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Tweedle-Dee, Tweedle-Dum and the Three Stooges

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Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter

“I don't understand what that means!” Em spoke insistently, chasing after William furiously, her legs longer than the short Pukwudgie, but seemingly slower.

She could hear him grumbling under his breath, “You don’t need to know,” as his pace seemed to, impossibly, pick up.

“Wait, just wait!” She had broken into a full jog now, blue and cranberry robes flapping out behind her. “Please just-” She breathed heavily, “Explain!”

William came to an abrupt stop and turned about face, causing a near collision. While the waxy, gray skinned creature was shorter than her by a good three feet, he seemed to be looking down at her in demeanor. “If you and your friend want to know, than you will know.” She felt a shiver go down her spine.


5 friends sat in a small storeroom space, a bubble of magicked sound-proofing surrounding them in efforts to hide their late night, rule breaking hangout spot. They all sat on the floor, each with a pillow transfigured from various bits of pen and paper. In the middle was a large lump of food, and all 5 wands glowed with white lights at the tips.

“You think letting that dickhead win is funny? You're not wrong, but the fuck is wrong with you Bobby!?” Em screeched with laughter, rocking from side to side on the floor, the pillow cushioning her.

“Think of it this way, right, if we let him, the US will become a fuckin’ circus man! That shit’s gotta be funny. And imagine all the speeches we’re gonna get! Meme material for daaays!” Bobby cried out, adjusting the delicate gold wire frames of his glasses, a style that everyone had long since dubbed, the ‘Potter’.

Ellis scratched his head, eyebrows scrunched, a small smirk on his face. “Have you guys noticed that Trump’s daughter looks like a rat??” Everyone nodded, some chuckling. “The fuck it up with that?” There was a general consensus of shrugs.

“Man, all I care about are the Republicans calling Hillary a witch. Because every time I see it on Facebook, I’m like ‘AND???’” Ali cried with a grin, his fingers moving in synchronization, twirling his wand, the light flashing madly.

“I miss Bernie.” Jade spoke forlornly, shredding thin strips of paper with obsessive attention. “He was gonna treat us right. He was gonna give everyone what we needed. Now we’re stuck with Thing 1 and Thing 2. The fuck have we come to?”

Ali rolled his eyes, and set his wand down next to his thigh, speaking with a mischievous grin. “My suggestion is just to make the Obama family into a monarchy. I trust Malia TBH. Even after the weed smoking thing. Who hasn't, amright?” He looked around at them knowingly, recalling the end of last year. There was a nod of agreement from everyone. “Plus, England seems to be alright with one family ruling for all of eternity.”

“That's true. Oh wait. Except for that Dark Lord shit that went down.” Ellis argued, looking incredulous.

“Can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me Drumphf isn't the next Voldie? You know he’s bald under that toupe, and I’m sure his nose must be a little plastic too.” Jade said in a sincere tone, poking Phillip in the shoulder.

“I can look you in an eye.” Ellis responded. The friends cackled madly, taking the break in quick fire commentary to grab snacks from the center. They had all pitched in to bringing some to school from home, so there was enough candy and snacks to give a few nations a stomach ache. It had become a tradition after second year, when they had all become friends.

Em, who was from Detroit, had brought a bag of M&M’s the size of her torso, in hopes that it would last at least till Christmas. Her little sister, who had also come to Ilvermorny, had also brought along a similar bag, and therefore she wouldn't have to worry about sharing. Her mom was cool like that. Em was known for being smarter than basically anyone in their year. She had to be, with parents that were as free spirited and airheaded as hers. Em had filed taxes herself several times. She had skipped from the 6th to the 8th grade by the time Ilvermorny got in contact, and she knew there was something extraordinarily magical about her since the time she was 4, and her sister the moment she had been born. She hid it well, and rarely ever talked about school work, but her grades, and her ability to learn basically anything was a well known fact. With a short blonde pixie cut, and a tall body hidden under baggy sweaters, leggings, and too large robes, Em was seen as cute, but approachable. The one or two times Em had let Jade dress her up had proven how beautiful she could look, but they all preferred Em as she was. Clever, kind, and as frumpy as she liked. Em knew she was loved regardless.

Bobby was from Philly, where he claimed he had stolen ten forearm length packs of Swedish Fish. No one believed him, especially when he began to rant about having ‘Street Cred’. Everyone knew that he talked a big game, but in truth Bobby was a chill guy, with a heart of gold. Much like his glasses. In their first year, Bobby had made friends with everyone, and had charmed all their teachers. He was still friendly with most everyone, but he had refined his true friend group to the 4 that surrounded him now. And while sometimes he wandered off to other groups of people, he always returned to his real friends. His 5’5’’ frame was not intimidating, but the muscles that bound his arms spoke of someone willing to protect, and the younger kids often were drawn to him as a older, big brother character. As an only child, Bobby was only too happy to play big bro during the school year. You didn't mess with the younger kids unless you wanted Bobby Franklin on you're ass.

Ellis was originally from Nevada, but had moved to Washington D.C. last year, and had brought seven ginormous boxes of Whoppers. Ellis was blind in one eye, and while most people couldn't tell, he made a hobby of coming up with ways to guilt the shit out of people for the times when he couldn't see something and they jokingly asked if he was blind. It was how he made friends with both Em and Bobby, and how he had gotten Ali into teaching him No Maj magic tricks. Ellis was an artist, constantly stating that if he couldn't see with both his eyes than he was going to make double for his one eye to see. His drawings and paintings were beautiful, and he advertised portrait drawing on the weekends for students who hung out in the park. The teachers found him frustrating because he was not particularly dedicated to school, but liked him for his kindness toward younger students. Often times when first years cried about not being home, he would draw them pictures of their parents from photographs they showed him, and magic the pictures into moving, if only slightly. It usually had the younger kids back to smiling.

Ali, an arab kid that had never been any where near Saudi Arabia, and never intended to be, had bought more packs of Corn Nuts than could be counted. He had explained that he had hit up four bodegas till he felt he had a decent amount. Born and bred in New York City, his accent was thick with a nasally inflection, and his hands were quick fingered from trying out tricks that held no actual magic in Central park. He made good money, he explained, doing those ‘silly little tricks’ as Jade called them. He had three younger siblings, all of them boys, all of them No Majs. But they didn't seem to mind. They all had magic, he had explained once. They could all do card tricks, ball under the cup, money behind your ear tricks. It didn't matter if his was ‘more real’, because they could all do it regardless. Every girl in Ilvermorny who had any kind of intrest in men was at least marginally attracted to Ali. With thick black hair, five o’clock shadow, and a lean athletic body, Ali was a ‘Teen Witch Magazine’ dream boat. But his friends knew better. He was a nerd, and they didn't let him forget it. And he loved them for it.

Jade’s father moved around constantly, and as an army brat, Ilvermorny was her real home. She had bought 40 tall cans of different Pringles flavors, and had put them under a stasis charm as soon as she had gotten her hands back on her wand. Short, pudgy, make up always done, and weave always in some new and beautiful style, Jade was the prettiest, and probably the most serious of their group, if not their grade. She took her studies seriously, but also understood that a healthy balance of fun and work was needed. Her father's lesson to her from an early age was to know how to act in the right situation, and Jade felt she knew how to do it well. When in class, she was calm and professional, when she was with acquaintances, she was kind, and understanding. But when with her best friends, she was herself. Serious, but funny as hell. There was no doubt that the deadpan delivery award went to Jade. She was often avoided by others, having few friends outside of the other 4, but she didn't mind all that much. Having her 4 best friends to be as explicitly humourus as she pleased was all she needed.

They ate their snacks, and began a new conversation.

“So it’s our last year. Next year we have to live in the real world, and get a job or some shit.” Ellis started, gnawing on Swedish Fish.

“I don’t even know how it's possible, honestly. I can remember standing on the Gordian Knot, waiting for the wood to react.” Jade spoke wistfully, but the others snickered at her wording. “Oh shut up! Ya’ll nasty!”

Em giggled. “Yea. We know. But I feel you. The moment that crystal lit up in Horned Serpents head…. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that moment, even when I’m old and half senile.”

Bobby nodded seriously. “Agreed. When Wampus roared and chose me, I was happier than I’d ever been in all my life.”

Ellis and Ali grinned at one another. “After Thunderbird chose us, and we went to bed, Ellis and I stayed up half the night, whispering back and forth about how we couldn't sleep, and we didn't want to sleep, and we would never be able to sleep. That first day of classes was hell. We couldn't keep our heads up.”

Jade sighed, and spoke dryly. “I thought when Pukwudgie raised his bow he was gonna fucking shoot me.” The friends fell apart into laughter. After a bit they calmed down.

“I’m gonna miss this Jawn, for real.” Bobby spoke sadly.

Em snorted. “You aren't in Philly any more Toto.”

“Shut up Detroit.”

“What does that even mean?”

“Hey! Hey!” Ellis flapped his hands. “We were reminiscing.”

“Sorry.” The two grumbled, stuffing their faces with more Pringles.

“Anyway….. I was thinking.” Ellis spoke, picking up Ali’s wand, and leaning it against his, in efforts to balance them into a triangle.

“We still haven't found out if William is the William. We said we would.”

“Yea, in like third year.” Ali shrugged, snatching Jade’s wand to contribute to the balancing act.

“Exactly. It's been four whole years, and we still haven't done it. Don’t you think it’s about time?”

“There’s no way it’s him.” Em spoke, her rational, Horned Serpent coming to its forefront. “He would have to be over 300 years old Ellis. There's no way. Granted we don’t know how long Pukwudgies live, but the longest any magical creature lives is 3 centuries, and that's only Basilisks, the last of which was seen over 30 years ago. Plus, we’ve seen Pukwudgie babies, which is an indicator that they are breeding regularly, and if they are breeding regularly, then hypothetically, if they live a long time-”

“Yea, yea, then there would be way more of them. Got you. But stop thinking, and start imagining Em! William won’t let anyone else polish Isolt’s statue, and he gives her flowers every year on the day she died! Does that seem like just a random Pukwudgie named William who wants to do all that just because!? For god's sake, one time I brushed against that statue, and he glared at me for a week after! That's not normal behavior!” Ellis declared, hands waving expressively.

“Okay…. Maybe… Maybe it’s William’s Great-great-great-great grandchild or something. And its tradition to… to do all that in the family?” Em tried to explain.

Ellis flopped back, arms splayed out over his head. “No creative thought. Where's the romanticism? Where's the magic?” He moaned exaggeratedly. Em rolled her eyes, smiling.

Jade grabbed her wand back, waving it with a quick spell to box up all the candy and disillusion it, pushing the box up against a wall of the small closet them were in. She spoke as she worked, “I don’t give a damn if it's the real William or the real William’s cousin four times removed through marriage to his fifth cousin seven times removed. What I care about it that it’s already 2 a.m., and we have classes bright and early tomorrow morning. This is our last year, and we have to end on a good note!” She lectured, as everyone else groaned.

“Fine I’m going to bed. See ya’ll at breakfast, aright?” Bobby spoke, standing and stretching. They nodded, and began saying goodnight to one another. Eventually it was just Em and Ellis.

“I think it’s the real William, Em. I really do.”

“Well, I guess you have to prove it, don’t you?” She rolled her eyes, throwing an arm around Ellis’ shoulders, and walking out of the tiny room with him.

“Yup! And you're gonna help me!” He grinned at her, squeezing her around the waist.

“I guess I have to, don’t I?” She asked good naturedly, stopping at the beginning of a hallway that she had to turn down to, and he would have to pass.

“Yup! Good night.” He kissed her on the cheek and walked away.

“Goodnight.” She muttered after him, turning down the hall.