“Gotta problem with that, Barnes?”
“Who can have a problem with Hawaii? Unless you’re sendin’ us to the top of a fuckin’ volcano and you expect Spangle Drawers over there to take a flyin’ leap into the lava.”
“Buck,” the Spangle-Drawered one admonished with a fond arch of his eyebrow.
“No volcanoes, no lava. Got a situation. Needs a delicate touch.”
Bucky snorted. “And yer sendin’ us? Him?”
“Buck!” Spangles cried, scandalized.
Fury lifted his one good eyebrow and stared balefully at Bucky. At least, Bucky thought it was baleful – it was hard to tell with only one eye to go by. “Think you’re funny, Barnes?”
“Funnier than him,” he hooked a thumb toward the frowning face of tall, blond, and spangled.
“Buck,” he who was spangled growled, crossing tree-trunk sized arms across his America-the-Beautiful chest.
“See what I mean?”
“Buck …” the one previously known as Star Spangled Man with a Plan warned in his “Captain America is disappointed in you”TM voice, eyebrows furrowed and lower lip stuck out like he was gonna break out the pouts any second now. Bucky resolutely ignored the twitch he felt in his shorts right about then. It was something he was sadly accustomed to now after years back living with Blond, Buff, and Blind over there.
“Yeah, keep thinkin’ that, Barnes. Wouldn’t book your comedy tour just yet. But here are your tickets for Honolulu. Plan at least two weeks. You’ll do a puddle jumper to the big island, see where the mission leads you. You’ll have a SHIELD agent who’ll help you arrange transport if you need to move around the islands. He’s my eyes and ears on the ground, so don’t fuck this up. Wheels up oh-eight-thirty. Think you can get your leather-clad ass in gear enough to meet that plane? And his star-spangled butt?” Fury hooked a thumb toward where the object of Bucky’s every secret wet dream did not glance surreptitiously toward his own ass.
“Yeah, what the fuck,” Bucky capitulated, snatching the tickets from Fury’s hand. Hey, not bad – first class on a non-stop on a brand-name airline. Could be a whole helluva lot worse. Could be a cargo flight dropping off supplies at every Podunk SHIELD base in the heartland. But there were some details missing. “Hotel? Car? Per diem?”
“See Hill on your way out. She’s got everything else you’ll need. Your liaison will take care of anything you need outside of that. You’re on expense – don’t buy the whole fuckin’ state, Barnes. This isn’t a Stark expedition. Now go.”
“Um, Nick?” Starry and Spangled asked, literally raising his hand for attention.
Bucky would sneer at the sheer cheesiness of it, if he weren’t so focused on keeping the aforementioned twitching under control and under the radar.
Again with the possibly baleful eyebrow! Fury leaned back in his chair, and prompted, “Yes, Captain?”
“Hill’ll upload it to your tablets so you can review en route. Now if you gentlemen – and I use that term beyond loosely – will excuse me, I’ve got an agency to run.”
With patriotic eagerness, his Spangleness practically tripped over his own feet on his way out the door to get the goods from Hill. As Bucky followed at a more sedate pace – due to see above – Nick called out to him.
“And Barnes? Next time, leave the friggin’ squirrel out of your goddamn pants. Or take care of it before you come into my office. Goddamn it, son, there are some things a man can’t unsee, even if he’s got only one good eye.”
Technically, Bucky should feel embarrassed, but honestly, he really didn’t have any fucks to give in this situation. Instead, he grinned ferally at Fury and asked, “Have you seen him, sir?”
Fury snorted. Heterosexual or not, anyone who saw Steve “Captain America is done with your shit” Rogers had to admit the boy was a walking fantasy. “Have you told him how you feel, Barnes?”
Well, that was just playing dirty. “Um, no.”
“Yeah, might wanna think about doin’ somethin’ about that. You’ll have at least ten hours in the air on the first leg to contemplate his navel, or any other goddamn body part that does it for you, Barnes. I’m sick of your pinin’ white ass draggin’ around my agency. Get it together, man – you’re supposed to be a world class assassin, for fuck’s sake. Friggin’ stop acting like a lovestruck tween and go get your man.”
Oh shit. Even Fury shipped them.
Yeah, Buck was gonna have to figure this out. Or maybe that lava spewing volcano was looking better by the moment. If you’re gonna go, go spectacularly. And it would be a change from trains, snow, and Hydra. He wondered if SHIELD had the technology to activate a dormant volcano as he nodded and backed out of Fury’s office, practically tripping over the primary donor to his spank bank on his way out the door.
“Got the intel and the rest of our arrangements, Buck. Let’s go get packed. I’ve never been to Hawaii – I wonder if we’ll have time to visit the Pearl Harbor Memorial …”
Maria Hill let her eyes rid up from Bucky’s kneecaps to his face and back down again, letting a sly, knowing grin bloom on her face. “Have fun, fellas. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. Or if you do, make sure you eliminate all witnesses and erase all evidence,” she called as she pivoted smartly on her heel and strode back into her office. A last glance over her shoulder at Bucky told him he’d been made by Fury’s second in command, too. And as agents glanced up from their desks as they exited the floor, Bucky had to wonder if there wasn’t an office pool going on the pair of them hooking up.
And he wished.
Didn’t anyone know that Captain “I’m just a kid from Brooklyn” America was straighter than a straight edge?
“I think I’d better get some swim trunks – whaddya think, Buck? Maybe we can learn to surf in between whatever it is we’re gonna be doing …”
Resisting the urge to facepalm into his metal hand – which nearly always gave him a concussion because he wasn’t fucking paying enough attention slamming a registered weapon into his forehead – Bucky just shook his head and followed that little guy from Brooklyn who was too dumb not to run away from a fight. And whose ass looked great in spandex.
Steve, in board shorts? Naked chest covered in droplets of seawater, hanging ten on a board catchin’ the waves?
Yeah, Bucky was so screwed.