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All the World's a Stage

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Giles: (taking his glasses off and polishing them). I have to say, Spike - with some reluctance, I admit, since it's you - I'm quite impressed. Your knowledge of Shakespeare appears to be extensive.

Spike: (impatient) Heaven truly knows that thou art false as hell.

Giles: (putting his glasses back on). There's no need to be like that. I mean it.

Spike: (still impatient) You are more saucy with lords and honourable personages than the commission of your birth and virtue gives you heraldry.

Giles: (irritated) Now, look here-

Buffy: (bewildered) Can someone please tell me what's going on? (Glares at Spike). In English.

Spike: (dancing up and down on the spot) Frailty, thy name is woman. They have a plentiful lack of wit.

Buffy: (still bewildered, but becoming angry). Did you just call me stupid?

Spike: (throws his hands up). The rest is silence.

Giles: (patting Buffy on the shoulder) I believe what Spike is trying to tell you, Buffy - and do correct me if I'm wrong, Spike - is that he's been put under a spell so he can only talk in Shakespearean quotes and that he'd like you to do something about it.

Buffy: (bewildered again). Oh. (To Spike). Is that true?

Spike: (Nods) Your abilities are too infant-like for doing much alone.

Buffy: (bewildered again) Say what now?

Giles: (long-suffering) I think he means you can't take this demon on alone. The two of you should hunt it down together. (Frowns) Either that, or he's saying Dawn would be more use than you are, I'm not certain.

Door bell chimes off.

Spike: (very agitated suddenly)Thou leathern-jerkin, crystal-button, knot-pated, agatering, puke-stocking, caddis-garter, smooth-tongue, Spanish pouch!

Enter demon, painted full of Shakespeare quotes.

Demon: Go, prick thy face, and over-red thy fear, thou lily-liver’d boy.

Spike: You scullion! You rampallian! You fustilarian! I’ll tickle your catastrophe!

They fight.

Buffy: (picking up battleaxe) Hey, hey. No fighting in the Magic Shop.

Buffy and Spike fight the demon.

Spike: (to demon) Methink’st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee.

Demon: (to Buffy) Take her away; for she hath lived too long, to fill the world with vicious qualities.

Buffy: (Beheads demon) Whatever. Oops. (Wipes blood off her hand).

Giles: Oh, no!

Buffy: (nudging dead demon with her foot) Away, you mouldy rogue, away

Buffy: (Claps hand to mouth) O thou vile one!

Giles: (polishes his glasses again) Oh dear. I'm afraid you've been infected with Shakespeare too, Buffy.

Buffy: (speechless)

Giles: (Puts his glasses back on) Never mind. When Willow and Tara get back from college we'll work on a spell to restore you both. In the meantime, I suggest you and Spike go into the work-out room and...and hit each other a bit. That'll make the time pass quicker.

Spike and Buffy (together): Take you me for a sponge?

Giles: Quite possibly. Now, if you don't mind, I have some curses to inventory.

Exit Giles.

Buffy: (to Spike) I scorn you, scurvy companion.

Spike: (sneers) Your virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese.

Buffy: (hits him) O braggart vile and damned furious wight!

Spike: (hits her back) Hag of all despite!

Buffy: (panting) Such antics do not amount to a man.

Spike: (also panting) More of your conversation would infect my brain.

They stare at each other, both breathing heavily.

Buffy: I do desire we may be better strangers.

(They kiss, then jump away from each other)

Exeunt in different directions, as if pursued by a bear.