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No one cares about Marius' lonely soul (or penis).

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Marius has a new phone.


A shiny new touch screen with buttons that make the loveliest little noises when they’re clicked, unlimited data usage, pictures messaging with an unbelievably high megapixel camera, and the option to send group text messages, which is something he’s been waiting for. And Marius is certainly and completely struck to the bone in a moment of breathless delight.


He’s still getting the hang of the phone as a whole when the thought occurs to him. On his old phone – a crappy slider without a full keyboard – it made it nearly impossible to text with ease. Specifically, to text Cosette with ease.


And Marius, being Marius, was often reading women’s magazines in search of information regarding the complicated subject of the female mind; recently he had read an article about sexting, something he had never even considered doing. But now he has this fantastic new device and feels like he has all of the power in the world – so why not wield it?


Ah, yes. He’ll show Cosette that he, too, has the ability to be sexy and spontaneous while being a pure and utter technology wizard.


Marius: Hey Cosette! Hamburgers, going


Marius: Sorry, autocorrect *how’s it going?


He smiles proudly at his accomplishment.


Cosette: Hello my love <3 how is your new phone?


Marius: Grapes


Marius: *great


He scratches his head for a moment, running his finger over the screen. Okay, so this autocorrect business would take awhile to get used to, sure. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t be irresistible to his girlfriend at the same time.


Cosette: Are you still coming over for dinner tonight? :D


Cosette: <3


Marius: Yes But you Know what I


Marius: Sorry, I hit enter. You know what I am thinking of right now


Cosette: ???


Marius smiles proudly to himself. He has crafted the perfect reply that, as the magazine said, would make her squirm. Over the course of the now two year relationship, they have become perfectly comfortable with each other, but dainty little Cosette and Socially Awkward Marius have not yet mastered the whole seductive side of the relationship.


Marius: I’m thinking of you Naked ;)




Marius blinks rapidly and nearly drops his new little device. Courfeyrac is next to ‘Cosette <3’ in his contacts, and his finger must have slipped because of the touch screen. He feels himself blush even if it’s just him alone.


Marius: Sorry wrong nacho


Marius: *number


Courfeyrac: WELL I MEAN, if you’re into that…


Marius, flustered, shakes his head and switches back to Cosette’s number, certain to check that it’s indeed her number. He resends the text, exhaling.


Cosette: awh <3


Uh oh. He has stumbled upon a roadblock. How does one reply to ‘awh’ in this situation, exactly?


Marius: You have a nice body.


Once again, he smiles proudly just to himself, admiring his practically flawless and sensual text message. His cheeks are blooming with red, and he licks his lips.


Jehan: Thank you, Marius! Have a lovely day!


He stares at his phone again in disbelief. How on earth had he managed to send Jehan the text message rather than Cosette? He must have been going to fast, he concludes, and is careful to resend the misfire text to Cosette instead. At least it was just Jehan. If it was Courfeyrac or Grantaire, he’d never hear the end of it, surely.


Cosette: Thanks Marius J you know what is nice on you?


Ah, so she is catching on! Marius gives himself an invisible pat on the back when he gets another text.


Cosette: your thingie :P


Shivers run up his spine. She said thingie. Damn, she’s good at this.


Marius: I’d like to fondle Your Breasts!


Courfeyrac: marius.


He ignores Courfeyrac and resends his text to Cosette.


He actually cannot even freaking handle himself right now because it feels like a sex god has completely crawled out of the inner depths of his soul. He wonders if this impeccable way with words is turning her on.


She reads his mind.


Cosette: ohhhh haha I’m turned on <3


Marius: I am turned on Toad


Marius: *too


Cosette: ur so hot when you’re turned on <3


Marius can feel his heart thumping in his chest. Okay, she is good at this or something because he didn’t think that a piece of digital technology could even make him this aroused and somehow she has done it.


And he thinks to himself for a moment. They’re both mature, responsible adults, and he decides that he wants to take it a step further. Taking a deep breath, he decides to type out a whole new sort of message.


Marius: I’d like to place my penis in your vagina ;)


He sits back and waits. His heart is pounding in anticipation along with an equal amount of worry, given that he has never really talked to her like this before. Will she like it? Or will she think he’s icky? His phone buzzes with a flurry of texts.


Enjolras: Explain to me how this furthers our cause.


Enjolras: Oh, right! It doesn’t!


Enjolras: France before pants, Marius! We’ve gone over this before! Dammit!


Marius actually thinks he is at the pinnacle of his embarrassment and wants to do nothing more but absolutely disappear for the rest of eternity. He types back a jumbled response.


Marius: Swamp


Marius: *sorry Eggs


Marius: *England


Marius: *Engagement


Marius: *Enjolras


Enjolras: It’s always about the name, isn’t it.


Sighing, he runs a hand through his hair and realizes how emotionally exhausting sexting actually is. When Courfeyrac had told him about his sexual adventures and mentioned using communication devices, he certainly hadn’t mentioned autocorrect. Or touchscreen malfunctions. He sends that same text to Cosette, anyway, figuring that at this point he really has nothing to lose.


Cosette: you’re making me blush haha <3


Cosette: I like ur penis


Marius: thx I like your Boobs


Cosette: ;) Want to touch them?


Marius: yeah. Really bad


He’s grinning widely now, elated on his impeccable sexual energy and impressed with how much more comfortable he has become with the whole concept of sexting as a whole.


This sudden burst of confidence has his fingers flying, and he sends the text without thinking.


Marius: I’m really hard ;)


Combeferre: I’m uncomfortable. Is everything all right, Marius? Do I need to call Joly?!


Combeferre, Courfeyrac, and Cosette… why do all of his friends have names that start with the letter C of which makes them sit next to each other in his contact list?! Freaking.


Marius: It’s ok


He sends the same text to Cosette, a tad distraught.


Cosette: Ooooh ;)


He’s on an emotional rollercoaster with this whole sexting deal.


Marius: I want 2 be in you


Enjolras: For fuck’s sake, Marius.


Marius: oh sorry Endoscopy


Marius: *Enjoy


Marius: *Eccentric


Marius: *Epidermis


Marius: *Eviction


Enjolras: I’m going to block your number.


Marius clamps down on his lip and nearly slaps himself in the face out of frustration. All he wants to freaking do is show his girlfriend how much of a sex fiend he really is, and this phone was proving to make it the most impossible and embarrassing process. So, he resends the test messages, adding a little bit of pizzazz.


Marius: I want 2 be in you Ugh I’m so horned


Marius: *Hopkins






Marius: I hit enter again






Marius: haha Joke,


By the end of his rant, he’s trembling in anger, and he lets out a frustrated huff of breath in disbelief. He sits back, waiting for something, anything that will make this difficult process even slightly worth it. It’s taking an obscene amount of his time and energy. The magazines said this would be sexy and carefree, and this is certainly lacking the latter. His phone buzzes, and he’s praying that maybe Cosette will have a really awesome reply and—


Cosette’s Dad: What



“VALJEAN!” Javert’s scream is coming from the kitchen, so Awkward Valjean comes hobbling in hurriedly, worried that his boyfriend has been hurt or maimed or something of the sort. But when he enters the kitchen, Javert is just holding Valjean’s phone in his hand in a grip that’s turning his knuckles white.




“Who is this person who is sending you sexual text messages? That said person is hard?” Javert is fuming, and he’s nearly shaking in anger and confusion.


Valjean is equally confused, “Why, I don’t know! What is the name of the number! On the contact!” He’s flustered now.


“Marius? Pontmercy?”