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Roxy's Threesome Addiction

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====> Dave: Bring up uncomfortable topics with John

DAVE: john we should really talk about this thing with you and roxy
DAVE: starting to get out of hand
JOHN: what? i thought you’ve always been fine with us dating!
DAVE: no thats cool
DAVE: pretty much had to get over thoughts of you constantly plowing my sorta mom a while back
DAVE: but the fact that im hearing that said plowing recently involves an ever changing third party
JOHN: oh god.
DAVE: yeah that shits a little fucking different
JOHN: can we please not talk about the threesome thing?
DAVE: no i think we kinda should
DAVE: like i dont know if you made it your mission to screw every remaining girl that we know or whatever
DAVE: and if that is the case then hey i guess its cool youre making progress there
DAVE: give you a solid bro fist bump and all like congrats on the sex
JOHN: ok, first off, that’s not what’s going on!
DAVE: then what is going on
DAVE: are you like tripping into vaginas or something
DAVE: like walking down the hall whoops i stumbled and accidentally wound up inside you rose sorry about that
DAVE: jade showed you a shitty anime like that and you said fuck yes new life goals
JOHN: no!
JOHN: and it’s not like i’m trying to do this or anything! i don’t get up planning to have a threesome every day!
DAVE: yeah im sure it must be really fucking hard on you
JOHN: well…ok, yeah, i’ll admit it hasn’t exactly been a bad experience
JOHN: but it’s not something i’m planning to do! they just sorta…
JOHN: um…
DAVE: no do go on
DAVE: let me know how these threesomes just fucking happen to you out of thin air
DAVE: youre just going about your day like normal until suddenly roxy and some other girl wind up in your bed unannounced so guess we might as well fuck
DAVE: thats how its going then
JOHN: uh…
DAVE: wait what
DAVE: what uh
DAVE: why is there an uh there
DAVE: that cant seriously be whats happening
JOHN: it…pretty much is though.
JOHN: roxy’s the one who does most of the convincing!
JOHN: and then they come to me, and explain it, and…
DAVE: no were stopping right fucking there
DAVE: what is this convincing horseshit about
DAVE: you cant possibly be telling me that your girlfriend who is also my hot mom is just guiding women to your bed for you to bang with her
DAVE: i really just need you to tell me that my hot ectomom is not essentially a threesome genie and youve got unlimited wishes
DAVE: please tell me thats not whats happening here john
JOHN: no, that’s…probably a good description, dave.
DAVE: great
DAVE: thats fucking great
DAVE: well i guess theres no getting that out of my head
DAVE: so since were here already we might as well go all the way down this nightmare hole
DAVE: how the fuck did this happen john
JOHN: uh…probably because of terezi?
DAVE: why am i not fucking surprised
DAVE: of course your cackling buzzsaw demon of a hatefriend is behind this somehow
JOHN: she’s not really “behind it”, exactly.
JOHN: but she was the one who asked us if we wanted to try a threesome.
JOHN: i think her reasoning was that it wasn’t terribly unusual to do something like that when sharing one partner in different quadrants.
DAVE: told you that quadrants shit was trouble going in
DAVE: although I guess trouble in your case turned into a cavalcade of vaginas so what do I know
JOHN: right, so we do it, and…well, it was really fucking good, i’m not gonna lie.
JOHN: roxy really enjoyed it too…probably too much, though.
JOHN: she kept inviting terezi over for threesomes more often, and eventually we were doing it with her more often than we were with just the two of us.
JOHN: like she was getting addicted to it, sorta.
JOHN: then she had the idea to bring other partners in and started “convincing” them to try it.
JOHN: either just saying that it would be fun, or making out with them just before I get there so they’re already in the mood, or…something like that.
JOHN: and then i show up and…roxy convinces me to join in, and…
JOHN: yeah.
DAVE: which brings us to now
DAVE: and you fucking pretty much every girl we know
DAVE: seriously how the fuck does she do that
JOHN: i dunno! she’s just really convincing!
DAVE: im sure
DAVE: after all she somehow convinced you to fuck all of them
DAVE: dunno how she manages to do that must take fucking miracles
JOHN: uhhh….

====> John: Flaaashbaaack

The Case of ROSE LALONDE

JOHN: uh…r-roxy, why is rose…um…
ROXY: hey johnny remember how we talked about you wanting to being a dad
JOHN: y-yeah, eventually, but…
ROXY: i know you wanna wait til were older thats cool
ROXY: well rosey and me were chatting about things like that
ROXY: and how she and kanaya cant have kids and all
ROXY: so i was thinking…
JOHN: oh god…
ROSE: I think it’d be easier if I just get to the point for you, John.
ROSE: And I promise, if the idea really makes you uncomfortable, I’ll drop it here.
ROSE: But…I do eventually want to be a mother as well.
ROSE: And after discussing the idea with Kanaya and Roxy, and getting both their approvals…
ROSE: I wanted to ask you if you would do the honors, so to speak.
JOHN: y-you want me to…uh, t-to…
ROSE: I want you to impregnate me, John.
ROSE: Again, this is just a request. I’m not going to force you into anything.
ROSE: If you’d rather not, or you’d prefer to wait until we’re a bit older to decide, that’s fine.
ROSE: I’ll certainly understand and respect your decision, whatever it is.
JOHN: um, well…wow, rose, that’s…
JOHN: its an honor, and…but i’m not sure if…
ROXY: hey dont worry about it too much there johnny
ROXY: you and rose have plenty of time to think about it after all
JOHN: yeah…i suppose…
ROXY: instead of worrying about that stuff why dont we…
JOHN: w-whoa! roxy, what are you…
ROXY: well john you might have noticed theres a hot mom and daughter pair in your bed right now
ROXY: both of whom are totes down for fucking with and getting knocked up by you
ROXY: so even if youd prefer to avoid the second part of the equation for now the first one still seems like a p good idea doncha think
JOHN: ufff…yeah, but…r-rose, are you…
ROSE: Hmmm…well, this…was the other thing I was given permission for, John.
ROSE: If you’re…comfortable with it, of course…
JOHN: ……
*Insert fuck noises here*

The Case of JANE CROCKER

JOHN: hey roxy, i’m baaAACK FUCK WHAT IS THIS!?
JANE: J-John!? W-what…ah…Roxy, wait, you said he’d…mmm…
ROXY: whoooops must have lost track of time
ROXY: anyways hey john i invited janey over to hang out for chill gal timez
JOHN: where the fuck are your clothes?!
ROXY: see chill gal timez
JOHN: then why are you in my room?!
ROXY: right that
ROXY: well janey here wanted to scope out your porn stash
ROXY: even though i was like noooo johns privacy and all
JANE: Wha-Roxy, you t-told me that we…we should…ahhhhmm…
ROXY: anyway we get in here and jane finds it and starts getting hot n bothered
ROXY: not that i can blame her its some hot shit
ROXY: and shes here getting all squirmy and starts rubbing those fuckin perf tits of hers and working her way down
ROXY: basically totally in the mood
ROXY: so being such a good friend i offered to help her with that
ROXY: and thats why my fingers are in her vagina in case you were wondering
JOHN: that’s…okay, I can’t…
ROXY: johnny
JOHN: …even begin to…
ROXY: joooohnny
JOHN: w-what?
ROXY: john
JOHN: …yes?
ROXY: john theres two hot teenage moms in your room halfway through sexytimes
ROXY: so you should be doing what with them right about now
JOHN: one of them is my mom!
ROXY: yup
ROXY: wanna know what she sounds like during an orgasm?
JANE: W-Wait RoxyyyyYYYYYYY-!
JOHN: ………
*Fuck noises again*

The Case of JADE HARLEY

JADE: hi john!!!
JOHN: nooooooope
JADE: ?
JOHN: this is not happening
ROXY: awww come on johnny
ROXY: you know as well as anyone that shes super cute
ROXY: all innocent and adorable and these fucking dog ears that are straight outta the animes seriously cmere girl gonna give em a scratch for ya
JADE: hehehe……woof
ROXY: also shes got some seriously banging tits
JADE: wait what
JOHN: roxy.
ROXY: am i saying something wrong here johnny
ROXY: because i thought it was obvious to everyone that the crocker-harleybert girls won the lotto in the boobs department
ROXY: not that my twins arent awesome too but its not a close contest
JOHN: she’s my sister!
ROXY: janeys your mom
ROXY: and that was p fucking sweet
JADE: WAIT WHAT???
JOHN: roxy!
JADE: john you and jane really…?!
JOHN: w-well…er…
ROXY: oh yes he did jade
ROXY: he did it damn well too
ROXY: never heard sweet little janey sound like that before
ROXY: not until john touched her juuuust like…
JADE: eep!!
JADE: r-roxy…mmm…y-you mean you really werent joking about…
ROXY: and let me tell you from experience jadey
ROXY: its unlike anything youve ever felt before
ROXY: the things john can do once youre like this? fucking unreal
JADE: u-um…thats…ah…
ROXY: i could tell you all about it
ROXY: or maybe youd prefer if i show you
ROXY: or maaaaaybe youd like it even more
ROXY: if he showed you himself
JADE: mmmm…er…w-well……
JOHN: …………
*surprisingly, more fuck noises*

The Case of KANAYA MARYAM

JOHN: uh…h-hi kanaya
KANAYA: Hello John
JOHN: roxy…this isn’t…
ROXY: well kanaya here gave rosey permission to do it a while back
ROXY: it was only fair that rose return the favor yknow
JOHN: okay, sure, but…i thought kanaya…
JOHN: i mean, kanaya, do you really want…
KANAYA: Ill Admit I Was Mostly Interested In Spending An Evening With Roxy
KANAYA: Obviously Only If You Approved I Wouldnt Want To Go Behind Your Back Of Course
KANAYA: But Rose Told Me That A Night With The Both Of You Was Quite Worthwhile Even Considering My Preferences
KANAYA: So When Roxy Offered I Thought It Was A Chance For An Excellent Learning Experience
ROXY: yeah john cmon and help kanaya have an excellent learning experience
ROXY: lesson one how to work the sha-
JOHN: roxy.
*yeah it’s pretty much just shouting TALLY HO like a hopesplosion from here*

The Case of VRISKA SERKET

ROXY: john before you say anything there was a bet ok
JOHN: a bet.
ROXY: yup
ROXY: poker night gets crayzay sometimes yknow
ROXY: shouldnta happened but now it did so we should suck it up an take care of business
JOHN: you bet that I’d have sex with vriska if you lost a poker game.
VRISKA: Lost?
VRISKA: 8ut that’s…
ROXY: yes thats exactly how it went down good job there johnny holmes
VRISKA: …eh, whatever. Win-win for me.
ROXY: yup these are def the things someone who won a bet would say
ROXY: so john are you gonna help me have sex with this hot spidertroll or what
VRISKA: :::;D
JOHN: ………………
*GADZOOKS*

The Case of ARADIA MEGIDO

JOHN: …so…
ROXY: no i thought id have to do some convincing too but shes p much down for anything
ARADIA: im pretty much down for anything
JOHN: …………………(shrug)
*AY CHI HUA HUA*

The Case of JASPROSESPRITE^2

JOHN: oh come on roxy are you seriously…
ROXY: no john this is so fuckin great
ROXY: crazy seizure cat rose is the fuckin shit at this
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Mrow thank you Roxy!
ROXY: john you gotta get in on this
JOHN: she’s got like tentacles and stuff!
ROXY: shit yes she does
JOHN: roxy!
*OH MY STARS AND GAAARRTEEEEEEEERRRRS*

====> John: Return to the present

DAVE: well anyway congratulations john
DAVE: youve successfully boned every living female of two separate species
DAVE: cross that fuckin achievement off the list
JOHN: mmmrg…
DAVE: also among your sexual conquests was a batshit insane supersprite that happened to contain a backup copy of rose merged with her dead cat and some tentacle shit
DAVE: a being whose existence made no sense whatsoever but existed anyways so you said what the hell and fucked it
DAVE: fucking kudos for that
JOHN: i get it!
JOHN: and don’t call them “conquests”, it just feels so fucking gross.
JOHN: they’re all my friends…even vriska…just ones i’ve happened to have sex with thanks to my girlfriend’s wily ways.
DAVE: yeah thats fair sorry
JOHN: plus it makes me feel like a manwhore or something like that.
DAVE: arent you though
JOHN: what, no!
DAVE: do i have to go back down the list of women who arent your girlfriend that youve had sex with john
DAVE: its an impressive list
DAVE: so impressive that im wondering more about the people who arent on it
DAVE: like how havent you banged calliope yet I mean arent she and roxy super close
JOHN: uh…well, roxy did bring it up, but…um, cherubs don’t really…
JOHN: see, there’s this snake thing, and…normally, they don’t even have…you know…
DAVE: oh no compatible parts got it
DAVE: okay so the only way to resist the rolal orgy field is if you lack a vagina or vaginalike organ
DAVE: makes sense i guess also explains why none of the guys have been pulled in yet
JOHN: that’s…ugh, i give up.
JOHN: i’m telling you though, i’m not trying to make this happen, dave.
DAVE: yeah i know
DAVE: but giving you a hard time about it is a lot easier than coming to grips with roxy as a fucking polyamory goddess
DAVE: like seriously is sexual divinity just part of being a lalonde
DAVE: between roxys threesome bullshit and roses circle of girl sex
DAVE: kinda makes me worry that its just something wrong with my side of the surviving genepool is all
JOHN: yeah, i…i guess i can see your point.
JOHN: and i’ll work on getting better at resisting her wiles for your sake.
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: thanks
DAVE: alright cool now lets never speak of this again
JOHN: agreed.
DAVE: okay changing topics right away
DAVE: what was that thing you needed me for
JOHN: uh…
JOHN: what thing?
DAVE: the thing that you messaged me about
DAVE: you said you needed my help with something so i figured sure why not
DAVE: good excuse to hang out slash rip on you for that which will not be mentioned
DAVE: that was still a thing right
JOHN: dave i thought you just came over to hang out!
JOHN: and i guess give me a hard time about my sex life.
DAVE: wait
DAVE: are you seriously telling me you didnt send me a message
DAVE: and that you werent expecting me to come over today
JOHN: uh…yeah?
DAVE: john
DAVE: this is very important so please tell me straight
DAVE: do you leave your pesterchum open where roxy can use it
JOHN: uh……oh.
ROXY: knock knock sup john
ROXY: whoa daves here too what an awesome coincidence
DAVE: NOPE

Chapter Text

====> John: Be Dave

You’d really prefer we not be Dave right now. Hell, you’d really rather not be you either, given the current circumstances, and that’s an incredible achievement, given how awesome it usually is to be Dave Strider.

Not going anywhere else, though, are you? Fine, have it your way. You are in fact DAVE STRIDER now. Alright, situation breakdown time. You are currently at your friend John’s house, where you have just finished hassling him for his increasingly extravagant sex life. Unfortunately, this hassling has brought several unsettling facts to light, most of which involving revelations about John’s girlfriend and your ectobiological mother, Roxy Lalonde.

Yes, it seems your hot mom has become something of a hedonistic deity with an inclination for threesomes in recent weeks, which has been the cause of John’s aforementioned sex life getting insane. Most importantly for your current situation, you have learned that Roxy’s got a silver tongue (oh god, don’t think about Roxy’s tongue right now) when it comes to talking people into sex with her and John when alone in a room with them.

The REASON this information is important is because you now find yourself in John’s bedroom with just him and Roxy. You have reason to suspect that, unlike what you previously thought, it was not John who invited you over today, when no one else would be home, but Roxy. Adding up this information, you have a possible conclusion in mind, one that is messing you up on more levels than you’re okay with.

…yeah, you’re pretty sure she’s gonna ask you to join John in fucking her. Like you said, you’re dealing with a lot of emotions about that, not the least of which is how said idea can be so insane and arousing at the same time.

Nothing’s happened so far. She joined you and John after the two of you finished shooting the shit about his non-stop fuck tour of human-and-troll-kind, and so far all you’ve been doing is chatting and playing a few video games. She’s kicking your ass at the Mario Karts, more so than usual, but you’re slightly distracted by making sure to avoid any and all conversation topics that could lead her to talk about sex and threesomes and you having sex with her in a threesome.

John, on the other hand, is putting up a decent challenge for Roxy, completely into it and having forgotten the whole “your girlfriend wants to add the other dude in the room to sexytimes” dynamic. Basically just being John, adorable dweeb extraordinaire, a man whose nerdiness belies the fact that he’s probably put enough notches in his headboard to reduce the thing to splinters. Y’know, if they were real notches and not a euphemism for all the sex John is having and dammit, stop thinking about John having sex. You’re having enough trouble not thinking about sex with your smoking hot ecto-mom as it is, you really don’t need to add in dirty thoughts about your best of bros as well.

“So, Dave…” Roxy calls out to you, and your mind snaps back to the present, where you are getting destroyed in kart games and not thinking about sex with anyone in the room, not at all. Roxy is so dominating this round that she’s not even looking at the screen as she starts talking. “How’s things with you, bud?”

“Eh. Things. Can’t complain, y’know.” You mumble something that sounds like a coherent reply. Your eyes have totally remained on the screen and most certainly did not just glance over at Roxy and catch a glimpse of her incredibly creamy thighs peeking out of the short shorts she’s got on. Nope, you were laser focused on running your kart guy into this wall.

“All’s good in the land of cool kids and chill, then? Good to hear……aaaaand boo-yeah!” Roxy starts giggling to herself as her kart guy crosses the finish line in first, getting a groan from John as he’s still fighting with the computer players for second. Roxy puts her controller down and stretches her arms above her head, and seriously you’re not scoping out how nice her chest is while she’s doing that. “Haha…ha…so, Davey…got anything goin’ on in the roooomance department?”

Oh god, she’s talking romance. Sirens are going off in your head. Red alert, battlestations, try to think of something to say that’ll get her to have sex with you. You mean not have sex. You don’t totally want to have sex with this super-hot teen mom sitting on the bed behind you. You…you need to think of something else.

Through all this mental anguish, you manage to keep your poker-face up. Never let ‘em see you sweat. You quickly mutter back, “Nope. Not really.”

“Awww, really? No one’s gotten on the Strider train yet?” Roxy lays down on the bed, stretching her legs out. Eyes, stay forward. Do not get pulled in by the amazing and barely clothed gams seriously those fucking shorts should be illegal. Roxy sits back up, kneeling on the bed after a moment and shooting you a grin as she continues, “I’d have thought you’d have found yourself a nice ladyfriend by now…or something. Actually, coulda sworn you and Karkat had something goin’ on, didn’t you?”

Oh thank god. Seriously, thank you Roxy, there was no better way to throw water on this raging incest fire than to bring up that particular state of affairs. “Nah…John asked me this a bunch, but really, we’re just bros. Nothing that rises up to ‘goin’ on’, on any level.”

“Huh…really?” Roxy cocks her eyebrow at you. “That’s weird…we all thought there was def something up with you guys.”

“Nope…sorry to disappoint.” You shrug back to her. Honestly, in most circumstances, you’d rather not talk about the living embodiment of the words ‘it’s complicated’ that you and Karkat were involved in just before the game ended, or what is going on with you two now, if anything, which there isn’t. But in this particular situation, you’d be more than happy to answer a million Vantas-related questions to keep your mind off other mom-lust related topics.

Roxy scratches her chin in mock-deep-thought. “Hmmmm…interesting. Well, what about Jade or Jane? I know you hang with them a lot…and don’t try and play like you aren’t gawkin’ at ‘em all the time. I remember you playing volleyball with those two on that beach trip few months back, and let’s just say your eyes weren’t exactly on the ball.”

“Yeah, pretty sure you’re just as guilty of eyeing up that choice Harley-Crocker bouncing yourself during that very same game, Rox.” You glance back at Roxy with a smirk. “Anyway, yeah, I’m not gonna say they’re not hot as hell because I’m not a filthy liar, but there is similarly nothing going on there, either. Just a guy enjoying the fact that some friends of his are oblivious to their own sexual fox attributes.”

That gets a good laugh out of Roxy, and…huh, you just noticed that John’s gotten pretty quiet. His kart guy crossed the finish line a while back, and he’s leaning back against the bed with a noticeable blush on his…

Oh. Right. He’s had sex with both of them, hasn’t he?

Pretty sure all you’ve done here is jog John’s memories of said sexual foxes, probably ones that involve…y’know, actual sex. And great, now you’ve got similar images circling in your head. Cause that was just what you needed to deal with right now, images of Jade and Jane getting taken to the Ecto-cest district of Pound Town.

“Uh oh, Dave, looks like you’re bringing up the rear.” Dammit, right, Roxy’s still here. Away with you, images of unsettlingly hot dweebs fucking. Yep, you’ve paid such little attention to this game that the race has ended without you crossing the finish line, as every other racer has finished, leaving you in last place. Your kart guy shakes his fist angrily as he laments his loss, and you can practically hear him curse your name, knowing that you and you alone were responsible for this failure.

“Welp, I guess the old gaming skills are a bit off today.” You toss your controller to the side and lay your head back on the bed. Well, if nothing else, you’ve gotten away from romance talk and Harleybert fuck-thoughts. “Good game, Rox. Sorry John was the only one to even make it interesting, while I was just here finding new and inventive ways to drive into walls.”

“Always a pleasure to dominate you kiddies in the nintendos. Come again anytime.” Roxy flashes a broad smile as she lays down on her stomach, her head right next to yours. The three of you are all quiet for a moment, the only sound in the room being the noise of the game before John reaches the remote and shuts the TV off.

It remains silent for about half a second before Roxy turns to you and asks, “Anyways, hey Dave, wanna fuck?”

…huh.

……yeah, your ecto-mom just swerved right back to sexy-talk, didn’t she?

………surprisingly, your head’s actually pretty clear right now. Aside from, y’know, the sounds of worlds colliding. The whole of the cosmos shattering. Time grinding to a halt. You could go on.

Somehow, you’ve managed to keep your poker face up yet again. Seriously, you could write a fucking book on never letting anyone see you sweat. It’d be a best seller, which in this universe means all of ten people would read it, but still. You look over to Roxy and see that her face is as calm and cheerful as ever, as though she had asked you if you wanted to play a different game, not to have sex with her. John, who you can see out of your peripheral vision, is blushing much harder than he was a second ago, but he hasn’t said anything yet. Guess it’s up to you, then. “Maybe I misheard you, but I’m pretty sure you should be asking John that. You know, your boyfriend?”

“Yeah, guess you’re right…sorry, still figuring out how to approach this.” Roxy rubs her head as she turns to said boyfriend. “Hey John, you’d be down for a threesome with Dave, right?”

That is not the same question she asked you. Not even fucking close.

John’s a little lost for words at the moment, his mouth hanging open at first. He gathers himself after a second, rolling his eyes and bringing his hand to his forehead, but he doesn’t answer right away. He’s thinking it over, hesitating a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, “…sure. I mean…yeah. If you want to, Roxy, and if he’s okay with it, I’m game.”

What. That wasn’t the answer you were expecting from John’s mouth, especially considering all the “Roxy had to CONVINCE me to do all that fucking” talk from earlier. C’mon, John, the obvious answer there was, “Roxy, are you really asking to have incredibly hot sex with my bro who’s also kind of your son, cause that’s a little messed up”, right?

“Awww, thank you Johnny. Mwah!” Roxy leans forward and places a kiss on John’s cheek, which you would say is just the cutest thing you’ve ever seen if not for the context, y’know, the one that involves boning your hot mom. She says, “So, Dave…interested?” as she turns back to you, and dammit why does that look seem so fucking hot right now. She’s not even batting her eyelashes that much or anything like that, but there’s a little spark in her eyes which, combined with that incredibly cute smile that’s curled up on her face, is driving you crazy.

Whatever it is, your poker-face is definitely shattered right now, and you are one hundred percent letting her see you sweat. So much for that book. Time to think about the new book, “Mom-lust: Irresistibly Hot Ecto-moms and the Cool Ecto-kids Who Fuck Them.” A trashy romance novel, sure, but yet another best seller, one that sells millions of copies. All of them to Rose, of course.

“Heheh…alright, I can tell I caught you just a lil’ bit off-guard.” Roxy giggles at your obviously conflicted face. “Okay, let’s back this up. Try again from the top. Ahem…hey there, Dave. Davey. Mr. Strider. How’ve you been? I know this might be a bit sudden, and trust me, you can say no at any time and I’ll stop right away, but you’re p hot and I’d totes like to have sex with you. So, and again, only if you’re cool with it, how’s about a little three-way action with me and my boy Johnny over here, huh?”

“I…okay, hang on. Give me a sex…fuck, I mean a sec, goddammit.” Welp, if you had any cool left in you, that little Freudian slip sure finished it off. Roxy’s laughing again, and John can’t help but join in as well. Smooth job there, Strider. “Alright, first thing, I need you guys to do me a solid and forget that just happened. Can we start with that?”

“Haha…sure thing, just gonna need a sex myself…pffft, hahaha…” Roxy gets about halfway through her statement before giving in to the urge to rip on that blunder, sending her back into a fit of laughter and getting John in as well and sure you guess you chuckled a little bit at your own expense. Damn, she’s infective. “Okay, no…haha…alright, that was my bad. Sorry, I couldn’t resist. ‘Kay, I’m cool now.”

“Right…anyway, I was trying to say, before I did that awful thing that we’ll never mention again, that I’m kinda…I’m still trying to wrap my head around this whole…thing you two have going on.” You sit up straight again as you start trying to work through your feelings on the matter. “Like…I was giving John a hard time about it earlier…”

“And then some.” John pipes in as he rolls his eyes at you. “You did kinda accuse me of being a manwhore at one point, Dave.”

“…yeah, I was ripping John about it pretty good, I’ll admit.” You amend your previous statement. “But I think it’s mostly because I don’t really get how it works. The whole poly thing. Like, I get why you enjoy it, and whatever works for you guys is fine with me, and…okay, I won’t play like I don’t think you’re also super-hot and it would be fucking amazing to have sex with you, ecto-cest and all…but I just want to know where you guys are coming from with this whole thing, and…shit, I’m not explaining this well, am I?”

“No, I get it, it’s okay. Not gonna pretend like this isn’t a pretty weird situation for others.” Roxy stops your rambling to reassure you. “Here, I have an idea. You ask us whatever you want about our whole poly thing, and we’ll try and explain it. Give us the whole ‘lightning round’ biz. And any time you decide, ‘this shit’s too weird, can’t deal with it,’ you can ollie outie and I’ll totes understand. Whatever makes you feel comfortable, and all, right?”

“Yeah, because lightning rounds with you always turn out great for me.” That got another chuckle out of her, and you’re feeling a bit more relaxed than you were a second ago. “Yeah, alright. I can do that.”

“Shit yeah, let’s get this lightning round goin’ then!” Roxy’s beaming again as she sits up, scooching back and patting the bed, inviting you to sit with her. “Alrighty, Davey boy, whatcha wanna know first?”

Chapter Text

====> Dave: Initiate Lightning Round

“Alright…let’s see…” You pick yourself up and take a seat on the bed, making sure to keep a nice, platonic distance between you and Roxy, while John sits down right next to her. “I guess we’ll start at the top…what got all this started? Like, what caused you to give the poly thing a try?”

“Terezi, basically.” Roxy answers you pretty quickly. “Like…okay, it was a while after me and John got together, really, when Terezi really started getting her hate-mack on. That had been going on for a while, but then it started getting kinda intense, and John came to me and…uh…”

Roxy looked over to John, who gives a bit of a bashful blush before he continued, “Yeah, I…well, I guess I came to terms with the black romance thing a lot faster than I expected. I mean, Roxy was teasing me about our ‘beautiful hate’ for weeks, even after we got together. But when Terezi told me she wanted me to actually…y’know, try the whole kismesis thing, I was worried that it might hurt things with Roxy. So I went to see her and we just…talked about it.”

“He was pretty cute, all messed up inside and pouring his heart out and…” Roxy was smiling as she remembered the conversation, but trailed off after noticing the embarrassed look on John’s face. After a second, she chuckled and ruffled the boy’s hair as she continued, “Uh…yeah, I think you get it. Anyway, we talked about it and worked things out. I told Johnny that he should go and try to fill his other quadrants, even if it came to sex and all that, and I’d be fine with it. And he said that if I ever wanted to do the same, he’d understand as well. So John started hate-dating Terezi, and every now and then he’d come home with a whole bunch of scars, which worried me a bit but was also kinda fucking hot. Which…uh, got me wondering how it’d be to get down with Rezi, and…”

“I’m just gonna stop you there, Rox.” You put your hand up before Roxy can finish her sentence. “Considering what I got out of John earlier, and how Terezi couldn’t keep her mouth shut on all the three-way action she’s getting to save her life, I think I can guess what happens next.”

“Gotcha. So yeah, we threesome, and hooooooooo-ly fuck was it good.” Roxy’s smile goes ear-to-ear as she’s clearly calling up the memory. “And basically, from there on out we were off and running on the threesomes-all-the-time thing. Couple times a week, a couple whole weekends, the beach day…”

“Oh god, the beach day.” John slaps himself his hand to his mouth in a futile attempt to stop himself from laughing. “Even after everything that’s happened over the last few months, that’s still the most ridiculous thing I can remember.”

“…Wait. Hold on. Let’s take a quick time-out, alright?” You make a T with your hands, the universal sign for the Commercially-Branded Sports Time-Out™. “Was there some other time you guys went to the beach by yourself? Because there’s only one other ‘beach day’ I know of, and if you’re telling me that you two and Rez got down to business while I was building a sandcastle made of dongs to piss off Karkat, I’m going to have to start questioning every decision in my life.”

John and Roxy glance at each other briefly before Roxy shrugs and answers, “Hey, it was totally Rezi’s fault for not knowing she wasn’t wearing anything downstairs, okay?”

You go quiet for a bit after that.

Eventually, you shake your head and rub your temples a bit. “Let’s put that one aside for now, because we could spend a whole fucking day going over how THAT bullshit happened.”

“Yeah, that sounds like a great idea.” John’s quick to agree. “Basically, though, it’s like I said before, we got into the threesome thing because Terezi.”

“Sure, I got that much, but that doesn’t explain why you two started banging all the other girls, man.” You look back at John, who blushes again at the mention of ‘the other girls,’ before you shift your gaze to Roxy. “Care to explain that one, Rox?”

“Can do, Davey.” Roxy nods back to you. “So, a couple days after that beach trip, John here had a hate-date with Rez. I was bored, so I gave Jane a call, and she wasn’t doing anything for the rest of the day. So I’m like, shit yes, haven’t had a proper girls’ night with Janey in a good while, so we made a sleepover out of it. So we were hanging out, playing games, then…uh…well, I had the bright idea to get revenge for the pillow fight we had the LAST time we had a sleepover…and…”

“Uh huh. I’d guess what comes next, but I don’t feel like putting my approximate knowledge of the most obvious lesbian porn script ever on display right now.” Now it’s Roxy’s turn to blush like crazy at your comment. “So why don’t we skip past the specifics again.”

“Y-yeah, sure…” Roxy nodded as she thought over what to say next. “So…yeah. Jane, man. I always meant what I said about how hot Janey is, but I had never actually thought to put that to…uh…practice, I guess. I don’t really know, maybe banging Rezi made me more conscious of girls, or I just got caught up in the whole sexy-pillow-fight thing, or…whatever. But she looked damn hot, and I was kinda feeling the mood, so I went with it. And…uh, right, skip a bit…then its morning all of a sudden, and I’m lying next to a super-hot naked Jane, and everything’s good…right up ‘til the moment I think ‘what do I say to John?’ Aaaaaaaaand then came a little panic attack.”

“Oh, so is this my turn to tease you for your heart-pouring-out moment?” John snarks at Roxy, getting a playful fist to the side for it. “Heh, sorry, sorry…still, it’s only fair.”

“Yeah, yeah, I hear ya…” Roxy rolls her eyes at her nerd before continuing. “So…yeah, I’m fine now because it all worked out, but in the moment I was just fucking freaking out. And I felt like I couldn’t talk to John about it, for…well, a bunch of reasons, obv. But I still needed to talk to someone, so…”

You add things up in your head, and the answer seems pretty clear. “Rose, huh? Of course it was Rose. Because how else would something like this get started without my ecto-sis getting involved?”

====> Roxy: Flaaaaashbaaaaaaack

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering tentacleTheraptist [TT] at 6:08

TG: aaaaaaaaaaaaagh roooose
TG: i fucked up so bad
TG: pls you gotta help me out
TG: kinda freaking out here
TG: oh god rose pls pick up pls pls pls
TT: Good morning to you as well, Roxy.
TG: oh thank god ur up
TT: I hadn’t been, but the Persterchum notifier on my phone was kind enough to rouse me.
TT: I’d make a pithy observation about the early wake-up call, but I can see you’re already agitated enough as it is.
TT: Might I ask what’s wrong?
TG: im a fucking awful person is whats wrong rose
TG: worst piece of shit this side of the universe
TG: just the absolute
TG: fucking
TG: worst
TT: Mmhmm.
TT: And this completely untrue and ridiculous belief was brought about by…?
TG: oh man what am i gonna dooooo
TG: i cant fucking believe myself and I dont know how im gonna face john at all and
TG: shiiiiit
TT: Roxy.
TT: Deep breaths.
TG: deep breaths right okay
TG: huuuuff pheeeeeew huuuuuuuuuff pheeeeeeeeeeeeew
TG: okay im still freaking out but a lil less now i think
TT: Very good.
TT: And typing in your breathing was quite cute.
TT: Now, I’m going to go make a cup of coffee, but I’ll return very shortly.
TT: Please continue to take nice, long breaths and try to calm yourself down until I return.
TG: ok ill try but pls dont be long rose im just so fucked right now and i need someone to talk to
TT: I’ll be here for you, Roxy.
TT: Just as soon as I can caffeinate myself to a more-or-less functional level.

tentacleTheraptist [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 6:15

……

tentacleTheraptist [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 6:24

TT: Sorry for the wait.
TT: Have you managed to calm down a bit?
TG: i guess
TG: im still an awful fucking person but i think i can talk about it without losing my shit now
TT: If that’s the case, we can get back to the million-dollar question.
TT: So, what exactly did you do that would make you deserving of such a title?
TG: i slept with janey
TG: and not slept slept but SLEPT slept
TG: im saying we totes fucked
TG: which would be great and WAS great except for the whole i have a bf and ur not him dealie
TG: and then i woke up in bed with a naked jane and realized im a fucking cheating scumbag and kinda started panicking
TG: and she woke up and couldnt believe we did that and we have no idea what to fucking do or what were gonna tell john
TG: oh god rose what do we tell john
TG: rose
TG: oh no u think im a monster dont u
TT: No, that’s…that’s not it.
TT: I’m sorry, the image of you and Jane naked in a bed together was a bit distracting, is all.
TT: And no, I don’t think you’re a scumbag or a monster for having sex with Jane, Roxy.
TT: Is Jane still with you, by the way?
TG: yeah
TG: pretty fucked up about it too tho
TG: and worst is shes only beating herself up because she thinks she messed up me and johns relationship when really its all my fault
TG: she shouldnt feel guilty im the one who fucked everything up
TT: Roxy, I know it might seem bad right now, but I promise, you haven’t fucked everything up.
TT: I’m not going to press you on the details, but it seems pretty clear that all you did was get swept up by your emotions a bit more than you think you should have.
TT: And you and I both know John well enough to know that boy has enough kindness in his heart to forgive you if you’re honest with him and tell him that.
TT: You are going to tell him, right?
TG: of course im gonna tell him
TG: i wouldnt fucking hide this from him thats fucking gross
TT: Then you’ve already proven you’re not a cheating monster or scumbag, or whatever other epithet you had cooked up for yourself.
TT: A true cheater would lie about it and hide their affairs from their partner rather than be honest and tell them face up and explain what’s going on.
TT: So by committing to talking to John and working through the issue together, you’ve already proven you’re not a scoundrel or anything like that.
TT: Does that make sense?
TG: i guess so
TG: but im still feeling kinda
TG: man i dunno how to explain it
TG: its just weird and i dont know what johns gonna say
TT: Honestly, I really don’t think you need to worry about what John will say once you tell him, Roxy.
TT: Even if you were to leave aside the fact that he has a bigger heart than just about anyone else that we know, I have trouble seeing John, of all people, being one to get upset about you having sex with another partner.
TT: I’m fairly certain you and Terezi have been introduced, after all.
TT: Quite intimately, if the latest gossip is any indication.
TG: hehe uh yeah i suppose u could call that being introduced
TG: but still tho thats a quadrant thing this was just
TG: a plain ol ur hot lets fuck thing
TG: dunno if itll be the same
TT: Probably not, but I think there’s a bit more in common than you’d think.
TT: Certainly, kismesis relationships are an odd beast in and of themselves.
TT: As I’m discovering more and more, thanks to my own recent forays into the genre.
TG: lol yeah hows the spidertroll treating u
TT: I’ve got no complaints on that…wait, we’re getting sidetracked here.
TT: I can share some stories later, but let’s keep focused for now.
TG: shit right my bad
TT: Anyway, my point was that, in order to accept quadrant relationships, you have to accept that it inherently means multiple sexual partners to a degree.
TT: You even told me you had a similar discussion with John when Terezi approached him about going official with their beautiful hate.
TT: That he was worried it’d be a type of cheating, but you assured him he was fine with it.
TT: And, in turn, he told you he’d be fine with you doing something similar.
TT: Maybe your similar something just happens be closer to classic polyamory than quadrants?
TG: uh
TG: poly huh
TG: hmmmmm
TT: It’s not so far off, is it?
TT: After all, it’s not as though this is your first brush with more casual sexual relationships.
TT: You and Terezi have had sex without John as well, right?
TG: yeah
TG: a few times
TG: but not as many times as weve all been together for a threesome tho
TG: either way its been pretty choice i won’t lie
TT: During any of those times, did you consider what you were doing to be cheating on John, or something he’d be upset about?
TG: uh
TG: not really???
TG: like sure the first time it was just me and rez she was cackling about messing with John about it and i told her off
TG: like woah not cool rez
TG: but ever since its just been
TG: fun
TG: two gals with the same bf bonding if you kno what i mean
TG: often on top of said bf ;)
TT: And did your night with Jane feel similar to that?
TG: uh
TG: wow yeah
TG: i actually hadnt thought about it but yeah
TG: just funs a p good way to describe it
TT: Then maybe that’s what you need to tell John.
TT: Tell him you got caught up in the moment with Jane, but that this is a part of who you are.
TT: Just like he was honest with you about his black feelings, you should let him know that you’ve discovered a budding taste for polyamorous relationships.
TT: If I know our Mr. Egbert, I have a feeling he’ll be quite understanding about it.
TG: yeah
TG: yeah i think ur right
TG: man im still nervous about it but i think…
TG: i think itll work out?
TG: thanks so much rose u da best
TT: You’re quite welcome, Roxy.
TT: Now, you should probably see to calming Jane. Reassure her that no one is at fault here, and that you’ll get through this.
TG: yeah ill do that
TG: should uh
TG: probably get some clothes on first tho
TG: and wow yeah im gonna need to find hers too
TG: might be a lil tough while were both a little exposed yknow
TT: Yes, well…
TT: I think I can see how that would be distracting.
TG: lol u know it
TG: hard to do real talk when those crockers r hanging out
TG: just trying not to flashback n get sucked in again
TT: I suppose you must be back in good spirits, if we’ve managed to steer you back to lurid banter about Jane’s assets.
TG: hehe yeaaaaaah
TG: like i still know we messed up last night and i need to come clean bout it to john but the little voice in my heads all
TG: she is super fucking hot and last night was fucking sweet
TG: u need to do that again
TG: and i know i gotta push those thoughts out because its serious the fuck up time
TG: but theyre feisty thoughts
TT: I can imagine.
TG: dang it there they are again
TG: dammit jane y u have to be so fucking hot
TG: cmon brain get back to john
TG: no dammit dont add john to…
TG: uh…
TG: …………
TT: Roxy?
TT: Is everything okay?
TG: yeah im
TG: sorry im fine
TT: Are you sure?
TT: You trailed off there quite suddenly.
TT: What happened?
TG: nothing happened im fine
TG: just
TG: mmmmmmmm how do i say this
TG: kinda had an image fly through my head
TG: aaaaaand it was
TG: just the hottest fucking thing
TG: but probably a little hotter than i should be okay with tho???
TT: Well, my curiosity’s peaked.
TT: Care to go on?
TG: uh
TG: k just dont tell anyone else
TG: invoking total lalonde secrecy rule here
TT: The Total Lalonde Secrecy Rule is heard and acknowledged.
TT: My lips are sealed to all non-Lalonde ears.
TG: ok
TG: so
TG: ive told you about how much fun its been having these threesomes with john and rezi right
TT: You may have mentioned it once or twice. Or every day, basically.
TG: heh yeah
TG: well i mean everything i say about it
TG: its just fucking amazing and i love everything about it
TG: but one of my favorite things is watching john as hes fucking rezi
TG: just something about the look on his face or his little moans
TG: things i miss when hes fucking me because my brains kinda busy dealing with how incredible it feels
TG: i dunno but it just drives me crazy
TT: Mmmhmm.
TT: I can see the appeal.
TG: so
TG: like i said i was trying to get my mind off janes hot bod and think about john and real talk
TG: but my brain decided to just add john to sexytime thoughts with jane
TG: and suddenly im there in that incredible moment but instead of rezi moaning under john its jane
TG: and
TG: gooooddaaaamn
TG: its just too much and im so turned on and its really not the time but fuuuuuuuuck
TT: So…a threesome with John and Jane, huh?
TG: yeah
TG: but
TG: even leaving aside the fact that its my bf and one of my bffsies
TG: probably shouldnt be super turned on by thought of john fucking his mom should i
TG: even if i get to be in on that fucking awesome sandwich right
TG: uh
TG: rose you there
TT: Yes!
TT: I mean, of course, it’s…
TT: Sorry, I can’t lie. That is an incredibly arousing image, and I kind of got lost in it for a moment.
TG: i kno right
TT: Though I can also understand the ecto-weirdness involved in such a situation…um…
TT: Do you…
TT: Do you want that to happen?
TG: wut
TG: you mean like
TG: do I want to get john and jane together for a threesome
TG: like in real life
TT: Well…yes.
TT: Assuming I’m right and John is his lovably understanding self about polyamory…
TT: It isn’t outside the realm of possibility that you could interest him in a threesome with partners besides Terezi, is it?
TG: ………
TT: Roxy?
TG: hoooooool-ey fuck yes
TG: omg i didnt know how badly i wanted that until this moment
TG: fuck i
TG: shit cant even think right now im so turned on
TT: Are you alright?
TG: shit right gotta rein it in
TG: doesnt matter how fucking hot the idea is i need to focus on doing right by john
TG: rose thank u so much i gotta go and make sure i dont fuck this up
TG: ill make it up to u later mwah <3
TT: Wait, Roxy…

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTheraptist [TT] at 6:53

……

ROSE: …hmmm.
ROSE: Should I not have said that last part?
ROSE: My Seer powers said it would be the most fortuitous option, but…
ROSE: …well, I suppose I’ll have to wait and find out.

…………

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering tentacleTheraptist [TT] at 15:02

TG: hey
TG: rosey
TG: thanks again for today
TG: um
TG: hey
TG: do you remember that time we talked about
TG: how you wanted to have kids one day

Chapter Text

====> Roxy: Go back to being Dave

…yeah, of course it would be something like that.

Rose just had to say one thing too many, and just like that a powder keg of sexual energy gets unleashed. Then again, by this point you’re getting the idea that powder kegs of sexual energy is basically her and Roxy’s aesthetic. These goddamn Lalondes, man.

“…so then I go meet with John, and…well, let’s skip over all that jazz for the time being.” Roxy’s got an awkward smile on her face as she finishes her little recap of her talk with Rose. She glancing over to John, her smile widening at his quickly reddening face, before she looks back to you and segues right back to the fun stuff. “Anyways, yeah, the next day, me and John have things more or less figured out, and Rose comes over to make sure we’re doing okay. One thing led to another, and…”

“Yeah, I got this part from John. All of it that I want to hear, anyway, so don’t worry about filling me in on all the mom-daughter sandwich positions you decided to trot out that day, alright?” You quickly respond before Roxy can go any further. Not that that completely stops her, as she’s giving you a knowing smirk and goddammit what does she think she’s doing with those hand gestures. Oh my lord. Quick, look to John. Yes, John, your absurd levels of blushing are the correct response here. Thank you for getting us through this.

“All right, I’ll spare you the hot fucking deets.” Roxy sighs and shakes her head, but the smirk doesn’t leave her face as she scooches closer to John and wraps her arm around his waist, pulling him in to an embrace. “Point is, I figured my shit out and John was pretty comfortable with my…uh, experimenting, so I figured I’d experiment some more. Me and Janey had another fun night not long after, then a couple days later, I invited her over here, and…”

“Yup, got this one too. Hot moms in your bed, whatcha gonna do. Heard it.” You slap your hand to your face to try and keep your thoughts away from any and all thoughts of that situation. Nope, not working. You’re cold thinking bout Crocker bouncing on John’s cock now. Roxy’s right, that image is unsettlingly white-fucking-hot. “Fast-forwarding again.”

“Oh, what, booooo.” Roxy starts mock-razzing you. “Am I gonna get to tell any of these stories?”

“Nope, we’re good. Don’t forget, this is my lightning round, you agreed to that. So cut it out. Stop thinking bout that Jade story right the fuck now.” You roll your eyes, though you doubt she noticed because your hand is still covering your face.

“Mmmmm…fine, fine, I get it. Well, not that it’s much of a lightning round, since it’s only been a couple questions so far.” You hear Roxy giggle a bit at that observation. Damn, she’s right, you got caught up in that and didn’t keep up your end of the lightning round deal.

“Right, right. Lightning round’s back.” You drop your hand from your face and fold your arms in your best serious-business pose. “So, you and Jane a thing, then, like John and Rezi are?”

“Not really. It’s always pretty casual.” Roxy shrugs. “We still hang like usual, just every now and then those hang-outs end with us in bed. That’s all. Gotta be honest, it’s pretty fun once you get to the point where it stops being a federal fucking issue when you have sex.”

“Mmhmm. I’m sure.” You try and keep up your serious business shtick, adjusting your shades in a no-nonsense way. “And you’re cool with John doing the same? Even with girls who aren’t Terezi?”

“Yuuuup. One hundred million percent.” Rox’s grin gets about as wide as possible. “Even asked him to take pictures, but that’s usually a no go. I have to settle for stories after. Well…most times…”

“Oh god, John, please tell me there are pictures. Wait, shit, I mean don’t tell me that. And I don’t want to see them, that’s be super uncool, so please don’t show me them.” Your serious shtick collapses in an instant as soon as the concept of visual evidence of John’s sex tour of the surviving humans and trolls comes up. You’re really hoping he doesn’t…

Huh. Actually, John’s being pretty quiet all of a sudden. You expected some kind of comeback, but he’s just kinda…

Wait.

Why does it sound like he’s breathing a little heavy?

……Wait.

Oh god, Roxy’s hand is in his pocket. And it doesn’t take much to figure out what those little movements going on there are all about.
Your brain’s on red alert again. Battlestations are manned. Sexy-time combat has officially been initiated, with an opening foray of pocket pool. And…yeah, you have no idea how to handle this fucking situation.

“Hmmm…well, why don’t we leave these potential photos aside for now.” Roxy smiles, noticing that you’ve realized what she’s doing. Not that it’s stopping her, as she turns to John, who you’ve finally decided to notice is having a really hard time keeping cool about the fact that he’s getting jerked off right now. “The point is, I’m fine with whoever John decides to get down with, same way he’s cool with my biz. In fact…been a while since we checked in on that. Hey, John, out of curiosity…since that time with Rose, which was…what, almost three months ago? Anyway, since then, how many times have the two of you gotten together?”

“Nnnn…uh…” John’s struggling with…well, a lot of things, really, but whether to answer that question is among them. After a moment, he finally spits out, “F-five…no s-six times.”

“Yeah, that’s about what I’d figure. I’ve been with Janey seven times since this all started, so six with Rose sounds right.” Roxy nods as though anything she just said made sense. “Funny, I actually think that’s the same number of times I’ve been with Kanaya…and its not always when you and Rose are getting down and she’s bored. Speaking of, how bout Kanaya, John? How many times you been with her?”

“Ha-Haven’t been.” John shakes his head, still stammering a bit as he speaks. “She’s not…not interested if you or Rose aren’t there.”

“Really? Huh…she seemed to enjoy it during that threesome…and those times both her and Rose were here…” Roxy trails off, just casually dropping that implication of a four-way like it was nothing. “Whoops, off-track. Right, stay focused, Lalonde. Okay, John, how about…Janey? How many times you been down with the momlust, Johnny?”

“Th…three times.” John hesitates for a second, as he glances to you, and you’d swear he’s looking a little more embarrassed as he looks away again, if that’s even possible. “Same w-with Jade, before you ask.”

“Not counting the times they were both…” Roxy starts speaking, but John quickly nods his head to keep her from finishing the statement. Not that it mattered at that point, because you got the gist. John fucked his mom and sister at the same time. Also, Roxy was probably there, too, so that’s three out of the four human girls at once. He was a Rose away from another crazy fucking achievement, probably something like “the Full Egbert” or whatever.

Also, wow, you had no idea you could be this hard with absolutely nothing being done to you physically. A rather large amount of your mental capacities are currently focused on thinking the un-sexiest thoughts you can possibly think to stop you from jizzing in your god-tier jammies. You don’t know if you can launder that shit out, and you’re really not interested in finding out right now.

“Okay…hmm, who else…” Roxy is seriously not helping right now, constantly giving you these sultry little glances as she continues to test John in more ways than one. “That’s all the human ladies, and you tell me all the times you’re going to see Rezi, so…Vriska?”

John goes pretty quiet here. He’s breathing pretty heavily as Roxy keeps up her diligent hand-work, but you can tell he’s unsure of what to say here. Roxy gets a bemused look on her face as she leans in closer to John, her smirk widening as she patiently waits for an answer. Finally, John grunts out, “N…nine times.”

Roxy whistles and lets out a little laugh. “Dang, Johnny, you got that spidertroll all wrapped around your finger, doncha?”

“Wa-wasn’t my plan!” John protests a bit, though the way he’s leaning back while Roxy continues to rub him off isn’t helping him look convincing. “Sh-she’s been the one coming over all the t-time since we…since the bet thing, and…”

“I know, I know, just messing with ya, hon.” Roxy leans in again and plants a quick kiss on John’s cheek. “Seriously, that girl’s like the kid who got to ride her first roller-coaster, and now she keeps going back and getting in line. Rosey tells me she uses it a lot when teasing Vris on their hate-dates.”

John tries to respond, but all that comes out is an “Ooooh, fuuuck…” and his face scrunches for a second. You…yeah, you’re pretty sure that’s a “don’t blow it, don’t blow it, DO NOT BLOW IT” look there. You should probably help the dude out.

You clear your throat loud enough to get both their attentions, then quickly state, “Hey Rox, not that I’m not finding your torment of John highly entertaining, because it’s pretty hilarious, but it if you don’t pull back just a bit, you’re gonna have at least one pair of messy god-jams to deal with.”

“Heh, yeah, think you’re right there, Dave.” Roxy laughs again, finally pulling her hand out of John’s pocket, as the boy lets out…something that’s a bit of a relived sigh with a tinge of regret. Roxy glances at her hand a bit, kinda…reminiscing, maybe? Not sure if you’re reading her face right, but whatever she’s doing, there’s a sultry look on her face that is just doing incredible things to you right now. It only last a second, though, before she looks back at you and says, “So, Dave, I know lightning round kinda got sidetracked a bit, but…I’m kiiiiinda ready to go here. Think Johnny is too. And it, uh, looks like you’re right about there with us.”

You don’t even need to look down to know that you’re standing at a completely full mast over here. “Yeah, s’pose I can’t deny that.”

“Right…so, uh, again, you can say no at any time and we’ll stop, but…” Roxy makes sure to add that get-out-of-jail free statement, but you recognize the nervous note in her voice as she says it, one you pretty quickly identify as the “you can but please don’t” tone that you’re also adept at. She super wants this, but she’s too nice to not leave you an out in this situation.

…if you wanted it, of course.

“I get you, Rox…just…one more question, though.” You glance at her for a sec before you switch your gaze back to John. “John…and I know you’ve said it before, but really just wanna be absolutely, no-doubt fucking one-hundred percent sure. Last time, no backsies…you’re cool with this? This won’t make things…weird between us?”

“…hah…ha, what, like…there was a ‘normal’ between us?” John finds the energy to crack a joke as he catches his breath, laughing at his own joke and…alright, you admit, you kinda chuckle a bit. Damn this nerd and all his adorable charms. He’s still laughing a bit before he finally goes, “Yeah, Dave, I’m good. Promise you, this won’t make things awkward or anything like that. You’ve got my word.”

You take a deep breath, letting it out slowly before you go, “Okay then.” And just like that you scooch over, sitting closer to Roxy and giving her a smirk. “So…how we doing this, Rox?”

Her face lights up, and damned if it’s not the most attractive look you’ve ever seen, even counting all the sultry looks she’s been tossing your way today. She seems to consider it for about half a second before reaching for the hem of her god-tier top, pulling it up with one motion.

She is…not wearing a bra, is she.

Welp, guess you can’t say you weren’t ready for this. Yeah…yeah, those are your mom’s tits. Fucking A, man.

She stands up, and her hands go to her shorts and wow, that didn’t take long. She is not a time-waster, is she. Shorts and panties are off in one motion, and goddamn, that ass is choice. You’ve usually tried to avoid getting distracted by moms and their hot asses, but you think you’re allowed to enjoy the view for a moment. You don’t get long, however, before Roxy kicks off her garments and glances back at you and John, wiggling her eyebrows as she says, “Boys, this party has a very strict dress code, and you are not meeting it. Why don’t you go ahead and start fixing that?”

Can’t resist that invitation. You quickly glance to John and give him a shrug, as the two of you stand up at once and begin disrobing. Hoods, capes and shirts come off fairly quickly. Your hand hesitates for a moment as the grab your jammie pants, though. Come on, cool kid, you’re just whipping out your cock in front of a super-hot DTF girl who’s also your biological mother and your best friend who happens to be her boyfriend. Seriously, nothing to get worked up over.

And…yep, pants are gone. Hey there Lil’ Stride, you look ready for action. Alright, cool, now don’t look to your left and you’ll be goddammit, you looked. Fuck, John’s huge. Why. Oh god, why. Only two dudes your age in the entire fucking universe to compare yourself too, and one of them’s a shouty alien, so you’ve got this in the bag, right? Nope. Now you know you don’t stack up. And shut up, reasonable part of your brain that’s trying to remind you that John’s really not that much bigger, and even if he is you know you’ve got a good sized cock anyway, seriously you got out the fucking ruler and checked for yourself and…

Okay, time to stop making Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff cracks in your head. You want this boner to stick around for a while. And you want to be able to look back at your masterpiece without immediately thinking of that time you fucked your mom.

Fortunately, all those things you were thinking about get thrown out of your head as the sensation of gentle fingers wrapping around your cock blasts every other thought away. Roxy’s looking down at you as she gives you a light little tug that’s doing way too much to you right now. She ain’t looking disappointed at all, either. She looks up at you, a sly smile on her face as she whispers, “Why hello there, Mr. Strider. Eager, aren’t we?”

“Wouldn’t be right to turn down a lady’s invitation, would it?” You try to snark back at her, and god, you hope she’s laughing because that came out as smooth as it sounded in your head and not because you stumbled your way through it. You’re not really sure what’s happening around you right now, cause every sense in your body is focused on what’s happening downstairs.

She is laughing though, so you guess it wasn’t too bad and ooookay she’s leaning in and kissing you now. Okay, all other thoughts need to leave again. Focus is required, as your arm wraps around her waist, as you pull her close and kiss her back. She giggles into your mouth as you start returning the kiss and you really need to make her to do that again. Of course, she’s still got her hand on your cock, and she teases the head in juuuust the right way to pull a moan and a “fuuuck” out of you, causing you to drop the kiss.

Roxy chuckles lightly again as she pulls back, biting her lip a bit as she looks you over and admires the effect she’s having on you. Then she looks to your left and oh right, John’s here. It’s amazing how getting a handjob makes you forget some rather important things. Looks like John’s getting a similar treatment, as Roxy’s other hand is working his shaft (seriously stop comparing dicks you idiot focus) and pulling some sighs out of him. She leans in and give him a kiss too, surprising him a bit as his eyes had started to close, but he’s quickly giving it back to her.

It’s just a brief smooch before she pulls away, and she looks down at the dicks in her hands a bit, that sly look on her face again. She mutters, “Hmmm…now that we’re here, I kinda wanted to know what it’s like…” before her head starts lowering and oh god, she’s on her knees. She’s kneeling down with a cock in both hands. That’s it, you’re in a porno now, you’re sure of it. There’s a director around her somewhere yelling at some beleaguered assistant that the lighting on those dicks better be fucking right, he swears to god…

Wait. She’s kneeling down with a cock in both hands. You’re quickly reviewing the pornos with a similar situation that you certainly haven’t seen in your head, and you’re pretty sure what happens next issssss fuuuuuuuuck.

The sudden wetness making contact with your dick makes your whole body shudder and brings you back to your senses. You look down, and Roxy’s tongue is lightly licking you from the head of your cock down the shaft, as she looks up at you and smiles. You have absolutely no way to deal with this. Your body’s pretty much on autopilot right now, as your hand reaches out and ruffles through her hair as you try to hold back highly unsexy grunts.

Not that you’re able to resist for long, because as her tongue makes it back to the head of your dick, she brings her lips to the tip and starts slooooowly sliding you into her mouth. And holy fuck, you are not prepared for this. Imagining a blowjob in no way prepares you for actually receiving one. All you can do is mutter “oh fuuuuuck” and her head starts lightly bobbing on you, occasionally shooting you a glance before her eyes close again as she enjoys the moment.

You are currently a hot fucking mess. Most of your brain is being overloaded with the fact that you are getting blown right now, the parts that aren’t are shouting ‘hey our moms sucking us off are we sure thats ok’, and any remaining brain cells that aren’t caught up in all that are desperately trying to stop you from unloading in her mouth right here and now. You don’t know how you’re gonna hold out for…oh.

She pulls back from your dick, making an extraordinarily satisfying ‘pop’ sound as it come out of her mouth, before she looks to John’s dick and does the same to him. His face scrunches up, and he immediately starts muttering, “Oh fuck, Roxy, I……mmmmmmgh…” before his resistance crumbles from Roxy’s pressure.

Your brain has returned to slightly-more-functional levels, and there’s a lot going on in there. First off, hey, Roxy’s still stroking you off, and man, that is still fucking great. Second, you really weren’t expecting the parts where Roxy focuses on John to be as hot as this, but you are so not complaining about it. Something about the pleased little sounds she’s making that you’re just noticing now because you were kinda preoccupied a second ago is driving you wild, and the way John is responding to her every little move is just making what you’re seeing that much better.

Then again, there’s a not-so-small part of you that just desperately wants her to come back and give your cock her attention again. You know she will, obviously, but there’s still this incredible burning desire that you can’t reassure flaring up right now. Maybe that’s what’s making this feel so hot? You want her, god, you want her, and you know she’ll be back, but that still doesn’t make the waiting while she tends to John any less excruciating. But goddamn, she looks good doing it, and…

There is literally no part of anything you’re thinking right now that makes sense. All you know is this feels way better than it has any right to. It’s obvious to everyone that you have completely and utterly succumbed to the momlust. And right now, all you can do is wonder what the hell took you so long.

There’s that impossibly sexy ‘pop’ again, as John’s member slides out of Roxy’s mouth. She turns back to you and wastes no time pulling you back in, sliding waaaay further down your cock than she did a second ago before she slowly draws back, her lips and tongue sliding down your member as she goes. Once she makes it back to your tip, she starts sucking you again, letting out a soft moan on your cock that just about does it right there. It is taking every ounce of willpower in your body to not blow it.

Roxy glances up at you again, and you notice that you’re gripping her head a little tight, just sorta guiding it down your shaft, apparently. You pull it back as she pulls her mouth off your cock, again with that incredible pop, taking a breath quickly before she mutters, “How’m I doing, Dave?”

“A…A-plus-plus, Rox.” You ruffle her hair as she giggles and god, giggling should not be so fucking sexy. “Suh-seriously, just…fucking dump out all the pluses, they’re…they’re all yours.”

“H-heh…good.” Roxy smiles again, continuing to pump her hand on your dick as she looks back to John and starts sucking him off again. He groans deeply as she draws him in, and she bobs on his shaft with a good tempo. Seriously, if that’s what she was doing to you, you have no idea how you managed to hold out so long. John’s clearly feeling it, as he starts moaning pretty loudly as she picks up the speed…

“R-Roxy, wait, I…fffffuuuuuck!” John suddenly grabs Roxy’s head, shuddering violently as Roxy’s head stops, her lips remaining tight on his cock as he holds her close. Her eyes shut, and you hear her moan against him as…

…yeah, you just watched John cum in Roxy’s mouth.

There’s a small part of you that’s just happy you didn’t do that, but you shoo it away pretty quickly because seriously, not cool.

John falls backwards a bit, sitting back down on the bed, Roxy’s mouth still on his cock. Sure that he’s finished now, she starts drawing her head back, letting you hear the ‘pop’ one last time as she releases his cock from her mouth. There’s a slightly dazed look about her as she looks up at John, her mouth still half-open, his hand still caressing her head, and you can just kind of make out a drop of John’s white cum trailing from her mouth when she closed her lips and oooookay she just swallowed his cum. Dammit, you should have looked away, but you didn’t and now you know the answer to the question you never wanted to think about.

Ignorant to your inner anguish, Roxy picks herself up and sits on the bed next to John, airily asking, “Guess my…my foreplay game was a la-little too strong today, huh Johnny?”

“Huff…maybe…’m sorry, Rox…” John’s face is an incredible mix of emotions right now, incredible relief and post-orgasmic glow mixed with frustration and disappointment in himself, emotions that should be on opposite ends of the spectrum but managed to come together in this one specific situation. “Shoulda…shoulda tried to hold out a little…”

“It’s okay, John…” Roxy rubs his shoulder, leaning in giving him a light peck on the cheek. “I did it too…shoulda held off a little on the pocket pool, maybe.”

John’s still looking a little disappointed, but he’s not looking quite as depressed, and he seems to have cheered up enough to crack a joke, pointing to his cheek and saying, “Hey, careful, still got something right here…”

Roxy thinks for a bit before reaching out and mussing his hair hard, playfully retorting, “Ohhhh? A little ‘what’ exactly, Johnny? I can’t tell, maybe you could lick it off for me…”

John laughs back, which quickly spreads to Roxy. It’s pretty cute, you admit, but it’s hard to really join in, especially because of your own impossibly hard boner, which has yet to…

“Haha…ah, hey, Dave, sorry for leaving you hanging.” Roxy calls out to you, still mussing with John’s hair. “Anyways…nightstand, top drawer.”

Your brain takes a second to traverse the sexy-haze hanging in your head and process that statement before you turn to the nightstand sitting next to the headboard. You walk over and open the drawer to reveal……

………yeah, it’s just a fucking mountain of condoms, isn’t it.

You pick up one of the unmistakable foil wrappers, looking back to the bed where Roxy is sitting. Or was sitting, as she releases John and starts laying down on her side, looking straight at you, totally silent as her eyebrow arches up just a bit. Still pretty naked, you remember to add for no reason, really.

Your brain has to shout at you to be GENTLE with that fucking wrapper, god, IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW FAST YOU OPEN IT IF YOU RIP THE DAMN THING. Maybe you hear that, or maybe you’re lucky, but either way you manage to extract the condom without damaging it and start rolling the rubber down your shaft.

Chapter Text

====> Dave: Assess current situation

Right. Situation assessment time. Okay, let’s focus. Get down to business. Break things down here. C’mon, let’s do this. Alright, here’s the sitch…

…You’re about to fuck your mom.

That’s all there is to say on that matter.

……okay, maybe you could go on just a little more.

Alright, so you’ve got a condom on, first off. Safe sex and not knocking up your ecto-mom are important. You’re quadruple checking to make sure it’s fine, no rips, no tears, okay yeah you’re good. John got over his early pop-off pretty quick, and has squirmed his way behind Roxy, rubbing her tits and playing with her nipples. That’s getting a few soft coos out of Roxy, who turns her head back and meets John’s lips in a cute kiss.

You’d rather not jump their fun with heavy thrusting right away, but fortunately, you had a better idea. You put your hand on Roxy’s hips and start lightly kissing around her navel, slowly working your way down as she squirms under you. Finally, your lips reach her nub, which you suck on an extra little moment before you finish your journey and start running your tongue on her slit. Her squirming quickly intensifies as you attack her most sensitive spot, and she moans loudly against John, who keeps up his own teasing.

“Mmmmphhfffuuuck…” Roxy disengages from John’s mouth as you slide your tongue up to her nub again and start licking and sucking at it again. “D-dang, Davey…yuh-you sure you’ve never done this shit be…before? Nuh, not gonna lie, it’s…fuuuuuck…it’s p good, hon.”

“Mhah…yeah, pretty sure. This’s just base-level Stride goin’ on here.” You take your mouth away from her clit and grin as you look up at her. “I know, it’s hard to be this awesome. As always, you’re welcome for me existimmmph.”

“Yeah yeah, that’s enough outta you.” Roxy reaches out and grabs your head, pressing your mouth back down into her crotch. “Now get back to what you were doing, it’s a much better use of your mouuuUUOOOHHH GOD FUCK.”

Welp, she did ask you to get back to what was working. So you grabbed her hips and started eating her out as hard as you could, sticking your tongue into her and swirling it around as much as you could. You aren’t lying, this is kinda new to you, but that’s not to say you haven’t…uh, studied for the test, y’know. Never know when a pop quiz in sex might happen, so it pays to keep reviewing the material.

The material being porn, and the reviewing being cracking off to said porn. In case that wasn’t clear. Hey, you’re unexpectedly eating a girl out and doing a pretty decent job of it, if those moans mean anything. Guess it means it wasn’t for nothing.

You continue to tongue Roxy with as much force as you can, as John keeps working those nips and trailing kisses down her neck. Guess the combined pressure on her sensitive spots is too much for her, because it’s only a minute or so before she starts tugging on your hair and quickly muttering, “Nnnnguuuuh…o-okay, good job there, now heel, boy.”

You lift your head up at her urging, giving a mock whimper in response to the heel command, though you’ll admit you’re just the tiniest bit happy she did, your tongue was getting tired. You wipe your mouth, which had become rather wet with your saliva and Roxy’s…yeah…before you give her another smirk and ask, “So, how’d I do, Rox? I have an invitation to visit that district again?”

“He-hell yes on the invitation…might even snag VIP treatment.” Roxy’s still catching her breath as she responds. “You did good, kiddo.”

“Yeah? Alright, cool.” You’re feeling a little calmer than you were a second ago. Nothing like the ‘you did good at sex’ ego stroke to soothe the nerve.

“I’d say you did pretty good, Dave…well, you had to be better than the last our last threesome newbie, at least.” John joins in the conversation again, taking his mouth Roxy’s neck. “That time was…yeah…did you know that Jasprose has these little barbs on her…”

“Oh god Johnny please don’t say anything else I’m gonna have flashbacks.” Roxy gives John a light jab in his shoulder as she slides down and lays on the bed. “Changing topics, now…so, Dave, you didn’t think I pulled you up because we were done, didja?”

That little bit of conservation had brought you to the funtimes zone for just a bit, but before you know it, you’re right back in sexytimes-town when you notice that Roxy is spreading her legs. More to the point, one of her hands has made its way down to her slit, spreading them open as she gives you the hottest fucking come hither look you’ve ever seen.

…yep. No turning back now. Of course, you knew that a while ago.

You pull yourself up and scooch forward on your knees until you’re…well, until you’re in position, really. You wrap one hand around one of her legs, using the other to guide your dick into Roxy’s welcoming hole. You slide juuuuust a bit of the head in, and already you can feel her warmth and how fuck there is no way you can handle this. You might not have been getting a handy for much of the last half hour like John, but you’re crazy on-edge and ready to blow and you don’t know if you can…

“Mmmmnnn…”

…woah.

Any thought that had been in your head just got kicked out the window. Any worries or fears of disappointing or anything like that, yeah they’re all gone. The only thing on your mind right now is “Oh god that was fucking hot and you caused that and you need to make her do more of it.”

So you waste absolutely no further time and push yourself into her as deep as you can. You manage to keep enough of your senses to not shove the whole thing into her too fast, but it’s all one movement, one nice, steady thrust in until your hips connect.

And…uh…yeah.

Look, there’s not gonna be a lot of incisive commentary here. Your entire mental capacity, usually split between being cool at all times, dropping science like a stone cold mothefucker, making sweet as fuck comics and occaisional dabbling in knightly heroism, is now completely focused on not being immediately overwhelmed by the unbelievable warmth and tightness that your cock is currently sheathed in. And oh fuck, there are those moans again, as sweet and incredible as anything you’ve ever heard and goddamn how does John manage to stop doing this with Roxy long enough to get anything else done in his life you’re gonna blow FOCUS MOTHERFUCKER.

Oh hey, technically you are a motherfucker right now. Huh. Guess John is too. Has been for a while, really. And, oh yeah, Roxy always considered Rose her mom, didn’t she? Didn’t stop her. Wow, an entire room of literal motherfuckers. You’re just proud to be a part of it.

“Mmmaaahh…fuuuuck…”

But yeah, there’s no way you’re lasting very long. Not with what you’re feeling and those sounds she’s making right now. There’s a T-minus countdown going on somewhere, and you don’t know what number they’re at now but you’re damn sure it ain’t a high one. So you better make whatever time you’ve got to enjoy this count before you achieve liftoff.

So you start pulling your dick back just a bit hold it and start slowly working your hips. Roxy’s breathing hold it gets more ragged as you start to buck against her, but her smile widens as she mutters words of hooold it encouragement in between her moans. John’s kneeling besides hold iiiiit Roxy’s head, muttering something that’d you’d be able to hear if hold it you could hear anything besides Roxy right now. The only thing HOLD IT you manage from him is a yelp of surprise, and out of your HOOLD IIIT peripherals you can see that Roxy’s head’s in John’s lap, her mouth around his cock as she moans against his FUUUUUUUCK.

You can tell it’s coming. You don’t know how long you’ve been going at it, since all other senses have left your body right now, but you know you’ve reached the end. You feel your body start to unspool, and in your last seconds before the finale, you buck your hips a little harder and faster than you had been, until the moment arrives and you drive yourself as deep into Roxy as you can and literally everything goes white.

………hang on, give it a second, your brain’s rebooting.

Okay things are starting to come back. First thing you notice is the sticky feeling around the head of your cock. Yeah, there was really no escaping that, was there. Next thing is you feel Roxy’s body under you, as you sort of collapsed onto her. Should stand up and get off her…is the thing you thought you’d do, but your legs are a bit jello-y at the moment, so you just manage to push yourself off her and roll off to the side. You roll onto the bed, quietly thinking a few words of thanks to John for having a big bed, cause otherwise you’d probably have rolled right onto the floor.

You’re feeling pretty satisfied, what with the whole post-orgasm bliss and all, but you’re already looking over to Roxy, hoping that to see the “you did a good job and im totes not disappointed” face. And fortunately, she’s happy to oblige, looking over to you with an incredibly beautiful smile on her face. There’s just something about that look and her slightly heavy breaths that puts you at ease. She lifts herself up on one arm, sitting up against the headboard as she mutters, “Woo…really went at it at the end there, huh Dave?”

“Oh, yeah, was kinda going on autopilot there.” You can feel your face warming a bit, as you reach to wipe the sweat off your brow, and it’s only now that you realize you never took your shades off during the whole thing. You’re…you’re not sure how you feel about that. Sure, you look better with the shades on and everything, and they never fell off, so damn, you’re good, but there’s a little nagging voice in your head that’s saying they should have come off before you got down to business, and it probably looked pretty weird. Then again, you weren’t exactly thinking straight a second ago.

What with all the thoughts of losing your virginity and all.

Which was pretty great.

“No complaints here, I was enjoying the ride…mmmmmn…” Roxy lifts her arms up and stretches, and your eyes are quickly drawn back to her tits and dammit, why weren’t you playing with those while you were fucking her. Another missed opportunity. And now you’re starting to get annoyed at yourself for thinking more about the things you messed up. You just turned in your V-card, so what if you weren’t porn-star smooth during the whole thing. Maybe next time you’ll…

Wait. “Next time”? Okay, brain’s functioning again, and it’s reminding you to get your shit together and get back to Dave Strider, Chill Motherfucker if you ever want there to BE a next time, which oh god yes please…

Calm down.

Shit together.

Chill Motherfucker.

And you’re not even overreacting to the double entendre there anymore. Okay, you’re good.

“Mmmm…ahh…” Roxy finished her stretch, as she looks back over to you and wiggles her eyebrows a bit. “So, how the post-virgin life feeling for ya, Dave? Turning in the V-card given you a new perspective on things?”

Man, she really doesn’t fuck around, does she. “Well, I think I’ve got a good idea why everyone you’ve gotten in the freak zone with wants another trip or seven, so there’s that. Oh, and yeah, that shit was incredibly fucking choice, Rox. Can definitely see the appeal of this whole sex thing, which sure, I always had an idea that there was something to it, but still.”

That gets a laugh out of her. Okay, good, you’re doing the right thing. Then she turns her head and right John’s still here seriously stop forgetting that, it’s not cool. Anyway, she looks to John and asks, “So…I did hear you saying that you saw the appeal, didn’t I…?”

“Uh…well, even if I wanted to say no, which I don’t, I don’t think you’d believe me, considering…” John’s rubbing the back of his head in that super anime way as he points down and yep, there’s Lil’ Egbert at full mast. Awesome how you got to look at that again, though at least you’re not doing your full freak-out from before. Chalk another victory up to the power of getting laid.

Still, there’s a little part of this conversation you don’t think you’re getting. You give Roxy a glance and ask, “What’s all this about ‘appeal’, now?”

“Oh, that…I mentioned how I find the look on John’s face when he’s in the bone zone super-hot, right? Well, John wasn’t sure what that would be like the other way around, since seeing me with another girl really isn’t the same thing, you know?” Roxy gets a little mischievous smile on her face as she answers you. “Was part of why I thought about adding a boy into the mix, instead of a girl.”

“And I won’t lie, I think I can see where she’s coming from with that.” John’s still got a bit of a bashful look on his face, but it’s becoming a bit more mischievous as well as he reaches an arm around Roxy’s waist and brings her a little closer to give her a quick kiss, which he breaks before continuing, “That said, you’ll forgive me if I say I prefer being involved more than watching, won’t you?”

“Mmmm…I might, if you keep that up…” Roxy gives him a smile before swinging a leg over John and straddling his hips. “That said, think I’d like to take charge for juuust a bit here…you guys have both made it to the finish line, but I’ve still got a bit to go, you know? And that just doesn’t seem fair, does it?”

“Uh…” You and John both share a sheepish look. She’s kinda got you there. At least you’re in company in the early pop-off club, you guess.

“Phhhahaha…sorry, just messing with you boys a bit. Don’t worry about it too much…besides, it feels like we’re already ready for round two, aren’t we?” Roxy’s eyebrow arches again as her hips start bucking ever so slightly, sliding her slit on John’s cock as he moans in response to the gentle movements. “Mmmm…yeah, I think you’re good to go…or, er, almost…uh, hey Dave…would you mind…?”

“Gotcha covered, Ro-Lal.” You quickly reach your arm out to the nightstand, pulling the drawer open and grabbing another condom, which you hand to Roxy in a quick motion.

 

“Thank you very much…” Roxy grabs it from your hand and quickly starts removing it from the wrapper. As she does, she looks over to you, her hips still bucking, and says, “Oh, and don’t feel you have to, like, give us time or anything like that…you can jump in whenever you want, hon.”

“I know…just need a few seconds.” You shrug back to her. “Gotta recover a bit, do some…uh, cleanup…y’know.”

“Mmhmm…alright. Well, lemme know when you wanna tag back in.” Roxy nods as she slides her hips back, John’s member perking up as she slides off of him, which elicits another grunt from the kid. She takes the condom and starts rolling it down John’s cock...man, you want her to do that for you. Another thing for next time, assuming you get there. Still working the Chill Motherfucker routine to get there. Which is a lot harder at the moment, as you’ve still got a spent condom on your cock, and you should probably deal with that.

You take the condom off and start looking around for the trash and some tissues to, uh, clean yourself, but you’re still paying attention to the action through the occasional glance in that direction. Well, John’s got the condom on, and Roxy’s making sure it’s on good…or just giving John another hand job. Could be both, come to think of it. “Mmmph…fuck, Roxy, that’s…” John grunts are starting to get a little desperate as Roxy continues to tease him, and his hips buck up a little bit into her hand.

“Hehe…alright, I guess I’ve had my fun…oh, Dave, there’s some tissues in the second drawer on that night stand.” Roxy calls out to you, recognizing that there’s no tissues in plain sight. You give her a thumbs up and open the drawer, which contains a couple packs of tissues, along with some batteries, bandaids and other assorted knick knacks. Nothing too out of the ordinary, though you guess the pile o’ condoms in drawer number one had you wondering what else they kept in here. You’ve grabbed one of the tissue packs and are trying to open it, but its slow going as your attention snaps right back to Roxy as she lets out a sigh and murmurs, “Now…mmmn…think you’ve earned a l-little rrrmmmphfuuuuuck....”

You shoot another glance back and sweet lord, this view. Roxy and John shifted around a bit while you were preoccupied, and you’re looking straight at Roxy’s ass, which just started to sink down on John’s cock. Their hips connect smoothly just a moment later, and Roxy takes a second to let out a pleasurable coo before she starts bouncing on his dick, slowly at first, but already she’s starting to pick up the pace. John’s hands work his way onto her hips, and he grips her tight as he starts thrusting up, matching pace with her movements as her coos start turning into moans.

You…oh, yeah, tissues. You should…shit , why is…FUCK…dude no look no…it’s NOT THAT HARD…JESUS DICK.

Wow, it’s hard to open a pack of tissues while not looking at them. But you’re having a hard time looking away.

Somehow, you manage to pull your eyes away from the seriously hot fucking going on to open the tissues like a normal person, pulling a couple out quickly and starting to clean off your unsurprisingly hardening cock as your eyes snap back to the action. Yup, she’s still riding him and that ass is still going up and down and is just about the hottest thing you’ll ever see. The pace has picked up to the point that the bed it starting to squeak under them in that “anyone downstairs is gonna be kept awake by this” kind of way.

Your gaze flicks away for just a second to toss the condom and tissues in the trash bin next to the bed, and then bam, it’s back. Man, they’re going at it. Roxy stops her up-and-down movements for a moment to swivel her hips, extracting some nice grunts from John before she gets back to the bouncing. Damn, it’s good, and…whoa, hey, when did you start jerking off to this?

Roxy leans back a bit now, still bouncing up and down, but needing to support her body with her hands as she’s moaning harder. It’s still hot, but you’re not gonna lie, you much preferred the last position, as this one gives a less clear view of her hips. Even before you gave in to the momlust today, you’ve scoped out her HOT ASS every now and then, usually beating yourself up about your Freud issues…at least when Rose wasn’t “helping” in that regard. Of course, you’ve stared at her behind more than a few times as well, because fuck, the Lalonde ass is simply a miracle of the universe. Trying to deny the obviously because of pesky biologically-related details is stupid.

Roxy turns her head to glance back at you, her smile only widening as she notes that you seem to be enjoying yourself. She arches her eyebrow, and that’s all the invitation you need to scooch closer and wrap your arm around her, grabbing her chest and giving her boob a nice squeeze. She moans as you squeeze her, which quickly turns into a giggle as she reaches for your face and brings you in for a kiss. You swirl your tongue in her mouth, noting that it’s a bit harder to do that well while she’s getting rammed from underneath, and kiss her back as she sighs in her mouth and fuuuuck that’s so fucking good.

Roxy separates after a second, her eyes glancing down quickly as she pulls back. She gives you an approving smile as she comments, “L-looks like…you’re re…ready again, a-aren’t ya?”

You don’t need to look down to know how right she is. You continue to massage her breast as you respond, “Yeah…think it’s time I tagged in for round two. So…how should I…”

“Hmmm…” Roxy looks like she’s thinking a bit…it’s a little harder to tell expressions with a person who’s also getting fucked. But it looks like she decided on something, because there’s no mistaking that smirk as anything but mischievous scheming. “I’ve g-got an idea…if yuh-you’re interested…?”

“Uh…I guess I am, Rox.” You glance down at John, whose face you can see again from your current position, but his eyes are locked on where he and Roxy are connected at the moment. So he’s probably not paying that much attention to your conversation. You shrug, looking back to Roxy and continuing, “I mean, we’ve come this far, so…”

Before you can finish, she grabs your head and leans in, bringing her lips up to your ear. Your first thought is damn, her breathing on your ear all sexy-like is great, but you manage to focus enough to actually hear her when she whispers to you, “N-nightstand…second drawer…in, in the b-back…”

She lets go of you, giving you a wonk before she returns her attention to working her hips against John again. You’re already shifting back over to open the nightstand’s second drawer again, even though you’re curious as to what she’s getting at. The back of the drawer? You didn’t notice anything before, but you reach your hand behind the tissues and batteries and start rummaging around…

You find it pretty quickly. Huh, there’s…feels like a bottle? You wonder what that is as you pull it out…of…

…oh fuck.

It’s…it’s a bottle, all right. There’s liquid of some kind in there. There’s words on the bottle, but your brain’s not really picking up on all of them quite yet. Except for the one word, the one that kind of jumps out at you, for no particular reason.

The one that looks oddly like “Lubricant”.

…and you’re not sure, but you’ve got a feeling it looks like “Lubricant” because it actually says “Lubricant”.

Which means you’re holding a bottle of lube, aren’t you.

Your mouth is hanging open a bit as you look back to Roxy. She’s looking back at you as well, her smile widening even more as she sees the realization written on your face. It’s at this moment she decides to lean forward again, riding John while leaning over him, in that incredible position where you can see the whole of her ass as she bounces on John.

She turns back to John and kisses him sweetly, moaning into his mouth, and you see a little trail of drool linger as she pulls her lips away. Then she glances back to you again, a smile on her face, as her hand slides onto her ass, the ass she knows you’ve been staring at this whole time. She caresses her own ass for just a second, and her smile widens as she spreads her cheeks juuuust enough for you to get a little glance at her asshole.

You…you think you’ve got the idea.

You just…need a second.

Your brain’s stopped working again, is all.

Chapter Text

====> Dave: You. Roxy. Lube. Make it happen.

Dave has made it pretty clear that the higher functions of his brain are not properly functioning at the moment, so he cannot respond to your request right now.

Perhaps you could wait until his brain gets its shit together?

====> Dave’s brain: Get your shit together.

DAVE: shiiiiiit
DAVE: fuck this is just
DAVE: goddamn
DIRK: …Hey.
DIRK: Y’alright there, Dave?
DAVE: oh sure
DAVE: everythings great
DAVE: nope nothing weird going on in this
DAVE: wait
DAVE: dirk
DIRK: Yep.
DIRK: Sorry to crash your brain, man.
DAVE: you can do that
DIRK: Yeah, sorta.
DAVE: how does that even work
DAVE: is this like a telepathy sorta thing
DIRK: Kinda. It’s complicated.
DIRK: Aspect-related powers and shit.
DIRK: Basically, it’s a projection of my personality formed by your memories and ideas of me as a person.
DIRK: And, since it functions as yet another fucking splinter of my personality, it’s got some semblance of independence from your brain, and I can kinda link my main self to it in certain circumstances.
DIRK: Gotten better at it, but it’s such a weird fucking thing it’s hard to really get a total hold on it.
DAVE: can you do this to everyone
DIRK: Not really.
DIRK: I mean, theoretically, it’s possible, but I find that my brain splinters only gain independence in people who have a well-formed idea of me as a person.
DIRK: If that makes sense.
DIRK: So far the only ones I can do this with are you, Jake, and Roxy.
DIRK: Your brain’s much more awesome to hang in than English’s, by the way.
DAVE: fucking of course it is
DAVE: uh
DAVE: are you like
DAVE: here all the time
DAVE: in our brains
DAVE: paying attention to what were doing
DAVE: like specifically what was going on a few minutes ago
DIRK: Nah.
DIRK: It’s fucking tiring to keep this up for more than a few minutes.
DIRK: Also, hells of privacy bullshit to go with being in your brain all the time.
DIRK: I only dropped by because my splinter in your head was like, “Yo, Dave’s freaking the fuck out, might be an awesome time to try and help him out.”
DIRK: The details of said freak out were left rather vague, however.
DIRK: So what’s up?
DAVE: oh nothing much
DAVE: things are great
DAVE: cant think of anything worth the level of freak the fuck out going on in round these parts
DIRK: Alright. Cool.
DIRK: So, now that the obvious lies are out of the way, what’s up?
DAVE: ffuuuuuuuck
DAVE: just
DAVE: sure you wanna go down this rabbit hole
DAVE: its a hole full of pretty visceral images is all
DIRK: I’ll deal.
DAVE: right cool
DAVE: so
DAVE: im naked at the moment
DAVE: get that out of the way
DIRK: Alright.
DIRK: Naked bro’s not a great place to lead off, but I can shrug it off.
DIRK: Go on.
DAVE: ok then next is
DAVE: im not the only naked guy in the room
DIRK: Oho.
DIRK: The plot thickens.
DAVE: aaaaand
DAVE: theres also a naked girl in the room as well
DIRK: Mmhmm.
DIRK: That narrows down the possibilities.
DIRK: Can I take a guess?
DAVE: shoot
DIRK: John and Roxy?
DAVE: got it in one
DAVE: cant believe you figured it out so quick man
DAVE: that shit is just incredible
DIRK: I know, it’s unreal how those names were the first to come to mind.
DIRK: It’s as if we don’t have that many friends at the center of a polyamorous maelstrom of near-constant coitus.
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: anyway i just had sex with roxy
DIRK: Uh huh.
DIRK: Kinda guessed we were building to that conclusion.
DIRK: Uh…grats on the sex, I guess?
DIRK: Not really an expert on the protocol here, if we’re being totally honest.
DAVE: yeah still working out whether to focus more on the just had sex part of the statement
DAVE: or the with my mom part
DIRK: Is that what’s causing the freak-out?
DIRK: The ecto-cest thing?
DAVE: nah ive pretty much gotten through that
DAVE: and the sex was fucking sweet so no regrets there
DAVE: current situation tho
DAVE: yeah
DIRK: Go on.
DAVE: should i paint a fucking picture for you
DIRK: Fuck yes.
DAVE: alright
DAVE: roxys riding john into the sunset right now
DAVE: shes also bending down and presenting her ass to me
DAVE: after telling me to get a bottle of lube
DAVE: oh did i mention im holding a bottle of lube right now
DIRK: You did not.
DIRK: This is new information you have just submitted.
DAVE: well i can guarantee that information is one hundred percent truth
DAVE: lube is in hand and its purpose has been made abundantly clear
DAVE: and that is the situation at this time
DAVE: back to dirk with commentary
DIRK: Well, Dave, I can honestly say that I didn’t see that one coming.
DIRK: Aside from you getting drawn into that particular fuck cyclone, writing was kinda on the walls there.
DIRK: Still, making the jump to double penetration on the first try.
DIRK: Say this for Roxy, she’s no time waster.
DIRK: Striking while the iron is hot and all.
DIRK: Assuming the iron is hot, and Lil’ Stride isn’t still down for the count.
DAVE: oh quite the opposite
DAVE: if anything lil strides pulling double time
DIRK: Awesome.
DIRK: Also, I’m gonna need you to do me a solid and agree to lock those last few sentences in the vault, because I’d rather not recall acknowledging that we both use the same nickname for our dongs.
DAVE: done fucking deal
DIRK: Cool.
DAVE: anyway
DAVE: uh
DAVE: kinda wanna double back to what you just said
DAVE: about writing on the walls
DIRK: Oh, yeah.
DIRK: I’m sure this is probably surprising to you, but Roxy tends to go a bit overboard when it comes to sharing intimate details about her sex life during our conversations.
DAVE: nooooo
DIRK: I know, fucking shocking, right?
DAVE: next you’ll tell me she uses obscene little hand gestures while oversharing
DIRK: Beat me to it.
DIRK: Anyway, during one of these TMI-laden convos, she may have mentioned certain people she finds super attractive.
DIRK: I won’t bore you with the full list, because it more or less goes on forever, but let’s just say a few varieties of Strider made it on said list.
DIRK: And, considering her skill with getting into the beds of the ladies she put on the list, the fact that she’d aim for some Stride sooner or later was probably inevitable.
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: cant really deny that from here
DAVE: did she
DAVE: uh
DAVE: ever ask you
DIRK: Nah…well, not since all this started, that is.
DIRK: Any propositions Roxy has sent in my direction were from a long time ago, and I’m pretty sure she kind of regrets those ones for a variety of reasons.
DIRK: By which I mean she’s apologized to me for it on numerous occasions.
DIRK: Not that she really needed to, though it’s a nice gesture.
DIRK: And all that noise is probably why she’s declined to invite me on her current endeavors…along the other, more obvious reasons, of course.
DAVE: guess that all makes sense
DAVE: so
DAVE: now what
DIRK: Now what what?
DAVE: still got this lube my hand
DAVE: ass is still waggling in invitation
DAVE: what advice do you have o great brain bro
DIRK: Well.
DIRK: Are you into it?
DAVE: uh
DIRK: Wait, actually, don’t answer that, more info than I’d prefer.
DIRK: My point is, I can’t be the one to tell you to go for it or bail, man.
DIRK: Up to you to decide whether you’re okay with going forward with this next, undeniably large step, or if it’s more than you can do in one day.
DIRK: Knowing Roxy, I’m sure she’s told you a bunch of times that she’ll be cool with whatever you decide.
DIRK: So…that’s what you’ve gotta decide.
DIRK: Are you into it or not?
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: guess i kinda knew that already
DAVE: but freakouts arent really the best time for rational thoughts to break through
DIRK: You cool, then?
DAVE: As always, man.
DIRK: Sweet.
DIRK: Sending a mental “you got this shit” fist bunp your way, bro.
DAVE: got it and secured that bunp
DAVE: were good here
DAVE: right now get outta here its personal biz time
DIRK: No prob, making brain-tracks as we speak.
DIRK: Later.

====> Dave: YOU. ROXY. LUBE. MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Hey, cool it, alright? Dave just got his brain to start functioning again, no reason for you to start shouting at him. Which is to say, no need for you to start shouting at you, because you are once again DAVE STRIDER. In your hand, a bottle of lube. Before you, a wiggly hot-mom ass. In your head, you sincerely HOPE no brain images or whatever of your bro-dad, the one who you just gave you a cool-down talk in your mind to get you to stop freaking out over the lube/ass shenanigans.

A cool-down talk that only took about a second or so in real time. Because you’re both just that awesome.

Granted, though, it was a solid second or so where you just kinda stared blankly at Roxy’s incredible ass, long enough for Roxy to think you might be having second thoughts. She’s still bouncing away on John’s cock, but she’s looking back to you now, and while she’s still excited about the situation, you can tell that there’s some doubt starting to work its way into her mind. The “oh no I went too far too fast and now he’s way freaked out shit shit shiiiiit” look is starting to show up.

And you’ve gotta say, you don’t care for that look. You’ll take happy Roxy over disappointed Roxy every day of the goddamn week.

And you decide that you’re gonna let her get back to happy Roxy.

So it’s a little awkward. What part of this night hasn’t been? You signed on for a night of weird-as-hell moments, either moments of mom-fucking or moments of watching said mom get fucked. And fuck, both of them have been pretty fucking sweet. All you’re doing now is sorta mixing those two moments together in one neat package.

You’ve made up your mind. You don’t say a word, you just give Roxy a smile as you reach your free hand out to her, caressing her hips as they buck against John. The sad-Roxy look is blown away in an instant, and she smiles back to you as she slows her hip movements, leaning back again and reaching out to you. You meet her and bring your lips to hers, and you kiss her hard for a moment, as her hand makes her way back to your cock and fuuuuuck her hand still feels great on your…

Wait. Hold that thought for a moment.

You separate from Roxy for a moment to look back down at your dick, which is not wearing a condom at the moment. Remember? How you had to throw it away after it got…uh, spent? That’s still a thing, isn’t it? Fortunately, John’s got a bajillion of em in this fucking nightstand here, so you lean over and try to grab one, all smooth-as-hell.

Try being the operative word, as a combination of your awkward position, your legs still being just a little tired from your last round of fucking and Roxy’s hand still working on your junk makes your legs fail to do as you want, causing a magnificent chain reaction that causes you to fall right off the bed, the lube rolling past your head…the cap still on tight, thankfully, as you don’t think you’d like to find out how well that shit cleans up right now.

You’re…you’re just glad Rox let go of Lil’ Stride in time. That could have been much worse.

Well, it’s still bad, of course. Hearing Roxy and John laugh at you still hurts. Oh, sure, the sound of you fucking falling like a loser made them snap out of their sexy-fugue to make sure you were okay, but as soon as okay-ness was established, their moods went from worry to cheerful giggling pretty quick.

Which, to be fair, you’d do the same to them if that happened in front of you. And you have, though in situations where clothes were still on, naturally.

Whatever, you’re a big enough guy to shake it off. You get up, still chill as a motherfucker, and grab a condom from the nightstand quickly. Fortunately, despite the embarrassment of a few seconds ago, your dick is still at the ready, so you roll the condom on, pick up the bottle of lube that fell on the floor and retake your position behind Roxy. You reach your arm around her and glance at both her and John while you say, “Alright. So, no one saw that, and we’re right back in sexy-times. Right? That’s what we’re doing, isn’t it?”

“Haha…s-sure thing, Davey…heee…” Roxy’s still failing to stifle giggles, but she’s twitching in response to your hand caressing her stomach again, especially when you start sliding down towards her more sensitive spots. “Mmmm…o-okay, serious, I’m go-good…ahhh…”

“Oh, man…w-wow…Roxy, you just got…uh…” John’s looking up at Roxy, but his glance is shifting to you…specifically, to the lube you’ve got in your hand. He stares at it for a sec before looking up to you and…uh, Rox did clear this with him before putting her asshole on display, didn’t she?

Fortunately, it’s only a second before you have to wonder that question, because John looks up at Roxy and shrugs, “Okay, y-you were right…guess he’s fine with it.”

“T-told you, Johnny…mmm…” Roxy says what she can, still squirming thanks to your fingers and John’s rod. “No…no way Davey was passing this up…with all the staring he’s been…”

“Alright, that’s enough of that…” You decide you’d rather not have Roxy finish that, and give her a playful smack on the rear. Not hard, but enough to get her attention.

And it does that…quite well, in fact. You can practically see her shiver from the slap, and John grunts loudly under her as well. “S-shit…Oh man, Roxy, I almost…fuuuck…” John whimpers a bit as he tries to keep his composure, continuing to mumble, “Ufff…D-Dave, you should hurry I might not…shiiit…”

“Huh…guess that worked better than expected…” You smirk, storing that one away for later as you pop open the lid of the lube bottle. You squeeze a little bit of the clear liquid out and start smearing it over the condom, making sure you’re good and ready before you slide behind Roxy and get yourself in position, your hands on her hips. You lean in next to her ear and whisper to her, “Well, I guess John’s good, so…you ready for this?”

Roxy’s breathing heavy, but she’s mostly calmed down from that slap as she turns to you with and impossibly sultry fucking look on her face. “Y-you bet…I am…” She breathes out airily, her hand sliding back and spreading her cheeks for you again. “Come and…get it…tiger.”

God, you’re not even doing anything, but just her look has you on edge. Time to get moving, before you miss your chance.

You grab you dick and get it into position, gripping her hips as tightly as you can as you prod her asshole. She sighs loudly as you press against her, followed by a loud, wanting moan as she shakes her ass juuuust a bit against you, desperately begging you to do it already. And you know you need to do it as well, otherwise all your gonna end up doing is blow it right here. You push your hips forward again, pushing through the resistance until your dick slooowly starts sliding into her oooooooh gooood.

“FFFFFUUUuuummmpphh…” Roxy practically screams as you enter her, collapsing onto John and letting her intense moans be muffled by his shoulder. John, for his part, is scrunching his face mightily, as you can imagine Roxy’s tightened up on him like crazy.

And speaking of tightness HOOOLY SHIIIIT is this tight. The pressure on your dick right now is off the goddamn charts. Her ass is squeezing you like crazy, and even with the condom on you can feel her intense fucking heat wash over you entire fucking body and you…you…

Yooou are not going to last long. Better make these few moments count, motherfucker.

You start working your hips immediately, sliding in and out, quickly increasing your speed until your hips are pretty much crashing into hers. She’s moaning with each thrust, her head still in John’s shoulder as she grips his shoulder in one hand and the bedsheets in the other. You can tell John’s probably not far behind you, and he seems to have the same idea as you as well, as you can feel him start bucking his hips under her, which only increases the pressure on your dick and brings you ever closer to the finish line.

“Mmmph…goddamn…” Your grunts are getting more desperate, and one of your hands goes to Roxy’s shoulder, gripping her tight as you continue to thrust into her. You’re slightly more lucid than you were during your first ride, but not much more, as once again fiber of your being is focused on holding out for as long as you can. At least this time you’re not hyper terrified of being disappointing, since A) you and John are kind sharing the workload for this one and B) it’s pretty obvious Roxy’s barely hanging on herself.

In fact, it’s just now that she’s gathered the strength to lift her torso up from John’s shoulder. She mumbles something you don’t quite catch as she manages to steady herself in the classic doggy style position…er, from where you’re standing, it probably looks a bit different from John’s point of view. You glance down at John, and the first thing you notice is that he’s blushing pretty hard as he looks up at Roxy. You only notice that for a fraction of a second, because it’s quickly overridden by your next observation – that John’s hips have mightily picked up the pace, and Roxy’s ass has gotten even tighter as he bangs his cock up into her.

“Oh holy…fuuucking…” You grip Roxy even harder as you’re now struggling to avoid popping off right here. Roxy’s body lifts up again, and she’s leaning into you, which gives you the opportunity to wrap the arm that had been holding her shoulder around her stomach, holding her as close to you as you can. You put your head next to her ear and mutter, “Sh-shit, Rox, dunno how much longer…I…mmmng…”

You barely get through your statement when Roxy turns her head to you. You’ve got a glimpse of her face, and hoooo fuck you can see why John lost his shit.

There’s nothing jokey Roxy’s look, no smirk, no wiggling brows, nothing. The only thing on her face is a look of intense enjoyment, a smile of pure satisfaction mixed with her incredible moans and the slight tears forming in her eyes…fuck, she looks completely fucking irresistible to you right now. She could tell you to do anything for her, and you’d do it before you realized what it was she asked you.

Which is good, because she’s trying to tell you something. She leans up to your ear, barely able to get her words out, but eventually she just manages to mumble to you, “Dave…g-go…ahead…d-do it…”

Welp. How you gonna say no to that invitation, cool kid?

You’re not, obviously.

All common sense and restraints get kicked out the fucking window, and you thrust into her as hard as you can. Your hips start pistoning hard, back and forth, forcing more incredible moans out of her as she collapses forward, just managing to hold herself up on her hands and knees. John grunts loudly under her, and his thrusts from under her start getting even more frantic.

In the end, you’re not sure who popped first…you, John, Roxy…hell, maybe you three pulled the ultimate porn move and managed to make it to the finish at the same time. All you know is that, at some point, the pleasure overwhelmed you, and you slammed yourself in for one final, powerful thrust as you unload yourself into Roxy. And then, once more, everything went white for a second.

………

Feels like your head’s recovering a little quicker than your first time. Nice.

Still, the next thing you can comprehend is that you’re looking up at the ceiling, panting heavily as you lay on the mattress. Guess post-orgasm-autopilot you was smart enough to flop onto the bed instead of collapsing on top of your partners like last time. The heavy breaths coming from nearby alert you to John and Roxy’s position, as she’s still on top of Egbert at the moment, her head buried in his chest as she tries to catch her breath.

“Haah…haaah…Guuuh…” John lets out a groan as he pats Roxy on the back. “Nuh…not that…I’m not a fan of cuddles, but…it’s kinda hard to breath…at the moment, Roxy…”

“Y-yeah, yeah…bluh…” Roxy grumbles back in response, but it takes a moment before she’s able to roll off of John and lay on the bed next to him. “May…maybe you should…go a little easier…having a…hard time breathing…myself, John…”

“A-and who…was the one…going, “give it to me” …a second ago?” John rolls over onto his side and pokes Roxy in her stomach, getting a giggle out of her.

“Heeheh…alright, c’mere you…” Roxy rolls over and tries to tickle John lightly in mock retaliation, but both of them are too tired to do much. Eventually John just hugs Roxy, and they share a cute kiss. It’s pretty adorbs.

Yeah. You’d add more, but you’re kinda spent at the moment. And this pillow you’ve found your head on is pretty welcoming. You wave your hand in Roxy and John’s direction, as they’ve moved onto simple cuddling by now, and mumble, “Hey…that was fucking great…but I’m kinda spent…gonna tap out here…if that’s alright.”

“Heh…yeah, I hear ya.” Roxy lifts her hand and shoots you a thumbs up. “Think we’ve all earned a little rest. That was…yeah, ‘fucking great’ about sums it up, Davey…looking forward to next time.”

You’d like to do a little fist pump or something to celebrate landing the fabled ‘next time’ statement, but the fact is you’re already on your way to Lala Land. All you do is lay your head back and mumble, “Cool…me too…”, and as soon as the words are out of your mouth, you’re already drifting off to sleep.

Chapter Text

====> Dave: Bring up slightly-more-comfortable-now-but-still-kinda-weird topics with John

DAVE: sooo
DAVE: that all happened right
JOHN: “that all”…?
JOHN: oh…er, right.
JOHN: i mean, it was like a week ago, but…yeah, it happened.
JOHN: you’re…uh…you’re okay with everything, right?
JOHN: we haven’t really talked much since, so…
DAVE: dont worry about it were cool
DAVE: i mean sure its a little weird talking about it but nothing we cant deal with
DAVE: considering the shit weve had to deal with and all this is nothing
JOHN: good!
JOHN: that’s…whew.
JOHN: i won’t lie, i was a little nervous that you were avoiding me.
DAVE: nah dont worry john
DAVE: nothing weird between us or anything like that
DAVE: i mean sure ive got a good picture of the egbert cannon in my head now but
JOHN: oh god please don’t call it that.
DAVE: alright well workshop a better name later
JOHN: we’re not going to do that.
DAVE: point is no things wont be weird just because ive seen your dick
DAVE: assuming of course you dont feel weird seeing lil stride
JOHN: nope, no problems there.
JOHN: well, aside from you telling me just now that you call it “lil’ stride”.
JOHN: not sure i can handle that knowledge.
DAVE: shit
DAVE: right forget i mentioned that
DAVE: in fact lets make a bro pact right now to expunge all past present and future talk of our junk from this conversation
JOHN: i’ll bunp to that.
DAVE: bunp secured pact now in place
DAVE: this is now a junk free discussion
DAVE: now over to john with sports john lay down how the big man took it to the hole
JOHN: well, dave, the big man…uh, he sure dribbled the ball…uh, up to the hole, and…
JOHN: yeah, who am i kidding, i know nothing about sports.
DAVE: should i have made it business news
DAVE: you could break down those stock portfolios
DAVE: go to town on that serious business shit
JOHN: nah, serious business stuff was my dad’s wheelhouse.
JOHN: and jane’s i guess.
JOHN: i’m just as bad at it as you.
DAVE: well then shit this is the worst newscast ive ever heard of
DAVE: no sports or business all thats left is the weather then
DAVE: thats all newscasts are right just business sports and weather
JOHN: pretty much, as far as i remember.
JOHN: hang on, though, i can do weather.
JOHN: ahem…well dave, a look out the window says it’s mostly sunny today.
JOHN: high of warm and low of kinda cool, i guess.
JOHN: and im forecasting rain at some point, maybe, so prepare for that.
DAVE: shit yes newscast secured
DAVE: some ratings guys just ran in and yelled that we won all the ratings forever
JOHN: alright, yeah!
JOHN: take that, channel five, cause we’re the best in town.
DAVE: heh
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: were just trying to dance around things arent we
JOHN: eh…kind of.
JOHN: still, just goofing off like that’s important every now and then.
JOHN: if we don’t, we tend to end up wallowing in a pool of weird immortal teen angst.
DAVE: guess youre right
DAVE: good thing rose isnt here or shed give you one of those leader lines you hate
JOHN: bluh, yeah, let’s try to avoid any of that, please.
DAVE: sure thing
DAVE: also i dont want you thinking i was avoiding you because that’s not the case
JOHN: you sure?
DAVE: hundred percent
DAVE: day after took some adjustment to what went down but that was all
DAVE: dirk came over and we hashed it out
DAVE: and afterwards i was back to cool kid status as always
JOHN: that’s good…er…
JOHN: dirk…uh, knows, then?
DAVE: oh
DAVE: yeah pretty much
DAVE: i mean im sure roxy would have told him eventually even if he hadnt
DAVE: uh
JOHN: hadn’t what?
DAVE: im gonna have ask you to pretend you didnt hear that
JOHN: what!
DAVE: sorry man total strider confidence law is in effect
DAVE: not fit for non strider ears
JOHN: oh come on!
JOHN: you strilondes and your secrecy and rules, i swear.
DAVE: yeah were awesome like that
DAVE: anyway
DAVE: i actually wanted to swing by after that but as i was about to leave
DAVE: literally that exact second
DAVE: rose stopped by
DAVE: and i had to endure her eyebrow wiggling routine for the rest of the day
JOHN: oh boy.
JOHN: yeah, i can even see how that would be happening.
DAVE: you know how it goes
DAVE: shes all so i hear you had an entertaining evening at johns
DAVE: a little birdie told me
DAVE: one who absolutely isnt our teen mom who you totally had sex with
DAVE: at this point she just goes into a fucking lecture about freud so ill spare you
JOHN: thanks for that, i’ve had enough of those myself.
DAVE: yeah but at least for you its pillow talk so its not all bad
JOHN: hey!
DAVE: am i wrong
JOHN: ……no…
DAVE: then yeah my point still stands
DAVE: anyway after that bullshit happened she told me that the mayor had asked her to do some errands for him
DAVE: she asked if i wouldnt mind helping
DAVE: and i was like fuck yes ill help the mayor hes the best
DAVE: took longer than i thought but that’s why ive been out of touch
DAVE: no avoidance intended
JOHN: ok…well, like i said, i’m glad that’s all it was.
JOHN: my only fear with all this…uh, experimenting, i guess…is that i’ll end up seriously weirding someone out.
JOHN: last thing i want is to mess up a friendship just for one good night.
JOHN: roxy always says it’ll work out, but…you just never know, y’know?
DAVE: i hear ya
DAVE: though at the same time i can see where roxys confidence comes from
DAVE: i mean i never thought i could get into something like that yet lo and behold
DAVE: once we were there i didnt have much trouble with it did i
JOHN: uh…
DAVE: shit i steered it back to dong thoughts didnt i
DAVE: forget i said that
DAVE: but anyway the point i was trying to make was i think you guysll be ok
DAVE: and not just because youre running out of people to invite into your bed anyway
DAVE: but i got to see firsthand how much you guys make sure the person youre inviting is cool with it before you get into stuff
DAVE: well i guess outside of that story you were telling me about jane but ill chalk it up to you guys still getting into the swing of things
JOHN: oh god, that time…yeah.
JOHN: that was the most nervous i’ve ever been about messing things up with these threesomes.
JOHN: i didn’t see her for more than a week after that.
DAVE: whoa really
JOHN: yeah, i was really worried that she hated me.
JOHN: roxy was telling me to calm down but what did i know?
JOHN: i thought i might have really messed up our friendship
JOHN: then jane finally came over to see me while roxy was out and…
JOHN: uh…
DAVE: go on
JOHN: she…did not hate me.
DAVE: you guys banged again huh
JOHN: …yeah.
DAVE: you really dont have to beat around the bush anymore with me john
DAVE: for better or worse im in this with you now
DAVE: in fact why dont we air all that laundry right now
DAVE: give me the weekly egbert fuck report
JOHN: oh god, no…
DAVE: come on man
DAVE: honestly you know im probably gonna hear about it from rox later
DAVE: might as well tell me yourself so we can have a good laugh about it
JOHN: uuuuugh…
JOHN: fine, but later, please?
JOHN: i’d rather not have all our conversations in the future revolve around my sex life, ok?
DAVE: eh i can live with that
DAVE: i can hold off on my choice ripping for a while at least
JOHN: heh…guess i’ll have to prepare myself for that, huh?
JOHN: anyway, what did you need to come over here for?
DAVE: what
DAVE: what do you mean
JOHN: roxy told me someone was coming over to help her out with something.
JOHN: she was being cagey about it, so i thought it might be another…situation…like last week.
JOHN: but you’re here, so i guess…
DAVE: john
DAVE: i havent talked to roxy in a couple days
DAVE: and i just came by to make sure we were cool
JOHN: …so she wasn’t talking about you, then?
DAVE: no she was not
*SLAM*
KARKAT: ALRIGHT, LALONDE, WHAT THE SHIT DO YOU WANT?
JOHN: wha…karkat?
DAVE: oh my sweet fuck no
KARKAT: OH GOOD, JOHN’S TAKING FIVE MINUTES OUT OF HIS BUSY SCHEDULE OF PAILING EVERY GIRL IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE.
KARKAT: AND DAVE’S WITH YOU AS WELL? FUCKING INCREDIBLE.
KARKAT: MAYBE ONE OF YOU COULD ENLIGHTEN ME AS TO WHY THE LIVING EMBODIMENT OF HEDONISM JOHN CALLS A MATESPRIT NEEDS ME, OF ALL PEOPLE, TO HELP HER WITH, AND I QUOTE, “some important biz”.
KARKAT: SEEING AS THE TWO OF YOU ARE JUST SITTING HERE GAWKING LIKE FUCKING IMBECILES, I’D REALLY LIKE TO HEAR A REASON AS TO WHY YOU COULDN’T DEAL WITH WHATEVER VAGUE BULLSHIT LALONDE NEEDS DONE, AND WHY I HAD TO TAKE THE TIME OUT OF MY DAY TO COME OVER HERE.
DAVE: uh
JOHN: ………
KARKAT: WHAT.
ROXY: heeeeeey guys
JOHN: NOPE DAVE: NOPE
ROXY: ………*wonk*