(Starsky vs. Hutch Aftermath)
It's never too late to say you're sorry, said a little voice inside of me for what must have been the 5th time in the last half an hour or so. The phone was standing in front of me on the table. Why was it so difficult to pick up the receiver and dial the number I knew by heart? Because I felt guilty. Guilty over the things I had said to Starsky, pretty hurtful things. If it had been Starsky who said these things to me I would have decked him for sure, but not Starsky.
"Oh, grow up, Starsky, will you? You're acting like a pre-pubescent teenager!"
"Me? You're the one that's thinking with his dick instead of his brain. It's not my fault you let your hormones drown out your common sense, or your ethics."
"Ethics? How the Hell was I supposed to know you were really in love with her? You've known her for what, a whole month? You were acting like a kid with his first crush. How was I to know you actually had adult feelings for her?"
"That's not fair and you know it. You didn't care what I felt. You were so busy trying to score that you forgot all about me. You just wanted to see how fast you could get her into bed. I could have worn a fucking heart tattooed on my forehead with our initials inside and you would have ignored it. The mighty Hutchinson scores again. If someone else gets hurt, who cares, right?"
"You act like I made it my life's work to hurt your feelings. Well, I have a news flash for you. Believe it or not, Starsky, every decision I make in life does not revolve around you."
Instead of coming back with a smart-assed remark, he had given me an ice cold stare.
"That's been very obvious lately. I'd almost say you were trying to push me away. You know what they say, Hutch. Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it."
He walked away then and gave me the silent treatment the rest of our shift. I knew then I had really hurt his feelings, but so what? I was too damn angry to care or was I?
Man, I thought we were over this! Didn't we hash it out after the case was closed? We even confronted Kira at Huggy's that day. We agreed that no woman was worth our friendship, or worth ending a nine year partnership. Damn it, he told me he understood! How was I to know he was in love with her? He'd only known her for a few weeks. I thought he was just being Starsky; doing his usual impersonation of Don Juan. I swear if I had known he was really in love with her, I would never have slept with her. Or would I? I didn't go over to her house that day with the intention of taking her to bed. I just wanted some answers. If he loved her, I needed to know if she loved him back. She really threw me for a loop when she said she loved both of us. That was a load of crap, and I knew it. But she was eager, and I was a little too willing to forget my partner's feelings and give into my desire. If I had really been worried about him, would I have fallen for her line? I don't know.
Maybe that's what the problem is. I'm not feeling guilty over the things I said to Starsky. I'm just plain feeling guilty. I screwed up royally. I'm supposed to watch my partner's back, not stab him the minute his back is turned. I've let this job turn me into someone I don't like. What really scares me is I know Starsky doesn't like me that much right now, either. I can live with the guilt. I can live with the knowledge that lately I have been one grade "A" son of a bitch. I can definitely live without Kira. But what I can not live without is Starsky. He's my partner, my best friend. I'd rather lose an arm and a leg than lose him.
So finally, I'm going to pick up that phone and call him. After all, I hurt him. He didn't do anything but love the wrong woman. It's time to mend a few fences, before I lose the one person in this world that truly matters to me. I can stand to eat a little crow. He's worth it.