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Fuck you for not believing in me, by the way Morty

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Characters: Rick from Rick & Morty, Daggett from Angry Beavers
Location:Taco Stand
Scenario:Trying to find Carmen Sandiego

All characters, locations and scenarios were pulled out of a hat to create this story, which was written in 30 minutes or less.



"Uh gee Rick, are you sure we're in the right place?

The green portal ejaculated Rick & Morty into the center of a bustling food court. The elaborate architecture surrounding them immediately tipped Morty off to their location - they were standing in the Vatican during mass season. He knew because of all the latin words that were resounding throughout the streets and from within various wall mounted television monitors, and the fact that the beaver running the nearby taco stand was wearing a shirt with "The Pope Kicks Serious Mass" stencilled poorly across its chest.

"Well that just seems in poor taste," Morty commented.

"You're right, Morty," Rick growled through a series of belches as he began working on a device that resembled a cross between a PKE meter and a Microsoft Zune. Mostly it was just a repurposed Microsoft Zune that Rick had turned into a trans-dimensional tracking device, but since the vast majority of the planet's population had likely forgotten or never knew in the first place what a Zune looked like, he'd chosen to compare it to a prop from Ghostbusters. "Mexican food in Italy? Talk about a cultural no no. Looks like we shouldn't have left it to Beaver after all."

"Leave what to Beaver?" Morty asked, his elderly associate's words drowned out by the pope's religious ramblings emanating from his grand balcony. Blessings upon this and that. Morty imagined Rick had an argument against every sentence in the Bible. In fact, given their frequent journeys between dimensions, Morty was certain Rick himself was an argument against theology period. "Are the beavers involved in all this somehow?"

"No, Morty, it was a poorly chosen reference to an old TV show from before they let people cuss mindlessly on the TV," Rick rolled his eyes as he input various commands and digits into his device, twisting the knob with the same deftness he'd been known to use on beer bottle caps. "Fuckin' ass goblins don't know shit about fuck."

And indeed the ass goblins did not know shit about fuck, for as Rick and Morty attempted to get accustomed to the local customs, Daggett the beaver was half-bewildered and half-excited at the prospect of actual customers. He flipped his lid and called them over - quite literally. He had been keeping a lid on top of the fresh tacos he'd been preparing. At least, they had been fresh when he'd made them several hours ago when the mass had started.

"Welcome to Rome!" Daggett screeched, waving his beaver appendages at the approaching scientist and his teenager in training. He held out a sample plate which consisted of whatever Daggett hadn't finished scarfing down for lunch. The choices were limited, and what little remained had already had its innards sucked out, leaving behind only the soft, tasteless shells. "Take a free bite!"

"I'll extend you that same offer," Rick blurted, his eyes never seeming to leave his tracker. "In that I'm gonna ask you to bite me."

"Perfect! That's what we beavers do best!" Daggett laughed for a good half a minute and then calmed right back down again when he saw the sullen glare Rick was shooting his way.

"I thought beavers were supposed to be good at building dams," Morty said, exhausting 100% of his knowledge of the beaver species in a single sentence of moderate length. "Not tacos."

"That's incredibly racist of you Morty," Rick coughed, wiping his mouth on his labcoat sleeve where mucus joined the remains of his last beverage. All in all, there were many disgusting fluids both in and outside the taco stand. It was a dangerous mix. "Besides, no matter what this beaver's good at, he can't help us. He's an idiot. He's selling tacos to a religious crowd. Newsflash, Perry the Platypus or whoever you are, if you're gonna do it, at least get the theme right. Last I checked, Jesus didn't hold up a plate of tortillas and say hey gringos, get a load of my body! It's religious mass, not uno mas!"

"Hey!" Daggett shrieked. "I'm just trying to run a business here!"

"Here's a better version of your not good idea!" Rick scoffed. "Tex mex at Mecca. Call it tex mecca! That's just right off the top of my head! Oh hey, I have a reading."

The buttons and lights on Rick's gizmo were going berserk, flashing like it were some sort of tiny portable rave simulator. He held it aloft and much to Rick's apparent chagrin, it appeared to light up brightest when it was aimed in the direction of his Popeness himself. Rick frowned and made some brief adjustments, hoping it would prove to be malfunctioning. It remained as insistent as before, dials and flashes pointing in the Pope's direction.

"Okay there's gotta be an ion storm or some other conveniently labelled bullcrap to explain this horsecrap," fumed Rick as he brought his beady eyes in close to the device's readings. "It's saying here that our target is up there. But that doesn't look like a shapely woman to me. Not when I'm this sober anyway."

Morty shielded his eyes and peered at the balcony. They had been tasked with locating Carmen Sandiego. No easy task, mind. Many before them had tried and failed. This was all the reason Rick needed to take the search for a fictional character to ridiculous extremes.

"Well I'm not too surprised," Morty declared. "After all, you input all the information we had on her, and she's not even a real person. Obviously things are gonna get mixed up-"

Before Morty could even finish resigning himself to their failure, a familiar person appeared behind the Pope as he was addressing the gathering crowds below. A slim figure dressed in red with a wide brimmed hat snuck out from the rear of the balcony and put their hand up behind the pope, making bunny ears with their gloved fingers. Then they proceeded to take multiple selfies with him, and pose in a manner which would have caused even the atheists in the crowd to take offense to such a brash insulting of his holiness.

"There she is! That's her!" Rick announced, holding up his tracking device. "I knew my machine would work. Fuck you for not believing in me, by the way Morty."

"I don't think that's Carmen Sandiego," Morty whimpered. "Sure it looks like her, but..."

"But nothin'! My readings don't lie! And mark my words, that is..."

Before Rick could finish his argument, Morty's jaw sank as he watched Alucard backflip off the balcony mid-mass and start firing twin pistols into the crowd, whereupon he began ranged combat with some unnaturally powered villain. A bloodbath ensued, completely destroying the quiet reverency of the Pope's speech.

"Well fuck," Rick grunted.

"Tacos?" Daggett inquired, gesturing to his wares. Rick and Morty bought tacos and travelled back to their own dimension, where Carmen Sandiego did not take the form of an evil, fuckmothering vampire.