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26 Jul 2016
ROSE: In any case, I’ll bid Mr. Nitram and his offering good day and suggest he return when you’re feeling less poorly.
TEREZI: YOU D1DN’T S4Y H3 H4D 4N OFF3R1NG
ROSE: Would I have woken you within twenty-four hours of a Megido party for anything less than blood, O mighty bearer of the green card of my soul?
In which Rose and Terezi navigate the pitfalls of binding one's life and power to another, featuring some kind of janky Noragami AU, Kankri Vantas's bubble butt, consent issues, texts from Dave Strider, cruelty towards weeaboos, a whole lotta Vriska Talk, pesto, one Fake Marriage, and gods who mostly do nothing but fuck around, actually.
A++ roserezi I'm in love forever.
ROSE: Customer for you.
TEREZI: BLUUURRRMMFFMRGL3 SM4CK SM4CK
ROSE: While I make no comment on the theoretical effectiveness of your complaint had you voiced it from the cozy comfort of your bed, Terezi, you realize this is a written medium, do you not?
ROSE: You scrawled each of those characters consciously, with intent.
TEREZI: KLJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJOOP SNOR3
Terezi leaned towards him over her cane, feet planted wide. “That’s a serious allegation! The unauthorized creation of sacred regalia is a crime, you know, and last time I checked, I was a goddess of justice.”
“You are the god,” he replied, “of small justice. Not trivial, of course, though some would erroneously call it petty, but of unprepossessing scale—minute enough to slip through the cracks in the law, perhaps.”
“Shows what you know, Mr. Candy Apple!”
She drove the tip of her cane against the floor, and the resulting CRACK was too loud to be possible, —but while they stood inside the walls of the bookshop, they remained within Terezi’s realm, and she was god there.
Her dragon smile remained, and her blind eyes were blood-red. “Small justice is the only law, Arbiter Kankri Vantas. Felony charges, state and individual, crime and punishment: What does it all come back to?”
Her cane-tip whipped up to hover just below Kankri’s nose.
“It comes back to man versus man, woman versus woman. To small-scale interpersonal contest. To Me and Thee.” For a moment, magic glinted in the air around Terezi. Her name. Her power. It winked away before Rose could make it out. “It comes back, always, to making them pay.”
After a silence, she added, unsmiling this time, “And I pity the idiot who forgets that in Gods’ Grotto. No, Mr. Vantas. I have bound no one against their will.”
For once in his unending existence, Kankri didn’t seem inclined to talk. He wavered, lost an inch or two of perfect posture, and started to maybe even back down, but he caught sight of Rose from the corner of his eye and pushed the steel rod back up his sphincter. “And you, Miss Lalonde?”
“And I what?”
“Do you, too, attest that you are not bound against your will?”
For a moment, Rose fought the impulse to say no, to turn her back on Terezi and her bookshop and the blind moral simplicity she represented. To hold her fists out to Kankri and tell him, I am a battle god shackled and reduced to manning a cash register at my least diminished; I am a trophy. I am not free.
Terezi wouldn’t stop her. They both knew it. But there was Dave.
“Heeey," Tavros continued, grinning for real, "she wouldn’t happen to be that, uh, fashionable eyewear you’re sporting, since I hear that is a thing that you gods can do, is be each other’s clothing, and accessories.”
“That,” she said, “would be illegal! Dave, go pack your cutest pajamas and a toothbrush. You’re seeing our gracious customer home today.”
“Why do I need my toothbrush if it’s just—”
“And then you’ll be seeing his home! A lot of it, actually, since I need you to keep an eye on him while Rose and I do a thing.” Terezi rose from the table and stretched her arms behind her back, yawned, cracked her neck. “Won’t take long! Maybe a few weeks or so.”
Dave’s deadpan was as beautifully crafted an instrument as he was, in the right hands.
Dave started to voice a protest, but Terezi flashed him her winningest grin—that is, the grin that told everyone she was going to win no matter what, and she was not above biting—and he shut it. All he could do was look at Terezi-and-Rose, look at Tavros, and then turn to them again, with the most minute of changes to the set of his mouth and jaw muscles that only they could read as don’t-do-this-to-me-I-thought-we-were-cool.
With that particular sense of obligation to inevitable misfortune that was just so Dave, he realized the futility of resisting his fate, sighed, and told Tavros, “We gotta stop by Walmart on the way. I’m out of Barbie bubblegum toothpaste.”
TEREZI: H3R N4M3 1S VR1SK4
TEREZI: SH3’S B4D N3WS
ROSE: I gathered that much.
TEREZI: H3R SP3C1F1C JUR1SD1CT1ON 1S P3RSON4L M1SFORTUN3 UND3S3RV3D
TEREZI: SH3 DO3S 4 LOT OF B&3
ROSE: Breaking and 3ntering?
ROSE: Entering, I mean.
TEREZI: BR34K1NG 4ND 3X1T1NG, 4CTU4LLY
ROSE: Ah. She bursts onto the scene, makes a lot of noise, fools the foolhardy into believing she’s on their side, and then leaves without cleaning up?
ROSE: Hardly threatening.
TEREZI: YOU DON’T KNOW H3R L1K3 1 DO, ROS3
ROSE: I hadn’t thought you’d cop to your obvious acquaintanceship so early on.
TEREZI: M4RR13D COUPL3S 4R3 SUPPOS3D TO SH4R3 TH1NGS 4R3N’T TH3Y?
TEREZI: 4LSO 1T W4S PR3TTY OBV1OUS 4ND 1 W4SN’T GO1NG TO M4K3 MYS3LF LOOK STUP1D PR3T3ND1NG SUCH A P3RC3PT1V3 W4R D31TY WOULDN’T NOT1C3