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The Difference

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It was never dark when they did this. For some reason they always kept the lights on in their trailers on set. And on those rare occasions when they somehow had enough time during or after shooting and headed to Joe's hotel room, it was never night. Even if it was dark outside and David came up with him to "read a few scenes", they didn't turn out the lights.

Joe wasn't sure why.

Maybe because that would make it seem more secret, more forbidden, something that he certainly didn't want. Or maybe it would be like sleeping. Like resting in peace together after a hard day's work. Something that he couldn't acknowledge he wanted because they could never have it.

Except today.

It had been Jane's idea actually. The shooting had gone on forever and ever into the night. When David had called her to let her know she shouldn't wait up for him, she'd suggested he just "crash" with Joe.

Joe had hesitated and asked if those had been her exact words, wondering if Jane hadn't maybe just suggested that he crash with someone, not specifically Joe, but David had given him a long look and said, "Yes. Would you mind?"

Joe swallowed hard, suddenly incredibly aware of the people around them, even though they didn't pay them any attention. "Sure," he said, managing to sound casual. "I mean, no, I don't mind," he then had to correct himself.

David smirked at him. Then his expression softened into something like longing.

Joe looked away, his eyes searching for a distraction and finding Martin Wood looking over to him.

They'd finally finished shooting and were now back in his hotel room. They'd used the bathroom one after the other and then slipped into bed as if they really were just friends and colleagues—if colleagues wouldn't think twice about sharing a bed.

They could sleep. The day had certainly been long enough, and he felt tired to the bone, but still every part of his body was aware of David's proximity and wouldn't let him rest, wouldn't let him stay on his side on the bed.

"David?" he whispered.

There was a long silence. "I wasn't sure if you wanted..." David began, but trailed off. "You seemed like you didn't... I'd understand, okay?"

Joe felt bad. David did understand. Sometimes Joe felt as if David understood him better than he did himself. It wasn't that Joe didn't want. Wanting was never the problem with David. Well, only the fact that he did want when he shouldn't. Which really was the problem now too and the reason that David had sensed his hesitation.

Lying like this in the dark was different. Touching each other, kissing, licking, moving against each other would all be different, but it wasn't so much having sex with David as falling asleep with him afterwards.

They'd never done that. They'd never woken up together. They'd never shared a bed, because sharing a bed was for your wife. He tried not to think of Katherine and what he was doing to her every time he was with David.

He wished he could stop. He wished they'd never begun in the first place, but at the same time he knew that wasn't being quite honest with himself because there had been and there still was a part of him that more than wanted this. Some part of him wanted it so much that he'd still done it, despite everything.

And that part of him wanted to reach out to David now. Joe wasn't even sure why he was fighting it. What difference did it make if he fell asleep after having sex with David? What difference did it make if he had his arms around David, still reeling from the feeling of having him inside of him, when he drifted off? Not doing this now wouldn't change anything if he still slept with David the next chance they got.

He looked over at David's back, faintly visible in the moonlight peeking through the curtains.

Joe reached out and touched David. At first, David tensed, then relaxed and turned to him.

"We really don't have to," David said quietly, but his barely visible eyes told a different story. They told Joe that it would make a difference.

It would make the difference of giving David something rare and special when all they ever had were little moments. It would make the difference of saying "yes" when so often all he could do was deny him. It was the difference of giving them an experience that they might never have again, an experience they never allowed themselves, but that they both desperately wanted.

"I think we do," Joe said, pulling David's face closer to kiss him.

For a moment, David didn't respond, and Joe wondered if maybe there was more to this than David thinking Joe wasn't ready to allow them to have this. But then David opened up his mouth and moved closer to Joe, moving his hand around him and fisting his shirt as he pulled him close.

The kiss grew more heated, and they started tearing on their clothes until David had enough and pushed Joe's shirt up and over his head and Joe did the same for him.

David moved on top of him, wonderfully solid and possessively keeping Joe on his back. Not that Joe wanted to be anywhere else now. They kissed again, tongues clashing and hands wandering restlessly over skin.

David was straddling him and Joe loved how being in the dark made all his other senses so much more aware of David. The heat of his body, the roughness of his hair against the softness of his skin. The feel and taste of sweat and the inside of his mouth. The sounds their bodies made when they moved against each other. David's panting in his ear and on his neck that he both felt and heard. The smell of sweat and sex and them.

David's cock pressed against him, and Joe stroked it through his boxers, hungry for a taste of David. "I want to..." he began and then moved his hand to the slit to get to David's cock.

"Yeah, okay," David panted and moved until they could drag the boxers off. "You should get naked too," he said, and Joe readily obeyed, lifting up so that David could pull off his boxers until they were both naked.

"Come here," Joe said, pulling David by his hips.

"We have all night," David reminded him, and Joe stopped, suddenly remembering that they weren't in a rush this time—and also why they were at any other time. "I shouldn't have—"

"No," Joe stopped him. "We do have all night," he said, pulling David down more gently until he was resting on top of Joe again.

Joe put his arms around David and kissed him, more slowly this time. They made out for a while, enjoying the luxury of being together without having to watch the clock—even though they'd have to go to sleep at some point. Work was waiting early the next morning, but for now Joe simply enjoyed the feeling of David's body on top of his.

He let his fingertips run over the skin of David's back and memorized the feeling of this moment, lying here together in the dark.

He didn't want to think about what it meant. He didn't want to think about the fact that he was treasuring this, storing it away. It felt good, almost too good, but that was another thing he didn't want to think about.

They had one night. He could allow himself and David that much.

He let David dictate the pace, let him move it to the next stage when he kissed down Joe's neck and started thrusting against him. He let the thrill wash over him when David whispered his name, voice rough with need.

David prepared him carefully, but with a sense of renewed urgency, and Joe closed his eyes just feeling, hearing, smelling in the darkness. His only regret about the dark was that he couldn't see David's face when he entered Joe. But if he had, blue eyes might have distracted him from hearing the catch in David's breath.

Feeling David inside of him was always amazing, but tonight it seemed even more intense. David moved above and into him, each thrust pushing him deeper in ways that went beyond the physical.

David had always gotten under his skin. Joe had sensed it from the very first moment, but this was more than the attraction they couldn't fight, more than whatever it was that left Joe unable to walk away. Joe swallowed hard, breathing shallow breaths as David pushed them both towards climax. His powerful thrusts didn't stop when he leaned down to kiss Joe.

Joe returned the kiss hungrily, hands almost clawing into David's skin. He moved his legs, trying to push David even deeper, desperate to fill that need he didn't dare put a name on.

"David," he started panting, trying to drown out the buzzing in his head.

And David pushed and pushed and didn't stop, didn't slow down, deeper and deeper until Joe came with a strangled shout, breaking apart from the very center that David had pushed himself into. David fucked him through it, holding him together until he came as well and collapsed on Joe, panting into his chest.

Joe knew the regret of feeling David pull out. He'd seen him walk away to dispose of the condom and come back with a wash cloth. This time though, the only thing he could see was the sharp line of light that came through the bathroom door, before David switched it off again. Joe couldn't see if David's face looked different when cleaning up wasn't the prelude to saying goodbye.

David didn't speak when he settled down next to Joe to sleep. He reached out and tentatively moved an arm over Joe, and Joe ran his hand over it, encouraging David to move closer. He did.

They ended up wrapped around one another, which wasn't the most comfortable position but it was the closest they could get to each other.

Joe didn't think he'd be able to sleep at all. He wanted to remember this night as the one night that was different from all others, the one night that was neither spent with Katherine nor alone, the one night that he was David's.

But as he drifted off more peacefully than he could have imagined, he vaguely thought that this wasn't the night that was different. It was all the other nights. They were different from this—different from how it should be.

The thought should have scared the hell out of him. And it would have—if he hadn't fallen blissfully asleep before it could.