Hey Adam and Kris, this is Cassidy. I’m inviting you guys to my party on the 20th. I know you guys don’t get out too much, but I’d love to see you there. Come to this one? Love you, bye.
Adam saved the message, and then looked over at his husband. Kris was still in bed, curled on his side like he always did. He was drooling a little. Adam thought he looked beautiful.
When they started-oh God, had it really been ten years?-they were passionate. Kris was still married to Katy, and he was reluctant to break with her at first. But they would still kiss in the mansion or blow each other on the tour. The last night of the tour, Kris let Adam fuck him for the first time, and then gave Adam his promise. Adam had kissed him so hard that Kris had to use concealer to cover the bruise later.
Kris had his divorce from Katy finalized two years later, and Adam gave up his cover of fucking his bass player (Tommy had really been a saint, pretending to be Adam’s tour slut just to keep them from being discovered. Adam paid him well for it, though.) and soon they were together. After another two years, they were married.
Kris stirred in his sleep, then blinked at him. “Hey, come to bed.” Kris held his hand out. Adam didn’t hesitate to join him.
Adam found he didn’t really miss nightclubs. Instead, he and Kris had dinner parties. They invited their old friends and some new ones and would fix these elaborate dishes-or at least Kris would. Kris was more or less semi-retired now. He would perform for charity and put out the occasional EP under his and Adam’s private label, but otherwise, he had become was Brad archly called a “housetwink.”
“I mean really, all we need is for Kris to start playing keyboards and guitar in your band, and he could be Linda McCartney. That way you’d never have to leave him alone.” Adam looked over at Kris, whose eyebrows went to the top of his forehead. Then they both laughed.
“We thought about that-“ Adam started
“-a couple of months ago,” Kris finished. “We decided that my look didn’t fit with Adam’s musical vision.”
“Oh shut up, you look wonderful.” Kris grinned at him as Brad muttered something around his drink. “Brad, you shut up too, your hairline is a lost cause.”
It was true, Kris didn’t look the same as when Adam met him. Most of his hair was gone, and he had gained a belly. Adam loved it, would always kiss and worship it on his way down to suck Kris’ dick. There were a few wrinkles around Kris’ eyes, but the eyes themselves still sparkled. Adam could squint and the same 23 year old he met all those years ago would still be there.
(Adam didn’t really look the same either, but there was always plastic surgery, skin peels to help with the acne scarring, and cosmetics. Kris threatened to leave him if he got Botox though. “Nothing is worth you losing your smile,” he would say, kissing the corner of Adam’s mouth.)
Brad didn’t really care for what he called the “Domestication of Adam Lambert”. “You’re a rock star honey, you’ve always been one. I don’t get why you come here and put on that ugly shirt and play house-husband. Are you two going to adopt Cambodian orphans next?”
Adam kept his mouth shut about how they had actually looked into adoption and shrugged as he put some books back on the shelves. “We just changed, Brad. Maybe I grew up a little. The relationship you and me had-we were kids. It wasn’t-“
“Married for the last twenty years?” Brad said, eyebrow raised. Adam almost kicked him out of the house, it had only been six.
So it wasn’t like the early days, they didn’t fuck three times a day, or spend whole days in bed, or wander around New York without cell phones. What would be the point? They had already done all those things.
Hey Adam, Kris, it’s Cassidy. I just wanted you guys to know that the party is pretty low-key. It’s not gonna be in a big nightclub, more like a lounge. I hope you guys make it. The 20th, okay? I can’t wait to see you there.
Adam saved the message, then he heard Kris call from downstairs that the takeout had arrived. They ate on the couch that night, in their bare feet and pajama pants. That was a night out for them now-Thai food and old Criminal Minds reruns. Later that night Kris was under Adam and what Adam loved the most about their sex life now was that he knew. Before when they were just starting, it was all a glorious discovery, but now he knew exactly where to bite to make Kris moan, how to caress his thighs to make him shiver and push his legs apart further. He didn’t have to even think about it anymore. He didn’t have to think at all.
In the dark afterward, Adam stared up at the ceiling and think about how his life could have turned out differently. How if he hadn’t tried out for Idol, he’d have never met Kris. What would have happened if he had listened to the part of himself that strongly objected to him falling in love with a married man. What would have happened if Kris hadn’t convinced him it was all worth it.
He looked over at Kris, sleeping on his side. The blankets had fallen off Kris, leaving his shoulder bare. Adam reached to pull them back up, to cover him. To keep him safe.
When Adam came home a day or two later, he heard voices coming from the sun porch-it was Katy.
Katy was still in LA, and she still talked to Kris. Katy had rebounded from the divorce fine after a year or two. Now she was remarried to a famous baseball pitcher and had become the Heather Locklear of this decade with one starring role in a prime time melodrama after another. Kris liked to joke that Katy was more famous than he was now, and it was basically the truth.
Katy had forgiven Adam years ago, but she still visited most often when he wasn’t around. She said she saw Adam all the time on TV and in the magazines, so “Let me spend some quality time with my ex. I’ll see you on the red carpet, Mr. Rock Star.” Then Kris and she would go back to swapping scones recipes. Katy didn’t actually cook for herself much, but it gave them something to do.
Adam could hear the clink of ice cubes and knew they were drinking sweet tea. Katy’s voice carried into the foyer. “I hate to say this, but don’t you worry? Or get jealous? He’s got pretty boys around him all the time.”
“No, I don’t.” Kris sounded really firm on that. “I know he always comes back to me. He always, always comes back to me.” He could hear Katy making a noise (probably about to bring up that Adam did cheat when he stole Kris from her) but Kris kept going. “He got all that crazy stuff out of his system earlier. He was done, even by the time I met him.” Adam swallowed as he heard that.
Adam knew that wasn’t entirely true-that if he hadn’t met Kris then, he would have continued to date guys for six months and then slut around before finding the next candidate. But Kris had changed him, and he was never going to be caught by a pap getting kissed by some stranger in a nightclub. He wasn’t, that’s one reason he never went to them anymore. He missed the music, but the thought that he might get drunk and wind up on Perez’s site was terrifying.
He did resent it, at first. Being married and with one person forever, because that was a long-ass time and he was on the road for most of it. But not anymore, he was done wishing for things that he didn’t even want that much. None of the beautiful men that surrounded him, his dancers and entourage, none of them were Kris. None of them smile like Kris did when Adam entered a room. Like now, when he walked in and hugged Kris, making him nearly spill his tea while Katy laughed.
Look bitch, or should I say bitches, if you don’t RSVP my goddamn party I will go over to that over-decorated Cribs looking mansion of yours and throw paint on Kris’ piano. I will destroy all of Adam’s shoes. I am not going to be ignored. Call me.
Adam frowned. Cassidy could be really overdramatic sometimes.
“Hey dude,” Tommy said on the phone, voice chipper. He was a happy guy since he started dating that burlesque queen he met at an AIDS benefit they had done six months ago. “Hey, so are you ready to go into the studio? Because I am so ready.”
“I don’t know, Tommy. I’ve got some lyrics ready, but only about four or five new songs. I think I might be ready to.” Adam drank a little bit of his water-he didn’t even drink much anymore.
“That’s what pre-production is for, man! Let’s get together and fuck around with the guitars until we have songs and arrangements. I mean, I love being with my girl, but she’s gonna be in Berlin soon. I need something to do. I mean, don’t you?”
“I…guess. I don’t know.” Adam was stalling for time, and by the short little snort on the other end of the line, Tommy damn well knew it. “I just don’t want-“
“To leave your sweetie and do what you get paid tons of money for. And what you’re excellent at. And what makes your fans and yourself happy. Adam, sacrificing yourself for someone else is so 1950’s, okay?” Adam rubbed the bridge of his nose. Macy, aka Delilah Rose, had been lecturing Tommy about relationships and feminism again.
“I’m not. Okay, fine. I think I have enough to at least jam. Okay? When do you want to book it?” Tommy started chattering about his and Monte’s schedules, and how they should meet up afterward for Brazilian barbecue, and Adam didn’t mean to tune him out, but he heard Kris come home. He begged off the phone, and a few minutes later realized he couldn’t remember what date they settled on.
Three days later, Kris cornered him in the kitchen. “Why have you been ignoring Cassidy’s calls?”
Adam just looked confused, and said “I haven’t been ignoring them I just hadn’t gotten back to him yet-“
“He called me,” Kris said, looking slightly exasperated, “because he was convinced we both hated him and his stupid party. Why didn’t you tell me? I want to go.” Adam took a deep breath, and looked Kris in the eye.
“I don’t want to go.” Kris frowned, and Adam kept going. “I just don’t like it anymore, I don’t want to go to a club or a lounge or whatever, and be surrounded by people who were like I was, I don’t want to feel strange or old because of how we are. I don’t want to be the formerly wild rock star who’s settled down.” Adam took a breath. “I don’t want people to think there’s something wrong with us.”
Kris took a deep breath. “There is something wrong with us.” Adam felt his heart crash into his gut, as Kris continued. “You isolate yourself, and me, whenever you can. I don’t know why-is it fear? Do you think if you get onto a dance floor again you’ll suddenly be 25 and snorting coke off the stomachs of twinks? Do you believe that if you even let yourself be tempted, you’ll leave me?”
Adam couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t get a breath. Kris was angry at him, Kris didn’t want him anymore-he stopped his thoughts, before he panicked. “I don’t want to leave you. I don’t know-it’s-yeah. I’m scared. What if I fuck up? What if you leave me? I just go out and play rock star now, I love it, but now I do it so I can come home. I just want to be home with you.”
Kris dropped his head. “I know. And I stay home for the same reason. God, I haven’t had a tour in years. But it’s not healthy. We’re artists, and we have friends who love us. And Cassidy will be really upset if we don’t show up tonight.” Kris stroked over Adam’s cheek. “We need to go. Cassidy needs to know he’s loved too.”
“I do love him, he’s my friend.” He thought about Cassidy, who had a five year relationship break up, and Adam hadn’t spent as much time with him as he could have. “Fuck, I’m being an idiot.”
“It’s okay. We both just forgot that we’re not a single entity.” Kris smiled up at him, and Adam melted a little, holding Kris to him. After a minute, he let go. “You call Cassidy. I’ll get our clothes laid out and start fixing myself up.”
Adam called, although he felt enough like a shitheel that he really didn’t want too. Cassidy answered the phone. “Gracing me with your presence I see. Did your boy finally get through to you? I swear to fuck Adam do you even care about anyone else anymore?”
“I do. Of course I do Cassidy. I’m just-I don’t know how to explain it.”
“A possessive control freak? Look, I know you love Kris very much. But he’s not going anywhere, and going to a party at a club isn’t going to change that. Adam, when was the last time you danced? And dancing onstage doesn’t count.”
“I don’t remember, Cass. It’s like-I don’t need to. There’s nobody I need to impress, I don’t have to try.” Adam closed his eyes. “And I’m scared.”
Cassidy sighed. “Just get your ass over here. The party starts in two hours. I’m still trying to choose between pants. I love you. Don’t worry, we’ll have food, you dinner-party loving freak.” Adam was laughing when they hung up. Okay, dressing up. He could do this. Kris already had the perfect outfit laid out for him, and a very nice pair of boots he hadn’t seen before. That made Adam want to say ‘fuck it’ and fuck Kris on the floor, but he managed to restrain himself.
When they got to the party, they were about a half-hour late-it had taken longer to find it than Adam had thought. When he got there, Cassidy hugged him, and Adam thought about how Cassidy was getting older and he was alone again. He tried not to let it show, but he held Cassidy a bit longer. Cassidy smiled at him. “Hi, thanks for coming.”
“I’m glad I did,” Adam said. There were no ‘could’ve beens’ between Adam and Cassidy, not really. They loved each other as friends, but that was it. Adam nuzzled Cassidy’s neck anyway, and Cassidy shoved him off, laughing.
It was a great party, he spent the first hour just saying hello to people he hadn’t seen in a long time. Meanwhile, Kris spend a lot of time talking to friends of friends, people who knew Adam’s friends. It was a classic Kris trick-to spend time with those he didn’t know well. Kris didn’t want to miss a chance to meet someone interesting.
After a while, Adam came up to Kris and said “Um. Do you want to dance?” Kris stood up then, smiling.
“Okay, but keep in mind I’m old and out of shape now.” Adam scoffed, because that was so not true, and they danced in the middle of the tiny dance floor. The space really was more of a lounge-it had comfortable chairs and couches everywhere. But right now, they were standing up, swaying, going much slower than the music. Adam couldn’t care less.
They lasted about another hour. Cassidy wasn’t offended. “Your first night out of the house in some time-go ahead and go, it’s all right.”
“But remember,” Brad said, just loud enough to be heard over the music. “You have to come back. Just slowly get back into it-a lounge here, a drag show there. We’ve missed you!” Brad grinned big as he kissed Kris on the lips. “Don’t be strangers. And I’ll come by and eat Kris’s cute little Southern Fusion meals anytime you want.” Kris blushed a little and they all laughed.
When Adam got into his car, he felt the strongest sense of relief. “Oh god Kris, I wanna go home.” It had been fun, and he really did want to do it again but. He wanted to go home.
“I know. I was having a good time, but I’m not used to nightlife anymore.” Adam grinned because honestly, when had Kris ever been used to it, and he drove his Mustang toward home. Kris leaned back, showing off his chest in his half-unbuttoned shirt and Adam gunned it.
Kris called Cale that week, and they set up a date to jam out some ideas. He started talking about taking a charity trip to Africa as well. Adam could come or not. Adam chewed his lip when he heard that, but he nodded.
Adam missed a call from Brad the next week.
Adam had to call Tommy back for the date, and get cussed out for being a forgetful motherfucker.
But he remembered to answer Cassidy’s calls. That was something.