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Clarity

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Don't speak as I try to leave 'cause we both know what we'll choose
If you pull then I'll push too deep and I'll fall right back to you
'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why
If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

*Riley's Point of View*

It feels like I can't breathe.

Everything hurts.

I don't want to be around people.

Transcend hell. I am nowhere near transcending anything.

I feel like I am walking through mud to the knees all the time.

Normal stuff is almost impossible.

Breathing hurts.
Eating hurts.
Talking to people hurts.

I understand why people die from this.

I have two cuddly reasons to stay alive otherwise I might not have.

"Mama?" Katie's voice rings through my ears and I sit up.
"Yes baby?" I yawn and pat a spot for her on my bed.
"Are we gonna see daddy today? Dinner wasn't fun." She whispers and looks up at me, her big puppy dog brown eyes glimmering.
"I don't know." I sigh and touch her face. "Mama has to work and you have a play date with Sophie. I'll see what I can do."
"Okay." She replies and then jumps from bed. "I'm gonna go get dressed. I love you mama."
"I love you too, baby." I say and lie back into bed.

The tears stain my face as I curl up into a ball.

I feel as if I can hear my heart breaking a little more each day.

He's back.


I sit in Georgia's office, the back of the chair facing the door and a box of kleenex in my lap.

So many thoughts swim through my mind.

Why did he have to leave?

Why couldn't I have been good enough for him? I gave him everything and he still packed his things and left.

"Riley?" Selena calls as I begin to hyperventilate, a panic attack beginning. "Riley you have a client in room 5."
"Can you take him? I'm kind of busy." I reply, wiping my eyes in a mirror.
"He asked for you otherwise I would." She says and goes to leave. "I'll tell it will be a few minutes. Alright?"
"Okay. Is he a?" I ask, standing up from my chair.
"I don't know. Kendra just told me on my way in to let you know." She explains and digs through her purse. "Here. It will help the redness from crying. Everything alright?"
"I'm fine." I say and smile. "Kyle just came back and I'm kind of an emotional mess but I'm okay. I'll be okay."
"Well.. if you need anything. I'm here for ya." She says as I hand her back her eye dropper.
"Thanks Selena. It's good to know you have my back on this." I say and she nods before going to leave.

I take in a deep breath before walking out of my office and toward room five.

I knock twice and ask "all ready in there?"
"Yeah." Someone responds and I slowly walk in, closing the door behind me.

I smooth out my black slip and then turn to face the man on my table.

"Kyle, what are you doin here?" I say, my body freezing in place.
"I need to talk to you and this seemed like the only way." He replies and I feel my eyes filling with tears.

No Riley. Control yourself.

The temptation burning inside me.

I still love him.

But after everything he's done? I don't know what to think.

"Please baby hear me out..." He whispers and I nod before going to sit down on the stool before him. "You look good. Real good."
"What do you want to talk about?" I mutter, my eyes straying from him.
"Please look at me." He begs, his hand reaching out for mine.
"What?" I yell and look up at him, my eyes burning with tears as his hand cups my cheek.
"I love you." He whispers and I stare blankly at him.

I love you too, Kyle.
But I can't say that right now.

I stare at Kyle as he gazes back at me; his eyes burning with the intensity of a thousand suns.

"Riley," he whispers, his face now only inches from mine and the warmth of his breath lit me up like a candle.

A rush of heat starts in my chest and slowly spreads throughout my body, reaching every last limb. I can feel his eyes watching my every move, from the slight twitch of my lip to the way my shoulders rise and fall as I breathe.

Don't do it Riley.
He doesn't deserve you.

He leans forward slowly, his hand brushing the hair out of my face and in an instant his lips are on mine.

Rough and smooth, the same lips I've been kissing since I was 16 and my god are they still perfect.
He moves them around in circles and my heart swells. His breathing is deep and loud in my ear. He moans and so, I did too.

Before I knew it we are tearing clothes from each other and he is in deep inside me.

His touches were soft in tender to compete with his hard and fast movements.

My body crumbles underneath him and he crashes down and kisses me again.

"I love you... but I can't do this." I pant and sit up, his eyes looking over me with confusion. "I can't play house after what you did. I need time."
"I understand." He whispers in my ear, his lips pressing a kiss there. "You know my intentions. All I want is my family back. I especially want you to be mine again."
"If only I could just heal my heart and go back to you... but I can't." I sigh and quickly redress. "You broke me Kyle. I lost myself when you walked out. You don't just get to come back and take back everything you threw away last year."

There was a silence between us and then I look back at him one last time before grabbing the door knob.

I close the door behind before walking into my office and crumbling into a fit of tears.