Chapter 1: Make some Noise
Dr. Death Defying has added Party Poison, Kobra Kid, Fun Ghoul, Jet Star, and Show Pony to the chat
Party Poison: doc wtf why
Dr. Death Defying has changed his name to Doc
Doc: I need to keep an eye on you sinners. Just forget I'm here.
Fun Ghoul: cool cool
Fun Ghoul has removed Doc from the chat
Show Pony: you're a fucking legend, dude
Jet Star: can you two plz behave?
Jet Star has added Doc to the chat
Doc: This is why I have to keep an eye on you.
Kobra Kid: even me????? :3
Doc: ESPECIALLY YOU.
Party Poison: amen doc
Doc: You are worse than he can ever be shut your damn mouth.
Party Poison has changed the chat name to "Doc is literally no fun at all"
Kobra Kid: I guess you can say he's a real...
Party Poison: DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE
Kobra Kid: ...
Fun Ghoul: wait what
Party Poison: don't encourage him
Kobra Kid: ... Killjoy
Party Poison has removed Kobra Kid from the chat
Chapter 2: In Which Jet is Clueless
Jet Star: party why do you and kobra hate each other
Party Poison: ...
Fun Ghoul: Jet are you really asking that?
Fun Ghoul: While we're at it, why is summer hot? Why is the mailbox sacred? Why is Show Pony hopelessly in love with me?
Show Pony: ew
Jet Star: What? What am I missing?
Party Poison: Jet. honey.
Party Poison: we're always together.
Party Poison: we moved to the desert together.
Party Poison: we look alike.
Party Poison: we have almost matching jackets.
Party Poison: what
Party Poison: do
Party Poison: you
Party Poison: think
Jet Star: Oh, you guys are best friends?
Party Poison: *deep sigh*
Party Poison has added Kobra Kid to the chat
Kobra Kid: whazzup suckfucks
Party Poison has changed his name to Kobra's Big Brother
Kobra Kid: What?
Kobra Kid: Jet, really?
Kobra Kid has changed his name to Party's Little Brother
Kobra's Big Brother: Do you understand now?
Party's Little Brother: Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs?
Kobra's Big Brother has removed Party's Little Brother from the chat
Fun Ghoul: wait bring him back i wanna say something
Kobra's Big Brother has added Party's Little Brother to the chat
Fun Ghoul: goodbye you little shit
Fun Ghoul has removed Party's Little Brother from the chat
Kobra's Big Brother: so wait doc why did you add all of us if you can't stand us
Doc: I told you. I need to keep an eye on you guys.
Doc has added Party's Little Brother to the chat
Party's Little Brother: I hate every single one of you
Party's Little Brother has changed their name to Not Party's Brother
Doc: And it's not that I can't stand you guys
Doc: you guys are like my kids
Fun Ghoul: so who's your favorite?
Doc: Jet. No question.
Fun Ghoul: :( I cri
Jet Star: Thanks Daddy
Jet Star has changed their name to Daddy's Favorite xoxo
Not Party's Brother: uhh...
Fun Ghoul: JET.
Show Pony: HONEY.
Daddy's Favorite xoxo: what
Daddy's Favorite xoxo: is something wrong
Daddy's Favorite xoxo: isn't Doc our daddy?
Not Party's Brother: Jet please stop you are hurting us all
Doc: y'all are nasty.
Daddy's Favorite xoxo: wait what's nasty what in the darn tootin heck am i missing
Daddy's Favorite xoxo: excuse my language
Kobra's Big Brother has removed Daddy's Favorite xoxo from the chat
Kobra's Big Brother: sorry Doc it had to be done
Doc: I didn't even need Jet in this chat anyway. I trust him to make good decisions
Fun Ghoul: why did you add him
Doc: because you and Pony need your boyfriend so you don't go completely nuts
Not Party's Brother: WAIT A SECOND
Not Party's Brother: WHY DIDN'T YOU ADD MY BOYFRIEND
Doc: Because I don't like you
Kobra's Big Brother: only I can drag him like that fight me
Kobra's Big Brother: come at me scrublord im ripped
Doc has left the chat
I really like the idea of Jet being a clueless smol bean with a heart bigger than his hair. However, he's also the one who doesn't understand innuendos because 1. he's ace and 2. he's a precious cinnamon roll. He's dating Fun Ghoul and Show Pony and they both love him, but hate each other (in a sexual tension kinda way).
Chapter 4: In Which Kobracola Is a Thing
Fun Ghoul: sweet the parent is gone
Fun Ghoul: time to throw a party
Kobra's Big Brother: I disapprove of your wording
Not Party's Brother: geez bro you're such poison
Kobra's Big Brother: I will block you
Fun Ghoul: okay so everybody get your boyfriends into the chat!!!
Fun Ghoul has added Daddy's Favorite xoxo to the chat
Show Pony: time to get sexy
Show Pony: sorry Jet
Daddy's Favorite has changed their name to Token Ace
Token Ace: okay
Not Party's Brother: wait we're all adding our boyfriends
Not Party's Brother has added Cherri Cola to the chat
Cherri Cola: Greetings gentlemen
Cherri Cola: and Pony
Show Pony: thanks babe
Not Party's Brother: ONLY I CAN CALL HIM THAT
Cherri Cola: ...
Not Party's Brother: ...
Cherri Cola: Kobra, is there something you should tell me?
Cherri Cola: Poison I can hear you laughing from zone 3 what's going on
Kobra's Big Brother has changed their name to Cupid
Cupid has changed the chat name to Kobra Shaming Zone
Cupid: You forgot to ask him out, didn't you
Not Party's Brother: ...
Cupid: Kobra you dumbass
Not Party's Brother has added Cherri Cola to a private chat
Not Party's Brother: sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry
Cherri Cola: Did... that just happen?
Not Party's Brother: Sorry I've like had a crush on you forever and I had a dream that I asked you out and you said yes and I'm sorry I couldn't tell it was a dream dammit I should have talked to somebody about this I'm so fucking sorry Cherri do you even want to be friends with me anymore
Cherri Cola: Kobra, bud,
Cherri Cola has changed their name to Kobra's Boyfriend
Kobra's Boyfriend: I'm kind of in love with you.
Not Party's Brother: I...
Not Party's Brother: is this real?
Not Party's Brother: Cherri im scared
Kobra's Boyfriend: Hon. This is real and I'm coming to the diner to talk to you. I'll be there in a minute, okay?
Kobra's Boyfriend: I love you. You'll be okay. This is real.
Kobra's Boyfriend: :-* love you
Kobra's Boyfriend has added Cupid to a private chat
Kobra's Boyfriend: He's dissociating. Stick with him until I get there, okay?
Cupid: get it boy
And we're back to your regularly scheduled groupchat
Fun Ghoul: Oh hey Cherri
Kobra's Boyfriend: I am literally across the room from you and you texted that?
Token Ace: sorry my datemates are the worst
Show Pony: fite me
Fun Ghoul: Pony you are like 80 pounds even with the skates on
Show Pony: Ghoul, you literally fall on your ass when you even think about skating
Cupid: Guys I'm gonna make popcorn make sure nothing interesting happens while I'm gone
Not Party's Brother: wait a second
Not Party's Brother has changed their name to Cherri's Boyfriend
Cherri's Boyfriend: thats better
Token Ace: oh, Cola, is that why they call you cherri?
Token Ace: because of how you blush?
Cupid: Jet quit making this adorable
Cupid: I came here to watch sexual tension unfold
Token Ace: ew
Cupid: well you asked for it by turning the conversation cute
Cupid: Frankly sir, I am disgusted
Cupid: Ghoul, Pony, resume
Cupid: Really? Both of you flipping me off at the same time?
Cupid: Jet keep your datemates in order
Cherri's Boyfriend: He came back to see sexual tension being resolved
Cupid: damn right
Cherri's Boyfriend: Well Cherri, whaddya say we help him out?
Cupid: Kobra Kid do not cross me or I will say your real name in front of this whole chat
Kobra's Boyfriend: Kobra sweetie what are you implying
Cherri's Boyfriend: do I have to show you???? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Token Ace: THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE
Cherri's Boyfriend: bitch where
Cupid: Kobra you are the child
Cherri's Boyfriend: I hate you all and everything you stand for
Kobra's Boyfriend: even me? :-(
Cherri's Boyfriend: of course not ily babe
Token Ace: where are my datemates I want to be adorable with them
Token Ace: oh there you are
Token Ace: Pony, why are you limping?
Token Ace: Ghoul babe, why is your neck all bruised?
Token Ace: Guys?
Token Ace: OKAY POISON I GET IT YOU CAN STOP EXPLAINING NOW
Token Ace: thanks for the nightmares bye guys
Chapter 6: Fun Pony? Show Ghoul? Whatever they're fucking
Cupid has added Fun Ghoul to a private chat
Cupid: Ghoul, you're my best friend. Spill.
Fun Ghoul: Jet's hella ace
Cupid: I've noticed
Fun Ghoul: well, Pony and I...
Fun Ghoul: aren't.
Cupid: I've also noticed. Pretty sure I saw her hit on a cactus once
Fun Ghoul: at least I had the decency to wait until we found a tree.
Cupid: You can't call it decency when you were half naked and found out the hard way that you're allergic to the weeds in that part of the desert.
Fun Ghoul: can we not discuss that for once
Cupid: Sure bud. I'd hate to endanger our friendship by saying or doing something...
Fun Ghoul: hoe don't do it
Cupid: ... rash
Fun Ghoul: oh my god
Fun Ghoul: you complain about Kobra, but you know he's just a milder version of you, right?
Cupid: somebody told me as a kid that the world couldn't handle two of me
Cupid: so I raised another one of me to prove them wrong
Fun Ghoul: you're adorable
Cupid: you're a fuckwad.
Fun Ghoul: damn straight
Once again, we're back to the group chat.
okay so I've noticed a lot of people headcanon Pony as a trans boy but I haven't decided their gender in this fic yet. I'm sure they're either a trans girl or bigender, so for right now I'm using she/her pronouns but that may change. Thanks for continuing your interest in this fic!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Cherri's Boyfriend: hey guys who's awake
Kobra's Boyfriend: I am, as usual.
Show Pony: Cherri what the fuck
Kobra's Boyfriend: I enjoy the night when the desert is cold and empty, and I can focus on the futility of existence.
Show Pony: Kobra go suck Cherri's dick. he needs it
Token Ace: babe can you not
Show Pony: your fault for being awake during sexytimes
Token Ace: Pony. hon. all the time is sexytimes for you.
Show Pony: ¯\ _(ツ)_/¯
Fun Ghoul: this chat woke me up
Fun Ghoul: you guys better have a good reason for this
Kobra's Boyfriend: Is there a good reason for anything?
Show Pony: idk but your existential bullshit is a damn good reason why your dick should be inside Kobra
Cupid: SHOW PONY I WILL FIGHT YOU
Cupid: YOU WOKE ME UP YOU LITTLE SHIT
Cupid: AND THIS IS WHAT YOU WOKE ME UP FOR
Show Pony has added Doc to the chat
Show Pony: Doc help
Doc: y'all better have a real good explanation for waking me up this early
Token Ace: POISON JUST KICKED OPEN THE DINER DOOR AND LEFT
Show Pony: HE'S GONNA KILL ME
Cupid: YOU HAD IT COMING
Show Pony: Party please I'll stop
Cupid: YOU HAD IT COMING
Token Ace: babe, you couldn't stop if you wanted to
Show Pony: fuck you guys. I'mma be a nun
Cupid: YOU ONLY HAD YOURSELF TO BLAME
Cherri's Boyfriend: motherfucker
Cherri's Boyfriend: look what you guys did
Cherri's Boyfriend: you made him go all Broadway on us
Cupid: Doc, can you let me in so I can kill Show Pony?
Doc: I'm too old for this shit.
Doc: Cherri, take over.
Doc has left the chat
Kobra's Boyfriend: wait out here Party. I am escorting you back to the diner.
Cupid: who died and made you queen
Kobra's Boyfriend: About a hundred dracs and at least three exterminators. I prefer to think of myself as an ambassador though.
Cupid: you suck
Kobra's Boyfriend: I'm aware.
Show Pony: I McFreakin love you, Cherri
Cherri's Boyfriend: fite me
Kobra's Boyfriend: Guys?
Kobra's Boyfriend: Party kinda... passed out on our doorstep
Show Pony: you're kidding
Show Pony: he's not kidding guys
Cherri's Boyfriend: draw dicks on his face
Token Ace: If y'all won't stop talking about dicks I'm going to bed
Token Ace has left the chat
Cherri's Boyfriend: wait I have a better idea
Cherri's Boyfriend: one of you take Party's phone and remove him from the chat
Show Pony: on it
Cupid: your brother needs to figure out a better way to lock his phone
Cupid: 1234 is not a secure password
Cupid has left the chat
Cherri's Boyfriend: anyway
Cherri's Boyfriend: Pony, you were saying he needs a boyfriend?
Show Pony: I'm disgusted and intrigued. go on
Cherri's Boyfriend: I think I know a guy
it's funnier if you read Kobra's last text in a Bill Cipher voice. But who could he possibly mean???? Such intrigue very mystery wow
Chapter 8: The Plot Thickens... again
hey guys guess who's supposed to be in class right now
Show Pony: Guys
Show Pony: guys it's Poison
Show Pony: why am I not in the chat
Show Pony: and why am I on Pony's floor
Show Pony: guys
Show Pony: I KNOW YOU'RE ALL READING THIS
Show Pony: oh wait
Show Pony has added Cupid to the chat
Cupid: that's better
Cupid: hey ghoul you can stop sexting Pony
Cupid: your erection is not actually that impressive
Fun Ghoul: SHIT
Fun Ghoul: PARTY I WAS NOT EVEN AWAKE STFU
Cupid: you are now
Cupid: hi friend
Fun Ghoul: Cherri? you up?
Kobra's Boyfriend: yes why
Fun Ghoul: plz kill Party for me
Kobra's Boyfriend: lemme check my schedule
Kobra's Boyfriend: and nope. I'm booked
Fun Ghoul: Cherri what do you even do
Cherri's Boyfriend: me
Cupid: KOBRA SHUT YOUR FUCK
Cupid: I'm too tired for this shit
Cupid: Wait Cherri where are you
Kobra's Boyfriend: out
Cupid: TELL ME FRUIT FUCKER
Cherri's Boyfriend: hah. keeping that
Kobra's Boyfriend: I needed to talk to Chimp
Cherri's Boyfriend: and he can't go out in the desert on his own
Cupid: so I'm just stuck here with Jet and Ghoul's sleeping datemate?
Show Pony: aight fuckers what's happening
Show Pony: Hey Kobra you found that guy yet
Cupid: Guy? What happened to Chimp?
Cherri's Boyfriend: PONY YOU DUMBASS
Cherri's Boyfriend has removed Cupid from the chat
When I wear my Party Poison jacket to school it gives me inspiration. To do what, I don't know. Have a shitty fic.
Cherri's Boyfriend has added Kobra's Boyfriend, News a-Go-Go, and DJ Hot Chimp to a chat
News a-Go-Go: Wait what's going on who are you
Kobra's Boyfriend: Relax Newsie, it's me Cherri.
DJ Hot Chimp: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
DJ Hot Chimp: YOU GUYS ARE FINALLY TOGETHER
DJ Hot Chimp: I'M SO EXCITED
News a-Go-Go has changed their name to Newsie
DJ Hot Chimp: Oh yeah Newsie you owe me 10 carbons
DJ Hot Chimp has changed their name to The Hottest Chimp
The Hottest Chimp: much better
Newsie: Anyway what do you guys want?
Cherri's Boyfriend: Well, you guys know that my brother isn't exactly, you know, a Casanova
The Hottest Chimp: He can't look a cute guy in the eye without getting hard
Cherri's Boyfriend: suck my dick Chimp
The Hottest Chimp: You don't even have one
Cherri's Boyfriend: true
Cherri's Boyfriend: Cherri, can you steal a dick from Tommy for me?
Kobra's Boyfriend: sorry babe, he doesn't have any extras
Kobra's Boyfriend: I'll just have to give you mine
The Hottest Chimp: DAMN SON
We're back to the original chat
Cherri's Boyfriend: guys halp
Show Pony: like hell I will
Show Pony: what happened
Cherri's Boyfriend: so Cherri here says I have great taste in music, asks if he can play one of my tracks on his broadcast
Token Ace: and the problem is…?
Cherri's Boyfriend: HE TOOK THE FUCKING SHREK SOUNDTRACK
Cherri's Boyfriend: I DID NOT GET MY MEME HISTORY DEGREE TO BE DISRESPECTED LIKE THIS
Fun Ghoul: Kobra your degree is a piece of cardboard that says "congrations you done it"
Cherri's Boyfriend has changed his name to Snek Child
Snek Child: heck off
Snek Child: Dr. D made it special for me
Show Pony: I helped
Kobra's Boyfriend: I could tell. There's enough glitter to light up the city.
Kobra's Boyfriend: wait
Kobra's Boyfriend has changed his name to Sweet Cherri Pie
Sweet Cherri Pie: As long as we're doing name puns
Show Pony: you get me, Cherri
Show Pony has changed her name to Trick Horse
Fun Ghoul has changed his name to Vaffanculo Tutti
Token Ace has changed his name to Flying Star
Sweet Cherri Pie: wait what even is Shrek
Sweet Cherri Pie: and why did you spell snake wrong?
Trick Horse: Cherri wtf
Trick Horse: you are dating the foremost meme historian in the desert
Trick Horse: take a break from fucking and educate yourself
Flying Star: HOLY FRICK FRACK SNICK SNACK KICK BACK CRACKERJACK KNICK KNACK PADDYWHACK
Flying Star: "take a break from f***ing" -Show Pony, 2k19
Flying Star: I'VE ALREADY SCREENSHOTTED AND SENT THIS TO DR. D
Flying Star: THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE
Vaffanculo Tutti: dude calm your dick
Flying Star: don't call me dude I am your gosh darn boyfriend
Trick Horse: holy shit Jet you really are excited
Snek Child: does this mean we can talk about dicks now?
Flying Star: ugh
Flying Star has left the chat
Snek Child: wow what a killjoy
Snek Child has been blocked from the chat
The Hottest Chimp: previously discussed gayness aside
The Hottest Chimp: Kobra what was that about your brother
Snek Child: oh yeah he needs a boyfriend
Newsie: Not that I disagree, but why?
Snek Child: He's living vicariously through me
Snek Child: and I don't like that thing
Snek Child: I don't like any things
Sweet Cherri Pie: except me
The Hottest Chimp: okay if you guys don't stop being gay right this second
Sweet Cherri Pie: *says Chimp while sitting in her gf's lap*
Snek Child: Cherri did you just spill salt
Sweet Cherri Pie has changed his name to Sweet'n'Salty
Snek Child: babe I'm so proud
Sweet'n'Salty: okay we can move on now
Sweet'n'Salty: Newsie, you look like you've got a sunburn you're blushing so hard.
Newsie: not the time, Cherri. Kobra, whachu need?
Snek Child: okay so I actually know a guy who likes Party
The Hottest Chimp: who doesn't
Snek Child: like, actually personally knows him and likes him.
Snek Child: and Party likes this guy too.
Snek Child: Problem is, he and I kinda got off speaking terms a while ago.
Snek Child: so....
Snek Child: who wants to help me kidnap my new brother-in-law?
SUCH MYSTERY VERY INTRIGUE MUCH WOW
Might introduce a new character :))))))))
K so Ao3 fucked up majorly a couple days ago and accidentally gave y'all a preview that I really hadn't meant to share, so I ended up deleting it and losing the inspiration temporarily. Super sorry so let's have a good chapter in the middle of this Witch forsaken meme hell!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Private message from The Hottest Chimp to Cupid
The Hottest Chimp: Hey Party you're gay right?
Cupid: how dare
Cupid has changed his name to Suffering Bisexual
The Hottest Chimp: okay I see your point but you are into guys right
Suffering Bisexual: ... one could say so
Suffering Bisexual: in the same sense that one could also say Fun Ghoul is into Show Pony
Suffering Bisexual: (you didn't hear that from me)
The Hottest Chimp: I MCFUCKIN KNEW IT
The Hottest Chimp: (ofc not what do you take me for)
The Hottest Chimp: ANYWAYS
The Hottest Chimp: I fuckin hope you like guys cause Newsie and I got you a present
Suffering Bisexual: ...
The Hottest Chimp: your brother was some help I guess
Suffering Bisexual: give me a second
Private message from Suffering Bisexual to Snek Child
Suffering Bisexual: JOHN STANLEY MILLIGRAM
Suffering Bisexual: WHAT IN THE ACTUAL HELL ARE YOU AND CHIMP PLANNING
Suffering Bisexual: I KNOW YOUR ONLINE YOU SURE AS FUCK BETTER NOT BE IGNORING ME
Snek Child: *you're
Snek Child has left the chat
Private message from Snek Child to Newsie
Snek Child: is he okay
Newsie: your brother, or your brother-in-law?
Snek Child: this was a mistake holy shit we're all gonna die
Snek Child: sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry
Newsie: It's okay.
Newsie: you don't have to apologize. We're all going to be fine.
Snek Child: no you're not they're gonna track him down and they're gonna find you and and and andandandanandandadn
Newsie: Johnny it's okay. No one is going to find us.
Newsie: Even if they did, do you honestly think anyone could get past my girl and me?
Snek Child:... you know my name?
Newsie: I'm a psychic sweetie. I know everything.
Newsie: My name's Maya in case you wanted to know.
peep that Hesitant Alien reference haha it's me your old buddy Vic still suffering send help