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Proof is in the Pudding

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“Run the test again,” Tony said to Friday, his eyes not wavering from the screen.

“The results will be the same as they were the last three times, Boss.” Tony leaned back and burst out laughing. The chair almost fell backwards and he only laughed louder. His gut clenched as tears came to his eyes.

“Too—too rich!” He couldn’t breathe.

“Shall I get in contact with Agent Carter?”
Tony sobered up in an instant.

“Why would I do that?” Tony shrugged. “Cap made it clear that keeping information to ourselves doesn’t count as lying.”

*

Tony watched the media frenzy grow.

Sharon Carter and Steve Rogers’ wedding was all anyone could talk about.

Tony chuckled whenever newscasters put up images of what they thought Steve and Sharon’s future children would look like.

“Why are you so chipper?” Natasha asked. 

Tony had been for the ex-Avengers getting pardons so that they could help against Thanos, but he had been against them being reinstated after the threat was taken care of.

Tony grinned at her.

“I’m just really happy.”

“You’re up to something.”

“Nat, I would never lie to you.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Nothing, nothing at all.”

Tony turned away from her and turned up the TV.

*

Tony fastened his cufflinks, humming to himself.

At least Rogers hadn’t invited him to the bachelor party.

They may have once been best friends, but the second Bucky showed up Tony was as good as chopped liver in Steve’s eyes.

The whole debacle in Siberia and Steve living as an outlaw for two years didn’t help the situation.

“Let bygones be bygones,” Tony said to himself while checking his teeth.

He was camera ready.

*

Natasha gripped Tony’s inner elbow painfully. Tony didn’t react, despite knowing that she was going to leave a bruise.

“Whatever you’re planning on doing, don’t,” Natasha said quietly, not alerting the other guests around them.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“I will escort you out of this building.” Her grip was cutting off his circulation, but he didn’t drop his media smile.

“Ye of so little faith.” Tony patted her hand, but she didn’t relent. “Is this any way to treat a guest?” He batted his eyelashes at her innocently.

She let go of his arm.

“I’m watching you, Stark.”

Natasha faded into the crowd and Tony scoffed.

*

It was damn hard work, finding a way into the bride-to-be’s room. Even harder to get her alone.

“What are you doing here?” Sharon asked, a gun firmly held in her hands and pointed at him.

Tony rolled his eyes.

“Just wondering who’s going to walk you down the aisle.” Tony took a sip of his scotch while shrugging.

“If that’s an offer then I’m going to have to turn you down.” She began reaching for her phone.

“Why would I when you’re father is here?” Her hand froze before she looked at him with sharp eyes.

“My father died serving his country in Afghanistan.”

“Harrison Carter, funny thing about him was that he was sterile.” Tony pulled up a hologram of lab work. Sharon leaned forward, reading the blue text. “It’s also funny how everyone on your mother’s side has dark hair.” A family tree popped up. “I wonder where you get your blond hair from.”

“What are you getting at, Stark?”

“Don’t worry; you are your mother’s daughter. God rest her soul.” Tony stared at his drink, leaving her hanging.

“I’m calling security. I’d kick you out myself if it wouldn’t ruin my hair.”

“Don’t be like that, Shar-Bear. I’m only trying to share. Unlike certain parties I don’t like keeping the truth from others. I just wish you hadn’t kept your feelings for Steve a secret from Aunt Peggy. She would have had quite the story to tell.”

Sharon cocked her gun and aimed it at Tony’s forehead.

“You don’t get to talk about her. I don’t even know why Steve invited you.”

“He likes to pretend we’re still friends.”

“Get out.”

“If you had told Peggy she probably would have told you about a favor she did for her sister—A favor that would have dissuaded you from going after Peggy’s sloppy seconds. Why did you never tell her about your feelings? Felt guilty about going after her man?”

“Swear to god, Stark, I will shoot you.”

“Of course you’ve always wanted to be like her, but you couldn’t be Agent Carter without the matching Ken doll.” Sharon walked over and put the gun flush against his forehead. “Thing is, you didn’t know that she wanted the matching set too, but all she had left was his little swimmers.” The hologram changed. “You never thought it was weird that your middle name is Stephanie?”

“No,” Sharon whispered, her eyes pulled to the picture of her mother and aunt smiling as they crossed their fingers, an image of an artificial insemination clinic behind them.

“Sad, but true. Plot twist, you’re about to marry your own father!” Tony smiled widely. “Here’s your DNA and here’s his DNA. SHIELD had a course on this, didn’t they?” Sharon’s eyes were wide. She jolted over to one of the fake plants and vomited into it. “I know, sad stuff. If I found out I had been porking my own dad I’d be pretty upset too. Can you imagine how Steve will take it? He already felt guilty about sleeping with Peggy’s niece, let alone his own daughter!”

“Shut up,” Sharon said, still hunched over the planter. “Oh god!” Sharon gagged again, her whole body flinching.

“And the media is going to be a circus!”

“Stark!” She brandished her gun at him, but was still gripping the pot of the plant.

“Of course, none of them need to know.” Sharon froze. “You could always still marry him—”

“No!”

“Steve would be a mess if he knew. We have to protect him.” Tony finished off his drink. “I bury this information as far down as possible, neither of us tells him the truth, and you call the wedding off.”

Sharon took in a few slow breaths, tears in her eyes.

“He’ll be devastated. What will I even tell him?”

“Whatever you tell him will be better than the truth.” Tony set his empty glass down and he turned towards the door. “And whatever you decide better be soon. You’re supposed to be marching down the aisle now.”

Tony slipped out of the room with a smirk in place as Sharon vomited the last of her breakfast up.