You shouldn't deserve him.
After everything you'd done, how could you? You’re not good enough to be greeted by his enthralling smile and glittering eyes. You aren't worthy of his worried looks, caressing your gathered injuries from a mission. You shouldn’t have the right to his sweet, careful kisses planted in the valley of your neck.
You shouldn’t deserve to call him yours.
You don't deserve to call him yours.
So why does he stay?
You know you don't deserve to be loved, not by him. Yet, you don't want to let him go.
Every fond smile he serves you only gives you the taste of a bad memory. Of mocking jeers and scornful taunts, slapped into his face by you. Every time he looks at you with those concerned eyes you feel rage. Not directed at him, (not as it once was). You're furious at yourself for taking that care for granted all your life, never once returning the gesture. Every soft contact from his lips is gentle but your mind is screaming no stop stop it please i dont-i cant-you-stop being so fucking kind to me!!
But despite what your brain tells you, you just can't, can't walk away. Not from this enchanting boy who somehow tends to you, who cherishes you, who lo-
Ah. That’s just it, isn't it? He loves you. Despite everything. You can't wrap your head around it.
But what you do understand is that you need that love; crave it, even.
You adore the shape of his hand fitted against yours. You treasure his smile-printed kisses on your cheek. You love his shy voice asking bold questions of 'is this okay' or 'can I touch you here' kept away in the tender dark of your room.
You love him. And it scares you to death.
It scares you how you love this boy so much that your self-control - your barrier designed to keep people from getting too close - just vanishes. You lose the ability to walk away. When he calls out 'Kacchan' your heart and mind stop short only to whir back in sync to tell you how far gone you are. It scares you that this boy could predict every plan you have laid, unravel every defense you have built, peer into every tortured corner of your being-
-and you would let him.
Actions speak louder than words, but does that really still apply in this situation? Too many apologies nearly started, only to be retracted back into your mouth. And the rare ones that do make it out are instantly subdued by a hushing 'it's okay' and a soothing touch.
But it's not okay.
How can it be when you have him in your arms, this boy who you've hurt over and over again? He deserves more than hastily mumbled apologies. He deserves more than your love. He deserves so much more than you could ever give him.
(you want to stand, but how can you when the one you love is the object of your destruction?)