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The apple dilemma

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It was a regular afternoon in Asgard for the newly-coronated Princess Aradis Thorsdottir of Asgard. She was just doing her own business, reading a book on Svartalfheim's past events, since one of her nightmarish friends who was rehabilitated happens to be a descendant of Malekith the Accursed, in detail a prince who ran away from home after his father had gone overboard with the thought of using the Aether. She, along with her siblings, are going to visit the newly rebuilt Svartalfheim to oversee the preparations to let the lost, rehabilitated Dark Elves get used to having a planet of their own, along with their new leader in the coming week.

But soon enough, a strange small package was dropped off at her doorstep. She did not notice until her handmaiden brought it in for her in concern about it, saying that it might have moved a bit, before she received Aradis' consent to leave. It did not pique her curiosity at first, but the package soon moved again. She stopped to look at the package. It moved again, making her grab the package to keep it from moving. "Why wouldn't it stop fidgeting? What's inside?" she frustratedly muttered to herself. She looked around the package to find any clue of who the sender is, which appeared to yield nothing. She then thought on opening it. But should she tell her mother about this?

His reminders about always letting him see any unlabeled gifts given to her replayed in her head. She thought for a long while before deciding that she should just take a peek inside the small package. She opened the package neatly and carefully, finding a golden apple inside.

"What would a golden apple be doing in there? Isn't that what we eat?" she thought. But this golden apple looks like it is in a great condition; no bumps, even coloration and smooth. She thought maybe whoever gave it to her must have thought about how her really plain table could use some decoration. She thus placed the golden apple on her table at the farthest corner.

She continued with her reading until she felt that she needed a rest, laying her head upon the book on the table. However, it also happened to be the perfect timing that she saw the apple she placed at the edge of the table currently only a few centimeters from her face, giving a really weird expression that would only be found in Midgardian modern customs, particularly in the thing they call the Internet.

At once, all of her fatigue seems to have drained away from her, as she immediately stood up from her seating. She backed away a couple of steps from the table. Her face was scrunched up in a look that can only be described as a mixture of confusion, shock and disgust, but she still managed to spit a few words out: "You are one weird apple..."

What she did not expect was for it to answer, as she turned her back on it to go to her bed.

"Thanks, babe." the apple answered in a husky voice. She felt as if the hairs on her back stood up straight as she slowly turned to the table with the apple on it to stare at it weirdly. The weird apple was currently making a more exaggerated version of that dreaded face resembling a certain 'emoticon' used to spam forums on the Midgardian social network meaning something rather inappropriate in content; as she learnt from her half-sister living on Midgard.

At this moment, she was certain that she should just discard the packaging and bring this odd fruit to either her mother or better still, her brother so that her mother would know nothing about this. "Maybe I should take you to Loki for him to see...or my brother who would rather crush you or cut you up..." She began thinking of whatever terrible thing her brother was capable of inflicting on anything as vulnerable as an apple "...or eat you...".

"Yes, let him eat me. I can be inside him." The apple interrupted Aradis' wild train of thought. She shuddered at the thought that the apple was still displaying that face that implied that it was a sexual innuendo that it had just said. "I could also stare at Loki all day..." it added on, making her feel really distressed at how to deal with this bizarre situation. "So, what will it take me to put some seeds into that?" Again. Another sexual innuendo. She decided to keep her cool and said coolly: "Damn...you are one salty apple..."

Which she might have regretted saying that, because the apple started spewing out an array of fruit-related sexual innuendos.

"I think 'juicy and ready' is a better term." "I hope you've got a big appetite." "Don't bite off more than you can chew. You might choke on me." The last one was what made her dead set on bringing it to Loki. "I'm hard, babe."

"Ok, that's it!" she insisted sharply on the apple, changing her feathered dragon wings into 10 dark blue tentacles, one holding the apple by its stem as far as possible, but not as ridiculously far as it has been known to go. She walked out of her chambers and started making her way to her mother's chambers. "I think I'll just put you with Loki..." she muttered under her breath. And the apple just had to choose this time, when she was walking in front of a few handmaidens and page boys to make a ridiculous remark about the tentacles she had been able to summon ever since she became a Nightmare.

"I've seen enough hentai to know where this is going." It earned her a few chuckles and sniggers from a few of the handmaidens and page boys that made her blood boil. Keeping her anger down to a minimum, she managed to say it calmly, but with a hint of the coldness that had threatened to creep in: "I promise you it wouldn't end up that way...I have better thing than to hold you as of now..."

At the same time, the other 9 tentacles grew sharp little barbs that were obvious to the handmaidens and page boys just to make the more senior ones hush them. She could hear them chiding them to be careful around this princess and her siblings, proceeding to tell them the notorious endeavors that this troublesome trio had gotten into before they were reined in by the help of a few mortal warriors and their then golden prince and his dark younger brother. Soon after they were out of sight, she retracted those barbs and kept going.

"Yeah, like fucking with me." That was the last straw, that made her stomp down the hallway. When she finally arrived at her mother's chambers, she opened the doors hastily, as if she was trying to break it off its hinges which gave Loki a little fright.

"Mother! There's an apple that talks, makes faces and wants things to make love with it!" She shouted at the top of her lungs, finally getting out her frustration and anger. She felt sorry when she had to stick the bewitched apple into her mother's face, and saw him jump from his seat a little bit when he was just reading a book with great concentration from her screaming. He collected himself a little bit before finally answering when he saw that weird apple: "Oh...isn't it just an ordinary apple?"

Then, she turned her tentacle a bit and showed Loki the face of the apple, which then spurted out: "I'm gonna start so many family trees!" It made Loki jumped back with a start, before he looked a little closely with curiosity. "Sup babe." it addressed him. "It has been spewing out sexual innuendos since it appeared on my table." Poor Aradis frustratedly told Loki about her little problem with it, from start to now. He then did realize why she brought this odd golden apple to him. It just kept flirting and spitting out really inappropriate sentences that were starting to irk him.

"Give it to me, child. I am going to see how I can deal with it." Loki offered, hoping that maybe he could find out if it was powered by any source of magic. And confront anyone responsible for disrupting his daughter's and his activities. "What do these horns do, babe?" The apple irritably shot out another absurd question, this time referring to him, just as it was being passed from Aradis' tentacle to Loki's hand, in which Loki said to Aradis kindly: "You may go back and continue your reading. And as for you..." he pointed to the apple and coldly said: "None of your business, odd thing..."

"My powers let me see through your clothes..." the apple let out another ludicrous sentence that made Loki roll his dark green eyes in a heck-care attitude. He placed it on his small side table and thought about the explanation his daughter just gave when a really ill-timed idea came to his mind. He looked at the apple, and smiled mischievously.

He teleported himself to the Trophy room in the golden palace, and placed the apple on an empty pedestal where Odin would be able to see on first sight. "This would be pretty useful for that old man..." he chuckled to himself. To which the apple added on a senseless claim: "Oh yeah 'cause I'm Odin's biggest accomplishment.", to which he shushed the apple and called a young guard he dragged to be involved in this "plan" of his (and promised to talk the guard out of trouble) to call Odin into the Trophy room to inspect an odd thing that wasn't there recently. "You, get the Allfather to come down here to inspect this."

After a few minutes, when Loki camouflaged himself with his magic, Odin Borson finally came into the Trophy room in his normal royal garb that he wore around the palace when there is no important events to attend to. Odin's one blue eye had caught sight of the golden apple and walked over to pick it up. "What is this?" he inquired to himself, holding the apple by its face side. He turned it over when he felt that weird rough sensation on his hand, and came face to face with the apple's face. "Hey gorgeous." the apple flirted with Odin, making the poor old King of Asgard shocked and stared at it with his one eye. "So...is that 'Odin' spelled with an 'eye'?" the apple talked again suggestively.

Odin could not help it but be too shocked to the point that he fell into the Odinsleep. Loki, throughout this ordeal, tried so hard to stifle his laughter but once the Allfather fell into the Odinsleep, he burst out of his hiding place laughing maniacally. In which afterwards, he ordered the guard to bring a few more of his friends to carry Odin to his chambers for him to recuperate. "You, get the guards and tell them Odin has fallen into the Odinsleep. Now." Loki told the guard involved in his "plan". Once the guard was gone, he took the apple and teleported himself back to his chambers.

"You are going to be quite useful for my future "plans" in mind." Loki told the apple, eyeing it with a sneaky smile. But he was reminded of what he had to do first before he does anymore harmless mischief when the apple blurted out: "Babe, what makes you think you'll be using me? I got plans for your fine self." To which he responded with a rather frustrated groan and placed the apple in a wooden box of his in fears of it being able to move around, while he thought of the possible culprit or culprits responsible for this boorish apple.