Actions

Work Header

Alpha Rats Nest

Work Text:

--carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]--

CG: HEY, ARE YOU AWAKE?

CG: I CAN’T SLEEP AGAIN.

CG: OKAY, IT’S LESS LIKE I CAN’T *SLEEP* AND MORE LIKE I CAN’T STOP *THINKING.* ALL OF THAT ENDGAME BULLSHIT VRISKA VOMITED UP INTO THOSE MEMOS TONIGHT KEEPS BOUNCING AROUND IN MY THINKPAN.

CG: OR “ENDGAME,” I GUESS?

CG: I HONESTLY CANNOT TELL IF ADDING ENCLOSURE TALONS TO THAT WORD MAKES ME FEEL BETTER OR WORSE.

CG: ON THE ONE HAND, IT *DOES* MAKE ME FEEL A MODICUM LESS LIKE SOME KIND OF HAPLESS, CLUELESS PROTAGONIST, TRAPPED IN WHAT IS UNDOUBTEDLY THE MOST STAGNANT, FETID CHARACTER ARC OF ALL TIME.

CG: ON THE OTHER HAND, IT MAKES FEEL LIKE A COWARD. LIKE, A REALLY DESPICABLE ONE WHO IS TRYING TO INVALIDATE SOMETHING TOTALLY VALID BY USING A LOT OF DENIAL AND ONLY A LITTLE BIT OF SYNTAX.

CG: WHICH ISN’T ANYTHING NEW FOR ME, ACTUALLY, BUT ALSO ISN’T PARTICULARLY CONDUCIVE TO SLEEP.

CG: DAVE? ARE YOU AWAKE?

CG: APPARENTLY NOT! YOUR HANDLE JUST WENT OFFLINE.

CG: JESUS DIPSHITTING CHRIST. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO REMIND YOU TO LOG OUT OF PESTERCHUM BEFORE BED?

CG: …I’M GLAD YOU’RE FINALLY GETTING SOME DECENT SHUTEYE, THOUGH. YOU’VE BEEN FUCKING EXHAUSTED THESE PAST FEW DAYS, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU KEEP DENYING IT, AND MY LAP CAN’T BE THE *ONLY* PLACE YOU SLEEP, NO MATTER HOW MUCH I ADMITTEDLY ENJOY BEING YOUR LIVING, BREATHING SNUGGLEPLANE.

CG: SLEEP WELL, LOSER. WE’LL TALK TOMORROW.

--carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]--

--carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]--

CG: FUCK.

--carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]--

--carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]--

CG: HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT SOMETHING SO HARD YOU FELT LIKE YOUR NUGBONE WAS GOING TO BURST? BECAUSE I JUST DID AND I THINK I UNWITTINGLY GAVE MYSELF SOME KIND OF CONTEMPLATIVE CONCUSSION.

CG: DAVE?

CG: SHIT, YOU’RE STILL ASLEEP.

CG: I CAN’T BELIEVE I ALREADY FORGOT. MUST BE THE CONCUSSION.

CG: I’LL FUCK OFF AND LEAVE YOU ALONE AGAIN.

CG: DON’T LET THE “BEDBUGS” BITE, OR HOWEVER THAT STUPID EARTH IDIOM GOES.

--carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]--

--carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]--

CG: OKAY, I KNOW YOU’RE STILL ASLEEP AND/OR OFFLINE AND DIDN’T GET ANY OF THOSE LAST MESSAGES.

CG: AND I KNOW YOU’RE PROBABLY NOT GOING TO GET ANY OF *THESE* EITHER AND HONESTLY? I’M OKAY WITH THAT.

CG: BUT I WAS THINKING THAT MAYBE…

CG: MAYBE IF I VERBALIZE WHAT’S BOTHERING ME, EVEN IF YOU’RE NOT HERE TO SEE IT, IT’LL LEAVE MY THINK JELLY ONCE AND FOR ALL, AND CEASE FESTERING IN THERE LIKE SOMETHING MY LUSUS DRAGGED IN.

CG: FOR ONCE I CAN PURGE MYSELF OF MY MAUDLIN MELODRAMA WITHOUT PILING IT ONTO SOMEONE I CARE ABOUT! ALMOST LIKE HAVING MY GRUB, AND CULLING IT TOO?

CG: FUCK. THAT’S ACTUALLY A GOOD IDEA. POSSIBLY ONE OF THE ONLY ONES I’VE EVER HAD! DAMN.

CG: I’M GOING FOR IT.

CG: HERE’S THE THING: I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT DYING.

CG: HOW I MIGHT DIE IN THE FINAL BATTLE, I MEAN.

CG: I CAN’T FIGHT FOR SHIT. AT THIS POINT, MY LACK OF BATTLE PROWESS IS JUST ANOTHER THROBBING, PROTUBERANT BLEMISH ON MY WRETCHED FUCKING EXISTENCE. THE SUN IS GREEN, TEREZI PYROPE IS BLIND, AND THE ONLY THING KARKAT VANTAS CAN SUCCESSFULLY SLICE WITH HIS SICKLES IS GRUBLOAF!

CG: I’VE FOUND EATING UTENSILS IN OUR COMMUNAL MEAL BLOCK THAT MAKE WORTHIER ADVERSARIES THAN ME.

CG: BUT I’M USED TO THAT, AND AS MONUMENTALLY PATHETIC AS IT SOUNDS, I’M USED TO HAVING DEATH HANGING OVER MY HORNS, TOO. SPENDING SIX SWEATY SWEEPS GROWING UP ON A PLANET THAT DESPISED MY LITERAL FUCKING GUTS LEFT ME WITH A FRANKLY *OBSCENE* AMOUNT OF TIME TO ADJUST TO MY IMMINENT MORTALITY.

CG: SO IT’S NOT REALLY THE POSSIBILITY OF DEATH THAT’S FUCKING ME OVER, HERE. THAT’S NOTHING NEW. I’VE FONDLED MY GLOBES TO *THAT* PARTICULAR TOPIC ENOUGH FOR THE REST OF MY NO DOUBT DIMINUTIVE LIFETIME.

CG: I JUST. FUCK.

CG: I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT ALL OF THE SECRETS AND STORIES THAT WOULD DIE WITH ME. THAT’S THE PART MAKING IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO SLEEP.

CG: DYING WITH ALL OF MY PRIVATE AFFAIRS INTACT *USED* TO SEEM LIKE A PRETTY FUCKING STELLAR IDEA! AFTER ALL, THE LAST THING PARADOX SPACE NEEDS IS FOR ME TO FILL IT WITH MORE OF MY MAWKISH BULLSHIT.

CG: BUT WHEN GAMZEE WENT SHITHIVE MAGGOTS AND EVERYONE WAS DYING AND I THOUGHT MY INCOMPETENT ASS WAS WELL AND TRULY DONE FOR… I COULDN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT ALL OF THOSE SECRETS AND THE TRULY NEGLIGIBLE AMOUNT OF THEM I GOT TO UNLOAD. ABOUT HOW SWOLLEN WITH THEM I WAS AND HOW LONELY THAT MADE ME FEEL, AND HOW I WAS GOING TO DIE SWOLLEN AND LONELY AND THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY FUCK ALL I COULD DO ABOUT IT.

CG: THERE WAS JUST SO *MUCH* THAT I NEVER GOT TO TELL ANYONE. I HAD SIX SWEEPS OF SHIT I’D STORED UP TO TELL SOMEONE SPECIAL SOMEDAY, AND I WAS GOING TO KICK THE FUCKING BUCKET WITHOUT GETTING TO TELL ANYONE ANYTHING.

CG: NOW THAT WE’RE ALMOST TO THE OTHER SESSION, I’M FEELING SWOLLEN AGAIN. MAYBE NOT LONELY, BUT DEFINITELY SWOLLEN.

CG: FUCK. I’M PROBABLY NOT MAKING EVEN THE TINIEST LUMPSQUIRT OF SENSE HERE.

CG: GOOD THING YOU’RE NOT HERE, SO IT DOESN’T MATTER!

CG: HAHA, HOLY SHIT, THAT WOULD BE FUCKING MORTIFYING.

TG: yo

CG: HOLY BULGEWRENCHING **FUCK!**

CG: HOW LONG HAVE *YOU* BEEN HERE???

TG: not long

TG: only since “lumpsquirt” tbh

TG: im scrolling up now though so give me a sec to catch up

CG: YOU DON’T HAVE TO!

CG: IT’S NOT IMPORTANT.

CG: I’M JUST RAMBLING ABOUT NOTHING, AND GIVING MYSELF ANOTHER HISTRIONIC, ENTIRELY UNNECESSARY EXISTENTIAL ENEMA IN THE PROCESS.

CG: SO, YOU KNOW. THE USUAL.

TG: as true as that usually is this doesnt seem like one of your usual hilaribad superficial shitfits

TG: and it definitely isnt “nothing” if youre messaging my offline ass at fuck off o clock about it

TG: so seriously dude whats got you all worked up

CG: DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW?

CG: WAIT, FUCK, SORRY.

CG: THAT SOUNDED REALLY FLIPPANT AND AGGRESSIVE.

CG: WHAT I’M *TRYING* TO SAY IS, IT’S LATE AND YOU’RE TIRED AND THIS ISN’T EXACTLY A FUN TOPIC OF CONVERSATION.

CG: SO IF YOU’RE NOT UP FOR IT RIGHT NOW, OR *EVER,* ACTUALLY, IT’S ALRIGHT. REALLY.

TG: ok first of all im up and at em of my own volition here so dont worry about how late it is or if im tired

TG: i got my snooze on for seven and a half wholesome hours and even if i didnt lets be real here dude

TG: its not like were two generally well rested dudes in the first place

TG: second of all even if i was fucking exhausted id still want to try to hash this out with you

TG: sweet dreams are hard to come by knowing my boyfriends collapsing under the weight of his own emotional distress

CG: OH.

CG: THAT’S NEVER GOING TO GET OLD.

TG: what is

TG: the fact that i genuinely care about your wellbeing?

TG: because that should definitely be something that gets old the same way gravity and breathing and blinking have gotten old

TG: by which i mean you should hurry up and accept me caring about you as a constant and indisputable fact of life at this point and onwards

TG: and tbh if you havent done that already then i need to seriously up my fucking game

CG: AS NICE AS THAT WAS TO READ, I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE BOYFRIEND THING, YOU DOTING, ADORABLE DUMBASS.

CG: IT’S BEEN FOUR PERIGEES NOW AND SEEING YOU CALL ME YOUR BOYFRIEND STILL MAKES MY BLOOD PUSHER THROB LIKE I’M STARRING IN A TROLLBIE CAILLAT SONG.

TG: oh my god

CG: ANYWAYS, I GUESS… IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW, I CAN TELL YOU?

CG: ABOUT THE THING THAT’S BOTHERING ME, I MEAN.

TG: you *can* tell me? or you *want* to tell me

TG: that wasnt a rhetorical question btw i am actually looking for an answer here

CG: YES.

CG: FUCK YES, I WANT TO TELL YOU.

TG: well in that case yes i definitely do want to know and you totally should tell me

TG: hurry up and spill the fart nibblets already dude the suspense is killing me

CG: OKAY.

CG: I MAY OR MAY NOT BE FLIPPING MY SHIT OVER THE FINAL BATTLE, AND THE VERY REAL POSSIBILITY OF ME GETTING MY UNSANCTIONED ENTRAILS HANDED TO ME ON A SILVER FUCKING PLATTER.

TG: oh

TG: well shit

CG: SORRY.

CG: I KNOW YOU DESPISE TALKING ABOUT THIS STUFF AND THE FIGHTING WE’RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO AND HERE I AM, TALKING ABOUT IT ANYWAYS LIKE THE MOST NOXIOUS, SOCIALLY PROLAPSED ASSHOLE!

TG: i uh

TG: no

TG: its ok

CG: BULLSHIT.

TG: i mean im not gonna lie i fucking hate talking about this stuff

TG: not that i was lying before or anything im just being uber earnest right now

TG: but tbh this is a conversation we shouldve had a while ago and the longer we keep ignoring the trunkbeast in the room the worse were probably gonna feel

TG: plus ive got some “endgame” grievances to air out too so we may as well just get this discussion over with

CG: YOU USED PARENTHESES.

TG: uh yeah

TG: it makes me feel less like some kind of half baked npc and more like an autonomous and self aware dude who just happens to have a sword he uses in boss battles sometimes

TG: wow ok typing that out like that makes me realize how lame that sounds

TG: like im self medicating with some seriously half assed punctuation

CG: NO!

CG: I LIKE IT. KEEP DOING IT.

TG: haha alright

TG: but listen up dude because these are probably going to be the least irrelevant words to ever leave my mouth

TG: im not going to let you die

TG: fuck whatever "endgame" serket has planned for us

TG: youre MY endgame and if a timeline doesnt include you fully functional and breathing i dont want any part of it and you can bet your fantastic ass that im going to slam that motherfucking rewind button if something bad happens to you

TG: and dont even think about feeling guilty about “making me use the powers i hate” or whatever because im doing this for my sake too not just yours

TG: i dont know what id do without you

TG: i know it looks like i just regurgitated a line out of one of your movies but man its true

TG: time travel might leave me feeling like a banana in a moshpit but thats nothing compared to how abysmally shitty id feel without you

TG: youre one of the best things to ever happen to me and im going to make sure you keep happening no matter what kind of rank bullshit gets thrown at us and ive literally got all the time in paradox space and then some to make sure we make it out of this intact

TG: so yeah

TG: uh

TG: im done now i guess?

TG: if youve got a counter argument youd better snap to it

TG: karkat?

TG: did you seriously fall asleep during the most important ramble of my life

CG: NO!

CG: NO, I’M AWAKE. I SAW ALL OF IT. I JUST…

CG: I WASN’T PREPARED. FOR YOUR ANSWER.

TG: are we talking good unprepared or bad unprepared here

TG: like on a scale from taking a quiz you didnt study for to death by spontaneous human/and/or/troll combustion how unprepared were you

CG: WHEREVER “DRIBBLING WEEPY WRIGGLER TEARS ALL OVER MY KEYBOARD” FALLS.

TG: holy shit

TG: uh

TG: you dont have to cry dude

CG: AFTER THAT SPEECH? I REALLY KIND OF DO.

TG: seriously man the waterworks are unwarranted like you literally have less reason to cry now than you did before this conversation

CG: YOU’RE TOO GOOD FOR ME, FUCK.

TG: if im too good for you and youre too good for me then whos flying the plane

CG: JOKE ALL YOU WANT, CHUCKLEFUCKER, BUT THAT DOESN’T CHANGE THE FACT THAT YOU’RE NOT ONLY CAPABLE OF NAVIGATING THE EMOTIONAL MINEFIELD THAT IS MY PAN, BUT ALSO OF *DIFFUSING* DISASTER ZONES I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW *EXISTED* WHILE YOU’RE AT IT.

TG: right back at ya bro

TG: taking a couple choice minutes to remind you that i a) want us alive and b) am gonna make sure we stay that way is the least i can do after you took me by the miserable compulsively heterosexual hand and led me out of the all consuming soul sucking shitshow that was dave “denial” striders super sexuality crisis clusterfuck two: electric boogaloo

CG: WAIT, “TWO”? WHAT WAS THE FIRST ONE?

TG: that one time i was thirteen and had a dream about kissing john and couldnt talk to him for a week until i managed to convince myself it was all roses fault for “planting foreign gay thoughts” in my “susceptible straight boy brain” by asking me to beta her harry potter slashfic literally one time when we were twelve

TG: i told you about this before remember

CG: OH, RIGHT.

CG: HOW COULD I HAVE EVER FORGOTTEN?

CG: BY WHICH I MEAN, HOW COULD I HAVE EVER FAILED TO RETAIN SOMETHING SO EYE-CROSSINGLY, DEPLORABLY STUPID.

TG: i know right

TG: thank fucking god which is you btw

TG: i never told her about that because she never would have let me live it down

TG: anyways uh

TG: you feel any better now that youve gotten that off of your chest?

TG: or better enough to sleep tonight at least

CG: I’LL DEFINITELY BE ABLE TO SLEEP TONIGHT.

CG: AND I GUESS I CAN SHELVE ANY THOUGHTS OF DEATH FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE.

CG: FOR YOUR SAKE, IF NOT ALWAYS FOR MINE.

TG: sweet

TG: if you still wanna talk about it later though im down

CG: I’LL PROBABLY TAKE YOU UP ON THAT.

CG: MAYBE NOT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GODDAMN NIGHT NEXT TIME, THOUGH.

TG: haha alright

TG: sounds good

TG: also hey you were talking about secrets earlier right

TG: and how you never got to tell them to anyone

CG: YEAH.

CG: THAT DOESN’T MATTER ANYMORE THOUGH, SINCE YOU’RE NOT GOING TO LET US DIE.

TG: thats true

TG: but if you still wanna tell me some secrets you can

CG: REALLY?

TG: wouldnt offer it if i wasnt up for it bro

TG: i always wanna learn more about you

TG: haha wow that was probably one of the gayest things to ever leave my mouth and i literally offered you a blowjob yesterday so thats saying something

CG: THAT SOUNDS REALLY NICE.

CG: SHARING SECRETS, I MEAN.

CG: BUT IF WE’RE REALLY DOING THIS, CAN WE ESTABLISH SOME RULES FIRST.

CG: BECAUSE IT IS ABSOLUTELY GODDAMN IMPERATIVE THAT WE DO THAT FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH, AND ALSO MAYBE FOR MINE, IF YOU WANT TO SHARE ANYTHING WITH ME.

TG: i do yeah

TG: and laying down some rules sounds good

TG: as much as id love to give you an unconditional green light to fling the forbidden fruit of your tortured mind at me idk if thats the best idea

TG: i mean i wanna think i can handle anything you throw at me but tbh i have no real way of knowing for sure until im faced with it and realize i actually cant handle it for shit

TG: like im some kind of falconer except instead of birds of prey im handling secrets and thanks to my hubris the secrets keep fucking off to go hunt mice or endangered wildlife or whatever instead of landing on my big ass leather birdsports glove like i want them to

TG: which is pretty much my life experience in a distressingly dismal nutshell actually

TG: damn that last metaphor got away from me fast but you know what i mean

CG: SOMEHOW, I DO. WHICH IS WHY I’M THINKING WE SHOULD HAVE A SAFEWORD, IN CASE WE ACCIDENTALLY WANDER INTO A TOPIC TOO HEAVY FOR US, OR SOMETHING?

CG: HAHA, HOLY SHIT, THIS IS A SCENE STRAIGHT OUT OF PALE PORN. LIKE, THE KIND WITH AN ACTUAL PLOT AND ROMANTIC INTRIGUE, AND NOT JUST TEN MINUTES OF GRATUITOUS CHEEK FONDLING.

CG: I CAN JUST PICTURE THE TITLE NOW:

CG: “MUTANT CULLBAIT PASSIONATELY REASSURED AND VALIDATED BY PITIFUL ALIEN MOIRAIL” (FROM THE CAN’T GET ENOUGH PAPS COLLECTION, VOLUME XXX).

TG: baby im gonna make you feel SO safe and your secrets SO coveted youre gonna achieve catharsis without me so much as brushing a single dorito dust coated digit across your quivering cheek

CG: YOUR FLAGRANT, PERSISTENT DEPRAVITY AND ABYSMAL REGARD FOR EVEN THE BAREST SEMBLANCE OF CULTURAL SENSITIVITY CONTINUE TO AMAZE AND ASTOUND ME.

CG: AND BY AMAZE AND ASTOUND, I MEAN MAKE ME WANT TO REAR MY JAW UPWARDS AND FINALLY COMPLETE MY LONG-IMPENDING TRANSFORMATION INTO A VOLUPTUOUS VOMIT VOLCANO.

TG: thats rich as fuck coming from the guy who went off like the feistiest firecracker at a rowdy redneck fourth of july shindig the last time we threw a little pale into our usual quadrant clusterfuck cocktail

TG: and bro when i say pale i mean pale as a goth getting exsanguinated because thats literally how pale you got

TG: or how soft i guess since you were making tender love to my cheekbone with the pad of your thumb and whispering gentle assurances of how “safe” and “loved” i was while simultaneously slithering your slippery way all over my bod

TG: its cool though you know im into playing romance foursquare with you even/especially when the ball goes out of bounds

CG: I *DO* KNOW, AND I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE IT. HOW I EVER MANAGED TO GET SO FUCKING LUCKY DESPITE MY GENETIC PREDILECTION FOR UTTER CATASTROPHE IS AS INEXPLICABLE AS IT IS AMAZING. WHICH IS VERY, SINCE THIS IS YOU I’M TALKING ABOUT, HERE.

CG: YOU’RE AMAZING, DAVE. HAVE I TOLD YOU THAT YET?

CG: FUCK, I REALLY HOPE I HAVE.

TG: well

TG: you definitely have yeah

TG: but if you wanna keep doing it anyways thats alright too

CG: OKAY, GOOD. I WILL.

CG: I WANT YOU TO HEAR IT, BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT.

TG: haha wow ok

TG: sweet

TG: thanks man

CG: DON’T THANK ME FOR TELLING THE TRUTH.

CG: ALSO, THE ONLY THING OUT OF BOUNDS HERE ARE YOUR METAPHORS, SHIT-FOR-PANS.

CG: WHAT THE TAINTCHAFING FUCK IS A “REDNECK,” AND HOW EXACTLY DO THEY GO ABOUT BEING ROWDY?

TG: uh ill tell you some other time

TG: explaining what a redneck is would pretty much obliterate the moment were sharing right now and i already do that enough as it is

TG: lets get back to talking about secrets again instead that was cool

TG: what should our secret sharing safeword be

CG: OH, RIGHT! UM…

CG: SOMETHING THAT NEITHER OF US WOULD EVER UTTER IN NORMAL CONVERSATION.

TG: man i hate to break it to you but i dont think weve ever had a conversation that could be classified as normal

CG: YOU *KNOW* WHAT I MEAN, YOU SMARMY ASSHOLE.

CG: HOW ABOUT “ZAZZERPAN”? IN HONOR OF THAT TRULY EGREGIOUS WIZARD FIC WE READ A WHILE AGO.

CG: I’M STILL WAITING FOR ROSE TO HAND US OUR RESPECTIVE, NOSY ASSES FOR READING HER WRITING WITHOUT PERMISSION, BY THE WAY. EVEN IF IT DID TECHNICALLY BELONG TO HER THIRTEEN YEAR OLD GHOST.

TG: hey man its not like we wandered into that dream bubble of her old room on purpose and its definitely not our fault her absent ghost had her writing journal sprawled out all open and enticing on her desk

TG: that angsty rose prose was practically oozing eau du teenage angst and its not like either of us can resist the overpowering allure of poorly executed adverbs

TG: but yeah zazzerpan sounds like a good safeword

TG: its perfect since any conversation involving wizened wizard staff should be terminated asap anyways

TG: wait

TG: the person telling the secret can safeword out too if shit gets too weighted right?

TG: like its not just for the listener

CG: OF COURSE.

TG: nice

CG: AND REMEMBER, WE’RE NOT JUST TELLING *SECRETS* HERE. WE CAN ALSO TELL STORIES WE HAVEN’T TOLD ANYONE YET, OR AIR ANY PREVIOUSLY UNAIRED GRIEVANCES, OR JUST TALK ABOUT SOMETHING WE HAVEN’T TALKED ABOUT ALREADY. AT LEAST, THAT’S WHAT I’M GOING TO DO.

TG: got it

TG: so its ok if i dont lay any earth shattering confessions on you or anything?

TG: like youre not gonna feel cheated or anything

CG: NOT AT ALL.

CG: THAT’S ABOUT ALL I HAD PLANNED FOR RULES. DO YOU WANT TO ESTABLISH ANY MORE?

CG: I’M GOOD NOW, BUT WE CAN MAKE MORE IF YOU WANT.

TG: naw

TG: im good now too i think

TG: lets get this show on the road

CG: ALRIGHT! THAT WAS SURPRISINGLY EASY, WOW.

CG: DAMN.

CG: THE FACT THAT THIS IS AN ACTUAL OPPORTUNITY I HAVE NOT ONLY AT MY FRONDS, BUT ALSO *OUTSIDE* OF THE CRUSHING, CLAMMY CONTEXT OF MY OWN IMMINENT FUCKING DEATH IS SO SURREAL, SHIT.

CG: UH… SINCE APPARENTLY WE ARE ACTUALLY, REALLY DOING THIS… I GUESS I’LL GO FIRST?

TG: oh where definitely DOING this man

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT? I WALTZED RIGHT INTO THAT ONE. I SUPERIMPOSED MY STUPID STRUT POD RIGHT INTO THAT PARTICULAR CHOLERBEAR TRAP.

TG: where MAKING THIS HAPEN

CG: THE TRAP HAS CLOSED ITS COLD, METAL JAWS AROUND MY IDIOTIC ANKLE, AND I HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME FOR IT EXCEPT MYSELF AS I SIT AND WAIT FOR THE SWEET, SWEET EMBRACE OF MY UNSAVORY SAVIOR, NECROSIS.

TG: oh my fucking god

TG: quit being a meme miser and hurry up and relay some juicy gossip already

CG: OKAY… FUCK, OKAY, HERE I GO!

CG: ONE PATENTED, VIOLENTLY REPRESSED KARKAT VANTAS ORIGINAL, SQUEEZED FRESH FROM HIS STRAINING SECRET SACK AND HEADED YOUR WAY!

CG: …

CG: UH.

TG: …

TG: ……

TG: ok seriously man youve been typing and backspacing for a good minute now

TG: let me just reiterate that this is a judgement free zone

TG: you could tell me in explicit detail how much you want to fellate my toes and even that would be ok

TG: kinda wild gross and unexpected maybe but still ok

CG: I’D RATHER STRANGLE MYSELF WITH LORD ENGLISH’S SUSPENDERS THAN HAVE YOUR FLESHY FOOT PHALANGES ANYWHERE NEAR MY MOUTH.

TG: well then whats the hold up

CG: FINE! ALRIGHT!

CG: I HAD A CRUSH ON GAMZEE.

TG: haha holy shit dude what

CG: AND SOLLUX. AND TEREZI, BUT YOU ALREADY KNEW THAT.

CG: FUCK ME, I EVEN LIKED ERIDAN A LITTLE.

TG: woah wait hold up

TG: like

TG: all in the same quadrant?

CG: WHAT? NO! THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN SUCH A GODDAMN MESS, EVEN FOR ME.

CG: I WAS DISGUSTINGLY PALE FOR GAMZEE. LESS SO FOR ERIDAN, BUT STILL PALE.

CG: GAMZEE BARELY EVEN KNEW HOW TO BRUSH HIS HAIR AND ERIDAN WAS THE EPITOME OF THE “UNSTABLE HIGHBLOOD IN DESPERATE, OUTSPOKEN NEED OF A GOOD, FIRM, LOWBLOOD PAPPING” CLICHE THAT COMPRISED A GOOD THIRD OF THE GARBAGE LITERATURE I SHOVED DOWN MY CHUTE WHEN I WAS SIX.

CG: AS FOR SOLLUX… I HONESTLY DON’T KNOW. IT WAS PALE, SOMETIMES? IT VARIED.

CG: SOMETIMES HE WOULD PLUNGE HORNS-OVER-HEELS INTO ONE OF HIS DUMBASS, MANIC CODING MOODS AND STAY UP FOR DAYS WITHOUT EATING OR SLEEPING, AND ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS SLAM HIS BONY "~ATH" INTO THE NEAREST PILE AND PACIFY HIM UNTIL HE WAS TOO WOBBLY TO TYPE.

TG: holy shit

TG: you werent kidding dude this is downright pornographic

CG: YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW THAT I *NEVER* JOKE ABOUT PALE PORN, DAVE.

CG: ANYWAYS, HE’D HAVE ME SEEING DIAMONDS FOR A WHILE, BUT THEN TEN MINUTES LATER WE’D INEVITABLY ANTAGONIZE EACH OTHER OVER SOME UTTERLY INANE BULLSHIT, AND THE DIAMONDS WOULD SHATTER AND THEIR SHARDS WOULD REARRANGE THEMSELVES INTO SPADES, AND I’D WANT TO CLOBBER HIM OVER THE HORNS WITH MY KEYBOARD.

CG: BUT EVEN THAT WAS NOTHING COMPARED TO THE HORRORSHOW THAT WAS MY FLOUNDERING ATTEMPTS AT ANYTHING AND *EVERYTHING* WITH TEREZI!

CG: IN RETROSPECT, I’M ASTOUNDED SHE EVEN WANTS TO STILL HAVE ANY FORM OF FRIENDLY, PLATONIC CONTACT WITH MY PETULANT, POSSESSIVE ASS.

TG: well im not

TG: its been almost two and a half years since this trip began and youve both grown a lot

TG: if we all ran around this rock treating each other according to the mistakes we made when we were thirteen you and i wouldnt even be having this conversation right now because youd be too busy yelling at me for being a transparently posturing prick and id be too busy deflecting all your equally transparent comments about my lips

TG: if you can still kick it with me despite the debilitating amount of ridiculous human no homos i vomited in the face of encroaching intimacy theres nothing weird about tz letting the gross and ambivalent stuff you said when you were smaller and sweatier go

CG: WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY… I GUESS THAT MAKES SENSE? SOMEWHAT.

TG: damn right it does

TG: ive gotta ask though

TG: who was your first crush

CG: TROLL WILL SMITH.

TG: hahaha oh my fucking god dude

TG: i meant out of all of the friends you just listed but this is so much better

CG: SHUT UP! SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT THE BLESSED, ALMIGHTY FUCK UP.

CG: LOOK, I WAS FIVE AND A QUARTER SWEEPS OLD AND LONELY, AND THAT AWFUL, STRIPED MONSTROSITY OF A SHIRT HE WORE IN THE EARLY SEASONS OF “THRESH PRINCE” ACCENTUATED HIS SHOULDERS IN WAYS THAT WOULD’VE HAD JUST ABOUT *ANYONE’S* GREASY, PREPUBESCENT PUSHER FLUTTERING LIKE AN ISSUE OF GAME GRUB IN A SOLAR STORM.

CG: ALSO, I WAS REALLY INTO HOW EFFICIENTLY HE AUSPISTICIZED THE ORNERY BLUEBLOODS IN HIS FLAYSQUAD. TALK ABOUT A TOTAL CLUBS STUD.

TG: holy shit

TG: do i need to start wearing baggy striped shirts and throwing myself in between rose and vriska during strategy meetings

TG: is that what its gonna take now to satisfy you

TG: because as much as i love and respect troll and human will smith and everything they stand for idk if im equipped or willing to larp as either of them

TG: that would require actually paying attention to a will smith movie and tbh idk if ill ever be up to or even capable of that

CG: ACTUALLY, SINCE WE’RE ALREADY ON THE MORTIFYING TOPIC OF OUR CONCUPISCENT HABITS, I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY.

CG: REMEMBER THAT ONE TIME YOU PUT ON HUMAN USHER AS “MOOD MUSIC”?

CG: AND THEN A MINUTE LATER, YOU GOT TOO EMBARRASSED AND HAD TO TURN THE SONG OFF?

TG: oh god dont remind me

TG: i thought i could take the heat but wound up having to violently evacuate my own kitchen

CG: WELL, I LIKED IT! A LOT.

CG: IT WAS *ROMANTIC.*

CG: HUMAN USHER IS WELCOME TO JOIN US ANYTIME.

TG: wow

TG: ill uh

TG: keep that in mind?

CG: YOU’D BETTER.

CG: WELL, WE’RE ONLY FIVE MINUTES INTO THIS AND I’VE ALREADY DEBASED MYSELF TO THE POINT OF NO RETURN! THAT PARTICULAR SHAME SHUTTLE HAS ROCKETED OUT OF SELF RESPECT STATION, AND IS NOW HURTLING THOUSANDS OF LIGHT YEARS PER SECOND TOWARDS PLANET HUMILIATION.

TG: if it makes you feel any better im pretty sure everyone knew about your crush on troll will smith already

TG: you can only watch the alternian version of hitch so many times on your husktop in the common room before everyone starts getting suspicious and the fact that youve got a poster of him plastered to the wall next to your coon was pretty telling in and of itself

TG: but if it makes you feel any better ive had some embarrassing ass crushes too

TG: i mean look at the way i used to act around john

TG: just thinking about all of the transparently gay shit i used to fling in his direction and pass off as ““bromantic affection”” makes me want to hop back in time and stuff my cape in thirteen year old daves shitty little mouth

TG: trying to deny my attraction to him was like trying to put out a forest fire with nothing except my own spit and a really bad case of cotton mouth

TG: except for when i was salivating over hypothetical egbertian nerd chode like a desperate loser of fucking course

CG: OUT OF ALL THE COUNTLESS, GRATING SYNONYMS FOR HUMAN PHALLUS YOU’VE FORCIBLY SUBJECTED ME TO, “CHODE” IS BY FAR THE MOST HEINOUS.

TG: and you thought nothing could possibly be worse than “yogurt slinger”

CG: …

CG: HEY, HOW MUCH HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT MY DAD?

TG: holy shit dude

TG: that subject change was so sudden it just gave me whiplash

TG: you cant go from discussing dicks to discussing your dead dad without any preamble like give a guy some warning next time

CG: SORRY.

CG: I JUST HAD A MEMORY OF HIM ALL OF A SUDDEN?

TG: man you just dont wanna give me another opportunity to say chode again

CG: THAT TOO.

TG: karkat “no fun allowed” vantas strikes again

TG: and yeah youve talked to me about your dad before

TG: you told me he was big loud and crabby both literally and figuratively

TG: i remember you showed me a pic of him once back when we were still in our first tentative stages of broship and it was cool

TG: really fucking weird and kinda hard to wrap my human head around tbh but still cool

TG: what did you remember

CG: THE FIRST TIME HE TOOK ME OUTSIDE OF MY HIVE.

TG: is that a good or a bad memory

CG: A GOOD ONE. A REALLY GOOD ONE, ACTUALLY.

CG: I CAN TELL YOU ABOUT IT, IF YOU WANT TO HEAR IT?

TG: last i checked that was kinda the point of this entire conversation

TG: so yeah go for it

CG: SMARTASS.

CG: SO THE MEMORY I’M THINKING OF TOOK PLACE DURING ONE ALTERNIA’S DIM SEASONS, IN THE FOURTH WINTER, I THINK?

CG: IT WAS SO FUCKING FRIGID OUTSIDE THAT EVERYONE WITH HALF A FUNCTIONING PAN WAS COOPED UP IN THEIR HIVE, TRYING TO KEEP THEIR GLOBES FREE OF FROSTBITE. NO ONE WAS OUT, WHICH IS PROBABLY THE ONLY REASON HE LET ME COME IN THE FIRST PLACE. IT WAS ONE OF THE FEW TIMES I GOT TO TAG ALONG ON ONE OF HIS HUNTING TRIPS.

CG: HE NEVER DEPENDED ON ME TO FEED HIM, NOT LIKE OTHER LUSII DID. I KEPT ROE CUBES IN THE THERMAL HULL FOR HIM AS TREATS, TO CALM HIM DOWN FROM HIS OCCASIONAL FERAL FREAKOUTS, BUT I NEVER HAD TO PROVIDE FOR HIM. NOT IN ANY CAPACITY THAT ACTUALLY FUCKING MATTERED.

CG: HE ALWAYS KNEW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF HE LET ME OUTSIDE. HE MUST’VE KNOWN FROM THE MOMENT HE SCOOPED MY MUTANT ASS UP AND OUT OF THE BROODING CAVERNS THAT I WOULD GET CULLED IF I SO MUCH AS EXPELLED MY SNOT TOO CONSPICUOUSLY IN FRONT OF MY NEIGHBORS.

CG: I COULD PASS AS RUST IN *SOME* LIGHTING, BUT PASSING AS WHAT WAS LITERALLY THE BOTTOM OF THE FUCKING FOOD CHAIN DIDN’T EXACTLY GUARANTEE MY CONTINUED SURVIVAL, EITHER.

TG: wait

TG: so he kept you inside all the time?

CG: YEAH.

CG: WHENEVER I TRIED TO GO OUT, HE USED TO BLOCK THE FRONT DOOR, CLICK HIS CLAWS TOGETHER AND SCREECH UNTIL MY AURAL CANALS POUNDED. HE LET ME OUT ONTO THE LAWNRING MOST OF THE TIME AND ALWAYS LET ME ONTO THE BALCONIES, BUT NEVER REALLY LET ME EXPLORE *OUTSIDE*.

CG: I USED TO FUCKING DESPISE HIM FOR KEEPING ME LOCKED IN MY HIVE ALL THE TIME. PAST ME LIKENED HIMSELF TO SOME KIND OF TRAGIC REINCARNATION OF TROLL RAPUNZEL, WAITING FOR THE DAY SERENDIPITY WOULD COME SWEEP HIM OFF HIS SAD, SHUT-IN STRUT PODS AND SAVE HIM FROM HIS “TYRANT” OF A LUSUS.

CG: PAST ME WAS A FUCKING IGNORAMUS WHO STRUGGLED TO SEE MORE THAN A COUPLE FEET PAST HIS OWN SELF-IMPORTANT CARTILAGINOUS NUB.

CG: BUT BY THE TIME DAD LET ME COME ON THAT FIRST HUNT, I FINALLY UNDERSTOOD WHY HE NEVER LET ME OUT BEFORE. BY THEN I’D SAT THROUGH THE SCHOOLFEEDING MODULES ON CULLING AND POSSESSED AN INTIMATE FUCKING UNDERSTANDING OF JUST HOW LIABLE I WAS TO GET PUT DOWN BY ANY AND ALL OF MY NEIGHBORS AND, BARRING THAT, THE REST OF THE ALTERNIAN EMPIRE.

CG: DON’T GET ME WRONG, I STILL HAD WHAT WAS PROBABLY THE SINGLE WORST CASE OF CABIN FEVER EVER TO BE NOT-DOCUMENTED BY TROLLKIND, BUT I KNEW WHAT I WAS. I WASN’T ACTIVELY TRYING TO GO OUTSIDE, NOT ANYMORE.

TG: ive said it before and ill say it again

TG: your planet was monumentally fucked up dude

TG: like the more you tell me about alternia and the attempts it made on your life the more i wonder how your planet didnt just collapse in on itself under the weight of its own shittiness and turn into a big black hole of awful

TG: sucking all the good stuff and decent childhoods up and out of the rest of the galaxy too

TG: past the event horizon of evil never to be seen or fondly regarded again

CG: YOU’VE GOT A POINT.

CG: WHICH IS WHY WHEN MY DAD LET ME COME THAT FIRST TIME, I WAS SURPRISED. AT FIRST I THOUGHT HE WAS FUCKING WITH ME AND WHEN IT FINALLY GOT THROUGH MY THICK NUGBONE THAT HE WASN’T, I PRACTICALLY SHIT MYSELF.

CG: I GRABBED MY BEST SICKLE AND THREW ON MY THICKEST SWEATER, AND WE TREKKED OUT TO A NEARBY FOREST AND CAUGHT ENOUGH PREY TO LAST US UNTIL TWELFTH PERIGEE’S EVE.

CG: IT WAS A SHORT TRIP AND HE MADE ME RIDE ON HIS BACK ALMOST THE ENTIRE TIME, FOR PROTECTION, I THINK? I WAS TOO OLD TO BE CLINGING TO HIM LIKE I WAS AND IT SHOULD’VE BEEN ABSOLUTELY MORTIFYING BUT IT DIDN’T MATTER. NO ONE ELSE WAS AROUND TO SEE.

CG: INSTEAD IT JUST FELT NICE. OVERALL, IT WAS A REALLY, REALLY NICE NIGHT.

CG: I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAVEN’T THOUGHT ABOUT IT AGAIN UNTIL NOW, FUCK.

TG: that does sound really really nice

TG: how old were you

CG: ABOUT FIVE… SO ABOUT A SWEEP SHORT OF WHEN MY SESSION BEGAN.

CG: HE LET ME GO OUT WHENEVER I WANTED, AFTER THAT. I NEVER WENT FAR BUT IT WAS SUCH A FUCKING RELIEF TO DO SOMETHING, EVEN IF IT WAS TERRIFYING, THAT WASN’T READING, WATCHING MOVIES, SHITTING AROUND ON MY HUSKTOP, OR PRANCING AROUND IN MY EXERCISE BLOCK LIKE A OSTENTATIOUS TOOL. THOSE HAD BEEN MY ONLY FOUR OPTIONS FOR SO LONG I’D HONESTLY CONSIDERED SUMMONING THE DRONES MYSELF TO PUT MY STIR-CRAZY ASS OUT OF MY MISERY.

TG: hold up

TG: why did he let you go outside whenever you wanted after that first trip

TG: that seems kinda weird and sudden to me

CG: I GUESS EVEN HIS OVERPROTECTIVE HINDBRAIN MUST’VE KNOWN I COULDN’T STAY IN MY HIVE FOREVER AND STILL EXPECT TO SURVIVE TO ADULTHOOD. AT LEAST, THAT’S THE ONLY FUCKING EXPLANATION I’VE BEEN ABLE TO COME UP WITH?

CG: HE PROBABLY KEPT ME INSIDE BEFORE THAT BECAUSE HE KNEW I WOULD GET MYSELF KILLED IN A NO DOUBT MESSY AND MISERABLE FASHION OTHERWISE. HE MUST’VE WANTED TO MAKE SURE I LASTED LONG ENOUGH TO DRAG MY HEAD OUT OF MY NOOK AND UNDERSTAND THE GRAVITY OF MY MUTATION.

TG: oh

TG: ok that makes sense

TG: your dad seemed pretty cool

CG: HE REALLY WAS.

CG: THE LONGER HE’S BEEN DEAD, THE MORE I REALIZE THAT.

CG: UH, DO YOU HAVE ANY STORIES ABOUT YOUR BRO? NICE ONES, I MEAN.

CG: IF THAT’S AN OKAY THING FOR ME TO ASK.

TG: uh

TG: i do have a couple

TG: i mean itd be pretty ridiculous and pathetic if i didnt have even a tiny collection of happy memories of him no matter how much of a hypermasc hyperaggressive asshole he was

TG: but idk if im up to sharing them with you

TG: or with anyone tbh

TG: for lack of a better word and at the risk of regurgitating the purple prose from one of your novels thinking about the good times i had with him as sparse as they are makes me feel lost

TG: like as lost as a toddler who just got separated from his mom in the worlds largest corn maze

TG: thats the level of lost were dealing with here

TG: and idk if im up for feeling like that right now

TG: im good with what were doing right now

TG: its always nice to hear about your home planet

TG: well maybe not nice since your planet was a steaming shithole but you know what i mean

CG: MEANINGFUL.

CG: THAT’S THE WORD YOU’RE LOOKING FOR.

TG: damn how do you do that

CG: WHAT.

TG: always know what im trying to say when i cant or dont say it

CG: I DIDN’T *ALWAYS* KNOW WHAT YOU WERE TRYING TO SAY, NOOKWHIFF.

CG: YOU AND I BOTH KNOW WE COULDN’T CONVERSE OUR WAY OUT OF A GODDAMN PAPER BAG WHEN THIS TRIP FIRST STARTED.

CG: WE COULD BARELY EVEN EXCHANGE BASIC GREETINGS WITHOUT ME WANTING TO LAUNCH MYSELF OUT THE NEAREST AIRLOCK AND LET THE COLD, SILENT VACUUM OF SPACE SMOTHER MY FRUSTRATED SCREAMS.

TG: ill be the first to admit that i was an insufferable prick but you were pretty frustrating too dude

TG: tbh we probably drove each other crazy because we both saw right through each others facades from day one and actually liked what we saw

TG: then got pissed because we werent giving each other the chance to actually experience and appreciate all the good shit because we were too busy burying it underneath all the fake shit

TG: but the little glimpses of our real selves we saw in each other were tantalizing enough to make us wanna keep scheduling movie nights together and eventually even the fake shit started to be kinda endearing in a hilarious inside joke kinda way and by then we were already bros 4 lyfe

CG: HOLY SHIT.

CG: DID YOU JUST PSYCHOANALYZE OUR PAST SELVES?

CG: YOUR LITTER MATE’S PSYCHOBABBLE IS RUBBING OFF ON YOU.

TG: fuck

CG: BUT SERIOUSLY, THE COMMUNICATION WE HAVE NOW IS THANKS ENTIRELY TO OUR OWN PERSEVERANCE.

CG: WE WORKED OUR AVOIDANT ASSES OFF FOR THIS. FUCKING REVEL IN IT.

CG: I KNOW I AM.

CG: (:<B

TG: holy shit

TG: an ever elusive vantas smiley has deigned to make an appearance on my humble screen

TG: whats up little guy long time no see hows it hanging

TG: dont recognize me? its your old pal super secret strider smiley

TG: see look

TG: >B)

CG: YOU’RE SUCH A FUCKING NERD, JESUS CHRIST.

CG: HOW DO YOU EVEN FUNCTION?

TG: well i get a lot of help from this guy named karkat

TG: idk if youve met him before but hes my bf and hes the fucking best

CG: OH MY GOD.

TG: <3

CG: <3

CG: HAHA, WOW, WE’RE FUCKING OBNOXIOUS.

TG: ikr

TG: i kinda love it

CG: I KINDA LOVE IT TOO.

CG: AND IT’S OKAY IF YOU DON’T WANT TO TALK TO ME ABOUT YOUR BRO. EVER.

CG: BUT MY HEAR DUCTS ARE WIDE OPEN IF YOU EVER CHANGE YOUR MIND.

TG: thanks man

TG: idk if i will but ill keep that in mind for sure

TG: so you have any more stories you wanna tell me about your home planet?

TG: cause earlier it sounded like you had a lot of them and im up for a couple more tonight

CG: I HAVE ANOTHER STORY ABOUT ALTERNIA THAT I WANT TO UNLOAD, ACTUALLY.

CG: BUT IT’S KIND OF HEAVY. HEARING IT WILL PROBABLY SUCK MAJOR BULGE. I KNOW TELLING IT DEFINITELY FUCKING WILL.

TG: whats sucky about it

TG: is it sad or violent or something

TG: because all of the stories about alternia you tell me are sad and violent by default like thats kinda par for the course

CG: YEAH, BUT I WAS AN ACTIVE PARTICIPANT IN THIS ONE.

CG: IT’S DIFFERENT WHEN THE STORY IS ABOUT *OTHER* TROLLS. IT SEEMS FURTHER AWAY AND NOT AS IMPORTANT, AS ROYALLY FUCKED UP AS THAT PROBABLY MAKES ME SOUND.

TG: i get what youre saying and it is fucked up but that doesnt mean you are for feeling that way

TG: thats just kinda how were wired for survival purposes i think

TG: and bro when i said i was up for hearing more stories about alternia i meant it

CG: SOMEONE DIES IN THIS STORY, DAVE.

CG: SOMEONE DIES AND I’M A DIRECT CAUSE OF IT.

TG: oh

CG: SHIT.

CG: SORRY.

CG: I KNOW YOU FUCKING HATE THIS KINDA THING. I SHOULDN’T HAVE BROUGHT IT UP IN THE FIRST PLACE.

CG: WE CAN BE DONE WITH THIS FOR TONIGHT, OR EVEN FOREVER, IF YOU WANT?

CG: REALLY.

TG: …

TG: no

CG: WHAT?

TG: no i still want to hear about this

TG: scratch that i NEED to hear about this

TG: look karkat your species ridiculous propensity for bloodbath aside i seriously doubt you would ever willingly kill someone for the sole sake of killing them

TG: and if ive got that wrong then were gonna have a serious fucking problem on our hands but im willing to bet everything that i have that you did whatever the hell you did either because you had to or because you thought it was the right thing to do

CG: I DIDN’T KILL HER BECAUSE I WANTED TO. BUT I DIDN’T *HAVE* TO DO IT EITHER. NOT REALLY.

CG: I COULD’VE JUST LET HER DIE ON HER OWN. BUT I DIDN’T WANT TO DO THAT, EITHER.

TG: you do realize the more you tell me out of context the worse it sounds right

CG: FUCK.

CG: SERIOUSLY. FUCK ME RIGHT IN THE SNORT BARRELS.

TG: how about instead of that you just go ahead and tell this story

TG: asap

TG: because the suspense is killing me rn and not in a good way

CG: ARE YOU SURE?

TG: as sure as ill ever be

CG: STOP ME THE SECOND IT BECOMES TOO MUCH, OR YOU STOP WANTING THIS.

TG: i will

CG: I’M SERIOUS, DAVE.

TG: im serious too

CG: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, NO MATTER HOW DIRE OR SHITTY, FEEL OBLIGATED TO SHOULDER MY HORRENDOUS PERSONAL BAGGAGE.

CG: YOU’VE DONE SO MUCH FOR ME ALREADY. YOU *DO* SO MUCH FOR ME ALREADY, FUCK.

CG: YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS TOO.

TG: i know

TG: now cmon man hurry up before i start coming to my own grisly conclusions

TG: i really dont wanna do that

CG: …

CG: WHEN I WAS FIVE AND A HALF, ONE OF MY NEIGHBOR’S HIVES GOT BROKEN INTO.

CG: I DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE UNTIL I HEARD HER SCREAMING AND SAW THAT HER FRONT DOOR WAS WIDE OPEN. THE INTRUDER’S LUSUS WAS MUNCHING ON THE GRASS OF HER LAWN RING.

CG: SHE FLARPED, I THINK? I USED TO SEE HER HEADING BACK INTO HER HIVE AT DAYBREAK IN THIS RIDICULOUS FUCKING COSTUME SOMETIMES. SHE PROBABLY GOT INTO A BLOOD FEUD OR SOMETHING, FUCK IF I KNOW. I STAYED OUT OF SUICIDAL WRIGGLER GAMES FOR A REASON.

TG: tz told me she used to play those with vriska

TG: im guessing the larp part stands for live action rping but what does the f stand for

TG: i never got around to asking her

CG: FATAL.

TG: oh shit

CG: YEAH. I KNOW.

CG: ANWYAYS, WHATEVER HE CAME FOR, HE LEFT A LITTLE WHILE LATER. IT COULDN’T HAVE BEEN MORE THAN TEN MINUTES. BATSHIT FUCKER HOPPED RIGHT ON HIS EQUALLY BATSHIT LUSUS AND RODE OFF WEARING MY NEIGHBOR’S BLOOD ON HIS SLEEVES LIKE IT WAS GRUBSAUCE.

TG: jesus christ

CG: I STAYED INSIDE, SICKLE IN HAND, AND WAITED WITH DAD DOWNSTAIRS BY THE FRONT DOOR JUST IN CASE THE ASSHOLE TRIED TO HIT UP MY HIVE NEXT, BUT HE DIDN’T COME BACK. SO I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE UNFORTUNATE END OF THAT, YOU KNOW?

CG: BUT IT WASN’T. MY NEIGHBOR WASN’T DEAD YET.

CG: SHE KEPT WAILING. IT WOULD BE DEATHLY FUCKING SILENT FOR A WHILE AND I’D THINK SHE WAS DEAD, BUT THEN TEN MINUTES LATER SHE’D LET OUT ANOTHER HORRIBLE FUCKING CATERWAUL AND IT JUST KEPT *HAPPENING.*

CG: AFTER A WHILE I REALIZED NO ONE WAS COMING. MINE WAS THE ONLY OCCUPIED HIVE WITHIN PLAUSIBLE WALKING DISTANCE, AND OUR OTHER TWO NEIGHBORS HAD HOLED THEMSELVES UP THE MINUTE THEY HEARD THE SCREAMING.

CG: BUT I COULDN’T FUCKING TAKE IT. LISTENING TO HER EXPIRE AT AN AGONIZING SLOW AND VOCAL PACE.

CG: I KEPT THINKING ABOUT HOW I WOULD HAVE WANTED HER TO COME AND PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY, IF I WAS IN HER POSITION. *WHEN* I INEVITABLY FOUND MYSELF IN HER POSITION.

CG: I WANTED TO HELP HER. FUCK, I WAS STILL FROTHING AT THE FLAP WITH ALL MY STUPID ILLUSIONS OF LEADERLY GRANDEUR AT THE TIME, SO I MANAGED TO CONVINCE MYSELF THAT I *COULD* HELP HER. THAT MAYBE SHE DIDN’T EVEN NEED TO BE PUT DOWN AT ALL, AND I COULD PATCH HER UP BACK AT MY HIVE, MAYBE.

CG: SO I BROUGHT MY DAD WITH ME TO HER HIVE AND WENT INSIDE.

TG: fuck

CG: DAVE?

CG: SHIT.

CG: DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP. I CAN STOP.

TG: uh

CG: BECAUSE I CAN STOP RIGHT NOW! SERIOUSLY!

TG: tbh i think not knowing how this ends is going to bug me even more than knowing

TG: and this is something youve obviously needed to hash out for fucking ever

CG: HOW MUCH I NEED TO HASH THIS OUT DOESN’T COUNT FOR SHIT.

CG: IF YOU WANT ME TO SHUT MY FLAP, DAVE, I’LL SHUT IT IMMEDIATELY. AND DON’T EVEN THINK OF FEELING GUILTY ABOUT WANTING THAT.

CG: I’VE KEPT THIS TO MYSELF FOR OVER A SWEEP NOW AND KEEPING THE REMAINING HALF OF IT TO MYSELF WON’T BE A BIG DEAL.

CG: YOU LET ME DUMP SO MUCH ON YOU ALREADY. THERE’S MORE THAN ENOUGH ROOM IN MY ANGUISH BLADDER NOW TO HOLD HALF A SOB STORY, TRUST ME.

TG: no i

TG: i wanna hear how this ends

TG: keep going?

TG: please

CG: IF…

CG: IF YOU’RE SURE YOU WANT ME TO, I WILL.

CG: I’M SPARING YOU ALL OF THE GORY DETAILS, THOUGH. I REALLY DON’T WANT TO REVISIT THEM AND I DON’T THINK YOU DO EITHER.

TG: i really dont yeah

TG: thanks

CG: SAYING “NO PROBLEM” WOULD BE THE BIGGEST UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE SWEEP.

CG: STOP ME IF IT’S TOO MUCH, OKAY? PROMISE ME YOU WILL.

TG: i promise

TG: ive got our safeword copied and ready for pasting and everything man so just let it rip

CG: …

CG: I FOUND HER IN HER NUTRITION BLOCK. THE PLACE LOOKED LIKE AN ABATTOIR.

CG: IT WAS HORRIBLE. IT WAS SO HORRIBLE, FUCK.

CG: SHE WASN’T SCARED WHEN SHE SAW ME. SHE LOOKED RELIEVED, MOSTLY. MORE THAN A LITTLE DESPERATE.

CG: SHE KEPT BEGGING ME TO DO IT, TO KILL HER. BEFORE HER MOIRAIL CAME AND HAD TO DO IT INSTEAD. BEFORE THE UNDEAD STARTED CRAWLING INTO HER OPEN HIVE TO FINISH THE JOB INSTEAD OF ME. THE FRONT DOOR WAS BEYOND REPAIR.

CG: IT WAS ALMOST SUNRISE. WE ONLY HAD AN HOUR BEFORE THEY, OR SOMEONE’S LUSUS, OR SOMETHING ELSE EQUALLY FUCKING PREDATORY CAUGHT A WHIFF OF THE BLOOD AND INVITED THEMSELVES INSIDE.

CG: ENDING HER WOULD’VE BEEN DOING HER A FAVOR. I KEPT TELLING MYSELF THAT. *SHE* KEPT TELLING ME THAT.

CG: I

CG: I COULDN’T DO IT.

CG: I TOLD HER SORRY AND MADE MY LUSUS END HER FOR ME AND THEN I STAGGERED OUTSIDE AND PUKED ON HER LAWN RING THREE TIMES ON THE WAY BACK TO MY HIVE.

CG: I COULDN’T EXTEND HER THE FULL COURTESY *I* WANTED FOR MY *OWN* PROBABLE FUTURE. I COULDN’T HANDLE EVEN THE PALTRY HALF-COURTESY I *DID* EXTEND.

CG: WHAT KIND OF SHITTY, USELESS EXCUSE FOR A TROLL CAN’T EVEN CARRY OUT A GODDAMN MERCY CULL?

TG: …

TG: ……

TG: one im happy to be dating?

TG: maybe its the fact that im a soft squishy nonconfrontational human but hearing that you couldnt bring yourself to kill her

TG: well to say i find that immensely reassuring would be the *real* biggest understatement of the sweep not that i ever really felt unsafe with you in the first place

TG: hearing that you couldnt kill anyone even when pushed raised and present in what sounds like the ideal societal context just goes to reinforce the fact that youve got good in you as cheesy as that probably sounds

CG: LOOK, DAVE, I APPRECIATE IT, I REALLY FUCKING DO.

CG: BUT MY REASONS FOR GOING IN THERE WERE SELFISH.

CG: I BARGED IN THERE FULLY INTENDING TO VALIDATE MY OWN SELF-AGGRANDIZING, AUTHORITY COMPLEX BULLSHIT.

CG: AND THEN I FAILED TO DO EVEN *THAT.*

TG: man i say this in the most loving way possible

TG: but thats complete horseshit

TG: you pumped yourself up in order to enter a dangerous situation to help someone no one else was willing to help and in the process had a normal reaction to a request that would make literally any adult let alone a fucking kid shit their pants

TG: but in the end you still somehow managed to help her

TG: and that to me is infinitely more admirable than adhering to your shitty dead planets null toxic and frankly terrifying ideals

TG: dont get me wrong the fact that this even happened to you in the first place is irrefutably fucked up but to me it really looks like you did the best thing you could

CG: REALLY?

TG: really

CG: YOU DON’T HAVE TO SAY THAT TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.

TG: need i remind you of rule #2 of the bro code

CG: DAVE.

TG: cmon man say it with me here

CG: FINE! KEEP IT REAL!

CG: RULE #2 OF THE BRO CODE IS TO ALWAYS KEEP IT REAL! TRUE BROS ALWAYS KEEP IT *REAL!*

TG: there it is

TG: see dude im not just lying to make you feel better

TG: if i was id be breaking the bro code and you know id never do that

CG: FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME SAY THAT ALOUD LIKE A BARKBEAST PERFORMING A TRICK.

TG: yeah but you feel a little better now right

CG: …

CG: I DO.

TG: see

TG: and maybe you are a shitty excuse for a troll and maybe its hells of xenophobic for me to say but i think that you being a bad troll just proves again that youre good and kind and morally upright on a deep and fundamental level

TG: and on a more selfish note also proves youre absolutely safe to be around which means a metric shit ton to me tbh

TG: and even though this was kinda hard to hear dude im really glad you told me about this

CG: I’M… REALLY GLAD I TOLD YOU TOO.

CG: THANKS, DAVE. REALLY.

CG: THANKS.

TG: youre welcome

TG: that being said while im totally down with hearing more about this i think maybe we should save the other stuff for another time

TG: because you were right this is definitely some pretty heavy shit and i think i need a little time to process this

TG: really churn it through my brain until its fully integrated and flowing smooth as butter in there along with the rest of my thoughts

TG: smoother and lighter than butter even

TG: like i cant believe its not butter

TG: except instead the label reads i cant believe its not trauma

CG: THAT’S FINE! MORE THAN FINE, ACTUALLY.

CG: SO DO YOU WANT TO BE DONE COMPLETELY FOR TONIGHT, THEN? OR ARE YOU JUST DONE WITH THE ALTERNIAN STORIES?

TG: if youve got some lighter or funnier stuff to share thatd be cool

CG: OH.

CG: I HAVE A COUPLE OF THOSE STORED UP SOMEWHERE. GIVE ME A SECOND.

CG: FUCK, OKAY…

CG: HERE’S ONE:

CG: I REALLY LIKE YOUR BODY HAIR.

CG: IS THAT WEIRD?

TG: uh

TG: its pretty weird yeah

CG: SHIT.

TG: not that im complaining about getting a free pass to be a hairy ape for the rest of my life but i figured you thought it was gross

TG: especially since youre hairless except for your head like some kind of alien barbie

CG: WHAT’S A BARBIE?

TG: irrelevant to this conversation mostly

TG: i gotta ask though

TG: is there like a specific patch of hair that youre especially into or do you just dig my mammal fuzz indiscriminately

CG: UH, I LIKE THE PATCH ON YOUR STOMACH. IT’S CUTE.

TG: well im glad my happy trails living up to its namesake

TG: good to know its useful for something other than horrifying kanaya when i stretch my arms over my head in the common room and accidentally flash her a sneak peak of my abs

CG: ALL OF YOUR FUR IS NICE, EXCEPT THE PATCH ON YOUR FACE THAT GROWS IN ALL PRICKLY.

CG: IT FEELS LIKE RUBBING MY FACE AGAINST AN AMOROUS CACTUS.

TG: while were on this topic i gotta say i like how you dont have any body hair

TG: youre all soft and smooth and feel nice under my hands

TG: haha man that was the gayest thing i think ive ever said

CG: OH. WOW, UH. I’M GLAD?

CG: NOT ABOUT THE GAY THING, THAT WAS JUST OBNOXIOUS. I MEANT THE YOU-LIKING-HOW-I-FEEL THING.

TG: yeah i figured

TG: hey wanna do a secret sharing lightning round

CG: WHAT, LIKE SPEWING THEM IN RAPID SUCCESSION?

TG: uh huh

TG: itll be rapid fire

TG: well take turns and save reactions for the very end

TG: that way well achieve maximum disclosure

TG: itll be fun efficient and mutually enlightening

TG: also im starting to get sleepy again but i dont wanna throw in the towel just yet and this seems like a fitting compromise

CG: SOUNDS GOOD.

CG: ALSO WORRYINGLY PSYCHOLOGICALLY REVEALING. BUT THAT’S NORMAL FOR ONE OF OUR CONVERSATIONS, UNFORTUNATELY.

CG: WANT ME TO START?

TG: naw ill go first

TG: you ready?

CG: YEAH.

TG: alright buckle in bro cause here i go

TG: the last time i slept over in your block i accidentally used your toothbrush instead of mine and i didnt know what to do so i just put it back and pretended nothing happened

CG: YOUR NATURAL SCENT IS FUCKING *FANTASTIC* BUT I STILL DON’T KNOW IF YOU CAN SMELL MATING PHEROMONES TO THE DEGREE THAT I CAN, AND AT THIS POINT I’M TOO EMBARRASSED TO ASK.

TG: i way prefer being the little spoon

CG: SOMETIMES I LOOK AT YOU AND CATCH MYSELF SERIOUSLY ENTERTAINING THE IDEA OF SERENDIPITY AGAIN, DESPITE NOW KNOWING IT’S VAPID, IRRELEVANT BULLSHIT, AND THAT EXCITES ME AS MUCH AS IT TERRIFIES ME.

TG: i like how loud and expressive you are because its the opposite of how my bro was

CG: LAST PERIGEE, I WOKE UP AT AN UNGODLY HOUR TO TAKE A PISS, GRABBED YOUR SHIRT OFF THE FLOOR THINKING IT WAS MINE, AND WORE IT OVER MY BOXERS LIKE AN OBLIVIOUS, OBTUSE IDIOT ALL THE WAY TO THE ABLUTION BLOCK BEFORE I FINALLY FUCKING NOTICED. ON MY WAY BACK, I HEARD TEREZI COMING, PANICKED BECAUSE I KNEW SHE WOULD RECOGNIZE THE SHIRT AS YOURS AND, IN A MOMENT OF OUTSTANDING, DESPERATE, PAN-BOGGLING STUPIDITY, TOOK YOUR SHIRT OFF, SCRUNCHED IT UP INTO A LITTLE BALL, STUFFED IT INTO MY FUCKING *MOUTH* AND SPRINTED PAST HER AND THE *REST* OF THE WAY TO YOUR BLOCK IN PURE, UNADULTERATED, PRACTICALLY-NAKED PANIC.

TG: your laptop gives me a seriously sicknasty case of the heebie jeebies and i really wish it didnt have legs

CG: I MADE OUT WITH DOOMED VERSIONS OF MYSELF IN THE DREAM BUBBLES ON NOT ONE, NOT TWO, BUT *THREE* SEPARATE, DECREPIT OCCASIONS BEFORE WE STARTED DATING.

TG: after you fell asleep after our first time i silently bawled my motherfucking eyes out because i couldnt believe something so good was actually happening to me and thinking about how worried you would be if you woke up to me crying just made me bawl even harder because no one had ever cared about me like that before

CG: I HAD A NIGHTMARE ONCE THAT I ACCIDENTALLY BIT YOUR DICK OFF AND I WOKE UP CRYING.

TG: i think im in love with you

CG: OH.

TG: oh

TG: oh fuck sorry i didnt mean to make this weird or anything

TG: sorry

TG: i was a little too wrapped up in our little lightning round and it just kinda slipped out

CG: DAVE.

TG: my thought process for that was basically just me directing my dumbass thoughts inward to ask myself if there was anything i havent told you yet considering how ive pretty much vomited my entire prefrontal cortex on you for the past two and a half years

TG: and my brain replied hey man you havent told him how youre like 99% sure youre in actual real love with him yet like why havent you told him that

CG: DAVE.

TG: and i was like ok yeah brain thats true but i was gonna be legit cool about it for once and say it for the first time in appropriately romantic context since i know he gobbles up ambience like hes starving for it and lets face it since hes with me he probably is

TG: plus i wasnt sure if that was even a good idea in the first fucking place because i wanted to be 100% genuine and say it au natural to make sure i really meant it and making actual plans to say it would kinda maybe ruin that

TG: and my brain just went hmm ok those are all good points but consider this

TG: fuck you

TG: and went and made me blurt it out anyways which really isnt anything new at this point but still isnt cool at all like seriously what the fuck i had preventative measures in place for once and everything

CG: DAVE!

TG: fuck

TG: sorry

CG: STOP APOLOGIZING.

CG: I LOVE YOU TOO.

TG: oh

CG: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, FUCK.

CG: AND I WANT TO TELL YOU THAT IN PERSON, IF THAT’S OKAY.

CG: CAN I COME OVER?

TG: the answer to thats always gonna be yes but tonight its extra yes

CG: <3

TG: <3 <3

CG: SHOW OFF.

--carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]--