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Haggis from Algernon

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Monday 3rd February

Fell asleep in History of Magic. Again. Not really noteworthy except apparently I missed Padfoot Levitate some kippers from breakfast to float over Binns’ head. Wormtail jerked awake from a nightmare (or so he claims), and as he was sitting next to Sirius, Padfoot was startled. Binns was unhappy, to say the least, when the kippers fell right through him. It was dead funny, I expect. I only woke up when Padfoot prodded me in the side because Binns was floating around looking for the culprit. It’s what mates are for, I suppose.

I lost my favorite quill. For some reason I think Helena Hodge has stolen it. This may have to do with the supposed lovestruck looks she was shooting me during Astronomy. Wormtail swears she was using her telescope to check out my arse. He kept on about it loudly in the common room until I threatened to send Algernon after him the next time he transforms.

---

I lost concentration in History of Magic again. Professor Binns was covering the Great Dragon Incident of 1811 but I was too busy trying to prevent Black from dropping kippers on Tilden Toots’ head to listen to him. Binns gave us an essay to write on the subject titled ‘Discuss the events preceding and following the GDI of 1811 and how they contributed to the unfortunate murder of Ross McFusty.’ so I’ll have to go to the library tomorrow. I don’t even know what species of dragon was involved, and I’ve lost Fantastic Beasts, so I should get that book too. We’re supposed to carry Fantastic Beasts around with us at all times, according to Madame Pince. Just in case somebody picks up a cloak and it turns out to be a Lethifold, or something.

Potter looks nice today.

Helena Hodge keeps throwing sweet wrappers and quill ends at me in the corridors, I don’t know what I’m supposed to have done to irritate her. I might talk to her about it tomorrow morning during Herbology, she sits behind me and I really don’t want to get Spitting Chrysanthemum juice in my hair again. I can’t think of what I could have done.

I’m going to get started on my Transfig homework now. Bloody frogs.

Tuesday 4th February

Evans is brilliant, and I mean that in more than one way. One of the Spitting Chrysanthemums managed to get some of its saliva on her finger. According to Oswald Fitz, it hadn’t been properly subdued or something. Evans’ nail started dissolving on the spot. It smelled something awful. She grabbed her wand and fixed it. Later her partner Wendy cracked a nail on the table and wouldn’t stop moaning about it for the rest of the class, the tosspot. Evans barely cried out when her nail disappeared, and Wendy wouldn’t shut it about a bloody chip. Sirius and I were so annoyed that we sent a Tripping Jinx her way on our way out the door. It would’ve hit, too, if Evans hadn’t made her turn around by calling her name. We would’ve stayed and tried again, but it would’ve been suspicious. Missed opportunity.

Algernon sicked up under my bed. Moony and I discussed what we could do with it during breakfast, but by the time I’d run up to preserve it after lunch, the house-elves had already got to it. Another wasted opportunity.

On the plus side, I trounced the rest of the class during Transfiguration today. I am amazing.

---

So I asked Helena Hodge what her problem was in Herbology today and she wouldn’t tell me, but I suspect that Potter and Black might have told her lies about me or something, because she went really red and stared over in their direction. Then if that wasn’t enough, she purposely knocked into me during class and spilled Chrysanthemum saliva on my finger. It burned my nail right off. Stupid cow. I don’t know what Potter and Black are doing, but I will get to the bottom of it. Re-growing nails is not exactly fun. I got a bit annoyed with Wendy, though, because she broke her nail a little later and she wouldn’t stop moaning about it.

Robert Caulfield kept tripping over on the way to lunch today, it was weird. And I got an O on my Transfiguration essay! Huzzah! It was a double victory for me because Potter forgot to hand in his homework and McGonagall gave him a detention, but he acted as though this made him a bloody hero or something. He thinks that he’s great because he’s the only one in our class who can turn his sparrow into a birdhouse.

Speaking of Potter, he just walked past me, smelling of cat sick….

I don’t even want to know.

Wednesday 5th February

I woke up to the scent of cat vomit again. This time I wasted no time in spelling it into a container. Perfect timing, too, as we had Potions today with the Slytherins. It took some practice before class, and several near-misses, but we used a Switching Spell to get the cat sick in Snivellus’s cauldron right after he finished his Mumbling Mixture. Wormtail was on distraction duty with Sluggy. He did poorly enough on his last essay where Slughorn didn’t find it all unusual for Peter to give him a box of crystallized pineapple. Snape was dead furious when he turned back from consulting with Evans. (She’s twice as good as Potions as he’ll ever be.) I expect his cauldron will reek until at least the end of the month – we spelled the vomit with a Stench Enhancer.

In addition to the vomiting, Algernon has been lazing about more than usual. I should talk to professor Kettleburn tomorrow.

Full moon tomorrow, as well. I hope we can find that grove again so we can investigate the hole in that oak tree. Might be a good hiding place.

---

My shoes have gone missing! Seriously, I left them by the fire just a minute ago when I ran upstairs to get this diary, and now they’re gone, so much for honor among housemates. I would get up and look for them, but I will not give the thief the satisfaction of knowing that I’m bothered. It’s not like somebody mistakenly picked them up either, who else has shoes with bright color-changing stars charmed on the side of them? No, no, no, they were stolen.

Potter and his cronies put cat vomit into Severus Snape’s cauldron today. I was somewhat glad, because he’d tapped me on the shoulder to ask me a question about antidotes and although I’ll help him if he needs it, I want to avoid talking to him if I can. Still, that was really mean of Potter, and I’m the one who’s going to suffer, I sit in front of Sev and his cauldron reeks something awful. I kind of wish I still had the heart to report Potter and Black for their lawless ways, but I feel like it would be somewhat hypocritical of me since I now spend half of my time defending Potter around my friends. He looked very nice today, Potter did. His hair was especially chaotic and he was looking all pleased with himself, like he always does when he’s up to something. I wish it wasn’t so appealing. He’s such an unlikable arse.

Helena Hodge will not leave me alone. She has started muttering and glaring whenever she walks by me. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I will have to confront her properly this time.

It’s almost patrol time and my shoes have not reappeared. I’ll have to go in my socks, it’s not like Remus will care. Maybe he might have seen something, he’s been sitting over in the corner with Potter and the other two all evening.

Friday 7th February

Remus needs to realize we don’t care he’s a werewolf. Oh, he pretends, but if he really understood he wouldn’t remind us every full moon that we don’t have to go along, and that it’s dangerous. It’s bollocks anyway because he always says it like he means it, but his face says it’s only perfunctory. He wants us to go with. Ever since we started tagging along he spends half as much time under Madam Pomfrey’s care. I wonder if I would’ve tried to become an Animagus even if he weren’t a werewolf. It’s dead fun running around the Forest. I expect I’ve seen loads more of the creatures in Fantastic Beasts than the rest of the class combined, save my mates. No wonder I got an O on my Care of Magical Creatures OWL – I’m dead experienced at identifying creatures. Kettleburn’s taken a shine to me ever since the OWL. I think before he thought I didn’t care. I don’t, but at least he’s under the impression that I do.

Speaking of, I dropped by his office with Algernon before Quidditch practice. He prodded at him for a bit with his wand, checked inside his mouth and the like. Probably did more, but I got distracted by the poster Bitten? How to Identify in Three Easy Steps! and missed some of what he did. Kettleburn said Algernon looked to have eaten a potion, but he added he’s pants at Potions and would need to ask Slughorn to identify it. He spelled out a sample from Algernon’s stomach to give to old Sluggy. Algernon’s a brilliant cat, but I was half-tempted to tell Kettleburn to forget it so Slughorn wouldn’t have another excuse to talk to me. He’s always trying to get me to go to his stupid Slug Club meetings, but he won’t let Sirius in, ever since Padfoot Jinxed his fez to bite his head, and there’s no way I’d go without Sirius. Not that I particularly want to go, anyway. The only reason I’d go is because Evans does.

First Apparition lessons tomorrow. I’ll be surprised if I don’t manage it on the first try.

No luck in finding that oak tree. I think we went too far east, but Wormtail swore he remembered where it was. I think we all learned a lesson about not following his sense of direction, and about poking about with unidentified plants. Sirius will have that rash for a while, I think, especially since he refuses to see Madam Pomfrey about it.

Saturday 8th February

Several things have happened/are happening today and over the past few days.

1) Sirius Black can’t sit down for five minutes without jumping out of his seat, rubbing his backside and exclaiming, “Owww, my arse!”

2) I got a ransom note for my shoes. It reads: If you ever want to see your shoes alive again, you’ll meet my demands. There is no signature and there are no demands, either, so I don’t know how I am supposed to reply to this person. I think it might be Terry Heaney from third year; he’s always stopping girls in the common room and asking what size their feet are.

3) Helena Hodge threw spaghetti at me during lunch yesterday! I kid you not. It landed all over me and ruined my robes and hair. It took me an hour to wash it out. So I finally cornered her near Filch’s office today (she was holding Algernon, Potter’s mad cat, I’m not really sure why) and threatened to give her a detention unless she let me know what was up. She told me, rather haughtily, I may add, to ask Potter and then she stormed off towards her common room. Now that I have seen her with his cat, I am sure that they are in cahoots together. I am sorely tempted to go over and ask him what the hell he thinks he’s doing, but he’s being an idiot with Black. They seem to be sword fighting with thin air. Sometimes I don’t know why I am so drawn to Potter.

4) Beatrice told me that Emily told her that Matilda Bones told her that Bernard Chitock wants me to accompany him to Slughorn’s Valentine’s party next weekend. I may agree to it if Bernard asks me himself, but I’m not partaking in any of this ‘communicating through our friends’ nonsense. Of course, I had to tell Beatrice and Emily to tell Matilda to tell Bernard this, so I suppose I did anyway. Gah.

5) Apparition lessons are far harder than I expected, although I think that I’ll be able to manage next lesson, if I try hard enough. I’ll do some more reading on the theory tonight. I was quite pleased to see that Potter didn’t manage to do anything other than trip over his own two feet and break his glasses. It serves him right for being gorgeous.

6) I have far too much homework to do, and no shoes to wear. Going outside for Herbology is proving a nightmare, especially since it rained yesterday.

---

Algernon has gone missing. What if he’s dead? I checked under my bed, and he wasn’t there. I hope he hasn’t crawled under some third-year’s bed and died. If anywhere, I’d want him to die under my bed. He’s spent so much time there lately and all. It would be rude to die elsewhere, I think. I checked the Map earlier, but he wasn’t in any of his usual haunts. Remus has promised to help me pore over the Map after dinner.

Kettleburn says Slughorn has said he’ll have time to look at Algernon’s sample later tonight, but that’s all but useless if Algernon is dead.

Apparition is stupid.

Wormtail’s been fidgety lately. More than normal, I mean. And he keeps retying his shoes. I asked him if he had a rock in his shoe, but he squeaked and mumbled something about how he thought he might have a rash, too. I suspect he was lying, but Remus gave me one of those looks that told me to shut up. He’s usually pretty good with knowing when I should shut it, so I listened. I’m chuffed that I thought to listen to him for once because for the past half hour Peter’s been starting conversations with me that he backs out of as soon as he can. I believe he wants to tell me something. I must be getting older, as I feel infinitely patient today. Old people act like they have all the time in the world.

I keep telling Sirius to get over himself and go ask Pomfrey for some salve or something, but he’s a stubborn git. Then again, if our positions were reversed, I doubt I’d go to her, either. Life’s funny like that.

Sunday 9th February

I broke a silence of weeks today and talked to Potter. I asked him, very nicely, why Helena Hodge is harassing me, and explained that she had informed me of his part in this. He shrugged and protested his innocence, but I told him of how I saw her with his cat, so I had him cornered, dear diary. Before he could respond, we were interrupted by Bernard Chitock who asked me to Slughorn’s party, right there in front of Potter. I told him that I’d think about it, as I was shamefully hoping that Potter would jump in and get all territorial like he would have in the past, but no luck there. He just stood with his mouth open, like a bespectacled fish with nice hair.

I think that Potter may have stolen my shoes, so I took his Invisibility Cloak out of his dorm. Ha. Ha ha ha.

---

Today was awful. First off, Evans has agreed to go to one of Slughorn’s parties with Bernard the Berk Chitock. Honestly, if his ears were any bigger, he could play Quidditch without a broom. I was going to try to curse him with spots, but to make matters worse, my Invisibility Cloak’s gone missing! Apparently I should talk to Helena about this, as Evans told me she has my cat. She also accused me of something or another, but, as usual, her accusations are misplaced. I may also have been distracted a bit because she wasn’t wearing any robes, and her nipples were poking through her shirt. Can you blame a bloke? She’s dead pretty, Evans.

After, Sirius and I used the Map and were shocked to see Algernon’s dot practically on top of Helena’s. I thought perhaps she’d drugged him, as he’s never been content to sit in anyone’s arms, let alone a creepy Hufflepuff’s. Last time I tried to have him sit in my lap, I had to spend an hour repairing my trousers. On our way to steal Algernon back, though, Kettleburn stopped me and Padfoot in the corridor. Slughorn confirmed that Algernon had been slipped a love potion. I told him I didn’t know there were love potions for cats, and he told me it was a normal, human love potion. I felt pretty stupid, then. A rare occurrence. It’s a good thing Kettleburn’s not the Potions Professor, or I would’ve felt loads worse.

Sirius and I continued to the Hufflepuff common room, where we persuaded Oswald Fitz to let us in. We asked Robert Caulfield first, but he got cheeky with us. Don’t know what his problem is. Once in, we marched over to Helena and I grabbed Algernon out of her dirty claws. (She didn’t have claws, actually, but I wish I’d cursed her with some. Who gives a cat a love potion?) It appears Peter was right, as she asked if I wanted to spend Valentine’s Day with her. I told her if she hadn’t poisoned my cat I might’ve considered it. I was lying, of course, but I think it made her feel worse. Serves her right. Padfoot cast a Tongue-Tying curse on her, which was dead cool, except then I couldn’t ask her about my Cloak. I was so worried about Algernon, though, that I’d rather forgot about it by that point.

Algernon is staying with Kettleburn overnight. Tomorrow I will ask Helena about the Cloak, but if she knows what’s good for her, she’ll hand it over without me asking or she’ll get a lot worse than a Tongue-Tying curse. That Cloak’s been in my family for generations, after all, and I’d rather not have it reek of Helena Hodge. She smells of cabbage.

Chapter Text

Monday 10th February

I have a detention tonight.

It wasn’t my fault, though. Helena Hodge came at me outside the Great Hall this morning after breakfast and started hissing shit at me. Apparently, Potter is ‘hers,’ I missed my chance ages ago and I had better leave him to her if I know what’s good for me. I told her that I do know what’s good for me, mainly exercise and green vegetables, at which point she tried to hex me. I do not like to fight, but I will also always defend myself against attack. She had hair growing out of nearly every orifice by the time we were caught by Professor Sinistra. Not bad for a girl with no shoes on.

Funnily enough, it was Potter who broke up the argument, although I’m not sure that one breaks up an argument by pointing their wand at somebody’s head and threatening to remove their spleen whilst gibbering madly about some kind of love potion. It was rather nice, though, when he grabbed me round the waist to pull me away from Helena. After Sinistra gave me detention, I told Helena that I would not be drawn into a physical or magical fight with her again, but that if she thought that she could have what was rightfully mine she was completely mad. Potter followed me all the way down to History of Magic asking me what we were arguing about, but what was I supposed to tell him? Eh, over you? Emily and Beatrice both think that I am insane for fighting with Helena, but I think they’re just annoyed because I am refusing to tell them why. I didn’t even know why until earlier!

I am glad that I have Potter’s cloak on me. I am using it to hide in the library on Bernard Chitock. I figure that I’ll give it until Wednesday before saying yes; I’m kind of waiting for Potter to ask first. Of course, I’d say no if he asked, but I would hate for him not to.

I just saw Peter Pettigrew whispering something to Helena Hodge!!! They are plotting something! Perhaps Helena is going to tell Potter what I said to her? But then I could always claim that she is lying, and accept Bernard’s invitation to prove my point. Still, I wonder what they could be talking about?

Still no shoes, I did get another note though. It says: Go to Slughorn’s party with me, my Cinderella? I promise that I shall return your slippers to you before midnight. Creepy much? What kind of person would write a ransom note to that effect? I am not easy! Granted, I forgot to wear a bra yesterday, but that very rarely happens. Do I look like a common whore? What a sick, sick thing to do.

Potter, I have your cloak, and you’re not getting it back until you lie on top of (the very unsuspecting) Lily Evans, or at least snog her until she can’t breathe. Signed, someone who isn’t Lily Evans.

No, too obvious.

---

The world has gone mad. I don’t know what’s going on anymore. Only good thing that happened today was that Kettleburn returned Algernon to me, free of any dratted potions. I think he’s well worn-out, as he spent the rest of the day curled up under my bed. I doubt any other cat would ever try to take up residence under there – Algernon’s firmly marked it as his territory. I think. I’m not sure if cats are territorial, but they seem like the sort.

Wormtail hinted today that he fancies someone I wouldn’t approve of. Remus gave me another look, and that turned out well last time, so I shut up again. I wonder if it’s Helena. I saw them chatting today. I don’t know why he thinks I’d be bothered. He can have Helena for all I care, but even Peter can do better than Helena.

Speaking of, I had to break up a fight between her and Evans this morning. Most unusual. It was exciting for me because for one, Helena was hairy for the rest of the day, and I’m still pissed off about Algernon, and two, I got to hold Evans. It wasn’t for very long, but it was nice all the same. She’s slender, but not to the point where it hurts. Some girls starve themselves, but I think that’s dead stupid. No bloke wants to be stabbed by some rib that’s poking out. More proof Evans is brilliant. So I suppose that wasn’t a total loss this morning, but Evans refused to tell me what they’d been fighting about. I asked Remus, but he chuckled and said I had to figure it out on my own. What use is having a smart bloke like Remus for a friend if he withholds his knowledge? Sirius was as lost as I was, and Wormtail was surprisingly nowhere to be found. Maybe he was off snogging Helena. If so, I hope she had the decency to shave first. That would be dead unpleasant.

I saw Evans rubbing her feet today in the common room after dinner. I wonder if she caught whatever Peter’s got? I hope not. Whatever Peter’s got is bound to be bad, as it’s probably some rat disease.

No sign of the Cloak. Damn it. I should label it so I can find it on the Map, or something. I wonder if that’d work….

---

More proof the world’s turned upside-down: I’m going to Slughorn’s party on Friday. All I’ll say is, I’ve learned my lesson about lurking about the corridors without the Cloak. Slughorn cornered me and has roped me into a blind date on Friday. This cannot end well.

Tuesday 11th February

My detention was a fairly uneventful one, I merely had to polish trophies for Mr. Filch. He doesn’t seem to hate me as much as he does Potter and his friends, but I still can’t feel at ease when he’s carrying that belt around. And his cat scares me somewhat.

I put a note up in the common room today.

To whoever took Lily Evans’s shoes -

I don’t care how many references to Muggle fairy tales you make (and for your information, I do not like Cinderella, because Snow White or The Little Mermaid are far superior stories), I will not go to Slughorn’s party with you, and I want my shoes back! I don’t have any other shoes and my feet are bloody killing me. Also, does anyone know how to prevent your feet from aching without going to Pomfrey?

Lily Evans

I saw Potter looking at it earlier, maybe he took them. I hope he did not, because then I would definitely not go to Slughorn’s party with him. I went to his Quidditch practice wearing his cloak last night, and charmed the Quaffle to fly near me every three minutes, so that he would have to keep flying after it. He looked all sweaty and annoyed and sexy nice. I will definitely take more of an interest in Quidditch from now on.

Speaking of Potter, which is all I do now, I spent most of Herbology writing ransom notes on scraps of paper, but I couldn’t write one that a) wasn’t creepy and b) didn’t give away my identity. I think I’m just going to return Potter’s cloak to him. I can’t keep it forever and if he finds out I did it, he might like me even less than he already does. Not that I’m sure he doesn’t like me, of course, but he’s certainly not flirting with me any longer.

---

I am under Potter’s bed. I am covered with the Invisibility Cloak and I have cast Muffliato so that he can’t hear my Quill scratching on this paper. His cat is here, but Algernon does not seem to mind my presence. The smell is fucking awful.

I returned his cloak alright, but when I got downstairs I realized that one of my mock ransom notes was missing, so I had to go back upstairs to get it before the stupid bugger found it and twigged what was going on. Only then, he came up the stairs himself, so I had just enough time to dive under the bed, drag my bag with me and cover myself with the cloak. I have no idea what he’s doing up there, but he doesn’t seem to be making any noise. In fact, I think he may be writing something too.

I am going to say yes to Bernard almost as soon as I get out of here.

---

Someone has stolen Evans’ shoes, and according to Remus, they’ve been missing for some time. I was surprised I hadn’t noticed, but I suppose between my sick cat and chasing off Helena, I’ve been too caught up in my own life. Is it strange that I feel bad for neglecting her? I’m also still upset that she’s going to the party with Bernard, and that I’m going with MerlinSlughorn-knows-who (I refuse to compare the two). The sad thing is, I know I could easily get out of it. Sirius keeps trying to discuss ways for me to skip the party so I can spend the night with him and the others, but I want to go so I can hex Bernard with bad breath. I’ll show him for stealing my Evans.

Cloak is still missing. If it were anything but my dad’s Cloak, I’d follow Evans’ example and put up a note. At least Algernon is better. I saw him chasing some mice earlier.

Wormtail disappeared after dinner. He seemed quite unhappy. I hope Helena hasn’t been too hard on him.

Wednesday 12th February

Potter, the stupid bastard, fell asleep on his bed last night and it took me ages to get out. When I eventually crawled out from under his smelly deathtrap of a bed, I made to drape the Invisibility Cloak over his headboard and fell on top of him. It was the bloody cat, I swear it. He darted out between my legs and knocked me over. Potter woke up but it was dark and he didn’t have his glasses on, so he didn’t actually see me properly. Also, he fell asleep right after, mumbling something about nipples. Nutcase. At least he has his cloak back. I have not yet seen the return of my beloved shoes.

I told Beatrice about my Potter problems and she said that I should give him the opportunity to ‘rescue’ me, because men apparently love that. I disagreed, because I am terrible at being helpless and never require saving. She said that there are ways around that. I think she is going to try to hex me from behind my back or something. It’s the kind of thing she finds funny. I love the girl and everything, but I don’t feel safe walking in front of her any more.

I told Bernard that I would indeed accompany him to Slughorn’s party and he was very nice and happy about it, so hopefully Friday will go well. Helena Hodge has left me alone for the time being, I keep seeing her skulking around the library with Peter Pettigrew, who by the way, just came in to Potions but darted back out again when he saw me here alone. Maybe she has told him that she will break up with him if he comes near me, since she hates me so very much. He’s gone now. Potions doesn’t start for another five minutes, but I don’t feel like sitting with Beatrice at lunch, she’s starting to freak me out. I think I’ll put some of that lotion Emily gave me on my feet while nobody’s here.

Shit shit shit there’s Potter!!!

---

My Cloak has been returned! No clue who took it. Maybe Wormtail borrowed it so he could sneak off with Helena. He should’ve asked, first. That’s dead rude. It smells nice now, though, which makes me suspect that it was not Wormtail.

Evans has lovely feet. I caught her putting lotion on them today. At least I know why she’s obsessed with her feet, though I don’t know why she hasn’t bought another pair. Hogsmeade isn’t until Saturday, but she could’ve sent an Owl order or something. Girls are strange sometimes usually always. I told Evans I thought she had nice-looking feet, but I don’t think she heard me, and I didn’t want to say it again because then Sirius walked in. She was busy scribbling away in her Potions notes when I entered. She’s so brilliant at Potions, I don’t know why she has to take notes, anyhow. She could probably teach the class. I’d partner her, if I weren’t me.

I fear for Friday. I forgot that I not only have to go, I’ll have a date. Today Sirius tried to scare me into ditching by guessing my date’s identity. Of course, all the people he mentioned were atrocious. What if it’s Silvia Dodgson? She’s nice enough, but I couldn’t stand to listen to her go on about History of Magic for hours on end. I get enough of that during Binns’s class. I also don’t like her hair. It’s not red.

Wormtail looked mildly happier today. Remus refuses to discuss it with me, but he seems very amused by it all. I think Peter dating Helena is funny, too, but I’m also more than willing to talk about it. Remus must know something I don’t, as Sirius and I had a good laugh about the idea of them up in the Astronomy Tower together.

Thursday 13th February

I’m at lunch now, but somebody ate all of the pancakes. Wankers.

Potter told me that I had nice feet yesterday, only I think he was mocking me, so I ignored him. He and Sirius were giggling at the back of the classroom and I distinctly heard them mention Helena Hodge, so I bet that they are making fun of me for some reason. They also said something about economy showers or something, I swear, those two are insane.

Peter Pettigrew is my hero! He found my shoes for me! Apparently, he went into the third year boy’s dorm to borrow a Remembrall off of his cousin Nick Crabtree, and he saw them underneath Terry Heaney’s bed! What a darling! I could have kissed him when he handed them to me at breakfast, as it was I gave him huge hug. Then Remus came over to the table and sat with us. We had a rather nice conversation, although Remus seemed amused about something mysterious. Peter, as it transpires, is not dating Helena Hodge, merely being tutored in Herbology. Helena is apparently very good at it. Peter’s cousin Nick is going to the Slug Club party tomorrow and he is bringing Peter along. Peter asked if he would see me there and I told him that I would probably bump into him at some stage. He asked me to save him a dance, and I said yes, although I have no idea why he would want to dance with me. He ran off then, citing a need for the lavatory.

Remus and I are patrolling tonight, which will be nice.

Emily says that Beatrice is going to try and attack me so that I faint in the corridors, but she has promised to do it only when Potter is around to catch me and administer the snog of life, which, Emily says, is like mouth to mouth resuscitation with tongues. I told her to warn Beatrice not to do this. We were sitting at the back of Transfiguration class, waiting for it to start, and Black and Potter were walking by when Emily mentioned the snog of life (although they thankfully missed the preceding conversation) and Black made some smart remark about how it would be difficult to breathe again if Bernard Chitock’s smelly tongue (or anybody’s, for that matter) was in my mouth. I didn’t bother to respond, even when Potter asked me how I got my shoes back. I’m still angry about his slight on my feet. Emily told him that Peter Pettigrew found them and Potter just mumbled something under his breath and stalked off. He has a rather nice bottom, now I come to think about it.

Potter, not Black. Or Peter Pettigrew. Urgh.

---

I think Evans is upset with me. My mates and I were all heading to Defense when Peter suddenly let out a little squeal and darted behind a suit of armor. I went back to investigate, but as soon as I’d reached him I heard a cry behind me, and then a thud. I spun back around to see Evans sprawled on the ground. She has dead awful friends – neither Wood nor Booth did a thing to help her in her moment of need, although Wood seemed a bit more upset over Evans’s mysterious fainting spell than Booth did. I’m happy to know that any of my mates would catch me if I suddenly became dizzy. Not that I would, of course. I am a Marauder, after all. I asked her friends if she was all right, and they muttered something I couldn’t understand. Not wanting to intrude, the four of us kept on. Evans must’ve felt better because she came to class with the rest of us. After class, though, I stopped to ask her how she was, gentleman that I am. She seemed dead mad, though, and just glared at me. When it comes to her, nothing I do is right, it seems.

Not only is she mad at me, but it seems I have unexpected competition for Evans’s affection. Apparently Wormtail was the shoe thief. Sirius, Remus, and I confronted him about it after Defense because we didn’t believe the story he’d fed Evans about them. He finally confessed that he’d sent her the creepy ransom notes (my words, not his). Helena has been helping him in his efforts to seduce her, except according to Wormtail, Helena is pants at seduction. I could’ve told him that. In short, I’ve told Peter to back off, but he insists on coming with to the party tomorrow all the same. Remus barely said anything during the intervention, which makes me suspect that maybe he was the one we should’ve been interrogating.

Professor Hallosheth was ill today, and Dumbledore was his replacement. I don’t think I’ll ever look at acorns the same way again.

---

I’ve been lying on the sofa in the common room for the past half an hour. My head is killing me. Apparently I hit it when I fainted earlier, and I now have a huge bruise. Beatrice, who is the fiend behind all of this, has been rubbing my head, but now she has had to leave and snog Karl Pilkerson over in the corner. Whore. Emily told me to sit up because I might have concussion, so I’ve decided to write in here instead. It gives me something to concentrate on, in any case.

Oh, here comes Peter Pettigrew. Sweet boy.

So Peter and I just had a nice, long chat. He said he didn’t see me faint today as he was late to Defence, but he can’t believe that nobody made any effort to help me when I fell. He gave me a cold cloth that his mother owns. It is enchanted to stay cool and soft, and also to stay attached to your head while you go about your business. I am quite possibly in love with it. I must look like a right fool, sitting here with a big blue cloth stuck to my forehead (Potter certainly finds something funny about it because he keeps looking over here), but I don’t care. Bernard Chitock was very nice about my fall, too. I told him about it and not only did he offer to cover my patrol with Remus tonight, he also told me that I would look beautiful even if I had knocked all of my teeth out. A rather odd and stupid compliment, to be sure, but it is like Shakespeare when compared to something like, “Those are nice-looking feet you’ve got there, Evans.”

I can’t believe that Potter found it funny when I fainted. Peter told me as much. He said that he had a word with him about it, though. He’s such a dear.

I am going to go to bed now, and tomorrow night I guarantee that I will look so stunning that even Potter will wish he’d asked me to the party. But I will just laugh at him. Ha ha ha ha ha.

I hate Potter. Also, I don’t think that Dumbledore should be allowed near acorns ever again.

Friday 14th February

I’m about to dash off to Sluggy’s party. Sirius has got me paranoid now. He’s convinced my date is Deborah Munnings, and, well, I might have to kill Slughorn if that’s the case. (Note that I am pointedly not mentioning her beaver-like hands.) To top it all off, I saw Wormtail getting cozy with Evans in the common room today. I’d know that cold cloth anywhere. The fiend! Evans is mine!

---

The good news: my date was Winifred Barnes, that sweet fifth-year Hufflepuff with blonde hair. The bad news: I may have permanently ended any chance I ever had of ending up with Evans.

The evening started off well enough. I met Winni outside the Great Hall. She was wearing a red hair barrette, the agreed-upon sign. I looked rather dashing myself, but did not forget to compliment her. And no, that was not because Remus reminded me to do so on my way out of the common room. We met with Peter and his cousin, and then journeyed down together. Everything was grand until Evans walked in on the arm of The Berk. He’s such a dim-witted swine, I can’t stand it. Evans, of course, has never looked more radiant than she did then. She had a swig of holly behind her ear. The Berk kept readjusting it, but I know it was merely an excuse to keep touching her. I wanted to vomit whenever I looked over at them. How dare he cavort about with my woman! I tried to be polite enough to Winifred, but I suspect she saw me glance over at them one too many times. Oops. Not my fault, as I kept reminding myself.

The low-point of the night was when I finally had had enough and asked Evans, very nicely, if she’d like to dance. She rolled her eyes and me, then waved at someone over my shoulder. I’m dead tired, so I’ll merely say that I will never, ever forgive Peter for stealing that dance from me. This did not help my mood, so I went over and tried to reverse the situation by dancing with Winifred. I made sure her back was to Evans so I could look at her and Peter. He may have once been my friend, but Peter can’t dance. Evans, lovely girl that she is, was pretending she didn’t notice how often he trod on her nice-looking feet. I hope she doesn’t have any bruises. Her feet are likely sore enough as it is after Peter’s theft. If I thought she’d believe me, I’d tell her the truth: Peter is a lying scumbag. Maybe I can convince Remus to talk to her about it.

More things happened, but they were all relatively unimportant. Suffice it to say that I doubt The Berk will ever be able to satisfactorily snog anyone again, and that I have detention for the next two weeks with Professor Weber. Worth it, I say.

I am not speaking to Peter.

---

I am not speaking to Peter.

Never mind the fact that he practically raped my feet while he was dancing with me and never mind the fact that he spilled pumpkin juice all over my dress. No, no, no, never mind all of that. Peter Pettigrew is a rat!

The party started well enough, I suppose, apart from the fact that I looked really shitty. Bernard was very pleasant at first, although he got way too amorous later on and thrust, and I mean thrust, his large and (yes, Sirius Black) smelly tongue into my mouth. So I bit it, hard, before kicking him and leaving him to dance with Pettigrew. I don’t think I bit it that hard, but I saw him staggering around later on with blood gushing from his mouth and odd green bubbles growing out of his tongue, so Merlin only knows what I did to him. I’m quite proud of myself, in any case.

So anyway, I danced with Peter right after Potter came up and asked me to, no doubt because he had concocted some kind of hair-brained scheme to humiliate and make fun of me. As I just said, Peter raped my feet with his own, the ratty little bastard, and landed a clumsy kiss on my cheek afterwards. I thought that he was just being sweet and friendly, but before I knew it, I was being whisked outside of the office by Peter’s cousin Nick. I was surprised to find Remus there, but then Remus told me (over the din of some kind of loud fight that was going on back in Slughorn’s office) that it was probably in my best interests to know that Peter was the one who stole my shoes and had planned all of this in an effort to seduce me. He felt that I ought to know before I ‘made any decisions.’

The worst part was that Potter knew about Peter and his shoe stealing, and never told me about it. That is proof that he is nothing but a cruel, ignorant arse, a cruel, ignorant arse who likes to snog people like Winifred Barnes. I’m sure that Winifred Barnes never loses her shoes or hides under his bed. I hope that Winifred Barnes dies a horrible, bloody death while Potter is forced to sit and watch her.

Not only that, but these new shoes (Emily gave them to me earlier because she thought that they’d go with my dress) have murdered my already raped feet! They have cut into my heels and my feet are now both bleeding. I am going to Remus’s dorm to borrow some dittany as he is never without some. And while I am there, I am going to tell Potter and Pettigrew exactly what I think of them.

---

That went well. Ish. I told Peter exactly what I thought of him and he was properly ashamed. Luckily for me at the time, Potter wasn’t there, Remus said that he’d been writing something but stopped briefly to go to the bathroom, so I made it quick in order to avoid him. Pettigrew tried to apologize but I wasn’t having any of it, and then… and then….

I would have been fine if Potter hadn’t come back but he did, and I couldn’t exactly ignore him as he was impeding my way out of the dorm. My diatribe didn’t come out exactly as I’d planned it, because all I managed to coherently say was that he was an arrogant, sly bastard and that I was well and truly over him. The rest was drowned out by his shouts as I whacked him over the head with the dittany bottle. He shouted, ‘FUCK!’ as I left, but that may have just been because of the trail of blood I left on the floor.

I am never speaking to Potter again. I hope he marries Winifred Barnes and that she gets horribly obese. Wankers.

Saturday 15th February

Mum sent me an owl this morning. She said Great Aunt Gertrude died, and now my mum and her sister are in a fierce battle over the silverware. Honestly, who cares about forks when I’m heartbroken? I wrote my mother back and, skimming over the details, informed her of my woes. I don’t like to tell her too much, as she’s faint of heart. I think if she knew everything that I got up to she’d pull me out of Hogwarts straight away. I tell some to my dad, but that’s because he thinks it’s dead cool. Except he probably won’t be proud of how I lost Lily Evans…. Perhaps I shouldn’t have sent that letter to Mum, as she’ll tell him about it. Damn.

On the upside, Remus told Lily about The Rat’s deception. Sirius joined me on my quest to block The Rat out of our existence. I’ve put up a sound barrier around his part of the room so we don’t have to hear him. I tried to put up a wall, but the house-elves stopped me. Apparently it’s against school rules to change the architecture.

On the downside, Evans hit me on the head with something last night, maybe because I sent all those hexes at The Berk. Come to think of it, it was probably a bottle of foot lotion or something. It looked as though Peter had cut into her feet deep enough to bleed. More reason not to talk to him. He tried to pantomime apologies this morning, but I was having none of it. Padfoot, Moony, and I went to Hogsmeade without him. I think he went off to commiserate with Helena, but I couldn’t be arsed to check. I spent all day looking over my shoulder, hoping to see Evans, but I didn’t spot her all day. Strangely, this made me feel worse.

I can’t decide who to use my new Treacherous Quill on: Snivellus or The Rat.

Why would I ever need to Apparate when I can fly everywhere? These lessons are dead useless.

I should train Algernon to fetch me things.

---

I talked to Helena Hodge today, and told her that she could have James Potter if she wanted. She must really like him, because she asked me to sign a contract (I hereby agree that James Potter must forevermore belong to Helena Hodge, and I will never pursue or think about pursuing him again, signed ________) and shoved a sheet of parchment under my nose. I took the paper, but I am most definitely not signing it. She’s probably hexed it to make me grow male genitalia or something. I wouldn’t put it past her.

Emily, Beatrice and I went to Hogsmeade after our Apparition lessons (I managed it once, at the end of the hour. Huzzah! Potter was really annoyed because Peter, the disgusting rat, managed it too and Potter still can’t do anything other than fall over) and we were joined by Remus in the Three Broomsticks. He apologized for the rumpus he caused at the party last night, and told me that Potter was sorry for hexing Bernard. I was most surprised at this, and told Remus that I didn’t even know that Potter had spoken to Bernard. On the contrary, I am pissed off with Potter because of his deliberate and cruel attempts to reject me. Remus reacted strangely when he heard this and left the pub for a while. When he came back, he told me that he was trying to look for Potter but he couldn’t find him, but that I should really talk to him the next time I see him. As if, I would rather stick my head unto a barrel of moldy cheese. Why a barrel? I do not know.

Ooh! Beatrice, Emily and I have decided to host a giant, feminist, man-loathing party in the common room tonight. I say that the three of us are, but it was actually Beatrice’s idea. She has just come back from a trip around the Three Broomsticks and it seems that most of the girls in our house are well up for it. We’re not going to cause any trouble, just make fun of every male who happens to be in the common room at the time, apart from maybe the younger ones, because that wouldn’t be fair.

Oh, it seems that Emily has forged Winifred Barnes’ signature on the contract. See, this is why I love Emily. Maybe now Winifred will die. Emily and Beatrice say that they have written a very nasty and anonymous letter that should reach Potter any minute now.

Yay.

Potter’s cat is in my dorm, and he is either trying to make himself dizzy or make me follow him. I care not; I refuse to be fetched by something named Algernon.

Sunday 16th February

I thought after the party that things would settle back down, but I must’ve been higher than the Quidditch hoops. Yesterday was good enough, under the circumstances, until I received a mysterious letter. I didn’t get a chance to read it, however, as Algernon pounced on it the moment it flew into my room. I tried to piece it together, but even a simple Reparo didn’t do anything. I think there were simply too many pieces. Also, Algernon may have eaten some of the letter. Oh well, I hope it wasn’t anything important. Probably a letter from Helena, or something equally dull.

Sirius, Remus, and I hold strong in our refusal to interact with The Rat. Maybe he’ll up and run away to live among the rats. Serves him right. Last night the Gryffindor girls all got together to bash every bloke in the Tower. I thought this was unfair, but my protests went unheeded. Angus Hopkins was so distraught that his girlfriend Matilda had joined in that he fetched McGonagall. She followed him back, but when she heard the vile things they were all spouting, she just smiled and said they weren’t breaking any rules, and if we had any sense we’d start taking notes on what they were saying. No clue what she was on about. I’m pretty sure I heard Evans going on about my cruelty to her friends. I pretended I didn’t hear and went upstairs to continue training Algernon. Last night I tried to get him to fetch me a sandwich, but he came back empty-handed. Damn.

---

I received a letter from Pettigrew today, in which he explained his bizarre behavior of the past few weeks. He informed me that he only really liked me because I am one of the only people who was ever nice to him. He didn’t want to admit to his friends that the person whom he really had a crush on was Bertha Jorkins, whom he has loved from afar (he didn’t use that phrasing, but I think that ‘loved from afar’ is better than ‘have a fing for er, yeh?’) since he was a first year, because they would tease him, so he decided to try somebody more popular, whom his friends would approve of. Bertha Jorkins finished school last year, however, and Peter has been feeling rather upset ever since. Finally, he said that he hadn’t meant to cause any fights, because his friends are ‘the best in the world’ and he didn’t know how much I liked Potter.

I know that they are all fighting now, and I don’t want that, so I gave the letter to Potter when I saw him in the corridor, only making one amendment. I blotted out the part of the letter that said, ‘I didnt no ow much you liked im, yeh?’ Not only do I not want Potter to know that, I just couldn’t stand to let that poorly constructed and spelled sentence run amok on the world. Potter tried to say something to me when I handed it to him, but I pretended that I found something behind his left ear really interesting and walked away. I hit my leg off of a first-year’s schoolbag and tripped as I went, but I don’t think he noticed. Smooth, Evans. Really smooth.

Chapter Text

Monday 17th February

Have made amends with Peter. I was going to forgive him after Evans (strangely, I might add) showed me the letter he’d sent her, but I don’t think he expected her to show it to me because he later did something just for me. And Sirius and Remus by proxy, I suppose. During Charms he hexed Snape so that his fingers reversed order. It was dead funny. Wormtail took two nights’ detention with Filch for it, so Moony, Padfoot, and I decided to forgive him. I wish I weren’t such a twat around Evans. She always seems bored when I talk to her.

I overhead Oswald Fitz telling Nelia Newman during Arithmancy that Winifred Barnes has taken suddenly ill and is in the Hospital Wing. I hope I didn’t catch anything from her at Slughorn’s party.

Mum wrote to me again, and she gave me some advice on how to woo Evans. It sounded like a load of bollocks to me, so I didn’t bother finishing the letter. She did not mention Dad, which gives me hope.

Hah, I’ve just remembered: Peter had a crush on Bertha Jorkins, the cow. I can’t stop laughing whenever I think about it.

Oh, damn. I tried again to get Algernon to fetch me a sandwich, but instead he’s brought me Evans’s shoes. This cannot end well.

---

I have just seen Potter’s cat running towards his dorm with my shoes. I. Am. Going. To. Kill. Him.

Right now.

In one minute.

I should just check that my hair looks nice before I go up there, and that my robes are neat. I might just open another button of my blouse, too. Maybe I’ll take my hair out of its bun. I’ll ask Beatrice’s opinion.

Beatrice threw her hairbrush at me and screamed at me to shag Potter and get it over with. I am going to take that as a sign to let my hair down.

Tuesday 18th February

Last night I thought of a brilliant plan to hide the shoes in Terry Heaney’s room, but then I realized I’d stolen that idea from Wormtail. I felt dead stupid, then. Before I could think of a plausible lie, Evans barged into my room, demanding to know what I was thinking. I tried to tell her I’d only wanted a sandwich, but she was having none of it. She never does. She threatened to kill my cat, but I told her I’d had more than enough of people harassing my cat. She gave me a weird look. I explained that I was training my cat to get what I wanted, but that didn’t go over any better. I don’t understand girls. I wish someone would tell me what they want. Maybe I should ask Sirius. Girls are always fawning after him. Then again, he doesn’t actually care. Remus, perhaps? Anyway, the night ended poorly when Evans grabbed her shoes, hit me over the head with them, and stormed out. Sirius, who’d closed his curtains, started laughing the instant she left. I can never catch a break. At least she looked especially pretty. That felt like a bonus somehow.

I quite enjoy the Poisonous Petunias we’re working with in Herbology. One of them tried to eat Helena Hodge. I laughed.

----

I am going to give up on Potter, I think. I have been forced to come to the conclusion that he is simply too stupid to comprehend any type of normal human emotion. There used to be a time when he would flirt with me and surprise me with acts of gallantry even as I threatened to kill him, but those days are long gone. I think that if he ever acted that way again, no matter how slightly, the surprise might kill me. He is not the same James Potter I fell for. It’s all shoe stealing cats and laughing at economy showers and whatnot now.

I’m not going to mention Potter again for the rest of this entry, I swear on pain of death.

Emily has noticed that I have started to take more pains with my appearance over the past few weeks. But so what if I feel like wearing my hair down now? So what if I don’t really wear my really heavy robes any more and just prefer to go to class in my blouse and skirt? I feel like I have every right to take pride in my appearance! It’s not as if anybody notices the change in me. If they are, they’re not saying anything. The Potter of a year ago would have. Bastard.

I found a really nice eagle feather quill underneath Helena Hodge’s table in Herbology, after she was rushed to the hospital wing. I think I might keep it. It makes the ink change color as you write. That reminds me, actually, of Peter’s cold cloth. I should bring that back, but I don’t want to. I’ll tell him that Potter tore it from my hands and stamped on it in an act of insane rage because he wanted a cold cloth for himself. Yes, yes, that’s what I’ll do; I’ll tell Peter that Potter needs a cold cloth for the bags under his eyes. I’ll put it about that Potter undergoes a beauty regime to rival Marilyn Monroe’s, oh ho! It’s not like I won’t be believed, he might be an asshole, but he’s still delicious.

Transfiguration was after Herbology today. I didn’t think that the frog could swell that much, or that frog guts could antagonize a rash that much. Poor Sirius.

I mentioned Potter four times since I swore not to. That’s not bad, not bad at all.

Thursday 20th February

Got a letter from Dad. He said I should stay clear away from women because they only bring trouble. I think he’s getting bitter in his old age. Or maybe he’s just tired of Mum going on about the silverware – I know I am. I decided to talk to Remus. He recommended I do something nice for Evans. I said everything I thought up was wrong, so he should tell me what to do. He didn’t think this was a good idea, claiming he has had no success with the other sex. This is bollocks, of course. Remus is too modest and lacking confidence due to his illness. That’s also bollocks because it only affects him on certain days. The rest of the time he’s perfectly fine. Rhonda Roper was giving him the eye the other day and he didn’t even notice, much less reciprocate. I would’ve, if I were him. She’s a looker, although not as much as Evans. At Remus’s prompting I told Evans she had nice hair, but I think she misheard me.

Sirius is still in the Hospital Wing. I thought that rash had gone away, but it turns out he really was a stubborn git. I’ll bring him his mirror later so I can keep him company after Pomfrey kicks me out.

I sent out Algernon for some bacon. He brought me a kipper. I feel like he’s only getting what he wants, now. Stupid cat.

As fine as Evans has looked lately, Wormtail confided in me that she must be coming down with something because she’s been lying. The Lily Evans I know would never knowingly lie – she is too pure of heart to do such a thing.

Wait.

That is the Evans I know. Crap. I have to go run damage control. Five kinds of cream, my arse!

---

I am sick.

Madame Pomfrey says that it is nothing more than the Muggle illness pneumonia, and a light case at that. As serious as pneumonia is in the Muggle world, it is very simple to treat here. I feel much better after taking the potions she gave me, but she says that I am to stay here at least until the end of the weekend. I felt fine this morning, and I was having a grand old time telling people about Potter’s eyelash curling spell at breakfast, when I got a rather jarring pain in my chest. It continued to bother me all day, but it didn’t really kick in until after dinner, when, according to Emily, I actually fainted without the help of Beatrice this time, and right into the arms of a Marauder, although it was Remus and not Potter. Remus rose to the occasion quite magnificently, or so I’ve heard.

I often wonder why Remus doesn’t get himself a girlfriend. I saw Rhonda Roper giving him the eye the other day, but he didn’t seem to notice.

And as for Potter, I care not about him. He told me I looked like a bear the yesterday. At least, I think he did. He might have said ‘hair’, but it really sounded like ‘bear’. He had bacon in his mouth at the time, so I can’t be sure.

Emily, Beatrice, Peter, Remus, Matilda, Karl Pilkerson and Professor McGonagall have all come in to visit me so far, it makes me feel quite happy and loved, I must say. Sirius Black is in the bed down the ward from me. He is covered in red, shiny scales. It is his fault for rolling around in poisonous plants with no pants on. He says that it wasn’t his fault, and that Potter kept spelling his trousers to fall down, but that is no excuse.

I think I’ll just try to sleep now.

Friday 21st February

Has it really only been a week since Valentine’s Day? It feels like ages longer. I want to go visit Sirius, but Evans is in there, and she’s never in the mood to see me. Maybe if Remus goes with me and distracts her, I can sneak by to get to Sirius. Or if I bring Wormtail, in which case she might be more upset with him than with me. Ideally I could bring both….

Where’s Algernon when you need him? I want some treacle tart, but I plan to ask him for some cake instead to see how that works out. Would he deliver food to me in the Hospital Wing? I must investigate this new skill of his.

---

Remus came in earlier and told me that Potter is now afraid to enter the hospital wing in case I go crazy and start throwing things at his head. I told Remus to tell Potter not to be stupid and use his Invisibility Cloak if he’s that scared of me, but then Emily came up with a better idea. Thank Merlin that Sirius was asleep when we thought of it, because he definitely won’t approve. Remus, funnily enough, agreed to the idea (in fact, I think he may have thought it up with Emily), but only because he says that he is sick of our ‘circling each other like vultures.’ I know that Remus is an intelligent fellow, but sometimes even I have trouble understanding him.

Anyway, Remus is going to tell Potter that I have been given a draught to lull me to sleep and that he is guaranteed at least an hour of time which can be spent in the hospital wing, being as loud as he likes. Only I am not going to be asleep. I shall be pretending. Eavesdropping galore!

He said they’d be three minutes, I should lie down now…

---

I feel I may have been deceived by yet another one of my friends, but I can’t be sure, and it’s Moony. He’s not usually the type to do such things, so for now I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Also, I may have been hallucinating. I was in the Hospital Wing, after all, and they have strange Potions ingredients knocking about in there.

According to Remus, I’d have a couple of hours to talk to Sirius while Evans slept. Good news, especially when Algernon seemed more cooperative than usual before I left. Padfoot and I talked for a bit, but it was hard to take him seriously with the scales. His own fault for playing in fun-looking-but-unknown plants. I think he was overwhelmed by the dog in him and didn’t want to admit it. I thought I heard Evans stir, so I looked over. Her hair was all fanned out around her, but she was really pale. Not healthy-looking, but still dead pretty because she’s Evans. I mentioned as much to Sirius because I was distracted; normally I wouldn’t tell him those sorts of things. He didn’t seem to like that I was paying attention to Evans instead of him.

Things would’ve been fine if Algernon hadn’t entered the room. He dragged in a roasted chicken, but instead of bringing it to me, he leapt onto Evans. That cat is going to either get killed or get me killed some day. Evans shot up in her bed in surprise. She was clearly not asleep, but after shooting me a frantic look, she laid back down and pretended to go back to sleep. I was too annoyed – with Algernon, Sirius, and Evans – to stay any longer. I grabbed the chicken and left.

Saturday 22nd February

I composed a letter to James Potter today and handed it to Remus to deliver. Here is what I said:

Potter,

Firstly, I feel that you have no right to be annoyed just because I woke up when your cat jumped on me yesterday. How would you feel if I set James on you with a cooked animal carcass in his mouth? James would never do that, because he’s a good owl who knows his place, not like your cat who is pilfering food from odd places like a common thief. I know that you are happy about the fact that your cat can fetch food, but you really should look into what it’s bringing to you. I heard a rumor this morning that Algernon caught one of Hagrid’s chickens and roasted it himself. Although I’m sure you started that one, being the arrogant toerag you are.

Anyway, my point was this, don’t get angry with me! I’ve done nothing wrong! You’re the one who’s gone around laughing at me behind my back and comparing me to bears and all manner of other odd things. You owe me an apology. Several of them.

How is darling Winifred? As wonderful as ever, I hope?

Lily Evans

P.s. I would thank you for saying that I was pretty yesterday, but you were probably lying like always, weren’t you?

I forgot the one thing that would always make Potter flirt with me: insulting him. Maybe it will work? I am hoping that the letter will anger Potter into responding, and that he’ll do it personally. Preferably with his tongue in my mouth.

I wonder how Apparition lessons went for Emily and Beatrice?

---

Surprise of surprises, I got a letter from Evans today. She went on about the owl I got her during that Christmas exchange. I don’t remember what she said about the owl, as I was too happy to see her writing my name out. Naming that owl was one of my most genius moments, I have to say. She also said I shouldn’t be angry with her, and that I should stop comparing her to bears. I haven’t the foggiest where she got the bear thing. I suspect that my earlier suspicions were right, and that this illness is affecting her mind. Poor thing. I sent back a letter, via Remus. Perhaps I should’ve named her owl Remus. Hah! No.

Evans,

I don’t get you. You don’t like my compliments about your feet or your hair, and then you get mad because my cat doesn’t understand a simple order for treacle tart. I also would expect you to know more about Winifred than I would – isn’t she in the Hospital Wing with you? I thought Nelia was exaggerating about St. Mungo’s…. In any case, I stand by my compliment: You are ravishing. Now stop messing about with my head.

JP

She is ravishing, even when she faints of illness. She probably could’ve done with some roasted chicken. It’s too bad I threw it away because of the cat saliva.

---

Potter,

You never complimented me about my hair, you liar! And your remark about my feet was laced with sarcasm; don’t think I didn’t miss that. Do you have any idea how much pain my feet were in that day? Did you ever ask me how I felt? No! And what about when I fainted, when you apparently found it to be hilarious and walked right by me. And I can get mad at your cat if I want because it’s constantly coming into my dorm and trying to drag me out from under my bedcovers. And I hate that you named my owl after yourself. Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to say the name ‘James’ without wincing?

I haven’t got the foggiest idea where that stupid girl is, but she’s not here. There is only me and your insane best friend who keeps cackling about stags.

Stop being an arse, James ‘Merlin’s gift’ Potter. I don’t like you so much that I’m going to believe your weak compliments and become an easy target for teasing.

Lily Evans

I am so unbelievably angry that his reply did not involve kissing of any sort. He will pay for that. Wankerface.

Sunday 23rd February

After Evans’s last letter I went into the Hospital Wing to try to talk to her. Sirius got out today, and his first stop on the way out was to go back to the Forest to burn the plant he’d messed about in, so I knew it would be the two of us. Poor Winifred, she must really be in St. Mungo’s. Luckily I feel as fit as ever, so she apparently wasn’t contagious. Good news, for once. Evans didn’t seem very happy to see me, and after her last scathing correspondence, I’m not surprised. I told her I had complimented her on many occasions, and that she always hated them. She was having none of it. She didn’t even mention the compliment she knows I gave her, but maybe her mind has been addled. I said as to the fainting incident I was waiting for her friends to take care of her, because I thought she’d be mad if I did anything. It’s strange that she’s mad I did nothing – I thought she’d be dead happy I didn’t take advantage of her during her moment of vulnerability. Actually, I almost said I didn’t know why she kept writing to me, but Remus’ voice in my head (thank Merlin for it) said I should not point that out, so I did not.

All in all, I fear I made little progress with Evans today. She still seemed distressed when I left, but that might be the pneumonia. She kept licking her lips while I was in there. It was dead sexy, actually, but I refrained from pouncing on her. That would’ve set me back years.

---

I gave Remus another note to give Potter today, and told him to act how he saw fit with it. I do not know, I may not have been in my right mind when I wrote it.

Potter,

You are an idiot, and if you haven’t copped by now that I maybe wanted to be taken advantage of, you will always remain an idiot. I am never talking to you again until you acquire some sense. Goodbye.

Lily Evans (who is, apparently, a bear)

Algernon came into the ward today carrying what looked like a bag of raw liver. I was vomiting into a bucket for the next hour. Stupid cat. I hope it gets killed by a wayward baby on a toy broomstick, but what are the chances of that?

Chapter Text

Monday 24th February

I moaned on a bit about Evans to Sirius today. He suggested I get over her, but I said it wasn’t all that easy. He doesn’t fancy anyone, he doesn’t understand. I said I’d be willing to try something drastic, though, so he suggested cutting off contact with her. So, for the next week, I’m not going to mention Evans at all, or even think about her. I expect this to be dead challenging, but I’m up for it. I’m not in Gryffindor for nothing, after all.

I’ve just told Remus my plan. He looked down at some parchment in his hand, shook his head, and walked off. I think he was astonished by Padfoot’s and my ingenuity.

Why does Algernon smell of vomit? It would be normal except it doesn’t smell like his.

---

Remus came in to see me with the letter I wrote for Potter and told me that although he loves his friend very, very much, he would have no problem whatsoever if I punched him very, very hard the next time I see him. Potter has apparently decided to ignore me for the next week, so Remus, Emily, Beatrice and I decided that it would only be prudent of me to ignore him back and appear unaffected by his coldness. Remus said that the more I act as if I dislike Potter, the more chance he seems to think he has with me. Then he left. His rather bizarre parting statement resulted in an hour long conversation between Bea and Emily about the male mind and the amount of empty space that the male brain must contain. Normally, I would have joined in but today I merely pulled the bedclothes over my head and curled up into a ball. I knew, of course, that their debate would lead to argument. Emily is a strident feminist and Beatrice, being more like a boy than like a girl most of the time, has more to say in favor of men. I didn’t, however, ever think that their debate would lead to a flock of seagulls flying into the Great Hall and dropping excretion on everybody’s dinner. I hope Emily got those cuts tended to.

Terry Heaney came in today and told me that he noticed how my feet are always hurting me these days. He offered to give them a massage, and I would have been sorely tempted under normal circumstances, diary, but I declined. This angered him, and he sprinted from the hospital wing muttering asides. I have been checking under my bed every ten minutes to make sure that my shoes are still there ever since. I hope Terry Heaney does not decide to join forces with Helena in an effort to bring me down. I knew that she’d try something with the contract, but I never expected that Winifred Barnes would end up in St. Mungo’s just because she said ‘Good morning’ to Potter as she passed him in the corridor.

It is nice to have the hospital wing to myself, but at the same time I miss having Sirius here. He was an irritant, but at least his frequent murmurs about padded-feet and stags and motorbike wheels gave my brain something to chew on. I don’t know if he’s right in his mind. Also, Algernon came back in again today, but this time he was carrying a small bottle of Butterbeer. I have forgiven him for his past misdeeds. He sat in my lap and I petted him for a while, it was quite nice, actually. He smelled of soap, somebody must have bathed him recently.

Madame Pomfrey just gave me another potion to drink and says that I can leave in five minutes. Huzzah!

Tuesday 25th February

Day One of ignoring Lily Evans has concluded, and with semi-satisfactory results. I pointedly refused to look her way during all of breakfast and Herbology. During Transfiguration, though, I wanted to show her how much I was ignoring her, so I had Sirius throw some quill nibs at her. When she looked over, I was going to pretend I didn’t hear her, but she didn’t look over. Long story short, it appears as though she’s quite upset with me and is reciprocating my silent treatment. This is most off-putting. I don’t know if I can finish out the week at this rate.

To make matters worse, Snape attacked me in the corridor on my way to lunch. Luckily Wormtail was there – he sent up a Shield Charm. I’m quite glad I’ve reaccepted him as my friend, or I’d be in the Hospital Wing right now without any toes.

Changing nose-shapes? Please. Transfiguration is only good for practicing things when McGonagall’s back is turned, like turning Peter into a goat.

Quidditch match this weekend against Hufflepuff. I’m dead excited. Their star Chaser, Bertram Aubrey, is well scared of me and Sirius ever since November. I expect being on the pitch with me will send him into fits. He has every reason to be scared, as the last time we encountered one another, his head nearly blew up. His own fault for insulting Evans. She can’t help that she’s got ginger hair! And it’s quite pretty, so he must be daft.

Terry Heaney kept sneaking looks at Evans during lunch. If he keeps up with it, he’ll go the same way as Bertram Aubrey.

---

Severus Snape tried to talk to me today at breakfast. I came down early in order to avoid Potter, who always wakes up late, and Sev was there with a plate of toast. I declined the toast and told him that I wanted to be alone, but he wouldn’t listen. He kept insisting that he wants to be friends again, but I stood my ground. He’s still chummy, more than chummy, with Mulciber and Avery and he is still set on joining the Death Eaters. I refuse to associate with Death Eaters. Particularly since I am sure that Voldemort would kill me as soon as look at me. I felt rather sorry for Severus, but it is his own fault. He started firing questions about Potter at me then, so I walked out of the hall. I didn’t get to eat any breakfast, but I made up for it at lunch as they had copious amounts of pancakes.

Potter threw quill nibs at me today during Herbology, or at least, he got Sirius to do it. If Potter doesn’t want people to know what he’s up to, he should really learn how to whisper quietly in class. Even Professor Sprout heard him. I didn’t look around once, though. I’m very proud of myself.

Emily won’t shut up about the Quidditch match this weekend. I am debating as to whether or not I should go, as it would surely annoy Potter if I couldn’t be arsed to even watch him play Quidditch. Yes, that is a most excellent idea. I will just go and tell Beatrice that I have a date on Saturday and can’t go to the match. She will have told Remus within five minutes, I’m sure. Beatrice will use any excuse to talk to Remus, she once told me that she finds his scars very erotic. She’s a disturbing girl, is Bea.

Algernon has been here for the past hour, curled up in my lap. It’s quite nice to have him around for company. I wonder if Potter misses him?

Ah, here’s Beatrice. Time to put my plan into action.

Wednesday 26th February

Algernon has been notoriously absent these past few days, so I went and confronted Helena Hodge about him. She swore she didn’t know where he was, and Remus, who’d tagged along with me, seemed to think she was telling the truth. I wish people weren’t so obsessed with my cat. Also, I’d got quite used to late-night food deliveries, and now I have to wander down to the kitchens myself. Dead annoying. Don’t know how I got by before Algernon.

On the upside, his disappearance kept me good and focused on something that wasn’t Evans, so I barely stared at her all day. Plus, I had Defense today, and that’s always engaging. I fear a little each time I walk into the classroom, but Hallosheth hasn’t fallen ill again, thank Merlin.

Today’s practice only solidified my belief that we will trounce Hufflepuff on Saturday.

I could really go for some bacon. Damned cat.

---

I have a date with Bernard Chitock on Saturday. Beatrice refused to tell anybody that I was going on a date until I found a date. She says that I could be found out too easily. So I asked Bernard if he wanted to give it another shot after Potions. He seemed very eager, and actually suggested Saturday! I didn’t even have to try! Of course, if Bernard was a Hufflepuff there would have been no chance of that happening, but he is ideally placed in Ravenclaw. Slughorn saw me asking him and seemed very pleased about it. I think he likes the idea of two of his Slug Club members dating. Helena Hodge overheard me, too, and actually hugged me during dinner. It was weird.

I just spoke to Beatrice, and she says she will put the story about.

Algernon has been keeping me company since Potter went to Quidditch practice, and he hid under my chair when he and the rest of the team came back. Emily says that Potter accused the rest of the team of being obsessed with his cat, and now everybody is confused and worried about his sanity. Potter hunted around for a while, I assume for his cat, but Algernon stayed well hidden. I don’t know what the cat is playing at, but I’m quite happy about it.

Terry Heaney is the only other person in the common room now, apart from me and Algernon. He keeps looking from me to my shoes and then back again. I have my wand ready if he comes near, and Algernon, although he is snoozing peacefully on my knees, does not welcome Heaney’s presence either, so I am sure he will attack if needs be. He brought me some bacon from the kitchens and there isn’t even any saliva on it because he carried it in a little bag! He must have struck a deal with the house-elves. This bacon is delicious.

Somebody is coming down from Potter’s dorm. Bugger.

---

Traitorous cat! All this time I thought someone had stolen him, but really he’s taken a shining to the girl I’ve been ignoring all week. (Note how I cleverly avoided quilling her name.) I was going to go to the kitchens to get some bacon, but in the common room I saw She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named eating some already! And Algernon was with her! The scoundrel! I accused her of stealing him, but as usual, I was wrong. She said he’s been following her around of his own accord, and honestly, I can’t blame him, but I’m still wounded by his betrayal.

Sirius has just come in to tell me Evans She-Who-Must-etc. has a date. With The Berk. On Saturday. Things cannot get any worse. I hope she marries The Berk, with his stupid useless smelly tongue, and that they move away with Algernon so I’ll never have to see the lot of them again.

Not really.

Padfoot’s gone off to round up Wormtail and Moony so we can properly thwart this date.

Thursday 27th February

Sirius Black has been calling me She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named all morning. I don’t want to know why.

Potter accused me of stealing his cat last night (so much for ignoring me), but I told him, quite truthfully, that Algernon has been following me around all by himself and stalked off. Algernon greeted me outside my dorm door this morning and I told him that he should go back to Potter, and perhaps bring him some bacon. Maybe that will wipe the scowl from his stupid face. He has been storming all over the castle like a Hippogriff with a sore beak all morning, and throwing me angered, evil looks. He got his bloody cat back, what else am I supposed to do? I am continuing to ignore him as planned.

I sat with Bernard at lunch today, ignoring Emily’s protests that he is a stupid berk (Who uses the word ‘berk’ anymore?). He was very nice to me, and apologized for his less than gentlemanly behavior at Slughorn’s party the other week. He says that he will never do it again without asking first. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he was merely a pawn in my attempt to make Potter explode with jealousy. And you know what, diary? It made me feel good and rather vixen-ish. Maybe I was a bitch all along, and never knew.

My feet have been killing me all day, so I asked Remus if he had any other creams besides dittany. He said no, but he used some kind of odd spell on my bare feet and they feel much better now. I noticed Terry Heaney glaring at Remus when he touched my foot. I am now afraid to be in a room alone with Heaney.

I have lost my Astronomy homework and I need to find it before class, which starts in an hour. I think I may have left it in the common room, so I’ll go back down.

---

Emily has just told me that Terry Heaney told her that he saw Remus and I in a very compromising position earlier. What??!! That is not true, and even worse, I shall lose my date on Saturday if this gets out. I will kill Terry Heaney!

---

Haha, things are proceeding quite excellently! Wormtail suggested using Terry Heaney in our thwartations, and I have to say, that was a stroke of genius. Two Snitches with one grasp! Moony offered to help She-Who-etc. with her sore feet, and Wormtail sent Heaney downstairs by mentioning that She-Who-etc. had her shoes off, where Heaney encountered Remus and She-Who-etc. in a “compromising position.” Obsessive that Heaney is, I expect that this will be all over the school by morning, and will have definitely reached the ears of The Berk

Helena Hodge looked dead pleased with herself during Astronomy. I wouldn’t have noticed, except Remus pointed out to me that she was staring at my arse again. Damn it, I thought I had fixed that. Maybe I should really get her to date Wormtail. That would cheer the both of them up, I expect. Better yet, I should have Remus do it. He seems the type to be good at that sort of thing.

One more practice before the match! I’ve got out my practice Snitch to hone my reflexes. Not that they really need it.

Algernon has returned to me, but I am refusing his advances to teach him a lesson.

---

Cat has just brought me treacle tart. All is forgiven.

Friday 28th February

Bernard Chitock kissed me today.

Actually, he cornered me outside Charms and asked me what the deal was with me and Remus Lupin. I explained to him that Remus was merely casting a spell on my sore feet and that Terry Heaney, being the insane foot-lover that he is, got the wrong end of the shoe. This mollified Bernard, and he became quite friendly afterwards. I didn’t want him to kiss me, but as Potter was watching us very closely at the time I thought that it would be beneficial to allow him. At least he didn’t use his tongue, and he asked this time.

Helena Hodge saw the kiss, too, and has now started offering to carry my books and bring me food. I am sorely tempted to let her, because Algernon used to be my food-bearer but he has gone back to Potter, and I now have nobody. I did offer Helena some friendly advice, though. I told her that the best way to make Potter fall for her is to follow him around at all times and ask him the rules of Quidditch. There’s nothing Potter hates more than somebody who doesn’t understand Quidditch, and that’s something I know for a fact. Also, she should tell him that she thinks that bacon is vile, because he’ll just love that.

Speaking of Potter, I saw him messing around with that Snitch earlier. He looked quite handsome. Very handsome. So handsome, in fact, that I forgot to not fall for him all over again. I wish I could have just told him straight that I like him, but I might as well keep on with what I’m doing.

Terry Heaney attacked Remus in the Great Hall today, and I’ll say this for Remus, he sure does know how to fight back. Beatrice said at dinner that she’s had to fan herself every twenty seconds ever since. I’m getting rather sick of listening to Beatrice go on about how she wishes Remus Lupin could fulfill her sexual fantasies. It’s especially unfair that she said it while she was sitting beside poor Karl Pilkerson, who has been her boyfriend since third year.

I don’t think Karl noticed, though. He was trying to handle his knife and fork and eat his dinner without using his thumbs.

---

If it weren’t for the Quidditch match tomorrow, I might off myself right here and now.

One, She-Who-etc. was snogging The Berk in the corridor today.

Two, Helena Hodge could not possibly be any more annoying.

Three, the plan backfired and resulted in Heaney trying to kill Remus.

All right, so that last one doesn’t make me want to off myself, but it’s still unpleasant.

At least my reflexes are as sharp as ever. And it’ll cheer me up to see Bertram Aubrey tremble in fear tomorrow. All the same, I’ve written out my will for after I kill myself tomorrow afternoon.

The Last Will and Testament of James Lancelot Potter:

To my best mate, Sirius Black, I leave my Invisibility Cloak, so as to aid in all future conquests. Pull one on Snivellus for me.

To Remus Lupin, I leave the Marauder’s Map. It’s not technically mine, but I have it now, and I want you to be in charge of it. I don’t trust the other two not to lose it.

To Peter Pettigrew, I leave my cat so that he might always have easy access to food.

The rest of my belongings may be fought over at will, including my broomstick, my Snitch, and my favorite quill, should the latter ever turn up. I expect there will be much dueling over these precious objects.

Oh, and to She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, I leave my shoes, so that she might hide her feet from that pervert Terry Heaney. I always loved you. Evans, not Heaney. I hope you choke on a fish bone and die.

I plan to hide it under my pillow tomorrow morning, win the Quidditch match in a blaze of glory, and then die tragically, yet handsomely. Haven’t decided how yet, but I expect I’ll come up with something.

Saturday 1st March

Today was one of the strangest days I’ve suffered through, in recent memory. Bernard brought me to the fucking Quidditch match for our date. I could have killed him, especially since I stood out like a sore thumb amongst the Ravenclaws, who were all wearing their blue scarves, whilst I was wearing red. The one good thing about this was that I saw rather a lot of Potter, who spent a lot of the match near the Ravenclaw stands, for some reason. I suppose it’s a tactical thing. Bernard soon fell out of my favor by trying to snog me again, but he was hit in the head by a Quaffle as he leaned in with his mouth hanging open like he was trying to catch flies. He still has green lumps on his tongue. Whoever hit him with it really needs to work on their aim. I didn’t get to see who it was, as all six of the Chasers were in the immediate area when I looked up. I don’t mind admitting that I clapped and cheered for whoever it was. Bernard went to the Hospital Wing after that. Serves him right.

The worst thing was that after the match, when we had won and I ran out on the pitch to congratulate Emily, I accidentally managed to hug Potter. Actually, it was completely intentional, but I think that if I keep insisting that I didn’t mean to do it, I might end up believing my own lie. Like psycho killers do. Anyway, I hugged him, and I am quite hurt to admit that he didn’t hug me back. He just stood there. He has paid no other attention to me all day, apart from during dinner, when he kept grabbing the plates of fish and moving them away from me whenever I reached for them. Maybe he got hit in the head with a Quaffle, too.

I still have a burn on my arm from where Helena Hodge hit me after the match. She should be locked away. Happily, Karl Pilkerson has been distracting Terry Heaney from me by asking him questions about his family. It turns out that Terry comes from a long line of cobblers. How odd.

I think I will leave now, as Potter has just entered the common room with his friends, loaded down with goodies from the kitchens.

Oh, and I Apparated three times today! Potter still can’t do it even though all of his friends can! Justice!

---

Decided not to kill myself. Today was the happiest day of my life. More later.

---

She hugged me! She kept repeating she hadn’t meant it, that she’d meant to hug Emily Wood, but Wood was yards away. The last time I had contact like this with her was when she’d got into that brawl with Helena Hodge. She was as lovely as ever. I was quite overcome with joy, but then I remembered my plan to off myself. I suddenly became quite paranoid that someone had discovered my will hidden under my pillow, and would show her the part where I hoped she died via fishbone. My shock prevented me from hugging her back, but I admit it was also partially because I feared if I grabbed her I’d never let go. This one moment, however, made me hopeful enough for my future that I decided not to off myself. I’d cleverly planned to leap from my Cirrus and crash into the ground after the match, but as is quite plain, I opted out of that.

Quidditch match was brill – we’re well in the lead for the Cup now. Needless to say, we won, 430 to 120. Bertram Aubrey was well off his game as soon as he saw me. I laughed. Game would’ve been better, maybe, if Evans hadn’t showed up with The Berk. Even with me distracted by Evans’s radiance, I was still the best player on the pitch by far. Perhaps Evans is my lucky charm. I shall have to force her to go to every match from now on, for sure, and this will have the added bonus of keeping her away from green-tongued fiends like The Berk. On one of my few passes over the Ravenclaw stands I caught glimpse of him leaning in to snog her. I couldn’t allow this to happen, so I looked at Wood and jerked my head at the pair. She cottoned on right quick and threw the Quaffle right at The Berk’s head. Hah! Wood and I agree that The Berk is, well, a stupid berk, and that Evans can do much better (although I’ve yet to convince Wood I’m the one for Evans, I’m sure I’ll succeed in time).

The now ever-present and ever-dreadful Helena Hodge had the nerve to attack Evans from behind after the game. She meant to send more hexes, but I surreptitiously turned her into a goat. Apparently, though, I need to work on my stealth skills, as I have detention next week with Weber. Bad, but not the worst, and well worth it.

I have burned up my will. Good thing, too, as I forgot to leave Algernon anything. I’d hate to see what he’d do to my tombstone if he knew I’d left him nothing at all, not even that squeaky toy he likes so much.

Sunday 2nd March

Remus says that he is quite worried about Potter. Apparently he found a will underneath Potter’s pillow yesterday morning. In it, Potter apparently left me his shoes, proclaimed his love for me and then announced that he wanted me to die. I don’t believe Remus, especially as he can’t find the will today and prove it. Did Terry’s attack addle his brains? I don’t want to think about Potter anyway, I am still humiliated about the hugging, or lack of hugging, that went on yesterday, and even worse than that, Emily fired a trip-jinx at me today and sent me flying into his lovely-smelling self. We toppled right into a suit of armor and I ended up trapped beneath him (Potter, not the armor, which Potter was technically trapped beneath). I was kind of hoping that he’d kiss me or something, and I may have unconsciously moved my head towards his a bit, but I was brought to my senses by Helena Hodge (she has been turned back from a goat, but she still has hair growing from her ears) who saw us, burst into tears and shoved poor, unsuspecting Davey Gudgeon at the window for no reason. If it hadn’t been for Remus and his quick wandwork, I’m sure that Davey would have crashed right through it and fallen to his death. Beatrice has been bleating in my ear about it ever since.

Honestly, if I were Karl Pilkerson, I would be really upset, but Karl is not bothered. He was watching a beetle crawl around the common room today and didn’t seem to be interested in much else. He asked Beatrice if she thought that beetles had pension schemes but she said that she had to go and write a letter to her parents, the old excuse. She merely crossed the room and sat down beside Remus with a flutter of her eyelashes and I don’t think that Karl even noticed.

Here is Algernon! With a bar of Honeyduke’s chocolate for me! I honestly love this cat.

Sirius Black just walked up to me, pointed at my spiffing new quill and said, “Thief!” I don’t understand why, it’s not like I stole this from Helena Hodge, I found it under her chair. Bleh.

---

Every time I think I’m one step closer to being with Lily Evans, something happens that forces me to hate her. Today, by some miracle, we were both entrapped under a suit of armor. Luckily Helena saw, and I’m hoping this will put her well off me. Evans kept fidgeting about underneath me, which was dead sexy, but by yet another miracle I persevered and kept my wits about me. The first thing you do with your mouth is ask, after all, and it didn’t seem the moment to ask if I could kiss her, what with everyone and Davey Gudgeon standing about. That poor bloke needs to learn to tie his shoes properly. He nearly fell out the window, and he was so grateful to Remus that he gave him a large stash of chocolate. Moony has unknowingly decided to share this with me. Anyway, I was grinning all day after the incident with Evans, but Padfoot has just informed me she has my favorite quill. After all we’ve been through, and she resorts to common thievery! This has put me well off her, probably for the next few days. She’d best give it right back.

Moony was giving me strange looks all morning. I swore I saw him rummaging about my bed this morning. I blame the upcoming full moon. He always gets barmy this time of month.

Algernon stole my bar of Honeydukes! Stupid cat. He doesn’t even have thumbs, so I’ve no idea how he’s planning to eat it.

Chapter Text

Monday 3rd March

I managed to get it out of Sirius, he thinks that I stole Potter’s quill. This was apparently Potter’s before Helena Hodge took it. I should give it back, I think. Sirius says that he is quite pissed off with me.

---

I sat down next to Potter during Charms and slid his quill across the table, along with a note explaining how I ended up with the Quill in my possession. The only problem was, Professor Flitwick came in then and I didn’t get the chance to escape. Of course, we had to be practicing Calming Charms today and we had to partner each other. And Potter made me nervous, so I just stared blankly at him (I’m sure that I went red, too) until he took pity on me and performed the charm on himself. He told Flitwick that I’d done it, which was very nice of him and everything, but now I feel stupid. I, Lily Evans, couldn’t carry off a Calming Charm in front of James Potter, of all people! I am supposed to always be brilliant around Potter; it’s an unspoken rule of mine! I did manage to touch his thigh when I pretended to drop my wand on the floor and had to bend down to get it, so it wasn’t all doom and gloom.

Vera Clagg has called a Prefects meeting tonight. I hate Prefects meetings, but at least Remus will be there. He told me today that Terry Heaney has started covering his bed with socks that smell like they have been soaked in coffee. The socks were arranged in formation to spell: Her feet are mine, Lupin. Remus hinted darkly that he is going to let Potter know about it because Potter is better placed to ‘sort him’ than Remus is. Somebody should introduce Terry to Helena, she was sitting out on the grounds today, in tears and surrounded by photos of James Potter that looked like she had taken them when he wasn’t looking. She was trying to cast some kind of spell on them. I asked Emily and Beatrice what they thought, but Emily was trying to concentrate on her Herbology homework and Beatrice was trying to cast Diffindo on Remus’s trousers so that they’d fall down. It didn’t work. Karl said that she wasn’t close enough, and that if she made his pants fall down, it would only be polite for her to show Remus her arse, too. And they’re supposed to love each other?

---

As it turns out, I don’t have to hate Evans anymore! She got my quill back to me as soon as she found out it was mine. She was even sorry enough to partner me in Charms. I think she was feeling ill, so I did the chivalrous thing and did her work for her. It was about time, too, as I might’ve been getting too excited about being around her. The Calming Charm brought me right out of that, thankfully, especially when she accidentally touched my thigh. High point of my life, right there.

On the other hand, I’ve a new mortal enemy in Terry Heaney. He keeps making hidden advances on Evans, or so Remus told me. Scoundrel! Padfoot and I grabbed the Cloak from my trunk to go scout out opportunities, but underneath the Cloak I discovered the Traitorous Quill I bought last Hogsmeade visit. After tomorrow, Heaney will know better than to mess about with my woman.

At Quidditch today Austine Kempton, the third Chaser, started interrogating me and Wood about the match, particularly the part where we teamed up against The Berk. She and I make quite the team, I have to say, and we had Austine off our arses in no time at all. Besides, everyone was so well chuffed with my performance on Saturday that nobody wanted to bother me, lest they throw off my confidence.

Non-verbal spells are loads more important than Apparition. If I had to pick between a non-verbal Hover Charm and Apparition, I would pick the former for sure. I remain resolute that Apparition will never come in handy.

Full moon this Friday. I’m going to hide all photos of me in that oak tree, as someone has been pilfering them lately. I find that dead creepy.

Look, the ink changes color! I love this quill, even more now that it’s been in Evans’s hands these past few weeks. It still smells like her hands.

Tuesday 4th March

Today was wonderfully splendid, apart from one thing.

It was unusually boiling hot today (especially for March) so after classes had commenced, Emily, Karl and I decided that it would be fun to jump into the lake. Beatrice decided against it (at first!), and chose instead to suspend us over the lake and drop us in at unexpected moments. It was so fun, the fear of being dropped actually added to the greatness of the occasion. Of course, we all had our wands on us and used the appropriate charms to stay afloat. More and more people joined in, but Beatrice refused, that is, until Remus and Peter decided to go for a swim, too. She was in the water faster than Helena Hodge when she sees a plate of Brussels sprouts. I was very happy when James came down to the lake with Sirius and I must admit, diary, that I deliberately took my outer robes off and left them on the side of the lake with my shoes and socks, leaving only my blouse and skirt visible, I also made sure that I walked past him every time I got out of the lake. My own suspicion that I am a bitch grows more with each passing day. Apart from one point where I beamed at him (I couldn’t really help it, he smiled at me first! Although it could have been somebody behind me), I managed to ignore him for the whole afternoon. Huzzah.

James did not get in the water; he seemed busy discussing something with Sirius. They kept laughing and pointing at Terry Heaney, who was hanging about the lake with a camera and a mug of coffee all day. Sirius did, however, get in trouble with Remus when he vanished all of his clothing (save his underpants, poor Remus). Beatrice says that she is going to hunt down Sirius at the next available opportunity and offer to do or give him anything he likes. She says he made her life.

But! When I got out of the lake, my shoes were gone. I bet it was Terry Heaney. So once again, I am shoeless. And my feet hurt already.

I asked Karl Pilkerson why he’s not bothered by Beatrice flirting with Remus and he told me that it’s because Beatrice has no chance with Remus, and even if she did, he doesn’t see the point. He then asked me if I’d ever let a monkey cut my hair. I told him I had to go and lie down.

---

Ha! Terry Heaney refuses to come out of his dorm, not even to see Pomfrey. He’s got writing all over him, courtesy my Traitorous Quill. Over and over again, his skin says “PERVERT PERVERT PERVERT” in large, flashing letters. Not our most clever line, but Padfoot and I liked the simplicity of it. The only downside is that Remus is now not speaking to Sirius, and has decided to blame me, as well. I find this unfair because I wasn’t the one who made Remus the decoy so we could make the switch on Heaney. And really, Remus is partially to blame, as according to Sirius, Remus may have possibly implied to Charlene Stebbins that Sirius liked short women, and Charlene is as short as they come. This is bollocks, of course. At breakfast Wormtail asked Sirius who he’d pick, Marjorie Deacon or Rhonda Roper. Sirius said Marjorie because Rhonda was much too tall (and she is enormously tall. I’d pick neither, as Marjorie is a spotty cow). Remus had to go and ask, rather loudly, if that meant Sirius liked short women. I suppose Stebbins was walking by? In any case, this entire thing has been blown way out of proportion, and Sirius has regained Stebbins as a stalker. Lovely.

What is lovely, however, is that Evans smiled at me today when we were preparing for the switch. She looked dead gorgeous, and I liked watching her flounce about with her wet clothing. I can’t help that I’m a sixteen-nearly-seventeen year old man. I have needs, needs I would like to be met by Evans.

For some reason Beatrice Booth has offered Sirius anything he’d like. He’s going to have her hex Stebbins into the next century whenever she starts lurking about the Fat Lady. Brill plan, I say.

Wednesday 5th March

My friends are all insane, particularly Beatrice. This morning she told Karl that she was going to break up with him and go after Remus, and then she had the gall to get up and storm away from the table in tears because Karl said he wasn’t bothered! She and Karl are over in the corner now, snogging like they’re looking for buried treasure in each others mouths. Emily is beside me. Her opinion is that Beatrice and Karl should never, ever have children. I told her that I quite agree.

Charlene Stebbins is in the hospital wing with fur growing all over her body. Beatrice did it, and she won’t tell anybody why, but I saw Sirius shaking her hand earlier. Curious, most curious. Remus is not talking to Black and is spending a lot of his time sitting with us, something that Beatrice delights in, even if she is still with Karl. At least I know why that is. Remus said to me that he doesn’t want to talk about it, but he did ask me if I thought anybody had seen him once Black removed his clothing yesterday. I didn’t want to say that pretty much everyone did. Poor Remus.

I rushed back to my common room to pick up a book before Potions this morning and saw Terry Heaney, wrapped in a blanket from head to foot. He has used a hair growth charm to make his hair fall over his face, and diary, my curiosity got the better of me and I asked him what he was doing. He told me that it was because he was suffering from a bout of acne and wanted to hide it. We had a short, rushed conversation, which was actually quite normal and non-frightening until he asked me if I ever liked to bite my toenails. I left then.

I smiled at Potter again today as I passed him a box of spider eggs (he had run out), trying to convey in one smile exactly how I feel about him. I don’t think it worked, but I may try it again. I think he winked at me during Defense class, but I may have imagined it because I am sadly and seemingly desperate for some affection from him these days. I am a stupid, pathetic girl.

I could try sitting beside him tomorrow morning in one of our classes and accidentally touching him again. I figure that he has to get the message soon.

It’s sunny out, I think I’ll go and sit by the lake on my own for a while.

---

Only two days to full moon! Can’t wait, I’m dead ready to get out in the Forest again. I’d go mad without the monthly run. Plus, no matter where I hide my photos, they keep disappearing. I’ve looked up the best hiding charms to cast over the pictures. I’m not sure why I’m so bothered, because I know I’m quite handsome, but I wish whoever’s taking them would ask first.

Another smile from Evans! Huzzah! Spider eggs have never been more romantic.

Mastered a non-verbal Shield Charm in Defense. I’m well chuffed with myself because no one else accomplished it. My own abilities continue to amaze me.

Moony refuses to associate with us. Wormtail has taken our side, but that’s only because he was supposed to be the decoy, up until Remus “betrayed” Sirius. I don’t know why Padfoot doesn’t get a girlfriend, really. He could have near any girl he wanted, and he’s got those pictures of the Muggle girls hanging on the walls of the dorm, so I know he’s not a shirtlifter or anything. Strange. Even Wormtail looks to get a girlfriend before Sirius, but at least he’s trying. Remus thinks himself an animal, the poor fool, and I, well. No one can hold a candle to Evans. Ever since Mary Macdonald last year, and what a fiasco that was, I remain resolute to hold out for Evans. I hope she gives in soon. I could go for a bout of snogging.

Thursday 6th March

Transfiguration is our first class. I’m at breakfast. It’s in twenty minutes. I need a plan of action for Potter. I will sit beside him for no reason this time, so that he won’t be able to suspect that I’m just there because I need to leave something back for him. No, I will be there because I want to be around him. Surely Potter, being as arrogant as he is, will naturally assume that this is because I am attracted to him. And then maybe he’ll doubt his judgment, but then he will remind himself that he’s always right. At least, that’s what I’m hoping will happen. And dammit, I am going to smile at him, and find excuses to touch off him, and I will call him James. I don’t think I ever have called him James to his face before. And if he still doesn’t get it… no, he will get it. I will know after this class whether he likes me or not. There is no way that Potter could miss something this obvious.

Also, I made an effort to look effortlessly nice this morning.

Five minutes until Tranfig, I think I’ll go down there now.

---

Evans has caught an illness, I believe. Her lips were really red, and her eyes stood out loads. I’m not actually sure this constitutes an illness, but I remember the last time she was ill she looked stunning, so I assumed she was ill again, especially when she lost her wits and called me by my first name. I told her she should go to the Hospital Wing, but my caring did not go over well, strangely. Women make no sense.

Friday 7th March

Potter didn’t get it.

At least, I hope he didn’t get it. I’m telling myself he didn’t get it. He told me that I looked ill this morning, so I went upstairs immediately after lunch and washed all of the makeup off. I’ve been thinking all day about what else I could do and I came up with the plan I just carried out in Astronomy. I think, in fact I’m positive, that I made my feelings more obvious than I ever have before. I plonked my telescope down beside his (when he asked me if I’d been to the hospital wing, I said that I had and that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me, so there is NO WAY that he could still think that I am sick), pretended to yawn and rested my head on his shoulder. I even moved my hand so that it was touching his and left it there. I don’t think that I could be more obvious if I grabbed him and shoved my tongue in his mouth.

He didn’t move or push me away, but he still didn’t say anything, the fucking prick. I hate Potter. I am going to ask Remus if he knows anyone who I could be set up with, and I will be sure to do it in front of that speccy bastard.

Speaking of Remus, he’s not looking very well at the moment, poor thing. I hope he makes up with Sirius, Peter and the wanker, I don’t like to see him unhappy.

If I have any confidence left after sixth year, it will be a shock even to myself. And now I must go to bed. I didn’t realize that it was nearly one in the morning.

Saturday 8th March

My soul is tormented. Lily Evans near threw herself at me during Astronomy on Thursday. She swears she isn’t ill, but I can’t comprehend the alternative. If she still looks beautiful the next time I see her, I’m dragging her to Pomfrey myself. I love her too much to see her this delirious, because not only will she regret it once she’s back in her right mind, it toys with my emotions, as well. Unfair to the both of us, really, although I will shamefully admit I took great pleasure in the way she held my hand all evening. I didn’t find a single constellation I was supposed to during class. Her hand was on top of my right hand, and I’m not used to using my telescope with just the left one, but I didn’t have the heart to pull away and finish the assignment. Worth it.

I’d talk to Remus about it, but he’s in the Hospital Wing, and I’m also not sure if he’s forgiven us. Last night we all went out to the Shack to meet Moony as normal, because we may not be speaking, but the three of us promised way back when that he’d never spend another full moon alone, and we weren’t about to break our word. Moony seemed reluctant to be around us, but he eventually gave in and we all went for a romp in the Forest. This time I lead the way and found the oak tree. I sent away the others so I could transform back. I’d tied the photographs in a pouch around my neck, but when I went to put them in the oak tree, there were pictures of Evans in there. I switched those into my pouch and went back to finish out the night with Moony.

I’m in a bit of a fix, now, since if anyone else found them they’d think me the stalker. The only ones who knew about the hole in the tree, presumably, are Wormtail and Padfoot. No question which one of them put the pictures there, really.

Last Apparition lesson. I always knew I’d be outstanding at it. Twycross near had me teaching everyone else from the beginning. Can’t wait to get my license next month.

Algernon has run off again. Bloody cat. I want some bacon.

---

Have confronted Wormtail. He swears they’re a remnant from the whole shoe-thing (I asked if he’d hidden the shoes there, as well, and he went red in the face). In order to protect Evans from him in the future, I have made Peter promise to avoid contact with Evans as much as possible, and to try to date Helena instead. I feel this is the right move. Sirius agrees.

Off to see if Evans looks radiant.

---

James Potter is fucking insane!

He walked into the Great Hall just a while ago, saw me, grabbed my arm and started trying to drag me out of my seat. Now as you know, diary, I live for the day when James Potter may try to drag me into, say, a deserted closet or something, so I went along with it at first, but when I eventually got it out of him that he was trying to bring me to the hospital wing, I cracked. I pulled out my wand and pointed it at him, not really sure of what hex to use, but that seemed to harden his resolve and he pulled me on again. I had to use Expelliarmus just to make him let go of me, he has a bloody firm grip when he feels like it. It’s kind of sexy, I think, the way he took charge just then. But I now hate the bastard, so I digress. I’m glad that he splinched himself during Apparition today!

Potter’s argument was that I look too ill to be allowed walk around the castle without immediate care, so I told him that just because he thinks I look shit, doesn’t mean that he has to make fun of me. I also told him that he should be ashamed of himself for playing with people’s feelings, and walked off before he could retaliate. This is the last time that I am nice to James Potter. Oh, there’ll be no more hand-touching or hugging or smiling or calling him by his wretched first name any more. No, no, no. I’ve had enough of the arrogant little toerag. Beatrice wants to go up to him in the Great Hall and shout at him for his stupidity, but I implored her not to.

Peter keeps squeaking and running away from me whenever I see him. Does he find me hideous, too? But look, Algernon has brought me bacon! Somebody still loves me, at least!

The bacon was first rate. Remus is in the hospital wing and I am off to visit him now. I will be sure to ask him about setting me up with somebody while I am there. Hopefully Potter will be there and overhear me. I will make sure he knows that I have gotten over him, ha ha!

Sunday 9th March

I am a fool. Yesterday my attempts to care for Evans by forcing her to Pomfrey ended poorly. I went to go visit Remus to ask him about it, as Padfoot was no help at all, but when I arrived, Evans had beat me there. My initial thought was that she was being treated, but she was really talking to Moony about dating other people. If she dates The Berk again, I will murder him in his sleep.

I couldn’t bear to be in the same room as her when she was discussing other men, so I went back today instead. I told Remus what had happened, and he told me, in no uncertain terms, that I had been an idiot, and that Evans had literally been throwing herself at me in hopes of getting my tongue thrust down her throat. He said he didn’t understand how I did so well on my OWLs when I’m so thick. It was all in his Remus-way, though, gentle and matter-of-fact, so I wasn’t bothered. I asked him why he hadn’t told me earlier, and he sighed and didn’t answer.

Anyhow, I’m now regretting burning up my will, because my will to live has been incinerated by Evans. Evans was in the Hospital yesterday to say she’s given up on me for good, so I’ve completely ruined things with her. Maybe I will convince Algernon to feed me poison. I probably couldn’t do it myself because I imagine it would taste revolting. It would be a nice surprise that way, hopefully taking effect right in the middle of class. What should my final words be? “Watch out for fish, Evans” doesn’t have the right ring to it.

---

It is Remus’s birthday tomorrow and I have no present. It is not my fault, as I completely forgot about it until I saw him yesterday. I will get him a present by Owl Order, but I’ll ask him what he wants, first. I went to ask him earlier, but Potter was in the hospital wing, so I didn’t go in. From what I heard, Remus was insulting his intelligence, another reason to love him, I think. I will ask Remus what he would like for his birthday tomorrow. I do not believe in getting people stupid, pointless things that they don’t need. I made him a really nice card, though, using magic of course. I am not really artistic, but Beatrice is and she helped me out there. We signed it: Love Beatrice, Emily and Lily, because it’s true, who doesn’t love Remus?

I have taken to leaving the room whenever Potter enters, and I am making sure that I do not look at, speak to or touch him at any time. During class, when I obviously won’t be able to leave, I plan to spend the time imagining ways to kill him. Perhaps I could teach Algernon to force feed him poison, a slow-acting venom, perhaps, so that I can witness his death in class. Then the last thing he will ever know before he dies is my accusing stare and the sound of my voice, saying: ‘And that’s why you never lead people on, Potter!’

I asked Remus if he knew anybody I could date, and he jokingly suggested Sirius. He is adamant that I should just hold out for Potter a little longer, but it’s not going to happen, Remus Lupin, never and ever and ever again.

Terry Heaney’s blanket fell from his shoulders in the common room today, and he is covered in ink! The word ‘PERVERT!’ has been scrawled all over his body like some kind of weird tattoo! He ran from the room in shame when it fell and I felt rather sorry for him, evidently he has fallen afoul of some kind of mean prank, no doubt at the hands of someone like Sirius Black. I was sitting with Beatrice, Emily and Karl at the time, and Karl said that you would think that Terry could have picked some varying colors for the words on his skin, as it gets boring looking at all black. I honestly don’t understand Karl but Beatrice seemed to find this fresh bout of stupidity irresistible and dived on him. She is always extra affectionate with Karl when Remus is not around; I think that Remus’s scars have some kind of hypnotic effect on her. Thank goodness for Emily. She may have a boyfriend, but at least she and Rob don’t crawl all over each other at every available opportunity.

I miss Potter. I want to go looking for him and hug him/kiss him/tell him that I love him, etc, but I can’t because I despise the stupid, arrogant, pathetic, unbearable little bastard.

Chapter Text

Monday 10th March

It seems I am not the only one with womanly woes. Today Peter fulfilled his promise by asking out Helena Hodge, but she didn’t seem keen on the idea. She said she’d think about it. I advised Wormtail not to ask a girl running into the loo with a pained expression next time, but to wait for a better moment. I felt very much like Moony.

Remus’s birthday was today. Sirius had a chat with him before breakfast, and they’re all sorted out now. I wasn’t sure what to get Moony for his birthday, but I remember hearing that you should get someone something you’d like to get. All I want for my birthday is a date with Evans, but there was no way I was getting that for Remus. I’m still hoping I’ll get that in a couple of weeks. Perhaps it’s worth putting off the poison until after then. If I don’t get it, I expect I’ll be dead ready to die. In any case, I originally couldn’t think of anyone, so I asked Rhonda Roper. She didn’t seem to keen on actually dating Remus, as he is apparently “not intelligent enough, judging by his companions.” I took great affront to this. Still, I had no more ideas until Wormtail suggested Evans’s friend Beatrice Bluth. He thinks he saw her checking out his arse the other day. I had no better suggestions, so I asked her first thing this morning. She agreed, thankfully, or I would’ve been without a present. Maybe my desperation leaked through enough to persuade her.

I told Remus he’d have to wait until tonight to get it, and then I disappeared under the Cloak until Padfoot told him to go meet “me” outside the Entrance Hall. He hasn’t come back yet, so I expect things are going well.

In anticipation of my upcoming tragic death, I went through my possessions again so as to rewrite my will, properly this time. In my trunk I found the photos of Evans, which only broke my heart more. I want to return them to her, but at the same time I’d like to treasure them, as they’re all I have. I can’t very well leave it up to my will because then she’d think I stole them. The injustice is tearing a hole in my soul.

Algernon just returned. The poison plan did not go over well. I asked him to go fetch poison, but he brought back a plate of haggis instead. I was desperate enough after the photos to try it, but it only gave me bad breath. Nothing ever goes right for me.

---

I am so clever! Algernon just came into the common room with a plate of treacle tart and headed towards Potter’s dorm, but one simple Switching Spell later and Algernon was carrying a plate of haggis. Emily said that it was genius of me, but it would have been better to put a potion to relieve constipation in the treacle tart. I told her that Potter doesn’t, to my knowledge, suffer from constipation, and she said, “That’s the point, isn’t it?” Thanks to her, Karl is now talking about whether or not we need our bowels. I wish Beatrice was here to shut him up, but she’s gone missing.

Remus liked the card I gave him this morning and after a lot of badgering, I got him to admit that there are rolls of parchment in Diagon Alley that don’t roll up when you’re writing with them, and that he wants some of those. Remus says that it really irritates him when parchment rolls up at the ends. I was secretly hoping that he would ask for something more birthday-ish, but if that’s what he wants, that’s what he’ll get. I am also going to order him a new quill and a pot of self-replenishing ink (Bea and Emily say that they’ll put some money towards it). I might throw in some chocolate, too. Oh, and some Butterbeer! Yes, I think that will amount to a most satisfactory birthday present. I didn’t and won’t tell Remus about the little additions I will be making. He very slyly asked me what I would be getting Potter for his birthday. Oh ho, how witty of you, Remus. I told him that I didn’t know when Potter’s birthday was and that I didn’t want to know. I lied, Potter’s birthday is on the 27th of March (Oh, but how I love that stupid bastard), and I will certainly not be getting him anything. It’s not like he did anything for me. In fact, out of all the Marauders, I only got something from Remus on my birthday. I told Remus so and he said that he would berate Potter for his forgetfulness.

Helena Hodge is dating Terry Heaney. I find this sick for several reasons, not least because Terry is three years younger than her. They were holding hands in the corridor. Emily told me that Black told her that Peter is really eaten up about it, but I asked Peter and he told me that he’s actually not that bothered, he only asked Helena out because Potter told him to. Apparently, he now automatically does whatever James tells him. Peter also told me that he was sorry about the photos, and asked me if James had given them back yet. I hadn’t the foggiest idea what he was talking about, but then Peter said that he thought I looked quite pretty in them, so I know they are of me. I am disturbed. Does Potter have photos of me that he has started to show around to people? I would ask, but I am ignoring him.

Wait, wait, wait….. Potter has photos of me?! But how?! What?! And when?! He has just entered the common room from his dorm. I am going to walk over to him now and slap him right in the face!!

I’d like to hear what excuse he has for this one. And I’m not accepting anything that doesn’t involve him kissing me. Hah. Slap time!

Tuesday 11th March

Evans broke her silent treatment last night with a slap. At least it was contact with her, I suppose. She asked about the photos, but I feigned ignorance rather skillfully. At the end of our brief conversation I hinted that she’ll know more come the 28th. Right now I’m planning my death-by-poison for that Friday during Herbology. (Payback for the detention Sprout gave me third-year. Completely unfair.) It seems fitting. I’ve yet to convince Algernon to poison me. I think he knows what I’m planning to do with the poison, and is refusing to bring it to me. I might have to go look for some myself.

Today started off poor enough with a sour letter from Mum about how her sister has won Great Aunt Gertrude’s silverware. There was a short note from Dad attached with a reminder to stay well away from the opposite sex, and also a premature Birthday Wish. I asked for something sweet, and the note turned into a delicious bar of chocolate.

Things got worse when Remus came in late to breakfast. He looked right murderous and refused to talk to me all day. I take it his date did not go well. I should’ve found someone actually interested in him. I felt dead guilty about how little effort I put into his gift. After Transfiguration I finally convinced him to tell me what happened. All he’d say was that he’s never been more confused about his scars, and that he would appreciate it if I did not try to set him up with anyone else, ever. I said I’d back off.

None of the Marauders are good with women, it seems. Poor Peter. Helena is now dating Terry Heaney (the Quill has since worn off, unfortunately). Wormtail didn’t look as put out as I’d expected.

Possible last words: “Alas, poor Evans, I knew her not well enough.”

---

Beatrice is insistent that she is in love with Remus Lupin. We can’t get any more details out of her. She went on a date with him last night (!) and told us, and by us, I mean Emily, myself and Karl, that it did not go very well. Remus, she says, may never want to talk to her again. It serves her right, I think. She should stick to her own boyfriend.

Potter will not tell me why he has the photos. I will get it out of him by the end of the week if it kills me.

Wednesday 12th March

I cornered Potter outside the dungeons after our Potions class and, wand pointed at his throat, warned him that he had one more chance to explain why he was ferrying creepy photos of me around before I hexed his Adam’s apple out of his neck. Sadly, I came off worst in this spat, because instead of skirting around the issue he actually started to semi-explain. He muttered something about poison and teaching his cat how to write wills (or something to that effect, anyway), but then he actually mentioned that he wanted to keep them! I didn’t hear him properly after that, he was mumbling a lot, but I swear on Merlin’s legacy that he said he thought I was pretty, I swear it! I can’t have imagined it, because I wouldn’t have thrown my arms around his neck and kissed him if I had. Or maybe I would have. Oh….. Oh dear.

I only kissed him for a second, anyway! He probably didn’t even notice it, or thought it was a fly landing on his mouth or something. I came to my senses a split second later, when Severus Snape walked around the corner and made some kind of strange, strangled animal noise, I suppose to indicate that he was there. I stole away from Potter then, skipped Defense, and that partially leads me to where I am now, in my dorm room.

I went kind of crazy a few minutes ago, but of all people, Karl managed to calm me down. Emily and Beatrice were trying to make me feel better, but then in a stroke of genius, Karl suggested that we just modify Potter’s memory. As simple as that! Beatrice says that she would happily jump out from behind a suit of armor and Obliviate his arse. And if that fails, we have another plan! I will simply deny that I kissed him and act clueless if anybody asks me about it. Then Bea and Emily will stage a noisy conversation in front of one or more of James’s friends, wondering aloud why on earth Helena Hodge ripped out a few of my hairs the other day. It did occur to me that lying about Helena could lead to Terry Heaney’s heartbreak, but frankly, diary, I don’t care. Their relationship is way too creepy to be allowed.

I hope the Obliviate plan works. I don’t see why it can’t work. Unless Potter keeps a diary or something, but what are the chances of that?

---

The suicide is off. Am too elated to write more.

Thursday 13th March

She kissed me!!! Lily Evans kissed me! After Potions she asked about the photos, and my Remus voice told me to tell her, but I couldn’t seem to find the words. Mentioning Algernon may have been a mistake, as that seemed to throw her through a loop. I did tell her she looked dead pretty, and meant to ask if I could keep just one of them since she was so dead set on getting them back, but then she kissed me!!!!!!!!!!! I skipped Defense in order to better preserve the memory. Sirius found me after class blissfully sprawled out over a sofa in the common room. He sat on my stomach, the tosser, and he didn’t share my enthusiasm. I wasn’t bothered, because nothing could bring down my mood.

Except until just now, at breakfast, when she denied all knowledge of it. Crap, crap, double crap. I fear I may have hallucinated it. Or perhaps it was the haggis. I can’t die prematurely! I still have to write my will!

Et tu, Evans?” I think this is my best line yet because only she will understand what I mean. To snog me and then reject me…. I’m dying on the inside.

---

Karl fucked up both of our wonderful plans in one go. Bea and Emily sat down in front of Sirius and started discussing the Helena Hoax that we agreed upon, but then Karl, the dopey bugger, came along and told them that nobody was going to believe that Helena Hodge had taken Polyjuice Potion to turn into me when she already had another bloke and that they should have just done what he said in the first place, and removed Potter’s memory. Beatrice told me that Sirius dissolved into triumphant cackles and started shouting all over the common room that I was snogging Potter outside the dungeon yesterday. In fact, he slid into the seat next to me at lunch and started asking me if I’d be giving Potter a repeat performance any time soon.

Most people think that I might have reacted a tad too harshly with my wand, but really, I’m glad that the wanker’s rash is back. He’ll be in the hospital wing for the rest of the day. Ha ha.

I managed to get through all of our afternoon classes under the pretence of not knowing what Potter was on about, but now that Sirius knows, Potter will most definitely know too. And I have Astronomy with him tonight! Shit!

Karl has broken up with Beatrice. Bea says that he’ll take her back in a couple of days and Karl told me the same thing, but he said he needs a break to concentrate on ‘learnin’ things an’ that.’ It seems to be a bad day for love all round, Helena Hodge broke up with Terry Heaney, too. I wasn’t there to hear it, but she screamed at him outside the Gryffindor common room that she was sick of loving men who were too busy being obsessed with ‘that stupid tramp’ to notice her. Emily says that the stupid tramp is supposedly me, and she has just left to tell Potter about it. Emily does not take kindly to people insulting her friends. Maybe she is hoping that Potter will turn Helena into a goat again?

I want to kiss Potter again. There was something about him that reminded me of chocolate. I do not mind telling you how much I love Potter and his lips, dear, lovely diary of mine, but I just wish I hadn’t told Emily.

Remus has started to shudder every time he sees Beatrice, and that reminds me, I have to order his presents. Bugger.

Friday 14th March

Good news: I kissed Lily Evans today. Bad news: She is not speaking to me, supposedly ever again.

The whole school now knows that she snogged me (quite a picture, I imagine, as we’re both dead attractive) on Wednesday. The information cost poor Sirius his skin, and I’m off to visit him once I finish quilling this. She avoided my eye all during Charms, but I found myself overtaken by a sudden burst of bravery, and cornered her after class. (This unexpected mood may have been my mother’s letter this morning with more dating advice. I didn’t read most of it, but I found it inspiring all the same.) I remembered the first rule, though, and asked if I could kiss her. She didn’t answer, but I figured by then I’d asked, and that’s really all I needed, so I kissed her rather passionately. We snogged for a bit, but then Snivellus walked in on us again. My first instinct, which I followed, was to turn him into a goat. This didn’t go over well with Evans, unfortunately. She’s never got over that protective bit. Why I love her, I suppose, but I wish she would talk to me.

Tripped in Charms and may have possibly set Baxter Miggles on fire.

Wormtail is now dating Helena Hodge. Good on him, except I feel a bit lonely now. I’ll go commiserate with Padfoot.

“Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so is your mouth.” Hmm. Perhaps not. I’m pants at rhyming.

---

I’ve been up in the hospital wing all afternoon with Severus Snape. Potter kissed me after Charms class (he asked first!). Severus caught us at it again, and Potter, instead of acting like the kinder and slightly more mature person that I thought he was, turned him into a goat. I took pity on Severus and brought him up to the hospital wing, but if he thinks that this is going to reestablish our friendship again, he has another thing coming. As for Potter, I am sickeningly angry with him. I can’t believe that he would resort to such childishness! It’s not like Severus was doing anything, he just happened to walk in on us while we were snogging. With his wand aloft and pointing at Potter, yes, but since when does that prove anything?!

I was snogging James Potter. That is such an odd, but yet lovely, thing to write. After his behavior today, however, I will never write it again. I just wish he weren’t so good at it, or so handsome, or so stupidly endearing all of the time. And I wish that his hair wasn’t so sexy. Fucking idiot.

In other news, Remus told me that his date with Beatrice was going reasonably well until she started badgering him about his scars. She wouldn’t stop asking Remus where he had gotten them and if she could touch the ones on his face. No wonder he got frightened. She also told him that she finds his scars sexy. This was especially disturbing for Remus because his dittany went missing the other night and we suspect that Bea might have taken it in order to prevent his scars from healing. I don’t think she would, though. I asked Karl when he’d take her back and he said that he might do it after dinner, if there’s chicken. He doesn’t like being emotional on an empty stomach, he says.

I think I am going to go up to Potter’s dorm and take my photos back. They are of me, so I feel like I have a perfect right to them. I may also destroy all of his belongings while I’m at it.

---

That did not go so well. I think that kissing him again was a bad move. Especially right after I’d smacked him in the face.

I’m going to bed. Hopefully I’ll never wake up.

Saturday 15th March

Suicide may be back on. It’s hard to tell. One minute I’m elated because Evans apparently will snog me whenever she pleases, but the other I’m frustrated because it doesn’t seem to work the other way round. Unfair, I say, but I’ll take it for now. If it keeps up much longer, though, I will go poison hunting myself.

First weekend without Apparition lessons since January. It was nice to enjoy a long, full Saturday moaning about Evans to Sirius. He got a bit bored, I think, but Remus was hiding in the library and Wormtail was off with Helena. Lucky sod.

Evans came to get the pictures last night, but I still have them. I’m considering demanding payment of the snogging sort.

Just in case I go through with it: “You should wash behind your ears, Evans.” It’s true, but I can’t think of a way to tell her now without ending up hexed to pieces.

Sunday 16th March

Beatrice just came in. As we planned, she used Expelliarmus on Potter and got his wand. The problem is that she has left it in Karl’s care. Karl has lost three wands in the past two years because he keeps forgetting that he has a wand in his hand and dropping it. I am going to ask him if he will let me keep it.

---

I have Potter’s wand, and therefore I have leverage. He can have it back if he gives me the photos, otherwise I shall leave it to Helena Hodge who will surely never give it back and guard it with her life. Beatrice does not agree with my plan, and because of her I know have vivid images of Helena Hodge trying to violate herself with Potter’s wand. It doesn’t matter, in any case. If he wants it back he can pay the price. Now I just have to find a way to communicate this message to him without actually communicating.

Nobody has seen Remus all day, and Beatrice says that she didn’t take his dittany. I wonder who did?

---

My wand has been stolen. I feel surprisingly emasculated. Evans had best get it back to me before Charms tomorrow morning. Non-verbal isn’t an issue with me, but I haven’t mastered wandless magic. Yet….

Talked to Wood at Quidditch today. She seems to be warming up to the idea of me dating Evans, as she advised me to “take advantage of her, you idiot.” I said, quite cleverly, that it would be easier if I had my wand. She said she’d see what she could do about it, but warned me that it may have been lost by Karl Pilkerson. I don’t like him. If he’s lost my wand, I’ll turn his head into an orange. Human Transfiguration is fun, but I suspect McGonagall is ruing the day she taught me how.

I asked Algernon to bring me Remus so I could talk to him about Evans, but all the cat brought was a steak. Not quite what I was after, although it did mean I could skip dinner to hunt for my wand.

Ugh. Have just seen Wormtail snogging Helena Hodge. I could’ve died happily without ever seeing that.

“My wand will always belong to you, Evans.” Hah. Hahaha. Definitely not.

---

Potter’s wand has disappeared from my room, and somebody has turned Karl’s head into an orange! Surprisingly, it doesn’t look that different, as he still has his mouth, nose and eyes. He was already bald and round-headed to begin with, it’s just weird to see juice pour out of his nose whenever he sneezes.

More importantly, somebody has taken Potter’s wand, and now it is lost out there somewhere in the Gryffindor common room. I must not let Potter know that I lost it because then he would have reason to be angry with me, which is definitely something that I want to avoid right now. It is Potter who should be trying to get into my good books, and not the other way around.

I’ve hunted around the dorm and I can’t find it. Crap.

Chapter Text

Monday 17th March

Potter has gotten his wand back!! How and when and how again!? I suspect that Emily might be involved somehow, as she is keeping her lips sealed on the matter and goes rather red whenever I wonder aloud how the stupid bleeder managed to get his nasty hands on it again. Peter told me that Potter is determined to make me pay for my act of thievery, and as it was he who turned Karl’s head into a citrus fruit last night, I’m just glad that he never found out who took his cloak.

I’m worried now.

---

Success! I ran a reconnaissance mission with the help of Wood, so I now have my wand back. Good thing, too, as I didn’t fancy a detention for being unprepared. I didn’t need the wand for History of Magic, but I can’t imagine Charm work without my beloved Cecelia. I’ve never lost her before, and if anyone else ever lays hand on her again, they’ll get exactly what Karl Pilkerson got. Evans will get her own just desserts, and it won’t be treacle tart.

Tried to consult on the Evans predicament with Remus all day, but he ran off as soon as classes ended. I found him on the Map, but Algernon has not quite mastered the art of fetching people. He likes to bring bacon instead, so it’s not a total loss. I’m growing dead nervous about my revenge plan, though, so maybe I’ll join him on the seventh floor.

Note to self: teach Algernon the difference between Remus Lupin and a pancake.

Tuesday 18th March

Whoever it was who told James Potter that the Summoning charm works on humans should die. I have, at last count, gone whizzing into his arms six times already today. The last time was at lunch, I was pulled about twenty feet back and landed in his lap, whereupon he pretended like he hadn’t done anything, grabbed my waist and proclaimed loudly that he was glad I’d decided to finally forgive him! And he’s been giving me this weird look all day, a kind of a half-smirk while he periodically wriggles or raises his eyebrows. Beatrice is of the opinion that he is trying to charm me with what he thinks it his charisma and mysterious magnetism, but as we also agreed, he is actually in possession of neither. So he’s just coming off as a fool. Now you know me, diary, I would normally have no complaints about this kind of thing, but I have a very large amount of bruises because of this stupid new habit of his, and I am annoyed that after all this time when I wanted him to flirt with me, he decides to resume his actions when I am trying to forget he exists! The boy is insufferable!

But it’s not all that bad; I managed to kick him pretty hard in the shins last time, so I don’t think he’ll be trying it again. I can see him now, talking to Emily about something. I have no idea what they’re saying, but Emily is shaking her head a lot and a few minutes ago she hit him on the head with a copy of Transfiguration Today. Interesting.

My Owl Order presents for Remus arrived today, but I can’t find him anywhere. I think I’ll go on an impromptu search now. It looks like Algernon wants to come along too. Ha ha, Potter, your cat loves me more than he loves you. Maybe I can persuade him to hide on Potter again like he did before. It will serve Potter right.

---

Plan went swimmingly. Wood got a bit shirty and said I should handle Evans with more care, but first off, I can’t control the force of my Summoning Charms, and second, it’s supposed to be a revenge. It’s not supposed to be nice. Except it is, at least for me, because Evans has such a lovely bum. I quite enjoy her being on my lap. Followed Moony’s advice and acted like a lovesick idiot. It was much easier than I’d anticipated.

Got a lecture from McGonagall about the proper use of Transfiguration. I had to write “People are not meant to be fruit or goats” two hundred times. Worth it, I say.

Mum sent a letter telling me about the garden she’s planning. It almost makes me long for the letters about forks and knives. I skipped to the end where she mentioned Dad and his mishap with the Headless Chicken that ran into his office. Hilarious!

Ways to propose to Evans: “I like your bum. You have nice hair. Marry me, yeah?”

Wednesday 19th March

I could not bear to spend all of today whizzing around the school, so I pretended to be sick in order to be allowed stay out of class. And then I came here, to my dorm, instead of to the hospital wing. Beatrice told me that she is going to inform Potter that I twisted my ankle because of his most recent Summoning charm (this morning at breakfast) and I am in too much pain to hobble to Potions. My ankle is completely fine, but Potter doesn’t know that. Ha. Ha ha ha.

I found Remus in the library last night and he was very grateful for the presents. He asked me if I would talk to Beatrice and let her know, gently, that he is not interested. He still cannot find his dittany so I promised that I would help him locate it. And I saw Terry Heaney wearing my shoes, the shoes that went missing from the beside the lake ages ago! He saw me looking at them and didn’t bat an eyelid, just smiled insanely at me and looked down at my feet. I have been wearing a pair of Emily’s shoes ever since the incident and I cannot afford to lose them either. Maybe I will look in his dorm now that everyone is in class.

---

I am back from the boys’ dorms. I hunted around for a while and didn’t find my shoes, but I did discover several pictures of my feet, Beatrice’s feet, Ellie Morris’s feet, Bianca Selwyn’s feet and several sheets of paper with my name scrawled on them, all under his bed. There is a large drawing of Helena Hodge under his pillow with various spiky objects sticking out of what I can only assume is her chest. I think I need to tell someone about Terry Heaney, preferably someone in charge of a mental institution.

I had a look in Potter’s dorm, too. I can’t find the photos of me, so he must have some other hiding place for them. There was a note on his pillow. It read: ‘No matter how hard you try, your girl will be mine again one day.’

I don’t know who wrote it, but I am becoming increasingly alarmed about the mental state of most of the students in this school.

It has been 5 days since I kissed Potter. I miss him.

---

Today I turned Terry Heaney into a toilet. He had it coming, or so Wood tells me. There were some dead creepy things in his room. The Traitorous Quill didn’t do enough last time, so I hope he’s learned his lesson now. McGonagall was put out that I hadn’t learned mine, though, even when I pointed out a toilet was neither a fruit nor an animal.

Evans skived off class today by pretending she’d twisted her ankle. I thought she might’ve really been ill, but Moony disagreed, as did Wood. They’re both clever as Kneazles, they are. I hunted her down before dinner in the common room and, when she had no problems walking, Summoned her and told her I liked her bum. That did not end well. So much for instinct.

Maybe I should ask Wormtail for advice. He and Helena Hodge seem to be attached at the mouth. It’s off-putting, enough that I didn’t even notice Algernon had brought me another plate of cabbage. I think he’s trying to get me to buy him a new squeaky toy since he broke his last one. I’m holding out to teach him a lesson about not breaking his things.

“If I could re-arrange the alphabet, I’d get rid of the letter K. Off we go, then.”

Thursday 20th March

There was a toilet cistern standing in the middle of the common room when I got in from dinner last night. Sirius Black made a big show of sitting on it. Thankfully, he kept his trousers on. I was afraid that he might have taken his pants down, but he probably didn’t want people to see his rash. The toilet started spluttering and showered Sirius with water. Comeuppance at last! McGonagall came in shortly after and turned the toilet into Terry Heaney. Nobody was expecting that.

Peter sat down beside me in Transfiguration today. I was confused, but it turns out that he is just trying to find a way to break up with Helena Hodge and needs some advice. All Helena ever wants to do, he tells me, is talk about James. And whenever Peter gives her enough information about James, she permits him to kiss her. Now even I think that Peter deserves better. Peter also handed me a bulky bag, which I later discovered had my shoes in it. I don’t know how Peter got them from Terry Heaney, but he says that Terry is pretty angry about it. I am going to make sure they are thoroughly cleaned before I wear them again.

I will continue to take my shoes off in the common room or by the lake or whenever it strikes my fancy, no matter what Beatrice says, because I have a perfect right to. I should not have to keep my shoes on to prevent them from being stolen; the thief is the one who needs an attitude readjustment! Life is unfair!

I saw Potter looking over at Peter and me several times during class. He seemed annoyed. Maybe it was jealousy! It serves him right for sending me flying all over the castle. I know that I pretended to be in pain yesterday, but this afternoon he Summoned me again in the Great Hall and I hit my hand off a glass jug. I’m thinking about hunting down Potter and begging him to stop, but I doubt he will. I’ll ask Emily to ask him, they seem to be getting along well now.

If Emily and Potter ever start dating, I will kill them both. Just a thought.

---

Padfoot is back in the Hospital Wing. I didn’t even know his rash had come back. He says it’s merely a relapse and that he’ll be out in no time at all. I gave him his mirror so I can keep him company tonight.

Peter keeps tossing me funny looks. I suppose I’d better talk to him, as well, especially since I saw him hanging around Evans today. He knows he’s not allowed near her! Dunno what he was thinking, this goes well against that promise he made me. The common room might soon have two toilets.

My birthday is in a week! I’m nearly a man. Dead exciting.

Astronomy in twenty. I’m planning to tell Cummerbund that my cat ate my assignment. Lately Algernon’s been quite keen on eating parchment for some reason. This had better not be more rebellion about that stupid toy.

Moony advised planning out in advance what I want to tell Evans. I think this might be worse than doing it on the spot. All my brain keeps coming up with is: “Do your feet hurt? You’ve been running through my mind all day. Also, you’ve been wearing someone else’s shoes.”

---

Astronomy is in twenty minutes. I had made up my mind to ask Potter if he will kindly desist in Summoning me and give me back the photos, but I decided against it. I doubt he’ll be bothered listening to me because Black is back in the hospital wing and Potter might be keeping him company with those stupid mirrors of theirs. I am going to move my telescope and sit with Peter tonight. We came up with a plan to get rid of Helena. Peter reminded me that Helena is a very jealous person and as I have already had run ins with her due to Potter, we figure that if Peter and I spend enough time together, she’ll get mad and dump him. Genius plan, Lily.

Emily just told me that she will speak to Potter about the Summoning and photos during Astronomy, so I won’t have to. I can’t believe I thought earlier that she and Potter were getting too close. She is on my side, after all, and would never go behind my back with Potter!

And Potter isn’t really mine anyway, is he?

I’m depressed.

Friday 21st March

Wormtail is betraying me yet again! The scoundrel. He and Evans were cozying up next to each other during Astronomy, likely to make me jealous. (It worked.) I’m dead tired of Evans toying with my emotions. I consulted Sirius about via mirror, and he said I should give up on her and date someone else, or no one at all. I pointed out that I wasn’t dating anyone now, and also that Remus gave me exactly the opposite piece of advice. Padfoot counter-pointed out that Moony’s been right so frequently lately that he’s bound to be wrong soon. I saw no immediate flaws in his logic, and as such, I am now scouting for possible replacements. I’m quite upset that I had to break my vows about waiting for Evans, but I’m nearly seventeen. I can’t wait around forever, I have needs!

Algernon actually had the nerve to eat one of my assignments. Flitwick didn’t believe me, and I now have detention on Monday for lying. Dead unfair! In any case, I have sent an Owl Order for the new toy. He’d better not break it too quickly.

Possible Replacement Evans:

Valerie Turpin – Nice shoulder blades. Doesn’t talk too much, but has blue eyes.

Wendy Wilde – Friendly, but high-maintenance and has brown hair.

Marjorie Deacon – Spotty cow. No.

Bonnie Grogan – An inch too short. Also, she is not Evans.

I think I need a new list.

---

I had a long and rather illuminating conversation with Remus and Peter today, and I have made some decisions regarding Potter. I like Potter, really like him, and if his friends are correct, then he likes me. I mean, he must like me in some way for him to have snogged me outside Charms! And that was only a week ago (feelings can’t change in a week, can they?) and he has been flirtatious ever since…. I mean, there’s a chance, isn’t there? So I have decided to stop beating around the bush. I am going to get him a nice birthday present and just tell him how I feel. Not face to face, Merlin no! I’ll write him a letter, I think.

Peter and I have put our plan into action today. He sat beside me at breakfast and lunch and we’ve started passing notes to each other in Herbology. Mostly the notes say mundane things, like ‘What do you think we’ll be having for dinner?’ and ‘Do you really think this will work?’ but Helena is not to know that, is she? I asked Peter after Herbology what Black and James think about his plan, but he said that he hasn’t told them yet. He mumbled something about getting James’s permission and ran off.

Karl and Beatrice are back together. They were snogging during lunch and Professor McGonagall gave them both a detention for it. Beatrice was moaning that she’s seen plenty of other people snogging before who haven’t gotten detentions, but I’m with McGonagall on this one, they were being disgusting.

Oh, James, if only you knew that you’re all I think about, you might put down that bacon, cross the common room and ravish me senseless, like you should be doing. He hasn’t paid much attention to me all day, I wonder why that is. Although his cat did vomit up bulky pieces of parchment earlier, so that could be distracting him.

Potter,

I know that I’m always saying that you’re a stupid, pompous arse, and you might think that this means I don’t like you. The thing is, you are a stupid, pompous arse but I think I might be in love with you, so...... Why don’t we give it a go?

No, no, no, no, no! That will hurt him more than anything else, I sound like Karl!

Saturday 22nd March

The next time I see Peter in rat form, I’m calling Algernon over. He’s been hiding as much as Moony was last week because he feels guilty. He must think me thick, the twat, if he believes I haven’t seen him passing notes with Evans. Padfoot and I have agreed not to talk to him anymore. The sound barrier is back up.

Sirius says he’ll be out of Pomfrey’s care tomorrow, and then he and I will go hunting for a Replacement Evans.

Greta Catchlove – Charming, but smells vaguely of cheese.

Camelia Pinkstone – Flouts authority, which is rather a turn-on, but also has pink hair, which is weird.

Winifred Barnes – She’s back from St. Mungo’s now, and the boils on her ears are barely noticeable.

I hope Padfoot can come up with some better ideas. I’d ask Moony, but I’ve deliberately forgot to tell him the plan as I think he might be heartbroken that I took Sirius’s advice and not his.

Edwin Edwards is about to get thrown off the Quidditch team because he refuses to turn in a Divination assignment where he has to predict his own death. He hasn’t shown up for detentions, and Professor Forsooth has taken it to the Headmaster. The rest of the team and I are going to force him into a classroom until he finishes it because it’s too late in the season to go looking for a new Beater. I even offered to predict it for him. My favorite was death by undercooked bacon.

---

I talked to Peter in the common room today about our plan. We have informed Remus of our decision and he wasn’t very supportive of it. He thinks that it would better for Helena if Peter just told her the truth, but diary, we all know how Helena can get. I still have a mark on my arm from where she burned me. Thinking about the mark spurred me to ask Remus about his dittany, but he says that it has not been recovered. Then he left, because Beatrice saw us all talking and made our way over. And I had wanted to ask Remus about what present to get Potter!

I asked Emily to ask Potter what he would like, ideally, for his birthday and she has gone to do that now. I have plenty of money in savings and I am prepared to spend a little bit more on him than I did on Remus. Emily rolled her eyes when I told her, but after all, I am not in love with Remus, am I?

Potter,

If you were ever thinking of acting out any of your sexual fantasies, I am perfectly willing to fulfill them for you. Unless they involve a third person, because I find that idea incredibly sickening. Other than that, I am completely open-minded and very flexible. I bet Winifred Barnes can’t put her legs over her head!

Sincerely,

Evans

No, no, no, I am not a harlot!

Sunday 23rd March

I don’t understand. Why isn’t The Rat happy with Helena Hodge? She’s decent enough, once you get past all the stalker habits. Persistent, that girl. That’s a good thing most of the time. I expect their relationship won’t last much longer if she catches up to the rest of us and sees The Rat and Evans practically sitting on top of each other during classes, the traitorous fiends.

Padfoot set my list of Replacement Evans on fire without even reading it. He said the title alone proved how ensnared I was in her web of temptation. I was a bit pissed off because I’d forgot who was on it overnight. The only name I could remember was Winifred Barnes, and that might only be because I tripped over her feet in the Great Hall. I talked about it with Sirius and he agreed it was probably my best bet, as I already have a history with her. He also volunteered to look up Charms to make her ears look normal. He said it’s what best mates are for.

Remus saw us whispering in the common room. I think he might know something’s up because he wouldn’t leave us alone. It’s almost as though he doesn’t trust the two of us. Padfoot and I are going to slip away in the Cloak tonight to further plot.

It seems that I’ve more admirers than I’d previously thought. Wood asked what I wanted for my birthday, and I told her chocolate. There’s no question that I could best her boyfriend in a duel, but I’d rather avoid a showdown all the same. Chocolate seems like a friendly teammate gift.

---

Potter,

I’m single, you’re single, and you can do addition, can’t you?

Evans

Good one, Lily, seduce him with your mathematical prowess. You stupid, stupid girl.

Emily told me that Potter wants chocolate for his birthday, so I told her to ask him again. I’m not getting him chocolate, anyone could give him chocolate! I was hoping for something more personal. I might ask Black. Or not, I don’t think that asking Black is a good idea. He’ll run off and tell Potter. I’ll ask Peter. I wonder where he is.

---

Potter and Black are plotting some kind of deviancy. I went down to the kitchen to look for Peter and didn’t find him there, so I headed back up to the common room and ran right into Potter and Black. They were covered in the Invisibility cloak, but it fell off. Black must have a real problem with me, because he stuck his nose in the air and walked off. That was, I thought, the moment to elaborate a bit on the plan, so I asked Potter what he wanted for his birthday (with the biggest smile I could manage, mind you!). He looked pretty pleased about it and told me that I didn’t need to buy him anything, and I thought it was going well, but then I asked him where Peter was and he walked off all annoyed.

What am I supposed to have done this time?!

Chapter Text

Monday 24th March

Another Birthday Wish from Dad this morning. I asked for another chocolate bar. I would’ve asked for something else were I not so depressed about last night. Padfoot and I were interrupted mid-plotting by Evans, who had the gall to run into us. Long story short, she got my hopes up and then dashed them away again by throwing her flirtations with The Rat in my face. Web of temptation, indeed. It only strengthened my resolve to move on with the plan.

Of course, life was against me. I tried to track down Winifred Barnes after Charms, but she was nowhere to be found. I asked some of her friends, but none of them would tell me where she was. Dead strange. I poked my head into the Hospital Wing, but she wasn’t there, either. She even missed dinner! My Remus voice said I should give up, but then Sirius came up behind me and said we should find another girl. I’ve made another list, one I will not hand over to Sirius.

The New and Improved List of Replacement Evans:

Maxine Goodwin – Two years younger, but does have ginger hair, even if it is too orange.

Isabella Marks – Plays Quidditch for Hufflepuff, older. Has weird knees.

Donna Pickford – Plays Quidditch for Ravenclaw, but as Beater, might be stronger than I am.

I despair of finding a Replacement Evans by my birthday.

Edwin Edwards has finally been convinced to do his Divination assignment. Thank Merlin for Eira Hubbard, although I pity her. I would never stick my tongue down his throat. I’d be too afraid of choking to death on his absurdly long tongue. Now that’d be a way to die.

Tuesday 25th March

I spent some time with Emily and Rob today, in between classes. I am beginning to tire of always being around Beatrice and Karl. I think that Emily may have regretted my presence and I know I did. She doesn’t get much time alone with Rob, due to their differing houses. They’re a very nice couple, far less fucked up than Beatrice and her boyfriend. Karl has been going on about the giant squid lately. He wants to know what its hobbies are and if it can speak.

Somebody was throwing quill nibs at me in Herbology again. I thought I saw Potter chucking them at one point. Why on earth is he suddenly so annoyed with me? I hope he doesn’t think I like Remus. I was sitting with him and Peter yesterday and Potter kept glaring at us. Shit, shit, shit. Although it may have been Helena. I think she suspects something. It was mean of Beatrice to hex her eyelids shut today, though. And she could have done without the crusty warts.

Potter,

Giving you this letter instead of talking to you face to face is not very Gryffindor-ish of me, but perhaps you can understand why, given the past few weeks. The thing is, I really, really fancy you and I hope that you still like me. And that maybe we could, you know, do more of what we did outside Charms the other week on a more regular basis.

I swear on Merlin himself that this isn’t a joke. I am completely serious.

Lily Evans

P.s. If you are having trouble making up your mind, I should just remind you that I can put my legs over my head. How many girls do you know who can do that, hmm?

That is the best it’s going to get, I think. I’ll copy it out again, and perhaps change the ‘Potter’ at the top to ‘James.’

Edwin Edwards and Eira Hubbard are snogging in the corner. Eurgh. I could never let Edwin Edwards put his absurdly long tongue in my mouth, I’d be afraid of choking.

---

I would be utterly lost without Sirius Black. Today we debated Camelia Pinkstone versus Bonnie Grogan versus Isabella Marks, and Bonnie Grogan came out the winner. I confronted her before Herbology, but she didn’t seem keen on it. I think she may know of my history with Evans, and therefore understand that she is a Replacement. Sirius then pointed out that Isabella Marks likely has no idea of my motivation, so tomorrow night I’ll drop by the Hufflepuff common room on the way to the extra Chaser practice. (I’m hoping the sight of me in my gear will be enough to woo her, as I used up all my best lines on Evans.) I’m dead glad Austine Kempton is leaving next year. She’s a good Chaser, but she’s far too bossy considering she’s not captain.

These past couple of days Remus has been content to let me and Sirius alone, but today he told us during dinner that he wanted to know what we were up to. I didn’t want to lie to him, so I walked away under the pretense of going to the loo. Remus is clever, though, and I probably didn’t fool him. I really just have to avoid him until I’ve got a girlfriend, as then it will be too late for him to do anything.

I hope The Rat falls down the stairs and dies. He was scurrying about the common room today alone. If life is fair, which it isn’t, Evans will have broken his heart by leaving him for the Giant Squid.

Algernon’s abilities are improving. I asked for some fudge and he brought it straight away. I like to imagine this is his way of wishing me a happy birthday.

Wednesday 26th March

I’m now dating Isabella Marks. It wasn’t hard, really, probably because I look so dashing when I’m playing Quidditch. Sirius accompanied me to the Hufflepuff common room under the Cloak for moral support. Awkwardly, Bonnie Grogan was the one to let me in. I got away as quick as possible, but it was worth it because I now have a Replacement Evans. Isabella and I didn’t get to chat much, as I had to run off to practice, but I’ve just come up to shower and change before running back down to meet her. This is a huge load off my shoulders. Now I can stop obsessing over Evans, and I can start speaking to The Rat and Remus again. Plus, I’ve made my deadline!

It has just occurred to me that Isabella will not have a present for me tomorrow morning. Maybe I’ll ask her for a good snog because she does not need to go to Hogsmeade for that.

---

Potter is in his dorm, so I can’t put the letter up there until he leaves. That way, I’ll know what he thinks tomorrow. I’ve amended the letter so that it also wishes him a happy birthday.

Helena Hodge was crying today in the girls’ bathrooms. I thought that it was Myrtle at first, but I saw that it was her when I went to investigate. She wasn’t happy to see me at all. In fact, she tried to remove my nose, but once I subdued her, I managed to get out of her that (like I expected) she thought that I was having an illicit affair with Peter. I’m ashamed to say it, diary, but I took pity on her and promised her that I wasn’t. She talked to me for a while, and I eventually got her to agree that it was unfair and unkind of her to use Peter for information on James Potter.

To cut a long story short, diary, Helena Hodge has started to fall for Peter Pettigrew. She really doesn’t want to lose him. She has even promised to stop talking about Potter if he doesn’t break up with her. I told Peter, and he was delighted! Huzzah! So our plan can cease. The last I saw of them, they were walking hand in hand towards the grounds. Peter says that he can’t wait to tell James, he says that he will be delighted to have finally lost his stalker.

Speaking of James, I couldn’t think of what to get him for his birthday, so I’m going to leave him a packet of fudge with the letter, along with a written promise to get him whatever he wants once he’s made up his mind (within reason).

Professor Slughorn indicated another Slug Club party in Potions today. He also made vague references to some kind of competition that will be happening after the Easter holidays. I hope it’s not another one of his ‘win a box of crystallized pineapple’ theory quizzes, because I’ve won four of those and they always look half-empty.

Potter just left his dorm with Black. Remus may be up there but it’s not like he’ll be bothered. Here I go!

---

I’ve made a huge mistake. Have spoken quickly to Remus about it, turns out I am the world’s biggest fool. Crap crap crap. Who knew Evans could put her legs over her head? Am utterly confused, must sleep on it.

I wish Remus had let Algernon eat the note.

Thursday 27th March

I’ve been in the common room since seven in the morning because I could not sleep. I don’t know why I’m so nervous about James Potter of all people. I hope Algernon didn’t eat the letter or anything. Everybody is being strange with me. Peter came down about ten minutes ago and dashed off, presumably to look for Helena Hodge. And Remus is over by the fireplace, but he is determinedly avoiding my eye. I know that everybody does not consist of Remus and Peter, but they are some of the few people who matter right now.

Crap, I bet Potter isn’t interested. You are the world’s biggest idiot, Evans.

I HAVE TO GO RIGHT NOW! Sirius just came down the stairs and started imploring all of the girls in the common room to line up, because apparently he is going to surprise Potter with seventeen birthday kisses. I must es- Potter is here! I’m making a run for it!

---

I hate Potter. I despise Potter. At the next available chance, I am going to club Potter over the head. I am going to remove his eyeballs. I am going to kick him so hard in the crotch that he and Isabella will never, EVER be able to procreate. I am going to push him off of the Astronomy Tower tonight. I am going to shave his hair off and post it to the Queen. I hope he chokes on the fudge. I hope Algernon gives him rabies. I hope he falls off his stupid broom during the next Quidditch match. I hope that he gets trampled to death by a horde of angry elephants. I hope that a dove flies down his throat and removes his trachea. I hope his toes fall off. All in all, and more than anything, I sincerely hope that when Potter dies, I am around to witness it.

I’m going up to my dorm. I don’t want to talk to anyone right now, not even Emily.

---

I want to die. Suicide plan is on stand-by.

I couldn’t sleep last night, perplexed as I was, so around three I woke up the other Marauders, even Peter, whom I have since forgiven because it turns out it was all a ruse. Remus knew, too, the… well, I don’t know. Everything’s a bloody mess. After an hour’s worth of discussion they all concluded it was my choice whether or not to proceed with Isabella or to ditch her for Evans. Friends are useless sometimes. Before heading back to bed, Sirius whispered in my ear that he thought I should pick Isabella. Then Remus came over and said I should forget anything Sirius said. Then Peter gave me a bar of chocolate, which was probably the best advice all evening.

On the way to breakfast I still had no clue what to do, and stupid Sirius tried to make me feel better by manhandling all the girls in Gryffindor to line-up to kiss me. I refused all of them, as the one girl I wanted wasn’t there. Once I’d escaped that horror, things only got worse. Isabella was waiting for me in the Great Hall, and her hello was a forceful-but-nice-and-passionate morning snog. It was quite enjoyable, I just wish I hadn’t been so depressed. I also wish Evans hadn’t seen it, as that made my decision for me. (Plus, Isabella really should have asked first. It’s only good form.)

I didn’t want to lose both girls, so I let Isabella sit next to me while I opened my gifts. I can’t really remember what I got – the whole morning’s hazy, hazy with my guilt and melancholy. Evans skipped all her morning classes, so I skived off Arithmancy to find her. I don’t know what I was thinking, really. I found her via the Map in the Owlery, but as soon as she saw me she was shouting at me to get out. I tried to shout over her voice that I was sorry, and that I’d get rid of Isabella if she really wanted me to, but I doubt she heard me.

Even Algernon hates me. I’ve no idea where he is. I’m alone, miserable, and I’ll get a detention for missing class.

Happy birthday to me.

Friday 28th March

I’m just back from Astronomy. Ten minutes early. I’m ten minutes early because I started crying like an idiot and had to leave, feigning illness. Bear in mind, diary, that I haven’t cried for many, many months before this. I am Lily Evans. Lily Evans does not cry, she stands up for herself and seeks revenge. Which is what I will do, as soon as I’ve gotten some sleep.

I hate that Potter saw me crying, I think it’s quite possibly the worst thing that happened to me all day. The good thing was that Beatrice walloped him over the head with her telescope as hard as she could before I left and made him cry, too. Serves him right for making stupid puppy dog eyes at me over his map of Venus’s moons.

I’m sure that he and his friends had a great laugh over the letter last night. I’m not talking to any of them, not even Remus.

---

Algernon returned with more haggis last night when I asked for some bacon to cheer me up. He must sense my desire to move on to the next world. Today was almost as bad as yesterday. At least today I didn’t make Evans cry. Beatrice hit me, quite rightly, and I refuse to let anyone heal it. I deserve it. I could’ve gone forever without seeing Evans cry, especially because I made her do it.

I was not aware how into public affection Isabella was before today. I thought yesterday was a special event, considering it was my birthday and we’d been dating for all of twelve hours, but oh, how I was wrong. And how foolish! Luckily I was able to break away from her to go to Quidditch, and there’s no way she could follow me there. I even brought up extending practice for a couple of hours. No one was interested, likely because it’s Friday.

Have written an owl to Mum telling her I’m coming back for Easter hols. I couldn’t stand to be here for two weeks with Isabella and see Evans moping about.

I’m dead depressed, but I have to say, snogging Isabella has a mild cheering effect because she’s quite talented with her tongue. She also has some very good points about the Tornadoes’s Seeker. Something positive about this, at least, but overall it is a very negative situation.

In case I do die from the haggis: ‘I’m sorry, Evans.’

Saturday 29th March

Potter has spent the last two days rubbing it in my face that he prefers Isabella Marks to me. He has, diary, the perfect right to turn me down and maybe he even should have, considering some of the things I’ve said to him in the past, but what he’s doing now is worse than any insult I’ve ever thrown at him. He is just constantly snogging her, right in front of me. Sirius Black finds the whole thing hilarious, he keep snickering and shooting looks at me.

Potter cornered earlier me when I left the bathroom and tried to start a conversation about something, but then his pricky little girlfriend came over and mutilated his stupid ugly face again, so I left. Not that I would have listened to him anyway, but I had been about to hex him into oblivion.

Emily and Bea keep saying that I should hold my head up and pretend that I’m not bothered about it, but I don’t see why I should. Potter knew for a long time how I felt about him, he let me kiss him twice, he flirted with me and he bloody well snogged me outside Charms! In short, he led me on and he is fully aware of it. So I’m not going to pretend that I’m not hurt, because I have been. And I told Remus as much too, when he tried to talk to me. He could have told me that Potter was going to ask Isabella out, Peter could have told me, but they didn’t.

Beatrice is being wonderful about this, as is Emily. They have both ceased talking to any of Potter’s friends, and Emily is rebelling against him during Quidditch practice. She’s not trying to injure him or anything, but she’s not listening to a word he says and that’s a blow to him, because she’s his best player (She is!). And Karl! Karl is being magnificent. His insane theories and statements are a welcome distraction lately. Also, he agreed with me that I shouldn’t go around pretending to be happy and carefree. As he says, ‘If you’re sad, be sad, yeah?’

Potter has just entered the common room, and therefore, I’m leaving.

---

Leaving tomorrow for hols. Thank Merlin, is all I can say.

Wormtail, whom I might point out apparently has the best luck with women of the lot of us, asked why I didn’t just break up with Isabella. I tried to explain, but I couldn’t. I don’t know why I haven’t, or why I feel I won’t for a bit. Maybe I’m still testing out Sirius’s theory? Peter might have a point, though. I chatted with Sirius about it, and he pointed out quite accurately that even if I did break up with Isabella, Evans wouldn’t have me now. Remus couldn’t help but join in the conversation from his bed, and he said it would at least help my future chances. He seemed more irritated by my relationship with Isabella than I’d have thought.

Oh no, Nick Crabtree has just brought me news that Isabella’s at the common room entrance asking for me. Probably wants to say good-bye. If it weren’t for Evans, I would gladly date Isabella. Too bad I can’t have them both.

All right, so I want Evans. Isabella is exactly what I wanted her to be, but more so than I signed up for.

I wonder if we have any poison at home.

‘I’m dead sorry.’

No. I am not going out on a pun.

---

Wormtail has just brought up the fact that full moon is this week. I’ll be at home! Double damn. Moony said he’d be all right with Padfoot and Wormtail, and that he won’t mind so long as I come back with a thoughtful, intelligent plan of action.

I’m bringing Evans’s letter home with me. No clue what I’m going to do.

Sunday 30th March

Potter left for the Easter holidays today. I had no idea that he was leaving until I saw him come down to the common room at seven in the morning with his trunk packed. It was awkward, because I was on my own, practically. There were a few younger students there, but his friends and my friends weren’t. I wanted to not say anything, but I really couldn’t help it. I was dignified, at least, even if I did humiliate myself again. I merely said that I didn’t understand why he felt the need to be so horrible to me when he knew how much I had liked him. I placed emphasis on the fact that I used to like him, which I don’t anymore. Except I do.

Beatrice thinks that I was a fool. She says that I should have turned him into a garden rake and stuck the rake down Isabella’s throat. But diary, it’s not Isabella’s fault, is it? Beatrice says that she’s going to find me a new man who is ten times better than Potter. It wouldn’t be hard to find one, but I think I’d be happier on my own. Beatrice is like a brick wall, however, so I might as well have been agreeing with her for all she cares.

I have forgiven Remus (after he swore on his life that he didn’t know anything about Potter’s plan to ask Isabella out), on the condition that he doesn’t mention Potter to me over the Easter holidays at all. Peter still hasn’t said anything, but I have technically forgiven him as Remus said that he also didn’t know. They’re nice boys. I honestly have no idea why Remus does not have a girlfriend. The girls in this school are crazy if they aren’t interested in him. Maybe I should try to find somebody with whom to match Remus. It could distract me from Potter.

Girls for Remus

Bonnie Grogan – I have been told that she likes him. Maybe?

Donna Pickford – No, she’s too freakishly strong.

Greta Catchlove – She smells of cheese, and I know Remus doesn’t like cheese. Definite no.

Camelia Pinkstone – I like her pink hair, but maybe she’s a bit too wild for Remus?

Beatrice – No!

Emily – Taken.

Me – It would be perfect if I wasn’t in love with Potter. But I insist upon liking the wrong people. Poor me.

---

Evans spoke to me today. I couldn’t think of anything to say other than I’m sorry, but if I said that I would’ve had to explain everything, and she wouldn’t believe me. She also implied she no longer cares for me. Maybe I will stay with Isabella. I do like her, and she’s never broken my heart or toyed with my emotions.

Mum was thrilled to have me home. Dad was happy because he said he liked having another man in the house. I told him how much I love my watch, as I realized I’d forgot to send him a thank-you owl in all the kerfuffle about Evans. It belonged to my grandfather. I miss him.

It’s been less than a day and I already miss my mates. (Can’t believe I’m missing full moon.) All I have is Algernon, and Mum refuses to let him muck about in the kitchen. No more bacon deliveries, and now I’ll have to go search for poison on my own. My life is shit.

Chapter Text

Tuesday 1st April

Sirius Black will never mess with me again.

I was in the Great Hall this morning, minding my own business, and he thought that it would be funny to come up to me and say, ‘You know James isn’t really going out with Isabella, don’t you? He really likes you, Evans.’

Well, he hadn’t even finished saying ‘April Fool!’ before he was hexed by no less than five people. Bea, Emily, Karl, myself and Remus. Remus!!! Remus was quite angry, actually. He told Black that he was going to write to Potter and tell him, but I hope he doesn’t do that. Potter would find it well funny. Anyway, when we’d finished with Sirius Black, he had a tail, tentacles, nostril hair and he could not stop dancing . And his rash is back. Fucking deserves it!

I love Remus, although not in a romantic way, sadly. Emily and I are going to scout for possible Mrs. Lupins tomorrow. Beatrice will not be notified.

Wednesday 2nd April

I am apparently going out with Karl Pilkerson, after a five second conversation with Beatrice that went like this.

Me: Maybe I should get a new boyfriend.

Bea: Cool. Take Karl.

Karl: Alrigh’.

If it was anybody other than Karl, I’d be really scared, but it’s fine. Beatrice doesn’t mind loaning him out for a few weeks (as long as it takes to make Potter see sense, she says, and I will freely admit, I am just doing this to piss him off. Now he’ll know that he didn’t fuck me up as much as he wanted to) and I’ll not be required to do anything physical with him. Karl says that he’d just like to have someone around who will listen to his ideas, and Beatrice says that it will take at least a month before that starts to make me feel suicidal.

So basically, Karl and I are going to be exactly the same as we are now, but we’ll sit together more often. I’m not sure how this is going to work.

---

Owl from Remus this morning. Sirius tried to pull some April Fool’s joke on Evans that pissed her off something awful. I wasn’t surprised that she was upset, nor that Sirius is back in the Hospital Wing. I am, however, surprised that somehow his rash is back. I’ve never heard of this rash’s equal.

I’m still confused as ever. I couldn’t even be bothered to pull a joke yesterday. I just lay in bed all day and enjoyed being able to do magic at home, but it wasn’t much comfort. I tried to start on my Transfiguration assignment. Even my favorite subject couldn’t pull me out of this ennui. I’m useless.

Thursday 3rd April

Day one of my nonexistent relationship with Karl has caused a bit of a stir in the school. Everybody is expecting Beatrice to get really angry with me for stealing her man, but Beatrice doesn’t care. I don’t even know how she and Karl stand right now. It doesn’t matter anyway, because she and Karl will always end up together. I don’t think either of them would ever be able to find another person on earth who could stand them for too long. I think that Beatrice is really happy to be able to have a few weeks off to concentrate on winning Remus over.

Will never happen, Bea!

Emily and I have narrowed it down to two people, Bonnie and Camelia. I am leaning towards Bonnie, as she is sweet, clever and pretty. I think that she would get along well with Remus. Emily has also heard a rumor that Bonnie turned Potter down for a date at some point, so I automatically love her.

Maybe I should ask Remus how he feels about this?

---

Dad is brilliant! At first I was dead mad when he barged into my room and Conjured a bucket of water to dump on my head, but now I’m glad he did. He dragged me down into the kitchen, gave me a cup of tea, and forced the whole truth out of me. There was a lot of back-tracking, as even I can’t keep it all straight. Anyway, the short of it is, I need to break up with Isabella. As Dad said, it’s unfair to drag her along, wishing she were someone else. And the faster I dump her (kindly, he stressed), the sooner Evans can start to forgive me for being such an utter twat. Genius, except that I’ll be without a girlfriend again for a while. Oh well. I suppose I went a year without one, I can wait some more. How long could it take me to get Evans’s forgiveness? A month, tops, I expect.

I’m not useless! And I will get Evans back.

I’ve started to compose a break-up letter to Isabella, but it keeps coming out wrong. I’m too excited about Evans.

Dear Isabella,

I do like you, but I like Evans better. Sorry.

JP

That one is going to Algernon.

Friday 4th April

Beatrice has a new theory about Remus. It is a theory that I have heard from Severus Snape before, and something that I do suspect may be true. I’m not writing it here, because I can’t ever risk losing this diary and having it read. Needless to say, I’m worried about Beatrice. I don’t know why she finds it sexy.

I must say, I love being Karl’s fake girlfriend. We don’t do much except sit together at mealtimes and talk. He just makes me laugh all the time. I’m actually going to miss him when he leaves school. He’s supposed to be studying for his N.E.W.T.s at the moment, but he says that he finds it hard to learn stuff he’s not interested in. And Karl is interested in some very diverse stuff.

I feel very sad today. I’ve felt this way for the past week, but I was rather hoping that it would have lifted by now. It’s getting better, though. I think that being removed from Potter is helping immensely.

Sirius Black got out of the hospital wing today. He didn’t say a word to me when he saw me. Respect at last. Wanker.

---

Damn, double damn!! How is Lily Evans dating Karl Pilkerson? I’m utterly lost. He’s such a round-headed moron! Evans can do so much better!

Remus’s letter has completely thwarted my good mood. I’ve arranged to go back to Hogwarts on the seventh. I will hunt down Pilkerson, and if he didn’t like having an orange for a head, we’ll see how he likes being a goat! Maybe I’ll ship him off to Africa to feed some poor family. Evans wouldn’t be keen on that, I expect. She’s so kind. Too kind, it seems, if she said yes to Pilkerson. He must’ve broken it off with Booth, and Evans has taken pity on him. Yes, that sounds like her.

All morning I was out practicing Apparition in the garden, so I didn’t get the letter until this afternoon. I tried to get hold of Sirius through my mirror, which I’d steadfastly hidden in my trunk all week, but he must already be off getting ready for tonight. Triple damn!!

I need to get back to Hogwarts. I was a fool to leave Evans alone in the castle with that many single (and apparently taken) boys. Honestly… Pilkerson?!

Dear Isabella,

Maybe if you Transfigured your hair ginger we’d have a chance at a future. Sorry.

JP

I will murder Pilkerson.

Saturday 5th April

Mum and I shouted a bit over breakfast. I want to go back tomorrow, but she refuses to let me leave on Easter. Bollocks to Easter, I’ve got to win back Evans!

Tried to shake off my frustration by Apparating around some more. Angry Apparition is, as it turns out, a bad idea.

---

Algernon brought in my toe during lunch and dropped it on Mum’s plate. She was not best pleased.

Sunday 6th April

Karl’s head has been charmed to look like an Easter Egg. He is perfectly fine with having his round head made fun of, as long as nobody squeezes it. Emily and Bea and I all gave him eggs, but he had forgotten that it was Easter. I have no idea why he thinks our classes have been discontinued.

Professor Slughorn is holding an impromptu Easter party for Slug Club members and their friends tomorrow. That means that I can invite Bea and Emily and Karl! Nick Crabtree will be there, and he is bringing Peter and his friends. Huzzah! It is starting in Slughorn’s office tomorrow night at eight. I think that Professor Slughorn is mildly disappointed that I am not going with Bernard, but one conversation with Karl will change this. Karl will end up famous one day, you see. Beatrice is bringing mistletoe in an attempt to woo Remus. Emily said she can’t be bothered to point out that it’s not Christmas, Beatrice is a woman on a mission right now.

Terry Heaney has started hanging around me again. I had almost forgotten him due to my Potter-angst. He asked me if I had changed my mind about letting him massage my feet yet. I said I would think about it. I am a bitch.

Remus just told me that Potter Splinched a toe off yesterday. I want to feel triumphant, but my gut instinct was worry. I need to toughen up.

Still sad, but I feel better every day.

---

Happy fucking Easter. I’m still stuck in my house. Last night I chatted a bit with Sirius via mirror. I told him about the plan, but he didn’t seem too happy about it. I made him put Remus on, though, which may have only upset him further, but it was worth it. Remus has promised to help me write my break-up letter to Isabella tomorrow! Excellent. Remus is dead good with words. Also caught up with Peter, who’s getting along well enough. Helena let him touch her breasts. Lucky sod.

Have looked up several hexes I intend to use on Pilkerson upon my return. Goat is not bad enough.

I let Algernon have my chocolate Easter Egg. This may have been a mistake, as he’s been looking a bit peaky ever since. I hope it wasn’t poisoned, that would just be too ironic.

Chapter Text

Monday 7th April

I’m leaving for the party in about five minutes. Beatrice’s supply of mistletoe has been ‘stolen’ from her, and is now in Emily’s pillowcase. I’m so glad that they’re coming with me! I’m wearing one of my new dress robes and I think I look rather pretty for once, actually. My mum was right all those times when she said that blue is my color. I feel quite good about myself, and I’m excited about later. It will be nice to relax with friends and know that Potter’s not about. Remus and Peter are going with Nick, although Black opted out of going (lucky for me). Speaking of both of them, they’ve been acting strange all day, like they know something I don’t. And Remus has been determinedly avoiding my eye.

I’m sure he’ll tell me why later. I think I can hear Karl calling me from the common room.

---

 

Back at Hogwarts! And Isabella and I are officially not together anymore. Remus dictated the letter to me before lunch, and then I signed it, Charmed it, and sent it with Algernon to the Hufflepuff common room. Brill plan. I would’ve delivered it myself, but I’m too eager to hunt down Pilkerson. Peter told me Slughorn was having a party, and this seems the perfect opportunity to enact my plan of wooing back Evans. Moony didn’t seem too keen on it, but I assured him my dad was all for it.

Come to think of it, I don’t think I ran this part past him, but I’m sure he would agree. I have to defend Evans from leeches like Pilkerson who exploit her generosity.

Pilkerson will rue the day he made a move on Evans. Am off to crash the party.

---

Plan did not go exactly as I’d hoped. I’m in the Hospital Wing with a broken arm, upside-down ears, and no toenails. More later, here comes Pomfrey.

---

Potter turned up at the party. Nobody told me that he was coming. I didn’t even see him until I saw Karl blasting somebody with his wand. It was Potter. He attacked Karl for absolutely no reason and wrecked the entire party. Remus says that he did it because he’s jealous of Karl and came back specifically to win me over. Remus agrees with me that this plan was stupid and badly-timed. I am seriously angry. What right has Potter got to come barging into the party and attacking my fake boyfriend like that? He turned me down for Isabella Marks! He snogged me and then ignored me! He broke my bloody heart!

And why, if he really likes me as much as Remus is insisting, did it never occur to him to just break up with Isabella straightaway and tell me the real reason why he’d asked her out in the first place (I only found out that from Remus too)? I’ll tell you why, because he’s a lying bastard. I will never let Potter ‘win me over.’ Also, Karl is unbelievably good at dueling when attacked. I am shocked, but thankfully not turned on like Beatrice is. Eurgh.

It is barely half past eight, and like an idiot, I am about to go to the hospital wing to visit Potter, of all people. I have deliberately not changed out of my dress robes because I have to look brilliant, of course. I am not, however, going to be nice to him. I am going to tell him to go and fuck himself for ruining everything, and make sure he knows that I hate him for his unprovoked attack on Karl.

I also kind of want to see him again, and part of me wants to kiss him, but mainly I just want him to go and fuck himself.

I’m confused and miserable and really, really pissed off.

---

Evans has just been in to see me. It went much like this:

Evans: I’m beautiful and hate you forever. Go fuck yourself.

Me: I’m sorry.

Then she ran off. I don’t care if she hates me now, she can’t hate me forever. It doesn’t work that way.

Yes, I’m surprised by my optimism, too.

Tuesday 8th April

Yesterday might very well have topped my birthday in being the worst day of my life. It seems I severely underestimated Pilkerson, but I’ll show him yet. Next time I’ll bring Sirius with me, and Peter, if he’ll come. Remus hasn’t visited me yet, probably thinking I’ll come to some grand epiphany while alone in the Hospital Wing. (I think he’s sorely mistaken.)

Actually… where is Sirius? I don’t think he’s come to visit me yet. He barely spoke to me before the party yesterday, and now I realize I haven’t the foggiest where he is. I’ll send Algernon to fetch him, or if that fails, the Map.

---

Everybody is terrified of Karl and hitherto hidden powers of dueling. I happen to find it hilarious. Karl was utterly bewildered as to why Potter attacked him in the first place and even more bewildered when I told him why. I have told both him and Beatrice that our dating ruse is over, if only for Potter’s safety. Karl could blow him to smithereens. Ha. Ha ha ha.

I walked in on Peter and Helena getting a bit… handsy in the second floor girls’ bathroom. Peter made me swear not to tell anyone, but it’s not me he has to worry about, it’s Moaning Myrtle. I saw her spying out of one of the toilet cisterns. But good for Peter, I’m glad that someone is getting along well with their other half!

I going back up to see Potter and demand the photos of me back. This is part of my plan to ruin him. I’ll pay enough attention to him over the next few days to make him think he has a chance, and then I’ll pretend he does not exist. It will serve him right. Algernon has been hanging about for the past hour and trying to jump on my feet, so I can return him, too. First I am going to give Algernon a nice, big cuddle, though. I wish he were my cat.

Potter will give me the photos, or I will threaten to set Karl on him.

---

Potter says that he lost the photos. Lying wanker.

Wednesday 9th April

Owl from Dad. He wants to know how things are progressing. I’ll write back tomorrow because I don’t know what to tell him. Also got a short note from Isabella, who seemed a bit upset, but I think Remus’s words soothed her. He really would make a terrific boyfriend if he’d only get over himself. I think we’re all right, since she wished me better health.

Evans asked for her photos back, but I cleverly hid them in my house along with her letter. I felt a bit like Terry Heaney doing so, but at the time it seemed like the right thing to do. I was happy that she visited me twice in the Hospital Wing.

Algernon never returned with the Map, or with Sirius. Wormtail ended up bringing the former, as he didn’t know where Padfoot was, either. The Map said he was out by the lake for hours, so I figured he must be in one of his moods again. Once I stole away from Pomfrey I went out to find him, but he got cheeky, saying he didn’t know why I bothered to pay attention to him now. I pestered him about it for a while until he let slip it had something to do with his brother. Couldn’t get more out of him than that, but there’s no way I’m letting him end it at that. He brooded all during dinner, and snapped at Peter when he asked for the steak and kidney pie. Something is definitely up.

Not only does the girl I love hate me, my best mate is hiding things from me, and my cat has gone missing. I asked Wood if she’d seen him around Evans, as he loves her nearly as much as I do, but she said she hadn’t. He did look off-color when I sent him away yesterday….

---

Beatrice found the mistletoe in Emily’s pillowcase. She happened to find it during an argument between them concerning whether or not I should forgive Potter, when she picked up the pillow to throw it at Emily. She is now not speaking to her. So I have been spending a lot of time with Karl so as to avoid them. This is fun, but people still think that we are dating and keep asking Beatrice why she doesn’t hate me. I wish we had classes this week.

Terry Heaney asked me if I’d thought about it enough. I ran from the room, citing a need to use the bathroom. I decided to go hole up in the library instead, and I passed Black on the way. He looked really miserable. As much as I hate Black, I hope that nothing too bad has happened. Everybody knows that his family gives him a lot of grief. His younger brother is a little brat, in any case.

I could do with seeing Algernon today, but he hasn’t been around. I’m absolutely ravenous. I wonder if I could teach him how to eat Potter’s hair clean off his head. Or bring him poisoned food, or at least something laced with Amortentia so that he’ll fall in love with Algernon and I’ll be asked to keep the cat away from him for his own safety. And that’s why you don’t break my heart, Potter!

I wish I could talk to my mum about Potter. I miss her. It would have been her 42nd birthday on Saturday. I might buy her something anyway.

I think I’m going to go to the Prefect’s bathroom and have a nice, long bath.

Thursday 10th April

Things are permanently ruined, I think. I finally managed to corner Evans outside the library this morning. I asked her if she’d forgiven me yet. She has not, and she shouted a bit, then stormed off, saying something about how I’d yet to even apologize, which is bollocks. I was making good progress, though, nearly had her talking to me civilly. I made to chase after her, only to be interrupted by Edwin Edwards, who said he’d found my cat curled up in the third-floor bathroom. Algernon wouldn’t wake up, so he’d run all over the castle looking for me. I was very tempted to forget about Algernon and finish talking to Evans, but he’s my cat, and I couldn’t. I followed Edwards back up to his dorm, where he’d wrapped Algernon in a blanket. I owe him one.

Kettleburn is on holiday this week, so I brought Algernon to Slughorn, the only other person I knew had experience with him. He was dead surprised, of course, and didn’t want to help me after I’d caused that ruckus in his party. I persuaded him by hinting at some crystallized pineapple in his future. He said he’d do what he could, and I’m to go back tomorrow.

At dinner I tried to tell Evans about why I’d given up, but she was having none of it. I can’t believe I picked someone else over Evans again.

I’ve detention for the next week and a half. Some from the party, some from this afternoon when I turned Charlene Stebbins’s shoes into stone and threatened to toss her into the lake. She had it coming, bothering Sirius like that. The more he broods, the more she stalks, the psycho. He doesn’t need more on his mind right now.

---

Potter asked me this morning if I had accepted his apology. The thing is, he never apologized to me at all. I reminded him that when I went to visit him in the hospital wing and told him to go and fuck himself, he asked me if I thought his hair looked good. He said that it’s his way of asking me if I’d forgiven him yet. I wanted to say yes, but my pride intervened and I stormed away with suitable haughtiness. He followed me for a bit shouting his apologies but then he walked off with Edwin Edwards without so much as a backwards glance. So much for wanting to ‘make things right between us.’

I think I might do something for my mum’s birthday this Saturday. Not have a party or anything, but maybe just do something special with my friends (if they have started talking again by that time) to mark the occasion. This will be the first birthday my mum’s had since she died. I think it’s going to be strange. I could write to Petunia, but I doubt she’d bother to reply. I might send her a letter anyway, and let her know that I’m thinking of her. She’s lucky she has Vernon to keep her company. The only person I want to be around is James, and you can see, diary, how well that is going. Maybe I should just forgive him. I don’t think it’s worth it to feel this crap all the time. I’m sure Saturday would be easier to bear if I had Potter to distract me.

I almost forgot, patrols tonight with Remus. Vera is such a disorganized Head Girl. I hope I get the job next year. I could kick her arse at Head Girl-ship.

Friday 11th April

It’s official, then: Regulus Black is a Death Eater. I managed to persuade the story out of Sirius after breakfast. Regulus flashed his Mark to him Easter morning. I suppose he turned sixteen a couple of weeks ago, but that seemed very quick. I listened to Padfoot rant for a bit about stupid worthless brothers who still need their parents to wipe their arses, and tried to convince him that it wasn’t his fault. It really isn’t, Regulus is a dumb sod who loves pissing Sirius off. Padfoot is only letting him win by moping about, I said. That seemed to perk him up.

I feel dead awful for Sirius. I can’t imagine having to go back to that sort of home for the summer. Must send an owl to Mum tonight. Last summer I barely saw Sirius at all, thanks to his sodding mother. I won’t let her lock him up again.

Stopped by Slughorn’s office, but no news yet. If Algernon dies… I don’t know.

Couldn’t bear to look at Evans today. If I didn’t have to help Sirius I’d off myself.

---

I sent James off with a letter to Petunia today, just to say hello and ask her how she is doing, but again, I don’t think she’ll write back to me. I haven’t actually spoken to her since the funeral and she was really frosty with me. I also tried asking Beatrice and Emily if they will spend all of Saturday with me, but they’re still refusing to talk to one anther. What great, caring friends I have, eh?

I saw Professor Slughorn with Potter’s cat today. He is ill, apparently. I hope Algernon doesn’t die. I’d miss giving him cuddles in the common room and talking to him until he falls asleep on my lap. He was a nice, comfortable friend to have, and you know that Algernon would never talk about you behind your back. Because he is a cat. This just goes to show how stupid and unhinged I have become lately.

Remus and I got talking during patrols last night and I was reminded of my vow to set him up with someone. He asked me not to, very nicely, it’s true, but there was a definite hint of steeliness in his voice. He is not keen on the idea. It’s such a pity, too, because if I could just make myself fall for him, I think we’d make a lovely couple. Poor me. Poor Remus. Poor girls of Hogwarts, they are missing so much.

Helena Hodge has taken to writing Mrs. Helena Pettigrew all over her books and bag, or so Wendy Wilde tells me. I was sorely tempted to ask Wendy how her nails are, but I desisted.

I have an insane urge to go and jump in the lake again. I shall ask Karl if he wants to come with me.

Saturday 12th April

First thing this morning I pounded on Sluggy’s door. He said Algernon had been fed an Elating Elixir, and then reprimanded me for continuing to feed my cat potions. Algernon will be fine, once I let him rest up a bit. He’s under the bed right now, where he belongs. I’ve given him my best blanket and his favorite squeaky toy. Later I’ll pop by the kitchens and fetch him some tuna.

I quilled another letter off to Mum, asking if she’d tried to give me potions on Easter. I realized I’d forgot to send a letter to Dad about Evans, so I sent a separate note to him. This only reminded me of how I don’t deserve Evans because I’m so stupid as to pick my cat over her.

Tonight Sirius, Remus, Peter and I are all sneaking into Hogsmeade. I have to swing by Honeydukes to get crystallized pineapple for Slughorn, and maybe something from Zonko’s for Edwards.

---

Happy birthday to Mum.

After spending two hours this morning trying to make Beatrice and Emily reconcile, I gave them up for lost. Especially Beatrice, she is annoyed because she saw Remus hugging me earlier. But he was just being nice because I was/am upset about mum. I don’t want to talk to either of them anyway, they’re being selfish. Surely they should be able to put their differences aside just for today? I have been forced to stay down in the common room to avoid them tonight, but I don’t care. I like being in the common room this late, because there aren’t many people here and I can have a good cry if I want to. Potter and two of his friends came out of their dorm a while earlier wearing that stupid cloak of his, and they snuck out. Like anybody cares where they’re going! I couldn’t tell who the other two pairs of feet belonged to, but I could definitely make out Potter’s loud, obnoxious voice. Normally I would feel curious, but not today.

I might sleep down here tonight. This chair is comfortable. If Algernon were here it would be perfect.

Sunday 13th April

Falling asleep down here was not a good idea, as it happens. My neck hurts. And my shoes are missing again. I would hazard a guess that whoever took them left this bar of chocolate in my lap, perhaps as a trade. Terry Heaney is insane.

I am still going to eat it, though.

---

Last night was brilliant. I was able to forget about Evans and my cat, Sirius was able to forget about his stupid brother, and Remus was able to forget… well, all of his problems. It turns out Evans was also trying to set him up on a date, but she wasn’t clever enough to keep him from finding out about it. Wormtail, of course, has no woes at the moment. Things with Helena are grand. Lucky, lucky bastard. We all got a bit pissed, even Sirius. The rest of us are all of age, and we ordered some for him. He was charming enough to Rosmerta so she didn’t bother him about drinking Firewhisky. No more Transfiguring Butterbeer into alcohol for us!

Moony asked why I’d shut up about Evans. I said I’d realized I didn’t have a chance with her and that I didn’t deserve her, picking something as lowly as my pet cat over her. First he started to say something about how I didn’t understand her, but then he said he’d be better suited to discuss it in the morning. Didn’t happen. I’m hoping he forgot because I’m not in the mood to talk about Evans. Last night I gave her a bar of chocolate while she was sleeping as an apology. Not a very good one.

Can’t believe we’ve got classes tomorrow. I still have to finish my Potions essay, and I feel I can’t half-arse it after Slughorn helped me out. Going to him may have been a mistake because he’s the sort of bloke to call in favors. On the upside, Quidditch will start up again. I made Sirius come out to the pitch with me so I could practice my Sloth Grip Roll. He could’ve played for the House team if he could be arsed.

Oh, Algernon, if you were feeling better I’d have you bring me bacon, but for now I’ll go fetch some for the both of us.

---

Classes start tomorrow! The promise of having something for my brain to chew on other than Potter and my lack of parents is really cheering me up. Also, Emily met me in the Great Hall with a plate of toast and told me that she was sincerely sorry for how she acted yesterday, she says that she only remembered this morning that it was my mother’s birthday. I should have told her yesterday, I suppose, but I didn’t want to guilt my friends into making up again. Emily and I have vowed to spend more time alone together, as she is always with Rob and I have been spending increasing amounts of time with Karl lately. It would be suspicious if I was capable of ever having romantic feelings for Karl, but honestly, sometimes I wonder how Beatrice brings herself to kiss him without laughing.

I am going to spend today catching up on any homework I may have forgotten to do (although I don’t think there’s any) and looking over my next textbook chapters. Professor Hallosheth hinted at a test before the holidays. And of course, Professor Slughorn will be giving us some kind of quiz on Wednesday.

The chocolate this morning was delicious. However, I simply cannot allow Terry Heaney to feel like this entitles him to take my shoes. I am going to confront him about it once and for all.

Tomorrow, maybe. I mean, there’s no point in rushing these things, is there?

Chapter Text

Monday 14th April

Several strange and good things that have happened today (so far).

-Beatrice and Emily have made up. I was there to witness the conversation and I am much happier now that I can sit in the Great Hall with both of my best friends. We celebrated by dancing to no music during lunch. Everybody was staring at us, but we didn’t care. How rebellious of us. Tonight we are going to have a big catch up talk, and they are going to help me find a way to overcome my Potter problem. Just having them both here for me is making me feel better.

-Classes have started again. I have never been so happy to see Professor Flitwick. He and Professor Banoub gave me Os for the essays I handed in before Easter and Professor Binns gave me an E. Huzzah! Flitwick also told me that he thinks I would make an excellent Head Girl.

-I got a letter back from Petunia! Granted, it wasn’t very much, but she said that she hoped I was doing well and that she’s getting along fine with Vernon. It wasn’t brimming with good wishes or proclamations of love, but it was a letter, at least. Progress is progress, as they say. Although I’ve never heard that said before.

-My friends and I have decided to make Lake Day a monthly event. It was raining today, but we’ll manage it somehow!

-Peter Pettigrew is walking around the school and whistling like a bird. He is also grinning rather stupidly at everyone. I am going to ask him what’s what later on.

-I haven’t thought about Potter as much!! This is the best news of all!

---

I can’t believe it. I am utterly stunned. Peter Pettigrew, Wormtail, that short little bloke with the watery eyes, has lost his virginity before all of his friends. How is this possible? He told us this morning on the way to breakfast. Sirius asked how it was, and Wormtail said it was good enough, as apparently it was nothing new to Helena. Naturally I wanted to know who else would sleep with her. According to him, they have a very honest relationship, and have discussed such matters. (Strange, I think.) The only name he would tell us was Terry Heaney, and this may have been the most shocking news all morning. That’s two people whom I know to be considerably less attractive than me, and they’ve both had sex. With the same girl, but still! At least I can console myself by saying I was the one who suggested he date Helena Hodge.

Letters from Mum and Dad arrived this morning. Mum denied any accusations of mood-altering substances, too vehemently for me to believe, and it’s the sort of thing she’d do, slip some to me in chocolate. She did say it was certainly all right if Sirius came and stayed with us for the summer. I told Padfoot as soon as I’d read it. That certainly cheered him up. Can’t wait for end of term now, summer will be brill.

Dad’s letter was shorter. He said something about how I need to grow up and be more responsible before dating seriously. I dunno, I don’t think I did a good enough job explaining what’s going on. I feel mature enough. Well, I’d feel more mature if I did what Peter did, but to get there I need to have a girlfriend, so it all comes back to the same thing. Probably could do to talk to Remus about it. Sharp bloke, that one.

                                                                                               

During lunch I glanced over at the Slytherin table. Snape had the same look about him this morning that Regulus had a couple of weeks ago, that same strutting arrogance, thinking he’s better than everyone else for wearing that stupid snake on his arm. He disgusts me.

I love Quidditch. If I didn’t fear for my body’s health as much as I do, I’d go professional.

Tuesday 15th April

Peter and Helena engaged in the act of fornication!

How do I know this? Because he told me. Why did he tell me? Well, I guess he was trying to make me vomit. What does this mean? It means that the world has gone crazy. Helena Hodge has taken Peter’s virginity. Yes, taken. Apparently she has ‘dunnit’ before, with Terry Heaney. Peter says he can’t believe that he is the only non-virgin out of all of his friends. Even Potter.

I have only one word to say about this, and that word is this: Justice. Sweet, unerring justice. Sweet, unerring, ego-battering, soul-shattering justice. I hope it tastes nice, Potter.

Peter swore me to secrecy, so I only told Beatrice and Emily about it. Emily and I were shocked, but Beatrice wasn’t. She merely wondered where they had chosen to do it. She wants me to ask Peter, and asked me if he knew about the Room of Requirement yet. That, she says, is where she and Karl go to do it. She thinks that it would be prudent to let Peter know.

I will have it stated here, diary, that I have known for a good few months that Beatrice was getting up to those kind of shenanigans with Karl, but I still never wanted to hear her say it. I got a cold shiver, I’ll admit. It’s not nice to think about your friends doing that, is it? I cleverly averted from the subject by asking about this mysterious room. Apparently there is a room somewhere in the school that turns into whatever you want it to. You have to walk past a certain tapestry three times and a door will reveal itself to you. Beatrice and Emily and I are going to sneak out tonight and find it. I am so unbelievably excited. I have never prowled around the school at night before, not unless I was patrolling.

But who prowls whilst patrolling? You can’t. Prowling is only for people who are up to no good. Which I shall be, later. Ha. Ha ha ha.

It is nice to feel cheerful again after the past few weeks.

Thought about Potter ten times today, but six of those times were preceded by his entering the room, so they don’t count. Yay me.

---

If Algernon were in better health, I’d have him bring me some arsenic. Peter, apparently fortified by his new manliness, has taken to talking about sex with Helena. All the bloody time. It is beyond disgusting. And it’s stupid because he’s done it all of once, although he says they’re going to give it another go this weekend. Kill me now, thanks.

Had a good chat with Remus after Transfiguration (and after I’d apologized to McGonagall for destroying two and a half desks). I mentioned my Dad’s letter, and he partially agreed. He admitted that he’s always thought it weird how I obsess over Evans even though I don’t talk to her all that much. I said when it comes to love, you don’t need to speak. He thought this was dumb, and as soon as I’d said it, I thought so, too. I still wasn’t convinced I was up to Evans’s standard, but when he asked who was, I couldn’t think of anyone else. He pointed out that if I got to know her a little better, perhaps I would be better suited for her. I’m giving this suggestion some thought, but… well, I don’t want to make her cry again. That was the worst.

Maybe I can convince everyone else in the school to stay clear away from her. Then I wouldn’t have to see her with anyone else. At least she doesn’t seem to be with Pilkerson anymore. Probably he was scared off. Oh no, what if she cried because he left her? Must talk to Wood about it tomorrow at practice.

All these detentions are bothersome. Today Sirius ‘entertained’ me via mirror by listing out all the places Peter and Helena could have had sex. I’m of the opinion it was the Shrieking Shack, but I did have to give Padfoot a good thumping on the head when I got back to the Tower. Revolting, repulsive, ugh.

Wednesday 16th April

Before I recount the day’s events, I have to put on record this conversation I had with Karl, because I am sure that it will continue to amuse me even when I am in the depths of despair.

Karl: The world is round, yeah?

Me: Yes, Karl, it is.

Karl: But… why doesn’t the ground feel curvy?

I think the entire Great Hall heard me laughing. I have certainly been attracting enough strange looks ever since. I had to hang on to Karl’s arm in an effort to stay upright on my seat. The boy is a genius. What will I do without him next year?

Last night, we snuck out to the tapestry and Beatrice was not lying, the Room of Requirement truly does exist. We had so much fun! It transformed itself into a huge swimming pool type room with slides and real waves in the water. And then afterwards we played Potter darts. It’s like normal darts, only with a picture of Potter as the dartboard. Fun for all the family, Emily says. She doesn’t know how she’s going to keep a straight face at Quidditch practice this evening.

Speaking of Potter, Slughorn set us a task today, making a Franchenhaus Fusion. The mystery prize at the end was revealed to be, not a box of crystallized pineapple, but a vial of Felix Felicis. I remember he was going to give some of it away a few months ago, but Sirius Black ‘accidentally’ blew up the cauldron and ruined that plan. Just because he knew he’d wrecked his own potion. Anyway, Potter won, as luck would have it. Professor Slughorn was disappointed; I could tell that he was hoping for me to win it. I’m sure I would have but I couldn’t concentrate, what with curved ground and Potter darts and Beatrice whispering in my ear every five minutes about how sure she is that Peter is an animal in bed. I couldn’t stop laughing! We ended up destroying whatever it was that had been in my cauldron in the first place. But I don’t mind, because I’m busy being happy!

I’m sure Severus would have won, had he not been in the hospital wing. I was told he broke his leg or something. My sympathy is limited.

---

Positive: I won Felix Felicis in Potions. Yes, my own intellectual prowess astounds me. Honestly, Franchenhaus Fusion? We picked that up fourth year. There’s still a stain in the Great Hall, right at the end of the Ravenclaw table. No clue what I’ll do with my winnings, but it’s nice to have. I’ve hidden it under the bed with Algernon’s belongings for now.

Negative: Evans was all over Pilkerson again today. Off-putting.

Positive: Padfoot and I bested Snivellus in the corridor today, and we didn’t even get caught! Justice, for once.

Semi-Partial-Negative: Talked to Wood. She refused to give details about Evans’s and Pilkerson’s relationship, but she did say I shouldn’t be concerned about it if I want to make a move. I should, apparently, be concerned about making a fool of myself. This is nothing new from her, though. She doesn’t quite understand my brilliance, except on the Quidditch pitch.

All in all, positive day. I’m feeling better, Sirius is smiling, Peter’s swaggering, and Remus...all right, he’s normal. That almost makes me think something must be wrong that I’m overlooking. Must consult with Remus and see if all is really well in his life.

Have just remembered that Apparition tests are this weekend. Double damn! Off to practice.

Thursday 17th April

Peter and Helena got down to business in the second-floor girls’ bathroom, apparently. I am disgusted. What kind of man/boy brings a girl to Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom to make love for the first time?! Romance is truly dead. I think that I would dump Peter if I were Helena, just for that. And I, as anybody who knows James Potter will attest, am not fussy, but it is the height of disrespect to expect your girlfriend to do that in a smelly loo while a wailing old ghost watches you. Beatrice and Emily agree. Even Karl thought it was a bit sick.

And why does Peter keep telling me these details? Why, moreover, does he always choose to talk to me about it when I’m trying to eat?

I have ordered three new pairs of shoes from Gladrags today, because I’m too afraid of Terry Heaney to confront him. James has been sent off to get them because they don’t operate with their own owls. I am rather worried that James is not up to the task, he’s not a very big owl and he’s never carried a package before, but I didn’t want to insult him by picking a school owl. Thinking of James always leads to thinking about Potter, naturally, and it’s just occurred to me that I haven’t seen his cat in ages. I might ask Potter about him in Astronomy. There’s no law against my enquiring about Algernon, is there? I love him almost as much as Potter does, and I miss him. Algernon, not Potter. Although I might miss Potter a little, but I’m sure that it’s just because I haven’t had a proper kiss since the angry one in his dorm and I’m craving physical affection. It doesn’t sound like me, but it can’t hurt to listen to Beatrice every once in a while, can it?

Remus sent me a note in Transfiguration today, saying that he needs to talk to me about something. I hope that everything is ok. Astronomy is in ten minutes, so I’ll try to have a word with him then.

---

Word is that Terry Heaney has stolen Evans’s shoes again. I know it wasn’t Peter because he was probably off sleeping with Helena (gross as that might be). Tonight after Astronomy Wormtail and I are going to sneak into the third-years’s dorm and give Heaney his just desserts. I’ve been forbidden from Transfiguring people into animals and inanimate objects, but I’ve been perfecting my human Transfiguration. I’ll only offer to reverse the spells if he hands over Evans’s shoes and swears never to even look at them again, the pervert. It feels right to be defending Evans from the dregs of Hogwarts, even if she isn’t really speaking to me.

Speaking of, Remus might possibly have had a point about how well I know Evans. Today I realized I don’t know what color socks she has, only shoes. A sad gap in my knowledge about her. At least I know her owl’s name.

Algernon is loads better. Today he brought me some biscuits. I wanted treacle, but I was willing to settle considering he’s still recovering from my mother’s madness.

Apparition in two days. No time to practice today, but I’m hoping to squeeze in some time before Quidditch tomorrow. I’m dead good at it now, but it never hurts to perfect.

Out of sick, morbid curiosity, I asked Peter if he and Helena got busy in the Shrieking Shack. He said no, but then said it might be a better place than where they do it now. That made me not want to know where they currently have sex, if that’s an improvement, and also made me want to find somewhere else to practice Apparition.

Tried to ask Remus what was troubling him during lunch, but he’s mastered the art of changing subjects. I think I need to get him drunk. Perhaps a celebratory toast after the tests on Saturday?

Friday 18th April

Apparition tests tomorrow! I wish there was somewhere that I could have some extra practice, but alas, no. I’m pretty confident that I can do well, though, so I guess I’ll just have to keep my fingers crossed tomorrow. Karl says that it’s easy enough to pass the test, although he failed it the first time. He Splinched himself. They fixed his head right in the end, but his hair never grew back. Poor Karl.

Remus and I talked in Astronomy last night. He wanted to talk about Potter, surprisingly. He says that he has been trying very, very hard to get us together, but he fears that Potter is too pigheaded and daft to really understand what needs to be done. So he asked me (the cheek of him) if I would consider trying to be friends with Potter! He is sure that if Potter gets to know me, he won’t go around making such a pig’s arse of things. I told him I’d think about it.

I think not, Remus Lupin. Ha ha!

Not unless Potter makes the first move, anyway. I am not going out of my way for that delinquent fool, no matter how good of a kisser he is.

There are people laughing very loudly in the common room downstairs. Time to investigate?

---

Things always seem to go well, and then something happens to fuck it all up. Second only to Evans crying is Evans terrified for her life. Sirius keeps telling me there was no way I could’ve known Evans was afraid of clowns, but that only proves Remus right – I don’t know her well enough. If I could just Obliviate her, only of this morning when she walked in on us laughing at Heaney, then I think I would be in a much better position to make friends with her.

McGonagall ruined my threat by Untransfiguring Heaney. She also gave me several nights’ worth of detention with her, supposedly to ‘knock some sense into me.’ I have a bad feeling these will include lectures about things like ‘responsibility’ and ‘common sense.’ I’ve enough of both, thanks.

I’m confident I’ll pass tomorrow. Why shouldn’t I? I’m quite the wizard, after all.

Wood wouldn’t talk to me during Quidditch. I don’t blame her, but it made it dead difficult to practice the Porskoff Ploy. She got even more upset when the Quaffle hit her in the eye.

---

I will not be able to sleep tonight, or ever again.

I hate Potter.

Saturday 19th April

Passed! Passed with flying colors! I didn’t even Splinch a hair. Professor Twycross said that I was near perfect. I was one of the first ones to manage it, too! I’m so proud, and I feel like celebrating. I think that today should be Lake Day. I will ask Beatrice and Emily what they think. I am sure they won’t mind celebrating. Beatrice passed too, and Emily will, once she turns seventeen. The bruise on her eye has turned yellow, the poor girl.

Potter didn’t pass. I was near him during the test and I Apparated before I got the chance to see him try, but Remus says that he didn’t. He also implored me, once again, to talk to Potter. I told him that I did not care for Potter any longer, but he just gave me this knowing look and walked away. I hate stupid Remus and his stupid knowing looks. Stupid know-it-all.

I will ask Potter about Algernon, I think. That way, I’ll make Remus happy without going against my principles. Everyone’s a winner.

Peter has just run out of the common room like his pants are on fire. I bet he is going to have sex with Helena again. I feel sick.

Terry Heaney gave me back my shoes, just as James was getting back to Hogwarts with my new ones. Irony at its best, I suppose. I couldn’t look at him without shuddering. I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared in my life. I would hex Potter’s unmentionables off if he hadn’t been trying, in some sick, stupid way, to defend my honor. Also, I feel rather sorry for him, due to the Apparition and all. First Peter loses his virginity before him, and than Apparates before him. It must be a real blow.

Ha. Ha ha ha.

---

I will fucking kill Severus Snape. This morning he must have slipped me a Distracting Draught or something because I couldn’t focus at all. Says a lot for my so-called friends that they didn’t even notice. Sirius says he thought it was nerves. I should not have told them about my Easter practice, it seems. During the test my Determination was utterly fucked, and I Splinched my right foot. Snape leaned over me as I lay on the ground in agony and smirked. Oh, how he smirked! It was then I knew it was him, no doubt revenge for the last time we crossed wands. My vengeance will be swift and wicked. It’s unfortunate that so far all of my plans end in his murder.

Strangely yet joyfully, Evans talked to me today. It was only to ask after Algernon, which was weird, but the conversation did not end in either of us pulling wands, so I consider it a success. It went much like this:

Me: Oh, hello.

Evans: Yes, I know, I’m stunning. It’s too bad I only came over here to ask about Algernon.

Me: My mother accidentally poisoned him, but he’s better now.

Evans: And now I stalk off haughtily and sexily!

And she does walk sexily. I hadn’t noticed before, which is surprising.

Detention with McGonagall on a Saturday night. She said it would teach me character, which is bollocks – I’m already brimming with character. Would’ve broken out the mirrors, but I may have pushed McGonagall to her limits. She watched me like the cat she is as I filled out ‘character case studies.’ There were a whole bunch of scenarios, and I had to explain what I would do and why. Then she’d point out the supposed flaw in my logic. Dead boring and frustrating. She doesn’t understand my thought processes, she said. As if that’s my fault! Can’t believe I’ve two more nights of this.

Peter is gone. I don’t want to know where he is.

Sunday 20th April

I talked to Potter last night. It wasn’t a long conversation. It went like this:

Potter: Oh, hello.

Me: Hello. I just came over to ask how Algernon is. I haven’t seen him lately. Is he ok?

Potter: My mother tried to brutally murder him with an Easter egg, but luckily I knew the exact recipe for the antidote and I whipped it up in a jiffy. So now he’s absolutely fine. In fact, he’s even better than he was before the whole affair. Evans-

Me: Thank you. Goodbye.

I thought I was quite friendly, actually, even if I did cut him off. Remus doesn’t think that it was enough, he says I came off as being haughty. I asked him how exactly I was supposed to act around the boy who rejected me for a snaggle-toothed Hufflepuff and turned my stalker into my worst nightmare. He told me that I could at least try to be a little nicer. I assume he means that I should start holding Potter’s bloody hand in Astronomy and throwing myself at him in class again. Will not happen. I give Potter a week to actually try acting like he wants to be friends, and then I’m washing my hands of the whole affair. Why does Remus care so much, anyway?

Lake Day was not yesterday, as suggested, due to a sudden downpour. It will be happening tomorrow afternoon, instead. The Prophet reports that the weather tomorrow will be sunny. Karl will be joining us, and I’m sure Peter and Remus will, too. A lot of people joined in last time, so it should be good.

Peter has reported that he has begun using the Room of Requirement to know Helena. Potter darts is out of the question until I know that that place gets scrubbed. I don’t care what it turns into for Peter.

---

Isabella Marks found me outside the Great Hall today, wanting to know how I was doing. I said well enough, considering life is conspiring against me. She laughed. I’m dead pleased I broke things off with her, if she can’t see the way I am a salmon, swimming against the current, accompanied by my flock of salmon friends.

Another detention with McGonagall, another two hours wasted. This time there were no assignments, just an ‘informal chat’ between a Head of House and her student. Bollocks. She just wanted to know why someone as smart as I am ‘is wasting his life away on mastering goat Transfiguration.’ I told her it was useful at the time, and fun, but this didn’t go over well with her. Apparently I should be focusing on what I want to do with the rest of my life. All I want to do is play Quidditch, see my friends lots, and marry Evans. The last one she approved of, although I got the feeling she was laughing on the inside.

Hah, have just remembered my Career Advice session from last year. I didn’t know (still don’t), so I said I wanted to be a frog when I grow up. She threatened to turn me into one if I didn’t tell her what I really wanted. I then learned how boring it is to be a frog. And she wonders where I get the inspiration to turn people into animals.

Chapter Text

Monday 21st April

Lake Day!

It was just as fun as the first one, with the added bonus of finding my shoes in the exact spot that I left them. Beatrice almost drowned trying to claw her way over to Remus, but Emily is quite fast with her wand and managed to withhold her, giving Remus ample time to escape. Beatrice said that whenever she sees his scars glistening in the water, her mind goes blank. I never thought that I’d hear anything as disgusting as Peter’s descriptions of sex with Helena, but this has gone and surpassed even that. Beatrice needs to be locked away somewhere. Potter got in the water this time, too. He is a surprisingly good swimmer.

Sirius Black stayed safe on the grounds, because he is a dried up, boring old shit.

Emily and Rob went on a walkabout after we were all swimming (and I include about thirty other people in that ‘we’), so Bea and I sat under the oak tree and practiced our spellwork while Karl went searching for the Giant Squid (he didn’t find him, incidentally). We made our Patronuses race and mine won, but that might just be because mine is a doe and Beatrice’s is a goose. Mine would be naturally faster, wouldn’t it? They caused quite a commotion actually, everybody was really impressed with our (may I say it, rare?) ability. I don’t know why Potter started pointing and elbowing Remus in the ribs, though.

I wonder what Karl’s Patronus is, if he has one. I am desperate to find out. It has to be better even than a goose. I’ll ask him tomorrow.

Nothing much else happened today. Remus asked me again about Potter, but I informed him of my deadline. Potter has until Friday to act like a normal human around me at least once.

Still no Algernon. I miss him. And the food.

---

The current is lessening! Evans’s Patronus is a doe!!! If this is not a sign we are meant to be together, I don’t know what is. It was a good day in that I got to know her personality better (as in, it is completely complementary to mine), and I got to see Evans prancing about without a robe again. Remus and I discussed friendly, neutral topics I could bring up with Evans. My salmonhood is apparently not one of them. He suggested bringing up Algernon, and also said something about salmon going to Hogwarts.

Sirius, Peter, and I spent our free period plotting ways to get back at Snape. Too many of them have a corpse at the end.

Last detention with McGonagall. She told me straight out that I need to grow up and be sensible. It turns out I was only made Quidditch captain in the hopes of forcing me to be more responsible. What utter rubbish, I’m plenty responsible. Look at Algernon! I’m daftly responsible enough to pick him over the love of my life. I launched into an explanation of it, but McGonagall was having none of it. She went on about how she’s at her wit’s end with me. I felt bad for her, but I didn’t know what to tell her. At least I got a biscuit out of the detention.

I won’t regret picking Algernon if he brings me treacle likes he’s supposed to.

Tuesday 22nd April

Remus told me last night that Potter is going to attempt to get to know me better. This can be the only explanation as to why he sat down next to me at breakfast and said absolutely nothing other than: ‘So your Patronus is a doe then, eh?’ When I said yes, he just grinned weirdly at me and carried on eating his scrambled eggs, stopping occasionally to wink covertly at Black and Pettigrew, who were sitting across from us. I had the strangest and strongest desire to drop my bowl of porridge on to his head, but I desisted. If this is Potter trying to win me over, I may as well let him amble on. Also, his hair looked very nice. Too nice, in fact, to be desecrated by porridge. I finished my breakfast before him, and I told him that I would be hoping to see Algernon later, if he felt like bringing him down to the common room. I smiled at him too. Proof for Remus that I am being nice. Pity he wasn’t there.

Peter was not in Herbology and neither was Helena!! EURGH! Also, Professor McGonagall kept shooting me strange and pitying looks in Transfiguration. I confess myself confused.

Karl does not have a Patronus. Beatrice and I are going to teach him how to do it. I bet it’s an egg, or something.

---

Success, yet again! Evans and I had a short but pleasant conversation about Algernon. Her owl James is getting on well. I learned she loves bacon, too, which felt like a win for our future. I was tempted to tell her about my Animagus form in the hopes that learning we are meant for each other would prompt her to throw herself into my arms. Even I know better than that, though, especially when I would have to explain why I am an Animagus.

People are so convinced I’m irresponsible, but I, unlike Peter, have never skipped class to sleep with my girlfriend. Bollocks to those pessimists, I say.

Chatted with Sirius about the future. He also doesn’t know what he wants to do. We decided we should get a flat together once our NEWTs are over, but that was as much planning as we could come up with. We threw out Herbologists and Potions masters as careers. Something where we get to curse people would be nice, but we couldn’t think of a job where we get to do the damage, only undo it, which isn’t nearly as fun.

Speaking of hexing, we’ve narrowed down Snape’s comeuppance to two possible plans. I’m all for the coma one, but Sirius thinks it would be better to do it sooner than that. There are too many gaps in his plan, though. Peter came up with solutions to several of them, but I remain steadfast. My plan is worse, and therefore better.

Wednesday 23rd April

I saw Algernon last night. Potter brought him down to see me, and thankfully, he is learning to take hints, as he stayed with us and we had something resembling a conversation. I asked him how Algernon was doing, he asked me how James was doing, I told him that my owl is doing brilliantly, and then he asked me if I liked bacon. Sadly, I was not surprised by the turn in the discussion.

Apparently, Peter and Helena were caught ‘canoodling’ together during Prefect Patrols. They were caught by Stephen Laurie and Paul Parker, from fifth year. They both have two weeks’ worth of detentions. It serves them right, the randy little buggers. Are they just doing it all over the school now?! I thought that the Room of Requirement was sufficient for them? Beatrice says that I should be glad, because now I can use the Room with Potter. I hope she enjoys her dinner tonight. Ha. Ha ha ha.

I saw McGonagall in the corridor and she stopped to chat to me. She asked me if I had considered the possibility of being chosen as Head Girl, and I told her, of course, that I would love to be considered. According to her, as long as I continue in the same vein as I am now, I shouldn’t have to worry. She is still regarding me with that pitying look, like I’ve fallen victim to some horrible disease. What is going on with her?

40 days since I last kissed Potter. I’m just saying!

---

Schadenfreude moment today when Peter and Helena were caught getting busy in a place so horrific I refuse to write it down. Padfoot and I had a good laugh at the poor sods who found them. Serves them right for being Prefects.

More debate over revenge. I’ve drawn Remus into the fold so because I know he’ll take my side if I ask. I keep pointing out Sirius won’t have enough time to enact his plan since he’s only got a week and a half, whereas I’ve a couple of months to prepare everything. This will be the ultimate revenge. If he thinks it’s all right to mess about with my Apparition tests….

Another chat with Evans this evening after Quidditch. She went on about how she would run things if she were Head Girl. I think she’d make an excellent Head Girl based on enthusiasm alone. She’s dead responsible. I am, too, so we are well matched. I told her what McGonagall said about my captainship, but she laughed. I skillfully ended the conversation by saying I needed to go make a bacon sandwich, because that blow against my personality was uncalled for.

Thursday 24th April

I have decided to go all out in proving to Professor McGonagall that I would make a fitting Head Girl. I am going to spend tonight working out a plan and see what I come up with. Vera Clagg is a complete mess. She rarely ever schedules meetings, her patrol timetable is all over the place and she always forgets to send out the new portrait passwords to the other prefects. Roderick Maguire is just as bad, but I guess he just does everything that Vera tells him to. Couples should not be allowed to be Head Boy and Head Girl. It can only lead to chaos.

I talked to Potter for a little bit about my Head Girl policies last night, but I don’t think he was listening. He just kept smiling and nodding at everything I said, and then he ended the conversation by going to get a bacon sandwich. And didn’t even offer to get me one, some friend! Where is the chivalry in that?! And he’s supposed to be a Gryffindor, pish! Emily is annoyed with McGonagall for her slight on Potter’s Quidditch captain abilities. She says that Potter might be a few Sickles short of a Galleon, but he’s a bloody good strategist.

Karl asked me today if food tastes differently to different people. Diary, I didn’t know how to answer him. He wants his Patronus to be a beetle, and he won’t listen when I tell him that you can’t choose your Patronus, it’s a reflection of something in you that most people can’t explain. Karl then wanted to know why he couldn’t have a beetle inside him. I gave up then.

Gah, Astronomy. I’m not in the mood for it tonight. Too tired.

---

Woke up with an amazing idea. After breakfast I marched up to Dumbledore’s office and convinced the gargoyle to let me pass, then told the Headmaster straight out that I should be Head Boy next year. He was a bit surprised, but I explained how McGonagall had made me Quidditch Captain to make me more responsible, and that had worked – to an extent. Clearly the next step is for me to be Head Boy, I said. I’ve got dead good leadership abilities, and I know the ins and outs of Hogwarts better than anyone, save for probably the Headmaster himself. He said he’d take it into consideration, and that I might very well know the school better than he did.

I feel less like a salmon every day. Can’t wait to tell Evans I’m Head Boy next year.

Friday 25th April

Astronomy was undoubtedly strange. I had what was, I think, the strangest chat with Potter ever. It went like this.

Potter: Hey Evans, Evans?

Me: What, Potter?

Potter: Guess who’s just been made Head Boy for next year?

Me: Who?!

Potter: Me.

Me: (After a lot of gibberish and half-formed questions and blank stares) How do you know that?!

Potter: A little birdie told me. Nice map you’ve got there.

Then he winked at me and turned back to his own telescope. The world has gone mad. I am going to talk to McGonagall about this posthaste.

---

I caught up with McGonagall coming out of a fourth-year Transfiguration class. I asked her why on earth Potter had already been given the Head Boy title. She didn’t speak for a while, but then she asked me if I thought it was a good idea. I don’t, but I don’t want to go slagging Potter off to Professors, so I said I did. Then she asked me if I had accepted any food off Potter lately. Once we asserted that I have not been given any kind of mind-addling substances by Potter, she informed me that Potter was probably lying in a bid to impress me. Apparently, he is pretty certain that he and I are going to get married. She suggested that somebody give Potter lessons in the art of wooing a girl. I wholeheartedly agreed with her.

It seems that I am lucky to have missed out on one of Potter’s bacon sandwiches. I am going to point out his deliberate and foolish lie as soon as he gets back into the common room. I am most put out with him. At least McGonagall got a good laugh out of it.

Not much else to say, the day was rather Potter dominated. That is worrying, very worrying indeed.

---

Evans accused me of lying about Head Boyship, so I told her she could go and ask Dumbledore if she was so sure. As if I would lie about something like this. Word has apparently spread because McGonagall called me into her office after Herbology. I told her what I’d told Dumbledore, but she appeared more worried about it than he did. At least, I pointed out to her, it would help me in my goal of marrying Evans, and doesn’t she want me to be happy and aid me in achieving the few ambitions I do have? I think she was happy enough that I’m going after anything, so she said she’d put in a good word with the Headmaster. Head Boyship is mine!

On the downside, plan to become Head Boy had unexpected side-effects. Sirius is convinced I’ve lost my mind, Remus is sure I will change my mind within a week, and Peter is happy because he thinks I’ll be able to erase any detentions he get for being out with Helena. Bollocks to all of them! I know what I want. Her name is Evans.

My soon-to-be title is already affecting me: I felt more like Quidditch Captain than ever at practice today. May have gone overboard, as Wood dumped water on me afterwards and whacked me on the head. Practice makes perfect, I suppose.

Saturday 26th April

Potter had the nerve to tell me to go and ask Dumbledore about his stupid lie. As if I would! And look like a fool in front of Professor Dumbledore, of course. I’m sure that’s his plan. But I’m too sharp for you, Potter. Oh, ask Dumbledore, indeed!

There is one thing that I can’t bring myself to let go. At what point, I wonder, did he tell McGonagall that he wants to marry me? Because that might imply that is feelings for me are…strong? In existence? Maybe I should bring it up out of the blue, to embarrass him.

I have already started writing out basic patrol schedules, but I obviously can’t do anything concrete. But I have figured out the knack of making sure that everybody gets an even rotation. Vera has this habit of making the fifth-years do everything, which is really unfair to them. Roderick should stand up to her and take control. They have equal titles, after all. And Headship is all about teamwork. I suppose Remus may end up Head Boy. Baxter Miggles would be a good choice too.

Hopefully the job won’t be given to Oswald Fitz, because I know full well that he’ll just try to take charge, and he couldn’t do the job as well as I could. Won’t do at all.

---

Dumbledore called me into his office today to say that he’s asked around, and he’s only heard good things about me. (A minor surprise. He has not talked to Evans, I take it.) I told him if I was Head Boy, Lily Evans had to be Head Girl because she knows what she’s on about. He smiled and said some more things that I forgot, as I was distracted by some weird puffing instruments in his office. Probably not important. The only thing that matters is I’ve got Headship with Evans next year. Huzzah!

Padfoot gave in today – we will be following my plan. All is as it should be. Even Algernon is more amenable, he brought me extra crispy bacon today.

Also, I think Helena may have broken Peter’s heart. He won’t come out of bed to talk to us about it. The rest of us have decided to ambush him if he hasn’t got out by nightfall.

Sunday 27th April

Surprise, Potter wasn’t lying. Professor Dumbledore called me into his office today and asked me if I knew anything about Potter’s seemingly sudden desire to become Head Boy. Why he wants to discuss Potter’s abilities (or lack of) with me, I have no idea. He thinks that James has all the qualities that best befit a Head Boy, but is not sure whether or not he is mature enough to handle such a title, or whether or not he wants this job for the right reasons. I didn’t want to agree, diary, but I couldn’t bring myself to lie to Professor Dumbledore. I did, however, remind Dumbledore that even if Potter is looking for this job for the wrong reasons, he might rise magnificently to the occasion and surprise us all if he is given the opportunity to do so. Dumbledore says that while he remains unconvinced, he will certainly consider it.

But then Dumbledore said this, he said this, he said this (!!!!!!!!!):

‘Your friend Mr. Potter is particularly firm in his conviction that you should be Head Girl next year, and I must say that I am rather inclined to agree.’

I am not to tell anyone (with the exception of Potter, I suppose), as Professor Dumbledore is not supposed to be choosing Head students until summer, but it seems like I have the job!! Success!! Success!!! I am Head Girl, and I’ve been given the job four months early, all thanks to Potter! I may sexually assault him when I see him again. Or at the very least, give him a hug. Head Girl! Me! I wish I could tell Emily and Beatrice, but they might tell their respective boyfriends.

Life is brilliant. I feel like I could love even Sirius Black today.

---

Helena Hodge is a tramp. According to Peter, she led him on, but was really only using him. Poor sod, but at least he’s done it, even if it was with Helena the Whore. Plans for Snape have been postponed in order to more immediately get back at her for hurting Peter. Even Remus is keen on revenge this time. Peter didn’t get out of bed until we literally dragged him out. He tried to dart away as Wormtail, but he can’t hide from us. He might’ve said something about not wanting us to do anything too terrible, but I don’t think he meant it. She’ll get her just desserts.

It seems the tables have turned: Peter may be heartbroken, but I got a hug from Evans today! She said she’s Head Girl next year. I’m not sure how that ended in physical contact, but I’m not bothered because any touch from her is exciting.

Another one of my relatives must have died. Letter from Dad this morning complaining I don’t tell him enough about my life, so I sent him an owl about Peter and Head Boyship. I mentioned it to Remus, and he said I probably shouldn’t tell my dad Peter’s having sex or my dad will get paranoid about me. I said my dad knows full well he’s nothing to worry about. I do, though, but in the opposite way.

Chapter Text

Monday 28th April

I wrote a note to Potter today, and passed it to him in Charms.

James,

I forgot to ask you before, but would you keep what I told you yesterday a secret? Please? I’m not supposed to tell anybody that I’ve been made Head Girl, at least, not until the summer! I’d really appreciate it if you kept it between us. Also, thank you for talking to Dumbledore about me. It’s partly due to you that I got the job in the first place. I owe you one!

Give my love to Algernon. Could you send him down to me sometime? Also, what’s this that McGonagall has said about us getting married? Is there something that everybody’s not telling me?

Lily

I realized afterwards that this letter was vastly different from the ones I’ve sent him in the past, as you, my diary, have proven. I forgot to address him as Potter, but it doesn’t matter. I’m rather hoping that he’ll read into it in the way I have intended.

Peter Pettigrew and Helena Hodge have split up. I feel sorry for him, but at least the students of Hogwarts can go to the toilet again without fear of contracting a disease. He can do better than Helena anyway. Bonnie Grogan, perhaps?

I feel like I have been neglecting my friends lately. Beatrice kept asking me why I hugged Potter and I think she knows that I’m keeping something from her. I can’t tell her, though, she has the biggest mouth in all the land! Emily, I think, would be better at keeping it a secret, but still… I don’t want to risk having Rob find out. Wendy Wilde will go bananas if she discovers that I have taken her coveted title from her. Ha. Ha ha ha.

---

Letter from Evans today! I’ll have to tell Remus not to spread word about her Headship, but more importantly, she owes me! And she asked me to spend more time with her! McGonagall told Evans of my marriage aspirations, and although this makes me want to punch her in the face, I also want to give her my bottle of Felix Felicis.

On the way to History of Magic I suggested giving Helena the Whore a disease. Remus said that would probably not bode well for my chances as Head Boy.

Speaking of, Dad also wrote to me today. He seemed dead proud that I’m Head Boy, but warned that I should be extra mature until end of term. He might know me too well, as he cautioned against drastic measures when it comes to Helena Hodge. Thought over it a bit, and I suddenly saw the logic in what Remus had said earlier. The solution Padfoot and I decided on is that he will take the fall. Remus said this was against the point, but I’m a man of principles: I can’t let Helena the Whore do that to one of my best mates.

If all goes according to plan, which I expect it will, not a one of us will be held responsible for Snape’s comeuppance.

Tuesday 29th April

Helena Hodge was talking about her new boyfriend in Herbology today. I think she’s lying, because she wouldn’t give his name, but that still doesn’t take away from what she’s doing. Vile little bitch. Poor Peter was trying not to look like he was bothered, but I could tell that he was. For the first time ever, I hope that his friends sort her out. I can’t believe I ever let her confide in me.

Potter brought Algernon down to me just a few minutes ago. Algernon, it seems, has gotten very lazy and has taken to spending most of his time under Potter’s bed. It is a habit that he should be taught to outgrow, I think. I asked him about the marriage issue but he skirted around it by asking me to elaborate on what I thought would sufficiently repay him for my nudge into Headship. I told him to use his imagination. And then I patted his knee. And then I got up and walked away. Oh ho, Lily Evans. You fiendish girl.

Emily and I had Patronus lessons with Karl today in the Room of Requirement, but we soon gave up. He kept getting distracted by all of the windows. Karl likes to look out windows. I couldn’t be bothered to ask him why. Then he started talking to Emily about the Woolongong Shimmy and I got really worried. Emily, on the other hand, didn’t look surprised in the least. Maybe she is mad too. I shall ask Rob if he has seen James handing her any bacon sandwiches.

---

Evans might possibly have come on to me today. I told Sirius, and he said I was probably imagining it, as usual. I wasn’t sure, so I asked Remus, and he said I had to figure it out on my own. He seemed quite touchy about the subject, actually. Still must think of a way to collect on that lovely debt.

Plan for The Whore has been reworked so none of us will be directly culpable. I’m sure she’ll guess it was us, but this is a much sweeter revenge. Serves her right, dumping Peter for that pervert Terry Heaney. Come tomorrow morning, he’ll never want to touch her again. In fact, no one will.

Started substance Transfiguration. Easy work. I wouldn’t be surprised if at some point in my life I did manage lead into gold.

Phase one of Ultimate Revenge has begun. Last night we put up defenses around the basement of the Shack to keep the cauldron safe from Moony on Friday night, should he get thirsty.

Wednesday 30th April

I talked to Beatrice, who said that I might have come on too strong to Potter yesterday. She says that I should let him come after me, especially since I owe him some kind of debt. I still haven’t told her what for, so she has made up her mind to find out on her own. She says that I should keep asking him about the marriage thing, though, but not in an accusatory way. I intend to do just that.

Severus Snape tried to talk to me outside of Potions class, and once again asked if I had been giving any more thought to befriending him again. Two years ago I wouldn’t have thought our estrangement possible, but he’s very different now, diary. He is planning to become a Death Eater, if he isn’t one already, and he wears the label so proudly, like a medal. It’s sad, I suppose, but that’s how people change. He got pretty irritable and started going on about Potter and asking when the wedding was.

That, dear diary, is none of his business, and I told him that I am at perfect liberty to like James Potter if I feel like it. He went for his wand then, and I honestly thought that he was going to attack me, but lo and behold, it was Sirius Black who he was aiming at. Black witnessed the whole exchange, apparently. He told Snape to back off and then walked to Defense with me. We had a weird, stinted conversation in which he asked me if I was ok, and told me that I shouldn’t listen to Snape because Death Eaters are all psychotic. He knows this for a fact, apparently.

I guess this means that Sirius knows that I like Potter, but even Potter knows that. I’m more interested in why he suddenly decided to stand up for me. Maybe because he saw me being unkind to Snape? That is not the right foundation on which to build a friendship.

---

I knew I would regret going to Slughorn with Algernon. Today he held me after Potions to request my presence at the Slug Club meeting on Saturday, hinting back at the debt I owe him. I’m not one to ignore my debts, and I might need him again in the future, so I’m going. I know it’ll be awful, but I’m going.

Evans keeps asking about the marriage thing. Have decided admitting my desire to marry her might be a bit too much too soon, so I’ll keep avoiding the issue. Not denying it, because that would also send the wrong signal. I do want her to have my children. They would be unbelievably attractive and intelligent.

Helena Hodge was not at any meals. I suspect she’s trying to cure herself, but she won’t be able to. Hah hah, success! I had a short discussion with Evans about a new girlfriend for Peter. Somehow she seems to have developed a soft spot for him, but it doesn’t seem to outshadow me, so I’m not bothered. I think Charlene Stebbins might be a match, considering Peter’s last choice, and Evans is all for Nelia Newman, but we both agreed Marjorie Deacon is out of the question. Spotty cow.

Algernon has more or less moved permanently to the space under my bed. He’s getting fat from his laziness. No more bacon for him.

Thursday 1st May

Potter turned Helena Hodge’s skin into something akin to moldy bread. She looks disgusting, all pale with podgy green spots. I saw her today as I walked past the hospital wing. Pomfrey had pulled back her curtains for some reason and I got a good glimpse. She deserves it. I am proud of Potter.

There’s a Slug Club tea party on Saturday. Members only this time and no guests, so I’ll only have Nick Crabtree and a couple other Gryffindors to keep me company. Potter is always being asked, but he never goes, which is a pity, because Slughorn doesn’t bother to expand his office for the member only meetings. It gets very crowded, you see. People end up practically sitting on top of one another. Stupid Potter and his refusal to come. He’ll never see me put my legs over my head, at this rate.

I asked Karl when he wanted to have his next Patronus lesson, but he said that people never get anything done by planning, and told me to spring it on ‘im when he wasn’t expecting it. I came back five minutes later and told him we were about to have our lesson and he developed a mysterious pain in his tummy. Beatrice bolted over to give him a tummy massage. She makes me sick sometimes. I can’t believe that she’s not a virgin and Emily and I still are. It makes the mind boggle.

Not Astronomy again! Why does it have to always be at midnight!? Would one hour really make that much difference?

---

Letter from Mum. Uncle Charlus and his family are dead, murdered by Death Eaters. I’m dead depressed. No more tomfoolery with Marcellus at family events. I hope there aren’t any stupid letters about silverware from Mum. Who cares about goblets when my favorite cousin is dead? I can’t believe the Ministry are so inept at making progress against Voldemort. Talked to the others about it before Astronomy. Remus was feeling ill, unsurprisingly, so we were all huddled around his bed, pretending he was just tired. I love my friends.

Friday 2nd May

Peter told me this morning that Potter’s cousin, aunt and uncle were killed by Death Eaters. I have felt sick to my stomach ever since, and horrified, and oddly selfish, and stupid to boot. What right have I had to worry about Karl or classes or who Potter might have a crush on when people are being killed by Voldemort and my friends are losing their families? I mean honestly, who cares if Terry Heaney has been stealing my shoes or not? They’re just fucking shoes, aren’t they? James and his friends are nowhere to be found this evening, either. I know the reason behind Remus’s disappearance (at least, I’m 99% sure that I do), but it never actually occurred to me that his friends are always absent, too. I wonder where they go on nights like this? I suppose it’s not my business, but it’s something to think about.

Slughorn’s tea party seems so unnecessary now, but he’s plowing ahead with it anyway. I suppose Death Eater murders are ten a penny to him. I am sorely tempted to find him and slap him in the face, but of course, I will not. I am going to do something about the general attitude of this school when I officially become Head Girl. I am enraged with myself for being so ignorant about the whole thing, so bringing attention to my failings and the failings of everybody else is the least I could do.

James wasn’t eating anything during lunch this afternoon, so I sat beside him and held his hand until the bell rang. For the first time in quite possibly ages, it wasn’t an attempt to seduce him, either.

I’m going up to Potter’s dorm and I’m bringing Algernon down with me. I don’t like the idea of him being up there alone.

---

Full moon tonight. I’m still going, although I’m not sure I’ll be much fun. They’ll probably understand, though. Friends do that.

Saturday 3rd May

Still down about Marcellus, Dorea, and Charlus. Uncle Charlus always was smiling, and he had that great big bushy beard. Auntie Dorea could out-sing Brunhilda Carmichael. I hadn’t written to Marcellus in ages. He would’ve been at Hogwarts next year, too. I can’t believe scum like Regulus Black and Severus Snape are allowed around the school when they might as well have killed Marcellus themselves. Extremely, infuriatingly unfair. In the Shack last night I looked at the locked room and took heart, a bit. If only I could take down Voldemort as easily as I can Snivellus.

Evans has been dead nice about all this. She held my hand all during lunch yesterday, and she sat next to me during Slughorn’s stupid meeting. I reached for her hand today, and she didn’t mind. She’s so wonderful. Both her parents died (non-magical reasons), and she’s gone on without them. Strong, that one, and kind. I love her. I wonder where she’ll be spending the summer holidays. I wonder where she’s spent her past few holidays, actually. I think she has a sister….

Sunday 4th May

I have three nights’ worth of detentions, and McGonagall will probably tell Dumbledore that I should have my Head title stripped away before the next school year even begins, but I honestly cannot bring myself to care. It was worth it. I’d unflinchingly take worse. I didn’t even listen to McGonagall’s lecture when she dragged me up to her office.

I started a fight with Regulus Black. Not just him, in fact, but Mulciber and Avery and that stupid little Carrows bloke, too. It was Regulus who started it, though. I was walking by them (minding my own and infinitely more interesting business) and they started laughing. I’m used to that. I walked on. But then I heard the little shit mention Potter’s name and I lost my temper. I don’t even get that angry very often, but I just snapped. I had already Stunned Avery and Black before anybody else noticed what was happening. Mulciber carried off some weird little spell that hit me in the face, but it did nothing much other than cut me, so I cast a Full Body-Bind on him. Avery was the hardest, the bastard. We were still dueling when McGonagall caught us. She went fucking mad.

She kept asking me what came over me, but I couldn’t answer her because I don’t know. It was such a small thing to lose my temper for, but think about it, diary. Everything they have been doing since I’ve known them, every vile, evil, sickening thing they’ve done has been something small, little things like calling people Mudbloods or sending Trip-Jinxes at them or pushing them to the ground. And it starts like that, but it gets bigger and bigger and bigger and one day they won’t just be tripping Muggle-borns in the corridors, they’ll be torturing them. They’ll join their precious Dark Lord and get paid to have their fun and then maybe because of them, some little child will lose their parents and they won’t care because they don’t know how it feels.

Well I do, and so does Potter, and so do his friends and so do a hundred other people. So I couldn’t care less if she’d given me three years’ worth of detentions, because I feel fucking brilliant. This is what I want to do with my life. I just can’t believe it took me so long to realize it.

I’ll head back to the common room now. Today has been a very good day, on the whole.

---

I will never love anyone more than Lily Evans. She is BRILLIANT. Went fucking psycho on those worthless Slytherins. I wish I could’ve been there to see it! I bet it was dead sexy. She’s got a cut on her face, but if it scars I will only be turned on whenever I see it. Wood wouldn’t stop going on about it, but I wasn’t bothered. Can’t wait to see Evans and congratulate her myself.

Tried to get out of my funk by subtly asking after Charlene Stebbins’s opinion of Peter. She is definitely off my list of potentials now.

---

Am in a much better mood. Lily came into the common room after dinner to a bout of thunderous applause. She still had a bit of a line on her face, which was unbelievably sexy. I couldn’t help myself, I ran up and kissed her. She took on four Death Eaters by herself! I mean, honestly, what more could I want in a woman? She snogged me back, so I didn’t look a fool, thankfully. It was blissful. We went up to my dorm after and chatted for a while. She’s decided what she wants to do with her life, and I have to say, fighting Voldemort sounds right up my alley. It was really nice, talking to her. Incredibly nice. I told her loads about Marcellus and them, and she talked about her parents. It turns out she stays with Booth or Wood over holidays, usually. I’ll have to have her visit this summer.

Wonderful, utopian moment was ruined when Sirius barged into the room. I think he was half-expecting to find us without our clothes on. Rude and presumptuous, but at least he congratulated Lily on her detentions.

Chapter Text

Monday 5th May

I am the heroine at school today. It is rather odd. Am still on a high from yesterday, it feels amazing to have fought those four slimeballs. I am not one for violence, diary, but they deserved it. And even if they didn’t deserve it yesterday, they will. It is an advance punishment, in a manner of speaking. They will suffer worse at my hands one day, if I get the chance.

I have also been called up to Dumbledore’s office tonight for a meeting. Therefore, my detentions are due to start tomorrow night instead. McGonagall brought me to her office to tell me and I managed to explain my insane actions from yesterday. It only occurred to me last night that I must have seemed crazy in her office, grinning manically and shrugging off all of her questions. She seemed slightly mollified when I told her that I am planning to devote my life to fighting the Dark Arts, and I think I saw a definite hint of pride in her eyes. I honestly don’t care about what punishments Dumbledore is going to dish out, I’m too elated. I’ve actually done something worthwhile, for the first time in nearly six years at this school.

My objective when I went into the common room last night was to find Potter and kiss him until I passed out, but he beat me to it. I had barely gotten into the portrait hole and I was wondering why everybody was clapping. The applause was for me, as it happens. I don’t know how anybody knew about it, I didn’t even see anybody else there when I attacked those boys, but apparently there was a huge crowd. Anyway, that’s not the point. He kissed me and it was unexplainably lovely. And then we went up to his dorm and talked for ages. I was surprised by how much there was to find out about him. We talked about our families, really, but it still felt like I was meeting him for the first time. It was great. More than great. He is easier to talk to than anybody. I could’ve stayed there all night if his friends hadn’t started moaning about needing their sleep.

We’re just going to take it easy for a while and actually get to know one another as opposed to dating right away. We didn’t say anything about it, but I think it was a mutual understanding. I’m not worried about it at all, because I know that it will happen eventually. And I’ll still get to hold his hand during Astronomy, in the meantime.

I think that my mum and dad would be really, really proud of me.

---

Still can’t get over last night with Lily. I knew she was nice and all, but now I know what Remus meant by getting to know her. She’s so smart and funny and pretty and I couldn’t shut up about her all day. Sirius actually Silenced me for a bit, the tosser, but I forgave him. If he’d gone on like I did, I would’ve done the same. Remus seemed happy that she and I are getting along so well. Peter might’ve been a bit jealous, but I suffered through him and Helena, so he can sod off for all I care.

Talking to her about fighting against Voldemort felt so right. It’s despicable what he’s been allowed to do so far, disappearances and murders. It’s only got worse since beginning of term, and I can name too many Slytherins who are or will be Death Eaters. I almost want to go up to Dumbledore and demand to know why they haven’t been kicked out of school. I don’t want to go to classes and have to sit next to them. It’s wearing on my nerves, and it’s distracting from lessons. Actually, meeting with the Headmaster wouldn’t be out of place. I’d like to further discuss Headship. Am even more convinced than ever that I need to be Head so I can make sure those pieces of rubbish Death Eaters don’t get out of line.

I asked Peter if he wanted a new girlfriend. He said he’d had enough of them for a while, but maybe next year. For now he wants to focus on preparing for exams. Have to remember to tell Lily to back off of that, too.

Made Algernon get out from under the bed. If I could I’d make him do laps or something to lose that weight. Can cats diet? I’m not sure that would work, he’s too familiar with getting food from the kitchens.

I have to miss the funeral. Damn it.

Tuesday 6th May

Dumbledore did not punish me, amazingly. He wanted to talk to me about the Order of the Phoenix. I heard rumors that he started a secret society of some sort, but I couldn’t believe that he called me, plain old Muggle-born Lily Evans, up to his office to tell me about it. He explained the entire idea behind the movement and gave me quite a few names of others involved (like Hagrid, for one) and it is, quite simply, wonderful. I will be joining up as soon as I finish school. It is Dumbledore’s one requirement. He refuses to allow students to join.

He did not ask me to join outright, either, and said that he would never want to make me feel like I am obligated. I got what he meant, though. He says that as Head Girl, he hopes that I will aid him in his effort to unite the school houses and get to know some of the students who agree with our aims and want to join or help out, too. He also thinks that if I get James on board, we could make a very good team. I quite agree with him. I also completely disregard any comments I may have made before about Head students not being allowed to date. It is a capital idea. I am to come in for another meeting next week, with James in tow, if he’ll come. And he will, diary, make no mistake about that.

Oh yeah, Dumbledore also told me that perhaps I shouldn’t go starting any more fights in corridors, as there are more profitable ways to channel my energies. And he is right, of course, but even the best witches can’t control themselves at times, and Regulus Black did insult my James. So I think I can excuse myself. It won’t happen again, anyway.

I’m so excited that I woke up at five this morning, like a ninny. It’s almost time for breakfast, I think. I’ll go up and wake the girls.

I cannot wait to tell James about last night! And also, I can’t wait to see him. It’s been ages.

---

At long last, I have a calling! Well, I had the calling before, but now there is an answer: the Order of the Phoenix. I was on my way to go speak with the Headmaster when Lily stopped me. She saw him last night, as it turns out, and she even brought me up during the meeting. I’m positive I’ll be Head Boy next year, if Dumbledore thinks I’m good enough to join the Order. So long as we don’t fight with more Slytherins we’ll be all right, it seems. I briefly thought of Snape’s comeuppance, but that’s not quite the same, so I’m not worried. The only problem is that I’m not allowed to tell my friends about it just yet. Shame, because I think they’d all be for it, too, especially Sirius.

Vinegar into wine in Transfiguration today. Not difficult, but I was surprised that McGonagall had us dealing with wine. We normally aren’t supposed to consume our assignments, but that’s never stopped us before. I think with this particular lesson she was really asking for it.

Off to take Algernon for a walk with Lily. He needs the exercise, and I want to speak with her about the Order.

---

James was pretty down earlier because he can’t go to the funeral, so I was expecting him to be much the same when he came down for our walk with Algernon. It’s all in a bid to make him lose some weight. Algernon, not Potter. Potter’s physique is perfectly fine, thank you very much. Anyway, I was expecting that he would be sad, but he wasn’t. He seemed slightly tipsy, actually. He probably drank some of that wine from Transfiguration earlier. Silly boy. We talked for ages about odds and ends and normal things, and then we got down to discussing my meeting with Dumbledore again.

As I thought, he is all set to join the Order and more than willing to have a shot at house unity if it’s all for a good cause. We’re meeting Dumbledore on Friday to discuss it.

Also, James kind of dived at me when we were walking back up to the school and kissed me again, but I figured that it could be allowed as an act of celebration. Or, even, a demonstration of pure-blood and Muggle-born unification staged in an act of defiance against Death Eaters and purist snobs. We should protest like that more often, teach them a lesson. I’m sure that Dumbledore would agree that it’s a fantastic idea. It’s a sacrifice that I am willing to make. For the cause, you know. Ahem.

Beatrice seems to be a bit annoyed with me. I think she’s irritated because I’m spending so much time with James. Emily, on the other hand, thinks that it’s perfectly wonderful that we’re ‘in love,’ as she puts it. I told her that we’re not dating and that we’re not in love. She didn’t believe me, and to be honest, I’m not sure what I believe myself.

Wednesday 7th May

I can’t believe I ever thought about killing myself. I never really got to experience snogging Lily before. I mean, we’d kissed, but it’s so much better now that I’m not cheating on my other girlfriend, or worried that she’ll slap me and run off once we’ve finished.

Sirius is in a right state. He kept going on about how Lily will turn on me any day now, and I’ll be miserable and suicidal again. Well, he didn’t say suicidal, as I never told him about the will, but it was implied. I’m not worried, though. Lily and I aren’t dating, but that’ll happen sooner or later. Preferably sooner. I’m getting dead excited just thinking about Lily. I still have to best Peter.

I wish there were a spell to send me into the future, when I get to join the Order. The Marauders will finally be allowed to give those Death Eaters exactly what they deserve without fear of detention. I assume the others will want to join once I am allowed to tell them about it, because honestly, we’ve been practicing for this for six years. I’m dying to tell them about it so they can join in Lily’s and my enthusiasm. I almost mentioned it at lunch, but subtly changed my meaning mid-sentence.

Must go take Algernon on another walk. He complains something awful, but I know what’s best for him. It’s unfortunate that I can’t eat bacon around him anymore – I tried last night and he all but scratched my leg off. This is supposed to be a diet for him, not me!

---

James can be the world’s biggest idiot sometimes. In fact, he can be the world’s biggest idiot quite frequently. Actually, he is the world’s biggest idiot. You want proof, diary? Al lunch earlier I was happily discussing the difference between today’s rice pudding and yesterday’s with Peter (we concluded that it was leftover pudding, given the slightly sour aftertaste), when James made this little blunder:

 James: So, Sirius, I wanted to tell you about the Order of the Phoenix.

Sirius: What?

James: It’s the… band I want to start.

Remus: Sorry?

Peter: You want to start a band?

James: Fine, I won’t start a band, then. Thanks a lot, Peter.

So you see, diary, not only is he an idiot, he’s a sociopath headcase. Kind of like Karl, but without all the wisdom. Oh, if I didn’t like him as much as I do…. Luckily, his friends are used to his random acts of lunacy, so they weren’t at all suspicious. No harm done.

I got an owl from Petunia this morning at breakfast, but I haven’t disclosed the contents to anyone yet as I’m still trying to figure out a way to respond to it. It seems that she has run out of excuses, diary, and has decided to extend an invite to her wedding my way. As much of a wrench that must have been to my darling sister, I’m sure that she would rather have me there than face the questions and accusations from our extended family, who all want to know why her little sister hasn’t come. She can’t exactly tell them that I’m a witch now, can she? Thank Merlin that Vernon’s parents are wealthy (some kind of drill company?) and can afford a wedding in Paris, because Petunia would have developed a hernia if she wasn’t able to marry in the city of romance. Materialistic Cow (with a capital c and everything!).

I think I’ll go. If there was anything even remotely interesting to do over the summer, I wouldn’t, but I happen to have no life at all. Plus, it’s a weekend in Paris, during which time Petunia will have to be nice to me. And I can bring a guest! Petunia’s only request is that I don’t bring ‘that Snape boy’ (like that will happen!). But who will I bring? Beatrice will kill me if I don’t bring her to Paris, but also, Emily will kill me if I don’t bring her to Paris. Maybe I should flip a Galleon?

 

Ha. Ha ha ha. James (who, now I come to think of it, would look very nice in a suit. With me. In Paris. Ahem. No, Evans) just came over to moan about his cat and how he shouldn’t have to diet just because Algernon is. I told him that he, too, could stand to lose a few pounds himself. Revenge for his mishap at lunch. He got all huffy and walked off. Nothing that a good snog won’t make him forget, I think. Yum.

 

Thursday 8th May

 

Beatrice is coming to Paris. She and Emily and I decided that Petunia’ll give me less of a hard time if I bring a fellow Muggle-born to the wedding. I considered asking James for about ten seconds before I remembered that we’d have to share a bedroom. (!!!!) He’s still a bit pissy with me on account of Beatrice announcing very loudly at breakfast that she and I have to both find a fit French lad to have a one night stand with. I’m not sure who she was trying to make jealous, Remus or Karl. Either way, it didn’t work. Off to class!

---

Lily is going to France. I am not invited. I am most put-out. Why would she take Beatrice? Paris is the city of love! As in, Lily Evans and James Potter are in love, and therefore should definitely take advantage of the opportunity to stay in the same bedroom in the most romantic city for a few nights! Why, world, must you defy me at every turn?

Plan is to somehow convince her to take me instead. Or to hide in her bag. Either one will suffice, so long as I end up there with her. Also, I don’t trust the French to leave my Lily well enough alone. They speak French, which from my understanding is a massive turn-on, and one of the few talents I lack. Oh no, what if Lily loves French? What if she doesn’t speak French and somehow accidentally agrees to go home with some smarmy French bloke?

I have to stop her.

---

Apparently she’s going this summer, not this weekend. My mistake. I hope she forgives me for ruining her suitcase.

Friday 9th May

Someone destroyed my suitcase! I mean, literally destroyed it. I walked into the dorm last night and somebody had pulled it out from under my bed and torn it clean in two. It’s in two halves. I suppose it serves me right for getting a fabric suitcase instead of a solid one, like Emily has. Who would do something like that?! Maybe Emily, because she is a bit upset that she has to miss France, but Emily’s not the kind of person to attack luggage. Who attacks luggage??

James rugby tackled me today as I walked down to Hagrid’s house to ask him about James (my owl, not the person, I tried to send my reply to Petunia last night and he just flopped onto the floor of the Owlery. Hagrid is taking care of him now). I honestly don’t know what possessed him to do it. I heard him shout something behind me and then the next thing I knew, he had flattened me into the ground. Then he asked where I was going. When I told him, he went really red and started talking about bacon. He also asked me if I knew basic French, and that it was crucial that I learn it, lest I get hoodwinked into pregnancy, marriage, or slavery of the sexy variety.

Yeah, I don’t understand him either, diary.

---

I may have made a huge mistake in telling Sirius about the suitcase incident. He roared with laughter when I told him about trying to squeeze Algernon in too, the tosser. He’s told Remus and Peter, which I normally wouldn’t mind, but Remus will no doubt hear about the suitcase from Lily. I trust him not to tell, but it’s not exactly nice to ask him to lie for me.

Tonight at practice we placed bets on Hufflepuff’s game against Slytherin tomorrow. Even if I’m not dating Isabella anymore, I’ll still cheer for her over that Death Eater Regulus Black. Besides, I know from experience how quick her reflexes are. Not to mention Isaac Stoneham, who despite being a third-year barely lets the Quaffle through. Well, unless you’re intelligent enough to realize he is completely awful at dropping down, like my team is.

Algernon is hiding because he knows it’s walking time. Silly cat doesn’t realize he isn’t resistant to Summoning Charms.

---


Emily didn’t touch my case, and neither did Beatrice. I repaired it fine, but still, defiling somebody’s property, somebody’s suitcase, like that is just plain rude. And also has psychotic murderer written all over it. The act, not the actual case. Nobody wrote on the case.

I was petting Algernon just now and all of a sudden, he went flying out of my arms! I wouldn’t mind, but I was letting him play with my watch at the time and now it’s gone. And I really like that watch. Chances are James has it. His behavior has been increasingly strange over the past few days. I would think that he’s behaving oddly due to the recent deaths in his family, but since when does that make you jump on people? And anyway, his mood has improved a lot ever since I told him about the Order. I think it’s given him some hope.

Perhaps he is still annoyed about my slight on his weight? I should go up to his dorm before he sets out for his evening walk (routine is good for people on diets, even if that person is an insane cat) and snog him or something. Ooh, I like that idea.

---

Best way to make James Potter forgive you: Go up to his dorm, push him against his bedpost and snog him senseless.

Best way to make James Potter pissed at you again: Do this for fifteen seconds only. Then let go of him and leave without a word.

Guess who’s just done both!

Saturday 10th May

I’m almost positive Lily knows I ruined her suitcase. Why else would she have teased me so last night? My back still has bruises, but I don’t mind. I love her, but Sirius may be on to something when he calls her cruel. Algernon’s walk helped him lose weight and me shake off my unplanned frustration.

Match today was decent enough, considering my team wasn’t playing. Austine Kempton owes me five Galleons. That’ll teach her a lesson about contradicting me for the sake of it.

I wish I’d been allowed to attend the funeral today, but Mum and Dad were dead set against me missing any school. Absurd, really, since all I’ve done today is watch the game and then sit by the lake. Sirius sat down to join me for the latter, but I said I wanted to be alone. And I thought I did, until Lily settled down next to me and held my hand without a word. We didn’t talk much, but I assume she’s temporarily forgiven me for the suitcase incident. I should really do the chivalrous thing and buy her a new one. Dunno where I’ll buy one, though. Might have to send an owl to Dad.

Sirius looks right pissed off about something, but he won’t tell me what. Remus said it was obvious, and Peter is as clueless as I am.

---

I’m really excited about the Order meeting on Tuesday. I might find James tomorrow and talk a little about it with him. It would be good to take his mind off things. Merlin knows I had nobody to take my mind off things when Mum and Dad were killed, except Petunia, who was too busy pretending I didn’t exist to bother talking to me.

You know, for somebody who claims to be James’s best friend, Sirius Black isn’t a very attentive one. When I went down to the lake earlier, James was sitting there all by himself. You would think, seeing as it was the day of the funeral, that Sirius would have kept him company, but no. He was too busy Marauding and whatnot. I wasn’t surprised that Remus wasn't there, as he’s rather uncomfortable with that kind of thing, but Sirius, I thought, would be different. It really pisses me off.

However, it’s not my place to say anything, so I’ll keep my mouth shut, and watch Karl attempt his Patronus instead. Beatrice has been berating me for writing in here instead of paying attention, but she’s paying enough attention to him as is, more than enough. She’s still dead set on the French one night stand idea. I’m beginning to fear that she’ll hire us some strange male prostitute named Henri who oils his muscles and wears a mustache that curls up at the ends. And why on earth would I want to have sex with slimy Henri when I could do it with James instead?


And that, diary, is precisely why I’m not inviting James. Not that I’m easy, or slutty, or would ever consent to doing that unless we'd been dating for an entire millennium (or similar) but I’ve heard things about Paris. It does things to people. My neighbor's niece got pregnant there. So don’t tell me it’s not dangerous!

Sunday 11th May

I’m growing worried that Lily hasn’t mentioned the suitcase. She knows I did it, and I know she knows, and knowing Lily, there will be severe consequences to it. More than what happened Friday night, anyway, and that was bad enough. Have sent an owl off to Dad regarding the subject, and considering Sirius’s response, I somehow forgot to mention the part with Algernon.

Still a bit down today. I took Algernon on an extra long walk around the grounds. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have the Order to look forward to. Maybe I would’ve gone psycho like Lily did on those Slytherins. (I still get excited whenever I see that scar on her face.)

I’ve started learning French, just in case. Luckily Sirius speaks it. I managed to bother him into teaching me some basic phrases, like, ‘I want to join you for a romantic dinner in Paris.’ Tu sentes comme un cochon. I think I sound dead sexy speaking French, if I do say so myself. I started practicing on Algernon, but quickly concluded that after a forced two hour walk, he was in no mood to listen.

Off to ask Remus for some of his dittany.

---

A bird flew into the castle window at four in the morning earlier, and woke me up. I wasn’t able to sleep afterwards. My own fault for picking the bed nearest the window. I’m so tired! I can’t sleep, though, because Lucinda Zheng and Heather Jordan are having a huge fight over some Ravenclaw bloke they both fancy. Heather conjured a load of water from her wand and soaked Lucinda, and she retaliated by setting Heather’s robes on fire. There is a lot of screaming to be heard. They’re so loud that I'm sure only bats and dogs are able to hear half of what they’re saying. Beatrice and Emily (Emily, by the way, thinks that my snogging James in his dorm the other night was genius. She says that I am sneakily gaining all of the control in our relationship by deliberately being coy) are watching in amusement, but I’m not. They're driving me crazy. I need sleep!

I’m going to James’s dorm. There are no yelping girls there, and I don’t think James will mind letting me nap on his bed. This night even work in the ways that Emily pointed out!

Besides, it’s not like James has a choice in the matter. I wear the trousers in this friendship/relationship?? I don’t know what we are. A ship of some sort?

---

Terry Heaney was crying in the common room when I went down to make my way to James’s dorm. He had also spilled coffee down his front. What a constipated shit he is.

I think James was shocked when I came in. He jumped right off the bed and hit his foot off Algernon’s head, who screeched, jumped onto Peter’s bed and ripped his pillow apart. As advised by Emily, I merely lay on James’s bed and said that I was hijacking it with no other explanation. Being as wonderful as he is, he didn’t ask questions, just sat on the bed beside me in silence as I drifted off. I did have the weirdest feeling that he was watching me, though. I don’t mind if he was, as he is lovely.

I managed about an hour of sleep before Sirius came in and started noisily throwing stuff around the room, so I left then. It’s ok, only Emily is in our room now and I can sleep in peace. I love Emily.

Chapter Text

Monday 12th May


Why must friends always choose to say embarrassing things in public, and so loudly that everyone can hear? Walking to Charms this morning, Emily poked one of my breasts and said, ‘Lily Evans, where did those huge things come from?!’ And although it’s true that my previously tiny breasts have grown about a cup size over the past few months (unusual in a girl my age, but not unheard of. Plus, they’re still really small), she didn’t have to point it out in front of James, his friends, and oh, everyone else in the world!

I hate Emily.

---

My girlfriend has lovely breasts.

Granted, I don’t know if she’s technically my girlfriend, but for the sake of the argument, I will refer to her as such. It’s not like any other bloke is going to get to touch them. And maybe I haven’t touched them yet, but I will. Eventually. Hopefully very, very soon. She torments me so.

Remus apparently keeps purchasing dittany, only for it to go missing a few days later. Dead strange. He had some yesterday, luckily, but I got annoyed that he hadn’t told me about this problem sooner. The Marauders refuse to be stolen from! Meeting after Quidditch in the dorm to plan out ways to catch the thief.

Whenever I go up to my room, I’m always half-hoping Lily will be there waiting for me in my bed. Now that I’ve seen her under my covers, I can’t stop thinking about it.

Tes seins sont merveilleusement joli.

Yes, now I definitely need to go to Quidditch and work off this... mood.

Tuesday 13th May

I overheard Sirius and Peter talking about how Remus’s dittany was taken from him yesterday. I can’t believe that I forgot about that. I think I may have suspected Beatrice of stealing it at one point, but she denied all accusations. That got me to thinking about how much thievery goes on in this school. At some point or other, dittany, shoes, cats, quills, wands (ahem), Invisibility Cloaks (AHEM!) and photographs have all been taken from other students. I pointed this rise in criminal activity out to James yesterday evening after I went to the pitch to watch his Quidditch practice (He seemed really happy to see me there! And kept looking over until Emily poked him in the arse with her wand!), but I don’t think he was paying attention because he kept staring down at my chest. It was quite irritating, really. That’s the last time I’ll be wearing a push-up bra for a long while.

Meeting with Dumbledore is in an hour. Today Karl managed to produce some silvery wisps from his wand, and said hopefully that maybe his Patronus is some strands of hair because that’s what his happy memory is, the time before he lost his hair. Well I’ve known Karl for six years, diary, and frankly, I think he looks better without. Hair makes him look like one of the Wombles.

Sirius Black is sitting alone by the fire, examining a sheet of parchment. He keeps grumbling to himself about something, but every now and then he’ll grin and smirk. I hope he gets a really bad paper-cut, preferably somewhere in the region of his jugular.

---

Plan has been initiated. Clever traps are good fun. I can’t wait to see who the dittany thief is. I expect it to be sprung by at least Thursday. Lily agrees that there is a lot of common thievery in this castle. I intend to do something about it as Head Boy next year, as I’m sure I can devise some sort of security system.

Bit of a fall-out today with Sirius. As soon as we’d set up everything for the trap, I told them I was spending the evening with Lily (Order meeting, and all). He went on about how I should put my friends first, and how she’s just toying with me again. Rubbish, I say! I don’t put Lily first – she comes equal to them. I think. I don’t actually have a scale or a list. Maybe I should investigate the matter to disprove Sirius. In any case, we’re not exactly speaking at the moment. At dinner he pointedly made conversation with Wormtail about his girlfriend search, which is stupid because if Sirius knew anything he’d know that search is non-existent – Peter told me so himself.

I countered Sirius’s move by loudly complaining about that new Brunhilda Carmichael song with Moony, who despises her as much as I do. I’ve never quite understood Sirius’s fascination with her. ‘Transfigure Away My Tears’ is a shit song. Absolute, ridiculously horrible, utter shit. I will turn the next person who hums it into a goat. Or perhaps a tortoise? Must consider this.

No time to walk Algernon today. He’s dead grateful. I can tell because the note on my bed was in tact.

Wednesday, the Quidditch pitch, 11PM. Be there (alone!) or else.

Oh, have to run. Time for the Order meeting!

---

Order meeting was much the same as mine was, only Dumbledore was explaining it to James more so than to me. He did emphasize how important it was that all Head students and Prefects remain united next year as an example to the school, though. You can see, diary, that all of our problems next year will ultimately lie in that area. The Slytherin Prefects will not go for that idea at all, so it’ll be an uphill struggle, I suppose. If only they could all be like Persephone Baddock, the Slytherin prefect from our year. She actually gets bullied by her housemates for being such a ‘blood traitor.’ You would think her sister Pandora would stick up for her, but she’s as bad as Regulus Black in that respect. That’s probably why they’re dating. A fitting match, it seems. What horrible parents Persephone must have, their brilliant taste in girls’ names notwithstanding.

Anyway, all of Dumbledore’s talk about unity leads me to think that he may just make James Head Boy after all, since he was addressing both of us about it. I hope so. James and I had great fun on the walk up to the meeting earlier, slagging off Brunhilda Carmichael. Honestly, who could like that crow of a singer? Transfigure Away My Tears removes my will to live. I was thinking of singing a few bars of it because I’d really like to know if James thinks I’m a good singer or not. It is, after all, one of the only things I can do well. I didn’t, though, because Emily ran into us on the way and immediately drove all thoughts of singing out of my mind.

We asked her why she was covered in Stinksap, but all she could say was, ‘Beatrice. Karl. Shower. Now,’ before running off into the night (early evening, really). I figured it was wise not to follow.

Wednesday 14th May

It has been twenty-nine hours, almost to the minute, since my last entry. I find it hard to believe that everything’s happened in such a short time. No clue where to start. The middle, I think.

After dinner us Marauders were all in the dormitory playing Polish Pirate Poker (I was winning by thirty shillings). We had to pick up from the round we played in October, the last time it was warm enough out to withstand the intense Weather Charms involved. Mostly we were waiting for the Trap to be activated, and right when Sirius was about to lose at least half of his shillings because I had his Seven of Diamonds, it went off. Typical timing. I might add that he and I are still not speaking, but the game doesn’t require it, thankfully.

In any case, the mystery has been solved: Remus has a secret admirer. No clue who she is, but not only does she love Remus, she has an admirer herself. A house-elf. No joke! Some little house-elf named Twilly has been stealing Remus’s dittany to make the admirer happy. It explains why Remus’s Anti-Theft Charms didn’t work, but still – even I’m having a hard time believing this, especially since Twilly wouldn’t name the girl he fancies. And why would anyone want Remus to be without his dittany? Twilly broke through the Complicity Web before we could question him further, and I’ll be surprised if we see him again. House-elves are dead hard to find if they don’t want to be found. Peter suggested reporting him to Dumbledore, but I can’t be bothered. It’s too funny, and I don’t know if he’d believe us, anyway. Remus thinks his dittany is safe now that Twilly has been outed, but I’m going to try to find house-elf-proof Charms tomorrow just in case.

Speaking of Dumbledore, the meeting last night was brill. More than ever I remain convinced I will get Headship. He went on about House unity, and I expect Lily and I will be in for a battle in that, especially after tonight. Some Slytherins are bound to be expelled – finally! I’ve been waiting for ages to pin something concrete on them. It’ll probably piss a lot of the House off something awful, but I don’t much care.

Stupidly, the Death Eaters tried to recruit me not an hour ago. They must be desperate if they’re trying to recruit James Lancelot Potter. Or mad. Probably more of the latter. They know for a fact that I think blood purity is a shit idea – my taunts and hexes should have convinced them of that. The meeting didn’t last very long, as I tried to leave once they started on about Voldemort’s power. They weren’t best pleased, to say the least. In fact, I’m confident that if Edgar Clogg hadn’t come out of nowhere and startled Lestrange and Mulciber, I wouldn’t remember a thing about the meeting right now. Thank Merlin for Edgar. I owe him quite a bit for his help over the years. I wonder if he wants me to do something for him. I wonder what I could possibly do for a ghost who lives on the Quidditch pitch. Must remember to run down there tomorrow night, maybe on my walk with Algernon before Astronomy.

Letter back from Dad about the suitcase. He sent me a catalogue for owl-orders. Excellent. Tomorrow’s task list also includes taking care of that, finally.

Off to sleep now. I’m dead exhausted, and I have no idea which suitcase to purchase.

Thursday 15th May

I went to Hagrid’s yesterday, and was told that my owl looks to have been attacked in the Owlery, more than likely by some of the larger owls who are picking on him in an attempt to get their claws on some of the food I bring down to him every day. Which is why he hasn't been well. My poor little James! He's in my dorm now, and I'm not letting him near those nasty brat owls ever again, if I can help it. I bet it was Mulciber's owl who did it, the bastard. Emily has expressed concerns that it wasn't another owl who did it, rather a person, but who on earth would attack an owl? He's such a sweet, harmless little thing.

Emily and Beatrice are not talking. It seems that Beatrice threw Stinksap at her because she laughed at Karl’s Patronus. All I can say about it is a) Where did she get Stinksap from? and b) Karl’s Patronus is a poodle! Who wouldn’t laugh?

Terry Heaney asked me out today, in the common room, just like that! It seems he has split from Helena the village bike again. I was bowled over (I mean, really!) and asked him what on earth had possessed him to ask me. He said, ‘I’m most compatible with size six girls (what the hell??!!!). I'm a ten, you know. Just think about it.’ Then he stared unabashedly at my chest and walked away! The cheek! Since when was Terry Heaney confident?! Beatrice suggested that I go for it, since Terry probably has had more practice in the sack than James has. Now I’m not talking to her either.

Come to think of it, I have no proof that James has or has not partaken in that particular physical activity. I mean, Peter said that James hadn’t, but James doesn’t tell him everything. Has he? Oh Christ, I bet he has. Oh, oh, ew!!! That’s horrible! I can’t believe James has done that! The bastard! I will KILL the bitch that did it! I bet it was Mary MacDonald, he dated her once. Whore. Bitch. Home-wreckers. I think I need to calm down. Where’s Algernon when you need him?

Have just realized; Terry was talking about my feet.

---

Why am I the only relaxed one of my friends? Everyone else has completely overreacted to the whole Death Eater thing last night. I mentioned it at breakfast and the first question was, ‘Why didn’t you take us?’ I reiterated the note’s requirement of alone, but they were having none of it. And they were all outraged on my behalf. I’m not outraged. Well, a little bit, but mostly annoyed that they wasted my time. I could have been finishing up my Transfiguration assignment instead. There was no chance of me joining the Death Eaters, so what’s the big deal?

I’m planning to stop by Dumbledore’s office after Transfiguration to get Lestrange and Mulciber expelled once and for all. I’m dead excited to see the looks on their face when they realize their error. Remus insisted that he and the others guard me today from them, as they all believe Lestrange and Mulciber will try to Obliviate me before I can report them. Bollocks. I can defend myself, as last night proved.

---

The world has once again turned against me. Unfairness abound today!

For one, Mulciber and Lestrange are still at Hogwarts. Dumbledore was completely sympathetic, and is dead pissed (I assume) that Death Eaters are trying to recruit at Hogwarts, but recruitment alone isn’t enough grounds to expel them. Apparently it’s not enough to prove that they’re a danger to the school, or some other rubbish along those lines. No wonder they didn’t try to hex me at all today – they knew they were within their rights. This has definitely put me into the category of those outraged.

I went and tried to complain to Lily about it, but I couldn’t even get to that point. She got caught up, like the others, on why I went at all. She thinks I should’ve taken her with. Again, no one seems to realize the note said alone. Lily pointed out she could’ve worn the Cloak, and I didn’t exactly disagree with her. I couldn’t explain that I dislike when other people use the Cloak without me because I don’t know where they are and I find it dead creepy (creepier than Terry Heaney, even!). Anyway, then the conversation went something like this:

Me: It occurred to me that perhaps it was a secret admirer, and I had to go and set her straight. I am yours, Lily Evans!

Lily: I knew it – you are having copious amounts of wild monkey sex with Isabella! Now I will never, ever prove my claim of being able to put my legs behind my head, thus leaving you eternally sexually frustrated!

Me: Say not such things! Here, let me placate you by letting you choose out your new suitcase that I am so chivalrously supplying, having accidentally damaged your old one.

Lily: What?

Yes, it seems she didn’t know I had ruined her suitcase. Dead unlike her, to not notice things like a broken suitcase. In any case, she is not speaking to me, supposedly ever.

Sirius is, on the other hand, friendly again. He believes he’s been proven right, and that Lily and I are irreparably separated. Bollocks, of course, but I don’t intend to tell him as much. He’d only get all moody like he does. Remus disapproves of this, but Peter agreed that it’s better if we all get along. Poker last night would’ve been better, and the next round is tomorrow, so for now, I will attempt to reconcile with Lily without Sirius discovering this.

---

I was right! James is a sex maniac! A pervert! I’m obviously not good enough for him, most likely because I haven’t torn both our clothes off, tied him to a chair and had mind-blowing sex with him yet. But let me digress, diary, before I explode with anger.

He told me earlier that the resident Slytherin Death Eaters tried to recruit him on Wednesday night! He got an anonymous note asking him to go to the Quidditch pitch alone in the dead of night and went there only to meet a hoard of them! What the hell?! Who gets a note like that and goes alone?! I asked him about that, arguing that he could have taken me, Remus, Peter, Sirius, anyone, along under his cloak, but do you think I got an actual answer out of him? Why, no, I didn’t! What a shocker. And then, AND THEN, when I asked him why he hadn’t considered the danger of what he did, the conversation went like this:

James: I didn’t bring anyone because I thought it was just a secret admirer or something. No big deal.

Me: A what?

James: Like Isabella! I thought maybe she wanted me back, so I thought I should go see her.

Me: You thought you’d go down to the Quidditch pitch at night, alone, to meet your ex-girlfriend?

James: Yeah, why?

Me: Oh, so you could get back with her, hmm?

James: She’s just an example! It didn’t have to be her, it could have been anyone!

Me: So anyone would have done? What, am I not good enough for you?

James: What do you- we’re not even dating!

Me: Excuse me?

James: No, no, n- Look! Here’s a catalogue, with suitcases in it! Ooooh! I thought I’d get you one to make up for breaking your other one!

Me: What? That was you?!

James: No! It was, it was, Twilly!

Who the hell is Twilly? Another one of his girlfriends? I walked off then, and now I’m not speaking to him. Emily thinks that I overreacted a bit, and perhaps I did, but I can hardly be blamed, can I? Doesn’t it sound bad to you, diary?


I suppose I’ve sort of forgiven him, seeing as Emily just now pointed out that James never shuts up about me at Quidditch practice, knocked three people over when he ran to kiss me after my fight with those Slytherins, has no brain, and could well have been meeting his nonexistent secret admirer to let her down easy. So if he feels like doing something nice to make it up to me and telling me the truth for a change, I guess I might consent to be friends again. But Merlin, why does he always have to mess things up? At this rate, Angie, Harry and Rachael Potter are never going to happen. Because their dad is an IDIOT!

What were those Death Eaters thinking?! Of all, people to invite, James Potter? Sure he has the wealth and the blood status, but he’s made his aversion to Voldemort perfectly clear ever since he was born, practically! Mind, you wouldn’t think that now, given his reaction. Isn’t he even annoyed that they were essentially asking him to do stuff like, oh, lets see, kill me, the Mudblood? I would have kicked the shit out of all of them. But of course, James didn’t because he was too busy wallowing in the disappointment of not having seen precious Isabella. I hope he falls off the Astronomy tower later.

Friday 16th May

My mood lately is reminiscent of my salmon period. After I explained everything to Remus he said something like, ‘When it rains, it pours.’ I thought this was stupid because I find it usually rains and pours at the same time. Wormtail said Terry Heaney is after my woman, my woman hates me for destroying her suitcase, and Rosier kept shooting me superior looks all during Charms. I assume he knows about the Quidditch pitch incident, and that he was rubbing the injustice of it all in my face. Is it any wonder I was unable to restrain myself from Transfiguring him into a cockroach? I think not. Detention is a small price to pay for my dignity.

Lily is still refusing to acknowledge my existence. I had a dead brilliant explanation set up to give her during Astronomy, but Sirius, in his rediscovered best-mate-ship, kept on about Polish Pirate Poker the whole class period. He made a fair amount of points about the last round, and later we’re going to team up to take Remus’s Queen of Hearts. Hahaha. Unfortunately, I’ve forgot a lot of the explanation I had devised for Lily overnight. I will have to improvise when I get the chance. Even more unfortunately, this chance is small.

Remus reports that his dittany has yet to be stolen. Another small up in my overall down life.

Poker round in ten. Must find my scarf, and also send Algernon into the common room for his safety.

---

Last night in Astronomy practically every Slytherin in the class kept hissing stuff like ‘filthy mudblood’ at me (just me, nobody else, mind) so that even the professor could hear. Even more proof that James doesn’t care about me, he pretended not to notice and stayed whispering and laughing with Black all during class. I think that contributed to my eh, temper tantrum somewhat, because Black and I had a huge row and I kind of lost it a little. Just a little. Ahem.

Black waited, like the sly little dickhead he is, until after his mates had left Astronomy to attack me with what I’m sure was a well prepared diatribe. The conversation, word for word (Emily was with me and can testify!), went like this:

Black: What the hell are you playing at, Evans?

Me: Excuse me?

Black: I’m sick of you messing around with James all the time.

Me: WHAT? I’m messing around with him?

Emily: Are you mad, Sirius? She’s not messing him around at all!

Black: Do you think it’s funny or something?

Me: What are you talking about? I like James. I really, really like him and I’m not messing him around! He’s the one who wanted to meet his ex-girlfriend down at the Quidditch pitch!

Black: They were Death Eaters, not an ex-girlfriend, you dozy cow.

Me: I know that! But he told me that he thought it was Isabella, so what was I supposed to think?

Emily: Potter should be grateful that Lily keeps forgiving him when he starts acting like a prat!

Black: Stay out of it, Wood. You know, I don’t know why he even wastes his time on you, he’s worth a hundred of you.

Me: Oh yeah, and you’re so great, aren’t you? You’ve really been there for him lately.

Black: Hah! More than you have. At least I’m not just pretending to be his mate to get one over on him.

Me: Please. You’re just jealous that you can’t have him all to yourself. What’s the matter, do you fancy him too?

Black: You’ve already got a boyfriend, though, don’t you? Dear old Snivellus. What, Evans, did he put you up to it? Is this your idea of a good laugh?

And that, diary, is when I thumped him in the face with my schoolbag. I wish I hadn’t packed my telescope away because that would have been handy to murder him with. Then I told him to go fuck himself up his own arse. That’s not physically possible in most cases, but as Black essentially is one giant dick, I’m sure he’ll manage. Or, you know, maybe he’ll ask James to do it for him, since he’s so into him and all. I’m still holding out for Black’s death by paper cut. I hope I’m there to see it.

Saturday 17th May

Remus came over to me in the library a while ago and asked me up to his dorm room for a chat. Curious, I went, only for him to ask me if I knew the name Twilly from anywhere. Apart from the fact that James mentioned the name before, I’ve never heard of it. Then he asked me if Beatrice hung around with any house-elves! I seriously worry about the sanity of, well, everybody in this school. Everyone is bloody bonkers! He wouldn’t tell me why he wanted to know because apparently I’d ‘think him mad’ if he did. Like he hadn’t freaked me out enough already.

I stayed up there for a while, as Black and James were absent, and talked to Remus and Peter. I was happy to hear that Black lost an eyebrow last night due to a game of Polish Pirate Poker. I have no idea what that is, but I was most satisfied nevertheless. Then Peter asked me if it was true that I could put my legs behind my head, so I showed him. He and Remus were very impressed, although it did disturb me somewhat that Peter went very red in the face and started breathing heavily. I feel violated, and not in a good way, either.

Helena Hodge came over to our table at lunch and loudly asked James for a kiss in honor of her seventeenth birthday. I was shocked, but secretly quite pleased, when James announced, equally loudly, that he couldn’t because his ‘lips belong to Lily Evans.’ I pretended not to hear him and I feel bad about it. Although I bet he wouldn’t have said it if Black had been around. Speaking of Helena, her ex-lover Terry is now pestering me for a date wherever I go. It’s horrible! Even if he wasn’t a creepy ferret boy, I still wouldn’t go out with him because he’s only fourteen. Who on earth would - OH MY GOD, HELENA HODGE IS A CHILD MOLESTER! HE’S ONLY FOURTEEN! EW! EW! EW! EW! Helena Hodge: Sexual deviant and pervert. She should be locked up. That is actually wrong. I feel sickened.

It’s almost time for Algernon’s walk, I’m sure. I think I’ll go find James and go with them. I hate the idea of not talking for another two weeks. I might as well give him a chance to explain himself, if he feels the need to, because a good relationship requires communication! How are we expected to fix our problems if we keep ignoring them?

Also, I want to tell him that I want the blue and white suitcase from his catalogue. He did break mine, after all. I deserve it! I must remember to ask him what on earth that’s about, too.

---

How is it that with all of the spells to protect secrets and the like, news still travels faster than Apparition around Hogwarts? Helena Hodge is apparently aware of the difficulties Lily and I are having and tried to snog me at lunch. I gave a grand speech about how I belong to Lily and Lily alone. It was dead romantic. I meant to seek out Lily this morning, but then since the Poker game went on for ages, we all had a bit of a lie-in. Then Padfoot and I went out to the Shrieking Shack to attend to the comeuppance potion, which took a bit of work. Must remember to not to breathe in too many of the fumes next time. For now, I might need to see Pomfrey about my earlobes.

I passed Mulciber in the corridor outside the Great Hall. McGonagall was not too far away, which meant I was unable to do much of anything. Mulciber knew it, too, and was nearly palpably with glee. Oh, if only McGonagall didn’t have such influence over the Order and Headship….

Peter says he’s well over Helena Hodge. He must be laboring under the impression that I didn’t see his face this morning. I hope he doesn’t hold this against me, as I can’t help how gorgeous my hair is. I don’t need any more rifts with my friends. Things with Sirius are tenuous enough. He and Lily got into a row last night, he says, and Lily and Wood ganged up and brutally assaulted him. I find this somewhat hard to believe, and I’m dead annoyed that Sirius would lie to me. I can’t tell him that, though, or risk sending him into one of his moods. I’ve suffered enough frustration because of Lily, and I don’t need multiple kinds of frustration at once.

I wonder how long it will take people to notice Terry Heaney has gone missing, and furthermore how long it will take them to notice the new statue in the common room.

Sunday 18th May


My walk with James went well last night, save his unusually blue earlobes that I decided not to mention. He assured me that if there had been a secret admirer at the pitch, his intention would have been to ward her off, nothing more. Although it took a while to get that out of him because he was under the impression at first that I was only pissed about the suitcase, which I couldn’t care less about, to be honest. What a fool he is. He sulked a little when I told him of the gymnastic demonstration I gave to Peter yesterday afternoon, but he soon cheered up when I told him how attractive I think he looks when he’s annoyed. A bold move on my part, I’ll admit. I don’t think I’ve ever told him anything like that to his face before, but he’ll pay me back in kind soon, I hope. Sorry, I mean, he bloody well better!


Why is there a statue in the common room? It is a snowman statue, which would be nice, but somebody has drawn a crude and tasteless picture of a certain part of the male anatomy (or, you could say, drawn a picture of Sirius Black) on the face. That is most unattractive.

Most oddly, I saw what appeared to be a large rat in my dorm while I was getting dressed this morning. I swear the rat was watching me, because I noticed it was standing still out of the corner of my eye, but the second I looked over at it, it squealed with fright and scurried from the room. Emily thinks that I am crazy, but I’ve never seen a rodent behave in that way. Maybe it’s a magical rat? Do they act differently? I don’t know any girls who own a magical rat, but I’ll ask Remus or James if they know anyone who does.

I have a rather awful headache, so I’m going to have a nap now. I’ve been ill at ease all day because some of those Slytherin boys were following me around quite a lot and I feel helpless because I know I’ll get in trouble if I attack them first. Men have all the luck.

---

No more salmonhood! Lily thinks I’m the handsomest bloke in Hogwarts! This has made my week! Last night she joined me for Algernon’s walk, and we worked out the whole suitcase debacle. It was bliss. Her encomiums have inspired me to pick up more French. This would be easier, of course, if Sirius were amenable to teaching me alluring French phrases.

There is an inverse relationship between my Lily and Sirius friendships – Sirius is now well pissed that I’ve ‘taken that harlot back.’ She’s taken me back, for one, and I’m dead grateful. Two, I don’t have to pick between them. Or I shouldn’t have to, in any case. I’ve just about had it up to here with Sirius. He’s my best mate, and he’s staying the summer with me, but sometimes a man has to draw the line.

I’m dead tempted to set up a comeuppance for Mulciber and Lestrange, like I have for Snape, but Dumbledore would know it was me, and he’s all but forbidden me from any ‘rash actions.’ My plans are anything but rash – they are brilliant and well thought-out, thank you very much!

Last Quidditch game is on Saturday. I’m sure we’ll trounce Ravenclaw and take the Cup, but just to be on the safe side I’ve scheduled practice every day this week. Well, except for Tuesday when I have detention, and Wednesday when I’ll likely get detention because of Terry Heaney, who has yet to be ‘found.’

Have officially warned Peter off of Lily. I want to warn Lily to watch out for more nosy rats in her dorm. Only problem is even I think that would sound a bit mad.

Chapter Text

Monday 19th May


I hardly slept last night, as this incessant headache has worsened. I do not have the will to get out of bed today. I woke Beatrice, who is nearest to me, by throwing her own shoe at her and asked her to inform teachers of my absence from class. I guess this means I’m talking to her again, as I’m in too much pain to hold grudges. Will write more later, I need sleep.

---

James (my owl, not the person) woke me up at 2pm, screeching and flapping his wings against the cage. He had run out of food. I was annoyed and threatened to return him to the Owlery, but this only made him panic and attempt to break free of the cage, so I had to give him the rest of the Owl Treats to relief myself of my guilt.

I felt disgusting and groggy then, so I went for a walk in the grounds to clear my head, which worked a treat because it was really, really windy out. I decided to go to the lake, and when I got there I spied James and his friends playing dead arm beneath the big oak tree there. James jumped up when he saw me coming, put one foot on a big rock, folded his arms and gazed pensively out over the horizon. I expect it was an attempt on his part to look impressive and manly, what with the wind blowing through his hair and that, but it didn’t work because Black pushed him and he toppled into the lake headfirst. Black left then, citing some business he had to attend to, but I know it was just because I was there. Idiot. I felt like complaining about him, but James’s friendship with Black is not for me to comment on. I hope and expect that Black treats James’s and my relationship with the same respect, because James always listens to Black and would probably ignore me if Black asked him to. After he left, we all played more dead arm and it was quite fun. James begged and pleaded with me to put my legs over my head, but I refused as I was wearing a skirt. Then I came back here, as my headache returned with a vengeance.

Remus is surprisingly brilliant at dead arm. He asked me, again, if I knew of any house-elves who may speak to Beatrice at all, but of course I don’t. Why is he so fixated on that? I hope it’s nothing perverted, like some kind of Lupin-Booth-elf threesome, because Beatrice might just go for that. Ew.

The statue in the common room was Terry Heaney. McGonagall was going to question all the Gryffindors about it as Terry didn’t see the culprit, but she doesn’t need to now. I told her it was Black. Ha. Ha ha ha.

---

Someone told McGonagall that Sirius was responsible for Transfiguring Terry Heaney. I’m dead offended that she didn’t immediately suspect me, actually – that was a nice piece of Transfiguration. She should recognize my style by now! Wishful thinking on her part, clearly. In any case, I couldn’t let Sirius take the fall for it, even if I am annoyed with him. It’s just not on, so I had to confess. I thought I’d seen McGonagall speechless before. Apparently I was wrong.

Haven’t seen Sirius since I received detention for Wednesday night. Not sure how he’ll react to this news, but he’d best be dead pleased. What more proof does he want than this?

No more Poker until after Saturday. Shame, but priorities necessitate. Must see if I can find Lily to join me for a short walk with Algernon.

In Charms we started working on third-class Fire Charms. Flitwick went on about how sixth-years should know better, but really, I think he was asking for it with a topic like this. In the interest of Quidditch, I persuaded him into deducting points so I won’t miss practice. I also offered to pay for Rhonda Roper’s shoes. Whatever Peter says, it was in no way my fault. Who could’ve known mirrors would be a bad idea?

Tuesday 20th May

Mood ruining moment last night when James sought me out and asked me to go on a walk with him and Algernon. I refused outright, as my head was killing me, but then he evilly resorted to physical affection to convince me to come, so I did. At first I was quite delighted, because as you know, diary, he hadn’t voluntarily kissed me in two weeks and I was beginning to think that he was going off me. However, he soon showed his true colors when halfway through, he started going on about how he was going to be late for Quidditch and could I be an angel and finish walking Algernon for him, before dashing off without so much as a goodbye.

I’m angry with myself for being so weak willed, and angry with him for using said weakness to his advantage. The self-centered git, I told him that I had a headache and he didn’t care. Severus Snape, the Death Eater, used to break into the kitchens and fetch me chicken soup whenever I had even a tiny sniffle, and James probably wouldn't notice if I crawled into the common room with my legs removed. Because he only ever thinks about himself. And his cat. And his friends. And everyone but bloody me.

Because I was out walking so late yesterday, I’ve caught a really nasty cold to go with the headache, which is getting more painful by the day. However, I couldn’t afford to miss two days worth of classes, especially not Transfiguration (easily my weakest area), so I had to drag myself out of bed and go. To top it all off, my schoolbag split open three times today. Three times! How is that even possible? I only got the stupid bag at Christmas!

And another thing, do you think any of my supposed friends have noticed that I feel like shit? Not a chance. They’re all selfish whores.

Algernon just brought me up a yogurt pot, which is very sweet of him. At least someone cares! Maybe he has noticed that I feel ill? Animals are supposed to have a weird sense about these things.

---

Today did not go as expected. Last night Sirius didn’t come back up to the dorm until well into the night, when the rest of us were sleeping. No idea where he was, as he took the Map with him, the tosser. If I didn’t know him so well, I’d have thought he’d got himself a girl or something. Not only that, he skived off all of his classes today. I only saw him this morning, when he told us he’d meet us at breakfast. He didn’t, obviously, and I still don’t know where he went.

Finally confronted him after dinner today, when I found him in that alcove on the fifth floor he’s so fond of. I know how touchy he gets, so I didn’t even ask about where he’d been all day. I thought I would tell him the good news about my confession for his sake. Somehow this was a huge mistake. He blew up at me, saying the James he knew would have just laughed at him and used the mirrors to make detention better. Not entirely off the mark, to be fair, but I did it for him! I told him as much, and he got even more pissed off. According to him, Lily’s changed me for the worse. Not sure how I’m worse now compared to before, but apparently it’s true. I told him off for his attitude lately, as I’m dead annoyed with his slagging off Lily – I love her, after all, and I have to defend her. He doesn’t understand.

I don’t like being at odds with him. We shouted for a while, and I left before I could hex him. My Remus voice said that wouldn’t help matters, but then I wondered if Sirius expected me to do something like that. Dead confusing, the whole lot of it.

Detention with McGonagall was tonight. Not as bad as those awful ‘character-building’ talks. Mostly she reminded me I wasn’t to harm the Death Eaters in the school, especially not the ones who tried to recruit me. Utter bollocks! And then I had to write out lines about Transfiguration as a form of revenge. I tried to tell her it’s just so much more convenient than other methods, especially when it comes to immediacy of the revenge, but she was having none of it. Dead unfair. How else am I supposed to keep Terry Heaney away from my woman?

Speaking of the woman, we snogged last night. I tried to make another pass today, but she said she had a headache. Typical excuse. I think she just likes to rile me up. Which is, actually, dead sexy. Still, though, unkind and uncalled for.

Wednesday 21st May

Today was awful, as is the norm lately. Of course, I woke up feeling as sick and horrible as ever, and I probably could have used another couple hours of sleep, but class called, so I went, foolishly thinking that today might be better. Not so. Class was fine, as Slughorn was his usual, complimentary self. You would think, though, that since Slughorn loves me so much, he might give me a bottle of Felix Felicis like he did with James. I think I deserve it just for putting up with him. James, not Slughorn.

Anyway, as I was leaving the dungeon after class, I placed my hand on the frame of the door for a second (literally, a second!) and immediately the door slammed shut on my hand and broke two of my fingers. Everybody started panicking and I ended up shouting at Emily because she wanted to accompany me up to the hospital wing, like some kind of invalid baby. You would swear, diary, that I am unable to take care of myself. Granted, I was crying, but that’s just because the sudden shock made my eyes water. I wish my friends would bugger off.

Once I reached the hospital wing (alone! Pish, some friends. If they really cared about me they would have insisted upon coming!) I had to suffer undeservedly through Madame Pomfrey’s subsequent lecture about being careful when opening doors, holding scissors, etc. I told her, truthfully, that the door was wide open when I had my hand on the frame, but do you think she’d listen to me? No.

I’m not finished. Right after I left the hospital wing, Sirius Black appeared out of nowhere (from behind a statue), seized my arm, and practically dragged me up to Gryffindor tower. There he proceeded to shout at me in front of the very uncomfortable looking Fat Lady, about how I’ve turned James into someone else, how I’m a total bitch, how I enjoy ruining people’s lives, and how he and his friends would all be much happier if I wasn’t around. I retaliated with a few choice words of my own, diary, and don’t tell me he didn't deserve them. Stupid prick with his stupid everything. He’s so in love with James that he’s probably going to end up mounting him in his sleep. I bet he rifles through his drawers and sniffs his underwear, or something. Creep.

Remus has just told me that James is in detention with McGonagall, the stupid splitter. I’m going to find him, drag him around the bloody school and then demand that he tell me a) why on earth he’s taken to treating me like rubbish lately, and b) what lies he’s been telling Sirius Black that have made him start to treat me like rubbish, too.

---

That did not quite go to plan. I found James coming out of McGonagall’s office, told him we needed to talk and hauled him to the Room of Requirement. I had a big tirade planned, but once we got there, I forgot it all and ordered him to kiss me instead. Partly because he looked really good, partly in defiance of Black, partly because it was a much nicer way to vent my frustration, but mostly because I hope he catches what I’ve got. Especially since he felt he was entitled to place his hands in a much more southward position than he usually does. The cheek (literally) of him. I should have stopped him and sent one right at his nose, but I was rather distracted. I quite enjoyed what he was doing with my neck, thank you very much, so it’s not my fault!

Not only did I break my fingers, miss Defense class, fight with Sirius Black, and waste almost an entire hour of my day up in the Room of Requirement with Pratty McPervert, my stomach hurts. And my hand. Urgh.

---

Fuck, I hate when my friends are stupid. Sirius had a shouting match with Lily tonight, and Peter’s sided with him over me. What is the world coming to?! Moony has said he’s staying well out of it, but I suspect he’s favoring me at least a bit. I am, after all, in the right. This morning at breakfast Sirius was whispering loudly with Peter slighting my abilities as a boyfriend, things like if Peter can get some proper action, then it must say mountains about my abilities in that area. Such bollocks, because Sirius hasn’t had sex either. I sat with Remus in class, and we worked on modifying a Silencing Charm so we could talk but not hear Sirius spew lies about Lily. We sort of managed midway through Defense, but I think we overdid it because we failed to notice class had ended, and ended up staying ten minutes in. It worked in our favor, though, since Hallosheth assumed we were just very dedicated students, and gave Gryffindor a few points.

Another detention with McGonagall today. She pointed out as Head Boy I can’t Transfigure uppity students. A fair point. (Unfair in theory, though.) I don’t think she meant for me to take that in the way that I did, which was that I can only get away with it this year. The trick will be to not get caught, but this is difficult since I’m dead skilled at it, and no one else uses this technique. I could go more mainstream in my tactics, I suppose, but that’s no fun.

What is fun is snogging Lily after detention. She told me to! It was brilliant. I think she’s realizing my needs as a man. Now that Sirius is being a right git, I’ll have to find some other method of learning French.

Algernon is looking loads better. The walks have helped him lose weight. I think, actually, that I can send him for some bacon without worrying about his food intake for today. Huzzah! How I missed those deliveries. I’ll just have to hope he doesn’t think I’m gaining weight and start bringing me carrots instead of bacon or treacle.

Thursday 22nd May

I woke up before dawn this morning and started vomiting my guts up. I kid you not, diary. I’m disgusting. Also, my throat is really sore. It seems that I’m getting sicker. How lovely. I considered going back to Madame Pomfrey, but I don't think she’d welcome my presence after yesterday. I don’t want another lecture.

Perhaps I’m coming down with pneumonia again. In late May. Because that’s the kind of hand my life is so very fond of dealing me, didn’t you know? I am quite possibly going to die. Perhaps I should write my will? I’ll leave everything to Algernon, who has been giving me a cuddle for the past hour because he loves me when nobody else does. Also, he just brought me bacon. Ha. Ha ha ha.

Terry Heaney was following me around again today. He came up to me during lunch, but he didn’t get to say anything because I took off my sandal and whacked him over the head with it. I got a detention for my efforts, but I don’t care. I’m not going. Self defense, Professor Sprout, you stupid old cow.

---

I might rethink the will. Emily and Beatrice just now voiced their worry for my health, which means that Algernon is not the only concerned party. Oddly, they both asked me why I’ve been acting so angry lately. Have no idea what they’re on about. Since when have I been angry?!

---

Sirius didn’t go to class today. I haven’t seen him anywhere. Peter went, though, alone. He sat next to Lily, the traitor, but didn’t talk to her much. Remus and I decided to keep working on the modified Silencing Charm during Transfiguration, at least until McGonagall gave us her disapproving look.

Tried to Summon the Map, but wherever Sirius is, he’s taken it with him. McGonagall held me after class to ask where he was, and I said he was ill. She didn’t look like she believed me. Dunno what he’s thinking, skiving off so much class. Even I know that’s dead stupid.

After Quidditch but before Astronomy I researched some Translation Charms in the library. They’re not very good, or so Sirius has told me, but it’s better than nothing. I have everything planned out so that this weekend will be the best weekend of my life.

Vous êtes incroyablement attirant et je veux vous faire l'amour maintenant.

I couldn’t find a translation for sexy. Damn.

No bacon from Algernon last night. I hope he doesn’t think I’m getting fat.

Friday 23rd May

I got two detentions in Herbology. One for not turning up to last night’s, and the other because apparently I was ‘cheeky’ to Professor Sprout when confronted about it. Again, don’t care, not going to go to either. I don’t know how protesting that Terry Heaney is a perverted little shit who deserved what he got can be considered cheeky, but there you go. And why did everyone look so shocked when I said it? It’s true!

---

Damn, double damn, and a pint of damn for the weekend! I’ve bollocksed things up royally. Even the promise of tomorrow’s match isn’t cheering me up.

Tonight I was supposed to finally become a man. I had everything all set up – I made sure Remus and Peter would be out of the dormitory, nicked some wine from the staff room, and even had some candles floating about. I invited Lily up, and things were progressing nicely. I made sure to point out how I’d stood up to Sirius for her, and I threw in lots of sexy French phrases. I might’ve said I loved her. I can’t remember a lot of tonight because it’s all blotted out by what happened next. The only thing I remember clearly is that we’d progressed farther than we ever have before, and when I made to move towards the final stage, she completely lost it. I tried to soothe her with more French, but she punched me. Hard. In the face! Not sexy at all.

She threw on her clothes and stormed out. That was probably the worst moment, actually, when she opened the door and Sirius was standing there. He threw one glare at me and then ran off. Then Lily came back, punched me again, and left.

I will not be telling Peter about this botched attempt. I’m sure he never got punched in the face for his efforts with Helena, and I know he doesn’t know any French! The injustice of it. I did give a very summarized version to Moony, who helped me patch up my eye. He tried very hard not to laugh. I can’t blame him for failing to hold in it entirely, so long as he tells no one.

He said he could probably explain things, but that I wouldn’t want to know until after the match tomorrow. Whatever. I’ve sent Algernon off for some fudge because I’m dead depressed now. My life is shit.

---

I hate James Potter. Hate him! Words can’t describe how much I want to cut his fucking dick off, the bastard!

Why do I hate him, diary? I’ll tell you why, because the stupid little dipshit tried to have SEX with me! As in, he tried to take the virginity of a girl he isn’t even dating (and let’s face it, never would have been because he would have dropped me right after he got what he wanted) just because he knew how much she, I, sorry, liked him.

I actually felt really happy for the first time in days when he brought me up to his dorm room earlier, because he had it decorated all prettily and kept hugging me and telling me that I was beautiful and clever and amazing. I told him how I’d had a terrible week, and he was all, ‘Oh, Lily, darling, don’t worry. I’m going to take care of you because I love and worship you oh so very much and have only the purest of intentions, and I want to marry you and live in a little cottage with Algernon and our children, who will all be incredibly attractive and intelligent because you are their mother, and I think you should be my girlfriend because my life is nothing without you and blah, blah, fucking blah!’

Before you think it, diary, I’m not embellishing on this story one bit. He said all of that, and I believed it. He also said the weirdest amount of crap to me in French, most of which I couldn’t understand because he hadn’t constructed the sentences properly, but even then I didn’t catch on to what his aim was because I thought he was trying to be funny. Worse than that, I let him put his slimy, perverted hands and lips on places that I’d never let anyone else near, and (this makes me feel sick to even write) he’s now even seen me in my underwear. Kill me now, please. Thank you.

If I hadn’t been drinking some of that wine, and if I hadn’t felt so disorientated and dizzy from being sick already, I think I would have punched him when he started taking my blouse off. Thankfully, I came to my senses when he tried to commit the final act, and started shouting at him to get a grip. After which he told me, using the most correct and intelligible French I'd heard all evening, that I smell like a pig. So then I punched him. Hard. In the face. Twice.

Which brings me to now. I ran to my own dorm and vented my feelings a bit by chucking a vase at the window. Naturally, this confused my dorm mates, but I refused to talk to any of them and shut myself away behind my curtains. For some reason, now, I feel dizzier and weaker than ever. My stomach really, really hurts. Probably because that wanker was kissing it earlier. I think I'm going to be sick.

Incidentally, I’m really glad that I have on my nice underwear, and not my horrible old granny knickers. That would have been really humiliating.

Saturday 24th May

Things with my mates have now reversed. Sirius and I are all right, Peter and I were never exactly off, and I’m not speaking to Remus. Well, I might tomorrow, but not tonight. Too upset.

We won the match. Brilliant, but nothing compared to the loss of my best mate and my woman. I was terrifically magnificent, Wood had a few moments, and Eira Hubbard captured the Snitch at the right moment. Perfect win, but it didn’t really matter all that much to me.

There was a post-victory part in the common room, as is custom, but I dragged Remus up to the dormitory to make him explain what happened last night. He told me Lily has been strange all week, and that she got detention and didn’t go. This struck me immediately as very unlike her. In hindsight she had been bitchier than normal, and Remus said Wood and Booth mentioned Lily had been feeling physically ill, too. No clue how I missed out on Lily breaking two of her fingers! I got annoyed that she hadn’t mentioned it to me, but more to the point, that Remus hadn’t told me this earlier! I know all about seducing women – I read a book one time. Well, more of a pamphlet, but in any case, I know better than to seduce women who are on the verge of vomiting. Remus knew this all week, and he never once told me! Even last night, when it would’ve really come in handy, all he did was decide to tell me today, apparently thinking I would lose the match and be mad that he’d told me. Lies, is all I can say. Lies! Lily matters more to me than any Quidditch match.

I’ve had enough of Remus withholding information. I usually don’t mind because he’s so paranoid about losing us as friends (rubbish, of course), which can make a bloke do some strange things, but inasmuch as I’ve had enough of Sirius’s attitude, I’ve had enough of Remus’s refusal to do anything.

Emboldened by my confrontation with Remus, and worried that I’d be without any mates by the end of the day, I hunted Sirius down today after the game. I intimidated Peter into telling me that he’s been hanging about in a disused room on the third floor. Sirius was not best pleased to see me, but it was no matter. I locked the door behind me and had it out with him. There were some hexes, and afterwards we had to visit Pomfrey, but at least now I know what’s what: the Death Eaters tried to recruit Sirius. All week they were leaving him notes about how I was bound to realize his blood would triumph over his friends, and how I would pick a Muggle-born over him (mind, they used a much more vulgar word, one I refuse to write). I sorted him out about that straight away. I can have Sirius and Lily. Assuming I win back Lily, of course. Anyway, Tuesday night some of the Death Eaters met with Sirius (forced meeting, I might add) and tried to make him see how much I was turning away from him. Not on! Long story short, we’re fine. Not perfect, but I’ve put his worries to rest for the moment. I convinced him to meet with McGonagall on Monday to explain his absences. He didn’t like that bit, but now that he and I are speaking again, I don’t want him to have to spend every night in detention when he could be playing more Polish Pirate Poker with me.

Off to find Lily and try to explain last night, and to find out why she’s got her knickers in a twist. I’m half-optimistic, half-terrified that she’ll go beyond physical violence into magical means. I’ve heard things from other blokes. I like my bits right where they are, thank you!

---

Quidditch game was today, but I didn’t go. When I woke up and went down to breakfast this morning, I managed one slice of toast before I had to run to the bathroom in order to deposit said toast in a cistern. I assume this means I am still sick. Also, I’ve had a falling out with Emily (entirely her fault, mind you) because I eventually had to tell her and Beatrice what happened with Potter last night just to get them to stop nagging me, and while Beatrice was furious, Emily saw things in a different light. According to her, I let him undress me and do certain other things that I never want to think about again, so that means that I can’t blame him for thinking he’d gotten the all clear. I told her to go fuck herself then. Fucking Miss Perfect, Emily is.

I bet poor Rob is suffering because she’s a prissy bitch who won’t do anything with him.

Erm, oh my god. I was just looking for a new quill to write in here with, as my last one’s nib broke a second ago, and I found this note wedged in my Potions book.

Tell your blood-traitor boyfriend that this is what he gets for not doing as he’s told, Mudblood.

Is that supposed to be threatening? For Merlin's sake, I’ve seen Peter make better threats before! What utter crap. There’s obviously some Death Eater shit out there who wants to make Lily Evans cry, or something. Well, if he thinks that some stupid note that’s addressed more to the world’s biggest prick than it is to me is going to achieve that, he’s a fucking idiot. I will not be bullied by Death Eaters! I took on four of them at once, and won! With no lasting damage other than a tiny scar on my face, and nobody even notices that! Men are all fucking pigs!

---

We won the Quidditch match (like I care), so now I can’t go downstairs because the victory party rumpus will worsen my headache. I thought that Potter would be down in the common room with all of his admirers who are just dying to be impregnated by the speccy git, but that was not so. He just came up the girls’ staircase, with his stupid broom in hand, and came into the dorm. The persistent shit kept pleading with me to let him ‘explain things,’ and credit to him, he didn’t even move when I pointed my wand at his crotch and started counting backwards from five. Thankfully Beatrice grabbed his Cirrus off him then and managed to beat him out of the room with it, after which he fell down the slide. Ha.

Emily, for some reason, doesn’t seen angry about this morning. She kept asking me if anything else is on my mind. She probably feels bad because she knows how much of a bloody cow she was earlier. Don’t care, I’m not talking to her.

I’m so effing enraged about that letter! And Potter! I want to shove it down his throat and watch him choke to death.

Sunday 25th May

Today, in an unusual moment of clarity, I knew I should talk to Wood. She’s been more or less rooting for me all along, and she talks to Lily loads more than I do. Plus, last night’s attempt at reconciliation failed miserably. Wood and I chatted a bit in the common room after breakfast. She agrees that Lily has been very off lately, but neither of us could puzzle together why. The conversation was mildly productive, in that Wood is going to investigate the matter more heavily. Then there was the most awkward moment of my life when she mentioned Friday night’s events. Discomfiting, talking about making moves on your woman with said woman’s best mate. On the upside, she thinks it wasn’t entirely my fault. On the downside, I had to discuss that failure with her. Luckily, I don’t think she noticed my discomfort. I’m dead good at hiding things like that.

Those Death Eaters are clever, but not clever enough by half. I can recognize patterns when I see them: me, then Sirius. That leaves Remus. And Peter, I suppose, but he’s a half-blood, and I can’t see him rising to the top of Voldemort’s ranks or anything. They probably think they have a chance with Remus because he’s a werewolf. Irritating, because they wouldn’t know about that if Padfoot hadn’t let it slip to Snape fourth-year. But what’s done is done, and it’s true that the wizarding world is ridiculous when it comes to werewolves, which is why I was even further resolved to fix things with Remus today. We Marauders need to stick together!

Won’t go into the details of the conversation, as it wasn’t nearly as explosive or interesting as the one I had with Sirius yesterday, but the short of it is this: I will try to get information on my own, and not rely on Remus for everything. In return, he will tell me as much as one mate can be expected to tell another. A fair trade.

Sorting things out with Peter was dead simple:

Me: We’re cool, yeah?

Peter: Yes.

If only all my friendships were this straightforward.

All the talking I’ve done this weekend made me feel almost girly, so I insisted on a spontaneous round of Poker, which is manly if nothing else. I’ve fallen to second place, and somehow Peter triumphed over Remus and stole his Queen of Hearts. Damn. Sirius and I made a temporary truce to enlarge the gap between ourselves and the other two. Brill plan. I can definitely come out the winner of the next round if I research the right sort of Heating Charm.

---

I got another letter today, this time delivered to me at breakfast, via school owl.

Don’t think that this is just your boyfriend’s fault. You’re a Mudblood, see? Why do to a pure-blood what we could do to you? You deserve what you’re getting just as much as he deserves to see it happen.

Beatrice saw me get the note and read it over my shoulder like the nosy cow she is. She started going on about telling Dumbledore, but I made her promise not to tell a soul, not even Emily, and swore that I could handle this myself. Which I can, just as soon as I start feeling better. After a lot of argument, she agreed, on the condition that I am able to deal with this problem without help. If it gets too much for me, she insisted, she’ll let it to Dumbledore and I’ll need to slit her throat to stop her. With the mood I’ve been in lately, the idea gets quite appealing, to be honest. No need for it though, as I don’t need any help.

Emily keeps trying to talk to me. She started on me a while ago, saying stuff like, ‘I know you’re upset about Friday, you feel ill, blah blah, but please tell me if something else is wrong.’ I asked her first if she was me, and then if she knew everything that has been going on in my life recently. No surprise, she said no. So then I told her to stop pretending that she did and keep her nose out of my business.

I can’t stop sweating. Also, I’ve got a rash on my stomach and arms, along with the vomiting, dizziness, tiredness and ear, stomach and head aches that I’ve become accustomed to. I better get over this thing quickly if I want to start killing Slytherins. They all deserve to be castrated, the whole lot of them. If Avery sneers at me one more time I’m going to slit his throat open.

Rash is oozing weird pus-like stuff on my stomach. I’m going to bed.

Chapter Text

Monday 26th May

Lily looked like shit today. This has confirmed my suspicions that something is dead off, since normally she looks rather attractive when she’s ill. Clearly this is not something natural. I actually was almost scared of her today when I asked her how she was doing. If she weren’t so upset with me from Friday, I’d Stun her and drag her to the Hospital Wing myself. Wood slipped me a note in Charms saying she couldn’t get anything out of Lily yesterday. Shit. Not sure what to do. Might have to consult with Remus on this. All my mates, if they can be persuaded, and I suspect they can, even Sirius. He’s not blind, and anyone with half-decent eyesight could have seen Lily’s demented behavior today.

No Quidditch tonight. Dead strange having all my nights open. Padfoot and I went out to the Shack for an hour or so to work on Comeuppance. Comeuppance of another sort will need to be enacted against those Death Eaters that tried to break apart the Marauders. I won’t stand for it!

---

Lily has just shouted at Algernon for sitting on her lap and ‘making her too bloody hot.’ This is ridiculous. I love her, and as such, I refuse to let this continue. Also, who shouts at a cat? Even I’ve never resorted to that. That’s what forced diets are for.

---

Emily, Remus, Beatrice, Karl and Potter all pissed me off today. They all keep staring at me, whispering to each other and passing notes. I’ve been apprehended by each of them at different times. Emily and Beatrice walked with me practically everywhere, and Emily keeps touching my arm and pleading with me to talk to her. Karl annoyed me just because he was being Karl, but I placed the Full Body-Bind on him and that shut him up. Remus was probably the worst, he cornered me in the library and went all saintly on me, saying that I could trust him if I needed to talk, and that everyone is worried and they all love me. Nonsense, all of it. I asked him how I can be expected to trust him when he won’t trust me and tell me certain things about himself that I already know. I know he understood what I meant, because he went really white and quiet. Probably afraid that I’m going to go blabbing to everyone that he's a werewolf. I left before he could say anything else, and then stayed in the girls’ bathroom for a while because I felt like I’d seriously hurt the next person who came near me.

And then after I got back to the common room, bloody Potter came up and asked me how I was feeling. I’ve never felt more like killing him in my life, and I think he got the message because he looked pretty scared and backed away from me. His stupid cat kept jumping on me, too. I would have given it a kick, but Potter was looking and I didn’t want to give him another excuse to come over.

Then, one of the suits of armor fell over in the corridor on the way to dinner, and would have hit me, only Black was walking nearby and yanked me out of the way, a bit bloody roughly, as it happens. He’s probably the one who made it topple over and then panicked because he didn’t want to get expelled, ergo, he had to ‘save’ me from it He wouldn’t be able to wet himself over Potter if he was expelled, would he? Ha. I shoved him away and he hit his head against another suit of armor. Deserves it. 

I look shit. My face looks like it’s been rubbed in grease. Rash has spread more, and is still oozing in certain areas. I have to wear my robes to hide it, as you can see it beneath my school blouse, which only makes me hotter. No longer care how I look. I hope I die in my sleep.

Beatrice is still sticking to her promise, which I’d be grateful for if she’d just stop bloody nagging me to let her break it and/or go to the hospital wing. I can take care of myself!  I promised her that I’ll go to Pomfrey later, after I have a nap. I’m too tired to walk all the way down there, to the hospital wing. It’s too far. Beatrice should fucking well leave me alone!

And why is it so fucking hot in this stupid dorm?!

---

Found another note in bag:

Don't worry, it’ll all be finished with in a few weeks. And when it is, nobody’s going to care, Mudblood, not even your blood-traitor boyfriend. Nobody really gives a shit about filthy, dirty vermin anyway.

Rash is everywhere except on my face. Lucky that, I can still hide it. Really hot, going back to sleep.

Tuesday 27th May

Was too late to go see Pomfrey when I woke up last night, but I’ll go later, I swear! I just pushed Beatrice’s Transfiguration book off the table because she won’t stop hissing in my ear about it. 

Everywhere hurts. Very hot. Sleepy. McGonagall loves me, she won’t mind if I close my eyes for a few secon minutes.

--- 

I’ve been cursed. There you go, diary.

Don’t ask me how I was cursed or who did it, but Madame Pomfrey says that cursed I was indeed, and badly so. It’s Dark Magic, of course, a way to seriously damage your enemy without being held in any suspicion. Mainly, it’s designed to make the victim, in this case, me, get sicker and sicker until eventually their health gives way completely, by feeding on negative experiences, paranoia and stress. Also, in layman’s terms, it turns you into a right bitch, too. I guess that explains why I’ve taken to punching, pushing, swearing and shouting at people recently. I’ve been walking around for the past week and a half under the influence of a potentially fatal curse and I didn’t realize it! And I probably would have suffered on for another little while if I hadn’t fallen asleep in Transfiguration. I was brought here when Beatrice couldn't wake me up.

When Emily, Beatrice and James (James?) brought me up to the hospital wing, Dumbledore was called and figured out pretty quickly that I had been cursed. Beatrice ran back up to the dorm and got the letters while Emily recounted everything that’s happened to me lately (my owl, fingers, etc.). I don’t really know what else happened then, but after everything had been revealed, Dumbledore did some weird magic that removed the curse from my body. He came into the hospital wing (I was woken up for that very reason) a little while ago and asked me why I hadn’t come to him sooner. I didn’t know what to say, diary. Why hadn’t I? He is going to try his best to discover who did this to me, but said that he can’t exactly throw all of the Slytherins out just because my friends (all of whom were very tearful, apparently. I love my friends!) and I have vague ideas about who it could be. I doubt anyone will get thrown out, everyone knows that Dumbledore doesn’t like expelling his students. He gives people second chances all the time. I used to admire that about him, but now I think it’s probably a sign of dementia.

Dumbledore also said that James seemed more upset than anybody else earlier, which makes me want to throttle someone. Or cry. 

I suppose I should feel happy that I’m being taken care of, but I don’t. I feel just as angry and upset as I did before. I really deserved what I got, didn’t I? I've always been so cruel and mean and selfish. I treat everybody so badly. I’ve done so many horrible and evil things; I've had this coming to me, haven't I? Oh no, wait, actually, I haven’t! This is all because my loving, kind, caring and dead parents were Muggles! Filthy, dirty Mudbloods, just like me! You can see how that renders me deserving of a slow and painful death.

Nobody has been in to see me since I woke up and I don't want to see anyone. I’ve been reading back on my recent entries, diary, and I feel terrible. I can't believe I said that to Remus! Sweet, kind, lovely Remus whom I’ve always admired so much. He’s never done or said a thing to me to deserve that kind of treatment. Please, please, please tell me I didn’t. He’ll hate me. And Emily and Beatrice! My best friends on earth! Oh god, they were only trying to take care of me, and I threw it back in their face. I’m a horrible, horrible person, and I won’t blame any of them if they never forgive me. Hate myself.

Pomfrey says that I still have some time to go before the effects have left my system completely, so she’s putting me to sleep until well into tomorrow because the process will be quite painful otherwise.

Hopefully I won’t wake up, ever.

---

Lily was cursed. I didn’t notice. I tried to sleep with her, for Merlin’s sake! I am a right fool.

After Lily was taken to the Hospital Wing, Pomfrey had to eventually kick me out. I refused to leave entirely, though, and ended up just pacing outside in the corridor until my mates dragged me away. I started in on one of my I Don’t Deserve Her rants, but they stopped me. Remus pointed out that once I knew she was ill I tried to help, and that I’d worked with Lily’s friends to figure out what was going on. Even Sirius refused to let me mope about, which was unexpected. Don’t know what that’s all about.

Regardless, I still think I was being dead stupid. Those fucking Death Eaters probably wouldn’t have cursed her if I weren’t her boyfriend. I can’t believe she got the curse instead of me because I’m a pure-blood. Merlin, it makes me so fucking angry! I’m going to find out which Death Eaters were responsible for this, and I will murder them.

I need to go think things out, and then talk to Lily. I should take Algernon with me for protection in case she decides I was too much of an idiot and tries to curse me into nonexistence.

---

Lily is apparently sleeping until tomorrow. Have decided to camp out in Hospital Wing with the Cloak and Algernon. I’ve done none of my assignments for tomorrow, but I can’t be arsed. The woman I love comes before schoolwork.

Wednesday 28th May

I woke up at eleven this morning to find Emily and Beatrice sitting on the end of my bed, neither of them annoyed or angry at all. I started to apologize immediately, but they shushed me and told that I’m not allowed to. Their only concern is that I feel better, they say, and that I get back to being my usual cheery self again. They were so nice and kind, and even brought with them moisturizers and nail polish and various other things like that, which Emily used to ‘make me look like Lily again,’ while Beatrice brushed my hair, because she knows how my mother used to do that for me when we watched television in the evenings, and how much I miss it. It made me want to cry, and it took a lot of effort not to. Their obvious love and relief to see me recovering made me appreciate exactly how much they both mean to me, which is something I’ve never done before. I think this experience has done quite the opposite of what I feared, and brought us closer together. I love my friends. So much.

Both Emily and Beatrice are furious about what I’ve gone through, and quite obsessed with finding out who did it, but I can't share in their enthusiasm yet. It seems I’ve run out of anger. I don’t want to feel or think or see anything negative for a while. As silly and storybookish as it sounds, I just want to be around the people I love, and do and discuss things that make me happy. Negativity, as anyone could probably guess now, diary, is not going to do me any good.

Anyway, as she brushed my hair, Beatrice started asking me about when I was planning to talk to James. I didn’t know how to answer her, diary. I’ve been trying not to think about it, but as it happens, distraction came in the form of the very person. I was trying to think of something I could say to change the subject, when this god almighty snarl came from the middle of the room and Algernon jumped right out of what appeared to be thin air and on to my lap. That’s when I started to cry, diary. I’ve never had a bigger shock in my life, and I already felt unsafe enough as it was. Understandable, I hope, considering that I was cursed and didn’t know it. That doesn’t do wonders for your feeling of security or anything.

Right after that, Madame Pomfrey came running out of her office to find the source of the commotion, slipped over and collided with James, who was standing there in his Invisibility Cloak! Which made me cry harder, because I was so happy to see him and also really upset, for the same reason. Naturally, Pomfrey assumed that it was he who had made me cry, not his cat, and went bananas, ordering the whole lot of them, James, Beatrice and Emily, to leave immediately. I told Beatrice to force Remus to visit me first thing tomorrow before she shoved them out, and she hugged me for the first time in years and promised she would. I could hear Emily and James bickering all the way down the corridor. How long was he in here? And why wouldn’t he talk to me when he was? I’m too... how am I expected to figure out what he was doing?

It’s been an odd day, diary.

---

Plan did not go as expected. I woke up when Wood and Booth came into the Hospital Wing, which meant I wasn’t able to talk to Lily. Good thing, though, since I’d forgot overnight what I’d meant to say to her. I couldn’t leave the Hospital Wing without being noticed, so I was forced into eavesdropping. Informative. Odd, too. Never seen Wood that, well, affectionate before. And Lily was back to her normal self! Thank Merlin. No lasting damage.

Things were fine until Booth asked Lily about me. I may have grabbed Algernon a bit too tightly (out of protectiveness, not nerves), and he went a bit psycho and ran to Lily. She started crying. Once more James Potter succeeded in making her cry. Fuck. I tried to apologize, but Pomfrey kicked us all out. Wood immediately started giving me shit for terrifying Lily, although I did partially deserve it. When she stopped shouting Wood, Booth, and I discussed how we could discover who’d cast the curse. They’re joining us Marauders for a planning session later tonight.

After dinner I snuck back into the Hospital Wing. I pointedly forgot to take Algernon. (I’ve put him on a diet again to teach him a lesson about overreacting.) Lily wasn’t overjoyed to see me. She also did not start hexing me on sight. I took this as a good sign and apologized for Friday. And for not noticing earlier. And for Algernon’s behavior. All in all I probably apologized for everything I’ve ever done, and she accepted. She accepted! We’re all right! It was a lot like the conversations I had this weekend, only better because I am in love with Lily Evans, and she at least doesn’t think I’m a piece of shit. I’m rather inclined to believe she fancies me a whole lot, despite my errors in the past week. She likes me enough to make an agreement with me about our relationship, whatever it is. We came up with the following list of points we will both abide by:

1) James Potter and Lily Evans are not dating. They are not dating other people, but they are not an ‘item.’

2) Lily Evans and James Potter may snog as much as they would like, so long as they ask first. Things will not progress beyond this point without the express permission of both parties.

3) James Potter and Lily Evans should talk to each other directly and not use Remus Lupin, or any other person, as an intermediary.

4) Lily Evans and James Potter will attempt to communicate better. This includes eliminating misinterpretations and assumptions that both parties may experience.

5) James Potter will not start walks with Lily Evans, and then leave her to finish walking his cat.

6) Lily Evans will tell James Potter if she receives any more threats, note-form or otherwise.

7) James Potter will not provoke Severus Snape even if he is a disgusting Death Eater.

8) Lily Evans will not force James Potter to pick between her and his friends.

9) James Potter will not attempt to speak languages he has not formally studied.

10) James Potter will teach Lily Evans how to play Polish Pirate Poker.

The one we disagreed about most was the last item. Polish Pirate Poker is a Marauder game! I shouldn’t have told her about it. Although it will be nice to have another default ally in the game, I suppose.

She also told me to thank Sirius for saving her from the suit of armor. I had no idea what she was on about, so she explained. Must confront him about this. He’s probably embarrassed, the twat. I owe him quite a bit for that. He’d better not try to get me to let him win Poker, though, because there is no way he’s getting away with that.

Thursday 29th May

James came back to the hospital wing yesterday evening to see me, sans his mad cat this time. Although I do love the mad cat, I have to admit. I was apprehensive at first, but he was so sincere in his (many) apologies and seemed so distressed about the whole thing that I felt myself relenting in spite of myself. It seems I just have to accept that I have absolutely zero resistance against him, diary. It’s not a nice fact, but at least I know now that my feelings are reciprocated, and I could do a whole lot worse.

In order to ensure that James maintains his new resolution to be honest with me, I gave him a sheet of paper and point blank ordered him to draw up a contract, detailing the things we are going to have to work on if we ever want to start dating properly. Sounds a bit insane for two teenagers, I know, but I don’t want us to become one of those couples who go out for a few months and then split up. I think I’ve invested too much in him already to end up that way. Therefore, I don’t see the harm in making our relationship healthy before said relationship begins. You could call it a head start, I suppose.

He agreed, of course, and eventually a contract was created, after a few minor arguments. I felt that some of his demands, for example, ‘James Potter should have Lily Evans’s full permission to defend her honor by transforming any person who tries to flirt with or proposition her into a goat,’ were unnecessary and refused to include them. Annoyingly, he would not include my request of ‘James Potter must stop staring at Lily Evans’s breasts, as her eyes are situated in her head,’ arguing that it’s out of his control, and that if I wanted him to not look at my body, I shouldn’t have let it become so appealing. Of course, I melted right after that, and let him leave it out. Weak, Evans. You’ll have to toughen up.

We’ve got a month left in school, and I’ve decided that if by the end of that month, we haven’t stuck to the contract, we never will, and I’ll then force my friends to force me to call the whole thing off. Fingers crossed!

After I ate my breakfast this morning, six people came trooping into the hospital wing to see me. I’m not exactly sure why James’s friends and my friends have suddenly taken to hanging around together, but I decided not to question it. Instead, I had to ask everyone bar Remus to leave as I needed to talk to him. Only James got all suspicious and didn’t want to, so I had to let him sit there while I groveled to Remus about my previous actions. He accepted my apology at once and wasn’t mad at all, which was very sweet of him. Still, I made sure he knew that even though I’ve known for a long time, thanks to Severus (although I never rose to his bait and acknowledged it to him. I’m not in the habit of talking about people behind their backs), I’ve never told anyone, never thought of him as anything other than the lovely person he is, and that I admire and respect him infinitely. Then I made him give me a hug, which scared him quite a bit. I don’t think he's used to being around girls.

Pomfrey won’t tell me when I’m getting out, which is irritating. Everyone keeps stopping by to ask me if I know when yet, so they can plan some sort of celebratory thing. James told me that if I’m out at the weekend, he’ll bring me to Hogsmeade. No idea how he'd manage that as it’s not a Hogsmeade weekend, but I presume he has some sort of a plan. As he says, he is a Marauder, after all.

---

There is a plan. Oh, is there a plan. Our revenge will be swift and just. Mulciber will get his just desserts. Poisonous desserts. That look tasty but will make you ill the next day. Yes, exactly like that. Only better.

I don’t care what Dumbledore and McGonagall have told me. Those Death Eaters have crossed the line (they can’t even see the line!), and I will not stand for it. Nor will I sit for it. In fact, I’m going to go plot some more. Also must visit Moony, as he’s feeling ill. Full moon tomorrow.

Where’s Algernon? Bacon will help my thought processes.

Friday 30th May

I’m out! Free! Recovered(ish)! Madame Pomfrey let me out this morning before breakfast. She gave me this potion that I am to take before bed tonight, and a warning to come back in a couple of days so she can check up on me, and let me out! Huzzah!

I went down to the Great Hall in search of my friends, and I found them sitting with the Marauders at the end of the table, removed from everyone else. They were all leaning forward in their seats and whispering like they didn't want anyone to hear them. I hope they’re not planning to exact revenge or something, because they’ll all end up in serious trouble. Anyway, Beatrice and Emily started screaming when they saw me, and there was an embarrassing moment where they jumped out of their seats, hugged me and danced around like the silly girls they are. You would think that I had been gone for three years, not three days. I love them, diary. I also loved the way everyone started waiting on me when I sat down. Hehe, I adore getting special treatment, so I might as well enjoy it while it lasts!

Beatrice and Emily are throwing me a little party in our dorm tonight. It was decided after a slight altercation at breakfast because James wanted to spend the evening with me too (Yay!). Beatrice started going on about how they should get me tonight because James is going to have the rest of his life to spend time with me (Is he? What?), and how he could have the whole day in Hogsmeade with me tomorrow. So she won. Only when that happened, Sirius and Peter said that they wanted to go to Hogsmeade too. And then the girls said that they couldn’t trust a load of boys with me. So I guess we're all going. With the exception or Remus, who is ‘feeling ill’ (code for ‘reason that I cannot explain to Emily and Beatrice, no matter how much the latter whinges about it’). I suspect that certain members of this group (all of them) actually aren’t vying to spend time with me because they want to, but because they want to keep an eye on me. In case I’m attacked again, I suppose.

A house-elf has just turned up in our dorm with food. Now I know why Beatrice was so confident that she could get food from the kitchens even though she doesn't know how to find them. How did she get a house-elf to do that for her?


---

Travesty abound. Amongst other strange things that we got up to this evening, Emily came up with the idea of making a list of the five best-looking boys in Gryffindor. See if you agree with this, diary, because I most certainly don’t.

5) Terry Heaney (they both think he’s ‘dark and brooding.’ Yick)
4) Evan McNamee (He’s pretty good looking, and Emily agrees, but Beatrice thinks he looks like a beaver)
3) James Potter (I don’t know what bothers me more, Emily’s insistence that he’s not attractive, or Beatrice's insistence that he’s a total sexpot. Will be keeping a close eye on her from now on)
2) Sirius Black (No! No! I was outvoted. He would have come third if I hadn’t stupidly agreed that he wasn't horribly disfigured. How could he beat James? How could anyone beat James?! Do people here actually have eyes?)
1) Remus Lupin (The only person we could all agree on)

James should have come first, Remus second, and Terry and Black shouldn’t even be on the list. Black is so plain! And James is so handsome, and he has that lovely hair. My friends are fools. Beatrice, at least, has some taste, but now I’m going to freak out every time she so much as looks at my man. Mine!

Must go, we’re sneaking up to Terry Heaney’s dorm and giving him a makeover. That’ll be a nice surprise for when he wakes tomorrow morning. Ha. Hahaha.

Saturday 31st May

Hogsmeade visit today. Thanks to my cunning genius, the Marauders and Lily & Co. were able to go sneak into The Three Broomsticks, although Remus was still recuperating with Pomfrey. Poor bloke. The day was dead fun, though. Right up until Booth mentioned that she and the other girls decided I am somehow horribly unattractive. Apparently they have made a list of the most attractive blokes in Gryffindor. And who won? Remus! And Sirius came after him! Then me. I’m feeling dead unattractive. How could I lose to Remus?! And Terry Sodding Heaney was on the list! I don’t want to be on any list he’s on, especially not after his exotic get-up this morning. Don’t know what that was all about – he’s dead strange like that. In any case, I think I hid my shock and outrage quite well. Definitely better than Peter. Being beat out by Terry Heaney… that’s painful. Especially since Lily and I agree we think he’s pining after Helena Hodge.

Lily tried to make me feel better by snogging me a bit when we got back to the castle (we were both a little tipsy, and I don’t think either of us asked first, but there was no question about consent, that’s for sure). It helped, but now I’m curled up in bed. I’ve sent Algernon for comfort food.

Tomorrow night Lily is joining us for Polish Pirate Poker. My mates weren’t best pleased to hear about it, but I semi-partially-explained the situation to them. Mostly I think they agreed so they can take advantage of her inexperience and take all of her shillings, the scoundrels.

Algernon has just returned. He’s brought haggis. Clearly he’s upset about this diet. I might have to reconsider it for my own sake.

---

What can I say about today, diary? Well, the Hogsmeade trip started out great, at least. The boys brought us down this secret passageway that led to Honeydukes cellar, and then James brought each of us out one by one under his cloak. We had a couple of good hours, during which time I actually made Sirius Black laugh on a few occasions. With me, not at me! So I was very happy, at least, until we went for lunch in The Three Broomsticks. Then the conversation went like this:

Beatrice: Oh, I know something that you just have to tell Remus! Last night, we made a list of the five most gorgeous boys in Gryffindor, and guess what, Remus came first!

James: What? What!? Who came second?

Beatrice: Sirius, obviously. Then you, then McNamee, then Terry Heaney.

James: Who decided this?!

Beatrice: Oh, all three of us. It was a completely mutual agreement. Make sure you tell Remus that I told you, yeah?

Emily: (coughs awkwardly)

Me: (mortified)

Sirius: (steals one of James’s chips, uncaring)

James: (mouth open in disbelief and possible misery)

Peter: Well.... I’ve had sex (scurries off to toilet).

Everyone: (stares after Peter)

Beatrice: (pats James’s arm) Don't worry, one day you’ll get to have sex, too!

James would not talk to anyone for the rest of the excursion, as he was in a huge sulk. I snogged him a bit when we got back to cheer him up, but I don’t think it worked, although he certainly got very into it. I can’t believe Beatrice left out the important details, like, oh, the part where I wanted James to come first on the list! And it wasn’t like I could shout out about it in the middle of lunch, it’s not appropriate and I’m not crazy like Bea! Bloody Beatrice. He probably thinks I fancy Black and Remus now, and not him. Nonsense! If James had witnessed the dream I had about us last night (I won’t say too much about it, but let’s just say that we went much further in my dream than we ever did in his dorm), he certainly wouldn’t think that I’m not attracted to him. I’ll never be able to visit Emily in the Quidditch dressing rooms again without blushing. Ahem.

Will find and convince James of his own magnificence tomorrow. Will hopefully (but not likely) get some form of compliment in return.

Sunday 1st June

Rather genius idea on my part last night when I found myself unable to sleep. I went up to James’s dorm, woke him and pretended that I’d had a really bad nightmare in order to sleep in his bed with him. I don’t feel bad about the lie, as it worked to both of our advantages. Not only did I get to spend the entire night cuddled up with my man (mine, mine, mine!), I also had the opportunity to explain the list to him properly, and compliment him enough so that his enormous ego has now been restored to its normal state. So everyone wins. We even got to talk a bit, which was really nice, but he went oddly silent after I told him about my dressing room dream (ahem!) of the night before last and I couldn’t tell if he was asleep or not. I don't think he was, somehow. Oh, I can be quite the bitch when I want to be!

Polish Pirate Poker on Monday. Remus sent me a note asking me if I’d like to conspire against the others, as they are all sure to use my inexperience to their advantage. This is definitely something to consider, diary. I sent a reply telling him I’d get back to him later.

He smells so inhumanly nice, James does. I wonder why I never noticed before.

---

Last night Lily came into my bed. She was not naked, unfortunately, but it was still dead nice. She doesn’t think I’m horridly ugly! And she stayed in my bed all night. Apparently she has been having lewd dreams of us together. It turned me on like a Charm. I had to carefully arrange my lower body so that she would not feel pressured (in either sense). She torments me so! I love the feeling of her hair. It’s so lovely, even when I wake up with some of it in my mouth. I don’t think she noticed, though, since I woke up before she did and was able to remedy the situation.

Spent the morning wandering around the grounds with Algernon. Didn’t do much of anything, really. For a while I transformed into Prongs and explored the Forbidden Forest. It’s already June, and I had some things I had to sort out.

Chapter Text

Monday 2nd June

Polish Pirate Poker is the most insane game ever invented. It’s not remotely Polish and there’s absolutely nothing pirate-y about it (apart from Peter’s lucky eye-patch and head scarf. Really, I think he overdoes it a bit. He gets so childish whenever anyone tries to touch them)! Insane. I don’t know how the boys understand their own rules. And they take it so seriously, too! Poor Remus’s bed has been destroyed! I don’t think I’ll ever want to play it again. Not just because of my bruised shins and elbows, but because I felt the entire time like I was intruding upon something sacred. It's their game, diary, I feel like I had no right to play it. I will talk to James later about changing the last contract rule to something different.

---

Tonight we played Polish Pirate Poker. I reluctantly gave Lily the notes before I went out with Algernon, and told her we’d give her the average of our shillings. I was possibly slightly nervous, since we’ve never played with more than just the four of us before. Having to account for a fifth deck threw off some of my calculations. So did the fact that Lily and Remus conspired together! Dead traitorous – one of my best mates and my woman! Not on, not on at all. Luckily I was able to counter their moves by teaming up with Sirius. They tried to force me into Betting my King of Clubs, but I was able to maneuver around it, thankfully. It might’ve been our most intense round yet – Moony’s bed might be irreparably damaged. His own fault, though. Tomorrow the Marauders are having a secret conference to decide if Lily can continue to play.

After the round, Lily and I snuck out under the Cloak to cuddle up in the Astronomy Tower. (I may or may not have been expecting a good snogging after her tormenting last night.) Too both of our utter disgust, we found Helena Hodge and Isaac Stoneham up there. Knowing one another. I tried to persuade Lily to Obliviate me, but she was having none of it, as then I wouldn’t be able to repay the favor in kind.

I need to go sick up again, I think.

Tuesday 3rd June

Last night, (eurgh) James and I caught Helena Hodge having sex with Isaac Stoneham, another third-year, in the Astronomy Tower. We were both horrified and disgusted, but James took it worse than I did. Truth be told, I couldn’t stop laughing about it for ages. For the rest of the night, James kept staring hopefully at my breasts as if looking at them would erase the memory. I complained, but he said that I deserved to have my breasts gawked at if I wasn’t prepared to Obliviate him. What a baby. I am made of tougher stuff than he is. You, diary, will remember how I accidentally walked in on Petunia and Vernon last summer while they were sexing it up. And if I can survive that without craving extensive medication/immediate death, I can survive the sight of Isaac and psycho bike wheel-barrowing all over the Astronomy Tower.

How is it that I’ve seen my own sister, her vile fiancé, Isaac Stoneham and Helena completely naked, and yet I’ve only ever seen James with his top off? It’s unfair, diary, is what it is. He got to see me in my pants! Men are such pigs.

Off to see whether or not James’s bed has been ruined beyond repair. It’ll be nobody’s fault if I happen to fall asleep while I'm there....

---

No Poker tonight, as Lily forced me to study with her. Exams are next week, I suppose, but I’m not worried. It’s not like the O.W.L.s are this year. Sixth year is a bit of a joke, actually. Just getting ready to get ready for N.E.W.T.s. It is nice to have a year off – loads more Poker and Forest jaunts than last year. We even made the Map this year, which doesn’t quite top our Animagus forms. Regardless, a good year.

What will be even better is when Mulciber, Lestrange, and Avery wake up tomorrow morning and find that they will be unable lie or omit the truth. And if Dumbledore happens to approach them and hints at their loyalties, there’s no way they won’t be expelled. We were all tempted to use much harsher forms of revenge, but as usual, our morals got in the way. No Dark Arts, no permanent harm. Tempting, so very tempting, but none of us were willing to stoop to their level. Expulsion right before their NEWTS – or in Avery’s case, exams – will be humiliating, and it will keep them from getting proper jobs. The delicious just icing on the just desserts would be if they got their wands snapped, too. Can’t wait!

Must sleep now – Lily is in my bed.

Writing that sentence makes me very excited.

I am never getting to sleep.

---

Have decided – the insomnia is worth it. Lily muttered my name in her sleep. Definitely never getting to sleep now.

Wednesday 4th June

Bloody fucking hell! Dumbledore is mad – utterly mad! I shall recap what Mulciber, Lestrange, and Avery have done within the past month:

  1. Attempted to recruit me.
  2. Attempted to recruit Sirius.
  3. Injured my woman’s owl.
  4. Attempted to murder my woman!
  5. Admitted to being Death Eaters! To Dumbledore’s face!

One would think that this list of crimes would be enough to get them expelled, but apparently it’s not! The truth spell worked fine – Dumbledore ‘happened’ across them with their left sleeves missing outside of the Great Hall – but it didn’t matter because Dumbledore just warned them off of doing anything ‘especially rash.’ BOLLOCKS! I broke away from the others and chased after him. He took me up to his office, where he gave me some rubbish about leaving things to him. Even reminding him of how Lily nearly died did nothing! He even had the gall to mention that if near-death experiences necessitated expulsion, I would be short a best friend at school.

That was too low, really. I ranted something awful at him, but he didn’t even react. All he said was that if I wanted to be treated as an adult, one in the Order of the Phoenix, I would have to adjust to the idea of things being bigger than me. I pointed out that’s not the problem I have; I take issue with Death Eaters in Hogwarts. Didn’t fucking matter. He gave me one of those looks, one of those Headmaster-y looks, and I relented. I won’t risk Headship or my place in the Order, but I let him know I’m dead pissed with his managerial style. I won’t blindly follow anyone’s instructions, damn it.

We’re now forbidden from actively seeking to injure the Death Eaters. Fucking hell. Must go tell Lily and the others of this terrible news, short the Order bit (except for Lily).

---

I love Professor Sprout. So much.

Not only did she let me off those detentions she gave me on Friday, but I went to see her in the staff room today, to get some notes I missed, and she offered to spend an hour with me this evening, going over the last few lessons. She said she understands that I have had some difficulty concentrating over the last couple weeks, due to the curse. I’ve to go to the greenhouses in a few minutes. I was going to ask McGonagall for help, too, but then Sirius Black (looking like it pained him very much, mind) offered to give me his notes and explain them to me when he overheard me telling Emily my plan at breakfast. Very odd indeed, but I accepted his offer because Black is probably the best Transfiguration student in the year, apart from James. Speaking of my man, I probably would have asked him, but I haven’t seen him all day, apart from during class.

Emily’s birthday in a few days. Luckily, I picked her present up in Hogsmeade at the weekend, but Beatrice forgot and now she’s in a panic. Emily spent a lot of money on dress robes for Beatrice’s birthday, so if Beatrice doesn’t get her anything she’ll probably be annoyed.

Off to the greenhouse!

---

Double poo. I got back from working with Sprout to find James in a pretty terrible mood. According to him, Mulciber and his friends admitted to being Death Eaters to Dumbledore's face and they weren’t even punished for it, just given a warning. Dumbledore sort of justified his motives to James, and I do agree with him, for the most part. A lot of what he said made sense. I didn’t say that to James, however, as he was already furious, and managed to cheer him up by asking if I could sleep in his bed again tonight. I explained that sleeping with him makes me feel safe and protected (not a lie, as it happens) and he seemed pretty pleased with himself after that. It was strangely nice, actually, seeing how upset he got about the whole thing. I was overcome by this insane affection for him, so I made him put his head on my lap and massaged his head for an hour. Probably because I’m due my period. Periods make people emotional, you know!

Thursday 5th June

Others reacted much as I did to Dumbledore’s attack ban, although Lily seemed more on Dumbledore’s side than mine at times. (She more than made up for this later.) We’re all right pissed, but everyone understands our limits now. Tomorrow night is another round of Poker in order to cheer ourselves up. Well, the Marauders, at least. No idea what Lily’s friends are doing, and Lily and I agreed she won’t be in attendance tomorrow, for both of our sakes.

Mulciber shoved past me in the corridor, smirking. Fucker. Luckily Lily was there to restrain me. I ranted some more during lunch, until she pointed out getting angry about it wouldn’t help. Damn her and her sense.

Ran into Edwin Edwards after Defense today and we started chatting about Quidditch next year. I reassured him of his place. This is because he’s a brilliant Beater, and also because I owe him a favor. He was too tactful to bring up the latter -- and he’s likely forgot all about saving Algernon -- but I remember, so I will repay him. Turns out he is still with Eira Hubbard. They are now engaged. I found this slightly shocking, but I think I hid it well enough. He’s barely sixteen! I’m just seventeen and although I know the girl I want to marry, I can’t imagine being engaged this young. Strange, indeed.

Off to study for exams. I hope I haven’t alienated Algernon enough to keep him from bringing me and Lily some bacon sandwiches.

---

Beatrice keeps asking me if I could give her something to give to Emily, but I persist in refusing. Beatrice has absolutely no excuse for why she didn't get Emily a birthday present, she’s rolling in money. Unlike me, with my beloved monthly budget, she has plenty of cash to throw around. Another reason why I have to excel in my exams, because if I don’t get a well-paid job after school, I won’t be able to feed, clothe or house myself. The money my parents left me will last for about another year, I think. I doubt that Petunia would help me out, and I wouldn’t want her to. I’m perfectly capable of living my own life, thank you, I just don’t have any money with which to live it. Merlin, I hate being a grown up.

Mulciber seems to be going out of his way to annoy James, and I don’t think that I’m going to be able to prevent him from retaliating for much longer. He’s furious about the whole affair, and I’m afraid that he might snap soon and do something rash. As sexy as this would undoubtedly be, I will not allow my man to be expelled because of one of those evil, slimy bastards! Maybe I should talk to Black about it? Not that he’d want to listen to me, but if I could just get it into his head that James could get into serious trouble, he might see sense and talk to James, who is more likely to listen to him than he is to me. Except he won’t, because he's Sirius Black, and Sirius Black doesn’t ‘do’ listening. I’d have better luck if I asked Mulciber to marry me. Maybe Remus or Peter?

That’s odd. Remus just ran up to his dorm room, followed closely by Beatrice, who was shouting, ‘I never asked him to take it, never!’ She's gone up after him. Most curious.


---


I don’t know exactly what happened with Bea and Remus, except that after several loud crashes, she came running into the common room in tears and threatening to ‘strangle that little runt’ (Who? Remus is quite tall, last time I checked). Emily and I tried for ages to cheer her up and find out what’s wrong, to no avail. Then Karl came over and pointed out that at least Beatrice has hair. This, after all of our hugs and compliments, not only worked, but now she’s laughing and chattering like nothing is wrong. Proof that she and Karl are completely mad. Mad!

Friday 6th June

Helena Hodge has dyed her hair, diary. Isn’t that nice? It’s red. Rather like mine, in fact. She’s charmed her shoes so that there are different colored stars on them, just like mine. She’s stopped wearing her weird, furry scarf. She has performed some kind of strange magic so that her eyes are not exactly the same color as mine, but most definitely green. She has started wearing her hair down. And, oh, I almost forgot, Helena Hodge is trying to become me!

She is! She’s imitating my walk and she’s altered her accent. She’s insane! Unhinged! She’s going to kill me in my sleep, skin me and wear me as an outfit! She is obviously doing all of this in an attempt to steal James from me. How many times to I need to remind people that James is my man?! Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine! Beatrice, Emily, Remus, Wendy Wilde, Rob, Karl and Black all find this hilarious, but they’re not the victims of identity theft, I am. Luckily, James is just as disturbed as I about it all (as is Peter, although he’s more depressed than disturbed), and assured me that he could never mistake Helena for me as I don’t have giant spots, a flabby arse or the face of a horse. How poetic. He’s been acting all self-satisfied ever since I confessed about my reasons for wanting to sleep with him, and he’s started to speak in his ‘extra deep and manly’ voice last heard in fifth year. I guess he's just not used to feeling masculine.

Edwin Edwards is engaged. Engaged. To be married. I can’t help but think that this is wrong on many levels, amongst them the fact that he’s younger than I am, and also, I can’t understand why any girl would marry a man with a lizard-like tongue. It’s just so horribly, horribly long. I suppose I can understand the desire to elope, what with the war, but I can’t ever see myself doing that with anyone. Goodness no! Anyway, I’d have to fall in love first (I am aware that I’ve announced myself in love with James on several occasions, but that was merely for dramatic purposes), I suppose, and that will likely never happen. I wonder what James’s opinion is about all of this?

Seriously, though, the tongue is revolting! Why would anyone marry that?

---

I’ve often thought Helena Hodge was a bit out there. She did sleep with Peter and Terry Heaney, after all, so clearly she can’t be all there. On the other hand, she’s always been attracted to me, so she’s not entirely without sense. Today she is officially mad. She has transformed herself into a pitiful copy of my woman. Scoundrel! No idea why she thinks this might be at all attractive to me. Her eyes are all wrong, for one. Also her hair should never be let down – it looks like a bird’s nest that was at one point set on fire. I’ve assured Lily that I have eyes for no one but the real her.

Exams start Monday. These should go considerably better than my last exam, which Snape evilly thwarted. Speaking of, justice will soon be served. In two days, in fact. I’m dead excited. If we could get away with it, I’d extend it to Mulciber and them. Wouldn’t work out, though. Nearly everything is set up.

Poker today went less than ideally. Wormtail activated his Jack of Diamonds. This should have been suicide, but he also activated his Six of Spades and picked me. Damn. If I hadn’t brought up Helena’s atrocious hair, I’m sure he would’ve picked Remus. Cost me the round, it did.

I was trying to pry Algernon out from his cozy spot under my bed when I found a watch. It is probably Lily’s. Lily will probably be most upset if I do not return it. She will also probably be upset that my cat has her watch. Two treacherous paths lie in front of me….

Saturday 7th June

I have imposed a ban on physical activities with James for the time being. Last night, whilst in his bed, he handed me the watch that Algernon zoomed away with some time ago. Apparently he found it under his bed. For some reason, I have started to find everything James does completely heart-melting, so I kissed him in thanks. This led to some snogging, which led to some very inappropriate hand placement, which could have led somewhere else if Peter hadn't woken up from a nightmare and startled us. I’m not even dating James, and as I know that things can escalate in the heat of the moment, I don’t want to end up doing something I’m not ready for. At least for a while. So I think it’s back to my bed for the time being. This is good, as I have exams to concentrate on.

I haven’t spent much time with Karl lately, so I caught up with him earlier today. Beatrice hasn't told him why she and Remus were arguing the other day (Remus has been avoiding her like the plague ever since), and she won't tell anyone else, so I guess we’ll never know. Karl showed me some funny sketches he made of Helena Hodge, with crazy eyes and various kidnapping devices. The sketches are for the comic he’s working on that details our lives, Happyslapped at Hogwarts. He said that if I hang out with him tomorrow, he’ll show me some rough drafts. This is amazing! I get final approval of my own character, Jilly Devons!

I talked to Black just now to see if they’re planning anything for Mulciber, who is still being smug and nasty. He let slip that James is planning something, but not for the person I’m thinking of. Then he walked away, whistling. I’m past ever trying to understand that boy. I’m going to do some more studying. Without James, who has been in a sulk with me all day and vowed that he can get me to lift the ban within a week. Hah!

---

Lily has now imposed a ‘ban’ on physical intimacies with me, due to exams. Dead unfair. I plan to persuade her into breaking this ban. Have not given it much thought today, though, since all day I’ve been planning with my mates for tomorrow. We then celebrated prematurely with a raucous round of Polish Pirate Poker. Sirius is in the lead, but with some clever maneuvering on my part, I should be Champion by end of term.

I may or may not have encouraged Sirius to take certain actions against Helena Hodge. She may or may not find herself bald tomorrow morning. Peter may or may not like this turn of events. Algernon has brought me bacon, though, so I can’t be bothered either way at the moment.

Sunday 8th June

I am currently in the library, trying to focus on Herbology revision and failing miserably. I didn’t sleep a wink in my bed last night due to lack of the nice, soothing noise/smell/temperature that emits from a sleeping beside me in his bed/awake beside me in his bed James Potter. It’s entirely my own fault. However, I can not and will not break my own pledge. So there.

Emily’s birthday tomorrow! I hope she likes the England Quidditch robes I bought her. I don’t know if Beatrice has thought of any gift ideas yet, as she’s no longer speaking to anyone about that or Remus. I tried to talk to Remus about their fight last night and he just mumbled something about dittany and left. Men are strange.

Speaking of weird things connected to Beatrice, I’m having a look at Karl’s comic book later (I was going to tell James that I’d be spending time alone with Karl, but he was preoccupied this morning and I didn’t want to bother him). I can’t wait! His drawings are all so amazing, and he wants my help in choosing the hero of the story! I love Karl, and I will miss him next year. Maybe I could buy him a wig or hairpiece as a mark of my fondness for him...

Merlin, is that girl over there bald?

---

Quadruple damn. Infinite damn! I couldn’t do it. No idea how I’m going to explain this to the others. Months of planning, Galleons of investment, and I couldn’t follow through!

I was in place, ready to stun any extra Death Eaters from behind so Moony could sneak into the Slytherin common room (in disguise, of course), and I’d taken my bit of Felix Felicis. Felt dead strange, being lucky, but really cool. I suddenly knew I should head to the ground floor. This didn’t seem unusual at the time, since Padfoot and Wormtail were down in the kitchens. I happened across McGonagall and Dumbledore on their way out of the staff room, and I knew I should listen to what they were saying. As chance had it, they were talking about me! Dumbledore said since I was doing so well following authority for once, he wouldn’t feel at all remiss in making me Head next year. He even hinted that if I could be trusted this far, he might mention his ‘knitting group’ to my mates, too, since I’ve proven I can keep them in line.

As much as I’m still frustrated with Dumbledore for so many things this year, I’m not willing to risk Headship, my position in the Order, or my friends’ options. To make matters worse, Lily also showed up for dinner, just in time to hold the door open for Dumbledore and McGonagall. (Looked incredibly sexy doing it, too. Her hair was mussed up a bit, probably from spending all day in worrying over exams.) This only reminded me of the contract I’ve got with her, and how I’m supposed to leave Snape well enough alone. Even thought I was sure Dumbledore would have never suspected foul play, so ingenious was the plan, I decided I didn’t want to break the contract, no matter how I could have argued semantics about provocation. I love Lily, and I don’t want to fuck things up with her (again).

After they all went into the Hall, I grabbed my mirror and called for Sirius, but much to my chagrin, there was no answer. I dashed back up to the common room and dropped off the Cloak, then rushed back to join Lily for dinner. An hour later, and I still haven’t heard from any of my mates. Not on. Lily kept asking what was wrong while we were studying in the common room. I told her Algernon had gone missing. This plan was rather ruined when he then happily trotted down the stairs from our dormitory into the common room with us. Fucking cat. He didn’t even have anything to offer me besides a hairball.

Chapter Text

Monday 9th June

All night I couldn’t help but wonder why Felix had sent me to Dumbledore. Canceling Comeuppance didn’t ‘help me with my endeavors,’ as promised by the potion. Turns out it did the same thing to Wormtail and Padfoot, too. (It would’ve done for Moony, had he taken any. He was the only one to carry out his bit of the plan, and on its own it was harmless.) They were both sent out into the Shrieking Shack, and they didn’t come back until the Felix had worn off. We were all dead confused when we reconvened last night. Moony suggested that the Felix might have gone bad, or that keeping it near Algernon had somehow tampered with its properties. None of it made sense, really. Well, not until today. Today we had exams. Today was when Snape’s brain was supposed to go unnoticeably wonky.

Today was also, as it turned out, the day we were given quick examinations for spell-interference before the exams.

Talk about lucky. Our plan hinged on the fact that except for O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s, the only sort of interferential check is a general room spell that inhibits most magic. Our plan would have slipped past that, but not the more in-depth spell they used today. Snape wouldn’t have been allowed to take his exams, and Dumbledore would have had to investigate. Everything would have been ruined.

Thanks to Felix, life plan continues. I’m sure it will be an upstream battle, as I can’t ever really stop being the salmon I am at heart, but at least I’ll have Lily, my mates, and something worth fighting for. Don’t really need much besides that, when it comes down to it. Having my cat bring me a bacon sandwich right now would be a definite bonus, though.

---

Our exams commenced today, starting with Transfiguration and History. I think I did well enough in both, even Transfig, so that's a relief. It’s also Emily’s birthday, but we aren’t celebrating until Saturday due to studying. Beatrice told Emily that she will give her her gift then, which is Beatrice speak for ‘You won't be getting a present, fool!’ Thankfully, Emily hasn’t figured that part out yet.

Shock horror! I met Karl in the library today to go over more comic book plans (at my insistence, I am now Lily Devons, Beatrice Booth is Beatrice Bluth, Emily Wood is Emily Wormwood and Karl is now Pilkington instead of Pilkerson) and we saw Peter and Helena Hodge together! He was sitting in the corner with his arm around her while she cried and vainly pulled her big hat down over her now bald head. Evidently, somebody in the school really hated her attempt at gingerism, and scalped her. I don’t know whether I should talk to Peter about this or not, as I don’t want her to hurt him again, but that still doesn’t make it any of my business. I should discuss this with Remus or Emily, I think.

James was upset about something last night and I know he didn’t want to tell me about it because he lied and said that it had something to do with Algernon. This is clear violation of the contract, but I can’t talk because I lead him to believe that the physical affection/contact ban is only for exam week, and ‘forgot’ to tell him the real reason behind it. He thinks it’s just because I don't want to waste studying time, and not because I get the urge to do ‘things’ with him whenever we’re alone. Imagine how deep the fake voice would get if he were ever to discover that, diary! Then I’d have to kill him, which would be most unfortunate because he is so very, very attractive.

I’m absolutely starving. Where’s Algernon these days? I could really go for some bacon.

Tuesday 10th June

Helena has reverted back to her scarlet woman ways! Today I saw her walking around the lake, hand in hand with Terry Heaney. Later, when I was talking to Beatrice after our Charms exam, I saw her and Peter heading towards the kitchens and also hand in hand. The bitch! I am most definitely going to talk to Peter about this later. She also somehow managed to regrow her hair, but it’s now a vile orange color. Ha. Ha ha ha.

Beatrice gleefully informed me after Charms that she finally has a present for Emily, and wants my opinion on it later. She had that crazy look in her eye that she gets sometimes, usually when she’s planning something mad, but it might just be because she was asked out by three different boys today and she’s feeling smug. Also, Remus has been staring at her all afternoon. I still need to find out what happened with them, actually.

---

Beatrice is either insane or looking to be expelled. It turns out that she stole some Amortentia from Slughorn months ago with a view to use it on Remus, but her conscience interfered and she couldn’t do it. What she’s gone and done now is diluted it with water and put it in a perfume bottle. And it works! She’s been wearing it all day, which is why she’s been garnering so much male attention. She’s planning on giving a bottle to Emily on Saturday and I can’t seem to convince her otherwise. I told her that what she’s doing is immoral, underhanded and possibly illegal, but it had no effect on her at all. Also, she let me borrow some, so I decided that there was nothing more that I could do for her. I will definitely reprimand her about it at a later date, though.

Off to study for Potions with James!

---

I think I’m falling ill. Today I found myself fantasizing about Booth. Something is not right. She is not Lily Evans, who is the only woman I could ever be attracted to. I asked Remus what he thought about Booth today. He made a low growling noise, then looked terribly embarrassed and excused himself. Dead confusing.

Speaking of psychotic women, Helena Hodge is a fucking whore. She’ll wish atrocious hair was the worst of her worries come the end of the week. Moony, Padfoot, and I are dead tired of her messing about with Wormtail. (At least there’s one person I know I can safely take revenge on. Lily might even be proud of me for it, enough to give me a kiss….)

No Poker until Friday night, and then a legitimate Hogsmeade visit Saturday. Planning to ask Lily to accompany me. It will be just the two of us. Algernon will not be invited. He has been uncooperative as of late.

Must go repair my trousers, then off to find Lily and try to entice her into breaking the ban.

Wednesday 11th June

I am so embarrassed. Today I tried to get Beatrice’s ‘perfume’ from her in order to get rid of it. Although it did work a treat last night when James came to find me for revision (he became increasingly handsy and glassy eyed as the evening wore on, and literally begged me to break my vow), the problem is that when Beatrice wears it, she seems to have a similar effect on him. He was staring at her with his mouth open at breakfast and grinning stupidly. I will not have that, diary, so I attempted to get it from her today. It’s unfair and dangerous, that perfume is. She wouldn’t give it up, and I ended up chasing her to the common room and wrestling it from her on the floor, to the delight of every male in the room. The fight ended when Black sprayed us with water from his wand (pervert) and Beatrice started yelling about how he was going to ‘wash it off.’ Much explaining followed this, and although I’m quite embarrassed about it all (Beatrice isn’t, just annoyed with me for ruining her chances), I’m not nearly as humiliated as James and Remus are. Remus went up to his room and hasn’t come out since, and James is under the impression that he’s committed some serious act of adultery and is groveling. To shut him up, I told him that I had to go meet with Karl, which has put him in an even worse mood. I forgot that I never told James that Karl and I weren’t really dating. There is some serious contract violation going on here.

Helena was kissing Peter after our Potions exam. This has to stop. I’ve had a rather inspired idea about how to solve this problem, actually. I think there's someone I have to talk to before I meet Karl....

---

Still a bit down about Comeuppance’s utter failure. Things worked out all right in the end, but it’s frustrating to know that he got away with ruining my Apparition test. I can’t test until the end of June now. It helps when I think of Lily, though. Well, it did until I started wondering if she’s secretly dating Karl Pilkerson. She and Booth were apparently trying to seduce different men by wearing love potion perfume yesterday. No wonder I was thinking about serenading Booth with Brunhilda Carmichael songs! I wouldn’t even do that for Lily. Unless she asked, of course.

I am going to try to reclaim Lily’s affections tonight. Earlier I came to the following conclusion: Peter Pettigrew can raise one eyebrow. Terry Heaney can also raise one eyebrow. Peter and Terry Heaney have both had sex. Clearly there is a correlation between the two. I have long suspected this, and am now convinced. I spent an hour in front of the mirror practicing, but to no avail. Even magic failed me.

Before I invite Lily up to the dorm, the others and I are having a meeting. Today we found Peter face-locked with Helena the Whore in an alcove outside of Potions. I sicked up a bit. We pried him off of her, though, and I shook my fist at her. Tonight we’re going to give him a stern talking-to, and then plot against her. Should be good fun.

I should also find a Hair Growth Charm before the others show up. Spellotape should have warnings about its interaction with facial hair.

Thursday 12th June

A lot happened to me in between my entry last night and this morning, far too much to recount normally. Which is why the list is my new best friend.
In the past sixteen hours, I have:

-Talked to Terry Heaney and convinced him to at least think about breaking up with Helena for good.

-Allowed Terry Heaney to rub my feet. It was a large sacrifice on my part, so Peter had better pay me back one day.

-Written six comic book storylines with Karl.

-Explained both Karl and my earlier Terry incident to James, and had a lot of my worries (e.g. he might like some other girl, not find me as pretty anymore, secretly be planning some huge prank that involves breaking my heart) laid to rest by him, which is a good development.

-Discovered the following about James: His middle name, his favorite book, Quidditch team and subject, his weird theory about how single eyebrow raising equals sex, how he came to own Algernon, and what color boxer shorts he had on last night.

-Broken my vow. A little. Sort of. A lot. But not too much, thankfully. I also have it on good authority that I will not be asked or pushed into breaking it too much for a long time.

-Slept in James's bed.

-Misplaced my bra. Had this pointed out to me by Emily five minutes ago. She’ll be smirking for the rest of the day now. I must find a way to destroy her. I’d ask Beatrice, but she’s not talking to me. I just love my friends.

---

Success! Vow was broken last night. My bed wasn’t the same without Lily in it. I tried to convince Algernon to sleep next to me earlier this week. He’s still in a right state about it. I may have told a small, insignificant lie to Lily last night, but it’s really no big deal. She’ll only have to know if we ever get married. Damn. I am planning to marry her, so she’ll have to find out my middle name eventually. My psychotic mother will pay for this one day. I should investigate legally changing it.

Not only do I have to punish Helena, I also have to kill Terry Heaney for touching my woman’s feet. Even if she volunteered for Peter’s sake. That’s just not on. Disgusting. I don’t want to think about it. I should turn him into a giant shoe. Then everyone would be happy.

One more day of exams! Thank Merlin. I’m more than ready for Poker, and for the vow to be over. Yes, it turns out it was only meant for this week. I’m still chuffed I was able to get her to break it early. Definitely was the eyebrow raise. Apparently mentioning it is enough to get a girl going. This is a secret I will take to my grave. I certainly don’t want the French finding out. They already have enough going for them, what with their damned sexy language. I can’t believe Lily is still going to France without me. Unacceptable.

Must run, it looks like Lily isn’t wearing a bra. I love when that happens.

Friday 13th June

My exams are finished! Proof that Friday 13th is not unlucky! Astronomy and Defense were yesterday and I finished up today with Herbology. Beatrice is still not talking to me and is not talking to Karl because he’s still talking to me, but one can’t have everything. I hope we make up soon, because I’m going to her house for the first week of the holidays and then she’s coming to France with me.

After the Astronomy exam, James walked me back to the common room and asked me to come to Hogsmeade tomorrow. Alone! I’d promised to spend Saturday with Emily for her birthday, but Emily has been invited to Hogsmeade by Rob and is having a big party in the common room tomorrow night instead. So I can go! I’m going on a date with James! Our first proper date, as a matter of fact. I’m elated, but also horribly nervous about the whole thing. I’ll have to find something nice to wear. Eek!

---

Shit, shit, double shit, I hate Beatrice! She’s just gone and told James that he should keep and eye on me because I dated her brother for all of last summer. I’m sure this won’t bother James at all! Especially since I’ll be spending most of the holidays in Beatrice’s house! If we make up, that is, which we won’t.

James is going to think I deliberately omitted this information (I didn’t, I just forgot!) so I could cozy up to Aaron over the hols and break up with me, or something. He gets jealous really easily and my so-called friend knows it. I’m going to murder Beatrice Booth!

---

Have just marched up to my woman in the middle of the common room and given her a sound snog in front of everyone. In my defense, Lily looked unbelievably sexy today, I couldn’t help myself. Plus, as it turns out, she is spending the summer with an ex-boyfriend of hers. And she neglected to tell me!! Booth’s brother, as it turns out. Scoundrel! I saw her first! I think a visit to Booth’s house at the beginning of summer is in order. Just as a precaution.

Letter from Mum this morning, confirming my arrival home in a week with Sirius. Useless letter. I sent one to Dad telling him to see if he can get Mum to visit Aunt Ophelie for a bit this summer to get her out of my hair. I expect this is as likely to succeed as the Cannons are to win their next match.

Poker in five. Then hopefully Lily will come up and join me in bed. A perfect end to exam week. If only Algernon were more agreeable, then nothing would be amiss. As it is, he is ignoring me. Wanker.

Saturday 14th June

It’s nine in the morning, and I’m sitting in a very awkward position writing this entry because James is asleep and currently using my stomach as a pillow. His lovely head makes a useful surface to write on, however, so I won’t complain. He fell asleep in that position last night while I was giving him an apologetic head massage and reassuring him of how he’s much smarter/funnier/sexier than Aaron Booth. So our date is still on for today. Which reminds me, I must write to Aaron and apologize in advance for James and his inevitable possessive stupidness this summer. I just love it when James gets territorial.

Beatrice and I made up last night, when she confessed that the real reason she lost her temper with me is because after years of pining, she’d actually gotten Remus to kiss her (!!!!) the other day (Poor Karl!). Of course, now he knows why he buckled and is avoiding her, pretending he doesn’t like her when he quite obviously does. It all makes sense! He must fancy her, but doesn't want to date her because of his problem! I do amaze myself sometimes. Must talk to James about this.

Algernon is beside us on the bed, hacking up hairballs and pieces of green stuff. Also, James just muttered the word ‘salmon’ in his sleep, snorted and drooled a little on my stomach. This should be bothersome, but is not, which is bad. Clearly, being drooled on by James Potter should bother me. Therefore, the knowledge that I’m not bothered when I should be is the bothersome part. Furthermore, I think I’ve actually fallen in love with James Potter.

Oh no.

---

It turns out this ‘open communication’ business is handier than I’d previously thought. Today’s date to Hogsmeade was nearly a disaster. I was bragging about how miserable Helena Hodge must be this morning, but also how it was not as bad of a revenge as we could have done. This did not go over well with Lily. She got on her high Hippogriff about how if I want to be Head Boy and in the Order, I’ve got to stop with this revenge fixation. It is not a fixation! It’s justice, is all. Luckily she stopped herself from ranting more, and I cut myself off and told her exactly what we’d done. Then she wasn’t so upset. I’ve no idea what she’d thought we done.

Later she tried to bring up the ‘revenge fixation’ again. I cleverly cut her off by kissing her. It worked surprisingly well. This will be my new strategy, I believe. Can’t believe I didn’t think of it earlier.

After the kiss she muttered something about never having seen me in my pants. I started to undo my trousers, but then she stopped me for some reason. So much for open communication.

Sunday 15th June

Hogsmeade was very, very strange yesterday. I’ve never spent such a large amount of time with James before, at least not alone, which I was really excited about until I woke up yesterday morning and realized exactly why I was so excited. Therefore, I spent almost the entire day trying to pick out every single thing about James that I can’t stand in an attempt to no longer feel excited. And apart from the way he eats with his mouth open, continually brags about himself and apparently doesn’t mind taking his clothes off in public places, I didn’t find much at all.

I acted like a dead body for the entire date anyway. The only real, coherent thought in my mind went along the lines of, ‘I love him, I love him, I love him.’ And as it turns out, being in love with James Potter pisses me off even more than, well, James Potter. I ended up picking fights with him over the stupidest things. Only now the bloody twit’s found a way to counter my rage, by kissing me! I must find a way to regain the power in our relationship before I turn into a gooey pile of submission.

While we were in bed last night, I told James about Beatrice and Remus. He was so shocked that he bolted out of bed, stood on Algernon’s tail, and ended up spending a most uncomfortable hour in the hospital wing having his crotch seen to. He would have been in out twenty minutes, but he doesn’t seem to be as eager to take his underwear off for Madame Pomfrey as he is for me. My poor baby!

Thankfully, James had Sirius to keep him company when the moment of truth came, so I didn’t have to witness any bloodied reproductive organs. Ew.

---

Most painful experience of my life last night. Lily told me some shocking news. One thing led to another, and my private bits were severely injured in the process. Algernon has been banned from the dormitory.

It turns out Remus kissed Booth! He was under that damned potion influence, too, although I might point out I certainly didn’t succumb that much. Lily told me not to tell Remus, and I love her and all, but I couldn’t not bring this up with Moony. He kissed a girl! On the mouth! I believe that’s the most action he’s ever seen.

I asked him about it after lunch. He was mortified that I’d brought it up, but he seemed to be happy I’d done so without Sirius or Peter around. He confessed he does ‘have a certain affection’ for her, but refuses outright to do anything about it. I reassured him that anyone who dates Karl Pilkerson must not have very high standards. This didn’t seem to help my case. He’s dead set on bachelorhood, though, so I won’t say anything. Shame. Well, not really. Merlin help me if I ever had to spend prolonged periods of time around that loony girl.

I’m tempted to leave Algernon at Hogwarts over the summer in retaliation, but that would be more of a reward than a punishment for him. He’ll come home and suffer through my mother with me.

Chapter Text

Monday 16th June

When I came in from James’s this morning, Beatrice, hysterical and wearing only her underwear, grabbed my arm and started pointing out all of the ‘fat’ spots on her body. (Because of all the ‘comfort eating’ she's been doing.) She’s got a figure like a ballerina and is talking out of her arse, of course, but I genuinely think she’s upset about Remus. She's persisted in pursuing him even though he’s constantly rejected her for nearly two years. Why would anyone put themselves through that kind of hurt for so long? I said as much to James, and he mumbled something incoherent and pulled me into a bear hug. People here are crazy!

Speaking of James, the poor thing was moaning and groaning about his ‘special area’ all Sunday and I really felt terrible for him. I wanted to make him feel better, but as good as massages as I am, diary, last night I made sure he knew there was no way in hell that I was touching that particular spot. I definitely overcompensated for it, though, by engaging in physical activities that were slightly more liberal than usual.

This didn’t work out too great for his injury, as it happens.

---

Spent the morning with Peter. I’ll see plenty of Padfoot this summer, but Peter has to go home and deal with his ill sister. Poor bloke. It’d be shite to have a sibling with the kneazles – you’d never know when something would explode, or spontaneously turn into a whale. He once told me his mum sometimes forgets he’s there. It’s a good thing Peter’s got his mates to rely on. These are the sorts of things Lily thinks I don’t think enough about, but I do. I don’t think she knows about Penny’s illness. Not my business to tell her, though. I told Peter he’s welcome to my house whenever he wants. Must remember to extend this invitation to Remus, too, but he’s much less likely to take me up on it. Stubborn, that one.

Afternoon was blissful. Lily and I stole some biscuits from the kitchen and ate them on the far side of the lake. Algernon tried to tag along, but even Lily understood when I pushed him back inside through a window. Thank Merlin for Lily, since she rightfully pointed out that the first window I had picked was, in fact, closed, and furthermore led to the staff room. That would not have ended well at all.

Tuesday 17th June

Bit of a brush with the Death Eaters today. Nothing on the scale of our previous encounters. Lily and I nearly walked into Mulciber, Avery, and Snape when we were turning the corner outside the library. We didn’t say much, just exchanged taunts. It’s clearer than ever that we are on opposite sides of this war, and that we’re both going to give as good as we get. Lily and I talked about it later, and although we’re both dead sure our side will come out the victors, it’s not going to be an easy battle. I’m still always baffled that they hate my Lily for something she can’t very well help. And don’t they see how gorgeous and wonderful she is?! They must be blind as well as mad. We might’ve turned to hexes eventually if Professor Weber hadn’t come and broken things up. Snape looked back over his shoulder as they were walking away, and out of nowhere Lily grabbed me and pulled me into a passionate kiss. I’ve no idea why, but I don’t much care. It was dead romantic.

Letter back from Dad. Apparently Aunt Ophelie going to be abroad in her summer home, so there is no chance of my mother visiting her, seeing as Mum was permanently banned from Italy in 1953. Damn.

---

Two rather strange things happened today. Firstly, James and I were involved in a lovely little altercation with our resident Death Eaters today, which was bags of family fun, of course. Mulciber, Avery and Severus Snape ran into us outside of the library and decided to send a few insults our way (at least, two of them did. Severus just stood there silently, glaring at James). Much nonsense concerning dirty blood, disgrace upon previously good family names and our imminent and bloody deaths followed. This was nothing shocking, of course, but what did surprise me was James’s unexpected show of self-control at the time. Not once did he reach for his wand, at least not until Avery reached for his. Luckily, Professor Weber was around and put a stop to it. I’m very proud of James, and I’ve assured him several times since that he's going to get his own back one day, when we’re fighting them for real. I’ve wiped the floor with them once and I can do it again, with pleasure.

Secondly, and because of this seemingly unpleasant event, I actually came to realize just how much I really, truly love James Potter, and exactly why I do. I mean, I liked him because he could always make me laugh, and because he was charming and gorgeous and surprisingly intelligent. He’s still all of those things, obviously, but they’re not really important anymore. Not when you consider the fact that he’s loyal and trustworthy and makes me feel protected, even though he acknowledges that I can take care of myself, and because he knows better than to care about stupid things like whether or not I’m a pure-blood, and because he’ll always, always try to do the right thing, even if he fucks it up royally. I feel rather blind because I never even noticed these things before, even though they must have always been there, and guilty because I couldn't be bothered to give him a chance for the longest time. If there was something I could do to make it up to him, I’d do it in a heartbeat, I just don’t have any idea what it is. Am I an absolutely terrible person or am I just stupid? Why on earth is he still with me?!

I’ve got no idea how I’m supposed to tell him any of this, by the way. Bugger.

Wednesday 18th June


Since I’m a coward, I decided that I wouldn’t be honest with James about my feelings, and instead would try to show him how much I love him by showering him with copious amounts of physical affection. I’ve been hugging, kissing, pulling him into deserted classrooms and slamming him into walls all day. Sadly, the Universe decided that I must be punished for said act of cowardice, and now my nose is busted six ways to Sunday because James decided it was high time I got to see him in his underwear. Karma is a bitch.

I think I might talk to James about renegotiating the contract. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you have to love their y-fronts.

---

One would think with all the progress Lily and I have made, I would be halfway decent at interpreting her remarks. When she says something like, ‘I’ve never seen you in your pants,’ I assume that she thinks this is a problem. And when she then spends the next few days throwing herself on me (quite literally, in some cases)…. Well. It seems I still managed to get it wrong.

I’d checked that Remus, Sirius, and Peter were all going to steer clear of the dormitory tonight. Peter apparently forgot, because he came in about two minutes before Lily did and was dead shocked. His fault for not remembering our conversation at lunch, really. He ran right back out, but then Lily came and all was well. I was leaning against the bedpost waiting for her – very sexily, I might add – with my hair all mussed up and my arms crossed across my manly chest. And what should have been the impetus for a very intense night of cuddling and fondling then backfired. When Lily walked in, she seemed stunned by my manliness, or so I initially thought:

Lily: Merlin’s y-fronts!

Me: They’re mine, actually.

It seems I misread her, though, since she then spun around and tried to walk out, except she’d closed the door behind her. Her nose bled something awful, and I had to help her to the Hospital Wing. Somehow I get the feeling this is going to get blamed on me.

Oh, shit. I’ve got to make Peter promise not to tell the others about what he saw. Sirius would never let me live it down.

---

Too late. Everyone thinks I’m an abusive boyfriend. I suppose they all saw me, topless, walking her through the common room with blood pouring down her face, so I can’t really blame them. Actually, I can. And I will. I think I’ll go force Algernon’s company on them and hope he does to them what he did to me this weekend.

Thursday 19th June

Record of the conversation that was held at breakfast this morning:

Beatrice: Karl, do you want the raspberry or strawberry jam?

Karl: How’d you fancy getting married this summer?

Beatrice: I’d be up for that.

Karl: Alrigh’.

I have nothing else to say on this subject, diary. I really don’t.

---

Karl and Beatrice announced their ‘engagement’ in the common room after lunch. I wasn’t there to witness it, however, because I was up in James’s dorm being groped. As part of my new strategy (#2 - Pretend to hate James Potter in order to conceal deep feelings of love and devotion to James Potter), I started a yelling match with him concerning the incident last night in which I walked in on him while he was wearing nothing but horrible y-fronts and, presumably, waiting for me to see him and fall into his arms. He’s apologized several times already, but it was all I could think of to well about. Anyway, my anger coupled with his tendency to find my anger arousing did not bode well for me at all. It’s ok, though. He got to feel under my bra for the first time and I got him to promise he’d switch to boxers, so it’s really more of a win for me.

Incidentally, either James had a pair of socks stuffed down there last night, or I’m a very lucky girl. I’d bet my owl that it's the former.

I’m in the library and I can see Severus Snape heading rather purposely in my direction. Time to leave, I think.

---

Unexpected development today: Pilkerson and Booth are engaged. If I hadn’t already known about Remus’s true feelings, I wouldn’t have even noticed he was bothered at all. He didn’t unexpectedly leave the room or shout or do any of the things I would’ve done if Lily were suddenly engaged. Then again, I would probably murder the bloke on the spot. Perhaps that’s not the best comparison. Anyway, I tried to talk to Remus in private, but Padfoot was getting in a snit because I’ve apparently been ignoring him again. Lies! I’ve been busy with Lily (oh, how busy I’ve been… her breasts are as nice as I’d always imagined), but I’m going to see him all summer, whereas I have to convince Lily of my devotion before she goes off to France and is surrounded by creepy French blokes. Who speak French. I reassured Sirius – in a very manly and not at all unmasculine way – that we are best mates, and no woman could ever change that.

When I succeeded trapped Remus in the dormitory, he tried to avoid the topic, but I was having none of it. After some prodding on my part, he finally admitted he’s ‘bothered.’ That’s all. Bothered. Unbelievable. He’s lying, the wanker, I just know it. This is getting ridiculous. I can’t believe he’s going to let this go by without so much as a word. Actually, I can. It’s Moony. But I hate it anyway because he expects too little of people. Hopefully we can all make him feel better tonight during Poker. (Down as Remus is, I’m still not handing over Champion to him.)

Oh Merlin, have just realized I’m going to have to go to Booth’s wedding some day. I think I need to go sick up.

---

On my way to the loo to vomit, sodding Algernon ran across my path, and I ended up falling down the stairs. Or I would have, had Lily not been on her way up. She’s been moody and argumentative lately, and I can’t help but feel vomiting on her isn’t going to help any.

Friday 20th June

Poker last night was quite possibly the best round ever. The carpet in our dorm has turned orange, half of Peter’s mattress is missing, and the window is covered in honey, but Merlin, that was fun. I ended up coming in second to Remus, unfortunately. I blame his unfortunate news yesterday for inspiring him to focus on something else entirely, namely Polish Pirate Poker. It was a season well-played. Cleverly, we packed most of our belongings yesterday before the round so we could have today to fix up the room.

Algernon somehow snuck in halfway through the second Subround. I’ve got to go see Kettleburn before the train leaves to see if he can regrow Algernon’s left ear. I’d hate to see my mother attempt it. He would probably end up with a Chocolate Frog for an ear, and I refuse to have chocolate in my bed.

---

I’ve been ten kinds of a shrew to James today, snapping at him for every little thing and generally making his life miserable. Most horrifyingly, he is convinced that he’s done something horrible to hurt me and keeps asking how he can make it better. Is his own opinion of himself so low that he always automatically assumes he’s the one in the wrong? The boy is either some kind of masochist or completely whipped, and neither idea does anything to abate my guilt. He tried to talk to me an hour ago but I shouted at him and said that for once, I wished he’d just get angry and yell back at me. He deserves to at this point, diary. I wish I could be as honest with him as I was with Severus Snape last night when he followed me to Gryffindor tower, voicing his nasty opinions on James until I went crazy and threatened to hex him. I’d no problem telling him that I’m in love with James. This is surely not healthy or normal.

Oh, I almost forgot. A small victory today! Terry Heaney dumped Helena Hodge for good today, in what I’m happy to confirm was a very loud, very public manner. He announced to the Great Hall that he is in love with Marjorie Deacon (the spotty cow) and she with him! Then they began to fawn over one another, which was rather disgusting, especially since he was sitting very near to me and I could hear him cooing in her ear about how her toes are like white chocolate buttons. Still, it’s worth it, because the last time I saw Helena, she was sitting on the floor of Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom, crying and stuffing her face with toffee. Peter is still laughing about it.

I have to pack, then converse with Beatrice on the topic of wedding venues, then seek out James and apologize to him. Beatrice is kidding herself if she thinks this wedding is going to happen, her parents are going to hit the roof and she’s only doing it to make Remus jealous, anyway. I should probably question him about his feelings on this, actually. I’ll do all of this right after I eat this delicious bacon sandwich. I love Algernon.

---

Train leaves in twenty minutes. Lily just rushed up to me, saying she’d been looking all over for me. I tried to explain the whole Algernon ear business, but she wasn’t having it. She apologized for being a right bitch this morning. Earlier she’d gone on about how I need to stand up to her, but I know better than to do that when she’s being unreasonable. We talked it out, as per the contract. She said she was nervous about exams and was unfairly taking it out on me. Useless, since she did wonderfully, of course. (As did I. No surprises there.) Anyway, we’re all sorted out now, and a good thing, too. I plan to fondle her breasts at least once more on the train, and that would’ve been dead unpleasant if she were shouting at me while I did so.

Remus still hasn’t said anything to Booth. I’ve half a mind to talk to her myself, but he’d kill me. And he could, too.

Algernon’s been trying to snuggle with me. If he thinks I’ve forgiven him because I got his ear fixed, he’s in for a shock at home.

Saturday 21st June

It’s 3:30am and Beatrice has been sitting outside on the low roof for a half hour. We’ve barely spoken to each other, or to anyone else, since we arrived here, although we spent about ten minutes casting protective spells around her house. We’re both highly doubtful that You-Know-Who would ever bother with two seventeen year old witches when he has Aurors and Ministry officials to murder, but there’s still always the risk, isn’t there? We’re still Muggle-born, which means we’re fair game as far as his Death Eaters are concerned. That’s the reason why I almost had a heart attack when I woke up a while ago and saw that she was gone. I know why she’s out there, and all I have to say on the matter is that Remus Lupin can be an idiot sometimes.

I apologized to James for my behavior before we got on the train home, he accepted, and we spent a rather lovely half hour in one of the bathrooms while our friends all sat in the one compartment, sniggering at us. Things went downhill when we got to the station, however. He took me away from everyone to say a proper goodbye, and just when I thought he was going to invite me to stay at his house at some point, bloody Aaron came and ruined it. Since he’s just gotten his first car, he drove down to London to pick us up. I would appreciate this act of kindness had he not interrupted us, slung his arm around my shoulders and started tousling my hair (he always was rather clingy). Aaron is a very good-looking and intelligent guy who happens to be a couple inches taller than James. I neglected to tell James all of this last week, and may also have insinuated that Aaron was unattractive, short and stupid. Now James must obviously think that I’ll be carrying on with him behind his back, because he let go of me and walked off to Sirius without another word. It didn’t occur to me until we left that he was probably expecting me to follow him, and that I’ve let him down again. I’ve written an extremely panicked explanatory letter and sent it to him already. I love James, so much, so he simply can’t break up with me over something like this. If I was only able to be honest with him, he’d realize that I only lied about Aaron to make him feel better, and there’s no way I'd ever pass him up for anyone. Except he won't, because I’m a stupid, cowardly shrew.

Beatrice looks cold out there. I’m going to bring her a blanket, and then force her to talk to me about this mess she’s gotten herself into. Good plan.

---

I am being forced to get a job. This is dead unfair. Finally I’ll have Sirius around for an entire summer, and now I’ll be away half of the time. Bloody Mum. I tried to argue with Dad, but he thinks it’s a brilliant idea. No clue why they think I’ve no work ethic. Then again, they haven’t seen the Map. Perhaps if I showed them that, they would understand my genius is best left unfettered by such trivial things as jobs.

Have written several drafts of a letter to Lily demanding that she immediately leave the Booth household, but I’ve yet to send any of them. Sirius also saw the Male Booth (whose name I have forgotten and don’t care to remember) at King’s Cross yesterday. He agrees he looks like a smarmy git who needs a good hex to the face. Or a punch. Or both. Perhaps a punching hex? If there is no such thing, I shall invent one. If only I didn’t have to get a job, I’d have time for such innovations. I hope Mum and Dad know they are depriving the world of many new and exciting developments in magic.

Must run, Sirius and I are going to town so he can ogle the motorbikes. I also need to get away from Algernon, and I’m tired of hiding in my room from him.

Sunday 22nd June

I eventually got Beatrice to talk to me about Remus last night before dinner, as when I went out she refused to say a word to me on the roof. As expected, she’s very upset about the whole affair and doesn’t know where she stands with Remus, but I also reminded her that she dug herself into a mess by agreeing to marry Karl. I was misguided in thinking that her parents would be angered upon hearing of her engagement, and forgot that they are both obscenely lenient hippie types. Her father doesn’t mind as long as the wedding costs are split with the Pilkerson parents, and her mother is delighted at the prospect of making her a wedding cake and catering the reception. One of the perks of having a baker for a mother, I suppose, the other being the multitude of pies and cakes and treacle tart (that Ellen makes just for me!) that are always lying around the bakery larder. I love Beatrice’s house. Not as much as usual, however, since Beatrice is sulking and Aaron follows me around whenever his girlfriend, Maisie, isn’t with him, asking me to think of words that rhyme with ‘Evans’ and ‘that speccy imbecile stole my lady’ for his new song.

The oddest thing happened to me this morning while I was sending off a letter to James that I wrote last night. As I watched James fly away and hoped that my poor owl wouldn’t be confused by an order to deliver a letter to what could easily be misconstrued as ‘himself,’ Beatrice’s father came in and told me that the letter was slightly too accusatory, and that James might feel like I am insinuating that he is too possessive if he reads it. Then her mum came in after him and said that I apologized far too much in the letter and that I should have made him come chasing after me. Then Beatrice’s little sister, Miriam, told me that my message would have come across better if delivered it in person. This would have been fine if I had actually shown the letter to any of them, but unless I have been Obliviated, I am quite sure that I never did.

I think I need another chat with Beatrice.

---

Job search did not go well today. It is apparently a bad idea to walk into a restaurant kitchen with a cat. This is entirely Algernon’s fault. This morning I woke to the banshee cries of my mother when she saw what Algernon had done to the window treatments. She forced me to take him out of the house, and while I wanted to punish him with her company, he did almost die because of her over Easter hols. Sirius was no help, either. We’d parted ways early on since he’s not being coerced into joining the workforce. And even if he were looking for a job, he wouldn’t have to drag a mad cat around with him. Unfair in the extreme. Café and gas station both turned me down today, and there are not that many places to work in town.

On second thought, Algernon is a blessing. If I continue to bring him with me, maybe no one will hire me, and I can simply tell my mother it’s her fault I’m unemployed. Brilliant.

Still waiting on word from Lily. Oh no, what if Algernon eats her letter before I can get it? He does have a history of eating parchment. I’d assume he wouldn’t be able to get it off of James, but Algernon has done far cleverer things in his lifetime. Sodding cat. One minute he’s saving my free time, the next he’s gone and slid down the banister. Dad never forgave Algernon for that one, but I suppose that was his best shirt.

Chapter Text

Monday 23rd June

I haven’t heard back from James, and my owl James has not yet returned. I will not lie, diary, I am rather worried that he doesn’t want to speak to me. I thought that I was putting on a good show of nonchalance, but according to Beatrice, the eight cookies, four chocolate cupcakes, half an apple pie and entire treacle tart I’ve eaten in the last twenty four hours is ruining my image rather spectacularly. Aaron suggested that I should get drunk as an alternative method of stress-management, but he admitted that this could lead to him attempting to have his way with me. So I think I’ll pass on that. Happily, Beatrice is much happier. She and Miriam are teaching me more sign language. Not the real signs that Miriam normally uses to communicate with people, however, but ones that they secretly invented so that they could talk to each other without Aaron or their parents understanding them.

I feel rather guilty, worrying about James when Beatrice is suffering through her Remus-related heartache, but in my defense, I’m not dating or engaged to Aaron, have never resorted to using magic to win my man’s affection, and James is not a werewolf. Also, I love James because he is James, and not because I’m turned on by his scars. If he had any, that is. All he’s really got is an odd looking birthmark on his left thigh that’s kind of shaped like a frog.

---

Letter from Lily today! She promised she’s got no interest in that stupid Male Booth, and that she had no idea he’d be at King’s Cross. Then she went on about how attractive and wonderful I am. I’ve written her back saying all’s well and forgiven. Also invited her to come stay with me for a bit before she goes off to France because I miss her already. It’s true that I’m pining a bit, but mostly I need to convince her not to go to stupid France so some other bloke can impregnate her when she isn’t watching.

Algernon continues to thwart my half-arsed attempts to get a job. I told Sirius about this plan. He was not as impressed as he should have been. It’s only because he says he’s found the love of his life. Some motorbike he saw driving through town. He’s dead set on having it. The bike looked all right, but the bloke on it looked too much like my Uncle Charlus. I pretended to listen to him go on about it, but really I was remembering Lily’s letter in my head to cheer myself up.

Dad said he couldn’t take me to get my Apparition license next Monday because he’s got to work. Damn. Mum’ll never take me, not after the toe incident. At this rate I’ll never get my license.

Wednesday 25th June

I got a letter from James today, inviting me to stay in his house. I assume this means that he’s no longer upset about crazy Aaron. Huzzah! I’m going to Apparate to his address on Saturday morning and stay in his house until either Thursday night or Friday morning, when I will be leaving for Little Whinging, and my darling sister’s wedding. Probably Thursday night, as the flight out is Friday night and the wedding is on Sunday. James wants to come and get me, but if he did, he’d have to suffer through Beatrice’s mother’s questions about our supposedly wild and outrageous sex life, involving lots of whipped cream, leather and rope.

Beatrice Booth is a dirty liar. I am going to go to the pantry and steal all of her pineapple fritters. That’ll show her. Ha. Ha ha ha.

---

Have been hired by the fishery. I am most put out.

Thursday 26th June

Have been fired by the fishery. Thank Merlin. They thought they could handle Algernon on board. Clearly they underestimated his abilities. I hope they don’t make me pay for that dingy.

Lily is coming in two days! Can’t wait. I told Mum she’s coming to stay. She got in a bit of a state because I didn’t tell her earlier. Dad was all for it, luckily. I think he’s just happy Mum’s good and occupied ordering the house-elves about.

Finally got Sirius to shut up about that motorbike. Today he picked up Hobbes in the library while I was at work. After dinner I pried him away from it so we could go mess about in the hills as Padfoot and Prongs. This may have been a bad idea. Some of the neighborhood dogs trailed along and wouldn’t leave us alone. Padfoot’s got a right little gang. It’s rather funny, actually. He got annoyed and wanted to come back and read more depressing Russian literature. Typical.

---

In retaliation for my eating of her precious pineapple fritters, Beatrice took the treacle tart that her mother had just made for me and threw it in my face. This led to a miniature food fight. She, Miriam and I all ended up with sticky stuff in our hair and the dining room curtains are ruined. I am quite sure that this kind of malarkey occurs daily in the Potter household, so I’m not going to miss it. Beatrice was a little put out when I told her of James’s invitation, but she cheered up when I promised to do some reconnaissance work and find out what’s up with Remus. Except I already know what’s wrong with Remus and I can’t tell her. However, I could possibly write to him and figure out some way to explain things to Beatrice without including his Lycanthropy. This is all ridiculous, really. His illness wouldn’t bother Bea in the slightest, I’m sure of it.

Success! Also, horror! Petunia phoned the house today. The good news is that I am allowed to bring a second person to Petunia’s wedding, as well as Beatrice. I must write to Emily and see if she is free to go to France next weekend. Thank Merlin for Emily’s father, who insisted that she get herself a Muggle passport. The bad news is that I had to agree to be a bridesmaid, and to sing at the reception, in order to procure this invitation. I could tell that Petunia would rather have stuck her head in a barrel of snakes than ask me, but she has no choice because her head bridesmaid and singer, Yvonne, has contracted meningitis and cannot come, and my aunty Ivy suggested that she ask her beloved little sister. Unremarkably, Petunia is more worried about the effect this will have on her wedding than her best friend’s wellbeing. What a darling. I’m annoyed that I now have to be bridesmaid, but also quite pleased that I am going to ruin Petunia’s wedding day by doing exactly what she asked me to. Haha!

Friday 27th June

Have officially got myself a job. It’s not all bad, but I still hate it on principle. Sirius was mad at me this morning because I dragged him into town and away from Tolstoy, so he retaliated by being Padfoot and refusing to talk to me. (Algernon was locked in my room at home. He gets funny around Padfoot.) The dogs in the area started following us again, much to Padfoot’s chagrin, and an old man in the street stopped me. He asked me to walk his dogs for him every day, since I’ve got ‘such a natural affinity with animals.’ I didn’t disagree, so now I’m employed. It doesn’t take up too much time, either, and I’ll just make Sirius come with and keep the dogs in line. It’ll keep him away from Hobbes, too. Sirius keeps going on about how life is nasty, brutish and short. If that’s not Russian, I don’t know what is, no matter what Sirius says.

Off to Moony’s for the night. Full moon. Padfoot, Wormtail, and I are all going to sneak into that pen his parents set up in the forest to keep him company. I’ll have to run early in the morning, though, to get ready for Lily’s arrival. Remus understands. I should invite him over when Lily’s with us so we can talk some sense into him.

Mum was pissed off that I keep trying to send Algernon into the kitchen for food. Poor Algernon. Hooves do not suit him.

---

I got a call from a woman who claimed her name was Mrs. Habadasher this morning. She is altering Yvonne’s bridesmaid dress and wanted to know my measurements. Then my cousin Beverly phoned with a list of Petunia’s favorite love songs. She wanted to discuss which one I would be singing. They were all vomit-inducing, and if Beverly decides, and I think she will, that I have to sing something by Doris Day, I may jump off Beatrice’s roof. Or James’s, as I’m going there tomorrow morning. Yay! Beatrice’s mother gave me a selection of cakes and pies to bring over, and I was happy to see that she’s made another treacle tart. I can hide it in my room and gorge psychotically on it if I get nervous. I can’t say I’m looking forward to meeting his parents. Peter tells me that James’s mother is a fruitcake who doesn’t think that any girl is good enough for her baby James. I think I’m going to be sick.

Aaron wrote me another song last night, and presented me with the lyrics today. He managed to rhyme my name with silly, frilly, willy-nilly and hilly. I also didn’t know that you could rhyme the name James with ‘giant axe,’ but apparently Aaron can.

Saturday 28th June

Lily is here! Dad took Mum out of the house when she arrived so we could be alone. (Sirius was in the library. Again. He’s moved on to Marx.) I’d set up lunch for the two of us in the dining room. She was early, but I wasn’t bothered. After lunch we went outside for a walk. Apparently Male Booth has been trying to woo her all week, but to no avail. He wrote her love songs, the idiot. Lily cannot be persuaded by such trivial charms!

Everything was going well until Mum and Dad came back. Mum didn’t seem to like her at first, but warmed up to her over dinner. I asked her later why she’d changed her mind. She said Algernon rubbed against Lily’s legs while we were eating, and if Algernon approved, so did she. This didn’t make much sense. I told her as much. Apparently she liked Lily immediately, and when Algernon also approved, she knew Lily must be good since such different personalities liked her. While I’m glad Mum doesn’t hate Lily, I wish she hadn’t asked about our wedding during dessert. Talk about awkward.

---

James seemed to have doubled in craziness since leaving Hogwarts for the summer. I arrived at his house just in time for lunch and could see him through one of the windows, running around with a knife and fork. I knocked on the door, and this is a record of the conversation that ensued:

James: But I haven’t even had time to put the forks out!

Me: What?

James: I mean, er, come in!

Me: Wow, you have a really lovely home.

James: Thanks. I have a job.

Apart from that, and the small panic attack he had when he couldn’t remember which side of the plate he was supposed to put the knife and fork, he was his usual cocky self. We had a really nice lunch (I suspect house-elf involvement, because there’s no way I believe that James made the raspberry jam himself) and went for a walk afterwards. Then I met his parents, which was scary. His father liked me immediately and apologized to me for James’s insane behavior over the past few months, but his mother didn’t seem to like me at all, and asked me a lot of rather intrusive questions. She’s being lovely now, however, and after she sent James into the study to clean Algernon’s poo off the floor, she told me that she’s ‘very fond’ of me, I’m a nice match for James, and that our children would be very attractive. I had to excuse myself then, and now most of the treacle tart is gone. I’m a nervous wreck!

---

Have just remembered to warn Lily about checking her food for Love Potion. She seemed confused. I’m not sure why, though. I’m positive told her about Algernon at Easter. I caught her on the way to the bathroom before bed, and I remembered to drop into her room and leave a chocolate on her pillow, like my mum told me they do in nice hotels. It’s a way for me to be with her since Mum would lose it if we slept in the same room. If she caught us, she’d ask me for the details. Ew.

Sunday 29th June

When he’s not with me, Sirius tends to go off and read. A strange, apparently old habit of his. He said he used to hide out in the library at Grimmauld Place when he needed to get away. I never knew this. Unexpected, but better than many other habits he could have, like unicycling. He and Dad got into a debate over dinner. Sirius got a few pages into Plato’s Republic and then chucked it across the room. Dad tried to persuade him to give it another go, for the sake of exposure to the ideas, but Sirius said he refused to waste time on an author who never made a conclusion. Or something. I wasn’t paying that much attention since Lily was sitting across the table from me and kept rubbing my shin with her foot. Very distracting.

I forgot that while I’m at work with Sirius, Lily is at home. Alone. With my mother. This cannot end well. Lily said she was pleasant enough today. They looked at pictures of me when I was younger. Wonderful. I need to murder my mother.

---

I woke up with a huge lump of chocolate mashed into my hair this morning, and was not surprised at all.

Today James had to go to work. I say he had to go to work, but all he actually does is run around with three cocker spaniels and throw sticks for them. Sirius is staying here too, but he said he’d walk James to the house of the man he works for because it’s on his way to the library, so I was alone with James’s mother, who has instructed me to call her Odette. It was fun. She made us both tea and toast and we chatted a little about Hogwarts. Then she brought out seventeen photo albums, each consisting of photographs of ‘our gorgeous James,’ one for each year of his life. It’s easy to tell why he’s so full of himself now, actually. Each album featured a full running commentary, courtesy of Odette, and albums one to six are mainly full of naked photos. Apparently, James used to be rather fond of taking his clothes off and trying to escape from the house, presumably to share his nudity with all of Swansea. I didn’t tell her that James still seems to be fond of taking his clothes off, if my recent experience is anything to go by.

I was allowed to choose a photo of James for myself, so I selected a recent one of him asleep on the sofa with Algernon on his chest. I’m not telling him about it, though, because I’d be willing to bet all of my money that he doesn’t know it was ever taken. His mum is a bit of a loony.

Chapter Text

Monday 30th June

Big development today. Remus and Peter came over after work today. We all went out and messed about in town for a while. Sirius and Lily didn’t talk much, but we all had a good laugh at Helena Hodge’s pain and suffering. Then I made Lily leave for a bit so I could ask the others if it would be all right to tell Lily about the Animagi business. It took some pleading and threatening on my part, but they eventually agreed. When we got home I took Lily out into the hills and showed her Prongs. She was a bit surprised, but dead impressed, I’m sure. She said I’m a very handsome stag. We came back and tried to talk some sense into Remus. Failed, of course.

Every once in a while when we were with the others, Lily would start laughing at me for no reason. Must ask what my mum’s gone and told her now. I’m somewhat terrified to ask.

Algernon escaped from the basement today while I was out. I hope he’s learned his lesson. Mum refuses to change his ears back to normal.

---

Just when I thought I knew most of what there is to know about James Potter, he goes and lies about his middle name and then turns into an animal.

He didn’t do one after the other, obviously. There is no logical reason for anybody to suddenly shout ‘My middle name is Lancelot!’ and then transform into a stag, not even James. Also, James never shouted when he told me his fake middle name, as I recollect.

I’m not making any sense at all, I know. I think the shock of finding out that James is an Animagus, an Animagus with the most suicide-inducing middle name alive, has knocked me for six. And not just James, diary, Sirius and Peter too, although James’s stag form is miles better than a dog or a rat. Even as an animal, he’s better than everyone else. They both have better middle names than he does, however. Ha. Ha ha ha.

I love that his friends don’t know his real middle name. I love that his mother gave him that middle name. I love his mother. I love his cat. I love stags. I love James Bond and all James Bond related products. I love villains who can take people’s heads off by throwing their hat.

---

James Oddjob Potter. James. Oddjob. Potter. Not James Lancelot Potter, oh no, James Oddjob Potter.

Oddjob.

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Tuesday 1st July

Oh, fuck it all. Lily knows my middle name. Now she’ll never marry me. I’m feeling salmon-esque again. Inviting her over has turned out to be a huge mistake. She promised she wouldn’t tell Sirius. Still, this is the most embarrassing thing my mother has ever done. Well, it was, until today when I confronted her and she told me the truth about Algernon.

All these years she’s told me she looked for months for the bravest, most intelligent cat she could find. She told me he was purebred, trained from infancy. Right in front of Lily, she told me the gruesome truth. She had the audacity to forget my birthday, and when she realized her error, she grabbed a stray cat off the street.

I don’t love Algernon any less, of course. It’s just rude that my mother would lie to me. Not at all surprising, though. To make up for my mother’s idiocy and Lily’s laughter, I made Algernon the nicest bacon sandwich ever. And then he went and sicked it up. Dead ungrateful.

---

Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha! I adore James’s mother. She is a comic genius without realizing it. I have also gathered that she likes me quite a lot, as she’s always pulling me aside to tell me secrets about James, and complimenting my looks. Today, after James ran from the room in a fit of anger that I don’t understand, because I’ve had Algernon pegged as a stray from the very first moment I saw him, she started asking me about our ‘upcoming’ nuptials again. I told her that I didn’t think James and I would get married, but she said that we definitely would, that we’ve both spoiled the other for life, and that it’s tough tits if I don’t like being in love with her son. Surprisingly, but probably because the last few days have driven me completely mad, I ended up admitting that I love him. She was very pleased, promised not to tell him, and left the room muttering something about ‘not needing that potion after all.’

James gave Algernon a sandwich with gone off bacon in it. He’s very depressed in his room. I should go in there and give him a cuddle, or something. Nothing more physical than that, though, because Odette would probably burst through the door with a camera in one hand and a wedding dress in the other. What a great addition to album eighteen that photo would make, eh?

Wednesday 2nd July

In a shocking development today, I actually bonded, somewhat, with Sirius Black. He didn’t go to work with James today because he said he’s sick of having dogs in heat follow him around everywhere. I found him in the Potter’s dining room, reading a magazine about motorbikes, and I struck up a conversation with him. He was surprised at my vast knowledge of bikes, a knowledge I garnered because of my dad’s obsession with them when I was a child. I remember begging him to take me out on his bike with him. He never did because my mother would have castrated him, but he used to give me all of his magazines and bring me out to the motorbike shop in Surrey to look at new models. Sirius and I ended up talking for ages and even having lunch together. I also promised to get some of the bike-related things that dad left me in his will and give them to him after this weekend, which made him very happy. Although I would have liked for us to talk through some of our worse issues, this is a good start. Most definitely. He’s actually quite clever and witty when he wants to be. Who knew?

James (Oddjob!) came in from work while Sirius and I were talking and looked a bit freaked out when he saw us laughing together. Almost envious, actually. James has some serious jealousy issues. I think his mother has damaged him mentally.

---

Work was boring as fuck today because Sirius refused to come along. He’s tired of doing my job for me. Really I think it’s because Mindy’s taken a shine to him and won’t leave him alone. It’s dead funny. He doesn’t like that I laugh, I know, but he knows I were in his position, he’d laugh he arse off. I know Sirius. He’s my best mate. Which is why I was surprised to come home and find him hanging about with Lily. It’s a good thing. It is. And I am happy about it. Really. Makes my life easier, not having to mediate between them.

Letter from Peter today. There’s a nice girl in his town he fancies. He’s promised she seems perfectly normal. I’m not sure how much I trust his judgment. He still fancied Helena Hodge even after she cheated on him. Still, not much I can do from home. Or at least nothing I can be arsed to do.

Algernon is not doing any better. I can’t believe I poisoned my cat. Sirius and Lily think it’s hysterical. They told me so. Together. Ugh. I’m turning into my mother. Next I’ll be Transfiguring people for crossing me.

Oh.

Fuck.

Thursday 3rd July

Oh.

Fuck.

Have fucked up. Have really, really fucked up. I wanted to wash my hair this morning, and Odette suggested that I use the big bath in James’s bathroom (the spoiled brat has his own sodding bathroom, I hate him!) instead of the old shower in the main one, so I did. Only the hot water doesn’t work unless you twiddle the tap in a certain way, so James, who had the day off work, came in while I was wrapped in my towel to help me. And this, diary, is what happened next:

James: I’ll show you how to use the hot tap because it’s a bit dodgy. I brought you a cup of tea, as well. You’ve got really nice legs, by the way.

Me: I love you, James.

He didn’t say anything, and merely stared at me as if I’d just taken a machete from under my towel and threatened to end his life. After about twenty excruciating seconds, I screamed at him for being rude enough to charge unannounced into the bathroom when I could have been naked and was about to shove him out the door when he did the sensible thing and ran of his own accord. He wouldn’t even look at me through lunch and dinner, and I didn’t see him at all in between. He’s avoiding me because I’ve scared the shit out of him and he now wants to dump with me and get off with Isabella Marks, who is obviously into sex with no commitment and doesn’t have flabby hips like I do.

So that leaves me here, hiding in my room with the door locked, anxiously stuffing handfuls of stale treacle tart into my face and muttering to myself. What happened to my self respect and conviction that James Potter would never be good enough for me? Since when would Lily Evans ever say she loved any guy before they said it first? When did I turn into a blubbering wretch? I’m a complete mess, and deserve to be stoned to death by a gaggle of strong-willed, successful career women for letting down their kind.

I’m going to ask Odette to Transfigure me into a spider and stand on me in her leopard print stilettos. If that doesn’t work, I’ll jump off the roof. And die!

---

She loves me.

Lily Evans told me, quite calmly and wearing nothing but a bath towel, that she loves me.

I ran, naturally. What else could I do? This was not expected at all. I think a bit of me’s always expected she’ll realize how much better than me she is and leave me. Except now she loves me. I’m pretty sure I love her. I mean, I haven’t sat around and thought about it for hours on end, but, you know, I certainly like her more than any other woman.

On my way out of the house, I bumped into Sirius. I kept my cool and told him I was going out for a nighttime stroll. In the rain. He rolled his eyes and went on his way. I ended up in the greenhouse because I forgot I hate being wet. Dad came in and found me a while later. Apparently when Sirius told him I’d gone for a walk, he suspected something. He knows about my passionate loathing of rain. He also saw Lily being a bit mental and thought I was to blame. I ended up confessing the whole bathroom affair to him. And wouldn’t you know it, he didn’t have much advice. All he said was it’s up to me to figure things out from here. I’m the only one who can decide if I love her, or if I want to marry her, or anything like that. The only useful thing he said was to go after her if I did love her, which is stupid, because why wouldn’t I?

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

Friday 4th July

I’ve made a huge mistake. I let her go. I let her go to sodding France without talking to her. It’s not entirely my fault, since Mum made us all go out to a fancy dinner, and then she was packing, and then Sirius was arguing with me about a lock and private property, and then she was gone. She left for France. She kissed me before she left. She didn’t mention last night at all. And now she’s gone.

Except right when she was about to Apparate off, I realized that there’s no question: I do love her. I was awake all last night, and it’s true.

I love that she feels safer sleeping with me because I want to protect her. I love that she goes out of her way to tell me how handsome I am, and I love how she gets obsessed with people’s birthday presents. I love how she will do anything for her friends (she let Terry Heaney touch her feet – the ultimate sacrifice). I love that even though she doesn’t like Snape anymore, she still protects him. I love that she is strong enough to live through dead parents, a bitch of a sister, and murder attempts, and still be able to laugh when I complain that I can’t raise one eyebrow. I love that she won’t sleep with me out of principle. I love the way she teases me, the way she treats my cat, the way she tries to get along with my mates, the way she can’t control herself around me, the way she argues with anyone she thinks is wrong, everything. I love her.

I love Lily Evans.

I have to tell her.

She’s in France.

Surrounded by smarmy French blokes. Who speak that damned sexy French.

Shit! I’ve got to go to France and tell her before some French bloke can tell her the same in seven different languages!

---

I’m in France, in a room on my own because my evil bitch sister, (who is pretending to be really nice to me in front of the family because she is an idiot, everyone knows that we despise each other) deliberately booked Beatrice and Emily into one room and me into another. They said they’re both going to sleep with me tonight regardless, and are down at the bar getting Cokes and giving me space. Since I woke up this morning feebly hoping that James might just mention something about the bathroom incident, I delayed leaving James’s house until pretty late this evening. He didn’t say a word to me because he is a coward and doesn’t love me. I will be expecting an awkward breakup letter any day now.

I arrived at Little Whinging to find Psycho Petunia hovering at the door with a bunch of flowers in one hand and a veil in the other, crying because some placemats are cobalt blue instead of cerulean. Aunty Ivy grabbed me by the arm before I could say a word and practically stuffed me into a sky blue bridesmaid dress that I actually look pretty good in, because heaven knows what disaster would strike if we got to France and discovered that it was one millimeter too big for me! I was thus manhandled in this way until Bea and Emily showed up a half hour later. I fooled them into thinking I was perfectly happy for ages, right up until we were on the plane and a little boy with black hair stood up on his chair, pulled his trousers down and urinated all over his mother. I burst into tears, and Emily and Beatrice were on hand with tissues at once, probably both thinking that I had finally lost it. I explained the whole, sad story to them and they are both being lovely. Emily is sure that he’s going to show up at any minute and declare his love for me, and Beatrice has advised me to write him a scathing breakup letter before he can do it, and then carve his heart out while he sleeps. She has turned into a vicious man-hater, and I love her for it.

Tomorrow is the rehearsal dinner, and then I have to go over my song with the pianist. I don’t want to sing some stupid song about happy people who love each other. I may hack out my voice-box instead. I hate James. I’m going to get ridiculously sloshed drunk and tell everyone at Petunia’s wedding what his middle name is. I don’t care if nobody here knows him because it will make me feel better. Then I’ll marry Snape, just to piss him off. And then I’ll jump off the Eiffel Tower and die!

Saturday 5th July

Am in France. I would’ve taken Algernon with, but he’s too ill, so I made Sirius swear to take care of him. He asked why I was going, and I told him, and he was all right with it. I think. Sometimes it’s hard to tell, but seeing as he didn’t grab my arm and refuse to let me go break my heart, I think he must approve at least a little bit. Some cash from Dad, and long story short, I’m in her hotel lobby, waiting for her to come down for the rehearsal dinner. I have a plan.

---

I did it! Plan went massively awry, and we’ve both got black eyes, but it’s all right, because we’re in love!

When she came down for the dinner – alone, thankfully, so I didn’t have to deal with Booth or Wood – I Stunned her from under my Cloak. Unfortunately I tripped on said Cloak on my way to catch her, so she fell forward and hit her face on a bench. I pulled her under the Cloak, tried to heal her bruise, and then Apparated us to the Eiffel Tower. It would have gone much better if the fucking elevator hadn’t broken. I couldn’t very well magic it better because I’d put the Cloak away, and there were Muggles all around. Then Lily woke up while we were trapped, and she was hurt (physically) and confused.

I tried to explain my whole plan, of taking her to the top of the Eiffel Tower and confessing my love to her like I thought I was supposed to do, and then she punched me. Hard. In the face! Then I blurted out that I loved her. I tried to remember everything I’d written down, but I think I just kept going over the point about Terry Heaney. I must’ve done something right, though, because then she kissed me and told me she loved me back.

We’re back in the hotel hiding from her psycho sister who will kill us for ruining the rehearsal dinner, but I don’t much care because I love Lily Evans, and she loves me back, and everyone else can fuck off.

Sunday 6th July

He loves me! He loves me! I don’t quite understand why he had to attack and kidnap me and then get us stuck in an elevator in the Eiffel Tower in order to let me know this amazing piece of information, but I don’t care, because he loves me! James Potter loves Lily Evans and Lily Evans loves him right back! The scar beside my right eye will forever stand as a mark of James Potter’s love for me, me, me! Yay! After we got back home, we hid in my hotel room and snogged so much that our lips were chapped the next morning and everybody thinks that we’re sex obsessed whores, even my grandmother. Hurrah!

And also, I ruined Petunia’s wedding!!! Yes!! Even though Beatrice magically concealed my black eye, I performed my bridesmaid duties perfectly and sang the song without any mistakes, I still ruined her wedding because everyone in our family was more interested in my boyfriend than they were in her husband! Everybody in my extended family is in love with James, because James is handsome and funny and charming and Vernon is an obese walrus with a giant baguette up his arse. Even my fifty year old aunty Ivy, who has been married for thirty-two years, got sloshed and tried to get off with James because he is just that gorgeous! Nobody ever tries to get off with Vernon. A blind person wouldn’t try to get off with Vernon. Even Petunia doesn’t try to get off with Vernon, the fat old baboon! He burst into Petunia’s dressing room before the wedding this morning, sweating and shouting because, according to him, an angry looking stag was chasing him around the hotel garden where the wedding was held and stamped all over the roses that had been specially laid out for the occasion. Nobody could find the stag, though, so everyone thinks that Vernon is demented. Ha. Ha ha ha.

I must stop writing now, and go find my boyfriend. My boyfriend, James Potter, who I am madly in love with and going to marry some day, even if his middle name is Oddjob. Huzzah!

---

It’s amazing. I’ve actually managed to make Lily Evans fall in love with me. I’ve been trying to accomplish this for ages, and now she loves me, and I love her, and she likes my friends, and my family and cat like her, and it couldn’t possibly get any better than this. If only the French were any good at bacon. Lily and I agree, they’re pants at it. Honestly. We need Algernon. Except he’s ill, and would probably sick up all over the bacon. Oh well. I’ve got more than enough to make up for it.

I can’t believe I ever thought I was a salmon. If I were a salmon, Algernon would eat me, and then where would I be? Dead, that’s where. Stuck in my cat’s stomach. With rotten bacon. And even France is better than that.