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i have to speak at church tomorrow on jesus and how family is important

Summary:

the vigilante gang must defeat dinkald Tringus when he takes over the grinch's lair in whoville and threatens to destroy the gang's turnip farm with his semen canon. caecilius and mayor dewey have a nice ya oi time together

Notes:

i didnt press backspce ince

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter Text

"dongo trunt pls stop enslaving whoville" alex beggd

"no, ur only redeeming quality is your asshole" trump retorted matter-of-fafctly. suddenly, a chocolate tower of masculine power smashed through the cave ceiling swinging his blue light saber all over the place and caecilius and mayor dewey came n through the front (bc they arent godless heathens). "you cannot foil my plans!" trump screemed at the tippity top of his lungs. "my semen canon is already at full power! it's power will destroy your turnip fields, i swear!!!" trump screemed again.

"its too late, buddy o pal!" finn said as he threw his light saber. trumo grabbed it and threw it right at caecilius's head. "noooooooooo babe- i mean palll!!!" mayoer dewey howled. to his surprise, caecilius remained still as the lightsaber went right through him. "thid is an lillusion , my true form est in horto" he said, calmly.

finn ran and tackles trumo to the ground. trump rolled on top of him and started beating his pretty face with his big meaty claws. out of nowhere, the grinch emerged and cut trump's head straight off eiyth a magiic axe. "give me cave back" he screemed, continuing to hit his corpse.

fin lookedup, aasrounded. "wow thank u for saving my face" he thanked the grinch. "thankie for giving me cave back. trumo is dead so now the whovians no longer need to jack off to power his semen canon. they are frree of his opprssive slavery bad." saud the grinch.

"farewell to all of you and may great miche;;e bless your soul" he said as they left, poe carrying ale turner in his masculon man arms.

 

they all went back to their michelle temple and began to pray for a plentigul turnip harvest. when they went back to their secret base hiouse, caeclilius and dewey went to the horto together. "mr mayor, u look so beatiful in all those turnips. i-id like to turnip with you" caecilius offered.  mayor dewey blushed "if you can erect me , you can elect me" he said, pointing at his boner. caecilius went straight to the point and gagged him with a turnip then smashed a turnip and used the juices as lubricant for anal activities.\

 

meanwhile finn went 2 go check on akex and see if he was awake after undergoing a horrible fanfic cliche. "alex?" he whispered unti yhre door before opening it and stickin his big ole nose into it and lookin to see if he was eggs and bakey really wakey. "r u that guy th at  sved me life?" alex adked. "ye booi das me" 

"i will use ur fuckin hair gel as lube as long as it means i can put my dong inside of u" finn said, unexpecredly. alex's alreadt too wide eyes widened even more, before saying, "okie dokie" and jumpin right on thqaat diccc.

michelle obama bursted throu the door like finn did in the grinch cave and she started waving the america flag from a 2008 butterscotch pony's back "STOP THE YAOI RIGHT NOW< YOU CRAZY KIDDOS"she yelled, commanding butterscotch to physically separate the nasty boys. "who HERE USED TURNIPS AS LUBE?/??//??" finn pointed to the garden. 

"they did that" he said. butterscotch turned to the garden and picked up mayor dewey, throwing him into the sack on her back. he picked up caecilius too and started runnning before caecilius teleported back to the garden. michelle wa si=enraged by the witchery. "i am enraged by this witchery. what iz fge meaning fo this"

finn shrugged "caecilius est in horto"

Chapter 2: sad

Summary:

they r sad 4 their lost friend

Notes:

i wrote this in tech so I triple dog dare u to tell me one better thing I could have been doing

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

"I've prayed to Michelle every night to return my sweet prince," caecilius said, crying into finn's buff man shoulder. the chocolate tower of masculine power embraced caecilius "amica caecilius" he soothed.

"this is wot u get for using turnips as lube, u nasty boy" alex sneered

"shut ur mouth, hair gel twink" Finn barked

before ale could get anger a pretty lady appeared within the vast expanse of turnips

"eheu! her bobbies!" caecilius yelled

"hello i am candela and i am here 2 save ur friend" candela said

"it is too late.… he is with Michelle now" caecilius sobed. 

"fear not, garden man" candela roared "I can rescue him" 

candela jumped onto moltres's back and flew into the sky.

 

 

later that night when it was storming the gang looked into the sky to see moltres and harambe fighting. their great screeches made big noise. "my Michelle, the big bird is victorious" caecilius said. 

Butterscotch fell from the sky and landed in the turnip field with a big ole thud. "DICKS OUT, EVERYONE" 

finn, alex, and caecilius whipped out their bananas and waved them in butterscotch's direction. Butterscotch was dead again. oh no. sad. 

candela returned, the big bird landing on their humble home. moltres dropped mayor dewey's dead body in front of them. the whole gang burst into tears, besides alex who actually didn't care. 

"although ur friend is dead we should still feast in honor of Michelle's death" candela anounced.

they all sat around a nice mahogany table. Alex was in the kitchen making dinner like the good housewife he was. caecilius sighed wistfully. “oh, how I miss grumio. he was the coquus in my villa…"

alex returned the table with a large dish in one of those cool silver things. he placed it in the middle between their candles and pulled off the top, revealing the dish. In front of the four acquaintances rested four Lunchables™ on a silver platter.

"wow babe your cooking is amazing" Finn smiled.

"the apron says 'kiss the cook'" alex pointed out and kissed Finn. 

"aww you guys are so cute together, I've always been a bit of a yaoi fangirl xD" candela commented. caecilius turned to her with a scowl. "exeunt this villa immediately or I will beat your ass right into Pompeii" 

candela groand "I AM NOT A HOMOPHONE I THINK THEY ARE CUTE THAT DOES NOT MEAN A BAD!!!!" she yelled

caecilius beat her ass into Pompeii with no hesitation. "she is gone" he said correctly. 

"wow I thought she was so generous... OH NO!!!" fin yelled

"BBY what is it,?" alex asked, caringly. 

"we have no goddess to pray to to ensure plentiful turnip harvest…" Finn said

“babe… do not worry we can pray to hermione…”

"my sweet gel prince… Neville Longbottom is the plant God," finn sighed

"no… someone will call us out if we have no female characters" alex pointed out. 

"fuck, you're right… we shall quest! 

caecilius put a hand on finn's chest, stopping him.

"no… I will sacrifice myself for metella…"

“CAECILIUS NO!! METELLA DOES NOTHING BUT SIT AND PLEASURE THE COOK!!!" alex screemed. 

"I am going to the temple, try and stop me, furcifer" caecilius stood up and started running to the garden with a sacrificial knife. 

"FOR METELLA AND DEWEY!!!!!" he yelled before stabbing himself nicely.

"nooooooOOOO" the others yelled.

the sky made another big ole noise but it was just lightning bc metella died in Cambridge Latin course stage 12 Ad Urbem. 

they were now sad.

Notes:

I used autocorrect this time :)

Chapter 3: journey

Summary:

alex and Finn continue their quest for a turnip godess

Notes:

I wrote this in Latin class don't worry about my grades I cheat on every assignment anyways

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

"Finn I want some water, mate," alex groaned.
"u can succ this dick instead"
"…babe no"
Finn let out a long cry of despair
"we haven't done the fuckie since caecilius died, babe"
"Finn, u know I was the victim of an awful fanfic cliche claimed to be used by writers to add greater internal conflict when in reality it's an internalized kink that authors don't want their readers knowing about so they project it into their writing discreetly, babe"
"yeah and it's an excuse for u to have PTSD so ur not a dirty neurotypical" Finn pointed out

the two continued their treacherous journey through the great mountains. night began to fall when they were just trying to have a nice walking time.
"look, a cave" fin gasped, pointing at a big ole cave.
"let's spend the night there and snuggle" alex suggested.
"babe u kno ur hair gel makes me itchy…"
"it's a necessary fuckin evil, bby"
Finn pulled alex towards the cave with his big meaty man hands and used his light saber to start a fire just outside. the two looked up to find letter scrawled across the top of the cave that said "BEVWOPFTEHAWCOFLAMETTNASWG"
"that's a big word..." Finn said
"oh, it means ‘Big Evil Villains With Obnoxiously Pale Features That Everyone Had A Weird Crush On For Like A Month Even Though Their Names Are Super Weird Gang'"
Finn looked at his sweet bf in shock.
"how did u kno that?!???"
"babe my longest song title is longer than the longest fall out boy song title, I think I got this"
the pair walked inside to find two people suffering.
Finn pointed his light saber at them "who r u dudes??!??!" he asked. alex hid behind his bf in fear
the smaller of the two coughed
"I am Draco Malfoy, that's Leonard Snart…" he introduced
"they weren't kidding about the weird names, babe…" Finn whispered
"we once had many numbers but now the turnip famine has hit… we are dying..." Snart wheezed.
"what have you guys been doing?" alex asked, stepping out from behind the chocolate tower of masculine power.
"we just ate our last turnip, so we've just been masturbating and starving"
Finn gasped "have a turnip!!!!" he held out th succulent vegetable to them. both of them groaned and rolled over to take a bite out of the turnip in finn's hand. they immediately perked up and jumped into action "where is the turnip godess?" Snart asked, pointing his freeze ray (call it a cold gun all u want that is the stupidest name no it is a freeze ray it is a ray that freezes things) at the couple.
"we are on a quest for one! join us!" Finn offered. alex looked highkey unsure.
"babe I'm highkey unsure" he said
"I am right here, you filthy muggle, I can hear you" Draco spat
"you're a rude boy!" alex hissed
"u wanna fuckin fight?????!!??!?"
Draco jumped on his body and alex screeched like a banshee bc of his cliche trauma being triggered.
Finn pointed his light saber (the fight one not the sex one) at draco's face, coaxing him off of his bf. "ur both gonna have to work with us" Finn said.
ale got up and brushed the dirt off of his leather jacket and skinny jeans then straightened the dent in his aviators. he dumped another box of cigarettes down his throat and swallowed hungrily.
as soon as they all calmed down, Finn split the turnips among all of them and they all sat down to make plans for their quest. they had the big journey ahead of them and would need lots of granola barss.

Notes:

ily guys

 

also I'm so sorry

Chapter 4: oh my god

Summary:

this was a mistake

Chapter Text

Please forget this was ever written

Notes:

leave a comment if u want a part ii
peace, furcifers