I noticed he was upset all day, he tried to keep it a down play his emotions but as the day carried on we could all tell, I think we are now too close for anyone to get away with hiding feelings. The shoot had gone as expected, we had braved the weather to climb to the top of Bukhansan Mountain and taken beautiful pictures (and some very weird ones, thanks to Jongmin and Junho) at the highest peak. It had taken us close to four hours to hike the trail, but it had been worth it. The others had tried to make the trip funny as they always do, as I had watched laughing from the sidelines. Other than the hike being physically tiring, everything seemed quite normal.
I don't know if I was the first to notice the rockers strange behaviour, but I knew that within an hour of knowing something was troubling him, the others started casting nervous looks over to me. We had reached about half way up the climb and was given a few moments to catch our breaths, when the first of the members approached me.
“Hyung can I have a minute?” Taehyun mumbled. We had all sat around a large dead tree, that made a very good shelter from the strong gale but I knew it wouldn't shelter a conversation that I had the funny feeling would be about a certain maknae. I noticed the others look at us as we walked behind some of the staff members and away from the group to talk.
“What's wrong Taehyun? Are you hurting anywhere?” I asked. When I looked at him more closely I noticed the distressed expression, that was painted on his face as clear as day.
“Do you know what the matter is with Joon Youngie? He is never like this, he gets quiet sometimes but not this much. I'm sure I saw tears in his eyes a few moments ago” He confided, nervously. I didn't know what to say, I know he wanted me to assure him everything was alright, but I felt just as worried as he looked.
“I will talk to him when we get to the rest point OK? For the moment, just act normal and keep an eye on him” He still looked worried but he seemed slightly more relaxed that I had promised to talk to him.
The day went by like that, with each of the members taking me aside and asking me what to do, I honestly didn't know what to say to them so I stuck by the same advice I gave to Taehyun and told all the others to do the same. By the time we had got to the lodge at the top of one of the peaks, my mind was swimming with mixed emotions. I knew I had to be strong and talk to him, for the sake of everyone.
The lodge was truly beautiful, I would have loved to of had the time to observe it and maybe take some pictures (Damn that power blogger maknae, getting me into taking photos everywhere) However I knew I really had to focus. I usually led from the back, that was always more my style, letting the others plan and organise, whilst I just made sure I was there to pick them up if something went wrong, but I knew that it was going to be one of those days that would test my resolve.
“Members, you can go inside and have a rest while we get the equipment set up, it should be all ready in an hour” Yoo Hojin declared as he turned his attention on the large crew walking up the last bit of the incline. Defconn and Jong min had already entered the room by the sounds of it, and they were attacking each other to probably get the best spot. I was really glad of the others, they always made me feel so much more at ease.
“I say we do what we all do best; sleep, snack and get on each others nerves!” Jun ho quipped from under a large blanket he had claimed. Everyone except our maknae laughed at the second eldest antics. We managed to get settled very quickly and I soon noticed that Joon Young and I were the only two left awake. I played with my phone for a while, trying to persuade myself to talk to him, as he sat quietly at the other end of the room, it was only until I watched him get up to go to the toilet that I slowly put down my phone and followed him.
I have loved the kid since I met him, we were so awkward back then, but now he seems like he really relies on me. We seem to have gotten so close in the recent years, and I have noticed that he sticks by my more than the other members, it was really only after meeting his parents that I began to know why. His family was nice, don't get me wrong, but Joon Young never had stability, never had a permanent home, he had told me once about coming to Korea secretly when he was 19 and the fear he had knowing he was all on his own. He had confided in all of us about the problems he had faced, having no money, alone in a foreign place. I honestly couldn't imagine feeling like a stranger in my own home country, it must have been terrifying.
I think it was around that time, that my feelings for him devolved into something more. I had not told anyone what I had thought, knowing that our age difference would be to much for people to comprehend. I was always nervous that he would somehow find out, but I knew if I played it off as being a good and devoted hyung, I could happily get away with it. It had started to get more difficult as we spent more and more time together, but I wasn't about to push anything on him.
I stayed quiet behind the living room wall until I heard him close the heavy bathroom door, I then made my way slowly to the other room. As I approached the bathroom, I heard soft sobs emanating from the small gaps. I had never seen him cry before, if you don't count the crying game of chance of course . I know I needed to find out what was wrong, but I had never had to do this before now, my mind was uneasy, what if he told me to leave, I didn't know what I would do if it came to that. I knew he had always somehow managed to surprise me, but I honestly wasn't sure how this would go. Holding my breath, and silently hoping I could help him, I opened the door and walked to an alarming sight.
The bathroom was small, barely enough room for the toilet, sink and bath and it was all tiled in the same mucky white. The small but lithe figure of my dongsaeng. was squashed next to the bath, he was curled into a ball and was shaking as the sobs racked through his body. I could see that he had his head in his hands and that there was a cigarette perched precariously between his fingers. I cleared my throat and he jumped in fright and tried quickly to dry his tears off his face. He looked up at me with those big, dark eyes, and for a moment, it felt like he was staring into my right into my soul. All my nerves quickly dissipated, as I knew I wanted to help him as much as I could.
I shuffled the few steps over so that I could sit beside him. He moved slightly closer to the bathtub and I sat in the small space next to him. As soon as I had made myself as comfortable as I could on the cold floor, he leant fully into my shoulder, and his tears came back in full force. I wrapped my arm around him and tried my best to console him, as I rested my chin on his hair I breathed in his scent. To me, Joon Young always smelt the same, it was a beautiful mixture of cigarettes, whisky and roses.
It felt like hours before his sobbing slowly turned into quiet sniffling coupled with the occasional hiccup. In hindsight, I should have moved him to somewhere more comfortable than the bathroom floor, but my aching legs were the least of my concern. I still held his head, while making small circles on his back, I was hoping he would soon calm down enough to tell me what was wrong. Suddenly a small whimper and a quiet apologetic voice broke the silence.
“Hyung, I'm so sorry, I couldn't stop crying, I didn't mean to..”
I hushed him as I slowly touched his chin and lifted his face to look at me. It truly was a sorrowful sight. His poor eyes had turned red and puffy, and his face was soaked in tears.
“Maknae, you don't have to be sorry, this is what my job as a hyung is, I'm supposed to look after you. However you do have to tell me what's wrong if you want me to help you” I stared at him with a comfortable smile, and silently hoped he would open up.
“It's nothing hyung, it's really silly, I shouldn't even be crying over it. I'm supposed to be strong, yet here I am crying like a baby, I bet I completely wrecked the shoot.” He sighed heavily as he sat back against the wall. I missed the warmth of his body the moment he moved but I couldn't stop smiling at the cuteness he rarely displayed.
“What good have I done in this world to deserve a cute maknae like you huh? You know, I cry over every little thing, I think that you can cry a few times, besides it's good to let it all out on occasion.” I was really trying to reassure him, he honestly looked like he was going to start crying again and I didn't know if my heart could take another round of that.
“If only my friends could see me now, they would think I am so weak, crying like this over some stupid breakup” For a moment, I had to think about what he had said, he was talking so quietly that, even sitting next to each other, it was still difficult to hear. As soon as I deciphered the mumbled sentence, I started whole heartedly laughing.
“Do you know who many breakups I have had in the past couple of years, or how many I have had in my life? You have to think of them as a learning experience, try and understand what mistakes were made, and remember them for next time, and of course you are going to cry, I would think that you wasn't human if you didn't!” He looked at me bewildered. I could sense his anger building up, and I quickly released that I had said the wrong thing.
“You honestly think that hyung? I don't know if I can ever get over this person, I adored him with all my heart, I thought we were meant to be together!” He snapped loudly at me. I could feel my eyes start bulging out of my skull, did he say what I thought he had said? My mind raced with this new information. He was gay? I don't know what emotion I was feeling the most! Happiness and elation over the fact that I might actually have a chance, or sadness and sorrow that he had never told us.
As I was too busy processing this new knowledge, he had stopped suddenly in his tracks and gone deadly silent, as he slowly grasped what he had said. I think if I hadn't have been sat blocking the only way out of the small room, he would have run out of the door before I could say anything to him. He was on his knees in a submissive pose quicker than I could react.
“Hyung please don't hate me!” He bawled.
“Hyung, honestly I can't change the way I am, believe me I have tried! Please don't hate me, I couldn't live with myself if you did, I can live with no one loving me, I can live with being alone, but I can't lose you and the other hyungs, please!”
I was astonished at what he was saying, how could he think that no one loves him? How could he think we would hate him for being gay? I could see his bloodshot eyes staring at me through his long eyelashes. I knew he was waiting for an answer, but I honestly had no answer for him, other than to continue starring into his eyes, with my mouth agape.
He looked so distressed, that I knew I had to do something, so I did the first thing that came into my mind and pulled him into my embrace. I heard him gasp as I held him, but I ignored it, I just knew I had to make him understand how much I cared about him.
“Hyung, does this mean you don't hate me?” He whispered into my ear. I pulled him back to look at me but I still kept my grip on his small shoulders.
“Of course I don't hate you. How could you think that you silly child!” As I spoke I noticed he relaxed a little bit and a moment later he gave me the first smile I had seen him pull today.
“Honestly hyung, if you don't want me to be around you or anything I understand. It's just that you guys have always made me feel so excepted, even when you didn't know a thing about me”
“I want you around maknae, I always do. You, like the others, got me through so much this year, I had no idea that I needed to have this much closeness with friends to make me feel so much better” He should have known how much all of them had helped me, the got me through my mothers death, and the changes that had been going on in these past few months. I had thought I had made sure to tell them all how much they meant to me, but I guess that our maknae needed to be told it a lot more. I made a mental note to tell the other members that the should shower him with affection for a while, even if he got embarrassed by it.
He gave me another breathtaking smile, and completely opened up about what had been going on. I sat and listened to him talk for ten minutes as he spoke to me about his friend, who he had been dating for a while, he said that they had spilt up last night after a particularly vicious argument about him spending too much time with his band and filming and not enough time with his partner. I am glad he didn't mention the name of the man to me, as I wouldn't of been able to have kept it quiet from the others, and then I knew they would attempt to pay this ex boyfriend a visit.
There was tears reforming in his eyes as he spoke of the argument, of all the names and insults that had been swapped, and of how they had left things. He said he had walked out of his friends apartment and just wandered around Seoul at 2 in the morning. I could see know his black circles had become darker than the last time I had visited him.
“Hyung, I'm just so worried, nobody will want me now, he was the only one who I liked, who could put up with my crazy!” He cried
“Joon Young, there are lots of people who would want you, there are also lots of people of love you because of your crazy ways! You have so much going for you” He looked at me sullenly,
“How would possibly want a guy who drinks to much, parties until the morning, knows nothing about his home country and spends most of his days gaming!” He was pretty much yelling by that point and I quickly decided that enough was enough, and before he could even stop talking, I lifted his face up to mine and crushed our lips together.
The feeling of his soft lips overwhelmed me. I could feel him tense up as I slowly moved him closer to deepen the kiss. I needed him to know how much I loved him, I had waited so long to kiss his lips that I didn't even care that our teeth were clacking together at the force of the kiss. He slowly started to relax and he began kissing back. I could feel his hands gripping the back of my shirt, as he wrapped his arms around my body.
Too soon, I knew I needed to catch my breath, damn those cigarettes. I gently pulled away from the flustered maknae, as I stared deeply into his eyes. As soon as I did though, I came crashing back down to earth. I didn't even know if he wanted this, horrified, I started to run through all the consequences of my actions, I had just made out with our youngest member, the same youngest member that had, just moments ago, been sobbing his eyes out over some other man. I dreaded the thought of any of the other members finding out about this, I knew if they did I would soon have another nickname to add to my growing list, pervert!
The slim figure in front of me looked almost dejected, as I took note of his appearance I saw that his silky black hair that was usually so carefully styled was now flattened to his forehead and his tight black and red clothes look extremely dishevelled.
“Hyung, why did you do that?” He whispered.
“I'm truly sorry Joon Youngie, hyung is really, really sorry, I should not have down that without asking your permission, I don't know what came over me!” Nearly hyperventilating, I quickly moved to stand up. Suddenly, a long hand grabbed my arm, and forcefully pulled me back down, I had forgotten how much strength he had in his arms, that guitar playing must really be helping his strength. Before I caught on to what was happening, I had a lap full of Joon Young. His legs were wrapped around my hips, and he was sat right on top of my slowly hardening length. I knew this would mean trouble, but I could never so no to my youngest, cutest dongsaeng.
“Kiss me again, please. I need it hyung, I need you” He panted and quickly latched onto my mouth. I could feel him hungrily nipping at my lips, as his hands raked through my hair. All of my senses swam as I felt his tongue slip past my reddened lips. I knew now at least I didn't have to be sorry as I kissed him with all my might. I growled as raw instinct and lust took other, I was damned if I was going to let him take control over this, I have lost to him on so many other occasions I wasn't about to lose to him now. He let out an unmanly squeal as I flipped him onto his back, grabbed at his thin hips and pushed my tongue into his opened mouth. We explored each others bodies with our restless hands as we kissed until I could feel him gasping for air, I swapped from assaulting his mouth to peppering kisses all over his neck and shoulders, the feeling was so intense I never wanted it to end. He arched his head back to give me more room as we breathed in each others scent. I sucked hard down onto his neck as I started to hear small moans of satisfaction fill what little air there was between us.
We began to come back to our senses, and my kisses became softer, as he wrapped his self into my body. Comfortable silence engulfed us as we lay on the floor, both still breathing heavily. It was a few moments before either of us spoke.
“Hyung, as much as I want to continue, I can't really breath under you at the moment, and the tiles are freezing” He muttered. I laughed softly as I sat up and pulled him back into my lap.
“Listen to me Joon Youngie, OK?” I waited until I saw a small nod from him “I don't want to hear you saying no one loves you again, ever. Do you understand?” He leant into my shoulder and hummed out an answer
“Of course hyung, I understand”
“ I, for one, love you dearly, even though I have no idea if this will work or if you even want this.” His eyes looked up into mine, and for a moment, all I could see was pain and remorse etched into his face. It only lasted a second but I knew he was worried about what was to come.
“Do you want to continue this relationship like this? Because one word from you and we can agree to never speak of this again?” Hope was slightly hidden in my voice as I watched the emotions play out in his eyes. Finally he gave me an answer.
“Yes, Hyung, I really do”