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The Scrod Couple

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Prologue – An Excuse for Moving in

Hux:  Ren, you used my toothbrush again.

Ren:  (blearily) What?  How can you tell?

Hux:  Only you chew a toothbrush into something resembling a Corellian fuzz-worm after one use. (waves brush at Ren)  LOOK at this!

Ren:  (squinting at very-ruined toothbrush) Hmm, maybe I did.  (waits a beat)  But only because I forgot to bring mine.  I get confused when we switch rooms so often.

Hux:  That does it, you’ll just have to move in with me. 

Ren:  REALLY? 

Hux:  (tosses toothbrush into recycler) Oh yes, the credits I’ll save on toothbrushes alone will make it worth the effort. 

Chapter One – Ashes to Ashes

Hux: (flinging his arms out dramatically) For the last time, Ren, body parts and blood do NOT belong in our quarters!! I don't care HOW fresh they are! It's a biohazard!

Ren: Hux, to make ashes from my enemies, I first have to INCINERATE the bodies, it doesn't happen by magic!

Hux: *snort* Someone is already making an ash of himself...

Ren: Did... did you just make a joke?

Hux: Look, the only parts I want in our quarters are yours, take the spare bits from your latest conquest away.

***several hours later***

Ren: (sullenly) There, all done, GENERAL, nice clean ashes. (growls) Happy now?

Hux: I'm allergic to ashes.

Ren: (starts breathing hard)

Hux: Careful, you'll hyperventilate. Wait, what are you DOING with that lightsaber?!

Ren: Redecorating.

***one hour later***

Hux: (speaking quietly) You will be discreet about this, won't you?

Techie: Of course! Leave everything to us, Matt and I will get it all shipshape in no time.

***

Matt: WOW! What was this before Lord Ren melted it into a lump of slag? (holds up fist-sized crystalline globule resembling a lump of wax drippings)

Techie: Hmm, I think it was a nightstand water-glass.

Matt: That's just amazing. He's so powerful. (sighs happily)

Techie: I’ve got some replacement wiring for the environmental control unit in my bag, could you pass them over?

Matt: Sure, here. (looks at the bed) Dunno what we're going to do about the sheets and mattress except order new ones from stores.  Good thing they’re fire-resistant, but Lord Ren sure chopped them up.

Techie: (examines another melted artifact with wide eyes) Was this a ... toy??

Matt: What?! NO! (stares) Well, um... maybe?

***collective embarrassed giggling***

Techie: Moving along...

Matt: Right! (off-key whistling)

***Some hours later***

Hux: Much better!

Ren: How did you get it all repaired so fast?

Hux: My maintenance team is top-notch. (smirk)

Ren: Your team left mints on our pillows.

Chapter Text

Techie and Matt have successfully discarded most of the ruins taken from Hux and Kylo's quarters. There's just that one melted artifact that fascinates Techie so, and which he's brought back to his and Matt's rooms.

Techie: (on his belly on their bed) So what do you think this was?

***stares at the melted thing that was previously…something***

Matt: (not looking at the melted thing) We shouldn’t have taken that.

Techie: The general asked us to remove everything that Kylo Ren destroyed. We had to take it. Along with the ruined mattress and coffee machine, the lamp and cleaning droid, the stuffed gundark, the turbo dart board, the Chiss particle canon, and the Hoth snow machine. (pokes the melted thing) Do you think this was what we thought? (whispers) Some sort of toy?

Matt: (still not looking but fidgeting now)

Techie: (whispers lower) I mean Kylo Ren and General Hux must have sex, right?

Matt: (still not looking, but blushing a lot)

Techie: (finally noticing the blushing and the not looking and the fidgeting) Matt.

Matt: (jumps a guilty mile)

Techie: You actually know what this was.

Matt: (tries to be invisible)

Techie: (whispering) What was it?

Matt: (waits for a bit more convincing)

Techie: (nuzzles Matt’s jaw) Maaaattie?

Matt: (waits for a bit more convincing)

Techie: (licks Matt's ear)

Matt: (fast fast fast) The melted thing may or may not have been a glass butt plug shaped like Lord Ren’s lightsaber you can get them from a shop on Yulant and I also may or may not have one just like it that I never showed you because I was embarrassed it’s okay I’ll get rid of it I promise please don’t leave me.

***Techie licks a bit more, grins, then reaches under their bed and digs out a dusty box***

Techie: Do you mean this pretty thing?

Matt: (hopeful face)

Techie: Let's play.

***

Hux: There's so much more room in our quarters since your…let's call it spring cleaning.

Kylo: (grumbles)

Hux: Don't be that way darling. It'll give us much more space to…entertain ourselves. In that spirit, I've bought you a present.

Kylo: (rolls onto his belly on their bed) What?

Hux: (hands over a smallish box)

Kylo: (opens it)

Hux: Do you like it?

Kylo: (whispers) Oh Hux, it's just like the one I melted!

Hux: (whispers lower) But much bigger.

***Kylo removes the pretty plug from the box***

Kylo: (hopeful face)

Hux: Let's play.

As you can see, Murasaki99 and I may have lost our minds. Please do not help us find them, I think they may be better off where they are. We’ll take turns writing chapters of this…is it a story? therapy? wishful thinking? Hers was the first, this one is mine, hers is next. Please enjoy the wee madness with us!

Chapter Text

Hux:  Krifff, my head.  I knew we shouldn’t have killed that entire bottle of Rishii Booga-Looga in one go, I … I … (Stares in horror)  Great galaxy, there’s something wrong with my eyes!!  Everything is upside down!

Ren:  Omffgh.

Hux:  Ren, does the room look all right to you?  I can’t see anything in the correct orientation.  (Groans and clutches his head) And it’s not helping my nausea one bit.

Ren:  Hurrrgh.  *Wookie noises* Rff, grrrnk.

Hux:  (Covering his eyes with his hands) Right, I’m going to take a deep breath and try again.  (Uncovers his eyes)  Kriff.  No good.  Ren, can you see OK?  I’m thinking the liquor was off.

Ren:  (Coughs and groans) That swill is meant to be “off”.  M’not opening my eyes till the sandpeople quit sawing my skull open with rusty knives.

Hux:  Wasn’t me who brought bottles of unknown contraband into our quarters.

Ren:  Everyone in the cantina ran off when I came in…

Hux:  (Murmurs) Wonder why?  You were waving your lovely lightsaber, I’m sure, nothing for anyone to worry about. 

Ren:  (With a faint smile) ‘Zactly.  And th’bottles the death gang left were a pretty color, so I grabbed them.  Unopened, too.

Hux:  You picked them out by the color of the bottle?  (Rolls his eyes and immediately regrets it)  Good thing we only drank the one.

At least open your eyes and tell me… wait a moment.  (Plucks at the edge of the blanket, which appears to be dangling “up”, rubs his face, picks a bit of lint from his nightshirt and lets it go, watching it fall “up”) 

We’re on the ceiling, that’s what’s wrong!  My eyes are fine!  Ren, we’re on the ceiling!

Ren:  S’nice, lemme sleep.  (Zzzzz)

Hux:  No, wake up!  If we’re on the ceiling it’s because of your Force-nonsense! Put us down right now – gently, mind you.

Ren:  (Pulling blanket over his head) Maaybe it’s the ship’s gravs?

Hux:  (Pulls the blanket back, glaring at Ren, who seems impervious) The gravity is fine, it is just that you are holding us and our bed to the ceiling.  Stars know how you managed it all night long, but I need you to put us gently down on the floor, bed and all, where we belong, do you understand me? 

Ren:  Right now?  Need sleep.

Hux:  Sleep after you get us down.  Last thing I – or you – need is to be dropped on our heads because you lost concentration.

Ren:  M’not concentrating.

Hux:  That makes me feel much better.  Come on, get the bed to perform a slow 180 roll and get us pointing, landing gear down, toward the deck, lower us, and then you can sleep and I can finally get up and get to the ‘fresher.

Ren:  (slitting open one eye) 'K, fine. (Bed starts turning in place)

Hux:  No-no-no, that’s a yaw, you want a roll.  (Makes a series of hand gestures)

Ren:  Who’s flying this thing?  You or me?  (Yawns)

Hux:  At the moment, no one is flying.

Ren:  ‘K rolling…  (Bed performs an alarming hairpin turn)

Hux:  Gah!  Stoppit right now!  (Grabs at Kylo)  Let me fly it!

(Bed spins and swoops)

Ren:  That’s not how it works!  Quit grabbing at me, you’ll make us—

**CRASH!!**

***One hour later***

Hux:  I’m sorry for asking you again so soon, but…

Techie:  Wow.  (Blinks and focuses his cybernetic eyes on the bed)  Don’t worry, we’ll get it fixed.  Or replaced, maybe?

Hux:  Use your judgement, you and your… helper.  Send a requisition to Stores if you need anything.

Techie:  (Hugs his brother, then gives him a grin and a salute) Aye, sir!

***Ten minutes later***

Matt:  WOW! 

Techie:  Yeah.  (Nods at the bed, which is decidedly non-symmetrical)

Matt:  Just… wow!  What were they doing?  It’s like a bantha jumped on the bed!  Ten banthas!  (Looks alarmed) 

They didn’t have a fight, did they?  Is your brother all right?  Lord Ren is so strong…

Techie:  (Giggling) Noo, they didn’t fight, it was an accident. 

Matt:  (Scratching his hair) What’d they do, fly the bed around with the Force?

Techie:  Actually…

Matt:  Kriff!  C’mon!  (Eyes Techie, who is grinning widely)  ‘Kaaay, I believe it. 

What do you think? Can we fix it?  (Pulls a broken bed slat from the wreckage)  These are easy to replace, as long as the side-rails are in one piece.

Techie:  We can try – but check the legs on the bedframe, I think they may be bent.

Matt:  (Rolling up his sleeves) This calls for the multitool!

Techie:  I’ll order in a pack of new slats.

Matt:  Order a few extra, I think we broke one last night.  (Grins at Techie, who blushes prettily)

***Later***

Hux:  (Formally) My thanks for a job well done, men.  Here, a little bonus for your hard work.

Matt:  Thank you, sir!  (Salutes)

Techie:  What a pretty colored bottle!

Hux:  (Coughs) Just… don’t drink it all in one night, it’s very strong.

***that evening***

Techie:  It’s such a lovely bottle, I don’t want to open it.  What does the label say?

Matt:  The print is weird, but I think it says, “Booga-looga”.

Techie:  What a funny name!  (Holds up the bottle admiringly, stares)  Uh, Mattie?

Matt:  Yes?

Techie:  Where was this made?  There’s a bug or something in the bottle.  (Focuses his eyes to zoom in)  It’s as long as one of your fingers and it’s got lots of little legs.

Matt:  Ew.  Is it dead?  (Peers at the bottom of the bottle, which does indeed contain a long, wormlike creature)

Techie:  Yes.  I think it’s pickled.  (Grins)  Kind of like my brother and Lord Ren. 

Matt:  Well, Lord Ren and the General are way tougher than I am, how about we leave the bottle on the shelf for a trophy?

Techie:  (Snuggles up to Matt) That’s a fine idea. It’s a lovely color.  And we don’t need wine for entertainment.

Matt: (Blushing) So true. 

--Coda--

Ren:  EWww!  You didn’t tell me there was a caterpillar in the bottle!!

Hux: (Snorts) Squeamish?  Probably a traditional brewing practice – I hope.

Ren:  You don’t understand, we drank the whole bottle!  Where did the worm go??

Hux:  (Looks at the empty bottle from last night, scowling fiercely).  I have no idea.

Ren:  Ugh.  Makes my tongue feel creepy just thinking about it.

Hux:  We seem to have a spare bottle.  (Lifts unopened bottle with pickled occupant swirling in the bottom)

Ren:  …

 

 

I have not lost my mind, I left it in a safe place and I know exactly where to find it... um...

Chapter Text

Kylo: (peeks around doorframe) Hux, are you still mad about the bed? And the fire? And that syrup stuff that got all over the walls?

Hux: (writes something)

Kylo: Your brother and his boyfriend fixed the bed very nicely. And I cleaned the syrup.

Hux: (erases something)

Kylo: Hux?

Hux: (writes something)

Kylo: What're you doing?

Hux: (holds out chart) So, I've plotted these erratic episodes of yours and I've determined that your primal side needs a more regular outlet so as to avoid the explosive expression of your Force abilities. To that end I think we have should have carnal relations no fewer than three times a week and as many as six, up to one hour each time, with at least one episode comprising an extended 'scene' of some sort. We can try out various kinks during these, as you prefer, for example age play, pet play, bondage, role reversal, whatever appeals.

Kylo: (blinking)

Hux: Kylo?

Kylo: (blinking rather a lot)

Hux: Kylo?

Kylo: Hux, did you…have you made a sex schedule for us?

Hux: (eraser poised) No good? Too much?

Kylo: (blinking faster)

Hux: Are you crying?

Kylo: (flings off shirt, falls on Hux with a growl and a sob)

Hux: No! Wait!

Kylo: (waits)

Hux: We’re not scheduled for sex until tomorrow during shift three!

Kylo: (an actual breeze from all the blinking)

Hux: (erases very fast; writes very fast; throws chart on floor) Okay!

*They hit the floor before the chart does.*

*Turns out Kylo didn't get all the syrup but they don't really notice*

***Not very far away***

Matt: Your brother sure does make a lot of…sounds. During. That.

Techie: Until I met Lord Ren I thought Ari was the noisiest person I knew. He was always shouting about something. (gestures to their shared wall) Not that, not when we were kids, but always something.

Matt: Ari? You call your brother Ari?

Techie: It's prettier than his whole name.

Matt: You're pretty.

Techie: Oh, thank you Mat—

Matt: (flops on bed, nuzzles Techie)

Techie: (whispering) You do this you know.

Matt: (kisses Techie)

Techie: Every single time…

Matt: (more kissing)

Techie: …that you hear them…

Matt: (licking)

Techie: …doing…

Matt: (licking lower)

Techie: …what they're doing now…

Matt: (opening his mouth)

Techie: …you get—oh!—inspired.

Matt: (sucking)

Techie: Ooooooooh.

***Later***

Hux: (hands over the chart)

Techie: (eyes whir wide) Six times a week?

Hux: Well, at the outside.

Techie: (breathes faster)

Hux: We'll have to see what works.

Techie: (grinning stupidly wide)

Hux: I still don't quite understand why you want to know how often I intend on having relations with Kylo.

Techie: (far away look)

Hux: It feels strange, talking to my brother about my…(whispers) sex life.

Techie: (dreamy) Six times a week.

Hux: Techie?

Techie: (breathing faster)

Hux: Are you even listening to me?

Techie: (wanders off)

Hux: Give me back that chart!

*looks at chapter* You know, I seem incapable of not writing sex. To be fair, it's not an affliction against which I seem to struggle particularly hard. (Also to be fair, this chapter was partially stolen from my own comment on Murasaki's delightful Kylux fic It's a Classic. Enjoy!)

Chapter Text

Big Data

Kylo: Hey, your brother is ahead of us by two?!

Hux: What?

Kylo: The schedule you made - see this blue line? That's your brother and his boyfriend. This red line is us. They are ahead.

Hux: Is this a race?? This is NOT a competition. Who told you to even look at that?

Kylo: We have standards. Look! (Pokes chart) It's even more obvious as a bar graph!

Hux: Shouldn't have shown you how to use that software...

Kylo: (something in his robes pings)

Hux: (blinks) You're getting message alerts? Didn't think you were that interested in the goings-on of the Fleet?

Kylo: (trying to look innocent and failing) Nooo, it's just an alert related to our schedule. Your "maintenance crew" just logged some activity.

Hux: What? Wait... That's an invasion of privacy, you know!

Kylo: (with an arch look learned from Hux himself) Really General, don't you want our performance to conform to average metrics?

Hux: I'm... rubbing off on you. I'm not sure if I'm thrilled or horrified.

Kylo: (Grins widely).

Disclaimer

Ren: Before we go on much longer Hux, you need to read and sign this.  (Hands Hux a printed form)

Hux: The Skywalker Pre-Coital Legal Notice and Disclaimer??

Ren: (Looking stern) Read.

Hux: The undersigned party has read and does acknowledge the following: exchange of genetic material with a Skywalker may/will result in at least one, some, or possibly all of the following events:

  • Frustration
  • Loss of sanity
  • Random quests
  • Dire adventures
  • Possession
  • Potentially fatal encounters
  • Loss of limbs
  • Unhelpful Jedi preaching
  • Annoying Sith raving
  • Force-ghost visitations
  • Pregnancy (male/alien partners included)
  • Force-gifted scary offspring
  • Early death and/or abnormally extended lifespan
  • Problematic in-laws and relatives
  • Creepy former masters

Ren: Well?

Hux: (Scowling and wrinkling his nose) This is incorrect, I can’t sign it.

Ren:  (Looks surprised, then pouts) Too scary for the General?  After all we've been through?

Hux:  No don’t be silly.  (Points at form)  There’s a typo in the heading, see?  We’re “post-coital” not “pre-coital”.  There’s no point in signing this – those nerfs have definitely fled the barn.  (Looks away at a nonexistent horizon)  The nerfs may have left the solar system by now.

Ren:  (Staring at the paper) Why, it IS wrong!  And here I thought I was being proactive!  *sigh*

Hux:  I appreciate the thought, consider me warned.  (Flings the paper into the recycler)  Now then, about that coital thing, shall we discuss terms from a more comfortable vantage point?

Ren:  (Looking hopeful) Like our bed?

Hux:  Exactly.

***Sometime later***

Ren:  Relax, what could go wrong?

Hux:  Besides exploding my kidneys with the Force if you miscalculate? Nothing at all.

Ren:  I'm not aiming for your kidneys my dear General, just the nerves that control pleasure.  (Concentrates and Hux makes an odd squeaky noise)  There, see?

Hux:  (Looking very flushed and bright-eyed) Yes, well, that was very lovely.  (Takes a deep breath) Could you do that again?

Ren:  (Happily) Sure!  (Concentrates)

Hux:  (Tickles Ren suddenly)

Ren:  Yowp!! (Falls over onto their bed, then picks himself up)  You broke my concentration!

Hux:  Heh, so?

Ren:  (Looks around guiltily) Instead of limiting the effect to you, I think I generated an area-of-effect bubble.

Hux:  A bubble of what?  How large of a bubble?

Ren:  (Embarrassed) Er, I'm not sure.  (Makes a wide gesture with his hands)  A big orgasmic bubble.  Through the decks and everything.

Hux:  (Groans) We'll have to pretend nothing unusual happened.

***

Matt:  (Sitting up in bed) Whoa, all of a sudden I'm... warm and tingly all over.

Techie:  So it's not just me?

(Outside in the corridor, various crew are giggling and singing)

Matt:  No, I think we’ve got lots of company.

Techie:  (Smiling) Maybe we went through a hyperspace anomaly?

Matt:  I bet it was Lord Ren!

Techie:  Well, whatever it was, it was nice, and now that we're awake...

Matt:  (Grins and pulls Techie close)

Chapter Text

Hux:  Ren, we need a dedicated valet droid.

Ren:  What for?

Hux:  To clean up after you. (Points at floor)  I'm not sure what you fought before you returned to the ship, but you're leaving a trail of green ichor across the deck.

Ren:  (Looking at his boots and rotating squelchily in place) Oh, right. A couple Hutt crime-bosses wanted to double-cross us on a shipment of replacement parts for the hyperdrives, so I fixed the problem.

Hux:  Quit turning 'round in the slime! You're just spreading it.

Ren:  (Grins) It’s pretty slippery, too. I bet I could skate on it. (Proceeds to skid smoothly across the flooring, leaving a shiny slug-trail). Ha! Nice!

Hux:  (Hands over face) Cleaning droid, never mind a valet.  Maybe two cleaning droids.

Ren:  What?  Are you saying I’m messy?  (Looks indignant as he slides back toward Hux)

Hux:  No, you’re not messy, you are orders of magnitude beyond messy.  You are a veritable type 1a supernova of disorder.

Ren:  Am not!  (Waves arms dramatically)  Look at my tidy box of ashes! 

Hux:  The one Millicent has been playing in because someone won’t put a lid over it? 

---

Matt:  Your brother is yelling again.

Techie:  (Fixing a datapad) Mmm-hmm?  Are they having some fun?

Matt:  I don’t know, sounds more like a lot of swearing and a chant of “clean it up, clean it up!”

(Their cleaning droid, repaired after the “redecorating disaster”, makes an alarmed sound and scoots himself into their closet, slamming the door shut behind him.)

Techie:  (Listening for a few seconds) Oh dear, Lord Ren has done something involving Hutt slime.

Matt:  Do we want to find out what?

Techie:  No – I promised Lieutenant Mitaka I’d fix his holoviewer, I think now is a nice time for that.  (Stands up) Let’s pay him a visit.

Matt:  Sounds good, I’ll grab some vids.  We can pick up snacks from the commissary on the way.

Techie:  Let’s bring our droid, too, I wouldn’t want to leave him behind.  (Droid makes happy sounds and emerges from the closet)