Chapter 1: Lost In Darkness, No Light Left
P.o.V.: Frank Iero (My Chemical Romance)
"What do you mean, I can't go home? Why not?"
The doctor shot me a quick, pitiful look, checking my vitals one more time and scribbling something down on the mysterious notepad. It was pretty obvious that she was simply avoiding to answer my question, because the vitals were the same as an hour ago, so there was nothing to note.
After a minute or two she finally looked at me again and sighed, realizing that I was still waiting for the answer.
"I am very sorry, Frank, but there is no way we could ignore the fact that you have tried to kill yourself. You aren't safe on your own and need professional help."
Shaking my head, I sat up on the hospital bed, pushing my covers away.
"Look, I see that you think I am unstable, but I want to go home - it's the safest I can be."
Slowly the doctor walked over to me, placing a soft hand on my shoulder.
"I understand that you feel safest there, because you know the place, you know your mother and you know that there's no harm for you. But I really do believe that you are better off in the hands of professionals who know how you can battle the depression while not being able to try something like that again."
"Well, I think that you don't know me well enough to judge that."
She sighed, sitting down next to me.
"Let me guess, you are mostly scared of the other teenagers in the psychiatry, right?"
I looked down on my folded hands, embarrassed that she could read me that easily.
"That's alright. That's understandable. Nobody is expecting you to look forwards to going there, but you should really give this a try."
"But why? I already know how this story is gonna end: they'll kick the shit out of me and the only way for me to get out, is coming here again to let you treat my injuries."
"I know this story from every single school I've been to", I interrupted her.
"Frank. I personally know some of the patients and the doctors. If I can promise you anything, then that there are at least three people in there who are always willing to help you, no matter why, no matter what time, no matter what reason, because they know what you've been through."
"Don't promise me something you can't keep."
She smiled sadly.
"Kids with serious mental issues who get mocked in school or got treated wrong their whole life come in the psychiatry, assholes burn in hell. After they are done with their school's football team and their stupid classes. They won't be allowed near any psychiatric institution."
So here I was now, in my mum's car on the way to the Youngblood Hospital, a psychiatry for adolescents in particular. It was the longest car ride ever and the closer we came to the institution, the more nervous I got. When we past the gates to the residence, I felt seriously sick. What was going to happen in here? Were the patients as nice as the doctor promised me or were they the same idiots as in high school? Would they like me? Stupid! How could they? Why should they be so different from all the teenagers or kids that I'd ever known? Would I be able to protect myself? Probably not. Would I be able to find a spot to hide? Maybe. That was probably my only chance. But what could I do to defend myself at night? Would I die in here? Would they kill me? Would I just have a mental breakdown after one day and hang myself somehow?
"Frankie!", my mum shouted quietly, ripping me out of my thoughts.
Only now I realized that my breathing had sped up a lot while I was zoned out and that my heart was beating so crazy I felt like throwing up. My mum parked the car in front of the entrance and looked over to me while I was staring out of the window, trying to control my breathing and calm the fuck down.
"What's wrong, do you need something? Water?", my mum asked immediately, holding out a bottle to me. I took a sip and leaned back, trying to relax a little.
"Wanna tell me what's going on in this pretty head of yours?"
"J-just scared. That n-normal?"
"Frank, nobody should tell you what is normal to think. This is about your mind, nobody can change that. If you are scared, you are scared and that's okay, but it doesn't have to be normal. Although in your current situation it is very normal, yes. But it never matters what others think about what you feel, it's not like you could just change it anyways. Try not to worry so much about your reputation, just take a deep breath and relax. Try to focus on something calming, think of the latest Misfits album."
But I couldn't stop thinking of my reputation. Until now I never understood what I did wrong all the time to be the first victim to bullying wherever I got.
Here I was again, in this hell called high school. It was my third week here and my nerves were already done with it. Like in all of my old middle schools before, I was the small kid that only sat in the corner, without any friends. It was surprising how quick you could become the victim choice number one for all other classes. Somehow they always picked me. Not just the jocks, but almost everybody. The weak ones could easily beat me up, I had nothing to defend myself with and nobody to watch my back. The students who didn't bully me, ignored me completely. When I was down on the ground, the only people helping me up were the teachers. Some of them, mostly my music teacher, let me stay inside the classroom for the breaks, because they knew what was happening otherwise. But whenever they asked to consult with my mum, I disagreed, begging them not to. After my dad left my mum had enough struggle with just earning enough money for the two of us, she really didn't need to know about my school problems. Today wasn't my day, even though I made it to the classroom door unharmed. But of course just before I could enter the safety of the room, a harsh hand pulled me back and made me turn around. Bert McCracken. School bully number one and my personal worst enemy. If everybody would become tired of beating me up, he wouldn't. I didn't understand what was his problem with me, but somehow he was angry at me since the first second we saw each other. And right now, he seemed even more pissed off than usual.
"See what I've got here ... not being very careful today, are we?"
I looked down on the floor again, trying to avoid him and quietly hoping he would just let me go and walk away. But of course that didn't happen.
"Hey, my eyes are up here, faggot!"
He pushed my head up and stared directly into my eyes, until I closed them.
"You really that weak? Too emo to stand up? You're disgusting!"
I didn't dare to start a fight with him on my own, so I didn't say anything and begged that a teacher would come by. Other students were standing around us, but they were all just watching us, without interacting. Not that I would expect them to help me, I'd given up on that.
"Don't scream, or it'll get worse ...", Bert threatened.
Not really understanding why I would scream, I looked at him, raising an eyebrow, but then his fist collided with my jar and sent me flying backwards, knocking against the wall. While I was trying to stand up again, Bert grabbed me and pulled me close, so that his face was an inch away from mine.
"Wanna kiss me?", I asked quietly, but regretted it as soon as he knocked me down with his head again.
This time I couldn't stand up immediately and he used it, to keep kicking my stomach and ribcage. Others joined in and I was left to lay on the floor, trying to protect my head and stomach with my hands. I could already feel the blood running down my nose and forehead. Black spots danced through my vision and I had to pull myself together not to pass out right there and now.
Luckily not a minute later after I went down to the ground and got the soccer ball to a group of teenagers, I heard a teacher's voice calling out. Immediately most of the students just disappeared, they ran away from the place, but Bert seemed to be too angry to just stop. Suddenly the painful kicks stopped and I could hear my English teacher yell at Bert, then Bert stumped away angrily.
"Frank ... can you open your eyes?"
Slowly I uncurled myself and looked up at my elderly teacher who crouched down next to me.
"Okay, let me help you sit up ..."
Carefully I leaned against the walls once I could sit up and looked at the ground. My fingers touched the wound on the forehead and I tried to put some pressure on it. Immediately my teacher gave me a tissue that I could stop the bleeding wound as well as my bloody nose. Everything hurt like hell, especially my stomach. Slowly I pulled my shirt up a little to take a look at the damage and flinched when I saw the bruised skin. My teacher gasped at the blue and red skin.
"Alright, you need to get to the nurse's office ... but first, let's get you in the bathroom to get rid of the blood stains ..."
With that he helped me up and lead me towards the men's room where he sat me down on one of the closed toilet seats, giving me another tissue.
"You know what, I'll just get some nurse, you stay here and wait till the bleeding stops, okay?"
"Frank! C'mon, snap out of it!", my mum shook me out of my flashback, checking my forehead.
I leaned against her cool hand, trying to forget about the horrible memories that were haunting me for about two weeks. Slowly I closed my eyes, breathing in deeply to calm myself down.
"Are you alright?"
My mum nodded and smiled, stepping outside, then opening my door.
"Okay, then come with me. You can't stay in this car forever. We need to get in there."
"Do we really need to? Can't we just go home ...?"
"I'm sorry, Frankie."
She carefully lead me towards the entry, keeping her hand on my back until we had reached the door, where she let go of me and already put her hands on the handles to open it.
"Mum, stop!" Sighing she turned around, wrapping her arms around me again and kissing my forehead.
"Frank, we have to go in there. You can't stay outside forever."
She chuckled and pushed some hair off my forehead.
"I don't wanna watch you freeze. Then you get sick again and do you really wanna go back in the hospital for a lung infection?"
"I don't get sick easily."
"Honey, there are more days in the year where you are sick than where you're healthy."
"Mum!", I whined.
She grinned over her victory and hugged me a little tighter.
"Come inside, now. I'm sure that in the entrance there's no teenager, but it's warmer than outside."
"In the entrance, yes."
"Are you sure?"
"That's not enough."
"Frankie, please. Don't put up that much of a fight, nobody in there will kill you."
"She's right, you know", a man commented.
My mum and I turned around to see a guy with red hair and beard standing in the entrance, leaning against the door frame. He smiled politely and held open the door.
"I know that this is scary as hell, kid, but I promise you that it's totally safe."
"It's probably not. Not for me."
"That's what every second patient who comes here says. Do you see a pattern? There are too many kids here who are scared of other teenagers, because of what they experienced in school or at home. Believe me, you are safe here. Especially now, Zach has the later shift and is home right now."
"Who is Zach?"
"My colleague and best friend. Don't worry about him, if you're not me he won't annoy you as much. He's just a child in his head."
My mum smiled at me and pushed me forwards to the door very lightly, but the man didn't seem to mind waiting. Hesitantly I stepped in the entrance hall, followed directly by my mum and him, closing the door behind. While the adults went on to a desk, probably to check my file and fill out personal information, I stopped to take a look around.
The high windows were secured by iron bars, but let a lot of light in the room. The walls on the sides were covered in paintings that all looked kinda alike. They all showed a man with a similar body figure, but different styles, hair and surroundings. When I walked up to two paintings I saw that they all were signed with the same name: Gerard. Whoever that was, he had a lot of talent to draw that detailed, but when I stood directly in front of a picture I saw that the soft lines on the borders turned into harsh lines in the center, probably because the artist got bored or annoyed with his drawings. They looked incredibly though and brought some color in the light brown floored room with the otherwise plain white walls. I started to wonder if that Gerard was a patient, had been a patient or was one of the doctors or nurses. It was impossible to say in what age you could draw in this comic style.
"You like them?", the man asked behind me as I turned around quickly, nodding.
"A patient drew them, too bad he stopped."
"He says that it makes him crazy. He loses control when he's drawing."
I looked back at the paintings. Now the harsh lines made even more sense.
"By the way, I'm Rian. I think I forgot to introduce myself to you."
He held out his hand to shake which I slowly accepted.
"Well, it's nice to meet you. I wish it was somewhere else, though. Anyways, do you want me to show you your room now?"
I looked down and glanced at my mother, who was studying some papers on the desk.
"She can tag along of course."
Hesitantly, I nodded and Rian smiled, waving my mum over and walking over to a glass door, unlocking it.
"If you'd follow me."
Slowly I walked through the door behind him.
"Okay, let me start with the rules: no drugs, no alcohol, nothing sharp, but I think that is clear. Also no bracelets or necklaces."
Without bracelets would be a challenge, but the other stuff didn't affect me anyways. Except for cigarettes, but I didn't smoke regularly, so I should be fine without them.
"C-can I play guitar somewhere?"
"Yes. We have two music teachers here, they aren't always around, but when they are, they have two rooms with instruments, one of them is for lessons, the other one is just for jamming. DJ and James want everybody to play something or sing, but they don't force anyone. If you want to play guitar, you should ask DJ, he's the guitarist. James is mostly focused on singing and piano. Maybe you can join some others here, jamming is always more fun together."
I nodded, smiling to myself. No matter what happened here, I could play the guitar. That was most important to me. It didn't matter that I couldn't use my own, at least I had one.
"In case of an emergency, you can knock on any door, no patient will make fun of you, they will help you. Except for Pete if you wake him up."
"Dark hair, brown eyes, pretty emo ... he'll introduce himself when you see him. He's a nice kid, just needs his sleep. But don't worry, there are name tags on the doors."
I breathed out slowly, relieved.
"Nothing to worry about, kid. But anyways, in the end of the hallway are the doctors' offices. They are marked with a bright red writing on the door. If nobody is there, the nurses' offices are opposite to them, marked with white writing. The first glass door we walked past was the lounge, there are always some patients in there. Opposite to it is the cafeteria for the three meals a day, breakfast from 6 to 10a.m., lunch from 12 to 3p.m. and dinner from 6 to 9p.m.. Next to that is the bathroom. There are like ten stalls in it, with five opposite stalls for the showers."
Ah fuck, public bathrooms.
"I know that single bathrooms would be nicer, but there's a security issue with that."
We stopped in front of a wooden door that had my name written on a tag besides it.
"One more thing: don't block the door. We will break it open."
He unlocked it and offered me to go in first. I hesitantly looked around in the room, taking in the plain white walls and the wooden furniture, a bed, a closet and a desk with a chair. Nothing special, but nothing too bad either. Just a little boring and desolate.
"If you want to, you can tape some posters to the wall, just don't pin them. It doesn't have to be that plain."
That was finally some good news.
"I can bring you some from your room when I visit you the next time", my mum offered, smiling softly.
"Yes, about visiting, the only restriction is that it shouldn't be a time like midnight. Otherwise, come whenever you like."
My mum smiled at him.
"Great. Thank you a lot."
"Nothing to thank me for", Rian grinned.
"I will leave you two to it. If you need something, I'll be in the hallway, otherwise you won't get out, Ms Iero."
With that, Rian left the room, closing the door quietly and I could hear him start talking to someone, probably another patient or nurse. I looked at my mother who wiped her eyes, careful not to ruin her mascara. She looked hurt, betrayed. I know that with my try to help her, I ruined her life once again. Slowly, I wrapped my arms around her and buried my face in her shoulder, starting to cry as well. I clung to her shirt, not wanting to let her go.
"I'll visit as soon and as often as possible, I promise", my mum whispered, stroking my hair.
My knees gave in and I sunk to the floor, pulling my mum down with me and not letting go, grabbing onto her tightly. Tears ran over my cheeks, unstoppable, as choked up sobs escaped my lips. I was shaking worse than I had in years, knowing that now, my mum had to leave me just like my dad. She left me alone in a pit of teenagers that would probably ruin my life even more.
Carefully, my mum helped me stand up and walked me over to my bed, sitting me down on the mattress and stroking my cheek, keeping my hand in hers.
"I'm sorry that I have to leave, but I need to work."
She kissed my forehead softly, then she turned around, letting my hand go and left out the door, without looking back one last time. The door closed quietly behind her as she started talking to Rian outside, then their footsteps vanished again. Now I was all alone.
"Why'd you leave me, too?", I whispered into thin air, to nobody in particular.
After some minutes of just sitting on the bed, the tears finally stopped and I could breathe again. I pulled my legs up to rest my head on them. But just after I got comfy again, someone knocked to my door. Slowly I stood up to open, thinking that it could be Rian again, or some other nurse. When I opened, though, I was greeted with a young teenager, probably a little older than me, but not much, with dark brown hair that was styled neatly and dark glasses that were a little too big which framed his eyes perfectly. His full lips were formed in a smile.
"Hey, I'm Brendon."
"Frank ..." I hated how raw and quiet my voice sounded, making me the perfect victim already. Luckily, Brendon didn't seem to mind and just smiled on.
"Rian told me that you might need a tour around."
I shook my head.
"You don't have to keep up with me. I'll find my way."
Slowly I walked back to my bed, expecting him to leave. Why would he stay anyways? But Brendon followed me, sitting down next to me, though still leaving some space for me.
"I'm sorry if I sound kinda rude, but may I ask, why are you here?"
Should I tell him or would he just make fun of me? Maybe I could just tell him a part.
I was still sitting in that stupid stall on the closed toilet, pressing a wet tissue to my nose. In my other hand were the anti-depressants. I couldn't help but stare at them. Of course this sounded like a stupid idea, but what else was I supposed to do? If I would go, my mum would miss me, but have an easier life, so I would help her. And all the other people in the world didn't give a shit about me anyways. I could escape the endless bullying forever. It was my way out. Without hesitating any further, I swallowed the first pill ...
Suddenly Brendon wrapped an arm around my shoulders, looking more serious than before, with a sympathetic expression in his dark eyes. I was really surprised, the last time somebody had hugged other than my mum was years ago and it definitely wasn't another teenager. Teenagers only hugged me to keep me in place so that others could beat me up.
"Relax, I'm not gonna hurt you", Brendon promised.
"Not used to it", I whispered, still kinda scared.
"Also bullied in school, huh?"
"Almost everybody in here was. Teenagers can be little shits if they don't understand something. You can't help it that you're too cool for them."
Brendon pulled me closer, so that my shoulder was basically touching his.
"They just couldn't live with your cuteness."
I shook my head, feeling tears threaten to spill again, but I didn't want that to happen. Not as long as Brendon was sitting next to me. Still one tear escaped and ran down my cheek, followed by another. Brendon didn't say anything, just pulled me onto his lap to hold me close. I didn't know what to do, but hid my face in his shoulder, trying to stop the tears.
"It'll get better here, I promise."
I didn't dare to answer, but just stayed in my position. He softly placed a hand in my neck, holding me a little closer and kept whispering comforting words in my ear. Slowly I calmed down again, drying my tears with my sleeve and trying to catch my breath. After a minute or so, Brendon stood up and pulled me along with him, keeping one arm around my shoulder and grinning.
"Finally I'm not the smallest!"
I managed to crack a little smile and he beamed at me, obviously proud of himself.
"Now, do you want the tour or do you really want me to leave you alone? I promise you that I'm not bothered by a simple tour, I would love to show you around and tell you about all the embarrassing stories I know."
Slowly, I nodded and let him lead me out of my room in the hallway, still keeping his arm around me. We weren't walking for long, Brendon just talking about some stupid nicknames or how he'd screwed one other patient. I had to remember not to make him angry ... I didn't want to be pranked once again. But whatever that patient did, Brendon looked like he'd forgiven him already, because I couldn't see any anger in his eyes. They sparked rather happily. Just as I was about to ask what kind of a prank Brendon pulled, a tall guy caught up to us. He was at least one head taller than Brendon and grinned down at him.
"Hey shortie!", he chuckled and leaned down to pull Brendon in a hug that the smaller lad returned one armed, keeping the other one on my shoulders.
"Hey Gabanti!" The taller one smiled at me.
"I see you found another hobbit for your eye level, B, what's your name?"
The air stuck in my throat and I couldn't get a sound out. Luckily, Brendon responded quickly for me: "That's Frank. The new kid."
"Does that mean I can't call Dallon newbie anymore?"
"Yes. Stop calling him any stupid nickname. Why do I have to tell you every day?"
"It's just nicknames. And they aren't even offensive."
"They are stupid."
"Ouch, what crawled up your ass, mate?"
"You don't wanna know ..."
"Image in my head! I hate you, B!"
Brendon started laughing, as well as the tall guy. He didn't seem to mind that I hadn't answered him.
"Anyways, I'm Gabe. Mind if I tag along?"
He looked at me again, smiling brightly and briefly eyeing me. Brendon agreed with a quick glance at me, as if checking for my reaction. I nodded as well.
"Sweet! Let's make this hallway unsafe!", Gabe yelled, jumping up and down like a small child.
"Yes, he is crazy", Brendon chuckled in my direction only to be hit against the head by Gabe.
"So are you!" I raised my eyebrows at them, but Gabe seemed to calm down again, because he just walked on my other side, ignoring the grimaces Brendon made at him.
"Alright, Frank, you came here today?", Gabe asked.
I just nodded, not trusting my voice.
"It's always cool to meet new kids here. Although I hate that you have to be here. Did Rian already tell you about the offices and the location of cafeteria?"
I nodded again.
"Why did he think you need a tour then? Do you want us to show you the exact rooms?"
I shook my head as an answer. Gabe shrugged.
"Then how about we go in the lounge? Meet some idiots?"
I hesitated, but Brendon smiled.
"It shouldn't be many kids there right now, don't worry. I think Pete's with Patrick and so on outside anyways. So you'll only meet the calm kids."
Gabe shook his head.
"You already met us two. It doesn't really get worse."
"Only if he's hungry."
I smiled a little at the thought of someone being weirder than they were.
"How old are you, Frank?", Gabe asked on.
"Sweet 16 ... still so young. B's 17 and I'm 18. Everybody is between 15 and 19. I mean, the patients are. The nurses and docs are older of course."
"What, Rian isn't 12?", I asked in a sad attempt to make a joke. Gabe burst out laughing instantly, shaking his head.
"Wait till you met Zach. If you think Rian's behaving like a 12 year old ... Zach's way worse."
"Should I be worried?"
"Yes!", they both answered in unison, making me chuckle again.
"Sooo, can I ask you one more question?"
"Are you straight?"
I froze instantly, making the two of them stop as well. Both looked at me expectantly. In all the schools I always was called "faggot" and they couldn't even know. What would happen if I really outed myself?
"Just so you know, if you're not homophobic, everything is fine", Brendon said calmly.
"I mean, I'm pan. I fuck everything", Gabe explained, chuckling in the end.
"And I'm hella bi", Brendon added.
Obviously it wouldn't matter here, if they told the truth. Or were they just saying it to make me come out to use it against me? Whatever, it wasn't like it could become worse than school ...
"I'm gay", I mumbled, kinda hoping they hadn't heard it.
"A unicorn! That's cute! I like unicorns ...", Gabe exclaimed, beaming.
"You sound like Mikey", Brendon chuckled.
"Nah, I'm not stuck in the closet."
"Maybe he is straight, you know."
Gabe shook his head.
"Dude, that guy is obsessed with unicorns. No way he's straight."
"Who's Mikey?", I asked.
"You'll meet him soon. Nerd, bassist and obsessed with unicorns."
I nodded slowly.
"So, Frank, do you know how gay gangsters do a drive by?"
Brendon already started grinning as Gabe answered laughing:
"They throw skittles at you and shout: 'Taste the rainbow, bitches!'"
Gabe bent over to catch his breath as Brendon and I cracked up laughing. Just as we calmed down again, Brendon opened a glass door and stepped in the room.
"The lounge! Heya fellas! This is Frank."
It was a big room with two couches, a TV, a bookshelf, a table with multiple chairs and a refrigerator with many drinks. Everybody in there looked at Brendon with raised eyebrows, obviously used to his entrances, while Gabe slowly walked over to a guy with long brown hair who was sitting at a table reading a book.
"Hey, Bilvy, how's shit going?", he asked while kissing his cheek.
"Ugh, stop that shit, Gabe", the boy complained halfheartedly, wiping his cheek.
Brendon chuckled next to me and pointed to at the different people:
"Gabe's Romeo who's constantly annoyed by our childish behavior and therefor definitely the mum of this group, is William, or Bilvy."
William turned around at the sound of his name and smiled at me, flipping Brendon off who grinned back.
"Mister emo over there who's watching ... I bet it's X-Men again ... that's Gerard. You might have seen the drawings in the entrance hall ..."
So this was the artist ... my inner voice screamed 'hothothothothothothothothot', but I forced it to stay quiet. Gerard just raised his arm, not turning around.
"Hi! I can't turn away right now, that scene is important!"
"Not like you've seen it a million times already, the blonde guy next to him scoffed, only to be flipped off by Gerard.
"Yeah, this is Mikey, unicorn freak and nerd. Gerard's little brother."
Mikey looked at me.
"Welcome to the madhouse!"
The guy Mikey had been talking to before turned towards me as well, flashing me a bright smile. His brown afro made him look even happier.
"That's Ray. He's mostly talking about guitars so ... do you play any instrument?"
"Guitar and drums."
"Hell yeah, then you can talk to Ray."
"What kind of a guitar do you have?", Ray asked across the room, looking like a curious child.
"Gibson Les Paul custom."
"Nice! Gibson Les Paul Junior 1956."
"Les Paul are the best."
Brendon shook his head.
"I might tell you that nobody else in this room understands what you are talking about ..."
"Just because you don't understand."
Ignoring the last comment, Brendon moved on to the last person in the room, a sleeping guy on the second couch.
"That's Tyler. He's mostly sleeping so don't worry about waking him. He's a deep sleeper."
With that Brendon left me standing there and placed himself in Mikey's lap who instantly shoved him off. Without complaining Brendon stood up and sat down on Mikey again. This time, Mikey didn't say anything, but turned back to Ray to continue talking to him. The only security I had in here was gone now. Suddenly Gerard turned around and hell, his face screamed 'kiss me'.
'Don't', I told myself before looking back to the ground.
"Hey, Frankie, come over here and sit down! I'm sure you don't wanna stand there!"
He flashed me a breathtaking grin and scooted over a little. Slowly I made my way to the couch and sat down next to him, looking at the TV.
"You like X-Men?"
"Yeah ...", I answered quietly.
"Good answer, it's the best!", Gerard explained happily.
Then he looked over where Brendon sat who bent forwards to say something in Gerard's ear. I couldn't make out the words, but I was sure it was something bad about me. Here we go again. Gerard simply nodded and turned back to me, leaning in a little closer.
"B told me you're not a fan of many people ... do you wanna go outside?"
I nodded instantly and Gerard smiled, pausing the movie and standing up, helping me as well, before leaving the room, pulling me along with him, not letting go of my hand.
"Look at that! Gerard got a new boyfriend!", Gabe chuckled only to be flipped off by Gerard, while my mind was going crazy.
He pulled me outside in a small park. I couldn't get rid of the feeling that he wanted to hurt me in some way. Carefully, I left my gaze on the ground, keeping my head hung low.
"Social Anxiety?", Gerard suddenly asked. I shook my head.
"Borderline. Depression. Anorexia Nervosa."
"That sucks, man. Let me guess, suicidal?"
I nodded slowly.
"Can I hug you?", Gerard asked on.
Surprised I looked at him. I wasn't used to people hugging me, even less used to them asking me about it. I just shrugged, not wanting to seem clingy, but in my head I begged that he would hug me. I really needed it, I guessed. Gerard smiled and came closer, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me in a tight hug. My muscles slowly relaxed and I hid my face in his shoulder, enjoying the warmth and comfort he offered.
"You know, the psychiatry is a good place, actually. Nobody here will bully you or anything in that direction, almost everybody has experienced that in high school. The doctors are chill, as well as the nurses. There's no need to put yourself down all the time. I know that you can't help it, everybody here thinks low of themselves, but you should know that the most important point here is that we don't exclude others. Not because of their sexual orientation, not because of their origins, or their religion. It doesn't matter how they look or what they believe in. The only people who will suffer here are arrogant, homophobic bitches."
That sounded promising, but I couldn't allow myself to feel safe here. I had been hurt too many times to believe in something a teenager said.
"The hardest part is leaving your family, I know. I mean, I don't, because my brother is here and my parents are assholes, but I know that others here think about that a lot. For me, this is a better home than I ever had, for Dallon and some others as well. But many think otherwise. Pete is happy to be here, but at the same time, he thinks a lot about his siblings and parents. I don't know about you, but you seem to be someone who doesn't have a lot of family, but therefor is very close with the family members he has."
I swallowed my tears as I thought of my mum and nodded.
"Just my mum and I. Dad left years ago."
I shook my head and clung closer to him as I felt tears overwhelm me again. Shit. This was the third or fourth time on the first day, the second time in front of a patient. What the fuck was wrong with me now? Couldn't I just ... I dunno, keep myself together.
"It's gonna be okay", he whispered quietly, pulling me closer and letting me cry into his shoulder, rubbing my back comfortingly.
"D-don't leave ...", I begged, not caring if I sounded clingy or childish.
"I won't. I promise you that I won't."
Chapter 2: I'm not weird ... 100% ... 90% ... Shut up!
PoV: Gerard Way (My Chemical Romance)
I pulled Frank outside in the small park that was accessible for us, but Frank seemed stiff, hanging his head low and looking at the ground.
"Social Anxiety?", I guessed.
Frank shook his head an looked at me briefly.
"Borderline. Depression. Anorexia Nervosa."
"That sucks, man. Let me guess, suicidal?"
He nodded again. I got scared for his life, the memory of Ryan killing himself about 8 months ago still very present in my mind. I didn't want the same to happen again, to suffer all the pain one more time.
"Can I hug you?", I asked on, not wanting to frighten him.
He just looked at me surprised, like I had asked him about sex. I would ask him about that too, but not now. Obviously not today. But then Frank shrugged.
I smiled softly and came closer, wrapping my arms around him and pulling him in a tight hug.
I could feel his body relax a little as he hid his face in his shoulder.
"You know, the psychiatry is a good place, actually. Nobody here will bully you or anything in that direction, almost everybody has experienced that in high school. The doctors are chill, as well as the nurses. There's no need to put yourself down all the time. I know that you can't help it, everybody here thinks low of themselves, but you should know that the most important point here is that we don't exclude others. Not because of their sexual orientation, not because of their origins, or their religion. It doesn't matter how they look or what they believe in. The only people who will suffer here are arrogant, homophobic bitches", I tried to tell him, to make him feel a little better.
When he didn't say anything, I continued:
"The hardest part is leaving your family, I know. I mean, I don't, because my brother is here and my parents are assholes, but I know that others here think about that a lot. For me, this is a better home than I ever had, for Dallon and some others as well. But many think otherwise. Pete is happy to be here, but at the same time, he thinks a lot about his siblings and parents. I don't know about you, but you seem to be someone who doesn't have a lot of family, but therefor is very close with the family members he has."
He nodded, swallowing.
"Just my mum and I. Dad left years ago."
I nodded, understanding his situation and feeling that he did already miss her a lot.
He shook his head as he clung closer to me. Then he started to shake badly, I could feel my shirt become wet.
"It's gonna be okay", I whispered, knowing very well that it wasn't always true, but believing that he would feel better here.
Then I slowly pulled him closer, letting him cry while I rubbed his back.
It broke my heart to see the new kid so broken, so defenseless as he cried into my shoulder, trying to keep quiet.
"D-don't leave ...", he begged.
"I won't. I promise you that I won't", I promised, kissing his hair carefully.
He relaxed a little bit instantly and got more comfortable for his height, wrapping his arms around my waist to hold me close while I tightened my grip around him, rubbing his back.
'This time I won't fail', I mostly told myself, or better said, the other three in my head.
You see, I had multiple personalities, that was the main reason why I got here. They weren't bad, though, over the last years I got really close with them. They were three best friends that I always had around, that I never needed to call when I needed help or just wanted somebody to talk to. I didn't want them to disappear and when I told the doc that I felt safer with them around, he simply said that I'd have to stay here longer, but he wouldn't try to get rid of them. It was clear that he couldn't let me go without making sure that I got control over myself, which now, I honestly still didn't have. I didn't even know if maybe, there were other personalities, that I didn't know of, because sometimes it sure felt like it. For example I sometimes flipped out, during sketching or so and I couldn't explain why. I wasn't mad and the others that I knew weren't either. It was kinda terrifying not to know who was in your head, but until now, nothing bad had happened because of that mystery.
'Please don't talk yourself down like that, Gerard', G warned me in my head, taking the father role once again.
He was the calmest of all in my head, always reasonable and trying to keep everyone relaxed. If I got a problem I could always talk to him without being made fun of. He didn't take over control over my body though, because he didn't like to talk to strangers.
It was cold in the room, especially without any clothes. He had just gone out to have a smoke, leaving Mikey and me behind. In the last break, I had managed to call the police and tell them what was happening, but I couldn't get out the address before he got back and I had to hide the old phone, not hanging up though. Now when I looked at it I saw that the police had hung up on me, but I couldn't say whether they thought I just wanted to prank them or if they were on their way to help us. Maybe they had found the phone ... Probably they thought I was one of the annoying teenagers, trying to fool them.
"G-Gee?", Mikey asked quietly, his voice shaking badly. He curled up on himself in a darker corner, his face completely pale as he tried to control his breathing. Slowly, I walked over to him, wrapping my arms around his fragile body and holding him close. His skin was ice cold, when my lips brushed over his forehead. Mikey didn't seem to care about the missing warmth of me, he relaxed against my chest and wrapped his arms around my torso. Hot tears ran over his cheeks as he tried to hold them in desperately.
"Sh, Mikey, help is coming."
At least that was what I hoped.
My little brother wanted to answer something when the door got opened again.
"Stay strong, little bro."
'Gerard Arthur Way!', G shouted at me, snapping me out of the flashback.
'Sorry', I mumbled.
'It's alright, don't apologize to me. Just seemed to be a pretty intense flashback.'
'You can say that out loud.'
G chuckled quietly, making me crack a small smile at well. Of course he wouldn't say it out loud, not only because Frank was around, but because he knew that I didn't want to look too crazy in front of others, especially when they were cute, in my arms and so comfy ...
I heard G sigh. It was kinda annoying that they could all see in my head to read my thoughts, but G couldn't disagree with me, even though he was straighter than straight. Luckily he didn't give a shit that I always talked about other guys. And he really couldn't say that Frank wasn't cute.
To calm down my shaken up mind again, I tried to focus on Frank's shallow breathing as his sobs subsided and only silent tears were left to pour out. He didn't seem to have noticed my absent thoughts or my speeding heartbeat that seemed to come from nothing at all. Lucky me.
Once I had calmed down my heart and breath again, I could hear footsteps coming closer. Looking up I saw Mikey starting to run in our direction, stopping short when he reached us and taking in the situation. Frank didn't even realize that somebody was standing behind him, until my brother spoke quietly: "What's wrong, Frank?"
The shorter one tensed up immediately, clinging to my shirt harder and Mikey noticed as well, placing a hand on Frank's shoulder.
"No stress, lad, you don't have to tell me. Just relax, no need to worry right now. You should simply know that you can talk to me or anybody, that there's nothing to be embarrassed about, okay?"
Frank relaxed again, but didn't loosen the grip on me. Not that I wanted him to, either. After that memory I could need the hug Frank was unintentionally offering me.
Mikey looked at us for a second, then he wrapped his arms around Frank's waist, suprising me as much as he surprised him. My brother wasn't exactly known for becoming touchy with people he didn't trust - and trust could be a big issue with him.
But the hug didn't last long, anyways, before Mikey pulled back to ruffle Frank's hair and walked over to me, leaning down - because he was freaking taller than me! - to kiss my cheek brotherly. I leaned against the soft touch, letting my guard fall down, revealing the lost boy I always was inside. Mikey shook his head, pushing some hair out of my face, as gentle as possible.
"Stay strong, big bro."
The memories of the flashback came back up, too quick to let me build my inner wall back up.
Luckily I managed to hold back the tears threatening to spill over for now, but when Mikey kissed my forehead, that was too much.
One single tear found its way down my cheek, although still I fought the others back. My little brother didn't say anything, just wiped the tear away with his thumb, resting his hand on my cheek for a second.
I couldn't say to whom he said it, but when he wrapped his long arms around Frank and me, I turned my head a little so it was hidden in the crook of his neck, letting another tear escape. I knew he could feel it, but right now, I frankly didn't give a shit.
'Don't push yourself so much ... Just take your time for once.' G begged, but hell no, I wasn't going to let somebody else down simply because I was feeling like shit.
G scoffed, but didn't say anything, knowing it was a lost fight, while Mikey gently tugged Frank and me along towards my room.
Frank didn't look up, luckily, so he couldn't see my face. I knew that my eyes were bloodshot and my cheeks were reddish, it honestly looked kinda like I was sick. It felt like it as well.
Once Mikey was sure that Frank and I were sitting safely on the bed and that I had stopped crying, so we could be left alone, he wandered off, closing the door carefully behind himself. He knew that neither Frank nor I wanted to be seen in such state and would be just fine with each other.
Frank sat next to me, not crying anymore, but looking nothing but exhausted.
"Hey, c'mere", I offered, patting my lap for him to lay down, longing for his warmth.
He smiled a little shyly, but let himself sink down, closing his eyes, while I started singing quietly.
'She's got a smile that it seems to me, reminds me of childhood memories where everything was as bright as the light blue sky. Now and then when I see her face, she takes me away to that special place and if I stare too long, I'll probably break down and cry.'
When I looked back down at him, he had fallen asleep already. I reached out for my blanket to put it over him, tucking him in and grabbing an old comic next to my bed, starting to read.
About two hours later, I felt him stir a little, but he didn't fully wake up as I looked back at the comic. It wasn't really great, but not too bad either. Party, the craziest personality in my head, made stupid comments about every single girl, about their looks, their style, their make-up. He was quite a macho when it came to impressing girls, luckily there weren't any female patients in here.
'Ugh, look at that skirt, it's nice and short, but that pattern just ... horrifying...' Party complained once again, in the whiniest pitch possible for him.
'I know. Flower pattern for that age, right?'
Party laughed quietly, as I turned the page.
Just when my eyes scanned over the first picture, Frank started to move in my lap and slowly open his eyes. He looked adorable.
"You awake?", I asked, making him flinch, before he jerked away from me, looking terrified.
"Are you okay?"
"I-I'm so sorry for falling asleep like that."
Party cooed in my head.
"No, no, don't apologize! It's alright, I would be more worried if you hadn't been able to sleep."
At least he stopped looking so terrified.
"You could've moved me away."
"I didn't expect you to be so scared of me. I just thought you needed a hug and honestly, I kinda wanted to have somebody close for some time ...", I admitted.
"Why me?", he asked quietly.
"Because you looked exhausted and needed some comfort. And I knew that you weren't in a state to make stupid comments about me ... So if you don't mind you can come back here."
Frank nodded slowly and came closer again, leaning against my shoulder and closing his eyes.
I buried my face in the crook of his neck, breathing out shakily as soon as I realized what weakness I had just admitted. Frank didn't say anything, just placed an arm around me, holding me close.
Just when I was about to put my arm back around him, the door opened and Mikey stuck his head in, coming in fully when he saw we were both awake and not crying, even though he frowned when he saw that we were holding onto each other desperately.
"Feeling better?", he asked, coming over to us and slinging an arm around me.
Frank nodded, blushing a bit, but my brother only seemed content when I gave him a small nod as well.
"Okay then, wanna grab dinner?"
I noticed Frank hesitating and instantly remembered that he'd said something about anorexia ... I turned towards him, giving him my best puppy eyes.
"Please try something ... Just a little ..."
He looked at me confused, probably not expecting somebody to care about his lack of appetite. Then he nodded again, making me smile in victory and pull him along towards the cafeteria, Mikey close on my heels, shouting about needing food.
Just before we'd reached Rian, who gave out today, Frank pulled me back slightly.
"'M lactose intolerant ...", Frank mumbled quietly, obviously ashamed.
I smiled at him reassuringly and told him to wait right there while Mikey and I got the food.
Of course Rian just nodded when I told him that Frank needed lactose free food.
When we got back to him I handed him the tray and started pulling him along to the tables where Gabe, Brendon, Pete, Patrick and Tyler were already sitting.
"So, this is Frank! To everyone who doesn't know."
I smiled at the others and then nodded towards Patrick, deciding to introduce him first.
"This is Patrick, youngest, mother number two, though William is way worse."
Patrick waved at Frank, then turning back to his food. This time he really ate something, he usually didn't eat much. I smiled a little at his success. Just a month before he could barely eat an apple.
"Then there's Pete, don't wake him up and you're just fine with this emo princess."
Pete grinned like crazy, winking at my brother who blushed wildly. Everybody else knew about my brother's crush, although Pete seemed completely oblivious to the situation.
"And last new one is Tyler sleepyhead here."
Tyler smiled a little shyly. I knew that he was very introverted, but also always open to listen to others. Sometimes I thought that he wanted to share his story, but was too scared to do it.
"And yeah, you know the duo over there."
Gabe chuckled and reached out for a high five to which Frank obliged hesitantly. Brendon smiled at the new kid as well.
I noticed how Mikey went to sit next to Patrick, but I couldn't let that happen, so I raced to the empty seat, placing the tray on the table, just before my brother could.
Patrick looked at me while Frank sat down opposite to me, making my plan complete as now Mikey had to sit down next to Pete.
"You are an evil person."
I just laughed and saw that Patrick grinned as well. When Mikey shot me a death glare, even Frank understood what was the problem. He smiled at me, so genuinely that I wondered how any student could ever dislike him so much that he was now so scared of a simple comforting touch.
I winked at my little brother who flipped me off, causing Tyler and Patrick to chuckle.
'They are soooo cute together.' Party beamed in my head.
'They are so stupid not to see the sexual tension between them ...', G sighed, making me crack an even bigger smile.
'Let's hope that when he comes out of that closet he found Narnia and learned how to dress well, so he didn't waste that time in there.', Party joked.
I couldn't hold back anymore and burst out laughing, making everybody look at me, an amused smile on all of their faces.
"What's so funny, Gerard?", Gabe asked, leaning forwards to me, a knowing grin on his lips.
"Party's going wild!", I managed to get out.
While Brendon and Gabe giggled like little children, Frank looked at me, still confused. Of course he was, I hadn't explained yet why I was here.
"Um, I got multiple personalities. One of them is Party, they are kinda crazy and always up for a stupid joke like now. Then there's G, the dad of the group, always trying to stay calm. Last one I know of is Savior, the protector. He used to be a mute soldier and only shows up when I'm in danger."
Frank nodded slowly.
"Used to be?", he questioned.
"Yeah, they all have their own story to tell."
"I like to call them the good, the bad and the dirty", Brendon commented, making me grin.
'Tell him to suck my dick!', Party complained.
"Party wants you to suck their dick!"
"Sure, no big deal. When?"
I jumped back.
"That's my body! Don't you fucking dare!"
Of course everyone started laughing at my outburst, especially Party went crazy in my head.
But suddenly Brendon just stopped, staring at the door. I followed his gaze and saw Dallon standing there, looking tired and a shade paler than usual. He probably hadn't slept well last night. He rarely did.
Slowly Brendon moved over to him.
"Dallon, how are you?"
His usually cheery voice was gone, exchanged by a soft tone, caring and sweet that he only used very few times.
Dallon just shrugged, keeping his gaze fixed on Frank who smiled a little. After a second Dallon returned the smile. Brendon got on his tip toes, wrapping his arms around the taller boy who obviously got a little uncomfortable under the attention he was getting.
I was trying to make it easier for him by turning away, so did Patrick, Pete and Mikey. Gabe, Tyler and Frank focused on the table as well, trying to give the lovers some privacy that especially Dallon wanted. Brendon pulled Dallon along to our table, getting an extra chair for the older one who sat down hesitantly. Slowly Brendon leaned over to give his boyfriend a peck on the cheek, but he blushed badly, starting to squirm away.
"C'mere, Dal, no need to be shy."
Without answering, Dallons stood up again and fled out the door. It was obvious that he was uncomfortable, especially because he didn't even know Frank's name yet.
"What's - oh!", Brendon exclaimed, trying to get up, but Patrick pushed him down again.
"Give him a minute ..."
With that the blonde got up and followed Dallon himself. We all knew that after Brendon, who just fucked up once again, Patrick was closest to him, so it didn't take anybody by surprise.
Brendon looked down at the table, not the joker anymore, but rather a boy that got snapped on by his mother.
Carefully Pete placed a hand on top of Brendon's who hesitantly looked up again. Trying to be as subtle as possible, Pete nodded towards the door that Dallon and Patrick just disappeared through.
"The minute is almost up", he chuckled, smiling softly when Brendon shot him a thankful glance, jumping up to race behind his loved one.
"Brendon's Dallon's boyfriend. They've been together for almost 6 months now, they got together pretty shortly after Dallon arrived here", Tyler explained.
"And the main difficulty is that Dallon suffers from Social Anxiety, as well as a bunch of other stuff", I added, not wanting Frank to know nothing about Dallon, but also not giving away everything.
"But Brendon is a total diva and loves to show his love in front of everybody. Don't worry, they won't even fight ... It's just that Dallon runs away quickly. Usually he just needs a minute to calm down again, but when Brendon's pulling his corny or rather horny card, every bad thing is forgotten. They really love each other", Pete told Frank, eating on as if nothing had happened.
"And once they made up, Brendon tells everybody about the sex they had", Mikey complained, causing everybody to laugh.
Tyler shook his head, looking at Frank.
"You don't wanna hear about that, believe me."
Frank looked down to the ground, blushing a little.
"He already told me about screwing a patient. I thought he meant something like a prank war ...", he admitted.
Of course Pete started laughing hysterically, struggling to catch his breath again. Everyone just watched him in amusement.
"Do you need some asthma spray?", I asked jokingly when he bent forwards to get some air in his lungs.
Pete tried to shake his head, but when my brother gave him his inhaler, Pete couldn't hold it anymore, starting to weeze a bit.
"You sure you're good?", Mikey asked, obviously becoming worried.
Pete nodded jerkily, tears streaming down his cheeks. He turned towards my little brother to hide his face in his shoulder. Immediately Mikey wrapped an arm around the older, out of a reflex, blushing like crazy.
I chuckled quietly while Tyler and Frank looked knowingly at each other. Gabe just grinned at the two in front of him. He was just waiting for them to get together so he could shower them in embarrassing stories and love.
It always seemed like Gabe got a little down when he heard about a new couple or a new crush, but then, he got over-exited and happy for them. I didn't know much about his past, but I'd guess that he didn't experience even motherly love when he was younger.
After about five minutes Pete calmed down again, wiping away the tears and sitting back up. Mikey relaxed again, still blushing.
Pete noticed and pinched his cheeks, smiling at him. My brother simply flipped him off, turning away. More carefully now, in a very comforting way, Pete placed a hand on Mikey's shoulder, trying to find out what was the problem - although if he kept being so damn oblivious he would never find out - but the younger one just shook his head, standing up quickly.
"I'm gonna get some water", he choked out.
When he was out the door, basically fleeing from us all, Pete looked at me, worried.
"Did I piss him off?"
I shook my head.
"You know, he was probably just caught off guard", Tyler explained calmly.
"Why would he be?", Pete asked, confused.
"You were really close and he's very insecure about his body, so he ... I'm not sure, but maybe he just thought about all the negative aspects about himself that you could've noticed, but probably didn't", I answered. That wasn't the full truth, but it was partially so.
It was just that he was mostly insecure when his crush was near.
"Anyways, Frank, you said you played the guitar, right?", I asked when we were both done with our dinner.
He nodded slowly.
"Nice ... You wanna tag along to the music room? I saw James earlier, I hope he's still there ..."
A small smile lit up on his face. Grinning myself I stood up, pulling him along, out of the cafeteria.
Once we were out, I turned towards him.
"Thank you for eating. I know it's hard, but you got it. Thank you."
I really knew what it was like having to fight every day to get some food, because the mind just doesn't want any of it. When my brother and I got help, we were both starving, but by now we managed to get back up and enjoy at least smaller dishes, still not able to eat a lot.
Almost nobody here ate regularly or in any way as much as optional for our ages.
When we arrived in front of the music room, James was sitting in front of the room, drinking beer. I could smell that he'd just had a cigarette outside.
He was, just like all the other adults here, such an idol!
"Gerard! Nice to see you again! You brought company ..."
He stood up and smiled at Frank.
"Yeah, this is Frank. You got a guitar for him, right?"
"I sure do. So you don't need my piano skills today?"
"Nah, I found better."
He huffed in annoyance, but smiled, opening the door and letting us inside.
"I got a Fender Strat and a Schecter Custom."
I looked at Frank.
"Which one you want?"
"Strat", he mumbled.
James nodded and came back with a white guitar, giving it to Frank and switching on the amp.
"You need tabs or something?", he asked, holding up his phone.
Frank shook his head and quickly tuned the guitar.
Then he started three chords and I new what he was playing. I mean, who could not know the into of Highway To Hell?
James watched fascinated how Frank's face completely relaxed, all worries forgotten when he played, a bright smile on his lips.
Frank didn't look up, but played a little softer when I started singing the first verse, Party and G humming along in my head.
Luckily, other than me, Party knew all the lyrics, not just the beginning and the chorus.
The solo Frank played rocked, managing to make James and me stare at him in awe.
He'd obviously completely forgotten his shy side, enjoying the music and playing like there was no tomorrow. He ended the song with a last power chord, sliding onto his knees and stopping directly in front of me. I tried hard not to think about the position he was in ...
James applauded him, grinning from ear to ear while I high-fived Frank, who was still smiling.
"That was fucking awesome!", James cheered, high-fiving us both.
"I have to ask you, Frank, can you come back tomorrow and play for DJ? He would love to listen to that."
Frank looked down, seeming to become very insecure about his playing, even though he obviously didn't give a shit while rocking out.
"I'll sing with you again", I offered, hoping he'd say yes.
It had been incredible to sing with him and Party, as well as G, had enjoyed it just as much.
Slowly, Frank nodded and I beamed, pulling him up and hugging him tightly.
James smiled at us.
"That's great! You two make a good combination. You should do that more often ..."
Just as I was about to answer something, the door opened and Nikki, the head of this institution, entered, grinning.
He was probably one of the worst and best idols here, after he almost died twice because of his heroin addiction, but then managed to kick the bad habit.
"I heard AC/DC! You played it?", he asked Frank who nodded shyly.
"It sounded awesome! DJ needs to hear it when he comes!"
I chuckled, but Frank blushed deeply. Nikki didn't seem to care about that. He was used to patients being incredibly shy and self-conscious, no matter how cool they really were.
"Anyways, James, you got a minute?"
He nodded and looked at us.
"Do you want to play more? I could get Jorel or George ... I just can't leave you here alone ..."
I shrugged, looking at Frank who shook his head.
"Nah, we're good. We'll continue tomorrow."
"It's bedtime, guys. You know that, right?"
Frank and I shrugged again, making the older ones chuckle as they came outside with us, but then walked towards the offices while Frank and I headed down the hallway to our rooms.
Just as Frank was about to enter his, I stopped him.
"I hope it wasn't too bad for a first day here."
He looked down, smiling.
"It was awesome."
"Good. Sleep tight."
With that I put my arms around him again. I couldn't get enough hugs a day. He relaxed against me as I started to stroke his hair.
"See you tomorrow."
I slowly let go of him, waving him goodbye as I walked on towards my own room.
When I lay down in bed, I couldn't stop thinking about Fank.
His bright eyes, his shy smile and his pale skin with a slight blush on his cheeks.
'Already falling, huh?' Party joked.
It had no use to lie to them anyways. Party cooed in my head making me blush badly.
'But that's not all, is it?', G asked.
I sighed in the darkness, turning around so my face was buried in my pillow.
'What if he, I don't know, thinks I'm too clingy, that I'm too crazy, that I'm ...'
One silent tear ran down my face.
'Have you seen him? He's crushing on you so badly that you could be the new Mikey/Pete.'
Party tried to calm my nerves. G just agreed with him - for once. He usually was against anything that the Party liked, for obvious reasons.
I was about to answer them, when the door opened and Mikey came in, coming over to my bed and climbing in.
We never slept apart, and we fought everyone who tried to make us, so it wasn't new to me that he cuddled up my side, laying one arm over my side lazily.
"You good?", I asked, happy that I was able to cover up my own feelings when I noticed how tense he was.
"No ...", he admitted shakily.
"Pete hates m-me", he mumbled, his voice breaking, making me turn around to hug him tightly.
I frowned when I felt my shirt getting ready wet, holding him even closer as he tried desperately to hold back his tears, to bottle up his emotions again.
"No, he doesn't. He was so worried when you got up, he blamed himself. I don't know why you think he changed his mind about you. Did he say something?"
My brother shook his head.
"Then I don't wanna hear from you that he hates or even dislikes you in any way."
Mikey sighed, but nodded, burying his face in my chest and breathing out slowly while I rubbed his back soothingly.
"Thanks. I love you. Couldn't imagine what I'd do without you, honestly."
"Crash and burn."
He chuckled quietly and cuddled closer.
"I love you, too.
Chapter 3: Chapter 3: I'm Sorry, I'm In Love
Just a little warning ahead, there might be some explicit language ... it's Pete.
PoV: Pete Wentz (Fall Out Boy)
Why did Mikey run from me once again? Had I flipped him off somehow? Was he just pissed at me? Of course, Gerard said that nothing was up, but maybe he was just siding with his brother. Did I piss him off, too? Or was it about something else? I didn't believe the shit Gerard told me about the insecurity, because sure, he might be insecure (although I didn't see why), but why only around me? Why not around Frank, who he didn't know? Did he have a crush on the new kid? Hopefully not! You know, because Gerard liked him and ... who was I kidding, I had a crush on that kid! I was fucking jealous of everybody who got close with Mikey without him turning or running away. Which was basically everyone. Why couldn't he stay around me? Why did he hate me so fucking much? What had I done to him?
"Pete, come on! Out of that zone!", William called out, shaking my shoulder.
"Bilvy ...", I stated.
He stared at me and nodded slowly.
"I'm right here. What's wrong?"
"Does he hate me?"
William sighed. He didn't even need to ask who I was talking about.
"No. He has a freaking crush on you, he is scared of you and his own feelings. Just like you are."
I turned my head to look away from him and his fucking understanding and calm expression. In the end I would agree with him. And what did he mean, just like I was, I didn't avoid Mikey! I wanted to spend every free second with him. Okay, I got it, Mikey didn't want that, he probably thought I was clingy as fuck.
"That's not true. You know that it isn't."
William shook his head in disapproval.
"Ever thought that I might be right? Just think of that ... Mikey as your nerdy boyfriend, always clinging to your side, cuddling up to you at night, kissing you awake in the morning, reminding you to go to your sessions just before Zach comes up to you, hugging you close when you need the comfort, letting you shout at him when you get angry without blaming you for it. Just imagine riding towards the sunset with him ... on his weird unicorn ... that he imagined ... okay, I see that it might be strange to sit on the floor, but come on! Even then, having Mikey close to you all the time, being able to make him smile every day, being able to make him scream at night ... oh god, I spent too much time with Gabe! Still, I'm sure that you'd be able to do that. Just imagine that."
I chuckled, glancing at him briefly. In his eyes I could still see the understanding and hopeful glimpse that made me almost freak out. Especially because he was serious! Of course, it wasn't really his problem that I had a crush on Mikey, but still, I was pretty sure that in my situation, he would be too shy to admit his feelings, but cool enough that nobody would ever notice. I couldn't tell if he liked somebody or not. He probably did, because this was William, our romantic role model, there was no way he didn't like somebody. But maybe it was someone he knew before he got here, someone too far away, that was how it wasn't eating him up. He didn't see them around every day, didn't see them talking to others.
"You sound like you're wasted. Like almost shitfaced. Like, only stopped drinking when kicked out of the fifth bar in a row."
"Yeah, alcohol in a psychiatry. For teens. Dream on!"
"Look at our docs ... or the managers and stuff ... not like they are the best idols for us."
He shrugged. I was kinda right, there was a reason the most important people here, leading the psychiatry, were called the "Terror Twins". They knew all about Heroin, Cocaine, not like they could shit talk us for drinking. But they all tried to keep us away from anything like that - because they knew what could happen. They had been there themselves when they or their closest friends got hospitalized for overdose, when they had to suffer the with-drawal or when they woke up after a fucked up night, not being able to remember anything and simply hoping that the police didn't show up to put them in prison. They could understand us a lot better than the nice docs that never had any trouble in life, but sometimes I wondered how they got their jobs. I was sure that drugs weren't a positive aspect in a business where you partially had to get kids away from them.
William stayed quiet as well, staring on the TV, but not really seeming to watch whatever was on.
"Why doesn't Mikey love me?", I asked, in my most childish voice possible.
He just raised an eyebrow, barely looking at me. I knew that I was being annoying, but I didn't give a shit.
"Pete, you have to understand, Mikey can't admit it, just like you can't. He's even shier than you, he's got social anxiety, on a low level, but still, why would he be able to do that? There's no other way out of that eternal misery of asking yourself if he likes you or not, you'll need to tell him yourself and I bet that he'd say yes immediately if you asked him out. If he doesn't faint when you ask that is."
"But I'm scared", I admitted quietly.
"That's completely normal. Everybody is scared of admitting their feelings because it makes you vulnerable - do you have to worry about Mikey, though? I mean, come on, that guy is too nice to insult somebody he's fighting with! Although you see, if you are so freaked out about it, how do you think he feels? He's always been afraid to show what he feels other than towards his brother, why should he ever admit to somebody that he has a crush on them?"
"Does that mean I really have to tell him?"
I looked at him in hopes that he would show me at some point that he was kidding, that I could keep this a secret forever and stay happy. Of course he was totally serious.
"He'll hate me!"
"No, he won't! He doesn't even know what that word means, for God's sake. Why won't you just accept the fact that you'd make a great couple if you'd ask him out."
"He'll know what hate means when I tell him", I disagreed, ignoring his last sentence.
William just was too optimistic for life sometimes He shook his head once again at me, obviously disappointed that I couldn't let the topic go. I'm sorry, but I'm in love!
"Listen to me, Pete, I talked to Gerard around two days ago and we both noticed a while before that you and Mikey were quite awkward around each other. He told me that not even Party, who wants everybody to fuck, or G, who's just trying to make everybody the happiest possible, but also Savior ships you two. Savior!" I laughed a little, looking down at my intertwined hands.
"Savior can't know anything about love."
William chuckled along, hiding his bright smile behind his hand. It was kinda girly ... but that was just William. He had his girly days.
"So it won't be any help if he ships us! Doesn't that mean that Mikey honestly hates me, but Savior doesn't understand it and what if Mikey always runs away because he's freaking annoyed by me and I shouldn't be around him ever?"
"I am sure that Savior knows everything about hate."
Then William just turned towards the TV and focused on whatever was playing on the screen. Now that I followed his gaze, I saw that it was actually a documentary about British crown jewels and the royal family. I knew that William was sometimes interested in a lot of weird stuff, but that didn't look like anything he could ever think about at all.
"Do you really care about that?"
"No ... but it's better than having to listen to you whine about your love for Mikey, but not listening to anything anybody has to say. I cannot tell you the same thing over and over again while you don't care about it, because you don't want to believe that I might be right."
He had a pretty good point there, but I just .... Damn, I didn't even know what I wanted right now. Something was still bothering me in the back of my mind, but I couldn't quiet put my finger on it to tell him what he wanted.
"Please, Bilvy, please, listen!", I begged him.
William sighed and nodded, turning off the TV, then sitting towards me, folding his legs and looking at me expectantly.
"You'll actually listen?", I asked surprised.
He smiled softly, scooting over next to me and placing an arm around my shoulders.
"Of course. I will always listen to one of my best friends, okay? Don't you ever doubt that!"
"Look, Mikey is beautiful, he's incredibly cute, his smile is breathtaking, he's very quiet, he's loyal, he's honest, he's usually extremely cuddly, he looks so fragile, but in the end he could probably kick my ass and he's ..."
William cut me off with a finger on my lips.
"Stop right there. I know that you think about him that way and you should know that I don't, because otherwise I wouldn't help you as well, probably. But please, tell me just what your problem is. Because right now, I don't understand what you need or how I could help you. You love him, I got it, so what's your problem."
I sighed quietly.
"I am the exact opposite! I'm not cute, not honest, I can't even say if I'm loyal or not! Instead of cuddling up to my brother when I see unicorns in the hallway I trash my whole room in an anger fit and let's be honest, that's not fucking cute! That's horrifying! I should scare everybody here while nobody thinks that seeing unicorns is a danger to them."
"You are unpredictable! That's something if you're curious and don't want the same every day. The last time I talked to Mikey he was pretty curious ... You just put yourself down a lot, you need a boyfriend who saves you from that."
"But unicorns are cute. Having to save or hold me back all the time isn't!"
"And do you think Mikey likes that? Imagining magic creatures that he knows are fake all the time and being told he's one of the classic fuck ups that little children describe? Do you really think that anybody in here thinks positive about their disorders or why they are here? Do you think they all like their stories and mental disabilities?"
I looked down again and William scooted even closer, staring at me, still expecting an answer.
"Okay, so let's say, Mikey has indeed a crush on me ...", I started.
William nodded, smiling to himself.
"It's obvious that I would be the worst boyfriend in this psychiatry! I am not the romantic movie night type, I can't light up candles, I am too fucking insecure to tell my crush that I like him!"
"Hey, come on, you could have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. You don't. It would be way more annoying to date somebody who loves his own mirroring more than he loves you."
"Oh God, then you can do nothing but talk about his hairstyle and the new clothes he got. That's just ... annoying!"
Immediately William started laughing, shaking his head.
"This sounds so much like a girls' night! Do you want to make face masks and I don't know, braid your hair? Mostly mine though, because yours is too short, I guess ..."
I cracked a smile at him, lighting up a little again once the topic got off Mikey again, although I really felt a bit better about it, now that I'd whined about him. William smiled at his success and turned the TV back on, but this time to Lord Of The Rings. Then he pulled me closer, but I didn't completely go with him, still a little tense.
"C'mon, relax a little, enjoy the movie, take some deep breaths, cheer up a little. He didn't reject you yet, so stop thinking that he would."
Hesitantly, I nodded, leaning against him and focusing my eyes on the hobbits in front of me. Obviously not happy with me yet, William pulled me even closer, so that I was partially laying on his lap, and started to work his skinny fingers through my hair.
"Stop thinking about it! Please, I want you to calm down, calm your heartbeat. You can't solve that with your missing logic, you have to let your emotions guide you, no matter how scary that sounds to you."
"But my emotions are on a roller coster. All the time! That's why I am here!", I complained, ignoring his comment about missing logic.
"Butterflies in your stomach? Maybe that's all to it ..."
Chuckling, William leaned back, ruffling my hair - ruining my non-existent hairstyle! - continuing to watch the movie with his lips slightly parted. I just closed my eyes, slowly dozing off to the sound of Merry's and Pippin's bickering. They reminded me of Brendon and Gabe ... only that they were both (especially Gabe!) taller than me.
When I woke up, I didn't know where I was, what time it was. Everything was pitch black around me, so I only knew that I wasn't in the lounge, as there was always light there. I listened into the darkness, but there was nothing, indicating that I wasn't in Bilvy's room either. Probably he brought me in my own room, obviously not alone. Maybe Gabe helped him, because that guy would honestly do everything for William. I sure hope that Bilvy didn't tell him what we talked about or I was dead. Very, very dead. Gabe could be really creepy about stuff like that, especially once he got exited and became bored. And right now, he didn't have much to brag about so it was a dangerous time.
Then I actually remembered what I had told William! Whatever he might've told Gabe, I fucking told William a whole bunch of shit that not even my diary would've known if I kept one! He had to be weirded out by me! Had I pushed him away now, too? Who was going to listen to my bullshit now? I couldn't tell Patrick about that! He had enough own problems, not to be bothered by me! But what would happen now? As I thought about everything that could happen, my breathing sped up like crazy, my heart beat faster and faster, my stomach clenched, making me incredibly nauseous.
Actually, I might even really be sick! Holy fucking shit!
Before I made an incredible mess in my room, I raced down the hallway as quickly as possible, making it to the toilet in record time. Luckily nobody else was there.
Hanging over the toilet while my stomach emptied itself, I couldn't help but think again about William's words before. Was he right about the butterflies? Was I just so nervous? Or did I just catch the flu? Why did my heart beat so fast? Did I actually just discover a heart condition? But that was impossible! What was fucking wrong with my body? Just before I could find a solution, everything turned black before my eyes.
The door opening again, woke me up. I drowsily pushed myself into a sitting position against the wall, holding onto my aching head.
"Mind getting painkillers for me?", I asked the mysterious person, not really giving a fuck about who it was.
They could all just go to a doc or nurse to give me something ... I didn't even care what I got, as long as it would be helpful right now.
"Pete? What the fuck are you doing here? What the fuck is wrong? Where were you all morning long?"
A shit, Mikey. Of couse out of all people it had to be Mikey.
Couldn't it have been a doc? That would have been embarrassing as fuck, but less embarrassing than that. On the other hand, William was obviously wrong about Mikey's verbal innocence!
Why did I ask again? Oh yeah, my fucking head!
Slowly the stall door opened and I hated the fact that you could mark them as closed so that nobody would barge in on you, but couldn't lock it due to some security issues. In case of an emergency - they meant suicide attempt, but said emergency anyways - so that the nurses could get to you, bla, bla, bla.
"Oh, Pete, what happened?", he asked quietly, crouching down next to me and touching my forehead gently.
"You don't have a fever, I think, but you honestly look horrible."
"Sure, run away when I look cute, but come when I look shitty", I mumbled sarcastically.
"You look cute with the pale skin and the rosy cheeks, don't worry."
I stared at him in shock. Did he really just do that? He himself seemed to be surprised that he said the words, because he blushed like crazy, turning away slightly. I couldn't let that happen, of course, so I tugged him back towards me.
"Can you help me up? I wanna get out of here ..."
He nodded quickly, obviously happy I didn't point his blush out or what he'd just said, pulling me up and then let me steady myself with an arm around his hip, because I was too small to reach his shoulder. And I wanted to be close to his ... hip bones. Of course!
"Should I get Jorel? Rian? Zach? George?"
I waved him off.
"I'm good. Just my head is killing me ..."
I didn't want him to run off now. "Then you should lay down for a while. C'mon, I'll help you ..."
When we entered my room, Mikey carefully sat me down on my bed, getting up again immediately to close the curtains. I breathed out in relief when the burning sunlight disappeared. As slowly as possible, not to upset my stomach any more, I laid down on the mattress and closed my eyes.
I only opened one again when I heard Mikey rummaging through my room, but he only placed an almost empty trash can next to my pillow.
"Just in case ..." Too tired to argue with him and honestly not sure myself if I still had to throw up, I let him.
But then Mikey turned away from me, walking towards the door and that, I couldn't allow!
He froze immediately, half turning back to look at me.
"C-can you stay?", I asked quietly, ashamed of my question.
Why was I so freaked out? With most others I would've just grabbed their arms, not letting them leave, but I felt like I had to ask Mikey and be afraid of his reaction ... something really weird was going on here. I was going completely crazy - oh, wait, I already was!
Luckily he didn't object at all, just nodded and sat down on my bed, patting my hair softly. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him closer to me, cuddling up to him. He tensed up, but didn't try to break free, which I counted as a victory. Usually, he'd run away quickly, not looking at me at all and stuttering about some stupid excuse. Let me just point out the water before in the cafeteria.
"Why have you been avoiding me?"
I didn't really mean for that question to come out loud, but it was the only thing that was in my head right now. I wanted to know what I did wrong, what I had to do to make him stick around me for longer and not leave. If it meant that I could almost never leave my room again because he wanted me to stay here with him, I would be happy to do that, just like Joe did for Andy, who had Social Anxiety on the highest level. Not like Dallon, run away when getting attention, no but running away when others are even close. Hell, Andy didn't even talk to his own mother, only Joe managed to get through that wall. They knew each other since they were toddlers, so it didn't really surprise me or anybody else in here.
Mikey just shrugged.
"I don't have a very good reason, I guess. Can't really explain it."
"Did I do something?"
Mikey's eyes shot open immediately and he stared at me.
"No, no, no, why would you think that? You didn't do anything! I am the fuck up here ...", he exclaimed, whispering the last part although I still heard every word.
"Why would you be a fuck up?", I asked quietly, looking him in the eyes, until he turned his head away slightly.
"It doesn't matter right now ... it never matters."
"Yes, it does! You shouldn't put yourself down and I wanna help you! And I still wanna know why you avoided me ... it is very important."
"I was just ... confused, I guess. I don't know ..."
Hell, was William right about his crush on me in the end?
"Confused? Oh, that's the Wentz-Syndrome. Confusion, sleepiness and hunger as well as boredom and emotional distress."
Now Mikey smiled softly at me, his eyes sparking a little again.
"There are side-effects ..."
"Side effects that include killing William if he was wrong."
Mikey raised an eyebrow.
"What about William?"
"Oh well, he said something about you and I really hope he was right because otherwise I have to move to Australia and live there alone until I am old, grey and dying."
And with that I moved closer, slowly pressing my lips to his.
For a second, Mikey hesitated, but then he grinned against my lips, deepening the kiss. Immediately I let my arm wrap around his neck to pull him even closer, pressing my body against his. But suddenly a wet drop on my cheek made me open my eyes and look at him. Once I saw the tears spilling from Mikey's eyes, I broke the kiss, pulling back. Maybe I had been too straight forward even though I was sure that Mikey was crying out of joy. Instead of kissing him, I decided to hug him close to me, interlacing our hands and letting him hide his face in my shoulder. But not a minute after, Mikey turned his face up again to kiss my chin as he couldn't quite reach my lips. This would probably be the only time where I could hold him like that seeing as he was usually taller than me.
"Looks like I don't need to kill William."
"Shut up and kiss me, idiot!"
"But you know, I was almost sure that you didn't like me and that everything had just blown up and I should already get to the airport to move to Australia"
Mikey groaned in annoyance and leaned up to push his lips against mine now, wanting nothing more than for me to shut my mouth.
'I'm sorry, but I can't help talking when I'm fucking freaking out.' I thought to myself.
"I had no idea ...", Mikey mumbled, making me realize that I had just said that out loud. Real smooth ...
"But you know, you simply have to calm the fuck down. Everything's alright, it's just you and me, okay?", he continued as softly as possible.
Then he kissed me again, slower, more delicate, careful. I couldn't help, but to relax and smile against his lips.
"You know, since the first day we met I couldn't help but wanting to make you smile at me. You rarely did. Now I won't let you get away with it, I promise. You're gonna smile for me every single fucking day and I don't care if I have to tickle you for hours or watch stupid girls' movies, I will not go to sleep with you unhappy the whole day! I want you to be happy and now that you finally won't run away all the time, I can make that happen. At least if you let me ... please ... I have watched my crush talk himself down too long without being able to help you, I will not go through that again."
During that speech I had started to close my eyes, but a small whimper made me look right back at the blonde who was clearly desperately trying to stay composed as tears poured down his cheeks. Instead of saying anything, I just pulled him closer to my chest again, where he clung to my shirt, taking deep breaths to calm himself down again. Slowly my hand moved down to his hips, playing with the waistband of his jeans, making him chuckle, soon breaking off into loud, carefree laughter. Even though that hadn't been my intention, it was the nicest sound I ever heard and I could totally live with him laughing at me. He looked a lot younger when he was happy, but only cuter. For a second, nobody could've guessed all the shit he'd been through, everything seemed to be normal. Okay, maybe a little gay, but normal. When he relaxed again, he simply looked down, kissing my cheek.
That was when I noticed something odd - the door closed quietly. But I didn't leave it open ... why did it close? Somebody had to be watching us - probably Gabe or Brendon. Maybe it was Gerard who came looking for Mikey ... but I doubted it. Especially once I heard quiet snickering. Gerard would've just closed the door and moved on, but of course, Gabe and Brendon couldn't.
"There's somebody behind the door."
"I bet it's Brendon."
"Can you get them to leave? You're on top of me so I can't move ..."
"A, it's your room and B, I can't have them see me! No matter if I'm feeling good or bad, I won't let them see the tears on my cheeks. My eyes are still red ... I can't do that."
I sighed, wiping over his cheek and kissing his other, before climbing out from underneath him to open the door.
Of course I was greeted with Gabe and Brendon giggling like crazy, struggling to catch their breath.
"How's shit doing?", Gabe asked, starting to laugh louder.
"It was great, but then I heard you two."
That answer made Brendon break into hysteric laughter. He bent over, trying to take in at least one deep breath.
"Seriously, what do you want?", Mikey asked, still coming up to us, but I could see that he'd spent the minute wiping his face and trying to cover up his eyes as good as possible.
"We made a fucking bet on you! And I won! I said the first day you got together, Pete would have his hand down your pants. He did!", Brendon tried to explain.
"You fucking bet on us? Fuck of! That's some stalker issue here!"
The two of them just started laughing harder while Mikey and I shared a knowing gaze. It wasn't really surprising to us, because Gabe was our psychiatry's personal stalker. He was looking for anything to brag about, anything interesting and he loved nothing more than stalk couples. Brendon had to go through it, but now he'd joined his side. Looked like Mikey and me were their new victims for now, obviously being more interesting than Frank and Gerard. Or maybe they just didn't wanna scare Frank off already.
To make this situation even better, now one of our doctors, Jorel, had decided that he wanted to make a tour around and check if everything was alright. Of fucking course!
"So, kiddos, what's up?"
He scanned over all four of us.
"What's wrong, Mikey?", he asked, seeing the red eyes and bending down a little to come on his eye level.
Only now Gabe and Brendon looked at Mikey and gasped as they hadn't seen it before. Brendon seemed to look a little guilty.
"You okay, Mikes?", Gabe asked, completely serious now. Only his red face proved that he had a laughing fit seconds ago.
Trying to black out the questions and their worried expressions, Mikey turned towards me, hiding his face in the crook of my neck, now having to lean down again in order to get there. Immediately I wrapped an arm around his face, kissing his temple as it was no use trying to pretend we weren't in love in front of the three of them (two already knew and Jorel didn't give a shit anyways).
Jorel tensed up noticeably and moved forwards to us a bit.
"It's alright, Mikey, everything is just fine, take a deep breath and relax."
That was when I realized that Jorel must have thought Mikey was scared out of his mind to become socially anxious.
"Can you all fuck off so that I can fuck my boyfriend?", I asked, getting a little louder than I expected.
Gabe, Brendon and Jorel flinched a little, but then Jorel relaxed completely, chuckling and nodding slowly.
I could feel Mikey burn up against the skin of my neck. Maybe I should've thought about it more before I said it, but I was impatient ...
"Yeah, alright, use protection, you two."
With that Jorel pressed something in my hand, but I didn't look at it, just flipping him off.
"Now, come on, leave us alone!"
Jorel nodded, smiling brightly, and turned away to leave.
"Gabe. Brendon. Let's give them some time ..." I shot him a thankful glance, earning a thumbs up, as he walked away with the two patients.
When they were away, Mikey took my hand and lead me back in the room, pushing me down on the bed. Only now I looked down at my hand to see what Jorel had given me. When I saw the packed condom, I looked at Mikey briefly, both of us starting to laugh at the same time once we realized that our fucking doctor gave that to us ... Wait, that meant that he had it with him ... why?
Guess I would never find out because that was definitely something not to ask in your sessions ...
Chapter 4: You Can't Bring Me Down - Don't Even Bother To Try
I am soooo sorry for taking so long, thanks for waiting!
My only explanation is that I had stress in school in the new year and couldn't get my ass up to write.
But anyways, here's the next chapter ... I hope you like it.
PoV: Brendon Urie (Panic! At The Disco)
As soon as I'd opened the door to Pete's room, I closed it again, trying to hold in my laughter. The scenery in the room was simply too adorable ... Mikey giggling like a young teenage girl while Pete's hand was, well, down there. The interesting area, you know. I honestly couldn't tell when the last time was that I saw Mikey so happy and careless. Probably never since I met him the first day. Mikey wasn't exactly known for being happy or able to show his emotions around others, so it wouldn't surprise me. It wouldn't even surprise me if Gerard hadn't heard his laughter in years, although that was incredibly sad. Honestly, it was very rare that Gerard - not Party! - was laughing as well. These two had been through too much to be careless and able to enjoy everything, so they mostly sulked by themselves, staying close together and always watching everybody that got too close to them.
"What got you so girly? You look like you've just been asked out on a date, but that didn't happen, because you already fuck with Dallon so why date, right?", Gabe suddenly asked out of nowhere. He appeared behind me, smiling sheepishly while he placed his arm around my shoulders.
"Well, you probably can guess it, I'm standing in front of his room, but let's just say that Pete and Mikey are in a rather compromising position! On the bed ... And they look really, really happy. Like we-don't-give-a-fuck-anymore-happy! Even Mikey looks so relaxed ..."
Of course the overly mature Gabe starting giggling immediately. Not that my dirty mind was any better in this point ...
"Do you mean, Pete has already his hand down Mikey's pants? After what, an hour?"
I nodded, smiling brightly. I totally shipped the two since months. It had been so obvious that Mikey was crushing on Pete who himself couldn't help but staring at the younger one all the time. It was a surprise that it took them so long to find each other. Probably they both didn't think that they could be liked, because even though that isn't true, they had a very low self-esteem, just like most other patients.
"So, I guess that means that I lost the bet, right?", Gabe admitted quietly, his grin not fading at all.
"Come on, it was so freaking clear that they wouldn't wait until the third date!", I laughed, patting him on the shoulder.
Gabe shrugged, becoming more serious now. His eyes still had the same happy spark in them, though.
"I just thought that Mikey would want to wait a bit ... he doesn't seem like the kind of guy to rush things."
"No, they were ready to jump each other. Even Mikey didn't have any walls built against Pete by now."
"But you know, after being raped ... I just ..."
This talk was becoming too serious for my liking, so I shot Gabe a quick look that made him flinch a little.
"Sorry, just ... doesn't matter..."
Gabe shrugged again, clearly not knowing how to finish that thought.
"I'm just happy for Mikey, actually. I know that he really likes Pete and this is awesome for him. They are soooo cute together", he continued.
"Totally. You know what Pete likes most in a guy."
"He loves Mikey's eyes, let's face it. Maybe also the hair, but I don't really think that Pete would care about that."
"I was more going towards his dick, but sure, Mikey's eyes."
Gabe stared at me for a second, then he started laughing, every bad thought forgotten again.
I grinned at him, then started laughing, too. Soon enough, we both barely could hold us together, laughing like maniacs. By now it was impossible that Pete and Mikey wouldn't notice us.
That was when Pete opened the door, raising his eyebrows at us and smirking slightly. We could annoy him right now, he wouldn't flip, just because Mikey was so close to him. Mikey was simply our only protection from Pete's fist at the moment, although I couldn't see him in the room. He probably stayed in bed while Pete had to flip us off, which was probably why Pete was acting kind of nervous, glancing behind him every now and then. Still, it was relaxing to know that we wouldn't get beaten up.
While Pete was staring at us, I struggled to catch a breath, trying to get some air in my hurting lungs. My chest tightened painfully, but it was a nice kind of pain, knowing that it came from laughter only. Usually I got this feeling only from anxiety attacks. Pete seemed to be slightly amused by the picture of Gabe and me trying to breathe normally while giggling like youngsters.
"How's shit doing?", Gabe asked, only to laugh louder again, now that he didn't have to fear about Pete hearing him. It was too late for that anyways.
"It was great, but then I heard you two."
Pete's cold answer made me laugh even harder, my body caving in to get some air, at least one breath. My knees started to give in as well and the floor came closer, but I still managed to somehow stand my ground. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Gabe grinning, but he stepped closer to me, holding his hands out for me to hold on.
Then suddenly Mikey appeared behind Pete, rolling his eyes at us. Something seemed off about him, but I couldn't place it. However, he was still smiling brightly.
"Seriously, what do you want?", the young blonde asked, shaking his head as if he didn't really want to know about it. He was probably scared of us answering something about porn, stalking or sexual tension and honestly, I couldn't blame him for thinking about that. These were usually our standard answers, even if we didn't catch two in bed together.
"We made a fucking bet on you! And I won! I said the first day you got together, Pete would have his hand down your pants. He did!", I struggled to explain as soon as my laughter calmed down a little again, so I could at least breathe probably. The pain in my chest started to settle down again slowly.
"You fucking bet on us? Fuck off! That's some stalker issue here!", Pete complained, but Gabe and I just had to laugh harder again. It was a miracle we hadn't passed out by now and that Pete hadn't beat us up already.
But Pete and Mikey just looked at each other, obviously not surprised about it. It was known that Gabe liked to do shit like this and of course I was in for it. Pete could understand it best, seeing as usually, when he wasn't the subject, he tagged along with us quite often, enjoying to creep out others.
Of course, now was the time that Jorel walked around for his daily tours to check on patients and came up to us, smiling brightly. He was one of the doctors who decided that he couldn't trust us alone for a few hours, which was why he always walked around to watch us when he didn't have any sessions. I didn't understand why he was willing to take that trouble on him instead of sleeping, playing computer games or reading, but he seemed to really like the job, so I wasn't going to question him. From what I was used to, most people didn't care at all, but Jorel cared a lot about everybody. Except for himself ...
"So, kiddos, what's up?"
He looked us all over for a second, then the smile suddenly faded, when his gaze stopped on Mikey, who was pressing a little too close to Pete.
"What's wrong, Mikey?"
Now that he pointed something was wrong out it, I really looked at Mikey more closely and gasped when I noticed his reddish eyes. I honestly felt incredibly guilty about not noticing it earlier. I thought he would be happy with Pete, I assumed that everything was alright, but apparently Pete had mostly tried to cheer him up or something, which would also explain why he looked so nervous earlier. He was worried how Mikey was doing.
"You okay, Mikes?", Gabe asked, all joy wiped off his face and he was completely serious. No matter how much fun we made of other patients, we always wanted them to be safe and as content as possible when you were in a psychiatry. Of course we never wanted to hurt somebody or ignore their current emotional state. We just didn't see it, assuming that Mikey would be the happiest person on earth when he was with Pete.
Instead of answering, Mikey turned away from us all, hiding his face in Pete's neck. He was obviously uncomfortable under all the attention that he was getting, but he would never tell us to shut up or go away, he would just hide and hope for the best. His lover wrapped an arm around him, kissing his temple softly, trying to comfort him again. Obviously still taking it slow, Pete started to run a hand through the blonde's hair.
It was almost too cute to stand and I awed internally, looking over to Gabe and the ever so tough Jorel, both with similar expressions on their faces. Although then Jorel tensed up again and stepped forwards a little, frowning at the younger blonde. Even though the romance slowed him down, he obviously didn't believe that Mikey would just be okay, simply because Pete got his arms around him. Although from own experience I could say, a hug (especially from your lover) could do magic in that matter. A simple trick why Dallon and I stuck together before sessions, just so we wouldn't worry the doctors with our weird brains. We didn't even need to talk to ease our minds.
"It's alright, Mikey, everything is just fine, take a deep breath and relax."
Pete shook his head slowly and stared at us as if we were the most hilarious idiots on this planet.
"Can you all fuck off so I can fuck my boyfriend?", he asked, getting louder and louder, making Gabe, Jorel and me flinch.
Of course, after the first shock, Jorel started chuckling and nodded. Gabe and I looked at each other, grinning widely. We could see Mikey blush badly against Pete's skin, probably wanting to kill Pete for his tongue right now. Not that this was an unusual thought, almost everybody had wanted to kill Pete at some point, only Frank was still innocent, because he had only known him for a day. And most of that time was spent sleeping or in Pete's case, with Mikey. Still, maybe Frank actually already wanted to kill Pete ...
"Yeah, alright, use protection, you two", Jorel stated, pressing something in Pete's hand. It was probably a condom or something, not what you would expect from a doctor, but Jorel was cool enough to do something like that, just like the other doctors. We really couldn't complain about the professionals here.
Pete didn't even look down at it, not caring about what he'd just received. If he would, he would probably die of embarrassment - at least Mikey would. So he decided to flipp us off once again. By now we were basically used to this gesture of him.
"Now, come on, leave us alone!"
Jorel nodded, still smiling and turned away from the room, waving us over to him.
"Gabe. Brendon. Let's give them some time."
He winked happily as he made us follow him down the hallway.
As soon as we were out of ear shot, I looked at Jorel with raised eyebrows.
"What did you give him? Condoms?"
Jorel grinned at me, winking again.
"Of course. They need it more than I do. Besides, I can go out to buy some, you are stuck here and nothing cures as good as sex. So, yeah, if you ever need some, ask me."
Gabe and I looked at each other, giggling again. Our doctor just shook his head, mumbling something about "children".
Then he greeted Rian who was just walking past us and started talking to him while we went in the lounge to the others, even though almost nobody was there at this time.
There were only two guys in the lounge, Adam and Andy, playing a game of cards. They both looked towards us when we entered, Adam grinning widely.
"What the fuck happened to you? You look like you ran a marathon or something ..."
Gabe giggled quietly, so I took it as my job to tell them the story of the new couple:
"Well, we're just really happy ... you know, Pete and Mikey are ... well, they were in one bed ... in an interesting position ..."
Andy smiled at us, giving me a thumbs up. He always enjoyed hearing about stuff like that so it didn't seem like he never spent time with us.
"They took their sweet time just staring at each others' asses."
"Totally", I agreed, while Gabe walked over to sit next to Adam, checking out his cards curiously. Nobody ever wanted to play with him because of this habit.
"Oh my God, Sisky, you're so screwed!", he chuckled, using Adam's nickname that he had received after his last name, Siska. It just sounded cooler than Adam and the only other jokes we could get out of his name had to do with Adam and Eve, so, being the gayest psychiatry ever, we couldn't hear it anymore. Adam and Eve. Adam and Steve. Adam and Leave. This list goes on and on. Some of us had heard this from their friends, their families, their teachers, random strangers on the streets. At some point, we all had heard it, even the straight ones.
"Shut up, Gabe! Andy doesn't need to know that!"
Andy just looked up, seemingly not very pleased with the information Gabe had theoretically given him. He knew this situation too well to be happy.
"Yeah, right, you probably have the best deck ever."
Gabe shook his head, turning away from Adam again to look around the room and study some of the books lying around here. His main problem was that he couldn't concentrate on something for longer. I could understand it all too well, seeing as I suffered from the same disorder, but by now I could control it for the durance of this talk ... It wasn't why I was here anymore ... I came here originally only for vacation, but then there was Ryan and the doctors asked me to stay here to help him. When he ... well, when he was gone, they didn't trust me on my own again because of depression and stuff like that. It didn't matter to me, I didn't get along with my parents all too well, so I preferred to stay here with the cool kids anyways. Jorel probably knew that when he told me he would like to keep me here ...
"Don't worry, Andy, it could be better."
Now also intrigued by the game, I went over to sit next to Andy, checking out his cards. They weren't the worst cards in the world, but he was probably right about Adam having more luck than him. There was a very small chance of Andy winning now.
"So, what do you guys think of Frank?", I asked, ignoring Andy's glaring towards Gabe, who didn't even notice that, completely.
Adam and Andy looked at me confused, raising their eyebrows, their game forgotten.
"Who the heck is Frank?", Andy asked me quietly.
"You haven't met him yet?"
Andy shook his head slowly, while Adam seemed to think about something. He probably tried to remember if he had met him, seeing as he was amnestic and sometimes had trouble with remembering situations. Although if Andy hadn't met him, Adam probably hadn't either, because the two were attached to each other. I honestly still doubted they weren't dating, no matter how often they said they were both straight. Most people couldn't believe that a boy and a girl could be friends without dating, well, I didn't believe that for two boys or two girls, at least when they got very close ... like, never leaving each others' sides close. That state where they could finish each others' sentences and all.
"Is Frank that new kid with black hair who was with Gerard yesterday?", Adam asked, obviously having seen him before and not being able to find another name to his face. Also, he was too young to be a parent and we usually could identify brothers. Of course then were only two options: friends from school (which was rare, we were all outsider emo kids) or new patients, because let's be honest, no cousins or so ever visited.
Gabe nodded, pointing out something in Adam's deck for him, probably a good card or set.
"Well, I can't tell you what I think of him, I haven't met him. I didn't even see him around yesterday ...", Andy shrugged, concentrating back on his cards. It was a wonder that he wasn't with Adam when he had seen Frank. Probably Adam had gone to the bathroom or something similar.
"You know, Gerard seemed to be happier around him. From what I've seen, at least", Adam added thoughtfully, smiling a little again.
"Maybe it was just Party ... you never know about that", Andy pointed out. Party was a careless personality, the one who shot smiles at everybody.
Adam simply shrugged. He didn't want to be proven wrong about his happy theory that Gerard, like his little brother, would start to open up now. They both had mostly stayed amongst themselves until now, not being as isolated as the other Andy, but definitely not really trusting any of us either.
"Doesn't matter to me, he looked happy."
"Do you think he already knows Joe and Andy number 2?", Gabe asked, focusing back on our talk again, probably bored by the books.
"I don't think so", I answered, "I mean, if he doesn't even know Sisky and Andy here, then he probably didn't meet Andy either except for if he messed up the rooms which is unlikely, there are name tags on the doors. And seeing that Joe's always with Andy, I don't think he met any of them."
"You're right. He only arrived yesterday ...", Gabe agreed slowly.
Adam chuckled, pushing his curly blonde fringe out of his eyes.
"And then he's already spinning Gerard's head right round."
Of course, he provoked me to start singing: "You spin my head right round, right round ..."
"Oh, shut up, B!", Andy complained, trying to hit me, but I managed to get out of his reach quickly. Smiling brightly I continued to sing as I danced away from him.
Andy shook his head and jumped out of his chair, trying to chase me as I started to sprint from the lounge to save my life. If Andy got me, he would definitely bring me down, he was way stronger than me and an inch taller. Not that one inch really mattered, with my hair I was taller anyways, but still ...
I only stopped when I ran against Frank, apologising immediately, but Frank only snickered quietly, promising me that it was fine. I could totally understand why Gerard was melting for him.
"What are you doing here, Brendon?"
"I am running from evil!"
I turned to look behind me to see that Andy hadn't caught up with me yet, although I honestly doubted that he stopped looking for me. He wouldn't let me get away with it so easily.
"Frankie, can I hide in your room? Please ..."
"Yeah ... sure ... go on!"
Smiling thankfully, I reached to open his door, but that was when Gabe caught up with me, pinning me down and grinning sheepishly. Andy and Adam were following close, but stopped to stare at Frank who smiled back very uncertainly.
"Hey, I'm Adam ... or Sisky, whatever", Adam introduced himself firstly, smiling politely and eyeing the new kid, although I knew that it wasn't in any sexual interest.
"I'm Andy ... you must be Frank, right?"
Frank simply nodded. I already knew that he didn't like to talk so I stayed there, listening to them and was ready to jump in if Frank got too uncomfortable.
"How come I haven't seen you yet?", the new kid asked quietly.
Adam shrugged, looking at Andy shortly.
"We're lagging behind all the time. Eating later, coming to the lounge later, sleeping later, waking up later ..."
"That's because Adam here needs a lot of time to wake up and get his shit together", Andy complained, making me chuckle, although I was still on the floor with Gabe hovering above me, smirking down at me. It was kinda intimidating, but I was so used to his behaviour right now, that I frankly didn't give a shit about that.
"Let me go, Gabe! Don't be so kinky."
"Aww, little Brendon needs a prince to save him!", Gabe chuckled, making Andy and Adam focus back on me. Oh shit just got real!
"Frankie, just help me out, please!"
Frank stared down on me and I thought he would help me, but then he smiled, turned to Adam and whispered something in his ear. When Adam started to grin and pat him on the back, I knew that there was no hope for me. Adam sat down next to me while Frank simply watched, smiling innocently.
"This might get a little uncomfortable ..."
"Just don't ruin my virginity!" Not that there was anything to ruin, but still ...
But then Adam started to tickle me and of course, this was the worst punishment for me ever. How did Frank come up with such cruel ideas, I thought he was innocent!
"St-stop! F-frank w-why a-are y-you s-so f-fucking m-mean?!"
I tried to catch my breath again, gasping for air and of course, Gabe let go of me immediately. He would never want to really hurt me. Instead, he started to softly rub my shoulder.
"You good?", Andy asked, sounding very worried about me.
Making a plan up in my mind, I smiled and nodded faintly, holding up a finger to signalise that I still needed a second.
As soon as my breath slowed down again, I jumped to my feet, pushing a confused Adam out of my way to sprint down the hallway before they could continue their cruel torture on me. I could hear them laughing loudly, but when I dared to look back, they simply talked with Frank, smiling softly and not caring about me anymore. Grinning to myself, I slowed down my steps again, looking around me. Now that one problem was solved, of course, another came up. I could feel an epileptic seizure coming, felt my muscles tightening and everything around me became incredibly blurry. The door in front of me ... Patrick Stump. Perfect! Patrick could always help me out, I just needed to control myself enough to knock. Just knock. This shouldn't be too hard ... just raise your hand and ...
Too late. Just before I could alarm Patrick to help me out, everything faded to black.
I had lost all feeling of time when I woke up again, laying on a soft mattress. Somebody sat right beside me, feeling for my pulse. When I opened my eyes, I saw Patrick leaning down, smiling softly at me. He was sitting on the side of the bed, while my back was pushed against the wall, protected by some pillows.
"Hey, how are you feeling?", he asked softly.
That was one of the big advantages of Patrick: he always had more than 10 pillows in his bed. It honestly felt like heaven right now.
Patrick chuckled quietly at my drowsy remark, ruffling my hair. I probably sounded extremely drunk to him.
"You fell against my door, Brendon."
"Sorry. I was trying to knock."
"It's alright. It worked well. I was just confused when I was reading and suddenly someone falls against the door. It was hard work to drag you in here."
"You actually dragged me in here? Alone? Why didn't you ask Pete or so to help you?"
"I was panicking! I had to do something!", Patrick exclaimed, throwing up his hands. It looked extremely cute when he defended himself, although I hated that he felt like he had to. It wasn't like I really was blaming him for not letting Pete see me in such a weak state ...
"How did you get me in bed? With me shaking like crazy and all ..." By now I knew that when I had a seizure, I wasn't very cooperative ... I had hit other students, patients, doctors, paramedics, siblings and my parents more than once.
"Honestly, I waited until the seizure stopped. You laid most of the time on the floor, sorry."
I laughed quietly, pushing my hair out of my face.
"Wrong answer. You could've just answered it was the force, the power of the jedi!"
"But that would be lying!", Patrick complained. He already thought of himself as worthless, so he didn't dare to joke around much, seeing as he was afraid of upsetting us.
"Awww, but Patty, it would've been an obvious joke ... not like it would hurt me."
Patrick growled quietly. I knew how easily he got annoyed by this nickname, because his mum had the same name, but honestly, that only made us call him Pat more often.
"Don't call me Pat or I'm gonna ..."
"Sorry, Trick. But don't threaten people, it's no use. You're too cute to seem intimidating."
Even though Patrick didn't seem to be happy with that answer, he nodded slowly and smiled slightly. He brightened up too much from being told he was cute to hate me for saying it.
We talked for hours with each other. About nothing important, just stuff that was happening. Of course he also knew about Pete and Mikey afterwards, I even told him what happened when Jorel arrived, a part that I had left out earlier. He grinned when I told him about the condoms and especially Pete's wish to leave him alone fucking his boyfriend. He had to admit that nobody could not ship them easily, they were a perfect match for each other.
But as the talk continued, Patrick got a little nervous, glancing at me from time to time, with no obvious reason behind it. Then, suddenly, Patrick looked at me, looking fairly insecure.
"Are you hungry, Brendon?" That was what was bothering him ... it was easy to understand, but I hated that he seemed to be so scared of my answer.
"Not really", I lied, for Patrick's sake. I knew that he hated eating, he usually threw up everything he ate. Today, he didn't need this trouble, so I suppressed my hunger and smiled at him. Obviously, Patrick realised that I was lying, but he smiled thankfully and nodded, leaning back against me and staring at the wall. He simply handed me a water bottle that I emptied in seconds. Drinking always helped - food was just an addition. Although I had to say that I was always hungry anyways.
"You know, I like talking to you. It's just ... refreshing. We don't do it often enough", I told him, looking into his green eyes and smiling a little.
"What do you mean? We talk all the time!"
"No! Not like this ...", I disagreed with him. It was true, we greeted each other every day, asking about unimportant stuff, but never alone, never this private.
Patrick shrugged, curling in on himself a little more while pressing himself even closer against my side. Carefully, I wrapped an arm around Patrick's waist, pulling him in a hug.
"So ... now that we're already here ... are there any crushes I should know about? A boy? A girl? An alien?"
The blonde blushed so badly I saw immediately that there had to be someone, even though he completely ignored my joke.
"Oh yeah, busted! Now tell me more!", I pushed him. I knew I should be careful, but I was too curious.
"It's so stupid ..."
"No! Tell me about it! I'm curious ... I wanna know more about you."
Patrick sighed quietly, giving in. He settled his head on my shoulder, looking at the wall.
"There's this girl ... she lived next to me and probably doesn't even know that I exist, but she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. You know, long black locks, bright eyes, pale skin. She looks so nice, even though I have never talked to her so I don't know if she is. But she was in my history class as well and damn, she was good. A really smart one."
While talking, Patrick blushed even harder, his hands began to shake slightly. Slowly I reached out to take them, smiling when Patrick took a deep breath and calmed down again.
"Sounds so lovely! Have you told her how you feel? Probably not, but would you? Would you tell her? I am sure that she noticed a cute boy like you."
"Oh my God, I wrote a letter to her just before I got here, but I don't think she read it ...", Patrick whined, hiding his face in his hands, obviously embarrassed. I simply thought that he looked incredibly cute right now, trying to forget about something seemingly stupid he had done years ago.
"You know, I think you should try it again."
Patrick shook his head.
"She didn't like the first one, why would she read the second one?"
I didn't really believe that the girl would've ignored Patrick just like that. I thought that she just didn't get it, couldn't get in touch with Patrick, but she had to like the letter. Patrick was a great writer, especially in poetry and lyrics. It wouldn't surprise me if the letter had been a poem.
"Because ... you are too cute to be rejected by a young girl."
Chapter 5: Oh My God, You've Got To Be Kidding Me
So hey, I didn't take too long this time ...
I hope you enjoy it ...
PoV: William Beckett (The Academy Is ...)
One of the first things I learned about being in the psychiatry, is that you couldn't enjoy any calm days, because either your own mind was haunting you, or the other patients were going crazy. This day was the best example for this life ...
I was simply sitting on the floor of my room, completely forgetting that I could also sit on my comfortable bed, while my eyes scanned the pages of the second Bobby Dollar book. Like always I couldn't quite focus on the story, but it was nice to enjoy the silence and do anything other than watching the same movies and tv shows over and over again while fighting Gerard so I didn't have to watch X-Men for the hundredth time.
But of course, the silence was soon interrupted, when Pete stumbled into my room, as usually not knocking because neither he nor Brendon knew what that word meant. The hard part was that you couldn't even lock yourself in your room - security issues - you never had the chance for some alone time.
I slowly raised my head to look at him, shaking my head. He ignored my annoyed looks, smiling brightly. Apparently, he had just had the time of his life and seeing as I had encouraged him to talk to Mikey, I was more than scared I would now have to listen to him talking about sex. But Pete's smile didn't fade and after a second, it infected me, too, the corners of my mouth curled up in a shy grin.
"What's up? You look like you stole a lot of antidepressiva from Rian ..."
Pete didn't answer, just smiled brighter and walked towards me, pulling me up and wrapping his arms around me. I could feel him smile against my neck while he pulled me as close as possible without killing either of us. I was quite surprised about his reaction, but honestly, I didn't mind it at all. It was a known fact that Brendon's touchiness had infected Pete as well by now. I would even say that it had opened up all of us, only Andy wasn't affected by it, because no matter how mean Pete might seem to be sometimes, he would never simply hug someone suffering from social anxiety. That was totally out of his character.
"I just wanted to thank you. Mikey ... it's simply awesome! Mind blowing!"
"I am sure that it's not the only thing he can blow."
Pete chuckled quietly, not letting me go.
"You know, you could've had this earlier if you'd just listened to me for once!"
At this point, Pete slapped me playfully, laughing at my fake hurt expression.
"Most of the time, you talk about some nerd shit that I don't understand and pairings in shows that don't exist. I mean, I hate to bring it to you, but Sherlock Holmes might just be straight."
I rolled my eyes at him, hitting him back and shaking my head.
"Look at his style, there is no way Holmes isn't the gayest man on earth. But just because you have to behave like Gimli doesn't mean that you shouldn't once listen to Legolas."
"Oh my God, is there anything you love more than Lord Of The Rings?"
"Do you want to know?"
"Definitely not! Although I am intrigued what could be better than me in a red long beard ..."
I grinned at him, hugging him back firmly, now.
"You know I am incredibly happy for you two. Now I can live my life in peace ..."
Even though I didn't believe it could be possible, Pete's smile widened even more, looking incredibly painful to me. I could see the joyful sparks in his dark eyes and knew, that for him, everything was alright for now. He was so happy that his bipolar disorder couldn't do him any harm.
"You know, if you plan the wedding ... who are gonna be the groomsmen?", I asked, chuckling softly when I thought of the gay wedding fotos. The couple kissing, most of the groomsmen kissing and the rest got kisses on the cheek. It would definitely be the gayest wedding possible.
"Everybody can be groomsman for us ... except for Brendon and Gabe. These two should stay away ..."
I laughed quietly.
"What happened now?"
"They stalked us, Bilvy, what did you think? We had to stop our fun, just because they weren't subtle enough and then they embarrassed us in front of Jorel ... they will have to pay for that", Pete whined, looking at me like he expected me to hunt them down.
I smiled to myself, knowing exactly why Gabe had been there. He had come into my room an hour or so ago, complaining about his boredom, so, to get rid of him and give him something to do, I told him about Pete and Mikey and how I'd seen them go into Pete's room together. Of course, Gabe hadn't needed to be told twice, before hurrying off to find the two. But to defend myself, I had nothing to do with Brendon showing up!
"What are you thinking about? Your smile is terrifying!", Pete exclaimed, moving back a little and giving me some space.
"You know, I just remembered how you tried to tell me that Mikey would hate you and all that."
Pete grinned like a young child that just figured something out.
"I can read your mind, dude, that's not all, right?"
"Oh well, you could've guessed that Gabe would find you. He's our personal stalker for a very good reason."
Now Pete shook his head.
"Well, forget I asked ..."
"I told you, you should listen to me ... I am actually smart!"
With that, Pete jumped up again, looking at the door.
"Anyways, I don't wanna take too much of your time ... and Mikey's waiting, so I have to go ... Thank you again. So fucking much!"
"You know your unicorn waited for months ... you shouldn't take too long now!"
Once again, Pete slapped me slightly.
"Don't make jokes about him!"
"Of course, Petey, I wouldn't dream about it."
Pete laughed quietly, leaning down and kissing my cheek.
"You're the best", he grinned, sprinting out of the room. I just smiled at the closing door, shaking my head. Love was obviously driving Pete crazy ...
I had just gotten back to reading, or at least trying to, when somebody knocked on my door. I should've known that I wouldn't get any time to read today ... but I was still surprised. Usually only Gabe came up to me, others always had their personal therapists. Apparently, this day, everybody else had decided to just come up to me, now that I had finally found a good book. Whenever I was bored in my room or in the lounge, everybody else was busy ... But I couldn't turn my back on them now, so I stood up, groaning in annoyance.
Opening the door, I was greeted by Adam who stared at me with big eyes.
"Can you help me?"
I nodded quickly, placing my hand on his shoulder, mostly to reassure him that I wasn't going anywhere.
"What's wrong, Sisky?"
He looked a little confused when I used his nickname and that said everything to me. He had another amnestic episode, obviously even forgetting his own nicknames. I wasn't sure if he remembered his full name right now, but that was none of my business.
"Where's my room?"
Apparently, Adam didn't give a shit either what his name was or what I called him, as long as he found the place he wanted to go. It was a surprise to me that he was out without Andy at all, the two of them usually were inseparable. But now, instead of questioning their actions, I simply smiled at Adam, taking his arm and leading him out in the hallway again. Knowing that it would only confuse him more, I shut my mouth, not saying anything while I led him to his room. Pushing the door open I saw Andy sitting on Adam's bed, looking up when we entered. He immediately recognised the empty look in Adam's eyes, standing up to walk over to us. Obviously, Adam couldn't figure out who Andy was right now, seeing as he moved a little closer towards me, although he usually would never back up from his best friend.
"He's having an episode again, isn't he?", Andy asked slowly, taking in the sight slowly.
While I nodded at Andy as an answer, Adam stared at the dark blonde, still very confused.
Andy smiled softly, taking Adam's hand in his and pulled the amnestic closer to himself, pushing some of the blonde curls out of Adam's face.
"Oh yeah, you are so fucking straight ...", I chuckled.
"Shut up, princess!", Andy complained, slapping me slightly. What was it with patients slapping me today? Okay, it wasn't weird at all, this usually happened more often a day, seeing as it was a natural reaction of teenagers, but they couldn't do it to PTSD patients for obvious reasons.
Adam flinched slightly, making Andy freeze and turn back towards him.
"Sorry, Sisky, shouldn't have done that. Just natural reaction. Don't worry about it, we're not fighting."
The curly haired shrugged, clearly not really caring about it, then he yawned, rubbing his eyes. Andy chuckled quietly, pulling Adam with him towards the bed where he sat him down. Looking around, I noticed a full bottle of water standing on the desk. I quickly grabbed it, walking over to bed and handing it to Adam who was staring at the floor.
"Here, you should drink something."
He took the bottle, taking a few sips, before giving it back to me.
Andy frowned at the younger one, slowly sitting down next to him, careful to give him some space. Everybody knew that most patients wanted some time alone after or during an episode and if they didn't, they would tell them, or well, just hold them in place. Adam usually hated being totally alone, but he didn't necessarily wanted to be pressed again some other patient.
"Do you know where you are, Adam?", I asked quietly, sitting down in front of the bed to get a better look at him.
"Do you know who you are?"
"Do you know who we are?"
This time, Adam managed to nod. Andy smiled at him, now moving closer and wrapping his arms around his friend, who relaxed immediately. I stood up again, ruffling the curls with a grin, but no matter how out of it Adam might seem, he still glared at me for doing that. Not that I ruined his style or something (because seriously, he just didn't give a shit about his hair), but mostly because it made me "look like his mother". I chuckled at his kind of angry expression, that was ruined by the innocent eyes, and looked back at Andy. Now that Sisky had responded to my actions as well, it was clear, that the episode slowly faded again.
"Are you okay with him here? I really need some sleep, I guess. If something happens you know where to find me."
Andy nodded and smiled at me.
"I'm not gonna bother you, if there's a problem I'll ask Rian or so ... Thanks for your help, again. You're the best mother around here ..."
"Alright. Have fun you two."
With that I left the two to themselves, closing the door slowly behind me and walking back into my room.
When I fell asleep on my bed, I already had the feeling that it would be a long night for me. I hated that feeling. The last time, I thought about something like that, I had woken up in the middle of the night to Dallon screaming his lungs out. The poor boy always suffered terrible nightmares and the worst part for me was to exactly know why. Let me just say that it's a wonder he even got here to get help, he had to run through the city to the police station in order to receive it.
Just like I had predicted, I woke up too early for my likings. The moon was still shining bright through my windows and I tried not to think about the fact it was the only light at the moment. I usually slept with my lights on, knowing that the nurses would turn it off, but I always hated it when I woke up before sunrise. However, I couldn't figure out why I woke up that early, because it was quiet. Almost too quiet.
Then I heard it - a loud, piercing scream filled the air. Why I woke up just before it happened still wasn't clear to me, but that was not of importance, right now. I could've recognised the distressed voice anytime, anywhere, not because I talked a lot to the patient, but because it was so rare to hear him scream. I knew that he regularly suffered from nightmares, but I never had woken up to him screaming his lungs out before.
As quickly as possible for my tired body, I jumped out of bed, tripping over the book still laying on the floor. Just before I hit the ground, I managed to stable myself again and run on, kicking the book out of my way. I needed to get there, although I knew that Mikey wasn't alone, he never slept away from his brother. So it was no surprise to me, when I arrived just after Pete, that Gerard was already sitting next to his brother, holding onto his hand as if his life depended on it. When Gerard looked up, turning over to where Pete and I were standing, both frozen in shock at the sight that was Mikey Way, I realised that Saviour had taken over control. I dared to look back at Mikey, who was still trashing on the bed, grimacing in pain, but not screaming anymore. Pete seemed to follow my gaze and his breath caught in his throat.
"C'mon, Petey ...", I mumbled, pushing him closer to Mikey. Not to scare him even more, I would try to wake up Mikey myself, but I knew that if Gerard had no luck, I didn't even have to try. Pete was a completely different case, though. But at the moment, Pete looked too lost to think of anything as I pushed him towards the bed and he stared at me in shock.
"What should I do?", he asked shakily.
"I don't know, I am no good here. But honestly, just surprise him, I guess. Show him you are you. Make him realise who you are."
I counted it as a win when Pete nodded jerkily, leaning down to Mikey and slowly pressing his lips on the younger one's. No matter how distressed the blonde had been before, he responded quickly, his watery eyes opening. His body relaxed again, hands gripping on Pete's shirt who let him do anything. When Mikey finally really looked at him, Pete smiled softly at him, leaning down once more to peck Mikey's lips, although he failed to when Mikey kissed back eagerly.
Instead of talking, Mikey just nodded, hands reaching out for Pete's shoulders to pull him closer. Of course Pete had no problem with that, settling down on the bed and kissing Mikey's cheek once again. The younger one turned his head, burying his face in Pete's neck who pulled his head closer.
I grinned at the cute couple, looking around the room. Only now I noticed Brendon standing right behind me, obviously still shocked, although the scene in front of him relaxed him again. Now, even Brendon didn't give a shit about the couple, as long as both of them were doing okay enough to be left alone. I guessed that Brendon wasn't the only one to wake up as well, probably the other patients had simply decided not to storm the room and were waiting in the hallway for news. It was always like that, if they saw that the patient had the right, helpful people around them. Knowing that Pete was enough for Mikey at the moment, I walked up to Gerard, kneeling down behind him and tapping his shoulder. Saviour turned to look at me, a lot less tense than before, now that he saw his brother was feeling better again. Carefully, I pulled his shoulder backwards, helping him stand up and turning him away from the sight, towards where Brendon was standing, smiling softly at him.
"Let's give them some space, okay, Sav?", I offered, leading him towards the door. Saviour shot me a death glare for using his nickname, but honestly, almost everybody did. We all knew that the mute personality didn't really mind as much as he showed to be offended. He mostly didn't care what we called him, as long as we didn't insult him or the other personalities. Believe me, he got crazy whenever somebody insulted Gerard. Yes, he didn't have more muscle power than Gerard, but somehow the 'soldier' managed to have some fight skills that Gerard never knew of. It somehow always confused Gerard more than anybody else.
But however Saviour hated me for calling him by his nickname, he nodded at my suggestion, although he didn't seem to move at all. For a second I doubted that he had understood what I had told him, but then Brendon opened the door and Saviour took a step forward, before he looked back at the bed where Mikey and Pete were still cuddling close. His eyes screamed self-hatred and I knew that he felt like he should've been able to help his brother.
"Saviour, no! Not that look! They are lovers, they are supposed to kiss each other awake. It would be weird if you'd do that!"
He looked down, obviously not really believing me, but he didn't look as miserable as before.
Smiling softly, I reached out for Saviour's arm and pulled him out of the room along with Brendon and me. This time, Saviour didn't stop to look back and simply trusted Pete to take care of Mikey right now.
Once we were outside the door, Brendon closed it again and I watched Saviour closely, quickly realising that he was switching back to Gerard. Brendon flashed me a quick smile, before walking over to Dallon, who was standing a few meters away, right next to Frank. It was nice to see the taller one open up so quickly to the new kid. Of course, Gerard - now back to the one and only - followed Brendon, smiling at Frank.
Turning away from the four, I noticed Adam and Andy looking over at me, raising their eyebrows, while Joe came up to me.
"Is he okay now?"
Before I could answer him, Gabe walked up to me as well, placing his head on mine. He didn't say anything, but it instantly let me relax against him a little.
I gave Adam and Andy a thumbs up as an answer, then I turned towards Joe.
"He's better now, with his lover beside him."
Joe laughed quietly, nodding slowly. I turned my head around, looking for Joe's best friend, Andy. He usually didn't show himself, but then neither did Dallon and most of the time, Andy was wherever Joe was. Andy 1 and 2 both had a habit of mostly hanging with only one person.
Apparently Joe noticed who I was looking for:
"Andy stayed in his room, but he sent me out to get the information."
I nodded slowly, a little disappointed that I wouldn't see Andy again. I liked the kid, he was serious, but still incredibly cute and especially seriousness was sometimes all I needed.
"Well, tell him I said hi. You know I miss talking to normal, smart people."
"Of course. But I don't get your desire, you are just talking to me."
"I said normal, Joe. With normal I mean with a normal hair cut."
Joe shook his head, laughing, then he walked back towards his room. I looked towards his door to see it half open, Andy peeking out curiously. He was just as pale as the last time I'd seen him, about a month ago. I waved at him, as normal as possible, knowing that Andy hated being treated differently whilst he also hated to be treated exactly the same. It sounded a lot more complicated than it actually was, you just had to know what he liked and what he hated. Andy was easy, don't touch him, don't talk to him, but when you see him, smile and wave a little so he doesn't feel completely left out if he decided to show himself.
I was honestly a bit surprised when Andy smiled back at me, waving a little as well. But after a few seconds, he looked at me one last time before disappearing back in his room for God only knew how long. I probably wouldn't see him for weeks, maybe even months.
By now I had learned a lot about social anxiety, that mostly affected Dallon and Andy at the moment. It wasn't only about getting too much attention, but sometimes only about thinking that others could remember you and your actions. Seeing as Brendon always thought about Dallon, the taller one was mostly worried about that part. Andy was more careful when it came to touch, however, so even Joe barely got too close to him. At least he talked to his best friend ... I knew that after his dad had died, he just shut his mind off, not eating, not getting out of bed and not talking to anybody, not even his mother. Somehow, Joe managed to break through these walls and get him to eat at least something. Therefore, it was clear that when Andy's mother sent him in the psychiatry, there had been no way that Joe wouldn't tag along. To ensure that the doctors would allow that, Joe's mother brought him to a therapist who diagnosed a light Attention Deficit Disorder. It wasn't anything special, still in the normal spectrum, but it was enough - or so the parents thought. In the end, Jorel didn't even look in Joe's file once he was told that Joe was the only one who could break down Andy's walls, he didn't give a shit about some unimportant problems anymore and simply put him in to help out Andy. That was one of the special parts of this psychiatry, the doctors would take any one as a patient if they could help others. That was why Brendon stayed here after his planned stay to help Ryan, that was why Ray stayed longer than necessary so that he could help out the nurses. Jorel always said that it was easier to cook one more meal and find another bed than try to break through a patient's walls if only trusted one person in the world enough to talk to them. Therefore, Andy didn't have sessions alone either, he was always with Joe and he didn't go in the doctor's office, but Jorel came into his room to talk with them. We couldn't have any more luck with our doctors.
"You're so the mum of us all, Bill!", Gabe exclaimed, chuckling.
Shaking my head, I sighed quietly, tired of looking after everybody. Of course I wouldn't get any rest if I didn't, but sometimes I was just annoyed. Apparently, Gabe noticed that I wasn't only annoyed at his stupid joke, but generally down.
"Don't worry, it's just been a long day. I'm totally worn out. Being a mother to you and your gang is extremely exhausting. At first Pete, then Adam, now Mikey ... it's just a little too much."
Gabe chuckled, although he didn't really seem convinced when he let me go towards my room. Hopefully I could get some good sleep now, so that I wouldn't die in the morning. Nobody would want to keep up with me when I was too tired.
Just when I was laying down on my bed, somebody knocked on my door again. This day really wanted to kill me ... Too tired to get up again, I just shout at the mystery person to come in. There was a short break, then the door creaked open and Gabe stuck his head in to look at me. His behaviour scared me - he usually didn't knock at all and the last time he did, he had a mental breakdown and was sure that he was the reason Ryan had killed himself. I still couldn't understand why he had thought that, but of course I had just let him stay with me, held him close and hoped that he would manage to cry himself to sleep, just to get some rest. After three days, he had been back up again, still mourning, but not blaming himself as much anymore. I just hoped that he didn't think he had something to do with Mikey's nightmare or anything similar. Although I doubted it would be that dramatic, Mikey had calmed down instantly in Pete's arms after all. But I remembered him saying something about not noticing Mikey had been down, or something, so maybe he thought that the actual nightmare had something to do with that.
"Are you okay, Gabe?", I asked slowly, not wanting to stress him if he wasn't. I knew that the worst thing to do was to force others into talking - they would mostly end up panicking even more, trying not to let the others down while not having to tell them. It was just building up tension that nobody needed.
I breathed out in relief when Gabe started smiling softly, coming closer to my bed. Obviously, he was not panicking, not blaming himself for anything and not ready to jump out the window for some reason. I couldn't understand what he wanted, but I guessed that he had a reason to come up to me after he let me go when I told him I wanted to sleep. I didn't believe Gabe would be enough of a dick to ignore a statement like that. He was usually forcing me to go to bed anyways, so he should be okay with me going there on my own.
"Honestly, I am more worried about you, right now", he explained.
Forcing myself to smile back, I looked at him. I hated it when others worried about me, I was fine and would be it as long as the others were okay as well. Knowing they worried, made me worry about them which made them worry even more and ... it obviously didn't end there. It just got worse and worse, until everybody was freaking out about nothing at all.
"Don't ... Please, don't. There's nothing to worry about. I'm great."
Gabe shook his head, sitting down on the edge of my bed. He looked down at me, raising his eyebrows. I couldn't make out much more in the darkness that was only brightened by the moon and only allowed me to see his features.
"Really? How's your anxiety disorder? You need to talk about your shit as well and not just listen to the love drama between the others."
I hated that, because I simply didn't want to talk about any of my problems, I felt like I could battle them on my own and I got better when I could help others instead of making them listen to my stupid problems that nobody wanted to hear about anyways. Why should anybody care?
"It's fine, really. I haven't had a panic attack or something in weeks."
Gabe shrugged, clearly not caring about what I said about being fine. He never did. I understood what he was thinking because obviously, I didn't believe most patients either when they told me not to worry about them, but I somehow didn't understand why Gabe worried about me. Why would he even care?
"Well, how is your claustrophobia? I know that is your weakness ... and I also know that you would never tell me if you felt horrible, so I'm gonna have to ask you specifically. C'mon, it's not like I'll judge you, you should just come up to me then and again. Just to ease my mind, okay? You're worrying me more if you don't say anything than if you complain all day."
"Gabe ... I ... the claustrophobia is fine ... I didn't have an episode in days ... the darkness is kind of bothering me, but I don't wanna turn the light on now ...", I mumbled, noticing for the first time how interesting everything that wasn't Gabe, was to me. Luckily it was dark enough that he couldn't see my blush badly.
The taller frowned at me, but then he grinned, obviously just coming up with an idea. I wasn't sure if I should be scared or not ... I didn't really want to get anxious right now, but then again it was dark and Gabe had an idea ... On the other hand, I knew that Gabe wouldn't want to scare me, now that he already knew the missing light was troubling for me. Before I could say anything to him, he got into bed next to me, wrapping his long arms around my waist while I cuddled up to him, closing my eyes when I breathed in his scent. My mind should be scared, it was dark and I had no space around me, but the steady beating of Gabe's heart managed to keep me relaxed while his fingers worked through my hair and he started humming softly. At the moment, I was too tired to think about what song it was. Feeling safer than ever, I pressed myself even closer, trying to make me disappear.
"Bilvy ... just relax, okay? I'm right here, everything is fine ... don't worry about anything. Just close your eyes and sleep ... I'm staying right here. I'm not going anywhere", Gabe whispered.
"I would ... if you shut up ..."
The last thing I heard was Gabe chuckling, then I drifted off into sleep.
Chapter 6: There's A Unicorn ...
I am incredibly sorry for taking so long and this chapter being so short, but I hope you enjoy it anyways and can forgive me and my stupid time management. Honestly, I should learn for my history test tomorrow, but whatever.
PoV: Mikey Way (My Chemical Romance)
Gerard and Frank looked up immediately from the book they were both leaning over, when I stumbled inside the lounge, tripping over my own feet - of course!- and barely able to catch myself before I hit the floor.
"Holy ... Mikey?! Are you trying to walk? What's going on?", Gerard asked, looking concerned and amused at the same time. His boyfriend (or at least something very similar), simply looked back and forth between my brother and me.
"Gee, there ... there's that unicorn ... it wants to kill me if I don't help it ... it's stuck ...", I breathed out, now realising how crazy that sounded. I knew that nobody would trust a schizophrenic teenager seeing supernatural creatures, but hey, I was pretty sure that the unicorn was real. Usually, I could tell psychosis from reality, especially with creatures like that, but this one ... I was sure it was real. There was no way I had been imagining it. No freaking way!
Of course, Gerard simply chuckled. He couldn't believe me either. Damn, I was questioning my own sanity, what was he supposed to think? I could see the pity in his eyes, as he tried to think of a way to help me. I hated that look on him ... it meant that he was internally laughing, but didn't want to hurt me. Goddamn brotherly love ...
To escape his gaze, I looked over at Frank, who raised his eyebrows at me, but he didn't laugh and he didn't seem to suppress his laughter either. I didn't understand why he could stay so calm while I was making a fool of myself, but apparently he didn't mind at all. Then it struck me ... I actually didn't freak out about a unicorn in front of my brother, but also his crush and God only knows what they had been doing in here before I barged inside.
Suddenly Gerard stood up slowly and walked over to me, touching my shoulder gently as he pulled me in a quick hug. When he let go, he started to lead me towards the couch, not letting go of my shoulders for only a second, as if he was scared I'd turn away and run from him.
"What are you doing? I can walk by myself, you know!", I complained, pulling away from him slightly.
"Mikes, you just have to breathe. Take a minute. It'll be over in a second."
Of course he didn't believe me, why would he? It wasn't like I was crazy ... oh ... wait ...
"You're only hallucinating! It'll be over soon, don't worry!"
"Don't tell me what I see and what not! Don't tell me what I'm doing! You don't understand my brain! You don't know me!"
I had actually no idea why I was getting so angry at my brother, but damn, my blood was boiling. I didn't even realise the hurt look in Gerard's eyes as he hardened his grip on me.
"Are you trying to make me believe that a magical white horse with a horn on its face is actually outside the psychiatry, in the garden ... and it's stuck? Where should it be stuck anyways? In the bushes?", Gerard asked, an unbelieving look on his face.
I simply shrugged, folding under his stare and not really knowing what to answer. I knew that it sounded so stupid, but it felt so real when I saw it. I couldn't possibly have imagined it.
"How can we help you?", Frank asked suddenly, completely serious. Gerard turned to look at him in confusion, but Frank didn't seem to care about my emo brother at all, only focusing on me for the moment. It was meant to sound reassuring, but somehow it only made me feel worse. Did he mean to help me with my problems or help me as in help the unicorn?
Giving up on the thought of them helping me, I shook my head at Frank, keeping my gaze down.
Now Gerard was frowning at me, starting to look even more concerned than before, every sign of amusement gone.
"Unicorns are real", I whispered, knowing that he probably couldn't hear me or wouldn't care anyways.
But instead of mocking me, my brother only shook his head slowly and hesitantly looking back to where Frank was standing as if to ask him for advice.
"I'm sorry, Mikey, but that's not true."
Sighing quietly, I turned away from him slightly, wringing my hands together. When I looked back, Gerard looked a bit too friendly for my liking, his eyes sparkling. Please don't let it be Party ... but I guessed it was. Nobody else would be so joyful around here.
"C'mon Mikes, we can check it out together, okay?"
Still unsure about how to react to the weirdo of the gang taking over, I hesitated, and apparently Frank noticed, too.
"Do you want me to tag along?", he asked me quietly, carefully so that Party wouldn't overhear us.
I thought about it for a second, then nodded. Even though that could mean Frank would see me make myself a fool even more, but he also didn't seem too fazed earlier, so I guessed it would be no big trouble and if anybody could control Party at the moment, it would be Gerard's biggest crush. Maybe it was the less of two evils to have Frank come with us.
"So, little bro, where is that magical unicorn?"
I looked around frantically. I could've sworn it had been there, but now there was nothing, just trees and bushes, well and my brother with his crush. Nothing. Only bushes in the bright light of the sun, throwing dark shadows on the ground.
"It's gone ...", I mumbled quietly, hoping they wouldn't hear it.
"Yeah, that's because it was never there. You imagined it!"
Just when I was about to respond, Frank hit Gerard's shoulder and hissed quietly: "Shut up! He doesn't need to hear your stupid opinion!"
Why the freaking fuck was Frank on my side? I just made a fool of myself in front of him, but he still defended me. I didn't know him well, but he for sure was a pure soul ... which was a nice contrast to Gabe, Pete and all the other crazy heads around here. He turned back towards me, a soft look in his eyes.
"Mikey, I see nothing ... maybe you got confused with the shadows, alright?"
That actually made a lot of sense, I could've mistaken a dark shadow for the figure ... but of course I didn't want to admit that. But I also didn't want to lie to the boy who saved me from my crazy brother and his assumptions, so I shrugged.
"Oh please, Frankie! Get lost!"
Now it was Frank's turn to stare at my brother in complete shock. Did he really just tell him to go away? It was clear to me that this wasn't my brother, or one of the personalities that I'd known. Not even Party would dare to start a fight with somebody Gerard liked that much over something as stupid as who to defend in a low fight. Especially when it was a fight about me, his little brother. I was friends with all of the guys, they wouldn't do that to me.
"I know you aren't Gerard, or Saviour, or G, or even Party for that matter! So leave Frank and me alone and shut your fucking face!", I shouted at him.
I hated how my voice shook, but Frank still glanced at me thankfully, slowly walking over to where I was standing. We both had no idea what was happening, still, we could fight together. But Gerard only laughed at me, an evil glance in his eyes. Whoever was out there, really hated Frank and me. At least me. I knew when he opened his mouth, he was about to insult us once more, but luckily, Gabe and Brendon, who were hanging out together again, came over to us.
"What's happening? You look a little troubled, little Way ...", Brendon asked, slipping between Frank and me and slinging his arms around our shoulders. Before I could answer him, Gerard laughed hysterically: "You won't believe it, Bren, the little blondie imagined unicorns again and Frank's trying to help him!"
I looked down in shame while my brother could barely catch his breath in laughter.
"Shut up! Leave him!", Frank shouted again.
Brendon raised his eyebrows at the smaller teenager, but hugged me a little closer while Gabe smiled sympathetically at us.
"Don't worry, Mikey, you're just fine ... no need to change anything ... you're safe here."
Gerard shook his head in disgust.
"Nice try, Bren, making him feel welcome here. It's no use. Why are you all pretending that it's normal to see unicorns? It's stupid, let's face it!"
"Why don't you care about your own problems?", Gabe asked back, getting pissed. Nobody wanted to deal with the Uruguayan when he was angry, he could become quite aggressive as Pete had to learn the hard way after being punched in the face several times. Gerard only chuckled, obviously not giving a single fuck.
"Since when don't you care about him?", Brendon continued, moving his arm to grab a hold of my shaking hand.
"He's your little brother after all! He's your family! Only an hour ago you told me about how you never wanna let go of him! Where has that gone off to?", Frank jumped in on the conversation. Honestly, I had never thought of him as the kind of teenager to do so, not because he wouldn't help others, but because he would be scared to be the centre of attention. Appaently, I was totally wrong ... I should really thank him for this later ... I owed him a big one.
"I am not Gerard! This loser is not my brother!"
I stumbled back slightly, letting go of Brendon's hand and almost falling, only to be caught by Gabe who walked up behind me very quickly. While he helped me regain stability, Brendon's face changed into pure anger and he walked up to Gerard, slapping him across the face without hesitation. Gerard didn't stop laughing for only a second, barely touching his red cheek. He probably didn't even feel the pain ...
Very slowly, Gabe looked up at Gerard. It looked incredibly intimidating.
"Who are you? Gerard, G, Saviour ... not even Party would dare to say such thing! Who the fuck are you?!" He got louder and louder at the end.
Gerard raised his hands in surrender and pushed Brendon away from himself.
"You got me. I hoped you'd think I'm Party, but apparently, you don't. I'm worse."
Not able to listen to that anymore, I looked at Frank, probably with pure horror written across my eyes, because Frank immediately walked over to me, hugging me close. His body seemed to become a human shield from Gerard's words, while Gabe slowly let go of me.
"Give me a goddamn name!", Brendon commanded coldly, obviously not caring anymore.
"I'm LC. I'm awesome."
"No. You are not awesome. You are an asshole. Go suck my dick!", Gabe exclaimed from where he was standing, still very close by my side.
"Sorry, Spanish boy, I'm not gay!", LC joked, grinning widely. With every second I hated that boy even more.
"Spanish slave boy ... fine by me ... I'm still not gay! Go fuck your rainbows somewhere else!"
"Shut up!", Brendon shouted, getting very close again. He could barely control himself not to kill LC right there and now.
"By the way, that name sucks!", Gabe continued, not even bothering to comment the homophobic bullshit. He usually didn't care about that stuff, he ignored all of it. Seeing as his parents were very strict, he knew a lot about the devil creating homosexuals ... although he liked the idea of ending in Lucifer's cage ... in his bedroom.
"You know, it's funny, everybody thinks that. But it doesn't matter, does it? As long as all the other personalities are here, listening to every single word I am saying. Are they fighting against me? Yes, they are. Will they win? Never."
Brendon slapped him again, staring into his cold eyes. I could see that hitting Gerard's face pained Brendon internally, but he also didn't want to hold back from that jackass.
"Are you enjoying this? Are you enjoying Mikey's pain?"
LC only laughed loudly, making me nauseous. I wanted to disappear immediately, just vanish immediately. Apparently sensing that, Frank pulled me even closer to himself, letting me bury my face in his neck while hot tears ran down my cheeks. Frank didn't say anything, he only let me cry out my heart against his skin and held me tightly. Gabe also patted my shoulder comfortingly, before walking up to LC, a smug look on his face. In the last year I learned to become scared of that look ... it usually meant nothing good.
"Tell me, you asshole, do you like stars?"
"What?", LC asked, raising his eyebrows at the taller one.
"If they fight you, I'm gonna help them", Gabe explained, not backing down from his plan. It maybe wasn't the smartest idea, but it was worth a try.
"There's nothing you can do!"
Gabe shook his head, taking a swing at LC and hitting him straight on in the face, making him stumble backwards. This was what happened when Gabe got angry, and we all knew his hits really hurt. LC's eyes immediately rolled back and for a second I feared he might black out and destroy Gabe's plan, but he didn't and Gabe was met with a cold stare that we all were too familiar with already. Gabe relaxed immediately and gave him a quick hug.
"Hey, Saviour, great to have you back!"
The mute personality nodded at him shortly and looked Brendon over for a second, who started to lead him towards Frank and me. My current protector stared at Saviour for a second, before Brendon nodded slowly, showing him that he was alright, and Frank let go of me. I locked eyes with Saviour and recognised the pained and guilty look in his eyes immediately, and it was no surprise, seeing as Saviour often blamed himself. His hands signed the word sorry over and over again. I didn't know what to think, what to do. My gaze met the ground once again and I tried to disappear from all the eyes on me, but Saviour reached out for my chin and pushed my head up to look at him again. That was enough shit for me, I was done. Without any further hesitation, I fell forwards into his arms when he pulled me close to his warm chest and held me tightly. In the background I heard how Brendon explained to Frank that Saviour had replaced that weird LC personality. Before he could add anything I would hear, Saviour started to pull me towards the main building, being careful not to push me against my will. Obviously, he wanted to get me away from remembering the situation. When I looked at him again he mouthed: 'I think unicorns are cute.' I smiled as I shoved him playfully, coming with him into my room where he sat me down on the bed. He signalled me to wait for a second and went out of the room, going God knows where.
"I'm so freaking sorry ... I didn't know he would take over like that!", Gerard repeated, finally back to his old, normal self.
Not really caring for his apologies, because I obviously knew that it wasn't his fault, I simply leaned against him. We were both sitting on my bed, so that I could lay my legs down on the mattress and still be comfortable propped up against my brother.
"Who is this LC guy?", I asked quietly.
"Honestly, I have no idea! I didn't even know he existed ... well, I kind of did ... I knew there had to be somebody in my head who didn't show himself, but honestly, I didn't think it would be such an asshole. Anyways, now he's gone again. No idea where he is, but I got rid of him for now ..."
Nodding slowly, trying to understand what my brother had said, I moved even closer to him, so that I was basically sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, Gerard pulled me closer, wrapping his arms around me very tightly. I quickly grabbed a hold of him and hid my face away on his shoulder. We both needed to be close to each other at the moment, seeking comfort in our brotherly love and family bonds. Not that the rest of our family didn't matter, but ... we couldn't care less about them. Since we'd been there they hadn't contacted us once.
"You okay?", he asked carefully, as if he was afraid to ask that question.
"I'm scared ...", I admitted, not looking up at him. I really didn't need to see his worried eyes right now, to see he was blaming himself for everything. s
"Why? Because of LC?"
I nodded slowly, closing my eyes in shame. I was old enough, I shouldn't be scared of a personality.
"Please, Mikes, don't listen to that douche bag. If he ever comes back, hit him in the face. Don't worry about hurting me or something ... He's a jackass, he deserves the pain."
"But he was right, you know?"
Gerard shook his head and pressed me closer against his body, pressing a comforting kiss to my forehead.
"He absolutely wasn't! Please, don't let him get to you that much ... you have to look at everything a different way ... it's completely understandable you held a shadow for an existing creature, it probably triggered you in some way. It's fine. Everybody could've thought there was standing someone or something."
"But not a fucking unicorn!"
"You've been seeing them for years, why should you believe they aren't real? Why?"
I shrugged, because he would hate me for not believing in him, but I didn't want to lie to him either.
"Oh please ... common sense? Do you think Bren has that? No! So you don't need it! You're a teenager, if you'd behave and think like an adult you would be annoying as fuck!"
Now he actually managed to make me chuckle again. Smiling softly, Gerard started to ease his grip on me.
"You're perfect the way you are, Mikes! Don't ever doubt that ..."
"Yeah, sure! Then why am I in a psychiatry?"
"Look around you, Mikey, all the cool kids are here! Being normal sucks!"
I smiled softly, looking straight into the light brown eyes of my older brother. Gerard grinned back, kissing my cheek carefully.
"Besides, I am the coolest boy on the world and I am here so where do you wanna be?"
"Nowhere without you. You saved my life back then, I owe you big time. I honestly don't know where I'd be if you were gone ...", I mumbled, relaxing again and sinking against his warm chest, letting him pull me closer again.
I didn't remember much from that night, but what I remembered, was that Gerard managed to call the police while our assaulter was out of the room. The police managed to catch him and get us two out of there, bringing us to the psychiatry immediately.
"911, what is your emergency?"
"I-I'm with m-y l-little brother ... we're h-hurt! T-this guy ... he's ... he's c-coming b-back ... help us!", Gerard whispered into the phone, looking back to the iron door where we could hear him coming back slowly. My older brother slowly crawled over to me, still on the phone, and hugged me from the side. In this moment of vulnerability, my brother wanted to ensure me he would stand by my side and I honestly couldn't have wished for anybody else in my life.
"You'll be okay, Mikes ... I p-promise you'll be okay ..."
"Please stay on the line. We will find your location, soon. Help is on the way. Please don't hang up."
Then it was quiet, but just when Gerard kicked the phone out of sight, the door opened and he was back, smiling smugly. I hated this look on him, because I knew it meant pain. I had learned that from the last hours that he spent torturing my brother and me. And the worst part was knowing that he enjoyed it. He enjoyed every single second.
"So ... I hope you both know you have no chance against me ... now play along ..."
The door creaked open, making me flinch immediately, but when I looked over, it was only Pete coming inside. Gerard looked at me, quietly questioning if I was okay. When I nodded slowly, Gerard motioned for Pete to come over to us. The black haired teenager swiftly sat down next to me, placing one warm hand on my shoulder.
"Hey, Mikes ... how are you?"
Even though I wanted to shout at him that I felt horrible, that I just had remembered the worst night of my life, but I kept quiet, not even shaking my head. To get an answer, Pete decided to look at Gerard. My brother shrugged, working his hands through my short hair.
"How are you, Gerard? Brendon told me about what happened ..." Pete turned his attention to Gerard, simply concerned for his wellbeing and not judging him in any way.
My brother looked down in shame, blushing a little. He obviously hated himself for not being able to control the personalities in his head. I knew it wouldn't turn out well for him and I hated it, but I was also sure that Frank would be able to cheer him up again and Frank was so innocent and pure that he would forgive my brother immediately.
"You know, if he ever comes back, tell him to fuck himself from me."
Now Gerard smiled again, easing his grip on me again. He probably planned on leaving Pete and me alone, it would be likely for him. Pete only ruffled my hair, making my chuckle quietly. My brother let go of me completely, setting me down on the bed.
"I think I'll check on you later ...", Gerard mumbled awkwardly, standing up and patting Pete on the shoulder.
"I trust you to take care of him, Pete ..."
Missing the warmth of my brother's body already, I scooted over to Pete, cuddling up to his side. He grinned down at me, kissing my forehead carefully and wrapped his arms around me.
"You know, I should really go now ... you two have fun ..."
"Why?", I asked, raising my eyebrows at him. Gerard laughed quietly and pushed some of the black hair out of his pale face.
"So that you can enjoy some time with your lover, boyfriend or whatever. Really, I don't need to imagine you two having sex or only making out!", my older brother explained, still grinning.
Pete chuckled, pushing my head up a little so he could peck my lips carefully. But I wasn't in the mood for being careful. Without asking directly for it, I pulled him even closer, deepening the kiss. Luckily, Pete didn't question my move, but acted along. Apparently, he didn't mind me kissing him without warning.
"Alright, love birds, that's my cue to go!", Gerard joked, fleeing the room without saying anything more.
When the door shut again, Pete broke the kiss and leaned his forehead against mine, staring deeply into my eyes.
"I love you, Michael fucking Way", he whispered softly, making me smile. He had the stupidest nicknames and puns to give out.
"You don't know my middle name, do you?"
"I think fucking sounds great."
"James? Damn your parents were English when they decided to name their kids Gerard Arthur and Michael James ..."
"How do you know Gee's middle name?"
Pete shrugged, pushing some hair strands out of my face.
"He joked about being king Arthur one time. When we called him on it, he explained it was his middle name."
Seeing as my brother loved stupid puns, that explanation made total sense for him.
"Well, our parents were Scottish to be exact, they hated English people."
"Is that why you like unicorns? Aren't they the official state animal of Scotland?"
I nodded, giggling like a child. Pete pecked my lips one more, resting his hand on my cheek to make sure I kept looking into his dark eyes.
"Let me try again ... I love you Michael James Way!"
"How? How can you love someone so pathetic? I'm weird, I know that, you don't have to stay with me, because you feel sorry for me ..."
For a second, Pete looked shocked and I was sure that it was because I blew his cover. But then his lips curled into a small smile and he kissed me again, slowly, lovingly.
"You are amazing, Mikey and you are weird, yes, but that's hella cute! I'm mostly wondering why you can keep up with me ..."
"It's easy. I love you", I responded, pressing my lips onto his again. Honestly, I could do this all the time without getting tired of kissing him.
"See? There goes my answer to your question. I love you. That's why I stay around. I don't feel sorrow for you ... I'm in love with you. I promise you that it won't change just because your mind doesn't make sense sometimes, or because you get panicky, I don't mind", Pete whispers, kissing my temple and playing a little with my glasses. Then he grinned and pulled them off.
"Hey! I need them!"
"How do I look?", he asked, ignoring my protest and blind swatting around.
"I don't know, idiot, I can't see anything!"
"Just because you don't wanna admit how hot I look!"
"Dumbass", I mumbled and kissed his cheek. Or well, where I guessed where his cheek was. Judging by Pete's laughter, it wasn't.
"Did you intent to kiss my jaw?"
"Ugh, no! Give me my glasses back!"
I could feel Pete shake his head and hold my face in place, before his lips connected with ... my nose.
"That was my nose!"
Pete laughed and pushed the glasses back on my eyes, before kissing me on the lips. Finally able to see again, I studied his dark eyes that held so much love, so much understanding that it almost pained me to know that he could never look through my walls completely. He didn't even know anything about my backstory yet ... and I hoped he would never ask.
"I guess I was blindly in love ..."
"You're such a dork!"
"Well ... do you think you could make me your dork?"
Smiling slightly I leaned back, intertwining our hands with each other. His fingers curled up to mine, but I could still feel him shaking badly.
"What are you trying to say?"
"Will you be my boyfriend?", Pete asked shyly, blushing madly. I had never seen him so anxious about something.
"Yes, yes, yes, yes ... a million times yes!", I shouted happily, clinging myself to him again.
"Good ... would be awkward if you'd said no ..."
Chapter 7: Get The Heck Away From Me
It's been a time - sorry ... but here I am alive!
PoV: Andy Hurley (Fall Out Boy)
Like always I was sitting in my room, relaxing on my bed whilst Joe, my best friend since kindergarten or even before that, was talking about guitars once again. He loved to play and had gotten me interested into the drums as well, but somehow I never managed to get as excited over a drum kit like he could. Of course I felt bad for not saying anything, for not reacting visibly to his monologue or even understanding what he wanted me to do. Even though Joe must've known that I didn't follow him anymore, he didn't seem to care and continued explaining me the new features of a new guitar model, I already even forgot which one. Maybe Fender, maybe Gibson, I didn't know. Instead of trying to keep up with him at all, I tried to remember the last time he got that excited ...
"Can I ask you something?", I mumbled quietly, not able to look up at him.
"Sure, Andy, go ahead."
"Will you come with me?"
He knew I was talking about the psychiatry, there was nowhere else I could go. And I knew that my mother was watching us, listening to every word I said. Somehow, I felt bad for never saying a word to her after my father died, but on the other hand, I simply couldn't. My mouth wouldn't open around anyone but Joe. Sure, she was my mother, but I thought that Joe was the only one who could actually understand me and know what I wanted. I didn't need her pity and mourning, I needed Joe's childish excitement and his stupid jokes.
"Of course!", Joe chuckled, nodding exaggeratedly.
I grinned for the first time in days, looking up at him.
"Thank you ..."
Joe hesitated for a second, then he stepped forwards and wrapped his arms around me, giving me time to pull back, but I didn't. It simply felt right, like I had waited for it.
"Don't mention it, that's what friends are for."
Lacking a better reaction, or even an acceptable answer, I simply nodded, pulling him closer to me and resting my head on his shoulder. Immediately, his hand moved up to play a bit with my longer hair, messing it up completely. Not that it really mattered to me ...
"I'm just, I don't know, I guess I'm scared of the doctors.", I admitted quietly.
"Well, don't worry, I can defend you!"
"So you will be my knight?"
Joe laughed quietly and nodded.
"Of course, my princess."
Shaking my head, I pulled back again, looking him straight in the eyes. Usually, I would close mine, trying to avoid the eye contact at any cost, but with Joe, everything was different. Everything was easier. Maybe it was the knowledge that in front of him, I couldn't make myself look like a bigger fool than him, that was impossible. Maybe it was the knowledge that he was a dork. Whatever it was, it affected me and my brain enough to not care about my usual character.
"If I am a princess, I will need a crown."
"Then I will get you one for your royal birthday."
Back then I had thought Joe was simply joking, but afterwards I knew that my favourite nerd could be really serious about stuff like that. For my next birthday, he had actually gotten a small silvery crown for me. I still had it. I even packed it when I got here the first time, but Joe didn't know that. He was in my room every single day and he didn't know. He just didn't take the time to go through my stuff yet and I appreciated it, although it surprised me. Usually Joe was too curious for his own good.
"Dude, are you alright?", Joe asked suddenly, tapping my shoulder slightly. I nodded, starting to smile absently. I knew that I wasn't really reacting to him yet, but I was still lost in memory, he couldn't blame me for it.
Joe breathed out in relief, laughing slightly at his own mind. He knew that he could get worried easily, but looking at myself I knew why.
"Well, are you hungry already?", he asked on, apparently getting tired of my silence. He tended to ask me a lot to get me to talk and open up to him, but it barely worked. Even if I wanted to answer, I didn't know. I just had no idea if I was hungry. My stomach hurt, yes, but that didn't necessarily mean that I was hungry, that also happened when I was simply feeling uncomfortable. I didn't know what would make me uncomfortable at the moment ... So lacking a more specific answer, I shrugged.
Not caring that I hadn't answered properly (and probably because he himself was starving already), Joe stood up from the bed.
"I'll ask Zack for some food ... I'm hungry."
Without hesitating, I reached out and grabbed his hand. Immediately, his eyes clouded with worry again and he sat down next to me, squeezing my hand as tightly as possible without hurting me. This was probably the first time that I didn't want him to ask for food and he had no idea how to handle the situation.
"I'm sorry", I whispered, not even sure myself what I was apologising for now.
"Don't be. It's alright", Joe tried to reassure me, not letting go of my hand.
"I just, I know that you would like to meet other people ..." Wow. That was an incredible long sentence for me ...
"Don't worry about that, Andy, I'm happy spending time with you!"
"I know you aren't ...", I disagreed, shaking my head slowly. I couldn't believe that Joe would actually prefer sitting here alone than being around other guys he could talk about guitars with. People that would actually answer him and not stare off into space and be caught in their own mind all the time.
Joe sighed quietly, looking directly into my eyes until I looked down at our hands again.
"What am I supposed to do? You are more important to me than anybody else and if making sure you are okay means that I have to stay here all day with you, then I'll gladly do so."
I quickly stood up, pulling him along.
"Andy, don't be angry ..."
He didn't seem to believe me, but it was the truth. I wasn't angry or even surprised.
"I want lunch", I exclaimed, walking towards the door.
"Should I ask Zack now?", he offered again, but that wasn't what I was trying to do. What did Jorel always tell me? Confrontation therapy. And I felt like today was the day to start that. I felt confident today and I hoped that feeling wouldn't pass too soon. I could deal with one day for Joe.
"I want to get lunch with the others", I mumbled quietly, making Joe's eyebrows shoot upwards in surprise, while I just shrugged. Before I could think differently, Joe started to smile like a young child on Christmas, showing me exactly why I wanted to do this. My best friend jumped up and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer, but I wasn't ready for the contact, so I shied away again. Of course, Joe let me go again quickly and gave me some space.
"Are you sure though?"
For a second my mind screamed that I wasn't, that I wanted to stay here, but I shut the voice down, smiling softly and nodding again, opening the door.
As soon as we walked into the cafeteria together, I reached out for Joe's hand who squeezed it again. Immediately everybody looked up at us, but I tried to ignore half of the people in the room, telling myself there weren't many. So Pete, Gabe, Gerard and Brendon had to leave my sight for a second to calm down my speeding up heartbeat. Instead I tried to focus on William and Patrick, who were both grinning widely, William almost looking like a girl talking about her first date with her crush. But to be honest, William often looked like a girl gushing about her crush. The smile on Patrick's lips was rarer, but also more hesitant. Next to them was a small kid I'd never seen before with dark hair who was keeping extremely close to Gerard. He didn't say anything, but simply waved at me. That was an easy greeting to repeat, so I just waved back. Glancing back next to me I saw the proud smile on Joe's lips.
"Let's get over there", he whispered in my ear, leading me over to the table, but always checking up on me. Luckily I could sit down where I wanted to, so I placed myself between Patrick and Joe, who never let go of my hand. Patrick simply grinned at me.
"Glad to see you around again, mate."
"Actually nice to talk to someone normal again", William joked, laughing quietly to himself. Like I said, such a girl. Even though my heart was racing and my mind was shouting at me not to talk to people, I couldn't help but smile at them.
"So what did I miss?", I asked quietly.
"Well, Pete fucks Mikey ..." He ignored the shouts coming from Pete. "Frank is new. And Gerard fucks Frank." He also ignored the shouts coming from Gerard. "Oh, and J-Dog is sharing condoms with everybody that he randomly has in his jeans pockets. Not much as you can see."
"And Patrick's got a girl ...", Dallon chimed in, grinning at the strawberry blonde, only to be flipped off by a blushing Patrick.
"Who's the lucky one?"
"Piss off! I don't have a girlfriend!"
"But you want one ...", Dallon insisted, not giving up just like that.
"Just because you don't on your gay ass."
That was when Brendon decided to join in as well: "Excuse you! Nobody says anything about Dallon's fabulous ass!"
I grinned to myself, looking away from them again, but that was when I noticed the new kid, Frank I guessed, hadn't said a word yet, but only stared at us, listening to the conversation. But he must've known most of the gossip already, because apparently, he was the one fucking Gerard. And he definitely was the top. Not because he was tall or anything, he was a hobbit, but because Gerard was definitely a bottom. What? Just because I didn't say anything, didn't really mean that I was innocent!
"You must be Frank ... I'm Andy", I introduced myself carefully, not really sure what to say. Joe smiled happily at me, squeezing my hand every so often. He was obviously surprised, but he didn't seem to mind that I started to open up to people.
"Well, nice to meet you ... you're right, but I guess you figured that out from Patrick talking about my private life ..."
"Yeah ... Gerard must be happy to get laid."
"Excuse me! I'm not some horny teenager!", Gerard complained, but judging from everyone's look, nobody believed him. After a second of looking around, he flipped us all off, pouting to himself. "Fuck you!"
"Look at him, trying to get some porn!", Gabe laughed, noticing that now all eyes were on him.
"Says the one stalking every fucking couple in this building", Pete muttered, but no one listened to him.
"That was one time!"
"Yeah, well, they only fucked once, so that's 100% of the time! It's harsh enough that I have to hear about my little innocent brother having sex, I don't need you to see it!", Gerard groaned, head in his hands, probably stopping it from falling onto the table repeatedly.
"Innocent my ass ...", Pete whispered not loud enough for Gerard to hear, who would've killed himself. As if he didn't know that Mikey had a serious daddy kink. I knew it and I never left my room.
Actually, I thought this conversation was quite okay. I was doing better than I thought I would and my heart wasn't jumping out of my chest yet.
"Gerard, I'm sorry to inform you, but your brother is the kinkiest shit on earth."
This time, I just cracked up in laughter, making room for Mikey to punch Joe lightly in the face. Well ... lightly ... But I didn't care. Everything felt so normal, as if I had been spending every day with them. And they didn't act as if anything was off. No weird questions, no stupid statements, just some guys hanging out together while eating lunch (or stealing Pete's lunch when he wasn't looking in Mikey's case). At that moment, I couldn't be more thankful for them and their weird, but open-minded personalities who seemed to understand that I didn't want to be addressed directly all the time. However, I was relieved when Joe and I left the cafeteria again, directly after finishing our food and waving goodbye to the over-crowded table from which we heard a mix of goodbyes and several insults at each other as a reply. Idiots. All idiots.
Back in the comforting silence of my own room, Joe let go of my hand and sat down on my bed, back against the wall. In other words: he returned to the position he was in most of the days. Today, however, his eyes still mirrored his happiness about being able to talk to all the other dumbasses again.
"I'm proud of you, you know? Like, you did extremely well today."
Thinking of an answer for a second, I simply smiled back at him, before responding: "I just wanted a change. I felt like it would be time for it."
Joe grinned, but reached out for my arm again, trying to get me to sit with him.
"It's a good change. But you should remember not to push yourself too hard. Nobody is expecting you to stand Pete yet."
I shrugged. I actually didn't mind Pete that much. Sure, he was annoying sometimes, but overall he was a nice kid. I would hate to spend all days with him, but I wouldn't die from one conversation. At least Pete knew his boundaries. I would be more worried about Gabe and Brendon, even though I knew they both meant no harm.
"Do you want to spend the session in Jay's office, too? You don't have to, I mean, I just wanna know", Joe asked suddenly, making me listen to him again instead of thinking who would win the 'Most Annoying Person' award this year. Honestly, it was obviously Gabe. Last year it had also been Gabe. Actually, it was and would always be Gabe. Not to get me wrong, I loved the Uruguayan, but he could be quite annoying when he was trying to get the gossip and it was kinda scaring me already. After all, you never knew when he'd show up.
Before I could think about the pros and cons to Joe's question at all, I nodded slowly, surprising myself.
"Yeah ... if you still tag along!"
Joe nodded immediately, pulling me closer to him in order to ruffle my hair. He always told me to cut it, but I couldn't be bothered. I hated strangers touching my hair and no way in hell I was gonna let him close to it with scissors. That guy was a complete mess.
"Of course, mate, always! But there's something else bothering you, isn't there?"
"I don't know. I won't be able to sleep later tonight", I mumbled, trying not to think of the countless restless hours I had spent alone after just talking to my aunts and shit. I didn't want to know what it would be like later on.
"Don't worry, princess, I got ya!", Joe chuckled, smiling reassuringly.
Leaning up slightly, I pressed a short kiss on his nose, moving back quickly again, but Joe only grinned at me.
"Getting touchy already, huh?"
Joe shook his head, preventing me from moving further away with one arm, before kissing my forehead.
"Don't apologise to me, man. I don't mind, and you should definitely know that by now."
"You're not gay."
"I'm not a cat either, doesn't mean I don't like cats."
Just half an hour later we were both standing in front of Jay's office door with only one big difference: I was shaking like crazy and Joe was simply smiling at me. How could he be so fucking calm? Oh, right ... he wasn't a fuck up.
I nodded again. It was no use to turn back now. Sure, we could, but ... I already agreed on going out of my room more often, I couldn't retreat in my private bed again and let Joe's hopes down again.
Joe grinned and knocked on the door, the loud sound matching my sped up heartbeat as I tried not to let Joe notice. He did, anyways.
"Dude, you're panicking. Do you wanna go back?"
"What are you talking about? I'm fine."
"You're either having an asthma attack, or a panic attack, so please, choose."
"I'm just a bit nervous ..."
Joe was about to answer something, when the door opened and Jay's figure became visible, still scribbling down notes.
"Sorry, mate, but I gotta head to Andy's, ask Zack if you need drugs."
Then he looked up, staring at me, his lips turning into a sly smile.
"Nevermind, I guess ..."
Luckily, Joe sensed that I couldn't be bothered with explaining, so he took over: "Andy wanted to get out of his room."
"Well, come in then! I'm happy to skip the morning sports."
"It's literally about walking twenty meters", Joe pointed out, making me smile to myself while I pressed my body as close as possible to Joe when we entered, not daring my eyes to look around.
"Fuck off, Joe!"
The doctor (however he got in this position at all) turned back to me and smiled softly, motioning for me to sit down on the couch. I thought about sitting close to Joe, but he wasn't having that. He just placed himself in the middle of the two-seater and pulled me to sit on his lap, keeping his arms around my waist. Jay obviously had seen gayer sitting positions, he didn't even blink an eye.
"So, Andy, how are you feeling today? Or rather, how are you feeling right now? Yeah, let's start with that ..."
I hesitated for a second, not able to speak. I had spoken to Jay before, it wasn't like he was a complete stranger, but somehow, my brain wasn't having it today. All I could do was sit and stare. Not that this was a surprise to Jay at all, he just gave me some time, before looking at Joe for an answer. At least he didn't repeat the question a million times like I was stupid (as my first therapist had done), but he understood that I wouldn't talk right now and therefore, he didn't try to push me. It was easier to ask Joe than to insist on me giving a reply he would understand.
"He's weary at the new environment, I think, but otherwise he seems to be doing well", Joe explained, looking at me to give him a thumbs up, showing my agreement. Honestly, that was a better sentence than most I could say and he didn't even need to think about the structure. Sometimes I believed that it was the devil telling him grammar mysteries. Leave me alone, I think the devil is an English teacher.
"And when did you leave the room last time? Before coming here that is."
This time, Jay looked directly at Joe who smiled proudly.
"Just an hour ago. We ate lunch with the idiots."
Jay nodded, scribbling something into his notebook that in the end nobody but him could read anyways.
"You're improving the situation daily, Andy, it's a very good progress you're showing at the moment. I would like you to keep that up."
I smiled back at him, making him grin like a child on Christmas day.
"The reason for this, of course, is your handsome psychiatrist named Jorel. You're welcome, sweetheart."
Shaking my head, I looked at Joe who laughed like he had heard the best joke in days. Well, he laughed like he usually laughed. Joe was a crazy mind after all.
"What am I now? Your damsel in need?", I asked quietly, squeezing Joe's hand as tightly as possible without breaking his bones.
"Then I am the knight, you dork!", Joe replied, grinning. He loved playing the hero ever since we were toddlers and probably nothing would change that in a few years. Not that I minded at all, it was nice having him around all the time.
"Damn, you kids are all watching way to many movies, nowadays!", Jay joked, barely looking at us, as if he was scared he would catch us kissing or something. Sure, he wasn't homophobic or so, but he could probably live without the image of his patients making out in his head.
"Just a quick suggestion: How about you start eating lunch with the other patients more regularly? You survived today, it won't get worse."
"I-I can't do this e-every day!", I disagreed, just the thought of eating with them every single day making my mind freak out again.
"I'm not talking about every day, Andy, just regularly. Find a pattern that you feel comfortable with. There's no need to start with 100%, we can work our way up there more slowly, but I would really like you to continue eating with other patients. That way, you can practice your charisma skills and maybe one day you'll be able to talk to people you don't know. I'm not sure, but you could start trying to befriend Patrick, he's a very nice guy and not as ... pushy as Pete."
Seriously, what was everyone's deal with Pete? I got why most people thought of him as ... not the shy kid in the corner, but what did they expect to earn from talking him down all the time when he wasn't there? It wasn't like he could change his personality. And it couldn't help him for sure. I didn't know Pete, I didn't know if he was okay with this, if he even knew, but I knew that even Joe would be easily pissed off by this. And if Joe was pissed of, shit hit the fan.
"I was thinking maybe once a week? Can you do that Andy?", Joe suggested, looking at me expectantly.
"Huh? Yeah ... Sure ..."
Jay quickly agreed as well, writing it down again. Usually, I would be nervous about someone else reading this file, everything he wrote down about me, but knowing that nobody could ever read it, I felt okay. Well, as okay as I could, sitting in an unfamiliar room with two other people inside while freaking out about minorities. Seriously, since when did I feel the need to care about how a stranger felt? I didn't even know what I would do if I knew. It would just lead to awkward silence. I wasn't good at starting conversations and stuff, but I was pretty sure that 'Hey, what do you think about everybody insulting you everyday' wasn't the best starter. In fact, if I ever came face to face with Pete and nobody else around, I would be too shy to say anything anyways, other than maybe greet him. No conversations for me. So why did I even worry? Why did I think about it? Was it just my brain's way to tell me that I had screwed up again? I needed a dictionary for that stupid organ in my head, it was being cryptic again!
"So, Andy, Joe, I guess I see you tomorrow ... just let us know if you need something?"
"Us? Please, Jay, you're all alone ..."
"I mean Zack and Rian. They're the ones running from room to room."
"Do you include yourself there."
Jay sighed and looked at me.
"Andy, would you please take your royal knight to your room and chain him to your bed so that he doesn't stand up again."
"Sorry, Jay, I'm not into the kinky shit."
"Well that was an eventful day ...", I mumbled quietly, grinning to myself. Something actually had happened today. Like, not just sitting around, only leaving the room to go to the bathroom. And I was worn out, my heart was still beating faster than usual, but I felt good. It had been nice seeing the others again, talk to them and actually get to see that Frank guy everybody was talking about. Well, everybody Joe talked to at least, which meant Zack, Rian and maybe Pete or Patrick. I actually liked him, he seemed to be pretty cool, but on the other hand, I wouldn't be able to leave my room tomorrow again. No chance. One day a week was more than enough for me at the moment. Sure, they were all nice and nothing bad had happened, but I wasn't the party goer in this psychiatry.
"Indeed, man, I didn't think you would leave your room that quickly again. You were doing pretty good."
I chuckled quietly, shaking my head.
"I was freaking out most of the time."
"Well, yeah, but you still went out there. You showed your mind what the fuck you can do. That's heroic if you ask me."
Before he could say any more, I walked over to my closet, pulling out the crown I had still hidden in there. Putting it on, I turned around to see Joe's priceless expression.
"You still have that old thing?", he asked, starting to laugh quietly to himself, shaking his head in disbelief.
I walked back over to the bed and sat down again, pulling Joe with me so that he was sitting close by.
"You said you still were my knight, that means that I'm still the princess, right?"
"Of course, you idiot, but do you also want to wear a dress to complete the costume? Because I'm sure it would look good on you."
"Why are you being so silly again?", I asked, making him laugh even harder.
"Because you're adorable", he replied, ruffling my hair, before frowning a little.
"Are you sure you don't want a cut though?"
I had survived today's lunch and session out of my room and with other people than Joe. I should be able to survive half an hour with someone cutting my hair, right?
"I want one."
"Yeah, but no way in hell you're gonna do it! I ain't letting you close to that!", I warned him, making him pout at me.
"But I'm such a great hair stylist."
"You're an asshole", Joe complained, but before I could answer, he continued: "But whatever. I'll ask Zack tomorrow to arrange something. I can't be bothered right now."
I nodded slowly, showing my agreement with his suggestion and simply ignoring his lame insult. The first time, I thought that he actually had had enough of me, but by now I was used to him being a moron. Instead of thinking about whether or not to insult him back, I decided that my bed looked pretty comfy and that laying down would be much easier than talking. But of course, I couldn't just let sleep wash over me in jeans and a Ramones t-shirt, so I pulled both off, throwing them somewhere in the corner of my room, before putting on some sweatpants and letting my body fall face first onto the soft mattress. I didn't even bother taking off my glasses yet, I just wanted to sleep. My eyes were already closing slowly and I barely felt Joe's fingers remove my glasses and the crown, setting both down on the small table next to my bed. Usually, I was the one to remind him not to sleep in his glasses or contacts, but today the roles were switched. When he started to change into more comfy clothes as well, I turned to lay on my back, staring up to the ceiling and the stupid small smiley drawn on it. Joe had put it there the first time he noticed that whenever I was deep in thoughts, I would be staring at the ceiling for a long period of time. It was his way of telling me not to let my dark thoughts win over. But it was also his way of reminding me to come back to reality. It was my anchor. Right now, however it was no use. My thoughts were drifting off, reminding me of all the people I had talked to, all the people that had seen and heard me, all the people who even knew about my presence. And Joe was in the middle of it. No matter how often he would reassure me that he didn't mind, he couldn't mean that. He was an extroverted guy, how would he be okay with being stuck here with me. What did the others think of us? Did they think that I hated them because I rarely showed myself? Did they hate me for it? What the fuck was going on? Why wasn't the answer to everything 42? And what the heck did I do to deserve having these people around who acted like they cared. Like they didn't want to hurt me. Why were they still here?
"Andy, stop using your brain cells! You're doing yourself no favor."
Only then, upon hearing Joe's voice, I noticed that my heart was beating out of my chest, I was having trouble to catch a breath and my eyes were brimming with tears.
"What's a favor if you don't deserve it?", I asked back quietly, willing myself not to let myself cry.
I could hear Joe sigh in annoyance and ... sympathy? Then I could feel his strong arms wrap around my waist as he laid down next to me.
"You deserve the world, Andy. Don't let your mind tell you otherwise", he whispered quietly, pulling me as close as possible so he wouldn't fall off the small bed that was most definitely not meant for two people.
And in the warmth his body was giving and the sound of his calm heartbeat, I could calm my own heart down again. For a second, I believed his words, I wanted to believe them. And quickly, I came to rest and fell asleep.