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You Are the Light That's Leading Me

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It was painful to wake. To draw breath. He felt as though he’d been run over by shuttlecraft.

His vision blurred as he opened his eyes but he was able to tell that someone stood beside his bed.


A soft, feminine voice. For a moment he could not imagine where he was. With enormous, excruciating painful concentration he focused on the figure on the bed who turned into Nyota.

Her long hair was piled on top of her head in ringlets that fell down around her ears. She pursed her lips. She wore a red dress, not Starfleet, but red was her color. It looked pleasing on her.


“Do you know where you are, Spock?”


“That’s right. You were shot in a bar,” she said in a derisive tone.


Spock opened his mouth to ask after him but she was speaking again.

“I brought Sarvok. He wants to see you.”

She turned away and was gone before Spock could ask.

A moment later his son ran in and over to him on the bed, scrambling up and throwing his tiny arms around Spock.


Spock winced at the impact but held Sarvok to him. “Hello little one.”

His gaze rose to where Nyota stood and that was when he saw Jim had joined her, standing at the foot of the bed, though with some distance between himself and Nyota.

Spock found that he could breathe again. His gaze met Jim’s but he couldn’t tell what Jim was thinking. Or feeling. Not from where he stood so far away.

“Mama says you were shot!”

Spock turned to his son. “Yes, Sarvok. I was. I am on the mend now.” He once more looked to Jim, who nodded. He returned his gaze to the boy. “No need to worry.”

“Okay, now, Sarvok, you’ve seen Papa but now he needs to rest and so do you,” Nyota said. “We’ll come back later to see him again.”


“Of course. Let’s find your grandpapa. He promised us both lunch.”

“Okay.” Sarvok hugged Spock again, wetly kissing Spock’s face, then scrambled down from the bed. He smiled at Jim and somewhat to Spock’s surprise, Sarvok hugged Jim’s leg. “Bye Jim!”

Jim smiled slightly. “I’ll see you later.” His gaze swept over Nyota briefly. “With your grandpapa.”

Nyota took Sarvok’s hand. She did not look at Jim, Spock suspected deliberately, but she did nod at Spock.

“I’m glad you’re going to recover,” she told him.

And then they were gone and only Jim stood there.

He looked like life. There was no better word to describe it. The life Spock wanted, desired, needed, above all else.

At that moment he wanted Jim to come closer but Spock wasn’t sure how to ask. So much was uncertain. And Jim gave nothing away.

“How do you feel?” Jim asked.

“A little rough,” Spock admitted. “Weak. Sore. I did not think I would live.”

“I didn’t think you would either.” Jim looked down at the ground and then back up at Spock. “I have a lot to say, if you want to listen.”

“You have my full attention.”

“Maybe I should let you rest.”

“I cannot rest when you are not here,” Spock stated simply.

Jim did move away from the foot of the bed then and over to the chair that had been placed by Spock’s bedside. “I could sit here next to you while you sleep. It’s where I’ve been the last four days.”

“Four days,” Spock repeatedly faintly.

“You were really fucked up, Spock. I told you I could handle it.”

“And if you had, you would have died.” Spock shook his head. “I cannot face your death a second time. I am not strong enough for that.”

“You’ve always been so stubborn,” Jim said, but without much heat behind it. He briefly reached out and covered Spock’s hand with his. Jim’s hand was warm and Spock wanted to trap his hand to his but Jim moved it away and sat in the chair, still too far from Spock for his liking.

“You are unharmed?” He looked perfect to Spock, incredibly handsome and virile, but he had to be sure.

“Physically, yes. Emotionally, no,” Jim said, gazing intently at Spock. “God, Spock, I really thought you weren’t going to make it.”

“If I have to sacrifice myself for you, I will do so.”

“No one’s sacrificing themselves for anyone. Got that?” Jim sighed. “You’ve got that sweet little boy who needs you, Spock. And I-I need you.”

Spock allowed just the slightest bit of hope to spark through him.

“Listen,” Jim said, holding up his hand when Spock would speak. “I’m not saying this is going to be easy. Between us. I mean, when is it ever? The first time we met…” He shook his head. “There’s been a lot of hurt, Spock. I hurt you. You hurt me. We both hurt Uhura. I’ve hurt myself. And I think-I think you’ve hurt yourself a little too. I have a lot of emotions—”

“You are a fiery individual. And I would never want you to change. You draw me like a moth.”

Jim’s lips curled. “Yeah. That’s one way of putting it.”

“I will gladly spend the rest of my life devoted to you.”

“That’s bound to be a long life, Spock. Provided we stay out of lowlife bars, anyway. Chances are you’ll outlive me by a number of years.”

“No one can know the future, Jim. With Khan’s blood, you may yet have an extended life. Dr. McCoy was never able to come to a definitive conclusion.”

“I don’t want to live a long time unless it’s with you,” Jim said softly.

“And I…” Spock felt embarrassed when his voice cracked. “I want the same. More than you can possibly imagine.”

“So,” Jim said, letting out a long breath. “If you want the whole picture, the marriage, the bonding, all that entails, the um, the co-parenting with Uhura, well, then I guess, if you want all that still, with me, then okay.”

Spock closed his eyes, suddenly overcome with such powerful relief and yes, happiness, that he could not contain it. His Vulcan side was failing, or perhaps, it was giving in to what they’d always tried so hard to suppress. His eyes filled with tears, one spilling out onto his cheek.


Jim’s chair scraped back as he stood and came over to the bed, reaching for Spock, who now stared at Jim, longingly.

“Spock? Do I need to get the doctor?”

“No, Jim. Taluhk nash-veh k'dular.”  Spock grabbed Jim’s hand in his. “To be bonded to you is my dream.”

“Well then.” Jim smiled and leaned down to kiss Spock with aching gentleness on the lips. “I guess we can make your dream come true.”

Spock gave a protesting moan when Jim pulled back.

“Uh-uh. You need to sleep, mister. I don’t want any relapses.”

“I will not. Are you--?”

“Rest, Spock. I’m not going anywhere.”

“How soon can a Vulcan priestess bond us?”

“Spock, go to sleep.”


“But what?”

Spock found himself suddenly filled with anxiety. “What if-what if this is just a dream? What if I go to sleep and when I wake up, none of this has happened? You have not agreed to be mine. What if I do not wake up at all?”

“Spock, Spock, sweetheart, you’re freaking out.” Jim put his hand on Spock’s face. “Everything’s okay. You’re all right. I promise.”

Jim’s touch did manage to soothe him but Spock still had trouble believing this was real. For so long, Jim rejected him. For good reason, yes. Spock could not deny that. But Jim was capable of so much love and forgiveness, even for those who had not earned it.

“Lie with me,” Spock urged.

Jim laughed. “What?”

“On the bed. It will be easier to rest if you are right beside me.”

Jim looked at him doubtfully. “I doubt the doctor will go for that.”

“I am not asking his permission. Please?”

“Is there room? Without me jarring all your hospital plugs?”

“I will make room.” He scooted over. With effort, but still. Jim would fit.

“Like I said, you are stubborn.” Jim glanced at the hospital room door but then, lowered himself into the bed next to Spock, who immediately scooted closer. He put his hand on Spock’s arm. “Just so you know, you scared the crap out of me.”

“I am sorry.”

“No you aren’t.”

“No I am not,” Spock agreed. “He would have killed you. Has he—”

“Yeah, he’s taken care of, don’t worry.”

“I am sorry for all the times I hurt you.”

“Spock, not now. Okay? I just want you to get better.”

“If I had it to do over—”

“You don’t. We don’t. Kaiidth, right?”

Spock covered Jim’s hand with his. “Yes.”