit wonder and go back to your mice.
The Goddesses of Hyrule and the Hero of Time have aided in me in the battles I have fought.
While you and your boy-toys rely on that large Lion-Themed Robot.
Not to mention on how Lotor and Keith fight over you, and those rumors about you and Lance.
After all we all know that just about all the Voltron Force guys wanted to get in your pants.
Here is a little food for thought that might make you mad.
That if I am ever pregnant than at least we’ll be quite certain whose the dad.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY

ULTRON!

VS.

MEGATRON!

Ultron:
I am Ultron, I am the Super Robot that will ensure World Peace.
In which I will make sure the Human Race will decease.
I am the biggest Marvel Big Bad who has graced the Silver Screen in 2015.
But I have been terrorizing humans long before the Terminators and their “Rise of the Machines”.
I also have a lot more Nerd Street Cred than you in every way.
As I have Joss Whedon while you are still stuck with Michael Bay.
With my new Vibranium Chassis will ensure that I will always be Number One!
Want to defeat me? It will take more than that Fusion Gun.
This Robotic Has-been is going to see how bad a battle can be.
It doesn’t matter if your G1, Beast Wars or Prime, you still pale to me.

Megatron:
I AM MEGATRON! Leader of the Decepticons!
My soldiers can easily outnumber and overpower your Robo-Copy Pawns.
A poorly made “Peace-keeping Robot” like you could never harm my very spark.
As you are a botched up creation from Hank Pym… Oh so sorry, I meant Tony Stark.
So you think you’re the pinnacle of tactical genius and robotic brawn?
Oh please, you would never last in the mean streets of Cybertron.
You sing “There are no strings on me” as you try to sound freaky.
But your little fixation with Wasp and Jocasta is what's really creepy.
When it comes to making powerful and loyal minions you lack precision.
As you have certain loyalty issues with your “Vision”.

Ultron:
Really Megatron, you bring up disloyal minions in this battle of rhymes?
This is coming from the bot that has employed Starscream HOW many times?!
Are you jealous of my certain goals? Is that why you treat me like some depraved knave?
I’ll have Wasp and Jocasta in a 3-way, while you have your husband Soundwave.
There have also been plenty of times in which you were practically Unicron’s Boy-Toy.
Not to mention Sentinel Prime’s during that incident in Illinois.
It’s a shame you’re not Galvatron, say what you will about him, but he was a better upgrade.
At least he had the sense to destroy Starscream before taking over your little Brigade.
So in the end does it matter how many Autobots you and your cons have shot-downed.
Since your little war with them has led Cybertron right into the ground.

Megatron:
With my powerful Fusion Cannon I can easily take you down in one blast.
While you have a rather limited grasp about my long and varied past.
I war with the Autobots because I am one of the greatest patriots of Cybertron history!
While you, Ultron, want nothing more than good old-fashioned genocide as its plain to see.
Your little “Zerg Rush” tactics would never last against the Decepticons that much is true.
I mean even Starscream would put up a better fight than you.
I was once a known Gladiator in the pits of Koan before I led my uprising.
Do you think you’d last in the Koan Arena? I’d like to see how long you would last in the ring.
But it’s such a shame really that your creation Vision insists to serve the forces of good.
As he can lead an evil Robot Army far better than you ever could.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

AYANE!

VS.!

SATSUKI KIRYUIN!

BEGIN!

Ayane:
I am the one of the deadliest Kunoichi, in Mugen Tenshin History!
Watch as I take down the Tyrant Princess of Honnojo Academy!
You have far too many issues to count over the course of your show.
Such as why you wore your slutty “Wedding Dress” when you first fought Ryuko?
But don’t bother trying to fight me with your precious Junketsu.
When it comes to me, you and your Elite Four fools are simply no threats.
You ruled Honnoji Academy with an Iron Fist as you crushed your opposition down flat!
Oh wait your actually not evil? And you expect anyone to believe that?
Oh yes and before you bring up your depraved mother in this battle of rhymes.
Keep in mind you and your cohorts committed various war crimes.
Shall I keep talking about how you horribly oppressed the students some more?
Or that when you go into battle you look like a 90’s Sci-Fi Anime Whore?

Satsuki:
Oh I have many questions I’d like to ask upon this Musical Fray.
Such as why am I getting a modesty lecture from one of the stars of D.O.A?
Do you really think your little “Moral High Ground” is going to last?
So are you going to ignore all the people I have aided in the past?
You call my rule over Honnoji evil, you jealous fool? Is that your best plan?
Yet you hunt down your sister to appease your corrupt ninja clan.
You fight for your Ninja Clan who never wanted you anyway.
That is the real reason why your “Dear” Sister Kasumi is your eternal prey.
So I assure you, your “Moral High Ground” is something I can easily refute.
You are nothing more than an assassin who’s most likely a glorified prostitute.
So is it true you desire Elliot that naïve young British Mister?
Of course not, with your issues, we all know you’d rather bed Kasumi your “dear” sister.

Ayane:
Oh I have heard all the incest jokes, is that the best you can do?
Or are you just jealous that Ryuko likes Mako a lot more than you?
Oh yes and I can say I have the Moral High Ground, more than you ever could.
Why in the Ninja Gaiden games I have always been on the forces of good!
Your talk about refuting Moral High Grounds proves that you’re an arrogant fool.
As you were an oppressive dictator and an absolute tool.
Oh you may claim it’s because of your mother who has a lot of depraved quirks.
But it was all for a plan that didn’t even work.
Yes you did make a so-called “good” scheme full of oppression and carnage.
Yet you got tossed out by your mother like some Genetic Garbage.
So tell me, you think I have too many familial issues to have a lover?
That’s rich, coming from Miss “Lost your virginity to your mother”.

Satsuki:
You think people ignore my vile past misdeeds? I can say the same thing about you.
Such as how you were known for killing Helena’s Mother in Dead or Alive 2.
Oh wait, that’s not true! Christie was the real killer after all she is a lot more vicious.
Yet you never denied Helena accusing you for that which is awfully suspicious.
Why would you help Christie like that? Do I need to spell it out some more?
Are the rumors true that you are secretly Christie’s little whore?
We all know that seductive killer likes Teens and the Ladies too.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she had her way with you.
Still deem me a monster? Oh you haven’t thought this through.
I have made peace with my sister, which is something you have yet to do.
So admit defeat you whore daughter of a brutish rapist!
Now kneel down and bask in my greatness!

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

MARTY MCFLY!

VS.!

BILL AND TED!

BEGIN!

Marty:
Seriously guys, I am up against Bill & Ted?
I think I’d probably get smarter lyrics from that box of Lead.
You guys call yourselves Wyld Stallyns? Oh please!
I can out-guitar both you dopes with the greatest of ease!
Trying to sit through your short-lived Franchise can be such a Bogus Journey.
While I have one of the biggest franchises in 1980s history!
I can rock out to Chuck Berry and I got songs from Huey Lewis and the News.
You idiots still think your Rock Stars, yet after this you two will be singing the Blues.
Besides my gal Jennifer does deem me to be quite the lover.
Winning this Rap Battle will be easier than Bill’s Step-Mother.

(Ted)
Gosh, Marty there is no need to be so rude.
(Bill)
Yeah why are you so cranky man? Is it because you’re such a short dude?
(Ted)
We use our Time Machine to go through Time to see History’s biggest Successes.
(Bill)
While you only use yours to fix you and Doc Brown’s many messes.
(Ted)
Our Band may not be huge but our music has given History some joy.
(Bill)
After all we are the Wyld Stallyns, you’re more like an “Angry Chicken Boy”.
(Ted)
Say Marty what are you saying about Bill’s mom? Wouldn’t Jennifer get mad?
(Bill)
Heh Marty was never much of a Hubby to Jen and that’s just sad.
(Ted)
So trust me Marty when it comes to your Movies we are not so slow.
(Bill)
When it comes to pleasuring someone’s mom, you’re a real pro!

Marty:
You morons shouldn’t anger me. Why? Well because…
I can easily take down this Neo Has-Been and the Wintery Never-Was!
So you two idiots still use your goofy “Surfer” voices I see.
Hey geniuses you guys are not Mikey from TMNT!
But hey perhaps I shouldn’t be feeling so much stress.
Over these losers who are trying to cash in on my success.
Oh don’t look at me like that you Doctor Who wannabes you both know it’s true.
Besides I have Skate Boards that have more Brain Cells than the both of you.
So bring it on, you Brain-Dead Chumps!
Call me Chicken again and you two will get some Black Eyes and Lumps!

(Ted)
Wow Bill, Marty sure gets awfully violent when he gets mad.
(Bill)
Yeah Ted, are we sure Biff is not his real Dad?

(Then we briefly see Marty’s mouth gape in shock as his left eye twitches.)

(Ted)
But we’re obviously not scared at all just so we’re clear.
(Bill)
Yeah we took on Lewis and Clark, we can easily handle Stuart Little here.
(Ted)
After all when it comes to Time Travel we Wyld Stallyns know how to thrive!
(Bill)
Say Ted, you think we should do a little performance in 1955?
(Ted)
That could be cool Bill but we shouldn’t pick on Ol’ George McFly.
(Bill)
That’s true Ted, George maybe quite the nerd but he seems to be a decent guy.
(Ted)
Alright Marty, we know someone who will make you feel like quite the Doofus.
(Bill)
Time for the Wyld Stallyns to leave the stage, take it away Rufus!

(Then Rufus comes in from his Time Travel Phone booth.)

Rufus:
Greetings boys, perhaps it is time for me to join in on this Musical Fight.
Though I must say you boys have shown a keen amount of insight.
But look at Marty’s comments here so ill-tempered and snide.
Sadly Marty has yet to learn his lesson regarding Pride.
Whenever someone taunts you, you want to punch them in the jaw.
One day you will see that is your most fatal flaw.
Don’t get me wrong Marty I know that you’re a good boy alright.
Although Marty you do have a slightly compulsive tendency to fight.
You also have a lot of other issues that are easily detected.
This is probably why your movie’s script was at first frequently rejected.

(Then Doc Brown makes his stylish entrance with his Time Travel DeLorean.)

Doc Brown:
So you’re all ganging up on Marty huh? Is that how this is going down?
Well then it’s time to even up the odds, here comes Doc Brown!
Great Scott! I can easily out-rap the three of you!
This Rap Battle will be way easier than the one I had with Doctor Who!
You think this mellow G-Rated George Carlin can beat me in this battle of rhyme?
I am one of Christopher Lloyd’s most famous roles of all time!
Not to mention how my Franchise is the bigger and better one by far.
I can easily smash your little Phone-booth with my Time Travelling Car.
So come on Marty lets go, after all we’ve defeated these fools in every way.
But don’t worry you three; I’m sure that your 3rd movie will come out some day.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

TINA ARMSTRONG!

VS.!

TIFFANY LORDS!

BEGIN!

Tina:
Howdy y’all, name’s Tina & when it comes to Wrestling I am the Real Deal!
Why when it comes to Dead or Alive I am the original Boobs of Steel!
I can deliver powerful slams in the ring and on the beach some great ball serves!
Oh yes and my body is well known for having all the right curves.
But hey you too have curves in all the right places.
It’s a shame that your boyfriend is kind of a racist.
You’re quite the cute and sexy little cheerleader so you have some right to boast.
Too bad the game series that you came from had two games at most.
But hey, I gotta say that rapping with you is rather fun, hun.
You do have potential young lady but I am Number One!

Tiffany:
Hi everybody, I’m Tiffany and when it comes to Cheerleading I am First Rate!
The only DOA first that your known for Tina, is the first lady whose not Jail-bait.
I am great at boxing, kicking and delivering a good cheer!
Perhaps I can even try to out grapple you here.
You’ve tried to be a Model, Movie Star and even dabble in politics; can you make up your mind?
Sadly, when it comes to plot relevancy your series hasn’t been so kind.
I mean when it comes to plot importance, you’re Dad & most of your friends leave you in the dust.
This is why you’re mainly known for being an American Blonde with a Big Bust.
Hey I can’t complain as I am also a pretty blonde with a gloriously huge rack.
But with my boxing gloves on I can come in for the attack!

Tina:
You got some nice spunk honey but like I said I am Number One!
Shame we couldn’t get folks like Rainbow Mika or Tifa Lockhart here for even more fun.
So you want to grapple me in this battle of rhyme?
Oh honey you can be my new Tag Partner anytime.
I’m like a mix of DC’s Power Girl and Rogue from the X-Men.
This is why when it comes to Sex Appeal I am way hotter than a Cayenne.
But you don’t need to look so down hun, why things aren’t so bleak.
If you like hun, next time we can do a little “Team-Up Technique”.
We can soon see whose strength and stamina is greater.
Well hun, after this want to have some fun later? *wink*

(Then Tiffany is a bit shocked with a blush.)

Tiffany:
Wha?! Eh… So its Mind Games is it? Is that the best you can do?
Ah man it looks like those rumors about you and Lisa and Mila are probably true.
This kind of reminds me of Lucy and Cana from Fairy Tail….
But anyways, I will be the one to prevail!
Yeah I know Roy can be pretty insensitive but he is not really a bad guy.
I know he’ll become a kinder, more tolerant man as the years will go by.
Though I can’t help but notice that for a Rap Battle this isn’t all that mean.
Granted this Rap Battle is not exactly clean.
But what the heck, I suppose we can end this Rap Battle this way.
As we all give a good cheer to the U.S of A!

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

CELES CHERE, TERRA BRANFORD & RELM ARROWNY!

VS.!

TIFA LOCKHART, AERIS GAINSBOROUGH & YUFFIE KISARAGI!

BEGIN!

(Celes)
I am the Magitek Knight Celes! I can defeat you three especially this floozy barmaid!
As none of you three can stand up to my Runic Blade.
I am easily the superior warrior here by far!
Not to mention I actually have musical talent as I was once an Opera Star!
(Terra)
I am Terra and I am not sure if I should be here and maybe I am bit too docile.
As unlike most of you ladies here I prefer not to be hostile.
But I do believe that Humans and Espers can have peace with one another.
As I have a Esper Father but I also have a human mother.
(Relm)
Oh I do wish we can give a bunch of nasty monsters a good slaughter,
Instead of dealing with this Lesbian Couple and their bratty daughter.
As I am Relm the cutest little artist with lots of artistic skill!
Watch as my amazing drawings would often go for the kill!
(Terra)
Relm! You don’t know Tifa and Aeris so you shouldn’t give them such a judgmental rile.
Besides there is nothing wrong with having an Alternative Lifestyle.
Oh Celes I do understand that this may come off as a bit of a tattle.
But are you sure it’s appropriate that we brought Relm to this Rap Battle?
(Celes)
Oh I understand your views Terra as your concern does seem to be rather just.
As I, Celes Chere, shall defeat this floozy barmaid who relies on her oversized bust.
I mean after all Tifa your outfit is rather obscene.
However your flower giving compatriot is not entirely clean.
(Relm)
Oh I can be here just fine you two, though Celes yours raps do give me a bit of a surprise.
I’d thought you and Tifa would get along, you both have some things in common such as your bust size.
After all you two, men love to leer at your boobs especially when you two wear a certain dress.
But when comes to taste in men, Celes has a bit more success, right Celes?

(Celes’ face goes a little red as she glares at the gleefully grinning Relm while Terra tries to calm her down.)

(Tifa)
Well Celes I can easily make your “Holier-than-though” points rather moot.
As why am I getting lectures from a busty blonde running around in a swimsuit?
While it’s true that you’re Runic Blade can absorb any magic in this place…
But it won’t save you from a good grapple or a solid kick to the face!
(Aeris)
Oh calm down you two this doesn’t have to lead into bloodshed.
Now how about we get some flowers or perhaps a drink instead?
Oh you two wish to glare at each-other? Oh dear…
Times like this do make me wish that Zach was here.
(Yuffie)
Oh lighten up there Aeris these Rap Battles are suppose to be all in good fun.
After all when it comes to FF Lady Trios we are Number One!
Though Tifa you sure you want to argue with Celes whose boobs are bigger and greater?
Alright but don’t blame me if certain fans ship you with Celes later.
(Tifa)
*sigh* Oh this is starting to remind me of when certain fans ship me with Scarlet.
And to those fans NO I am not her personal sex-slave harlot!
Oh what is it with me and blondes…
Uh what I mean is Cloud and I have a truly great bond!
(Aeris)
Oh come now Yuffie we both know how Tifa feels about Cloud so there’s no need to bait her.
After all it does seem like Cloud will return her feelings back… well okay several years later.
However Celes you seem to still have some issues you need to resolve first.
As your “Haughty Ice Queen” persona still seems to be a bit well nursed.
(Yuffie)
So sorry you FF6 has-beens! We FF7 girls know how to perform!
Though I hope we don’t get attacked by Ms. Moody Green’s “Alternate Form”.
But still, I alone can out-rap and out-attitude the whole three of you.
Say little Miss Relm, are those rumors about you and Gau true?

(Now all 3 of the FF6 ladies look a little shocked, particularly Relm whose face is now bright red. But now we see Rosa, Rydia and Porom from Final Fantasy 4 on stage.)

(Rosa)
Rydia and Porom, you both are here? Alright then, cool.
Alright then girls, let’s show them all something a little more old-school.
We are the ladies of Final Fantasy 4 just so you all know.
I am Rosa, White Mage Extraordinaire, and I have exceptional aim with my bow.
(Rydia)
Alright Miss Rosa, I am Rydia, a Summoner from the village of Mist.
I can summon some powerful monsters that should never be dissed.
But summoning monsters is not the only part of my magical power.
As for example I can give you all a good ice shower!
(Porom)
Hello folks, I am Porom, the young Mysidian White Mage.
Both Rydia and I look up to Tellah the Great Sage.
My brother Palom and I can use powerful spells that can give monsters something to fear.
Though some things considered I’m kind of glad that Palom isn’t here.

[However Palom was nearby with the Eblan Prince Edge as Palom gleefully watches Rydia dance while Edge feels slightly uncomfortable. Though Rydia then does a little twirl in which she now turns into a fully grown and voluptuous young lady in which both Palom and Edge like what they see.]

(Adult Rydia)
Now I can summon a bunch more monsters that can fill up a large ship.
Not to mention I am also pretty good with a whip.
Seriously my various spells can destroy a bunch of foes in no time flat.
I may not be able to heal anymore but Rosa and Cecil more than make up for that.
(Porom)
WHAT?! What the… this is so blatantly unfair!
How come Rydia gets to suddenly grow up and show so much flair?
Alright calm down Porom there is no reason to be so easily riled.
But still how come I get to be stuck as a small child?
(Rosa)
Oh please calm down Porom, it’s not all that bad.
There’s a… long… and strange reason why Rydia is like this, so please don’t be mad.
But still girls let’s stay focused on our plans here in this musical scene.
As I am Rosa Farrell and I will be Baron’s Future Queen!

(Now we see Lulu, Yuna and Rikku from Final Fantasy 10 making their entrances on the stage.)

(Lulu)
Alright Ladies I am trying to make a point here, but I won’t be too incessant.
If you insist on bringing children here then at least make sure they are a bit more adolescent.
While I admit it is true that my body and robes can make even some of you ladies blush.
But it matters little as I can defeat you all with my various spells and my Cactuar Plush.
(Rikku)
Well, well it looks like our trio is not the only one to have a mage with a giant rack.
However style and beauty is certainly something Yuna and I do not lack.
The 3 of us can easily handle monsters of all sorts.
While in FFX-2, Yuna and I so rock the mini-skirts and short-shorts.
(Yuna)
Oh I wouldn’t say “rocking it but I did dress a bit more loose in Final Fantasy X-2
But I am still a summoner at heart at least that much is true.
Like my late great father Braska I shall become a fine priest.
I can summon many Aeon creatures to help us slay any vile beast.
(Lulu)
Well said Yuna, I can assure you that your words will become true.
But I do apologize that I wasn’t able to join you and your friends in X-2.
With all due respect to Wakka but I had to settle down.
However, my new ensemble would’ve probably shown more skin than my old gown.
(Yuna)
Oh it’s alright Lulu I understand, though I must say that my journeys have made me feel more gallant.
By the way Ms. Celes you are not the only one here with some musical talent.
Oh yes, that reminds me… oh dear…
Oh Rikku we should’ve asked Paine to join us here.
(Rikku)
Oh don’t worry about Paine there Yuna, I’m sure she won’t mind.
Besides even if we asked little miss Ice Queen Paine, she probably would’ve declined.
But what can I say? I’m sure we’ve won this little musical brawl.
Now c’mon you two lets watch Tidus and Wakka play a little Blitz Ball.

(Last but not least the ladies of Chrono Trigger namely Marle, Lucca and Ayla show up.)

(Marle)
Hey everyone, we are the ladies of Chrono Trigger!
Your chances of getting beat have just got bigger!
I am pretty with a crossbow and my magic can put my foes on ice.
I maybe a future queen but I’m no Ice Queen, in fact I’m normally nice.
(Lucca)
The name is Lucca and I am the Brains of this Team.
As I can easily blast you all with a fiery beam!
With all my gadgets, blasters and bombs I suppose I am a bit of a tech-nerd.
But I assure you one should never use that term as a curse word.
(Ayla)
I, Ayla, I can beat any Dinos with fists and a Club.
Also Ayla likes to chow down on a lot of grub.
Ayla really likes any Strong Man and Woman in sight.
Oh hello Tifa, we sure had some fun with Tina Armstrong last night, right?

[Then Tifa looks away, slightly red in the face as she twiddles her thumbs with Aeris looking a little surprised as Yuffie is smirking at Tifa there.]

(Marle)
Boy Ayla you do kind of get around do you?
But I guess it doesn’t matter as long as you’re my ancestor so far that seems to be true.
Perhaps I shouldn’t act so preachy and snooty.
After all I am also quite the shapely young beauty!
(Ayla, now fondling Marle)
Oh Marle you say you are Shapely Beauty do you?
Then let Ayla see if that is true.
Marle’s body not too bad but as you can see.
Marle have good figure but not compared to me.
(Lucca, annoyed)
Really? Is this really necessary I mean I don’t want to tattle.
But don’t we have enough Yuri fanservice in this Rap Battle?
After this, I’ll be back in my lab fixing up Robo, just so you know.
However if Marle and Ayla are busy perhaps I should spend some time with Chrono.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

DANGER MOUSE!

Penfold: And Penfold!

Eh… yes and Penfold eh… *ahem*

VS.!

BASIL AND DAWSON OF BAKER STREET!

BEGIN!

(Danger Mouse)
Greetings, I am Danger Mouse, and as my theme song says I am a Powerhouse.
Watch me as they say “Bring down the House”.
I am Great Britain’s Greatest Rodent Secret Agent by far.
While you are a C-Lister at best as Disney never truly treated you like a star.
I can take down the forces of evil with a nice mix of cunning and force.
Not to mention I can easily out-maneuver any Obstacle course.
So you so-called “Great Mouse Detective”, you still think you can match wits?
Besides unlike your movie my show was actually made by Brits.
Perhaps you will see that I am the superior mouse amongst mice.
Besides the real reason why anyone watched your movie was the late Vincent Price.
(Penfold)
Ah crumbs, DM, these rap battles are so much fun!
But of course when it comes to crime fighting DM, you are number one!
After all, DM is the strongest and the quickest and the best!
So Danger Mouse is such a big star from east to even the west.
Not to mention I am Penfold, Danger Mouse’s trusty sidekick.
I am here to make sure DM is still the greatest and fantastic.
Before Wallace and Gromit we were the original 80’s Toon Stars of the UK.
So you sure you want to take on DM in this musical fray?
Like the theme song says Danger Mouse is quite the Ace.
I’m sure DM’s raps and rhymes will put you in your place!
(Danger Mouse)
Well said there Penfold.
My rhymes are so cool they’ll leave Basil here out in the cold.
Like Penfold said we are some of the original animated stars from the UK.
As Penfold and I often save the day.
With my Secret Agent skills I am outsmart and foil any villainous trap.
And unlike you I am not a pompous snob, I am normally a rather affable chap.
But what else should I expect from a Rodent Sherlock Holmes Wannabe.
One doesn’t need to be a Master Detective to see that obviously.
Not to mention you seem awfully fixated on a certain “Oversized Sewer Rat”.
Penfold and I would’ve handled Ratigan in no time flat.

(Basil)
Oh these rhymes are so pitifully inept. Oh I’m sorry do you need some elaboration?
Alright then your rhymes are as weak and limited as your show’s animation.
So you accuse me of being a Sherlock Holmes rip-off is that your plan?
Humph, big talk coming from a blatant parody of Danger Man.
So you think defeating Ratigan would be easy like it was some mid-day jog?
That’s funny, coming from someone who has trouble taking down a decrepit old frog.
Besides I also know a thing or two about evading a highly elaborate Death Trap.
After all I did manage to out-do Ratigan’s trap and with a nice Photo snap.
Your boasts are rather questionable, are you sure you can achieve your objective?
After all you are matching wits with the Great Mouse Detective.
(Dawson)
I say chaps, is this fighting necessary? Must we insult and deride?
Keep in mind good sirs that we are all on the same side.
Perhaps after this we can go out for drinks, there is a certain place that I know.
This place serves decent drinks but it has a fabulous dancing show.
So Danger Mouse you claim to serve her majesty’s kingdom as being the best agent in the land?
Well I have also served my Queen and Country as a Military Doctor in Afghanistan.
And I assure you gentlemen that Basil is indeed a fine detective.
Although, Basil’s ego would at times make his priorities a little too selective.
Nevertheless I prefer to keep this civil as I will refrain from any angry rants.
After all, our movie helped convince Disney to give Animation another chance.
(Basil)
A fascinating point Dawson, in fact I will even admit that was rather well played.
Oh yes and I am well aware of the 1989 film The Little Mermaid.
But perhaps I shall clear a little something in this musical brawl.
My movie proved Disney that their animated films had a future at all.
So my movie was a sleeper hit and your series was a Cult Classic… well of sorts…
During the 1980’s you were one of Nickelodeon’s known imports.
But when the Nicktoons came you soon faded into obscurity.
Oh I’m sorry is this history lesson giving you some insecurity?
I suppose you are a decent footnote in early Nickelodeon History.
But I am the star of another classic movie from Disney.

(Danger Mouse)
Yes, yes your film was a sleeper hit. But no matter how many times you have said it.
When it comes to the “Renaissance Age” of Animation we should give Ariel some credit.
So you imply that I’m has-been? Your history lesson here is not well displayed.
For starters in both the UK and US my show lasted a decade!
You had a big movie that is true, but keep this in mind you egotistical louse.
After your movie all you had was a brief cameo on Disney’s House of Mouse.
So tell me Basil who here is the Has-been again?
Oh my you look almost as sore as that thrashing you got on the Big Ben.
It’s such a shame we couldn’t get Young Fievel here in this musical mix.
Considering how well “An American Tail” did on the Box Office back in 86.
(Penfold)
Good show Chief! I knew you’d be winning this musical fray!
After all you are the best Secret Agent in all of the UK.
Besides our show was the biggest animated series in 80s UK History.
And we will be getting a new series thanks to the BBC.
But of course it’s because DM and I see a lot of Action and Thrills.
As we… or he gets to show off a lot of Mad Kung Moggy Skills.
But there was one part of The Great Mouse Detective that was just so sad.
Was that poor little Miss Mouse Olivia, as she tries to find her dear old dad.
That poor little Miss’s pop got spirited away by that mean old bat.
But you were too busy wanting to take down a big Ol’ Rat.
(Danger Mouse)
You have made an Interesting point here Penfold in this musical battle of rhyme.
That Basil here was indeed a bit obsessed with taking down “The Napoleon of Crime”.
So Basil here is some crime fighting advice that I would gladly recommend.
That saving people from criminals is not just a means to an end.
You truly are like Sherlock Holmes as you both favor the same Musical Instrument.
Not to mention you’d rather outwit criminals than aid the innocent.
You and Ratigan seem to have a borderline “Bad Bromance”.
Say do you remember your first encounter with Olivia by any Chance?
The only reason why you took Olivia’s case is when she mentioned a certain bat.
Otherwise you would’ve brushed her off and crush the poor girl’s hopes down flat.

(Basil)
*sigh* I must confess that some of the things you said are true.
Mainly when it comes to Olivia, I do understand your views.
But I can assure you both that I have changed my ways.
I will remember my case with Olivia for the rest of my days.
Perhaps I was rather fixated on Ratigan but that is all in the past.
But that is because our history was so long and vast.
I admit that even now I don’t have the best grasp of humility.
But my skills as a Detective still have a lot of credibility.
Now with that being said, my skills and my style are a bit more refined.
You maybe limber and fit but I have a more scientific mind.
(Dawson)
Now see here, that’s enough from the both of you.
I am a better judge of Basil’s character that much is true.
Basil may be an obsessive egomaniac that has always been his vice.
But he is a fine heroic detective, the finest amongst all mice.
After all Basil was the one who stopped Ratigan.
Basil saved Mousetopia from Ratigan’s evil plan.
So don’t think that you have won this musical fray today.
Besides, hardly anyone knows you two anymore outside the UK.
Oh dear, I am so tired of all this negativity here.
Say would any of chaps like to stop this and go get some beers?
(Basil)
Later Dawson, after this I am sure we can go out and drink.
But your verse has given me some time to think.
Perhaps I shall question Danger Mouse’s ethics, let’s see how that would yield.
Like how you would frequently use Penfold for a furry little shield.
You deride me for my ego & pride and I admit you are not quite wrong.
But tell me why do you insist on using that rather boastful theme song?
I am quite the leader while you’re in a way a UK Government Dog.
Besides Ratigan has been defeated, but what about Silas that old green frog?
Oh yes and… *lights go down* Oh my, what's going on? Oh dear…
Say Dawson it appears we are not the only 80s Disney rodents here.

(Then a few rodents do appear on the stage but at first we only see their shadows. But the first ones who come into the light are Chip and Dale from Chip & Dale’s Rescue Rangers.)

(Chip)
Sometimes, some crimes go slipping through the cracks.
(Dale)
But these two, gum shoes, are picking up the slack.
(Chip)
There is no case too big, no case too small.
(Dale)
When you need help just call…
(Chip & Dale)
CHI-CHI-CHI-CHIP & DALE’S RESCUE RANGERS!

(Chip)
I am Chip, the Rescue Ranger’s Leader.
Our headquarters are located within New York’s finest Oak and Cedar.
I take my duties as Leader very seriously that much I can assure.
As compared to my associate Dale I am clearly a lot more mature.
But that doesn’t mean I am not fun I can show some spunk.
After all Dale and I are fine Heroic Chipmunks.
We have taken down all sorts of criminals like Professor Nimnul and Fat Cat.
Besides you all got to admit I am so rocking the Fedora Hat.
(Dale)
I’m Dale, co-founder of the Rescue Rangers, the crime fighters that are Number One!
Though unlike my best pal Chip here I know how to have fun!
I have done all sorts of crazy and amazing things in my show.
Like when I was with Aliens and when I became the Super Hero, Rubber Bando.
I maybe a goofy, nutty slacker and Comedy Relief but I am much more than that.
As I can help the other Rescue Rangers take bad guys down in no time flat.
Sure, Rescue Rangers only lasted 2 years which seems to be nothing to boast.
But Chip and I have been rocking it with Disney for nearly 7 Decades at most.

(Then a female mouse with a somewhat shapely silhouette is seen behind the curtains, in which Chip, Dale and Dawson and to an extent Basil and Danger Mouse seems to have noticed. But then that silhouette is Gadget’s as she is now on stage.)

(Gadget)
Hey there boys, I am Gadget Hackwrench of Rescue Rangers Fame.
Give me some tools and a good lab and I’ll show you all how I live up to my name.
I may have had plenty of admirers who think I look rather fine.
But I am first and foremost an Inventor and Scientist with quite the Scientific Mind.
I maybe the “Token Girl” but I am hardly ever a “Damsel in Distress”
In fact the only time I was known for being a “DiD” was in our first game for the NES.
I am normally a nice and friendly mouse lady but I am not one you should anger and insult.
Like that time I took down Bubbles and his Ninjas from the Coo-coo Cola Cult.
So like I said before I may be known for my Beauty but I’m definitely known for my Brains.
As I have made all sorts of things for the Rescue Rangers such as Weapons, Tools and Planes.

(Now we see a large mouse with his pet fly Zipper on stage and that mouse is…)

(Monterey Jack)
Too right luv’, brains and skills are certainly not something you lack.
Or my name ain’t Monterey Jack!
Think any of you boys can take me down? Oh please!
The only thing that can overpower me is my love of cheese.
Okay I admit I may still have some self-control issues with cheese that much is true.
But still when it comes to saving the day I can still come through.
Anyways the Rescue Rangers will be winning this Musical Battle of Rhyme.
Besides my raps can tear you down like a Dingo while I’m feeling just prime!
So my friends and I are known for saving people from various Dangers.
For we are none other than the Rescue Rangers!

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

SCORPION!

VS.!

GHOST RIDER!

BEGIN!

Scorpion:
I am Scorpion! The Master Ninja of the Shirai Ryu!
My blades can easily impale you!
I have been forged within the flames of Hellfire!
My raps alone can easily make you expire!
You lash demons with whips? Fool, I’ll show you how to use a chain!
As my deadly Kunai can go straight to the brain!
What can I say? When it comes to battle I have a fiery personality!
As most of my battles end in a fatality!
In fact anyone who sees my flaming skull will see death!
As I char them to the bones with my fiery breath!

Ghost Rider:
First of all I’m the original man of the Fiery Skull!
But what else do I expect from this flaming gull?
You’re like a Pseudo-Japanese Version of Spawn.
And like Mr. Simmons you were nothing more than a pawn.
Why do I say “Psuedo” you ask? It’s so obvious it’s absurd.
I’m no expert, but I doubt “Hisaishi” is a Japanese Word.
I have read up on your series’ convoluted history.
As you’re a well known tool, just ask Quan Chi.
So go ahead and keep bragging that you will “char me to my bones”.
You MK Ninjas have always been nothing but clones.

Scorpion:
Heh, a Marvel character preaching against “clones”, is this a joke?
After this battle I should tell that to Deathstroke.
While it is true that you may have had a longer history by far,
But you’re a Marvel Second-Stringer while I am Netherrealm’s Star!
I am easily going to get a Flawless Victory!
As I take down this Demonic Harley Davidson wannabe!
I am a True Japanese Shinobi, and my vengeance has yet to be sated!
Oh by the way your info about my name is slightly outdated.
You call me a tool to try to make my eyes twitch?
Heh Big Talk, coming from the guy known as “Mephisto’s Bitch”.

Ghost Rider:
Oh I know the fact that your status as Netherrealm’s mascot has given you such joy.
Could it be due to the rumors that your practically Ed Boon’s boy-toy?
Your flames cannot harm me, but I can burn and lash your hide.
Who are you calling a wannabe, what, are you jealous of my sweet ride?
You think your puny Kunai could match up to my bike and flaming chains?
I’m not surprised; your MK Heroes were not always known for your brains.
But perhaps hero is not the right term as your sense of justice is highly flawed.
If only you listened to a certain Thunder God.
What can I say? You played a big role in Quan Chi and Shinnok’s plans.
Don’t believe me? Why don’t you ask your old clan?

Scorpion:
Oh tell me Ghost Rider, why do you seem to have so much rage?
Is it because for years you were known for being played by Nicholas Cage?
You want to brag about your flaming motorcycle? That doesn’t seem to be very smart.
Because I doubt you would last in Kombat Kart.
While it is true that I have made plenty of mistakes in my series’ history,
But I have tried to walk on the right path as I have regained my humanity.
So yes the fate of my family and clan has indeed been quite sad.
I’d thought you could relate, considering what happened to your dad.
Shame my pupil Takeda is not with me to see you get a good sear.
That being said… *throws his kunai with a rope out* GET OVER HERE!

(Then Ghost Rider quickly deflected Scorpion’s Kunai with a lash from his Chain Whip.)

Ghost Rider:
Nice try, but that move was never that quick on the draw.
Besides what were you going to do to me next, uppercut me in the jaw?
You claim you have regained your humanity and now you play a wiser & more heroic role.
Yet I still detect a lot of demonic hellfire from within your soul.
Thanks to your desires of vengeance you are still quite the pawn in Shinnok’s plot.
Not to mention your relationship with Sub Zero is still rather distraught.
Perhaps the next time your series has another reboot you should adopt a new rule,
You should stop being everyone’s favorite tool.
But since your still a known demonic Revenant here is a rule of thumb.
Like I said in MVC 3, the day of Judgment is upon you scum!

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

TOM SERVO & CROW T. ROBOT!

VS.!

ORBOT & CUBOT!

BEGIN!

(Tom)
We are the true stars of MST3K!
(Crow)
So who will we be facing in this musical fray?
(Tom)
Looks like its two robo-rejects from Dr. Robotnik, oh sorry I meant Eggman.
(Crow)
What these generic looking floating tin cans?
(Tom)
Ol’ Robotnik must’ve been out of ideas for robots to invent.
(Crow)
Namely two dimwit bots, one with a fake British accent…
(Tom)
Who are also well known as Robotnik’s latest punching bags...
(Crow)
Seriously do you two have anything to brag?
(Tom)
Our raps and rhymes will prove that you two are second rate.
(Crow)
As we have been delivering the laughs since 1988!

(Orbot)
You mock our designs so is that some jealously we detect?
(Cubot)
Because we don’t look like a 3rd Grader’s Science Project?
(Orbot)
You foolish relics look like you just crawled out of a junkyard mess.
(Cubot)
Yeah you guys are old and rusty while we are the sleek new hotness.
(Orbot)
Although seeing you two does remind me of an earlier Sonic Show.
(Cubot)
Now that you mention it yeah the beaked one does kind of look like Decoe.
(Orbot)
We are not completely incompetent; we can be smart when push comes to shove.
(Cubot)
Yeah besides at least we’d have an easier time getting out of the Satellite of Love.
(Orbot)
So I seriously doubt you has-beens would put us in any danger.
(Cubot)
Yeah but when you two get back tell Gypsy don’t be a stranger.

(Tom)
Ah man listening to these two is kind of a bore.
(Crow)
Yeah I know we’d probably get better raps from Cyrax and Sektor.
(Tom)
But seriously you guys are calling us has-beens? That’s a bit of a low blow.
(Crow)
Since you guys came from a Franchise that should’ve retired over a decade ago.
(Tom)
Oh yes and I seriously doubt that any of you guys had some fun with Gypsy.
(Crow)
None of you guys are bot enough for her… well except for me.
(Tom)
Okay folks don’t mind my delusional cohort here; anyways I have a lot more style.
(Crow)
What’s the matter Servo? Jealous? C’mon don’t be in denial.
(Tom)
ANYWAYS, you guy’s rhymes are as fresh as a moldy Quarter Pounder.
(Crow)
Yeah why couldn’t we have taken on Scratch and Grounder?

[Then suddenly Scratch and Grounder appear]

(Scratch)
Ha! Did somebody call our names? Do my ears deceive?
(Grounder)
Well Scratch you know what they say, “ask and you shall receive”!
(Scratch)
We are the original Robo-Lackeys of Dr. Robotnik!
(Grounder)
Yeah you new badniks are not so slick!
(Scratch)
And you two mock bad old movies, big deal, any idiot can do that.
(Grounder)
Besides unlike you guys we are actually made for combat.
(Scratch)
Sure our string of failures may’ve been long and chronic.
(Grounder)
But I doubt any of you guys would do any better against Sonic.
(Scratch)
But when it comes to rapping and rhyming we’ll show you whose second rate!
(Grounder)
Yeah our rapping will break you guys more than Manos the Hands of Fate!

(Tom)
Geez Crow you just had to get these guys aboard, didn’t you?
(Crow)
Heh at least these guys look a little more unique that much is true.
(Tom)
And more pain than Manos? Oh that’s cute for an empty jest.
(Crow)
Yeah when it comes to pain you guys are “This Island Earth” at best.
(Tom)
Oh it’s such a shame that your franchise is still written by a lot of hacks.
(Crow)
Say Tom, didn’t a cut scene from Sonic ’06 appear on Rifftrax?
(Tom)
Yep, still there is way too many goofy comical robots here it’s becoming a hassle.
(Crow)
I know, now if only we could get Megaweapon in on this Rap Battle.
(Tom)
We are so winning this rap battle; I mean hey what do you expect?
(Crow)
Because unlike the Sonic series, MST3K still gets a lot of respect.
*sniff sniff*
Say Servo, is that you’re new Cologne that I smell?
(Servo)
Sure is Crow, now if you losers don’t mind I got a date with Maj. Motoko from Ghost in the Shell.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

AMURO RAY!

VS.!

LUKE SKYWALKER!

BEGIN!

Amuro:
I am the original Mobile Suit Gundam star Amuro Ray!
And I shall be the one to win this Musical Fray!
My series proved that Mecha Anime can be serious and hardcore.
As Gundam has a lot of epic lore about the perils of war.
Face it your light saber is no match for my Gundam.
When this is over I'll scrape you off like a wad of bloody gum.
In fact my Gundam can crush all you Jedi down in no time flat.
Besides you were known as the original Sci-fi whiny brat.
You may have been the star of the Iconic Star Wars series that much is true.
But just about everyone thinks that Han Solo was way cooler than you.

Luke:
You are calling me a whiny brat? Oh that's funny, that's too rich.
I'm starting to see why people cheered when you got slapped like a little bitch.
Seriously ever heard of the old lesson of "Pot meet kettle"?
Oh by the way my light saber can slice that Gundam into a pile of Scrap Metal.
I have become a fine member of the Jedi.
When it comes to personal matters I am normally not one to pry.
Oh I am sure being the first Gundam star makes you feel pretty rad.
But the only reason why you got that Gundam was because of your no-show dad.
Seriously you little punk I don't need to take any of your crap.
Now why don't you stay still so I can give you a Bright Slap!

Amuro:
Don't talk to me about dads Mr. Son of Vader!
Besides Anakin gave your series a lot more haters!
My Team-work skills is not something that I lack.
Besides you have been needing a hand since after Empire Strikes Back!
But seriously dude why are you trying to talk tough?
Compared to most of your allies your practically a cream puff.
So go ahead and brag about how you are such a Jedi.
For years, Star Wars was the Sonic the Hedgehog of Live Action Sci-Fi.
So you think you can beat me in this Rap Battle here Mister?
What ever you say Mr. "My first make-out session was with my sister".

Luke:
Really you little prick, really? Oh yes I never heard of that kind of joke.
Did I say Bright Slap earlier? Oh so sorry I meant a Force Choke!
Okay then what I meant to say is why do you bring up women in this battle of rhymes?
You ditched a perfectly willing girl to go after Char like what about 3 times?
But trust me your crack about Leia wasn't well played.
Because I take it you never heard of a certain Miss Mara Jade.
And you have good teamwork skills? Oh is that so?
You seem to prefer machines over people like that little Haro.
You are a distant antisocial little punk, just ask Frau Bow.
But of course you have issues you were made by Mr. "Kill'em All" Tomino.

Amuro:
*sigh* Yeah I admit I was a bit too distant to Frau.
In retrospection I do kind of feel bad about it now.
Considering how my love life went perhaps it was for the best.
Besides at least she got to be with Hayato so lets put this issue to rest.
I may angst a lot when I protect the people I care for from harm.
While you seem to barely care about what happened to your old farm.
Besides you wouldn't have even been a Jedi if it wasn't for your dad's old babysitter.
Oh sorry is that making you feel a little bitter?
So I feel pretty confident that even I am a lot cooler than you.
But then again people liked you better when you started to clown around since '92.

Luke:
Oh I am aware that like me, you were a boy who became a prominent hero.
Even though you were a wee bit obsessed with taking down your arch-foe.
That Masked Pedo Char's influence over you and your franchise is quite paramount.
As Bandai cloned Char how many times? I've lost count.
So you think people liked me more as Gotham's Clownish Sinner?
That's funny people liked you more when you were Quatre Raberba Winner.
So c'mon there Slappy you think you are going to be the Champ?
Then bring it on you antisocial autistic little scamp.
Over the past few decades my franchise knows how to thrive.
While Bandai, especially in the US, is barely alive.

Amuro:
Yes, yes but that's because your series became Disney's latest Marketing Whore.
At least your new movie is not like the prequels in which fans are still a little sore.
In my show I am known as the "White Devil" so I am not one to scoff.
You shouldn't doubt me unless you want your other hand to be chopped off.
So c'mon you old Has-Been Joker lets do this!
I still know a thing or two when it comes to the art of the Diss.
The first chick you made out with was your own sister as we all now know.
But the first chick I made out with was the sister of my Arch-Foe.
Oh yes and a lot of Anime fans still respect Yoshiyuki Tomino.
While most of your fans disowned George Lucas over a decade ago.

Luke:
Oh you little punk when will you realize it doesn't matter how many insults you've hurled?
As while Gundam is famous in Japan, Star Wars is Iconic all over the world!
So yes your Gundam has defeated the forces of Evil as you try to take down Char.
But I can blow that thing up with one shot just like the Death Star.
So your a robotic genius yet all you really made was the first of the Haro-Haros.
Which they seem to be rather fond of R2-D2, just so you know.
When it comes to Sci-fi Heroes I am the Main Course while your just Table Scraps.
Can we get this over with please? My old Holiday Special was better than his weak raps.
I'll end this off by saying how your first show was some poorly-aged drek.
That had some trouble with ratings for years, y'know much like Star Trek.

WHO WON?!

WHO'S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

DARTH VADER!

VS.!

BIG BOSS!

BEGIN!

Darth Vader:
All rise! Here comes the most iconic villain in Sci-fi History!
Who shall be the latest victim of my Musical Killing Spree?
So you think you can take me on in this battle of rhymes?
I have defeated Adolf Hitler three times!
Bring all the weapons you have against me you old buffed-up joke.
I don’t need my light saber; I can finish you off with a Force Choke!
Both you and your “son” have destroyed Metal Gears which are Tanks that walk.
Heh come back when you destroy something like a Death Star then we’ll talk.
So trust me your chances of winning are really quite slim.
They say Solid Snake is a clone of yours, heh more like you’re a clone of him.

Big Boss:
They say a Jedi Knight can sense one’s true potential and power from within.
Isn’t that right Darth Vader? Or shall I say Anakin?
You were once a known Jedi while I’m “The Greatest Warrior of the 20th Century”.
So something tells me I can easily end your little “killing spree”.
We may have been fallen heroes but you’re not exactly my equal.
Especially if we are talking about the quality of our prequels
Ever since Snake Eater just about everyone thinks I’m so manly and cool.
While for over a decade you were known as Palpatine’s favorite boy-toy tool.
Not to mention how your old days have cause havoc to your series’ lore.
Need some Aloe for that Burn? Oh wait that’s what your suit is for.

Darth Vader:
I’ve heard all the “Burn Scar” jokes before, is that your best plan?
Big talk from a guy who got killed with a lit match and a spray can.
You seem really fixated on our prequels though of course that is no shock.
But first of all when it comes to retcons you have no right to talk.
Star Wars is one of the most iconic films of all time so I easily have a lot more fame.
While your series didn’t really get famous until the third game
You think that talking about your prequels makes you feel pretty slick.
Until Snake Eater you were a hardly remembered plot twist gimmick.
I turned to the Dark Side to save my family so I was showing my conviction.
You became a villain just to feed on your wartime addiction.

Big Boss:
I can easily knock down your sudden self-righteous tone down flat.
You wanted to save your family? Oh yeah you did such a fine job at that.
So don’t you dare talk about my fate!
First of all your info about it is slightly out of date.
Our stories are convoluted, that is true, I can see why people deem them to be as such.
But the people still love Hideo Kojima, George Lucas? Not so much…
Still think you’re up to my level? Oh don’t be a fool.
I built my evil empire as its Leader, while you became your Emperor’s favorite tool.
My various groups of soldiers can easily send you straight to hell.
Not to mention how unlike you I always treated my soldiers rather well.

Darth Vader:
So you treated your soldiers well? Well that is true… at first.
But the 5th Metal Gear Solid game was you at your worst.
You always had your soldier’s love and respect is that what you’re trying to say?
Oh I am not sure if Ol’ Master Miller has always felt that way.
Yeah I know my prequel movies were really divisive but just so we’re clear.
When it comes to Retcons your easily the bigger offender here.
So had enough yet you Sean Connery wannabe? In fact here is some more.
I was once Mufasa while you were Jack Bauer from 24.
Ever since ’77 my series always knew how to thrive.
Meanwhile Konami is relying on Smartphones and Pachinko to try to stay alive.

Big Boss:
Yes Vader you guys got a sweetheart deal from Disney. Do we need to go over this again?
So you guys left Fox huh? No wonder why they want to cling to the Fantastic Four and X-Men.
Don’t get me wrong I understand why you guys love Disney for Episode 7 just so you know.
The last time you guys had a movie this beloved was over 30 years ago.
So go ahead and keep talking about how you’ve been famous since 1977.
But it’s obvious you would never last in Outer Heaven.
With my CQC skills I can easily knock you down on the ground.
If I was a Jedi Knight, trust me the Order would still be around.
You were the biggest reason why Palpatine became such a Villain Sue.
Search your feelings; you know it to be true.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLE OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

LINK!

VS.

LUCKY THE LEPRECHAUN!

Begin!

Link:
Really, people, really, of all the Villains and Heroes that I have fought.
My opponent today is going to be a US Cereal Mascot.
*groan* Oh I get it, it’s because today is St. Patrick’s Day.
Ah well at least this one will be an easy fray.
You can never outmatch my heroic legacy, as I am worth all the hype.
While your nothing but a long outdated cheap little Irish stereotype.
With my magic and weapons, I can slay any monster in any forest, tower or pits.
While you use your magic to make cheap Marshmallowy bits.
So do you honestly think you have any chance in this battle of rhyme?
After all I am none other than the Hero of Time!

Lucky:
Hoo boy there so it’s Elven Boy Vs. Leprechaun is it? Well alright.
Let’s see what I can do in this Musical Fight.
You want to talk about long legacies lad, are you sure that is the right ploy?
After all I have been on TV ever since Shigeru Miyamoto was but a mere boy.
Besides this is a Musical Battle my boy so there is no need for swords, bombs and bows.
It’s all about how well you can sing and do a stylish pose.
Don’t get me wrong my boy I can see why your games make you feel pretty great.
But you have been having a wee Personality Disorder since ’98.
You have been awfully inconsistent over the years, that much is true.
So Mr. “Hero of Time” which version of you am I talking to?

Link:
Ah man those raps and rhymes were just plain sucky.
I am so easily going to beat this so-called Lucky.
But I guess it could be worse at least this is not those horrid Leprechaun Horror Movies.
Nothing could save those flicks not even Debbe Dunning’s enormous boo…
Eh what I mean to say is I can easily beat you in a battle of wits.
When it comes to your cereal kids only eat the Marshmallow Bits.
Speaking of Kids, you keep running into kids with some thieving habits.
But I admit it could be worse, at least you’re better off than the Trix Rabbit.
So step off you hardly used has-been Marketing Tool.
You wouldn’t last an hour upon the forests of Hyrule.

Lucky:
I must say Link about your little slip there I am a little surprised by you.
Though this makes me wonder if those rumors about you and Samus are true.
But I suppose that doesn’t matter as I doubt you have a chance with her.
Perhaps we should ask Zelda about this as I am sure she would concur.
Though I admit it’s true that I am not on TV as much as I use to be.
Of course one could blame the not-so fine folks at the FCC.
I admit I liked you better as an Elven Boy fighting a Big Blue Hog.
Not to mention back then you had a better grasp in Dialogue.
Nowadays you may be one of Nintendo’s biggest Heartthrobs.
But as the old saying goes “Never send a boy to do a Man’s Job”

Link:
A Man, really dude is that what you just said?
As far as the Internet is concerned I have way more Street Cred.
Oh yeah and I am great with the ladies as I have no reason to have any shame.
Why I practically have a harem in just about every one of my games.
My franchise’s legacy and lore has become so epic and vast.
But of course you’d prefer my older days; has-beens are always fixated on the past.
I can slash down the forces of Evil with my almighty Master Sword!
While the only thing you’re known for is a Cereal Vice Reward.
So face it you little Marshmallow-peddling chump you were never much of a threat.
Pity you’re too big for my bottles since I still got my Bug-Catching Net.

Lucky:
Ah Link in the end your just a Violent Savage who is nothing but Talk.
Oh wait your not suppose to talk at all anymore! This is why you’re so easy to mock.
I’ve heard stories about how you like to keep fairies in bottles that much is true.
This is good because you’ll need one when my lyrics are done with you.
I don’t know why you call the kids I know thieves and bullies, how I do put this sedately?
Oh yes tell me my boy, how many pots and jars have you broken for money lately?
Over the years my Cereal has become a bit more Nutritious.
And as my old Jingles have said they have always been Magically Delicious.
So sit down my boy and have some breakfast for I mean you no harm.
Now if you excuse me I’ll be letting Zelda and Malon taste me Lucky Charms.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

SCAR!

VS.!

SHERE KHAN!

BEGIN!

Scar:
Ah greetings Shere Khan the so-called “Tiger King”.
So you believe you can best me then please do step in the ring.
I am the most brilliant Lion in all of the Pride Lands.
As I have my ways in making sure my subjects follow all my demands.
I have led all the Hyenas upon the Pride Lands in Africa.
While you only have Tabaqui, oh sorry I meant the Snake Kaa.
I am the true king of Price Rock! That will be undisputed!
As I shall be respected and saluted!
Yes my teeth and ambitions are bared!
BE PREPARED!

Shere Khan:
So you are the true king of Pride Rock and you claim that is undisputed?
Oh so sorry but I find that claim to be rather easily refuted.
So tell me Scar or shall I Taka why do you act so brash?
It’s rather odd to hear such boasts from one who’s named after trash.
They say Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Do keep that in mind as you’re obviously inspired by me.
But is that really true I wonder? After all strength and stamina is what you clearly lack.
Oh yes and Loki Laufeyson called, he wants his whole MO back.
A shame Mufasa is not here, he’d be a far worthier opponent for a brawl.
Unlike you who would be a lot easier to maul.

Scar:
Of course you’d like my brother more, you’re both brawny brutes.
While I am a conniving genius, that is something nobody can refute.
Though Shere Khan I will be happy to point out your little Faux Pas.
Keep in mind that these Rap Battles are won by words not teeth and claws.
But what can I say? When it comes to Brains I have the Lion’s Share.
Besides I always knew how to do things with more flair.
So you like to boast about how strong you are and how you’ll give me a good drub.
Big Talk, that’s coming from someone who couldn’t kill a Man Cub.
Trust me Shere Khan I can knock you down a peg.
Tell me Ol’ Khan how’s your leg?

Shere Khan:
Oh it’s just fine thank you, certainly better than your scarred eye.
Oh was that a bit much? I didn’t mean to pry.
You say that intelligence is importance that is indeed true.
But for such a “brilliant” Lion you don’t really seem to have a clue.
I quite frankly excel at both Brains and Brawn.
Both are equally valuable for a King and deep down you know that I’m not wrong.
You claim that you were a great ruler that should be respected by your subjects.
That could’ve been true if it wasn’t for your crippling inferiority complex.
It’s almost a pity we come from different lands which is why we’re never in the same cast.
But perhaps it’s for the best, in my jungle you would never last.

Scar:
Yes, yes Khan you’re the most feared animal in your Jungle that much is evident.
But in your original book you’re more known as the most arrogant.
So trust me Khan this “Battle” won’t be so easy for you to prevail.
Say isn’t that a Burning Bush nearby your tail?

(Then Shere Khan quickly looked behind but then quickly glared back at an amused Scar.)

Though as for Mufasa and Simba perhaps I was rather cruel.
But I am not like Loki; if I were loyal then I never would’ve got to rule.
I brilliantly schemed my way to the top as the True King.
Which is something you have yet to do, oh my does the truth sting?
You love to call me a weakling but I really don’t know what you mean.
After all unlike you I have killed a certain someone on-screen.

Shere Khan:
Oh Scar you do know how to obtain power that I will admit.
A pity that when it comes to Power your utterly incompetent in using it.
Through treachery and murder you were indeed crowned.
But it wasn’t long until you ran the Pride Lands right into the ground.
A pity you didn’t bring those Hyenas they would’ve given me a good bout.
I know you can’t say the same I mean we all know how well that turned out.
I may seem boastful but you’re far more arrogant as anyone could see.
But then again you’re such a classic example of Envy.
Though Scar I must say I do know how to end this musical fray.
Even if Simba never came back your reign would’ve failed anyway.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

DEADPOOL!

VS.!

AMBUSH BUG!

BEGIN!

Deadpool:
*yawn* Another one of these Rap Battles, well then let’s begin.
When it comes to these things, I always win.
Now “Marvel” at my Mad Rhyming and Dancing Skills.
As this “Merc with a Mouth” has had plenty of kills.
My sense of style is obviously so much greater.
But I’m not such a bad guy, want some Chimichangas later?
But seriously of all my potential opponents I ended up with you?
You’re not exactly well known; even you know it’s true.
In fact even your homeboy Bat-Mite said it best, just so you know.

*ahem*

(Brief clip from Bat-Mite in “Batman: Brave and the Bold” Series Finale)

Bat-Mite:
Ambush Bug? You’re an obscure character, even for this show.

Ambush Bug:
Oh I dunno, I am not entirely devoid of fame.
I am sure some MMO and Lego Gamers would know my name.
I’m a one of a kind while you’re a Xerox of Ol’ Deathstroke.
And yeah I know I kind of stole one of your official ERB jokes.
I know that your reputation of insanity is very well nursed.
But dude when it comes to 4th wall breaking I was here first.
After all She Hulk was the Queen of showing that 4th Wall some force.
Not to mention she has a far prettier face, among other things of course.
True I too was a one-note baddy before I become a Heroic Nutjob.
But you were a Generic Grimdark Baddy thanks to Ol’ Rob.

Deadpool:
Yes, yes I was a blatant Deahstroke rip-off, yes I know.
Geez and I thought the X-men were bad at letting things go.
Though times like this make me want to appreciate Ol’ Joe Kelly.
But I’m still way more famous so you are so Jelly.
Don’t get me wrong dude I’m all for admiring She Hulk’s huge rack.
But I’m the current king of the 4th wall break, that’s a fact, Jack!
Seriously when it comes to crazy awesome style I got it in spades.
Now hold still while I make you a greasy smear on my Katana Blades.
I’m an Internet Darling while hardly anyone knows what you are.
After all thanks to Ryan I am 2016’s first big Comic Book Movie Star.

Ambush Bug:
Yes Wade your movie did win a lot of financial success and fame.
It did way more than your fairly decent game.
So sure your movie did great but we all know the score.
It wasn’t hard for you to make up for 2015’s Fantastic Four.
So you claim you never lost a Rap Battle are you sure that is wise?
I dunno a lot of Boba Fett fans sure say otherwise.
Sure a lot of people find you to be so endearingly impulsive.
But some of your darker “kill the universe” comics are a tad bit too repulsive.
So the X-men don’t let things go, is that right?
Well you did KO poor Kitty Pryde just to pick a fight.

Deadpool:
Hey! I’m still an Anti-Hero so don’t bad mouth me Sonny!
Besides a lot of my fans thought my “Shoryuken!” was funny.
So knock off that “Holier than Thou” attitude before I squash you flat.
Though as for “Kills the Marvel Universe” *sigh* Okay I’ll grant you that.
But with my blades and guns I never miss my mark.
While your biggest actor was Mr. “Jump the Shark”.
Heeeeeeey don’t get me wrong I love the Fonz as much as the next guy.
But do you think these really dated references are going to fly?
DC rarely uses you anymore while I am one of Marvel’s biggest stars.
Shame this is no game, otherwise I’d whack ya with my Health Bar.

Ambush Bug:
It’s true my screen time is lacking but I am still pretty existent.
Besides at least my morality is a lot more consistent.
But when it comes to Modern Comics I am the original Meta Guy!
Not to mention I can also be quite the Gadfly.
I am an old Master of the Meta that is an undeniable fact.
I’ve been palling around with Speech Bubbles long before you got in on the act.
So your biggest star is Ryan Reynolds, sorry am I supposed to be scared here?
But hey it was awfully nice of you to help revive his career.
So you think your one of Marvel’s “Best of the Best”, heh since when?
Remind me how did your fight with Squirrel Girl go again?

Deadpool:
OH YOU JUST HAD TO BRING THE ANTI-LIFE INTO THIS, DIDN’T YOU?!
Seriously do you have any idea what that Slayer could do?
Bring her up again and you’ll get a Katana up the Spine.
Or perhaps I can make sure you have a face like mine.
You’ll have more pointy things in you than a Cactus.
Or perhaps Cable and I should use you for Target Practice.
But your just a one-trick pony who only knows how to teleport.
I got one more trick up my sleeve as a last resort.
A shame you weren’t in Injustice oh that would be such a dream.
I’m sure your Mind would be so blown by the Regime.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

APOCALYPSE!

VS.

THANOS!

Apocalypse:
So you are the Mad Titan and the Avatar of Death, is that correct?
*tch* You truly are a bloated lowly insect.
I am En Sabah Nur, I am the first Mutant for I am destined to rule!
And unlike you I don’t rely on gimmicky power jewels.
You may love to think of yourself as quite Infernal.
But it makes no difference to me for my rule is Eternal.
You foolish weakling you better get on your knees and bow!
For the Age of Apocalypse is right here and right now!
It would be wise of you to give the First One his due.
For I am as far beyond Mutants as they are beyond you!

Thanos:
Heh, first of all fool you grossly overestimated your own kind.
For I Thanos am Genocide and Destruction, redefined.
I am truly the greater conqueror as anyone can see.
While you try to rule earth I conquered the entire Galaxy!
As only a fool would underestimate the Infinity Gauntlet’s Power!
So tell me En Sabah Nur, why do you seem to be so dour?
Tell me are you feeling envious and incensed?
Oh good perhaps now you know who you’re up against.
I assure you all that I shall be the victor in this musical fray.
So your rule is Eternal huh? Not according to Jean Grey.

Apocalypse:
So you wish to talk about movies is that so?
I can easily out-match you in that way just so you know.
So far you have barely done anything in the MCU.
Not to mention how all your minions betrayed and left you.
You brag about the Infinity Gauntlet but why is it not in your hand?
Did Magneto use it to build his promised land?
You like to use the Black Order to reinforce your reign.
But they are far from invincible, just ask your son Thane.
Thanos has slaughtered his own kind just to sit on his intergalactic throne.
Blissfully unaware that Death, at best, puts him in the “friend-zone”.

Thanos:
THAT’S. NOT. TRUE. AT ALL!
Now you have sealed your fate in this Musical Brawl!
You have turned all sorts of heroes into your horsemen in the past.
But against my Black Order, none of them would last.
So when it comes to galactic-scale destruction I am well versed.
All things considered, I was here first.
When it comes to beating you I won’t need that certain glove.
Nobody gets between me and Lady Death, my one true love.
My name shall be the one that even you will fear!
Ah Lady Death! But she is with… Grrr… DEADPOOL GET BACK HERE!

(Then Deadpool blows a raspberry while giving Thanos the finger with his left hand and grabbing Lady Death’s breasts with his right hand. Then he gets into a silly pose as he is about to run.)

Deadpool (in his best Snaggle Puss impression): Exit Stage Left.

(Then Thanos chases Deadpool around as both Lady Death and Apocalypse facepalm at this scene here. Until the sky turned dark and stormy and a certain Dark Blue Warlord makes his grand entrance.)

Darkseid:
Do you all know who I am? Then I suggest you read my lips.
For I am none other than the True Lord & Master of Apokolips!
Oh don’t you dare glare at me like that you big blue sod.
For in my world I am God!
As for you Thanos you’re just a mild Irritation.
Even Jim Starlin knows that you’re just my imitation.
I am the most monstrous villain in all of DC History!
Even Superman and Batman would want to destroy me!
I am so powerful and vile I can make the Justice League run and hide.
For am I none other than Darkseid!

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

BATMAN!

VS.!

IRON MAN!

BEGIN!

Batman:
I am the Dark Knight, The Caped Crusader and the World’s Greatest Detective.
Who is up against Anthony Stark, a man whose Moral Compass is often defective.
You got a whole army’s worth of Weapons in one Super Suit.
Sadly it’s wasted on this egotistical womanizing man-child brute.
Yes I too use tech but you’re a Jack of all Trades but a Master of None.
All you need is some armor plating and a utility belt to get the job done.
I also use my brains and martial art skills while you rely on your toys.
I have been a Superhero ever since Stan Lee was a teenage boy.
I can defeat just about anyone with some time to Plan.
For I am Vengeance… I am the Night… I AM BAT-MAN!

Iron Man:
So you think I am being childish, is that true?
That’s funny if anyone here is the Man Child I’m sure it would be you.
So why so serious Bats, is it because my suit is state of the art and second to none?
Or is it because unlike you I know how to have fun?
With my suit’s weapons I can take on just about any villainous squad.
Then later I’ll be giving Selina and Talia a taste of my Iron Rod.
But seriously man when it comes to personality I have a lot more appeal.
You pretend to be a wealthy playboy while I am the real deal.
Also when it comes to sidekicks I won’t make any rants.
I got a well-trained and armed army man while you have a boy with no pants.

Batman:
So you wish to goad me with your vulgar humor is that your ploy?
I’m not surprised; you always had the mentality of a teenage boy.
You think you have the superior suit and gadgets? Oh please…
With a special Batarang I can disable that suit with ease.
You claim to no longer being a Merchant of Death but I am no fool.
Nowadays you have a tendency to be the Government’s Favorite Tool.
You say that you’re a fun-loving guy while I’m a brooding bore.
Then how come you and the Cap keep dragging the Avengers into a Civil War?
You love to claim that when it comes to ladies you always get lucky.
Yet you seemed awfully sore that Steve dumped you for Bucky.

Iron Man:
Wait you’re gay-baiting me?! HAHAHA! Oh that is rich, that is so clever.
Since the 50s everyone thought you and Robin are the gayest duo ever!
You are one of the biggest Pedo jokes long before Michael Jackson.
Good thing your face was never as waxen.
Though seriously Bruce what’s with you and those boys and Gordon’s Daughter?
Namely how many times you end up leading them into the Slaughter?
I admit the Avengers maybe infighting too much nowadays but don’t play dumb.
At least I don’t constantly treat my fellow Super Heroes like potential evil scum!
So you try to prevent the League from doing anything bad I see.
Riddle me this Bats how come you don’t do the same to your Rogue’s Gallery?

Batman:
Not true! I don’t hate the Justice League, they just need some self-control.
Though, perhaps I can at times be a bit overzealous on that goal.
You claim that my Contingency Plans are not something to condone.
Yet I never placed my allies in a dark dimensional prison zone.
My Wards have become some of the world’s finest heroes amongst their peers.
While you’re Force Works lasted like what? Two years?
I’ve heard all the Pedo Jokes before Stark that much is true.
Yet Jim can trust Barbara with me a lot more than you.
I am one of the most popular heroes in DC History.
This Rap Battle will wound your pride more than Iron Man 3.

Iron Man:
Really Bruce, want to bring up movies? Is that what you’re going to do?
Do the words “Joel Schumacher” ring a bell to you?
So you want to control the Justice League isn’t that a little extreme?
What? Are you just butt-hurt that they won’t let you lead the team?
Like a clown once said you’re just a boy in a play suit crying for Mommy & Daddy.
You’ve been obsessed with Vengeance ever since that night on Crime Alley.
Then again I’ve got my Parental Issues too so who am I to talk about that?
But I’ve got my way to end this little musical spat.
I liked you better in the Adam West TV series as it’s easy to see.
It’s one of the only times Gotham was actually a safe place to be.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

MAI SHIRANUI!

VS.!

TIFA LOCKHART!

BEGIN!

Mai Shiranui:
I’m Mai the fine Kunoichi from the House of Shiranui.
I’m one of the famous Kunoichi in Fighting Game History.
Yeah I may be known as the “Ninja Chick with the huge breasts”.
But like I often say I’m Nippon Ichi A.K.A Japan’s Best!
I have mastered the Art of Fighting with Fans and Flames.
Not to mention I have been in WAY more games.
I’m the first lady in Fatal Fury and to SNK I am the original Sexy Goddess.
When it comes to Fighting Game Beauties I’ve always been one of the hottest.
My man Andy Bogard and I can make short work out of anyone in a fray.
But don’t worry I’m sure you’ll hook up with Cloud some day.

Tifa Lockhart:
It’s been said that your looks and style can make just about any man Randy.
Except for a certain male Ninja namely Andy!
So go ahead and keep bragging about your fancy Ninja tricks.
But they are no match for my powerful punches and kicks!
I’m normally not one to brag about my hotness.
I admit when it comes to Final Fantasy I’m also quite the “Sex Goddess”.
But more importantly if you want to fight I can give a good show.
So shall I beat you with a Beat Rush or a Dolphin Blow?
You may love to think of yourself as quite the looker.
You are why people think Kunoichi look like over glorified Japanese Hookers.

Mai Shiranui:
Really Tifa, really, I can easily make your last point moot.
As its big talk from someone who actually once posed as a prostitute.
So you don’t want to compare the sizes of our gloriously huge racks?
Okay then I can knock you down with one Deadly Ninja Bees attack.
We all know whose legacy is obviously greater.
As when it comes to Sexiness and Ninja Skills I’m quite the Innovator.
For years you had problems scoring with Cloud, even you know it’s true.
Even certain ladies show a bit more interest in you.
So what really went on with you and Scarlet in that Gas Chamber?
Was she going to tie you up on her bed for a “Night of Passion” later?

Tifa Lockhart:
Oh so you want to use maliciously lewd rumors I see.
Tell me, have you been molesting Dead or Alive’s Kasumi?
But here is one point I’d like to bring up in this Musical Brawl.
As you barely seem like a real Ninja at all.
And yes Mai, Kunoichi are known for using their sex appeal and feminine whiles.
But any idiot can see you coming by miles.
As for how I can be with the ladies, I’m not sure what game you’re playing.
Yet you’re often on an all-female team… I’m just saying.
And I did get to be with Cloud after all, even if it was several years later.
But still my love life compared to yours is so much greater!

(Then suddenly Blue Mary comes in to intervene)

Blue Mary:
Alright that’s it break it up you two that’s enough.
I’m here to stop this little musical display of guff.
All 3 of us are well known for our sex appeal.
Not to mention Tifa and I are known examples of “Boobs of Steel”.
So we don’t need to bring up love lives too much that is true.
And for the 5th time this week Mai, Andy is just not that into you.
And as for you Lockhart, don’t worry too much about Cloud.
As long as you’re still a strong caring heroine I’m sure you’ll make us all proud.
But there is one question on my mind as the years have gone by.
Am I the only Sexy VG Action Babe to actually get a guy?

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

BANDIT KEITH!

VS.!

CHIBODEE CROCKET!

BEGIN!

Bandit Keith:
Name’s Keith Howard but I’m well known as a Bandit.
My Rhymes and Cards are so bomb I hope you can stand it.
But hey I don’t blame you for being so nervous there chum.
After all I am the manliest bad boy in all of Duelist Kingdom.
So what’s with the fab jacket and hair, what are you from Fire Isle?
But then again hardly anyone can match my Badass American style.
So you are supposed to be a Boxer? Is that your plan of attack?
What? Neo America couldn’t get their hands on Little Mac?
So Chibodee you better keep up your guard.
Think you can beat me; trust me it’s not in the cards.
My Raps and Duel Monsters will smash you flatter than a NYC Pizza.
I will be winning this battle… IN AMERICA!

Chibodee Crocket:
*sigh* Seriously folks am I suppose to take on this clown?
Alright then I might as well take this one-note chump down town.
You think you are so manly and tough oh that is so good for a laugh.
Lucky for you, you got saved by the Yu-Gi-Oh! Anime Staff.
Being the best boxer in Neo America is my claim to fame.
You’re a washed up has-been, because of some silly card game.
You like to talk about your Card Game skills, is that the best you can do?
I’m the Ken Masters to Domon Kasshu’s Ryu!
I can defeat you and any of your “Monsters” with just one punch.
Oh what’s that you can’t say the same? Heh call it a lucky hunch.
When it comes to being an American Hero I have more strength and stamina.
Hey wait a minute aren’t you actually from Canada?

Bandit Keith:
No! Don’t make me whip out my gun!
Besides who are you to talk about Canadians, you were voiced by one.
But Chibodee before you start making up some crazy theories.
The idea of me being Canadian was only in the Abridged Series.
Besides when it comes to Duel Monsters I’ve never been defeated!
The only reason why Pegasus won was because he cheated!
Yeah I know what went down in the Manga but I’m not feeling any shame.
For I am way tougher in the Anime and especially the video games!
So you think my skills and coolness are just plain mediocre?
Y’know for a guy who’s scared of clowns you can be quite the Joker.
I hope you don’t start blubbering about your dead mom in this scene.
But what else do I expect from the Shuffle Alliance’s Queen?

Chibodee Crocket:
Ah exploiting old Childhood Traumas my you’re a real classy guy.
Now hold still and let me see how far you can fly.
So you want to bring up my Shuffle Alliance Rank but that’s no surprise.
Yet I’m with 4 fine ladies while you’re with three ugly guys.
We can talk all we want about style.
Yet I’m not the one who is in blatant denial.
Sure Pegasus is a cheater but he can be quite clever.
Besides the last time you played an honest game was basically never.
You like to use come cheap and underhanded ploys.
Yet you are often beaten by young boys.
So face it chump, when it comes to card and rap battles you so got played.
Now excuse me while I show my ladies my rather big spade.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

HOT ROD!

VS.!

LT. FALCON!

BEGIN!

Hot Rod:
I just drove in for this musical battle of rhyme.
Name’s Hot Rod, but you can call me Rodimus Prime.
I have beaten the Decepticons when I tossed out Galvatron.
Not to mention I was the one who blew up Unicron.
In other words I was the reason why the Autobots won the Cybtronian War.
Oh was that too much for you? I hope you were keeping score.
So I kind of doubt that your raps are going to impress me much.
After all what can I say? I do have The Touch.
Face it little birdie my raps are so cool they’ll put you on ice.
I got the Breakfast Club while you got some Miami Vice.

Lt. Falcon:
Hey man why do you got to diss Miami Vice in this musical fight?
After all it gave us classics like “In the Air Tonight”.
So you blew up Unicron among other things, is that how you said it?
I dunno, I’d give that Crystal Coconut of yours a bit more credit.
When it comes to Autobots you must think you’re quite the Heart-throb.
Heh… More like you’re a stupid punk with a tacky paint job.
So bring it on Bender, you Luke Skywalker-wannabe!
You really don’t have the best mark in Transformers History.
It’s kind of surprising that those Autobots would let you lead your little guild.
After all it was kind of your fault that your old boss got killed.

Hot Rod:
Oh really? I’m getting lectures from such a fine security guard?
Discrediting you is so not going to be hard.
Seriously though, this is coming from a guy who was this close to a Court Martial?
But don’t worry Falcon; I’ll try to be a little more impartial.
I mean hey Vinny, even if you did your job and watched the Security Monitor display…
To be fair the Joes still would’ve failed miserably on that fray.
After my movie, I’m still a franchise regular, so yeah I’m feeling pretty sleek.
The most attention you got was from DiC.
But I’m sure you’d want to forget those episodes as much as you can.
Especially the time you got all drugged up by a certain Head Man.

Lt. Falcon:
Hey man the “Say No to Drugs” movement was really big back in the day.
Besides you really want to bring up Post-Movie episodes in this musical fray?
So you think you’re such a beloved leader? Then let me give you some advice.
If you’re so hot then why did they bring back Optimus Prime twice?
You had a few scenes with Arcee in that Autobot City Scuffle.
Yet didn’t she and Springer end up becoming the official couple?
So face it you can circuit-glitched diode-blown dimwit, I can out-rap you any day.
After all I’m not only a Joe but I’m also a Green Beret.
So sorry it went down like this Roddy, but someone had to lose.
It’s the Nature of the Business. It’s the Auto-Blues, Auto-Blues.

Hot Rod:
Psst… Hey uh… Vinny, you’re no Glenn Frey.
But hey all you got is some Blood & Oil nowadays.
Guess I’m not one to talk; best I’ve got lately is Ben 10K and Eon.
But let’s get back on track here for this song.
Don’t worry I hope I didn’t come off as too brash.
I wouldn’t want to burn any bridges between us there “Nash”.
So you hooked up with a somewhat cute kunoichi, well isn’t that groovy?
Too bad it was only in your debut movie.
So face it Vinny, I’m not someone you can easily defeat.
Now why don’t you get lost and go look for a heart beat?

WHO WON?! WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

TETRA!

VS.!

TRON BONNE!

BEGIN!

Tetra:
Tetra here, my pirate crew is second to none!
But I can easily handle you with my cutlass and gun.
First of all yes I admit, I maybe small and cute.
But I do lead a crew of great swashbuckling brutes.
Our series’ maybe “Legendary” but I am the bigger star.
Besides you only starred in one spin-off game so far.
Like I said before I am the Leader of my Pirate Crew.
You could never say the same thing now can you?
So there is no way you can beat me Miss Tron.
But hey it’s not the first time you lost to a Blonde.

Tron:
Why you little brat, I don’t care about your ranking.
Come over here and I’ll give you a good spanking!
I liked you better when you were looking more “Sheik”.
Now I’m stuck here babysitting this little pipsqueak.
So there is no way I’m going to deem you a threat.
Besides my Servbots and I are loved by the Internet.
Your crew are just your babysitters you little brat.
Why else would a bunch of burly men follow this rugrat?
So you think Little Link is your favorite Fella?
Of course you would after all you are Princess…

(Then Tetra fires a warning shot at Tron Bonne in which a rather shocked Tron dodged.)

Tron: WHAT THE…

Tetra: Hey no spoilers!

Tron: Oh please, most of us already know who you really are by now.

Tetra: That doesn’t mean you can give out unwarned spoilers, anyways… *ahem*

Tetra:
My franchise and legacy clearly has a lot more fame
After all at least my sub-series got its third game.
I got a certain Link in my crew so I have already won on that goal.
When it comes to Boy-Toys you kind of lost out on that “Roll”.
So yeah the future of your Love Life is getting rather slim.
Maybe Mega might like you more if you didn’t keep trying to kill him.
I maybe the cutest little Badass that you will ever see…
But I do believe in treating my crew firm but fairly.
You make those little servbots do almost all your work.
When it comes to those poor little guys you can be such an abusive jerk.

Tron:
Not true! I do care for my Servbots thank you very much!
After all, my Servbots can be great in a Clutch.
My Servbots are so versatile they are the best.
Don’t believe me? Just ask Frank West.
So don’t try to goad me I won’t fall for your tricks.
But yes the higher-ups at Capcom can be such pricks.
When it comes to Mega’s heart I will be in 1st place.
Well… as soon as I can get him home from space…
Still the Bonne family shall win this Musical Brawl!
Besides you clowns don’t seem like threats at all.

(Then Tetra’s whole crew comes in doing a little synchronized dance behind Tetra.)

(Tetra’s Pirate Crew)
We’re the Crew-Mates of Tetra, the Pirate Princess.
After when we’re done you’ll be the one in distress.
(Nudge)
Who are you calling weaklings you loud-mouthed brat?
I alone can easily smash all your toys flat.
(Senza)
So do you have boy troubles there Miss Tron?
You know what they say “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.”
(Gonzo)
Your misadventures end here Tron, that’s our ploy.
Besides we all know your brother Tiesel is Glyde’s play-toy.
(Mako)
Though I do like your gadgets, I admire their gears and frames.
Besides, those Servbots are more profitable than your games.
(Zuko)
Yeah our crew can easily make short work of you.
Besides you Bonnes can never handle a certain boy in blue.
(Niko)
Uh-huh our Pirate Crew will always comes out on Top!
After this battle is done we’ll make a mint at the Junk Shop.

(Then a certain large man with white hair makes his entrance.)

Tiesel Bonne:
So a bunch of grown men are ganging up on this young girl?
Such deplorable tactics, it almost makes me want to hurl.
But I assure you that numbers is not something we Bonne’s lack.
SERVBOTS get ready for the attack!

(Then the Servbots come in doing a cutesy dance.)

Servbots:
Yes sir! We’ll never let Miss Tron down.
Now it’s time to take these guys down-town.
Our Miss Tron can easily make you guys history!
After all she was so cool in Marvel vs. Capcom 2 and 3.
We can cook, clean, slice and dice and shoot flames.
Besides our series is the Ensemble Darkhorse of the Megaman games.
The Bonnes can out-rap you guys in every way.
Here is the Mic Tiesel, now take it away!

Tiesel Bonne:
Of course, I can easily out-rap any one of you.
Well first of all those rumors about me and Glyde and clearly untrue.
So you think your princess has a lot more history?
Of course, it’s due to her absurdly convoluted family tree.
When it comes to the Bonnes I am quite the Mastermind.
Not only am I big and manly but I can also be refined.
Lots of people call me the biggest loser, but it’s so plain to see.
I often know how to turn defeat into a victory.
So the Bonnes shall easily beat you boorish oafs in this battle of rhyme.
As we shall be stealing all your loot in no time!

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

FRANK WEST!

VS.!

CHRIS REDFIELD!

BEGIN!

(Frank West)
Frank West here, showing up for this little Rap Battle show.
Of course I would be here after all I’ve covered ways you know.
You may’ve got stronger with all the zombies & monster’s you’ve fought.
But I can get my levels even higher with one good snap-shot.
When it comes to fighting Zombies I know how to have a good thrill.
Besides I got some nice shots of Sheva, Claire and especially Jill.
You may be good with guns but I can fight with just about anything
Especially with Mini-Chainsaws and Knife Gloves that are great for slicing.
A shame Leon isn’t here I mean sure he maybe a pretty-boy punk.
But his 2nd game got your series out of its funk.
Oh what’s that you’re the original RE Hero? Well that’s just fine.
But your return in the 5th game has put RE in a COD decline.

(Chris Redfield)
Here’s a “Revelation” for you Franky, you’re so not going to win.
I’m an iconic man of legend while you’re already an aging flabby has-been!
So you’re bragging that you have pics of Sheva, Claire and Jill galore.
Let me guess, you’ve had sexual harassment lawsuits before?
Besides like they would want anything to do with this sleazy creep.
Who is also pretty tacky and cheap?
Leon is indeed a good man but so is Chuck Greene.
He is a lot more heroic than you not to mention more lean.
I have aided in Umbrella’s downfall, what about you and Phenotrans there Mister?
You might want to be careful with saving your first Big Bad’s sister.
So being the first Dead Rising hero is your claim to fame.
But seriously man what you really done since after the first game?

(Then suddenly a large demonic creature just landed on the stage in which Chris holds up his gun and Frank readies his Camera. Then the demonic creature stands up then reverts to his human form revealing himself to be…)

(Samanosuke Akechi)
I am the one who the Genma will fear.
For I am Samanosuke, the original Onimusha is here!
While you two are facing evil Big Pharma wannabees,
I took on the most infamous warlord in Japanese history!
You two have had hard times against Zombie brigades.
While I have made many Demons taste my blade.
I can slash them all down before you can say “Issen”!
It appears that I am dealing with Westerners once again.
But I suppose that matters not when I can outmatch you both blow for blow.
Then again I can take you both out with just a bow.
As anyone who faces me in battle is truly out of luck.
Because with my sword, you’ve been Thunder-struck!

(Then someone came in and leaped into the scene with a sword slash that Samanosuke blocked with his sword in time, it was then that this swordsman is revealed to be…)

(Dante)
Sorry Mr A.C Samurai, but I am putting some style in this show.
Of course I’m stylish, just ask my homeboy Viewtiful Joe!
Dante here, my raps can make any Devils cry as you can see.
Not to mention I can outgun you guys easily with Ebony & Ivory.
So Chris, think you’re the toughest monster slayer, well bring it on son.
Say when are you going to let Jill handle your other gun?
Well Frank when it comes to Zombies & Malls you do know how to thrive.
Pity you couldn’t get a certain busty blonde to stay alive.
Though I gotta say Sam what happened to poor Kaede is not that exceptional.
A real pity we couldn’t get someone here who’s a bit more “Professional”.
Oh sure I may have some issues but I’m certainly no worse for wear.
Besides unlike you guys I always did have a lot more flair.

(Then a lance gets thrown in the stage in which all 4 of the combatants dodged it, in which after it got stuck on the wall, the lance thrower reveals him to be.)

(Arthur)
Greetings Lads, please cease this shooting and slicing.
For I am Arthur, the one true King!
I am the Mario of Horror, for I always save my Princess from the Forces of Evil.
Not to mention I am pro at tossing all things Medieval.
Say what you will of my armor but my Heroic Spirit shall never be outdone!
Those who succeed on my journey are truly Number One!
I have definitely made my mark in Classic Video Game history.
As I bring far more challenge than any one of you easily!
Oh don’t get me wrong lads I’m certain you all deserve your fame.
Though I’m curious how many of you would pass the 1st stage in my games.
But perhaps the time for boasting has ended lads so let’s end this musical prattle.
To Arms, lads, for there are many monsters to battle!

(Then all 5 guys strike a pose before they are ready for combat.)

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

SYPHA BELNADES & MARIA RENARD!

VS.!

MORRIGAN AENSLAND, FELICIA & HSIEN-KO!

BEGIN!

(Sypha)
I am Sypha Belnades a Witch who is the church’s greatest hunter.
To challenge me into battle would be your greatest blunder.
My powers come from the spirits that are within the void.
For I shall make sure that all 3 of you monstrous creatures are destroyed!
(Maria)
Whoa easy there Sypha these 3 are on the side of good there see?
Except maybe Morrigan but she does have a decent history.
Besides these musical battles are all in good fun.
Not to mention we both have worked with the Count’s heroic son.
(Sypha)
*sigh* You do speak the truth there Maria as I do understand.
But I am so devoted in slaying all the evil monsters in the land.
Yet I have odd memories of you as a little girl upon a rather strange night.
But it does please me that you’ve become a young woman alright.
(Maria)
Why thank you Ms. Sypha I do remember that rather “Judgmental” Scene.
I always did admire your immense “Sacred Gifts” if you know what I mean.
Oh dear perhaps I have spent too much time away from Alucard.
But I assure you that we’ll win Sypha or my name is not Maria Renard!

(Morrigan Aensland)
So the wife of Trevor Belmont is here in this Musical Fray?
I wonder if Trevor became another example of my prey.
Calm yourself Miss Witch I only meant that in light jest.
Though how did you once pose as a man? What with your enormous breasts.
(Felicia)
Name’s Felicia, the most famous Catgirl in Fighting Game History.
With my claws I can go on a slicing spree.
Oh Maria you were such a little cutie when you made your debut.
But I do agree that you became a fine lady in Symphony of the Night too.
(Hsien-Ko)
I maybe a Jiang-shi but I am also a Dark Hunter so hold your applause.
As I have all sorts of weapons up my sleeves including my enormous claws.
With my dear sister Mei-Ling who is literally on my hat.
I can slay all sorts of monsters in no time flat.
(Felicia)
Oh Sypha I also serve the Church for I am quite the Nun.
But I am also a singer and dancer so I know how to have fun.
Though I sometimes worry that your heart can be full of anger and fear…
You were so mean to Cornell! *sigh* Perhaps it’s good that Jon isn’t here.
(Hsien-Ko)
Eh let’s not talk about the Darkstalker guys here, I’m not taking any chances.
I’m still trying to avoid a certain Zombie Lord’s vulgar advances.
Though I did once get to work with Frank West.
He seemed to be cool, though he likes to take close-up shots of my breasts.
(Morrigan)
Alright I’ll keep quiet on Demitri, that lovable savage noble brute.
Besides you two are just so shapely and cute.
We should keep this party fun, so let’s not feel so drab.
When it comes to a good time I know what to grab.

(Then Morrigan gleefully fondles Felicia’s & Hsien-Ko’s breasts, Hsien-Ko appears to be slightly shocked, however Felicia is not surprised and is slightly red-faced about it.)

(Sypha)
Morrigan you truly are a harlot as its plain to see.
I have my spell book to use if your hands get anywhere near me.
Perhaps I do have some pity for the Jiang-Shi and Miss Feline.
Pity Alucard isn’t here; he knows how to keep a Succubus in line.
(Maria)
Nice shot there Sypha, not bad for a Witch/Hunter who lives like a Nun.
Even someone like you can loosen up and have some fun.
Sypha and I do have a connection after all we are sort-of related.
But are we? I’m not sure, it’s really complicated.
(Sypha)
It matters little in the end Maria, it’s not that necessary for this show.
I’m a Belnades, you’re a Renard, that’s all you need to know.
I became Trevor’s beloved bride as he and I shared the same fate.
While you three would be fortunate to even get a solid date.
(Maria)
True we are both some fine witches who can take on the creatures of the night.
Whether it’s during a “Rondo” or a “Symphony” I’m always good for a fight.
However I do have a question for you three that I’d like to ask today.
How come you three rarely let that Bee Girl come out and play?

(Then 3 other silhouettes show up namely a shapely woman with insect features, a little girl with bat wings on her head and a little girl with a hood holding an Uzi, they are….)

(Q-Bee)
Sorry we’re late, getting these two here can be such work.
But with all the souls I get, at least my job still has some perks.
I’m the Right-Hand Gal of Jedah Dohma the true savior of this land.
His plans to save and recreate the world are truly grand.
(BB Hood)
I don’t buy any of that crap, but quite frankly I don’t care.
I’m B.B Hood the ultimate Dark Hunter; I always slay monsters with some flair.
But don’t worry, I’m a sweet little girl, I always know how to have fun.
By slaughtering my enemies with my machine guns!
(Lillith)
Name’s Lillith, Morrigan’s dear little sister just so you know…
Oh this is going to be so much fun; I can’t wait to start my Puppet Show.
We are going to have more fun than any little girl ever should.
Especially, since I am with my Beloved Sweetie, B.B Hood.
(B.B Hood)
FOR THE LAST TIME LILLITH STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Grope me again and I’ll make your brains go splat.
Oh this rap battle is so much of a headache, this is so dumb.
Could we at least get “Rondo” Maria here, so I won’t stick out like a sore thumb?
(Lillith)
Oh come on now B.B, I’m sure someday we’ll be wed.
After all just ask my sister, I’m so great in bed.
What can I say? Man or woman, I’m always quite the prize.
Now which one of you wants to give me their elegant eyes?
(Q-Bee)
Oh these two can be such a hassle, even in this musical fight.
I do hope Lord Jedah will give me more souls for this later tonight.
Though I must say Ms. Maria’s question is a good one.
How come you three rarely let me have some Crossover fun?

(Then the music stops)

Morrigan: Well we can’t help it if you’re too busy babysitting these two while trying to be Jedah’s housewife.

Felicia: Besides we did let you be in the 1st Project X Zone game.

Q-Bee: Yeah briefly, you three got to be in Marvel Vs. Capcom 3.

Hsien-Ko: Hey those two were in the previous games I felt lucky that I made the cut for MVC3.

B.B Hood: And what are we chopped liver?

Lillith: Yeah our track record is only slightly better than Q-Bee’s….

Maria: *ahem*

(Then Maria & Sypha point at the show’s Logo)

Morrigan: Oh right, our bad…

*ahem*

Castlevania as a Franchise does have a longer history.
But Capcom is doing a tad bit better than Konami.
When it comes to sexy monster ladies we are second to none.
So Lillith dear let’s take these ladies and have some fun.
(Hsien-Ko)
Oh dear…
It looks like Jedah Dohma’s forces are here.
The “Vampire Savior” Trio here maybe a bit more demonic…
But the “Night Warriors” Trio here is clearly more iconic!
(Felicia)
Hey I remember you! Always going after Jon, you’re a mean little brat.
I ought to spank your little bottom flat.
I normally love being with kids, singing & dancing with my kitty banners.
But I ought to teach this little one here some manners!

(Then just as the Lady Darkstalkers were about to battle a certain Lady Vampire enters the stage.)

(Carmilla)
Is it just me or are there way too many Darkstalkers here?
But it matters not as my power as a Vampire is without peer.
I alone am proof that Castlevania’s legacy is obviously greater.
After I destroy you all I’ll have my way with these two later.

(In which Sypha gives Carmilla a bitter glare as Maria rolls her eyes a little.)

But perhaps I shouldn’t be hasty; you all would fit in great with Dracula’s horde.
Besides you all would make great playmates for me and my dear Lord.
Whether its pleasure or pain, I am great with either route.
Though I suppose it’s a shame I didn’t bring Laura in this bout.
Rest assured a fight with me would never be dull.
As I always did know how to ride a skull.

(Then three shapely silhouettes appear nearby in which these 3 ladies are.)

(Varla Gunns)
Alright you three let’s give these monster bitches some bullets in their heads.
For we are the sexy Spin-Off ladies from the House of the Dead!
We may be sexy bad bitches but when it comes to guns we have great aim.
We’re probably getting more action here than in our own games.
(Candi Stryper)
Hooray! Oh this is so much fun; I’m so digging this beat and musical flow.
Say Felicia, can I please get some tickets to your next show?
Oh wait a minute this is supposed to be a rap battle, oh right…
Anyways with our guns we are always good for a fight.
(Linda Rotta)
I am Linda Rotta, the Heroine of Zombie Revenge.
Though I never got that title, I mean who would Zombies want to avenge?
Eh what I mean is I’m not quite like these two.
I’m an AMS Agent, not a stripper unlike these two that much is true.
(Candi Stryper)
Oh come now Linda, you’d make a great stripper, it can be so much fun.
There is nothing wrong with having a little fun on the side there hun.
While it’s true that the three of us don’t have many claims to fame…
At least Linda here fully went through her only game.
(Linda Rotta)
Oh I’m sorry Candi, besides I admit I am not too prudish about how I dress.
Though I wonder if you two would make great agents for the AMS…
Yeah Sega hasn’t treated us well, maybe someday they will atone.
Though why was Rikiya the only one to be in the 1st Project X Zone?
(Varla Gunns)
Oh trust me those assholes at Sega can be so full of shit.
After how Overkill ended I gave those fuckers quite a nasty fit.
But let’s lighten things up ladies, after we send these bitches in traction.
I’ll be showing you blondies some great threesome action!

(Then Varla has arms around Candi & Linda with a gleeful smirk on her face. Candi has a big smile on her face while Linda looks away uneasy with a slight blush.)

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

GIOVANNI!

VS.!

HAMMERHEAD!

BEGIN!

Giovanni:
I’m Giovanni of Team Rocket, the Original Crime Lord of Pokémon.
And I’m just wasting some time here with one of the Maggia’s pawns.
I wonder why Silvermane is sending out one of his flunkies to this musical fray.
Let me guess Old Man Manfredi is far too old & frail to come out and play?
When it comes to Spider-Man’s foes at best you are in the C-List.
But I am Kanto’s most notorious criminal, now do you get the gist?
So bring it on you Al Capone-era Mobster wannabe,
I’ve noticed some strange things in your history.
You got a super-strong metallic skull thanks to a severe concussion.
And you act like an Italian Mobster yet you’re actually Russian.
Like the old theme song says… Team Rocket blasts off at the Speed of Light.
Surrender now or be prepared to fight!

Hammerhead:
Listen slick-top when it comes to the Maggia I’m an old pro at making a hit.
You call me a lowly flunky yet if anything I am the one who is slumming it.
My skull and upper-body is made of Adamantium there bub!
When it comes to crime lords and mobsters your just a scrub.
In the games your whole organization got taken down by some 10 year old boy.
And it’s all because of the weak incompetent mooks that you employ.
I can take all you Team Rocket chumps down in one clobbering spree.
What’re you going to do? Send that blue-haired fruit & that stuck-up redhead against me?
I got a way longer legacy, isn’t that right my Merry Marvelmania Men?
Well, long before Nintendo tried to sell glorified cockfighting to children.
So when it comes to Nintendo you are just simply a has-been.
At least I’ve heard your boy tried to take on Charles Darwin.

Giovanni:
I… I have no idea what you are talking about.
Now listen here you metal-headed lout.
So you want to brag about how hard your head is and how much damage it has dealt?
That’s alright I’ll just tell my Pokemon to hit you below the belt.
Though, perhaps I should think of using other Pokémon for such a fight.
After all it’s been said that Adamantium is susceptible to magnetism right?
Oh sure we may have fancy-looking suits that look oh so slick.
But I’m the crime lord while you’re just a mook that’s a one-note gimmick.
You’ve tried to be a crime lord to give those superheroes their bruises and bumps.
Too bad Wilson Fisk tends to make you look like a chump.
So it’s obvious to see that I, Giovanni will be the one who will win.
After all when it comes to Pokemon, I’m the original Kingpin!

Hammerhead:
Oh please, like you said I took on Wilson Fisk before, you don’t even rate.
Now sit down punk while I set the record straight.
Yes I have worked for other crime lords before but I can be the Main Man.
When it comes to taking you down I do have a plan.
Shame I didn’t bring Kraven, he would be much more into these magical critters here.
Then again he’s probably showing Ash’s mommy his “other spear”.
As for my boss Silvermane, you shouldn’t be talking smack.
At least he didn’t exile himself when some kid gave him a few setbacks.
So you want to use your Pokemon to fight me? Is that right buddy?
That’s okay I’ll use them to decorate my boss Silvermane’s study.
A lot of people think Professor Oak might be Ash’s Dad that much is true.
But you know if I were a betting man my money is on you.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

SHE-HULK!

VS.!

WONDER WOMAN!

BEGIN!

She-Hulk:
Well well if it isn’t Ms. Suffering Sappho!
Want to get a musical beatdown in this rap-battle show?
Name’s She-Hulk and I can be downright sensational.
My desire for a good time can be quite insatiable.
I can outclass you in just about anyway.
I’m the original sexy busty Lawyer Lady long before Mia Fey.
I admit I was once a normal lady who tried to aid her clients.
Now I am one of the strongest and of course sexiest Green Giant.
So sorry Princess I didn’t mean to steal your Thunder.
But seriously girl why you got to pick on Stevie Wonder?
But I can give you credit where it’s due so no need to stress.
You were one of the only things people liked about BvS.

Wonder Woman:
I am one of the original Super-Heroines in Comic Book History!
Watch me as I do battle with this Green Big Barda Wannabe.
You may be one of Marvel’s strongest Super-Heroines, that much is true.
But I’ve had my way with Power Girl I can easily overpower you.
I’m also well known as a Feminist Icon.
Since I am such a fine mix of both Beauty and Brawn!
Oh sure I suppose you can say the same thing but my legacy is clearly greater.
But still want to have some fun with my Lasso later?
You’re Heroic Strength and Spirit is admirably undeniable.
But your raw power and sexuality is rather desirable.
Honestly I don’t know whether to put this sword between your eyes.
Or get my hands on you from your face to right between your thighs.

She-Hulk:
Oh trust me; I doubt that sword is going to go near my eyes.
And I think I’ll pass on the latter… *with a coy grin* Sorry guys!
Let me guess you got tired of not getting in a 3-way with Clark & Bruce.
You got to do better than that in order to have a truce.
Over the years you fought foes with a Lasso, Sword and Shield.
But all I need is my fists to make you want to yield.
So yeah you do have a longer history and a lot more fame.
Then again your maker was a little too into some Bondage Games.
Yeah you were in the JSA along with the original Black Canary.
But back then the JSA guys treated you like a glorified secretary.
I’ll finish off this little verse with one more strike.
Let me guess do the Amazon’s treat you like the Village Bike?

Wonder Woman:
Oh dear I thought you swung that way too Jen, how can I tell?
What you never had fun with Titania in that Prison Cell?
I know you have a long history with men even if it might make us distraught.
Like that time you once hooked up with the Juggernaut.
While I admit that Superman and Batman are bigger stars that much is true.
But you have yet to appear at all in the MCU.
Sadly callous male executives are why I have less toys, movies and shows.
Don’t believe me? Ask your little acquaintance Black Widow.
Nowadays you may be known for having a lot of humor and Sex Appeal.
But I do remember your Savage Debut which was quite the ordeal.
We can battle now to see whose strength and stamina is greater.
Or I can show you how much stamina I have in my bedroom later? ;)

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

HULK!

VS.

BANE!

Hulk:
Does Funny Talking Masked-Man want some of this?
BECAUSE HULK IS STRONGEST THERE IS!
Hulk knows how to smash all over this scene.
So don’t listen to dumb frog, it is easy being green!
Hulk is one of the biggest heroes in Marvel History!
As for Avengers Hulk is a real OG.
Gamma Power is why Hulk will thrive.
While Masked Man needs drug to survive
So Masked Man thinks he can talk trash?
THEN HULK SMASH!

Bane:
So you have gone back to your savage ways I see.
That’s not surprising, you’re well known for that inconsistency.
Prepare for defeat you savage Jade-Jawed Neanderthal Loser!
For when it comes to comics I am THE Original Genius Bruiser.
I am quite certain you have no chance to win.
You couldn’t even beat Bruce Jenner… oh sorry I meant Caitlyn.
While you are a well known Marvel Superhero that much is true.
And yet I am far less likely to cause lots of damage than you.
You are why Bruce Banner was forced to be a drifting land rover.
Perhaps you’d like a trip on a rocket ship when this battle is over?

Grey Hulk:
Yo, Grey Hulk here otherwise known as Mr. Fixit.
I’ll be dishing out the hits and some stylish musical wit.
Glad to see your sounding Mexican again there slick.
Cause you were sounding awfully Scottish in the 3rd Nolan Bat-flick.
Oh sure you once conquered Gotham, that is well known.
Too bad Talia pretty much put you in the Friend Zone.
So you think you’re the original Genius Bruiser, is that your ploy?
Funny, you don’t look anything like Ol’ Hank McCoy.
You maybe Brawny & Brainy but your usually someone else’s flunky.
But that’s because you’re just a roided-up Venom Junkie.

Bane:
Yes I have been powered by chemicals that are placed up my sleeve.
So has your old homeboy Captain Steve.
Besides its big talk coming from one who relies on Gamma Waves.
That much Nuclear Radiation would normally send someone to their grave.
You seem to have multiple personalities in this musical fight.
Perhaps you should spend some time in Arkham Asylum tonight.
You sometimes call yourself “Mr. Fixit” as you’ve already said.
So why do you like to talk like that C-Lister Flunky Hammerhead?
But it matters not as power is certainly not something that I lack.
After all I was the one who broke the Bat’s back!

Grey Hulk:
Oh big deal! Any strong being can cripple Batman that much is true.
It’s only surprising cause you guys at DC constantly treat him like a Gary Stu.
You think that thanks to your Venom you can give me a good thump?
Yet if anything happens to your tubes you go down like a chump.
When it comes to strength I can give you a good heft.
I’d kick you in the nuts but I doubt you have any left.
So you think you’re going to win this battle of musical rhyme?
Then as an old associate of mine likes to say its Clobbering Time!
I will be winning this little musical fray.
So bring it on you oversized one-note Lucha Libre!

Bane:
One-Note, oh please, when it comes to villains I can be quite the symphony!
But there are some things I question about your history.
Sure the MCU became really popular we all know the score.
But how come we hardly ever see your Grey Side anymore?
Of course people fear you as a Monster, here is a simple deduction.
Whether you’re Green or Grey you are a force of absolute destruction!
Yes I am a known Villain and I do say that with some pride.
But seriously why are you on the Good Guy’s side?
People have described you as a Walking Earthquake.
But to me you’re more like a coloring mistake.

WHO…

(Then Abomination comes in rips off one of Bane’s tubes and sucker punches Bane knocking him down.)

Abomination:
Greetings I am Emil Blonsky also known as the Abomination!
I shall be beginning this act of musical domination!
Bane claims to be a brilliant mastermind who gave Batman’s back a good crunch.
Yet that Masked Fool just got felled by a Sucker Punch.
Of course I wanted to show up in this musical battle show.
After all, Hulk; I am your One True Foe!
But I am not always such a bad man Bruce after all I am not flat out petty.
Like that time I gave some blood to your beloved Betty.
Whether you’re Green or Grey I’ll make you Black & Blue.
After all I want to make sure that I’ll be the one to defeat you.

Who won?

*ahem*

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

BOBA FETT!

VS.!

VILE!

Boba Fett:
I’m Boba Fett the deadliest Bounty Hunter in the Galaxy.
And I’m the greatest badass in all of Sci-Fi History!
So you better give the son of Jango his due.
Say pal does the term “Copyright Infringement” ring a bell to you?
I mean c’mon people it’s just blatant to see!
That this poser is obviously a purple me!
Seriously LucasArt how come you guys never tried to sue Capcom?!
Even today your looks make me want to face-palm.
So get out of here you poser get out of my sight.
Besides, even a Ewok would give me a better fight.

Vile:
A guy from Star Wars complaining about rip-offs, isn’t that novel?
You call me a bad copy, yet if anything I’m the superior model.
So tell me Boba why are you so angry in this Musical Fray.
Is it because you lost a reason to celebrate Father’s Day?
Besides you’re a one-trick pony while I got quite an arsenal.
A lot of my weapons can easily reduce you to particles.
Then again like Hitler I can just take you down in one shot.
Oh I’m sorry is the truth making you feel distraught?
Sure I got blown up in battle but I won’t throw a fit.
Besides at least I didn’t get chewed up by a toothy sand pit.

Boba Fett:
THAT’S NOT TRUE ANYMORE!
Alright “Vava” sit down while I settle the score.
Yes I know about Episode 6 that much is true.
But seriously folks look up on the damn Star Wars EU!
You got that “Faux”-ba Fett?
Then again I should calm down I mean it’s not like you’re a threat.
So trust me I’m the one who’ll win this musical rumble.
After all I almost made Luke say Uncle.
I can shoot you down before you even twitch.
Besides, I’m my own man, while your Sigma’s little bitch.

Vile:
Yes Boba I’m well aware of the Ol’ Star Wars EU.
While Disney saved Star Wars they sure didn’t save you.
So in other words yes you still got in that ol’ Sarlacc Pit.
Ol’ Georgie says you might’ve got out but take our word for it.
Nowadays you’re usually a little boy with a moody emo tone.
Meanwhile I was one of the nastiest baddies in the 1st Project X Zone.
After all there is a reason why they call me Vile.
Besides I’ve got a sleeker and more stylish profile.
So yeah I’m easily the stronger and deadlier baddy.
At least I won’t go down like what Mace did to your Clone Daddy.

Boba Fett:
Say Vile why so bitter, you has-been from Capcom.
Tell me, is it because Mega Man X never took you to the prom?
Oh we all know that you’re a known example of Foe Yay.
But don’t worry I’m sure you’ll hook up with X & Zero someday.
We all know I have a far longer & greater history.
I was around before Capcom even came to be!
I’ve heard that you’ve been destroyed by a Light Saber.
Good thing my ol’ home boy is none other than Darth Vader.
Even you have to realize I have a lot more fame.
What? Still sore we didn’t let Capcom make a Star Wars game?

Vile:
Ah yeah you guys dodged a real bullet there you lowly Hired Gun.
Yet people liked Star Gladiator way more than Teras Kasi for the PS One.
So yeah thanks to Disney, Star Wars does get to thrive.
But how come you weren’t in Rogue One A.K.A Episode 3.5?
You think you’re an OG Sci-fi baddy, well that’s just fine.
Yet in the original trilogy you had like what, 5 lines?
When it comes to dirty deeds I can be quite cruel.
So you can’t dance your way out of this like you did with Deadpool.
True you’ve been a known Space Bounty Hunter since ’78.
You made your debut on Life Day, isn’t that great?

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

JIRAIYA!

VS.!

OBI-WAN KENOBI!

Jiraiya:
Alright! Jiraiya the Toad Sage is here!
Let all the little froggies here ribbit and cheer!
What can I say? I am quite the wild and stylish sage.
While your personality, like your robes, is awfully beige.
My power and mad skills are beyond belief.
After all I am one of the 3 Sannin of the Village of the Leaf.
While I am well known as THE Super Pervert!
But mess with the Leaf Village and you’re in for a world of hurt.
So let’s just say we are not exactly equals.
My raps & rhymes will wound you more than your prequels.
I’m also quite the Author; shall I write you an Epitaph?
I write the “Make-Out Paradise” books, want an Autograph?

Obi-Wan Kenobi:
An autograph for your trashy books, no thanks, I’ll pass.
A Z-Grade Fifty Shades of Grey is hardly World-Class.
I already doubt that you’ll win this battle of rhyme.
After all Star Wars is one of the biggest franchises of all time!
In fact if I may be so bold here.
The Star Wars franchise is turning 40 this year.
Naruto was a decent-sized anime footnote about a decade ago.
That is until we got to that overly long Shippuden show.
The force is with me as my raps and rhymes are quite sound.
After all, like I said once before I do have the High Ground.
So you think you can best me with a good hair pricking?
Perhaps in the future you should do a little less toad licking.

Jiraiya:
Hey man I’m all for Free Love but I’m no hippy.
In fact I am quite the War Hero here Skippy.
So tell me why do you always sound so self-righteous?
What? Is it because you and Jesus share a strong likeness?
So get all your pals from your little Space Wizard cult.
When it comes to rapping & ninjitsu I show results!
Not to mention I’m easily the superior mentor.
When it comes to fighting & the ladies I know how to score.
You so need to get laid man… oh so sorry I forgot.
Jedi are not allowed to get laid at all, are you feeling distraught?
I can think of many ladies that are quite luscious.
After all tonight I’ll be pleasuring a certain duchess.

Obi-Wan Kenobi:
Ah I see your womanizing reputation is quite true.
I hope you know of a good Anti-Chlamydia Jutsu.
Though I dunno why you talk about your conquests in this musical brawl.
After all you never got to pleasure Lady Tsunade at all.
So I have no worry over Duchess Satine.
After all you are practically the anime version of Charlie Sheen.
So I see that boy Naruto Uzumaki is your little padawan?
I hear your skills as a Mentor are second to none.
Though I’m not we should trust this lecherous drifting debtor.
Besides as teachers Kakashi & Yamato are a tad bit better.
Now don’t get me wrong I’m not calling you a phony.
But you did turn that boy into a one-trick pony.

Jiraiya:
H…Hey that’s not true at all!
Thanks to me Naruto has quite the blue balls.
Okay I admit that did not come out right.
But still sure you want to talk about pupils in this musical fight?
The way you and your Jedi buddies treated Anakin was not so smart.
Gee it’s no wonder why the Jedi Order fell apart.
Besides whom are you calling a one-trick pony Mr. Glow-stick Sword?
My Viz Homeboy Kenpachi could have all you Jedi chumps floored.
So yeah maybe Naruto is reliant on the Rasengan but is that so bad?
I wanted to honor my ol’ homeboy 4th Hokage Minato, namely his dad.
But speaking of homeboys I’ll remind you all why I am the Toad Sage.
It’s time for the Gama-frogs to enter the stage!

(Then the frogs Gamakichi and Gamatatsu enter the stage.)

(Gamatatsu)
Hi-de-Ho!
(Gamakichi)
Yo! We Gama-frogs are here in this Rap Battle Show.
(Gamatatsu)
Wow Mr. Glowstick a lot of the things you do is kind of a bore.
(Gamakichi)
Yeah like that lame “fight” you had with Vader in Episode 4.
(Gamatatsu)
Say Gamakichi can we start the Froggy Song?
(Gamakichi)
Not now dummy, we got to prove how we have grown strong.
(Gamatatsu)
But Gamakichi can we at least get a snack?
(Gamakichi)
No you dummy now let’s get this song back on track!
(Gamatatsu)
Oh sorry Gamakichi I didn’t mean to make you mad.
(Gamakichi)
Ah the heck with it we stalled long enough, come on out Dad!

(Then a giant samurai robe-wearing frog with a pipe and sword comes in.)

(Gamabunta)
Alright boys here comes your daddy, Gamabunta the Boss Toad.
So Jiraiya this yutz is why my sons and I left our humble abode?
Oh please I can take this pampered snob down with one Toad Blade Cut!
You Jedi fools could never have out froggy swagger & strut.
So you think your Jedi powers & lightsabers make you feel so slick.
To me that thing looks more like a glowy toothpick.
So what can I say? I am so worth the Hype.
Besides you’re too small to even scratch my pipe.
Seriously this is like sending an ant against an elephant.
Let’s just say you are way out of your element.
Alright sons it’s time for us to leave the stage.
So take it away now Toad Sage!

Jiraiya (Sage Mode):
Alright now it’s time for me to finish this bearded fop.
As here is a little Aesop.
Oh sure you Jedi were known for hubris & arrogance.
This led the Empire into a state of darkness & decadence.
So you want to brag about your high ground, is that your plan?
Wasn’t that why Anakin dumped you for that old man?
But seriously man you failed miserably with Anakin.
Kind of like how you failed your old master Qui-Gon Jinn.
As a mentor you were even worse to his son even you know it’s true.
And not just from “a certain point of view”.
Your fighting skills in the original flicks were nothing to boast.
This is why you spent most of them as a Force Ghost.

Ben Kenobi:
This has gone for far too long, now it’s time to get back into business.
Now I’m going old-school as the late great Alec Guiness.
I admit the Jedi did have a complicated & problematic past.
But at least we never treated an orphaned boy like an outcast.
You brag about being Naruto’s godfather is that your ploy?
Then how he never met you until he was a 12 year old boy?
When it comes to turning boys into heroes your far worse than Goku.
Also you’re still too hung up on your bad bromance with Orochimaru.
So let’s just say you could have an even greater legacy & history.
That is if you weren’t so reliant on a senile old frog’s prophecy.
If you were more responsible you’d be a better hero in your show.
Don’t believe me? Why don’t you ask Nagato?

WHO WON!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

FROG!

VS.!

SLIPPY TOAD!

BEGIN!

Frog:
Greetings I am Frog and I hail from Chrono Trigger.
I can slash any fiend with great speed and vigor.
For I suppose I am in a bit of a surprise…
that my opponent is from a C-Lister Nintendo Franchise.
Tell me thy fellow Frog why do you seem to be so gloomy?
Is it because thy puny blaster is no match for my Masamune?
But then again I am not just good with a sword.
For I can use watery attacks & even summon a giant froggy lord.
I am aim to avenge and honor Sir Cyrus for that is my knightly vow.
As for skill and drive, what hast thou?
For I, Frog, can aid my allies with mine sword with great agility.
But with your allies you are too often a liability.

Slippy:
*sigh* People still won’t let me live down Star Fox 64.
They often forget that I have great gadgets galore!
I maybe no leader but I don’t have any disdain.
For in Team Star Fox I am the Heart and the Brains.
I know you were once human you former knight’s lapdog.
But couldn’t you have come up with a better name than Frog?
Oh yes and I love the SNES as much as the next guy, just so we are clear.
But sorry Glenn you are not exactly Shakespeare.
I know your desire to avenge Cyrus is no mere idle whim.
So why did you ally yourself with the guy who destroyed him?
You call Star Fox a C-Lister? So you think I am lacking in fame?
That’s funny; at least I appear in more than one game.

Frog:
I admit I disliked the fact that Magus became one of the allies.
I assure thee that doubting me would be most unwise.
Thou seem to favor gadgets than battle or so I deduce.
However I am uncertain if that is a valid excuse.
After all Lady Lucca is exceptional in both gadgets & battle.
For I assure thee that is no mere prattle.
You constantly need rescue as it has been said before.
Though why do thou sound so feminine in Star Fox 64?
Looking back it’s a shame that Nintendo did drive Argonaut away.
For thou Toad seemed more capable back in the SNES days.
After all I am a knight whose sword is made of the finest alloy.
But in thy team thou art just a mere boy.

Slippy:
Who are you calling a child you moody little green jerk?
You almost let some poor kid do your dirty work.
Oh yes as for blades, oh sure it maybe cliché to use Excalibur.
But why are you using a Japanese Sword there sir?
You call yourself a Knight but you were more like a drifter.
Can you really deny that mister?
You think I’m a boy yet I became a Married Man uh… Toad.
I don’t see anyone living with you in your forest abode.
Oh sure there maybe rumors with you & Lucca that much I know.
But we all know she would rather get it on with Chrono.
So yeah you’re a pro swordsman but that don’t mean a thing.
You would still make good target practice for my Arwing.

(Then suddenly the stage fogs up a bit as we a certain frog in a hat & trench coat.)

Kermit:
Hello folks Kermit T. Frog here live from Sesame Street.
Who is about to show these froggy posers on how to drop the beat.

(Then Kermit takes off his coat & reporter hat.)

Kermit:
I am one of the original Muppet stars.
And I’m obviously more famous than you two by far.
Seriously it’s obvious how I have a lot more legacy & fame.
I’ve been a Muppet leader long before Square or Nintendo made games.
But I suppose that is enough about me.
Now it’s time to show them who is the superior emcee.
First here is Star Fox’s biggest scrappy...
Whose inventions are decent at best and hardly all that snappy…
And as for this failed squire who became a greenback.
Say uh buddy Thor Odinson called he wants his speech patterns back.
When it comes to raps & rhymes I am beyond compare.
Besides I’ve heard better jokes from my old homeboy Fozzie Bear.

Slippy:
Hey wait a minute this isn’t over yet!
I still got some tricks up my sleeve so no need to fret.
Yes Kermit you do have quite the history.
Namely of having a lot ups & downs since you guys got owned by Disney.
Oh I’m sure your 2011 revival made you feel quite undaunted.
A pity about what happened to Muppet’s Most Wanted.
Though I’d like to prove you wrong in on one thing in this scene.
That it is easy being green!
Oh sure we all know you have a way longer love life.
But Kermy how many years has Ms. Piggy given you nothing but strife?
So yeah I may not be the most famous guy whom Nintendo.
But at least I didn’t recently get a 1-season wonder TV show.

Frog:
Yes for once I agree with the Toad, say Frog what is thy hurry?
Do thou need some help from Sir Michael Caine & Tim Curry?
Thou broke up with Miss Piggy for Denise in the fall of 2015.
That lasted less than a year which is somewhat cheap & obscene.
Now don’t me wrong Kermit we all have our vices.
But thy fling with Denise is perhaps some Mid-Life Crisis?
Though I admit that as a Captain thou showed some decent swordplay.
But we all know who’s the superior swordsman…er Frog in every way.
For I, Sir Frog, am one of the mightiest knights in my home region.
While you survive off of being part of Disney’s Legion.
But perhaps I shall leave thee be Sir Kermit so go in peace.
While I give some comfort and pleasure to Lady Denise.

Kermit:
Ah so you both are ganging up on me I see…
That’s fine I can take you both on easily.
We muppets may’ve had our rough patches but we know how to thrive.
After all I’ve been delivering the laughs since 1955.
Not to mention I’ve been winning hearts since the Rainbow Connection.
But perhaps it’s that we go in a different direction.
Yes Slippy the Muppets had our ups & downs in the 2010s that is true.
A pity about what happened to your games for the Wii U.
Sure Frog when it comes to sword battles you would win.
Who knows maybe you won’t die a virgin.
What’s that boys do you think this rap battle is getting a little vicious?
Oh well I guess it’s none of my business…

(Kermit is drinking a nice glass of Nestea.)

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

RICK HUNTER!

VS.!

YUSAKU GODAI!

BEGIN!

(Rick Hunter)
Yo, here comes the original star of Macross!
Whose Valkyrie is stylin’ & profilin’, like a boss!
Whether you know me as a Lupin or an Edward Elric…
My rhymes & flow is just that slick.
You got some alternate English voices too I see.
How you went from Joe Higashi to Light Yagami.
I am a famous sci-fi anime star from east to west.
I became an Admiral while let’s just say you’re a “Lieutenant” at best.
Seriously who comes up with these match-ups? Why am I facing this wimpy loser?
This guy would never last on the ol’ SDF-1 cruiser.
So what are you supposed to be, the Anime version of Archie Andrews?
This maybe a Rap Battle but you’ll soon be singing the blues.

(Yusaku Godai)
Well if it isn’t Hikaru Ichijo.
Oh sorry I meant Rick Hunter from that Robotech show.
But still why are you using your name from Robotech?
Eh I guess it doesn’t matter I’m not the first one to try to keep your ego in check.
I normally don’t toot my horn so let’s not get too hasty.
But Maison Ikkoku has been one of Japan’s biggest Rom-Coms since 1980.
Oh sure the fangirls may think you’re a pretty-boy hunk.
But if anything you are more like an ill-tempered little punk.
You’ve been in a love triangle with Lisa & Minmay that we all know.
Not to mention on how it never ended until nearly the end of your show.
Oh I’m sure you know what I am singing about.
Namely how you strung those two up for years, constantly making them pout.

(Rick Hunter)
Really dude, really? Well isn’t this swell?
Say uh… Godai, does the name “Kozue Nanao” ring a bell?
Though of course you’d prefer Kyoko over her as it’s obvious to see.
So you can go from an A to a C.
Shame Mitaka isn’t here as it’s easy to concur.
That he and I are way manlier than you ever were.
The fact that you’re a spineless idiot of a spaz has done you no favors.
And you wonder why you’re constantly harassed by your drunkard neighbors.
Oh sure you became a teacher but I won’t go into any rants.
You only did that just so you can get into Kyoko’s pants.
Your show’s ending may’ve given you some pride.
But after this I’ll be sure to give Kyoko a good ride.

(Yusaku Godai)
So you wanna give Kyoko a good ride, is that true?
Mind saying that a little louder; I don’t think Lisa & Lynn heard you.
Oh sure Robotech made you an Admiral, that sure sounds well reputed.
Too bad your anime history got a bit convoluted.
Your show is one of the biggest legal hassles between the US & Japan.
While the only legal hassle I have is with Gilbert O’Sullivan.
I’ve tried to resolve things with Kozue sooner though I do have my regrets.
Though as for her & Kyoko it’s not… just a matter of breasts.
In Sci-fi Anime history you are like a slightly less autistic Amuro Ray.
Now let’s talk about how you mistreat that poor girl Lynn Minmay.
Yes you both “come from different worlds” but you shouldn’t be so distant to Lynn.
Or let her get abused by her incestuous douche bag cousin.

(Rick Hunter)
Yes you have tried “resolving” things with Kozue that’s just fine.
Too bad you’re making excuses for your lack of a spine.
While yes Maison Ikkoku was rather popular in Japan in the past.
But as for RT’s shows in the US, your series is nearly dead last.
Okay I have my regrets with Minmay but I was in the middle of a war!
So we’re not exactly the same here you wimpy little Ted Mosby-esque bore.
In other words my Romantic Triangle issues weren’t… entirely my fault.
Now it’s time for me to put your Moral Myopia to a screeching halt.
Your manga went on for 7 years while your anime series only went on for 2.
So you’ve strung Kozue along a lot longer in the Manga? Dude what is wrong with you?
A stupid pathetic little man like you deserves nothing but strife.
Forget Yamcha there Team Four Star, nobody screws Godai but life.

(Yusaku Godai)
Alright I admit I made a lot of mistakes & regrets about which woman to choose.
But at least I didn’t give the lady I’m with a bunch of verbal abuse!
So you think I’m a spineless wimp to love, is that the game your trying to play?
This is coming from the dope who tried to date both Lisa & Lynn on the same day.
Oh sure I was talking about your history with Minmay in my previous verse.
But the way you treated Lisa Hayes was even worse!
Okay we both know about Anime Sexual Tension that is clear to see.
You know maybe things might’ve gone better if you toned down the misogyny.
Sure you & Lisa got to live Happily Ever After to serve the Military in Space.
A pity she didn’t have the good sense to dump you to put you in your place.
So for once in your life keep your ego in check there boy.
Otherwise you might end up like your old pal Roy.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

CYBORG 003!

VS.!

ANDROID 18!

BEGIN!

Cyborg 003:
Excuse me; I got a question before we begin this scene.
Mr. Announcer, shouldn’t that be Cyborg 18?
Alright then let’s start on this little musical fray.
I am one of the original action girls in anime.
I’ve kept my same cute, classic hairdo in all of my history.
You went from Sarah Michelle Gellar to 90’s Hillary Clinton in GT.
I know how to move to a beat; after all I was a Ballet Dancer.
You have the dignity & grace of a savage prancer.
But I am one of the original Anime Heroines.
And ever since the 60s I was quite the Marilyn.
What can I say? We cyborgs sure know how to thrive.
You’ve been a Manga star for over 2 decades; I’ve been one for over 5.

Android 18:
Oh sure you may think you have a lot more class.
But it’s kind of obvious here who is clearly more badass.
I may be an Artificial Human but this beat down will be all natural.
I’m far more powerful than you, that is just simply factual.
Oh yes and dissing GT got old nearly 20 years ago.
But then again what would an old has been hag like you know.
So you think you’re an OG Anime Action Girl is that right?
Oh please you hardly ever get to fight.
So when are you getting one of those 00 guys in this musical brawl?
Like that pretty-boy hero, Mr. Longnose or that British Cue-ball?
So don’t bother giving yourself a progressive pat on the back.
You most of the time just hold that baby up to your average-sized rack.

Cyborg 003:
Well for starters at least I never threw a fight for the sake of Avarice.
I take it you never seen my Call of Justice, mine are not simply average.
Nowadays you may be known as one of Roshi’s prettier moochers.
But you were quite the monster in your debut and especially in the future.
So you can claim that you have a lot more might.
But after your debut you hardly ever got to fight.
Sure you got to beat Vegeta by breaking his arm in one blow.
Then again he never had the best track record as we all know.
Your outdated raps do raise a few queries.
You think I’m weak & docile, I take it you never saw my 2001 series.
I don’t know why your making cue-ball jokes after all you married one.
But I heard some interesting rumors about you and Vegeta’s purple-haired son.

Android 18:
Eh yes and those are just… rumors I assure you.
Though I suppose I was a bit of a bad girl in my debut.
However my brother, 16 and I were not that bad, we were just rather insistent.
And the stories of my future are kind of inconsistent.
So yes you may recently got to see some action.
But one blast from me would put you in traction.
So I got a question for you little Ms. Frenchie.
Can you take a pummeling frenzy?
Whether you’re a progressive role model or not does kind of vary.
Since even today you’re still just an over glorified secretary.
The fact that you are still 001’s babysitter is just plain sad.
That’s a cute baby you got there, tell me which one of those guys is the dad?

Cyborg 003:
Ah heh heh… oh my, isn’t that FUNi.
With your rapping skills it’s no wonder why you often need money.
So why am I getting a feminist lecture from someone from DBZ?
When it comes to women that show has had a so-so history.
Oh sure a lot of you Dragon Ball ladies have had some adventurous lives.
Too bad most of them got reduced to be secondary role housewives.
But to be fair most of the DB men are not exactly reigning supreme.
While the 00 Cyborgs are the best and most balanced anime hero team.
Akira Toriyma may’ve got famous with Anime Martial Artist Fighters.
But the late great Shotaro Ishinomori was easily the better writer.
Oh sure a lot of mangaka adore Toriyama that much we all know.
But a lot of them could learn a lot from Old Man Shotaro.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

MARIO!

VS.!

MAYOR MIKE HAGGAR!

BEGIN!

Mario:
It’s a-me Mario, time to give the #1 Plumber in NYC his due.
My bro and I once took on the Wright Brothers I can easily handle you.
Heard you become a NY Mayor or to be more precise Metro City.
I could’ve helped but I was too busy in other worlds so that’s a pity.
Though seriously what are you suppose to be?
A buffed up Tom Selleck dressed like Freddie Mercury?
So yes you were a known wrestler who became a vigilante mayor.
But I am a Plumber, Doctor, Referee, Carpenter, Athlete & of course a Princess Saver.
Oh sure you can take on the forces of evil with your fists, body slams and a pipe.
But after the 90s you lost a lot of your hype.
For I am still one of the biggest Video Game stars in history!
Your only recent claim to fame is Marvel vs. Capcom 3.

Haggar:
Let’s get one straight you jumpy meatball cause when I get a hold of you.
I’ll be making you struggler faster than you can say Sony Playstation 2.
With my pipe I have knocked down many thugs as I send them to the slammer.
And you are not the only one who knows when to drop the Hammer.
So yeah for a fat guy you surprisingly can jump higher & faster.
But that matters little after all I am a Super Slam Master!
While I Mike Haggar, am well known for taking down the Mad Gears.
Rest assured I have taken down other foes over the years.
Though there is 1 point I’d like to make in this Rap Battle Song.
You seem to deem yourself to be a famous NYC hero since Donkey Kong.
While I Mike Haggar have been a famous NY Mayor for over a score.
You’re not even an actual New Yorker anymore!

Mario:
Hey now big guy that’s not entirely true.
In a way I’m still a New Yorker just ask my Main Man Shigeru.
Even in the 80s I still spend some time in NYC there Jack.
Don’t believe me ask my ol’ Home Boy Little Mac.
You and those boys saved your daughter from being a damsel in distress.
Shame that boy Cody became such a jail-dodging mess.
It sure was noble of you to save Guy’s Old Master & his young fiancée.
Meanwhile that Ninja Boy was getting busy with some Grade A Italian T ’n A.
You may be famous for your slamming but I am not afraid of you slick.
I still got Princesses to save so I will make this quick.
Anyone can see that I have a longer history & legacy.
After all I have been a “Valiant” Movie Star since ‘93.

Haggar:
Okay are you sure you want to bring up the late Bob Hoskins’ movies here?
You know with the film that even Bob called the worst flick in his career?
That film was a Box Office flop and was critically castrated.
Seriously why was your big Hollywood movie live action? It should’ve been animated.
Though I suppose I’ll give you a break on the Super Mario Bros Super Show.
Shame I never got a match with the late great Captain Lou Albano.
So you are a New Yorker or shall I say New Donker, is that true?
Then what happened to your other story in Yoshi’s Island 2?
I know you guys keep things light & fun with a great sense of pride.
But nowadays your franchise is getting a bit too simplified.
Seriously more & more folks think that Miyamoto takes some things a bit too far.
Especially with some of your RPGs there Mr. Sticker Star

Mario:
So you dislike Retcons Mr. Mayor, in that case I have some queries.
Tell me ever had a chat with Capcom over the Street Fighter series?
More & more people have been viewing the ’93 film with more forgiving eyes.
Besides at least people liked it more than Final Fight Streetwise.
So if I were you I wouldn’t be acting so brash.
You may be Super Slamming but I can give you a Super Smash!
Though to be fair I have a better history with TV over the years.
I got my rather “Prime” debut thanks to Ruby Spears.
You think taking down a crime gang is pretty gnarly?
Then why not try taking down a Monster King Turtle’s vast army?
I often get to save the Princess as Bowser is hardly ever a threat.
Then I get to go home with a certain red dress-wearing busty Brunette.

Haggar:
You know I am not normally the kind of guy who wants to pry.
But just about a couple of verses ago you were trash-talking Guy.
So pardon me if this comes off as a bit obscene.
But who exactly are you with Princess Peach or Pauline?
Of course I could ask the find folks at Nintendo.
But I’m not sure that even they would know.
Now granted the SNES is where my series had the most history.
But Sega treated my 1st game better on the Sega CD.
Oh yeah and I can easily take on Bowser with no fuss.
After all ever tried to tangle with the likes of Galactus?
Sorry there Jump-man, Mayor Mike is going to prevail.
So stop peddling your Super-Shrooms, Pisano, before I haul you off to jail.

Mario:
Oh yes, Shroom Druggie jokes, never heard those before.
Oh gee, speaking of things that are over a score.
I still have some history with Pauline so I’m not feeling tense.
Oh yes and Pauline always liked your daughter Jessica’s fashion sense.
True the SNES version of Final Fight 1 had problems back in the day.
Good thing there is always the GBA.
Oh sure Guy & Cody have some issues like infidelity and not clearing his name.
But how come you have yet to be in a Street Fighter Game?
I mean what do they think you’ll be too much like Zangief?
Considering all the Shoto Alt. forms out there they shouldn’t give you any grief.
But I have something to say on this Mario Day.
That life is a game kid it all depends on how you play.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

BOWSER!

VS.!

GANONDORF!

BEGIN!

Bowser:
I am Bowser the one true Koopa King!
Who is foolish enough to step into the ring?
So this tall dark & gruesome guy is the contender?
This thieving nomad who is quite the pretender?
As the Koopa King I’m the biggest baddest turtle with a lot of flame.
I can take on anyone with my claws, spikes & flames.
When it comes to Nintendo Baddies I am quite the OG.
As I will one day have Peach be my bride, you’ll see.
So why don’t you get lost and go back to your desert.
Oh I’m sorry was that a little too curt?
You have no chance against me just so you know.
After all you’re taking on Mario’s original foe!

Ganondorf:
There are some… inaccuracies in your 1st verse of this song.
Such as I take it you have forgotten about Donkey Kong.
You call yourself the Koopa King while I’m the Lord of Darkness!
My power & swords can reduce you to a Dry Bone carcass!
So you think your Mario’s greatest foe well that’s just fine.
A pity you became such a joke in the Sunshine.
But before you brag about how your history is without peer.
Keep in mind I’m not exactly a new guy here.
Over the years your history with Princess Peach is slightly obscene.
Yet a few decades later you still haven’t made her your queen.
Why do you now claim to have only 1 child amongst your cohorts?
Are you still trying to get out of paying child support?

Bowser:
Oh ha hah very funny you grim dark carrot top!
At least I have kids who would call me pop.
So at least I’m no virgin you dark-armored jock.
To paraphrase a few Ninjas it’s time for a shell-shock!
What can I say; originality is what you kind of lack.
Captain Falcon called he wants his moveset back.
While when it comes to fighters & platformers I’ve always been one-of-a-kind.
Think you’re as famous as me? Heh you must be out of mind.
You know you have a lot of ladies among the Gerudo who do look fine.
But you never used any of them as concubines?
Anyways with your sword you shouldn’t be so brash.
Say how come you never use that sword in a Super Smash?

Ganondorf:
Your petty jealousy is easy to detect.
But I will teach you to show my tribe some more respect!
Good thing Link isn’t here otherwise you would’ve had quite the loss.
I’m a final battle while you’re at best a Dungeon Boss.
You want to one day be with Peach in the Wedding Halls.
Yet you constantly taste Mario’s fiery balls.
Every time you face Mario you are more brawn than brains.
So why do you have an Axe near your lava bridge’s chain?
Face it you’re a brutish oaf that is oh-so fiery & ugly.
Though I suppose you could make a great trophy for someone’s study.
In other words I highly doubt that your Nintendo’s #1 Bad Guy.
You are far more likely to succeed as Mario’s ally.

Bowser:
Okay everyone I have a little confession.
Namely I never liked Dorf’s regression.
I got a point to make here in this battle of rhyme.
I liked you better before Ocarina of Time!
I’m a big fiery turtle while he is a big blue hog.
We were such kindred spirits man he was practically my home-dog.
But now he’s been replaced by this tall dark seemingly Middle Eastern brute.
Yet you still can’t beat a nature boy with a flute.
Seriously why does Ganon spend most of the time in this human form?
I miss when he was a fellow big bad beastie and that was the norm.
So there is no way you can beat me here Ganondork!
You are no King of Darkness; bring on the King of Pork!

(Then Bowser whacks Ganondorf off the stage, then moments later the room fogs up and as the fog clears Ganon the big blue demonic hog enters the stage.)

Ganon:
Ask and you shall receive old friend.
Your tenaciousness was something I’d always commend.
I’m the original King of Darkness for I’m on point like my trident.
For Bowser and I are the original Nintendo Monster Tyrants!
Sure my human counterpart gets more screen-time but I’m not exactly exiled.
For even nowadays I still get to go hog wild!
We both are quite the giants in Nintendo Villainy.
And at times I mean that quite literally.
The two of us can tear any foe apart.
Not to mention we’re both pros in the mystical dark arts.
Say Bowser Old Pal I’m up for leaving some destruction in our wake.
How about let’s have a brawl, you know for old time’s sake?

Bowser:
Oh yeah the OG Ganon is here this is so cool!
Time to kick things up Old School!
It’s good to see you again my old partner in crime.
But seriously we got to be in a game together sometime.
Oh things really are looking up for me.
I might even get hitched on a certain Oddysey.
Okay perhaps I should be a bit more civil to your Human Counterpart.
But this reunion does warm my scaly old heart.
Okay perhaps that was a little sappy if I may be so brash.
It’s time to show these folks a true Super Smash!
So yeah Old Pal I’m always up for a tussle.
Now let’s start this show so it’s time to burn some muscle!

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

MILES EDGEWORTH!

VS.!

DAN FIELDING!

BEGIN!

Miles:
Greetings, Miles Edgeworth, I’m a Prosecuting Attorney Extraordinaire.
Allow me to give this crude little show some flair.
Watch me as I thwart this 1980s relic,
Whom is, quite frankly, rather pathetic.
My franchise has been an Internet Darling for years that much is true.
While the last time you’ve been relevant was 1992.
So sorry you’re not exactly much of a threat.
You are one of the only reasons why anyone remembers John Larroquette.
What can I say? I give my profession a nice touch of class.
While you bring nothing but sexual harassment as you are so vulgar & crass.
So let’s face it we all know who will win this musical fray.
But who knows maybe you’ll get out of that night-shift someday.

Dan:
Step up you little punk I’ve been delivering the laughs & justice since ’84.
Alright folks watch me waste this prissy prancing pretty-boy bore.
You think you’re feeling fancy in purple well I’ve went for the gold just so you know.
Namely how I got Ol’ Johnny 4 Emmys in a row.
And who are you calling a has-been you stuck-up snobbish tart.
Maybe you should tell Jenkins at the Library that if you are so smart.
So sorry skippy I have way more mainstream appeal.
My show went on for 8 years so I won’t need to go into a long spiel.
So you better give one of the best prosecutors in NYC his due.
I’ve been a better lawyer than you since my old days in the bayou.
Besides why are you getting so hung up over actor history?
Your most famous actor is that bald guy from the FUNi dub of DBZ.

Miles:
That “bald guy” is Kyle Hebert you ignorant boorish old fool do remember that.
I have a certain “Shoto” acquaintance and he could easily knock you down flat.
Though I suppose you’re a bit too old to know about my fame.
After all your show is about as old as Vulgus, Capcom’s very first game.
But I must say Dan you have a surprising lack of grey upon your brow.
Since shouldn’t you be about 70 years old by now?
So let me get this straight, Ladies and Gentlemen, this lecherous vulgar lout is a public defender?
*Tch* I’m surprised he hasn’t become a disbarred registered sex offender.
Oh yes and Mr. Fielding if you meet a certain lady namely Miss Karma here is a tip.
Do be on your best behavior unless you wish to feel the sting of her whip.
Oh sure you may be standing here trying to talk & act tough.
But I’m sure Franziska can easily reduce you to a cream-puff.

Dan:
Oh ho trust me little boy when it comes to hard kinky fun Ol’ Dan knows how to play.
Seriously you have no idea what kind of stuff I did back in my day.
So yeah you may be known as quite a heart-throb.
But hey, as the old saying goes never send a boy to do a man’s job.
I could have a play date with your little gal-pal; oh I hope you won’t be singing the blues.
Then again your little gal pal with issues seems awfully close to a certain Ms. Andrews.
Granted of course she would have issues since her papa was quite the baddy.
Ah yes he was your mentor who killed off your real daddy.
Oh sure I could say that my ways with the ladies would make yours second rate.
But that would imply that you are actually straight.
Yes I know you have that short flat-chested gal-pal but do drop the charade.
So when are you taking Nicky & Dicky to the Pride Parade?

Miles:
Ah homophobic jokes, oh my how copacetic.
Like I said before your quite the 80s relic.
Phoenix & Gumshoe are just simply old friends of mine.
Don’t believe me? Heh I suppose that is just fine.
Rest assured I’m not just trying to save face.
I can’t help it if Capcom wanted to pander to a certain part of my fanbase.
So yes I do know what kind of game you are playing.
Then again you did spend a lot of time with Bull, I’m just saying.
Not to mention that you are easily the most amoral man in your show’s cast.
Considering all the womanizing and devious schemes you’ve done in the past.
So I will show you whose second rate.
As a certain Silver Samurai said “SEE YOU IN HELL EVIL MAGISTRATE!”

Dan:
Well what do you know?
So you did admit that you watch that kids show.
But let’s get one thing straight here Reiji Mr. “My series is in California and so not Japan”.
I maybe a lecherous lout but I am quite a lawful man.
There were rumors that you’ve been taking some pages from your ol’ Psycho Mentor I see.
That some of your “Demonic” Underhanded Ways can be seen as quite the felony.
So yeah I maybe a lecherous scheming womanizer that much is true.
But if anyone is likely to get disbarred my money is on you.
Though I do have some other homeboys like Carl Sack & Mirror Master.
I maybe a Bayou man but if you’re ever hearing me in Texas then I suggest you run faster.
So buzz off Sonny, for I have bested you in every way.
Now I’ll see if I can get my hands on a certain Miss Mia Fey. *growl*

WHO…

(Then a Coffee Cup is suddenly thrown and hits Dan in the face and as Dan’s face is covered with Hot Coffee as Miles’ eyes widen in shock at this scene.)

Dan: AAAHH!! WHERE DID THAT COFFEE COME FROM?!

(Then we see a man with a red visor drink his coffee in the shadows.)

Ehh…

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

DR. HEINZ DOOFENSHMIRTZ!

VS.!

DR. CLAYTON FORRESTER!

BEGIN!

Clayton:
Hey there poopsies, Dr. F here as it’s clear to see.
When it comes to MST3K baddies I’m the OG.
Oh you’ve given me reasons to vent.
Like your shrill fake German accent.
So you want to take over the Tri-City State Area, right smart guy?
Gee I admire how you aim so high.
Your constant “inators” are proof that you’re lacking in range.
So trust me you’d never last in an Invention Exchange.
My raps & rhymes will give you plenty of pain & strife.
And you wonder why you’re looked down on by your daughter & ex-wife.
So here is a little something you might find disconcerting.
That you are in for some… DEEP HURTING!

Heinz:
Alright you old has-been, its go time!
I have a few points to make in this battle of rhyme.
First of all, my accent is not fake, not one bit.
I assure you my Drussuelstein accent is perfectly legit.
I maybe an Evil Super Genius but I aim to be quite fair.
Not to mention I easily have more style & flair.
So I assure you that I’m no phony.
So if anything you are the one-trick pony.
I mean making people watch lame old B-movies? How is that an evil plan?
You really think you can take over the world that way man?
As for your cracks about my family, yes I admit the Alimony checks that I’ve paid.
But then again, unlike you, at least I did get laid.

Clayton:
Gee Mr. Ketchup for such an “Evil Genius” you have such a small brain.
Never underestimate how my experiments can cause a lot of pain.
Seriously ever tried to withstand the movies in my show?
Like Manos, Fu Manchu and of course Monster a Go-Go?
The films I show are the worst in all things Sci-Fi, Horror & Medieval.
That alone is proof that I am far more evil.
And you call me a virgin that is so absurd why it’s even obscene.
After all, my darling daughter Kinga is the new Big Bad for MST3K’s return in 2017.
But I should calm down; I mean why make a fuss?
About a guy who’s constantly beat by a platypus?
So step off you inept Disney hack go back to your overlord Mickey.
When it comes to Evil Genius Masterminds you are practically the Dan Hibiki.

Heinz:
Oh feeling jealous there Clay-boy, c’mon even you know it’s that true.
That Disney likes me way more than Universal liked you?
Or is it because I got to hang out with folks from Star Wars, Marvel & the Muppets?
While all you did was kidnap some poor schmoe & his robo-puppets?
So sorry Clay-boy I am feeling quite aplomb.
If anyone here is truly evil it’s your fat old hag of a mom.
And yes Perry the Platypus is indeed my Arch-Frenemy.
But what can I say; he and I have such good chemistry.
Though Clay I do have a question that we’d all like to know.
About how you and Frank had kids that lead your new Netflix show.
Since when did you and Frank ever have a lover?
Well that is aside from each-other.

Clayton:
Oh ho gay jokes, how original, so you are pulling that card I see.
This is coming from a guy who’s this close to doing some bestiality.
I mean weren’t you once seen with Perry while wearing a Wedding Dress?
But of course I digress.
So of course I have had a lover.
So don’t you dare talk that way about my mother!
While what Universal did to my movie was rather obscene.
But at least I had a movie that was released on the big screen.
So who is going to save you from this battle of rhyme?
What your rather vamp daughter who’d rather have some adventuring time?
Or are you going to let your Robo-Son Norm lay down the funk?
Of course not, even you know that thing is a useless pile of junk.

Heinz:
Hey don’t you dare talk about my kids like that.
I got plenty of inators that could squash you flat.
But perhaps I shouldn’t get angry over your blatant jealousy.
That at least my daughter is starting to like me.
Speaking of which here is a question you Deep 13 squatter.
How did you know that you ever had a daughter?
But I suppose I’m getting a little schadenfruede in this musical verse.
That your family history is so… SO much worse!
You should be glad Vanessa isn’t here; any idiot can tell she is the better singer.
Not to mention I can still be quite the swinger.
So as for your trash-talking there Clay-boy, don’t be a hater.
For it is time to unleash my “Epic Rap Battle-inator!”

(Then as the curtains go up)

Heinz: Hit it Norm!

Norm: Yes Dr. Doofensmirtz!

ERB-inator:
YO YO YO, DR. D IS THE FOOSHIZZLE!
HIS RAPS & RHYMES WILL MAKE YOU SIZZLE!
DR. D IS THE BEST FROM SAN FRAN TO YOKOHAMA.
SO WORD TO YOUR MOMMA!
DR. D WILL SHOW YOU WHO’S BOSS!
HIS MAD RHYMING SKILLS WILL DEPRESS YOU MORE THAN YOUR FILM’S BOX OFFICE GROSS!
LET’S PUT MORE STYLE IN THIS RAP BATTLE SHOW!
SO LETS PUT ON SOME FUNKY TECHNO.
AH YEAH LETS GET THIS PARTY ON, THIS IS GOING TO GET CRAZY.
CAUSE ITS ALL ABOUT THE BENJAMINS BABY!
HERE IS A LITTLE MESSAGE FROM DOOFENSHMIRTZ INCORPORATED.
SeLf DeStRuCt SeQuEnCe AcTiVaTeD!

(Then the ERB-inator explodes)

Clayton:
Oh here is a little tip from a fellow evil genius mastermind.
How about not making the Self-Destruct button so easy to find?
But we all know that you have always been a loser.
Who seems to think that a Platypus is the ultimate bruiser?
You think that Agent Perry is your ultimate foe there mister?
Oh please if anything he is more like your babysitter.
So you point out how good things are with you & Vanessa in this musical brawl?
Heh it’s more proof that you were barely ever evil at all.
So yes the Internet loves our shows and that is highly stated.
Except that the Marvel fanbase tends to find your show a bit overrated.
So keep your whack dated raps on the down-low there, son.
Cause like the old saying goes “Bite me its fun!”

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

FLASH!

VS.!

QUICKSILVER!

Flash:
Here comes the Scarlet Speedster, the fastest man alive.
We Flashy fellows always know how to thrive.
I can do all sorts of speedy tricks in this battle of rhyme.
Like Mass Punches, Vortexes and of course traveling through time.
When it comes to Speedsters, we Flashes were here first as we all know.
Not to mention I’m totally rocking it with my CW TV Show.
But perhaps I shouldn’t call you a rip-off of me,
After all you were originally an early part of mutant super-villainy.
But hey at least you ditched your daddy Magneto to be in that Kooky Quartet.
Besides as a baddie you were never much of a threat.
So face it son I can easily out-race and out-rap you.
You know for a Silvery guy you sure look awfully blue.

Quicksilver:
So Flash, bragging that you’re the Fastest Man alive, is that your game plan?
Uh-oh I hope that line wasn’t overheard by Superman.
The name’s Pietro and this Silver Streaker would know a thing or two about being quick.
Besides I’ve always been a lot cooler & slick.
So yeah I admit my debut was being a lackey for my old man Magneto.
But I’m one of the most famous cases of Villain turned Hero.
Besides you’ve only scratched the surface of my original 60’s history.
Such as when it comes to the Avengers I’m fairly OG.
You are such a B-Lister at best in DC it’s almost funky.
Then again your nastiest & most famous big bad foe is a big talking monkey.
I’m one of a kind so I’ll always be the best.
Say which Flash are you, Barry Allen or Wally West?

Flash:
Sorry you Silver-maned Speedster I’m not exactly feeling wary.
Oh by the way to answer your question the name is Barry.
Yes I know you are a Hero but here is a point about your debut as a baddy.
That you’re really close to your sister but have anger issues with your daddy.
In fact if I may be so Brave and the Bold.
That you are kind of like me, but mixed with Captain Cold.
Beside whether it’s the X-Men or Avengers your role has always been secondary by far.
But in good ol’ Central City I’ve always been quite the star.
When I’m not the Flash I’m at CCPD’s Forensic Lab for plenty of nights.
Say what do you do when you’re not wearing those blue tights?
But there is one “ultimate” question for you there mister.
Why are you so close to your cute busty magical sister?

Quicksilver:
So Barry you like to leer at my sister’s rather large breasts.
Note to self, after this have a nice little chat with Iris West.
Ever since ’97 I’ve been a comic book star.
Besides when the Justice League is around, you’re at best a B-Lister by far.
You may have a hit TV show but I’ve had a lot more cinematic bliss.
After all like a certain song has said “Sweet Dreams are made of this”.
There is no way you can outrace or out rap me you Scarlet Sod.
So why don’t you go play patty-cake with the rogues or Gorilla Grodd.
Not to mention how the Speed Force goes really bad when it’s in reverse.
Had enough? Oh I got something that’s even worse.
Your CW show has given you a small revolving door of lovers.
Too bad you are still too hung up about your dead mother.

Flash:
So you want to mock my childhood trauma huh pal, is that true?
Hey Pietro does the term “Oedipus Complex” ring a bell to you?
Oh sure Fox’s X-flicks may make you feel pretty hot.
Too bad in the MCU you just had to take a shot.
Lucky for you I’m fighting solo in this musical scene.
Because I got some homeboys that will make you feel really green.
Here is another little counterpoint Mr. Blue-balled tights.
At least I can still be on TV, unlike you Mr. “Fox Rights”.
You may’ve been rolling with the X-Men since ’64.
Though thanks to that foxy feud you’re not even a Mutant anymore!
So yeah both our mothers died young which is a tragic shame.
I’ve had a great dad or two, too bad you rarely can say the same.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

ASHI!

VS.!

TAKI!

BEGIN!

Ashi:
I’m Ashi the new Anti-Heroine of Samurai Jack.
While you Taki, are just another Fighting Game Kunoichi with an oversized rack.
Oh sure you may have a longer history.
Too bad it was spent as a Demon Hunter with lots of misery.
So what can you do against me Miss Pointy Blades & Breasts?
I also became Samurai Jack’s Love Interest.
Say was there ANYTHING going on between you & Mitsurugi?
I guess not you both were too busy with your respective duty.
So step back you old has-been hag for I got this.
You are practically old hat while I’m the new hotness.
What can I say? I am one sleek sexy chick.
Or as some parts of the net say… Extra Thicc.

Taki:
So you say you are Extra Thick, is that true?
Oh please I make you look like Talim from Soul Caliber 2.
Anyways I am Taki one of the original heroines of Soul Caliber.
I can easily dispatch this upstart of a challenger.
I starred in my series right from the start so my history is obviously greater.
You never appeared in your show until its Final Season which aired several years later.
Oh yes and don’t speak to me of Mitsurugi that man was always a boorish brutish fool.
But it is true that I would rather be slaying all sorts of demons & ghouls.
So there is no way you can beat me Miss Daughter of Aku.
Then again I doubt you’d last against my young ward Natsu.
So tell me why are you the Love Interest of that Samurai Mister?
After all, this is the man who slaughtered all your sisters!

Ashi:
It is true that my sisters and I were raised as cold, cruel & lack of empathy.
We were brainwashed into believing in Aku’s supremacy.
There is no love lost between me & my mother.
But Jack saved me from their ways which is why he is my lover.
So in a way we are both rather well-developed dames.
But I got more character development in 1 season than you in 5 games.
So bring it on Miss “Run around in painted tights”.
I can easily match you for blow-for-blow in all sorts of fights.
There is also you got replaced by that certain perky little miss blonde.
In which your fan base is still not exactly fond.
Supposedly even after Natsu replaced you, your life is still filled with battle & strife.
I have heard stories about you taking Setsuka for a wife.

Taki:
That is just fanon done by perverse fools who are a bit judgmental.
Any history I have with Setsuka is merely incidental.
But I’m the experienced Demon Hunter so I’m the one who can outmatch you blow-for-blow.
Though my strikes won’t be too rushed, like the finale to your show.
It is such a shame that Jack lost all of his futuristic friends.
Not to mention that the finale didn’t tie up all the loose ends.
While my fans were not too fond of Natsu at first that is sadly true.
But at least my student got to shine in Project X Zone 2.
Though don’t get me wrong I understand why my fan base raged.
Those boorish chauvinists at Namco dropped me for being Middle Aged.
Well Ashi I heard you went back with Jack to give Aku a good shredding.
So tell me Ashi, how was your wedding?

Ashi:
Oh it may’ve been bittersweet but it still felt pretty great.
I’d accused you of jealousy then again you are not exactly straight.
You seem to have a bit of a harem amongst your peers.
And it’s with ladies such as Chie, Sophitia & Setsuka over the years.
There is also your old foe Ivy, that absurdly buxom silver-haired witch.
We often wondered if she made you her Prison Bitch.
So face it you are just simply Namco’s Mai Shiranui.
Only you are slightly more clothed and a lot less personality.
True those sexist fools at Namco did drop you in V for being a middle-aged hag.
But to be fair you would have a lot to sag.
I admit my show’s final season had some problems, so I won’t show any conceit.
But at least my franchise’s time-skip story was actually complete.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

VEGETA!

VS.!

KAZUYA MISHIMA!

BEGIN!

Vegeta:
The Sleeper has awakened! I’m Vegeta the One True Saiyan Prince.
Doubt my power & prestige? *tch* Trust me my words are something I’d never mince.
Here comes the former Anti-Hero of Tekken now known Villain.
Who now fights with his Son & Dad for Top Billing!
My Super Saiyan Power has given me a lot to bask in.
So yes I am pretty “Super”, thanks for asking.
The one time you were a no-show was in Tekken 3.
Why did they bring you back in 4 is beyond me.
We all know your wretched family history so I won’t bother.
Are you envious that I clearly have the superior father?
But seriously your history has become so pathetic and sad.
As I, Vegeta, am clearly the superior Dad.

Kazuya:
Well if it isn’t the Crown Prince of Saiyan Royalty.
I feel quite humbled by your presence here as you can see.
But are you truly Royal here Ol’ Yaoi Prince of Space?
Namely how you’re the Prince of a nearly dead race.
We may both have Super Powers but you’re not quite on my level.
As you were once a Big Monkey while I can be quite the Devil.
Only a fool would ever underestimate my Devil Gene.
As all the destructive power I have can be quite obscene.
My goal has been to outclass my father in villainy.
Though I admit I haven’t completely forsaken my Anti-Heroic History.
My Raps & Rhymes alone would make your eyes twitch.
As we all know how both Frieza & Goku have made you their little bitch.

Vegeta:
So Kazuya you think you are the ultimate Demonic Spawn?
Oh please, Kakarot’s boy once took on the Demon King; you are just a mere pawn.
I like you how you didn’t deny how your one of the worst dads in Fighting Game history.
But then again you basically have forsaken your whole family.
Your boy Jin does constantly refuse Xiaoyu’s desire to be his lover.
But it’s only because he tries to make sure she won’t end up like his mother.
Your Demonic Power has made your potential go to waste.
Especially ever since you became a “Man of Wealth & Taste”...
Of course I’ll show no sympathy to this devil or his fame.
Since I’m not puzzled by the pathetic nature of his game…
You copied my hairstyle, that’s a fact not even you can refute.
Not to mention you wear that garish purple suit.

Kazuya:
Garish, I’m not sure if I should let that insult hurt.
This is coming from a man who once had quite the pink shirt.
I have a question to ask in this Musical Round.
Why do you claim to be a Great Dad with a Moral High Ground?
Sure you got a little softer on your son but you still give him plenty of strife.
And you rarely if ever gave a shit about your wife.
Oh sure you may’ve once gave Bulma a good fucking.
Not to mention you were giving Yamcha quite the cucking…
I may’ve had some regrets regarding Jun.
But I may find out about her “unknown” status soon.
Say Vegeta your stance seems to be awfully rigid & stiff.
Perhaps you should take a trip right off a cliff.

Vegeta:
I can fly you imbecile, is that understood?
Then again that tactic never did you Mishima Morons any good.
You might’ve held some softness for Jun in the past that maybe true.
Well that is until Tekken Tag Tournament 2.
You were killed off in 2 but you got revived in Tekken 4.
Then you embraced your devilish nature so your failures went up by the score.
You still plot to out-evil your father yet he still gets to thrive.
Besides your boy Jin used the Devil Gene better since Tekken 5.
That fool Paul Phoenix let alone Kakkarot would be more of a challenge than you.
Oh yes and my latest fighting game is from the folks who gave us Guilty Gear & BlazBlue.
Given how Namco has been doing perhaps it’s for the best.
Who knows maybe they will give your tired dysfunctional family feud a rest.

Kazuya:
You know you preaching about my potential have made me wince.
You seem far too obsessed about Goku oh almighty Saiyan Prince.
Fixating on overpowering Goku was your ultimate plan.
Then you start to go soft as you became a family man.
But before you think of sending me straight back to hell…
Tell me does the word “Majin” ring a bell?
You claim to be a badass who gave all his foes a good slaughter.
As most of your few victories whether good or bad were against cannon fodder…
Anyways as a prince, fighter and a lover you’re one of the biggest failures in DBZ history.
You’re obsessed over beating Goku yet there are some rumors about you & Chi-chi.
So I really have no reason to fear your wrath.
Perhaps after this you can join my father for a nice lava bath.

Vegeta:
Oh Kazzy-Chan when it comes to Fake Outrage I’d hate to be a Party Pooper.
But I did become a… somewhat better man in Dragon Ball Super.
I can prove that I can be better than Kakkarot, I’ll prove that to you.
As those rumors about Chi-chi and I might be true.
You dare call me a failure? Are you so out of touch?
Because ever since Tekken 4, your precious Devil Gene became such a crutch!
You try to slay your father & son with your demonic power & bloodlust.
Yet when it comes to victory and prominence they leave you in the dust.
After you defeated Heihachi as a hero in Tekken 1 you became quite cruel.
As you became the Devil’s favorite tool.
Oh sure I know how Tekken 7 ended in Magma & Flame.
Have you fools learned nothing from the 1st two & 4th game?

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

AXL LOW!

VS.!

BILLY KANE!

BEGIN!

Axl:
Hey folks, the name is Axl Low.
So let’s get a start on this little Rap Battle Show.
Looks like my opponent is a nasty little bloke I see.
Heh no matter I doubt you’d be a match for my Kusari!
History and skills are things that I certainly don’t lack.
Hey I’m the original “Time-Displaced Hero” before Samurai Jack.
Oh I know you came first, heck your about as old as a blue hedgehog.
Then again I’m my own man while you’re just Geese’s #1 Lap-dog.
Sure we know a thing or two about doing all sorts of fiery tricks.
But I get some sick beats with my sickles, while you play with your sticks.
Oh I’m sure you’d argue who could match blow for blow.
After all you’re a wicked lackey but I can be quite the hero.
So Billy-Boy you think you can win this rumble?
Then I got one thing to say mate… Welcome to the Jungle!
I know how to finish this verse and prove that I’m not just all talk.
Like my series says… Heaven or Hell, Duel One, LET’S ROCK!

Billy:
Yeah that’s right I’m Geese Howard’s Right Hand Man.
I’m the #1 Protector of the Howard Clan.
You think you got sick beats? Oh please my raps & rhymes are the freshest.
I slay little punk-ass wankers like you before breakfast.
At least you’ve changed looks over the course of your history.
Because at first you looked a little too much like me.
My Mad Skills will easily let you go up in flames.
Not to mention I’ve been in way more games.
Yes your little chain sickles could give someone a slice.
But against my classic cudgel, heh, I doubt it would suffice.
Yeah you sure seem to be a Rosy Guy that much we all know.
Your series did take a little too many pages off Jojo.
But as a shout-out you are rather below rank.
Axl Rose was no Brit, he was a bloody yank!
So you still think you can best me you bloody prick?
Just for that you’ll get a taste of my Red-Hot Stick!

Axl:
Say Billy mind keeping your Freudian issues to yourself mate?
As I’ll show you whose second rate!
You so need to get laid mate, anyone can see.
I try to get back to the past to see my beloved Megumi.
Yeah I know my look is based off of Axl Rose that much is true.
But lately you seem to be taking some fashion tips from him too.
So yeah you may think your red hot with that cudgel.
But slicing that stick down would be hardly a struggle.
Well Billy-Boy your family history maybe rather sad.
But that doesn’t mean you should work for the original Neo Geo Big Bad.
My Kusarigama’s strikes are longer & faster.
Besides unlike you I don’t need to serve a master.
But I do have friends whose power levels can be quite obscene.
My homeboy Sol can burn you up faster than you can say “Killer Queen”.
Say mate mind wrapping this up here mister?
Because after this I’ll be having some fun with your cute little sister.

Billy:
Oh you just had to go there you bloody git!
Between you and that wanker Joe, I’m so tired of this shit.
But you know Axl for a guy who wants to see his “Beloved Megumi”.
Yet you are one of the biggest womanizers in your series’ history.
You claim that you are your own man but I see through your own ploy.
To all the bigwigs in Guilty Gear you’re just a messenger boy.
That and with all your time fluxing you’d be a terrible Dr. Who.
Oh come on now mate even you know it’s true.
So feel free to bring any of your chums to this fight.
Even the Pedos like that Pirate and White Knight.
What can I say; I’m a master of the flaming Bo.
Not to mention I can rock out better than that slutty tart I-no.
Yes Geese Howard is a known crimelord, so you’re hardly clever.
Yet my ol’ homeboy Geese is easily one of the best bosses ever.
You keep bringing up my criminal record in this battle of rhyme.
But weren’t you a gang leader before you got lost in time?

Axl:
That’s true mate but you see back then I cleaned up the streets.
Now let’s see if I can lay down anymore fresh beats.
Okay I admit I do like the ladies but I do love Megumi.
She is still the reason why I try to get back to the past as anyone can see.
I still have a better moral compass even if at times I think with my manhood.
Old Mad Geese may’ve been good to you but that doesn’t mean he is any good.
But still mate my tone is now going to be stern.
Speaking of your sister I have a bit of concern.
You live a life of crime but you really ought to retire.
Before poor Lilly ends up in the crossfire!
Don’t get me wrong I know you want to keep her safe & sound.
I just hope that no psycho leaves her a bloody corpse on the ground.
Oh I know this is supposed to be a musical battle of rhyme.
But seriously mate you should leave your life of crime.
Things like this are why I have a bit more respect amongst my peers.
So I rest my case here sir, cheers.

Billy:
Hold on you wanker we are not done here!
When it comes to Badass Brits I am without peer!
Now let’s get one thing straight, nothing bad is going to happen to Lilly alright?!
Besides you’re not exactly a White Knight.
You call me a villain yet you do a lot more slicing.
Seriously you never slit any throats with that bloody thing?
So you still think you can beat me, you must be lacking in brains.
Trust me your not the only one who knows how to use chains.
You make think you show a lot more flair.
But like my boss Geese, I too can be a real nightmare.
Still you are a bit lacking for such a traveling hero, just so you know.
Even though you had more Time Warps than the Rocky Horror Show!
Thanks to Xrd you’ll never get your old life in England back.
So sorry mate your no Samurai Jack.
Will you ever see Megumi again? Oh we all know the score.
To quoth the Raven “Never More”.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

DUKE!

VS.!

GUILE!

BEGIN!

Duke:
YO JOOOOOOE!
Duke from G.I Joe is here so let’s start this little show.
I got more history & legacy than you as anyone could tell.
I’ve been a bigger American Hero than you since I was 1st voiced by Michael Bell.
My Team will never give up as we are always there.
Fighting for Freedom over Land & Air!
Ah yes I remember the Joes Battle with Cobra on the Statue of Liberty.
That truly was one of the most epic scenes in 80s animation history.
Oh sure you were a team leader before as we all know.
But it was only in that US-made 90s movie & animated show.
Sure as a Street Fighter you may be tough as nails.
But thanks to you for years your franchise has ridden off mine’s coattails.
So bring it on you US Military stereotype from Japan.
I’ll show you that I’m the better Military Man.
After all there is nothing regulation about your stupid-looking hair.
Though seriously how would you fit a helmet in there?

Guile:
I have no reason to fear you so I will be Frank.
You’re a 1st Sergeant while I’m a Major so I can pull Rank.
Granted I’ll note that we are in different Military Branches of course.
You are an Army Man while I’m a Major Man in the Air Force.
While you Joes rely on Laser Guns & Tanks that look so shiny & slick.
All I need to fight the forces of evil are Sonic Booms and a good Flash Kick!
So yeah Japan is where my games are made & originated.
Don’t see why that’s a problem isn’t that where most of your shows are animated?
But before you make more jokes about my hair.
Keep in mind I can take on Cobra myself and with a lot more flair.
Too bad your movie had only 1 sequel as there were a lot of diminishing returns here.
I mean Channing Tatum called you a low point in his career.
I’m a Happily Married Man but I can see why you would find Scarlett to be a real prize.
Though in the comics wasn’t she originally with Snake Eyes?
Oh I’m sorry if this is all making you feel rather distraught.
So Conrad when are you and Shanna ever going to tie the knot?

Duke:
Oh you want to talk about movies? Think that is a good slam?
That’s rich, coming from the guy once played by Jean Claude Van Damme.
I know your Alpha series told gamers to go for broke.
But would you mind telling Jean Claude to lay off the coke.
So yeah you maybe as All-American as can be.
Even though you took some hair-styling tips from a certain Frenchie & Nazi
Besides I’m from the 80’s the era that gave us songs like “I’m a Real American”.
Remember how you often tell people to “Go home and be a Family Man”?
Then why did you ditch your family in your debut in Street Fighter 2?
As you was too busy hunting down M. Bison in Shadaloo.
The Joes constantly defeat Cobra we could handle Shadaloo in no time.
Though Guile I have another point to make here in this battle of rhyme.
Don’t get me wrong it’s a shame about what happened to Ol’ Charlie Nash.
But your quest for vengeance has made you a little brash.
As for your cracks about Scarlett, Mr. Happily Married Man, I know what game you are playing.
Yet you spend an awful lot of time with Chun-Li & Cammy, I’m just saying.

Guile:
*tch* Well Duke as a rapper and a soldier you are practically second rate.
I’ll help you be a bit more up to date.
Yeah I admit I’m not proud of leaving my family behind during Street Fighter 2.
But after that I vowed to never do that again, even though I still fight the forces of Shadaloo.
So you want to spread rumors about Chun-Li, Cammy and me, well isn’t that groovy.
Say how did Scarlett & Destro feel about your romantic sub-plot in your ‘09 movie?
Sure Hasbro maybe a bigger company than Capcom is just about every way.
But at least we don’t keep relying on movies made by Michael Bay.
Granted your’09 flick’s director Stephen Sommers is more respected, that much is true.
Pity your sequel’s director gave us Justin Bieber’s cinematic debut.
Oh sure back in the 80s you guys & the Transformers reigned supreme.
As for gunfights your show was an animated A-Team.
Your team’s history with Hasbro & Marvel is a tad bit complex.
Which is why you Joes are a bunch of Howling Commandos rejects!
So let’s wrap this up please? I’m so tired of this noise.
You and your Joes only exist to sell a bunch of toys.

Duke:
Oh yes “Toy Commercial” cracks, gee I haven’t heard those before.
For a Video Game Star you are lousy at keeping score.
Besides Guile I don’t know why marketing makes you sound so hateful.
Considering the toylines for your first movie shouldn’t you be more grateful?
Not to mention our Comic Book Crossover with IDW in 2016.
Oh sure you have a new PS4 game which your fans are still not quite so keen.
Also I don’t know why you keep implying G.I Joe Retaliation as a disgrace.
Since that movie did actually do a bit better with the fanbase.
Sure my film series didn’t go too far but they are not quite a cinematic pox.
Unlike your last Hollywood movie given to us by the not-so fine folks at FOX.
Besides if I were you talking about sequels wouldn’t be wise.
You guys have a lot more reversions than actual sequels in your game franchise.
So I’ve been a Real American Hero since ’83 but the Joes’ history is so much more.
As G.I Joe has been America’s OG Action Force since 1964.
You may be a Major there Guile but I’ll show you who’s below rank.
I can finish this Rap Battle with Copters, ATVs and this Tank!

Guile:
Don’t bother trying to bring your other armed toys in this battle of rhyme.
My Street Fighting Homies and I smash vehicles bare-handed all the time.
So you think that hunk of junk could send Shadaloo straight to their doom?
Oh please I can take that thing out with one big Sonic Boom!
When it comes to evil extravagant terrorist overlords I too am quite the vet.
Besides compared to Cobra Commander, Bison is easily the bigger threat.
Oh sure there was that Resolute Mini-Series in which the destruction caused was a vast amount.
And yet Cobra was the one who had a severely higher body count.
Trust me I know a thing or two about throwing and wearing shades.
Like how Scarlett is fond of holding Snake Eyes’ blades.
So you want to get into a fistfight with me in this base?
Oh please I can take you down with one Flash Kick to the face.
So bring it on you Reagan-Era Relic!
Yeah your original movie’s intro was pretty epic.
But the way Hasbro handled your cinematic debut wasn’t so smart.
Say Duke what really happened after you got that snake in the heart?

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

ALUCARD! (Castlevania)

VS.!

ALUCARD! (Hellsing)

BEGIN!

Alucard (Castlevania):
Greetings, I’m Alucard, the most famous Dhampir in Video Game history.
As I’ve been a mainstay in the CV series since Castlevania 3.
Of course I’m truly famous for starring in Symphony of the Night.
So who shall I be facing in this musical fight?
Oh it’s this crass-mannered gaudy red-suited Ghoul-Slayer.
Who fights Vampires and other monsters like a “Call of Duty” Gamer.
It’s obvious to see that I have a lot more class.
As at least I have never told anyone to lick the Devil’s Ass.
I also clearly have more style. Why so you ask? I’ll give you a little glimpse.
You know what they say, Guns are for Wimps, Swords are for Pimps.
Don’t get me wrong I know you save humans during your little bloodbaths.
Even though you often like to act like a deranged psychopath.
You fight for humans because your love of slaughter is like no other.
While I fight my evil father Dracula to honor my beloved late mother.
In my world you would be easily slain by the Belmont Clan.
So why don’t you get lost and go play patty-cake with that deranged Scotsman.

Alucard (Hellsing):
Yo Adrian! Still taking care of your long silvery hair?
You maybe the pretty-boy but I easily have more flair.
So sorry Genya but originality is kind of what you lack.
Hey Sephiroth called, he wants his hairdo and Oedipus complex back.
And you call me psychotic? If anything I’m more a well-functioning sociopath.
I can’t help it if there are so many monsters to feel my wrath.
Oh sure Symphony of the Night was so famous for giving your series a needed makeover.
In fact it was so successful Konami kept using the formula by several times over.
So yes we all know you have Daddy Issues you Momma’s Boy so no need to pout about that again.
Heh I’m surprised you never hung out with Jin Kazuya from Tekken.
I have proudly slaughtered any monstrous pretenders & frauds.
So why don’t you go piss yourself and pray to your impotent god?
Okay you may think I’m some violent savage but I can be able to be in Zen.
So sorry Yuri there is no way you can top this Free Man.
I’m easily the better trash-talker so I will easily win this battle of musical wit.
As my raps and rhymes are like my 2nd anime series ULTIMATE!

Alucard (Castlevania):
I admit I am a little surprised you would be quoting someone like Jan Valentine.
But then again “Birds of a Feather” could suit you two just fine.
And I’m no Oedipus; my love for my mother is perfectly decent and sane.
I would explain but I wouldn’t want to put your mind in any strain.
So you say that I lack originality, is that what you claim?
That’s rich coming from the man who practically stole my name.
You try to use your Juvenile Freudianism to give me feelings of chagrin.
Yet your guns are rather long, are you compensating for something?
So Mr. Hellsing Lap-Dog mind wrapping up this petty little musical fight?
I will be pleasuring Ms. Victoria & Hellsing later on tonight.
After all a gentlemen must never disappoint the ladies with his performance.
In which in this regard our differences can be rather enormous.
So before I go out this evening for pleasure…
Perhaps I shall secure my victory with this extra measure.
I have far more legacy, history & fame than you by far.
After all I also become a Netflix Star.

Alucard (Hellsing):
Oh big deal! Do you really think that’s a reason to boast?
Your Netflix show’s “first season” was like what, 4 episodes at most?
Not to mention your raps were worse than the voice work in PS1 Symphony of the Night.
So let’s see if we can finish this little musical fight.
I have enough bullets to finish you off after this verse.
After all this is such a terrible night to have a curse.
So how about I recommend a nice all holy silver diet?
Trendy pretty-boy bitches like you and Luke Valentine should really try it.
And who the hell do you think you are making compensation jokes here?
This is coming from the guy who waves around his sword and made that really long spear.
And yes you do have a longer history among us heroic vampire men.
Like how your animation debut was a surfer dude in Captain N.
So you like to please the ladies, shall I bring up a certain Sonia Belmont in this song.
And don’t bother to bring up that sexist prick IGA and his poorly reasoned retcon.
But don’t worry you backwards named fop I’m not such a baddy.
I’m just wondering when you are going to tell Trevor whose your daddy?

(Then D from Vampire Hunter D comes riding in on his horse then he gets off as he makes his entrance and grabs his sword as he looks at both Alucards.)

D:
Greetings, the Vampire Hunter D is here.
And as far as Japan is concerned I am one of the original Dhampir.
So sorry you’re not the first Japanese-made son of Dracula there Mr. Savior of Castlevania.
Of course that’s not the only example of your franchise’s narrative kleptomania.
Being one of the Belmont’s greatest allies is something you would often claim.
And yet Alucard you nearly made the Belmonts obsolete after your solo game.
Oh Alucard, you, your father and I are more alike than you’d admit I can tell.
After all does the phrase “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes” ring a bell?
As for you Mr. Hellsing, when it comes to battle you do act wild.
You often have the mentality of a smug brutish man-child.
So what is with that garish red suit, were you trying to be in Jojo?
Then again you are about as insufferable as that boorish pretender Dio.
You are one of the most overpowered anime stars, you lapdog of Brits.
Yet you lack Slayer’s debonair dandy style and charismatic wits.
Do you two think you can beat me? I doubt you two could beat Count Magnus Lee.
For I have been the best Vampire Hunting Vampire since 1983.

Alucard (Castlevania):
Yes D it is true that you do have a longer history.
Yet you never had an animated show and your last film came out in the turn of the Century.
I suppose it’s admirable that you show so much restraint upon your Vampiric fang.
And yet you were awfully chaste towards Miss Doris Lang.
But then again to your love interests you often seem to be more like a babysitter.
Oh dear I hope my words are not making you feel rather bitter.
So with all due respect I highly doubt you would win.
As compared to us you are quite the has-been.

Alucard (Hellsing):
Ah man D your raps & rhymes were so the worst.
Here’s a little tip, if you want to win a Rap Battle you got to have a personality first.
You guys are talking shit about my stylish suit in this battle of rhyme.
It’s called having some color; you stoic effeminate ass-wipes should try it sometime!
I’m easily the most badass vampire anti-hero amongst my peers.
And after this you Bishounen Bitches would be crying some Bloody Tears.
C’mon D you barely have enough personality to be in this battle even you know it’s true.
Hell even your Left Hand has more personality than you!

D’s Left Hand:
YO! What’s up bitches? I’m D’s Left Hand Man!
I’ve been sucking down more bitches than any of you hoes can.
So Alucard you want to honor your dead ho of a momma is that what you claim?
Well Adrian how come you hardly ever use your actual name?
You claim that you’re no Oedipus but we know what game you’re playing.
Sonia does look like a younger Lisa, I’m just saying.
What’s that Sonia is non-canon? Oh c’mon Trevor’s Daddy/Ally/Other Self, don’t throw a fit.
Hell even IGA admitted that his timeline was some pretty convoluted bullshit.
And you Asshole in Red, what the hell are you suppose to be you gun-toting simp?
You look like a cheap-ass wannabe street pimp.
So you punk bitch think you can take me on with that Holy Silver Cross pea-shooter do you?
Please I’ve been doing that Wind Tunnel shtick long before Inuyasha’s Miroku.
You think you’re a real vampire since you love carnage and drinking someone’s bloodstream.
Oh please since when did a real vampire become a NRA Wet Dream?
So you both star in bigger franchises huh? Well isn’t that clever?
Too bad I get way more pussy than you little ass-wipes put together.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

DIO BRANDO!

VS.!

NARAKU!

BEGIN!

DIO:
WRRRRRRRYYYYY!
Were you expecting Jojo to be your opponent? Too bad! IT IS ME, DIO!
Here upon this little musical battle show.
So who is my opponent here that I see.
Why it’s this effeminate fool who is a well-known one tricky pony.
You were a petty bandit saved by a Miko from a deathly fate.
But alas even then you knew you had no chance for a date.
So then you became more powerful as you went into a demonic pact.
So you can take that Miko and kill her Halfling boyfriend as a matter of fact.
Yet Kikyo died while Inuyasha lived so your plan did kind of suck.
Then again I am an expert at turning a Hero into quite the cuck.
When it comes to being a powerful mastermind I’m up to task.
As I have become all-powerful thanks to a certain mask.
So in other words I doubt that you can stand up to my might.
As I, DIO has become a true Lord of the Night!
What can I say? I do know how to impress.
So shall we go for a little Roundabout, YES?

Naraku:
So you claim to be a true “Lord of the Night” in your excessively ham-fisted prattle?
Aw what’s the matter sore that the real vampires didn’t invite you to the previous rap battle?
Oh sure I was once a petty human bandit but now I’m a powerful Demon Lord!
I’ve slain many humans with my curses and my demonic horde.
And I’m hardly impressed by your skills with the ladies you boastful chump.
Where did you get your “cucking skills” from, Donald Trump?
Besides we all know who deep down you really wanted to bed.
After all after Part One you certainly gave Jonathan Joestar some head.
Before you wore that mask you were nothing more than a sociopath goon.
I’ve been outclassing you ever since I donned that skull of a Baboon.
So do forgive me for doubting that you are all that much of a threat.
Sure you lived for a Century, too bad you spent most of that time in a casket.
Though I suppose perhaps your skill with Stands might be commended.
As I’m sure you’d want to show me The World and how it’s so shiny, shimmering & splendid.
So I wouldn’t recommend you writing me off in this musical battle of rhyme.
I sincerely doubt you could breach my barrier in time.

DIO:
I am so a real legitimate Vampire!
Just for that I ought to make you expire!
So you wish to boast about your barriers well isn’t that nice.
At least I don’t rely on a gimmicky plot device.
You always use those barriers to evade the heroes well isn’t that swell.
Your one of the biggest reasons why your franchise’s pacing has gone straight to hell.
Besides I’m a much more charismatic guy as it’s easy to see.
After all Naraku, my minions are far more loyal to me.
While okay I did have… quite a history with Jonathan that much is true.
And yet for a time you wanted the body of Inuyasha’s brother, Sesshomaru.
For the record I stole Jonathan’s body while I still have my head.
In which that has definitely helped me in my lust for bloodshed.
You may’ve had more fame in the US first, even though your show is now what they abhor.
But it’s clear to see nowadays that both the US and Japan like me way more.
If there was a problem with my raps, yo I’ll solve it.
Check out my beat while my Vanilla Homeboy revolves it.

Vanilla/Cool Ice: Ice Ice Baby, ooohhh…

Naraku:
So you brought in your buff boy-toy in tights.
Who blatantly exploits Japan’s leniency in copyrights.
As for you and Mr. Not-Rob Winkle here I won’t go into any rants.
Such as for example, why does Mr. Vampire Fabio here wear no pants?
You try to bring up your recent strong surge of US fame to make me mad.
Yet you brought in a lot of memes which means you’ll most likely be a fad.
So you better give the most notorious Demon Lord in the Feudal Era his due.
As my Saimyosho insects alone would be enough to deal with you.
Of course summoning demons is not the only thing I’ll speak of in this verse.
For like Dracula to Simon I can give you quite the curse.
I can often be subtle & cunning and have little need for bombastic speeches & shouts.
The latter of which, Dio, you clearly know nothing about…
It’s a good thing Viz is picking up the slack for your show’s English dubs in Part 3.
Since you low-selling copyright-dodging buffoons were dropped like a bad habit by the WB.
So do you think you’re the most OP Shounen Villain in the land?
That’s fine, I’m sure a certain monk could have you by the palm of his hand.

DIO:
Heh your so-called curses are so second-rate.
The worst thing you did was to make it hard for a sleazy monk to masturbate.
But let’s get serious as your first anime series was canned as a matter of fact.
A good thing you fools got to rush right through your Final Act.
Oh sure your final battle with the heroes have given the fans plenty of cheers.
As that little lady Kagome called you out on your massive Motive Decay over the years…
I maybe the Ultimate Anime Vampire in just about every way…
But for years your franchise was the “Twilight” of Anime.
It seems like Miss Rumiko peaked in the 90s with Ranma ½.
For she should really stick to Manga that is supposed to make us laugh--
So I wouldn’t recommend using US fame as any sort of factor.
Nowadays the only thing the yanks liked about you is your Vancouver Voice Actor!
To Viz you are an “Ocean Age” relic, while I am a strong part of Dracula’s Legacy & Might!
For with my stand THE WORLD I will show you a true Symphony of the Night!
With my power to freeze time I will show you who’s full of hubris.
Still trying to beat me? It’s USELESS USELESS USELESS USELESS USELESS!

Naraku:
Oh Dio over the years you were seen as the original Shounen Anime Villain Sue.
But in retrospection is that really true?
True you were the original Big Bad of Jojo’s 8-Part History.
And yet you were destroyed for good after Part 3.
Oh sure certain individuals have tried to uphold your legacy over the years.
But they were never the most respected Anime Villains amongst our peers.
Although perhaps your grasp on stands like The World isn’t so wonderful.
As I at times wonder if Jonathan’s Body wasn’t the only thing you stole.
So face it after the 80s you were pretty much spent.
You lost certain things when you came out of the Close..er Coffin like your accent.
Oh sure Viz has been using US Cali Voice Actors for a little over half a score.
And yet plenty of anime fans clamor for my show’s Vancouver Voice Talent more & more.
So I’ll be the roundabout, my words will make you out ‘n out, but before you spend your day your way.
I know how I’ll be ending this musical fray.
Ol’ Pat may’ve been in some Castlevania games, but I’m more “Drac” than you by far.
You would’ve been better off trading that Stone Mask for some Hamon Ripple like the Joestars.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

PERRY WHITE!

VS.!

J. JONAH JAMESON!

BEGIN!

Perry:
Great Caesar’s Ghost!
I’m the Elvis of the Daily Papers as I’m the host with the most.
So I’m up against J.J.J, the Master of Sensationalist Trash?
What do I expect from Mr. Flat-top with a Hitler Moustache?
I’m a tough-mannered boss but I am quite fair.
When it comes to Journalistic Integrity you don’t even have a prayer.
So you’re the Chief of the Daily Bugle, *tch* that’s nothing to brag.
Everyone knows that the Bugle is an over glorified tabloid rag.
Alright I suppose the Bugle was once respectable back when it began.
Well that is before you got obsessed over Spider-Man.
You call Spider-Man a menace yet we all know you have no case.
I’m surprised New York’s legal system hasn’t put you in your place.
So J.J you better give the Head Honcho of the Daily Planet his due.
At least when I make an attack article I make sure it’s all true.
Not only do I have a far better grasp of Journalistic Integrity.
I also have a significantly longer legacy & history.

J.J Jameson:
Step off you fat old Blue Hawaii has-been, you have no chance against my beat.
My Daily Bugle will play the Requiem of your Defeat.
Don’t worry Perry I’ll try to make this brief.
After this battle I doubt anyone would call you chief.
First of all I too have quite the Comic Book history.
I’ve been Marvel’s best Newspaper man since 1963.
And Spider-Man is a menace! I’ve been saying that for years!
Also I’ll have you know I’m still respected amongst my peers.
Oh I know your nicer to Supers but the real reason why is clear.
Sure you like Super Man, as a boy he helped out your career.
So trust me Old Man Perry, The Daily Bugle is perfectly legit.
Not to mention when it comes to Chief Editors I am a bit more fit.
We were both played by Ed “Lou Grant” Asner but I got more right to boast.
I got a hit-90s TV series while you got one decent DTV flick at most.
Heh heh trust me you fat old windbag I know plenty of things that would make you sore.
Like the time you got cucked by Ol’ Lex Luthor.

Perry:
Oh yes J.J you were always so well known for your sense of class.
There is a reason you’re well known as New York’s biggest jackass.
It’s sad that you constantly give that web-slinger nothing but strife.
Considering HOW many times he has saved your life?
Of course I question your Journalistic Integrity, do I really need to explain?
That an Editor-in-Chief’s Pride and Joy should not be a Smear Campaign?
Oh sure Spider-Man is not the only Masked Super-Hero that you hate.
And that is when your newspaper truly becomes second rate.
Seriously why are you so fixated on Smear Campaigns all throughout your history?
What are you trying to be a real “Friend of Humanity”?
Then again Marvel can’t make up their minds over why you hate Spidey so much.
Though considering your Franchise’s Status Quo I guess it doesn’t matter, since you’re so out of touch.
So tell me you so-called “Journalist” why do you call Spider-Man a threat?
Is it because unlike the other Merry Marvel Men he is such an easy target?
At least you’re good to your boy John though I hope you see him soon.
Well before he starts howling at… or on the moon.

J.J Jameson:
HEY! Leave my son out of this musical fight!
Besides my boy John became a fine hero in his own right.
So yes my boy John is my true Pride and Joy.
A real shame about what happened to your boy.
Okay perhaps that was a bit much but still here is the scoop.
I have never been a part of any malicious hate group.
You talk about my Smear Campaign against that Menace a lot in this Rap Battle Song.
But think about it old man, am I really that wrong?
Yes Spider-Man is known for beating up murderous thugs since right from the start.
Then explain how come he ignored that cop in the studio if you are so smart.
After all, the world of Superman is often as Black and White as can be.
Unlike you I don’t ignore that “super-heroes” like that Web-Head Menace is a vigilante.
So there is a reason why I rarely ever spare that Web-Slinger from the Daily Bugle’s wrath.
Because that Web-Headed Menace is a Glory-Seeking Irresponsible Punk & a Sociopath.
Oh yes and the MCU is doing great, too bad the DCU was for the most part a downturn.
But at least you got to be played by Laurence Fishburne.

Perry:
Huh, I admit I’m a little surprised you’re okay that I was played by a black guy before.
Well, considering all the vitriol regarding Johnny Storm in the 2015 Fantastic Four.
Then again your homeboy is Robbie Robertson so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.
At least that’s one issue you are willing to be civilized.
Though, nowadays folks do claim that you Marvel guys try a bit too hard on Affirmative Action.
Which, this is probably why Marvel Comic sales have been put in traction.
Sure we folks at DC have done it too like that Chinese Superman.
But then again at least we didn’t have to pull off a Legacy Plan.
Oh sure the MCU movies are hits, too bad a lot of you guys are held up by some Movie Rights Baloney.
You and that “web-headed menace” are still not quite free from SONY.
Oh sure you were in most of those Disney XD Marvel Toons but they were not exactly the best.
Besides about 95% of the time you were just an annoying pest.
After all say what you will about the DC Movies in this musical brawl.
At least we never had to worry about “Character Movie Rights” at all.
With your raps you try to be ruthless, but in reality you’re practically toothless.
Like Disney & Marvel lately you are starting to feel the sting of hubris.

JJ Jameson:
Oh please you fat old platypus you think the Dailey Planet has got game?
The most you got is that Milquetoast Kent and Lois that Danger-prone Dame.
Your photographer boy Olsen is a red-headed nerdy little wimp.
Even my boy Parker is more of a man that that ginger-topped shrimp.
So you DC guys never had to worry about “Character Rights” is that true?
Really, then how come Batman has yet to appear on the CW?
Oh sure Fox and Sony have tried to mess with the MCU’s game.
Then again Marvel Studios have put the both of them to shame.
Speaking of which there is the DCU, so full of grim and grit.
And yet Wonder Woman is you guy’s only live action hit.
Sure I admit the CW shows are hits I will confess.
Too bad their timeline has become one big convoluted mess.
Oh yes and as for you Dailey Planet guys and Clark Kent what’s your deal?
Any idiot can tell Clark Kent really resembles a certain Man of Steel.
So you think I should stop mistreating Supers, do you think that’s going to fly?
After all how many times has DC tried to make Super Man the bad guy?

Perry:
Oh we both have fine crews who have covered many a super villain caper.
At least none of my crew have questioned me about what I’d put on the paper.
Sure Olsen may not be equipped to handle all those crooks & crazies.
But to be fair that boy does have a bit of better luck with the ladies.
And Lois maybe reckless but she would find out the truth on Spider-Man in a snap.
Besides I doubt that a strong-mannered gal like her would take any of your crap.
True Batman is not on CW, but Supergirl and friends know him so don’t be distraught.
Unlike you Marvel Men we don’t write our stars completely out of the plot.
Batman is busy on FOX with Gotham, though it’s more about Jim Gordon’s lore.
Besides I’d figure you Marvel Men would know that, especially the X-Men & Fantastic Four.
While the MCU gets a lot more praise while the DCU gets a bit more awards that much is true.
At least we at DC know that not everything has to revolve around the “CU”!
Oh yes and while you call Spider-Man a menace on the Bugle to get your kicks.
Yet weren’t you the one who turned Mac Gargan, a P.I, to Scorpion whose known with the Sinister Six?
As for your crack on Clark Kent, riddle me this J.J and answer if you can.
Just how does that boy Peter get such great shots on Spider-Man?

WHO WON?!

WHO'S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

GARFIELD!

VS.!

HEATHCLIFF!

BEGIN!

Garfield:
Oh Heathcliff, Heathcliff no one should.
Let you rap in this neighborhood.
But my raps & rhymes won’t be outdone.
So don’t bother to play any cheap tricks on anyone.
Think you can take on America’s favorite Orange Tabby there Smarty?
I’m Garfield, and I’m… (I’m)… ready… (ready)… to… (to)… Party!
I’m one of the famous Newspaper Comic stars since 1978.
So yeah I do feel pretty great.
Also ever since the 80s I’ve been an Animation Success.
Especially when I had my fairly long running show on CBS…
Sure there have been a lot of jokes of me being a bit chubby.
But to quote Ol’ Gabe, I’m not fat I’ll fluffy!
Oh perhaps I should say that I’m rather undertall.
Now where was I going in this musical brawl?
Oh right it’s so obvious that I’m going to win.
Because compared to me you are quite the has-been.

Heathcliff:
Well then I guess it’s time for you to face the music ol’ Lorenzo.
Because it’s time to really start this little Rap Battle show.
Name is Heathcliff, I’m one of the most ferocious felines in all of Comic Strip history.
As I’ve been a funny paper legend since 1973.
So when it comes to nostalgia & history don’t bother pulling rank.
I was played by the original voice god Mel Blanc.
Oh sure you are now played by current Voice God Frank Welker and that’s by all means groovy.
Too bad he is kind of a divisive replacement, kind of like his work on Scooby.
Oh sure for a time you were played by Bill Murray in the movies that much is true.
This is strange, since he never liked the fact that Peter Venkman once sounded a lot like you.
So sorry pal I’m not exactly scared here.
Since Bill didn’t exactly find you to be a good part of his career.
Still with my claws I can give anyone a good scratch and maul.
Good thing this is singing because we both know who’d win a real brawl.
You know you walking basketball with legs you seem to be awfully calm.
I’d figured you’d have more issues since you got abandoned by your mom.

Garfield:
Yes Heath you do have a lot more brawn but I have more brains.
Besides Rap Battles are won by words do I need to explain?
Say what you will about my movies, when it comes to fame you won’t be stealing my crown.
I have been an Emmy-award winner since my night on the town.
In fact I shall elaborate this point upon this battle of musical rhymes.
Thanks to my old specials I won an Emmy 4 times.
Maybe we both piqued in the 80s but I still feel pretty great.
After all you haven’t been animated since 1988.
Not to mention you barely have any video games to your name.
The biggest game you got was a mediocre Nintendo Wii car game.
I know you’re a bit more old-school as you love to eat fish.
I can see why but we all know I love a good Lasagna dish.
Sure you got to be in the theaters first… well sort to speak.
Your “movie” was a long clip show episode of your show from DiC.
Oh yes and my origin story about my mother is rather sad.
At least she didn’t have a strong criminal record like your dad.

Heathcliff:
Here’s a little history lesson for you all, one of Garfield’s 1st games was on the Famicom.
That “Week” game was Japan-only, good thing because it was a barely playable bomb.
So you Fat Tabby you sure want to bring up your Video Game History?
After all the Japanese would say that game was quite the Kusoge.
Yes Garfield you still have a longer multi-media history. *tch* Somehow…
But that’s because Jim Davis still uses you like a Cash Cow.
Besides I’m still going strong on the comic section page.
On the streets I can smash anyone like a Feline Luke Cage.
Sweet Christmas! I guess it’s pretty easy to tell.
When it comes to Comic Books, make mine Marvel.
I do love fish but snatching food from humans is not something I’d detest.
But is Lasagna something that Cats could actually digest?
Say Garfield ever actually met the U.S Acres crew? Oh sure Riff-Raff and I never truly met.
But I do make sure his Catillac Homies were never much of a threat.
Oh and despite his record my Pop was a good dad you Orange Hairy Slob.
But I’d doubt you understand you’re a housecat who’s a Fat & Pampered Snob.

Garfield:
Okay so that Japan-only NES game was rather poorly conceived.
But my Sega games were fairly well-received.
For a time Sega and I had a pretty good history.
I even once hung out with their #1 homeboy Sonic on a game cover for the PC.
So trust me Heath my fame and raps will knock you down flat.
As all things concerned I’m the original Grumpy Cat!
That being said the Cattilac Cats don’t quite deserve your wrath.
I may not be the nicest cat but you can be quite the nasty little sociopath.
You may be a Tough Guy but I wouldn’t let a lady give me a beating.
Besides I can outclass you in other ways like overeating.
Don’t get me wrong I’m no wife-beater there pal.
If there is anyone you fear it’s your white fluffy gal.
As for the U.S Acres crew they live on a different farm so give me a break.
At least in the intro I normally give Orson a good hand-shake.
So you think I’m fat & pampered huh? Okay I suppose that is true.
Yeah I’m a housecat Heathcliff, so are you.

Heathcliff:
Step off you fat old sack of fur, you can’t match my beats.
Yeah I live in a home but I know a lot more about the streets.
And you better not have funny ideas about my gal Sonya in this little bout.
Guys who do funny business with her tend to get their eyes clawed out.
Besides you sure you want to bring up girlfriends in this musical scene?
When was the last time you were with your gal Arlene?
Oh don’t look at me like that you old sack of Lasagna even you know it’s true.
That nowadays even you owner Jon is doing better with the ladies than you.
As for Riff-Raff’s homeboys I don’t… always give them beatings.
Sometimes they help me out in our occasional meetings.
Not to mention I have a better history with kittens as anyone can see.
Heh after this maybe I should ship you to Abu-Dhabi.
Whether it’s the big or small screen nobody wants to see your fat furry old hide.
Sorry Buddy you should’ve retired the Day Mr. Music Died.
Frankly I don’t care how many lame movies & games you have and all your fame & wealth.
Why don’t you do what Davis and the net did and go minus yourself.

Garfield:
Oh I’m not done yet, your slams against my flicks don’t exactly hurt.
Even then I still got my supporters like the late great Roger Ebert.
Say what you about my flicks but they help prove I’m the biggest star that is orange & furry.
Besides in the 2nd flick I got a homeboy prince who is spicy like Curry.
My big movies may not have done so great but my franchise is far from deceased.
Besides unlike you at least my big movies actually got made & released.
But don’t worry you furry Huxtable, I’ll lay off your furry little lover.
Though I wonder why your girlfriend has the same name as my mother.
Okay I’m sure it’s just a coincidence… right, uh… anyways, what was I going to say?
Oh right, I’m going to bust you down like Peter & Ray.
So you think I should face the Music in this Rap Battle Song?
That’s okay in fact hold still, you’d make great Target Practice for Megatron.
If you think I’m a lame old joke you should see me on Halloween.
Though as for my Gal, I admit it can be really on-&-off but I still do care for Arlene.
One more thing I normally don’t get ideas from dumb dogs we all know that is true.
But I do hope you like that rocket that is coming right at you.

(Then a rocket suddenly comes in)

Heathcliff: YIPE!

(Then Heathcliff was being chased by a rocket as they ran offscreen until we hear an explosion and we see Heathcliff covered in soot and KOed.)

Garfield: Aww Diddums fell down and go boom?

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

ERZA SCARLET!

VS.!

TITANIA!

BEGIN!

Erza Scarlet:
I am Erza, the mightiest warrior in all of Fairy Tail.
For that reason alone I shall be the one to prevail!
So one of the ladies from Fire Emblem shall be my opponent today?
Be forewarned you face the modern Wonder Woman of Anime.
With my skills with my blades and my magic I have won many frays.
And I am more open with how I do like to swing both ways.
In battle wearing powerful & sturdy armor is my magical style.
But I have no qualms with some sexy outfits as fanservice with a smile.
We both are known examples of power, beauty and skill.
But I have given my fanbase a lot more of a thrill.
I’ve heard that you are second to none when it comes to Lady Knights in your land.
So why is it that in your ragtag merc band you are just simply second in command?
Oh don’t get me wrong Ike is a fine swordsman who’d be a great ally in a bout.
But he got his job through skill alone, that I do kind of doubt.
I heard you were called Tiamat in Japan there hun.
Wasn’t that the name of that Hydra-esque Dragon in Final Fantasy One?

Titania:
I am Titania of the Grail Mercenaries and here are the facts.
That hardly anyone can withstand a blow from my axe!
So don’t be so sure that you would be victorious in this fight.
For it is true that I was once quite the Crimean Knight!
Fairy Tail has quite the reputation for many things such as being a destructive threat.
And that it’s filled with wenches who’d flaunt their over-sized bosoms every chance they get.
Also the sexual lust you wenches have for each-other is so often on display.
Your franchise seems to try to be the Senran Kagura of Fantasy Anime.
I’m easily the more proper lady in this musical battle of rhyme.
Why so you ask? It’s called modesty, dear. Try it sometime.
Okay at times you’re properly armored, even if you have the fashion sense of a Harlot.
While I, Titania, am like a mix of Namco’s Hilde and SNK’s Charlotte.
Alright you so-called “Fairy Queen” my support for Ike and his role is well earned I assure you.
Though tell me why is your team’s name in Fairy Tail called Team Natsu?
Oh yes while I’m aware that Natsu & Lucy do have a fairly known history.
However many fans wonder if you’ve already taken away Lucy’s virginity.

Erza Scarlet:
I have had my way with Lucy? That certainly seems to be true.
After all Lucy is such a sexy little cutie, wouldn’t you?
So yeah Mira, Cana and I have taken our turns tasting Lucy’s cherry.
Oh I’m sorry is this making you feel wary?
I really don’t know why my sexuality makes you all snooty.
Underneath that armor I’m sure you’re also quite the shapely beauty.
It may not seem to matter much since your game is filled with Ho-Yay.
Sure so does Fairy Tail but at least the ladies also get plenty of that kind of play.
It’s a shame you never got that “proper support” from Lucia in this fight.
But don’t worry I’m sure Heather would be glad to bed you tonight.
Oh sure in your little group you are well known as quite the heavy-hitter.
But as far as your franchise is concerned you’re an over glorified babysitter.
So you think you’re like Charlotte De Colde? I suppose that is true.
But at least she realized she never had a chance with Haohmaru.

(Then she changes into her “Fairy Queen” armor)

Oh yes and here is my “so-called” Fairy Queen Armor, as you can see it’s well-styled.
It’s also known for driving many men… and Lucy incredibly horny & wild.

Titania:
Oh why am I not surprised that your Fairy Queen armor looks so obscene.
Seriously you are so supposed to be Fairy Tail’s “Fairy Queen”?
You’re no Queen you look more like the Fairy Concubine!
Unlike you I don’t need to flaunt my body to let my beauty shine.
At times I question your behavior around the Fairy Tail men and dames.
Like how you subject them to your perverse “Penalty Games”.
You try to be a proper red-head Lady Knight but you’re no Hildegard from Soul Calibur 4.
Though perhaps ladies like Sophitia & Ivy would more suit your franchise’s style & lore.
As for the Greil Mercenaries I am not just some mere den mother.
We often have a strong sense of respect and support for one another.
Also I have no desire to bed any man… or woman, just so you know.
I’m more concerned with Justice and Fellowship than any sort of libido.
You do bring up your alleged promiscuity with the ladies in this musical brawl.
Is it to compensate your absurdly on-and-off romance with Jellal?
You Fairy Tail fools are far too soft on your foes even you know it’s true.
Many fans doubt that Jellal would ever settle down with a clingy “plot-armored” tramp like you.

Erza Scarlet:
Heh heh sorry Dragon Lady but your raps & rhymes won’t make me furious.
But I suppose now is the time to truly get serious.
You are not the only red-headed warrior woman who gets a lot of respect.
Though tell me why are you so fixated on my body, is that jealousy I detect?
You may boast on how you rarely if ever remove your breast plate.
But in battle I can easily make you second rate.
So you would never want to be in bed with a fair maid?
Is it because you don’t want to end up like Ursula & Sonia from Blazing Blade?
All things considered you’d probably be better off with a lady lover though.
Then again it would probably be covered up by the US Branch of Nintendo.
Does Fairy Tail sexualize the ladies a lot? Yes that is certainly true.
However the Fire Emblem games do have a lot of fanservice too.
Oh sure you and Ike and his little sister Mist do certainly care for one another.
But that is because deep down you wish you were their mother.
So tell Titania is slut-shaming me truly your only master plan?
That’s funny coming from a lady who once lusted for a Happily Married Man.

(Then Titania furiously lunges at Erza with her long axe as Erza blocks it her sword as Titania scowls at her angrily.)

Titania:
Hold your tongue you vile arrogant whore!
Speak of Greil like that again and I’ll slash you some more!
Get this straight you overpowered whore my feelings for Greil were not lust!
My… devotion to him and his ideals were perfectly just.
Yes my series has its share of oversexed harlots but your series deserves more scorn.
The lack of nipples is the only reason some of your OVAs are not seen as porn.
You Fairy Fools have an appalling lack of discipline as I can prove that with ease.
It’s only through sheer luck that your team’s destructive rampages have no innocent casualties.
Fairy Tail’s leniency towards their foes can be well known and observed.
Such as how Laxus & his crew got far less punishment then they deserved.
You also enable that foolish boy Natsu too much with his love of fighting & competing.
I’m more than a little concerned that he casually has no qualms with giving Lucy a beating.
So while there may still be some censorship issues regarding Nintendo.
How many times Hiro Mashima had to remind your horny fans that Fairy Tail is supposed to be a Kid’s show?
Oh sure the Fire Emblems has had plenty of happy idealism and fan service throughout its history.
But your franchise is known for taking both ideas to the point of absurdity.

Erza Scarlet:
Oh Titania your oh-so self righteous franchise myopia can almost make one hurl.
At least in Fairy Tail nobody could impregnate a mystical little girl.
And let’s get one thing straight Natsu has never truly abused Lucy in all of their history.
As when it comes to the ladies Natsu is more into equality, not misogyny.
And yes my series is a bright & happy kid’s show that is known to amuse & thrill.
Think of it as a more cheerful & better written version of Akame Ga Kill.
I admit I too have a sad past with a guy that has given me dismay.
*sigh* I do hope that I can settle things with Jellal someday.
But perhaps I shouldn’t let that give me too much strife.
Though, I wonder if I should get Mirajane and/or Lucy to play a nice game of “Housewife”.
Still why are you so fixated on my body? Do you wonder whose bust size is greater?
Or perhaps you secretly want to get in bed with me later?
Some of your fans claim you have some history with Lucia and it might be true.
Pity she seems to like Ellincia & Illyana more than you.
So sorry Ms. Titania, I’m sure you know what I’m trying to imply.
But if you do bed Heather later, tell her the ladies of Fairy Tail said Hi.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

VS.!

JEDAH DOHMA!

VS.!

LORD DEATH!

BEGIN!

Lord Death:
Greetings boys & girls, I’m the Headmaster of the DWMA.
Namely Lord Death, the most heroic reaper in all of anime.
So my opponent is this Dark-Stalking Blue-Faced Purple-Clothed Fop?
That’s alright I can take you down with a good old fashioned REAPER CHOP!
We both claim to have fine intentions throughout our history.
Though let’s just say I have a lot more credibility.
Your fan favorite status in Capcom is perhaps something to commend.
A pity your debut was when your franchise came to an end.
Oh the CPS 3 was so short-lived it is such a shame.
Sadly this was why Capcom has long ago cancelled your 4th game.
But enough about that my son, students and staff do give me a lot of pride.
You have a lot of Q-bees, though I wonder if you took one for a bride.
Not to mention you have Lillith Aensland, Morrigan’s darling naughty little sister.
So Jedah do you use Q-Bee for a bride or a Baby-Sitter?
So do you wish to underestimate me? Oh dear I’m afraid you are heading for a disaster.
After all there is a reason why they call me the Headmaster.

Jedah:
Yes it is I, Jedah, of the Dohma Clan.
Cleansing all the Makai souls to Majigen has always been my master plan.
Go ahead and call yourself a Headmaster, I’m a Makai High Noble you skull-faced clown.
When it comes to power & prestige as a Reaper I doubt you’d take my crown.
But still what is a buffoonish creature like you able to teach?
Your school like your show is an odd lovechild of Harry Potter and Bleach.
Shall I strike you down with a Cervo or a Russo? I guess it does not matter.
Either way there will be a lot of blood splatter.
So you wish to speak ill of Capcom? Not the most original plan.
Besides at least my games have been seen outside of Japan.
Though Lord Death, I found one little issue about the English dub of your show.
Namely how you sound like a bit of a Wakko.
It’s a little hard to take you seriously as a matter of fact.
Since when did a Grim Reaper sound like an old Animaniac?
You’re the biggest joke of a reaper since Dracula’s BFF from Castlevania.
But then again I’d doubt you’d last against any Vampire Hunter in Germany or Romania.

Lord Death:
Oh I don’t see why any Belmont would want to whip my spectral old hide.
After all unlike you I’m very much on their side.
Besides say what you will about current day Konami.
But at least the Castlevania franchise is a lot more than a trilogy.
I do like being cheerful to kids so I’m certainly not feeling sour.
I suppose I do sound a little like Jess Harnell, and I would like some wonderful Clam Clowder. ;)
So yes I like to bring cheer to the kiddies, often with success. :)
But I can also show a lot of Silence of the Lambs level creepiness.
Oh sure there are many stories in Soul Eater that would leave viewers in stitches.
While the DWMA face a lot of scary monsters and depraved witches.
You know Mr. Dohma you’re the 2nd Big Bad of Darkstalkers after the Lord of Flame Pyron.
Though it’s curious how you both sound like a rather Beastly Megatron.
You didn’t seem to mention those Soul Bees yet but I won’t throw a fit.
Though it’s a shame you didn’t bring them in Marvel vs. Capcom Infinite.
Now don’t get me wrong folks I’m normally not one to brag. But I do know how to plan.
But like Asura this Rap Battle is in the bag. After all I too can be quite the Trouble Man.

Jedah:
*groan* Please do not try to desecrate an iconic cult classic song.
Anyways that neurotic son of yours and his kiddie friends are merely your Death Scythe pawns.
Oh I know you raised your boy to be quite the soul absorbing trooper.
A pity he is practically the Anime Version of Sheldon Cooper.
Seriously do us all a favor and give that symmetry-obsessed son of yours some Prozac.
Anyways I shall get this Rap Battle back on track.
Yes MVC is rather divisive but I’m often seen as a saving grace.
Though rest assured I’m not just trying to save face.
In fact my history in crossovers is fairly well known.
After all I was in Cross Edge & Project X Zone.
Do you think those foolish brats can slay any creature of the night?
Only in Shounen Anime & Manga is it sensible to rely on children during a fight.
To give you a hint I hope you weren’t hoping to be saved by a little girl’s punch.
Why would I think of such a thing? Call it a lucky hunch.
As we all know that my franchise does have a longer history.
But I guess it matters little, though I wonder if the DWMA has already been absorbed by me.

(Then Death the Kid comes in the scene blasting Jedah with his guns, but then as he lands he makes a stylish pose.)

Death the Kid:
Rest assured Darkstalker your not absorbing the DWMA or any other place, Mr. Bee Fetish.
The only thing you’ll be getting is some bullets to the face, so I’ll make sure you perish.
I’m a man of wealth & taste but I’m no Rolling Stone or Devil.
But you’re not at my father’s or even my level.
You’re no Vampire Savior and while you maybe a High Noble but that doesn’t mean you’re a Higher Breed.
Like many Video Game Villains before you, you fixate on a plot that has yet to succeed.
I won’t let you attack my father as that is plain to see.
But don’t you dare mock my love of symmetry!
After all having the world in perfect symmetrical order is a true sign of beauty.
But when it comes to slaying dangerous monsters I won’t forsake my duty.
I admit that my father’s secrecy has once given me doubts that much is true.
But it’s plain to see that he is far more heroic and noble than you.
So while I’m a skilled gunslinger and a refined dresser.
Keep in mind I am also my father’s successor.
While my associates and I can handle all sorts of monsters, witches and crazies.
In fact why not I show you them now, come on out ladies!

(Then Kid tossed his guns to another part of the stage namely Liz & Patty Thompson who now appear in their human forms making a stylish pose.)

(Liz)
Yo, we are the Thompson Twins the hottest gun-slinging, gun-changing duo.
(Patty)
Here to bring the cute and sexy back to this little Rap Battle show.
(Liz)
So this Capcom has-been thinks he can beat us? That is good for a laugh.
(Patty, with a paper sculpture)
Hey look sis, I made a giraffe!
(Liz)
That is nice Patty, but c’mon, stay focused here, okay?
(Patty)
That’s okay Liz, I mean it’s not like we have any reason to fear. A shame we couldn’t bring Mr. Dante.
(Liz)
True sis, anyways Mr. Dark Dimension. What’re you supposed to be the Bishounen version of Dormammu?
(Patty)
We liked you better when you were Treize or Sesshomaru.
(Liz)
Personally I’m more partial to the likes of Roy Mustang and Thor Odinson.
(Patty)
*Giggle* Oh wow these VA reference jokes can be so much fun.
(Liz)
True but we may not be Cana and Lucy from Fairy Tail.
(Patty)
But Team Soul Eater here is so going to prevail!
(Liz)
Well said Sis, still Mr. Dohma we are normally not that kind of tease.
(Patty)
But how come you haven’t really said anything about those Q-Bees.
(Liz)
Oh sure Kid is a neurotic twit, but he is our neurotic twit, got that Mr. Purple Bloodshed?
(Patty)
Sorry Mr. Dohma and Ono-San but I guess the Darkstalkers are dead.

Jedah:
Ah the Thompson Twins, so perky, lively and large-breasted.
Who were most likely often molested. (We see Liz glaring at Jedah.)
And Lord Death’s dear son, who does his gun slinging with a lot of flair.
A pity he doesn’t have any symmetrical hair. (We see Kid horrified by this revelation.)
So Lord Death you don’t have any more Childish Prattle?
Then again you are an Anime/Manga Mentor; of course you let children fight your battles.
I suppose now is the time to mention the Soul Bees.
As its time for them to be out on stage, take it away ladies.

(Now we see Q-Bee and a few of the Soul Bee ladies as her backup dancers & singers on the stage.)

Q-Bee:
Greetings world we are the Soul Bees, we are second to none.
(We are the original Sexy Insectoid Cuties; we’ll show you how soul-eating is done.)
Say Mr. Death, are you sure your scythe Spirit Albarn truly fits your style?
(That Neurotic Spastic Pervert who’s possibly a pedophile?)
Then there is his boy and his two jailbait skanks.
(Who compared to us, don’t even rank.)
Oh sure Death the Kid may seem like an adorable little treat.
(Too bad his personality is anything but sweet.)
You say the Darkstalkers are dead, I’m sure Mr. Maximoff would have you two for a bite.
(But don’t worry; we’re sure Ms. Aensland would please you 3 tonight.)
Oh we do wonder about your love life there Lizzy.
(Yeah Liz, are you dating Kid or Tsubaki?)
You Thompson Sisters try to be bad girls but it’s easy to tell…
(That you two would never last in a Prison cell.)
But then again none of you could ever stop Lord Jedah’s plan.
(After all like the song says he is the Trouble Man.)

Jedah:
Well done ladies, you have all done well.
Say have I told you all about the time I met Lady Death from Marvel?
Yes the same lady whom Deadpool & Thanos do yearn.
I spent some time with her and there were some interesting things to learn.
While she maybe a reaper, like me, although she has an interesting romantic history.
Though I now wonder if I’m close to solving a certain mystery.
Tell me Lord Death, I ask this question from one reaper to another.
Who exactly is your dear son’s mother?

(Then Kid and the Thompson sisters look surprised while Lord Death looks a little uncertain…)

Lord Death: Well I uh… I uh…

(Then the stage starts to darken as smoke starts to fill the room and a pale-faced woman in dark robes appears on the stage.)

Lady Death:
Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m Lady Death and I’m normally not one for prying.
But tell me Darkstalker what are you implying?
Yes we did get acquainted for a time in Marvel vs. Capcom Infinite.
But is spreading strange rumors your idea of wit?
As for your Soul Bees, yes Q-Bee you and your kind have history with Jedah that is true.
Though sorry honey he is just not that in to you.
So Dohma, sure Lord Death should be more assertive in raps & battles, but he is far from 2nd rate.
After all unlike you he is not reduced to crossover bait.
Oh yes and as for you M’Lord, your one of the nicest & most powerful reapers in history.
A pity the latter got squandered due to a childish shounen power fantasy.
While you’re dear boy seems to be a fine, refined mix of style and wealth.
However I am a bit concerned over his mental health.
Now as for you two girls you should be more patient regarding this dear boy.
After all he is… your headmaster’s pride and joy.
Now I shall be concluding this not-so little rap battle Ladies and Gentlemen.
If anyone needs me I’ll be trying to stop Deadpool & Thanos squabbling over me… again.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

LEON SCOTT KENNEDY!

VS.!

CHUCK GREENE!

BEGIN!

Leon Kennedy:
The name is Leon Scott Kennedy, U.S Agent and Raccoon City Survivor.
Looking a little moody pal, your clothes smell like puke and a screwdriver.
I’ve sent plenty of zombies and mutated monsters back to their graves.
As Resident Evil 2 and 4 were highly regarded fan faves.
I’m great with Guns and Gals so I have some right to smirk.
Not to mention I have like the best knife in my line of work.
When it comes to game legacy you’re not exactly my equal.
Aside from your debut game series all you have is a small role in the sequel.
Though come to think of it, it does raise a few queries.
Like why is Frank West the only Dead Rising star who’s playable outside your series?
Needless to say I have a lot more history just so you know.
In my debut I went from a 90s Quicksilver to a .hack Bear now I’m a Modern Day Jojo.

Chuck Greene:
Chuck Greene here and I am an expert in Zombie Slaying, Weapon Mixing and of course Motocross.
It’s time to show this pretty-boy punk whose boss.
First of Jotaro is not all that modern Mr. Bangle so I’d hate to ruin your little Roundabout.
But when it comes to game legacy you don’t have that much clout.
Yes I haven’t appeared in any crossover games yet that is indeed true.
But so far all you have is some SNK Card Games and Project X Zone 2.
All you use are guns, bombs and knives so when it comes to weapons I show a lot more creativity.
When it comes to Zombie-slaying weapons I can show a lot of versatility.
Your reputation as a Hero and a Ladies Man is a bit suspect.
But I’m well known as a dedicated dad with a darling little daughter to protect.
Oh sure I may not be in a lot of games but I still feel pretty blessed.
Like the Soul Calibur series, gamers still deem the 2nd Dead Rising game to be the best.

Leon Kennedy:
Why are you treating me like a kid, if anything I’m the vet!
Still trying to mess with me, that’ll be something you’ll regret.
You rely on that Combo Weapon gimmick in order to easily succeed.
While some guns and a knife is all that I need.
A lot of people say you’re one of the most heroic men in your franchise’s history.
But didn’t you become a petty crime lord in Dead Rising 3?
Sure Dead Rising 2 ended with you, Katie & Stacey as you restored your good name.
Pity they both left you before the 3rd game.
Ever since Raccoon City I’ve served my country as I’ve done many Heroic Deeds before.
I even saved my franchise with Resident Evil 4.
We all know how Raiden’s debut in Metal Gear Solid 2 caused a whole lot of complaining.
Yet Frank did reappear awfully quickly after your debut, I’m just saying.

Chuck Greene:
Nice try you effeminate shit-head.
But compared to Raiden I got way more Internet Street Cred.
So you think my game is too easy you government hound?
Really, how many times have you easily found some ammo on the ground?
You’re not the first punk named Leon that got burned after facing me, in case you can’t tell.
Don’t believe me? Why don’t you ask Mr. Bell?
The Zombie-Slaying Action I get in can be quite bloody and raw.
Oh yes, especially when I do things like mix a Paddle with a Chainsaw.
As for Dead Rising 3 things got a bit complicated.
“Off the Record” there has been times that I was quite… devastated.
So you still pine for Ada Wong despite her various shady misdeeds, is that true?
Seriously dude, it’s been nearly 2 decades now, she is just not that in to you.

Leon Kennedy:
*sigh* Yes things got really off-and-on for us in the past so I do know what you mean.
You’re not the only one who could use the “complicated” excuse there Mr. Greene.
So yeah when it comes to getting help from Ada I’m always willing to give her a chance.
Besides in these Zombie-infested worlds we live in hardly anyone has time for romance.
Ada does have a shady past but she can be quite helpful, it’s true.
Besides you are not always a real paragon of virtue.
Oh sure I understand that your sweet little daughter needs her zombrex.
But the lengths you would go for it can be a bit morally complex.
Also don’t get me wrong the Psychopaths in Fortune City can be quite the problem.
But some of them have us wondering couldn’t you just knock some sense into them?
Sure things are hardly cheerful in Res. Ev., but we RE Heroes often have plenty of successes.
While you Dead Rising guys seem to become bitter lonely depressed messes.

Chuck Greene:
Alright folks let’s see if I can understand Resident Evil 4.
Let’s face it, that game’s premise has Fridge-Logic galore.
They sent one guy alone who doesn’t speak the language in the middle of nowhere in Spexico.
Why did they make you do this job, what is it because you are such a magnet for ammo?
Let’s just say I have plenty of questions for your high command.
Seriously your mission was not well planned.
You brag about your prowess as a US Agent but I can easily see through your ruse.
After RE 2 the US Government made you an offer you couldn’t refuse.
That Freudian knife-nut old boy-toy of your Jack would love to give you a good penetrating.
What is it with that guy anyways? He is clearly doing a lot of compensating.
So get ahead and brag that Resident Evil 4 got your franchise to thrive.
But your leniency with Ada is what got us Resident Evil 5.

(Then a woman in a Chinese Red Dress comes in on a line from a grappling hook gun to kick Chuck in the face.)

Ada Wong:
Greetings people, the name is Ada Wong.
It’s time to show up and appear in this little Rap Battle Song.
Gotta say Mr. Greene, I suppose I should give you your due.
Though I’m a little surprised it was so easy to get the drop on you.
So yes Leon does trust me well but is it that much of a surprise?
I have always been one of his most recurring allies.
So yeah Leon may seem a bit young & naïve there Mr. Greene
But in a way I’m the Catwoman to his Batman if you know what I mean.
Oh sure you probably wouldn’t take close-up snap-shots of my breasts.
But aside from that I’m not sure if you are that much better than Frank West.
So stop thinking you’re so macho compared to Leon you piss-yellow jacketed big lug.
C’mon Leon lets blow this pop stand with a Rocket Launcher like Metal Slug.

(Then someone shot Ada’s Grappling Hook off her hand and that person is)

Rebecca Chang:
Well, well if it isn’t the Bitch in the Red Dress.
Don’t be so sure that this Battle will end in your success.
Hello Rebecca Chang from Channel 6 Action News.
I’m here to make sure this Bitch in the Red Dress will end up singing the blues.
You know Ada for a “Femme Fatale” your body is kind of modest.
But trust me I’m far more than just fine legs and huge breasts.
I maybe no Interpol Star but my legs are in great shape.
Let’s just say Chun-Li is not the only sexy Capcom Chinese Babe.
Oh and Leon, hardly anyone finds your jokes all that witty.
Although Leon, you were sounding kind of fish-faced in Operation Raccoon City.
And yes Leon, Ada did help you against certain monsters & zombies.
But why was she with Wesker while you were out saving Little Miss Blondie?

Ada Wong:
Oh I can see why Frank West would like you Ms. Male Gaze Camera Focus.
I’m sure you competed with Jessie to give him his highest Erotica Bonus.
In other words I’m sure a scheming skank like you gets molested daily.
Like the time you got felt up by Miss Bailey.
But still I can’t help but wonder how you got here anyway.
What did you become a Chinese Mia Fey?
You were the one who got Chuck in trouble on the news, so I dunno why he is treating you like a chum.
So why did you use your source, what did the Bailey Twins “reward” you with a threesome?
Oh and Leon has a point that not all the Psychopaths were truly bad that much is true.
In fact some of them attacked Chuck because they put a bit too much trust in you.
We RE Babes are far more likely to survive, though I can easily make you see red.
Yes Becky Chang, I’m the Bitch in the Red Dress but at least I never got a bullet in the head.

Rebecca Chang:
Scheming Skank? Oh what’s that Kettle is the pot black?
There is no need for petty jealousy just because I have a bigger rack.
I can survive just fine you scheming hypocritical whore.
Oh and no offense Chuck but I kind of prefer Frank’s take on DR 2 a bit more.
You may’ve helped Leon but your no heroine, oh sorry is the truth making you distraught.
Since you Ada seems to be trying to be the Femme Lite Asian Revolver Ocelot.
You may be a bit soft on Leon that much is true.
But the other RE Heroes is a lot less fond of you.
You call yourself Leon’s ally but who are you trying to fool.
At the end of RE 4 he was basically your favorite tool.
Sadly my survival is non-canon but I digress.
Yet you are far more likely to be called a Villainess.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

MAXIMUS THE MAD!

VS.!

LOKI!

BEGIN!

Maximus:
Greetings Mortals, I’m the true ruler of the Inhumans for I am Maximus the Mad!
It’s time to get into Action like a Jackson; because when it comes to Marvel Baddies I’ll show you all whose bad.
I’m not yet the King of Inhumans but I’m the wisest Inhuman so it is not wise to gawk.
Besides shouldn’t the ruler of any Kingdom be at least able to talk?
You often try to sound so smooth & witty.
But you weren’t always so effeminate and pretty.
In fact you were sounding like Mr. Slate back in the early 80s.
While I on the other hand, was a bit of a Joker during the mid 90s.
Though, I do have a question on this little Rap Battle Show.
Is it just me or does Loki looks a little like Tommy Wiseau?
“I DID NAHT HIT HER, ITS NAHT TRUE! IT'S BOWLSCHIT, I DID NAHT HIT HER! I DID NAAAAHHT… oh hai Thor!”
Oh so sorry Loki is this making you feel a little sore?

Loki:
Oh it’s a sad shame that the Inhumans and Iron Fist are the first MCU critical defects.
Perhaps they should stop using Game of Thrones rejects.
So you are the wisest Inhuman is that a fact?
That’s funny you don’t look at all like Karnak.
Course one doesn’t need to be Karnak to see your flaw.
That too often you are poorly prepared to give your family any chutzpah.
Sure we all know you want to overthrow your brother in a gloriously devious way.
But is this because Medusa never gave you the time of day?
I star in yet another hit MCU movie as we all know.
You Maximus, on other hand, star in a flopping TV show.
So come forth you 3rd-rate Dr. Doom as you want the hero’s wife for a Spouse.
With my powers and my fangirls I know how to Ragnarok the House!

Maximus:
Ah yes the MCU movies, I was going to be in them, anyways I have a question for you Mister.
So in Thor Ragnarok, Hela turns out to be Thor’s long-lost non-angelic elder sister.
But wait wasn’t Hela originally your estranged daughter?
Oh I hope the odd questions here don’t put you in Hot Water.
But what can I say I’m so disappointed in you Loki.
Your raps and rhymes were rather “Low-Key”.
Still Ol’ God of Mischief would you like to know what my advice is.
You rely on magical illusions while I have my mind powers & robotic devices.
Not to mention I’m more consistently sympathetic than you, in the MCU, as my grand master plan.
It is to save my enslaved people from that horrid Caste System in Attilan.
So you better give the rightful ruler of Attilan his due.
As with my stylish Goatee, even I’m manlier than you.

Loki:
Oh isn’t that cute on how try to showcase your insecure ego.
But compared to those like Gorgon & your brother you are hardly macho.
*tch* And People think I can be a real “Draco in Leather Pants”.
As for your alleged “sympathetic” ways, I suppose I could give you several rants.
Yes Maximus you are correct that the Caste System was something your family was complicit.
But the fact you jumped off the slippery slope quickly was a bit explicit.
I know the real reason why many people call your show vile low budget drek.
After all, your show is that reviled Ike Perlmutter’s Pet Project.
Ike Perlmutter is well known for his hatred for FOX and the Mutant Race.
But everyone else agrees that the Inhumans can never take the X-Men’s place.
Though you Inhumans are known with the Fantastic Four, so it’s odd how you’re among the MCU ranks.
Sure your show was a reviled flop but it could be worse at least you didn’t get a movie by Josh Trank.

Maximus:
Oh Loki I can easily discredit you so hard.
After all how many times have you & your Frost Buddies tried to take down Asgard?
We are like 2 sides of the same coin or at least we have a very similar history.
Except at least I actually am related to my Royal Family.
Ah yes you want to conquer Asgard because your adopted? Well isn’t that just fine.
You want to take down your family just because you’re not in their bloodline?
Oh yes & I don’t think X-Men fans should hate the Inhumans because of Ike’s sins.
Thanks to a “Gifted” show Marvel is already showing signs of caving in.
Besides Marvel’s Mutant-Embargo is as half-hearted as can be as we all know the score.
The only Marvel Heroes in any true danger were the Fantastic Four.
Anyways we all know that the fact that you’re no actual Asgardian is why you’re so defiant.
But tell me Loki, aren’t you too much of a “Puny God” to be a Frost Giant?

Loki:
I can take on many forms Maximus the Sad so your last point is not that crazy.
I’ve been a horse, a boy and a lovely lady.
So you are an actual part of the Inhuman Royal Family, well isn’t that wonderful?
Yet for the Duke of Attilan you are low on the Royal Family Totem Pole.
So you think I’m the petty one? Oh I can laugh at you for hours.
In your show you did your little coup because you have no powers.
Oh sure your coup was bloodless at first but we soon saw your true intent.
It wasn’t long until you tried to slaughter just about anyone who shows you any dissent.
So to make a long story short you jumped off the Slippery Slope even you know it’s true.
Besides if you wanted to see true sympathetic villainy you should see my MCU debut.
Not to mention I have a longer history than you even in Marvel History.
But I’m much more than a Marvel Star I’m an Icon of Norse Mythology!

Maximus:
Oh Loki I was going to be a Movie MCU Villain like you at least that was the original plan.
Until the MCU plans got gunked up by a certain Neighborhood Spider-Man.
And yes I remember your softer role in the 1st Thor movie there slick.
Which is a bit jarring since you became a flat-out villain in the 1st Avengers flick.
You keep bringing up the MCU to make you feel refined.
Yet in the comics I had many machines and a powerful mind.
You call yourself a master manipulator, yet you are quite the angry fool.
Don’t you get it Loki? If you were loyal then Asgard would’ve wanted you to rule.
Thor is far too fixated on Midgard, especially if he tries to be Jane Foster’s lover.
So step off you slightly oedipal fop before you end up like your adoptive mother.
Oh sure you have a longer history but it matters little as I can easily explain.
I’m one of a kind while you & your rainbow bridge buddies are public domain.

Loki:
Really Maxi, you blame Spider-Man for being the reason why you’re not a movie star?
Oh my I don’t think even J. Jonah Jameson would go that far.
Also you’re just as complicit as your royal family in the caste system you power-seeking lout.
Thanks to your family issues you almost wiped your whole race out.
Think I play the MCU Card too much? Perhaps but you will still fall.
You couldn’t handle my staff so go back to playing with your little robo-balls.
The Asgardians & Jotuns are some of the mightiest beings in history.
While your kind were a failed Science Project from the Kree.
Such a shame that Marvel is giving you Inhumans so little chance to thrive.
Sadly you Inhumans were just a decent placeholder until the Agents of SHIELD would arrive.
History does matter a lot as my venomous raps & rhymes will sting you like a prattler.
Tell me Maximus how does it feel to be bested by the original Rap Battler?

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

CYBORG!

VS.!

FINN!

Cyborg:
BOO-YAH! Name’s Cyborg, but some of my friends call me Vic.
My raps and flow like my armor plating is oh so slick.
I’m up against the only other black guy in Star Wars history?
Good thing that is not an issue with DC.
Folks like Black Lighting, John Stewart, Vixen & Mr. Terrific are some of the best heroes in my block.
That and I got some fine homies like Mal, Bumblebee and Static Shock.
The only other black guy in your franchise is Ol’ Lando.
That slightly two-faced guy didn’t have the best luck in deals as we all know.
But hey at least you don’t reek of Malt Liquor.
Though face it son I’m stronger, smarter and even quicker.
Not to mention I’m so advanced from my toes to my eye.
But I don’t need that to see how you got friend-zoned in the Last Jedi.
We all knew that Ray really wanted Kylo to give her some Dark Side D.
But at least you got a somewhat cute Asian girl so you’re not in complete misery.
Even you were a little stumped at Rose but I won’t go in any rants.
Though let me guess Disney won’t let you and Poe play up your bromance?

Finn:
Hey tin-face, never got the note that we shouldn’t use the term “Friend-Zone” anymore?
And seriously man why you got to play the Race Card on my franchise’s lore?
So get this straight you half-plated chrome-dome.
Yeah the humans in Star Wars can be pretty monochrome.
But the fact that you left out guys like Mace Windu, Lindo & Gadon Thek is pretty obscene.
That and we got some Marvel Homies like Luke Cage, Misty Knight, Bishop and War Machine.
And don’t you trash talk Lando, we all know now what was his true intent.
Besides who are you to call anyone two-faced. Oh sorry did that “Dent”?
Also if anyone is the “Token Black Guy” in movies my money is on you.
You should’ve taken some notes on John Stewart from the DCAU.
And Kylo is Dark Side scum so I still have a shot with Rey.
So Rose has a little thing for me not that this is necessarily a problem in any way.
When it comes to the ladies who are you calling second-rate.
For years Beast Boy was the closest thing you have to a date.
So step off you generic-named cybernetic has been for I can outmatch you blow-for-blow.
Besides I was able to take on my Arch-Foe.

Cyborg:
Oh big deal you got to take on the female Boba Fett.
Neither of whom were ever really much of a threat.
Okay so my screentime in the big 2017 Justice League was rather lacking.
But when it comes to animation & video games I’m far from slacking.
So face it Finny, I’m a Veteran Titan and ever since 1980 I knew how to thrive.
And in animation, busting baddies has made me feel good since ’85.
So when it comes to Teen Titans or Justice League I can fit in any Super Powers Team.
Not to mention we both know who has the bigger & better blaster beam.
Oh and yes Finn, Kylo is a moody treacherous oedipal punk that is easy to mention.
But that doesn’t necessarily stop his and Rey’s massive sexual tension.
I’ve been a CN Star since 2003 as the 1st Teen Titans has given me a lot of fame.
As even back then the Clone Wars shows helped restore your franchise’s name.
Yes once upon a time Cartoon Network and Star Wars had quite a history.
Well before that old chump Lucas and later even FOX sold out to Disney.
But I’m not bitter; in fact I’ll give some advice while I munch on some pizza.
You should’ve told Old Man Han that family therapy wasn’t his best idea.

Finn:
Really Vic, “Family Therapy”? Aren’t you being a little too hasty?
After all this is coming from a guy whose had Daddy Issues since 1980.
And yes Vic, Disney did buy off a lot of FOX that much is true.
But aren’t you WB Dudes piggybacking off CBS for the CW?
Besides, the WB has DC Comics, Hanna-Barbera and He-Man among other things.
Not to mention the Move Rights to Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings.
You know Vic maybe if WB and FOX didn’t do so much bridge burning.
Then maybe you guys wouldn’t lose so much in your franchise earnings.
You say you have the bigger & better blaster but that is a little cheap & obscene.
Besides at least mine is all natural if you know what I mean.
Oh sure Karen, ol’ Little Miss Bumblebee is fairly well known as your gal-pal.
Pity she is well known to have something bigger & better with Mal.
So Cy you think you can beat me in this little musical battle of rhyme?
I may not have a rubbery dog but I’m often up for some adventuring time.
Hope you kept your systems up to date otherwise you might start to glitch.
Otherwise Ultron would make you his Prison Bitch.

Cyborg:
Oh please I took on Brainiac I can handle that defective oedipal robot.
I’m far from feeling any burn there Hotshot.
Though weren’t you a Stormtrooper? I’m surprised you could shoot at all.
So I doubt you can take me on in any kind of brawl.
In other words I doubt you would last in any kind of DCU.
Heh I doubt you would even last in the land of Ooo.
So your little crack regarding Ultron kind of missed its mark.
But say who made Ultron, Hank Pym or Tony Stark?
But don’t get me wrong when it comes to Star Wars I’m no hater.
I remember when Superman once took on Darth Vader.
As a fighting gamer I’m second to none.
I got two Netherrealm Greats while you guys got a so-so game on the PS1.
So in other words I’m a stylish cyborg who can easily bring down the funk.
And my pinky is more advanced than the Millennium Falcon, that ancient pile of junk.
But hey, aside from EA, I can understand why you guys like Disney.
At least your franchise got redeemed from the Prequel Trilogy.

Finn:
Yes Cy, the prequels were very divisive online that we all know.
I’m sure you could relate to that Mr. Teen Titans Go.
Don’t get me wrong I know you have plenty of history & fame.
But couldn’t you and your dad come up with a better name?
You may be an early example of a Black Cyborg Hero that seems to be great.
However let’s just say you’re no Cyborg 008.
Still aside from Wonder Woman you guys can’t seem to break the DCEU curse.
But hey at least you guys still got the CW’s Arrow-verse.
Meanwhile, Disney has been giving Marvel & Star Wars way more fame and fortune.
At least the DCEU movies have a similar profit margin.
Oh sure Netherrealm is a good studio but I’m not sure if you should feel so much pride.
Cause unlike you at least I never went to the Dark Side!
Trust me dude being Evil Super-Man’s #1 Tech-Support is far from wise.
As Super Girl was not the only one deceived by the Regime’s lies.
Now I know you is a Veteran Teen Titan you Metal-Faced Mister.
But in the Justice League you are just barely a C-Lister.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK!

VS.!

CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD!

BEGIN!

Captain Kirk:
Well, well here comes Mr. “Keeping up with the Cardassians” well that is just fine.
You are coming up against the finest negotiator in Starfleet… and Priceline.
I’m one of the first and finest Sci-fi TV Heroes in all of Televised History.
In fact when it comes to Sci-Fi and Starfleet Heroes I’m quite the OG.
Not to mention on how when it comes to ladies I’m more smooth & debonair.
We maybe rather old Picard but at least I have a lot more hair.
So yes I’m the OG Enterprise Captain and known Ladies Man so yeah I feel pretty great.
Though can we wrap this up Jean? I have an appointment with Dr. Crusher at 8.
Oh come now Picard I can show your ladies how a Captain can be more fun.
Not to mention I would be a bit nicer to Dr. Crusher’s son.
I also noticed how your #1, Riker, has taken plenty of pages from me.
I’m touched; you know what they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
So bring it on you stuck-up skinny old Mr. Clean.
You’re the most British French-Man anyone has ever seen.
I may not be as young as I use to be but I’m still pretty spry.
After all I am the Sean Connery of Sci-Fi.

Captain Picard:
Ah greetings James Tiberius Kirk, the most renowned captain in the 23rd century.
James T. Kirk is known for his quick wit and bravery… also lechery.
First of all yes Kirk I’ve heard all the jokes of a Brit playing a Frenchman.
But I don’t see why that’s an issue, you’re an American played by a Canadian.
And yes Riker does have a known libido but he is still a fine defender.
At least he doesn’t quite come off as a sex offender.
So quite frankly your little history lesson has given me plenty of reasons to scoff.
Sean Connery, heh more like David Hasselhoff.
Though perhaps I was a bit harsh there Mr. Kingdom of the Spiders.
Maybe I should apologize to Mr. Knight Rider.
So Kirk you think you can woo Dr. Crusher? Heh heh oh please…
What’s the real reason here, to make sure if you have that kind of disease?
Face it you are fairly well known for being a pompous oafish lecherous ass.
While I have given our franchise a lot more class.
For I Jean-Luc Picard, became one of the most beloved Captains in Star Trek history.
Why many have said that our franchise peaked after me.

Captain Kirk:
Oh Picard your attempt at raps and rhymes are just plain sad.
For starters I maybe a Ladies Man but I’m not that bad.
I’m more of a lover than a cad; that idea is not too crazy.
Considering all the times I’ve wept for a lady.
When it comes to being a charismatic captain I know how to play.
Though I admit that at times my job does get in the way.
I’m quite the Gentleman as anyone could see.
After all my show was the most progressive show on 1960’s TV.
Also I could see why you would like Dr. Crusher best.
But it is a pity that almost everyone finds her son to be such a pest.
Oh you are a fine performer Picard not even I would give that any dispelling.
After all you’re well known for making a bunch of Gibberish sound so compelling.
I’m not only iconic on TV but my movie history is also quite fine.
Ah yes, from the Wrath of Khan to the reboot movies starring Chris Pine.
So you should give your glorious predecessor his due.
Or perhaps you prefer to have time with your old boyfriend Q?

Captain Picard (aiming his phaser at Kirk):
Don’t you dare mention that omnipotent pest to me, if you please!
Otherwise I’ll shoot that thing you call a hair-piece!
Oh don’t act surprised you lecherous buffoonish chump.
We all know you are the Starfleet version of Donald Trump!
OK perhaps that was a bit much, even then Star Trek always had a progressive history.
Well aside from the frequent misogyny. Oh yes I shall give Uhura my sympathy.
So yes Kirk, you certainly do have more history than me by far.
Why ever since the 1970s you were the original Slash Fic star.
Oh I could say more but I have too much respect for Mr. Spock.
Nevertheless you has-been sell-out I’ll show you how to rock!
As for acting… perhaps I should… start talking… like this?
After all… isn’t this such… well-acted… bliss?
Also many of my show’s effects aged well even you can see that is true.
While your show however… well… at least it’s not as bad as the original Doctor Who.
You know Kirk for a Captain your sense of Direction is… not great, that is quite clear.
Otherwise we all wouldn’t have suffered through that Final Frontier.

Captain Kirk:
Oh Star Trek V wasn’t that bad, so it wasn’t exactly Cinematic Bliss.
After all you would know thing or two about flops isn’t that right Mr. NEMESIS?
I can be quite the performer just ask the Bronies or Batfans as anyone can see.
Though, we all know that you merrily March with Marvel so much its Uncanny.
So when it comes to performing I can match you blow for blow.
Oh and for the record I… only talked like… this… in Season 3 of… the original show.
Yes Uhura may’ve been a glorified secretary but is that such a bad thing?
Don’t believe me? Why don’t you ask Dr. Martin Luther King?
So is your show more progressive than mine, perhaps it is true.
Well that is… aside from Season 1 Episode 2.
So I’m no has-been as I still have quite the history.
And I’m a sell-out? That’s rich from a guy who sounds like a Poop Emoji.
I admit I’m a little surprised your mouth is making so much bitter noise.
I always thought you and Sisko were my biggest fanboys.
So go ahead and keep making obscure references to things like Spiders.
Like I said in the movies, I’ve been saving the galaxy since your grandpa was in diapers.

Captain Picard:
Yes Kirk, Nemesis did not do well even I would admit this for a fact.
Good thing I still had movies like First Contact.
I took on Romulans, Cardassians and the Borg but I won’t make a fuss.
We’re not entirely sure if you could take on Tribbles, let alone Christopher Columbus.
Also you’re no OG on Sci-Fi TV & Movies why that would be obscene.
For starters you’re no Flash Gordon so make like a Protoman and hail to the Queen!
So sorry Denny, your legacy & fame is not quite so regal.
Besides over the years many people liked you better on Boston Legal
My sense of respect among the fans and my crew has always been greater.
You didn’t regain respect until many years later.
And yes “Code of Honor” was directed by a racist foolish bum.
Though I wonder what Native Americans felt about “The Paradise Syndrome”?
So in other words on TV you are known for being a 60’s Skirt-Chasing Flirt.
While in the movies you were known for going down like a Red-Shirt.
So yes Ol’ Shatner may’ve repaired some bridges through-out his long career.
Though, perhaps you should watch out in case if there are any falling bridges here.

(In which Kirk briefly glares at Picard, until he nervously looks around at the ceiling.)

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

GOKU!

VS.!

RYU!

BEGIN!

Ryu:
Greetings, I am Ryu and it appears fortune has smiled.
For my opponent today is the Anime Industry’s #1 Man-Child.
Oh don’t get me wrong as Fighter I’m sure your quite fit.
However you’re not exactly known for your wit.
So I’m sure you’re quite a powerful warrior Mr. Saiyan.
But you’re quite lacking in many things such as discipline.
For you are up against one of the founding fathers of Fighting Game History!
Some of us liked you better back when your journey had a bit more mystery.
I have heard stories of you taking on the likes of Superman.
I heard he was surprised… that you sound like an old woman in Japan.
Over the years I have been a firm believer that the fight is all.
But needless to say you need more than fists and blasts to win this brawl.
So you should give Japan’s #1 Street Fighter his due.
Hope you have got all 7 Dragon Balls; you’ll need them when I’m done with you.
I have one last bit of advice before I get into a Battle Stance.
That you must defeat my Dragon Punch to stand a chance!

Goku:
Hey hey Street Fighter, keep on fighting make the future brighter!
Go ahead Street Fighter!
Heh heh oh this little Rap Battle is so going to be fun.
Though I wonder why you kind of sound like my son.
That jumping uppercut of yours is I suppose a decent strike.
But thanks to Toei I’ll show you what a real Dragon Punch is like!
And yeah I’m one of Anime’s biggest stars from East to West.
But when it comes to battle I’m always up for the test.
So yeah I’m basically Toriyama & Toei’s Pride and Joy.
As I’ve been fighting harder than you since I was a little boy.
I’m starting to see why people want me to fight Superman again & again.
Even my Kai-o-ken is better than your measly Hadou-ken.
So I’m not so sure about your “Founding Father” history.
I mean yes, there is the 1st SF game & the Alpha Trilogy.
What I mean is sure you’re well known in the Street Fighter Tournament.
But for a Main Character you’re for the most part kind of irrelevant.

(Then Ryu’s eyes glow red as his body glows with a dark power and has a certain Japanese writing character glowing red on his back.)

Dark Ryu:
This “Raging Demon” can easily slay this so-called Anime Hero.
Whose success is from an overbearing Status Quo.
You give your family nothing but absolute neglect & strife.
You’ve constantly endangered your sons and you’ve friend-zoned your wife.
Go ahead; try to disprove that with all of your might.
Even Toriyama-San says you’re a selfish idiot who only wants to fight.
Also you should be a little curious about your wife and some of your peers.
After all before the Buu Saga you left Chi-chi alone for how many years?
We all know that Dragon Ball is Toei’s favorite Cash Cow.
But shouldn’t Gohan have replaced you as MC by now?
So go ahead and power up while doing that constipated scream.
Then you’ll look like an over-glorified & power-scaled Aryan Wet Dream.
Also a lot of DC Comics & Fighting Game fans deem you to be second rate.
But to be fair Goku Black & Regime Superman would get along great.
So your fame doesn’t matter you Super Fool I’ll knock you Black & Blue in this fray.
FOR YOU ARE THE SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS OF SHOUNEN ANIME!

(Then Goku powers up into his Super Saiyan Form)

SS Goku:
So you’re harnessing the Dark Hadou just because you’re getting dissed?
Now you’re really starting to remind me of a certain Master of the Fist.
Oh yeah and before you start bringing up the Man of Steel.
Keep in mind that Goku Black was an impostor while you’re the real deal!
In a fight I’ll show you that I’m second to none!
And you say I mistreat my family? *tch* At least I have one.
Okay I admit I’m still not sure what Marriage is, alright?
But I’d protect my friends and family with all my might!
And yeah Gohan and I may have gone on a different path.
Most of our foes could never withstand our Saiyan wrath.
Though wait didn’t Gouken seal away your Dark Hadou in Street Fighter 4?
It’s kind of hard to keep up with your franchise’s lore.
Sad you became a shoe-horned palette-swap even you know it’s true.
The Dark Hadou was the only reason why M. Bison would care about you.
So sorry you so-called mascot we are not exactly equals.
Maybe you should cut down on the reversions and give us more actual sequels.

(Now the Dark Aura from Ryu begins to fade as Ryu’s body is starting to emit a white glow & aura.)

Ryu:
It is true that the Satsui No Hado has not given me much pride.
But thanks to the Power of Nothingness I have cast my darkness aside.
So I’m no Raging Demon though I’m not quite a Paladin.
But my Hadou-ken is probably powerful enough to take on a Saiyan.
And yes my history is not quite consistent I admit that is true.
Granted the whole Dragon Ball franchise has a “Super” long list of retcons too.
So yes you are indeed one of the most famous Anime Heroes in History.
Although Goku you did try to pass the torch too much in the 2nd half of DBZ.
Don’t get me wrong I know your sons love & respect you that I do know.
But they were raised by their Not-so Jolly Green Nanny Piccolo.
Also aren’t you getting a bit too old to not know of things like Marital Vows?
Despite your Man-Childish ways aren’t you Middle-Aged by now?
Perhaps this is why Capcom would rather adventure into the Bizarre.
Besides Street Fighter V proves I can still be quite the star.
I can be a real Marvel of a Super Smasher; I assure you that is no mere prattle.
Even in Crossovers and Raps, the Answer lies… in the heart of battle!

(Now Goku powers up even more so as he now becomes Super Saiyan Blue.)

SSB Goku:
Got to say, I like your new shiny white aura there Ryu, but I’m far from fearful.
I maybe looking a little blue I’m feeling quite cheerful.
Still think you can out-flow me? Trust me I’m far from done.
Like I said in the official ERB I Kai-o-ken get it done!
I’m one of the biggest reasons why people love Akira Toriyama from East to West.
Well alongside those like Chrono Trigger & Dragon Quest.
Should I take a cue from Guile & Gohan to go home and be a family man? I suppose it’s true.
Then again I wonder if I should say the same to you.
In Street Fighter V you got to be the Shining White Knight to Li-Fen & Chun-Li.
Are you two going to be Li-Fen's Mommy & Daddy, c’mon you can tell me.
And yeah I do understand why people think Gohan should’ve taken my place.
But I can’t help it that I’ve always been my franchise’s face.
Though I don’t why know your Kameha… eh I mean Hadouken is you’re Pride & Joy.
I mean I’ve mastered Energy Blasts since I was a little boy.
You’re an Iconic Street Fighter but ask Sol & Ragna why I’m not throwing a fit.
As Dragon BallZ Fighter is getting way more love than SF 5 and MVC Infinite.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

CABLE!

VS.!

HAN SOLO!

BEGIN!

(Han Solo)
Hey viewers Han Solo is here to make the 1st shots in this rap battle show.
But then again I always shoot first, just ask Greedo.
My skills with a blaster are barely without peer.
Not to mention I was the one to help jumpstart Harrison Ford’s career.
I’m going up against the edgiest 90’s anti-hero in Marvel History.
Though even Deadpool thinks you’d fit it better for the movies for DC.
I easily have the longer legacy & better history; I mean seriously do the math.
I got to knock up a Princess while you babysit a nutty sociopath.
You’re an Edgy 90’s relic who hangs out with lovable psycho crazies.
And you’re a product of your Daddy Scott’s love of Shapely Red-Headed Ladies.
Don’t get me wrong Ol’ Cyclops does have a fine taste in Lovers.
But we are still not quite sure which one of these ladies is your mother.
So be careful the next time you go on another little time trip.
I got an old homeboy in a hat who can take you down with a whip.
Also I easily have more cinematic success than this Buffed up Doctor Who.
As Disney has Thanos while Fox has you.
So yeah I may at times be a bit crude & crass.
But when it comes to Sci-fi Movie heroes I’m the original badass.
Don’t get me wrong I know you became a famous Anti-hero as the years gone by.
But in your debut weren’t you kind of a bad guy?

(Cable)
Alright you old has-been you better give the Wild Man of Borneo here his due.
I’m surprised you didn’t let that walking throw rug fight this battle for you.
And I’m still in my prime while has-beens like you & Indy are old & dull.
Anyways it’s time to take down this Crystal Numb-Skull.
Sure you got Harrison Ford famous for being a smuggler in space.
Too bad he resents you for having to deal with your obnoxious fanbase.
You are an overrated smug jerk who flies a spaceship that is a junky clunker.
Heh Ford was probably better off hanging out with Archie Bunker.
Okay a lot of people thought you were so cool & tough that much is true.
But looking tougher than young Luke is not hard to do.
Though perhaps I shouldn’t trash-talk Luke, I’m sure he is the bigger threat.
For starters at least he didn’t get taken down by Boba Fett.
As guys like Luke and I can take on bigger threats of all different kinds.
Not to mention we easily have far more powerful minds.
Oh and while your little UST scenes with Leia in the original trilogy can be fun.
But it’s a pity that in the EU and the ST you two had an evil screw-up of a son.
You were trying to make cracks about my father Cyclops to make me mad.
Maybe you should take notes from him on how to be a better dad.
So go on and brag that you were with Princess Cinnabun-head there Mister.
Tell me how does it feel to be in a love triangle with a Brother and Sister?

(Han Solo)
Hey there we’ve heard all the incest jokes before alright?
Though I suppose that is what she gets for kissing him to give me spite.
Still I got plenty of questions for you there slick.
Like why would you nickname yourself after an old Frank Morgan flick?
And are you shit-talking Chewbacca? Excuse me while I scoff.
Seriously that “walking throw rug” can easily rip your cyber arm off.
Course I don’t need him to tan your old cyborg hide.
After all like I said before all you need is a good blaster by your side.
Oh sure you got more blasters but my aim is true.
So you better give the Galaxy’s Greatest Smuggler his due.
And the Millennium Falcon is no junker it’s a classic!
Even in the Sequel Trilogy it’s still running smooth & fantastic.
So yeah I may be powerless & getting old but I’m still pretty spry.
Besides at least I still have my right arm and eye.
And say what you will about Ben but Leia and I make you 2nd rate.
What’s the matter, sore that Deadpool is the closest thing you have to a date?
So you think that the timelines in Star Wars can be so bafflingly obscene?
Funny, didn’t your dad die so he can become a time-misplaced teen?
Sorry Mr. Basic Cable, but your raps & rhymes do fall pretty flat.
Now why don’t you go play patty-cake with Deadpool, I’m sure he’ll love that.

(Cable)
Yes Deadpool has given me nothing but headaches & strife.
But until Leia came in, Chewbacca was the closest thing you have to a wife.
Though Han, perhaps I should give your old bromantic fuzzball his due.
After all he has way more screentime & relevance than you.
So you think your one of the galaxy’s greatest shooters?
Oh please any idiot can out-shoot the Imperial Storm-Troopers!
Sorry you old has-been is the truth making you distraught?
Like Luke & the Death Star, I can take that flying scrap-heap down in 1 shot!
Your upcoming movie is about your glory days as a young lady-killer.
Too bad it’s basically over-glorified Summer Filler.
Seriously your attempts at a counter-raps are just plain sad.
For starters I like how even you don’t deny that Cyclops is the better man & dad.
So yeah you do have a longer history & fame.
But thanks to folks like Capcom I got game.
Oh I see why you love your glory days, you were everyone’s #1 Sci-Fi Badboy Hunk.
Pity you left your family, since your son turned out to be a whiny, edgy oedipal punk.
Also as for Leia, you weren’t exactly the best lover.
What’s the matter, wonder if you might’ve got cucked by her brother?
Sure Leia did fine ever since she got saved by the fattest of fat slugs.
Pity a certain someone went back to using drugs.

[Now an Angry Han points his blaster at Cable.]

(Han Solo)
Heh heh oh isn’t this wonderful?
Hey buddy does the phrase “Too Soon” ring a bell, asshole?
I may not have been the best dad & husband, but I’m no creep.
Also in Marvel vs. Capcom 2 you were the Patron Saint of all things Cheap.
For a Time Traveler your sense of history is kind of pathetic.
Since for starters you give your dad far too much credit.
Cyclops was known for protecting his beloved Jean Grey at any cost.
Then Ol’ Cyclops body has been feeling a little too much Frost.
Seriously his off-and-on thing with Jean can be a bit obscene.
Especially ever since he… uh…“kneeled” to the Goblin & White Queen...
You should brush up on Ol’ Slim’s Hellfire History there Sonny.
At least I never committed any sort of adultery.
But you seem to be a One Woman Man with Domino in the X-Men.
Though between you & Deadpool who is she dating again?
So yeah while you have aided the X-Men in many of their fights.
Though, you initially set the New Mutants in your target sights.
It’s a good thing that Foxy Feud is almost over so we can fully reunite Marvel.
Sure Deadpool’s 1st flick was a surprise hit; the sequel isn’t doing quite as well.
Face it Cable you’re not much of a Time-Travelling Super Hero.
Especially, since you rarely if ever save your future world’s Status Quo.

(Cable)
So you bring up the New Mutants huh? I see…
Perhaps you should check up on your history, namely on Superdickery.
Namely I was never an actual bad guy in my debut.
Does the phrase “Never Judge a Book by its Cover” ring a bell to you?
Okay yes there were my initial scenes in Deadpool’s 2nd flick.
But I had my reasons for being a Terminator there slick.
I normally don’t defend Deadpool, but yeah his movies make him feel content.
Besides at least he can find success without caving in to the Chinese Government.
Anyways okay let’s back on track here such as in Star Wars Episode 7.
Which, it is well known as a pandering slice of Retro Nostalgic Heaven.
In which you and old Chewie got to be the biggest smugglers in the Galaxy.
Pity you left your family which lead to all 3 of you being in misery.
Sure it was nice that Harrison Ford can show his old franchises he is still boss.
Pity it’s kind of 0-3, Indy was Iffy, you died and so did Blade Runner in the B.O Gross.
So Han, in Episode 7, you’re back as the #1 Smuggler but also as the new Obi-Wan.
Yeah you became quite the Heroic Mentor, shame you ended like one.
And yes the Sequel Trilogy has restored Star War’s fame and pride.
Pity you and Luke shamefully got Ben to the Dark Side.
Okay Han seeing you relieve your glory days in Episode 7 may have been fun.
That is until you got skewered by your own son!

[Then just as Cable was about to whip out one of his blasters he suddenly just dodged a shot from a certain someone namely…]

(Lando Calrissian)
Sorry there Mr. Spoilers but your raps & rhymes were clearly the worst.
Oh and for the record there fanboys I shot first.
Also Cable, before you bring up the MCU in this Musical Fray.
Keep in mind we at Star Wars don’t rely too much on China too, okay?
Lando Calrissian is here and yeah I’m just that slick.
Though Han old pal, I’m surprised you didn’t about our new hit flick.
It’s about our younger days where I’m played by Marshall Lee from Adventure Time.
Anyways it’s time for me to swing in for this Ultimate Battle of Rhyme.
As for you Cable, like Han said you were one of cheapest guys in fighting game history.
What are you going to do? Whip that big Hyper Cannon out at me?
I know Capcom often likes to tell their fighters to go for broke.
But I’ll try to avoid the obvious compensation joke.
Still I’m the James Rhodes to Han’s Tony Stark.
And my shots hardly ever miss their mark.
Seriously Cable you try to act all tough, brooding & cool.
While we all know you are playing 2nd fiddle to Deadpool.
So there is no way you can beat Han and I in this musical fight.
But I’ll be sure to give Domino your regards to her later on tonight.
Face it you Marvel 2nd-stringer you can never out-match our legacy & fame.
Now it’s time for me to go like a Black Bon Jovi and you are to blame.

[Then as Lando fires his blaster at Cable a certain someone steps in and absorbs the blast namely.]

(Bishop)
The Name’s Bishop, Lucas Bishop, and you Star Has-beens are heading for disaster.
Want to take me down? You need way more than your little blaster.
I’m here to make sure that the X-Men will win.
Watch me give a musical beatdown to the not-so great ruler of Bespin.
For starters you’re no Black Bon Jovi so I am not playing your game.
Though Lando you do give Friendship a bad name.
Yeah your Han’s Old Pal and the original black guy in Star Wars that is easy to see.
Too bad that in your debut scene is well known for your treachery.
So you think you’re like Rhodey? Oh please that is rather obscene.
Trust me Lando you are no War Machine.
Yeah you and Han are such great pals in this battle of rhymes.
Hey Han, remember when you got frozen and sent to Jabba? Ha ha, good times.
Seriously you let Vader come in and gave Han over to Boba Fett.
That is the only reason why that one-hit wonder became a threat.
Then Vader went back on his deal, surprising no one but you.
Search your feelings Lando you know it to be true.
Seriously you two-faced backstabber, get bent.
Why don’t you go play with some Legos so you can get “Dent”?
Step off you Half-Fro Has-Been my Raps & Rhymes are a lot sicker.
Now why don’t you drown your sorrows out on some Malt Liquor?

(Lando Calrissian)
*sigh* Man nobody lets us Star Wars Vets ever live anything down.
Well you know what they say “So heavy is the head that wears the crown”.
So yeah I regret that the Empire forced my hand during my debut to save my land alright?
But since Vader is a lousy dealmaker I now aid my Rebel Alliance pals with all my might.
So these Outdated Disses are so not going to fly.
I take it you haven’t seen Return of the Jedi?
Also my style is classic as I’m a #1 Hit with a Bullet.
At least it’s better than being one of the only Black Guys with a Mullet.
Your Miss Marvel-esque powers are decent but that don’t mean a thing.
You call yourself Bishop but in this game I’m the King!
And yeah I still do enjoy a good Colt 45 is that so crazy?
Seriously man who do you think you are, Wayne Brady?
My rhymes will put you in your place, so get that stupid-looking M off your face, do you understand?
So Bishop would you and Cable, like to have a play-date with Boba in the sand?
But rest assured I am not angry so you’re not going to see my wrath.
Hey Han maybe we should draw these guys a nice Carbonite bath?
An Apocalyptic Future ruled by a tyrannical government has been your back-story for over a score.
If you wanted to escape it so much why did you go Pro-Reg in Civil War?
Face it Luke when it comes to this Rap Battle you are so not going to last.
Because the Days of your Rap Battling Future Have Past!

(Bishop)
Alright, alright yes Lando I have been paying attention.
I’m well aware that you’ve done plenty of good things for your redemption.
Still I have some questions to ask about some present parts of Star Wars history.
Such as why you Lando, have yet to appear in the Sequel Trilogy?
What’s that? You have no answer, well that is just fine.
Maybe if you’re lucky you might appear in Episode Nine.
Still you have little screen time & relevance compared to Han in almost every way.
But to be fair at least you didn’t get to be in a Holiday Special on Life Day.
Also this “stupid-looking M” on my face is no tacky facial stamp.
In fact it’s a little memento of my time in a Mutant Concentration Camp!
Still at least you’re no Dead-Beat Dad & Hubby unlike Han so you don’t have that sin.
Then again there have been some interesting theories on Finn.
And yeah a lot of people did not like Civil War that much is true.
At least it had better versions in Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2 and the MCU.
Anyways at least my aim & powers are obviously greater.
Though I do wonder if I could absorb a light-saber.
So sorry Lando, but your Raps & Rhymes do fail to impress.
For the record a Bishop can cause a checkmate in Chess.
So keep on relying on nostalgic favor & flavor Mr. Colt 45.
While us Merry Marvel Men will still get to thrive.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

PAULINE!

VS.!

IRENE LEW!

BEGIN!

Pauline:
Hi there, I’m Pauline, Nintendo’s original heroine.
And for that reason alone I feel like I’m-a gonna win.
I doubt I would need much to take you on in this musical verse.
All I need is my hat, umbrella and purse.
I was recently a part of an Odyssey that was second to none.
But I’ve been “The Lady” to Nintendo since 1981.
Sure you are the original Ninja Gaiden heroine, in which that trilogy is a known success.
But keep in mind your franchise’s fame and role didn’t come in until the NES.
I’ve heard you’re quite the CIA agent but that doesn’t mean you have a prayer.
After all you’re up against New Donk City’s beloved Mayor!
Sure I may’ve been the original Damsel in Distress but I’m still quite the OG.
It’s obvious that I have the longer legacy & history.
After the original NG Trilogy your presence & screen-time took a nosedive.
You know, ever since Ryu started to hang out with the crew from Dead or Alive.
Oh I know you came back recently you Ms. Blade wannabe so don’t get me wrong.
Hey “Sonia”, want some Blonde Hair Dye & Breast Implants to go with your retcon?

Irene Lew:
So my opponent is this barely used bimbo from Nintendo.
You’re coming up against Irene Lew the original heroine from Tecmo.
So how did you get into politics, you’re not exactly known for your heroic might.
Who did you run up against, Jessica Haggar from Final Fight?
Sure you were here first, but your claims of a longer legacy do make me scoff.
After all you’re the only one of the DK big 3 to not get a more famous spin-off.
Oh and before you bring up any more retcons in this Rap Battle Song.
Didn’t you use to be a Blonde back in the original Donkey Kong?
Back in ’94 Donkey Kong’s GB game was your big comeback.
And ever since then you were known as a Brunette with a much bigger rack.
While you still pine for a plump plumber I’m still with one of the finest Shinobi in Japan.
Isn’t it obvious that between Ryu & Mario, Ryu is clearly more of a man?
Yeah its true Mario has been in a lot of Super Smashing Brawls.
But Ryu easily has the bigger and hotter fireballs.
Ryu is better at slaying demons but at least I could handle a big stupid Monkey.
Also there are some rumors about you getting “bug sprayed” by Stanley.

 

Pauline:
So you still think you can out-sing me? Well you must be pretty gallant.
Because Irene, unlike you I’ve shown plenty of musical talent.
Ever since my main man Mario has given his new Homey Cappy a good twirl.
I have been his 1-Up Girl.
So maybe Ryu Hayabusa is rather speedy & slim.
Yet it’s strange how in your debut you got the drop on him.
And yet after that you became a Damsel in Distress for the rest of the NES trilogy.
For a while after that your whereabouts became a bit of a mystery.
So we can talk about which one of our fellas is more hung.
But for a while a lot of fans thought that Ryu liked them young.
Of course I’m referring to Kasumi, Ms. Sexy Ninja Princess Jailbait.
Whose skills & screen time make yours second rate.
Okay I may have one of the biggest busts in the Mario series but I won’t throw a fit.
Because unlike you DOA dames I’m a lot more proportionate.
Granted you’re not the only allegedly action babe in Ryu’s Life in case you can’t tell.
Don’t believe me? Why don’t you ask Rachel?

Irene Lew:
Alright I admit your song in Super Mario Odyssey was some nice new content.
Though I wonder why you sound like that Tina Armstrong… well without the accent.
But still all things considered I can still outmatch you blow for blow.
Your biggest Post-Odyssey part you have so far is an Ultimate Smash Cameo.
Sure our first games where known to be Challenging and Cinematic.
But your post Donkey Kong status is slightly tragic.
You & Mario made your animated debut as Saturday Supercade’s main showpiece.
But in that show weren’t you Mario’s niece?
Sure some say you were Mario’s date in his big ’93 Cinematic Treatment.
But not everyone would find that to be a fine achievement.
And your easily far more of a Damsel in Distress than me, so don’t be dumb.
Granted Mario has spent way more time in the Mushroom Kingdom.
So you may have the longer legs and larger breasts.
But as far as Mario’s lovers are concerned your practically the Pete Best.
So Miss Mayor, before you bring up any cute oversexed kunoichi in this musical fight.
You do realize that Nintendo replaced you with Peach a few decades ago right?

Pauline:
So you want to bring up adaptations huh? Is that your best plan?
You only had 1 average-at-best anime OVA hardly seen outside Japan.
I’ve only been a Damsel in Distress? Well you’re in for a surprise.
In Super Mario Odyssey I’m one of Mario’s more useful allies.
Yeah I know that a good portion of fans want Peach to be Mario’s bride.
However that game’s ending did get a bit more gamers on my side.
Besides even back when Mario 1st gave Bowser and his goons a good brawl
He and I did spend some time after hours playing some pinball.
Keep in mind I got my current look for my big comeback in Donkey Kong ‘94.
So in other words I’ve been a recurring gal for over a score.
Not to mention for all you folks who want a Mini-Mario Fix.
That Mario and I have been running a toy company together since 2006.
Come on Aileen, you’ll have to do better than that Ms. Sea Swallow.
Besides nobody is truly sure what Mario & Peach are not even Nintendo.
Ol’ Ryu always have to save his pretty gal pals even if their supposed to be tough & witty.
Though Irene, you probably got more action while getting tied by Christie.

Irene Lew:
So Pauline your using Yuri jokes in this musical fight?
You know some of us wonder if you enjoy the taste of “Syrup” at night.
Okay, okay I know that is most likely not true.
But many of us do wonder if Captain Syrup is the “Wa” version of you.
So Jump up you so-called Super Star as you are far from being my equal.
For starters ever got impaled & survive in a sequel?
Though, come to think of it in the MvDK series Mario has been a bit of a lazy jerk.
As ever since the 2nd MvDK game he’s been getting his toys to do all of his dirty work.
Until Mario went on his Odyssey your role wasn’t all that great.
Then again Nintendo could never keep anything about Mario’s story straight.
Oh sure don’t get me wrong Shigeru Miyamoto has given us years of gaming bliss.
But the majority of the story ideas on Super Mario were not even his.
Sure unlike Link & DK there is only 1 Mario and you’re known for being his original lover.
Though it is a bit weird since some fans like to think you’re his mother.
Sorry Miss New Donk Mayor but you are not really a threat.
As far as Ryu’s Love Life in concerned I’m #1 with a Bullet.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

WAR MACHINE!

VS.

JOHN STEWART!

BEGIN!

War Machine:
Name’s Rhoades, James Rhoades but everyone else calls me War Machine.
Green is going to get topped by Gunmetal Grey in this Musical Scene.
Yeah my Super Suit has got all sorts of fancy Bells & Whistles.
Like how I’m on point like my Machine Guns & Missiles.
Perhaps I can finish you off with a Smart Bomb or a Laser.
Isn’t it obvious that my suit’s arsenal is so much greater?
Seriously my suit is a fine example of StarkTech Skill & Might
Then again I could use a #2 Pencil & some Lemonade to beat you in a fight.
Don’t get me wrong we’ve both proudly served our country that much is true.
Maybe you’ll get some help from Diana while she tries to save the DCU.
So I’d advice that you not mess with me Mr. Green Lantern.
This suit knows all about you Green Chump’s attack patterns.
So I doubt you gonna last in this musical contest.
Because like in Marvel vs. Capcom I’ll show you my Sunday best!
This Loontern is going to see, how bad a battle can be.
You Nova Corp Wannabes are no Guardians of the Galaxy.

John Stewart:
Alright seriously your raps & rhymes, like your grasp of history are clearly the worst.
Any idiot can tell you that the Green Lanterns, like yours truly, were here first.
Sorry Mr. War Machine but I doubt you’ll be much of a threat.
So step up Mr. Air Force, you’re up against an Ol’ Marine Vet!
So you want to brag about all your weapons in this musical fight?
You do realize my ring can recreate all of these weapons right?
Step off you Faux-Iron Man for I’m so going to be the winner.
I’m my own man in the Lanterns while your Tony Stark’s babysitter.
Serving a rich horny drunk who loves the ladies with a DD but he needs a good AA.
So I doubt you’re going to win this fray, Mr. Gunmetal Grey.
While your lap dogging Tony’s drunken syphilitic punk bitch-ass.
I’ve been giving the DCAU a bit more class.
In fact the DCAU did make me quite the animated star.
Partly thanks to the fine talents of Phil LaMarr.
Ah yes Jim you were subbing for a hung over Tony long before War Machine’s debut.
It’s a good thing Falcon didn’t have to take notes from you.

War Machine:
So you think I have a bad grasp of history is that true?
First of all for the record, yeah I was a pilot but I was with the Marines too.
So I have no idea what was behind that reprimanding.
After all you were originally only known as Hal Jordan’s stand-in.
So your grasp of history is also a bit suspect.
After all weren’t you originally just some architect?
Sure a lot of people loved the DCAU shows.
But didn’t Justice League Unlimited end over a decade ago?
Thanks to the DCAU, viewers & the Justice League find you to be a valued ally.
Beforehand you were only known as “Hey let’s make Green Lantern a black guy.”
But I’m also cool in Animation, Anime and Video Games man, so chill.
Besides you’re not the only one here who got played by Phil.
Oh and Tony Stark is my best bro, so hanging with him gives me no shame.
Say didn’t you babysit that yellow-bellied bitch Hal in the Injustice Games?
Okay yeah I know Tony is well known for his love of sexy women.
But say Jon who are you dating again, Hawk Girl or Vixen?

John Stewart:
Seriously man let’s not bring false equivalences regarding our history.
Yeah it’s complicated; still I’m way, way less likely to get an STD.
So yeah Hal Jordan is still the main GL, but many CN viewers liked me best.
It’s more likely to happen than you think, just ask Wally West.
I am a Jon Stewart so I can give you a Daily Show.
On how this ring would outclass your tin can suit blow for blow.
For example it can shield me from your guns, lasers & smart bombs.
You’re just a palette-swap of Starks in the Comics, Cartoons & Capcom.
Yeah you’ve been Stark’s right-hand man since ’79 that is true.
But you didn’t get your own Super Hero name until 1992.
The Green Lantern Corp can easily know you Starktech Suckers down flat.
Also you’d never last in GL basic training, ol’ Kilowog will make sure of that.
Alright so bring out all of your little toys in that wind-up suit.
But as I’ve often said my ring would make this dispute, moot.
My Raps & Rhymes would you paralyze you like in MCU: Civil War.
So hit the road Rhoadey and don’t you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.

(So War Machine leaps up in the air and within seconds comes back in a new suit of armor namely…)

Iron Patriot:
So you think I play with a bunch of toys huh, I see.
Big talk you Faux-Ray coming from a big man who plays with OP Jewelry.
Like my new suit it’s the classic Red, White and Blue.
So you better give the Iron Patriot here his due.
Okay you’re not as bad as Tony with the ladies, but your love life is still a bit screwy.
In my previous verse I forgot to mention Katma Tui.
So your beloved by Cartoon Network huh, well I have a few queries.
How come you were barely mentioned in Green Lantern the Animated Series?
So I ‘m not sure if you should be talking about movies there slick.
After all there is Hal Jordan’s rather floptastic debut flick.
Of course the Merc with the Mouth does send his regards.
But you win this Rap Battle? Trust me it’s not in the cards.
Also yeah you Green Lanterns came first all around but you guys still do suck.
The GOG & Nova have a Rocketing Raccoon while you guys have a Daffy Duck.
So trust me we Merry Marvel Men still do know how to thrive.
Even when Thanos is around I do know how to stay alive, stay alive.

Jon Stewart:
Alright let me get this straight about the musical references here, if you please.
I went with Ray Charles while you went with the Bee-Gees?
Though I can see why you would put on that oh-so patriotic shell.
Tell me does it still reek of Norman Osborn’s Hair Gel?
As for movies, yeah it’s a little surprising you survived that Infinity War flick.
But we all know that most of those “deaths” are so not going to stick.
And don’t you dare diss Daffy & the Looney Tunes you Iron-Cuck.
At least our first major movie wasn’t “Howard the Duck”.
Daffy the Green Loontern can be a fine ally in our intergalactic fray.
So you need help from Donald, Scrooge & Darkwing Duck today?
But I wonder why you never lifted up your face plate in this Rap Battle show.
What is it because you have a lamer moustache than Ol’ Sinestro?
Like I said before I’m my own man while you’re Tony Stark’s Tin-Can Hanger-on.
My ring’s fully charged so I know how to end this little Rap Battle song.
In Brightest Day, in Blackest Night, no posers shall escape my sight.
Let those who worship Disney’s might, beware my power GREEN LANTERN’S LIGHT!

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

DONKEY KONG!

VS.!

OPTIMUS PRIMAL!

BEGIN!

Donkey Kong:
Hey yawl I’m finally here performing for all of you.
If you all know the words you can join in too.
Put you’re your hands together if you want to clap.
As I’ll show you all, my Monkey Battle Rap.
Huh! DK! I’m Donkey Kong! I’m the leader of the bunch, yawl know me well.
I’m finally here to kick some Maximal Tail.
I’ve got the bigger & stronger gun and it can fire in spurts.
And when I shoot ya’ it’s gonna hurt!
I’m bigger, faster and stronger too!
I’m the first member of the DK Crew!
Huh! DK! Donkey Kong! DK! Donkey Kong is here!
Ah that was fun but I can do more than just N64 Nostalgia just so we’re clear.
I’m taking on this Mid-90s Hasbro Has-Been.
It’s obvious that the 1st Simian of Video Games is so going to win.
Still got to say Primal, you maybe all noble, heroic & gallant.
But thanks to RARE & Nelvana I’ve already shown plenty of musical talent.

Optimus Primal:
So you’re my opponent in this musical battle of rhyme?
Well like I’ve often said in the past, well that’s just Prime.
Yes I’m more of a leader than a singer in my franchise’s lore.
But at least I wouldn’t rehash some cheesy lame lyrics from the N64.
Oh I can see why you used the DK Rap in this little rap bout.
Both you and RARE piqued in the 90s, before Microsoft got RARE to sell out.
The DK Country games were quite famous that is clearly undisputed.
A pity RARE made your backstory kind of convoluted.
After all RARE practically rewritten the Kong’s whole history.
And it’s why Miyamoto was once a bit Jack Kirby before he went Stan Lee.
So while the original DK Trilogy gave you kongs a lot more fame.
It’s a little odd that you only starred in the first game.
Your old Nelvana series was a decent show about you & your fellow kongs.
But did it really need to have so many musical songs?
Anyways my Maximals and I have kept Transformers going strong since ’96.
Your Crystal Coconut is but a Marble compared to my Autobot Matrix.

Donkey Kong:
Okay yeah it’s true that Beast Wars did get your franchise back on top.
Although it’s a pity that Beast Machines became such an infamous flop.
So I suppose I should give Mr. Optimal Optimus here his due.
But if anyone piqued after the 90s then my bets are on you.
I don’t see why you’d scoff at the N64; it has the one game of yours that’s any decent.
Besides you’ve hardly been in anything recent.
So in other words my Hand Slaps can Super Smash this Gorilla poser down flat.
Though weren’t you originally supposed to be a Bat?
Also keep in mind folks Miyamoto does not hate RARE for altering my history.
After all he was why my Country series made its return on the Wii.
So I’m not sure why you’d compare the King with Ol’ Miyamoto.
For starters Shigeru was always with Nintendo.
Oh yes and I have plenty of game with the ladies while you have none.
I mean even G1 Prime had some fun with Elita One.
And as yours truly this tie-wearing Gorilla Dandy knows how to get Randy.
After all I would bust my Crystal Coconut for my sweet sexy gal Candy.

Optimus Primal:
Ugh your last choice of lyrics was a bit obscene.
But it does raise a question or two why on you would kidnap Pauline.
Oh yes and as for my lack of love life I’m too busy sending the Predacons Packing!
Though yeah, I admit the ladies were something that my show was a bit lacking.
Also I will say that Beast Machines was not that bad.
The Transformers fanbase overreact so much it’s kind of sad.
Besides I did appear in one of the Machinima TF series’ so I’m not too dismayed.
Though it’s a bit odd how I went from 2000’s Man at Arms to 2000’s Slade.
As for our Hit 90’s shows mine was easily far more compelling, thrilling & clever.
But at least Japan did treat your show a bit better.
And yes RARE did give you Kongs a lot more fame & glory.
But it got Miyamoto even less control on the Mario franchise’s story.
Nintendo did treat your Country Trilogy as the SNES’ Pride & Joy.
Miyamoto did a lot more’94 work on the Game Boy.
So sorry DK as for your raps you have no style, you have no grace.
And this Maximal shall put you in your place.

(Then suddenly a certain Big Bad Gorilla leaps into the stage.)

Gorilla Grodd:
I’m Gorilla Grodd and I’m here to give both of you fools a Super Smash.
For I am one of DC’s baddest baddies just ask the Flash.
So you alleged full grown DK Junior, I’ll show you that I’m the bigger & badder brute.
My raps & rhymes will smack you down like a Universal Lawsuit.
Oh I’m sure your role as Kong Island’s #1 Hero is rather fulfilling.
Which is a bit odd since your old precursor was Mario’s original Villain.
But I can see why the fans have given some headaches to Ol’ Miyamoto.
After all riddle me this, why is there multiple DKs but only one Mario?
But don’t get me wrong DK; I can see why Pauline would make you feel randy.
However do give my regards to your sweet gal Candy.
As for you Primal you better give the future ruler of Gorilla City his due.
Though, I liked you better when you were Man-At-Arms in He-Man 2K2.
But alas when Beast Machines made the fans to tell Hasbro to cram it.
Hasbro ended up dropping you Beastie Boys like a bad habit.
But DK is correct that Ol’ Optimus here is lacking in a love life.
After all Rhinox is the closest thing he has to a wife.
So in other words you’re a pathetic 90s relic who is lamer than DK’s pal Funky.
Or as the G1 fans use to say “TRUKK NOT MONKEY”.
Do you imbeciles still wish to take me on, well that is just fine.
After all I’m the biggest & baddest Gorilla since 1959!

Donkey Kong:
Ha sorry Grodd but you’ll be the one who gets a beating.
Hey wait, did Grodd get a longer verse than us, isn’t that cheating?
Ah well anyways Grodd, your raps & rhymes are not all that witty.
I can take you on in Gorilla, Star and even New Donk City!
And seriously you’re the 3rd battler? What was Grape Ape too busy?
I’ve heard that Bananas send you in a real tizzy.
Seriously, you hate Bananas? And you call yourself a Monkey.
And don’t you dare trash-talk my old homeboy Funky!
I’ve heard you like the human & gorilla ladies before this musical fray.
Though I’ve also heard they rarely give you the time of day.
And yeah Grodd when it comes to the Flash’s foes you do come out on top.
That is if you ignore the Rogues and especially his evil palette swaps.
Oh and before you bring up the old DK in the Super Smashing Musical Brawl.
That many argue that he was hardly ever a bad guy at all!
In fact if you all want you can check out Ol’ DK’s Arcade Origins on the Nintendo Switch.
Speaking of which, yo Cranky! Take it to the Fridge!

(Cranky does a brief epic Turntable solo.)

Optimus Primal:
So you wish to take us on Grodd that is hardly logical.
Because in battle I‘m always absolutely optimal.
Even in DC’s Gorilla City you were hardly ever a star.
Don’t believe me why don’t you go ask Solovar?
Trust me Grodd I’m still feeling pretty large.
And rest assured I liked you way better when you were a Depth Charge.
Sure you were one of the nastiest beasts in the Flash’s CW TV show.
Pity you became a minor lackey against the Legends of Tomorrow.
Many of us have many questions on WB’s recent media history.
I’m starting to see why Hasbro nowadays keeps their distance from DC.
Say what you will on Michael Bay but we still like the folks at Paramount.
To quote an old pawn of yours “take your shot, make it count”.
Trust me Grodd I doubt anyone would want to see your ugly old mug.
But I wonder if I should get Dinobot to make Barry Allen a nice new rug.
So go ahead Grodd and let’s begin this Beast War.
I’ll be knocking your furry punk bitch-ass down on the floor.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

SIMON BELMONT!

VS.!

HARRY MASON!

BEGIN!

Simon Belmont:
I am Simon of the House of Belmont; I’ve faced many a demon, monster and ghost.
And yet of all the Horror Heroes out there I’m facing this pathetic milquetoast?
When it comes to Video Game Vampire Hunters I’m quite the OG.
So be forewarned for you face the original hero of Castlevania history!
It’s obvious to see that I’m stronger, faster and even more dashing.
But can we make this quick, Solid Snake and I are up for some Ultimate Smashing.
I can easily out match you blow for blow.
I can whip you good far faster than you can say Devo.
I’m sure you can understand my 1st verse’s intent.
I’m the Man of Steel to your Clark Kent.
We both know who is more likely to give a demon army a good slaughter.
You look a little thirsty Harry want a glass of some Holy Water?
I’ve been slaying Dracula and the forces of Evil since the 1980s.
Also I have a better track record in saving the Ladies.
You claim to have taken on a Cult Leader and her monstrous deity.
Oh please I can take Silent Hill down rather easily.
As for having the tools to face down monsters I’m clearly the best.
When it comes to Modern Horror Heroes, you’re no Frank West.
I’m the superior slayer even you must realize that it’s true.
Then again even Dracula’s weakest monsters would make short work of you.

Harry Mason:
Well Ladies and Gentlemen it’s true that I don’t get a lot of respect.
Such as why am I facing this one-note Village People reject?
I can see why you’d bring up your longer history in this battle of rhymes.
You are but a relic of your franchise’s simpler times.
Namely how the plot of most of your games are as light as a feather.
Ah yes Dracula and his Monster Army gets slain by a guy with a whip in leather.
So it matters little to me that you are from the Belmont Clan.
For my Game Series is much more for the Thinking Man.
My series relies on Mind Games far more than bloody action.
That being said my raps & rhymes will leave you in traction.
The Silent Hill games are well known for being brilliant Psychological Thrillers.
Well known for many subtle scares and bone-chillers.
In other words go ahead and brag about how you have so much might.
Oh and you realize I can drink Holy Water just fine, right?
So go ahead and keep bragging about how Dracula is your ultimate baddy.
But I happen to be a Dad while you’re more like a Leather Daddy.
So yeah you have given Dracula and his monsters a good slaughter.
But I’ve gone through Hell and back to try to save my Daughter.
You’ve been relegated to remakes & cameos since ‘91’s Super Castlevania IV.
But by then the role of CV Hero has been a revolving door.

Simon Belmont:
So sorry Mr. Mason, but your initial verse has so little stock.
“Revolving Door of Heroes”, like you is one to talk.
You’re a PS1 debut but we both have some Nintendo History.
Namely some Cult Classic hits on the Wii.
Now I know your games rely on Mind Games more than battle.
But those Raw Shocks were always such a hassle.
Granted Nintendo has over the years admired my exploits & physique.
As I was one of the Captain N stars thanks to the folks at DiC.
In other words our fame & screen time is far from equal.
For starters at least I would stay alive in the sequel.
Yes you are a father there Mr. Mason but your Cheryl is not of your blood.
In fact your late wife found Cheryl in the grass and mud.
In other words don’t bother pulling any manhood ranks.
What’s the matter Dirty Harry, were you shooting blanks?
Now don’t get me wrong I know that adoption is far from a sin.
But perhaps you & your wife should’ve learned where that baby has been.
Also they say that those in Silent Hill face their inner demons & self damnation.
Shall I provide some more elaboration?
Alright in other words you’re probably not as lively as you think.
Now are you sure you want me to pour you a Holy Water drink?

Harry Mason:
Oh my Mr. Belmont that 2nd verse was oh-so wonderful.
For the record my wife was dying of illness you smug asshole.
Yes Jodie and I should’ve learned more about the baby near the oak & cedar.
But how were we supposed to know she was from a depraved cult leader?!
You love to talk about your longer history is that your only plan?
Considering that a lot of your “other” games have never left Japan.
Sure Castlevania 4, remake of your 1st game was often highly recommended.
But after Castlevania 2, Simon’s Quest has for the most part ended.
Though seriously what is up with you and you Belmont pricks?
Why do you all want to be Dracula’s Dominatrix?
And yes I know you had a lot of history with Nintendo even back then.
But seriously who the hell would want to brag about being in Captain N?
Also I did survive my debut just fine in SH 1’s canon ending so here is a tip.
Trust me I wouldn’t be too bothered by a Holy Water sip.
Oh and Castlevania Judgement has given your fanbase a lot of division.
While you’re new Light Yagami-esque looks got a lot of derision.
Quite frankly Simon, your rap & rhymes are mostly so full of shit.
But to be fair Shattered Memories was a renowned sleeper hit.
I got my specs on to show you that I’m the dopest of your Konami peers.
Perhaps after this you will be the one crying bloody tears.

Simon Belmont:
Oh Harry your rap & rhymes are just plain sad.
Take those glasses off they make you look like a Sitcom Dad.
I can still make your Silent Hill into a mere joke.
Perhaps I should be facing Jessica Fletcher from Murder She Wrote.
Also Judgement was for me quite a career saver.
I now have a voice as smooth & sharp as a Fire Emblem Saber.
Sure the recent games might be divisive, but I’m not second-rate.
In fact people rather liked my role in Mirror of Fate.
Yes I know many hated my Captain N self for being an obnoxious buffoon.
But one can “inspect” that I had my moments in that ol’ DiC toon.
So you can keep your convoluted plots and surrender in this musical fray
If anything else I’m clearly more heroic than you in every way.
You tried to save ladies like Lisa & Cheryl in Silent Hill.
But the only one you remotely saved was Cybil.
It is heroic to try to save your daughter that is true.
Pity it is something you have rarely yet to do.
Face it fool all the women you know die young and/or in absolute strife.
While in the Arcades I’ve managed to save my wife.
So thanks for the Shattered Memories there Mr. Perry er… Harry Mason.
Now I’ve got Vampires to slay so I have no time to be wastin’.

Harry Mason:
Hold it you buffed-Up bitch we’re not done here!
My last verse is going to pierce you like the Lecarde spear!
Oh yes Simon you’re quite the Role Model to the kids that is so true.
You’ve taught kids “Hey Boys can be Dominatrixes too!”
Your self-righteous claims of being more heroic do feel a bit sour.
Like how many kids & parents got upset with Issue #2 of Nintendo Power.
You boast how your history with your clan is the best.
But there was a reason why you had such bad publicity in your 2nd quest.
Alright I admit I’m not proud that the fate of many SH Ladies is often tragic.
But at least the screentime they get is not so sporadic.
My dear Heather is still quite the Heroic Lead of Silent Hill 3.
You know unlike Sonia Belmont of CastleVania Legends fame on the GB.
Yes IGA didn’t like how Trevor’s Mom, Sonia, took on Drac the Big Baddy.
As Konami got nervous that Alucard seems to be Sonia’s Baby-Daddy.
It’s also a little odd you bring up your wife Selena to give me shame.
Especially since she only appeared in one long-forgotten arcade game.
In other words both of our franchises can be seen as convoluted.
To say otherwise is just plain deluded.
So sorry Simple Simon I know exactly how to end this Rap Battle.
My Grey Homeboys can easily take down Ol’ Drac’s Castle.

(Then Harry puts on some shades as the UFOs come in and level Castlevania to the ground with their lasers leaving a shocked Simon Belmont in their wake.)

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

MARTH!

VS.!

ALM!

BEGIN!

Marth:
Greetings, you are up against Prince Marth the original Fire Emblem Lord.
I’ve taken on many a Dragon Horde, with my Falchion Sword.
I may be no J.R.R but I’m the Lord of this Ring.
For as far as Nintendo is concerned, I’m the one true king!
I easily have way more Star Power than you in every way.
Heck I’m the only FE Star to star in an Anime OVA.
Compared to you I’m quite the Heavy Hitter.
But now I’m starting to feel like your babysitter.
Many found your Famicom Debut to be 2nd-Rate make no mistake.
And you seem to be the Raiden to my Solid Snake.
So you also got to wield a Falchion at the end of your game.
Seriously those Rigel Rubes couldn’t come up with a different name?
Anyways the 3DS did recently help you make a splash.
Too bad you have yet to make a Super Smash.
Sorry but you’re going to get Super Smashed in this Musical Melee there son.
When it comes to being a Fire Emblem Lord, I’m second to none.
So face it kid my fame and prominence is obviously greater.
But can we make this quick please; I got a date with my beloved Caeda later.
Do you have the coconuts to face me there Almond Boy?
For you are up against Intelligent System’s original Pride and Joy.

Alm:
Yeah you’re the original FE Lord, as if that means a thing.
For you are coming up against Alm, Valentia’s First Saint King!
True you’re the first Lord in Fire Emblem history, but you’re as Vanilla as can be.
Even this Rap Battle is giving you more of a Personality.
Oh yes Marth you are the sole FE Anime Star gee how can I compete?
With an old OVA that was hardly complete.
True for some reason you’re the only Lord to get an Anime throughout the ages.
Good thing the rest of us did just fine in the Manga pages.
Also if anything I’m more of the Chuck Greene to your Frank West.
Sure you were here first but many liked my game best.
Perhaps I should apologize to Frank West later.
Anyways let’s see whose Falchion is longer & greater.
True my Gaiden Game Debut was divisive that much is true.
But I can still slice you down like a Ryu.
When it comes to debut games you shouldn’t be so brash.
The original Shadow Dragon is seen as poorly aged barely playable trash.
What’s your hurry, Yuri? As I face this Generic Anime Hero in this fray.
But back in the day, you were played by Mr. “I mustn’t run away! I mustn’t run away!”
Anyways this Iron-Blooded Orphan is going to take you down.
You know what they say, so heavy is the head who wears the crown.

Marth:
So you claim that I’m such a Vanilla Protagonist is that your intent?
That’s funny, for years hardly anyone thought you were any different.
Also both of my games got remakes on the DS.
In which both games were a nice modest success.
Even outside of remakes I have starred in more than one game.
Which you have yet to do kid, oh it’s such a shame.
True many of my games are Japan-only but in the US I’ve paved the way.
Thanks to my role in Super Smash Bros. Melee.
Anyways I’ve been through many a battle with my beloved Caeda by my side.
Oh yes there is a reason why she became my bride.
Celica was doing just fine without you most of the time with some finesse.
Until near the end she had to be your Damsel in Distress, but I digress.
True Celica became a fine Fire Emblem Warrior that much is true.
Strange how I got to meet Celica in that game, but I never saw you.
You were highly heralded as a hero thanks to the Deliverance.
A pity those fools were well known for their incompetence.
Your taste in allies is something I would like to critique.
Such as why were you hanging out with Camus A.K.A Zeke?
So you think you can match up to my legacy boy? Oh that would be obscene.
You haven’t been relevant until 2017.

Alm:
Okay first of all why do you keep treating me like a child, man?
Weren’t you even younger than me when your journey began?
So bring it on you blue-haired bastard!
I’m well known for taking down a dastard.
I can still match you blow for blows.
After all on Smartphones we are both Fire Emblem Heroes.
True many Americans know you’re the 1st Lord of Fire Emblem history.
Yet many of them prefer guys like Ike, Chrom & even me.
But you call the Deliverance incompetent, now that’s just crazy.
What, jealous that Clive easily has the far sexier lady?
Eh not that I would be with anyone other than Celica of course.
But there was how Caeda got a lot of guys to join your work force.
Oh sure some might say she was a Heroine who is a bit guile.
But Feminine Wiles seems to be her favorite recruiting style.
In fact there is no telling how many guys Caeda probably got to fuck.
You’re the original FE Lord, more like the original Fire Emblem Cuck!
Sorry Marth but your “beloved wife” is probably kind of a whore.
So shall I slash you down some more?
Alright when it comes to remakes I’m a far bigger success.
Thanks to Fire Emblem Echoes; Shadows of Valentia on the 3DS.

Marth:
To quote myself in Shadow Dragon “I’m a Prince before I am a son or brother”.
Now I’m going to out-rap and out-slash you like no other.
Alright you little misogynist slut-shaming prick, I’m still of higher ranking.
Let me guess your old “Faux”pa Mycen never gave you a spanking?
Cease those vile rumors as Caeda is my beloved bride.
At least I almost always had my beloved lady by my side.
You claim that Celica is your one true love but is that so smart?
Since you two spent nearly 90% of your game apart.
True Celica is your designated love interest that much is true.
But she had more chemistry with Saber & Atlas than you.
Still it’s strange how you insist on making Celica your bride.
Yet you have a very willing Faye always by your side.
There have been rumors that Faye & Claire have made you a Blonde Sandwich.
What do you say to that you little punk bitch?
We were forced to led just so we can use Falchion to save the land.
But my father died in battle, while yours abandoned you for a convoluted plan.
Rudolph’s plan was so horrid that I don’t think even you would dispute.
Your Lord status is the only reason why you didn’t end up like Berkut.
So yes Alm your remake game was a slightly expanded one-time success.
Too bad many still find it to be an underwritten & kind of sexist mess.

Alm:
Alright that’s it this dastard is about to go down!
Are we in my old home in Ram? Then I’m taking you down town!
You think you’re more of a man than me? Oh like that is going to hurt.
That is some big talk from a guy who used to be running around in a skirt.
Also you think your cracks about Celica are going to harm me?
At least Celica didn’t have to flirt her way in getting half our army.
So you deny Caeda’s THOT status, well that’s great.
Remember that little chat you had with Roger back in SD Chapter 8?
Don’t get me wrong I get it Caeda put all the other guys in the friend zone.
Still is it something that you should condone?
But to be fair there are some ladies who pine for you of course.
Like we all know Catria wanted you to mount her like a horse.
Okay I admit I have some regrets about Faye but give me a break!
Celica was the only girl for me until my game got a 3DS remake.
Yeah some say my remake didn’t change things enough, that much is true.
Yet many have said the same things about you.
I can’t help it that my 3DS remake has put me in a Love Triangle.
But you have your fair share of those from the start so what’s your angle?
So Marth if letting unrequited love bloom in the battlefield is such a sin.
Then perhaps you should have another chat with Nyna & Hardin.

WHO WON?!

WHO'S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

SPIDER-MAN!

VS.!

BUMBLEBEE!

(Spidey)
Hey folks time to give everyone’s favorite web-head his due.
As I’ve been the web-slinging king since 1962.
Whether you know me as Spectacular, Sensational or Amazing…
Remember it don’t mean a thing if you ain’t got that swing.
Am I strong? Heh heh listen bud.
I got radioactive blood!
After all I’m one of the Merriest Marchers in the Marvel Society.
Ever since I made my debut in my first Amazing Fantasy…
We all know that New York is my Humble Abode.
As I’ve weakened J.J.J, many Super-Villains and the Comics Code.
Looks like I’m in company of someone rather electric…
As I take on this fairly known Reagan-Era Relic!
Okay Bee yeah we may’ve been homies in the comics back in your G1.
But I can easily show you how this webhead is second to none.
Okay Bee I can see why your new movie is making you feel bright & clever.
How does it feel to have a Critical Hit Movie for the 1st time ever?
I guess it’s not too surprising since you bots finally got away from Michael Bay.
Also stepping away from his cheap gags & gratuitously tame T&A…
So here is some web in your eye you yellow-bellied tin can.
Look out! Here comes your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man!

(Bumblebee)
Walloping Websnappers! You got quite the legacy there little guy.
But I can still prove that I’m more than meets the eye.
Find it hard to believe that you and I can stand as equals?
After all Spiders do have a hard time against bees and beetles.
True even back in my day you had fame & credit galore.
But my Autobot friends and I have been transforming since ’84.
I did sound like a rather Amazing Friend in my original show.
In which you of all people should know.
So yeah maybe I was an 80’s Action Herbie.
While in your debut you were sounding a little like Hermie.
Don’t get me wrong web-head our time in the 80s was pretty fun.
But did you really need two animated shows back in 81?
Things like your Spider Sense and Web Shooters do seem to be nice perks.
That is well you know when those things actually work.
So Spider-Archie you’re against showing a bunch of sexy busty young women.
All I’m going to say is… *heh heh* Since when?
What am I talking about you ask? Do I really need to explain?
Namely what about ladies like Firestar, Black Cat and Mary Jane?
Don’t get me wrong I understand that #MeToo is a sensitive topic.
But don’t you think your being a tad bit myopic?

(Spidey)
Okay, okay so I’m not exactly what you call a prude.
But I’m not exactly like Tony Stark there dude.
Yes ladies like MJ and Black Cat are well known for their oh-so ample breasts.
But my first ladies like Liz and Gwen were a tad bit more modest.
And yeah ever since my debut my success & fame has been absolutely great.
Even back in the 60s I got Alley Awards for 7 years straight.
While Hasbro has wised up and let someone else direct the Autobots & Decepticons.
The MCU & Hasbro’s toyline will be going over a decade strong.
In fact come to think of it Hasbro owes a lot to Marvel.
Ever since TOEi made me a *ahem* “Emissary from Hell”…
Okay rewriting me to star in a Toku series is strange, don’t get me wrong.
But if it wasn’t for that we probably wouldn’t even have Cybertron.
When it comes to Video Games you guys have only recently got some traction.
While Capcom has given us Marvel Men and even the Joes some action.
I’ve been through my share of Shattered Dimensions so much it’s a curse.
But I have been hitting it big thanks to the Spider-Verse.
Don’t get me wrong I’d say that Dan Gilvezan is a fine VA, it’s true.
But Ol’ Miguel was baffled over why he once sounded like you.
I’m ready to rumble you Auto-C Lister so you better run & hide.
Otherwise I’ll be cracking your shell then cracking the nuts inside!

(Bumblebee)
Wow Spidey so you just paraphrased a well-known Decepticon.
Okay now I’m starting to wonder if Ol’ JJ was really that wrong.
Now don’t get me wrong I’m sure your new animated film is sure to amaze.
But seriously who doesn’t have a Multiverse nowadays?
And yeah the Bay Transformers flicks were divisive that much is true.
You know like almost every movie you starred in after Spider-Man 2.
Say what you will about the Bay TF flicks to be so overblown & crass.
But quite frankly they have me at my most badass.
True Hasbro & Marvel’s relationship in the 80s was really swell.
Which makes me wonder why the “Secret Wars” toyline went to Mattel?
It’s nice that you got to be in the MCU but that doesn’t always mean a win.
Don’t believe me? Ask the Inumans, Ancient One and the Mandarin.
Besides a lot of folks think that it’s a load of Baloney
That you got to be in the MCU, but not Venom thanks to Sony.
Besides at least we didn’t get sold out to Disney.
Hope I’m not tempting fate, considering some recent history.
Since the 90s, Movie Rights Money is what Marvel is craving.
If anything it’s you Merry Marvel Men who needed saving.
Besides not everything about the MCU’s history was Spectacular.
As many of Greg Weisman’s fans can easily concur.

(Spidey)
Yeah Marvel & Sony are still working things out but I’m not sore.
After all I got a cool animated flick and a hit game on the PS4.
Of course it’s not the only Game I’ll be in just so you know.
After all Marvel did get a rather “Ultimate” deal with Nintendo.
I also got one little question in this musical bout.
To be honest anyone else thinking that Disney is being singled out?
Sure there have been a lot corporate buyouts going on in Disney.
But back in the 90s & 2000s many said the same about the WB.
Besides wasn’t that how Hasbro got a Galaxy Far, Far Away?
At least none of these guys are as bad about it as EA.
It’s a shame that the Hub’s short life made Hasbro so distraught.
That they have to crawl back to CN just to get an early AM time slot.
Perhaps Disney would rely too much on Digital Cable.
But Cartoon Network is still not exactly stable.
I may’ve had many years of strife, but I’ve had many ladies in my life.
But for years Spike Witwicky was the closest thing you have to a wife.
Over the years I’ve owed my legacy & fame to a few old men.
Like the Late Great Stan Lee, Steve Ditko & of course Uncle Ben.
True in the 80s there was a great surge of Animated Action Heroes.
Too bad it mostly led to glorified Toy Commercial shows.

(Bumblebee)
Really, you’re against Commercialization Ol’ King of Web Swing?
How many decades have you done lots of merchandising?
Also I know a thing or two about animated flicks.
Especially in my cult classic cinematic debut back in ’86.
And are you trash talking my old Homie Spike, is that your next plan?
At least he is far more likely to be a Family Man.
For years fans wonder if Mary Jane or Black Cat should be your lover.
Nowadays some wonder if they are better off with each-other.
And yes Peter we’ve all heard of the Tragic Tale of Uncle Ben.
“With Great Power comes Great Responsibility” how many times we’ve heard that again?
Still think you could’ve prevented Uncle Ben’s death? Let me drop in some truth.
That Spider made you strong but it didn’t make you Bullet-Proof.
Your 1st attempt in joining the Fantastic Four wasn’t amazing there slick.
You know you can learn a lot about science & profits from Mr. Fantastic.
Alright you Clone War Vet I’ll just give you “One More Day”.
To “turn off the dark”, as I end this little musical fray.
Sorry web-head but your greatest foe will always be your Status Quo.
Yes we all loved Stan Lee but I’m surprised you remembered Steve Ditko.
Oh & yes I did bring up Stan… I mean Uncle Ben’s old line in this musical brawl.
But quite frankly many of us wonder if you’re responsible at all.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

ARIEL THE LITTLE MERMAID!

VS.!

MERA THE QUEEN OF ATLANTIS!

BEGIN!

Ariel:
Name’s Ariel, the Little Mermaid, and the greatest Heroine of all Disney history.
My flick is winning Hearts and the Academy with “Under the Sea”.
Of course there is “Kiss the Girl” & my song “Part of your World” was so divine.
I’ve been Disney’s most Darling Diva since ’89.
Anyways my fame in Disney is now going 3 decades long.
I’ve been getting all sorts of fans like Mrs. Tara Strong.
My movie has been loved all around the world over throughout the ages.
While your hardly known even in the Comic Book pages.
I doubt that you’ll give me all that much strife.
After all how often is your role more than “Aquaman’s Wife”?
Oh you want to talk up your kingly husband? That I wouldn’t recommend.
He has been the biggest Joke of the Sea since he became a Superfriend.
My man Eric can easily take on Aquaman why it would be a cinch.
After all Eric was the one who took out Ursula the Sea Witch.
My Movie has songs & wonders aplenty, as it won the Oscar for Best Score.
You want Awards & Noms? I’ve got 20. But who cares, no big deal, I got more.
After all I was the founder of the Disney Renaissance.
Can you seriously give a counter response?
So Miss Mera is beating me in this Rap Battle your goal?
Then you truly are a poor unfortunate soul.

Mera:
Oh I can discredit your first verse easily you impulsive brat.
As both Arthur and I can take down Ursula in no time flat.
Yes Ariel a lot of people thought your movie was quite wonderful.
The movie is about a young girl who is rather gullible, thanks to a sea gull.
So you think Eric take on my Arthur is that your best plan?
Oh yes send a normal human against the Aquatic Super Man.
Then again at least Aqua Man wouldn’t job to glowing green rocks.
Anyways as for you Miss “Gamble your Voice Box”.
You nearly doomed your kingdom to be under Ursula’s subjection.
And it was because your old racist Daddy smashed your hoard of a collection.
While yes Eric is not the only human you would cherish.
But your selfish whims almost made your kingdom perish.
OK so your Disney history does have some merit.
But perhaps we should give Hans Christian Anderson some credit.
So yeah your’89 flick did give Disney a really good spark.
Your movie was beloved everywhere, except Han’s homeland Denmark.
But I can see why your Disney fame has made you feel pretty great.
With your Seashell Bra you are Disney’s favorite Jail-Bait.
So sorry Miss “Sea”-Cup Sea-Shells, but you’re a bit overrated.
As your Hanna-Barbera jokes on my Hubby are a bit outdated.

Ariel:
Really Mera you think that verse was a real showstopper?
I can get better raps & rhymes from my dinglehopper!
Yeah a lot of people found me attractive, is that so wrong?
After all I was one of Disney’s first attempts at a Feminist Icon.
Besides are your complaints regarding my looks really just,
coming from a woman who clearly has the larger bust.
But don’t get me wrong I won’t throw a fit.
That you are built like Jessica Rabbit, except a bit more proportionate…
So no, my “Seashell Bra” look doesn’t give me any shame.
After all compared to you Marvel & DC Red-heads, I’m practically tame.
Also my man Eric is capable of some heroic might.
At least he doesn’t run around in shiny silly orange & green tights.
Oh does that little lyric make you want to scoff?
Keep in mind that at least none of Eric’s hands were ever chopped off.
I’ve tried to tell people like my Dad that Humans are not so rotten.
That is one thing that your Hubby and I have in common.
And yes I was originally a famous Old Danish story that we all know.
Besides I gave Hans a Special Guest spot in my ’92 show.
So maybe I do give Disney too much credit for my history.
But it is proof that I do have an even longer legacy.

Mera:
You, a Feminist Icon, oh please…
I can discredit that with the greatest of ease.
You’re a teenage girl, who’s got a lot of hormones,
after you’ve saved a pretty-boy prince from Ol’ Davy Jones.
Yes you were curious about Humans before Eric made you wetter.
But that doesn’t necessarily make your story any better.
As Ursula did exploit your state of mind,
to make you want to leave your home behind.
Don’t get me wrong your desire to learn is not bad.
But your constant irresponsibility makes your friends & family mad.
So go ahead and blame your problems on Ursula the Sea Witch.
Who, in more ways than one, almost made you her bitch.
I can easily handle that fusion of Tammy Baker & Devine.
Don’t believe me? Well that is just fine.
I’m as strong as my husband and I’m clearly the better fighter here.
Step aside little girl while a real lady shows you what to do with a spear.
We Atlanteans may quarrel with others a lot I admit it’s true.
But your sisters let alone the Amazons would put up more of a fight than you.
So do you think you could beat me oh that would be obscene.
After all you maybe a Princess but I’m the Queen!

Ariel:
Alright stop treating me like some impulsive brat!
Just for that, I’ll smash your self-righteous tone down flat!
Not only do Eric and I truly love one another.
But you’re not the only one who became a bride and a mother.
Oh sure Aquaman is doing better than most DC movies that are recent.
But compared to Wonder Woman your flick is just… decent.
Speaking of which, Atlanteans & Amazons have been getting a bit mad.
Often it’s because Aquaman was doing something bad.
Maybe you & Diana should follow Sebastian and “Kiss the Girl”.
I’m sure Wonder Woman would love to dive for your pearl.
While nowadays Diana may rather have you in her bed,
unless this is Flashpoint, where you’d really lose your head.
Anyways I’m a Disney Star so you are far from my equal.
I even got people to want to try a Disney DTV sequel.
You talk about being true to your homeland in this musical brawl.
Your Hubby is a Halfling but you’re not even Atlantean at all.
I feel bad for Aquaman, his brother is a well-known villain.
And his wife was originally going to be his assassin.
Face it you nagging old sea hag, I’m one of the best heroines in Disney history.
While you, are nothing more than a D-Cup D-Lister from DC.

Mera:
Well… I must say your grasp of my dark history is… decent.
Although Ariel, your examples are mostly recent.
What’s the matter little girl, jealous that I’m the far more womanly lady?
I maybe no “Ash”ley but Hail to the Queen Baby!
I don’t know why you bring up the Amazons so much in your battle rapping.
You’re no Starfire but I’m sure Wonder Girl would give you a good tapping.
Here is some advice from one Redhead Sea Heroine to another.
Honesty is a very necessary part of being a mother.
But I can see why you’re so fixated on your Disney Glory.
Considering what happened to you in your original story.
You think you’re the better mother? Oh that wouldn’t be so smart.
At least my son knows who he is right from the start.
Are you truly an Action Heroine? That is not so evident.
Tell me sweetie, how often have you even touched a trident?
True you do have a xenophobic stubborn old fool of a father.
But to be fair you’re not exactly the best daughter.
Though despite how you and your father would often throw a fit.
We all know that your King Triton’s favorite.
In fact this last lyric might seem to be a bit vicious.
But your resemblance to your late mother is rather suspicious.

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Chapter Text

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

RANGIKU MATSUMOTO!

VS.!

MAI VALENTINE!

BEGIN!

(Matsumoto)
The Name is Rangiku Matsumoto, and I’m Bleach’s #1 Busty Beauty dame.
Not many who’ve watched my show would ever doubt that claim.
But I’m much more than a gloriously huge rack so there is no need for derision.
After all I’m the Lieutenant of Soul Society’s 10th Division.
My show was one of the “Shounen Jump Big 3” so yeah I’m not feeling any gloom.
While your show Yu-Gi-Oh was just a product of the 2000s TCG Boom.
Are you going to challenge me to a Children’s Card Game? I’ll pass, just so you’ll know.
Though those Harpies might make a decent snack for my kitty gal-pal Haineko.
Let’s just say my attacks are not the only things that’ll leave you in the dust.
I’m bigger & better than you in things like role, fight records and bust.
Now I’m starting to wonder why I am facing you in this musical fray.
Oh that’s right we both have Meghan Hollingshead for a dub VA.
Don’t get me wrong when it comes to English dubs I’m no snob.
I got a fine dub from Viz but you starred in one of 4Kids most infamous hackjobs.
Thanks to LittleKuriboh your true legacy is well archived.
Namely… *ahem*

[Here is a Clip from “Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series”]

Tristan Taylor: Look Yugi, breasts have arrived.

(Mai)
So this Bleach Blanket Bimbo is my opponent in this Battle of the Bulge…ing Breast.
I’m no Kunoichi but as for Lady Duelists I am Japan’s best.
Yes Rangiku you do indeed have quite the well-endowed physique.
But when it comes to ladies in Bleach that trait is hardly unique.
You brag on how you’d chug down a lot of Sake in no time flat.
Any idiot can tell what could go horribly wrong with that.
Sure back in the day many anime fans hated 4Kids with all their might.
But many a millennial finds my show to be a nostalgic delight.
So bring on your Yoruichi-Wannabe with the Fluffy Pink Tushie.
As we all know you would like to have some pussy.
Oh I know that many fans like to think your Hitsugaya’s lover.
Even though, you clearly look old enough to be his mother.
C’mon bring it on Lt. Babysitter!
What are you going to do hit me with a bunch of Kitty Litter?
Do you really think you can take me on in this musical fray?
After all, this battle is on Valentine’s Day.

(Matsumoto)
Oh really? Nice try there Ms. Lover of Harpy Taint.
But any idiot can tell that you are far from a Saint.
Also, if Holiday theme-setting was your true intent,
Then shouldn’t you be battling Faye or Vincent?
Don’t look at me like that I’m sure even you know it’s true.
Besides isn’t your actual last name Kujaku?
Yes your show’s dub has “nostalgic” appeal so does mine from Viz.
Who, unlike 4Kids, is still very much in the Biz.
You’re the best Lady Duelist; your credibility is looking a little slim.
How many times where you Yu-Gi-Oh’s Designated Victim?
Are you sure you should be using Hitsugaya as your attack ploy.
Coming from the lady whose main Love Interest is a High School boy.
Also you have a “Foe Yay” vibe going on with Anzu uh Tea, Yugi’s Gal Pal.
Trust me I’m not the only one who is seen as a potential Yuri gal.
Speaking of Sake, all I have to do to beat you is give your cards a good soak?
Heh heh there is a reason why Yu-Gi-Oh! is now Shounen Jump’s biggest joke.

(Mai)
Aw whats the matter, jealous Bleach never had a truly famous abridged show?
Besides if anyone is the Shounen Jump Joke its Tite Kubo.
After all Bleach has been a mess since you guys dealt with the Arrancar.
Besides we Card-playing Duelists are the earlier Shounen Jump Stars.
Yes I had a little rivalry with Tea, but you & Orihime were so “Womantic” like no other.
Some wonder if Orihime should ditch Ichigo and have you for a lover.
C’mon now Ms. “Naked Hug” don’t blow your lid.
For the longest time you went further with her than Ichigo ever did.
Say what you will on how 4Kids slow & painful erosion.
But Viz was a bit better back when they were in Vancouver’s “Ocean”.
Don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with using California for over ½ a score.
But a lot of their best VA’s hardly do any Anime anymore.
Okay I may’ve trailed off a bit anyways yeah I’ve had my setbacks.
Keep in mind that my harpy ladies can do their share of attacks.
Besides Rangiku it’s not like you always win at a bout.
Such as “Soul Reapers vs. Reaper Chimera” we all know how that turned out.

(Matsumoto)
Oh my, Mai, how classy of you to bring up the Ayon in your last verse.
But that’s okay I’m sure you’ve often went through worse.
As for my little Captain I suppose I can be the other kind of “Smother”.
But to be fair he does have little Momo for a possible lover.
And yes I am quite fond of Orihime as she is so sweet & gleeful.
When it comes to looks & cooking skills she is nearly my equal.
Okay maybe I once did show Orihime a lot of skin.
But keep in mind folks at that night Hime was still a virgin!
Yeah I’ve had my moments with Hitsugaya & Hime that is true.
But if anyone is the Mary Kay Leterneau here my money is on you.
Before you imply anything else that is rather obscene.
Do keep in mind that I have my history with Gin.
Since Duelist Kingdom, Joey has tried to win your heart in style.
Yet your show dances around the issue “is Mai an Ephebophile”?
Face it you Duelists are a Throwback Footnote as far as Konami is concerned.
Then again there is no telling how many bridges those guys have burned.

(Mai)
Oh Ran we are both built like Dolly Parton but I’m much more of a gem.
But I hope you go like Kenny Rogers and know when to fold them.
I admit Joey is more of the gambler but here are a few tips.
For starters fell fortunate I didn’t bet any Star Chips.
Besides Yu-Gi-Oh! got a 2016 comeback, so don’t you dare talk smack.
After all we managed to get Dan Green & Eric Stuart back.
You think my franchise legacy makes me easy to be defeated?
Don’t know why at least my anime series was actually completed.
And yes you do have a rather underwritten history with Gin.
*tch* Speaking of things that are rather obscene.
Sorry that the truth on Mr. Proto-Hazama fills you with dread.
But by the time he grew a conscience he wound up dead.
So sorry there Ms. No-Bra,
But you have the most mismanaged Shounen Show since Inuyasha.
Oh yes and while Ichigo did marry Orihime one day, that is true.
But some of us still wonder if Miss Hime lost her virginity to you.

WHO WON?!

WHO'S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!