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Technically, or, Another Humorous Interlude Between Epics

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"Technically," John Sheppard said, after the longest awkward pause in Torchwood's history, and Torchwood was like the post-graduate course for awkward pauses, "I outrank you."



The Rift had a sense of humour, Owen always maintained, and it was never more evident than when it opened up inside the Hub itself and dropped an Air Force officer, an astrophysicist, and two aliens into the pool at the base of the Roald Dahl Plass fountain.

Immediately there were a lot of guns drawn.

"OKAY," Jack Harkness called, when the sound of safeties going off died down. "Let's just -- take a breather here. You guys, put the guns down, and we'll put our guns down, and nobody dies. Sound good?"

"Where are we?" Sheppard demanded.

"Torchwood Cardiff Hub, Earth, twenty-first century," Harkness replied. "Who are you?"

"SGA exploration team one, based out of Atlantis, Pegasus Galaxy," Sheppard replied.

Clearly there was a protocol here, but neither side could think of what it could possibly be.

"You wanna stop aiming your giant phallic rifle at my boyfriend?" Jack asked.

"Now's the time to mention that?" Ianto said to Jack.

"Tell your boyfriend to stop aiming his Ruger at my boyfriend," Sheppard replied.

"Seriously?" McKay asked.

"This is pretty gay," Ronon observed.

"Captain Jack Harkness, Torchwood head," Jack said.

"Colonel John Sheppard, Atlantis base commander, SGC," Sheppard retorted.

Slowly, all the guns lowered.

"Technically, I outrank you," Sheppard added, when the guns were finally down.

"I very much doubt it, kiddo, but you've got great hair, so I'll let that go," Jack replied.

Ianto reholstered his gun. "Coffee," he said firmly. He pivoted sharply, disappearing into the shadows.

"Fun," Ronon said, to nobody in particular. "Is Cardiff in Canada?"

"No," Sheppard said. "Cardiff is in the ass of England."

"Arse," Jack corrected.

"Oh, this is going to be just brilliant," Gwen muttered.

"I like your secret base," Teyla said.

"Thanks," Jack replied. "I like what almost constitutes your shirt."

"Jack, you're not allowed to have an orgy," Gwen said firmly.

"Orgies are on offer?" McKay asked, looking intrigued.

"NO," Gwen and Ianto said, firmly and in unison.

"They never let me have any fun," Jack confided to Sheppard.

"You should try the Pegasus galaxy. They're all about sex," Sheppard said. McKay twitched.

Jack threw his arm around Sheppard's shoulders and gave all four of them a long, leering once-over.

"Colonel Sheppard," he said, "I think this is going to be the beginning of a beautiful friendship."