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Voices in my head

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Everyone thought that Lance was a selfish, egocentric boy with unfunny jokes. It kind of hurt Lance but he wanted to be like this. He wanted to show how strong and great he is even though he was weak. Really weak. Not physically of course, he was weak mentally. He thought that if he could pretend like he was strong then he would be but it was not true. He still felt like he was the weakest member of Voltron. He just wanted to be useful but he clearly was not.

Firstly, he doesn’t have any “superpowers” like the others. Hunk saves their life with his food, Pidge is a tech-genius, Shiro is their leader and he can fight like a god and don’t mention Keith. He can fight, he is the best pilot and he is the right hand of Voltron.

Secondly, he hits on every girl to make his rival jealous. It clearly doesn’t work but he can still at least try it. Maybe too desperately.

Thirdly, he was in love with Keith. How did that happen? It’s a really good question he can’t answer it either. It just sort of happened. And his life was like hell after he recognized his feelings.

Every time they fought with Garlas Keith and Shiro did the hard work. Lance always felt like he was unnecessary in this team. After every fight he just lied down on his bed and started to cry. He wanted to quit so badly. To see his mom. To escape from his sexuality. To just escape. But he couldn’t. There was no way to escape from this he was already too deep in it.

He couldn’t bear this situation anymore. He noticed that he felt more blue (in this angsty stuff I needed a pun please forgive me) and he wasn’t making more jokes. His teammates started to worry about him and he couldn’t stand it. He didn’t want to bother them.

He’s found a new way to bear his anxious feelings. He started to cut himself. Not too deeply of course he wasn’t that coward to kill himself. He just wanted to feel physical pain to help his feelings. Sadly, it helped.

He could pretend that he was a selfish bastard again and somehow it calmed down the team. Nobody knew of Lance’s scars and pains but it was the right thing to do. He really didn’t want to bother them.

“Lance are you alright?” asked Shiro. He was like a dad to him, a role model. But Lance can never be like Shiro.

“Am I alright? I’m Lance McClain, of course I’m alright. I can’t be more alright than that alright like I am right now.” Shiro looked confused and Lance cringed so badly. He just can’t fucking lie to Shiro! “Ah, quiznak!” cursed to himself after he saw Shiro’s doubted face.

“What’s bothering you? It can help the team if you tell us.” He was right as always but Lance couldn’t tell him. He didn’t want that kind of attention. He started to panic.

“Look, I know you’re all worrying about me but you don’t have to. I’m alright enough to form Voltron. I think there’s no need to deal with my shit.” in that moment it seemed like Shiro was convinced but then Keith just had to appear and ruin everything.

“What’s that on your wrist?” he automatically gripped his own wrist and started to run. He couldn’t look at his eyes too. It was too much. It was too fucking much!

He jumped in his bed and started to cry. What should he do now? He’s got caught. He can’t look in any of his friends’ eyes ever again. They will think he’s weak and disgusting. They are going to hate him. These voices told him that he can help it if he just kills himself. It would be easy. Allura could take his place and pilot the blue lion. It would be the best choice.

So he grabbed the knife which was under his pillow and started to cut himself. And this time he wasn’t gentle. He just wanted his emotions, his voices in his head to disappear forever. He was a coward. He couldn’t even kill himself. He was too afraid. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what was going to happen if someone sees his scars.

He heard a soft knock on his door. He didn’t want to open it. But it became louder and louder and he had that feeling that if he doesn’t open the door then he won’t be able to heal ever again. So he opened it and his gaze meet Keith’s who grabbed him at his wrist and his face changed from angry to shocked and then angry again. “What the hell did you do with yourself?” Lance couldn’t look into his eyes and say anything. “Did you do this to yourself?” Lance just nodded. “Why” it wasn’t a question. It was clear shock and worry. Worry? Keith worried about him? Did he actually die?

“It’s nothing. Please leave.” muttered Lance but Keith didn’t move. Actually something unbelievable happened. Keith hugged him. Tightly. And it felt so damn good. He didn’t recognize at first that he was sobbing. “I’m so worthless, Keith!”

“Are you insane? You’re the blue paladin of Voltron. You literally pilot a big blue cat in space.” Keith was right as always and Lance knew it. “Tell me what’s bothering you. I want to help.” he started to blush. “ I-I mean if you want to. You don’t have to tell me your biggest dilemma and stuff but I just… y’know want to help. It’s not like I can help but I want to try and-“

“I love you” there he goes, he said it. He confessed. Now he just has to wait for rejection and Keith making fun of him.

“And? Did you cut yourself because of me?” Keith was really confused. Was that really Lance’s problem? He wanted to ask a lot of questions but he knew it would make Lance more anxious so he just kissed him.
Keith kissed Lance. Wait, you don’t understand. Keith fucking Kogane kissed Lance. Lance couldn’t believe his eyes. And his mouth.

“Did I die?” he asked incredulously. Keith smiled at him. Smiled. Okay, he should stop grinning like an idiot.

“Luckily not. I would have killed you.” it was a pretty absurd answer from him but Lance didn’t care. Keith kissed him. But the voices didn’t let him rest. What if he did it because of pity? “And by the way I kind of… love you too?” Keith was redder than his lion. Fuck the voices. Lance thought and he kissed Keith. Again and again until he was convinced that this wasn’t a dream. Keith loved him. “I know you have more problems than loving me so I really want you to tell me them. I want to help and comfort you. I care about you. Everyone cares about you. We want to help.” and with that Lance confessed. He told him every voice he had in his head and it was a big relief.

The whole team helped him and comforted him and he felt like he was one of them. He felt like for the first time that he was the freaking blue paladin, a defender of the universe. He was Lance McClain, Keith Kogane’s boyfriend.