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Sweep the Kitchen

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The six employees from Hawkeye's all smile politely as their server places their various drinks around the table. They murmur their thanks and appetizer orders, then wait until he leaves before they all slump into their seats.

"God, what a freakin' zoo," Gwen says before downing about half of her cherry coke.

"You never realize just how much Clint and Natasha do until they're both gone at the same time," Peter says.

"Hey," Luke says, "we may have had to deal with a crazy evening, but let's all spare a moment for the good detectives." He raises his bottle, and the others follow suit.

"To Coulson and Barnes," Darcy says solemnly. "May they both escape what will most likely be the double-date from hell relatively unscathed."

"To Coulson and Barnes," everyone says before taking a sip of their drinks.

Danny set his bottle back on the table "So, with Clint, Tasha, and now Jane doing the dirty with detectives, who do you think will be the next one of us to fall to the thin, blue, line?"

"I think you mean, who's going to be the next one of us to fall on the thick blue d-"

"Darcy!" Jane sputters into her cocktail then smacks her friend on the shoulder.

"Oh, come on!" Darcy says. "Thor's like seven feet tall, built like a linebacker, and named Thor; the guy has got to be packin'."

Danny nods absently. Gwen looks intrigued. Peter and Luke look like they'd rather be having dental work done than listen to this conversation.

"You have been, like, way perkier recently," Gwen says.

"That's because I'm happy," Jane says. "Thor is sweet, and kind, and..." Jane watches while Darcy lifts her glass and takes a large mouthful of beer. "And he's got a huge dick." Jane, along with everyone else at the table laughs delightedly as Darcy snorts, then sputters and squawks.

"Ow! Dammit, that went up my fucking nose!"

"Maybe you should try keeping your mind out of the gutter," Luke says.

Darcy narrows her eyes and smiles sweetly at him. "Maybe you should tell us what's going on between you and that private eye chick who's been hanging around lately."

Now it's Luke's turn to choke on his beer.

"Wait," Danny says, frowning, "what private eye chick?"

"Oooh, she's cute," Gwen says. "In an abrasive mess kind of way."

Jane and Peter look at each other and shrug.

"She's not-" Luke winces as his voice breaks. "I'm not... We're not..." He rests his forehead on the table and mutters something decidedly unkind about Darcy's parentage.

Darcy cackles.

"No, seriously," Danny says, poking Luke in the shoulder. "What private eye chick?"

Luke raises his head. "It's not... She's not... We're not..."

"Dude, stop before you tear something internal," Peter says. "Just say it's complicated."

Luke sighs. "It's complicated."

Danny crosses his arms over his chest and stares at Luke. Luke picks up his menu and holds it up to block Danny's gaze.

"You two are adorable," Gwen says as she uses her straw to try and fish out the cherries from the bottom of her glass.

Darcy makes a soft, humming sound. "What about Detective Banner?"

"What about him?" Jane asks.

"What about him for me?" Darcy scowls at the looks she receives. "He's hot!"

"He's old," Peter says.

"So Clint's the only one allowed to have a daddy kink, is that it?"

Jane shake her head disapprovingly. "Darcy, you have got to stop using that phrase to describe Clint and Phil's relationship."


"Because," Gwen says, "one day you're going to slip and use it around one of the cops, which will result in them teasing the hell out of Phil, which will lead to Phil being angry and, depending on the nature of their relationship, questioning why Clint is really with him, which will lead to Clint getting angry and or depressed, which will lead to him murdering you and putting you in his meatloaf." She lets out a little cry of triumph as she finally spears one of the cherries with the end of her straw.

"I don't want to end up in the meatloaf," Darcy says.

Peter shrugs. "On the plus side, though, you know you would be delicious."

"You can hold that menu up as long as you like, Luke," Danny says, "but you're eventually going to have to talk to me."

"If I don't see you, you don't exist." Luke hunches his shoulders and keeps his eyes focused on the table top. "Ow!" Luke lowers the menu and glares at Danny. "Did you just fucking pinch me?!"

"Did I? Huh, I guess that means I exist after all."

"What about Detective Hill?" Darcy asks.

"She's old too," Gwen says.

"She's not that old," Jane says.

"She's scary." Peter's eyes are wide. "She scares me."

"So, are you and this girl dating," Danny says to Luke, "or..."

"What part of it's complicated are you not getting?!"

"Maybe it's not so much a daddy kink as a disciplinarian kink," Darcy muses. "Huh, and now I'm imagining Detective Hill as a dominatrix."

"Oh, God," Gwen says as a distant look comes to her eyes, "I am too."

"Same here," Peter says. "She's still scary. Hot, but scary."

"Is it like fuck buddies complicated," Danny asks, "or like actual relationship complicated?"

Luke glances around the table. "As soon as we get some silverware, I am going to stab you with a fork."

"You are all awful people," Jane says. "Terrible, horrible people." She grins. "I'm so glad we're all friends."

One by one the people around the table get wide smiles on their faces as they murmur their agreements. For a moment, everyone is happy and content.

"So, you're totally going to introduce me to her, right?"

"Dammit, Danny.